Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: October 2010 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Hot Rod Mobility Scooters Run Wild!

There two kinds of dumbasses. Just your garden variety dumbass, and a dumbass with too much time on his hands. The subject of our story today falls into the "dumbass with too much time on his hands" category. His name is Colin Furze. What Colin does that makes him a dumbass with too much time on his hands is that he builds hot rod mobility scooters! And we thought the hot rod riding lawnmower guy was a dumbass.

By trade, Colin Furze is a plumber (insert jokes about turds, toilets and flushing here), a seemingly ordinary dumbass. But at night after work, by the light of the full moon, Furze transforms into a dumbass with too much time on his hands - kind of a dumbass Jekyll and Hyde. (OK, I made up the part about the full moon) Furze takes an ordinary Hover Round like Grandma and the two little old ladies at the Grand Canyon in the TV commercial use to get around, and turns them into hot rods! This dumbass has gone over 60 miles per hour on one of these things and has lived to tell about it. He wants to up the ante to the big seven-O, 70 mph in the near future. There's nothing like a dumbass with a death wish.

Now, being of the inquisitive sort and a dumbass to boot, I have come to the conclusion that Furze is actually up to no good! It is my considered opinion that Furze is the mastermind behind a plan to take over America. Harsh words, I know, but please hear me out. Furze's real plan is to distribute one of these hot rod Hover Rounds to every old fart in the United States! Just think of the chaos that would ensue! Why, there could even be the old people's equivalent of the Hell's Angels! Yes! This nation could very soon be facing an epidemic of old people doing God knows what in these souped up mobility scooters! Are we really ready for the Nightmares from the Nursing Home??!! There's nothing in common sense nor the Constitution that would prevent us from eradicating this Mobility Menace from our midst! These Gear Grinding Grandparents have no place in civil society. As for their leader, Mr. Furze, the gallows are too good for him! His punishment should be no less than a lifetime banishment to France, where the women are hard to tell from the men and the sheep are nervous!

Rally behind this cause, America before it's too late! Or meet me at the Augusta Raceway this Friday at 8PM for our first ever Hot Rod Hover Round Nationals, sponsored by Depends! Admission is $20 for adults, $15 for teens and kids under 12 get in free! Hey, a guy's gotta make a buck somehow.


**Photo by Geoff Robinson @

Finally! A FARKing Dumbass Quiz!

One of the best web sites on the internet for dumbass news, without the brilliant insight and pithy commentary you get here, is They have a large staff scouring the depths of the web, specifically looking for weird news stories. Recently, those FARKers came up with a quiz to determine what I will call your "Dumbass Quotient". It's flat funny and only 10 questions long, so it's a quick, easy read. You can find the quiz here. Give it a try and let me know how you did in the comments. Have fun, fellow dumbasses!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Dumbass Laws, Part 3

Election Day is only four days away and I wonder how many new dumbass laws will be passed, or if we're lucky and the potential new majority has any balls, how many dumbass laws, like Obama Care, will be repealed. I am optimistic, but not overly so. We shall see what we shall see, I guess. But, fear not! There are still plenty of dumbass laws on the books to keep even the most die-hard skeptic, like me, amused for years to come. let's take a look at some of them, shall we?
Hawaii - Arguably the most beautiful state in the Union, has its share of dumbass laws, some of which seem to be contradictory to what actually goes on in the 50th State. For instance, in Hawaii it is illegal to wear swimming trunks in public.  
DN - Good luck with that. There is a bright side to this dumbassery, however. It is not illegal, for women to wear wear dental floss-sized bikinis in public. Thank God for small favors. And I do mean small favors.

Idaho - In Pocatello it's against the law for "pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city's reputation".
DN - No frowning or scowling, eh? Hey, dumbasses, it's Poca freakin' tello Idaho! Enough said.

Illinois - This one is a doozy. In Chicago, "People who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or deformed to the point of being "an unsightly or disgusting object" are banned from being out in public.
DN - No wonder Michelle "I am an unsightly or disgusting object" Obama no longer resides in Chi Town. Just sayin'.

Indiana - The Hoosier State is also a bastion of Middle American values. <----that's sarcasm. In Gary, Indiana it's illegal to attend the theatre within four hours of eating garlic.
DN - Two things here. 1) There's "theatre" in Gary, Indiana? 2) No wonder there are no Eye-Talians in Gary. No garlic. No Eye-talians.

Iowa - State law prohibits establishments from charging admission to see a one armed piano player.
DN - What about a one legged man in an ass kickin' contest? Just askin'.

The United States is the most powerful and yet most free country in the history of mankind. Just why in the name of all that is holy, do we have such draconian laws still on the books in this great land? Oh, yeah, I know why. Liberals. Enough said.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

A Dumbass Crash Course in UFO Crashes

Hey! Let's Share and Write About Our Experiences!
Once upon a time, England was a great and powerful country. But that was once upon a time and the passage of time has not been good to the home of Winston Churchill, Sir Walter Raleigh and Monty Python. Not only has the British dance with socialism and political correctness turned the country into a burgeoning Third-World Hell Hole, some of the institutions of education there are going to shit as well. Some places that are supposed to teach reading, writing and arithmetic (we used to call them schools), are teaching 8,9 and 10 year olds what to do in the event of (multiple choice, pick the most correct answer): a) inclement weather, b) an attack by a crazed gunman, c) a national emergency or d) a UFO crash. The correct answer is "d", as in dumbass! I. Kid. You. Not. This article states that "In a typical drill, a UFO crash incident is created, and police arrive to show 8- to 10-year-old pupils how to handle such a scenario, which includes gathering "wreckage," and the students are encouraged to share and write about the experience." And you thought I was kiddin'. So, these kids are shown how to handle such a scenario, huh? I can tell you how most 8 - 10 year olds would handle such a scenario...they would run like someone put a rocket up their ass, screaming "MOMMY!!" like Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem. As far as "gathering wreckage", what the hell is wrong with these people?! Maybe I am mistaken, but if a UFO were to crash, wouldn't the local constabulary cordon off the immediate area and wait for the military to secure the crash site for further investigation? But the dumbasses in charge of this "exercise", want kids to pick up alien material, possibly TOXIC alien material, and exchange it like they would David Beckham bubble gum cards? Ho. Lee. Shit. And I don't mean the Chinese actor Ho Lee Shit. Then Step 3 of this exercise in dumbassery encourages children to "share and write about their experiences". Now isn't that sweet? Again, if I were eight and I had to write about this kind of thing, it would be brief and concise. My essay would read, "I saw the UFO crash and I shit my pants. Then I ran home like somebody put a rocket up my ass, screaming "MOMMY!!" The end". Dumbasses.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

An Elastic Mouth Dumbass!

