A Moose, A Swing Set & A Dumbass!

Best of Dumbass News

I am glad that HuffPo has a staff of millions and many of them have nothing better to do than surf the inter tubes looking for "weird news". You see HuffPo's "Weird News" often translates to Fearless Leader's Dumbass News. So, it's cool that they have the manpower to find all this stuff and I can steal it from them. Of course, I don't plagiarize them, I simply report on it from a different angle than they do. They see "Weird News", I see Dumbassery.

So, credit where credit is due and all that, thanks for today's story idea, HuffPo.

Moose-sylvania

Fluffy the Moose

As you know, I live in Maine. Up here there is abundant wildlife for viewing and occasionally running into - literally. There are frequent stories in the local news that tell about some poor person driving through the country side in their automobile and BAM! Ford meets moose. Moose wins. Sort of. People get killed by colliding with moose up here on a regular basis. Look, a bull moose tips the scales at about a ton. That's two thousand pounds of bull moose smashing into a 2500 pound car.

It's a mess.

Even if you simply come across a moose in the wild, they can be not so sociable and they can hurt you. Bad. As in kill you dead. As. A. Doornail. There are occasional news stories about a wild moose straying onto a college campus or even a shopping mall in Maine, usually Bangor or Portland. College mooses sometimes become unofficial mascots of that particular campus.

Of course, if you live out in the woods or in a rural setting, encountering a moose is not that big of deal as long as you are cautious and keep your distance. Like any wild animal, once a moose loses his fear of people, he's a dangerous sonuvabitch.

Back Yard Bullwinkle

Today's Dumbass Moose Story doesn't, however, take place in Maine. It happened just outside Ogden, Utah.

From HuffPo: "A moose was freed from a strange backyard entanglement thanks to a brave Utah deputy and a pair of cutters.
Sgt. Lane Findlay found himself face to face with the moose whose antlers were wrapped up in a backyard swing set this weekend.
The Weber County Sheriff's deputy got the call Sunday and responded to a residential community outside Ogden, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City. He said the moose appeared in distress, and was bleeding.
Findlay said he handed his mobile phone to an onlooker and asked the person to shoot video, telling him, "If something happens to me, give this to my wife."

Oh, what a Dumbass, let me count the ways...

1. The officer, while doing an admirable, if stoopid thing, is not a trained Wildlife Guy. Unless you count the hookers in Ogden, Utah as wildlife.
2. He should have waited for the Game Warden to assess the situation and act accordingly.
3. The moose was tangled up. "Tangled up" meaning "trapped', "cornered", "unable to flee". Bad mojo.
4. The second most important word in the paragraph above is "distressed". A "distressed" moose is 2000 pounds of deadly fur if provoked or even if he thinks he's being jacked with.
5. The most important word, and by "most important" I mean BIG RED FLAG WARNING DANGER CAUTION DO NOT FUCK WITH TANGLED UP MOOSE word is BLEEDING! I think we can all surmise that a trapped, distressed, bleeding moose is not a critter to agitate any further.
6. One wrong move and the "give this to my wife" moment will be your last moment on this planet and of breathing other peoples' air.
7. The cop is a Dumbass.

From the mouths of Dumbasses, "I just made the decision to go in there and see what I could do," he said Wednesday. "Fortunately, the moose was tired and it didn't seem threatened." What. The. Fuck.
See 1 - 7 above.

More from the cop: "Pretty crazy stuff," he said. "This is certainly a first for me, and hopefully a last." 

I. Am. Speechless.

Almost.

Dumbass.

Fat Guy Sues White Castle Because Their Booths Are Too Small!

This is one of those stories that will invoke rage amongst some of my readers. That is not the intent of the story, but some of you will take it the wrong way. Tough shit, I say!

Let me splain.

There's a fat guy in Nanuet, New York that does fat people everywhere a disservice by being a complete and utter Dumbass. Said fat guy weighs 290 pounds and he's all pissed of at a local White Castle burger joint. You see where this is going? Anyway, Fat guy is suing the White Castle because, wait. for. it., the seats in the place are too small and fail to meet standards set forth in the Americans With Disabilities Act! Fat Guy first complained about the too small seats a couple of years ago and the company responded by promising to install bigger seats and sending him some coupons for, get this, three free White Castle burgers! Lemme get this straight. A fat guy is suing you because the booths in your restaurant are too small and you send him coupons for free burgers? Earth to White Castle...

