Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: March 2011 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Dumbass "Teen Mom" Star Gives Girl a Beatdown UPDATE: Was Jennelle Paid for the Fight? UPDATED AGAIN

Hello. My name is Toby and I like Reality TV. There! I said it! I am finally free of living a double life. Yes, friends, I am not who I appear to be. You know me as a New Media Stalwart, a pioneer in the study of dumbassery, a blogging man amongst blogging boys during the day, but at night I, too, am a dumbass. I watch some of the most vile and demeaning shows on TV. And I love it! I can't help it. When Ron on Lizard Lick Towing goes out to repo some poor dumbass' car and gets smashed on the head with a Natural Light Ice beer bottle, I can't help but get a thrill from his misfortune. The Germans have a word for that - schadenfreude - taking pleasure in somebody else's misfortune. Please save me from this torment!

In the meantime, I have a Reality TV scoop for you today. Jennelle, one of the young ladies who was featured in the MTV Series Teen Mom 2, has found herself in trouble with the law for beating the dog shit out of another young lady. Why would Jennelle do such a thing? A little background first....Jennelle had a real prize of a baby daddy. The dumbass was a coke head, pot smoking, irresponsible loser, but so is Jennelle, except for the coke head part. Without going into great detail, she's a lousy mother who stole her mom's credit cards to take Coke Head Boy to New Jersey and ran up an $800 tab. Yes, I said New Jersey. I told you she was a dumhbass. Jennelle is such a fuck up she dumped her kid off on her mom and finally signed over custody to the mom. It's really a sad story when it comes to the little boy, who is about a year old. BTW, Grandma is a real peach, too, but she takes great care of the baby. Enough background.

Back on point, Jennelle beat the hell out of another young lady for allegedly committing the Cardinal sin of flirting with Jennelle's boyfriend! That's worth an ass-kickin' where I come from. <---that's sarcasm there. And believe it or not, <----that's more sarcasm, TMZ has a video  (WARNING: IT AIN'T PRETTY) of the beatdown. You can tell that Jennelle is still a trashy little hussy by her choice of friends, who in the video cheer her on  her to fight the other girl. While Jennelle is a dumbass little tramp, her friends are the dog shit on the bottom of your hiking boots - the worthless little bastards. See why this is such a smash hit TV show? There's already a third season on the way! And to think that I watch this shit. Before going any further, let me say that some of the young moms in the show turn out to be great moms with a lot of support from their families and friends, so it's not all bad. But, it's like the car wreck on the freeway, you'll rubberneck to see that sucker like it was the Second Coming. It's the Dumbass Gene in all of us. It's just that Jennelle was blessed with a Double Dose of the Dumbass Gene. Here's to hoping that she gets all her ducks in a row. Dumbass.

UPDATE: One of Jenelle's "friends" who was at the altercation, says that Jenelle was PAID after she and her pond scum "friends" sold the video for $45,000. More info can be found here. If true, further proof that Jennelle is a worthless waste of skin. For now, I'll refrain from being more "colorful" in calling her exactly what she appears to be.

UPDATE 2 : Selling price of video corrected to $45,000 not $5000 as previously stated. Sorry about that.

Banning Farts? A Dumbass Law

According to the Chinese calendar, 2011 is the Year of the Rabbit. But according to the Dipshit Calendar, 2011 is the Year of the Dumbass. And, ladies and gentlemen, the dumbasses of the world have not let us down so far Dumbassthis year.

The Next Malawian Law?
We bitch and moan about the dumbasses that we have elected to our gubmint, and rightfully so, but we rarely whine and complain about foreign leaders. That is about to change. While we are supplied with an endless flow of dumbass in the USA, ours aren't the only dumbasses elected to High Office. Take Malawi, please! for example. What's that? Where's Malawi? I think it's near New Jersey. What do I look like? A Rand-McNally Atlas? But, I digress.

In Malawi, which is a New Jersey Secret Code Word for "our women are ugly and at least we're not Delaware", that nation's President is calling for a law to outlaw farting in some instances. In my opinion, this law doesn't pass the smell test. (insert your own fart joke here) I am not making this stuff up. The UPI, which does make up stuff, reports that the proposed Fart Law will "include measures to ban "passing gas" with the intention to "mold responsible and disciple citizens," "insulting the modesty of a woman," "disturbing religious assemblies" and "trespassing on burial places". Let's break down this proposal into sections. The first section we'll observe is the "Intention to Mold Responsible and Disciple Citizens" Section". What. The. Hell.? How in the world can the fart-or "mold" a fart-ee? Will the fart-ee's face become molded into a "holy shit that thing stinks" look when somebody lets one rip? You know, like your Mom told you when you were  kid. "If you keep making that hideous face it will freeze like that forever." Furthermore, what if some Malawian prankster got his hands on a whoopie cushion and went all over the place "farting" and causing other Malawians' faces to "freeze like that"? would that be a crime? If so, what would the punishment be? On to the "Insulting the Modesty of a Woman Section" of this would-be law. If a modest woman, the fart-ee marries a flatulent man, the fart-or, can she testify against him in a court of law? If not, then her status as a fart-ee is immaterial to the case, and she must suffer the life of a fart-ee married to a fart-or until death do they fart part. Thank goodness there is opposition to this statute. The Main Opposition Guy said the bill, which would also impose penalties on people posing as fortune tellers, would create a "kangaroo-like court" that would "not be ideal for a democracy."Yeah, fart-ors and fortune tellers are the bane of a civilized society, aren't they?

Just remember this. When they outlaw farts, only outlaws will have farts. Dumbasses.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Hazelwood, Missouri Hates the Girl Scouts...Kind Of

Hazelwood.Mo. hates These
If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know that when I start off a post with words similar to "St. Louis is a great city (here comes the all-powerful three letter word that let's you that somebody is about to get scorched) but...To be fair, St. Louis is a great city. It's not St. Louis that I have a problem with. It's a St. Louis suburb named Hazelwood and the Girl Scout-hating, anti-American Commie bastards that run the town that have me pissed off. Allow me to further elucidate. For some of those of you who live in this Commie-run enclave, that means "let me splain".

Now before the fine citizens of Hazelwood start an anti-Dumbass campaign, let me state that my complaint doesn't lie with the hard working, anti-Commie-bastard people of your lovely burg, but with the dumbasses that run the city. My problem is this; dipshit city officials have seen fit to interfere with one of the greatest of American traditions, the selling of Girl Scout Cookies. These dumbasses have a severe case of cranio-rectal inversion, or as they call it in St. Louis, the old head up their asses trick.

Here's the deal; these two young ladies are Girl Scouts. Part of being a Girl Scout, as you know, is selling Girl Scout Cookies each year. These two particular girls have been selling their cookies from a stand in their driveway for at least five years. Evidently, this cookie stand runs afoul of city ordinances prohibiting such heinous activities as selling Girl Scout Cookies. The city, as is their right, warned the girls and their mother to cease and desist selling the cookies from their driveway. To be fair to the city, this is not the first warning that they had issued to the family. Why another one? A spokesdumbass for the city of Hazelwood  "said the city sent Mills (the Mom) an infraction notice after a neighbor complained to the city that the cookie booth had caused excessive dog barking and unusually high traffic volume on the street when customers stopped or parked to buy cookies." Well alrighty then. Two things here. I can't tell you how many times young ladies selling Girl Scout Cookies in their driveway has caused a dramatic, nay, unbearable increase in dog barking in their respective neighborhoods during cookie selling season. I think this phenomenon was proven by the same dumbasses that have settled the science on man made global warming. In other words, what a load! If, and that's a big if, this were the case, then the dumbass anti-Girl Scout Commie neighbor who complained can, oh, I don't know, put your damn dog in the house when the cookie stand is open! Asshole.

Or, alternatively, the dumbass neighbor can stuff his dog up his sphincter. But that would be animal cruelty, so it's not an option. On the other hand, I'll be more than happy to send the girls the money for a box of Girl Scout Cookies, which can be shoved up the dumbass neighbor's anal passage. The second solution to this community menace is a felony, so I'll just keep that idea to myself.