When a couple has a child, they spend a lot of time telling the little varmint "Don't put that in your mouth!" for the first few years of the kid's life. Then the child grows up to become famous...for putting things in his mouth! such is the case with a young man named Francisco. Francisco is a dumbass, and I say that with love in my heart, Francisco. He's just a poor kid from Angola (the country, not the prison) trying to make a buck by shoving large objects into his mouth. Take a look at this picture where Francisco has a soda can in his mouth...sideways! Several jokes come to mind at this point, but I shall refrain from putting them to the written word. I will, however, give you a hint: one joke involves chrome and a trailer hitch and the other a golf ball and a garden hose. Enough said. Our boy Francisco has even appeared on Italian TV displaying what is billed as, I ain't makin' this up, The Angolan Jaw of Awe. I'll bet. On this particular TV show, a contest was held to find the biggest mouth in the world. The big mouth dumbasses in search of that ever elusive title, proceeded to shove various objects such as saucers, coffee cups and beer bottles. What? No small automobiles? But, The Angolan Jaw of Awe won the day when he put in and removed a sideways soda can 14 times in a minute! Here is a direct quote from the article on Aol News, Francisco, "who shot to local stardom by showing off his mouth on the streets of Luanda, the capital of Angola. The local newspaper, Zwele Angola, said he often performs at soccer games and in the local markets." What does he slam into his mouth at a soccer game? Goaltenders? The visiting team? I bet Francisco is a big hit at birthday parties and bar mitzvahs. Francisco is hoping someday to go to school, the article states. Bucket Mouth U, maybe? Dumbass. Remember, I say that with love.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Dumbass Laws! Part 2

Welcome, degenerates and dumbasses from around the globe, to our second installment of Dumbass Laws! The USA is the world's leader in many things that benefit mankind - stuff like food production, technology, medicine, etc. Sadly, we also lead the world in the number of dumbass laws still on the books - except for France. Nobody can have that many dumbass laws and still survive as a country for long. But, I digress.

I'm not here to rag on France, even though it's fun and easy to do, I am here to tell you about some of the dumbass laws still in effect all around The Fruited Plain. These dumbass laws are probably of French origin, so that explains a lot. (I told you it was fun and easy). Again, I digress.

Actual Dumbass Laws still on the books:

Colorado: in the city of Durango, it is illegal to wear clothes "unbecoming one's sex".
DN: Really? Have you seen    the number of Californians in Colorado these days? They'll turn Durango into San Fransissy East in no time. Just sayin'.

Connecticut: In Hartford, it is against the law for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.
DN: Lucky bastards. They get to watch football all day without interruption.

Delaware: if you fly over a body of water, you'd better have a sufficient supply of food and drink. Otherwise, you are breaking the law.
DN: That's all well and good, but I have a question. Can you use a bologna sandwich as a flotation device? Just askin'.

Florida: You may want to re-pack your suitcase if you are headed to Miami. Why? It is illegal for a MAN to wear any type of strapless gown.
DN: Well, hell. There goes my weekend in Miami. Dumbasses.

Georgia: Quitman must have something against bad jokes. In that Georgia city, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
DN: Now we'll NEVER know the answer as to why the chicken crossed the road. Unless the answer is "to get a jaywalking ticket". Dumbasses.

I bet even in France, chickens can legally cross the road. Unless the truck drivers, etc. are on strike again for some dumbass reason like having to work all the way up to 62 years old. Dumbasses.

Monday, October 25, 2010

A Golf Cart Driving Dumbass Goes On a Crime Spree!

Our Suspect?
Here at Dumbass News we pride ourselves in the fact that we find the cream of the crop of dumbassery. Well, that and the fact that we haven't been caught plagiarising other peoples' work - yet. But that's a story for another day. We at Dumbass News also bring to you the World's Greatest Dumbasses on riding lawnmowers. And after much research, we have expanded our Dumbasses on Lawn Care Machines to include Dumbasses on Golf Carts! Our next entry in this category, hopefully, will be Dumbasses on HoverRounds.

Anyway, back to the golf carts and the dumbasses who drive them. The Villages is a retirement community down in Marion County, Florida. In other words, old, rich, white people live there, play golf, tennis and other sissy sports like badminton and croquet. One of the old, rich, white guys who lives at The Villages is Bob McNicol. Bob's golf cart was stolen from his old, rich, white guy home by some not-so-rich, fat white guy. The not-so-rich fat white guy then went on a crime spree while driving the golf cart! This guy is in the Dumbass Hall of Fame by virtue of stealing stuff while on a stolen golf cart. Brilliant! The fat guy then drives the golf cart to a nearby shopping center and burglarizes a shed belonging to a restaurant at the shopping center. What does he steal from the shed? $240 worth of cooking oil! All I can figure is that the guy is planning a helluva chicken fry or he has one of those greenie weenie cars that runs on vegetable oil. I'm going with the chicken fry at this time because fat white guys don't drive greenie weenie cars that run of vegetable oil. They do, however, eat a shitload of fried chicken. After heaping praise on this dumbass for his ingenuity, he does something that proves he's just an ordinary, run-of-the-mill fat dumbass when he broke into a storage shed that belongs to a VA Hospital, where the dumbass took some cleaning supplies, a shovel and a ladder. I imagine that some of the guys at the VA Hospital have some creative uses for cleaning supplies, a shovel, a ladder and the thief's anal cavity. But that's just an educated guess on my part.

Be on the look out for a fat white guy in a blue shirt and blue shorts (that describes half the white guy population of Florida) who's driving a white and tan EZ Go golf cart with a US Army sticker on the windshield. If you should see this man, confront him, beat the hell out of him and then call the VA Hospital for clever ways to shove cleaning supplies, a shovel and a ladder up his sorry thieving ass.


Hat tip to

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Dumbasses of the Week!

Over the last few weeks, we have seen some real dumbasses mentioned on this blog. I thought today might be a good time to remember these dumbasses with a "Best of..." post. Besides, I need a nap after my little girl's slumber party, with very little slumber for me and Heather.
That's a pretty good lineup of dumbasses. Click a link and feel better about your life. It damn sure can't be worse than these dumbasses.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Dumbass Laws: Part 1

Here's our first installment of Dumbass Laws. We at Dumbass News have boldly gone where nobody cares, but hey, we found some good, solid dumbass stuff. You will first see the state listed with the dumbass law to follow, then my comments will follow "DN".

Dumbass Laws From Around the Country:

Alabama - In Jasper, it is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
DN- I suppose a big man with fat fingers has the go ahead to bludgeon his wife with a pool cue. Dumbasses.

Alaska - With the proper licenses, you can kill a bear in Alaska. However, it is illegal to wake a sleeping bear so you can take his picture.
DN - It is a dumbass thing to wake a sleeping bear period. Unless you want to become bear supper.

Arizona - In Tucson, women wearing pants are breaking the law.
DN - You think that is illegal? See what happens if a woman goes outside without wearing pants. Just sayin'.

Arkansas - More wife beatin' here. A man in Arkansas can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
DN - I say the fine folks of the Natural State should make it legal for a wife to shoot her husband in the ass with a 12 gauge shotgun if the husband beats her. But she can't do it more than once a month. Dumbasses.

California - You must have a hunting license to set a mousetrap.
DN - If you need a hunting license to catch a mouse, fuck a bunch of mousetraps, I'm going with a 30.06. That's gotta be one BIG mouse.

