Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: May 2011 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Dumbass Organic Love

The internet has had an amazing effects on today's society. Nowadays you can go online to pay bills, shop, do research, date and a thousand other things. I want to focus on the dating thing for today's post. As you may or may not know, I met my wife online. 

Quick recap: we met in an AOL Chat Room , became friends, exchanged phone calls and one day I showed up here in Maine, not really knowing what to expect, but we ended up getting married and having a baby together. I have now been here for almost five years and everything is great.

In spite of the fact that the internet has changed, or added to, the way things are done, the old fashion meet and greet of the real world still is the way to go for most people. Most single people prefer the old fashioned way to seek a mate...face to face. And one of the staples of finding a partner is till going strong. I am talking of meeting in a supermarket. Nothing says I love you like when two people reach for the same cumquat, touch hands and feel the sparks between each other.

But some dumbasses go to specialty grocery stores to meet and seek love over the tofu. Rainbow Foods of Minneapolis, Minny-sota is a trend setter when it comes to such encounters. Should we call thee knot heads Organic Dumbasses? I dunno. A spokes-organic dumbass for the grocery retailer explains, "Several people make the same types of food, and you can have a conversation that's not intimidating." Here's some more organic dumbassery for you, "said co-op shoppers are likely to make connections because they "know that (others) share some values ... whether environmental or health or the treatment of animals."

Tofu or Not Tofu, That Is the Question

I can see it now. Two  organic dumbasses are admiring the bean sprouts when one of them says, "Nice global warming we're having today".

Then the other organic dumbass responds, "Yes, it is. The Polar Ice Caps are melting at an alarming rate and soon sea levels will rise by 20 feet! How about you and I go for a latte sometime?" If I weren't busy heaving up breakfast, I'd find that type of meeting as Gaia-inspired.

The conversation continues, "I hope these bean sprouts are from free range beans. I could never forgive myself if they weren't."

The response, "Ooooh, baby, you really curdle my soy milk when you talk like that. Let's live in sin together!" An organic dumbass romance is born.

Kiss My Organic Ass

I don't want to rag people because they share the same interests like global warming and a matter of fact, I DO want to rag on them because they are organic dumbasses! On top of that, they are generally a bunch of condescending assholes who think they are better than their non-organic dumbass friends. So Gaia damn them all!

And kiss my organic ass.

Organic dumbasses.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Dumbass Fakes Own Kidnapping, Prison Ensues

OK, here we go again. Another "dumbass does stoopid shit to get girl's attention and ends up looking like a bigger dumbass because he goes to jail" story. let me splain.

There is this dumbass who lives in Roseville, Michigan with a lot of other dumbasses, but he stands head and shoulders above the other dumbasses. How do I know that? This is how I know...the dumbass faked his own kidnapping just to get the attention of a girl who turns out to be his ex-girlfriend! Folks, this is the kind of dumbassery that is so stoopid that it measures 6.5 on the Richter Scale. Lemme put this another way. If a horse was this stoopid, he'd be glue right now. Our dumbass, however, would be refused at the glue factory because he's worthless, even as glue. So now it is your responsibility as a taxpayer to support his sorry ass for the next "X" number of years. We can only hope that, at the end of incarceration he has truly repented of his sins, is rehabilitated and is fit to join polite society again. In the meanwhile, I hope this dipshit, knuckle dragger gets his ass kicked every day for the duration of his prison term for pulling this little stunt. Oh...and don't forget Leon "Hung Like A Horse" Williams, the Official Adopted Inmate of Dumbass News. Leon loves white meat. Leon says it tastes like chicken. Leon also doesn't like it when pasty white sissy boys waste taxpayers money on elaborate pansy schemes to get the attention of a girl whose nicest words to you are, "Die in a fire, Asswipe".

I was going to excerpt some of the story but, there's not anything else that would add to this post, except this: "Deputies said the man told them he had been having suicidal thoughts and had previously attempted suicide. He was taken to a hospital for a psychiatric evaluation." Well, I know that I feel beter. The Roseville, Michigan Police Department is on the case! And I want to wish our dumbass better luck the next time he tries to adios himself to that big Dumbass Dungeon in the Sky.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Mice-a-Roni, The Pennsylvania Treat!

It's refreshing to know that the spirit of competition is alive and well in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania. Well, it's not exactly the spirit of competition, it's more like the spirit of sabotage. But, you can see how I could mistake one for the other. Speaking of sabotage...

This dumbass guy named Nik is a pizza joint owner and he had a great marketing idea that would crush the competition. Nik's idea involved live mice and this other pizza restaurant down the street. You can see where I am going with this. Here's a bit of the story from UPI, "Nik came into Verona Pizza while two officers were dining Monday and asked to use the restroom. The owner of the restaurant soon found footprints on a toilet seat and the officers looked inside the ceiling and discovered a bag containing several live mice." the cops had enough evidence to nail Nik, so they did. one of Upper Darby's Finest shared this with us, "We have never had anything like this, where mice have been used as an instrument of crime," the Philadelphia Inquirer quoted the cop spokesguy as saying. "This is food terrorism by mice," he said. What a dumbass. I don't if I mean Nik is the dumbass or the cop spokesfuzz dude. But, I digress.

As if we didn't have enough trouble already, now we got to worry about some guy named Adbul carrying a load of suicide mice in his back pack or briefcase. At the point I have a question. How on Earth can the bad guys get those little bitty suicide bomb belts on the mice? Could somebody help a bruthah out on this? Inquiring dumbasses want to know. Let's see, where were we? Oh, yeah. Nik the dumbass was busted for putting a bag full of live mice in the ceiling of his pizza joint competitor down the street. One of the charges Nik faces is "This is food terrorism by mice". Dumbass.

So, once again some dumbass American invents a new way to become a bigger dumbass. If it wasn't so damn funny, it would be pitiful. But, hey, we prey on the pitiful here at Dumbass News, so the more dumbasses, the better for us. Bring us your downtrodden, your poor, your hungry, your dumbasses and we'll be more than happy to berate and belittle them like the scuz they are. Having been downtrodden, poor, hungry and a dumbass at one point or another in my life, I have earned the right to make fun of anybody, anywhere except my Mama. So show me a list of rich ambulance-chasin' Attorneys at Law, I'll amke fun of those bastards, too. I am an equal opportunity insulter. That's the second time I have digressed in this one post. I gotta watch out for that. And mice. I gotta watch out for mice. Dumbass.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Leave the Shiny Knife Alone, Boys

Those fun-loving Scandis are at it again, those silly pranksters. And by pranksters, I mean you stab another guy at your party. Let me splain.

These two Swedish guys were at a party when the conversation shifted to a knife proof vest that one of these dumbasses had recently bought. Much like some of my buddies back in Texas, these two dumbass Scandis were bound and determined to test out this knife proof vest. I gotta tell ya, there's nothing like being three sheets to the wind and doing some quality control testing on a little body armor. But, my buddies is Texas use a Kevlar vest and AK-47s during their quality control experiment. But, I digress. of the Scandi dumbasses put on the knife proof vest and told his friend to stab him. So the friend stabs Dumbass No.1. Wow! That vest really works! Now it's Dumbass No.2's chance to see how effective the knife proof vet is, so he puts it on, braces himself and STAB! The vest DID NOT WORK! But, it wasn't a defect in the vest that caused Dumbass No.2 to receive a stab wound, it was Dumbass No.1 who was at fault! Dumbass No.1 stabbed Dumbass No.2 where there was no protection from the vest! Simply put, Dumbass No.1 missed the vest entirely and stabbed his friend! Holy Husqvarna, Batman! Frakkin' dumbass.