Now that there has been some blowback aimed at the city of Hazelwood, those dumbasses are backpedaling faster than Deion Sanders in man-to-man coverage.  Again, here's the poor schlub who gets thrown to the wolves as city spokesman, "any plans to change the city code would have to be considered by the Hazelwood City Council.“There’s always room for re-evaluation,” he said. “We want people to realize the city of Hazelwood strongly supports the Girl Scouts of America and the ideals it stands for.” Oh, yeah. The support the city has shown the Girl Scouts is just oozing from City Hall. Just curious, I wonder how many boxes of Girl Scout Cookies the City Council bought this year? Just askin'.

To those of you who disagree with me, I law is a law, but that still doesn't make it right. If so, does the dumbass Commie neighbor who complained to the city bitch and moan when there is a garage sale on that street? Doubtful. I know the city ain't gonna go out of its way to look like the assholes they are, they (the city) get the revenue from the permits needed to hold a garage sale in Hazelwood, and I'm certain that they will find a good way to waste it. My point is this. Selling Girl Scout Cookies only happens for a few weeks a year and it is the MAJOR fund raiser for the group. The City of Hazelwood honchos should amend the law to where the Girl Scouts can do their thing a few weeks a year and the dumbass anti-Girl Scout Commie neighbor can still shove it up his ass. I am telling you now that there is no way in hell that the city wins a PR war with the Girl Scouts. Dumbasses. And that, my friends, is the way the Girl Scout Cookie crumbles.

(Hat tip to Columbia Daily Tribune  & Heather the Wife)

Dumbass Makes Funny Money With Ink Jet Printer, Local Merchants Don't Notice

Usually when we do a story like the one you are a bout to read, the Dumbass of the Story is easy to spot. However, today we are tasked with picking our Dumbass from a group of Dumbass wannabes! So, gather the family around whatever it is you gather your family around,  read the story and make a group decision! Take a vote and those who correctly guess who the Dumbass is will get a treat, such as an ice cream cone! Those who name the wrong person as the Dumbass of the Story will become Honorary Dumbasses themselves! It's a win-win situation! Here's today's Dumbass Story:
  • Earl Devine of Lafayette, Indiana recently decided that he needed some money. So, instead of getting a job and earning some cash flow the old fashion way, Earl chose to take another path. He printed his own money! Counterfeiting is certainly a step in the right direction of becoming a dumbass, but our friend Earl went above and beyond the call of Dumbass Duty when he printed some fake $100 bills with Abraham Lincoln's face on them! I am certainly no expert on everything that is on a $100 bill, but I do know that Honest Abe ain't supposed to be on one. Ratcheting up the dumbass to new levels, Earl went on a spending spree with the fake bills (here's where our 2nd Dumbass of the Day nominee comes in)  and fooled several merchants in town! Now this turn of events begs a question: What.The.Fuck?! I can only surmise that these "merchants" were products of the Lafayette Public School System. I can also surmise that the Lafayette Public Schools are run by dumbasses. I'm sure that, as we speak, the Superintendent of Lafayette schools is on the phone with the federal Department of Education pleading for more of our tax dollars to pay dumbass teachers more money to "educate" and graduate more dumbasses like these "merchants". Good work if you can find it, I guess. Earl's life of crime came to an abrupt halt when a bartender(!), who is probably not a former student of Lafayette schools, realized he had been paid with a phony $100 bill. He called the cops and soon thereafter Earl became a guest of the Lafayette Criminal Justice System. This story gets.even.better. When asked about the funny money by the local bird cage liner, "Detectives called the bills “excellent fakes” in spite of other errors, such as red and blue dots that suggested the bill was printed from an inkjet printer". It's now painfully clear to me that at least one detective is, like Earl and several local "merchants", a product of Lafayette schools. I just can't, and won't, label the entirety of the LPD as dumbasses, but one of their detectives is the third nominee for the coveted Dumbass of the Day Award. In fairness to the local "merchants" I mentioned above, several other businesses in town and neighboring West Lafayette also received fake cash from Earl, so what the hell, they are potential dumbasses, too.  
Here's my take: The whole damn town of Lafayette, Indiana is loaded with dumbasses. Having said that, I guess I won't be getting a "Welcome to Lafayette" package from the Greater Lafayette Chamaber of Commerce should I ever decide to move there. I'll scratch Lafayette, Indiana off my "Where to Retire List". Getting back to our story, the detective who made the "excellent fakes" comment about the $100 bills with Abe Lincoln on them, is not our Dumbass of the Day. This guy's job is tough enough without being tagged a dumbass, a moron maybe, but not a dumbass. As for the educators in the Lafayette School District, they are probably members of some teachers' union, so they can't be blamed for Earl's level of dumbassery, they just do whatever the Union tells them to do. Being members of a  teachers' union is approaching Dumbassville, but the teachers, like the fuzz, have a thankless job and at least they are consistently churning out quality dumbasses like Earl. The process of elimination leaves us with no other choice, as if there was another choice, but to crown Earl as today's Dumbass of the Day! Earl, you can pick up your award in 10-15 years. In regards to the apparent Dumbass Epidemic in Lafayette, Indiana, I have a brilliant solution. Make it a mandatory part of certifying teachers and law enforcement personnel, that they go to bartending school before being accredited by the State of Indiana as a public servant. It seems that the bartender that busted Earl is the only one that knows that Lincoln is not on a $100 bill. Everyone knows he's on the fifty.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Love That Cuts Like a Knife...Oh, Wait! That IS a Knife!

I have a story today that is aimed squarely at you poor married schmucks. Pay close attention, you'll be quizzed on this later.

Gentlemen, when you ask a lovely person of the female persuasion to be your bride, you are asking her to be your partner until death you do part. She is is to be treated with the dignity and respect due a woman who will one day bear your children. She is to be cherished for being the invaluable treasure she is. In short, don't piss her off! When sufficiently provoked, the pookie bear of your life turns into she devil with felonious intentions. Consider yourself lucky if your beloved requires an ample amount of you giving her shit before she finds her chicken cuttin' scissors and applies them to your gazebos. SNIP SNIP

A guy just up I-95 in Bangor didn't even have to make his dumbass wife mad before she slammed a kitchen knife into the dude's back. When the cops asked her why she did that she replied (take note of this, guys) "because he drives me nuts!" Well that settles that, dumbass. Hell, if my wife stabbed me every time I made her mad, I'd look like sandwich cut roast beef from the supermarket deli. I have over time, learned to say "yes ma'am" when she gets that Texas Chainsaw Massacre look in her eyes and sh hasn't made fajita meat out of me in over 3 weeks! But, I digress. Meanwhile back in Bangor...the crazy bitch stabbed her old man for no damn good reason and she was promptly arrested and charged with all kinds of good stuff, including assault with a dangerous weapon.

Now get this. The dumbass lunatic broad was released from jail after posting a cash bond. Fair enough. A cash bond of $1500!!! Are you fucking kidding me? Fifteen hundred dollars? For stabbing a guy in the back??!! What kind of dumbass judge would pull such a stunt? Damn! Oh, well, this is Bangor we're talking about here. Nice town, but a Liberal weenie paradise, or so I'm told. Two things I do know about Little Boston Bangor, there's a crazy bitch out of jail on bond that should not be allowed to touch any kitchen utensils but spoons and some dickweed judge needs lessons in bail-setting. Dumbasses.

(Hat tip: Bangor Daily News)

The Dumbass Bank Robber and the Getaway Bus

Lousy Getaway Car
I know that no member of this blog has any sort of legal woes in his or her past. After all, you are dumbasses and dumbasses never have run ins with the law. Can you believe that I wrote that with a straight face? Let's say for the sake of argument that you were the mastermind of a planned bank robbery. Assuming that you actually went into the bank, handed the teller a note demanding money and she complied and you haul ass out the door. What's the next logical step in this plan? Yes! Making a clean getaway! Hopefully in a very fast getaway car. Believe it or not, a dumbass crook in Dayton, Ohio pulled off the bank robbery and was making a ... s...l...o...w getaway. Let me splain.

