Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: November 2010 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

It Smells to High Heaven

Essence of Dumbass
It frosts me real good when one person who objects to something that a vast majority of people do and the the one who objects wants to curtail the activities of the masses by claiming discrimination or some bullshit like that. It goes on all the time in this country and I sick and damned tired of it.

Today's dumbass is a perfect example of one asshole trying to curtail the actions of a shitload of other people. In Indiana, some dumbass broad is trying to get perfumes and colognes banned from the high school campus because her wittle baby boy is allergic to the scents, which makes no sense. I feel for the kid with allergies as I suffer from allergies to many things. For example, I am very allergic to dumbasses like this kid's mother. Let's say that this high school has 1000 students and half of them wear cologne or perfume to school on any given day. The Allergy Kid says that he suffers varying degrees of reactions to the scents of the perfumes and colognes. To top it all off, Momma the dumbass says that because her kid is allergic to all the shit in the air around him and subjected to those smells on a daily basis, the school is in violation of (Wait. For. It.) the Americans with  Disabilities Act! Are you fucking serious? Hey, Lady Dumbass, did you ever stop to think that maybe your kid, allergies and all, is infringing on the rights of all the other students to wear cologne and perfume? Hell no!!!

Hey, Dumbass! I have a suggestion that will avoid all the unpleasant side effects of all those aromas in the high school. TEACH THE FUCKER AT HOME!!! I am sure that some of your pussy Liberal friends have already sued for a school for kids for like yours. Dumbasses like you are in constant Victim Mode and I, for one, am fed up with that shit. You professional victims won't be happy until everyone else is hamstrung by your victim mentality. Let me tell you something, dumbass. I am eat up with arthritis and fibromyalgia from my neck to my ankles and I would never infringe on the rights of others because of my condition. If I don't like the way things are done at one place, I'll find another place that is more suited to my circumstance. I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees and I, and millions more like me, ain't gonna take this "I'm a victim" shit anymore. And if you've raised your kid to be a pussy victim like you, then I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for him because he's been brought up by somebody like you. I pray that he'll be the one member of your family that is not a blight on the gene pool and will realize before it's too late, that he is doomed to a life failure because of what you have taught the poor young man.

I guess I could have saved myself a few hundred words of brilliant commentary by typing a simple words that succinctly summarize how I feel. Fuck you, dumbass.You are breathing my air. Have a nice day. Dumbass.

Monday, November 29, 2010

God Sells the Sun to a Dumbass

A Better Bargain Than Manhatten?
One of the essential rules of economics is, regardless of what you intend to market, you've got to determine if there's a market for it. And damned if some dumbass lady in Spain didn't pick one of the most marketable products in the history of Man. The sun. Yup, that big bright yellow ball at the center of a our solar system. That sun.

Angeles Duran of the soggy Galicia region (which in Castillan Spanish means region of dumbasses) of Spain, went to a local notary public and registered El Sol as her own private property.This turn of events leads to several interesting preguntas (a little Espanol for you there). For instance, where did she get the deed to the sun? Is the deed to the sun one of those things Moses brought down with the Ten Commandments from Mount Sinai? Did God himself sign the deed over to Angeles the dumbass? And if He did, is Angeles the dumbass on hook for property taxes on the sun or did The Almighty sell it to her tax free? After a few billion years of owning the sun, did God just want to get a return on His investment? One other question is, what was the notary public drinking and/or smoking when he certified Angeles as the owner of the sun? Inquiring minds want to know. I have several more questions that come to mind, but they are borderline blasphemous, and I need to build up a little more credit with God, before I even think about asking them. Better safe than sorry, I always say.

My next question is more of the earthly nature. What the hell is this dumbass, Angeles, going to do with the sun now that she owns it? I bet you thought that bwas a rhetorical question, didn't you? Oh, hell no. Angeles the dumbass has it all figured out. According to an interview she conducted with El Mundo (The World), Angeles the dumbass owner of the sun said she now wants to slap a fee on everyone who uses the sun and give half of the proceeds to the Spanish government and 20 percent to the nation's pension fund. She would dedicate another 10 percent to research, another 10 percent to ending world hunger -- and would keep the remaining 10 percent herself. "It is time to start doing things the right way, if there is an idea for how to generate income and improve the economy and people's wellbeing, why not do it?" she asked. It's a relief to see that this dumbass is a Liberal. I know she's a Liberal because she no sooner gain ownership of the sun, than she wants to levy a tax on its use. Remember, fee = tax.

If Angeles the dumbass succeeds in this scam, I get dibs on air.

(hat tip to myfoxorlando.com)

Dumbass Stranded on Deserted Island for Five Days! Finally Uses Cell Phone!

Useless in the Hands of a Dumbass
If you were stranded on some deserted island after a boating mishap (cue Gilliagan's Island theme song), faced with a situation that could possibly end up with you being injured or even dead, what would you do? I don't about you, but I am trying like hell to get myself noticed. I might light a fire or use rocks to "print" a message on the beach or any number of other things that would send out a call for help to get my dumb white ass off the damned island! What if you were faced with the same predicament and you had a cell phone and a good enough signal to use it? Speaking solely for myself here, I am calling 911! That's just the way I roll.

There's this dumbass in California who faced the exact circumstances I outlined in scenario number two. This dipshit was the victim of a one man Gilligan's Island-type event. He was, like Gilligan and the rest of the castaways, stranded on a deserted island off the California coast. He was marooned when the inflatable raft he was in sprung a leak. He managed to get to the island safely before he was lost at sea. That's something that could happen to anybody, so you can't call the guy a dumbass just for that. However, this dumb fuck, unlike Gilligan and the gang, had a cell phone and access to a cell phone tower and he refused to use it! Why in the name of all that is Holy would he not used his damned cell phone??!! Wait. For. It. Because he was too embarrassed! I am not making this up. His name is Brian "Goat Man" Hopper. I ain't makin' that up either. Because Goat Man is a complete idiot and dumbass, he spent five days on this island living off of vitamins and plants native to the island. This brings up another important question. What kind of sub-moronic dumbass wakes up and says to himself, "Today I think I'll take my inflatable raft out on the Pacific Ocean for a little ride, but I dare not forget my vitamins!" Goat Man did not say, "I'd better take some water and maybe a sandwich in case something were to awry." He took his frakkin' Flintstones vitamins! I made up the part about the Flintstones vitamins. He prolly took his One-a-Day for Dumbasses instead.

On Day 5 of his "three hour tour", Goat Man got hungry enough to call his cousin who then notified the authorities. In a rare moment of lucidity after his rescue, Goat Man said, "I was embarrassed to be stranded on an island," Hopper said. "I thought I could fix my boat and make it to land ... I didn't want to spend the taxpayers' money to have the Coast Guard come rescue some stupid guy." Hammer meet head of nail. Goat Man also had this to say, Hopper said he now admits he should have called 911 in the first place. "It was the right thing to do," he said. Ya think?

Thank goodness, Goat Man is alive and well, but I have another question. What if Goat Man were stranded on that island with Jessica Alba and they thought they were doomed to die? Would he try to "get some"? Naaah. That ignorant bastard would say he was saving himself for marriage. Dumbass.

Also Useless in the Hands of a Dumbass

Sunday, November 28, 2010

This Could Get Ugly for a Dumbass Thief

Leon Lives Here and He Needs a Friend
My wife found this story on Aol News. She gave me a thumbnail summary of what it was about and I was ready to find the responsible parties and introduce them to Justice, Texas Style. Tall tree, short rope. Just at the right moment, Heather told me of the ending of the story and the rage inside me turned into unbridled happiness. Here's the deal:

Aidan Sullivan (not the little boy with cancer I wrote about last week) is the nine year old son  of a New York City fireman. This young man was born with an affliction that left part of his face undeveloped, a deformed jaw bone and no right ear. At a recent fundraiser to raise money for surgery that would allow doctors to construct and attach a right ear for Aidan, $8000 was collected for the cause. Happy ending, right? Not only no, but hell no! Some heartless dumbass bastard with the scruples of a buzzard stole the eight grand that was to be used for Aidan's surgery. Now you can see where my anger came from. The useless dumbass slime ball who stole the money, when caught, should be sent to Sing Sing Prison and learn the meaning of "stolen", as in the virginity of his asshole has been stolen by our favorite convict, Leon "Hung Like Horse" Williams. And that's the good thing I wish on this sleazy bastard. I'll keep an eye out for any further developements on this story, so when the time comes, I may reconsider my Texas Justice for the dumbass perp.