Dumbass No.2 was taken to the hospital and treated for a minor stab wound and released. Dumbass No.1 was no doubt made fun of, mocked, ridiculed and otherwise became the laughing stock of  his hometown of Vittsjo. The word "Vittsjo" is Super Sekret Subversive Scandi Code Talk for "Vittsjo, Home to the Biggest Dumbass in Sweden and Bring Your Own Knife Proof Vest, Get Drunk and Give It a Try!"  What fun Vittsjo must be, huh? At least nobody was seriously injured, but this incident put a damper on any further partying for the night. What a bummer. I am 100% certain that the Commie Swedish gubmint will now pass a law for Knife Proof Vest Control, complete with background checks and a Knife Proof Vest Training Class. Dumbasses.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Footprints in the Snow Lead to Dumbass Crook

Footprints Leading to a Dumbass
When it comes to criminals, I get great joy from making fun of the really dumbass ones. Which of course comprises about 99.9% of the criminal population. Our man Aaron Braun of Ellsworth, Maine is in the top (bottom?) .001% of the criminally dumbass. A.B., as his fellow criminal dumbasses call him, got a brilliant idea to commit a burglary at a local plumbing supply store. He broke out a window on a side door to the business, made his entry, snagged $300 cash and made a clean getaway. almost clean getaway. There was snow on the ground the night that A.B. committed his little breaking and entering. And the problem with snow on the ground is what? Yes! Footprints! A.B., dumbass burglar is also A.B. the dumbass who doesn't realize that when you walk in snow, you leave footprints! But, wait! There's more! (best cheap ass product commercial voiceover). Aaron didn't have a getaway car standing by to make a clean escape. He walked to crime scene and walked home after committing the crime! So guess what? The police showed up investigate the crime and you know what they saw by the side door with the broken window? Yes again! Footprints! Footprints leading to a nearby apartment. Cops follow footprints to nearby apartment and knock on door. Door answered by (Ta-Da!) Aaron Braun! Aaron gets busted and is now a guest of the Hancock County Crossbar Hilton. Aaron, Aaron, Aaron...tsk tsk...Buy a damn car, dumbass! Or don't rob a place while there is snow on the ground! Or just don't rob any place. Especially for only $300. Dumbass. Do I have to do all the thinking for you?

Aaron was charged with a bunch of stuff and will undoubtedly be spending a few years making license plates for the State of Maine. During that time, I'll be working on my next book. It's called Burglary for Dumbasses, Don't Leave Footprints in the Snow. That soon-to-be-bestselling treatise will be followed by another winner entitled Public Defenders for Dumbasses. 

(hat tip

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Old Dumbass Greeter at Wal Mart Robs Wal Mart!

This is NOT George
I like Old People. Hell, I am almost an Old People myself. Old Farts have a lot to offer those around them. They didn't get to be Old People by being stoopid. But sometimes when People get to be Old People they transform into Old Stoopid People. Take, for instance, George Plane, Jr. of Statesville, North Carolina. George was just a nice Old Man working as a greeter at the local WalMart when Satan took over his Soul. At this point George went from Nice Old Man to Nice Old Man Who Is Now a Dumbass Felon. Let me splain.

George was doing his duty as a WalMart greeter making shoppers feel welcomed when he left his post and went outside to his car. While there, George put on a disguise and went back into the store. He hauled ass (as much an 83 year old man can haul ass) to the Garden Department and pulled out a pistol! George pointed the gun at a Garden Department employee and demanded all the cash in the register. During this felonious assault, George the Old Dumbass Felon fired a shot into the air. A couple of things here. I'm thinking that a gun shot inside the WalMart might garner some attention. But that's just me. Second, and more important, an 83 year old man in a disguise just might strike some people as odd. For God's sake, did this Old Felonious Dumbass really think that nobody would recognize him? 83 year old dudes in some weird get up are not what you'd expect to see at the local WalMart store. I'm thinkin' that George stood out like a guy in a white sheet and a pointed hat at an NAACP rally. I'm just sayin'. Dumbass.

George got the cash from the register, then used his walker to make a bee line for his car and make good his escape. But, George didn't make it far when he was stopped by the cops for Driving While Not Able to See Over the Steering Wheel and armed robbery, but mostly armed robbery. Upon arresting George, one of the cops said (I am not making mthis up), "He appeared to be in good shape". Except for the fact that he was eaten up with the dumbass!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

A Dumbass With $500 Wants an iPhone, Instead Gets Robbed at Gunpoint!

Favorite Phone of Dumbasses Everywhere
The internet is a great thing. You can shop, pay bills, find information on almost anything, even find a spouse. However, with all this electronic convenience comes plenty of electronic danger - stolen IDs, credit card fraud, prostitution, even death. Having said all that, the World Wide Web is an incredible tool, with the benefits of it far outweighing its downside. I would think that any almost sane person would know and recognize the warning signs of a bad thing on the net. Still, there are dumbasses who put themselves in situations that could lead to bad things happening to them.

You just know that I am going somewhere with this, don't you? There's this dumbass out in California (but, I repeat myself) who found an iPhone for sale on Craigslist and set up a meeting with the seller. The meeting was, get ready for this, to be held behind a Carl's Jr'! This is one of those bad things I mentioned up there^^^ Did I tell you that the dumbass had $500 cash money on him to purchase the iPhone with? Yep. Let us go over this situation again. Dumbass finds iPhone for sale on Craigslist. Dumbass has $500 cash to purchase iPhone with. Dumbass also sets a meeting with the iPhone seller behind Carl's Jr. What could possibly go wrong? If you said the "seller" of the iPhone pulls a semiautomatic pistol and robbed the dumbass with $500, you win a Dinky Button. The Police were as dumbfounded as anybody about this crime. A cop from the local PD said, "Broad daylight in a public place -- you really can't ask for anything more than that," the cop said. "This is so new, we don't really have guidelines on it," he said of criminals using online sales to lure victims. "Just be careful." The cop actually said this with a straight face. He saved the side-busting laughter for later when there were no reporters around.

Just be careful indeed. Here are some tips from Dumbass News that you should follow when making a face to face transaction with someone on the internet: Rule 1) Schedule the meeting to be in a public place like inside the Carl's Jr. Better yet follow Rule 2) Get a fucking PayPal account! They are FREE to set up and you'll avoid a lot of hassles that could lead to, let's say, armed robbery! Dumbass. Rule 3) Go to Best Buy or some other retailer. You can buy an iPhone there and even set up serivce with a major tele-electronics place, like Verizon or AT&T for $500 and they won't even pull a semiautomatic pistol on you. Dumbass.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Dumbass Pisses On Chicken in Kroger Store!

Yard Bird
Grocery shoppers in Little Rock BEWARE! There's a guy who could be in your local Kroger store pissing all over the Pilgrim's Pride or Tyson chicken! What this dumbass has in mind by pissing on the chicken, I don't know. But, I am relieved to know that he bypassed the T-bone steaks. If the dude had peed on the T-bones, I would become a vegetarian on the spot. Pissing on the yard bird, not so much. Anyway...

This dumbass went to a Kroger store (Kroger is a large grocery store company - ed.) in Little Rock as decided that he would "marinate" the yard birds with his tinkle. I know you'll find this difficult to believe, but the dumbass was drunk! The Little Rock police got a call from Kroger's saying that a man was being "verbally aggressive" with some of the employees. But, before the Law could get there the dumbass peed on over $500 worth of chicken. He also ate a large package of ham. I happen to know that the good people of Little Rock love their hogs, ooooooooooohhhhhhh pig soooooooo-eeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy! A little football lingo there.

