Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: 2011 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Now for the Prison Bitch Headed for Hell Dummy Award!

Prison Lesbian - My Kind of Prison Bitch
The 1st Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial You Big Dummy Awards keep rolling on like a snowball headed for Hell. Which is where this blog has been headed for quite some time - straight to Hell. Oh well, I'd rather laugh with the sinners than die with the Saints, I guess.  Speaking of Hell...


In our next Dummy category, the Best Performance by a Prison Bitch Headed for Hell Division, we have some of our fellow citizens who ain't exactly starin' St. Peter square in the eye. For these dumbasses, the Pearly Gates are seemingly welded shut. Let me splain. 


The nominees for this particular Dummy are not what we call productive, law-abiding Americans. These men are killers, escapees and lifers. They may be God's children, but unless they find Jesus real quick, they will end up as God's red-headed step children. Nothing against red heads or step kids - I have both in my immediate family. So quit yer bitchin'. 


The nominees...


Inmate Sues Prisons Over Soy - This asswipe is doing life without parole for being real naughty. So what does he waste his time on? Suing the Florida Department of Corrections (or whatever) because they (the FDOC) use soy in their meat products. And by "soy" I mean beans, not sauce. This ain't Wung Fu's Chinese Take Out we're talking about here. This is prison, dumbass! You want steak?  Don't do shit that'll put you in The Big House.


Another Dumbass with a Tattoo Is Now a Prison Bitch - This shit for brains murdered another gangbanger and thought he had gotten away with it. El wrong-o, Frijole breath. He gets a tattoo depicting the crime and the crime scene. The only thing he left off the tat was his inmate number. He can get that added now. Read the story. It's beaut.


Ed Takes a Walk into Prison Bitch-hood - Ed, the dumbass, got a five year hitch for some kind of dumb shit and was doing a fine job of serving it - until he got on the prison work detail program. One day, Ed just walked away. He was busted for pissing in public thirty years later! ed is now serving his original sentence plus a lot more. It's a heart-braking story. Really. No kiddin'. Yeah...right.

And the winner of the Prison Bitch Headed for Hell Dummy award is.....Ed!!! The dip stick was only a little while away from completing his sentence and would have been under 30 years of age upon said completion. he's now 50 and will be lucky to see the light of day as a free man ever again.


Dumbass.
 

Best Performance by a Stoned Dumbass; The Dummy Goes To...

Makes You Hungry Just Lookin' at It
What would such a splendor of an Award Ceremony such as The Dummies be without a category that features dumbasses and pot? Nothing, I say! Fraudulent! fake! Cheap! Well, OK, I'll give you "cheap", maybe even "fraudulent" on the right day, but still nothing!

Several posts about dumbasses and the herb superb have made it past the High Sheriffs at Blogger.com in the past year and have gone on to be some of the most-read entries of All Time. Therefore, I find it only fitting that we include a "dumbass and pot" selection to this year's Dummies. 

Aaaaaaand the nominees for Best Performance By a Stoned Dumbass are...

A Guy Named Gus, His Ducks and Pot - The popularity of this post took me by surprise. But then again, it's about a French guy whose name ain't really Gus, but some pussy French name like Claude or Michele, who raises ducks and feeds them le weed as the French say. Without giving away the whole story, the pussified Fwench (not a typo) policie (another pussy fwench word) respond to a shit load of pot Gus has been feeding his ducks by saying, "We have nev-ere seen sooch a ting before". Les dipshits.

Homeless Dumbass, His Condo Truck and a Stoned Car Thief - How is it that homeless guys, God bless 'em, are always in the middle of some stoopid shit? Even the nice, "upper crust" homeless guys like the victim in this story. Oh, yeah, the bad guy in this episode is in possession of (you guessed it!) marijuana!

How to Lose $425 Large Worth of Pot in One Easy Lesson - This one of the stoopidest things I have ever heard of. And that's saying a lot. Long story short; dumbasses with 425 large worth of pot get carjacked. call cops. Dumbassery and possible homicide ensue.

The stoned morons in this category are such dumb fucks that they warrant an extra nomination for a Dummy in this category. 

Truck Full of Pot Wrecks; Weed Stolen by Passersby! - Yup. It happened. In California. Go figger.

Wrangling up a "winner" from this group was a very touch chore. But, I did it. And the "winner" of The Dummy is......

Gus and his stoned ducks! If it tweaks the Fwench, I am all for it.

Dumbass pussies.

Dummy Awards Update!

Our Hero
We will be posting the Dummy Award Wineers for 2011 throughout the day today, so check back regularly so you won't miss the latest!

Thanks, 
Toby
Head Dumbass

The 2011 Dummies! Dead People Division

The New Marital Aid?
Welcome back to the 2011 Dummy Awards, Dumbasses! Moving on to our next Dummy presentation...This Dummy will be going to the Best Performance by a Dumbass, Dead People Division. We had a great year for dead people and dumbasses (unless you were the dead person) in 2011. This category spanned the Dead People spectrum from gubmint fuck ups with dead people to banks and dead people to well, you just name it...2011 was memorable for dead folks all the way around.

The nominees for Best Performance by a Dumbass, Dead People Division are...

The Gubmint and Dead People - This is one of my personal favorites. I always enjoy a good story about what a bunch of dumbasses we have working for our Federal Gubmint. And this tory gives me hope that in the future our grand children will have just as a quality, if not better, of Dumbass working for them a hundred years from now.


Dumbass Shoots, Kills Wife During Sex - I love a good, kinky romance story as much as the next dumbass, but some things are better left undone. I'm just sayin'.


SSA says Lady is Alive. She Says Nothing. She's DEAD! - More gubmint incompetency as the Sociah Curity Guys try to write a benefit check to a dead woman!

This category of the Dummies was a tough nut to crack. there were several excellent stories to choose form so I can't go wrong no matter what, but I liked these three the best. 

And the winner of the Dummy is....

Dumbass Shoots, Kills Wife During Sex! As weird as it may seem. people die during love making every day. usually it's some medical condition like a heart attack or aneurism that are the cause of the Big Adios. But our man with the gun here exceeded and excelled in the practice of people keelin' over while humping. I'll never see a Dirty Harry movie love scene in the same light again.

The 2011 Dummies! Best performance by a Dumbass, Boobs Division

And the Winner is....
Welcome to the 1st Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial You Big Dummy Awards! Today we will present to you the nominees and winners of the coveted Dummy Awards for outstanding performances by Dumbasses from around the world in various categories of  Dumbassery as  only a true Dumbass can do it. The results of the balloting for the 2011 Dummies have been hermetically sealed in a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 in a dumpster on Skid Row in Los Angeles since the day before yesterday. All results are final and irrevocable as tabulated by three homeless guys in South Dallas after a week-long bender on stale Schlitz Beer.

