Over the last week, each member of the First Family of Dumbassery has/is/is again experiencing symptoms of The Crud.
The Crud is a debilitating disorder that manifests itself with any or all of the following maladies, individually or in sadistic combination with one another:
- A "croupy" cough that sounds like a flock of caffeine-laden Canada geese with emphysema.
- A headache that feels like someone is pounding you about your skull with 16 pound sledge hammer.
- Sounds resembling a Mack Truck diesel engine eminating from the stomach-ular region.
- Nausea of the kind you would get if you chugged a quart of Liquid Plumber.
- Chunky Style Projectile Puking.
- Anal emissions that mirror a rancid chocolate milk-battery acid milk shake. This is known as Ass Effects.
In short, that is The Crud.
I have been battling The Crud for seven or eight days, but the currently most-afflicted member of the First Family of Dumbassery is my 12 year old daughter, Issy.
I got call from the Nurse at Issy's school Friday after noon informing me that Issy had just completed an exemplary demonstration of Chunky Style Projectile Puking.
I went and picked her up from school and brought her back to the Dumbass Dome.
After much rest and a bunch of Motherly TLC from Mrs. Fearless Leader, plus the requisite bitchin' and moanin' that accompanies a case of The Crud as experienced by a 12 year old girl, Monday morning arrived and Issy declared that she was feeling well enough to go back to school.
Until just after lunch.
One bite of a cheeseburger and a gulp of milk later, Issy's tummy told her otherwise. By "told her
One of Issy's Alert-and-Sharp-as-a-Ball-Peen-Hammer friends took quick notice of the unfolding drama.
Here's the scene as I understand it:
Issy: Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllfffffffffff!!!!!!!!!!!! eleventy!!!!!!
Alert-and-Sharp-as-a-Ball-Peen-Hammer Friend: (Very Loudly) My homie's throwing up!
Alert-and-Sharp-as-a-Ball-Peen-Hammer Friend: (787 Jumbo Jet Air Bus Decibel Level) Yo! My Homie's heavin' here!
Alert-and-Sharp-as-a-Ball-Peen-Hammer Friend: Hey, motherfuckers! My homie is Projectile Puking Chunky Style ovah heah! <---said accent.="" maine="" noticeable="" p="" very="" with="">
OK...I made up the "motherfuckers" part, but the rest of the story is pretty much verbatim as it was told to me.
Issy was taken to the School Nurse, again, who in turn called me, again, and I went to get Issy, again, brought her home and Mrs. Fearless Leader is once again doing a bang-up job of Mommy-ing our Little Girl back to health.
I do think Issy is feeling better now. The Little Shit just ate a large serving of Extra Spicy Hormel Chili (with beans), or as it is now known Ass Effects In a Can.