So...the dumbass pisses on over $500 worth of chicken, eats a large package of ham and gets verbally aggressive with store employees. Enter the LRPD who quickly subdue the drunk dumbass and prepare to haul his ass to jail. Upon confronting the dumbass suspect, the police made this brilliant observation, "he was reported by officers to have been unsteady on his feet, smelled of alcohol and had bloodshot eyes when they arrived on the scene." What was their first clue? The cops left out the fact that the dumbass smelled of pig. Our dumbass was "charged with public intoxication, theft of property, and criminal mischief." Criminal mischief? Does that mean he pissed all over the chicken? I really got nothin' today, but I do hope that pissing on the yard bird isn't one of the "special seasonings" in KFC. If it is, the dumbass and I gotta have a loooooooooonnnngggg talk. Not only is he pissing on my chicken, he's breathing my air. Dumbass.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

My First Live "Dumbass Alert" - December 15, 2010

This is a first for Dumbass News! A Live Dumbass Alert is being issued for South Central Maine. This Dumbass Alert  includes the Greater Augusta Area.We normally go online to look up all the Dumbass News that you read here, the news that so-called "news organizations" are too pussyfied to bring to you. However, a short time ago, a Dumbass News-worthy event took place about 50 yards from my front door. Here's my exclusive report:

I got a call from a neighbor, who lives just across the way from us, on the Dumbass News Hotline about a breaking Dumbass News story. My neighbor, Tracie who shall remain nameless was the first dumbass on the scene, as this event took place about 25 feet from her back porch. Tracie My neighbor, despite being a dumbass, had the presence of mind to call me, The Head Dumbass at Dumbass News, with the first details from the scene of the dumbassery. I'd paraphrase what Tracie my neighbor had to say, but she's a dumbass with a speech impediment and this is all I could make out, "oaocjappewf c nj/ACnv';" I'm a little rusty when it comes to Dumbass, Spanish I know, Dumbass, I am learning, and this what I could gather: "Some stupid fuck dumbass just came around the "S" turn by the pre-school on an icy and snowy road, and bought it in the culvert behind my apartment".

Looking Out Tracie's My Neighbors Back Door
Sure enough, I went over to the scene of the dumbassery and there was a small gold car perched on the rock lining of the culvert, about two feet from being in a few feet of water. Since I am a Professional Dumbass, I took my camera with me to capture this dumbass moment in a photo to be used as an example of how NOT to drive on snowpacked roads. If you look at the driver's side front door closely, in the photo above,you'll see the reflection of a light. In the photo below, you'll see that that reflection is coming from the cruiser of one of Augusta's Finest. What you can't see is the dumbass who pulled this little stunt is a passenger in the back seat of the squad car. bwahahahahahaahahahahaha

Thankfully, nobody was hurt in this accident and the dumbass driver will have a nice Christmas story to tell his dumbass grand kids some day. But the most important thing the dumbass can cherish and brag about until the day he dies, is that he was once the Dumbass of the Day!
Missed it by that much!
(dumbass hat tip to Tracie my nameless neighbor)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

I'll Take "Boinking" for $63,000, Alex

Marriage is a Sacrament  that bonds a man and a woman together forever, in body and in spirit, a union that is Holy as ordained by God. Getting to the alter sometimes proves, shall we say, to be problematic. Especially if the dumbass groom has a bachelor party and he bumps uglies with a woman he met there. It's even worse when the bride-to-be finds out about the groom-to-be's "indiscretion". And to make matters even worse, if that's possible at this point, the jilted woman is an attorney. Complicating things even more is the fact that the dumbass groom-to-be is a lawyer, too!

The Mrs. Dumbass-to-be was scorned and hell hath no fury and all that. It goes without saying that Mrs. Almost a Dumbass called off the wedding because the groom couldn't keep his thang in his pants. Now the spurned bride has filed a lawsuit against the dumbass groom to the tune of 63 Large. From the UPI story we find out, "The suit, which alleges breach of the promise to marry and intentional infliction of emotional distress, is seeking reimbursement totaling $62,814 for expenses including the wedding dress, bridesmaid's dresses, wedding invitations, a band reservation and non-refundable plane tickets and hotel reservations for a honeymoon in Bora Bora." What the hell was this dumbass thinking? Bumping uglies with some chick at your bachelor party is about as dumbass as a groom-to-be can get. It also tends to piss off the bride. And that ain't good. Especially when she's a lawyer. By the way, the boinkee in this saga said she had no idea that the dumbass was involved with anyone. I guess the fact that it was a bachelor party and that there was a wedding coming up was a little above this broad's head. Dumbass.

I have absolutely no sympathy for the dumbass groom. He's an idjit. Dude, if you're gonna nail some broad at your own bachelor party, make sure she's a stripper or something, and the boinking is cheap and superficial at best. However, the sure fire way to avoid a situation like this is to keep your penis in your pants! The penis, and $63,000 you save may be your own. Dumbass.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Motel 6 and the Midget

Light Not Left On
Nobody is immune to doing something stupid once in a while. Not me, you or anybody we know. Some people, however, do stupid shit on a regular basis because they are stupid and they know nothing else but being stupid. In such cases, the person is a dumbass.

When I do a Dumbass News story, I try to take into account various aspects of the story and whether or not it is Dumbass News worthy. I consider whether or not the incident in the story is just plain old bad luck or being at the right place at the wrong time. Bad luck and bad timing do not a dumbass make....most of the time.

The dumbass in this story was definitely at the  right place at the wrong time, which would normally not be sufficient evidence to declare him a dumbass. But, the dude took right place, wrong time to a previously unheard of level. And by that, I mean he got into a hole and kept digging, with one foot on a banana peel and his head up his ass.

The dumbass in question was staying in a Motel 6 in Spartanburg, South Carolina when the phone in his room rang. An unknown male was the caller and he promptly told the dumbass that there were hidden cameras in the motel room and he was to destroy the television and mirrors in the room so he could disable the "hidden cameras". Our dumbass dutifully did as he was told by a total stranger on the phone! This is only half the dumbassery, there was more to unfold. Next, the caller instructed the dumbass to break into the room next door and FREE A TRAPPED MIDGET! Surely, our hero would realize that at this point, he was being pranked. But no! With the aid of aid of a wrench, the dumbass broke through the wall leading to the room next door. That's when the cops showed up. The ending of this story is different than what you might expect.

Despite having done a few thousand dollars worth of damage to his motel room, the dumbass was not charged with any crimes, he was simply asked to leave the Motel 6 and they will not leave the light on for him.


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Una Siesta No Es Bueno for El Dumbass-o

15 Strikes and you Live Here for Free
One of the cool things about writing on a blog like this is that dumbass never takes a vacation. I mean, how can it? There are over six billion people in this world, so odds are that there should be a few practicing dumbasses. I wish Vegas gave odds like that. For our dive into the dumpster of dumbassery today, we travel to that tropical paradise of Malaysia. A man in the city of Sungnai Nibong, which in Malaysian means "City of Dumbasses", broke into a house while the owners were away. He ransacked the home and gathered up $3000 worth of loot. At this point, a non-dumbass burglar would have left the scene of the crime immediately, but this dumbass is not your ordinary burglar. Or your ordinary dumbass. Instead of robbing the home and leaving, this guy decides to... Take a nap! This gets better. While our sleeping beauty was taking his siesta, the homeowners returned to the house to find a strange car parked in the driveway. The dumbass burglar's car! Upon entering their home, the owners found the dumbass crook asleep in their son's room! The suspect woke up when he was discovered and fled the scene through a bedroom window and was apprehended a short time later. It's not a surprise that this idiot would find trouble. He has fourteen previous convictions for various criminal and drug offenses. Who'd a thunk it? Drugs? This dumbass? To my way of thinking, the bigger dumbasses in regards to this man are the stupid fuckers in the justice system responsible for not putting the dipshit in jail and giving the key the old heave ho. Oh, well...such is life. My advice to any future dumbass crooks out there is : next time you feel the need to break and enter and get the urge to sleep before eluding the authorities, DON'T! Or you, too, could be only fourteen more strikes away from actually going to jail. Dumbass.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Dumbass Baggage Handler Gets Trapped in Jet's Cargo Hold

Dumbasses at Work or
Oh, boy, do we have a good dumbass story today! And it's another dumbass on the plane story! A few days ago we posted this story on a pilot who fell asleep at the controls of a passenger jet. What you are about to read isn't quite that stoopid, but it's certainly a close second. Let me splain.