Now, on to the Dummies!

Category: Best Performance by a Dumbass, Boobs Division


The nominees are:


The Blonde on TruTV - Blonde gets arrested for DUI in Vegas, goes to jail, shows knockers to all people within eye sight. She then files suit saying she was too drunk to sign a release for her and her tits to be shown on TV...a year and a half later! 

Mom Gives Voucher for Boob Job to 7 Year Old Daughter - Mom, who has spent $800,000 on her own "cosmetic" surgeries says she wants the kid to have fake boobs because that's what the kid wants. Fucking brilliant.

81 Year Old Fake Doctor Gives Door to Door Breast Exams - Need I explain?


And the winner of the Dummy is........the 81 Year old Fake Doctor Giving Door to Door Breast Exams! This one was easy. While the drunk lady in the Vegas lock up and the idiot Mom giving the gift of fake boobs to her 7 year old are worthy of nomination, any 81 year old guy who can go door to door and convince women to let him feel their boobs is The Man of the Century as far as I am concerned. Congratulations you dirty old bastard and I hope you stay a dirty old bastard until you are a dead old bastard. Well done, Sir. Well done indeed.


You Big Dummy!

Friday, December 30, 2011

Adios Dumbasses of 2011, Hello New Dumbasses of 2012!

New Year, New Dumbasses
2011. It came in like a knot head and is going out like a full-fledged Dumbass. I thought when I started writing this blog that it would be a cool "hobby" to have for a while. And maybe make some money. It certainly was a cool "hobby" to have, but the making money part? Not so much. See: Button, "Donate". Right sidebar. Anyway, I figgered I'd do this Dumbass thang for a while and come up with something else equally as stoopid to do at some later date. After all, 99.99% of all new blogs on the intertubes go the way of Monica Lewinsky. One little blowjob and then you're kicked to the curb. Without a blue dress. Little did I realize back in September, 2010 that Dumbass News would become more than an internet BJ, but a daily source of dumbassery for people from all over the world! From one hundred twenty-one (121) countries around the world! It was natural that since I was at the time also publishing Three States Plus One, that some of my readers on 3 States would click over to the new blog called Dumbass News. And boy did they click over! Both of them! And one of those was my mother. Simply put, I wasn't overwhelmed by the migrating hordes of internet users. Hell, I wasn't even "whelmed".

Well, my little "hobby" is almost a year and a half old now. I have no idea how we've lasted this long when so many of our blogging bretheren and sisteren have gone on to that Big Deleted Blog Folder in the Sky. I know that my literary skills are unmatched by mortal men since the Great Joe Bob Briggs, Drive-In Movie Critic extraordinaire. I bow before Joe Bob. My wit and insight are that of Richard Pryor and Super Dave Osborne. Brash, but brave. Profane, yet professional. Some bull, all shit. In spite of the amazing qualities and abilities that I possess and the throngs of Dumbass Women all over the world emailing me photos of their nose hairs, my humility remains as resolute and steadfast as ever. This worldwide fame has not, in the smallest way, affected my everyday life. It's a burden I am obligated to bear.

But, Seriously, Folks...

As I prepare a post revealing the winners of The Dummies in various categories of Dumbassery, I am, in all honesty and with great humility thankful for the time you take from your busy ass day doing things like screaming at the kids or cussing the stoopid bitch on Days of Our Lives for being the only soul in the city that doesn't know what everybody else in Salem already knows about E.J. Di Mera to fuckin' off at work to educate yourself in the ways of Human Nature and Dumbassery, to read what I have to say. Each time one of you clicks over to Dumbass News, you prove a point that I make every day on these very pixels. The world is filled to the brim with...

...Dumbasses.



Happy New Year. 
Toby
Head Dumbass

Final Dumbass of the Year Candidate - Assault With Deer Antlers!

Remember these?
I have, as my late Dad used to say, been around the coffee cup huntin' the handle. In other words, I have been there and done that. But I have never, and I mean never heard of such a thing as "assault with deer antlers". Now I have. thanks to this blog. Who says that dumbassery can't be an educational tool? Obviously some one who is just a mere "dipshit" and not a Certified Dumbass like me. Ha!

This where our final nominee for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award comes in. let me stress to you that I did not make this story up. I ain't that smart. Or that dumb. Whichever. 

Deer Dumbass 

There is no way I could explain this tale of love and antlers that would be any better than when I wrote about it a couple of weeks ago.  

Am I ever glad that that one made it to press just before the cutoff date for this year's Dummy Awards. having done so, it is out final nominee for the Dumbass of the Year Award for 2011, and what a year in Dumbassville it has been for your Mayor here.  But, wait there's more!


More

I will announce to the world the winner of the Dumbass of the Year Award on Tuesday, January 3, 2012. However! Tomorrow, New Year's Eve, I will be bringing to you the winners in the various categories of the DOY Awards! You won't want to miss that! After reading the results of my tabulations, you'll want to get a major head start on your drinking for the last night of 2011! What fun!

Be sure to set your alarms so you'll be the first in your neighborhood to say, "Bring me a beer, Woman!" Fucking drunk. And...

...Dumbass.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Another "Dummy" Nominee! 5 Day Cell Phone Guy!

Not for Dumbasses
This time of year always makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. That's because I eat a lot of Meskin food during the Holiday Season. Do you realize what a ton of jalapenos and onions will do to your intestinal tract? Two words: Ass. Explosions. 'Nuff said. 

On the real side, I really do enjoy the latter part of December. Not because of the Christmas thing and all that, but because it's the time of year that we at Dumbass News get to look back over the 300+ posts from 2011 and determine who wins the most sought after  prize in the History of the Internet ©. The "Dummy"! 

Yes, friends, I have so much time on my hands that I can actually look through over 300 posts from this year and pick out a handful that are "Dummy"-worthy. Is that sad or what? Now, if each of you were to hit the ole "Donate" button in the right sidebar with a five spot once a month, my lifestyle would improve so I could get off my ass and waste a shitload of money at the strip club take my wife and kids out to eat once in a while. Regardless, I shall sally forth in the great name and cause of dumbassery, exposing the truly demented things that Dumbasses from every nook and cranny of this planet do on a daily basis. It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it. 

Gilligan's Island Dumbass  

I have posted this one story numerous times throughout the year and it has been a hit every. single. time. It's that good. It's about a guy who took a quick trip to an island just off the California coast just to get away from it all. Like millions of other people, the guy took his cell phone along for the ride. Then he got stranded and a major case of the Dumbass set in. Here's the story in its entirety.

