Lady's REFUSAL of Cash for Sex Leads to Slapping by Weenie!

Best of Dumbass News (Originally Posted 11/27/12)

2012 has given us a bumper crop of Dumbasses, once again making it an extremely close race in the quest for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford (that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period) Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award. And just when things started to sort themselves out in this year's competition, along comes Fred Thomas of Cushing, Maine throwing a monkey wrench into the Dumbass of the Year (DoY) selection process.

Your Source for Penis News in Maine

What's Fearless Leader to do?

As a "You Big Dummy" Selection Committee of One, the enormous burden of  making the right choice for DoY falls squarely and heavily upon my shoulders. Fred Thomas has made this task infinitely more difficult.

The Scenario  

1. Fred separates from his wife of 39 years.
2. Wife runs into difficult times.
3. In order to make it through said difficult times, wife of 39 years moves back in with Fred. 
4. Fred wants to have sex with estranged wife and offers her $20 to give him some.
5. Wife says, "No nookie", which angers Fred.
6. Angry Fred pulls out his goober and slaps the wife with it!
7. Wife calls cops after penis assault.

From israelsurvivalupdates.com by way of the Bangor Daily News, the story continues: Fred E. Thomas pleaded guilty to 180 days in jail with all but five days suspended and was placed on probation for a year for domestic violence assault and indecent conduct.   A third charge of unlawful sexual contact was dismissed. 

Defense Attorney Justin Andrus said Thomas was tremendously upset that his marriage of 39 years was ending.   He said his estranged wife was planning to go to Pakistan to meet a man she met online.   “This was not his normal conduct,” Andrus told Justice Jeffrey Hjelm during the sentencing hearing in Knox County Superior Court.   Assistant District Attorney Christopher Fernald asked for Thomas to serve seven days in jail, while Andrus asked for just probation and no jail time.
Hjelm said a jail term was appropriate in this case.   “This was sexually aggressive conduct.   This couldn’t be much more offensive,” Hjelm said.   The wife did not seek jail time for Thomas but did ask that he undergo counseling for anger management, which was ordered.
  
Fearless Leader's Observations

• It is not a good idea to move back in with someone you have left in the ash heap of failed marriages.
• The above is especially true if you have found another love interest - particularly if the new love interest is a camel fucker from Pakistan. Google "women's rights rights in Pakistan". The camel he screws has more rights than his woman. I'm just sayin'.
• It's bad form to offer your soon-to-be ex-wife twenty bucks for sex.
• It is egregiously bad form to pull out your thang and cockslap your soon-to-be ex-wife when she says no to your most generous offer of carnal pleasures.
• The wife is an idiot.
• The Judge is right - “This was sexually aggressive conduct.   This couldn’t be much more offensive.
• Being slapped in the face by a penis is not one of those times to turn the other cheek. Unless you are into that kind of shit.
• I have been to Rockland, Maine (where this story took place) and have never once been threatened by a menacing penis.  
• Why are so many penises in the news these days?
• Fred is a finalist for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford (that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period) Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award.

Dumbass.

Wanna Marry an American & Become a Citizen? Don't Commit a Felony!

I am an America and damned proud to be one. I love this country more than everything but God and Family. Evidently there are millions of others around the world who love the good ole USA also. While hundreds of thousands go through the immigration system to become American citizens, others try, and many succeed, in entering the country illegally. Then are the lucky foreign nationals who are already here and trying like hell to stay here. These people realize that we've got it pretty good.

Sometimes immigrants use nefarious ways to gain American Citizenship. Like marriages of convenience - marrying an American citizen in order to not be deported.

Did somebody out there say "Dumbass"?

Lookin' for Love

Well, it just so happens......

Wanting a New VISA (and I Don't Mean Credit Card)

Nikoleta Karoly is a foreigner with a just-about-to-expire-VISA. She desperately wants to stay in the United States. She is so adamant about staying here that she was willing to marry her boyfriend so she would not be sent back to her country of origin, which no doubt is some Communist Hellhole. Like Massivetwoshits.

There was, however, one teensy weensy hitch in Niki's plan to marry her beau and remain in the US. The groom-to-be did not want to be a groom. No matter how you view this situation, this minute detail throws a monkey wrench into Niki's plan. Another small detail not to be overlooked is the fact that Nikoleta is now a felon.

Well, somebody sure pissed in her Cheerios, didn't they?

Wedding Bell Blues

Upon being told that The Guy did not want to marry her, thereby blowing her immediate chances of not being deported, Niki became a bit upset. And by a "bit upset", I mean she beat the shit out of her boyfriend. Yep, nothing says "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, you American pig" like a good ole country ass kickin'.