You've all sen the guys who put your luggage in the cargo hold of a jet. They have their little cart with all the suitcases on it and they (the baggage handlers) are charged with taking the luggage of the cart and onto the waiting plane. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong you are turbulance breath! Recently at one of the airports in Washington, D.C., the luggage guys put all the suitcases and something else on the plane. By "something else" I mean a baggage handler"! What could possibly go wrong? This little incident begs the question, "How the hell can you put a guy in the cargo hold of a jet liner and not notice that something was amiss? I don't know either, but the dumbasses at the Washington, D.C. airport evidently have it down to a science. Another question. Why in the name of all that is Holy was the guy so far inside the cargo hold that nobody could see him? Was the dumbass smoking a joint in there? Was he getting ready to take a nap? Or is he just a dumbass? I think you know my answer to that question.

Anyway, passengers on the jet heard some sounds coming from beaneath the floor of the passenger compartment of the plane and wisely alerted a stewardess, who then notified the Captain who then notified the ground crew that there was a dumbass in the cargo hold of the jet. Another small detail to this story is that the dumbass in the cargo hold is the guy who was supposed to drive the tractor-looking thing that pushes the jet into a position on the tarmac so it can taxi on the runway and  take off to its destination! Thanks to the alert passengers, the dumbass tractor-looking thing driver and luggage handler was freed from the cargo hold unharmed and he went on to push the plane from the gate and send it on its merry way.

After almost a full two minutes of thinking, I have determined that this event could be made into a little game that luggage handlers in airports all across the country play with their fellow luggage handling dumbasses. The object of the game would be to lock a luggage guy in the cargo hold of the plane then guess where he will end up when the plane reaches its destination! Of course, everybody would have to place a little money in a pot to be held in a secure place until the dumbass in the cargo hold calls and says, "Thanks, guys! I ended up in Honolulu! And fuck you all I ain't coming back!" The fellow luggage dumbass who guessed closet to the actual place the stowaway landed would win the pot! Doesn't that sound like fun? Don't be surprised when this game of "Hide the Dumbass in the Cargo Hold" is a smash hit with luggage guys in airports nationwide! Dumbasses.

Monday, May 16, 2011

911 and Beer Delivery - Mutually Beneficial

I live in New England. The six states that comprise New England are Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts. It's a great place to live if you throw out places like Connecticut. Why Connecticut and not, say, Maine? There is one major difference between the two states - Maine sells liquor on Sundays and in Connecticut, you can't even stop by a 7-11 and buy a six pack on Sunday! That's Communism pure and simple. "But, Toby!", you protest. "You don't even drink, so what's the big deal?" Well, here's your answer, smartypants. It's un-American! It's every American drunk's right to be able to spend part of the Sabbath drinking the adult beverage of his choice! It says so right in the Constitution of the United States! Or somewhere. No alcohol sales on Sunday lowers the Former Professional Drinker Rating of any state - like New Mexico, no alcohol sales on Sunday. At least when I lived in New Mexico, it was a short trip to Texas get get some beer. Or Colorado - they sell on 3.2 beer on Sundays in Colorado. Have you ever tasted 3.2 beer? I highly advise against it. Be prepared and buy your Sunday NFL Game beer on Saturday if you live in Colorado. Unless you live in extreme southeastern Colorado, it's too far too go to Texas to get a case of barley pop on Sunday. No package sales of booze on Sunday qualifies Connecticut as a Dumbass State. Why, such no alcohol sales on Sunday encourage criminal behavior! I can prove it.
"A 6 pack of Budweiser to 111 Main Street? Help is on the way."
There's a nice Senior Citizen Drunk, in other words, an Old Lush, living in Bridgeport, Connecticut who has been driven - driven, I say! - to a life of petty crime so he can get hammered on the Lord's Day. This dumbass Senior Citizen Drunk did what any self-respecting alcoholic would do when he ran out of beer on a recent Sunday. What did the drunk dumbass do? He called 911! Not once, but three times! This old dumbass was doing some serious Jonesin' for a Pabst Blue Ribbon. To his credit, however, he did offer to pay the Police to do a quick beer run for him, even though beer is not sold on Sunday in Communist Connecticut. That was the fatal flaw in his plan. That and calling 911 to deliver the suds to his house. See? I told you that no alcohol sales on Sunday would create criminal behavior in drunks all across the state. And since the cops wouldn't deliver it if they could, they (the cops) are relegated to answering calls about stoopid stuff like shootings and robberies. What a crock of shit that is. To protect and serve indeed!

I have a solution to this most urgent of problems that satisfies thirsty drunks and liquor store owners alike. Connecticut is a very small state, so delivery of booze to the needy drunk should be considered by capitalist pigs in border cities in neighboring states, as distance isn't really an issue. Maybe some enterprising booze vendor in a surrounding state could set up a Drunks R Us delivery kind of deal. He'd make a ton of money, create new jobs and thus would increase tax revenue for his home state! As an added bonus, the booze delivery guys would spend more money on gasoline, thereby helping out another business person at the same time! That would then piss off the Climate Change Dickweeds who would belch and spew snot everywhere because of the added CO2 released into the environment. And what would Pissed Off Climate Change Dickweeds need in order to throw a first rate protest? Signs! Enter the local sign making guy who can also profit from this ingenious idea. Trickle down economics, baby! This deal is so simple even a first grader could have figgered it out. But, then again, I know very few first graders that like beer. Sure, there are some kinks to be worked out, but this idea is absolutely brilliant! Oh, yeah...and such nuisance 911 calls from drunk dumbasses would be all but eliminated. Except for the lushes from Bridgeport. But that's another story for another day.


Dumbass Newspaper Headlines Return!

It's Monday and time for some fun, so let's traverse the country east to west and north to south in search of stupid newspaper headlines! And where else on God's Green Earth can you find more stupid shit than on Dumbass News? Nowhere, that's where? In that Good Ole Dumbass Tradition, let's get to those headlines from Hell! Remember, these are actual newspaper headlines from actual newspapers in the actual USA.

Headline: 5th-Graders Get to Grill Lions (Detroit Free Press, Friday Jan 27, 2006)
DN: I hear it tastes like chicken.

Headline: Autos killing 110 a Day; Let's Resolve to do Better
DN: Hell yeah! Bring on a big, gas guzzlin' Hummer or something and get to frakkin' mowing down some people! Dumbasses.

Headline: Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad she Hasn't Seen in Years
DN: What would the headline be if she was deaf? "Deaf Woman Gets Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Heard from in Years"? Maroons.

Headline: Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday
DN: No shit, Sherlock! Rot in Hell. Dumbass.

Headline: Dr. Ruth to Talk about Sex with Newspaper Editors
DN: When told of this little encounter, the editors said,  "What???!!!"

Headline: Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
DN: In Oklahoma, that's called "Tough Love". I'm just sayin'.

And last but not least...

Headline: Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
DN: In Texas, that's  called "Tough Love".

It's so comforting to know that we have the best and brightest from the most prestigious journalism schools in the United States manning our press these days. I could go to the local high school (Go Rams!) and pick out ten kids at random to put out a better product than the Liberal dickweeds running newspapers today. Dumbasses.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Don't Piss Off Lady Who Has to Pee

Supper & a Deadly Weapon
For those of you who are newcomers to Dumbass News, you may not know that I am a fisherman and a damn good one, too. Fish.Fear.Me. So, when a story is Dumbass News- worthy, I jump on that sucker like a duck on a June bug. And guess what? I found a fishing story that is Dumbass News-worthy!

