Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Dumbass Mom Slaps Kid at School! Yikes! Wrong Kid!

Best of Dumbass News

Have you ever come across twins or triplets so identical you wonder how anyone can tell them apart?

I have.

One time many years ago I was at a Dairy Queen in Tyler, Texas having a cheeseburger when a nice family came in. First in was a little boy, followed by Mom. Dad was holding the restaurant door open for the rest of the group. In walks a little girl closely tailgated by another little girl who looked exactly like the first girl. I thought, "That's cool. Twins!"

I was wrong.

A few nano seconds after that another little girl came through the door. She looked exactly like the two other girls who came in before her. I remember thinking, "Wow! That's something you don't see every day! Triplets!"

I was wrong.

Again.

Dad is still holding the door open when...you guessed it...yet another little girl walked in.

Quadruplets!

I'm telling you that it was damn near impossible to tell which girl was which. It was like the same little girl had walked into the Dairy Queen and somehow sneaked back outside and re-entered the place three more times!

I have never before that moment nor since seen anything quite like that.

Which brings us back to our opening question. How the hell does anybody, besides Mom and Dad, tell kids like this one from the other? If they were a precocious quartet, I bet they could pull some bodacious swaparoony tricks on some folks.

But what if the kid was a singleton? Easy to I.D., right?

Wrong.

Knot Slappin'

From The Poughkeepsie Journal via reagancoalition.comSPARTANBURG, S.C. --  The mother
of a middle school student who was being suspended has been arrested after deputies say she walked into the school and slapped the wrong child.

Spartanburg County sheriff's deputies say 36-year-old Tyshekka Collier went to Fairforest Middle School Wednesday morning to pick up her son. Principal Ty Dawkins called authorities after Collier walked into the office, mistook a boy for her son and slapped him in the face.
Dawkins said that boy was sick and had been waiting to be picked up.
Dawkins says once Collier realized her mistake, she apologized, then walked over to her son and knocked him to the ground.
Collier was charged with disturbing school and assault and battery. It wasn't known if she had a lawyer.
Her three children are in protective custody.

Inquiring Minds Wanna Know
  • Obligatory: How in God's name could a Mother not differentiate her kid from a strange kid?
  • Even if the stoopid bitch could tell her kid from another, why the hell would she go into a school and start slapping the snot out of him?
  • Common Knot-Slappin' Etiquette dictates that slappin' a knot so big he's gotta tiptoe to scratch it on a boy's skull should be done in the privacy of one's home.
  • Never in public.
  • At least if there are witnesses.  
  • Apologizing after physically attacking another human bean does not take away the fact that one has committed assault and battery. 
  • Just ask Tyshekka.
  • Really? 
  • The Mother of the Year Award is probably out of the question now.
  • Dumbass of the Year is not.
  • Who the hell names their kid "Tyshekka"?
Dumbass.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

A Dumbass Grows Old: The Case of the Sleepy Ass!

As many of you know, yesterday Mrs. Fearless Leader and I celebrated our tenth year of being a couple.

Some things have changed over the past decade.

Ten years ago, I had hair --->


Today, not so much --->


The last ten years have also brought many changes to my body - no hair where it should be, hair magically appearing where my skin was once barren (see ears), aches and pains in places I didn't know existed on the human frame , gravity has taken over and select areas of my one-Herculean physique have navigated in a more Southerly direction.

Another thing....after ten years of Mrs. Fearless Leader chewing on it (figurative, that is), I have no ass. The result? This:


Dumbass.

Dumbass: "Hey, Judge, I Am Gonna Cook & Eat Your Kids!"

Best of Dumbass News

Divorce.

One of the ugliest words in the English language.

Unless of course you are married to a real motherfucker.

If you find/have found yourself in the position of being hitched to a steaming pile of yak shit of a spouse, then the word "divorce" rings in your ears like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing the Hallelujah Chorus.

Still, it is always in your best interest, especially if kids are involved, to conduct yourself civilly during divorce proceedings.

James Satterfield of Cobb County, Georgia probably wishes he had done so.

But, as the old Carole King song goes, "it's too late, baby now, it's too late".

She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft

You see, James Satterfield went through a divorce in which he felt he was unfairly treated. There are ways to remedy court rulings in which one feels he or she has been given the short end of the stick. These remedies involve lawyers, judges and all kinds of other fun-filled legal system avenues. James, being all pissed off at the judge in his divorce case, forewent these processes. Instead, good ol' Jimmy wrote a letter to the presiding judge in the matter of the dissolution of his marriage.

What could possibly go wrong?
Loves Children...Especially With Salt & Mustard

I guess that nothing would go wrong unless in the letter to Hizzoner you threaten to murder his children and "cook them first to make them more palatable".

Any father would immediately take great offense at such a threat.

But not just any father can throw your lousy ass in jail and toss away the key.

A father who is a County Superior Court Judge can.

In addition to threatening to make the judge's kids his supper, the warrant for James' arrest also stated that he had written a check to his soon-to-be ex-wife for $72,000, moved out of his apartment and told his family to give away his belongings.

Oh, yeah, one more thing.

James had a gun in his truck.

With this evidence in hand, Authorities determined that James was about to carry out (carry out! kids for lunch! hahahaha!) his nefarious plot.

This is why Jim Bob is in the County Lock Up being held without bail.

To be accurate, it wasn't the judge in James' divorce case that threw him in the slammer, it was another judge altogether.

James was also ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation.

Ya think?

Dumbass.

Friday, November 21, 2014

A Decade As a Dumbass Family: 10 Years With Mrs. Fearless Leader!



