Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: 2010 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Friday, December 31, 2010

It's 2011! Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, Dumbasses!

Toby, Head Dumbass

Dumbasses Refuse to Help Little Old lady

Lifesavers for Little Old Ladies
I am pissed off. Not your normal pissed off where you get a little agitated about something and after a few minutes things return to normal. I am talking PISSED OFF! Let me splain.

Heather, the girls and I went to the supermarket to pick up a few things. We got what we needed and went back to the car to split the scene. While we were loading the kids and groceries into the car, a lady using a cane as an aid to walk asked at least two men for help because her car wouldn't start. This lady was about 50 years old and, come to find out she was with her Mother who was 75 if she was a day. The car turned out to be the little old lady's. But , I digress. Neither of the men the lady with the cane asked for help hurriedly said, "Sorry, I can't help you." One of these dumbasses was driving a truck the size of New Jersey and I had a sneaky suspicion that he probably had some jumper cables somewhere inside that behemoth of a pick up. The other dumbass just kept going like nobody had even spoken to him. Fuckers.

Anyway, when the lady with the cane got turned down by the dumbass in the big truck, a look of semi-panic crossed her face. I said , "Ma'am. Let me load my kids up and I'll be glad to help". You'd would have thought that the nice lady had won the lottery the smile on her face was so big and the obvious sense of relief that somebody would help her and her Mother get their car started. I hooked up the jumper cables to both cars and BINGO!, their car started. Before they left, the older lady came over and gave me a bear hug. Well, as much a bear hug as a little old lady five foot-nothin' tall could give someone. You know, that was the best hug I'd had all day.

Now for the two dumbasses and all the dipshits like them, KISS MY ASS! Your Mothers would be ashamed that a son of theirs that would just dismiss an elderly lady's plea for help as just an inconvenience or what ever in God's name you were thinking. The next little old lady that needs a jump start may be your Mother or maybe your wife, God forbid. You'd just better hope that a better man than either of you two dumbasses is there to help them out. Come to think of it, your wife wouldn't be too proud to have married an asshole like you if she knew the way you treated the two ladies at the supermarket who needed help. Have a lousy fucking day you dickweeds. Your Mother must be so proud. Dumbasses.

England Has Entered the Age of Dumbassery

Alas, Poor England I knew it well...
Once upon a time, England was a great and powerful country. But that was once upon a time and the passage of time has not been good to the home of Winston Churchill, Sir Walter Raleigh and Monty Python. Not only has the British dance with socialism and political correctness turned the country into a burgeoning Third-World Hell Hole, some of the institutions of education there are going to shit as well. Some places that are supposed to teach reading, writing and arithmetic (we used to call them schools), are teaching 8,9 and 10 year olds what to do in the event of (multiple choice, pick the most correct answer): a) inclement weather, b) an attack by a crazed gunman, c) a national emergency or d) a UFO crash. The correct answer is "d", as in dumbass! I. Kid. You. Not. This article states that "In a typical drill, a UFO crash incident is created, and police arrive to show 8- to 10-year-old pupils how to handle such a scenario, which includes gathering "wreckage," and the students are encouraged to share and write about the experience." And you thought I was kiddin'. So, these kids are shown how to handle such a scenario, huh? I can tell you how most 8 - 10 year olds would handle such a scenario...they would run like someone put a rocket up their ass, screaming "MOMMY!!" like Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem. As far as "gathering wreckage", what the hell is wrong with these people?! Maybe I am mistaken, but if a UFO were to crash, wouldn't the local constabulary cordon off the immediate area and wait for the military to secure the crash site for further investigation? But the dumbasses in charge of this "exercise", want kids to pick up alien material, possibly TOXIC alien material, and exchange it like they would David Beckham bubble gum cards? Ho. Lee. Shit. And I don't mean the Chinese actor Ho Lee Shit. Then Step 3 of this exercise in dumbassery encourages children to "share and write about their experiences". Now isn't that sweet? Again, if I were eight and I had to write about this kind of thing, it would be brief and concise. My essay would read, "I saw the UFO crash and I shit my pants. Then I ran home like somebody put a rocket up my ass, screaming "MOMMY!!" The end". Dumbasses.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Lost Dumbass and the Cell Phone - Best of 2010

This was certainly in my Personal Top 3 Favorite Posts on Dumbass News. The dumbass in the story is a contender for Dumbass of the Year honors. get ready to laugh. You'll thank me later.

This device could save your life - unless you are a dumbass.

 If you were stranded on some deserted island after a boating mishap (cue Gilliagan's Island theme song), faced with a situation that could possibly end up with you being injured or even dead, what would you do? I don't about you, but I am trying like hell to get myself noticed. I might light a fire or use rocks to "print" a message on the beach or any number of other things that would send out a call for help to get my dumb white ass off the damned island! What of you were faced with the same predicament and you had a cell phone and a good enough signal to use it? Speaking solely for myself here, I am calling 911! That's just the way I roll.

There's this dumbass in California who faced the exact circumstances I outlined in scenario number two. This dipshit was the victim of a one man Gilligan's Island-type event. He was, like Gilligan and the rest of the castaways, stranded on a deserted island off the California coast. He was marooned when the inflatable raft he was in sprung a leak. He managed to get to the island safely before he was lost at sea. That's something that could happen to anybody, so you can't call the guy a dumbass just for that. However, this dumb fuck, unlike Gilligan and the gang, had a cell phone and access to a cell phone tower and he refused to use it! Why in the name of all that is Holy would he not used his damned cell phone??!! Wait. For. It. Because he was too embarrassed! I am not making this up. His name is Brian "Goat Man" Hopper. I ain't makin' that up either. Because Goat Man is a complete idiot and dumbass, he spent five days on this island living off of vitamins and plants native to the island. This brings up another important question. What kind of sub-moronic dumbass wakes up and says to himself, "Today I think I'll take my inflatable raft out on the Pacific Ocean for a little ride, but I dare not forget my vitamins!" Goat Man did not say, "I'd better take some water and maybe a sandwich in case something were to awry." He took his frakkin' Flintstones vitamins! I made up the part about the Flintstones vitamins. He prolly took his One-a-Day for Dumbasses instead.

On Day 5 of his "three hour tour", Goat Man got hungry enough to call his cousin who then notified the authorities. In a rare moment of lucidity after his rescue, Goat Man said, "I was embarrassed to be stranded on an island," Hopper said. "I thought I could fix my boat and make it to land ... I didn't want to spend the taxpayers' money to have the Coast Guard come rescue some stupid guy." Hammer meet head of nail. Goat Man also had this to say, Hopper said he now admits he should have called 911 in the first place. "It was the right thing to do," he said. Ya think?

Thank goodness, Goat Man is alive and well, but I have another question. What if Goat Man were stranded on that island with Jessica Alba and they thought they were doomed to die? Would he try to "get some"? Naaah. That ignorant bastard would say he was saving himself for marriage. Dumbass.

This device is useless in the hands of a dumbass

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Dumbass Shoots and Kills Wife During Sex

Not a Sex Aid
The story you are about to read is both dumbass and tragic. It provides a valuable, although horrific, lesson that even being a dumbass has its limits before you cross over into negligence and criminality. Sadly, the dumbass in our story today learned a lesson he'd rather not have been taught, I hope. here's what I mean by "I hope":

A 23 year old man and his wife, 50, were having sex when the woman was killed by a single gunshot wound to the head. WTF? you are asking. I've heard of people dieing of heart attacks during sex, but a fatal gunshot during the act? Not so much.

The 23 year old man told police that he and his wife often played a little game during sex in which he would put a handgun to her head while they did the deed. They were engaged in sex when he grabbed a gun off the nightstand not realizing that it was loaded and he put it to her head like he said he always did, when the gun accidently discharged, killing the woman. What a fucking dumbass. I won't go into gun safety here, because I would just be preaching to the choir. On top of that, the dumbass guy owned several other weapons and should have damn sure known better. Instead, a woman lays dead in cold storage in an Oklahoma morgue.