This story, despite (or in spite of) the theft of the money, has a very happy ending. A group of wonderful people in a nearby community heard of Aidan's plight and did something about it. They took a check to Aidan and his family that will cover the amount of the pilfered cash and other folks in the area have taken up separate collections to donate to Aidan and his family to further assist in the cost of Aidan's surgery. Here's an excerpt from the Aol news story that has the details of the new donations, "Then on Friday, the day after a Thanksgiving Day story detailed their loss, they received a telephone call from Suffern Police Chief Clarke Osborn, a volunteer with the Vincent Crotty Memorial Foundation, informing them that he, along with Vincent Crotty's father, Peter, would deliver a check to cover the loss." The foundation, based in nearby Rockland, was formed in April after a car crash that killed high school baseball players Vincent Crotty and Christopher Konkowski. "If we could take some of that pain away, then that's what we want to do," Crotty told the Journal News. "I saw no reason why we couldn't reach across the river and lend a hand."

Even the sorry dumbass thief responsible for the theft of Aidan's surgery fund could not deter the kindness of some awesome neighbors who came to the rescue of a child in need. God bless these people. And fuck the dipshit dumbass who took stole from Aidan's medical fund. Aidan has a message to the piece of shit thief,
He warned the crook: "I'm going to kick your butt!". Amen, young brother. I couldn't have said it better myself.

(hat tip to Heather the Wife and  Aol News)

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Tattooed Dumbass Does Not Pass "Go" or Collect $200

I'm Me the Dumbass
I have never been to Florida, but I know that a few billion (it seems like a few billion to native Floridians, I'm sure) snowbirds make the Sunshine State their home during the winter months rather than face the cold, cruel winters of their native countries - like Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont. well, the good people of Florida, natives and snowbirds alike, face an ever-increasing number of dumbasses calling Florida home. Armies of dumbasses are invading Florida at an alarming rate these days, putting the citizenry of the state in grave danger. Fortunately for the people of Florida, these invaders are dumbasses not mercenaries of a foreign country hostile to the United States.

Prime example: Joseph Eric Williams. Starting back in Augusta, Joey began a series of robberies at AT&T stores in Broward County, FLA. That's what all the cool people call Florida, FLA. They call it FLA because they're cool and stupid. The dumbasses can't spell F-L-O-R-I-D-A, if you spotted them the F,L,O,R and I. But, I digress. Anyway, Joey knocked over several AT&T retail stores in Broward County and he did so successfully for a few months. He'd run into the stores grab a few iPhones worth about $600 each, and high tail it out of the store like somebody stuck a rocket up his ass. He got away with it for a while until a conscientious citizen saw a CrimeStoppers ad or something and recognized Joey as the culprit behind these snatch and grab robberies. This citizen became especially conscientious when he found out that CrimeStoppers was offering a $1000 reward to anyone who snitched Joey out. The conscientious citizen saw his civic duty (and a thousand bucks) and he did it. He told police that Joey would be easy to find because Joey lived just down the street from the conscientious citizen and that Joey had a distinguishing tattoo that said "I'm Me". On his forehead! That would certainly narrow down the suspects in the Dumbass Pool.

Long story short, Joey got busted and he now sits in the Broward County Crossbar Hilton awaiting trial, sentencing and a date with Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams (no relation) at the Florida Department of Corrections. Dumbass.

Friday, November 26, 2010

The Ballad of the Balloons and the Sea Turtles

Often Mistaken for Jelly Fish by Sea Turtles
As you know, there are dumbasses of every stripe breathing your air. But some of the biggest dumbasses are the Save the Earth/Animals dipshits. You know the kind. The dumbasses who pour paint on somebody wearing a fur coat. Or some numb nuts who sets car dealerships on fire to "save the world" from the scourge that is global warming, or should I say climate change? I don't care, because climate change as these dumbasses define it, is a fucking hoax. As for the animal rights dumbasses, I like animals. I just like them medium rare or with a little mustard whatever the case may be. Since there's not another planet we can send these dumbasses to and other things I'd like to see done to them are against the law, ridiculing them and showing them as the purveyors of hate for humans and violence against those who disagree with them idiots that they are, I shall ridicule them until my ass falls off from laughing. And my ass ain't even loose yet. So in this particular post we are gonna be dealing with a Save the Animals Dumbass.

Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina is probably a good place to live. I'm sure it's a town occupied by many good people. However, 60% of Wrightsville Beach's elected officials are dumbasses. And I mean dumbasses. I arrived at that 60% figure like this : there are five aldermen who serve the citizens of Wrightsville Beach and three of them are dumbasses. Three is 60% of five. The reason that these three dickweeds are dumbasses is because they voted to outlaw balloons in the city! The ordinance in place says that if you are caught carrying a balloon while strolling the beach in Wrightsville Beach, you'll be issued a citation for one hundred dollars! If you let your balloon float away into the wild blue yonder, that's another $250! Of the three dumbass aldermen who voted for this law, one deserves "special" attention. her name is Lisa Weeks. She's the dumbass who cast the deciding vote on this piece of shit bill. The Nanny State Liberation Front  picks it up from there: Weeks "said she did it “for the sea turtles.” She and her fellow balloon banners are convinced that sea turtles confuse deflated balloons for yummy jellyfish, resulting in suffocation and death." I am not making this up! Ms. Weeks, as you can now see, is a Dumbass Cum Laude. And the fact that at least 50% plus one vote of the voters of Wrightsville Beach elected this moron, means that they ain't exactly in line to receive Rhodes Scholarships.

I am curious as to how many dead sea turtles who have been suffocated by deflated balloons have washed ashore in Wrightsville Beach. One? Ten? I'll go out on a limb here and say that the count is exactly ZERO. But that's just me.

 A word of advice for the voters of Wrightsville Beach comes from a commenter on the NSLF. Miss Wynonna says, "Very simple…..Either VOTE them out next election cycle, OR start a recall pettion to get them removed from thier positions….." Or write in Miss Wynonna's name as an alternative to the three dumbasses who passed this ordinance. When she wins, celebrate by releasing a few hundreds helium-filled balloons into the air. Then if any sea turtles suffocated from deflated balloons wash ashore, make turtle soup. Dumbasses.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Here We Go Again

Getaway Car for Dumbasses
Here we go again. Another dumbass committing a crime and trying to make his getaway on a riding lawnmower! We have covered dumbasses on riding lawnmowers before. Today's dumbass continues that tradition amongst dumbasses. A tradition that only dumbasses enjoy.

Ricky New of Aiken, South Carolina is the latest dumb fuck to pull this stunt. Our man Ricky recently went into a convenience store armed not with a gun or knife, but a stick! That earns Ricky one dumbass point right there. Once in the store, Ricky pulls his stick and tells the clerks to "Give me your damn money", which is not the Christian way to pull a robbery. He should have said "Please give me your damn money". As you can see, it's hard to find a quality convenience store robber these days. Anyway, Ricky yanks out his stick., forgets to say "please" and starts beating a female clerk with his weapon. After getting his booty, Ricky hops onto his Craftsman riding mower and , zooms would be the wrong word to use here, sputters off in hopes of outrunning a high performance police car. Dumbass.

I know this will be difficult to believe, but Ricky had a rather impressive rap sheet and was well-known to the Aiken PD. Yes, I'm afraid it's true. Ricky is a repeat offender and a dumbass. Go figure. Anyway, a short time later, the cops caught up with Ricky and his getaway mower and invited him to have coffee and donuts at the Aiken Crossbar Hilton. Not really. They just busted him and threw him in a cell after being charged with assault and battery and armed robbery. No word on what happened to the stick or if Ricky offered to mow the grounds around the Police department.

Here's to hoping that while he's in prison, that Ricky catches the eye of our adopted delon Leon "Hung Like a Stallion" Williams. it sounds like a match made in Heaven, doesn't it? After all, Leon gives free lessons in "How to Drop the Soap". Ricky will be thrilled I'm sure.

Dumbass.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A Stoned Dumbass With Ten Big Ones

30 Day Home to a Dumbass
Let me right off the bat say that I am a yay for science kind of guy. Having said that, I think you'll understand why I have named a lady who spent thirty days in a museum the Dumbass of the Day.

This little tale of dumbassery comes to us from Chicago which soon will not be known as The Windy City, but as The Dumbass City. Here's why: A lady named Kate won a drawing and the first prize was $10,000 and a thirty day stay at the museum. The ten grand I am all over. But the thirty days in the museum, not so much. I once spent twelve days in a Ford mini van, hoisted about fifteen feet in the air by a big ass crane, as a promotional event for a Ford dealership in Wichita Falls, Texas. Thirty days in a museum would be a cakewalk compared to that, but it's still not on my Top Ten List Ways to Be Couped Up.