Dumbass bank robber, Lonnie Johnson, is the above-mentioned crook in Dayton. he made the heist, ran outside, went down the street two blocks from the bank and in line to board a bus!!! The bus came Lonnie got on it and he was home free! Not really, I made that home free part up. In the meantime, the cops had arrived at the bank and interviewed some people and some of them witnessed Lonnie board the bus. At this point, the police obtained information on the bus' route and simply followed the route , caught up with the bus and  arrested Lonnie while he was still in his seat. What a dumbass.

Not that I am planning a career change to become a bank robber, but as a public service to any and all bank robbers reading this blog, I feel obligated to point out some flaws in Lonnie's attempted robbery. First of all, if you plan on fleeing on foot for any portion of your getaway, it would be much better if you ran for more than two blocks from the bank. Second, don't stop and wait for a bus! It is a well-known fact that 99% of all the best bank robbers use really fast cars or maybe even motorcycles to effect a successful, at least in the beginning of the getaway process, escape from the authorities. Public transportation is notoriously slow and not on schedule and this will hamper even your best efforts to give the heat the slip, leading to a long period of incarceration at the nearest Federal Prison, maybe even with our man Lonnie. Dumbass.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Dumbass Brit Rips Off, Pisses Off Four Women, Hilarity Ensues

The Hole In Which Simon's Ass Will Be "Accessible"
From the Here's a Doozy Department, here's a doozy. A British Dumbass named Simon Reid tried to do something that any man with a lick of sense wouldn't try to do if somebody held a 9mm Glock to his head. Simon had four girlfriends and none of them knew about the other three until one of them used the British version of Google Fu. Then all four of the jilted women wanted to take turns cutting off Simon's fish and chips, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Simon was, unbeknownst to all four women, a gigolo. A man-whore. A dog. A dumbass. Ole Simon was cruising along in his relationships with these women, taking money from them hand over fist by telling them some outrageous lies,  "He told one woman he was an international businessman, another he was a professional rock climber, a third that his father was terminally ill and a fourth that his son was a Royal Air Force pilot who'd lost three limbs in Afghanistan." Then one of them got suspicious. Enter Google Fu. She Googled Simon's name and something unexpected came up ...a website run by an American woman telling of Simon's rotten deeds and sexploits,  "hoping to help other women that Simon might try to ripoff. Needless to say, the Google Fu lady was shocked at the sight of it all. Shocked and pissed off, but mostly pissed off. Then the pissed off Google Fu lady had an idea! "Why don't I get all these other women together in one place and we'll all confront this cad! And we'll have a camcorder to document it all!" More from the UPI story,. "They all met in a pub and hatched a plot to trap him, the newspaper said. Reid was lured to Buckingham's house while the others hid upstairs. One by one they came down to confront him -- all on camcorder -- before calling police, " The Sun said.  Simon not only faced four ripped off pissed off women, he also faced 30 months in prison which, considering the mess he was in, was preferable to facing four jilted ladies. Simon called the police himself. OK, I made that last part up.

Now Simon sits in an English prison, facing facing four jilted large, hairy, horny inmates and looking forward to his next adventure as an oil field worker who'll be in the barrel four days a week. :)  Dumbass.

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Saturday, March 26, 2011

Westboro Church Hates Liz Taylor! UPDATED!

A Beautiful Soul
Dumbass of the Day honors are normally reserved for individuals, with the notable exception of Liberals. Liberal could win the Dumbass of the Day Award purt near every day, but that wouldn't be much fun. I am today, however, making an exception to the rule and naming a Group of people as the Dumbasses of the Day. You are familiar with these sub-humans. They are the members of the Westboro Baptist Church. The Head Dumbass of the WBC is the Reverend Fred Phelps. These cretins protest anything and everything that doesn't fit perfectly with their view of things. They are probably most notorious for protesting at Fallen Soldiers' funerals. Yeah, those assholes.

Well, the bottom feeders at WBC now have a new cause celebre. They are gonna all load up in the Satan Mobile and head out to Californy to protest at the funeral of Elizabeth Taylor! Why? Because Liz was a firend to  the Gay Community and a prolific fundraiser for a cure for AIDS! Well, shit, let's condemn Liz to Hell for such an outrage! Imagine that! trying to help someone who has a disease that eats away at their body like a termite chews on wood, relegating them to a slow, miserable, painful demise! The moral outrage! Good God. I don't care what two consenting adult do behind closed doors as long as it consensual and doesn't involve children. I am, however, against special rights for any given group. I don't give a shit who they are. Here's a quote from the article at"Her whoredoms enabled filthy f**s! She now answers for her gr8 sin in hell!" she tweeted to Perez Hilton. To ABC's Jake Tapper, she wrote, "No peace for whore who taught proud sin! Too late for her to repent!" That beauty comes straight from Reverend Phelps' daughter, Marge.  Tolerant bunch aren't they? 

While it is within their Constitutional Rights to have these protests, this group at Westboro Baptist Church needs a good smackdown. I am not suggesting violence, I am suggesting Eternal Damnation. But, that's God's call, not mine, and I'll leave it up to Him. However, a good old fashion Hell's Angels counter protest would be nice. :) I'm just sayin'. I am instructed by God to not judge a man's soul, but instead to judge his actions. I can safely say then, that the Reverend Asswipe and his followers have no souls and are headed straight for the gnashing of teeth place. Dumbasses.

UPDATE: (5:32pm, EDT) A friend of mine in Texas noted that maybe I shouldn't refer to members of this dumbass "church" Baptists. I agree 1000%. I should have thought about that earlier. For that, I apologize. These people are a CULT . From now on, if I do another story on them, that's how they will be referred to. Better yet, my friend in Texas said that maybe I should just ignore them. That may be the best thing to do. 

Friday, March 25, 2011

Hefner, His Fiancee and Dr. Phil's Son Are Big Time Dumbasses

Famous Old Guy and His Hooker
I am 54 years old and am married to a 35 year old woman. My sons, from my first marriage, are 32 and 28. I love my wife and it is she that has blessed me with my two youngest children, Isabella, 8 and Bailey, 4. Our relationship, as far as age goes, is not something you run into every day. Unless you run into Hugh Hefner.

Hef is 84years old and is engaged to a 24 year old woman! I'm sure the engagement is all about love. I have quit laughing now, so let us continue. Hef laid a six carat diamond engagement ring on this chick, so one would think that she'd watch her p's and q's.Her name is Crystal and she's a beautiful young woman, but this broad is a dumbass. A major league dumbass. Let me splain.

Life & Style Magazine reports that Crystal has been, as the mag says, "cavorting" with Jordan McGraw. Jordan is the son of a famous man named McGraw and it ain't Tim McGraw. Jordan's Dad is Dr. Phil McGraw. Evidently Jordan and Crystal have been seen in public places in Los Angeles. They've seen "cavorting" in various ways that I'm sure Hef wouldn't like. But Hef is a dumbass, too. Hef, you are 84 fucking years old, lay off the young poon. I know it's a difficult thing to do, Hef, what with all those young hoochie mamas "cavorting" all over the grounds of the Playboy Mansion, but poon from a young whore ain't worth it, Hef. Besides, you've got all those nekkid chicks running around the grounds like a herd of hookers. It's not like you've lived a life of virtue, Hef, So when you have your final hard on, Viagra-assisted or not, at least you'll leave this world with the legacy that you were a hedonistic dumbass who screwed young sluts with all the enthusiasm of a fat kid in a donut shop on all-you-can-eat day.

Jordan, you ain't much better, Hoss. Only a dumbass would "cavort" with another man's woman, even if she is an easy piece of ass. You have made your Daddy proud. And I bet your Mother is ecstatic. It's not like they brought you up to be a respectable young man or anything. Fucking dumbass. I'll see you and Crystal on Dad's TV show. The episode will be titled "Engaged Whore and the Dumbass Son of a Famous Doctor Who "Cavorted" While She Is Engaged to a Has Been Old Bastard Who Got Famous by Porking Nubile Sluts". It's guaranteed to be a blockbuster! Sex sells, but this shit makes me sick. Dumbasses.
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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Hagar Cabo'ed When He Should Have Wabo'ed

Likkerd Up
Sammy Hagar has been in the Cabo Wabo one time too much. The venerable Red Rocker has officially landed on the Planet of the Misfit Dumbasses. Let me splain.