See what you are in for over the coming weeks? I know I feel smarter just having read these dumbass laws. I also know that I have broken many of these laws myself, but not in the state in which they are in effect. Does that make me a felon? No, but it does make me a dumbass. 


Dumbass Laws - Introduction

Here at Dumbass News, in order to find content that truly meets and exceeds our non-existent standards, we go to places on the internet that anyone with one iota of self-respect wouldn't go to in a thousand years. Since we don't even know the meaning of self-respect, and lots of other words, so we jump right into the cesspools of the internet - places like The New York Times website. We go deeper into the shit than our old friend the doo doo diver. We'll make fun of anybody with the exception of our mamas and dead people - unless it's necessary to the plot and/or it gets a cheap laugh, then all bets are off.

We have decided to serialize some of the most dumbass laws from the fifty states that make up our great country. Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen, we have scoured literally almost five thousands of websites to come up with a list of the most absurd, stoopid, dumbass laws on the books today. We'll present all this dumbassery to you in alphabetical order, from A to Z, Alabama to zWyoming (the "z" is silent).

I'll have a post a little later today that is sure to induce nausea make you happy that you don't live where the real dumbasses live under their dumbass laws.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Dumbass or Genius - You Decide

Crabs to Go?
 I found the story you are about to see at one of the best sites on the internet. The Jawa Report generally deals with stuff about terrorism, radical Islamists, splodey dopes and American traitors who have joined the cause of jihad, or as we would call them here, dumbass goat fuckers. TJR is an outstanding resource for the latest news regarding those who would do America and Americans harm.

Occasionally, however, The Jawa Report comes across a dandy like this one.(this video is narrated in Japanese or some other -ese) Leave it to those wacky Japanese to come up with an idea like that. Live crabs in a vending machine! I mean, I don't know if this is genius or dumbass. I guess it's like they say, "there's a fine line between genius and dumbass." After watching the video, it looks like to me that those people are eating the crab alive! That is certainly not genius, it's definitely dumbass.  Just where in the video do you a see a pan of boiling water? BTW, the cool temperature of the vending machine puts the live crabs in a state of hibernation, and they come back to life upon reaching room temperature. I didn't see anyone in the video projectile puking, so I assume the crabs are safe to eat...if you are a dumbass or Japanese. On the other claw, the vending machine that dispenses booze is a master stroke, so I ain't gonna complain too much. Six pack of one, half dozen of the other, I suppose. :)

P.S. The vending machines are Japanese made but are actually in Shanghai.

Bacon Smell Pisses Off Moose Limbs

Jihadi Love Connection
Dirty Language Warning: You have been warned !
 Some Muslims are pissed off again. So what else is new? They get their panties in a wad at the slightest perceived sign of disrespect towards Islam or their (coughbullshitcough) prophet, SpongeBob SquareProphet. After you read the story that I am going to share with you, you'll want to open a hot dog stand near a mosque.

Over in England, where the dumbasses in Parliament keep sucking the ass of anything Muslim, a nice lady named Beverley owns a restaurant, some Moose Limbs are offended by the smell of bacon coming from her vent a hood thing. Is that so, bitches? Well, I'm Catholic and I find it offensive when you cook your goat on a Friday during Lent when I am not allowed to eat meat. So, lighten up, dumbasses.

Back to our story...Beverley, the cafe owner with the offensive vent a hood, is married to a Muslim! Furthermore, the Muslim husband cooks all the food for the cafe, including the bacon (!) and he has no problem with it. But, the pussy white guys on the council of whatever in Manchester, have ordered Beverley to take down the vent a hood in a move to appease the Moose Limbs. You can read the whole story here if you want to, but I have laid out the Cliff's Notes version without all the crap in the entire piece. To Beverley's credit, she's appealing the decision by the local Council of Dumbasses and maybe somebody in the appeals process will have the balls to stand up to the bullying of these "sensitive" Islamist douchebags. If I offend anyone regarding the "religion of victim whiny ass pussies", piss be upon them, too damn bad. These people, or any others for that matter, are not gonna bully me or any of my Texan amigos, because they are a bunch of goat-fucking woman-beaters. This bullshit has been going on in Europe for some time and is trying to get hold in the USA, but we ain't havin it! If you want to live in America and freely practice your "religion", I welcome you. But when you seek special status because of your "religion", prepare to meet your destiny, we ain't gonna take it, assholes. So, fuck you and the camel you rode in on. Have a nice fuckin' day.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Special Delivery at WalMart

My cousin by marriage, Ashley, gave birth to my newest fishin' buddy, Cooper, a couple of days ago. In honor of motherhood, I have a Dumbass News story about a doting mother-to-be that will bring a tear to your eye and a jail sentence to the mother-to-be. A real tearjerker.

We have all heard stories about pregnant women going into labor in odd places - elevators, taxi cabs, restaurants, etc. Today's inspirational tale of motherhood-to-be involves a woman going into labor at WalMart - while committing a crime! A true dumbass. Now if doesn't bring a tear to your eye, I don't know what will. Katurah Petty is the pregnant dumbass in question. You see, Katurah and her sister Shaneel, were recently doing their Christmas shoplifting early this year at a WalMart in Ohio, which just happens to lead the nation in pregnant dumbasses committing felonies while going into labor. Anyway, the two dumbass sisters were using fake UPC codes to purchase $271 worth of computer software at their local WalMart.when they were busted. Katurah the pregnant dumbass, now felon, goes into labor when the cops arrested her. Being the conscientious public servants they are, the police took her to hospital where she gave birth to a future felon.

Two things: Thing Number Uno - does the pregnant dumbass not understand that WalMart has more security cameras than the Pentagon? Thing Number Dos - get a fucking American name! What the fuck kind of name is Katurah? That sounds like something the dog does on your lawn that you step in while playing with your kids. Good American crooks have names like Bugsy or Lefty or Guido. Katurah? Not so much. There is a possibility that there could be a run on the name "Katurah", which means pregnant dumbass in French, by "Katurahs" around the world! Especially in France, where pregnant dumbasses abound. Her sister-in-crime is named "Shaneel". That's a name I can accept as American because it sounds like "Shaquille" as in "O'neal". And trust me, one look at this mugshot, and you'll agree that she looks a lot like Shaq, therefore she's has an American name. And she's not pregnant. Neither is Shaq, I'm told. Also, Shaq doesn't shop at WalMart...he buys Walmarts.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

What Could Have Been a Dumbass Story

Topaz, as photographed by Diane Stess-Kirschner
In the wake of the birth yesterday of my newest fishin' buddy, Coop, I am gonna lighten up on the dumbass today, and publish a story my wife found on Aol News, I think. Our story does have a dumbass in it, but it also has a most unexpected happy ending, unlike the dumbass cop who tasered another cop's ass or the dumbasses in Italy who want to cut down a forest to keep the hookers away. The only dumbass in today's story is the one who accepted a dog as a gift and then let it run away. Let's get to it.

