Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: September 2010 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Dumbass Parents and Coaches Ruin Pee Wee Football Season for Kids

WARNING: GRAPHIC LANGUAGE AHEAD! What the fuck?! My wife came across this story on Aol News. Recently in Pearland, just south  of Houston, there was a Pee Wee football game that ended up looking like a bunch of pussy European soccer fans rioting over that dumbass game they are so attached to. Instead, it was a bunch of pussies I am ashamed to call Texans that did the riot thing. At a Pee Wee Football Game! Here's the video. Prepare yourself to be disgusted and pissed off. Thanks to the dumbass actions of the so-called adults in charge of these kids' football teams, both teams have been disqualified from participating in the league playoffs. What kind of dumbass sets this kind of example for our young people? I feel like flying to Houston to find these dickweeds and kicking all their "adult" asses or buying them all a plane ticket to fucking Paris where nobody fights because they are too pussy to stand up for themselves. You "coaches" and "parents" will be all the rage over there, you can kick 100,000 French asses and be the fucking Big Dogs. Dumbasses. One of the young men on one of the teams, Justin Robinson, was more adult than any of the dumb fucks involved in the brawl when he said, "I still can't believe they, the coaches actually did that in front of us because that just sets a bad example for us." Justin, you make me proud, son. You are a true Texan and a fine young man.

LET'S HELP THE KIDS! I am going to do some phone work tomorrow and do what I can to set up a fund for the kids on the teams to receive a trophy for their sportsmanship during this sad display by their elders. I want to let them know how proud of them we are for being fine young men. I'll fill you in as I get this thing rolling.

Dumbass In Utah Has Four Wives! Reality TV and Hilarity Ensue

The Dumbass Five
I have a confession to make. I like reality TV. There, I said it. Operation;Repo? I'm all in. Any show that has as its star a 300 pound Puerto Rican (his own words) and a muscle-bound white guy whose IQ is the same as his bicep size has got to be good. And it is. Hell's Kitchen? Hell yeah. I have seen many reality shows from the dancing ones to the ones with those poor souls looking for love. One I have not seen, however, is Sister Wives. As a matter of fact, until about 15 minutes ago, I had never even heard of it. Evidently it's about a polygamous "family", a guy with four wives living in Utah. Why any man would want more than one wife at a time is beyond me, and in my opinion makes this guy a dumbass, no matter what. But the magnitude of dumbass goes up exponentially when you choose to put your polygamous lifestyle on cable TV! Who would have thunk that some anti-polygamy asshole would take offense to such a thing and call the law? But the bigots (<---that's sarcasm) won the day and the local authorities were notified. Lt. Darren Paul says, “Admittedly, [the investigation] was brought on by the publicity surrounding the show,” Paul said. “It’s rare because most of the time people don’t bring this kind of attention onto themselves. But it is a state law, and we’re going to investigate it.” As it turns out this is a felony, but the supporters of bigamy in Utah (go figure) are rallying to the defense of the dumbass and his four dumbass wives: The law puts police in a position where they have no choice but to investigate “upstanding families” who aren’t breaking any other laws, said Anne Wilde, cofounder of Principle Voices, a plural marriage advocacy group.“This just shows all the more reason the crime needs to be reduced ... so that this doesn’t happen to consenting adults,” she said. “We have a right to form our families in the way we select, just like all the other alternative-lifestyle families in the U.S. — which, by the way, are more than 50 percent of all families.” If what Ms. Wilde says is true, then half of this country is either Polygamists, gay or Democrat.  Do the math.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Hello, 911? Somebody Stole My Jacket, My Cash and My Pot!

I have a standing rule that if I'm at a bar having a beer or five, that I don't call the police, unless, of course, a serious crime has been committed. Like a shooting or stabbing or the bartender is shorting me on my tequila shots. But that's just me. If someone is too inebriated to drive, most bartenders will be happy to call a cab for you, so you're not a danger to the public as a drunk driver. However, some people are a danger to society just for breathing. You know the type - dumbasses - dumbasses like Calvin Hoover of Salem, Oregon. Calvin was at a place called the Free Loader Tavern getting all FUBAR'ed (f**cked up beyond all recognition), when he noticed his Carhartt jacket with $400 cash in it was missing from his truck. Now that's a good enough reason to call the fuzz to the bar. Calvin called 911 and reported his jacket and cash missing but he also added an item to the list of pilfered goods - his marijuana! Calvin is a dumbass. The cops went to the bar and to Hoover's home but they couldn't locate him. So, about an hour later, Calvin called 911 again. This time he was driving his truck and when police found him he was walking down the street near his truck "looking for the people who stole his weed"! He actually told the cops that was what he was doing! That's two dumbass strikes on ol' Calvin. He pulled the Dumbass Trifecta when the cops noticed he was drunk and had been driving and Calvin was invited to spend the night at the Salem Jail. I guess it could've been worse. Calvin could have found his pot and been busted for that too. Reporting a stolen jacket and cash is all well and good, but next time, Calvin, leave out the part about the pot. And don't be drunk. Dumbass.