Not surprisingly, the cops believed this dumbass' story like I believe in the Tooth Fairy. He's being held on charges of first degree murder, soon to be in his own private little domicile on Death Row in an Oklahoma State Penitentiary, assuming of course that he found guilty by a jury of his peers, many of whom will be responsible gun owners who look down on such reckless behavior while in possession of a firearm.

Even if this dumbass gets life in prison, he'll almost certainly become a prison bitch to Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams. And Leon hates people who are such dumbasses with a weapon, but Leon loves to show his new bitches his "howitzer". Enjoy it, dumbass. I know Leon will.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Dumbass NYC Employees "Clean Up" After Blizzard (Language Warning)

Sometimes it's best just to sit back and watch. I got nuthin'.

Drunk Eye-talians Throwing Christmas Trees Edition of Dumbass News

Do Not Throw
I have read some nice stories about people all over the country having such a wonderful Christmas with their families. Include my family on that list. The Terrero family in West Hartford, Connecticut had a very memorable Christmas, especially 19 year old Francheska. It was a typical Christmas Eve at the Terrero house until Francheska got into the Christmas "spirits".

The story doesn't say what prompted Francheska's outburst, other than the fact that she was bombed, but she must have been in holiday frame of mind because she picked up the family Christmas tree and threw it at her parents! Assuming that 'Terrero" is an Eye-talian name, I thought throwing Christmas trees at one's parents might be some sort of weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition. So, being a Professional Internet Blogging Sensation and 10th Degree Black Belt in Google Fu, I went to the best source of Weird Eye-talian Christmas Traditions that I could find. My wife, who is Eye-talian. When I asked her about Christmas Tree Throwing as an Eye-talian tradition, she says to me, "Are you drunk?". I took that as a "no".

Anyway, Francheska got smashed on Christmas Eve and threw a fully decorated Christmas tree, which is not a weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition, at her Mom and Dad. Mom called 911 and reported a 10-86, which in Police 10-code terminology means "drunk daughter throws a fully decorated Christmas tree, which is not a weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition, at her parents. As Mom was on the phone with the cops, Frankie yanked the phone out her hand and threw that too at her father! I know for a fact that phone throwing on Christmas Eve is not a weird Eye-talian tradition, but it is a weird Christmas tradition for drunk Hungarians. But I digress.

So the heat (cops) show up at the Terrero home and notice that Francheska is FUBAR'ed and that the Christmas tree had been "relocated" and it was surrounded by some shattered ornaments. The police then explain to Francheska that even though Christmas tree throwing is not a weird Eye-talian tradition, it is against the law, especially if you throw the tree at another person. Frankie was charged with disorderly conduct, assault and interfering with a 911 call, not to mention throwing fully decorated Christmas trees at your parents while shit faced without a permit. OK, I made that last charge up.

Francheska was hauled off to jail, Mom and Dad were treated for minor injuries and the Christmas tree suffers from PTSD, so all things considered, everything turned out for the best and we can all be thankful that it wasn't Thanksgiving and Francheska got hammered and threw a bowl of giblets at her parents. Or is that a weird Eye-talian Thanksgiving Tradition that I am unaware of ? I'll have to ask my Eye-talian wife about that one. Hopefully, she won't notice that I'm drunk.  :)

(hat tip to Heather)

Monday, December 27, 2010

Dumbass Pays $50,000 to NOT Rid House of Bees!

Mario should have called this guy
Since Christmas is over and things have returned to almost normal, we here at Dumbass News have returned to being our normal dumbass selves, searching the internet for stories only a true dumbass could make possible. And we are never disappointed.

Take this dumbass in Lake Worth, Florida, for example. His name is Mario. Our man Mario had a bee problem at his home in Lake Worth. Mario, being the dumbass and cheap bastard that he is, just knew he could rid his home of these pesky bees. Instead, Mario rid the pesky bees of his house! Who'd a thunk that? Let me splain.

Mario had this bee problem at his house and instead of calling in a professional bee guy to take care of the situation, Mario decided only a dumbass could not get the problem solved. So, Mario creates his own dumbass version of a bee guy's smoke thingy and goes after the bees which were in a supporting column on a second story balcony. Things were going swimmingly. Then the fire started. And it kept burning. And burning. And burning, until there was over 50 thousand dollars worth of damage to his home! But because Mario is a dumbass, the Fickle Finger of Fate (thanks, Laugh In) pointed squarely at him. Not only did Mario El Dumbass-o do 50G's worth of damage to his house, the ensuing fire did not rid the house of the bees! I don't care who you are, except for Mario and perhaps Mrs. Mario, that right there is too damn funny. I just pray that Mario had his Dumbass Insurance paid up.

This incident brings to mind what would Mario have done if he had had mice instead of bees? He would have probably bought a a lion. Dumbass.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Dumbasses Are On Hold for a Blizzard!

Tonight Tomorrow Tomorrow Night
Blizzard Blizzard Snow / Wind Early
Mostly Cloudy Blizzard Blizzard Snow / Wind Early
18°F 23° 27° 10°
Feels Like: Low High

I am putting Dumbass News on hold for today because the area in which I live is under a Blizzard Warning. Click on over to my "home blog" to keep track of what's going on as it happens!


Friday, December 24, 2010

Another Dumbass Named Earl - Indiana Chapter of Dumbasses Named Earl

Usually when we do a story like the one you are a bout to read, the Dumbass of the Story is easy to spot. However, today we are tasked with picking our Dumbass from a group of Dumbass wannabes! So, gather the family around whatever it is you gather your family around,  read the story and make a group decision! Take a vote and those who correctly guess who the Dumbass is will get a treat, such as an ice cream cone! Those who name the wrong person as the Dumbass of the Story will become Honorary Dumbasses themselves! It's a win-win situation! Here's today's Dumbass Story:
  • Earl Devine of Lafayette, Indiana recently decided that he needed some money. So, instead of getting a job and earning some cash flow the old fashion way, Earl chose to take another path. He printed his own money! Counterfeiting is certainly a step in the right direction of becoming a dumbass, but our friend Earl went above and beyond the call of Dumbass Duty when he printed some fake $100 bills with Abraham Lincoln's face on them! I am certainly no expert on everything that is on a $100 bill, but I do know that Honest Abe ain't supposed to be on one. Ratcheting up the dumbass to new levels, Earl went on a spending spree with the fake bills (here's where our 2nd Dumbass of the Day nominee comes in)  and fooled several merchants in town! Now this turn of events begs a question: What.The.Fuck?! I can only surmise that these "merchants" were products of the Lafayette Public School System. I can also surmise that the Lafayette Public Schools are run by dumbasses. I'm sure that, as we speak, the Superintendent of Lafayette schools is on the phone with the federal Department of Education pleading for more of our tax dollars to pay dumbass teachers more money to "educate" and graduate more dumbasses like these "merchants". Good work if you can find it, I guess. Earl's life of crime came to an abrupt halt when a bartender(!), who is probably not a former student of Lafayette schools, realized he had been paid with a phony $100 bill. He called the cops and soon thereafter Earl became a guest of the Lafayette Criminal Justice System. This story gets.even.better. When asked about the funny money by the local bird cage liner, "Detectives called the bills “excellent fakes” in spite of other errors, such as red and blue dots that suggested the bill was printed from an inkjet printer". It's now painfully clear to me that at least one detective is, like Earl and several local "merchants", a product of Lafayette schools. I just can't, and won't, label the entirety of the LPD as dumbasses, but one of their detectives is the third nominee for the coveted Dumbass of the Day Award. In fairness to the local "merchants" I mentioned above, several other businesses in town and neighboring West Lafayette also received fake cash from Earl, so what the hell, they are potential dumbasses, too.  
Here's my take: The whole damn town of Lafayette, Indiana is loaded with dumbasses. Having said that, I guess I won't be getting a "Welcome to Lafayette" package from the Greater Lafayette Chamaber of Commerce should I ever decide to move there. I'll scratch Lafayette, Indiana off my "Where to Retire List". Getting back to our story, the detective who made the "excellent fakes" comment about the $100 bills with Abe Lincoln on them, is not our Dumbass of the Day. This guy's job is tough enough without being tagged a dumbass, a moron maybe, but not a dumbass. As for the educators in the Lafayette School District, they are probably members of some teachers' union, so they can't be blamed for Earl's level of dumbassery, they just do whatever the Union tells them to do. Being members of a  teachers' union is approaching Dumbassville, but the teachers, like the fuzz, have a thankless job and at least they are consistently churning out quality dumbasses like Earl. The process of elimination leaves us with no other choice, as if there was another choice, but to crown Earl as today's Dumbass of the Day! Earl, you can pick up your award in 10-15 years. In regards to the apparent Dumbass Epidemic in Lafayette, Indiana, I have a brilliant solution. Make it a mandatory part of certifying teachers and law enforcement personnel, that they go to bartending school before being accredited by the State of Indiana as a public servant. It seems that the bartender that busted Earl is the only one that knows that Lincoln is not on a $100 bill. Everyone knows he's on the fifty.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Survey: Sluts, I Mean Mistresses Get Better Christmas Gifts Than Wives