In a recent interview with MTV about his new book, Red. My Uncensored Life in Rock, Hagar tells of how he was once wait. for. it. abducted by aliens! Seriously.Tequila will do that shit to you. When asked by the MTV interviewer if he'd ever been abducted by extra terrestrials, Hagar replied I think I have. ... Remember the story in the book, where I have a dream about being contacted by aliens in the foothills above  Fontana?" Is Fontana near Dumbassville? That gem was followed up by this one with the MTV guy asking Hagar, "Yeah, yeah, I've got the page right here. "I saw a ship and two creatures inside of this ship... And they were connected to me, tapped into my mind through some kind of mysterious wireless connection." You're telling me that wasn't a dream?

Hagar answered thusly,"That's right. It was real. [Aliens] were plugged into me. It was a download situation. This was long before computers or any kind of wireless. There weren't even wireless telephones. Looking back now, it was like, "F---, they downloaded something into me!" Or they uploaded something from my brain, like an experiment. 'See what this guy knows." 
 Sammy, the only thing that's been "downloaded" is that rotgut you call tequila. Well, that and maybe some heavy duty pharmaceuticals. It appears that Hagar isn't the only one stoned out of his noggin. Some people believe that Hagar's hit Why Can't This Be Love?" is an ode to alien love. I can see right now people all over the world who read this blog heading over to YouTube to find that song. As for me, I'll never listen to it the same way again, that is if I ever listen to it again. Alien love indeed. Dipshits.

Don't get me wrong. I like Sammy Hagar as a musician, but you gotta admit, the fucker is an order of fries short of a Happy Meal. I guess his Cabo has been Wabo'ed one too many times. Dumbass.

Link to Hagar Stoty
(Hat tip to Heather the Wife)
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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Gus the Dumbass Goose and Pot Guy: UPDATED with POLL!!!

When it's a slow Dumbass News Day, I can always fall back on certain places where dumbasses thrive, must to the chagrin of local residents. In order, my go-to for a dumbass places are California (beautiful state overrun by dumbasses), France (because they are France) and Florida (a great place with too many snow-dumbasses).

Today, I chose France as our Destination for Dumbasses because I hate to pick on Florida, it's not Floridians' fault for the influx of snow-dumbasses. I don't mind picking on California, but if I keep it up for too long each of the 36 million people who live there will be in therapy all at the same time, and they've got enough problems without continually pointing out the dumbasses in their midst, even though it would be a lot of fun. I pick on France because those pussies deserve every pot shot thrown their way just because they are French. And they are pussies. And dumbasses. All. Of. Them.

Gus' Duck Gets Daffy***
In some town in France whose name is way too long type over and over, but translates to We are pussies. All. Of. Us., is a guy who owns a duck farm. Being a duck farmer alone qualifies this imbecile as a dumbass, but there is more to his story that puts him in a dumbass class of one. He has a dumbass name too. Michel. I know it translates to Michael, but it also translates to I am a pussy, so I am gonna call the guy Gus. At least "Gus" doesn't sound like a girls name. But I digress. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Gus is a duck farming dumbass. He has 150 ducks on his farm and he says it's quite a chore to keep them all from getting worms. I suspect that is true. So, to keep his ducks wormless, Gus called in a "specialist" for advice on how to keep 150 ducks from getting worms. The "specialist" said that Gus should feed them pot. Yes pot. Marijuana. Weed. Chronic. Latin lettuce. Meskin Marlboros. It takes a lot of weed to keep 150 ducks from getting worms and Gus was up to the task of making sure there was plenty of the loco weed on hand to "de-worm" his ducks. As a matter of fact, the local gendarme, which is French for "we are the police, but we are pussies, too", got wind (pun intended) of Gus' magic duck de-wormer and paid him an official visit.

On his duck farm the cops found twelve pot plants and eleven pounds of bagged pot. The police were impressed by Gus' dedication to de-worming his ducks, but not so much by his stash, to which Gus readily admitted he had smoked some of the marijuana. No shit? Dumbass. When the matter finally went to court, Gus' lawyer told the judge, "This is for real, not one (duck) has worms and they're all in excellent health," said Jean Piot, Gus' lawyer. Ya think? I told you that every damn Frenchman alive is a dumbass! This gets better.

A police representative said the incident marked "the first time we've heard of something like this." Good Gawd!!! Frakkin' dumbass!!!!! What do you expect from a country that eats duck like Americans eat McDonalds, but will not ever Southern fry a good yardbird ( that's a chicken for the uninitiated) and serve it with smashed taters and cream gravy? This incident further proves that France is a lost cause. If the Moose Limbs don't get 'em, the Dumbass will. Vive la France! Les dumbasses.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Sheen to Return to "Two and a Half Men"? CBS = Dumbasses

Two and a Half Men is one of the best comedies I have ever seen on TV. I am also a big Charlie Sheen fan. The dude has some serious comedy skillz. Over the last few weeks, we have heard all kinds of dumb shit going on with Sheen and the people who produce the hit show. I ain't takin' sides in this dispute between dumbasses, but it's not like anybody didn't already know that Sheen marches to the beat of a different drum. Hell, the guy's been a "spirited" man for quite some time now. If the dumbasses at CBS thought anything other than ,"Gee, Charlie isn't exactly a normal guy", then I give them too much credit for being mere dumbasses. They are fucking stoopid as hell. Let me splain.

Sheen was fired by Warner Brothers for having a a drug induced orgy with a couple of Playboy bunnies, hookers or some such shit. In turn, Charlie was nice enough to file a $100 million lawsuit against WB and the show's producer, Chuck "Don't Call Me Peter" Lorre. Now the President of CBS, Les Moonves, wants everybody to play nice and resume production on the show ASAP. CBS and Warner Brothers are dumbasses of the highest order here. They fire the guy, call him everything but a child of God and now they wanna make nice? Sheen played these dumbasses like Charlie Daniels plays a fiddle. Sheen is their meal ticket and he knows and they know it, too. If Sheen refuses to go back to the show, there goes dozens of jobs of the crew from the Director all the way down to whoever brings the coffee when called upon. Sheen has stated publicly that he feels the crew should be better compensated for their work. If he bolts, it's AMF* to all those people. Then CBS, Warner Brothers and the show's sponsors lose millions of dollars of income because Sheen is the fuel in the engine that is Two and a Half Men. No Sheen, no show. End. Of. Story. Dumbasses.

I have a feeling it will all come out in the wash because May is getting closer and closer. Why is that such a big deal? may is sweeps month where a show's ratings have an impact on the price of ads that run on the show. Remember, we're not talking about milk money here. We're talking millions and millions of dollars. Trust me, there will be a reconciliation soon. And when Sheen returns, CBS and Warner Brothers will look like exactly what they are.....dumbasses.

* AMF = Adios Mother Fuckers

Monday, March 21, 2011

Another Drug Dealing Dumbass of the Year Candidate!

Makes Your Eyes Red Just Looking at It***
Today's story is about a Dumbass Drug Dealer, or DDD. Cody, the DDD, lives in McDonough, Georgia and ekes out a living by selling pot. Well, he used to, now he makes a living avoiding big, burly, horny men in jail. Not long ago the Henry County Sheriff's Office got a phone call about a couple of suspicious men out in the woods. The fuzz responded to the call and sure enough there was Cody the DDD and a friend of his along with a 4 wheeler. the cop approached Cody the DDD and his buddy asked them "what the hell are you dumbfucks doing?" Cody the DDD replied by saying that they were working on the 4 wheeler. The cop noticed a strong odor of marijuana and became even more suspicious when he saw a handgun. The cop then asked Cody the DDD " if he had been smoking the substance and the suspect "answered, 'Yes.'"
"The handgun turned out to be a BB gun ... . He threw something in the woods," Militello said. He said he found a plastic bag with suspected marijuana inside on Kinney's person and asked him what the substance was.