Our episode today opens in Florida where a couple and their kids are preparing for a cross-country to San Francisco. This nice family had a pooch named Topaz (OK, so nice family is a bit dumbass, because Topaz is a dumbass name for a dog) for whom they found another nice home instead of taking her on a 3000 mile trip to the Bay Area. Cool beans, right? Wrong. Topaz's new owners turned out to be dumbasses by letting her wander away from home. After walking all the way across the Florida Peninsula, Topaz, the nice doggie with the dumbass name, was picked up by a nice lady. The nice lady took the dog with the dumbass name to the vet. Everything was hunky dory with the dog. While at the vet's office, the nice lady discovered that Topaz, t.d.w.t.d.n., had a microchip with all the vital info needed to find her owners implanted under her skin! Yay! Not so fast! The nice lady tried to find Topaz's original owners (the microchip had their info on it, not the info of the dumbass that let Topaz escape) through a plethora of avenues with no luck. Then one day, the nice lady went to Facebook and lo and behold (!), she found the original owners! (Now you can "yay!") This nice lady should get some kind of medal. She searched for the owners for four years(!) until she located them.

Topaz, t.d.w.t.d.n., was put in a pet carrier, loaded onto a flight to San Fran and was happily reunited with her "family". The nice lady even had the dog professionally groomed before putting her on the plane. This woman is a saint! If live in or near, or plan to be in or near, Tamarac, Florida, find Diane Stess-Kirschner and buy her lunch or flowers or something. She deserves that much and more for proving that not everybody is a dumbass.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Dumbass Cop Tasers Female Cop's Ass...At The Police Dept.!

Cops have one of the toughest jobs in the world. So a little workplace levity to ease the tension that police officers face every day doesn't seem like a bad idea. That is, until a dumbass cop tasers the ass of a female colleague. At this point, a little workplace levity becomes a little workplace sexual harassment, or at the very least a dumbass idea when the workplace is Police Headquarters!

Here's the deal: a lady cop goes over to a male colleague and shows him something on her iPod. He then pulls out his taser (thank, God that's all he pulled out) and started chasing the lady cop around the police department building and the dumbass tases his female co-worker in her ass! That's his first problem. his second problem is the fact that the police department has video cameras in every possible place! His third problem is that there are several fellow police officers witnessing this whole ass-tasing! The guy cop's next problem is that the local media are on this story like a duck on a June bug, which leads to the guy's next problem - Lt. Rich Gibbons, who, despite the fact that he is an accomplished Sheriff's Deputy, he is also a dumbass. While being interviewed about the incident by a local TV station, Lt. Gibbons said (this is an exact quote) "It wasn't done as a malicious act, but it was horseplay utilizing a Taser." What.The Frak.? "Horseplay utilizing a taser"? It is my understanding that all police officers go through taser training which includes having the taser used on their own selves. It is also my understanding that a taser dispenses an electric shock of about 50,000 volts! Now, it may just be me, but if I were to be hit with 50,000 volts, my gazebos would would somehow go back to from whence they came, and I would have to change my name to Tobina. thanks, but no thanks. Lt. Gibbons then chimes in with this classic, "My reaction is that it's not tolerable" because it's on taxpayer time. That utterance in and of itself leads us in new direction of dumbassery, but that's for another time.

Again, let me say that I have done a lot of work with police departments all over the state of Texas as a media guy back in the day, and I have nothing but the greatest respect and admiration for an often thankless but dangerous job that they do. That said, I am only highlighting this one incident, in which a lone cop acts like a dumbass. My advice to the dumbass cop with the tasering the ass fetish, next time man up and show her your night stick. Dumbass.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Outrage From the Head Dumbass! Dumbasses and Scandis Unite!

Barry White-Sounding Scandi TV Guy**
As the Head Dumbass In Charge, or HDIC, here at Dumbass News, the responsibility falls to me to pick out dumbasses from around the world who meet our low, nonexistent even, standards in order to be a "featured" dumbass on this blog. What you are about to read, I would expect from a place like Communist China, but never from a place like Finland, where the women are beautiful and the men are men and the reindeer are nervous. Some executive dumbasses (but I repeat myself) at a Finnish TV station fired a white guy who sounds a lot like Barry White from Kansas, in a Finnish kind of way, for drinking a beer on the air! And when you see the video of the alleged beer drinking, the guy was using an empty beer bottle! The beer bottle isn't the only empty thing in this story, some higher ups at the TV station have empty skulls and no frakkin' sens of humor.I knew that Finland was a socialist paradise, but this incident goes beyond the pale. Watch this clip and decide for yourself. First off, the report mentions "incompetent personnel" serving liquor to customer. You gotta be shittin' me! To serve booze in Finland, what makes you competent to do so? A Bachelor's Degree in beer pouring? Dumbasses.Oh, but the dumbass gets stronger in this fiasco. One serving per customer? WTF? You mean if I take my wife out for a beer, we both have to stand in line to be served separately? Do we have tip the bartender separately, too? Sounds like a Communist plot to overthrow the world to me. Scandi dumbasses. Anyway, back to Olaf or Sven or whatever the news anchor's name is. I watched the video three times and it looks like to me that Nils or Arne or whatever the news anchor's name is, is clearly joking about the story being aired at that time and the beer bottle was empty, except for the skits (read: backwash) at the bottom of the bottle. Being Finnish and all that, I have a sneaky feeling that ol' Sven the Barry White-sounding anchor guy just might be able to handle a bit more beer than just the skits in the bottle. But, that's just me. It's possible, I suppose that Olaf could've have hammered before hitting the air waves, but he doesn't look or sound blasted to me.Besides, have you seen some of the commercials the Scandis run on TV? I am not going to link them, but if you wanna see how stupid and hypocritcal this deal is, Google them.

There is hope for Arne the Barry White-Sounding Finnish Guy! As a former Professional Drinker, I urge all you dumbasses, even if you don't drink Barley Pop, to unite behind Sven the Barry White-Sounding Scandi and demand that he be given his job back! There is a Facebook page set up for just such a thing. Join the masses in telling the Scandi TV Executives that they are dumbasses of the worst kind! And have cold beer to show your outrage and support for Olaf the Barry White-Sounding White Guy!!

**Photo from**
(Photo attribution corrected)

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Cutting Down the Forest To Chase Away the Hookers

I have never equated hookers and the forest. Having said that, I have visited the forest thousands of times, hookers, not so much. Italy, as I have seen on TV, is a beautiful place with traditions thousands of years years old. My wife's family came to America from Sicily. That's one reason I don't aggravate my wife, I never know when I'll wake up to a horse head in my bed, so I stay on the straight and narrow. I am not a dumbass.  :)

The Italian town of Abruzzo has a problem with sex for sale. As far as I can tell from this story, hookers hang out in the woods in Abruzzo and "sell their wares". The regional government of Abruzzo came up with a brilliant solution to this age old problem - cut down the forest! Abso-damn-lutely brilliant! Brilliant for a bunch of dumbasses. Let's apply this story to the US. What will happen to the unlicensed hookers in Nevada? Will the Nevada state government grow trees in the desert to rid it of prostitutes? Or will they take the hookers to the woods in Nevada then cut sown the forest to rid it of prostitutes? Or maybe the city of Las Vegas will choose to implode all the hotels in the city, then haul the hookers out to the woods, then cut down the forest to rid it of whores! How could anybody argue with such logic? Another question pops up here. Will the hookers get unemployment insurance? And will the whores in the Obama administration count these as jobs saved or created? Or will the whores in Nevada get jobs in the White House? The possibilities are endless.