Forsaking all others....Except sluts
Naughty Words Alert!  The Internet is a wonderful thing, most of the time. With a few keystrokes, you can look up medical advice, get directions to just about anywhere, read brilliant commentary like you do on this very site (OK, not so much) and set up an extramarital rendezvous. I. Kid.You. Not. You can even find someone to cheat on your spouse with! I am not talking about finding someone in a chat room or party site, I am talking about a site whose sole purpose is specifically to line you up with a paramour! If you think I'm kidding, click this link. Notice their motto? "Life is short. Have an affair". How about a motto like "You put your gazebos on the chopping block, we give your wife the ginsu knife?" I have a few sites where I find stoopid shit like this to put up on this blog, and as a professional Dumbass News researcher, I can assure you that websites like the one at the link above are not uncommon, sadly, and there's always some dumbass looking to make a buck off the marital discord of some other dumbass. 

I point out the aforementioned site because I found an article that stated that mistresses of married men receive better Christmas presents than their wives! What the hell??!! These dumbass married fuckers buy their sluts girlfriends jewelry, lingerie and trips to the day spa. Those pesky women these assholes married for better or worse, sickness and health and all that, get perfume, bath and body products and the always-romantic gift card. This vital information comes from a survey conducted by the web site at the link above. All told, according to Whores R Us (I just made that part up), men spend twice as much money on their concubines than on their wives. From the article in question, the web site "says it has been keeping an eye on this aspect of holiday gift-buying for five years, says it got 143,717 responses this year, up from 28,994 in 2006.

And with the United States going through some tough economic times, the survey found men are showing financial restraint -- spending 22 percent less on their wives compared with 2006, while putting a freeze on their extramarital spending."
Let me get this straight. Wives - the mother of the douchebag's children, his partner-for-life gets a 22% cut in Christmas gift value and the gold digging hookers of these same men still get the usual pay-for-pussy rates. Sounds like the Liberals' economic voodoo, pay the shiftless and punish the "producers". But, I digress.

On that happy note, I hope Santa delivers ginsu knives to all the betrayed wives along with a "How To De-Gazebo a Philandering Asswipe" instruction manual and a nice bout with genital herpes to the sleazy bitches that screw those dickweeds. Fucking dumbasses.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Beer, Bongs and Hookers!

College Director of Stress Relief and Hookers
Have you ever wondered how a place as beautiful as California could be inhabited by so many dumbasses? There are certain parts of the state, I'm looking at you, Bay Area, that are as infested with dumbasses as Congress is with crooks. That's saying something. I could link you to some stories from California that would curl your toenails. Then again, curled toenails are probably a fashion statement in California. But, I digress.

The state is in the economic crapper with no relief in sight and the dumbasses just elected Jerry Brown, Governor Moonbeam, to be their Governor again! Get your popcorn ready, this is gonna be good. Institutions of Higher Learning in California are turning out a bunch Socialist indoctrinated pussies to be the leaders of the future. Those poor people are doomed! The light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a freight train traveling at 100mph straight at them. It ain't gonna be pretty when it hits.

Back to the colleges turning out a bunch of pansies. You're gonna love this. This time of year at universities all across the country means term papers and final exams. This is a very stressful time for millions of college students. Leave it to a college in California to come up with a method of ridding these overwrought young people of all that stress. The solution? Petting zoos! I. Shit. You. Not.

Here's a piece of that story verbatim: "At the Claremont University Consortium in Southern California, as classes ended for the semester and a finals study period began, two fenced pens were set up on a campus lawn with bunnies in one and puppies in the other.

About 300 students took turns climbing into the pens and playing with the animals at the student-organized event.

Freshman Adam Griffith said he'd had only 7 hours of sleep over three days, finishing four papers for classes, and was glad of the chance to romp with the dogs.

"Stuff like this is a really, really good idea, especially since it doesn't take too much time," Griffith, 18, said. "I appreciate seeing that from the faculty and staff, acknowledging that we are under stress." 

When I read that dumbass pablum, I wanted tro cxut out my eyeballs with a paring knife. Bunnies and puppies? Are you fucking kidding me? This is a great idea for students....students in the First grade! No wonder the Golden State is all FUBAR'ed. If you want to "de-stress" a college kid, give him sex or booze! That's what college kids wants, you dumbasses! I am serious. Have a campus wide kegger with FREE BEER and order up a mess of non-union hookers and let nature take its course. This would also be a good way to get rid of all those free condoms you dipshits have stored in the Campus Clinic. Having said that, I am sure that some of the students would get bombed and start to "like" the bunnies and puppies, but that's another story for another day. Make this event BYOB - Bring Your Own Bong - and you've got a stress reliever of Soddam and Gammora proportions. Throw in a few Cheetos stands, sell pizza by the slice and you have generated more income in a few days as many third world countries, like New Jersey, do in a year. Do I have to tell you dumbasses everything? By the way, this would make a great time for Parents' Day on Campus also. Just sayin'.

I offer this advice free of charge this time, but if I have to remind you of it again, my consulting fee starts in six figures. But, just this once, I am waiving it, so your stressed out students can get drunk, stoned and laid. That's just how I roll. Dumbasses.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Christmas Worries? You Could Be Leon

As we enter the home stretch for Christmas and the insanity only intensifies, I thought it would be a good time to bring you some news that will undoubtedly brighten your day. Better still, if you get down in the mouth or bored at the job, you can always return to this page, read this story once (or twice) more and, like magic, you will be uplifted all over again! Let's shake off that Christmas anxiety with this item guaranteed to bring a smile to your otherwise I-look-like-I-just-found-out-that-my-wife-threw-away-a-winning-SuperLotto-ticket-worth-$60-million face. Onward and upward we go. :

  • Our inspirational tale comes to us from Waco. For those of you who are not familiar with Waco, it is a very conservative town. Waco is home to Baylor University, the oldest university in Texas, and Baylor is a Baptist college, i.e., Waco is a very conservative city. Knowing this is true, to me at least, means that if you ever have to go through the criminal justice system, chances are that the jury of your peers hearing your case would be made up of very conservative (read: law and order types) people. To not realize this fact, you would have to be a dumbass. Leon Willis Wilkerson, 55, is a dumbass of the highest order. I mean this guy was beat with the Dumbass Stick. A lot. Here's why : Leon has been through courts in McClennan County before - to the tune of twelve(!) misdemeanors and eight felonies! But, wait! There's more! Our new friend Leon is a smoker. He was jonesing for a butt so bad, he stole a carton of cigarettes from a local store in Waco and got busted. This time, Leon's journey through the legal system ended quite badly for him. Ol' Leon ran into a jury of nice, conservative Baptists and those 12 people were nice enough to slap Mr. Wilkerson with 99 years in prison! For a carton of smokes! How dare they! Oh, wait. There were those eight other pesky felonies and twelve misdemeanors Leon had racked up. Being the nice, conservative Baptist people that they are, they determined Leon to be a habitual criminal - hence 99 years in the slammer. That's 9.9 years per pack of Newports there, Leon.  I have a sneaky feeling that Leon will be smoking in prison, but it won't be Newports, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Dumbass.
This little anecdote should be your inspiration to have a great pre-Christmas Tuesday. Your boss may suck, you may be extremely tired or you could be suffering from allergies or something, but things could be worse. You could be Leon. And Leon is a dumbass.