See what I mean? When the Dumbass hits, it knows no limits to the idiocy it heaps on its innocent, but fucking stoopid, victims.

Our Third Nominee  

Any human being with an ounce of brain power that can do something that damn dumb is a perfect candidate for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Award. Hence, this dumbass is our third nominee for this most-cherished of prizes. Let's just hope the guy doesn't get lost on the way to the award ceremonies. He might have to call in using his iPhone. And we don't have five days to wait on this sorry nitwit.

Not for Dumbasses either.
Dumbass.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Dumbass of the Year Nominee - Dwarf Tossers!

Potential Tossees
There are many things that make this country the unique place that it is. The Declaration of Independence, The Constitution, the Federalist Papers and so on and so forth. But enough he secondary things that separate us from the rest of the world. 

All American

Let's get to the red meat. Real American things. Merle Haggard. Shakespeare with a guitar. The guy is brilliant. NASCAR. Turn left a lot, go faster than the other guy and try not to wreck when you're 6 inches off another car's rear bumper going 200 mph. These men are frakkin' incredible.  And certainly last but not least by any means, dwarf tossing! There is nothing more American than picking up a small person and hurling them through the at incredible speeds. OK, I made up the part about incredible speeds. That requires rockets and most Dwarf Tossers do not own or have access to rockets. Unless they are terrorists. But terrorists only toss teensy weensy camels, so screw 'em all. Pussies. 

As I note in the post you will read in a moment,  dwarf tossing is a God-given right as noted in the Constitution of the United States. Or Dwarf Tossing Weekly, I forget. Anyway, dwarf tossing is an activity the whole family can enjoy together, especially the runts in your family. Dwarf tossing gives them hope for a bright future, a chance to put their natural abilities to work for them. <sniffle> I love this country.

"You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Nominee

Above, I gave you some facts about dwarf tossing. Not only is it the future of America, it is a sport that has made headlines even in the Dumbass World. Read this post to find out more about our second nominee for the coveted Fred G. Sanford "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award. It is sure to make you proud to be an American. I know it did me.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Courtney Love - Nominee for the "You Big Dummy" Award!

You Big Dummy Nominee
Heads up, Dumbasses! I have just completed the most difficult task I have faced as Head Dumbass of this here blog. It was a challenge so taxing, so overwhelming, so stoopid that it took me almost ten minutes to accomplish! What was this most back breaking of assignments? I spent nearly ten full minutes of hell just to come up with the nominees for the Dumbass of the Year Award! You read that right, you dumbass, you! Here come the Dummies!

The 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford "You Big Dummy!"Awards will take place on Saturday, December 31, 2011! I can almost smell the scent of cow manure the aroma of boredom anticipation in the air as the magic day approaches! The Dummies, as they affectionately called, are awarded to the Dumbasses in several categories of Dumbassery as shown throughout the year on these vary pages. And let me tell you, with over 300 dumbasses to choose from, this is a bunch of bullshit monumental undertaking. I vow to you fellow Dumbasses, not matter how daunting, no mater how treacherous, no matter how many quarters I have to flip to determine a winner, I shall tackle this challenge no matter the obstacles! Our first nominee for the coveted You Big Dummy Dumbass of the year award is....

The First Nominee

Our first potential recipient of this coveted award is Courtney Love. The former Mrs. Kurt CobainCoincidentally, the stoopid Hole (<-----bwahahahahaha, some of you will get the pun there), is till living off a dead guy's name and his money, which is a perfect gig for Courtney because she is a no talent, drug abusin', skinny ass bimbo whose home address is listed as "Rehab". Hell, the bitch is nominated for the Big Dummy Award! How much lower can she fall? Baby, let me tell you, when you get nominated for Dummy by this blog, you have not only hit rock bottom, you have dug yourself a Hole (<---another funny, hahahaha) close enough to Hell to cook popcorn. 

The Story that Got Courtney Love Here  

This tale of romance knows no bounds, as told in this touching post.

Now that you read that and puked up your breakfast, you have an idea of what to expect during the Dummy nominating process. It ain't purty, folks. It ain't purty.

Dumbasses.

Monday, December 26, 2011

The Give and Take of Dumbass Karma

A Minefield in Waiting
I woke up this morning in hopes of it all being a bad dream, a side trip to the Twilight Zone. Alas, it was not to be. It was real. As real as the credit card bills sure to follow. Now that's real. 

I am talking about this morning, the day after Christmas. I was awakened like somebody took a Louisville Slugger to my skull. Pow! Right in the kisser! Actually it was Bailey the 4 Year Old with a still-unwrapped, fresh, new toy from Santa. In a minute or two, she brought in another one. Then another one. Goodbye, nice, warm, comfy fancy schmancy bed, hello cold as hell downstairs computer chair and the real world. Once downstairs, I skillfully navigated a veritable minefield of Christmas toys scattered about the living room, stumbling over a Hot Wheels Race Track but gracefully maintaining my balance like I meant to do it. Ha! Pure luck and like the old saying goes, "I'd rather be lucky than good any day." 

Nice People and a Blue Streak

Today's story takes place in, of all the places on Earth, in Ogden, Utah. Utah has got to have the sweetest people in the world living there. If a Utahn says,"Oh, darn it!", he has cussed up a blue streak according to the Sweetest People in the World Utah Almanac, Chapter 2, "Cussing Up a Blue Streak in Utah". You can only imagine the scorn heaped upon a Utahn if he were to blurt out "boobie" or something. It's not a pretty sight, I can assure you. Anyway, on to the story.
The Story

These two guys in Ogden were not members of the Sweetest People in the World Club, they were thieves. The guys got busted for doing their Christmas shoplifting early this year. A store security guy caught the two crooks and cited them for stealing make up (?) and some other stuff totaling about $26 and lets them go. So they head back to their truck which was parked near-by, empty-handed, embarrassed and busted.  Could anything go wrong that would be worse than that? Are you kiddin' me? This is Dumbass News, of course something more humiliating is gonna happen!

Christmas Karma

So the two dumbasses make it back to their truck only to find out...wait...for...it...the truck had been burglarized! I ain't makin' this up! I would have given a million dollars to have seen the looks on these two idiots' faces. Talk about a new MasterCard commercial! I can see it now. Shoplifting, $26. Court fees and fines, $300. The look on the faces of shoplifters whose truck had been broken into, priceless. It's kinda funny how life has a way of smacking you down and calling you "Shorty", especially if you just got nailed for stealing. Who ever said that God doesn't have a sense of humor must be an atheist. "Cause this is damn funny! bwahahahahahahahahahaha

The Public Excoriation of Two Morons

The Dumbass Salute!
If you live in or near the Ogden, Utah area, you can participate in a fun-for-all game called Humiliate Stoopid as a Spitwad Criminals! This game entitles players identify and roundly and loudly denigrate ignoramus thieves like Kori Vanhouten and Eldon Alexander. These guys are the two Einsteins who pulled off the Dumbass Daily Double of getting busted for stealing and getting and being stolen from in a span of about five minutes. Congratulations, men! You have accomplished something as rare as hen's teeth and a million times more embarrassing. I salute you!