At least the hookers in Italy and Vegas screw only one guy at a time, while Obama and his cadre of dumbasses screw the whole damn country.


Saturday, October 16, 2010

Dumbass Liberation Front

Future Deer Burgers
Today we'll explore the world of dumbass animal rights activists. In a recent post, I made my stance clear on "animal rights", whatever the frak that is. However, the "animal rights activists" in this case, who are nothing more than dumbasses with too much time on their hands, are soon-to-be prison bitches. Leon looks forward to meeting you idiots.

Here's the deal: This guy in Oregon, Richard Bentley, raises Fallow deer for their meat. There's such a place about ten minutes from where I live. These Fallow deer look like they'd make excellent deerburgers. But I digress. So this Bentley guy raises these Fallow deer and guess what? A bunch of pussy "animal rights activists" decide that Mr. Bentley is a menace to society and since the law won't do anything about the travesty of legally raising Fallow deer, they will! So what do these Socialists "Free the Fallow Deer" (!) assholes decide to do? Hint: they decide not to build a campfire, sing "Kumbaya" and eat bean sprouts. They do, however, decide to potentially ruin Mr. Bentley's livelihood (and deer burgers) by removing a large section of his fence hoping that the deer will escape into the wild and be free! But the joke is on them! These are tame deer and  there were no deer on the property! bwahahahaha!!! The sad thing is that was also no property owner with a 12 gauge shotgun to greet these dumbasses with proper hospitality.

The moral to the story is that if any of these "save the animals" sissies come onto your property illegally, shoot them in the ass with a shotgun shell full of rock salt. Or a Louisville Slugger to the skull, but that's just me. But in being hospitable to these dumbasses, remember to offer them a hot dog. Or a deerburger. Or a Louisville Slugger to the skull. Dumbasses.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Dumbass Underwear Bomber Is a Dumbass Lawyer, Too

Splodey Dope
There's an old saying that goes like this: "he who is his own lawyer has a dumbass for a client", or something like that. This old adage applies doubly to the so-called "Underwear Bomber", Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who from this point on we'll simply call Umar, or dumbass, as they are interchangeable. You remember this guy, don't you? He's the dumbass that tried to blow up an airplane headed for Detroit last Christmas Day with explosives in his Fruit of the Looms! See? I told you that "Umar" and "dumbass" are interchangeable. At a pre-trial hearing Umar chose to represent himself in court. Nothing says dumbass quite like a terrorist who tries to 'splode a plane with TNT in his draws to get his 72 raisins (or is that virgins?) and then goes on to be his own lawyer in a trial that could end up with him being Leon's prison bitch for the rest of his life and then on to Hell where he gets cornholed by Satan and his demonic minions for eternity.Slick move, ExLax.

Umar is from Nigeria, the 'Splodin' Underwear Capital of the World and a global leader in the exportation of dumbasses. Umar is also a black man and a Muslim. Regarding his race and religion, I don't care if was a green Amish-Catholic-Baptist, I bring those facts up for a couple of reasons. Where the hell are Jesse Jackson and/or Al Sharpton and/or the Council on American Islamic Relations? Or Johnny Cochran? Oh, wait, Johnny's in the Big Court Room in the Sky, so scratch him off the list. This guy, Umar, on the surface, is guilty as sin. The guy was caught, er, red handed with his crotch on fire when his bomb failed to 'splode. All these dumbasses, except CAIR, stood by OJ Simpson and screamed racism when they knew that bastard was guilty as hell. I guess there aren't enough white guys in Detroit to blame for this blatant bigotry. Heh.

I'd like to wish Umar a nice stay in the Federal lockup where some of the first English words he'll learn are "You dropped the soap, Umy-poo." and "squeal like pig, bitch", or to be more tolerant since Umy-poo is a Moose limb, "squeal like a billy goat". I forgot pork isn't halal, or lawful, to Moose limbs. Dumbasses.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Another Dumbass From Chicago

In Chicago, there seem to be two kinds of people, Democrats (see: Obama, Barack) and dumbasses (see: Obama, Barack), but I repeat myself. Michael James is the co-dumbass, I mean co-owner of a local eatery called the Heartland Cafe. Over the period of 18 months the bank account that James used for his cafe accrued $118,000 in overdraft charges! 118 Large. 118 Big Ones. A shitload. It wasn't until six months ago that James realized that something in his bank account was amiss. I hate to excerpt this much of an article, but it's necessary to the plot. From, here's the scoop:  "James told WalletPop in a telephone interview that "non-sufficient Funds," or "NSF," appeared daily because credit card payments to the restaurant's bank account weren't credited until the day after the bank knew they were deposited, creating an overdraft on checks that James and co-owner Katy Hogan wrote. James declined to name the bank, which won't lend him money. (No shit?)

"Somehow it's the banks and how this is organized," he said. (It couldn't be that you're a dumbass?)

"I didn't realize the gravity of it" until six months ago, James said, when the overdraft fees became a daily occurrence at the restaurant, which opened in 1976 as a hangout for hippies. Footage of a visit by President Obama before he was president was used in his campaign. (It took only 12 months to see that you're a hundred grand overdrawn?)

"I dug a deeper pit. It's like a whirlpool sucking you in," said James, who admits the financial pit he dug was his fault, but he also cites the recession and not hiring a professional accountant. (It's George Bush's fault!)

Here's the kicker into an unrivaled level of dumbassery, "I have a sense that I'm going to be a better businessman because of this," he said. Hey, dumbass, if you had any sense it wouldn't have taken a full year to know that you were in deep doo doo.

The Grande Finale: "They gave us some of the money back because we have a bank machine of theirs" in the restaurant, he said. However, given everything that has happened, James said he doubts he'll keep the bank's ATM when and if he changes banks." You.Can't.Make.This.Stuff.Up. Dumbass.