It's at this point that Cody crosses the line between regular dumbassery into "Holy shit! What a dumbass!" land. Remember, the cop just asked Cody what was in the baggie and (You can't make this shit up), "He replied, 'That's how I make my money,'"

That bit of witty repartee earned Cody the DDD a corner cell at the Henry County Hilton. Though I have never been arrested for possession of marijuana, I can say with certainty that telling the local constabulary that you make your living selling pot is not the way to get to go home to sleep in your own comfy bed. But, that's just me. Instead, Cody the Holy Shit! What a Dumbass! will be enjoying the cozy confines of the State of Georgia Prison System. And Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams will be enjoying Cody's ass. Holy shit! What a dumbass! :)

***Picture courtesy of
Thanks to an anonymous Dumbass for pointing out a typo. 

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Courtney Snorts Kurt?

Courtney Love, the widow of  the rock group Nirvana's frontman, Kurt Cobain is a hole, pun intended. This bitch is batshit crazy. I'm sure you've heard of this no talent waste of skin before. For a while, it seemed like she was in the news about once a week, kind of like Lindsey Lohan is today. Now, The Hole is at it again, thanks to a guy writing a book about famous dead people. let me splain.

The author, Neil Strauss, was visiting with The Dumbass Hole when they walked up to a chest of drawers and she opened one of the drawers and pulled out a cookie tin-looking thing with some white powder in it. What was in the tin? Speed? No. Cocaine? Nope. Dead Dumbass Husband's Cremated Remains? Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! To be fair, maybe the Dumbass Hole was just going to share a respectful moment with Strauss and offer a glance of Cobain's ashes and tell a tender story of the man she was married to. Bwahahahahaha! No! She mentioned that she would like to snort some of the remains like it was coke or something! I am not making this shit up. Evidently, she got the idea from Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones who admitted that he snorted some of his late father's ashes. Well, hell, in that case let's all snort the cremated remains of the family member of our choosing! And let me tell you, Courtney love could not have picked a better role model to follow than Keith Richards! He's a drug-addled walking zombie and she's not much better. In fairness to the Dumbass Hole, she and Strauss did not follow through on her idea, but she ended the conversation about it by saying, "I'd like to though". Dear Sweet Jesus!

What in the Name of all that is Holy do these people smoke? Whatever it is, they need to 1) share it with all of us or 2) be institutionalized or 3) both 1 & 2. Maybe Ms. Love has changed her ways to become a better mom and citizen (I hope so) and this was just an isolated drug-induced idea. I'm willing to give he the benefit of the doubt this time, but that bitch is still batshit looney tunes. And a hole. She's still a hole. And Kurt Cobain is still dead and in a cookie tin instead of up his dipshit wife's far as we know. Dumbass.

(Hat tip to Heather the Wife and Aol News)

***Image from Stephen Lovekin, Getty Images)***

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Say It Ain't So, Mariah!

Photo by James Devaney
What is it about getting rich and famous that turns seemingly plain old folks into dumbasses? I can understand all of the sudden that you have more money than God and you are now able to go places and do things that before you could only dream of. More power to you in that case. What I am talking about is when sudden riches turn ordinary people into blathering dumbasses, so far removed from reality and where they come from that they are, as a person, completely unrecognizable from what they once were. Mariah Carey is one of those people.

I don't know much about Ms. Carey except that she a pretty girl and can sing her ass off. I couldn't name you one of her songs if you held a gun to my head. I also remember a while back when she was in the news all the time because she had some "medical issues". I thought she had conquered those demons and she made a career comeback of epic proportions, got married and is expecting twins. I think that's great after all she has been through. Then Mariah goes and opens her mouth and removes all doubt that she is a dumbass. Let me splain.

Mariah has several dogs. Again, good for her. I am sure that she loves her dogs and takes very good care of them. Maybe too good care of them. With the impending arrival of her two little bundles of joy, Mariah cares enough for her pooches that she is sending them to therapy so they won't feel left out when the babies get here! Are you fucking kidding me? Here's a quote from the story on BoomBox  "but the mom-to-be is pulling out all the stops to make sure they don't get jealous of the new addition to the family. Mimi has hired a dog psychologist to treat her four Jack Russell dogs. The singer called on the doc to help prevent the canines from having any sort of envy regarding her imminent twins." The comments are even better. Check these two out:

Let's see you have four established Jack Russell terriers in a household where two new babies are about to join. Since Jack Russell's were originally used for fox hunting and can be quite aggressive I see nothing in getting help for the dogs to cope with the new additions to the household. Pet experts always recommend taking measures to ensure the dogs get acclimated to babies. If the dogs harmed the babies all the haters would be singing a different tune and questioning why Mariah didn't do anything in advance to prepare the dogs for the babies' arrival. 

And this doozy from the same dumbass: "Since Jack Russell's were originally used for fox hunting and can be quite aggressive I see nothing WRONG in getting help for the dogs to cope with the new additions to the household". Just remember that people like this flaming dumbshit vote. I'm just sayin'.

I'm sure that Mariah Carey is a very nice young lady and a kind hearted soul. And it's her money so she can waste it any way she sees fit. But, if she's worried about those damn dogs hurting her babies, she could, oh...I don't know...give them away or something! I know that if I had a dog and it ever even looked like it was gonna hurt one of my kids, the fucking mongrel would be learning discipline courtesy of Messrs. Smith and Wesson. End of dog. End of story. No fuss, no muss. So, Mariah, save your money and find another good home for your dogs. I'm certain that you wouldn't as quick as I am to introduce them to Mr. Smith and his buddy Mr.Wesson. But then, again, why would you do that? Dumbass.

 (Hat tip to Heather the Wife)

Friday, March 18, 2011

Missed It By THAT Much!

Originally posted January 8, 2011

This is one of those stories that come around every so often and it makes you go WTF? Watch the video, then I'll have my usual brilliant-for-a-dumbass insight, commentary,name-calling and finger-pointing. In other words, we'll get to the the fun stuff!

To review...the guy had been doing some home improvement work on his home then went on vacation for a week. He comes back home to find his house is gone like yesterday and he is now the proud owner of a hay-covered lot. The house nextdoor was the one scheduled to be torn down. As Maxwell Smart would say, "Missed it by that much!" A couple of solutions come to mind. Solution No.1: buy a goat. Goats love hay. Solution No.2: Become the proud of of all the heavy equipment a man could ever want. To achieve this objective, the dude must retain counsel and sue the dumbass contractor into oblivion! Since goats are probably not aloowed in the city limits, suing the dumbass that wrongly demolished your home after being advised by the city in writing not to do so (!) seems to be the last remaining legal remedy the homewoner has. Kicking the contractor's ass from Pittsburgh to Philadelphia is the most satisfying, but felonious, retribution. And when the word "felony" and my (your,his,her) name are inexorably linked, I tend to calm down rather quickly and seek the less violent and less fun solution to the problem. I think the homeowner will take that path as well. If there are any construction-type readers out there in the Pittsburgh area, keep an eye on your local newsrag's classifieds. I have a sneaky feeling there will be a big sale on all sorts of stuff you need at reasonable prices very soon. There will also be less competition in your town because there will one less dumbass to bid against. And one brand spankin' new home to build for the poor man whose house was obliterated by a dumbass. Things could have been worse, though. The homeowner could have been alseep in the house at the time it was torn down. Just sayin'.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Pendejo (Dumbass) Insults His Heritage

My wife, Heather, is a big YouTube watcher. She watches some stuff that makes you wanna go "what the fuck?" But some of it is actually pretty funny, other stuff she watches is of dumbass quality.. Today I will show you a video that falls into the "dumbass quality" category.
You may wonder why I find this particular video to be "of dumbass quality". Let me splain. First of all, it ain't any part of funny. Second of all, it's just fucking stoopid. Cheech Marin this pendejo ain't. I have stated many times on my blogs that I will make fun of anybody at any time, except for my Mother. Everybody else is fair game -white folks, black folks, Meskins, Arabs, (insert ethnic group here). Another thing about this video that chaps my ass is that the dumbass in it is insulting all Latinos that happen to live in the barrio, or "ghetto". I have or have had at one point in my life hundreds of friends of the Meskin or Central American persuasion. They are wonderful, hard working, family-oriented, God-fearing people. I love them and they have always made me feel like I am a part of their family, for which I am eternally grateful. I have great respect and admiration for them and their native culture. I am also thankful to them for Tequila. Tequila is the nectar of Heaven. But, I digress.

