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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Hope Amidst Heartbreak, Time to Move On

Over the course of (almost) four years and 1500+ posts, I have rarely dealt with Heavy Duty Personal Issues on Dumbass News.   


Today I will.

Today's post will be personal.

Very personal.

If you came here looking for teh funnay, I ain't got it today.

Abrupt and dramatic change is taking place at the Dumbass Dome. 

Yesterday, after almost 10 years together, Mrs. Fearless Leader told me that my services as a husband were no longer needed. She asked me for a divorce.

While, like millions of other marriages, ours has had its share of ups and downs, I thought that we'd always have the wherewithal to overcome any obstacle blocking our path to Forever Together.

I was wrong.

There's plenty of blame to pass around as a result of this mess, but I, nor the Soon-to-Be Ex Mrs. Fearless Leader will be throwing shit each at the other simply because we can no longer maintain a viable marriage. (I think this is the first time in my adult life that I have actually acted like an adult!) She will still be my Best Friend, just not my wife.

Regardless, I am totally devastated.

I know that things will, over time, smooth out and life will go on, but at this moment in time, that light at the end of the tunnel looks like the fright train headed straight at me.

Other than the loss of a loved one or dear friend, this is the most overwhelming and depressing thing that has ever happened to me.

I am lost.

I am hurt.

I am confused.

I am not "all right".

That said, I am a pretty resilient guy so I'll bounce back and continue to cherish every sunrise that the Good Lord will bless me with.

I was just hoping to see every glorious one of them with Heather.

Alas, it was not meant to be.

I know deep in my heart of hearts, however, that there is hope amidst heartbreak.

After all, Hope springs eternal.

Doesn't it?

To be continued........

Dumbasses.



Dumbass Student Crosswalk!

Corss wlak.....


Dumbasses.

Dumbass Edjukashun: Parents Are Stoopid!

As a new school year approaches, a few thoughts... 


If you've ever been the parent of a child who goes to school, you, more than anyone else, know that kids occasionally get sick and have to miss a day of the Three Rs only to become the Fourth R, Rotten! But Rotten is another story for another day. When kids are too ill to attend school for a day, it's school policy that the parents of said sick child, upon her return to school, issue a note from Mom or Dad explaining Little Susie's absence. Fair enough. However! Upon reading the "my kid missed school because,,," notes, teachers have to wonder how the hell did Mom or Dad make it through school! Or if they even went to school.

Let me splain.

Prelude to Dumbassery

Some of the "excuse letters" that parents write explaining a kid's absence from school are sicker than whatever kept the kid home in the first place. And by "sick", I mean "stupid". Weeeellll, "stupid" may not be the right word to use here, but the phrase "dumber than a box of hammers" is pretty accurate.

If you send your child to a public school, withdraw him immediately! If you do not take prompt action today, it may be too late for your kid! I. Ain't. Kiddin'. Once you read some of the notes I have been talking about, you'll quickly realize that the tax dollars, YOUR tax dollars, used to fund public education might as well be spent buying Chevy Volts. Schools and Volts are both gubmint projects and neither of them has proven to be anything but disastrous, expensive and failures. I'm just sayin'. Having a hard time swallowing that? Then chew on this shit.

Parents of Skool Kidz Are Stoopid

OK, you asked for it and I am happy to oblige. Here are a few of the stupidest, most English-challenged pieces of work you have ever seen in your life. And that's just the Parents! The excuse notes are even more jacked up.

The following "excuse my kid from missing school" notes will be presented exactly as they were written at the time. I will not change a thing about them. BTW, thanks to ozzu.com for the excuse notes.

Behold the work of America's parents:

  • 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • 2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  • 3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • 4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  • 5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  • 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  • 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  • 10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • 11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the *plum*.[words in "(  )'s" were crossed out.]
  • 12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  • 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Want more? Just follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Further Proof:

  • 15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
  • 16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  • 17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  • 18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  • 19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  • 20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • 21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
  • 22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
  • 23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
  • 24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
I rest my case.

Lern to Spel!
Learn Your Own Damn Language, Dumbass!

If it seems that I am ragging on a boatload of parents, it's because I am! My advice to these Moms and Dads is to learn your own damn language - English! I understand that mistakes will be made when writing a note to school, a resume or even a or blog. Hell, I'm sure someone with much more command of the English language and the grammar thereof could go back through what I've written in the last few minutes and tear me a new one because of various errors. I can live with that. English is a tough language to get a hold of in many ways. Ask any immigrant or student new to English. Hell, ask an American the same things and see what you get?! And it's our native tongue!