Dumbasses.


Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Dumbass Way to Follow Santa's Trip!

Merry Christmas!
OK, Dumbasses, it's time to to make final preparations for the arrival of the Fat Guy in the Red Suit later tonight. I have done a bit of Google Fu and come up with several web sites that track the Jolly Old Elf as he delivers goodies to all the boys and girls around the world. the most famous and popular of these sites is the NORAD site. This is one thing that the gubmint does right.  NORAD has been tracking Santa on his yearly journey for many years, and I think that they are the most reliable and accurate. Here are the results of my Google Fu search prowess that might be of interest to you. It consists of a boatload of sites that keep an eye on The Fat Guy in the Red Suit during his flight. I might also suggest that one or more of your local TV and/or radio stations may also have the technology to track Santa and his reindeer. The point is that there is no shortage of resources that will help you and your kids follow Santa's trip. Many sites also give you an approximate time that the Fat Guy in the Red Suit will be in your state, maybe even your neighborhood!

Sappy Stuff

You know, I get pretty stoopid and raunchy here on Dumbass News, but right now I want to be somewhat serious. 

I am so grateful to you for taking a few minutes of your time each day to lower your IQ at least five points by reading this blog. Now if you'd just hit the damn Tip Jar! It is Christmas time after all. :)

The Real Side

On the real side, Let me take a second to wish all you Dumbasses, Mrs. Dumbasses and all the little Dumbasses a blessed and joyous Christmas. Remember those words, "joyous" and "blessed" That's the last time you'll ever see them on this blog! 

God bless you all. 


Dumbasses.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Dumbass Orders from Mom

Now in Three Pieces
Tomorrow night is Christmas Eve, as you have been reminded no less than 16 gazillion reptilian million times. I have heard the word "Christmas" so many times this week that I am growing mistletoe out of my ears.

Reprimanded by Mom 


A few weeks ago, I got an email from my Mom asking me to cut back on the cussin'. A couple of hours ago, I received the dreaded second email from Mom"asking" me to watch my potty mouth. A second email is the sure sign of me getting my ass kicked by a 5 foot nothin', 73 year old little old lady. Even in my advancing years, I can still see the yard stick she broke three times on my tiny hiney when I was about 11 years old. When she broke it the first time, it was pretty funny but I kept a proper face for getting your ass beat. The second time it broke in half, not so much. The third time, I was laughing so hard I almost pissed myself, she was furious as hell with look of Satan in her eyes, standing there in the driveway holding about 10 inches of what was a 3 foot yard stick just moments earlier. She never spanked me again.

The Story Was Told for a Reason

Actually there are several reason for telling that story. If I can remember all of them I'll fill you in.
  •  1). She is my Mom - When she says something, I'd better listen good. I do. 
  • 2) She is my Mom (Part 2) - She can still kick my ass.
  • 3) Mom is NEVER wrong -  I wouldn't tell my Mother that she is wrong even if she called a Bengal tiger a butterfly. I'd just say, "Yes, ma'am" and leave it be.
Still Cussin'

Don't worry fellow Dumbasses, I will continue to use my usual vocabulary while writing my always prize worthy posts, just not as much, asswipes. It's for Mom. She reads this blog ya know. And now she owns a metal yard stick.

Dumbasses.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Leon, Our Adopted Felon Says Merry Christmas!

Here's some more Christmas cheer from last year. For those who are late to the Dumbass party, this is your chance to learn about Leon, the Adopted Felon of Dumbass News. After reading this post, you will not only know what kind of dumbass Leon is, but you, too, will love him to pieces. Ladies and gentlemen, Leon, Adopted Felon of Dumbass News.

 As we enter the home stretch for Christmas and the insanity only intensifies, I thought it would be a good time to bring you some news that will undoubtedly brighten your day. Better still, if you get down in the mouth or bored at the job, you can always return to this page, read this story once (or twice) more and, like magic, you will be uplifted all over again! Let's shake off that Christmas anxiety with this item guaranteed to bring a smile to your otherwise I-look-like-I-just-found-out-that-my-wife-threw-away-a-winning-SuperLotto-ticket-worth-$60-million face. Onward and upward we go. :


  • Our inspirational tale comes to us from Waco. For those of you who are not familiar with Waco, it is a very conservative town. Waco is home to Baylor University, the oldest university in Texas, and Baylor is a Baptist college, i.e., Waco is a very conservative city. Knowing this is true, to me at least, means that if you ever have to go through the criminal justice system, chances are that the jury of your peers hearing your case would be made up of very conservative (read: law and order types) people. To not realize this fact, you would have to be a dumbass. Leon Willis Wilkerson, 55, is a dumbass of the highest order. I mean this guy was beat with the Dumbass Stick. A lot. Here's why : Leon has been through courts in McClennan County before - to the tune of twelve(!) misdemeanors and eight felonies! But, wait! There's more! Our new friend Leon is a smoker. He was jonesing for a butt so bad, he stole a carton of cigarettes from a local store in Waco and got busted. This time, Leon's journey through the legal system ended quite badly for him. Ol' Leon ran into a jury of nice, conservative Baptists and those 12 people were nice enough to slap Mr. Wilkerson with 99 years in prison! For a carton of smokes! How dare they! Oh, wait. There were those eight other pesky felonies and twelve misdemeanors Leon had racked up. Being the nice, conservative Baptist people that they are, they determined Leon to be a habitual criminal - hence 99 years in the slammer. That's 9.9 years per pack of Newports there, Leon.  I have a sneaky feeling that Leon will be smoking in prison, but it won't be Newports, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Dumbass.
This little anecdote should be your inspiration to have a great pre-Christmas Tuesday. Your boss may suck, you may be extremely tired or you could be suffering from allergies or something, but things could be worse. You could be Leon. And Leon is a dumbass.

(hat tip to KDFW-TV, Dallas)

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

First Class Dumbass - Mail Man Delivers His Ho Ho Hos

Delivering the Goods
Dear Dumbass Horde, 
 I have another round of medical stuff to do today, so I'll be out town for much of this fine Wednesday. Ever vigilant, I drew from the vast resources of the closet in the Dumbass Mobile Home, and found this wonderful story of compassion for one's fellow man - or in this case, woman. Observe to what lengths our civil servants will go in order to please the people who pay their salaries.

