Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Sunday, September 21, 2014

New at Dunkin Donuts: The Donut Ho!

Best of Dumbass News

There's a Dunkin Donuts on Route 46 in Parsippany, New Jersey that has added an item to their menu. Dunkin calls the new item is called "The Extra Sugar". Local cops call it prostitution. I would have called it the "donut hole", but I am a sick, twisted freak. 

Let me splain.
America Humps on Dunkin

Melissa Redmond works the overnight shift at one of the local Dunkin Donuts in Parsippany and it seems that she was serving more than donuts and coffee to some of her customers.

After receiving a tip from an informant, cops set up surveillance and observed Melissa leaving her post in the store to go to the cars of select customers, stay for 10 or 15 minutes and then return to work. It didn't take long for the cops to catch on so Melissa the Donut Ho was arrested for selling "Extra Sugar".

One of the first things that popped into my mind when I read this story was why in the name of all that is Holy would someone some sell their "coolatta" from a donut shop? Think about it. Donuts. Cops. Those two go together like Justin Bieber music and syrup of ipecac. But, I digress.

The moral to the story is twofold.

First, being a hooker is bad.

Second, being a hooker where a cops shows up every five minutes is just plain stoopid. If a woman wants to sell her "creme filled" pastry, sell it where the cops DO NOT show up!

Like at a Likker Store. :)

Dumbass.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Huntin' Turkey the Dumbass Way!

Be vewwy vewwy quiet.....


Dumbass.

Zoo Emergency Drill! Guy in Gorilla Suit Shot W/Tranquilizer Dart!

Best of Dumbass News

My two youngest kids are 7 and 11 years old.

Neither of them has ever been to a zoo.

I live in Augusta, Maine and I'm even sure where the nearest zoo is located.

Portland maybe? Even if that's the case, The Peoples Republic of Portland is sixty miles away. On top of that, for a round trip from here to there and back, I'd spend almost $20 on tolls just for the privilege of using Interstate 95.

Fuck that.

If my kids wanna see wild animals up close and personal, we have Animal Planet and Nat Geo Wild on our cable system.

Or, they could grab a lawn chair and sit out front and observe our neighbors.

I'm just sayin'.

Guy In Gorilla Suit

The Spanish island of Tenerife, on the other hand, has a very nice zoo. It would probably also be cheaper to take a cruise ship from the USA to Spain and see the Tenerife Zoo than it would to go to Portland and back

A few days ago, horror beset this zoo!

gorilla escaped its compound!

The proper zoo authorities were notified and the search for the wayward ape was on.

After a while of searching, and a siesta, the gorilla was located.

Enter the zoo veterinarian.

And a gun that shoots tranquilizer darts.

Taking careful aim, the vet blasted the gorilla with enough tranquilizer to sedate a 200 kg (over 400 lbs) beast.

There was, however, one minor problem...

This was a drill rehearsing what would happen if a gorilla escaped!

You probably asking yourself, "Well, isn't the way this sort of emergency is supposed to play out?"

The answer to that is "Yes".

Oh....I forgot to mention that there was one other small problem.

It wasn't an escaped gorilla that was shot with tranquilizer dart, it was a man dressed up in a gorilla suit practicing for the Escaped Gorilla Capture Drill!

The Guy is gonna be OK.

Dumbasses.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Happy 4th Birthday, Dumbass News!

Doh!

Holy shit!

I just happened to look at the calendar and then it hit me.

Today is a very special day.

But I couldn't remember exactly why.

The thoughts began to race through my head like Barack Obama on meth heading to Las Vegas for a fundraiser.

Here are some of the things that crossed my mind as I tried desperately to figure out why today was so different than any of the other 364 days of the year.

  • Jessica Alba is coming to the Dumbass Dome to have a Meskin Style Mad Monkey Sex Threesome with Mrs. Fearless Leader and me.
  • Alas, Mrs. Fearless Leader doesn't roll that way.
  • Zombie Ed McMahon is gonna knock on my door informing me that I have won $10 bazillion so I can "entice" Jessica Alba into a Meskin Style Mad Monkey Sex Threesome with me and Mrs. Fearless Leader.
  • Mrs. Fearless Leader still doesn't roll that way.
  • Since Zombie Ed McMahon gave me $10 bazillion, I can pay off the National Debt. 
  • Which would leave me with $7.83.
  • The entire Gubmint of the United States of America has been replaced by responsible Constitution-adhering adults who actually love their country, Freedom and Liberty.
  • By "responsible adults" I mean Moe, Larry and Curly.
  • It couldn't be much worse.
As you might have surmised by now, none of these dealios is what makes today unique.

Then, like a bolt of lightning on a clear blue day, it struck me!

Today marks the 4th Birthday of Dumbass News!

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be sitting here today 1600+ posts and nearly one million page views later that Dumbass News would be ranked by Alexa as one of the Most Popular Blogs in the World! As I write this, Dumbass News is ranked about #180,000 world wide and about #41,000 in the United States. BTW...there are now over 1 BILLION websites in the world today. Do the math.

Wow.

Just.

Wow.

There is only one reason why Dumbass News has taken the Blogging World by storm.

And it ain't because of my Shakespearean writing abilities or my brilliant, insightful, often scathing social commentary that this blog is read by morons in 181 countries around The Big Blue Marble. Simply put, I am not a writer. I am a guy with a keyboard who can write stoopid shit. In spite of my unparalleled humility, I will concede, however, that I am brilliant and insightful and my scathing social commentary is unmatched by man or beast - but you already knew that. :)

The meteoric growth and phenomenal popularity of Dumbass News lies squarely on your shoulders. Why? Because you are fucking stoopid! <--- I say that with love in my heart. You unfailingly come back day after day, year after year reading this drivel, so you've got to a) accept the responsibility for that and b) seek professional help immediately.

On the real side...I can not begin to express how much your support has meant to me over the last four years. I stand humbled and indebted before you.

Thank you.

Now, I am off to the bank to cash my $10 bazillion check from Zombie Ed McMahon.

And to call Jessica Alba and see que pasa.

Dumbasses.

Home of the Nipmuc Indians: Greatest Town Name Ever!

Say what???




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