Did I mention that I have been speaking Spanish for over forty years? I could live in any Spanish-speaking country in the world and not miss a beat. I'm not bragging here, I am just stating facts that show my connection to Latino culture and language. Sabe? Back to the dumbass in the video. The "ghetto tamal" ("tamal" is the singular of "tamales". Don't let anybody tell you different) He is nothing but a wannabe YouTube star and all he is accomplishing is making himself and other Latinos look like a bunch of ghetto dwelling idiots. Maybe I am over reacting, but I find this video insulting and demeaning to my Meskin and Central American amigos. If this dumbass wants a real tamal, I can refer him to some people in Irving, Texas or East Dallas that take pride in their abilities to make authentic Meskin comida. So, dumbass, take your "ghetto tamal" and shove it up your fundio, pinche cabron. Otherwise, have a nice day. Dumbass.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Money is Fake, The Dumbass is Real

Ricky Ricardo Impersonator Dollar Bill
Today's foray into dumbassery finds us deep in the Dumbass Jungle where the dumbasses are even more of a dumbass than your garden variety, everyday dumbass. The Dumbass Jungle yields a much more stoopid species than their urban counterparts. A prime example of this theory is Douglas Osborne of Gainesville, Florida.

You see, good ole Doug wanted some spending money so he was bound and determined to get it one way or another. Did he get a job? No. Did he walk the streets of Gainesville picking up bottles and cans? Uh-uh. he went to Walmart. "But wait!", you say, "you said he didn't get a job". And he didn't. He went into WalMart to buy a printer. Here's where the money comes in. Doug was making money all right. Making it with his printer! Dumbass Doug printed about $600 in funny money and immediately went on an attempted spending spree all over town. Despite the fact that Gainesville is home to Florida State University, where some of the athletes have a higher felony count than a GPA, but, I digress, some people, non-FSU grads, employed by local businesses (FSU grads can be heard at your local fast food drive thru saying, "Would you like that Super sized?") were not fooled by the obviously fake money and by the end of the day, Doug was just another dumbass in the FSU Wing of the County Jail, charged with making fake cash and being a non-athletic dumbass felon. But, I, again, digress.

Let this be a lesson to other dumbasses who are thinking of doing a little counterfeit money action, use something better than a $49.99 Epson printer from WalMart to do your dirty deeds. And if you become a successful counterfeiter, drop me a note. I need some new stories about you dipshits for this blog. Dumbasses.

(hat tip to Heather the Wife)

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Young Dumbasses Destroy School, But Get Caught Because They are Dumbasses

Starting Point for Young Dumbasses
I am happy to help out a trio of young men to realize their potential as young dumbasses. They certainly have an impressive starting point upon which to build a foundation of their lifes' dreams. Because of this, these fine young men will soon be world renown dumbasses. Their legacy will be one of the stuff of dumbass legend. Let me splain.

These three young dumbasses thought that they needed to have some fun. So, did they go to a movie? No. Did they go to one of their homes and play video games? Nope. They thought it necessary to break into an elementary school and have some young dumbass fun. Young dumbass fun includes "causing over $50,000 worth of damage to the school, including broken windows and destroyed lockers. They broke into the school office and pulled all the school records out of the file drawers and ran them through the paper shredder. Determined to do as much damage as possible, they started piling trash in the middle of the floor, along with the contents of all the desk and file drawers." Then the real strong dumbass fun took place. "“When they got bored with trashing the place, they played with the copy machine, taking prints of their backsides and faces. Being the neat and tidy boys they were, they kept the copies they liked and threw the ones they didn’t like into a nearby trash can. The sheriff looked in the trash cans the next morning and found perfect mug shots of each of the boys involved.”

It's so nice to see that our young people are so ambitious and are so willing to show that when you do something, it's worth doing right. A for effort. D for dumbass.

Monday, March 14, 2011

MADD Drunk Driving, No Response From DAMM

Dumbass Drunk Driver
Our Dumbass of the Day today deserves all the scorn and ridicule that can be heaped upon her. She is a hypocrite and the type of person who can judge you and how you live, then criticize the hell out of you without a moment's hesitation. Now it's her turn to be on the receiving end of what she usually dishes out. Let me splain.

Her name is Debra Oberlin. Deb the Dumbass is the former president of the Gainesville, Florida Chapter of MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). Deb was recently arrested. Guess what she was busted for. Wait. For. It. Drunk driving!!! Yep, Deb was plastered when she was behind the wheel of an automobile driving like, well, a drunk. On the old Dumbass Drunk Driving Breathalyzer Thing, Deb blew a .234 and a .239. The threshold for drunk driving in Florida is .08. At .234 and .239, Deb was in FUBAR* territory.  Deb the former MADD chapter president is now Deb the Dumbass Drunk Driver. The president of the Gainesville, Florida DAMM (Drunks Against Mad Mothers) was unavailable for comment.

Look, I know we all do stoopid shit that we wish we could re-do the right way, myself included. hell, I could write a book called "Stoopid Shit I've Done". It would have to a series of books though, because I have done plenty of stoopid shit. But, with all the stoopid shit I've done, not one time was it because I am a hypocritical know-it-all, like Deb is. As a Proessional Dumbass Who Has Done Way Too Much Stoopid Shit, my advice to Deb is to think twice before judging somebody because now they have the ammo to fire right back at your sorry ass. One more thing before I go, Deb, Fuck you. You were lucky that you didn't kill an innocent person because you chose to get hammered and drive a car while inebriated. Count your blessings and lay off the hooch while driving. Dumbass.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Organic Dumbasses Find Love in the Veggie Burger Section

The internet has had an amazing effects on today's society. Nowadays you can go online to pay bills, shop, do research, date and a thousand other things. I want to focus on the dating thing for today's post. As you may or may not know, I met my wife online. Quick recap: we met in an AOL Chat Room , became friends, exchanged phone calls and one day I showed up here in Maine, not really knowing what to expect, but we ended up getting married and having a baby together. I have now been here for almost five years and everything is great. In spite of the fact that the internet has changed, or added to, the way things are done, the old fashion meet and greet of the real world still is the way to go for most people. Most single people prefer the old fashioned way to seek a mate...face to face. And one of the staples of finding a partner is till going strong. I am talking of meeting in a supermarket. Nothing says I love you like when two people reach for the same cumquat, touch hands and feel the sparks between each other.

But some dumbasses go to specialty grocery stores to meet and seek love over the tofu. Rainbow Foods of Minneapolis, Minny-sota is a trend setter when it comes to such encounters. Should we call thee knot heads Organic Dumbasses? I dunno. A spokes-organic dumbass for the grocery retailer explains, "Several people make the same types of food, and you can have a conversation that's not intimidating." Here's some more organic dumbassery for you, "said co-op shoppers are likely to make connections because they "know that (others) share some values ... whether environmental or health or the treatment of animals." I can see it now. Two  organic dumbasses are admiring the bean sprouts when one of them says, "Nice global warming we're having today". then the other organic dumbass responds, "Yes, it is. The Polar Ice Caps are melting at an alarming rate and soon sea levels will rise by 20 feet! How about you and I go for a latte sometime?" If I weren't busy heaving up breakfast, I'd find that type of meeting as Gaia-inspired. The conversation continues, "I hope these bean sprouts are from free range beans. I could never forgive myself if they weren't." The response, "Ooooh, baby, you really curdle my soy milk when you talk like that. Let's live in sin together!" An organic dumbass romance is born.

