Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Meskins, Negroes & Lezbeans - Oh My!

I am a Texan.

As such I have been stereotyped as a "certain" kind of man, and it ain't always nice, by Dumbasses who a) don't know me from Barack Obama's white half or b) assume that just because I am from Texas and a White Guy I must believe certain things. 

Because of my heritage, some douchenozzles automatically assume:

  1. I am a raaaaacist. 
  2. I hate non-Americans, especially Meskins.
  3. I do not like, know nor associate with homos or lezbeans.
In other words, many (not all) folks in the more "progressive" part of our society call me a "Redneck". And I don't think they mean "Child of God" when they do.

Truth be told, I am Redneck and I am damn proud of it. I worked hard for over 40 years until my body betrayed me, sometimes at jobs I hated, providing for my family and doin' my damnedest to be a good Father and husband and pay my bills, sometimes failing miserably, sometimes succeeding beyond my wildest dreams. I love God. I love my family. I love my country. I love my Mama. I value life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and showing charity and kindness to my fellow man.

Yep. I am a Redneck. You on the other hand are a Taint Stain on the Underwear of Humanity.

All that said.....
Not a Typical Bro

Let me set the record straight (no gay pun intended):

  1. I have over the course of my 58 years had many black friends. Not just Negroes I Know, but honest-to-goodness friends. I have even actually been in a black person's home! I can assure you with 100% certainty that I have never owned a Negro nor have I ever committed any human bean of African heritage to indentured servitude. Unless they deserved it.
  2. As far as Meskins go....Meskins and Mexico have always been a pivotal part of Texas History, You know why? Because Texas was once part of Mexico! Until 1836 when we kicked their asses at San Jacinto and achieved Independence from the brutal Meskin Gubmint. Even some of the Gringos in those days were Meskin citizens! BTW, I speak, read and write Spanish. Short version: I know (and like) enough Meskins to make a Cisco Kid movie. I wouldn't have it any other way. Amigos.
  3. As far as Gay People go, I don't give a shit who you love and/or sleep with. What goes on behind closed doors at your house is none of my damn bidness. I do have one steadfast rule when it comes to Gay Folks ---> Lezbean pron (for research purposes of course) is required by law to carry the Fearless Leader Lezbean Pron Seal of Approval.  
Bottom line: I couldn't care less about your skin color, sexual preference, religion (or lack thereof) etc., etc., etc. I prefer to evaluate a person's place in my life by the content of their character, not some external bullshit.

Simple huh?

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go find a story about a Gay-Meskin-Negro-Lezbean to make fun of.

Must be the Redneck in me.


Monday, September 29, 2014

Dumbass Photo of the Day: The Gated Sidewalk

Decisions, decisions.....


***Thanks to Moron Bill Cismar***

Gubmint at Work: $3.2 Million to Study Drunk Monkeys!

I have never been a proponent of Big Gubmint.

The Constitution of the United States clearly stipulates that the power of the Federales is supposed to be very limited in scope - securing and defending our borders, making treaties and a few other things. All other powers are to be relegated to the various states.

That said, I have no problem with some sort of Gubmint funded entities doing stuff like medical research that could (and often do) lead to treatments and cures for serious and infectious diseases.

That said, it really frosts my gazebos when our tax dollars are used for obviously stoopid shit.

Did you know that $385,000 of your hard earned contributions to the United States Treasury have been wasted on some very socially relevant programs like studying duck penises? Whoever came up with must have been thinking to himself, "Climate change, schmliate change! I just fleeced the United States Gubmint of 385Gs for the advanced study of duck dicks! Go suck Swamp Donkey Nut Sacks, Al Gore!"  

Ahhhhh, but pride goeth before the fall! Or in this case, the duck dicks go before the lezbeans!

Just when Mr. $385,000 Mallard Meat Guy gets all high and mighty about his "achievemnet", some Dumbass comes up with an even better way to scam some funding from the Gubmint! "Hey! While $385,000 for the advanced study of duck dicks is indeed necessary for the scientific advancement of our nation, I feel it is morally imperative that we conduct clear and concise research on why some Lezbeans become overweight alcoholics. That'll be $2.7 million, please!" 

Geez, this  makes me wonder what The Scientistic Community probe next that would further their cash grab benefit Mankind.

Oh, I know!

For a mere $3.2 million the National Institutes of Health will turn monkeys into to raging drunks!
The express purpose of turning apes into lushes is to determine how the ingestion of excessive amounts of booze will affect the monkeys' body tissues.

As a Patriotic American, Concerned Citizen and Former Professional Drinker, I feel it is my civic duty to step in here and offer my expertise and experience regarding this matter.

Dear N I H, 

Re; Effects of shit loads of alcohol on body tissues of monkeys

I'll be succinct.

It will fuck them up!

Fearless Leader
Patriotic American, Concerned Citizen and Former Professional Drinker

There you go, America. That's how you save 3.2 million taxpayer dollars.

You're welcome.


Sunday, September 28, 2014

Dumbass Fishing Cartoon of the Day: Role Reversal

Who will bite first?


Dumbass Fishing Weekend Pt.3: Testicle-Eating Fish!

Best of Dumbass News

I am a Water Guy.

When I see a body of water - a creek, a river, a pond or a lake - I think "Fish!"

I am a fisherman.

Fish. Fear. Me.

I don't like to swim, however, even though I am a good swimmer.

There's shit in the water that will fuck you up. Like snakes. Or alligators. Even some species of fish.

Just ask the people who swim in the Oresund, a strait between Denmark and Sweden.

Invasive Species

Some Danish Dumbass was fishing in the Orelund recently when he caught what was to him a very unusual looking fish. This particular fish was indeed a strange resident of these waters because it is native to The Amazon!

The fish in question is a red-bellied pacu, a cousin of the piranha.

As you can imagine, a fish of this pedigree can be quite a nusaince. Especially to unsuspecting swimmers. Let me re-phrase that - especially to unsuspecting male swimmers. You see, in it's native waters of the Amazon, the pacu uses its teeth to eat other fish as well as fruits and nuts that fall from trees hanging over the water. The pacu of the Oresund have also become quite fond of a type of nuts native to Scandinavia - the nuts in a man's ball sack! As points out, in "Papua New Guinea the invasive species has reportedly earned the reputation as the "ball-cutter" after castrating a couple of local fishermen!" (emphasis mine) 

Henrik Carl, a fish expert at the Natural History Museum of Denmark notes that the pacu bite "because they are hungry and testicles sit nicely in their mouths." This is not unlike some hookers in San Francisco. But I digress.

Carl's advice to swimmers in the Oresund? "Keep your swimwear on if you are bathing in the Sound." My advice to swimmers in the Oresund is threefold:

  1. Wear a metal jock strap while swimming in the Oresund, or
  2. Run, or in this case swim, to the nearest dry land, you idiots!
  3. Do not visit Papua New Guinea for a wade fishing extravaganza.

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