So Katie the Dumbass Lady "won" this contest and spent a month in the Museum of Science and Industry doing God knows what with pistons, fulcrums and levers. Sounds like a porn flick in the making. But I digress.

Katie's itinerary included breakfast with Apollo astronaut Jim Lovell, watching an open heart surgery and interacting with teachers and students who visited the museum. I don't know about you, but my perfect day starts off with a pan-fried pork chop, fried eggs and fried taters, followed by a little open heart surgery as a prelude to lunch. I understand that the teachers and students who came across Katie during their field trips to the museum, went home and said, "Mommy! We saw the new dumbass exhibit at the museum today! And she talks!" At which point Mommy replied, "That's nice, dear."

"These 30 days have been a whirlwind of 'firsts' for me, and it's been such a great experience," Katie said. "It's hard to believe that this adventure is coming to a close, but I have definitely discovered my inner science geek during these 30 days and met some incredible people." Discovered her inner science geek? I think she discovered her inner "I am a bigger dumbass now than I was thirty days ago" geek who hallucinated on some 2000 year old mushrooms from the "Technology In Farming" exhibit. Put simply, Katie was a stoned dumbass for thirty days. That's the only explanation I can't come with in regards to her quote above.

I gotta hand it to Katie in one regard though. She's a stoned dumbass with ten grand and I'm a sober dumbass who, that if it cost a nickel to go around the world, couldn't get out of town.

Monday, November 22, 2010

More Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

We had such fun with our first edition of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines that I thought an encore would be a hoot also. Remember, these are actual newspaper headlines. They are so stupid that you gotta wonder if the dumbasses that wrote them were smokin' some good shit or not. I vote "smokin' good shit". Nobody sober could be that big of a dumbass. Then again, we are talking about newspaper people, so being that big a dumbass is very possible, even likely. So let's see what those stoned dumbasses have for us today.

Headline - "Miners Refuse to Work After Death"
DN -  After digging a hole in the Earth several thousand feet deep, it's only fair to the miners that upon death, somebody else dig a hole six feet deep for them. Just sayin'.

Headline - "War Dims Hope for Peace"
DN - No shit. If there were no wars would the headline read "Peace Dims Hope for War"? Prolly not.

Headline - "If Strike Doesn't End Quickly, It May Last a While"
DN - Just think. Somebody's parents paid good money for a college education for the dumbass who wrote this headline. Says something about our colleges today, doesn't it?

Headline - "Cool Wave Linked to Temperatures"
DN - My question is this: is a heat wave linked to temperatures, too? Dumbass.

Headline - "New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"
DN - I got nothin'.

Headline - "Local High School Drop Outs Cut in Half"
DN - You should see the punishment for playing hooky. yyyyyeeeeeeeeeooooooooowwwwwww

Headline - "Hospital Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"
DN - Wait till the midgets get a load of this.

That's it for this go 'round of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines. I'll get my Google Fu limbered up and ready for action so I can find some more of this stuff for other times. And you weren't particularly enlightened by our post today, send all your hate mail to my Mother. She sent me this garbage material.

(hat tip to my Mom)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Dumbass Laws: Part 10 - The Finale

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time once again to play theinternet's favorite weekend laugh-a-thon ....Match the State With the Dumbass Law !!! This is one of the most popular features we do here on Dumbass News, and today ought to be a doozy because the full moon is upon us and we all know that when the moon is full,  dumbasses come out like ants at a family reunion picnic. Brace yourselves...here we go!

Virginia - It's against the law to flip a coin in any eating joint to determine who buys the coffee.
DN - I personally have no problem with this. It's more fun to flip the waitress to see who pays for coffee.

Washington - A woman who sits in man's lap on a train or bus is obligated to put a pillow between herself and the man, or face a jail term of six months.
DN - And if she doesn't put a pillow between herself and the man, she faces nine months of morning sickness and weird cravings. Dumbasses.

West Virginia - In Nicholas County, it is verboten that a minister tell jokes or funny stories from the pulpit during the service.
DN - That's cool with me. I can get straight to my nap that much quicker.

Wisconsin - In order too make cheese in America's Dairyland, you must have a Cheese Maker's License. In order to make Limberger cheese, you must have a Master Cheese Maker's License.
DN - If you nmake Limberger cheese, you'll need a helluva lot more than permit. A good divorce lawyer comes to mind. Juat sayin'.

Wyoming - It's illegal for a woman to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.
DN - This is a great idea. If a drinking woman falls while standing more than five feet from the bar, she is less likely to spill other people's drinks.

That's it. We have covered dumbass laws in all fifty states of the Union and there have been some real winners. If you'd like to review the other nine posts dealing with dumbass laws, search the archives by using the search box on the home page. And don't fret, I'll be on the lookout for more dumbass laws from all over the world because one can never get enough dumbass.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Sign Number One That You May Be Drunk: Peeing on a Cop Car

We've featured dumbasses of all stripes on this blog over the last couple months, some more dumbass than others. Our dumbasses have ranged from the U.S. Government to my personal favorite, the dumbass who assaulted a police officer with a sex toy. There is no level to which we won't stoop in order to bring you the
finest (?) in dumbassery.

For instance, today we delve into a bilingual dumbass adventure featuring tinkling on a cop car. Now that's an outstanding example of Prime Time Dumbassery.

Our story takes place in Johnson City, Tennessee, where Daniel Lopez Cruz was observed by a local cop weaving all over the road in his Chevy Blazer. Now this an exercise in poor judgement, not to mention dumbass, to be driving in such a wreckless manner in Johnson City, Tennessee. Seeing this infraction take place before his very eyes, Officer White Guy performed his duties as a sworn civil servant.

Here's where the fun begins. when the arresting officer asked Daniel for proof of insurance and his I.D., Daniel thought the cop said, "You gotta pee?" So, Daniel did. He pissed all over the only available facility, except it wasn't a potty facility, it was a police cruiser! Now this is not the way to endear yourself to the local constabulary.These people, for some dumbass reason, take offense at somebody pissing on their cruiser. Silly cops.

My advice to Daniel would be : a) Don't drink cheap tequila, b) learn English and c) call a fucking cab! Dumbass. Or to put it so Daniel can understand, pendejo. Comprende, amigo?

Thankfully, nobody was hurt during Daniel's detour into dumbassery. Daniel, I have one more piece of advice for you should you end up a guest of the State of Tennessee, No te cayo el jabon, or as we say in English, don't drop the soap. Dumbass.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Dumb Mass Hole

There's an old adage that says, "the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime". I would amend that saying to, "a dumbass criminal always returns to the scene of the crime." Or in the case of today's Dumbass of the Day, a Dumb Mass Criminal always returns to the scene of the crime.

In Springfield, Massachusetts, a dumbass named Edward Blatch, and one of his buddies called in to Fu Wong's for some Chinese food for delivery. So the Chinese delivery guy arrives at Ed's house with the food order. Ed and his dumbass buddy decide that they wanted more than a little Egg Fu Yung and pork fried rice, so the two dumbasses point a shotgun at the delivery guy and proceed to rob him of his cash, cell phone, bluetooth device and car keys. This is where your everyday normal dumbass ends his interaction with his victim. But good old Ed is a dumbass deluxe.

Ed and his partner in crime smoked a couple of bong hits, got the munchies and decided to go out to eat some Chinese food at you guessed it, Fu Wong's! We are on the edge of Uncharted Dumbassery here, but Ed's just the kind of dumbass to push the envelope of dumbassery to the point of insanity. As fate would have it, the driver who was the victim of Ed's criminal impulses, was working that very day. Finally, justice would be served (pun intended). Delivery guy recognized Ed and his accomplice and went on tell his co-workers that the guys who robbed him were in the dining room. If Fu Wong's is like most other Chinese food joints, all the employees are of the Asian persuasion. And they know how to use a knife in the kitchen, therefore a man's gazebos would be easy to turn into a new buffet item. Anyway, all these Asian fuckers surround Ed and his buddy and call the police, to whom Ed and his dumbass buddy were delivered. <------I made a funny.

Ed and the other dumbass are now guests of the state for a few years, where Ed will have his "egg" "fu yung'ed" on a daily basis. Ed, next time head for McDonalds and leave the shotgun home. Dumbass.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Pink Plastic Snails Set to Invade Miami!