Monday, September 27, 2010

From Stinky Feet to Felon

There are some things that men just don't say to women, regardless of what reality is. The one that leaps to mind is, "That dress makes your ass look like two pigs in a tow sack fightin' to get out." Bad form, Old Boy. Never tell a woman her ass looks like "two pigs in a tow sack". That's just plain dumbass. A new addition to the "Things a Man Doesn't Tell a Woman the Truth About List" is that her feet are, shall we say, less than aromatic, especially if she has been partaking of the demon rum. Case in point: A 19 year old male dumbass, whose name was not mentioned in this article, is expected to recover from a stab wound to the back inflicted by Dallas Amber Smith, soon to be convicted felon dumbass.

Here's the deal: The young male dumbass and Dallas Amber Smith were hanging out with some friends and drinking. Our girl Dallas was challenged by another drunk minor to do a back flip. Dallas removed her shoes and was psyching herself up to do a backflip, which if unsuccessful would have resulted in the loss of a few teeth upon her face impacting the ground, great embarrassment and a spot on Dumbass News. Dallas Amber Smith never attempted the backflip. Why? The previously-mentioned 19 year old male dumbass told her that her feet stank and as you may have deduced by now, Dallas took offense to it. Then she got mad. The facts of the story are a bit hazy at this point, but we do know that the police were called. What is not hazy is the fact that Dallas Amber Smith hated being told that her feet stink so much that she buried a steak knife several inches into the 19 year old male dumbass' back! Now Dallas has been charged with second degree assault with a deadly weapon. And the 19 year old male is recovering from his injuries which include a collapsed lung and a severe case of The Dumbass.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Taking a Dive

The guy in the photo is a criminal. Bank robber? Nope. Embezzler? Try again. This man, Gary Moody, is a convicted "toilet pit climber". And a dumbass. I was intrigued by the term "toilet pit climber", so as a Professional Blogging Guy, it is my sworn at duty to get to the, er, uh, bottom of this. As you may have guessed by now Our Friend Gary likes to climb into the pits of outhouses! Gary is a Doo Doo Diver!. But!, you say, maybe Gary was plastered one time and did something extremely stupid - and disgusting. I wish that I could report to you that this is the case, but NO! Gary Moody is a Serial Doo Doo Diver! And a Serial Dumbass! Recently Ol' Gare was spotted by a nine year old boy after a successful session of doo doo diving, Gary's second known outhouse pit diving expedition. In 2005, Moody pleaded no contest to trespassing for the same offense. Since Gary's crime is not quite as common as, say, car theft, he was the first guy the cops went to for answers regarding this incident. The Portland Press Herald notes that special agent with the US Forest Service, William Fors recalled the case from 2005 and told the paper, "Based on the extremely rare nature of this type of activity, the fact that Gary Moody had a previous conviction for the same activity and the fact that Moody had a last known address in the Gardiner, Maine, area, I decided to locate and interview Moody,'' No shit? Good ol' Gary was convicted and sentenced to 30 days, a $1000 fine and $700 restitution to the Forest Service for the cost of pumping out the toilet pit. It seems to me that Gary could have saved himself seven big ones if he'd just asked for a shovel and emptied the pit on his own. Not only could he have saved the cash for himself, he could have done the very thing he loves doing! What more could a criminal ask for? I'm sure that this will be a subject of interest at Gary's kid's next "What Does Your Daddy Do for a Living? Day" at school. Does Gary dare take a Port-O-Potty to the school to demonstrate what Doo Doo Diving is all about? Does he say "doo doo" in front of a class of second graders? Instead of "Doo Doo Diver", should Gary use the term "Feces Farmer" instead? What's a Daddy Doo Doo Diver to do? Here's my bit of wisdom for Mr. Moody : Flush the whole idea. Dumbass.

**Photo from Portland Press Herald

Saturday, September 25, 2010

White Trash Shopping Spree!