In the winter, many residents of the northern half of the country don't let frozen streams and lakes deter them from getting in a little fishing. They just get an auger and drill a hole into the iced up body of water, drop a line in that sucker and get after it.  Such is the case of a woman and two men who were recently ice fishing. One of the Cardinal sins of fishing is to not invade another fisherman's space by fishing in the immediate area he is fishing in or to fish too closely to him. It's just common courtesy, but if that rule is broken, it could led to unpleasant  consequences like a shouting match, fisticuffs or worse. Like being assaulted with a trout. What???!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if you fish too close to another fisherman, he/she just might slap you upside the head with a fish. Fishermen are a serious bunch about their fishing hole being intruded upon. For example, a lady in Michigan was ice fishing when she felt her fishing hole was intruded upon by two men. This is where the dumbassery begins. The lady walked over to the men and asked them to turn their heads while she tinkled on the ice. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go and when you're fishing, the world is your outhouse. Not that I would personally know these things <coughbullshitcough>, but when Nature calls, you've got to do something. But, I digress. The lady tells these two guys she's gotta pee. The guys turned around as the dumbass lady requested, then she goes full tilt boogie bat shit crazy and smacks the two guys about the head and shoulders and the upper extremities of their bodies with a fish! I told you that fishermen are a serious bunch when it comes to "protecting" their fishing spot.

The cops were called and it was determined that the dumbass fishing lady was pissed off because, in her opinion, the two guys had put their shanty (portable ice fishing hut) too close to hers and she felt that a flagrant fishing felony was within the unwritten laws of fishing, so she bashed them with a bass. There's a small matter that we haven't discussed yet. We know that the two guys called the the fuzz and after being pummeled by a pissed off piscatorial perpetrator, these two dumbasses refused to press charges! Holy mackerel! What a couple of pansies.

I wanted to come up with a witty ending to this post, but I am drawing a blank. All I can say is that when you go fishing, be a good sport and don't fish too close to the other guy. It's really rude and
some folks, like the dumbass lady in the story, get a touch peeved when that happens. Besides, you never know if the other guy is packing a concealed catfish and he's willing to use it. I'm just sayin'. Dumbasses.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Young Dumbasses on the Rampage !!!

Starting Point for Young Dumbasses
I am happy to help out a trio of young men to realize their potential as young dumbasses. They certainly have an impressive starting point upon which to build a foundation of their lifes' dreams. Because of this, these fine young men will soon be world renown dumbasses. Their legacy will be one of the stuff of dumbass legend. Let me splain.

These three young dumbasses thought that they needed to have some fun. So, did they go to a movie? No. Did they go to one of their homes and play video games? Nope. They thought it necessary to break into an elementary school and have some young dumbass fun. Young dumbass fun includes "causing over $50,000 worth of damage to the school, including broken windows and destroyed lockers. They broke into the school office and pulled all the school records out of the file drawers and ran them through the paper shredder. Determined to do as much damage as possible, they started piling trash in the middle of the floor, along with the contents of all the desk and file drawers." Then the real strong dumbass fun took place. "“When they got bored with trashing the place, they played with the copy machine, taking prints of their backsides and faces. Being the neat and tidy boys they were, they kept the copies they liked and threw the ones they didn’t like into a nearby trash can. The sheriff looked in the trash cans the next morning and found perfect mug shots of each of the boys involved.”

It's so nice to see that our young people are so ambitious and are so willing to show that when you do something, it's worth doing right. A for effort. D for dumbass.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Of Homeless Dumbasses and Stenographers

I have a soft spot in my heart for homeless people. Why? It will certainly surprise many people who have known me for damn near 40 years, that at one time I was homeless also. in Wisconsin. In the winter. It was not fun. (It's a long, personal story, so please don't ask). I do not, however, have a soft spot for homeless people who are thieves. Fuck those dumbasses. I made it through my ordeal without stealing a damn thing, so I have no use for those who do. Again, fuck 'em. Take, for instance this dumbass in Philadelphia named Rica Hughes.

Our man Rica was homeless in Philly and he needed money, so he went out and stole a couple of stenograph machines from City Hall! It's not like they have surveillance cameras at Philadelphia City Hall or anything. Dumbass. Each of these stenograph machines is worth about 5 large. That's $10,000 worth of dumbass, folks. One would expect at this point that Rica, which is a pussy name anyway, would pawn them or try to sell them to another dumbass for some cheap beer or MD 20/20 money. Rica, the dumbass with the girly name, took the machines to a social worker and left them with him/her. An act of contrition? Maybe. An act of dumbass? Definitely. Although he turned the machines back in, he kept the case one of them came in as a homeless guy suitcase!

I have good news to report about Rica. He is no longer homeless! He was busted and has found a nice cozy cell in the Philadelphia City Jail facing a couple of felony charges that will keep him housed for years to come. Without stenographers. Dumbass.

Dinky the Dumbass Nekkid Marathoner!

Dinky's Measuring Stick
A quick check of the Dumbass News archives shows that I have run exactly one post about tasers. That story was about a cop tasing a female fellow cop's ass while at the Police Station. We have another taser story today where the cops tase a nekkid guy in a marathon.

I am not making this up. Let me splain. In Cincinnati, they were holding the Cincinnati Flying Pig Marathon when a nekkid dumbass joined in on the fun. The crowd may have been amused, but the Police were not. (side note: what a Dumbass name for a marathon. And I say that with love in my heart. It's great!)  Now back to your regularly scheduled "Nekkid Dumbass Crashes Flying Pig Marathon" blog post. Anyway, the nude dumbass, in all his glory was ordered by the heat to stop running and get into a squad car or he would be tased. He did not comply with this lawful order, so the local fuzz (pun intended) tasered the numb nuts (pun intended again). "Dinky", as the crowd called him, (OK, I made that part up), immediately fell flat on his gazebos and the attendant appendage that accompanies a man's gazebos. FYI, Dinky the Nekkid Dumbass was not a registered participant in the race. Not only did he expose his gazebos to all those in attendance, but he failed to pay the required entry fee for the marathon! This is unacceptable! If you are gonna try to run nude in a big foot race, at least pay the fucking fee, dumbass! Oh, yeah...and wear some fucking clothes! Nobody wants to see your teenie weenies or plumber-lookin' ass running for 10 feet much less 26 miles and some change. have you no decency (or real gazebos), Sir?

Dinky was arrested for being nekkid in public and some other silly shit and hauled off to jail. His trial is forthcoming and I simply hope that he will not be exonerated because of lack of evidence or it fails to stand up in Court. C'mon, you had to know that was coming (pun not intended). Dumbass.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

That's How I Make My Money

Herb Superb
Today's story is about a Dumbass Drug Dealer, or DDD. Cody, the DDD, lives in McDonough, Georgia and ekes out a living by selling pot. Well, he used to, now he makes a living avoiding big, burly, horny men in jail. Not long ago the Henry County Sheriff's Office got a phone call about a couple of suspicious men out in the woods. The fuzz responded to the call and sure enough there was Cody the DDD and a friend of his along with a 4 wheeler. the cop approached Cody the DDD and his buddy asked them "what the hell are you dumbfucks doing?" Cody the DDD replied by saying that they were working on the 4 wheeler. The cop noticed a strong odor of marijuana and became even more suspicious when he saw a handgun. The cop then asked Cody the DDD " if he had been smoking the substance and the suspect "answered, 'Yes.'"
"The handgun turned out to be a BB gun ... . He threw something in the woods," Militello said. He said he found a plastic bag with suspected marijuana inside on Kinney's person and asked him what the substance was.

It's at this point that Cody crosses the line between regular dumbassery into "Holy shit! What a dumbass!" land. Remember, the cop just asked Cody what was in the baggie and (You can't make this shit up), "He replied, 'That's how I make my money,'"

That bit of witty repartee earned Cody the DDD a corner cell at the Henry County Hilton. Though I have never been arrested for possession of marijuana, I can say with certainty that telling the local constabulary that you make your living selling pot is not the way to get to go home to sleep in your own comfy bed. But, that's just me. Instead, Cody the Holy Shit! What a Dumbass! will be enjoying the cozy confines of the State of Georgia Prison System. And Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams will be enjoying Cody's ass. Holy shit! What a dumbass! :)

***Picture courtesy of

Monday, May 9, 2011

Blogging Emperor Needs Help

It's a New Category  :)
I am a proud man. Despite the circumstances of life that have, at times, beat me down, I have always been able to fight back and kick ass and take names. I can no longer do that so easily. The time has come for me to put my pride aside and do something that I never wanted nor expected to do. I am going to ask you, the reader, to consider making a donation to my PayPal Account. It's safe and secure and I use them myself and I don't take online security lightly. In my opinion, PayPal keeps your information safe and secure. I hope that allays any concerns you might have.