Ten Years Ago Today:

  • I had just moved from Tyler,Texas to Central City, Colorado.
  • I made a phone call that changed the course of my life.
  • During that phone call the tread on my hiking boots got caught on a very small step on the front porch sidewalk.
  • I fell on my ass.
  • And kept falling for twelve steps and about 8 verticle feet.
  • I broke my elbow in five places.
  • I bled like a stuck cabrito (goat) at a Meskin BBQ.
  • I threw the phone.
  • It landed in the street which was another 8 verticle feet and twelve more steps lower than where I landed once I stopped tumbling.
  • About twenty-five yards away from me.
  • In two different pieces in two different directions!
  • That phone still works.
  • The Young Lady On the Other End of the Line thought I had hung up on her.
  • No, I was bleeding to Death with five extra pieces in my left elbow.
  • The Young Lady On the Other End of the Line is now my wife.
The 10 Year Journey

Here's an long excerpt from a story I wrote a while back that further explains things. 

I came here on a whim, unannounced, and my life changed forever - for the first time I laid my eyes on Heather and Issy in real life.

Back Story: I first got to know Heather in an AOL Chat Room back in 2004. (Don't laugh yet!) All I knew about her was that she was a single Mom with a then almost-two-year-old Baby Girl, Isabella. I noticed in that Chat Room that Heather was not, shall we say "shy". I liked that.

Long story short, we got to be buddies, then very good friends. The It happened. On November 21, 2004, I made The Phone Call that would lead me to The Top Right Hand Corner of the United States. 

I was expecting this to be a visit of a week or two, then back to Colorado where I was living at the time.

It didn't quite work out that way.

Heather now calls me her Husband, Issy is now 12 years old and calls me "Daddy". And just for good measure, Heather and I made a baby together. That baby, Bailey, is now 7 years old.

Below is an old story I wrote a few years ago, so some of the numbers will have changed, but the story itself remains the same.                  
Heather in 50 Years

And it has a happy ending.

The Down Low

As I said, I accompanied my wife shopping today.

All. Day. Long.

The women reading this will say, "You deserve it, you son of a motherless goat". And that's one of the nicer things they say. The men are thinking, "You poor sumbitch, you should have stayed single." Then, drink heavily, they begin thinking of the day that they too will be in my position....married. With young children (7 & 12; both girls). And like me, 58 years old. Now who's the poor sumbitch boys? You have all this to look forward too. Poor sumbitches. bwahahaha!

The Real Reason for This Post

Today is my wife's birthday.

She is 38 years old, 19 years younger than me. Even though I'm so much older than she is, she's too old for me. I'd rather have two eighteen year old Swedish Bikini Team Members as "wives". Preferably lesbians. After all, 18 + 18= 36. And the lesbian part is a YouTube sensation waiting to happen. So the shit works out right.

On the real side though, my wife is a good woman, a great wife and Mother, outstanding cook and she's the shiznit in the sack. However, I just can't get over that Swedish Bikini Team thing up there ^^^^^. But, I digress.

In spite of all these outstanding qualities my wife, Heather, possesses, God bless her, she ain't the biggest catfish on the trot line, IYKWIMAITYD. (Yankees and Californians may want to Google the term "trot line". No, it's not pornographic you asswipes.)

Here's an example of how, shall we say, slow my wife is. No, let's not say "slow", let's say "Dumbass". One time I told her that I wanted to watch Monday Night Football. She asked me what night it was on! See? Then there was the time several years ago that I needed to get hammered. She brought me a ball peen hammer jobby. Even though Heather is a Dumbass, she has put up with me for the last ten years, which further proves my point! If the poor woman had dynamite for brains, she couldn't blow her nose. Capice?

On the Real Side

I love Heather very much.

She's stood by me when I thought even God had had enough of me. And believe you me, that's quite a job right there. She has given me two beautiful, smart, healthy little girls. She has, over the last ten years, filled a void in my life and a hole in my heart that I never expected to be filled. She has loved me when I didn't come close to deserving it more times than I can count. In spite of the fact that I am 2000 miles from my beloved Texas, Maine is now my home and I'll probably spend the rest of my life here. And I shall do so without reservation. The reason for that is simple. Her name is Heather. Without her I wouldn't be the Dumbass I am today.

I love you Heather.

Dumbass. :)


Dumbass Auto Correct FAIL!

Best of Dumbass News

I love technology.

I don't have nearly as many gizmos as I'd like too.

A glaring omission from my Hi Tech Gadgets List is a smart phone.

Oh, I have a cell phone, but it's a $90 job from Straight Talk.

A cheap ass Blackberry ripoff.

I only use when I go to Wal Mart or grocery shopping when Mrs. Fearless Leader can't go with me so she can call me and tell me if we forgot to add something to The Shit I Am Supposed to Buy Today List.

do not text.

Of the 15 or so years that I have owned a cell phone, I bet I have sent fewer than a dozen texts.

Even when I had a fancy schmancy phone.

Bluntly put, I suck at texting.

I am glad I do, because no matter how proficient one may be at sending text messages, texts have a way of ending up, shall we say, not turning out as one intends them to. And by "not turning out as one intends them to", I mean "fucked up seven ways to Sunday".

These days this is mainly due to that Spawn of the Techno-Satan, "auto correct".

See For Yourself

All In the Family

Splinters

The Ride

Woops!

Juicy Fruit?

Cocka Cola

Furry Taco for Supper

Shaved By the (Dinner) Bell

China Vagina

Better Than O J?

Dumbasses.

*** Thanks to Damn You Auto Correct ***


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