(hat tip to KDFW-TV, Dallas) 

Monday, December 20, 2010

A Fried Chicken Felony

Today's venture into Dumbass Land is one for the books. This story is up there with the best of them, including the drunk lady who attacked a cop with a sex toy and the nekkid mail guy from yesterday. Unlike those two dumbasses who acted alone in their dumbassery, today's Dumbass News feature involves a whole family! After all, it is the holiday season when families should be spending time together and doing all sorts of family activities, right?

Suspect in Skull Cracking
A dumbass family in Akron, Ohio, like millions of families around the country were getting together to celebrate the birth of our Lord. That's when the Ghost of Dumbass Present came a knockin'. Two brothers and their mother were enjoying a little fried yardbird when all Hell broke loose. Brother #1 accused Brother #2 of taking a bite from a piece of chicken and throwing it back on the plate. This is unacceptable behavior, except in Kentucky where this is called "sharing". Well, Brother #2 took offense at the suggestion that he would do something so rude and unsanitary, after all Akron is a few hundred miles north of Kentucky. At this point, like a true gentleman, Brother #1 invited Brother #2 outside for a good old country ass kickin' a friendly discussion of what had transpired. Brother #2 agreed and outside they went. Once outside, a lively discourse took place then Brother #2 excused himself from the debate in order to retrieve a crowbar. He then proceeded to pound Brother #1 about the head, shoulders and the upper extermities of his body. In other words, Dumbass #2 cracked open Dumbass #1's skull with the crow bar. Dumbass #1 then bled a lot, Brother #2 split before the law could get there and Mom admitted to being the unrefined wench who took a bite of the piece of chicken and putting it back on the plate! A dumbass family trifecta! Maybe Akron is closer to Kentucky than I thought. But I digress.

Brother #1 was taken to the hospital and after bleeding a lot then getting patched up, was free to go home with Mom and review the events of the day. It was determined that Brother #2 was not only a dumbass, but a felon as well, Brother #1 is a pussy who let his little brother crack open his skull like a baker cracks open an egg and Mom is a dumbass for putting a used chicken leg back on the plate and keeping her mouth shut while felonies were being committed in her front yard.

Thus ends our tale of a happy family in Akron, Kentucky Ohio. Dumbasses.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Moooovin' Up In Minnesota

Dumbass Jail Bait
I don't make a practice of naming young people (teens) as Dumbass of the Day, but these two teen agers in Minnesota have earned the right to be named as such. You'll see why.

It's winter time in much of the northern half of the country and with the requisite snow that comes with it, folks can get mighty bored. You know the old saying, idle hands are the devil's workshop. The Upper Midwest was blasted by a blizzard a few days ago and two teens in Stearns County, Minnesota got real bored real quick. These two young dumbasses didn't just sit around moping and bitchin' and moanin', no siree, Bob, these two young dipshits spent their idle time creating a business plan, and you gotta give them credit for being creative. Criminally creative, but creative nonetheless. Our junior dumbasses wanted to start their own farm and dairy business, a noble goal if gone about it in the right way. Therein lies the catch.

Eager to get a head start on their operations, our two young dumbasses went out and got seventeen calves...from other people's barns! I don't no how they rectify cattle theft in Minnesota, but in Texas these two stoopid fucks would have been dealt with quickly and severely. Just for the record, one of these idiots is 19, so he's a Prison Bitch in Waiting as we speak. The other kid is 16, so his Prison Bitchness is yet to be determined. Here's a piece of advice for the 19 year old dumbass, practice squealing like a pig. Audio-visual aids can be found in a movie called Deliverance. I'm sure Netflix has it for rental.

However, it looks like the closest our young dumbasses will come to a dairy farm is when they have "close encounters" with Leon "Hung Like a Bull" Williams at the Minnesota State Penetentiary. Have fun, boys! And say howdy to Leon for us. Dumbasses.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Texting Dope Deals: New Dumbasses Are the Same as Old Dumbasses

Dial a Dumbass for a Dope Deal!
I have a personal interest in today's dumbass story. Why? Because the same damn thing happened to me almost a year ago. It involves cell phones and texting, both of which are flies in the soup of life. You've surely heard the old saying that Ruth is stranger than friction. Oh, wait! That's a line from Green Acres! my bad. The saying is 'truth is stranger than fiction". It is, too.

Here's the deal: Early this year, I got Heather and me new cell phones at Radio Shack. We had them only a few days, when I started getting texts messages from some kind of cell phone chat line, U-Haul and someone else. These texts were not meant for me as they were all addressed to a dumbass named Shawn. I was "lucky" enough to get Shawn's old cell phone number. Shawn the dumbass was evidently in arrears on his U-Haul storage unit and he liked to participate on this chat line thing. I'm fairly certain that I am not the only one this has happened to when getting a new cell phone. It's just that the places the texts come from will be different. But, there was one text that stood head and shoulders above the rest.

I don't remember the exact texting lingo that was used, but it, in essence, said, 'Come on over. I have the dope and it's some good shit. And we've got lots of it." I thought to myself that having this text on my cell phone record might not be a very good thing. Long story short, I called the cops they were very familiar with Shawn, so they took all the info they needed and left. To this day, I have heard nothing else about this incident. But, I'd be willing to bet that Shawn is not a happy dumbass at this moment.

I bored you with the story above because another dumbass has repeated what the dumbass dope dealer did to me. Except the new dumbass texted that he had some hashish for sale. The text ended up on the cell phone of a 10 year old boy! Not just any ordinary 10 year old boy either. This 10 year old boy was the grandson of a State Trooper! The dumbass dope dealer looks to be in a heap of trouble. And it was just a matter of time before he got busted. The cops contacted the dumbass drug dealer and arranged to buy some hash from him at a certain time and a certain place. Dumbass showed up for the deal, but no buyers did, so the dumbass went home, the cops followed him and the rest is Prison Bitch History. No matter how many times I see stories like this, just when you think this is the last time I'll see this kind of stupid shit, here comes another member of the Prison Bitch To Be Gene Pool to amaze me yet again. Dumbass.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Another Dumbass Gets McArrested

Please forgive us, Elaine!
Is it just me or is McDonalds in the news an awful lot lately? Almost every day while I am searching for some Dumbass News, I come across some story about some dumbass either suing McD's or some dumbass whose order wasn't to their liking so they go ballistic in the restaurant itself. Today's dumbass is a member of the latter group, someone who goes bat shit crazy because their order wasn't made to their satisfaction.

Elaine Emter of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada is now serving 18 months probation and doing 40 hours of community service after she was found guilty of causing a disturbance and resisting arrest for an incident that took place at, you guessed it(!), McDonalds! Elaine was also found guilty of being a dumbass. After reading the article about this, I'm not so sure the employees at McDonalds shouldn't be labeled as dumbasses too.

Here's the deal: Elaine went through the Drive Thru at McDonalds and ordered a hot fudge sundae. After taking a look at the sundae, Elaine the Drive Thru Dumbass decided that there wasn't enough hot fudge on it and she demanded satisfaction. The McDonalds employee at the Drive Thru demanded a receipt. Unfortunately for Elaine, she misplaced her receipt. The McD's employee told Elaine, no receipt, no more hot fudge. Elaine was not pleased, so she got pissed off and created a scene. The cops were called and when they arrived, Elaine got in their faces and was screaming at them. Elaine, this is a bad thing to do and it removes all doubt that you are a dumbass. It's at this point, however, that I have a problem with the faithful McDonalds employee. As long as Elaine brought back a hot fudge sundae that resembled a recently served hot fudge sundae, why not just give her another squirt or two of hot fudge to make her happy? Now we have two dumbasses in this story. Elaine and the dumb fuck McDonalds employee for being an asshole.