Here's the Deal: First off, let me tell you that I expect no sympathy nor do I ask for any. I am simply asking you to consider making a donation because I have worked  very hard to make my blogs better each day. True, my readership has grown by leaps and bounds, but that doesn't necessarily translate into any income for me. I understand that that's the way blogging is, so I am not blind nor ignorant to such facts. I do my blogs for fun but with the idea of making a little money, too. So far, I have readers in at 97 countries, but as of this point, no cash flow. Many small independent bloggers experience this type of situation, so what am I doing is not out of line, it's just humbling and embarrassing. However, I have to swallow my pride and present to you the facts about my current situation and you can make your decision.

Here's the Deal, Part II: If you've made it this far, thank you for sticking with me. My lifestyle has dramatically changed over the last year or so. I have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia and each has gotten progressively worse. I am able to walk (just barely), but I'm sure I'll need a wheelchair or something to get around very soon. It's hard for me dress myself and sometimes  my wife has to help me tie my shoes. Worse yet, soon I won't be able to walk a creek bank where Fish.Fear.Me. I can't play with my 4 year old little girl like a "normal" Daddy and that hurts me worse than anything. Hell, it hurts like a son of a bitch just to sit here and type this post. I go on, but I think you get the idea.

If your able to throw in a couple of bucks, just click on the PayPal Donate button in the right sidebar and you'll be prompted to so what needs to be done from there. Let me remind that I am simply asking for a little help, but if you wanna hit the Tip Jar with enough to buy a new bass boat, that's cool too. LOL

I am grateful for each one of you and whether or not you hit the Tip Jar will in no way affect my sincere appreciation for your continuing readership. Besides, I wouldn't know who donated what anyway.

Thank you for helping my dream of the TexNetMaine Blogging Empire getting closer, day by day, to becoming  player in the blogosphere. Without you, I would be an awful lonely voice way out there in the ether.

Thank you,
Toby, CEO and a Bunch of Other Letters That are Meant to Be Impressive, but I am simply The Head Dumbass of the TexNetMaine Blogging Empire

Bad, Bad Mojo for a Dumbass

Hold on tight, Jody.***
Let me warn you up front, there is going to be some very vulgar language in this post. Short of taking the Lord's name in vain, the subject of this post is infinitely more vile and disgusting than any colloquialism or "colorful metaphor" that I could conjure up. If you've got the balls to read on, please do. If not, tough shit. I don't say that to insult you. If you read on, you'll be as spark-spittin' mad as I am. Today is only the third day of 2011 and if I come across another post this year that even comes near the level of making me want to puke that this one does, I'll sing 'Boomer Sooner", naked in downtown Norman, Oklahoma and give you an hour to draw a crowd.

Let the verbal barbecue and emasculation of Jody Bennett begin in earnest. Jody Bennett is a dumbass. A major league, certified, undeniable dumbass. And then some. Why would I say such things about Jody? Because it's true. Want proof? OK. Prepare to be ass kickin' mad. Jody was attending the wake for 17 year old Bradley McCombs, a friend of the Bennett family. Bradley, like millions of other 17 year olds around the world, loved to play video games. So much so that when he was tragically killed in a Christmas morning car accident and subsequently prepared for burial, his beloved Game Boy was put in the coffin with Bradley, to be buried with him. Enter Jody Bennett. This piece of possum shit, who is 37 years old by the way, stole the Game Boy from the dead kid's casket! Are you mad yet? I am just getting warmed up. Bradley's uncle saw Bennett steal the Game Boy and confronted him outside the funeral home and Bennett returned the Game Boy. The police were called and Bennett was carted off to the Indiana County, Montgomery Township, Pennsylvania jail, where there is, hopefully, a close relative of Leon 'Hung Like A Horse" Williams incarcerated as well. Hey, Jody, learn to squeal real good, boy. Even really bad men don't like dumbasses who steal from the their wake especially! Jody Bennett, future prison bitch, has been charged with theft, desecration of a venerated object and abuse of a corpse. I'm confident that the charge of being a lower than worm shit dumbass will be added to the others.

You think that Jody's fucked up? Check out what his mother had to say about the incident. She apologized to the McCombs family and said she suspects the theft was a result of her son's alcohol and drug problem. She said she had also lost a son in a car crash 12 years ago."It just makes me heartsick for the family because I know how I would feel," she told the AP. "I never thought he would stoop that low." So Jody is a victim. because he drinks and does drugs? Listen to me lady. I have drunk enough alcohol to float the State of Pennsylvania. And I am not proud to say that short of using needles, I have partaken of some fine narcotics in my lifetime. I can honestly say, that despite my knack for "having fun" or better yet, being a dumbass, not one single, solitary time that I was blasted out of my mind, did I ever steal a damn dime from anybody, MUCH LESS THE DEAD! Fuck your lowlife knob-gobbler of a son. That bastard deserves a fate befitting the indignity he has heaped upon a dead 17 year old boy, his grieving family and most importantly, God Himself. If that sissy ass punk was in Texas, which I wish he was, he would have to send his soul to Heaven because his ass would be mine. I hope that Jody the Jackoff suffers anguish for the rest of the miserable life that he has left. God will be far more lenient than I on the dumbass cock sucker, and he's damn lucky that that is the case.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go rinse my eyes out with bleach because they were dirtied by the sight of the name Jody Bennett, a man who gives dumbasses a bad name. Fucking vermin. Have a nice day.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

And then There Are Dumbass Moms...

Hello. My name is Toby and I like Reality TV. There! I said it! I am finally free of living a double life. Yes, friends, I am not who I appear to be. You know me as a New Media Stalwart, a pioneer in the study of dumbassery, a blogging man amongst blogging boys during the day, but at night I, too, am a dumbass. I watch some of the most vile and demeaning shows on TV. And I love it! I can't help it. When Ron on Lizard Lick Towing goes out to repo some poor dumbass' car and gets smashed on the head with a Natural Light Ice beer bottle, I can't help but get a thrill from his misfortune. The Germans have a word for that - schadenfreude - taking pleasure in somebody else's misfortune. Please save me from this torment!

In the meantime, I have a Reality TV scoop for you today. Jennelle, one of the young ladies who was featured in the MTV Series Teen Mom 2, has found herself in trouble with the law for beating the dog shit out of another young lady. Why would Jennelle do such a thing? A little background first....Jennelle had a real prize of a baby daddy. The dumbass was a coke head, pot smoking, irresponsible loser, but so is Jennelle, except for the coke head part. Without going into great detail, she's a lousy mother who stole her mom's credit cards to take Coke Head Boy to New Jersey and ran up an $800 tab. Yes, I said New Jersey. I told you she was a dumhbass. Jennelle is such a fuck up she dumped her kid off on her mom and finally signed over custody to the mom. It's really a sad story when it comes to the little boy, who is about a year old. BTW, Grandma is a real peach, too, but she takes great care of the baby. Enough background.