According to the American Pig Boyfriend, this was not the first time that Niki was violent towards him because he was hesitant to marry her. I, for one, am all about a serious "come to Jesus" meeting when it's necessary to the plot, but this is not the method best-suited for encouraging one's lover into the Holy bond of matrimony.

But, then again, I am a Dumbass. What do I know?

What I Know

I know that:

• Nikoleta Karoly is now in the Collier County (FLA) Jail.
• Nikoleta Karoly may well spend some time in a nice comfy Florida State Prison.
• Nikoleta Karoly will not become an American citizen.
• Nikoleta Karoly's boyfriend is a pussy for letting a woman beat his ass.

And.....

• Nikoleta Karoly will not be getting married to an American Pig any time soon. Unless it's to a fellow inmate at an FLA Women's Correctional Facility whose nickname is "Spike" who is also in The Slammer for beating the shit out of her boyfriend.

Dumbass.

Ice Kream Klan Kometh!

The Yankees (Northerners, not the baseball team) have taken over Florida. The conquest is complete. I have proof of this horrific news and today I will share that proof with you, my fellow Dumbasses, no matter how much it pains my Southern-to-the-Core heart. What follows is not for the weak of heart or mind.

Puerto Ri-Klan

The mascot for a small, family owned Ocala, Florida ice cream shop is actually a mascot for the Ku Klux Klan! I. Shit. You. Not. The mascot goes around Ocala and tries to drum up business for the ice cream joint. He has often been mistaken as a symbol for the Klan! I can hear Yankees from all the other places in the USA that they are to subvert screaming in unison, "What does that have to do with us, you  bigoted Redneck asshole?" Here's your answer, you sons of motherless goats, Anti-Southern people dickweeds and representatives of all that is wrong with this great country. Who the hell else besides a dumb fucking Yankee would mistake this for a KKK uniform? See the various colored patches on the "hood" of the costume? What do think that is? A secret Klan colored scheme that signifies the mascot's rank in the KKK, Local 666? If you'd look a little further, you'd discover that the dude in the costume is a Hispanic type, Puerto Rican to be exact, guy. You know how much those Puerto Ricans love that gay old Klan. The KKK used to use guys like this for target practice or as a preliminary sacrifice while waiting for the real fun to begin when they could lynch a black guy. Believe you me, that if this guy was a Klan plant, the good people of Ocala, Florida would save the County a bunch of money and court time when they finished stompin' a mud hole in the motherfucker.

So all you "I hate the South, so let's turn it into New Jersey South since its worked out so well up North" asswipes, you have two choices.

• 1) Assimilate to your new environs. You might just learn something about caring for your neighbor or taking care of community business on your own, without the need for Federal intervention and lots of other cool shit from Southerners. Choice
• 2). Move the fuck BACK to New Frakkin' Jersey, douchebag! Now ain't that easy?

That's how they do it in Dixie.

Dumbasses.

Federal Fart Police!

At this moment, there are muchos shenanigans going on in the Gubmint of the United States of America. 

Over the course of the last few years, our Elected Dumbasses have seen fit to:

• Assume control of your health care by taxing what's left of your ass off.
• Sic the Bureau of Infernal Revenue on organizations and individuals with political leanings contrary to those of the Dumbass-in-Chief.
• Reprimand a Gubmint employee for farting at work....
• Say what?
• Yep.

Best of Dumbass News

I am a simple man (cue Lynyrd Skynyrd). I have always been in awe of the things that so many people take for granted. Like the stars. We see them every night of our lives and over time they are kind of "just there" to most people. Not to me though. There's not a time I go outside at night and not think of the majesty of those seemingly tiny twinkling lights in the nighttime sky. Think about it for a moment. The star light you are looking at has traveled through the vastness of outer space for billions of light years and is just now visible to the human eye. In essence, you are looking back in time.

Another thing that simply amazes me are tomato seeds. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that something so tiny can, when put into some dirt, watered and given the requisite amount of sunlight, produce a marvel of Nature like a big fat beefsteak tomato. How the hell does that work like that? I don't know and I don't care. All I know is that it does work and I ain't askin' questions.

Which brings us to farting.

A Real Gone Gasser

I am sure that it will come as no surprise to you that stories about farting are not new to Dumbass News. It was almost two years ago to the day that I wrote about the nation of Malawi's proposed law to ban farting under certain circumstances like: "insulting the modesty of a woman," "disturbing religious assemblies" and "trespassing on burial places". Pffffffffttttt!

Last summer I told you about a guy who threatened to shoot his neighbor for farting! This post is doubly entertaining as it also has a brief etymology of the word "fart".

While outlawing gaseous anal emissions and/or shooting another human bean because he broke wind may be a bit on the extreme side, being reprimanded for farting at work is not.