**Thanks to Fotosearch for the image**

Clowns to the Left of Me, Dumbasses to the Right

The following is the opening paragraph from what passes as "news" in Bangor, Maine, at least according to the Bangor Daily News. The headline reads : Four teens caught drinking at's the opening paragraph: "Residence staff at York Hall called University of Maine police late Sunday to report underage drinking. That led to four people, including one juvenile, being charged, university spokesman Joe Carr said Monday." No shit?! Teens drinking at college? Stop the frakkin' presses! Dumbasses. Bangor is a town of about 32,000 people and all the BDN could come up with is young people drinking at college? Well, slap me down and call me Shorty! Legalities aside, this is like saying "Cheech and Chong smoke pot!" My point is this - a dumbass staff member called the law because these kids were drinking. They broke the law and some kind of UMaine regulation, I'm sure, so some sort of punishment has to be meted out. I'm fine with that. But the dumbasses at the newspaper chose to present this as a "news" story and name the offending teens in the story. What the hell is wrong with those dumbasses at the BDN ? A) I have real news for the weenies at the paper. Listen carefully. Teens sometimes drink beer and liquor while they are at college! B) You dipsticks at the Bangor Daily News are dumbasses for printing the names of these young people for breaking a relatively minor law. If they were drinking and driving, then plaster their names all over the place! If they were being disruptive to their fellow students in the dorm, then, I don't know, maybe knock on the door and tell them to shut the frak up! If alocohol was discovered at that point, confiscate it and report the students to the proper University officials and their parents, but for cryin' out loud, don't call the cops unless some or all of the above mentioned solutions have been employed. Please note that I am going only by the information in the newspaper article which mentions nothing of the methods I listed as possible problem solvers. I'm not raggin' on the staff at UMaine, they did what they thought was the right thing. With the info I have at my fingertips, I think it was stupid. But the real dumbasses in this incident are the knotheads at the BDN for printing this story in the first place and putting the kids names in the paper over such a stupid stunt. Having the cops called on the students certainly scared the hell out of them, but I think a talk with the Dean (or whoever) and their parents, you know the people who pay the tuition, would have been the more sensible thing to do in this case. I know that my Dad would have put the fear of God in me if I pulled this little trick and it would not have happened again. I know that the cops would not have beat my ass (metaphorically speaking), but Dad would have. Talk about being scared straight. A semester on a limited allowance and no car would seem like being banished to New Jersey or some other foreign place.

A word to the students in this mess: Don't be drinking on school property if you are not of age. That's a dumbass thing to do. Or if you do, don't get caught. I was just kidding on that one.
A word to the dorm staff in this mess: Lighten up, Francis.
A word to the Bangor Daily News: Report some real news. Dumbasses.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Dumbass Vampires!

There is evidently an upswing in vampirism in the United States. A bing search of the term "vampires in the usa" yielded an incredible 57,470,000 results, where "dumbasses in the usa" yielded only 287,000 results. Personally, having traveled this country from coast to coast and from Canada to Mexico, I feel like dumbasses have been short changed. I have met thoudsands of dumbasses, but not one vampire. It follows, according to my experience, that all vampires are dumbasses, but not all dumbasses are vampires. Today's little excursion into dumbassery involves a dumbass, who is not a vampire, and two dumbass vampires.

Here's the deal: This 25 year old guy, Robert Maley, has two roommates who are vampires. He knew this little tidbit of information when they all became roommates. As a matter of fact, Maley had, at least once, allowed his roomies to drink his blood! At this point, I think it's safe to say that Maley is a dumbass. I have a saying that goes like this: "feed 'em and they come back". Until now, I was referring to animals and people. If you leave food for a wild animal of any kind, squirrels, raccoons, birds, etc., then they will return to the place where the easy grub was. Same goes for vampires...give 'em just one teensy taste of your blood and they want more! Just ask Robert Maley. Recently when his dumbass vampire friends wanted to have another sip of his blood, he said "no". Well...being the good dumbass vampires they are, Robert's friends would not take "no" for an answer. So one them stabbed him for making fun of him (the dumbass friend) for being a vampire. I gotta admit that is one way to get blood from an unwilling party. That is also a felony! It ends up that Robert Maley was treated for his wounds and the two dumbass vampire friends were treated like felons, earning free room and board at the county lockup, with a stay at the State Pen not too far into the future.To top it all off, Maley was arrested for a probation violation, thus cementing his place in dumbassery.

All of this took place in Arizona, which is a great place to live...unless you are a dumbass vampire. Or a dumbass who knowingly lives with vampires, which has got to suck.  :)

Monday, October 11, 2010

Trojan Whores(es)

There is a sure-fire new criterium for choosing a college for your kids. Once I tell you about this amazing school-choosing tool, you'll quickly dismiss things such as graduation rates and curriculum as old fashioned and unnecessary. And to think, this new factor in determining an institution of higher learning for your kid (and your hard-earned money) has been right in front of you (pun intended, you'll see why in a second) The answer to this age old question is condoms! See? I told you the answer was right in front of you. But I digress. Those dumbass bastions of virtue at Trojan Condoms have, at great expense (and free samples, I'm sure), done a study that, with great fanfare, has ranked the thirteen colleges in the United States that are the most "sexually healthy" in the whole damn country! Now that's a study we can all get behind! Another pun! I am on a roll! I ain't makin' this stuff up. Here's a short paragraph directly from the article on "Trojan. The condom giant just released its fifth annual Sexual Health Report Card, which looked at 141 colleges and ranked them according to the quality and accessibility of their sexual health resources. The report zeroes in on 12 categories ranging from contraceptive availability and STD testing to sexual assault programs, according to a news release. Each school was given a "GPA" based on its average in the areas, with 4.0, naturally, being the highest possible rating." I know I feel much better now that Trojan is on the ball.

I am going to present the rankings exactly as they appear in the Parent Dish article.You might need a stiff drink (another pun! hahahahaha) after reading this, so prepare yourself. I hate to copy and paste too much, but if I didn't, you'd think I was drunk or something. Here's what I mean: "Columbia University in New York City topped the honor roll with a 3.70, distinguishing itself with Go Ask Alice, a comprehensive website that allows students to submit questions anonymously. Current topics span the health scope: "Keeping the flow with a condom," "Numbing lube safety for anal sex" and "Quick and healthy bag lunches."

Michigan State was ranked second with a 3.61, followed by Ohio State University. Also making the honor roll: University of Michigan, 3.55; Brown University, 3.50; University of Iowa, 3.49; University of Oregon, 3.44; Princeton University, 3.41; Rutgers, 3,38; University of Minnesota, 3.37; Western Michigan University, 3.28; Cornell, 3.22; and Yale, 3.17." See? You would have thought I was hammered! I guess that all the fine Universities of the South must be sexually unhealthy. There's not one in the Top 13! Dumbass Rednecks! I am telling you people of the South to get busy with the cousin' humpin' You are losing out to a bunch of Yankees for Pete's sake! Oh, wait. Could it be that many colleges in the South are more conservative than their more "enlightened" (read : liberal) Northern brethren and sex before marriage is not something to be condoned? I mean, many places pass out free hypodermic needles to drug users and miraculously all intravenous drug use and the spread of aids have stopped! Oh, that's right they haven't. What a dumbass I am. I must admit that I am , by virtue of this study, more well-prepared to have a frank talk with my daughters about condom usage and "keeping the flow" as well as the use of 'numbing lube safety for anal sex". Abstinence, schmabstinence. Who needs to wait to be married to have sex? Use a condom and some ass-numbing lube and be sexually liberated! Excuse me while I go puke. Dumbasses.

**Photo from**

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Dear Dead Person: We Have a Check For You, Signed US Govt.