Finding material for this website is like taking candy from a baby. It's too easy. There are dumbasses in every corner of the planet. For instance, take Alliance, Ohio, PLEASE! Hahahaha See? I am a dumbass, too. Now back to Alliance, Ohio. Not again! I am on a roll here. hahahaha I'll be here all week. Anyway...in Alliance, Ohio, a guy decides a nice evening of dumpster diving is in order. Maybe he had some last minute anniversary shopping to do and he was trying to get the perfect gift for his wife the easy way. By stealing. From a dumpster. In the middle of the night. From this information alone, I can deduce that the perpetrator, James Brienzo, is a dumbass. The act of dumpster diving alone is not an indictment of being a dumbass. It's when you are dumpster diving and the sanitation company makes its nightly rounds to empty the dumpster and you are still in the dumpster that qualifies you as a dumbass. That's what happened to our boy James. In the middle of his late night White Trash Shopping Spree, James was somewhere in the day old donuts section when whirrrrrrr clllaaaannggg brrrrrrrrrruuuuuppp  suddenly he ends up in the business end of the sanitation truck! But James, like a Boy Scout, is prepared. He has a cell phone! James calls a friend who, in turn, calls the heat. The heat locate the refuse truck that James is in through a GPS. Technology is the shit! The law gets to the truck and are unable to extricate James so, wait.for.it....they order the truck to the nearest dump, where James, along with the anniversary gift he was looking for, was dumped into the landfill and freed! He's in critical condition at local hospital, but the poor bastard is free. I have a suggestion for James and the rest of you who are considering a White Trash Shopping Spree in the middle of the night, Wal Mart is open 24 hours a day! Give it a try. Dumbass.

**Photo from whitetrashwarehouse.com**

Friday, September 24, 2010

There's No Place Like Home (Or Where It Used to Be)

It pains me to say that even my home state of Texas is not immune from the disease that is dumbass-itis. Granted, while they are probably dumbasses from faraway lands, like New Jersey, they are still dumbasses while invading residing in Texas. Here's the deal: the City of Denton had ordered that a house at (fictional address) 10 Main Street be repaired or demolished because of various violations of city codes like unkept lawns and junk cars decorating said unkept lawns. You know, the Fred G. Sanford Yard look. Having given the owner of the property more than adequate notice and warning of what could happen if he failed to comply with city code, the house and yard were never brought up to snuff. The City of Denton then ordered the house to be demolished. The City went through the proper channels and scheduled the demolition of 10 Maine Street. Demolition crews were notified and on the appointed date went to 10 Main Street and began to destroy the house. There was one small problem. The demo guys were given the wrong address! The house that was being torn down was number 11Main Street! Number 10 Main was across the street! Turns out a 69 year old lady who lived at 11 Main had been there for forty-seven years was now homeless. She, fortunately, had a son who lived in nearby Frisco and now lives with him. There is no word as to how the Little Old Lady was compensated for her loss, but I am sure there were plenty of ambulance chasing lawyers who run cheesy ads on TV beating a path to her new door to make sure she's not ripped off. To top it all off, the owner of the house supposed to have been obliterated, had no comment on the turn of events. I  have a comment for you, pal. Are you from New Jersey? Dumbass.

Robin J. Hood, Dumbass

According to legend, Robin Hood of Sherwood Forest, was trying to rectify the disparity of economic circumstances  by taking from the rich and giving to the poor. Where I come from, he's a thief and that needs to be rectified by throwing his dumbass in the slammer for about ten years, where he could discover the disparity between being a free man and a prison bitch. But, that's just the way I roll. Anyway, a guy in Denver actually named Robin Joshua Hood, a dumbass name if nthere ever were one, was caught shoplifting, and now he's rectifying the disparity between dumbasses free to be dumbasses and dumbasses in prison. On top of being a thief, Hood stole another man's ID and used the victim's name to avoid incarceration on a warrant out of Denver for, wait.for.it., drug violations! Not only is Hood a shoplifter and ID thief, he's a dumbass with a drug habit! Hood was busted for shoplifting three baseball caps totaling about $45. Security personnel at Independent Records detained Hood when they caught him swiping the caps. The Denver Police were called and when Hood was searched by the cops, he was in possession of some hypodermic needles and  he freely confessed to using them for heroin! Let's recount some stuff here - Robin Joshua Hood is an ID thief, shoplifter, heroin user, a wanted man and a dumbass. That's a Criminal's Trifecta Plus One! What a guy! It's just a guess, but I'm thinking that the name "Robin" does not exactly cast fear into the hearts and minds of your average prison inmate. Some prisoners might find such a moniker "sexy" and will wanna play a game of "hide and seek" in "Sherwood Forest", if you know what I mean and I think you do. So, Robin, enjoy your stay in the Crossbar Hilton, I hope you make lots of friends in your new environs. One piece of advice before I go, Robin. Maintain a firm grip on the soap, old boy.