There is more to our little tale. According to the prosecutor in this case, "said Emter tried to drive away, but was stopped and informed she was being charged with causing a disturbance. However, the woman refused to get out of her car and one of the officers had to place her in a choke hold so she could be handcuffed. Marr said Emter then bit one of the officers and they twice used a stun gun on her head to subdue her." Elaine, Elaine, Elaine. I was on your side up to this point, but you blew it with the choke hold thing, the biting a cop thing and the stun gun deal. Elaine, you are a major league dumbass and you're lucky all you got was probation out of this episode. You could have ended up as a "friend" to a chick named Spike while doing time at your local provincial prison.

This whole thing makes me wonder what the hell Elaine would have done if her messed up order included a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese? Dumbass.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

BREAKING Dumbass News! Live Dumbass Alert Issued!

This is a first for Dumbass News! A Live Dumbass Alert is being issued for South Central Maine. This Dumbass Alert  includes the Greater Augusta Area.We normally go online to look up all the Dumbass News that you read here, the news that so-called "news organizations" are too pussyfied to bring to you. However, a short time ago, a Dumbass News-worthy event took place about 50 yards from my front door. Here's my exclusive report:

I got a call from a neighbor, who lives just across the way from us, on the Dumbass News Hotline about a breaking Dumbass News story. My neighbor, Tracie who shall remain nameless was the first dumbass on the scene, as this event took place about 25 feet from her back porch. Tracie My neighbor, despite being a dumbass, had the presence of mind to call me, The Head Dumbass at Dumbass News, with the first details from the scene of the dumbassery. I'd paraphrase what Tracie my neighbor had to say, but she's a dumbass with a speech impediment and this is all I could make out, "oaocjappewf c nj/ACnv';" I'm a little rusty when it comes to Dumbass, Spanish I know, Dumbass, I am learning, and this what I could gather: "Some stupid fuck dumbass just came around the "S" turn by the pre-school on an icy and snowy road, and bought it in the culvert behind my apartment".

Looking Out Tracie's My Neighbors Back Door
Sure enough, I went over to the scene of the dumbassery and there was a small gold car perched on the rock lining of the culvert, about two feet from being in a few feet of water. Since I am a Professional Dumbass, I took my camera with me to capture this dumbass moment in a photo to be used as an example of how NOT to drive on snowpacked roads. If you look at the driver's side front door closely, in the photo above,you'll see the reflection of a light. In the photo below, you'll see that that reflection is coming from the cruiser of one of Augusta's Finest. What you can't see is the dumbass who pulled this little stunt is a passenger in the back seat of the squad car. bwahahahahahaahahahahaha

Thankfully, nobody was hurt in this accident and the dumbass driver will have a nice Christmas story to tell his dumbass grand kids some day. But the most important thing the dumbass can cherish and brag about until the day he dies, is that he was once the Dumbass of the Day!
Missed it by that much!
(dumbass hat tip to Tracie my nameless neighbor)

God Has a Great Sense of Humor

A little over a week ago, I wrote about a story similar on one of my other blogs, Because Toby Said So. It reaffirms my Faith in God every time I see a story where the dumbass gets pranked by the Almighty. Especially during the Christmas season.

Elyria, Ohio is a nice city in the northeastern part of the state. Elyria is home to 55,000 good people and a few dumbasses who just can't leave well enough alone. For instance, Noel and Pam Cash went to break bread with some friends after church one Sunday. They finished their luncheon fellowship and they all headed for their cars for the trip home. Well...Noel and Pam got to their SUV and lo and behold! the rear window had been smashed out and some of their stuff was taken. Enter God. Bypassing the GPS and Pam's purse, the dumbass took some shopping bags from the back of the SUV. Guess what was in the shopping bags? Wait. For. It. Bibles, Sunday School lessons and material used for Holy Communion! God - 1 Dumbass - 0 bwahahahahahahaha  When the ole Heavenly Father gives you the Bronx Cheer from on high, it's time to take notice of your misdeeds, repent them and perhaps have a nice sinner to Creator of the Universe talk with Him.

Merry Christmas. Dumbass.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Dumbasses Still Label Ethnic Groups, Dumbassery Ensues

I read an article today that took all of five words to actually make me stop reading and check the calendar to see what year and century we are actually living in. Sure enough, the calendar read December 14, 2010, although some people, meaning Liberals, would have you believe otherwise. According to these dumbasses, we are still living in the South in 1930.  (I'll post another piece some day on the treatment Liberals and Yankees give the South. Let me tell you right now, it won't be pretty) I am gonna copy and paste the first two lines of the offending article on AOL news written by some dumb fuck from the Associated Press.

First, the headline. "Black segregation in US drops to lowest in century". I ain't makin' this shit up. Being the skeptic I am, two Dallas-sized red flags came up immediately. One red flag is "Associated Press", a group who long ago gave up any pretense of being an impartial news organization. The other red flag is the headline. You'll have to take my word on this, but I have read no further into the article than that. However, I glanced at it looking for an author's name and I did notice the words "Hispanic", "West" and "South". What it says after that, I have no idea. I instinctively know that the South will be portrayed in a less than complimentary manner and that white guys are to blame. Those may not be the exact words of the story, but I'll bet you a nickel that those points will be made in some "code" words. I am now gonna read the entire piece and I'll get right back to you.

I didn't make it to the end of the story, I just got in a couple of paragraphs before I read on. According the dumbass author of this shit, the numbers used in the writing of the AP story come from the US Census Bureau. Fair enough. The Census Bureau is a great place to get such information. The following paragraph quotes some dumbass from the Brookings Institute, which is not exactly a hot bed of Conservative thinkers. Oh, hell, I'll just say it! It's Liberal Septic Think tank. Here's what the dumbass from the Brookings Institute had to say, "It's taken a Civil Rights movement and several generations to yield noticeable segregation declines for blacks," said William H. Frey, a demographer at the Brookings Institution who reviewed the census data. "But the still-high levels of black segregation in some areas, coupled with uneven clustering patterns for Hispanics, suggest that the idea of a post-racial America has a way to go." What. The. Fuck? Here are my thoughts on this matter. First, to Mr. Frey, fuck you, asshole! Moving on, I am from Texas. In Texas, I have personally seen black men dating or married to WHITE women! In Texas! We must have run out of hanging trees or I didn't get my KKK membership invitation. Asswipe. One of my best friends back home is a NEGRO! Or is it black man? Or African American? One of my sisiters married a black guy.  My family accepted him as a member of our family, not as some hyphenated tool of a bunch of dumbasses who wanted him to be hyphenated. You tell me? Who are the bigots? My family who accepted this man into our family or Liberals who see a hyphenated man who is the victim of white racists? See what I mean?

I'll tell you what, the Liberals have given people of African descent so damn many race-identifying names, that I don't know which one to use. That's how these dumbass dickweeds (Liberals, not Negroes) operate. Instead of everybody being Americans, Liberals assign some dumbass name with a hyphen on each ethnic group, (except white guys, we are still called white guys but much more derision than in the past) in order to keep folks of different skin colors feeling as if one group might contract some disease by simply being near the other group. They pigeon hole people as this or that effectively dividing us into imaginary groups, instead of trying to unite us as one people - Americans.

I'm going to rebut every single minute point in the article. That would take all night. The main gist of the thing is that whites, blacks and Hispanics tend to live in an area where their neighbors look like them. That's a shocker, ain't it?  We have about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. Knowing that, let me ask you this. If you were to enter the US and had no working knowledge of the language, little idea of how our society operates from day to day and you don't have documents that show you to be here legally, where would you move to? YES! You'd move to a place where people looked like you and spoke your native language. These people have little choice in the matter. As for citizens of this country, millions of neighborhoods in all sections of the US are populated with persons of all backgrounds and ethnicity. Just take a ride around your town and find out for yourself. Everybody in the United States of America has an equal shot at success and a comfortable lifestyle and brighter future for their kids. I'm not saying that bigotry doesn't exist, it clearly does, but it's nowhere near as widespread as Liberals and other leftist dumbasses would have you believe. I'm saying that if someone has the strength of character and the will to succeed, anyone can do it, despite the roadblocks laid out in front of them. It may be a bumpy ride along the way, but like my Mama said, "sometimes life is that way". That's what's known as the Promise of America. And the Promise of America is blind to skin color.

