Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

People of Wal Mart Photo of the Day: Dog Days at Wally World!

Clean up on Aisle 3 please.....


***Shamelessly Stolen from People of Wal ***

Stuck Wedding Ring Removal Tool: Glock 9mm Pistol!

Have you ever had trouble removing a ring from your finger?

Me, too.

I have learned over the years that when I do a lot of strenuous work that involves using my hands for an extended period of time, like gardening, my fingers swell up just enough that taking off a ring ain't as easy as it should be.

I have used several methods of stuck ring removal with varying degrees of success - cold water, soap, butter and others that escape me at the moment.

A Dumbass in Bradford, Pennsylvania has come up with a ring removal idea that is sure to take the Dumbass Horde by storm!

Let me splain.

Is This Stuck on Your Finger?
All Purpose Wedding Ring Removal Tool

Wedding Ring Blues

For some damn reason, known only to himself, Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III (is that an Eye-talian name or what?) wanted his wedding ring off his finger, and he wanted it off there bad.

I'm not sure whether or not Alfredo used any cold water, soap or butter in order to get his wedding ring off his finger, but he was persistent in his quest to be ringless. After considerable deliberation, Alfredo finally found a solution to his dilemma!

Grab a hand gun and shoot the wedding ring off his finger!

Now, to the uninitiated, this may seem to be a bit extreme. And that's because it is, you Dumbass! Who in his right fucking mind would use a firearm to remove a wedding ring from his finger?! Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III, that's who!

Seriously, Big Al corralled a pistol, carefully took aim at his wedding band and BANG!

Problem solved.

Sort of.

Alfredo managed to blast his ring finger into oblivion, but there was a slight hitch in his plan. He blew his digit off, but the ring remained on the stump where a moment ago there was a perfectly good ring finger!

I guess it is necessary to the plot to inform you that during this whole deal Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III was, according to police officers who answered the call about a Dumbass shooting off his finger, extremely intoxicated. Ya think?

There's one more little twist to this story. Alfredo is employed as a prison guard!

Malespini has been charged with a bunch of gun-related shit and could end up sharing a cell with some of the very people he was paid to supervise. Can you say "prison bitch"? I have a sneaky feeling that if Alfredo ends up in the Slammer, the boys in Cell Block D will invent new ways to play "Hide the Sausage" with him.

Suggestions for Alfredo
  • For any future wedding ring removal, try cold water, soap or butter.
  • Don't wear a ring.
  • Don't stay married so you won't be obliged to wear a wedding ring.
  • Lay off The Sauce.
  • Next time, aim lower. Your nut sack would be a good place to start.
  • Have fun in Cell Block D.
  • And here's the obligatory "don't drop the soap" warning.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Shocking VIDEO: Drunk Guy Dancing on a High Voltage Power Line!

Long-Time Friend and Well-Known Dumbass Matt Vaughn brought to my attention one of the funniest and most incredibly stoopid videos I have ever seen.

Be sure to watch it until the very end.

You will not be disappointed.

Do I need to say that alcohol was involved?


***Hat tip to RadioConnectMusic ***

Dumbass on Drugs, Dumbass on Fire, Hazmat & the Car Wash!

Best of Dumbass News

I have traveled to, through and/or lived in over 30 of the fifty States in the Union.

North Dakota fills none of those bills.

For the Yoopers in the audience, that means "I ain't never been there." 

Therefore, I don't know a helluva lot about The Dakota On Top.

I do, however, know that North Dakota is home to less than 750,000 people and the do a lot of oil bidness there.

There is a small town of about 18,000 North Dakota-ites, most of them White North Dakota-ites, named Mandan. I have never before heard of this burg.
Can You Show Me to the Nearest Car Wash, Please?

Until now.

Thanks to a Dumbass.

I'd like to thank David Kissee for this.

Let me splain.

You see, David was having a grand old time doing some controlled substances and hanging out at the local convenience store when, shall we say, he "had a moment". No, we shall say that he "fucking freaked out", as is often the case when human beans ingest narcotics.

In his state of hallooganatin', David was 100% certain that a team of  Hazmat Guys dressed in chemical suits had poured some toxic materials upon his person. His skin was burning as though he had been dipped in sulfuric acid.

He had to do something!

I am sure that there a few remedies that would alleviate some of David's discomfort.

I am also quite convinced that dousing yourself in gasoline and setting yourself on fire is not one of them.

But this is exactly what David did.

It turns out that the very real fire consuming David's body was much more uncomfortable than the imaginary chemicals that the imaginary Hazmat Guys had soaked him with.


As luck would have it, Fate intervened!

On the convenience store property drive-thru carwash!

Or in David's case, a Richard Pryor Memorial Haul Ass Thru So You Can Extinguish the Flames Burning Your Body to a Crisp Dumbass Wash. Bingo! No more fire!

With his skin not quite the consistency of a deep fried 59¢ burrito from Taco Bell, David somehow had enough snap about, or as they say in North Dakota "aboot", him to realize that he needed to get his ash ass outta there.

So he did what any lunatic who had just set himself afire would do. Call 9-1-1? Nope. He stole a car. 

A few blocks away, Dave ditched the car and further complicated his predicament by breaking into a house! Unfortunately for Our Hero, the homeowner was in the house.

Instead of setting himself on fire, utilizing a Richard Pryor Memorial Haul Ass Thru So You Can Extinguish the Flames Burning Your Body to a Crisp Dumbass Wash and stealing a car to escape from the intruder, the Homeowner Guy called 9-1-1.

David Kissee was arrested and admitted to the psych ward burn unit of a local hospital where he is currently undergoing de-crispification.

Which is a lot better than what he'll undergo in a North Dakota State Penitentiary.


***Hat Tip to Mrs. Fearless Leader & NY Daily News ***
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