No Longer the Only Dumbass in Your Yard
Pink plastic snails are set to invade Miami. As if pink plastic flamingos weren't dumbass enough, enviro-weenies in Florida are going to put up pink plastic snails all over the Miami area. But wait! These are no ordinary pink plastic snails! No! They are pink plastic snails made of RECYCLED plastic! This gets better.

According to the  UPI, Gloria Porcella, who is one of the dumbasses behind this project, "The concept is the snail wants us to think about ourselves and they want to teach us something," Porcella said. "We run, run, run but what are we reaching? What are our goals? We are destroying our planet" And these eight foot plastic snails, spread all over the Miami, are just the cure to prevent us from "destroying our planet"? I doubt these snails will remind us of our transgressions against the environment, but they'll damn sure make Miami look like an "alternative life style city", if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Evidently the recycled plastic snails are supposed to be symbolic of some stupid shit. We do know that the snails are symbolic of a bunch of pansies living in Miami, who have nothing better to do than to go to the local dump and scrounge around for old milk cartons and shit like that, so they can make plastic fucking snails! Good God! I'll bet you a dollar to a donut that vast majority of these eco-pussies aren't even residents of the state of Florida. Just sayin'.

Now having said all that, I can see one useful thing you can take away from these pink snails - pink snail target practice! (using lead-free shotgun shell of course) Dumbasses.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A New Feature! Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Today we are gonna change directions a bit and not appoint a Dumbass of the Day, rather we shall explore some actual newspaper headlines that take "dumbass" to a new level. Let me state up front that I got these dumbass headlines in an email from my Mother, who taught me about the dangers of dumbass at a very young age. The woman knows dumbass when she sees it and you won't be disappointed with what you are about to read. Thank, Mom! These are actual headlines that have appeared in newspapers across the country.

Headline: "Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says"
DN: No shit, Sherlock. C'mon, fellas, next time try the positive approach to a tragedy like a jet crash. For instance, "Something Went Right in Jet Crash That Killed 260 People". Dumbasses.

Headline: "Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
DN: That'll teach the bastards!

Headline: "Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"
DN: Ain't that illegal?

Headline: "J**u**venile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"
DN: The next headline would be: "Crime Rates Plummet". Enuff said.

Headline: "Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
DN: What? You dumbasses ran out of Super Glue?

Headline: "Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"
DN: Especially with salt and mustard.

Headline: "Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
DN: I got nothin'.

Now, wasn't that fun? Just think, for those headlines to actually make it to print, they had to get past several layers of editors who supposedly were proofreading the copy. Dumbasses. Is it any wonder that bird cage liners are going belly up all over the place?

I think we'll do this feature on a recurring basis. It was fun. If you come across a dumbass headline from a paper in your town, email it to me a realdumbassnews AT g mail DOT  com.

***(Hat tip: My Mom)***

Monday, November 15, 2010

Cop Attacked By Sex Toy Wielding Drunk Dumbass

This Leads to Assault By Sex Toy
Ladies and gentlemen, I have found what could easily be the "Dumbass of the Year" news story. This story makes all previous contenders for this coveted award look like pikers. It's that good.

We have all the elements of an honest-to-goodness, without-a-doubt of a classic dumbass story. Carolee Bildsten has earned a place in the Dumbass Hall of Fame with this beauty. Carolee recently went to Joe's Crab Shack in Gurnee, Illinois for some supper and a bit of wine. Mission accomplished, she walked out without paying her bill. That's Dumbass Move Number 1. Alert employees then called the cops. The police searched the vicinity and eventually found Carolee laying on a patch of grass near a Six Flags amusement park.  Behold Dumbass Move Number 2. Noticing that Carolee was plowed, the policeman on the scene offered to take her home to get some money to pay her bill at Joe's Crab Shack. Carolee accepted this generous offer and was escorted home by the nice cop. When they arrived at Carolee's house, she told the fuzz that she had money in her dresser. She went to her dresser, opened the drawer and instead of pulling cash flow, she pulled out a BOB!!! (battery operated boyfriend). According to the police report, Carolee the Dumbass" said her money was in her dresser drawer and she opened it and reached inside and removed a 'clear, rigid feminine pleasure device' and held it over her head and approached the officer in a threatening manner". At this precise moment, the policeman's assault by sex toy training took over and he knocked the "clear, rigid female pleasure devcie" out of Carolee's hand and placed her under arrest and ask her what she had planned for later that night and if she had a girlfriend who could join them. <wink wink> OK, I made that last part up.

Carolee was "charged with theft of labor for allegedly walking out on the restaurant bill, pedestrian under the influence for walking on city streets while inebriated, and aggravated assault for menacing the officer with a sex toy." Menacing the officer with a plastic penis is serious business in Gurnee, Illinois. How serious? The dildo landed Carolee in jail where she faces a stiff sentence. Dumbass.

That, my friends, is the Leader By a Head in the Clubhouse for the Dumbass of the Year Award.

(hat tip to UPI )

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Dumbass Laws, Part 9

Well...it's been a week or so since we got to make fun of all those other states that have some real dumbass laws and your state doesn't. I hate to bust your bubble, but even my home state of Texas has some dumbass laws, so if I haven't mentioned some dumbass laws for your state yet, just hold yer taters, because your state is coming up tonight or the next time we do a dumbass laws segment. Once we get past Round One of dumbass laws from around the country, we will probably do a "Best of Dumbass Laws" post, just to review some of the more stupid shit laws on the books. I may even run a poll featuring some of the "best" dumbass laws and let you vote on the Most Dumbass State at the end of this series. Let's now see what kind of dumbass awaits us tonight.
 South Dakota - It is expressly forbidden to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
DN - What the hell do they want you to do in a cheese factory, sing polka songs to stay awake? I visited a small cheese factory in Wisconsin many years ago, and if South Dakota cheese factories are anything like the one I was in, you'd rather be in the showers at a skid row truck stop than to be in one of those foul-smellin' fungus traps. Trust me on this one. It ain't a purty sight.

Tennessee - I love the Volunteer State, but they have some fucked up laws on the books. Like this one: it is illegal to catch a fish with a lasso.
DN - No lassos, huh? This reminds me of an old fishin' story. this guy was out fishing every day at this one lake and so were many other fisherman. None of the fisherman caught a thing over a few days of fishin', but this one dude was geting his limit every day. So, the guys not catching anything became suspicious of the one guy catching all the fish and they called the Game Warden. Sure enough the game Warden goes out to the fishin' hole and sees the one dude throwing dynamite into the water. BOOM!!! Up to the surface of the water come dozens of fish and the guy scoops them up with his net. The Game Warden padles his boat out to where the guy was fishing and said, "You can't use dynamite to fish! That's illegal! The guy itches another piece of dynamite into the water and BOOM!! The fish float to the surface by the dozens. The Game Warden says,"Hey! You can't do that! So, the guy lights a stick of dynamite and hands it to the Game Warden and says, "You wanna argue or you wanna fish?" I'll be here all week.

Texas - It's against the law to own the Encyclopedia Brittanica in Texas. Why? It has a recipe for making beer in it.
DN - I have it on good authority that the Moonshiners in Texas responded by saying, "What's an Encyclopedia? And does it taste like chicken?"
Utah - Birds have the right of way on all freeways in Utah.
DN - Yeah, Thunderbirds.

Vermont - It's illegal to whistle under water.
DN - In Vermont, it's also against the law to drown on air. Dumbasses.

There you have it. Five more states with some real dumbass laws. College footbal, Texas vs. Oklahoma State, is coming on in a few minutes, so I'd better lasso myself an order of Buffalo Wings. Unless that's against the law, too.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Let's Nip This One in the, er, uh, Bud!

Here I was just sittin' here having a bowl of chili, minding my own damn business, when I came across one of the most dumbass things I have ever seen. And that's saying a lot. On these pages, you have frequently seen me bitch and moan about government intrusion into our lives. But, I never, ever I thought I'd live to see the day when the government would stick their dumbass noses into the practice of circumcision. You read that right. Circumcision. And where else could you find such dickheads making dickheads their business but San Francisco? Some dumbass in the City By the Bay is circulating a petition that, with the requisite number of signatures, could be put on the ballot for San Francisco residents vote on next November. Democracy in action, right? Wrong. Dumbass in action is more like it. This initiative, if voted into law, would ban the practice of circumcision(!) in San Fran. I am not making this up. The measure in question would "make it a misdemeanor to circumcise, excise, cut or mutilate the foreskin, testicle or penis of another person who has not attained the age of 18.” The proposal says "....of another person". Is a do-it-yourself circumcision OK? Just askin'. Those who ignore this would-be law could face up to a $1,000 fine and up to one year in prison. Are. You. Shittin'. Me?