Not until people like the dumbass that wrote the article for the AP and race baiters like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton finally fade off into the sunset or by some miracle, see the error in their dumbass ways, will this country ever see the end of bigotry. Dumbasses.

If you want to, you can read this bullshit in its totality here. If you've eaten recently, let your food digest if you don't want to taste it twice. Just sayin'.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Splodin' Gnocchi Threat Alert!!!

Protect Your Gnocchi at All Costs
I like to cook. I really do. I am not a trained chef or anything like that, I just kinda cook "by ear" as it were. And believe me, my ears get hot! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all week! This blog is called Dumbass News, not Readers Digest, what do you expect? Robin Williams? But I digress. Anyway, I like to cook. I have no formal training, other than being a bachelor for so many years before I met Heather. I'm the type of cook who checks out the cupboards to see what I have on hand and start bouncing ideas around in my head. What I cook may be somewhat "non-traditional", but the vast majority of the time , it turns out good. I must admit, though, that if I ever got a show on Food Network, it would be named something like Cooking Your Way to a Heart Attack or some such. My last meal, given a choice, would be a big ass T-bone, medium rare, baked potato with sour cream, a tub of butter (real butter) chives, real bacon bits and cheese plus a couple of big, fat, juicy ears of sweet corn with a side of a gallon of butter. That would be my last meal. That or a Triple Baconator and large fries from Wendy's along with a chocolate shake.

I bring all this cooking stuff up today because I saw a video earlier this morning with some wimpy little dumbass making gnocchi. The dumbass is such a frakkin sissy because the oil he was cooking the gnocchi in got too hot and popped around like oil that's too hot does, especially when you deep fried something! What a fookin' pansy. Despite the fact that the dumbass cooking the gnocchi is a dipshit, I must admit that about half way through the video (it's a little less than 3 minutes long), Pansy Boy goes ape shit (in a funny way) when the gnocchi transform into an IED. I hope no bad guys watch this video. The security of this country could be in grave danger if they do. I'd hate to have to kill a man for carrying a loaded gnocchi, but I'll do whatever it takes to protect my family from the evil bastards. On the other hand, the dumbasses are doing me a favor by trying kill me and my family with exploding gnocchi. I won't have to call for pizza delivery.

Watch the video and take notes on how you can best protect your loved ones in case of an exploding gnocchi attack. And remember this: when gnocchi are outlawed, only outlaws will have gnocchi. One more thought-provoking  moral to the Dumbass with the splodin' gnocchi - they can have my gnocchi when they pry it from my cold, dead hands. Dumbasses.


Sunday, December 12, 2010

Here's a Dumbass Triple Header!!

Fire, McDumbasses and Olberdouche
It's my wife's birthday today!!! I am looking forward to making it special for her. I also look forward to making this post special for you. In doing that, I have looked back in time at the blog archives, and have picked out some doozies for your edification. You are sure to feel better after reading about the dumbasses whose lives make yours look like Leave It To Beaver.

That said, here we go.........

  • Olberdouche - Keith Olbermann gets his. Twice! Once from me and a follow up thrashing that will make you smile. 
  • McDumbasses in San Francisco - Another dumbass move in a neverending series of dumbass moves to come from this Liberal infested commune. Dumbasses.
You'll like the posts that I linked to today and I'll enjoy the day with my wife as we celebrate her birthday. Have a good one and we'll see you soon!! Adios.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

From Burglar to Bitch - The Story of Robert

Former Dumbass Burgler, Now a Dumbass Prison Bitch
Persistence overcomes resistance, but persistence does not overcome dumbass. And the story of today's dumbass further proves that the dumbass is a mighty powerful force in those who are eat up with it.

For the tale of our Dumbass of the Day, we travel to Bolingbrook, Illinois, where we meet up with Robert Osewski, thief on probation and about as useful as tits on a boar hog. You see...on May 28, 2009, Robert the Thieving Dumbass broke into a local residence and stole a bunch of stuff and by stuff I mean a Wii, Xbox, jewelry, stocks and bonds and fifty bucks in changewith his loot totaling over $20 Large, $20,000. Robert was later arrested, tried, convicted and placed on probation. Probation? For stealing $20,000 worth of stuff? The judge in this case has proven beyond the shadow of a doubt (a little legal lingo there) that he is a dumbass in robes and doesn't deserve to sit on the bench for which he was entrusted. But I digress. 

Back to Robert the Thieving Dumbass. Robert is on probation now and he decides to pull off another burglary. That, in and of itself, is a dumbass thing to do, but our man Robert does the Daily Double of Dumbassery. The burglary he has planned is for....wait... for.... it....the same house that he robbed before! It takes a special kind of dumbass to do what Robert is about to do. When I say "special kind of dumbass", I don't mean exemplary, I mean dumb as a box of hammers. Robert failed to see the stupidity of his idea, so he went right ahead and busted in and stole from the same house he had hit a while back. That's pretty damn stoopid right there, but Robert went above and beyond the call of dumbassery. He brought along a helper, sort of an Apprentice Dumbass, to help him out. Another dumbass move. Oh, but it gets better still! Robert and his Apprentice Dumbass broke into the same house that Robert robbed before, mind you, and stole the same stuff he had stolen before! Does this man's dumbass know no limit? 

The Bolingbrook Cops, not dumbasses at all, quickly saw the link between this burglary and the one Robert was convicted of in 2009. Robert the Thieving Dumbass and his Apprentice Dumbass were arrested and immediately placed in the custody of the Bolingbrook House For the Criminally Dumbass. OK, I made that part up, but the two dumbasses were arrested and taken to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200. 

I'm sure it won't be long until Robert the Thieving Dumbass becomes Robert the Prison Bitch Dumbass and his partner in crime will be an Apprentice Prison Bitch to a loving inmate partner. Frakkin' dumbasses.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Requiem For a Dumbass

                                                  Dumbass of the Day

Robin Hood of Dumbass Forest
According to legend, Robin Hood of Sherwood Forest, was trying to rectify the disparity of economic circumstances  by taking from the rich and giving to the poor. Where I come from, he's a thief and that needs to be rectified by throwing his ass in the slammer for about ten years, where he could discover the disparity between being a free man and a prison bitch. But, that's just the way I roll. Anyway, a guy in Denver actually named Robin Joshua Hood, was caught shoplifting, and now he's rectifying the disparity between dumbasses free to be dumbasses and dumbasses in prison. On top of being a thief, Hood stole another man's ID and used the victim's name to avoid incarceration on a warrant out of Denver for,, drug violations! Not only is Hood a shoplifter and ID thief, he's a dumbass with a drug habit! Hood was busted for shoplifting three baseball caps totaling about $45. Security personnel at Independent Records detained Hood when they caught him swiping the caps. The Denver Police were called and when Hood was searched by the cops, he was in possession of some hypodermic needles he freely confessed to using them for heroin! Let's recount some stuff here - Robin Joshua Hood is an ID thief, shoplifter, heroin user and a wanted man. That's a Criminal's Trifecta Plus One! What a guy! It's just a guess, but I'm thinking that the name "Robin" does not exactly cast fear into the hearts and minds of your average prison inmate. Some prisoners might find such a moniker "sexy" and will wanna play a game of "hide and seek" in "Sherwood Forest", if you know what I mean and I think you do. So, Robin, enjoy your stay in the Crossbar Hilton, I hope you make lots of friends in your new environs. One piece of advice before I go, Robin. Maintain a firm grip on the soap, old boy.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Port-a-Potty Prison

In late September, I wrote about a guy who got his jollies by diving for doo doo. At the time, I was certain that we would not encounter another story having to do with port-a-potties before the end of the year. Along comes this dumbass in New Jersey to prove me wrong.