Back on point, Jennelle beat the hell out of another young lady for allegedly committing the Cardinal sin of flirting with Jennelle's boyfriend! That's worth an ass-kickin' where I come from. <---that's sarcasm there. And believe it or not, <----that's more sarcasm, TMZ has a video  (WARNING: IT AIN'T PRETTY) of the beatdown. You can tell that Jennelle is still a trashy little hussy by her choice of friends, who in the video cheer her on  her to fight the other girl. While Jennelle is a dumbass little tramp, her friends are the dog shit on the bottom of your hiking boots - the worthless little bastards. See why this is such a smash hit TV show? There's already a third season on the way! And to think that I watch this shit. Before going any further, let me say that some of the young moms in the show turn out to be great moms with a lot of support from their families and friends, so it's not all bad. But, it's like the car wreck on the freeway, you'll rubberneck to see that sucker like it was the Second Coming. It's the Dumbass Gene in all of us. It's just that Jennelle was blessed with a Double Dose of the Dumbass Gene. Here's to hoping that she gets all her ducks in a row. Dumbass.

UPDATE: One of Jenelle's "friends" who was at the altercation, says that Jenelle was PAID after she and her pond scum "friends" sold the video for $45,000. More info can be found here. If true, further proof that Jennelle is a worthless waste of skin. For now, I'll refrain from being more "colorful" in calling her exactly what she appears to be.

UPDATE 2 : Selling price of video corrected to $45,000 not $5000 as previously stated. Sorry about that.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Dumbass Hole Wants to Snort Cobain's Ashess Thru BongZilla!

Dead Man's HoleDumbass Hole Want Snort
Courtney Love, the widow of  the rock group Nirvana's frontman, Kurt Cobain is a hole, pun intended. This bitch is batshit crazy. I'm sure you've heard of this no talent waste of skin before. For a while, it seemed like she was in the news about once a week, kind of like Lindsey Lohan is today. Now, The Hole is at it again, thanks to a guy writing a book about famous dead people. let me splain.

The author, Neil Strauss, was visiting with The Dumbass Hole when they walked up to a chest of drawers and she opened one of the drawers and pulled out a cookie tin-looking thing with some white powder in it. What was in the tin? Speed? No. Cocaine? Nope. Dead Dumbass Husband's Cremated Remains? Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! To be fair, maybe the Dumbass Hole was just going to share a respectful moment with Strauss and offer a glance of Cobain's ashes and tell a tender story of the man she was married to. Bwahahahahaha! No! She mentioned that she would like to snort some of the remains like it was coke or something! I am not making this shit up. Evidently, she got the idea from Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones who admitted that he snorted some of his late father's ashes. Well, hell, in that case let's all snort the cremated remains of the family member of our choosing! And let me tell you, Courtney love could not have picked a better role model to follow than Keith Richards! He's a drug-addled walking zombie and she's not much better. In fairness to the Dumbass Hole, she and Strauss did not follow through on her idea, but she ended the conversation about it by saying, "I'd like to though". Dear Sweet Jesus!

What in the Name of all that is Holy do these people smoke? Whatever it is, they need to 1) share it with all of us or 2) be institutionalized or 3) both 1 & 2. Maybe Ms. Love has changed her ways to become a better mom and citizen (I hope so) and this was just an isolated drug-induced idea. I'm willing to give he the benefit of the doubt this time, but that bitch is still batshit looney tunes. And a hole. She's still a hole. And Kurt Cobain is still dead and in a cookie tin instead of up his dipshit wife's far as we know. Dumbass.

(Hat tip to Heather the Wife and Aol News)

***Image from Stephen Lovekin, Getty Images)***

Doing a Rail of Dead Guy's Ashes - Hole Does It

Courtney Love, the widow of  the rock group Nirvana's frontman, Kurt Cobain is a hole, pun intended. This bitch is batshit crazy. I'm sure you've heard of this no talent waste of skin before. For a while, it seemed like she was in the news about once a week, kind of like Lindsey Lohan is today. Now, The Hole is at it again, thanks to a guy writing a book about famous dead people. let me splain.

The author, Neil Strauss, was visiting with The Dumbass Hole when they walked up to a chest of drawers and she opened one of the drawers and pulled out a cookie tin-looking thing with some white powder in it. What was in the tin? Speed? No. Cocaine? Nope. Dead Dumbass Husband's Cremated Remains? Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! To be fair, maybe the Dumbass Hole was just going to share a respectful moment with Strauss and offer a glance of Cobain's ashes and tell a tender story of the man she was married to. Bwahahahahaha! No! She mentioned that she would like to snort some of the remains like it was coke or something! I am not making this shit up. Evidently, she got the idea from Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones who admitted that he snorted some of his late father's ashes. Well, hell, in that case let's all snort the cremated remains of the family member of our choosing! And let me tell you, Courtney love could not have picked a better role model to follow than Keith Richards! He's a drug-addled walking zombie and she's not much better. In fairness to the Dumbass Hole, she and Strauss did not follow through on her idea, but she ended the conversation about it by saying, "I'd like to though". Dear Sweet Jesus!

What in the Name of all that is Holy do these people smoke? Whatever it is, they need to 1) share it with all of us or 2) be institutionalized or 3) both 1 & 2. Maybe Ms. Love has changed her ways to become a better mom and citizen (I hope so) and this was just an isolated drug-induced idea. I'm willing to give he the benefit of the doubt this time, but that bitch is still batshit looney tunes. And a hole. She's still a hole. And Kurt Cobain is still dead and in a cookie tin instead of up his dipshit wife's far as we know. Dumbass.

(Hat tip to Heather the Wife and Aol News)

Thursday, May 5, 2011

River Consumes Man's Gazebos!

Many a man has lost his gazebos in this river
Let's play Pick the Dumbass! Pick the Dumbass has been voted the Internet's Most Popular User Participation Game by dumbasses across the globe! The object of Pick the Dumbass is to read the story below, and decide which person in the story is the dumbass. Be careful though, there could be more than one dumbass in the story, but we are looking for the biggest dumbass in it. You also have the option of changing your dumbass pick at any time before I reveal the answer after the story. Ready to play? OK, heeeeeeere we go!

A couple, Judy and Adam, in Pittsburgh, PA recently exchanged their wedding vows while on a water taxi in the Monongahela River. That's kind of cool, don't you think? Speaking of cool, cool as in 37 degrees, the young couple then jumped into the 37 degree water of the Monongahela! This ceremony, diving included, was to symbolize taking the plunge together into the future. I'm no Sylvia Browne, so I'm not hip to seeing into the future, but I have a fairly solid grip on "now" and "now" tells me that we are dealing with two dumbasses here. No symbolism necessary. Our DumbassCicles took the dive as part of the Pittsburgh Polar Bear Club's Annual Freeze Your Gazebos Off Day By Jumping Into 37 Degree River Water Festival. I just hope the groom has Gazebo Insurance because after jumping into 37 degree water, the dude's gazebos said AMF! (Adios Mother F*cker) I hope his new bride is OK with the thought of not having children, because her Old Man ain't got a gazebo to call his own. Science tells me no gazebos, no procreation. What a dumbass. Did Mr. and Mrs. Ima Dumbass not even consider, oh, I don't know, jumping into a hot tub(!) instead of the damn near frozen river? Then again, we are talking about Pittsburgh here. I mean these people root for the Steelers for God's sake. If willingly getting married, jumping into an almost frozen river and rooting for the Steelers ain't doublin' down on the dumbass, I don't know what is.

That's our story for the day, ladies and gentlemen, and now it's time to figure out who's the biggest dumbass. Could it be Judy, the bride? After all, she did get married, but women like all that married stuf, so Judy isn't the dumbass of the story, even though she jumped into a freezer of a river. That brings us to Adam, what I said about Judy also applies to Adam. He, too, got married and jumped into the Monongahela risking his gazebos on the way, but he's not the biggest dumbass in the our tale today. OK, who's left to be the dumbass then? Me? I agree, I am a dumbass for writing this crap, but I ain't the biggest dumbass either. That leaves YOU because you read this tripe all the way through. Dumbass. And I say that with love.  :)

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

College Life: Booze, Bongs, Hookers and Petting Zoos!