I can just see the protest signs now. "If circumcisions are outlawed, only outlaws will have circumcisions!" "If circumcision is illegal, only back alley circumcisions will be available." How about this one? "Keep Your Filthy Hands Off My Circumcision!" Here's a good one: "You Can Have My Foreskin When You Pry It Out Of My Cold Dead Hands!" The possibilities are endless! "Is that a circumcision you have there or are you just glad to see me?" bwahahahahahahaha I'm killin' myself here! "Leave my stem's cells alone!" I'll be here all week.

I'll keep an eye out on any further developements on this story. I'm sure we haven't heard the "end" of  it.

If you can think of a good one liner for a protest sign regarding this matter, I beg of you to leave it in the comments.

(hat tip to nbcbayarea.com)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

A Dumbass Science Experiment

Dumbasses come in all shapes, sizes, colors and nationalities. At any given moment, any one of God's children could pull a serious dumbass maneuver. Dumbass does not discriminate. For example, thousands of formerly trusted and respected men of science, pulled a case of Mass Simultaneous Dumbass concerning the scam that is Glo-bull Warming. Professional Dumbass Watchers, such as yours truly, refer to this condition as MSD, or in the vernacular, stupid as hell. But enough of the technical talk.

For today's Dumbass of the Day, we travel about 200 miles out my back door to Canada, or as it is sometimes called, Home of Hosers and Dumbasses. I don't mean that in a bad way, one of my best friends, Kyle, is Canadian, but that says more about the quality, or lack thereof, of my friends than it does Canada. But, I digress.

Anyway, some dumbass Canuck scientists got a brilliant idea to study how red meat affects men. If I were a betting man, I would wager a month's salary that funding for this dumbass meat study came either from the Provincial government or the Federal dumbasses in Ottawa. I'll go one step further and speculate that it was not an insignificant amount of money. But, I could be wrong. Probably not, but I could be. McGill University is the proud home of these dumbass scientists and their dopey experiment. If I'm Canadian and this is a publicly funded university, I'd be pissed off and would seriously contemplate putting a severed moose head in the bed of the scientists involved in this sham.

I have an idea on how to do this experiment for the price of a couple of liters (a dumbass Canadian measure of volume) of gasoline, a steak and a beer. I am talking you, dumbass scientists! If you really want to know the effects of red meat on men, drive on over to your neighborhood Outback Steakhouse and order one 20oz. t-bone steak and tell two different men, without the knowledge of other, that the steak is for him. Then order a Molson's and sit back and watch the effects of red meat on men as these two guys beat the hell out of each other over a t-bone. See how easy that is? And it cost less than fifty bucks! Dumbasses.

If you think I'm making this stuff up, here's a link to the story. If you don't want to click over to the story, I don't blame you. Besides, it's written in Canadian anyway. Eh?

I'd Like to Buy a "D" for Dumbass, Pat

On game shows, things don't always go as planned. You put people in an atmosphere where they could win a shitload of money and/or prizes, and things could, unintentionally, turn ugly real quick. I remember watching Wheel of Fortune (I think) long ago and the puzzle looked like this "N*GGER". That is a recipe for disaster. At first glance, it looks very much like a racial epithet waiting to happen. But the correct answer was "NAGGER". Still, what a dumbass thing to even let the appearance of something so vile be a part of the game.

Such an incident, while very rare, is not limited to American TV. There are plenty of dumbasses in other countries too. In England, the standards for TV are quite different than those of the USA. They are a little more "liberal" across the pond. For instance, I have seen episodes of some Chef Ramsey show of one kind or another where the word "shit" is not bleeped out. On other shows on whatever over the air dumbass UK channel you'll see women with their "assets" exposed for all to see.

Which brings us to our story for the day. In jolly old England, on Channel 4, they air a show called "Countdown", which I gather is a lot like Wheel of Fortune. But the British are very lucky because this show, Countdown, has neither hide nor hair of Keith Olberdouche associated with it.(Countdown. MSNBC. Olberdink. get it? Nevermind) Just sayin'. However, Countdown is not immune from its own dumbass moments. Not long ago, the show had a puzzle with the following letters in it: "DTCEIASHF". Take a  minute to look it over and try to figure out what could possibly go wrong. I am gonna go check the mail, and I expect an answer from you when I get back. Your time starts now. OK, I'm back. If you guessed "SHITFACED", you have solved the word puzzle the same way the contestant on the show did. While this a perfectly legitament answer, the dumbass producers of this show made a decision to re-tape the show (!) because of this answer, relegating this segment to the cutting room floor and keeping their "squeaky clean" reputations spotless. Dumbasses.

What the fuck? You dumbasses were the ones to allow this word puzzle on to your show, and then some poor dumbass gives a perfectly good answer and you shitcan it? It's not like you dumbasses have any "standards" or anything. You dickweeds canceled Benny Hill for God's sake. Well, maybe not Channel 4, but the same assholes that run British TV canceled Benny Hill. Dumbasses. And these idiots all the of sudden have scruples. Pardon me while I heave.

Solve this puzzle you British TV censor bitches. CUFK OYU MUDBESSSA.

I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Liar, Liar Float's On Fire! Wait, whaaaa......?

The Work of Dumbass College Guy?
As I have previously mentioned, the dumbass is strong in our country, and no state is immune from it. The dumbass infects people at a rate H1N1 only wishes it could. Today's dumbass story comes from California, Pennsylvania. When I saw the word "California", that's a red flag lit up by neon right there. I know that's a terrible assumption to make, but hey, California has brought it upon itself for being the Dumbass Capital of the World. But, I digress. Back to Pennsylvania...the dumbass antagonist in our story today attends California University of Pennsylvania, a dumbass name for a college in and of itself. What's their mascot, the Fighting Dumbasses? Actually the school's mascot has something to do with either fire or Vulcans, I can't figure out what the hell it is. At any rate, this young man, whom we'll call Dumbass College Guy, helps keep school spirit up by dressing as Vulcan the Fire god and zis boom ba-ing his way into the hearts of his fellow students and alumni. Except when he veers off into arson.

Yes, Dumbass College Guy is an arsonist. That's the last thing I would when I see some dumbass dressed up as the god of FIRE! And Dumbass College Guy doesn't let us down. During the school's homecoming parade, Dumbass College Guy, dressed in full god of FIRE regalia, had too much time on his hands when the old arson bug bit him. So, as any arsonist worth his accelerants would do, Dumbass College Guy turned arsonist, lit one of the floats in the homecoming parade on fire! Assuming Dumbass College Guy thought he could get away with this dastardly deed, what was he gonna do? Go on the lam? In a god of fire outfit? I've got this crazy hunch that there are not too many other dumbasses in California, Pennsylvania running around in god of fire outfits. But that's just me.

It goes with saying, that Dumbass College Guy Turned Arsonist was apprehended very quickly. Upon his arrest, a university spokes-dumbass said that Dumbass College Guy Turned Arsonist, was sent to a "medical facility". Ya think? Then she goes on to say that Dumbass College Guy Turned Arsomist was a well-liked member of the student community, etc., nevermind that pesky arson incident. Now Dumbass College Guy Turned Arsonist will have plenty of time on his hands to set fire to prison inmate Leon the Lifer, who just loves to have his wick lit.

Monday, November 8, 2010

A Blogger's Worst Nightmare

What I am about to do is something every independent blogger hates to do. What I mean by "hates to do" is that I'd rather have my "i" teeth pulled with needle-nose plyers. Without novacaine. By a pissed off ex-wife. While she's drunk. And on her "monthly cycle". In other words, I am gonna ask a favor of you that makes me feel like a dumbass and offends my sense of self-reliance, and my pride. Unfortunately, it's part of the business from time to time. So, what I am about to do is neither unsavory nor unique, just a necessary evil that many bloggers face every day. Sadly, I am one of those bloggers.

This post is what is called a "bleg". A "bleg" is a combination of blog and beg. An appeal for funds. I am not going to give you a sob story about how my dog got run over by a drunk on a riding lawnmower, rather I will just appeal to you as a friend and/or a reader.