 Have you done something on a dare? Probably so, because we all have at one time or another. I would go so far as to say that the dares we followed through on were silly things that were basically harmless. But! some people are just too much of a dumbass to stay on the harmless side of things. Take for instance, a postman in Whitefish, Wisconsin. This guy is a dumbass. Let me splain.

The dumbass postman in our story today was very concerned about a lady who worked at one of the places he delivered mail to. The lady was down in the dumps about something and the dumbass mail guy wanted to cheer her up. And what a better way to cheer up a forlorn young lady than to deliver her company's mail in the nude! The mail guy offered to do so, as a public service of course, and the sad young lady replied, I double dawg dare ya, you putz."  So, a short time later, the postman showed up nekkid as a jay bird, with his "male bag of goodies" (pun intended) and his "candy cane" full of holiday wishes, if you know what I mean and I think you do. After being arrested, the cops asked him why he did such a dumbass thing, the mail guy said that he wanted to make the sad lady smile. I hear that everyone who worked with the formerly sad lady had a large laugh at such a small package. The boys back at the Post Office, however, failed to see things the dumbass's way, so he was fired from his job. Oh, the lady that was sad at one time said she did nothing to encourage such dumbass behavior from the mail guy. She was looking for something in Parcel Post and all she got was General Delivery.

I feel kinda bad for this particular dumbass losing his job and all just before Christmas. This whole sordid affair does have a happy ending though. The mail guy was never put on trial. The prosecutor said that there was insufficient evidence to stand up in court.

Dumbass.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Mistresses Get Better Christmas Loot Than Wives!

One of "They"?
We are at that time of year where kids are happily awaiting the Fat Dumbass, the Fat Dumbass is busy getting things ready for the kids and parents are drinking heavily because of the kids. I don't drink anymore, so I'll start huffing spray paint (I hear it's loads of fun, filled with lots of near-death experiences!), but that's, as they say, a story for another day. By the way, has anybody ever figured out who "they" is? You hear it all the time in sentences like this:"at the DMV this morning, they told me..." Is "they some schlub who works at the DMV or is ""they" some super secret guy who controls all the license plates in that particular state? You know the I'm talking about, the one who won't let plates for your car that say stuff like, "Fukk Yew". Or"Obama Sucks". The dude has no fucking sense of humor, the dumbass.

Here's another example of "who the hell is"they"?" This one happens every single day all across The Fruited Plain: "They" say we're in for hot one today". Who's "they" in this case? That stoopid groundhog in Pennsylvania? Is "they" some pasty looking dip shit wearing a tie so ugly it'd make a freight train take a dirt road? You know him as the local weather guy. This guy can't even get laid and we expect him to predict the weather? It. Ain't. Happenin'.

More "Theys" 

The "Theys" in this case are sluts. Whores. Ho's. Hookers.I wrote this post a year ago this week because believe or not, it actually has something to do with Christmas!

Here's an excerpt: Naughty Words Alert!  The Internet is a wonderful thing, most of the time. With a few keystrokes, you can look up medical advice, get directions to just about anywhere, read brilliant commentary like you do on this very site (OK, not so much) and set up an extramarital rendezvous. I. Kid.You. Not. You can even find someone to cheat on your spouse with! I am not talking about finding someone in a chat room or party site, I am talking about a site whose sole purpose is specifically to line you up with a paramour! If you think I'm kidding, click here to read the whole thing. It's short and sweet.

Now We Know - Kind Of 

We found who of one group of "theys" is, but we still have much work to do to find out who the others are before they usher in Armageddon. Which means: "good luck with that, Bub." Well, I hafta split. I have a Doctor's appointment to get to in a little while. Because "they" told me I gotta to go.

Dumbasses.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Driving While Star-Gazing! Guess What Happens?

Don't Look at This While Driving
I like outer space. I like stars. I like to look at stares in outer space. At almost any time throughout the day, you can find me tuned in to NatGeo, Discovery Network or, oddly enough, the Green Channel. Those networks often carry stuff about outer space and I'm  always amazed at what's out there. The billions of galaxies, "solar systems", black holes and such. Fascinating stuff. Seeing God's Handiwork intrigues me like nothing else can. Except Swedish lesbians in a loser strips nekkid Mud Match. I wonder if  Lesbian Mud Matches exist on other planets? Sorry...I got carried away. Where I live in New England (on the outskirts of a small city) lights from town are not a major factor when looking for certain stars, constellations or meteors. Did I say "meteors"? 

Meteors

A good meteor shower is a grand thing to watch. To me, it's like a train whistle in the distance. It always makes me wonder where the train is headed to. Some exotic locale thousands of miles away? The same applies to meteors. After they flash by going a gazillion miles per hour, where do they go? The outer reaches of the universe? A trip around the sun that sling shots them back to where they came from? I wish meteors could make a train whistle sound. I like train whistle sounds off in the distance coming from an invisible train on its way to Whereverville.

Our dumbass today likes meteors too. A few nights ago we had the spectacle of the Geminid meteor shower. It happens every year at this time. Anyway, our dumbass whose name wasn't mentioned in the story I read, was driving along through the Angeles National Forest in Calee-forn-ya watching the Geminids flash through the night sky in all their celestial splendor. Problem was, he was still driving while meteor gazing. What could possibly go wrong? I'll tell you what could possibly go wrong. The dumb fuck ran off a cliff while looking at the sky and not the road! The guy went tail pipe over engine block a hundred feet down a damn cliff!

This incident automatically brings to mind a few questions, the most obvious being "Why was this dumbass watching the sky while still driving?" when pulling off onto the aside of the road would have been the safe thing to do. This is Los Angeles! That's why. Next Question: You never know when star gazing gang bangers will happen by and say, "Why look fellows! That Caucasian chap in the Mustang pulled onto the side of the road meteor watching needs to relinquish possession  of his fine automobile to us". Gang bangers don't really talk like that...unless they are from Beverly Hills.Translated to the vernacular the gang guy said, "Look, homies, let's go smash in the honky's skull and take the mothah fuckah's car, my niggas".

Another thing is, ain't it even more dangerous (and stoopid) to star watch while you are actually in a moving car than it is to talk on cell phone while tooling along? Maybe it's just me who thinks like that, but it seems logical to me...and the cops. But we are dealing with a dumbass here so I doubt safe driving was in the same zip code as his mind.