Thursday, September 23, 2010

Siesta Dumbass

15 Strikes and you Live Here for Free
One of the cool things about writing on a blog like this is that dumbass never takes a vacation. I mean, how can it? There are over six billion people in this world, so odds are that there should be a few practicing dumbasses. I wish Vegas gave odds like that. For our dive into the dumpster of dumbassery today, we travel to that tropical paradise of Malaysia. A man in the city of Sungnai Nibong, which in Malaysian means "City of Dumbasses", broke into a house while the owners were away. He ransacked the home and gathered up $3000 worth of loot. At this point, a non-dumbass burglar would have left the scene of the crime immediately, but this dumbass is not your ordinary burglar. Or your ordinary dumbass. Instead of robbing the home and leaving, this guy decides to... wait.for.it. take a nap! This gets better. While our sleeping beauty was taking his siesta, the homeowners returned to the house to find a strange car parked in the driveway. The dumbass burglar's car! Upon entering their home, the owners found the dumbass crook asleep in their son's room! The suspect woke up when he was discovered and fled the scene through a bedroom window and was apprehended a short time later. It's not a surprise that this idiot would find trouble. He has fourteen previous convictions for various criminal and drug offenses. Who'd a thunk it? Drugs? This dumbass? To my way of thinking, the bigger dumbasses in regards to this man are the stupid fuckers in the justice system responsible for not putting the dipshit in jail and giving the key the old heave ho. Oh, well...such is life. My advice to any future dumbass crooks out there is : next time you feel the need to break and enter and get the urge to sleep before eluding the authorities, DON'T! Or you, too, could be only fourteen more strikes away from actually going to jail. Dumbass.

Dead Guys and Dumbasses

I'll say it has!
Here at Dumbass News, we go to great lengths to bring you some of the most idiotic, but true, stories to be found on the internet. And believe you me, plagiarizing some one else's work researching our topics ain't as easy as it used to be. (remember we are dumbasses here) Plagiarism Diligent research is how we came across this story. In New York City, driving around town is no picnic and finding a parking space when you arrive at your destination can be very educational. Educational meaning the children in the car with you at that time will learn cuss words and expletives that would make Gordon Ramsey blush. Therefore, when you find a prime parking spot, you'd better hang on to it. And be sure to keep the parking meter fed so you don't end up with a parking citation that will cost you an arm and a leg. Twenty-one year old Nicholas Rappold came up with a novel way to stake claim to his parking place. He died at the wheel of his car in a parking place! Ya gotta give Nic credit, he is, or rather was, very creative in staking claim to his favorite parking place. Now, Nic isn't the main dumbass in this saga. The main dumbass in this little diddy is a cop. Not just any cop, though, the cop who issued a parking ticket to a dead man! The New York Daily News picks it up from there, "Police said the vehicle's windows were heavily tinted and the parking enforcement officer was unable to see inside. Rappold's body was discovered by a friend about an hour after the ticket was issued." This statement reeks of dumbassery. The windows were tinted and the parking cop couldn't see inside is a (pun intended) cop out. Where do the parking cops normally put a citation on a car when they are violating parking laws? The front windshield! And the front windshield cannot, by law, be over-tinted, dumbass. Look in the front windshield! The moment you see a motionless man slumped over the steering wheel of a car, something is out of ordinary. The slumped over man could be sleeping or drunk or, you know, DEAD! Either of these circumstances should arouse at least a modicum of suspicion, unless you are a NYC parking officer. In that case, you just wait for an hour and the dead guy's friend, who happened by, will tell you, "Officer, my friend may be late in paying his parking fine. He's dead." The parking dumbass replies, "Good! He won't park here again on my watch!" No shit, Sherlock. Remember our recent story about the guy passing $100 bills with Abe Licnoln's(!) picture on them to dozens of business and the only one smart enough to see that the bills were fake was a bartender? I suggested sending the dumbasses that took the phony bills go to bartending school to learn about counterfeit money.In this case, maybe all parking cop trainees should be sent to a Coroner School for dumbasses so they can tell whether it's a dead guy , or not who is illegally parked. Not that it matters to the dead guy. By the way, (I am not making this up), the dead guy is off the hook for a hefty parking fine. The City dropped the charges. How sporting of them.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Dumbass Sports!

