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Friday, April 18, 2014

T.G.I.F.! Here's Your (Dumbass) Sign!


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Best of Dumbass News

It's Friday!!!!

I know that for many of you that means the end of a perfectly good week interrupted by work.

For many others of you that means your Weekend Pass from the Home for the Chronically & Criminally Fucked Up has been approved.

Either way, you are on the Dumbass Highway to Side-splitting Laughter or At Least a Hardy Guffaw with another exciting episode of Dumbass News Presents: Dumbass Signs & Shit! 

New Dumbasses will find much mirth, merriment and amusement in this previous edition of Dumbass Signs & Billboards

On With the Show!


Come On In! Or Not.

The Free Market at Work!

And Promptly Arrested.

Welcome!

Super Sized?

BAM!

When Cheap Condoms Don't Work.

Get Your Hepatitis Here!

Sounds More Gay Than Crabby.

ObamaCare at Work.


Dumbasses.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Dumbasses & Divorce In Pictures

You are more than likely aware that half of the marriages in the United States end in divorce.

While going through the Big D (and I Don't Mean Dallas) is rarely a pleasant experience, it is always the best idea to dissolve a marriage as amicably as possible.

It's also in your best interest to show proper decorum in a Court of Law should your divorce action go that route. Threatening cook and eat the Judge's children does not fall within the guidelines of acceptable behavior in a legal proceeding.

Everything I just wrote is unquestionably true.

Unless you are a Dumbass.

Dumbasses have an innate ability to turn even something as serious as divorce into a whole other thing.

Observe...




                                  Dumbasses & Divorce


A Rose by Any Other Name...

Cheaper to Keep Her

Yup.

Special Delivery

Luck Favors a Prepared Mind

Losing It All

Just Desserts


Easy Weight Loss

Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Cold.....Real Cold


Dumbasses.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Congresswimmin Propose New National Park - On the Moon!

At the top of this page the tagline under the blog title mentions that Dumbass News is read by Dumbasses in 177 countries on Earth.

If two Democrat members of the U S House of Representatives have their way, Dumbass News could well be the first blog read from the surface of the Moon! 


How cool would that be?


The Hill reports:


Two House Democrats have proposed legislation that would establish a national historical park on the surface of the moon to mark where the Apollo missions landed between 1969 and 1972.

The bill from Reps. Donna Edwards (D-Md.) and Eddie Bernice Johnson (D-Texas) would create the Apollo Lunar Landing Sites National Historical Park. The park would be comprised of all artifacts left on the surface of the moon from the Apollo 11 through 17 missions.

The bill says these sites need to be protected because of the anticipated increase in commercial moon landings in the future.

"As commercial enterprises and foreign nations acquire the ability to land on the Moon, it is necessary to protect the Apollo lunar landing sites for posterity," according to the text of the Apollo Lunar Landing Legacy Act, H.R. 2617.

As cool as this seems, I have some reservations about the whole thing. 

I have never heard of Representative Edwards, so I have no beef with her. I am, however, very familiar with Eddie Bernice Johnson.

Ms. Johnson is, shall we say, a bit eccentric. No, we shall not. We shall say that she is as far "out there" as this proposed Lunar Park. Even though Rep. Johnson calls Dallas home, I have often wondered if she was indeed from the Moon. 
In a Blue Moon!

Now I know she's from the Moon!

I have never been shy about saying that my political beliefs lean pretty far to the right. For the uninitiated, that would be the Political Polar Opposite of Eddie Bernice Johnson. She's a Flaming Liberal and makes no bones about it. I respect her for that. You always know from where she comes.

Honestly  

To be honest, I haven't really given this bill much thought since it was sent to me in an email from Dumbass Emeritus, Stoo. 

I must say that, at first glance, it looks like a pretty damn good idea. 

The story in The Hill goes on to say that gubmint and private enterprise would work together to do this thing the right way, blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah....the United "We Hate the Fucking United States Because They Kick Ass and Take Names" Nations would also be involved in this endeavor in some stoopid fuck way. You can get all the details in the story at this link to The Hill.  

It is at this point that I become leery about this project. 

The U. N. ? Fuck them. 

I couldn't care less about what the Asshats that represent every Third World Socialist/Communist Hell Hole on Earth have to say about when, where and how the United States does bidness.  

We (the USA) didn't discover the Moon, but we got there first and should be able to do with it as we damn well please. 

As a loyal, patriotic 'Merkin, it is incumbent upon me to do my Civic Duty and pony up some ideas for the Moon Park. After all, this deal will be built with tax money and I am a taxpayer, so my input should carry some weight, right? I mean it's not every day that the Congress of the United States of America is encouraged by the Words of Wisdom that your Fearless Leader has to offer. But they are a bunch of idiots, so what do they know?