Where to begin? Let's start with the ADA. It's a steaming pile of gubmint intervention into business. But that's a discussion for another time. Fat Guy is suing White Castle because of the small seats in their establishment. I wonder if Fat Guy ever thought that maybe he's a tub of lard because he eats too often at White Castle??!! And McDonalds. And Fat Burgers. Eat some fucking yogurt, Dumbass! Fast food, when consumed by the 55 gallon drum full, will make you look like a hot air balloon. And you have the balls to sue White Castle because the seats are too small? Maybe they should sue you for crushing their seats like a rotten tomato by slapping your fat ass down on them. Oh wait! I almost forgot, Fat Guy says that he wants bigger seats so he  can "sit down like a normal person". Then quit eating White Castle burgers like they are siphoned through a beer bong. Good Gawd, man! You don't need bigger seats, you need to lose two of your asses, dipshit. Try Subway for cryin' out loud. It worked for Jared.

Until then, shut the fuck up.

And have another cheeseburger.

Dumbass.

Lady's REFUSAL of Cash for Sex Leads to Slapping by Weenie!

Best of Dumbass News (Originally Posted 11/27/12)

2012 has given us a bumper crop of Dumbasses, once again making it an extremely close race in the quest for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford (that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period) Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award. And just when things started to sort themselves out in this year's competition, along comes Fred Thomas of Cushing, Maine throwing a monkey wrench into the Dumbass of the Year (DoY) selection process.

Your Source for Penis News in Maine

What's Fearless Leader to do?

As a "You Big Dummy" Selection Committee of One, the enormous burden of  making the right choice for DoY falls squarely and heavily upon my shoulders. Fred Thomas has made this task infinitely more difficult.

The Scenario  

1. Fred separates from his wife of 39 years.
2. Wife runs into difficult times.
3. In order to make it through said difficult times, wife of 39 years moves back in with Fred. 
4. Fred wants to have sex with estranged wife and offers her $20 to give him some.
5. Wife says, "No nookie", which angers Fred.
6. Angry Fred pulls out his goober and slaps the wife with it!
7. Wife calls cops after penis assault.

From israelsurvivalupdates.com by way of the Bangor Daily News, the story continues: Fred E. Thomas pleaded guilty to 180 days in jail with all but five days suspended and was placed on probation for a year for domestic violence assault and indecent conduct.   A third charge of unlawful sexual contact was dismissed. 

Defense Attorney Justin Andrus said Thomas was tremendously upset that his marriage of 39 years was ending.   He said his estranged wife was planning to go to Pakistan to meet a man she met online.   “This was not his normal conduct,” Andrus told Justice Jeffrey Hjelm during the sentencing hearing in Knox County Superior Court.   Assistant District Attorney Christopher Fernald asked for Thomas to serve seven days in jail, while Andrus asked for just probation and no jail time.
Hjelm said a jail term was appropriate in this case.   “This was sexually aggressive conduct.   This couldn’t be much more offensive,” Hjelm said.   The wife did not seek jail time for Thomas but did ask that he undergo counseling for anger management, which was ordered.
  
Fearless Leader's Observations

• It is not a good idea to move back in with someone you have left in the ash heap of failed marriages.
• The above is especially true if you have found another love interest - particularly if the new love interest is a camel fucker from Pakistan. Google "women's rights rights in Pakistan". The camel he screws has more rights than his woman. I'm just sayin'.
• It's bad form to offer your soon-to-be ex-wife twenty bucks for sex.
• It is egregiously bad form to pull out your thang and cockslap your soon-to-be ex-wife when she says no to your most generous offer of carnal pleasures.
• The wife is an idiot.
• The Judge is right - “This was sexually aggressive conduct.   This couldn’t be much more offensive.
• Being slapped in the face by a penis is not one of those times to turn the other cheek. Unless you are into that kind of shit.
• I have been to Rockland, Maine (where this story took place) and have never once been threatened by a menacing penis.  
• Why are so many penises in the news these days?
• Fred is a finalist for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford (that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period) Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award.

Dumbass.

Wanna Marry an American & Become a Citizen? Don't Commit a Felony!