You dumbass! You farted!
There are few things in this world that come anywhere near leaving me speechless. What I am about to describe to you damn near did it. Human beings,  by their Latin name known as dumbassus erectus, will do almost anything for amusement and/or competition. There are such events as the Calaveras (CA) County Fair and Jumping Frog Jubilee, Watermelon Thump in Luling, Texas, where the biggest attraction is the watermelon seed spitting contest and 35,000 dumbasses people attend each year, and here's a new one to me that recently took place right here in Maine - The North American Wife Carrying Championships!  I mean, we don't get the Olympics, NASCAR, NFL, Major League Baseball and whatnot, but we do make a sport of wife carrying! Just imagine the fun and companionship to be had by dumbass couples from all around the country.

  • Dumbass Wife to Dumbass husband : "Honey, I have just the thing that could save our marriage." 
  • Dumbass Husband : "And that would be what?"
  • Dumbass Wife : "You could carry me!"
  • Dumbass Husband : "I've been doing that for the last 25 years."
  • Dumbass Wife : "No,dear. I mean you could carry me in the North American Wife Carrying Championships!"
  • Dumbass Husband : "You do love me! Our marriage is saved!"
 The object of this dumbass "sport" is to navigate a 278 yard course lined with mud holes and all sorts of fun obstacles like that while carrying your dumbass wife on your back! What fun! The people who participate in dumbass wife carrying are deadly serious about it, why they've even got specialized ways for a man to carry his better half. From ABCNews.com we learn : "Carrying methods include traditional piggyback, the fireman’s carry or something called the “Estonian carry,” said Paula Wheeler, director of development for the Mahoosuc Arts Council, the event’s sponsor." The "Estonian carry" sounds particularly menacing (or pornographic, I ain't sure which). The best thing about this event, besides the certain hilarity that ensues, is what the winner receives as a prize. I.Am.Not.Making.This.Up. His wife's weight in beer! There is a God! It turns out that the dumbass husband totin' around his dumbass wife becomes a dumbass drunk! You now understand what people who live in a place like Maine, where there are about 8 months winter, do during those long cold times. They make up dumbass stuff like wife carrying! And curling, but that's another story for another day. If every married couple in the United States took part in wife carrying, the divorce rate would plummet.The alcoholism rate among married men would skyrocket (see prize for winners), but those men would be happily married drunks. In my view, it all evens out. :) For those of you who are considering wife carrying as a marriage-enhancing tool, I'll leave you with info on the 2011 World Wife Carrying Championships to be held in Finland. I almost forgot that there is a division in this dumbass competition for women who want to carry their husbands! Equal opportunity, you gotta love it. I am curious here, what is the wife's prize if she wins? Her husband's weight in bon bons?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Lady Gaga - Another Celebrity Dumbass