I don't want to rag people because they share the same interests like global warming and a matter of fact, I DO want to rag on them because they are organic dumbasses! On top of that, they are generally a bunch of condescending assholes who think they are better than their non-organic dumbass friends. So Gaia damn them all! Organic dumbasses.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Dumbass College Paper Editor Has a Bright Future

Successful Because They Make a Lot of Mistakes
Oh, goodie. Just what the world needs....another dumbass journalist. I gotta admit, though, the boy's got a good head start. Let me splain.

Western Illinois University has got to be held accountable for lettting the dumbass of our story slime his way through their institution of "higher learning" (bwahahahahahahaha) Now that I've quit laughing, let's move on. I'll clip a portion of the UPI article about this dumbass, "Ed Komenda, editor-in-chief of the Western Courier, said the phrase "bad mother" followed by a vulgar four-letter euphemism for fornication was accidentally printed in Monday's byline as a result of a template created years ago as a joke, WQAD-TV, Moline, Ill., reported Wednesday". A dirty word in a college newspaper???It's the end of civilization as we know it! Dumbasses. The dumbass moment is still to come, so stay with me.

Here's the kicker, so please make sure that you are seated. The editor of the school paper said, "One of my favorite sayings is, 'In order to do something well, you have to do it bad first.' You make mistakes and you learn from them. That's how you learn to be an award-winning paper, by making a lot of mistakes," he said. let me run that last sentence by you one more time. 'That's how you learn to be an award-winning paper, by making a lot of mistakes." Are you fucking kidding me? And just think...all this time I thought award-winning newspapers actually practiced this little thing called "journalism". Am I a dumbass or what? Getting information on a story and piecing together the facts and reporting them thusly has absolutely nothing to do with a successful newspaper! Kiss my ass. This kid has a very bright future ahead of him at some of the most "prestigious" newspapers in this country. Just to name a few, the L.A. Times, Washington Post and the Old Gray Lady, the New York Times do shit like that all the damn time! Mistakes (or downright lies) are part of the every day fare of these "successful" newspapers. Oh, wait. I forgot that these scandal sheets are losing readers by the thousands every month, to the delight of pet parakeets everywhere. So, Ed the Dumbass Editor, you might want to rethink your plans there, Hoss. Drunk, fat and being a dumbass is no way to go through life, son. And, Ed, do me a solid, young brother. For the love of God and humanity, please DO NOT pro-create! Dumbass.

Friday, March 11, 2011

The $63,000 Boinking!

The Groom is a Dawg (and a dumbass)
Marriage is a Sacrament  that bonds a man and a woman together forever, in body and in spirit, a union that is Holy as ordained by God. Getting to the alter sometimes proves, shall we say, to be problematic. Especially if the dumbass groom has a bachelor party and he bumps uglies with a woman he met there. It's even worse when the bride-to-be finds out about the groom-to-be's "indiscretion". And to make matters even worse, if that's possible at this point, the jilted woman is an attorney. Complicating things even more is the fact that the dumbass groom-to-be is a lawyer, too!

The Mrs. Dumbass-to-be was scorned and hell hath no fury and all that. It goes without saying that Mrs. Almost a Dumbass called off the wedding because the groom couldn't keep his thang in his pants. Now the spurned bride has filed a lawsuit against the dumbass groom to the tune of 63 Large. From the UPI story we find out, "The suit, which alleges breach of the promise to marry and intentional infliction of emotional distress, is seeking reimbursement totaling $62,814 for expenses including the wedding dress, bridesmaid's dresses, wedding invitations, a band reservation and non-refundable plane tickets and hotel reservations for a honeymoon in Bora Bora." What the hell was this dumbass thinking? Bumping uglies with some chick at your bachelor party is about as dumbass as a groom-to-be can get. It also tends to piss off the bride. And that ain't good. Especially when she's a lawyer. By the way, the boinkee in this saga said she had no idea that the dumbass was involved with anyone. I guess the fact that it was a bachelor party and that there was a wedding coming up was a little above this broad's head. Dumbass.

I have absolutely no sympathy for the dumbass groom. He's an idjit. Dude, if you're gonna nail some broad at your own bachelor party, make sure she's a stripper or something, and the boinking is cheap and superficial at best. However, the sure fire way to avoid a situation like this is to keep your penis in your pants! The penis, and $63,000 you save may be your own. Dumbass.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Dumbass Burglar Calls 911 on Himself in the Middle of His Crime!

This is a West Coast Dumbass
Is it just me or do criminals seem to be getting even more stoopid? I mena, some of these guys are so fucking stoopid they'd have to go to school for a few years just to be a dumbass. Wait! I think I answered my own question! These dumbasses are products of our public school system! I'm not gonna rag on public schools, that's a topic for another day, but I don't have too many nice things to say about many of them. But, I digress.

Public school product and dumbass Timothy Chapek really wernt beyond the call of ordinary dumbassery recently when he broke into a house in Oregon. While Tim was in the middle of his burglary, the owner of the house returned home to find Tim the Dumbass on the phone.  On the phone with the police! You can't make this shit up. Following is the story from the NY Daily News: "An Oregon burglar didn't wait to be caught by the cops after breaking into a house -- he called them himself.

The intruder, 24-year-old Timothy Chapek, dialed 911 after the homeowner discovered him lurking in her bathroom.

"I just broke into a house and the owner came home," Chapek told the 911 operator, in a call obtained by The Smoking Gun. "I think they have guns."

"You broke into a house?" asked the confused operator.

"Why are you in my house taking a shower?" homeowner Hilary McKenzie can be heard asking in the background. "Who are you?"

"My name is Timothy Chapek," Chapek told her sheepishly.

"I broke in...I already called them," he added, when McKenzie threatened to call the police. "They're on the phone right now."

McKenzie then called 911 herself to report the intruder, telling the operator that Chapek was hiding in the bathroom."

What. A. Dumbass. The gene pool on the West Coast gets shallower by the minute. Timmy Boy needs to be fixed so, under NO circunstances whatsoever, should he be allowed to pro-create! EVER! Sever his gazebos from his body, put them on a small chain and tell him that it's latest in Dumbass Necklaces.

It is my opinion that we have dumbasses like Tim in our society because of Liberalism and all the attendant fallacies and feel good crap that go with it. I had a scathing condemnation of the dumbasses on the West Coast ( I'm looking at YOU, Liberals!), but I decided to hold off on it for another day. Maybe we could just spay and neuter Liberals and the rest of us can go on about our business. Dumbasses.

***hat tip to my bro Mark in Texas!***

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Old WalMart Greeter Dumbass Robs the WalMart He Works At!

This Is NOT George
I like Old People. Hell, I am almost an Old People myself. Old Farts have a lot to offer those around them. They didn't get to be Old People by being stoopid. But sometimes when People get to be Old People they transform into Old Stoopid People. Take, for instance, George Plane, Jr. of Statesville, North Carolina. George was just a nice Old Man working as a greeter at the local WalMart when Satan took over his Soul. At this point George went from Nice Old Man to Nice Old Man Who Is Now a Dumbass Felon. Let me splain.

George was doing his duty as a WalMart greeter making shoppers feel welcomed when he left his post and went outside to his car. While there, George put on a disguise and went back into the store. He hauled ass (as much an 83 year old man can haul ass) to the Garden Department and pulled out a pistol! George pointed the gun at a Garden Department employee and demanded all the cash in the register. During this felonious assault, George the Old Dumbass Felon fired a shot into the air. A couple of things here. I'm thinking that a gun shot inside the WalMart might garner some attention. But that's just me. Second, and more important, an 83 year old man in a disguise just might strike some people as odd. For God's sake, did this Old Felonious Dumbass really think that nobody would recognize him? 83 year old dudes in some weird get up are not what you'd expect to see at the local WalMart store. I'm thinkin' that George stood out like a guy in a white sheet and a pointed hat at an NAACP rally. I'm just sayin'. Dumbass.