A little background. I started this blog in late June and my other blog, Dumbass News, in mid-September as a way to make some extra cash to help with the bills, etc. Although the blogs are doing very well with the readers, that's simply not the case with the cash. I love doing the blogs. I get a hoot out of giving others a laugh or jogging their memory with something I write. That's what it's all about to me. I derive great satisfaction when I get a comment or email extolling the virtues of my brilliant prose. Strangely, I get a kick out a message or email that tells me I suck. At least I'm getting people to examine the subjects I write about. That's a good thing.

Can you help a brutha out?***
I am sure that the regular readers of Three States Plus One have read the posts about the number of Doctor's visits I have made in the past few months. While my medical conditions are nowhere near life-threatening, they are all about life changing. I am dealing with advanced arthritis in my knees, back, hips and hands. Damn the bad luck! I also have fibromyalgia which tends to magnify the effects of the arthritis and significantly limits my mobility and the hopes of landing a "regular" job. However, I am hoping to land one of those "Hover Round" commercials in the near future. :). 


On each page of the blogs, in the right hand side bar, is a "Donate" button. If you were to click on that, it would take you to a secure PayPal page where you can make a donation directly to me through PayPal. I have done business with PayPal for a while now and I have no reservations about doing so at any given time. Trust me when I say that it is a secure website for making a transaction. I simply ask you to donate any amount with which you are comfortable - $1, $5, $10, etc., if you feel that I have provided you with a service worthy of your time. If I have made you laugh out loud or just chuckle to yourself, or if I have written something that made you think about the subject at hand, please consider a small donation.  Maybe you've cussed  me like sailor...that's cool, too. If any of those emotions are worthy of a donation, that's great! If not, no el sweat-o.

Let me reiterate that I feel like a dumbass for making this post. In no way, shape or form are you obligated to make a donation! I will continue to write what I consider to be good material no matter what. And please understand that I value every second of your time spent on one of my blogs. No matter what, that will not change. Thank you all for your patronage to Three States Plus One and Dumbass News.

Thanks,
Toby


***Image by Arthur Topham ***

F U - A College Story

My Alma Mater***
Wakefield, Massachusetts is a suburb of Boston with a population of about 24,000 good folks and several dumbasses. This should come as no surprise, because Boston is loaded with dumbasses who see something offensive in damn near anything, except for the offensiveness that is certain members of the Kennedy family. But, I digress.

Some dumbasses in Wakefield have gotten their panties in a wad over something that only dumbasses could find offensive. These are the same people who keep voting for Liberals for every elective office in the state and see nothing offensive about that. But then again, they are dumbasses. Enough said. What exactly is it that have these dumbasses all pissed off? A T-shirt. Yes, a T-shirt. Not any ordinary T-shirt, but a Wakefield High School T-shirt. Roll up your pants legs, the dumbass is about to get deep.

Here's the deal: the Wakefield High School track and field team needed some funds to, I assume, defray expenses  for out of town track meets and stuff like that, so the team decided to sell T-shirts so they could make some dough. Sounds innocent enough, right? So why all the fuss? The T-shirts the track team wants to sell have "WTF" printed on them. WTF stands for Wakefield Track and Field. But to the dumbasses protesting the sale of these shirts see WTF as meaning "what the fuck" as in an internet "colloquialism". Using this line of reasoning, what about a similar shirt for Fordham University, good old "FU"? Should Fordham rearrange it's name to appease dumbasses like the ones in Wakefield? The offended (or is that offensive?) dumbasses would have a fucking heart attack at the mere mention of Florida University of Cultural Knowledge" That's right! Good old "FUCK U". But, we are talking Massivetwoshits here, so very little about what they find offensive surprises me. They are Liberals. And dumbasses.

 If you live in the Wakefield, Mass area and see or hear of any of theses dipshits protesting the track team's T-shirts, drop me a line and we'll make sure that their side of the story is heard as well. Even if they are dumbasses. Now, I've got to take a shower and afterwards, put on my "FUCK U" t-shirt and offend somebody in Wakefield, Mass. Dumbasses.


***photo from cafepress.com***

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Dumbass Laws, Part 8

I can't believe that we are at Part 8 in our Dumbass Laws Series. it seems more like Part 18! Yet, I trudge onward, like good soldier, fearing not the danger and evil that await me, at the ready to fend off any attack from perimeter dumbasses and other perilous, blood thirsty creatures such as Liberals and Democrats. It is for you, dear reader, that I continue to put myself at risk, in order to bring forth to you those moments of insanity that plague our beloved United States from coast to coast - moments when all men of good intention temporarily find themselves void of common sense and good judgement - moments we have come to know as Dumbass Laws!  

Oklahoma - The town of Schulter has gone and done the unthinkable! The dumbasses in charge of running this town have gone and made it illegal for women to play poker in the nude, while wearing lingerie or wrapped in a towel.
DN - This tells me two things. 1) Schulter is as boring as hell. and 2) The only women left in Schulter are the ones you wouldn't want to see nekkid anyway. Dumbasses.

Oregon - Salem takes the unthinkable mentioned above one step further. The city of Salem has banned women's wrestling!
DN -   What in the name of all that is holy do states whose names begin with the letter "O" have against women? As I understand it, since the imposition of the ban on women's wrestling, jello and baby oil sales have plunged in Salem. Just sayin'. Hang on, more woman-hatin' is on the way...

Pennsylvania - In Morrisville, PA, women need a permit to wear cosmetics.
DN -  That's it. I can take it anymore! I have a good mind to to round up a bunch of nekkid women, wearing cosmetics without a permit and watch them as they play cards while simultaneously rassle in jello and baby oil! Can I get an "Amen!" from the perverts in the last aisle? Damned be the repercussions!

Rhode Island - On Sunday, a Sunday much like today, it is against the law in Providence, to sell a toothbrush and toothpaste to the same customer.
DN - This just in...Rhode Islanders have teeth that make the British's teeth look like the Osmond family.
  
South Carolina - Every citizen is obliged to carry his gun to Church.
DN - Since this law was enacted, I hear  that the meetings of the Church Fund Raising Committee can be quite entertaining.

And that concludes another foray into the world of Dumbass Laws. Let's review what we have learned today:

1) Oklahoma is, well, uh, Oklahoma. Nice place with good people and dumbass laws and 3.2 beer.
2) Oregon has reinforced once again it's a NutHouse and the Squirrels run the place. No women's rasslin. Commie bastards!
3) Pennsylvania has Morrisville and in the Big M women need a permit to paint themselves up like a load of Jezebels AND the Amish make the BEST potato salad in the world. I just threw that last one because I like the Amish Potato Salad.
4) Rhode Island is too small to worry about and nobody really cares about it anyway, even the people who live there.
5) South Carolina is my kind of place. Packin' heat in Church?! That's gotta give a boost to "voluntary" baptisms and if somebody needs a good shootin', the whole funeral process is streamlined. It's the old "4 B" Theory. Baptize 'em, Blast 'em, box 'em and bury 'em.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Dumbass Laws, Part 7

I have a confession to make to you, my readers. When I first started doing this series on Dumbass Laws from around the country, I wasn't so sure how they'd be received. By that I mean, I wasn't sure how many of you dumbasses would actually, you know, read them. To my surprise, I discovered that there are more dumbasses out there than I originally thought. So, from one dumbass (me) to another (you), I thank you from the bottom of my dumbass heart for making this series a way bigger success than I could have hoped for it to be. For example, a couple of days ago, for the first time ever, Dumbass News got more page hits than my other blog, Three States Plus One. Thank you all for your dumbass support as I wouldn't be half the dumbass I am without you. I say that with love. Dumbasses.  :)

New Mexico - In the mountain town of Raton, which I have driven through at least 30 times, it is against the law for women to ride a horse on a public street while wearing a kimono.
DN - Citing my experience mentioned above about having been through Raton numerous times, I can say that without a doubt, the horse back-riding, kimono-wearing female population of that fair town does not constitute a large portion of the demographics in Raton. Except on Saturday nights, but it's the men of Raton who practice this ritual. They say it makes them feel "special". That's why when I pass through Raton on the way to Denver, I stay on the Colorado side of the border in Trinidad. Just sayin'.

New York - On the books in New York City, one of the great cities of the world, it is illegal for you to put your thumb to the tip of your nose and wiggle your fingers in greeting a someone else in the street.
DN - In NYC, they call that disorderly conduct. In Augusta, Maine, we call that dumbass.

North Carolina - Hornytown (I ain't makin' that up) has banned all massage parlors in town.
DN - Wait'll you hear what they banned in the town of Intercourse. Wait, that's in Pennsylvania. Never mind. I got nouthin.