The Next Elton John


The entertainment industry is full of holier-than-thou dumbasses, Sean Penn and Barbra Streisand chief among them. Sean Penn is a self-destructive communist dumbass and Babs is an I'm-better-than-you, peasant, socialist dumbass diva. They are both very good at what they do, but all the talent in the world doesn't and can't cover up the quantity of dumbassery these two idiots come armed with. Sean and Babs, however, represent the old guard communist/socialist assholes of Hollywood. That means that a whole new generation of Hollywood/entertainment industry dumbasses must step up and spread the Liberal crap that millions of adoring dumbass fans await breathlessly to hear from their "betters". Enter Lady Gooey Gooey, er, uh, Lady Gaga, ready and willing to pick up the torch of dumbassery and shine its light on all the evils that infest America. For instance, Lady (is that her first name and her last name is Gaga?) is now the water carrier for the 'Repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell" anti-military gasbags who know what's better for the military than all those pesky Generals and Sergeants and such, many of whom have made serving their country a llifetime commitment. That's kinda like me telling Tiger Woods that he's got a hitch in his swing. I mean I have seen golf on TV and I've even played the game several hundred times, so that qualifies me as a PGA Tour player! Who knew? Anyway, Ms. Gaga was recently in Portland, Maine speaking to a bunch of the Liberal dumbasses and ex-servicemen who were kicked out of the Military for openly being gay while in the service. It's her right as an American to speak all the tripe she wants to just about anywhere she wants to do so. Same for the gay guys. I have a few problems with this rally, however. Or more accurately, I have a few problems with what was said at this rally. Lady wants gays to serve in the military and be able to openly express their sexuality. This from azcentral.com, "Lady Gaga railed against what she called the injustice of having goodhearted gay soldiers booted from military service while straight soldiers who harbor hatred toward gays are allowed to fight for their country. She suggested a new policy should target straight soldiers who are "uncomfortable" with gay soldiers in their midst. "Our new law is called 'If you don't like it, go home!'" she said. Sending all the straight soldiers home who back DADT is her solution? Are.You.Kidding.Me.? How can we kill the bad guys if the straight soldiers go home? Are the gay guys supposed to beat Islamic terrorists into submission with their purses? Or hair dryers? This is WAR, dumbass! I have no problem with gays serving in the military, but it seems to me that if DADT was good enough for sixteen years under a Democrat and a Republican President and the main guys in the military think it's a good idea, it's probably a good idea. I defer to them on this matter. I wonder how much military experience Lady Gooey Gooey has? Oh, that's right. None! As for the amount of experience she has at being gay, I don't ask and she don't tell. I can tell you, however, that she has twenty four years experience (she's 24) at being a dumbass. This rally and Lady G's appearance at it was to put pressure on Maine's two Senators to repeal the current policy. I'm almost certain that Sens. Snowe and Collins stay up at night trying to figure out ways to get the Lady Gaga vote. Allow me to be serious for a moment, please. I could give a rat's ass about who has sex with whom, as long as the two individuals (or more in some cases) are of legal age and the boinking is consensual. Any ramifications for that decision are between God and the aforementioned people. However, if it distracts a service member(s) from doing his duty to his country, I have a large problem with what Lady Gong Show proposes. When called upon, men and women in the armed forces are going to be put into some very tedious situations, real life and death stuff where a split second of indecision can make his/her spouse a widow(er). If the military Brass says, don't ask, don't tell, then STFU and be a soldier dammit! That's OK by me. As for Lady Gaga, just shut up and sing. And get a new schtick, it's getting difficult to tell you and Elton John apart. Dumbass.


And The Dumbass of The Day Is...

Usually when we do a story like the one you are a bout to read, the Dumbass of the Story is easy to spot. However, today we are tasked with picking our Dumbass from a group of Dumbass wannabes! So, gather the family around whatever it is you gather your family around,  read the story and make a group decision! Take a vote and those who correctly guess who the Dumbass is will get a treat, such as an ice cream cone! Those who name the wrong person as the Dumbass of the Story will become Honorary Dumbasses themselves! It's a win-win situation! Here's today's Dumbass Story:
  • Earl Devine of Lafayette, Indiana recently decided that he needed some money. So, instead of getting a job and earning some cash flow the old fashion way, Earl chose to take another path. He printed his own money! Counterfeiting is certainly a step in the right direction of becoming a dumbass, but our friend Earl went above and beyond the call of Dumbass Duty when he printed some fake $100 bills with Abraham Lincoln's face on them! I am certainly no expert on everything that is on a $100 bill, but I do know that Honest Abe ain't supposed to be on one. Ratcheting up the dumbass to new levels, Earl went on a spending spree with the fake bills (here's where our 2nd Dumbass of the Day nominee comes in)  and fooled several merchants in town! Now this turn of events begs a question: What.The.Fuck?! I can only surmise that these "merchants" were products of the Lafayette Public School System. I can also surmise that the Lafayette Public Schools are run by dumbasses. I'm sure that, as we speak, the Superintendent of Lafayette schools is on the phone with the federal Department of Education pleading for more of our tax dollars to pay dumbass teachers more money to "educate" and graduate more dumbasses like these "merchants". Good work if you can find it, I guess. Earl's life of crime came to an abrupt halt when a bartender(!), who is probably not a former student of Lafayette schools, realized he had been paid with a phony $100 bill. He called the cops and soon thereafter Earl became a guest of the Lafayette Criminal Justice System. This story gets.even.better. When asked about the funny money by the local bird cage liner, "Detectives called the bills “excellent fakes” in spite of other errors, such as red and blue dots that suggested the bill was printed from an inkjet printer". It's now painfully clear to me that at least one detective is, like Earl and several local "merchants", a product of Lafayette schools. I just can't, and won't, label the entirety of the LPD as dumbasses, but one of their detectives is the third nominee for the coveted Dumbass of the Day Award. In fairness to the local "merchants" I mentioned above, several other businesses in town and neighboring West Lafayette also received fake cash from Earl, so what the hell, they are potential dumbasses, too. 
Here's my take: The whole damn town of Lafayette, Indiana is loaded with dumbasses. Having said that, I guess I won't be getting a "Welcome to Lafayette" package from the Greater Lafayette Chamaber of Commerce should I ever decide to move there. I'll scratch Lafayette, Indiana off my "Where to Retire List". Getting back to our story, the detective who made the "excellent fakes" comment about the $100 bills with Abe Lincoln on them, is not our Dumbass of the Day. This guy's job is tough enough without being tagged a dumbass, a moron maybe, but not a dumbass. As for the educators in the Lafayette School District, they are probably members of some teachers' union, so they can't be blamed for Earl's level of dumbassery, they just do whatever the Union tells them to do. Being members of a  teachers' union is approaching Dumbassville, but the teachers, like the fuzz, have a thankless job and at least they are consistently churning out quality dumbasses like Earl. The process of elimination leaves us with no other choice, as if there was another choice, but to crown Earl as today's Dumbass of the Day! Earl, you can pick up your award in 10-15 years. In regards to the apparent Dumbass Epidemic in Lafayette, Indiana, I have a brilliant solution. Make it a mandatory part of certifying teachers and law enforcement personnel, that they go to bartending school before being accredited by the State of Indiana as a public servant. It seems that the bartender that busted Earl is the only one that knows that Lincoln is not on a $100 bill. Everyone knows he's on the fifty.