Saved

The dip shit was rescued by the CHP and local cops a bit later and amazingly enough, he walked away with only minor injuries. And a totaled Ford Mustang, model year not given. So, all you young people let this be a lesson to you. Never, I mean never watch a meteor shower while in  moving vehicle. But, there's another lesson we can all learn from this story. Don't pull over to the side of the road either! You never know when a group of gang bangers will come by and crack open your honky skull !

My niggas.

Dumbasses.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Pimpin' Out Christmas

Santa and His Special "Elf"
The Countdown has begun. No, dumbass, not The Countdown to the Super Bowl. The Countdown to the visit by a fat guy in a red suit driving a Corvette pulled by 400 horses. I made that part up. About the Corvette that is. Actually, the Fat Guy in the Red Suit has a pretty cool   ride - a low rider sleigh with neon lights all around the the "edges" of it. Red and green of course. Gotta stay in the spirit of the season. The sleigh is also decorated with chrome "rails", its tires, if you will. Hidden behind the pink and purple (not so Christmas-y but The Fat Guy in the Red Suit is a big Elvis fan. Go figger) tuck and roll bench seat that The Fat Guy in the Red Suit sits on, (not so Christmas-y but The Fat Guy in the Red Suit is a big Elvis fan. Go figger) lays a 12 inch tube bass that thumps out rap versions of Christmas carols - except for Silent Night , because it mentions a virgin. Rap guys have never seen a virgin so they have no idea what it means. Yo yo, dumbasses, my niggas. <-----their word, not mine) The eight tiny reindeer are dressed up like pimps from a 70s "blacksploitation" movies, like Blackula. Even Rudolph is gettin' in on the act. He now has some bling in that red nose of his - a diamond about the size of Suge Knight.

Christmas sure has changed since that day 2000 years ago. No longer do many of us not even think of the birth of the baby that would offer mankind Salvation and Eternal Life. It's all about the bling. You know what I mean...the latest doll that pisses herself like a real baby for your 6 year old daughter. Or the video game for your 10 year old son. The game that shows human vermin killing cops and soldiers. That kind of bling. And I, for one, am sick and damn tired of it. All you wastes of skin can celebrate it however you see fit. That's your right - a right that you'll bitch about somebody "infringing" upon, but you'll curse and spit upon the soldiers who protect that right for you. You ungrateful, saggy pants wearin', crack smokin', drug dealin', ho sellin', gang bangin' bunch of pussies. Fuck you! Why don't you take a little time this Christmas and read a few pages of a book? The Bible is a good place to start. Oh, that's right, you can't read because being a banger was more important than school and you quit in 9th grade. You were lucky to make it that far, but your teachers promoted you because they saw what a hopeless piece of shit you are and they wanted to pass you on to the next poor bastard who was gonna "teach". I bet a dollar to a donut that your Mother knows the book well. Sit down and let her read it to you. It just might, just might mind you, plant a seed in your mind that what your doing with your life is the waste of a potentially good soul. One more thing...it might be the thing that's makes your Mama proud of you again. Think about it. Life can't get any more repugnant than the "existence" that you live now.

Merry Christmas.

Dumbasses.

***Photo Courtesy of Freaking News.com*** 

Friday, December 16, 2011

Open Carry Permit for Deer Antlers? Could Be.

When they outlaw deer heads, only outlaws will have deer heads


 Dumbass News Flash!!! Bulletin!!! This a first for Dumbass News. And we have covered some really weird stuff. Remember the guy stuck on an island near the coast of California and doesn't use his cell to call for help for five days!? Even though this is probably in the Top 5 All Time in terms of views, it ain't got nothin' on the  dumbasses you are about to encounter. I thought this piece on dwarf tossing was one the weirder posts I have written. This one still doesn't rival what you are gonna learn right now.


The Argument

I know what your thinkin', but that's not a typo. I meant to write D-E-E-R. This is why: Terry is a guy in Zephyrhills, Florida (near Tampa) who, like many guys got into an argument with his girlfriend. But this disagreement took a turn for the Super Dumbass when the girlfriend, Chelsea, locked him out of the house. Terry got pissed off and tried to talk her into letting him in. She'd have rather slid down a giant razor blade on her ass into a vat of alcohol than let the dude in. Undeterred, Terry tried to remove a screen and climb through a window. Alas! Chelsea was waiting on the other side and slapped Terry down and called him "Shorty". Terry, ever determined, thought for a moment and came up with a great idea. Go through the front door!

Deer Terry

What happened next puts this story at the top of the "Dumbass of the Year" race. The broad refused to let him in. Then Terry deemed it best to kick in the front door! He did and Chelsea was prepared for battle. Did she have a gun in order to protect herself? Nope. A butcher knife? Guess again. WARNING! Swallow all liquids right now! Chelsea the extremely mad girlfriend was ready to stand her ground against Terry with a mounted deer head! I. Am. Not. Kidding. When the dude made his way inside, the chick attacked him the antlers on the deer head! She gouged and stabbed and swashbuckled her way up one side of Terry and down the other until he looked Swiss cheese.

One More Thing



To add even more dumbassery to this story, Terry and Chelsea have a 3 year old little girl together. But wait there's more! They live together even though they are actually broken up. They cohabitate for financial reasons, which I'm sure we all understand and for sake of the little girl. Living with ex for the sake of the kid? That's just plum stoopid. That's even more dumbass than before. Oh, did I mention that the little girl witnessed the whole incident? She did. Hell, next time the two shit stains fight like this, and it will happen again, maybe they should duel. The whole damn thing would be over in a matter of seconds. .44 Auto Mags at ten paces. One of them dies and the other one is locked up at the nearest Death Row facility. This will also save the little girl from the trauma of seeing all this bullshit take place all the damn time.

Furthermore, neither one of these blights on humanity will ever be able to procreate again! I just love it when a plan comes together.

This concludes your Dumbass News Flash. 

Dumbasses.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Tampa Cop Reveals His "Taser" to Hookers

My duty here at Dumbass News is to bring forth the most ludicrous stuff that people all over the world do. My insightful, spot on commentary is not just directed at Yankees, Californians and Liberals, but I repeat myself, but it is aimed at dumbasses all over the planet, bar none. Except for my Mother. At 73, she can still kick my ass. Besides, I am in her will. Enough said. And the Pope. Him, I leave alone. He's got connections. Now as far as your Mother goes, she's fair game. She does something stoopid and I get wind of it, she's toast. Sorry, I have a duty to uphold. Oh! One more guy I won't kick around is Billy Graham. I like Billy Graham, he's a good man. Let's review this...Mom, Il Papa (a little Eye-talian lingo there) and Billy Graham: off limits. Everybody else: fuck 'em. That's just how I roll.