North Dakota - Can't find a bar, club or restaurant in North Dakota that sells beer and pretzels at the same time? There's a good reason for that. It's illegal!!!
DN - This is the first step in turning America into a third world shit hole. Not only is this dumbass, it is communist, too. Next thing you know, they'll be after the pickled eggs in that big ass jar on the bar! Unacceptable! To arms!!!

Ohio - Columbus is a pretty cool city. I lived there for a while. If only I had known that the city of Columbus banned the sale of cornflakes on Sunday, I would have never graced them with my presents
DN - Being a crafty fellow, I found a way to beat this travesty of a law while honoring it as well. I shopped for cornflakes on Saturday night!!! Dumbasses.

Let's do a recount here, this was Part 7 so that means we have covered dumbass laws in 35 states, leaving us only 15 more to make fun of. I bet if I were to dig a little deeper, I could find a whole new set of dumbass laws.There's always someone trying to "out-dumbass" the other guy, so I feel confident that I'll succeed at my task. I promise to you that I'll leave no dumbass unturned.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Keith Olberprick - Bloated Dumbass UPDATED (scroll down for Update)

Olberdickweed
One of the things I like about doing this blog is that, from time to time, when the High and Mighty (people that hold themselves in great esteem) pull seriously dumbass stunt, I'm the first in line to rip them a new asshole. Today I found a story that I just couldn't not write about and it couldn't have happened to a bigger douchebag of a dumbass. I'm talking about, of course, of one of the most egotistical, arrogant, condescending, elitist dumbasses the human race has ever seen. I speak, of course, of Keith Olbermann.

Our (bathtub) boy Olberdick took one to the shorts yesterday when it was disclosed that he gave a total of $7200 to three democrats running for public office. This is a big no no for employees of NBC's news division and is probably a breach of the ethics clause in his contract with the network. Dumbass. Olberdumbass has been suspended indefinitely without pay while the network "investigates" the incident. Olberpunk has admitted that he did indeed make these contributions to the three campaigns. All three are Democrats. Go figure.

I have a question that I haven't seen asked yet. When the person(s) in charge of keeping track of campaign contributions and contributors sees the name "Keith Olbermann" on the donations list, shouldn't he/she/they say something like "Hey, Boss, is the Keith Olbermann or is this the Keith Olbermann from French Lick, Indiana?" But these people are Democrats/Dumbasses (the terms are interchangeable), so expecting them to do a little footwork to find out what's up is like asking a fat kid to guard the ice cream. Dumbasses.


Olberclit is known to name the "Worst Person In the World" on his program, so in honor of that, I am going name Olbercrackhead the "Biggest Dumbass In the World"!! Keefums, I hear there's an opening at NPR. You might wanna check that out because you've worn out your welcome everywhere else. They might have room for ego, too. Dumbass.

 UPDATE: I was cruisin' around the internet and stopped at one of favorite blogs, JammieWearingFool. Jammie has some reactions to Olberturd's suspension from the Liberal pussies at Kos. Click the link and hilarity will ensue.

Dumbasses Ride Again!

Since I am the Head Dumbass around here, there are times when an Executive Dumbass Decision is in order, and today is one of those times. I am bit under the weather, so I Executive Decided to make today's post a "Best of..." (or should that be "Worst of...?) thing. Therefore, I went through the blog archives ( for those of you in San Francisco that means I looked through some old stories...dumbasses) At any rate, I picked out some of the more dumbass posts from the past and will re-post them for your reading pleasure. And by that I mean that you can read these stories and find someone whose life is more screwed up than yours. Kind of a therapeutic deal, ya know? And it's free. if you were to get this treatment from a licensed dumbass like a shrink, you'd be paying $125 per hour. You're welcome.

  • Dear Dead Person... - Since the government ain't much help to you while you're living and breathing, they are more than willing to give you a hand while you are taking a dirt nap! This could be a very lucrative business for the right person. I won't give you any ideas about how it could be a gold mine, but you don't have to be Einstein to figure it out.
  • Dumbass Vampires- Vampires seem to be all the rage these days. I don't understand why that is so, but I do know that anybody who dabbles in such bullshit is a dumbass. 
  • Tattoos Are Forever, Dumbass- I, personally, don't see what the big deal about tattoos is. They're just not my mug of beer, so to speak. I must admit, though, that I have seen some great works of art etched on some people. Then again, there are some dumbasses that carry "body art" to the extreme and the dumbass in our story today is one of those people.
Warning: Too much dumbassery can be harmful to your well being. I just made that up, so you're safe to read about dumbasses all day long if you wanna. By the way, if you've got a dumbass story that you'd like to share with the rest of the world, drop me a line at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. I'd love to hear from you.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

San Francisco is Full of McDumbasses

I have been puzzled by something for many years now, and it continues to befuddle me to this very day. How in the name of all that is Holy could one of the most beautiful cities in the world be inhabited by some of the dumbest sons of bitches to ever breathe the air of this planet? A place where the Dumbass is so thick, you could cut it with a block of tofu. I am speaking , of course, of San Francisco. I have been to San Francisco just once and that was to be picked up at the airport, so I didn't spend any time in the city. But my experience at the airport has scarred me for life. How so?, you ask. This is how so. I had just gotten off the plane and was headed to the Luggage Eater Turbo 5000 to get my suitcase, when one of those golf cart on steroids thingies trying break the sound barrier came zooming by me. The cart was manned by two Oriental guys. No problem...until the souped up golf cart thingy came to a stop and these two young Oriental guys started kissing! Right in the middle of the airport! I mean these two guys were playing some serious Tonsil Hockey. Having seen that, I went to the nearest airport bar and drank several beers to forget what I had just seen. Then I realized that there ain't enough booze in San Fran to get me drunk enough to unsee that. What I saw can not be unseen! Don't get me wrong. If these two guys wnated to do the Tonsil Hockey mambo, that's fine with me. But please don't do that shit in public! I am telling you this story to lay the groundwork for the main idea of this post: San Francisco is a fucked up city.

Here's the deal: One of the questions on the recent election ballot in San Francisco was something like "Do you want to ban toys in Happy Meals in our fucked up city?". What the fuck? You mean to tell me that the local government in San Fransissy has nothing more pressing on their fucked up city's to do list than to ban toys in Happy Meals? Slap me down and call me Shorty. Has it really come to this, where the city government can ban a frakkin' toy in a Happy Meal? If I'm Mc Donalds, I'm packing up my Quarter Pounder with Cheese and gettin' the hell outta there. The reasoning behind this dumbass decision according to HotAir.com: Under the ban agreed in a preliminary vote Tuesday, restaurants in San Francisco would have to provide fruit and vegetables with meals accompanied by free toys, according to the San Francisco Chronicle…" Speaking of fruits...each year in San Frasissy, they hold an event called "Folsom Street Fair". Sounds innocent enough, doesn't it? Folsom Street Fair is the furthest thing in the world from innocence. WARNING: What you are about to see is sickening. If you are easily offended, then DO NOT click the following link. Consider yourself warned and proceed at your own risk. Ban the toys in Happy Meals and let this stuff go on unimpeded! This is allowed. Toys in Happy Meals are not.
I'll bet you a dollar that if McDonalds put a McDildo in their Happy Meals, there would be no complaint whatsoever. Dumbasses.

These are the same people that keep electing dumbasses like Nancy Pelosi to Congress over and over again. For one of the few times in my life, I am speechless. And nauseated. California is a beautiful place with much history and natural beauty. It's this side (ban the toys and Folsom Street) of California, that people see and remember and that's very sad to me. Maybe some day.....

Dumbasses.

**Photo from unionstreetinn.com**

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Dumbass Meets The God of Irony Up Close and Personal

Sometimes the God of Dumbass Irony, or Earl as he is called, has a wickedly cruel sense of humor. For example, take 19 year old Matthew Nieveen, please(!) hahahahahaha Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony, must have waited years for this twist of fate to occur. It's so unbelievable, it's believable. The stars of the constellation "Dumbass" were in perfect order, the moon was in the seventh house, Mercury was in retrograde (which, according a friend of mine, is bad mojo waiting to happen) and the final ingredient of this recipe of ironic circumstance is one full tilt boogie dumbass. That's where my man Matthew comes in. Matthew is a dumbass, as you'll shortly see. Read the post first then get a look at the photo at the end of the article.