Monday, September 20, 2010

A Night Off (UPDATED)

Hi, I'm Susie and I'm a Dumbass
See the young lady in the photo? She is a dumbass. Probably a very nice young lady, but a dumbass none the less. Why so harsh? Let me splain. This young woman, who we'll call Susie, has a steady boyfriend (David) of a few years. So far, so good. Until they started drinking. Then the fun began. David asked an alcohol-fueled question of Susie,
"If you could have sex with anyone in the world, who would it be?" he asked me.
"You," I replied.
"Other than me."
-This witty drunken repartee led to this Dr. Phil moment when David, ever the horn dawg, came up with this beauty, "If I cheated would you consider it an unforgivable offense?" David asked me, that fateful night, as we sat, a bit sloshed, on our couch."  Susie responded, "Depends". You can see where this is going. A few months later, after engaging in "a night off" with another chick, these two extreme dumbasses were in bed when "suddenly David put his hands to his face and said, as if in one breath: "I cheated on you and I'm scared to tell you because I'm afraid you're going to get mad at me, and cry, and break up with me." No shit, Sherlock. Not only is David a dumbass, he's a pansy too. Ol' Dave confessed to his transgression, but, Susie the Understanding Dumbass, decided that it was OK for David to have a "night off" banging some other broad. After all, they had discussed it beforehand.  At this point in our story, I can no longer add anything to it without quoting Susie verbatim for the rest of the story. In Susie's own words :
I felt like he was being honest. OK, he may have spent a few days -- or weeks -- thinking about it before telling me ... but, I thought, everyone is entitled to a little privacy. Besides, it was a true one night stand.

As far as I was concerned, in terms of how "nights off" might go, his was ideal. As ideal as that situation can be. He had stepped out of the relationship and hated it. I didn't know until after it happened, and he wanted everything to go back to the way it had been between us before. I couldn't have written the movie script better myself. I mean, I had told him months earlier that I could forgive such a transgression under the right circumstances, and these seemed like the right circumstances to me. 

Today, several years later, I'm older and wiser -- and David and I did break up a couple of years later, but not because of this. In retrospect ... I still kind of feel the same way I did that day. In my opinion, a relationship isn't sex. Sex is important, but it's not the end of the world, and if someone has sex outside of their relationship, it doesn't have to end the relationship. 

I knew that after David had taken his night off, I could do the same. I mean, what could he say? He'd have to forgive me. But I didn't. I guess I just never met the right person, or was in the right situation, so it never happened. I mean, I didn't want to force it, just to get even. He felt so bad that day, I didn't really have a desire to "get even" anyway. It actually made us closer than ever, so I never really felt the need.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, even in one relationship, no two situations are the same. Should you take a night off from each other? I don't know -- you'd have to talk with your lover to decide if it's right for you. Do I think it can help a relationship? Yeah, I do. I think it can settle a curious mind. If you end up breaking up ... well, to me, that's just fate, and it was meant to happen anyway. No matter what you do, you can't make a bad relationship work. In turn, you can't ruin a good relationship with a silly one night stand. Not a real one. We're raised to believe that stepping outside of a relationship is a bad thing ... I don't think it has to be.


