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Friday, December 19, 2014

All Time Favorite Dumbass Christmas Gift: Toot Tone!

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Dumbasses.

Homeless Guy Swipes Ambulance to Go to Titty Bar!

Boobies an be powerful motivators.

Especially to a Homeless Guy who has a hankerin' to see a pair of double Ds at the local jiggle joint.

Of course being a Homeless Guy generally precludes one from owning reliable transportation with which to go witness a set of sagging knockers doing the Watusi on the chest of a crack head ho of a stripper.

However, where there's a will, there's a way.

And an ambulance.

This is exactly what happened in Dee-troit recently.

Let me splain.

There is this Homeless Guy who was very lonely and thought that a trip to a topless bar would lift his spirits - not to mention his Homeless Weenie.

So Homeless Guy set forth on his way to partake of a rousing session of pole dancing by the aforementioned crack head ho strippers.

At some point HG got tired from walking to (I am not making this up) The Booby Trap, Home of Dee-troit's Finest Saggy Titted Crack Head Ho Strippers.

Then, it happened.

He saw an ambulance.

So he stole it.

After all, when a Homeless Guy wants to see some tits, it's an emergency and therefore worthy of an emergency response. So hijacking an ambulance is a perfectly logical solution to such a dilemma.

Did I yet say that Homeless Guy swiped the ambulance from a hospital? What would you think if I told you that the meat wagon was parked in front of - you got it - the emergency room entrance! This is only fitting to the narrative of this story.

There were, however, a few obstacles in the path of Homeless Guy's trek to The Booby Trap.

  • He was pulled over and subsequently arrested by Dee-troit's finest.
  • The cops track the location of the ambulance through the GPS on a cell phone inadvertently left behind.
  • The Booby Trap had been out of bidness for quite some time.
  • Also, Homeless Guy had some "mental health issues".
  • Ya think?
Having been an Impartial Observer of Some Bodacious Tatas in strip joints all across this great country of ours, I cannot condone Homeless Guy's reckless and illegal behavior.

  • Irresponsible actions such as this can only serve to motivate other Homeless Guys with a predilection for Saggy Titted Crack Head Ho Strippers to do some unnecessary ambulance-napping.
  • Stealing a cop car is far more preferrable to thieving an ambulance.
  • It will get you there faster.
  • Unless of course you are going to The Booby Trap.
Dumbass.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

New Guest Dumbass - The Pink Noam! Uk Dumb-Arsery

Attention Dumbasses!

Please give a rousing Dumbass Horde Welcome to a brand spankin' new Guest Post Dumbass --- all the way from across the Pond...the UK's Most Popular Nekkid Blogger, The Pink Noam!

I'm an English bloke,  and so for this, my first guest post on Dumbass News, I felt it appropriate to share a story of somebody in the UK being a Dumbass Dumb-Arse.

The original story is here.

There is a lady in Manchester, UK who managed to get herself struck by a Metrolink tram.

This woman is neither blind nor deaf (although she might be now, having managed to get her head dented by a tram) and yet somehow she managed to 'accidentally' get in the way of a slow-moving, gigantic yellow noisy-beast of a contraption and cause herself a head injury.

Here's a picture of the vehicle in question:

Note the gigantic yellow-ness of it.

Apparently, this particular Dozy Doris was crossing the road with a friend, presumably indulging in frivolous conversation about knickers or shoes or something, and she managed to get her head bashed by the tram.

Actually, maybe they weren't talking at all and were in fact both staring at their mobile (cell) phone screens instead of paying attention to what was going on around them. Yes. I'm going with that.

Now, you can be damn sure that the driver of this tram was tooting away on his horn right up until the collision and she still didn't notice.

These trams come with 2 horns. The first is a friendly-sounding, yet very loud 'toot' that warns you a tram is approaching, you can hear it from a good 300 yards away at least.

The second can only described as the "HEY!! DICKHEAD! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY, YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE FLATTENED BY A GIANT, YELLOW, TRAVELLING AT TWO MILES-AN-HOUR, METAL FUCKING GIANT TRAIN. FUCKING MOVE!!" horn.

If the Earth is about to be destroyed by a comet or some shit, then they will use this same noise to let us all know, since you can probably hear it from Mars. My point is, it's very loud.

AND SHE STILL GOT HIT BY A TRAM.

Dumb Arse.



Butts-McCracken & Other Dumbass Engaged Couples Names!

Best of Dumbass News

Marriage.....

For better or worse.

In sickness and in health.

My name sucks, so does yours.

But together they are poetry.


He'll Need That On the Honeymoon

Match Made in Heaven

Better Pissed Off Than Pissed On

Milwaukee's Best

More Like Looney Toons

Bad Joo Joo for the Honeymoon Night

Goin' Deep

As Long as They Ain't Dancin'

Sticky Situation

I Wonder If She'll Hyphenate Her Name?


Dumbasses.


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