I am an America and damned proud to be one. I love this country more than everything but God and Family. Evidently there are millions of others around the world who love the good ole USA also. While hundreds of thousands go through the immigration system to become American citizens, others try, and many succeed, in entering the country illegally. Then are the lucky foreign nationals who are already here and trying like hell to stay here. These people realize that we've got it pretty good.

Sometimes immigrants use nefarious ways to gain American Citizenship. Like marriages of convenience - marrying an American citizen in order to not be deported.

Did somebody out there say "Dumbass"?

Lookin' for Love

Well, it just so happens......

Wanting a New VISA (and I Don't Mean Credit Card)

Nikoleta Karoly is a foreigner with a just-about-to-expire-VISA. She desperately wants to stay in the United States. She is so adamant about staying here that she was willing to marry her boyfriend so she would not be sent back to her country of origin, which no doubt is some Communist Hellhole. Like Massivetwoshits.

There was, however, one teensy weensy hitch in Niki's plan to marry her beau and remain in the US. The groom-to-be did not want to be a groom. No matter how you view this situation, this minute detail throws a monkey wrench into Niki's plan. Another small detail not to be overlooked is the fact that Nikoleta is now a felon.

Well, somebody sure pissed in her Cheerios, didn't they?

Wedding Bell Blues

Upon being told that The Guy did not want to marry her, thereby blowing her immediate chances of not being deported, Niki became a bit upset. And by a "bit upset", I mean she beat the shit out of her boyfriend. Yep, nothing says "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, you American pig" like a good ole country ass kickin'.

According to the American Pig Boyfriend, this was not the first time that Niki was violent towards him because he was hesitant to marry her. I, for one, am all about a serious "come to Jesus" meeting when it's necessary to the plot, but this is not the method best-suited for encouraging one's lover into the Holy bond of matrimony.

But, then again, I am a Dumbass. What do I know?

What I Know

I know that:

• Nikoleta Karoly is now in the Collier County (FLA) Jail.
• Nikoleta Karoly may well spend some time in a nice comfy Florida State Prison.
• Nikoleta Karoly will not become an American citizen.
• Nikoleta Karoly's boyfriend is a pussy for letting a woman beat his ass.

And.....

• Nikoleta Karoly will not be getting married to an American Pig any time soon. Unless it's to a fellow inmate at an FLA Women's Correctional Facility whose nickname is "Spike" who is also in The Slammer for beating the shit out of her boyfriend.

Dumbass.

Ice Kream Klan Kometh!

The Yankees (Northerners, not the baseball team) have taken over Florida. The conquest is complete. I have proof of this horrific news and today I will share that proof with you, my fellow Dumbasses, no matter how much it pains my Southern-to-the-Core heart. What follows is not for the weak of heart or mind.

Puerto Ri-Klan

The mascot for a small, family owned Ocala, Florida ice cream shop is actually a mascot for the Ku Klux Klan! I. Shit. You. Not. The mascot goes around Ocala and tries to drum up business for the ice cream joint. He has often been mistaken as a symbol for the Klan! I can hear Yankees from all the other places in the USA that they are to subvert screaming in unison, "What does that have to do with us, you  bigoted Redneck asshole?" Here's your answer, you sons of motherless goats, Anti-Southern people dickweeds and representatives of all that is wrong with this great country. Who the hell else besides a dumb fucking Yankee would mistake this for a KKK uniform? See the various colored patches on the "hood" of the costume? What do think that is? A secret Klan colored scheme that signifies the mascot's rank in the KKK, Local 666? If you'd look a little further, you'd discover that the dude in the costume is a Hispanic type, Puerto Rican to be exact, guy. You know how much those Puerto Ricans love that gay old Klan. The KKK used to use guys like this for target practice or as a preliminary sacrifice while waiting for the real fun to begin when they could lynch a black guy. Believe you me, that if this guy was a Klan plant, the good people of Ocala, Florida would save the County a bunch of money and court time when they finished stompin' a mud hole in the motherfucker.

So all you "I hate the South, so let's turn it into New Jersey South since its worked out so well up North" asswipes, you have two choices.

• 1) Assimilate to your new environs. You might just learn something about caring for your neighbor or taking care of community business on your own, without the need for Federal intervention and lots of other cool shit from Southerners. Choice
• 2). Move the fuck BACK to New Frakkin' Jersey, douchebag! Now ain't that easy?

That's how they do it in Dixie.

Dumbasses.