Hey! I got my check, did you?
By many accounts, the stimulus package passed by the US Congress in February, 2009, has been an unmitigated dumbass move. Nineteen months after this monstrosity got the Congressional Okie Dokie, unemployment remains above 9.5 per cent, home foreclosures continue unabated and consumer confidence in the economy is almost nonexistent. How, oh, how could Congress frak things up any more than they already have? Just when you thought the answer was "things are FUBAR'ed", our elected dumbasses come to the "resuce" with something even more stupid! Yes, America, members of our national government have been working overtime to figure out new ways to flush your tax dollars down the old crapper, and, dammit, they are doing a damn fine job of it.

The Federal Dumbasses at the Social Security Administration sent out stimulus checks at $250 a pop to 89,000 DEAD or INCARCERATED people! That's $22,250,000 - twenty-two million two hundred fifty thousand dollars- to dead people and dumbasses in jail. It appears that the idiots at the SSA did not check their records to eliminate dead people and some inmates from the list of fifty-two million Americans the checks were supposed to go to.

Some of the dead people had not collected benefits in over thirty years and some would be 136 years old had they lived! Here's what some spokesdumbass from the SSA said, "Inaccurate payments are unacceptable. Social Security's Recovery Act payments were 99.8 percent accurate, and we quickly collected the majority of the inaccurate payments," SSA spokesman Mark Lassiter said. Being the inquisitive fellow that I am, I wondered to myself, "what is a "majority" of the inaccurate payments?" 70%? 75%? No! When the spokesdumbass said "majority", he meant "majority", as in just over half! According to my math, that leaves somewhere in the neighborhood of eleven million dollars of your money that some dead guy or criminal is spending for God knows what. For some silly reason, I think the dead guys and crooks are more qualified to figure out what to do with eleven mil than our elected dumbasses. Unless the dead guys are from Chicago. Those are the ones I don't trust.


**hat tip to**

Thursday, October 7, 2010

D.A. Is For Dumbass

D A is For Dumbass**
I'm sure you are familiar with the term "sexting". If not, sexting involves two (or more, if you're a dumbass) people who send sexy text messages and/or steamy photos to each other via their cell phones. Hardly a day goes by that you don't hear or read something about two (or more, if you're a dumbass) people sexting each other and said sexting often end with either tragic or flat funny consequences. This story has both tragedy and comedy involving sexting! A dumbass two-fer! And all this dumbassery is courtesy of a one man. But wait there's more! The man is a District Attorney! Just when you think this guy is dumbass enough, he takes his dumbassery to a level, the likes of which have never before been seen in all of Dumbassdom.

"So what?", you ask. "Maybe the guy was getting his jollies by sexting his trophy wife and telling he what he'd like to do to her with a turkey baster, chocolate syrup and an egg beater." I would answer that if the dumbass wants to make a chocolate omelet out of his old lady, then good for him. And maybe good for her. He could make and sell videos of it for all I care. Or do an infomercial that airs at 2AM on Skinemax. What consenting adults do in there spare time is none of my bidness. The keyword is the previous statement is consenting.

You see, the dumbass in our story was not sexting his culinary desires to his wife, but to a victim of domestic abuse in a case that he was prosecuting! I.Kid.You.Not. Among the the offending sexts was this peach, “Are u the kind of girl that likes secret contact with an older married elected DA...the riskier the better?” Risky, hell! Career suicide maybe, dumbass. It has since come to light that the dumbass in question, Ken Kratz, has exhibited this kind of behavior before! Kratz sent similar sexts to another domestic violence victim and in one of them offered to help her write her victim impact statement in exchange for doing the horizontal hula with him.

The expected public outcry ensued and so did Mr. Kratz's resignation in which did the obligatory I'm sorry and apologize to my wife, kids, etc. He then did what any elected dumbass would do in order to garner sympathy make amends, he went into counseling. I agree that he should get jail! Hey, Ken, if you want to experience "domestic violence" first hand, being a prison bitch to a lifer named Leon would be a step in the right direction. I'm sure that you could brush up on your banjo playing while the tune to Deliverance plays in your mind over and over and over for 10-15 years. Dumbass.

**Photo from**

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Here it is Humpday. You are at work with the weekend staring you in the face and you are stuck at a job that keeps you from important things in life like your family, cooking out, beer, fishing , beer, fishing and beer and, oh yeah, your family. Then more beer to deal with your family. I feel for you, so I thought it would be a good time to bring you some news that will undoubtedly brighten your day. Better still, if you get down in the mouth or bored at the job, you can always return to this page, read this story once (or twice) more and, like magic, you will be uplifted all over again! Let's shake off those Monday blues with this item guaranteed to bring a smile to your otherwise I-look-like-I-just-found-out-that-my-wife-threw-away-a-winning-SuperLotto-ticket-worth-$60-million face. Onward and upward we go. :

  • Our inspirational tale comes to us from Waco. For those of you who are not familiar with Waco, it is a very conservative town. Waco is home to Baylor University, the oldest university in Texas, and Baylor is a Baptist college, i.e., Waco is a very conservative city. Knowing this is true, to me at least, means that if you ever have to go through the criminal justice system, chances are that the jury of your peers hearing your case would be made up of very conservative (read: law and order types) people. To not realize this fact, you would have to be a dumbass. Leon Willis Wilkerson, 55, is a dumbass of the highest order. I mean this guy was beat with the Dumbass Stick. A lot. Here's why : Leon has been through courts in McClennan County before - to the tune of twelve(!) misdemeanors and eight felonies! But, wait! There's more! Our new friend Leon is a smoker. He was jonesing for a butt so bad, he stole a carton of cigarettes from a local store in Waco and got busted. This time, Leon's journey through the legal system ended quite badly for him. Ol' Leon ran into a jury of nice, conservative Baptists and those 12 people were nice enough to slap Mr. Wilkerson with 99 years in prison! For a carton of smokes! How dare they! Oh, wait. There were those eight other pesky felonies and twelve misdemeanors Leon had racked up. Being the nice, conservative Baptist people that they are, they determined Leon to be a habitual criminal - hence 99 years in the slammer. That's 9.9 years per pack of Newports there, Leon.  I have a sneaky feeling that Leon will be smoking in prison, but it won't be Newports, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Dumbass.
This little anecdote should be your inspiration to have a great Monday. Your boss may suck, you may be extremely tired or you could be suffering from allergies or something, but things could be worse. You could be Leon. And Leon is a dumbass.

*From KDFW-TV, Dallas

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

PETA, Dumbasses and Dancing Shrimp


Let me state this up front. I think the vast majority of people who are members of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) are dumbasses. Having said that, I know there are people in the organization who truly believe in PETA's mission of stopping animal cruelty, and they do so legally and non-violently. I agree with these people 100%. Anybody who deliberately abuses an animal through acts of violence, starvation, neglect or whatever, should be punished to the full extent of the law. I am not talking about hunting or fishing, as the overwhelming number of these sportsmen obey applicable rules and regulations regarding their harvesting of animals or fish. Those outdoorsmen who do break the rules and regs concerning their sport, should also be punished according to the law. Now that that has been cleared up...