Here's the poop, I mean scoop. Unlike the doo doo diver guy who was sober as a judge, this time our dumbass was lit like the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. From what I can gather, the 61 year old dumbass in today's story was simply using the port-a-potty to take a leak and somehow got locked in the toilet. He said he tried banging on the john's door and screaming real loud, but there was no response to his plea for help. So, like any drunk worth his weight in Budweiser, the dumbass went to sleep in the port-a-potty. How a guy could sleep in a portable can is beyond me, but this guy must have been really plastered. When he woke up he again began to make a lot of noise, which is what all New Jersey drunks do after they spend the night in a port-o-let. After all, the liquor stores open at 9am and this dumbass was thirsty for breakfast and in a large hurry. As a former Professional Drinker, I can relate to his wanting to get to the beer store, but I fail to muster up any sympathy for doing something as dumbass as passing out in a portable john, when I'm sure there are plenty of perfectly good bridges nearby that would make swell places to sleep...if you're a drunk dumbass.

Even though he was late getting to the beer store, our dumbass, whose name was not released (no shit?), was finally freed  from his Port-a-Prison, then taken to a local hospital where he was deemed OK to return to being a Dumbass Wino. A spokesdumbass for the township told the press, "No one has ever heard of anything like this happening here." Who the hell does he think he's fooling with that bullshit? This New Jersey for God's sake and you guys call incidents like this one, Friday night!

This story does have a valuable lesson for us all. let's hear it straight from the mouth of police Lt. Christopher Brignola, "We are instructing our employees that from now on they are supposed to open the door and look inside before padlocking it." Be sure to knock first. You never know when you'll intrude on a sleeping dumbass in a portable toilet. Dumbass.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A Guy Named Gus, His Ducks and Pot

When it's a slow Dumbass News Day, I can always fall back on certain places where dumbasses thrive, much to the chagrin of local residents. In order, my go-to for a dumbass places are California (beautiful state overrun by dumbasses), France (because they are France) and Florida (a great place with too many snow-dumbasses).

Today, I chose France as our Destination for Dumbasses because I hate to pick on Florida, it's not Floridians' fault for the influx of snow-dumbasses. I don't mind picking on California, but if I keep it up for too long each of the 36 million people who live there will be in therapy all at the same time, and they've got enough problems without continually pointing out the dumbasses in their midst, even though it would be a lot of fun. I pick on France because those pussies deserve every pot shot thrown their way just because they are French. And they are pussies. And dumbasses. All. Of. Them.

Gus' Duck Gets Daffy***
In some town in France whose name is way too long type over and over, but translates to We are pussies. All. Of. Us., is a guy who owns a duck farm. Being a duck farmer alone qualifies this imbecile as a dumbass, but there is more to his story that puts him in a dumbass class of one. He has a dumbass name too. Michel. I know it translates to Michael, but it also translates to I am a pussy, so I am gonna call the guy Gus. At least "Gus" doesn't sound like a girls name. But I digress. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Gus is a duck farming dumbass. He has 150 ducks on his farm and he says it's quite a chore to keep them all from getting worms. I suspect that is true. So, to keep his ducks wormless, Gus called in a "specialist" for advice on how to keep 150 ducks from getting worms. The "specialist" said that Gus should feed them pot. Yes pot. Marijuana. Weed. Chronic. Latin lettuce. Meskin Marlboros. It takes a lot of weed to keep 150 ducks from getting worms and Gus was up to the task of making sure there was plenty of the loco weed on hand to "de-worm" his ducks. As a matter of fact, the local gendarme, which is French for "we are the police, but we are pussies, too", got wind (pun intended) of Gus' magic duck de-wormer and paid him an official visit.

On his duck farm the cops found twelve pot plants and eleven pounds of bagged pot. The police were impressed by Gus' dedication to de-worming his ducks, but not so much by his stash, to which Gus readily admitted he had smoked some of the marijuana. No shit? Dumbass. When the matter finally went to court, Gus' lawyer told the judge, "This is for real, not one (duck) has worms and they're all in excellent health," said Jean Piot, Gus' lawyer. Ya think? I told you that every damn Frenchman alive is a dumbass! This gets better.

A police representative said the incident marked "the first time we've heard of something like this." Good Gawd!!! Frakkin' dumbass!!!!! What do you expect from a country that eats duck like Americans eat McDonalds, but will not ever Southern fry a good yardbird ( that's a chicken for the uninitiated) and serve it with smashed taters and cream gravy? This incident further proves that France is a lost cause. If the Moose Limbs don't get 'em, the Dumbass will. Vive la France! Les dumbasses.

***image from***

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Pennsylvania Dumbass is Even a Subpar Dumbass, Needs Lessons

20th Class Reunion, Class of 1975
The story that I am writing about today hit pretty close to home. While reading it, I thought of any number of friends from high school, becoming more nostalgic with each sentence I read. What follows is that heartwarming tale with my thoughts scattered throughout. Concordville, Pennsylvania is the setting for this story that rekindles the memories of so long ago. Yes, some of my friends were dumbasses back then. I say that with love in my heart, guys.

Matthew Huston is a pussy. Matt was attending his 20th High School reunion with former classmates and was having a blast. He had such a blast, he got blasted. Drunk. Inebriated. FUBAR'ed. After consuming several adult beverages, Matt was asked to leave. He refused. So a couple of guys cornered Matt and were escorting him out of the restaurant where the reunioners had gathered. mat, ever the dumbass drunk, saw an opportunity for a grand exit as he and his two escorts passed a bartender. BLAP! Matt cold cocked the poor guy. The good guys finally got Matt outside as someone inside the restaurant called the cops.

Dumbass Matt, feeling left out and still drunk, was headed back into the eatery when State Troopers arrived and tried to restrain him. Matt took exception to their intervention into his drunken dumbass escapades and he smacked a State Trooper. Dumbass move, Matt. At this point, I can see in my mind, certain high school buddies that would do the same thing as Matt did. Again, I say that with love in my heart, fellas. :)  However, Matt is a sissy compared to my drunken friends at our 20th HS Reunion, the loveable dumbasses. My guys would have at the very least broken a couple of tables and chairs, some bar drink glasses and a few noses for good measure. State Troopers? Child's play. For my old chums, it would have taken the Texas Rangers to get control of the situation. So, Matt, you are even a pussy as a drunk dumbass. For your next big reunion, Cupcake, call some of my boys back home. They can show you how to make it worthwhile and fun to accrue a few felonies. They are dumbasses with style, panache and a low tolerance for liquor! But they are damned good felons, Matt. You dumbass.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Dumbass Blonde and Her 15 Minutes of Fame

Tina, is that you?
Today's dumbass story comes to us from a place where you can locate thousands of dumbsses at any given moment twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. No, I don't mean California. Or the White House. I mean Sin City. The city that never sleeps, Las Vegas, Nevada. You'll be surprised to learn that I am not talking about gamblers, casinos or hookers either.

Let me splain. Today's featured dumbass is a young, pretty, seemingly bright young lady with big, uh, big, uh, er, big "blue eyes", if you know what I mean and I think you do. Anyway the young lady with the big jugs, I mean "blue eyes", was stopped on suspicion of drunk driving which is a big no no if indeed you are driving drunk. Well, "Blue Eyes" was found to be driving drunk after she failed field sobriety tests, so off to jail she went. When she got to jail, a crew from Tru TV was there also, filming for the series, Inside American Jail.

Once she got to the jail she was booked and sent to the seating area to park her hiney. At this point, it's a little bit futile for me to describe what happened, rather I'll post a link to this video and you can see for yourself. I'll be here when you get back. After watching the video at least 30 times once, I can offer my opinion. And since that's the only one that matters around here, I'll do just that. It appears to me that maybe Tina (the blonde with the big "blue eyes") is a bit buzzed but not commode-huggin' drunk. She's former stripper so attempting to show the cops and the people in custody her assets is hardly out of character. I say that as a former professional drinker and strip club patron, it is my considered opinion that Tina knew exactly what she was doing.

