2012 has given us a bumper crop of Dumbasses, once again making it an extremely close race in the quest for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford (that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period) Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award. And just when things started to sort themselves out in this year's competition, along comes Fred Thomas of Cushing, Maine throwing a monkey wrench into the Dumbass of the Year (DoY) selection process.
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As a "You Big Dummy" Selection Committee of One, the enormous burden of making the right choice for DoY falls squarely and heavily upon my shoulders. Fred Thomas has made this task infinitely more difficult.
- Fred separates from his wife of 39 years.
- Wife runs into difficult times.
- In order to make it through said difficult times, wife of 39 years moves back in with Fred.
- Fred wants to have sex with estranged wife and offers her $20 to give him some.
- Wife says, "No nookie", which angers Fred.
- Angry Fred pulls out his goober and slaps the wife with it!
- Wife calls cops after penis assault.
Defense Attorney Justin Andrus said Thomas was tremendously upset that his marriage of 39 years was ending. He said his estranged wife was planning to go to Pakistan to meet a man she met online. “This was not his normal conduct,” Andrus told Justice Jeffrey Hjelm during the sentencing hearing in Knox County Superior Court. Assistant District Attorney Christopher Fernald asked for Thomas to serve seven days in jail, while Andrus asked for just probation and no jail time.
Hjelm said a jail term was appropriate in this case. “This was sexually aggressive conduct. This couldn’t be much more offensive,” Hjelm said. The wife did not seek jail time for Thomas but did ask that he undergo counseling for anger management, which was ordered.
Fearless Leader's Observations
- It is not a good idea to move back in with someone you have left in the ash heap of failed marriages.
- The above is especially true if you have found another love interest - particularly if the new love interest is a camel fucker from Pakistan. Google "women's rights rights in Pakistan". The camel he screws has more rights than his woman. I'm just sayin'.
- It's bad form to offer your soon-to-be ex-wife twenty bucks for sex.
- It is egregiously bad form to pull out your thang and cockslap your soon-to-be ex-wife when she says no to your most generous offer of carnal pleasures.
- The wife is an idiot.
- The Judge is right - “This was sexually aggressive conduct. This couldn’t be much more offensive.
- Being slapped in the face by a penis is not one of those times to turn the other cheek. Unless you are into that kind of shit.
- I have been to Rockland, Maine (where this story took place) and have never once been threatened by a menacing penis.
- Why are so many penises in the news these days?
- Fred is a finalist for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford (that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period) Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award.