Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Back to School: Dumbass School Lunch Menus!

Here that?

I don't either.

SILENCE! 

It's deafening.

Why so quiet at the Dumbass Dome? 

School started today!

Woohoo! Back flip! Summersault! Faceplant!

Like tens of millions of other kids, my two little girls went back to school today.

I refer to this time of year as Another Year Closer to Kicking the Kids Out of My House Time.

Bailey the 7 Year Old is now in 2nd Grade while her older sister Isabella is now at the Top of the Elementary School Food Chain as a 6th Grader or as she said this morning, and I quote, " I am now one of the Rulers of the School!"


Over the course of the next two hundred or so days, I'll be asked, Daddy, what's for lunch at school tomorrow?" approximately 183 bajillion times. The answer will be the same 183 bajillion times - "You can read! Go look at the School Lunch Menu attached to refrigerator. You know, like it has been every school day for the last 7 years!" (kindergarten included)

Since I moved to Maine and became Issy's Daddy a little over eight years ago, I have seen some weird shit listed on the Augusta School Department lunch menus.

These menu items sound innocuous enough, but I have seen some of the lunch ingredients that the School Cafeteria Ladies have to work with and believe you me, they ain't nothin' like what they are named.

For Example

Here are how a few items are listed on the school lunch menu and what they are really made of.

  1. Authentic Mexican Tacos - Shredded and lightly seasoned chihuahua on a fried tortilla.
  2. Supreme Pizza - Commonly referred to by students as Alpo On Dough.
  3. Cook's Surprise - Leftovers from the Homeless People's Kitchen. Surprise!
I found these delectables from School Lunch Menus from around the Fruited Plain.

A Menu That Will Live in Infamy

Without-a-Soul Food

Land of Cotton?

I Prefer Tequila Tostadas

USA! USA! USA!
Dumbasses.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Dumbass Titanic Photo of the Day!

Lettuce pray......



Dumbasses.

Dumbass to Live On Iceberg for One Year to Highlight Climate Change!

A Dumbass & His Iceberg
Aside from the people who make up this great country, I think that the Second Greatest Thing About America is the 1st Amendment to the Constitution - you know, the one about Free Speech and stuff.

The populace aside, The Greatest Thing About America, in my Considered Fearless Leader Opinion, is the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States. This is the that grants U S citizens the right to keep and bear arms against Bad Guys and (potentially) an over reaching Federal Gubmint. The 2nd Amendment is also a dandy way to protect the freedoms given to us by the 1st Amendment, in this case, the right to peaceful assembly. You'll see what I mean in a minute.

Some Americas take the "peaceful assembly" part of the 1st Amendment beyond its construed meaning and they do stoopid shit like, oh, I don't know, riot! Over Facebook comments! I feel certain that the Founding Fathers would disagree with actions such as this.

There are other Americans who take the right to have a gun to extremes as well. When guys like Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson wrote the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution, I believe that they did so for the reasons I stated above (self defense, etc). I fail to where being pissed off at a neighbor who farted in your general direction falls into the category of self defense, but the Dumbass in this story interpreted the ol' 2A differently than I did. That's why he is a now a felon.

Taking things a step further, the Constitution of the United States also gives you absolute, inalienable Right to Be Stoopid As Hell. By "stoopid as hell" I mean believe in the Big Steaming Pile Known as Climate Change.

Even non-Americans are getting in the whole Free Speech, Freedom of Assembly and Right to Be Stoopid as Hell Bandwagon.

Alex Bellini, a Nice Young Stoopid as Hell Eye-Talian Dumbass, has decided to show the entire population of Earth just exactly how stoopid as hell he is.

Alex will accomplish this goal by exercising his right to Peaceful Assembly - by peacefully assembling with an iceberg!

In this instance Alex will spend a whole year living on a giant piece of floating ice as it drifts aimlessly around the Atlantic Ocean in order to call attention to Climate Change.

This little adventure will also call attention to the fact that Alex Bellini has the I Q of your average garden slug. No offense intended toward garden slugs.

I've got to admire someone who believes so strongly in a cause, even if it is a bunch of horse hockey, that he would commit himself to such an ordeal.

I am also inclined to ask some Tough Questions.

  • The obvious first question is WTF!?
  • What will Alex eat for the duration of his Iceberg Regatta?
  • Dolphin-free tuna and organic arugula?
  • How will he sleep?
  • In an allergen-free sleeping bag?
  • On a faux polar bear hide?
  • Has Alex consulted with Les Stroud the Survivorman?
  • Don't icebergs sometimes, you know, tip over and shit?
  • It is a well known fact that icebergs do melt.
  • What then?
  • Is Alex a strong swimmer?
  • Will he take his water wings and Captain Planet floatie with him?
  • Peeing while on a dancing hunk of ice in the Atlantic is easy, but what about when he has to go poop?
  • I recommend freshly-clubbed baby seal hides for use as an ass wiper.
  • They're very soft on the hiney.
  • A Darwin Award with Alex Bellini's name on it is being engraved as I type this.
  • Good. Gawd.
Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to & Photo From: Treehugger.com ***

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Dumbass Financial Advice from Oscar Wilde!

Good way to start a retirement fund.....


Dumbasses.

Dumbass Advertising: Stoopid Billboards!

Guys who create billboards can never be paid enough.

Observe.....


Mel Tillis Billboard Company

$5 Foot Long?

For My Buddy Kev in Wisconsin

But I Am a Married Man.

PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals

Public Service Announcement

Squeal! 

Donuts ARE Sinful. Ain't They?

I Knew This One Would Be Here.

Double Bagged?

Dumbasses.
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