Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Florida Dumbass Performs Panty Pilfering Persistently : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Monday, January 17, 2011

Florida Dumbass Performs Panty Pilfering Persistently

This is not what Ernie was stealing.
Every once in a great while, a dumbass has the best of intentions but things go awry anyway. Ernest Kendler of Holmes Beach, Florida is just such a dumbass.

Our man Ernie here was merely trying to re-live his college days of many years ago at Wattsamatta U by pulling a time-honored prank on his neighbors. Part of this time-honored prank included breaking into their house  In that house lived two lovely young Florida ladies who owned some typical lovely young Florida ladies panties. Ernie was secretly performing regular panty raids in the home of these lovely young Florida ladies for a number of years and had accrued quite a collection of lovely young Florida ladies panties, including 23 pairs of panties and 16 pairs of thong panties. Looks like ole Ernie likes to get his freak on. But, I digress. Other than that pesky breaking and entering thing, Ernie was just being a typical college kid doing what typical college kids do. Three things need to be said here. One: Ernie is not a college kid. And two: Ernie is 62 years old. Three: Ernie is a dirty, freaky old dumbass. I'm not going to speculate what Ernie was doing with all those lovely young Florida ladies unmentionables, but sniffing them and playing "Hide the Salami"while wearing the undies on Saturday night with another man come to mind right away. In San Francisco, this type of activity is called "Tuesday Night". In Florida, not so much, if you exclude Miami. Again, I digress. Ernie, who had been stealing the lovely young Florida ladies panties for years, was well on his way to the National Panty Stealing Hall of Fame when he was busted by one of the lovely young Florida ladies. The lovely young Florida lady came home unexpectedly and walked in on Ernie rifling through her sister's drawers looking for her sister's drawers.

Ernie was arrested and charged with all kinds of panty-stealing crimes, then released on $10,000 bond, after one of the lovely young Florida ladies ID'ed some of the pilfered panties as belonging to her and her sister. Ernie then lawyered-up with one of the most famous panty-stealing defense lawyers in the country, who told the press Ernie "looks forward to confronting and discrediting this evidence in court." Mark Lipinski, Ernie's lawyer, may be a great panty-stealing defense lawyer, but judging by his words to the media, he is also a dumbass. The famous panty-steling defense lawyer and Ernie make quite a, um, pair, don't they? As they say, birds of a feather are dumbasses together.


  1. Thank you for this article Toby, enjoyed reading your version. I'm finding this years after the incident and it's nice to be able to laugh at/make light of the situation now that it is so far behind us! My sister and I appreciate the 'lovely young florida ladies' tag as well. =) Looking forward to sharing with friends. Thank you.

    1. Thank you, Lauren!

      I am the Number 1 Panty-Stealing Dumbass Story Teller in the World.

      And the Lovely Young Florida Ladies are very welcome.


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