The story that pegs the Irony Meter takes place in Lincoln, Nebraska, where NOTHING good ever happens, unless it's the annual ass-kickin' that the Texas Longhorns put on the Nebraska Cornhuskers. That's another thing about Lincoln, they call themselves Cornhuskers. What the fuck is a Cornhusker other than a guy who can husk corn? Do they have degrees in cornhusking at NU? Is the mere mention of the word "cornhusker" supposed to strike fear into the hearts of your athletic opponent? The only way the word "cornhusker" would scare the hell out of anybody is if all "cornhuskers" were women from Nebraska. But, I digress.

Back to our dumbass, Matthew, and his 15 minutes of infamy. Matthew goes to this party where alcoholic beverages are being served. (Since our story takes place in Lincoln, NE, the drinks served at this party probably have little umbrellas in them, but, again, I digress) The party in question is a Halloween party. So far, so good. (except for the drinks with tiny umbrellas in them) Matthew, who you'll remember is only 19, goes to the Halloween party and has two drinks with little umbrellas in them and gets el drunk-o. I'd like to note for the record here, that the women Cornhuskers polished off two kegs of Pabst Blue Ribbon, while the boys had the drinks with little umbrellas in them. This is Nebraska, remember. Anyway, my main man, Matt, gets hammered and makes the foolish decision to drive home while being wasted on drinks with little umbrellas in them. While Matthew is operating his motor vehicle under diminished capacity, he gets pulled over by the Lincoln Police, who hate pansies like Matthew who drive drunk, especially when they are tanked on... you guessed it, drinks with little umbrellas in them.

The law then administers road side sobriety tests (which in Nebraska involved husking corn) to Matthew, which he fails miserably. He was, however, alert enough to present the arresting officer a keepsake little umbrella from one of his drinks he had earlier. The cop was not amused. (I just made that part up for dramatic dumbass effect).

IRONY ALERT! Guess what our man Matt was wearing when he got busted? A breathalyser costume! I. Kid.You. Not. This is almost as funny as a green turd in a punch bowl. Those Nebraskans, God bless 'em have the misfortune of being cornhuskers, then Earl, the God of Irony steps in like James Brown throwing a fourth and 2 pass from deep inside his own territory to his tight end and ends up with a 62 yard gain. Remember that, Cornhuskers? Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony could not have more cruel to our man Matthew than if he put one more second on the clock and your opponent kicks the field goal that costs you the Conference Championship. Doggone that Earl, he's trickster, ain't he? A breathalyser costume! bwahahahaha  Life must be hell being a Cornhusker and life must really suck if you're Matthew - drunk, in jail and out one little umbrella from a foo foo drink. Dumbass. PIC BELOW**

A Dumbass and His Irony\

**Photo courtesy of The Smoking Gun.com

Dumbass Laws, Part 6 - Post Election Edition

As you know, we had elections around the country last night and many Americans look for their elected representatives to take their oath of office and immediately begin the process of repealing some of the dumbass laws which have been passed in the last couple years. While our national leaders are gearing up for fun, froth and frivolity of being in the US Congress, on a local level, people are hopeful that the repeal of local dumbass laws is inevitable. Today, we'll again bring to your attention to some of those dumbass laws with the proverbial target on their backs. Let's get to it.

Montana - In this Big Sky Country state, it is against the law to drive with ice picks attached to your wheels.
DN - Next thing you know, they'll make it illegal to drive with a fattie attached to your lips.

Nebraska - If a kid burps during a church service in Omaha, his parents could face arrest.
DN - Thank God I only slept during Mass on Sundays.

Nevada - Everyone wlaking the streets of Elko, Nevada are required to wear a mask.
DN- I ain't got a problem with this one. Have you ever seen the women of Elko, Nevada? If you have then you'll understand the reason this law is a necessity. U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, you ugly.

New Hampshire - New Hampshire is the only state with which Maine shares a border. It's kind of a buffer between us (Maine) and Massivetwoshits. Anyway, in New Hampshire you can not pay off a gambling debt with the clothes you are currently wearing.
DN - despite the presence of this law, there is a major black market for "businessmen" who loan money extremely beautiful and equally stupid young women. Don't you just love the free enterprise system?

New Jersey - The Garden State makes it illegal to frown at a policeman.
DN - This is quite possibly the most dumbass law ever! I mean, think about it. These people live in New Frakkin' Jersey! What the hell is there to smile about?

In closing, I'd like to pass on to the people of New Jersey this piece of advice : Smile at a cop. It'll make him wonder what you're up to. And if you're lucky, it could be your ticket out of there.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Dumbass Laws, Part 5

I think that posting about dumbass laws today is a great and appropriate idea, considering this is Election Day in the USA. For our readers outside the United States, I have some thoughts on this Election Day on my other blog, Three States Plus One. Check that out and let me know what you think in the comment section on Three States Plus One. Anyway, back to dumbass laws. Over the last 4 years since the Democrats took control of both houses of Congress, they have passed several dumbass laws that affect all Americans and, believe it not, the rest of the world. Obama Care and that clusterfuck known as the "stimulus" package are two examples of dumbass laws enacted by the current Congress. On the local level, the dumbass laws on the books do not have the scope of damage that the Federal laws do, there are still some doozies out there all across the Fruited Plain. So, let's find them and ridicule them accordingly, shall we?

Massachusetts - It is illegal for a man to wear a goatee without a license.
DN - Where to start? Let's start with Barney Frank. Is it legal for ol' Barney Boy to have someone's gazebos (balls) slapped across his chin without a license? Just askin'.

Michigan - This is a good one. In Clawson, it is allowed by law for a "farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats and chickens".
DN - I hear that this particular ordinance is quite the rage in Dearbornistan, except for the pigs of course, but the goats and cows are all the rage there, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Minnesota - Women can be sentenced to 30 days in jail for impersonating Santa Claus.
DN - I have been to Minnesota and I've got to tell you, the women there are perfect to play Santa Claus. They (the women of Minnesota) have the right body build and the beards to match. Just sayin'.

Mississippi - The law: It is still legal to kill one's servant.
DN - No wonder Mississippi leads the nation in widows per 100,000 people. Think about it.

Missouri - In Saco, MO, it is against the law for women to wear hats that might frighten timid persons, children or animals.
DN - Hats, schmats. What if the broad is fugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road? That ought to be illegal. Hats come and go, but fugly is forever.

There you have it. An election day reminder that not all dumbasses live in Washington, D.C.So, America, get off your ass and go vote out a dumbass today. Your country depends on you.





    Monday, November 1, 2010

    Dumbass Laws, Part 4

    In our never-ending quest to find dumbassery from around the world, we decided once again to focus on the Fruited Plains. America is the greatest country is the history of history, but a country as diverse as ours, with a population of over 300,000,000 people, is destined to have its fair share of dumbasses. And we do. I can name you 535 of biggest dumbasses in the country right now and they are all in one place, Washington, D.C. In your local government you'll find a shitload of dumbasses, too. I can prove it, too, no matter what state you live in. For example, in:

    Kansas: In Wichita, for example, it's against the law to carry a concealed bean snapper!
    DN: I have been to Wichita, and let me tell you, you just never know when you are gonna be attacked by a giant bean that needs snapping. In my opinion, this is a just step closer to potato peeler control, and they can have my potato peeler when they pry it from my cold dead hands! Dumbasses.

    Kentucky: A person is considered sober until he/she "can no longer hold on to the ground."
    DN: Kentucky is now in the Top 5 of places I want to live. This is a great law for guys like me. I have been drunk many times in my 54 years (I am not proud of it, but it's the truth) and I have never once failed to hold on to the ground. No matter how hard I fell.

    Louisiana: I love Looziana. The people, the food, the topless bars...But seriously, folks, Looziana is great place, but it is not exempt from having dumbasses in its midst. Take this for example: In the Big Easy (New Orleans), firetrucks are required by law to stop at all red lights.
    DN: To my way of thinking, that's a good thing if the firetruck is not on an emergency call. But if the firetruck is headed  to fire, this ain't such a hot idea. <---I made a funny. But nothing would surprise me coming from a city where tens of thousands of people elect to stay in the path of a Category 5 hurricane after several days of being told to get the fuck outta town! Dumbasses.

    Maine: In a town about 20 miles up I-95 from my house , Waterville, it's illegal for a person to blow his nose in public.
    DN:  Next thing you know they'll outlaw scratching your gazebos in public. Dumbasses.

    Maryland: In Baltimore, it's illegal to scrub or wash sinks no matter how dirty they may be.
    DN: I have heard stories about Baltimore and this doesn't surprise me.

    I think with the above information, it's safe to say that there are many dumbasses to go around in our nation. That reminds me. Don't forget to vote tomorrow.
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