PETA has proven many times in the past to be a bunch of hypocritical Dumbasses. Just click the previous link for stories regarding unlawful and sometimes violent behavior perpetrated by its members. And that link is the result of just one simple bing search. I won't go into detail here, so just take a minute to see for yourself at the link.

Well, it looks like the dumbasses at PETA are at it again.

They have found something else to exercise control over, and make no mistake PETA is all about controlling the behavior of others because anyone that disagrees with them is a target of ridicule and scorn, or worse.

Here's the deal: this restaurant in California (go figure) has an item on their menu called "dancing shrimp" and Aol News says, "The "dancing prawn" dish features live prawns with their shells ripped off. When diners squeeze the lemon, the prawns react as you might in that situation: with a great big "ouch" reflex." In other words, shrimp feel pain and PETA wants the "dancing shrimp" off the menu.
  •  Point number one; anybody who eats a live shrimp is a Dumbass. 
  • Point number two: why the hell is it any of PETA's business if this place serves "dancing shrimp" or not? Now, if the restaurant served, say, kittens in this manner, I'd side with PETA in a heartbeat. But we are talking shrimp here! Again, I wouldn't eat a live shrimp to save my Mama's life and people who do are a screwed up bunch. But PETA puts their nose in a small businessman's business, screams , hollers and Lord knows what else and he caves in like a sand tunnel. 
What option does have? He's just one guy with one restaurant and PETA is a big organization with tons of money from like-minded Dumbasses who "care" for the shrimp. Hey, PETA! Do unborn babies feel pain, too? If you are satisfied that they do, do you wanna save them, too?
Just askin'.


Monday, October 4, 2010

Dumbasses Are 3 for 1 Today!

A Lawnmower and Its Dumbass*
What's with the overstock of dumbasses in Florida these days? Yesterday, in Manatee, Florida, we had a guy who tried to hide some crack cocaine in his ass crack. Today our dumbass, Charles McDaniel, is in the Tampa Bay Area. However, McDaniel is not trying hide crack in his crack. He is attempting to escape from police with his ass planted firmly on a riding lawnmower! Here's the deal: Tampa Bay law enforcement got a tip that McDaniel was concealing stolen property in his home. During the service of the search warrant, somebody notified the cops that McDaniel was fleeing the scene on a riding lawnmower! Zipping along at the lightning speed of about 7 miles per hour, McDaniel was soon apprehended by the local constabulary, who were giving pursuit in patrol cars equipped with highly modified, 400 horsepower V-8s. Good ol' Chuck was arrested and charged with a bucket full of felonies and being a dumbass. End of story, right? Wrong. The highly-trained and professional "journalists" at needed to add perspective to this story, so they found a guy who sets land speed records on, you've got it, riding lawnmowers! What.The.Frak? This sort of insight is invaluable to the average newspaper reader. Mr. and Mrs. Average Newspaper Reader would never believe that cops with high performance squad cars could catch a dumbass trying to escape them on a riding lawnmower, so the reporters of this story contact a dumbass named Bobby Cleveland, who has done 96.5 mph on a souped up John Deere who says brilliant things like "You could get it to about 7 or 8 miles per hour -- max." Then Mr. Dumbass Hot Rod Lawnmower Riding Guy gives us this pearl of wisdom, "It's not an escape vehicle," he said. "You're sitting up there too high, so there's nowhere to hide. And they're just a little too slow..."
No shit, Briggs and Stratton breath. We have established the fact that Charles McDaniel is a dumbass for trying to elude police on a riding lawnmomwer, but now we have two more dumbasses in this story. Hot Rod John Deere Guy and those Mensa Members at Here's what I think: anybody that rides a lawnmower at 96.5 mph is a dumbass. But this maroon is probably a product of the public school system, so I'll cut him a break. On the other hand,we have the reporters at They took up valuable company time costing who knows how much to actually search for Souped Up Lawn Mower Dumbass for his "professional opinion" on why Charles McDaniel is a dumbass for fleeing the fuzz on a riding lawnmower! Now that's dumbassery at its best. Hell, the reporter dumbasses could have picked any name out of the Tampa phone book and gotten the same observations. Is it any wonder that the American citizenry holds the main stream media in such low regard? The Dumbass runs thick in Tampa Bay. You'd need a new John Deere just to cut through it. Dumbasses.

**Photo from Aol News**

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Dumbass Gives New Meaning to Crack Cocaine

If you are ever in Manatee, Florida, stay away from Raymond Stanley Roberts. He is a dumbass. Raymond was driving down the street at 8:40 AM in his Hyundai when Manatee County Sheriff's Deputies were going the opposite direction on the same road. Nothing unusual there...until the cops noticed a strong odor of marijuana coming from Roberts' car...while they were driving the opposite direction! From what I understand, that has got to be some heavy duty pot. I mean it's one thing to walk up to somebody's car and detect the strong odor of weed when they roll down the window. but driving down the road in the opposite direction? You get my drift, pun intended. The law hangs a u-ey then pull Roberts over and upon further inspection discover that he's holding a small amount of some obviously very good pot. He even admitted that he had the pot but denied he was in possession of anything else illegal. That is until the crack cocaine fell out of his ass crack! When the bag full of crack fell out of his ass Roberts, failing to the irony of it all, told the cops,“The white stuff is not mine, but the weed is.” He then stated that his friend had borrowed the vehicle before and he saw the cocaine on the passenger seat when he was pulled over." Then he stuffed it in his ass crack. I can only add that it's a good thing it wasn't a brick of crack cocaine. Numb ass. Dumbass.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Tattoos Are Forever, Dumbass

The scenario: a dumbass is listening to the local rock radio station in Davenport, Iowa. The disc jockey on the air comes up with a real dumbass promotion. DJ Dumbass says the radio station will pay six figures to anyone who gets the station logo tattooed to his forehead! The dumbass listener, David Winkelman, hauls ass to the local tattoo shop and gets the station logo tattoo on his forehead! But wait, there's more! Winkelman has a stepson that's as big a dumbass as he is. Richard Goddard, the stepson dumbass, got the tattoo also! In my capacity as Official Decider of Dumbassery, I have determined that there is a boatload of dumbass in the Winkelman household. But, just when you thought things couldn't get more bizarre, they do. I mean these guys are putting six pounds of dumbass in a five pound bag. Remember the dumbass DJ who started this whole mess with the promise of a six figure prize to dumbasses like Winkelman and Goddard for getting the station logo tattooed on their foreheads? He was joking! Hardy frakkin' har har. Do I smell a lawsuit here? Why, yes I do! Winkelman sued the station and eventually the suit was dismissed. Fastforward ten years. Winkelman was recently arrested and his mugshot showed that he still has that damn tatto! What about the radio station  in question? As is wont to happen in the radio business (trust me on this one, folks), they changed formats and call letters! Now, that's funny! And David Winkelman is still a dumbass.
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