Booze, Bongs & Hooker Student Liaison
Have you ever wondered how a place as beautiful as California could be inhabited by so many dumbasses? There are certain parts of the state, I'm looking at you, Bay Area, that are as infested with dumbasses as Congress is with crooks. That's saying something. I could link you to some stories from California that would curl your toenails. Then again, curled toenails are probably a fashion statement in California. But, I digress.

The state is in the economic crapper with no relief in sight and the dumbasses just elected Jerry Brown, Governor Moonbeam, to be their Governor again! Get your popcorn ready, this is gonna be good. Institutions of Higher Learning in California are turning out a bunch Socialist indoctrinated pussies to be the leaders of the future. Those poor people are doomed! The light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a freight train traveling at 100mph straight at them. It ain't gonna be pretty when it hits.

Back to the colleges turning out a bunch of pansies. You're gonna love this. This time of year at universities all across the country means term papers and final exams. This is a very stressful time for millions of college students. Leave it to a college in California to come up with a method of ridding these overwrought young people of all that stress. The solution? Petting zoos! I. Shit. You. Not.

Here's a piece of that story verbatim: "At the Claremont University Consortium in Southern California, as classes ended for the semester and a finals study period began, two fenced pens were set up on a campus lawn with bunnies in one and puppies in the other.

About 300 students took turns climbing into the pens and playing with the animals at the student-organized event.

Freshman Adam Griffith said he'd had only 7 hours of sleep over three days, finishing four papers for classes, and was glad of the chance to romp with the dogs.

"Stuff like this is a really, really good idea, especially since it doesn't take too much time," Griffith, 18, said. "I appreciate seeing that from the faculty and staff, acknowledging that we are under stress." 

When I read that dumbass pablum, I wanted to cut out my eyeballs with a paring knife. Bunnies and puppies? Are you fucking kidding me? This is a great idea for students....students in the First grade! No wonder the Golden State is all FUBAR'ed. If you want to "de-stress" a college kid, give him sex or booze! That's what college kids wants, you dumbasses! I am serious. Have a campus wide kegger with FREE BEER and order up a mess of non-union hookers and let nature take its course. This would also be a good way to get rid of all those free condoms you dipshits have stored in the Campus Clinic. Having said that, I am sure that some of the students would get bombed and start to "like" the bunnies and puppies, but that's another story for another day. Make this event BYOB - Bring Your Own Bong - and you've got a stress reliever of Soddam and Gammora proportions. Throw in a few Cheetos stands, sell pizza by the slice and you have generated more income in a few days as many third world countries, like New Jersey, do in a year. Do I have to tell you dumbasses everything? By the way, this would make a great time for Parents' Day on Campus also. Just sayin'.

I offer this advice free of charge this time, but if I have to remind you of it again, my consulting fee starts in six figures. But, just this once, I am waiving it, so your stressed out students can get drunk, stoned and laid. That's just how I roll. Dumbasses.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Dumbass Leaves "Business Card" at Crime Scene

Over the course of the lifetime of this blog, we've had at least a couple of stories featuring dumbasses with tattoos have had run ins with the law. One dumbass thought he had won a radio station contest and had the station's logo tattooed on his forehead. About a week ago we had another dumbass who committed a murder then had the facts of the killing tattooed all over his body! Today's dumbass has taken a similar path to the Dumbass Zone.

Our Dumbass of the Day and one of his dipshit criminal cohorts broke into a couple's home and in the process of the burglary, got into a struggle with the homeowner. The dumbass lost his t-shirt in the altercation and he and the dipshit got into their getaway car and split the scene. Enter the Police. Once at the crime scene, the cops found the t-shirt belonging to the dumbass and showed it to the homeowner. Printed on the shirt was...Wait. For. It....a picture of the dumbass! He robbed the home in a shirt with his own photo on it! bwahahahahaha! This guy has lowered the standard for dumbassery to a new low. What a fucking maroon! That's as stoopid as a lion tamer covered in raw T-bones. Ay ay ay! The dumbass turned himself in to Police a couple of days later.

This incident sets a terrible example for future dumbasses who feel a life of crime is their calling. Young dumbasses, don't be discouraged because one of your role models is a dumbass who practically left a business card at the scene of his misdeed. He's now well on the way to becoming a top notch member of the State Prison Drop the Soap Team. And to think, in just a few years, or a felony or two, that could be you! Now go out there and become a role model to the young generation looking up to you! But don't commit a crime in a shirt with your own photo plastered on it.


Monday, May 2, 2011

Drunk Dumbasses Try to Fake Out the Cops

Famous DUI Mugshot
Let's pretend for a minute. Let's say that you have just concluded a night of some serious alcoholic beverage intake and you decide to drive yourself and a friend home. First of all, after a rousing night of getting hammered, driving is the last of your options, dumbass. Don't do it!

There are, however, a couple of guys in Illinois who did a hard night of drinking, tried to drive home while blasted, got pulled over by the law then came up with a novel, if dumbass, way of avoiding the ol' DUI. When these two dumbasses were stopped by the police, the dumbass passenger in the car pulled out his cell phone, called 9-1-1 and reported gunshots outside a club very close to the DUI stop. This was a dumbass move. As the pasenger was reporting the "gunshots", the police dispatcher could hear the officer conducting the stop in the background and naturally became suspicious. Needless to say, this el fake-o call did not work. The driver was busted for driving under the influence and the dumbass passenger was popped for filing a false Police Report.

A message to the two bad guys: what the fuck were you thinking? Do they not have cabs in Illinois that take dumbasses home after they've had too much to drink? Another thing...did nobody at the club that served these guys past the point of inebriation not notice that they were loaded? Still, it's ultimately the responsibility of the guy behind the wheel while drunk to accept the consequences for his actions.

Luckily, no one was hurt during this incident and the two drunks will be out of commission for a while as they learn to become sober prison bitches and quite possibly former drunks.

Fucking dumbasses.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Lady Caught Stealing From Dead Boyfriend! !

For our Dumbass of the Day on this Thursday morning, we travel once again to the Sunshine State, where the sunshine is evidently rich in vitamin D - D for dumbass. A dumbass lady who lives in the Florida panhandle town of Milton, has been charged with Grand Theft after she wrote a check for $1000 from her boyfriend's bank account. Her DEAD boyfriend's bank account. Talk about your penalty for early withdrawal!

The dumbass bimbo who perpetrated this outrageous crime is named Teresa. Teresa's boyfriend died last February and being the dutiful "significant other" that she is, Teresa paid for the guy's funeral, some outstanding bills, property taxes and to get her car repaired. From his bank account! Not that the boyfriend was complaining, being dead and all, but Teresa , faithful gal that she was, took care of all these expenses to the tune of $23,470 with forged checks. Teresa may be dutiful and faithful, but, boy is she a dumbass. It was the aforementioned $1000 check that got her busted. When confronted by the police, Teresa told them that she was "so scatterbrained" that she accidently put an extra zero on the amount the check was written for. The cops, as you can imagine, had some doubts as to the veracity of her claims. In other words, one cop said to the other, "This is one dumbass woman". The other cop replied, "Yep" and they arrested Teresa for Grand Theft and being a dumbass without a license.

Maybe one of you Bible scholars out there can put me some knowledge. Ain't there a Commandment or something in the Good Book about stealing from the dead? If there's not, there ought to be. I think I'll have to get on the phone with the Pope later today and lay down the smack about robbing the dearly departed and what in the name of all that is Holy can we do about this kind of thing. Can we "create" a Special Place in Hell where you have to listen to Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber for eternity? Barring that, this dumbass broad could be given a job in Washington, D.C. as a salesperson for ObamaCare. Now that's a fate worse than death or The Joy Behar Show played on a continuous loop til the end of time. My advice to this pea brained amoeba is to seek salvation ASAP. Some fates are worse than death, Miley and Justin rolled into one, but NOTHING is worse than that Godless skank and all around vile bitch Joy Behar. NOTHING.
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