Hostile Work Environment

The U.S. Social Security Administration said it has rescinded a reprimand filed against an employee for creating a "hostile work environment" by passing gas. 
The reprimand, which became public when it was posted on TheSmokingGun website, was filed against a worker accused by co-workers of creating a "hostile work environment" by continuously passing gas and releasing an unpleasant odor, The Washington Post reported Friday. 
The agency said the reprimand has now been rescinded. 
"When senior management became aware of the reprimand it was immediately rescinded," spokeswoman Dorothy Clark said. 
The Social Security Administration did not offer a date for the rescinding action or respond to questions about the status of the employee. 
The reprimand was filed by the agency's Office of Disability Operations and cited 60 occasions when the worker was accused of passing gas -- up to nine times per day -- in his office over the course of about 12 weeks. 
The employee was described by TheSmokingGun as a 38-year-old man working at a Social Security office in Baltimore. 

Is nothing sacred anymore?

When an employer can reprimand, or even possibly terminate, you because you exercise your Constitutionally-guaranteed (it falls under the "pursuit of happiness" or something) right to let one rip, then that employer must be held accountable! 

Revolt!

Eat more beans!

Do not be silent! (but deadly)

Fart like there's no tomorrow!

Dumbasses.

FLUSHED: $10,000 Worth of Jewelry!

Today's story involves lost jewelry. Very expensive lost jewelry.

That's one thing I have never understood. Why people wear expensive baubles and beadfs aroung like most other people wear watches or wedding rings. Are they showing off? Maybe. Are the just doing what they think is OK? Probably. Could it be that they are just plain old Dumbasses? Most likely.

The worst offenders in this type of "Look at me!" Dumbassey are rappers and athletes. Even the White Guys. I have seen White Guys wearing chains big enough to use on a Harley. The Black Guys, though, bring bling beyond blinding to blistering., like looking directly at the Sun through a telescope without the proper Solar filters. That's some bright shit, bro!

El Flush-o

The Other Worst Offenders

It may comes a surprise to you, but the absolute worst bling-wearing boneheads are White Little Old Ladies. Just like the bruthahs who accessorize like Mr. T, I have nothing against White Little Old Ladies. My Mother is a White Little Old Lady for criiminy's sakes. I do, however, have a problem with someone wearing 100 pounds of bling on a 94 pound body. White Little Old Ladies....it's very unbecoming.

I realize that some pieces of jewelry are family heirlooms and gifts from dearly departed loved ones, but putting them on display when you do everyday things like go to the Piggly Wiggly (for you Yoopers, that's a supermarket chain in the South... and I don't mean South Dee-troit either) to pick up some Spam and Egg Beaters.

To my way of thinking, wearing a shit load of gold and diamonds is like having a neon sign above your head flashing "Beat Me Up and Rob Me of My Bling!" Now, atletes and rappers can probably defend themselves with little or no difficulty, especially if they are packing a rod. (Again, for you Yoopers, that means "carrying a gun"). BANG! Dead Bad Guy. I am very fond of Dead Bad Guys. But, I digress.

Bling Can Be Lost, Too

In addition to being beaten the hell out of, mugged and maimed, losing your bling is also a very good possibility. And if you are sporting a ton of the shiny objects, how would you know if you lost one? Do you keep with you an inventory on the jewels you wear each day? Where? On your iPhone? that won't do you any good, because the same Soon to Be Dead Bad Guy that ripped off your jewelry will also steal your iPhone. In other words, you are fucked.

Dammit, I digressed again.

Ask a lady in (Adolph Coors Company) Golden, Colorado about accidentally losing precious personal jewelry. She recently lost ten large (I have already given the Yoopers lessons on "large") worth of jewels when she flushed them down the toilet!

From 9News (Colorado's News Leader!): "Wilkerson said she took her rings off at a water park so she wouldn't lose them. She rolled them in Kleenex and put them in her bag.
"Well, during the day I had blown my nose, and I had thrown more Kleenexes in there, so when I got home I just grabbed the Kleenexes, threw them down the toilet," she said.
She went to bed and woke up in a panic.
"And I started screaming, 'Oh, my gosh! I flushed my rings down the toilet,'" she said." 

In scientific terms, this is called "self-inflicted Dumbassery". Mrs. W had to know she was headed to the water park, so why would she wear all the valuables there any way? She's a White Little Old Lady! That's why!

Happy Ending 

There is a nice ending to the story, thankfully, as some Sewer Guys (no word on whether they were wearing bling or not) found Mrs. W's valuable bling and returned it to her.

Let this be a lesson to not only Mrs. W, but to all White Little Old Ladies across the country.

Bad Guy Repellant - 3 Nifty Sizes

The lesson: If you are gonna wear a bunch of expensive shit to do every day make sure it is secure on your person. And pack heat. Major heat. Glock 9mm will do nicely.

Dumbass.