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Friday, July 25, 2014

Dumbass Fishing Cartoon of the Day!

Reverse psychology.....




Dumbass.

Fishing Dispute Leads to "Battery By Bass" !

For those of you who are newcomers to Dumbass News, you may not know that I am a fisherman and a damn good one, too. Fish.Fear.Me. So, when a story is Dumbass News- worthy, I jump on that sucker like a duck on a June bug. And guess what? I found a fishing story that is Dumbass News-worthy!

In the winter, many residents of the northern half of the country don't let frozen streams and lakes deter them from getting in a little fishing. They just get an auger and drill a hole into the iced up body of water, drop a line in that sucker and get after it.  Such is the case of a woman and two men who were recently ice fishing.

One of the Cardinal sins of fishing is to not invade another fisherman's space by fishing in the immediate area he is fishing in or to fish too closely to him. It's just common courtesy, but if that rule is broken, it could led to unpleasant  consequences like a shouting match, fisticuffs or worse. Like being assaulted with a trout. What???!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if you fish too close to another fisherman, he/she just might slap you upside the head with a fish. Fishermen are a serious bunch about their fishing hole being intruded upon.

For example, a lady in Michigan was ice fishing when she felt her fishing hole was intruded upon by two men. This is where the dumbassery begins.

The lady walked over to the men and asked them to turn their heads while she tinkled on the ice. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go and when you're fishing, the world is your outhouse. Not that I would personally know these things <coughbullshitcough>, but when Nature calls, you've got to do something.

But, I digress.

The lady tells these two guys she's gotta pee. The guys turned around as the Dumbass Lady requested, then she goes full tilt boogie bat shit crazy and smacks the two guys about the head and shoulders and the upper extremities of their bodies with a fish! I told you that fishermen are a serious bunch when it comes to "protecting" their fishing spot.

The cops were called and it was determined that the Dumbass Fishing Lady was pissed off because, in her opinion, the two guys had put their shanty (portable ice fishing hut) too close to hers and she felt that a flagrant fishing felony was committed according to the unwritten laws of fishing, so she bashed them with a
Yooper  Assault Weapon
bass.
                                                                                                               
There's a small matter that we haven't discussed yet.

We know that the two guys called the the fuzz and after being pummeled by a pissed off piscatorial perpetrator, these two Dumbasses refused to press charges! Holy mackerel! What a couple of pansies.

I wanted to come up with a witty ending to this post, but I am drawing a blank.

All I can say is that when you go fishing, be a good sport and don't fish too close to the other guy. It's really rude and some folks, like the Dumbass Lady in the story, get a touch peeved when that happens.

Besides, you never know if the other guy is packing a concealed catfish and he's willing to use it. 
I'm just sayin'. 
Dumbasses.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Dumbass Do Over: I Screwed Up Yesterday! NEW VIDEO: Dumbass Dancing on Power Line!

I really screwed up yesterday.

I posted the wrong version of the video below. The posted version didn't even show the GOOD PART!

I have further cemented my well-earned reputation as a Dumbass.

Here's a shorter clip of the same video that gets to the good stuff real quick.

Long-Time Friend and Well-Known Dumbass Matt Vaughn brought to my attention one of the funniest and most incredibly stoopid videos I have ever seen.

Be sure to watch it until the very end.

You will not be disappointed.




Do I need to say that alcohol was involved?

Dumbass.

***Hat tip to RadioConnectMusic ***

***Thanks to Dumbass Justin Creidle for pointing out my fuck up***

Dumbass Cartoon of the Day: Old Lady Pole Dancing!

I give her an "A" for effort.....



Dumbass.

82 Year Old Granny Steals From Childrens Medical Group!

Best of Dumbass News

Even as a Middle Aged Dumbass who has been around the coffee cup huntin' the handle, I am still amazed that so many people, although not nearly as many as even 25 short years ago, stay in the same field of work at the same job with the same company for so many years. I have noticed over the last couple of years through my Facebook contact with long time friends, that many of them work for the same school district or company that they started with shortly after I last saw them a million years ago. Those years, by my standard, are measured in Dumbass Years. A Dumbass Year equals whatever I say it does. In this case, 37 years ago equals a million Dumbass Years. Hey, they're my years so I quantify them how I want to.

For example, my Dad worked for the same company for 37 years and the only reason it wasn't more is because they shut the place down. He would have had 40+ years seniority, easy. I know some people that work for the same company that they did during the summers between High School years. I am looking at you, Randy Randle. :) I think.

Today, I present to you another Seasoned Citizen to whom we can all look up to and admire as someone who has the same job for her whole life and she is eighty-two years old!

Her name is Doris Thompson.

And she's a career criminal. I love the smell of persistence in the morning. It smells like a jail cell.

All About Doris

Doris - who has at least twenty-five aliases - has a rap sheet that dates back to before I was born! And I was born in 1956! Her criminal record dates as far back as 1955!

According to the LA Times, Doris "targeted doctors' offices. He said she would enter an office, hide until closing and search for keys to the cash box. He said she stole about $17,000.
Thompson was arrested at an El Segundo hotel without incident, Watt said, and police found evidence linking her to the burglaries.
Watt said a detective who had dealt with Thompson identified her from a video that allegedly caught her in the act. The detective recognized her distinctive hair, which Thompson wears in a stand-on-its-end electric style similar to boxing promoter Don King.
Thompson has a 20-page rap sheet dating to 1955. Burglary appears to be her chosen career.
According to court records, Thompson has been imprisoned at least nine times for burglary in Los Angeles and Orange counties. She first spent time behind bars in 1983, when she was 53, according to the records. It's unclear why they don't go back further."

I Hate These Walls...

Doris' current crop of troubles stem from an incident in which she hid inside a rest room at Children's Medical Group in Torrance, Cal-ee-forn-ya, then stole the place blind after she emerged from the can when employess of CMG had left for the day.

I was almost feeling sorry for Old Doris the Fucking Asshole Career Thief - after all she is somebody's mother and grandmother- until I got to the "Childrens Medical Group" part. One of the items she swiped from CMG? A device to test children's hearing. Lovely person the Old Battle Axe is, huh? Fuck Her.

Thankfully Doris is very old and with any luck her "career" has been "cut short" by this latest run in with the Law and Old Age. Maybe the citizens of Cal-ee-forn-ya won't have to support her sorry ass for too long and she'll be kind enough to, oh, I dunno, die soon.

I Couldn't Care Less

I know. I know. I shouldn't be so hard on this poor old lady. Bullshit! The old bitty has led a life of crime for parts of seven decades! And you want me to feel bad for her due to her current circumstances? Paraphrasing Richard Pryor, you are talkin' to the wrong Fearless Leader, mothafuckah!

Yes, Doris is a Child of God and is due forgiveness for her transgressions, but she can be granted all the forgiveness she'll ever get from the Good Lord His Own Self, not your Fearless Leader. My Forgive-O-Meter is broken when it comes to Doris Thompson. She has and deserves absolutely NONE of my sympathy or compassion. What's the old saying? Insanity is doing the same thing time and again expecting different results? Doris is beyond "insane", she's a Dumbass.

I think I summed it up rather succinctly way up there ^^^^^ somewhere when I so delicately said, "Fuck. Her".

Have a nice day, Doris.

Dumbass.
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