To recap: Boy meets girl. They become a couple. They get blasted on Boone's Farm and mutually decide that a "night off" to have sex with whomever is OK. Boy has "night off", then feels like an asshole. Girl, who is a dumbass, says "no problemo", forgives boy and immediately starts to look for some poor, horny dipshit to lay. Girl fails in effort to get laid by horny dipshit, although she was certain Boy would say, "That's OK, honey, you needed a "night off". Several years later, Girl Dumbass still thinks it's OK to have a "night off" in a relationship. Girl is still single and now peruses bus stations for a horny homeless dipshit to have a "night off" with. Girl now does TV commercial for drugs that treat recurring STD's.

What the hell? First off, if I even thought of asking my wife if I could have a "night off", she'd cut off my gazebos with a rusty butter knife. Second off, I have never been drunk enough to ask my wife such a dumbass question. Third off, my wife would cut off my gazebos if I ever got that loaded, "night off" or not. Fourth off, I have grown fond of my gazebos over the last 54 years. Fifth off, my Mama raised me better than that. Sixth off, I am scared of my wife. And seventh off, I am really scared of my wife with a rusty butter knife in her hand when she has "that look" in her eyes.

In conclusion, we have ascertained that David is a sissy, Susie is a Godless skank and a dumbass of the highest order and I value my gazebos. The moral to the story is, guys, that if you and your wife/girlfriend/whatever get inebriated and decide that you need a "night off", hide the rusty butter knives from your wife/girlfriend/whatever. Your gazebos will thank you for it.

hat tip : Aol News
UPDATE: Thanks to The Blogmocracy  for the link!!!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Grand Opening! Dumbass News! Real News From Real Dumbasses!

Welcome to the Grand Opening of Dumbass News! Here, we bring you real news from real dumbasses. Now, two things will come of the fact that you are here right now. The obvious reason is that you are a glutton for punishment, you know, a real dumbass. The other is reason is manifold, actually - several "sub-reasons" as it were. Those sub-reasons include, but are not limited to: typo's. You made a typo in the URL you were looking for. Instead of "busty Asian women looking for dumbass American", you inadvertently typed in "I have too much time on my hands" and ended up at this site. That's a common mistake made by millions of Dumbass-Americans, an ethnicity that has yet to be recognized by the guys at the Treasury Department as a socio-economic group worthy of listing on the census. As a Dumbass-American, I find this sort of discrimination not only an outrage, but offensive to at least 52% of Americans eighteen or older. For the sake of clarity, we'll call these 52%ers "Liberals" or, if you prefer, "Obama voters". But, I digress. Another reason that you are reading this blog at this moment, is that you are drunk on cheap beer. That happens. Next on our list of reasons is you pressed "1" for English in place of "marque el dos for Espanol".  Now that I think about it, if you have read this far into this post, no matter the language, you are beyond being a dumbass and need to seek psychiatric help at once.

Here's the deal: I created this site to make you feel better about yourself. Seriously. I am gonna post some shit on here that's so stupid, you'll feel like you hit the MegaBucks jackpot three times in a row or you'll find religion in a hurry. The Germans have a word for relishing in someone else's misfortune, schadenfreude, which roughly translates to "I don't feel so bad anymore that my house and car have been repo'ed and my wife ran off with a guy that looks like Justin Bieber".

Here's the deal, too: I will make fun of anybody, anytime with the exception of my Mother and Merle Haggard. That's the way I roll.

Here's the deal, III: I will use language that people in "Polite Society" wouldn't dream of using. If "colorful metaphors" offend you, too damn bad. I WILL NOT use the Lord's name in vain as I understand it, meaning the GD word, unless it is a direct quote from a story I write about and is absolutely necessary to the plot. Otherwise, I have given the Good Lord plenty to be mad at me about and I ain't gonna add that to the list.

Here's the deal, part cuatro: I welcome and encourage your participation in this endeavor of mine. Please feel free to comment anytime! I think the more we interact with one another, the better. It bonds us together as an online community and each of us could, perhaps learn something from someone else. Or not. We are dumbasses, after all. Bring the funny but leave stuff like threats of violence at the door. Use your common sense.

Here's the end: I plan on having fun with this forum and I hope you do, too. I mean, what kind of world would it be if a group of dumbasses can't get together and have fellowship? I don't want to even think of such a thing. It sounds too much like the poor Chinese dumbasses being oppressed by the Red Chinese Communist Party Apparatus. Poor bastards. Thank heaven we live in a country where dumbasses have the same rights as morons and idiots or, as I refer to them, Liberals. :)
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