Cop Shows His Magnum to Hookers 

Cops are normally verboten to ridicule, shame and belittle, but like everybody else (except for those mentioned above), if they screw up bad enough, they make Dumbass News just like any other poor schlub who's worthy of the "honor". Therefore.....

...it is with great pleasure and a big na na na na na  sadness that I am compelled by my sworn, and I mean cussed at, not on a Bible, affirmation to bring you some funny shit horrific news regarding a Police Officer in Tampa, the F-L-A.

This particular officer, Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky, had a bad habit of having sex with women...in his patrol car! I am reasonably certain that is a part of the Tampa Police Department of Shit Not to Do. But wait there more! He was paying off his hookers with cash and a little thing called cocaine. I am proud to say that Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky has hit the Dumbass Daily Double: Hookers and coke. I couldn't be more proud. Unless I found out one of my sons was serial killer of camel fuckers. Matthew as a cop, you can't do this shit. At least take the whores off in the woods to pork 'em and do a line of blow. Have you no shame man?

The Tampa PD conducted a secret internal investigation, but Matthew found out about it. Probably from one of his drug-infested cum buckets. When Matt learned of the nefarious attack on actions as a police officer, he became very angry. Angry enough that he threatened to shoot other cops who testified in a second Internal Affairs look-see. Matt resigned before he got the old heave ho.

Matthew Gets a Pension

Here's what chaps my ass about this story. Because this dumbass cop resigned before he got fired, he will still get a yearly pension of a little over $27,000. That's a helluve a gig if you can get it. Go to work in a city-provided vehicle, buy (or steal from the Evidence Room) some toot then get some "groceries" in the back seat of a city-owned car then get busted and still get over two grand a month for the rest of your life. Is the Tampa PD hiring? If so, I'm in.


Final Thoughts

What. The. Fuck? Are the Higher Ups at TPD in on this hooker and coke thing? I mean Hell, couldn't they at least recommended to have Matt's pension reduced or even revoked due to the Cop Screwing Hookers and Doing Cocaine Clause of his contract with the TPD? Moral turpitude or getting fook stains on the back seat of a cop car or something? I am at a loss for words here, folks. Almost.

Does anyone have the phone number for the Tampa Police Department? Or Matthew Dolitsky?

Dumbasses.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Dumbass Stuffs Candlelight Dinner Down His Pants!

Even Dumbasses Love Romance
Doing this blog pretty much everyday can be a bit difficult sometimes. It takes a lot of time, believe it or not, and a lot of brain power to come up with the Pulitzer-quality material you get here on Dumbass News. For example, who else in the world, out of billions of blogs would even dare to bring you a story about a guy who pisses on chicken? Right in the supermarket! Nobody! That's who! How 'bout the one where the steals some meat from the market and goes to a nearby bar and tries to sell it? To two guys who work for the supermarket where the dumbass stole the meat! Bwahahahahaha! That's the quality of "journalism" you've come to expect from this blog. Now if you dumbasses would hit the "Donate" button in the right sidebar all would be well in Dumbassville.

A Sissy Dumbass 

Not all dumbass thieves are hardened criminals or drunks pissing on yard bird. Some dumbass crooks have a softer side to them. Take, for instance, Dannial Ashley. Please! hahahaha! <----- a little Henny Youngman humor there. It's easy to tell that Dannial is a sucker for romance simply by looking st his name. His name also proves that he is a dumbass. First, who the hell spells the name "Daniel" like that? No. Damn. Body. And his last name? A dead giveaway. Any male dumbass with the last name "Ashley" is a pussy. It's a given. The mufugga should change his last name to "Jones" or "Smith" or some shit. "Ashley ain't cuttin' the mustard.

At Least He's the Romantic Type  

Our man Dannial here was looking to have a romantic dinner with his hooker girlfriend celebrating a successful drive-by shooting, so he went to the local grocery store and picked up all the stuff needed for a nice, cozy candlelight dinner with her. The problem is, Dannial neglected to go through the checkout lane!  Nothing says "i love you" like a candlelight dinner consisting of stolen property. It's gettin' to the point these days that romantic felon can't even enjoy a pilfered supper with his hooker girlfriend anymore. what's up with that shit? It's probably just as well. Dannial had stuffed his booty next to his booty! And his gazebos! Yes, friends, this dumbass had stuffed the food down his pants in order to make an escape. Now, I don't know about you, but I have a slight aversion to eating food that has been stuffed in a man's pants right next to his gazebos. I want smell a perfectly cooked steak that smells like a perfectly cooked steak, not crotch rot. But that's just me.

No Romance Tonight

Remember up there ^^^^ when I said I knew this moron was a pussy simply by looking at his name? Ladies and gentlemen, and I use those terms loosely, here's proof: while trying to absconded with his ill-gotten gain, Dannial was chased down by some grocery store employees! What kind of self-respecting felon would ever, I mean ever get busted by guys working for a grocery store? Think about it. Imagine, if you will, the supermarket in your neighborhood. Is one, single employee there that could catch a felon worth his weight in stolen hubcaps in a foot race? I rest my case. Dannial Ashley is a pussy. He gives candlelight dinner thieves all over the world a bad name. Shame on you, Dannial. Shame on you.

Dumbass.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Ice Cold Dumbass Pain Relief

Got a Headache? Try Ice Water
I found an article that is as near perfect as you can get for Dumbass News. What you are about to read is scientific evidence that being a Dumbass can be a good for your health! I say this with a caveat, however. The study that determined this stuff was done in England. And since England is evolving into a Third World Muslim Hellhole, I have concluded that English scientists are Third World Dumbasses. And pussies. Let me splain.

The Splainin'

These guys with nothing better to do than conduct research on the effects of cussing on your health, while their country is going down the loo, have come to a surprising conclusion. Cussing can be good for your health! You read that right you fuckin' dumbass. Let go with the ugly words and you will feel better than ever! Well, that's not exactly the truth. The pussy English guys who did this study came to the conclusion that those who cuss "moderately", whatever the hell "moderately" means, can actually relieve pain! No shit? These morons did an experiment where 67 other English pussies put their hand into a bucket filled with ice water and repeated a cuss word over and over can do so for forty seconds longer than those who repeated a non cuss word over and over. BUT! if you cuss more than 60 times a day you won't get any benefit from keeping your hand in ice water for a period of time. What? Here's something straight from the pussy English scientists themselves, "And the study found those who swear as many as 60 times a day receive less pain relief than those who curse a few times a day. People who curse frequently do so without an emotional response, which reduces the pain-relieving effects, the study said." Well that certainly clears that up.