George got the cash from the register, then used his walker to make a bee line for his car and make good his escape. But, George didn't make it far when he was stopped by the cops for Driving While Not Able to See Over the Steering Wheel and armed robbery, but mostly armed robbery. Upon arresting George, one of the cops said (I am not making mthis up), "He appeared to be in good shape". Except for the fact that he was eaten up with the dumbass!

Now days George works as a Death Row Greeter, ("Welcome to Death Row...") at the North Carolina Prison for the Criminally Dumbass.


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I Scooped "Entertainment Tonight" or Some Other Dumbass TV Show

My wife was watching some goofy ass TV show (Entertainment Tonight?) and this was a feature. I beat them to it by a few months. Behold a Materpiece of Dumbass News!

You dumbass! You farted!
There are few things in this world that come anywhere near leaving me speechless. What I am about to describe to you damn near did it. Human beings,  by their Latin name known as dumbassus erectus, will do almost anything for amusement and/or competition. There are such events as the Calaveras (CA) County Fair and Jumping Frog Jubilee, Watermelon Thump in Luling, Texas, where the biggest attraction is the watermelon seed spitting contest and 35,000 dumbasses people attend each year, and here's a new one to me that recently took place right here in Maine - The North American Wife Carrying Championships!  I mean, we don't get the Olympics, NASCAR, NFL, Major League Baseball and whatnot, but we do make a sport of wife carrying! Just imagine the fun and companionship to be had by dumbass couples from all around the country.

  • Dumbass Wife to Dumbass husband : "Honey, I have just the thing that could save our marriage." 
  • Dumbass Husband : "And that would be what?"
  • Dumbass Wife : "You could carry me!"
  • Dumbass Husband : "I've been doing that for the last 25 years."
  • Dumbass Wife : "No,dear. I mean you could carry me in the North American Wife Carrying Championships!"
  • Dumbass Husband : "You do love me! Our marriage is saved!"
 The object of this dumbass "sport" is to navigate a 278 yard course lined with mud holes and all sorts of fun obstacles like that while carrying your dumbass wife on your back! What fun! The people who participate in dumbass wife carrying are deadly serious about it, why they've even got specialized ways for a man to carry his better half. From we learn : "Carrying methods include traditional piggyback, the fireman’s carry or something called the “Estonian carry,” said Paula Wheeler, director of development for the Mahoosuc Arts Council, the event’s sponsor." The "Estonian carry" sounds particularly menacing (or pornographic, I ain't sure which). The best thing about this event, besides the certain hilarity that ensues, is what the winner receives as a prize. I.Am.Not.Making.This.Up. His wife's weight in beer! There is a God! It turns out that the dumbass husband totin' around his dumbass wife becomes a dumbass drunk! You now understand what people who live in a place like Maine, where there are about 8 months winter, do during those long cold times. They make up dumbass stuff like wife carrying! And curling, but that's another story for another day. If every married couple in the United States took part in wife carrying, the divorce rate would plummet.The alcoholism rate among married men would skyrocket (see prize for winners), but those men would be happily married drunks. In my view, it all evens out. :) For those of you who are considering wife carrying as a marriage-enhancing tool, I'll leave you with info on the 2011 World Wife Carrying Championships to be held in Finland. I almost forgot that there is a division in this dumbass competition for women who want to carry their husbands! Equal opportunity, you gotta love it. I am curious here, what is the wife's prize if she wins? Her husband's weight in bon bons?

Monday, March 7, 2011

Dumbass Fraud!

$145,000 ?
There is so much good Dumbass News today that I had a hard time deciding what to post. So when in doubt I always go with the story that features a dumbass Liberal from the West Coast. They're always good for a laugh. And that's exactly what I did. There are more dumbass Liberals on the West Coast than there are fat kids at a Chocolate Chip Cookie Festival. I'm just sayin'.

There is this dumbass broad named Loewen in Ferndale, Washington who is the focus of our story today. Loewen is a fucked up name to begin with, even for a dumbass, so let's just call the idiot "Dumbass". Check this shit out. from the UPI story we get this gem, "Investigators said 59-year-old Loewen B. Craft was wearing a gray wig and makeup to make her appear older when she arrived at the Industrial Credit Union bran ch in Ferndale, Wash., allegedly to open an account in her deceased mother's name, The Bellingham (Wash.) Herald reported." What the hell? But, wait! There's more! "Craft's mother, Betty Becker, died in 2007. Elfo said Craft collected more than $145,000 in benefits from her mother's Chevron Oil pension fund. Craft allegedly obtained a false identity in her mother's name before her mother died" $145,000?! I'd like to congratulate Loewen on setting the new standard for dumbassery. The bar has been lowered, so the rest of you dumbasses waiting to make The Big Time (this blog), you've got some serious dumbassery to beat here. Don't despair, however, competition among dumbasses is good for dumbassery, it's the American Dumbass Way where only the strong will survive.

Anyway, Loewen is safely locked up the county jail where she cannot procreate and have a bunch of little dumbasses running around like cockroaches when the kitchen light's turn on late at night. Dumbass.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Chimney Prevents Crime!

Crime Buster!
This story is about something that has had me puzzled for years. Why in the world would any dumbass want to burglarize a home by climbing down the chimney unless he's a midget dumbass? I mean the average chimney couldn't be more than a couple of square feet in size. Wouldn't that be a tight fit for any normal sized man? I stand 5'4" and go about 150 lbs. I am not pudgy, much less fat, and even I wouldn't try to go down a chimney to commit a burglary. That begs the next question. How the hell do you go back up the chimney to leave the scene of the crime? But, Toby, you dumbass, you could use a door to make your escape! If a man is dumbass enough to try to go down a chimney to steal some shit from some poor schmuck, then he's too big a dumbass to use a door to get away! If he was gonna use a door to escape, why wouldn't the dumbass just jimmy a door open to gain entry into the house? Only the dumbass knows for sure.

This question piqued my interest when I read the story of an Arlington, Texas man who tried to rip off a house by going down the chimney. His evil plans went awry when the dumbass tried to go down the chimney and he got stuck! I guess there must be a shortage of midgets who want to rob houses by going down chimneys. Anyway, the dumbass got stuck and then he knew he was screwed and wasn' gonna get kissed, so he hollered for help until the Arlington fuzz arrived at the scene. The dumbass was extracted from the chimney and charged with burglary of a habitation. Also when searching the dumbass' Jeep, they found some pot and the dumbass was hit with that charge as well. The key to this whole case is the pot. The dumbass probably smoked a little weed and then went to Taco Bell for the 24 tacos for $4.99 special and sucked all the tacos down like a fat kid slams a chocolate cake. After a couple dozen Taco Bell tacos, nobody is gonna be able to fit in to a chimney. Not even a midget crook. That's my theory and I'm stickin' to it. There's a lesson in all this talk of burglarizing homes by way of the chimney - get high AFTER you pull off the job! Then go to Taco Bell! Dumbass.
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Saturday, March 5, 2011

Fight Over Facebook Lands Florida Couple In Jail

Facebook. You've got Facebook. I've got Facebook. All God's children got Facebook. Or so it seems. For me Facebook has been a valuable tool in my "online life". Through Facebook, I have connected with friends that I hadn't heard from in thirty-five years. I have also used Facebook to promote all my blogs, including this one, with amazing results. I'm sure there are tens of millions of other people around the world who have had similar experiences with the social network. This is not the case with everyone, however.

Take this dumbass couple from Brooksville, Florida. Please! They were evidently having some domestic issues when the lady changed her relationship status on facebook and the guy went ape shit.To make matters worse, she had the unmitigated gall to "unfriend" him. As you and I know this is not a good sign of domestic tranquility. Especially for dumbasses. However, this is where hilarity ensues.

The chick started throwing things at the dude, who retaliated by throwing stuff back at her and then punching her in the head. God knows what would have happened if she turned down his request to play Farmville. We could be talking murder one here. Long story, short. The cops came heard both sides of the story and then hauled both these dumbasses of to jail on charges of domestic violence. That's a helluva price to pay for being "unfriended" on Facebook.

Upon arrival at the County Jail, one of the arresting officers was overheard to say, "Facebook 'em, Danno"  :)  Dumbasses.
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