Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Dumbass Historical Marker of the Day!

Those who ignore History are doomed to repeat it.....


Dumbass Fun & Games: Blog Tag Q & A!

Best of Dumbass News - Revised & Updated

I have recently made some new Dumbass Blog Friends. They don't blog about Dumbasses, but they are Dumbasses who blog. You'll find them in the left side bar under "Dumbasses I Read". I cordially invite you to click on the links to their blogs and give them a read. They publish some quality material on their sites. And by "quality material" I mean that you won't feel an urgent need to projectile puke after reading it.

Most of the time.

Blog Tag

The above-mentioned Dumbasses are playing a game called Blog Tag. I have heard of this shit activity before, but I have never participated in it. To be truthful, I used to think that it was kinda stoopid, but after further consideration, I think it's actually a pretty damn good idea.

I changed my mind about Blog Tag because I figgered it would be a good way for not only my new Blog Friends to learn a little about me, but also an opportunity for the readers, old and new, of Dumbass News to get a better grip on their Fearless Leader.

There are some rules and shit I gotta follow, so here goes....

Rules & Shit

1. Post these rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you.
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they have been tagged.

Fearless Leader
11 Random Dumbass Facts About Your Fearless Leader

  1. I am from Texas. I have been sent to Maine by Saint Jim Bob (Patron Saint of Rednecks) on a secret mission that, if divulged, would require me to mercilessly eliminate each and every one of you. 
  2. I am the father of four Dumbass offspring. Ages: 7, 11, 32 and 35. Yes, they are all my progeny except the 11 year old whom I am in the process of adopting. Oh yeah...the youngest are my little girls, the oldest are my sons.
  3. I am old enough to remember John F. Kennedy, black and white TV and Woodstock amongst other things.
  4. I am a Bad Ass Fisherman. Fish. Fear. Me.
  5. I am 19 years older than my wife.
  6. I met my wife in an AOL chat room, we became friends and things went from there. We have been together for almost 10  years and married for six. The 7 year old is a product of her bending over while doing the dishes one day.
  7. I was a radio DJ for 15 years. I was on the air in Texas, New Mexico and Colorado. My show was Number 1 in every market I worked in, Number 12 nationally at one time.
  8. I have also done some TV work. I co-hosted a weekly TV show.
  9. I have been to over 30 of the United States.
  10. I love to garden. There's only two things that money can't buy, and that's true love and homegrown tomatoes.
  11. Hook 'em Horns! University of Texas!
11 Questions for Me from  Miss Four Eyes  

Do you think people should care more about each other’s bowel movements? Only if there are fewer than two bathrooms in the house.   
What is the one thing you are most afraid of? 
What is the one thing that you wish you had never touched? 
That waitress at Denny's circa 1975. 
What do you sing in the shower?
Hank Williams, Jr. or Merle Haggard. I told you I was old. And from Texas.
How do you feel about Tom Cruise?
I don't.
Do you fart? Of course you do. Who do you blame it on?
I don't own a dog, so I blame the kids.
What would you do if you met Oprah?
I'd tell her that it's OK to come out of the closet. 
Name one food you’ve never tried and don’t want to.
Haggis. Sheep innards ain't high on my menu.
Burps. Loud or silent? 
I am a Redneck. LOUD!
What species do you think will take over the world some day?
Star Wars or Star Trek?
Star Trek. Gene Roddenberry was a Texan. Gotta go with my Home Boy.

Questions for the Next Tag-ee
  1. Baseball or football?
  2. Place you'd like to live other than where you live right now.
  3. Are you a nose picker?
  4. Would you rather be in politics or a have nasty case of the flu for two years?
  5. Taco Bell or McDonalds? 
  6. Would you rather spend summer in Texas or winter in Northern Canada?
  7. If you could go back in time, what would you change about your life?
  8. If you could write a new law, what would it be?
  9. Kids or pets? 
  10. Weirdest clothes you ever worn.
  11. Would you go streaking at a major public event for $10,000?
OK, Snarkfest, Pixie C D, Modern Philosopher, and brickhousechick etc.....

Tag! You're it!


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

A Dumbass Birthday Card for Me!

Truer words, Dumbasses, truer words.....


Sick as Hell on My Birthday: Please Sweet Jesus Take Me Home!

As I type this, I am a bit under the weather.

Actually, I am a lot under the weather.

This particular malady is what is referred to by the Medical Community as Sick as Fuck. This condition also has been called Feeling Like Shit and Please, Sweet Jesus Take Me Home. 

Please, Sweet Jesus Take Me Home is also a very important part of Catholicism. In Church Doctrine this known as The Divinely-Inspired Stark Reminder to Go to Confession and Line Up a Priest for the Last Rites.


For decades I have been under the impression that a Near Death Experience would consist of a magnificent tunnel of very bright white light, angels singing in Heavenly Harmony and being greeted by friends and loved ones who have gone before me.

I can, with 100% certainty and without a doubt, debunk this theory of the NDE. I have determined that this is what the Scientific Method defines as "Bullshit".

Instead of a tunnel of white light, angels singing and old friends and family members, my NDE has been expressed by spots before my eyes, white people trying to sing rap music and The Porcelain Pony. Add to these symptoms a little projectile puking and Atomic Force Anally-Emitted Doo Doo Detonations and that pretty much sums up what a severe case of Please, Sweet Jesus Take Me Home entails.

Did I mention that today is my 58th birthday?

Happy Fucking Birthday to me, huh?

I need a priest.

Please, Sweet Jesus take me home.
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