I wanted you to see that video so you could see what happened then (Feb,2009) and what Tina is claiming today. Tina is claiming that she was too blasted to remember signing a release form so the segment with her in it could be aired on Tru TV. More the from the linked article, "Late last month, Vlijter (Tina) sued Langley Productions and TruTV parent company Turner Broadcasting System, for at least $30,000 in compensation and unspecified damages for misrepresenting Vlijter and using the footage without a properly obtained consent. Vlijter said she was so drunk when arrested she doesn't recall signing a waiver, and her attorney said Langley has ignored repeated requests to produce whatever consent form it might have". If you read the whole article previously linked, she remembers everything but signing a waiver.

Two things: 1) Tina just filed this suit in November, 2010 and the show aired at least a year before then.Was she so drunk for at least the last year that she forgot she was on the show? 2) This reason has a few sub-reasons so bear with me. Sub-reason 1) I bet a dollar to a donut that Tina has made a considerable sum of money (more than the 30G's she's suing for) as a result of her being on Inside American Jail. For a little while she had the most famous set of knockers in Vegas.I'm sure she has on more than one occasion played "Arrest Me Mr. Policeman" at bachelor parties or whatever. Sub-reason 2) She was watching late night TV when she saw a commercial for Dewey, Cheatam and Howe, Attys. at Law, We don't get paid unless you get paid. She was on the phone to those guys quick as hiccup. Sub-reason 3) Tina is looking for more horny guys to play "Arrest Me Mr. Policeman" with while her boobs can still stand up to scrutiny, if you know what I mean again and I think you do. Sub-reason 4) Tina and her lawyer believe that Tru TV will settle out of court instead of dragging the whole damn thing out and she and the lawyer will each snag a lot more than 30 Large.

At that point, Tina can go on showing off her famous tits and get while the gettin's good and the attorney can crawl back under the rock from whence he came. Dumbasses.

The People of California Win, Dumbass Judge Loses

Score One for Justice
You might want to be seated when you read what I am about to write. It's something I thought I'd never, ever put out there to remain in the ether forever and ever, amen. Let me take a deep breath...OK, here goes...I actually agree with a ruling by a California court! I waited a couple of minutes to type this sentence while you regained consciousness. There. I said it. Pigs will now fly and Barack Obama will give up golf to concentrate on that pesky Presidency thing. Well, at least pigs will fly. But I digress.

A parent in Albany, California  sued the local school district for failing to meet state standards regarding Phys Ed. A judge, Your Honor the Dumbass, in Sacremento sided with the school district dumbasses saying, " the state's physical education rule was advisory and not a requirement,(even though the California Department Education said it was a requirement - ed.). In addition, the original ruling found that a private party, such as a parent, had no standing to enforce the law." What the fuck???!!! A citizen of the state of California "had no standing to enforce the law"? Then who the hell does have standing to enforce the law? Some dumbass judge with the bully pulpit and an agenda maybe? Dumbass. All this time I thought that elected school board members and dumbass judges were in their positions to serve the public! I guess I've been wrong for that last 50 years.

The parent appealed the decision to the California Court of Appeals where they voted unanimously (3-0)  saying the parent does have the right to enforce the law in this case. When I saw that, I almost had The Big One. Not one. Not two. But three judges on the same panel agreed with a concerned parent over a dumbass judge without a clue. Fucking moron. It's good to see that the appeals court had the good sense to actually, you know, enforce the law as it was written. The dipshit judge in Sacramento got smacked down like the weenie he is and it serves him right. Dumbass.

You can read the whole story here, if you want to, as I gave you the thumbnail version of the story. The bottom line is that, in this case, the people of California won and activist dumbass judges have been put on notice to enforce the law, not legislate the law from the bench.

The People of California - 1  Dumbass Judge - 0. bwahahahahahahaha

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Spuds McDumbass

I am sitting here in my living room with my wife watching a DVR'ed  Dr. Phil show. The topic is very timely. The show's about overeating and gaining weight during the holiday season. Millions of Americans will fight the Battle of the Bulge over the next few weeks as they visit Grandma's house and eat. The in-laws' house and eat. The kids' house and eat. You get the picture. That's just the nature of the beast at this time of year.

There's a dumbass in Moses Lake, Washington that is the head of the Washington State Potato Commission. You are asking yourself, "Now, Toby, why would you just jump to the conclusion that the Head of the Washington State Potato Commission is a dumbass?" Fair question. I will now present to you conclusive evidence that this guy is a dumbass. Prepare to be amazed. Or nauseated. Or something.

The Head Spud Guy in Washington is named Chris Voigt. Chris recently took of the cause of defending and repairing the reputation of potatoes. Hey, he's the Head Spud Guy, so it's understandable why he'd do that. But, Chris the Head Spud Guy went a bit overboard in his efforts to de-demonize potatoes. How? Well, Chris went a on potatoes-only for 60 days! And he was mighty proud of the fact that he lost 17 pounds during his diet. Well, guess what, Chris, you dumbass? You could eat nothing but pork chops for two months and you'd still lose weight. 

Chris gave us this pearl of wisdom, "I've baked, boiled, broiled, fried, smashed and shredded potatoes." He said he avoided all the add-ons that you'd normally put on taters including butter, sour cream and bacon bits. It seems that the "health conscious crowd", or as I call them anorexic dumbasses, doesn't like you to put butter, sour cream or bacon bits on your spuds. I say WHY? Chris, just look at the the dumbasses you are trying to prove wrong! They are going to die sick fuckers from not eating any of the good stuff! On the other hand, you will live longer than those "health conscious" assholes because you ate real food that nourished your body the way it needs to be nourished. Don't get me wrong, I know that it's not healthy to do anything in excess, however, doing nothing but eating tofu and bean sprouts ain't gonna cut the mustard either. Put the "health conscious" crowd on a 60 day tofu-only diet and what would you get? A dead anorexic tofu-eating member of the "health conscious" crowd! Dumbasses.

I think I'll head over to Wendy's and get me a triple decker baconator and a baked potato with sour cream, lots of butter, cheese and bacon bits. Wanna join me, Chris? We can make fun of tofu eating anorexic dumbasses.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Light Turned Off for Dumbass at Motel 6

Lights Out
Nobody is immune to doing something stupid once in a while. Not me, you or anybody we know. Some people, however, do stupid shit on a regular basis because they are stupid and they know nothing else but being stupid. In such cases, the person is a dumbass.

When I do a Dumbass News story, I try to take into account various aspects of the story and whether or not it is Dumbass News worthy. I consider whether or not the incident in the story is just plain old bad luck or being at the right place at the wrong time. Bad luck and bad timing do not a dumbass make....most of the time.

The dumbass in this story was definitely at the  right place at the wrong time, which would normally not be sufficient evidence to declare him a dumbass. But, the dude took right place, wrong time to a previously unheard of level. And by that, I mean he got into a hole and kept digging, with one foot on a banana peel and his head up his ass.

The dumbass in question was staying in a Motel 6 in Spartanburg, South Carolina when the phone in his room rang. An unknown male was the caller and he promptly told the dumbass that there were hidden cameras in the motel room and he was to destroy the television and mirrors in the room so he could disable the "hidden cameras". Our dumbass dutifully did as he was told by a total stranger on the phone! This is only half the dumbassery, there was more to unfold. Next, the caller instructed the dumbass to break into the room next door and FREE A TRAPPED MIDGET! Surely, our hero would realize that at this point, he was being pranked. But no! With the aid of aid of a wrench, the dumbass broke through the wall leading to the room next door. That's when the cops showed up. The ending of this story is different than what you might expect.

Despite having done a few thousand dollars worth of damage to his motel room, the dumbass was not charged with any crimes, he was simply asked to leave the Motel 6 and they will not leave the light on for him.
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