My Own Scientific Conclusions

You mean to tell me that if cut off my cussing at 59 times a day I am gonna get some kind of pain relief? And all this time the myriad Doctors I've been seeing for my arthritis and fibromyalgia have been giving me enough bills to choke Roseanne Barr and all they had to do was tell me to cuss 59 times a day? I expected men and women who spent a hundred or more large earning a medical degree to know what they are doing. That theory is shot to hell. I smell a malpractice suit in the air. I'll keep an eye out for Joe Bornstein, the TV lawyer who has his very own "800" number. Joe also handles disability claims, car wrecks and assault with a deadly midget. I know this to be true because the evil insurance companies lawyers always cower and shit their pants when the injured party says that Joe is their attorney. To think, I hired a local lawyer to handle my disability claim when I could have had some guy who the bad guy attorneys fear like Barrack Obama fears capitalism.

Questions 

How could the idiots that performed this study tell what caused the guinea pigs' pain to moderate. Do they have a Pain-O-Meter or some shit? Also, how could they conclude that it was because the twits who kept their hand in the ice water longer do so because they were cussing? I want some fucking answers! Another thing...why in the name of all that is Holy would these spitwad -for-brains dumbasses want to cuss and keep their hand in a bucket of ice water!? My last question...who's stoopid enough to carry around a bucket of ice water just in case they have a headache? Remember too that it's very impolite to cuss in public.The really smart assholes who participated in this voodoo will put a couple of Guiness Stouts and a waterproof lunch container in bucket of ice water. A couple of Guiness will kill any pain you are experiencing, from a headache all way to a pick axe protruding from your skull, hand in ice water bucket not needed.

I Want Answers!
 
I'm sure you'll agree that these are vital inquiries that cry out, nay, demand answers and I will not rest until I find them! I am afraid, however, that we'll discover that the study took place in a methadone clinic. I'm just sayin'.

Dumbasses.


***Photo from Kool Czar Blog***

Monday, December 12, 2011

A Dumbass Wife's Birthday!

Heather in 64 Years
First of all, let me apologize to you for the late post. I have been doing stuff that this time of year. You know what I mean, I started drinking again. Heavily. Thanks to my Dumbass Wife. Here's the down low.

The Down Low

As I said, I accompanied my wife shopping today. All. Day. Long. The women reading this will say, "You deserve it, you son of a motherless goat". And that's one of the nicer things they say. The men are thinking, "You poor sumbitch, you should have stayed single." Then they drink heavily thinking of the day that they too will be in my position....married. With young children (4 & 9; both girls). And like me, 55 years old. Now who's the poor sumbitch boys? You have all this to look forward too. Poor sumbitches. bwahahaha!

The Real Reason for This Post


Today is my wife's birthday. She is 36 years old, 19 years younger than me. Even though I'm so much older than she is, she's too old for me. I'd rather have two eighteen year old Swedish Bikini Team Members as "wives". Preferably lesbians. After all, 18 + 18= 36. And the lesbian part is a YouTube sensation waiting to happen. So the shit works out right.

On the real side though, my wife is a good woman, a great wife and Mother, outstanding cook and she's the shiznit in the sack. But I just can't get over that Swedish Bikini Team thing up there ^^^^^. But, I digress. In spite of all these outstanding qualities my wife, Heather, possesses, God bless her, she ain't the biggest catfish on the trot line, IYKWIMAITYD. (Yankees and Californians may want to Google the term "trot line". No, it's not pornographic you fucking asswipes.)

Here's an example of how, shall we say, slow my wife is. No, let's not say "slow", let's say "dumbass". One time I told her that I wanted to watch Monday Night Football. She asked me what night it was on! See? Then there was the time several years ago that I needed to get hammered. She brought me a ball peen jobby. Even though Heather is a dumbass, she has put up with me for the last seven years, which further proves my point! If the poor woman had dynamite for brains, she couldn't blow her nose. Capice?

On the Real Side

I love Heather very much. She's stood by me when I thought even God had had enough of me. And believe you me, that's quite a job right there. She has given me two beautiful, smart, healthy little girls. She has, over the last seven years has filled a void in my life and a hole in my heart that I never expected to be filled. She has loved me when I didn't come close to deserving it more times than I can count. In spite of the fact that I am 2000 miles from my beloved Texas, Maine is now my home and I'll probably spend the rest of my life here. And I shall do so without reservation. The reason for that is simple. Her name is Heather. Without her I wouldn't be the Dumbass I am today. I love you Heather. Happy birthday.

Dumbass. :)

Sunday, December 11, 2011

"OK, Guys Let's Tear the House Down" Oooops, Wrong House

Here's something for you dumbasses to chew on today besides pork rinds. I wrote this a while back, so it'll be a good rerun for the long-time readers and something new and shiny for our new dumbasses.  Warning: Do not watch football until you have read this post. If you do, all your future children and/or grandchildren will be born nekkid.  <--------A little East Texas Mojo there. har har! Dumbasses. :) Have a decent Sunday!

Dumbass Contractor Tears Down Wrong House!

This is one of those stories that come around every so often and it makes you go WTF? Watch the video, then I'll have my usual brilliant-for-a-dumbass insight, commentary,name-calling and finger-pointing. In other words, we'll get to the the fun stuff!


To review...the guy had been doing some home improvement work on his home then went on vacation for a week. He comes back home to find his house is gone like yesterday and he is now the proud owner of a hay-covered lot. The house nextdoor was the one scheduled to be torn down. As Maxwell Smart would say, "Missed it by that much!" A couple of solutions come to mind. Solution No.1: buy a goat. Goats love hay. Solution No.2: Become the proud of of all the heavy equipment a man could ever want. To achieve this objective, the dude must retain counsel and sue the dumbass contractor into oblivion! Since goats are probably not aloowed in the city limits, suing the dumbass that wrongly demolished your home after being advised by the city in writing not to do so (!) seems to be the last remaining legal remedy the homewoner has. Kicking the contractor's ass from Pittsburgh to Philadelphia is the most satisfying, but felonious, retribution. And when the word "felony" and my (your,his,her) name are inexorably linked, I tend to calm down rather quickly and seek the less violent and less fun solution to the problem. I think the homeowner will take that path as well. If there are any construction-type readers out there in the Pittsburgh area, keep an eye on your local newsrag's classifieds. I have a sneaky feeling there will be a big sale on all sorts of stuff you need at reasonable prices very soon. There will also be less competition in your town because there will one less dumbass to bid against. And one brand spankin' new home to build for the poor man whose house was obliterated by a dumbass. Things could have been worse, though. The homeowner could have been alseep in the house at the time it was torn down. Just sayin'.

Dumbasses.
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