My problem lies with what appears to me to be a lack of effort in coming anywhere near the proper use of spoken and written English. Did these goofballs just not pay attention at school? Did they even GO to school? Who is to be held accountable? Lazy students? Dumbass parents? Crummy teachers? The city school board who think throwing more money at a problem is the solution instead of addressing the problem head on? The State Edjumacation morons? How about the Feds? In a word: Yes times five. But each of the aforementioned groups bears blame in different "quantities".

Who's to Blame?

 And the blame goes to....(in no particular order):

  • 1) The Students - In the end, it's the kids' who are the ones who suffer, but it is they who've got to put their collective noses to the grindstone. It's not a very complicated thing, really. Go to school every day. Get there on time. Listen/Read/Write/Learn/Ask Questions/Study. Simple, huh? Oh! One more thing. When you are too sick to go to school and the time comes to go back, WRITE YOUR OWN NOTE AND HAVE YOUR PARENTS READ IT THEN SIGN IT! Whatever you do, for God's sake, DO NOT let your folks scribble a word! 
  • 2) Parents - Let me put it this way: Would you wants the parents who wrote those excuse notes to help YOUR kids with their homework? Enough said
  •  3) Crummy Teachers - This is not a cheap shot at ALL public school teachers. Over the last 50 years I have known and been a student of many outstanding p. s . teachers. They taught for all the right reasons, chief among a love of kids and a desire to pass on valuable knowledge that will ultimately be crucial at some point in life. In this group of great teachers I include the current/past teachers my little girls have/have had in their brief academic endeavors. These teachers are a priceless commodity to not only our children, but to the country as well. Well educated young people are the best hope for the future of our Representative Republic. That doesn't necessarily mean that everyone has to go to an Ivy League Bastion of Liberalism either. Trade schools and, in many instances, online "schools" provide superb curricula and very good instructors. My point here is to reward the teachers who achieve success with their students and dump the crummy ones like an Iranian Mullah drops a pork chop. Easier said than done? Sure, but when has ANY challenge been too much for the United States of America to overcome? Let's start with the young folks by giving their teachers the tools needed to educate our children. And more money ain't always the right solution to a major problem. 
  •  4) City School Boards - See Number 3, Crummy teachers. I could add a lot more stuff here, but it would take a week to type it all out. But good ole Number 3 up there is a great place to start. Simply substitute the word "school board member/administrator for the word "teacher" and you won't be wrong.
  • 5) State Dept. of Education - Again I refer to Number 3. For "teacher" use "bureaucrat", "professional public servant" (that's not a good thing) or "dumbass". They are all interchangeable.
So, get with the program, you dipshits!

And learn English!

Dumbasses.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Dumbass Photo of the Day: Greatest Fireman's Name in History!

A rose by any other name.....



Dumbass.

Firemen Try to Put Out Fire w/ Jet Fuel!

We (meaning "I") are always on the lookout for "hot" stories.

And by "hot" stories I naturally mean stories about raging infernos, arson-by-Facebook and penises stuck in toasters.

The common denominator in all these types of stories is of course fire

And firemen.

Fire fighters are highly trained individuals who selflessly risk their lives protecting their fellow citizens from conflagrations ranging from out of control camp fires to fully engulfed skyscrapers. Fire fighters are men and women who are blessed with an inordinate amount of courage and fearlessness

And, on occasion, Dumbassery.

There was a group of fire fighters in Washington going through some routine training exercises, staying on top of the latest in firefighting techniques and technology as well as sharpening their mad firefighting skillz.

Except this training exercise turned out to be anything but routine.


Sure the Fire Guys set some structure ablaze and went about dousing it with water.

Problem is that the flames were not being extinguished, they were getting bigger!

I am not now nor have I ever been a Professional Firefighter, although I have put out numerous camp fires and a few stove top skillet blazes. That being said, I'm pretty sure that this is not how things are supposed to go on a "routine fire fighting training exercise". It is therefore my Considered Professional Fearless Leader Camp Fire and Stove Top Blaze Putter-Outer Opinion that something was amiss here.

There are several reasons as to why I have reached this stunning conclusion:

  1. I am inclined to believe that when a contingent of Professional Fire Fighters set a structure on fire they are fairly confident that they will have minimal difficulty in bringing the blaze under control and eventually to a soggy conclusion.
  2. No matter how big a fire is, over the course of time water will eventually do to a fire what water in sufficient quantities will do to a fire - put it out.
  3. This brigade of Profesional Fire Fighters was actually spraying jet fuel on this fire!
Yep.

Somewhere along the way there was a malfunction in some fire fighting equipment that caused jet fuel to be routed through the hose that water was supposed to be pumped through.

This is a very good explanation as to why this fire intensified.

In Professional Fire Fighting Circles this is known as "The Big Oopsie Daisy." Or "stoopid as fuck." 

Dumbasses.


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