Fearless Leader's Moon Park Ideas  


  1. Disney Moon - This is the most obvious of ideas. A Disney theme park like the ones in Florida and Cal-ee-forn-ya with lousy food and overpriced cheap ass trinkets. 
  2. Lunar Bouncy House - This stellar (lunar?) attraction will be one of those big ass blow up bouncy houses like you see at County Fairs and shit. The thing that will make
    the LBH (Lunar Bouncy House) different is that there is virtually no gravity on the Moon! Imagine the Happy Parents when Junior the Child Asshat pushes off the inflated LBH floor and shoots off into inter-stellar space at the Speed of Oh Shiiiiiiiiitt! Just think, now that the Little Fuck is at the mercy of solar winds and the gravitational pull of the Earth, Mom and Dad can finally relax and go on the Real Vacation of a Lifetime that they've always wanted to Cleveland! Or Passaic, New Jersey!
  3. The Golden Arches - They've got a McDonalds in China, so why not on the Moon?
    One thing however....the marquee outside a McDonalds on the Moon would read "Over 15 Sold". That is until the Moon is overrun by Illegal Aliens. This is of course assuming that there is loose border security at the Moon River as there is at the Rio Grande. Have faith, though. Congress will find some way to fuck up immigration to the Moon also.
  4. Strip Joints - Where words like "impact crater" and phrases such as "wanna see my Moon Rocks?" will take on drastically different meanings on the Moon than the ones here on the 3rd Rock From the Sun. 
  5. Lunar Shuttle Vehicles - I almost forgot about this one. I mean you gotta have a mode of transportation from the Earth to the Moon and back, right? The round trip will be damn near a half-million miles so there has to some amenities aboard the space craft to entertain the passengers. Hooters would be cool. And for the kids, a Chuck E. Green Cheese.
So, Representatives Edwards and Johnson, I humbly submit these ideas in hopes that the tens, if not hundreds, of billions of dollars necessary to run this scam endeavor will be wisely spent for the common good of the American people. 

Impact craters. 


Heh.


Dumbasses.


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

New Feature! Dumbass Small Town Newspaper Police Blotters!

Without a doubt, the Most Popular Special Feature on Dumbass News is Dumbass Newspaper Headlines.

Newer Special Features on the blog, also big hits with the Dumbass Horde, are Dumbass Newspaper Layouts and Dumbass Classified Ads. 

Today we are taking the basic premise of those features one step further.

If you have ever lived in a small town and read the local newspaper, you will have undoubtedly come across (and probably gotten a chuckle from) the Weekly Police Blotter. If you are unfamiliar with the Police Blotter in a small town paper, it's a round up of calls answered by the County Sheriff or the Town Police Department.

Almost all these calls are pretty benign. For example, I still remember a snippet from the Police Blotter in the newspaper in Graham, Texas from over twenty years ago. This is a nearly verbatim recollection of that item: "Police received a call of a bull running loose on County Road XYZ. Officers responded. Cow put up."

From small town newspapers across The Fruited Plain, we proudly present....The First Ever Dumbass News Police Blotter! 

She Also Smoked a Late Night Doobie.

Next Up: Mommy Teaches Kid Importance of Not Listening to Mommy

Personal Foul

Another Late Night Doobie Freak

Thank God It Wasn't a Dutch Oven

Have You Seen This Man?

High Tech Police Investigative Tools

On the Bottom of the Cage Was a Copy of This Newspaper

After All, "Prostitution" & "Failure to Stop at an RR Crossing" Are Often Confused for Each Other

Also: Lawsuit Against Shaq Pending

Dumbasses.






Monday, April 14, 2014

Dumbass Science: Lab-Grown Vajayjays!

Dear Mom: you may NOT want to read this!

Science.



I have written about it on several occasions.

Just because I am a Dumbass doesn't mean that I ain't curious about the World (and shiny objects) around me.

Anyway....I don't write about Stoopid Shit Science, like e = mc². That boring claptrap and other who-gives-a-damn science-y horse hockey was discovered through research, observation, experimentation, using mathematics and following something called The Scientific Method. 

Who friggin' cares?

I write about The Science That Matters to Dumbasses. 

You know...like cow farts and the Gubmint's desire to designate them as Greenhouse Gasses.

Or how cussing can be beneficial to Dumbasses around the globe.

Looking into the effects of Taco Bell on the Neuro Science of Dumbassery intrigues me as well.

An informed Fearless Leader is an effective Fearless Leader.

As such, I can more adequately and thoroughly spread the Gospel of St. Jim Bob, Patron Saint of Dumbasses, Rednecks and Non-Yankees, beyond the scope of the Lost Souls in the 177 countries on Earth that have already been edified by the life-altering content found on Dumbass News.

Today's topic will undoubtedly be one with which the Overwhelming Majority of Male Dumbasses are unfamiliar - vaginas. It is a sad but indisputable fact that most of the Dumbasses of the XY Chomosome Crowd wouldn't know a vagina if it walked up and bit them on the weenie. A Biting Vagina is, however, another story for another day. A story we shall no doubt come across in due time, I'm sure.

BUT!

Lab-Grown Vaginas, on the other hand are here!

NOW!


Lab-Grown Vagina Technician Hard at Work

Yep, Scientistic Dumbass Doctors at Wake Forest University have come to the rescue of The Vagina-less by growing vaginas in a laboratory!  

This represents a major advancement in raising the quality of life for women (or baby girls) who were born with a condition called MRKH. I won't go into detail here, so click the preceding link to get up to speed.

My reasons for bringing up Lab-Grown Vaginas are manifold.

And purely out of Intellectual Curiosity.

  • What will LGVs mean to Non LGVs?
  • Will Lab-Grown Vaginas be regulated by the Gubmint?
  • Will they be covered by ObamaCare? 
  • Can Lab-Grown Biting Vaginas be far behind?
  • If there's an eruption of LGBV attacks on unsuspecting penises around the country, can LGBVs be held criminally liable?
  • Could this lead to Nationwide LGBV Control and/or Registration?
  • When LGBVs are outlawed, only Outlaws will have LGBVs.
  • Now only if these Scientistic Dumbass Doctors at Wake Forest could come up with a Big Brass Pair for our Duly Elected/Appointed Dumbasses in Washington, D.C..
  • God knows that very few of them have any balls.
  • Except Hillary Clinton.
  • Even though she's not there anymore.
  • I don't like her, but you gotta admit, the bitch has balls.
  • And probably a Non Lab-Grown Biting Vajayjay.
  • I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Dumbasses.
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