Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: October 2011 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Monday, October 31, 2011

Teacher Issues Bomb Threat for the Guacamole School!

The Fighting Avacados!
Last Tuesday I posted the first "Guide to Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work". I knew that I had covered only a few of millions of reasons to take a day off from your job. There's one excuse that'll blow you away when I reveal it to you. It's also a felony. Let me splain.

There's this private school in Denver named Escuela de Guadalupe, which is Meskin for "School of Guacamole". The Gucamole School employs a physical education teacher whose handle is Jennifer Gomes, which is Meskin for "Jennifer Gomes". Two weeks ago today, on October 17, Senorita Gomes decided that she wanted to take a day off of work and she came up with an utterly flawless idea, and by flawless I mean fucking stoopid, that would not only give her the much-deserved day off she wanted, but everybody (students, teachers, administrators, janitors) at the Guacamole School would get to stay home too! I know you're thinking, "how could a simple PE teacher accomplish something of such a grand scale?" You dumbass, what else could she do but call in a bomb threat! I.Am.Not.Making.This.Up. It is said that there is a fine line between genius and insanity, well the Guacamole School PE teacher has firmly entrenched herself on the dumbass side of that line.

Imagine the joy and smiling young faces, not to mention the thunderous chorus of "Gracias, Senorita Gomes!", from the Little Fighting Avacados (Fighting Avacado is the school mascot) when they found out that she alone was responsible for this unscheduled school holiday. On the other hand , the estudiantes will be throwing rancid tamales at the pendeja when they find out they'll have to make up this day later in the school year.

At any rate, Ms. Gomes is now charged with a felony for making a bomb threat at a Guacamole School, which in this barrio in Denver is a right of passage. I can say this because I have been to many barrios in the Greater Denver Area and I can assure you that not a single one of them will appear on the cover of Better Homes and Garden or on a Top 10 Best Places in America to Live lists, so I am not at all out of el line-o here. Paraphrasing The Bard, "a dumbass by any other color would be as fucking stoopid".

Besides, Senorita Gomes did it for the children - her little Fighting Avacados.


Sunday, October 30, 2011

Science, Hot Rod HoverRounds and Gubmint Checks for Dead People!

Kids Playing in October (!) Snow
Here it is the day before Halloween and we are still under a Winter Storm Warning until this afternoon. We got plenty of snow overnight but the ground was still fairly warm so the snow didn't stick for several hours when things finally cooled down. I measured the amount of snow on the ground this morning using a highly scientific method called "My Index Finger".  This is an incredibly accurate mathematical method of measurement using units called "knuckles". The results of this experiment revealed that we had about 4 inches on the ground and my guess is about 7 or 8 inches total. As I mentioned yesterday in this vomit inducing drivel literary masterpiece, the historical average first snow date in Augusta, Maine is November 17. Why do I feel like this little storm is an omen of things to come? Oh, yeah. I live in New England and it snows like a two-peckered billy goat pissin' on a flat rock every winter.

It's Sunday, therefore it's time to uncover some of those Dumbass Gems from the archives. Since we are picking up new readers at an alarming amazing rate, chances are that many of you have not had to chance to read some of the older posts on Dumbass News. Then again, it could be that you just don't give a shit about the older stuff. I shall, however, regale you with the type of articles that, thankfully, are not found anywhere else on the whole, entire internet. Besides, after reading these 'Golden Oldies", you'll want to get as drunk and/or stoned as you can and use a generous portion of Brain Bleach to erase any memory of the horror you just experienced. But, hey, life is punctuated by events that shape us into what we are today - a sad bunch of pathetic dumbasses.

Golden Oldies
  • Hot Rod Mobility Scooters Run Wild! - I wrote this story on Halloween Day, 2010 and it is still being sought out by dumbasses worldwide. These scooters could be the Next Big Thing in motorsports, crushing all other racing organizations in its wake. No more NASCAR. No more NHRA. No more slot cars!
  • Dead People Get Gubmint Checks! - I have been fighting the United States Gubmint for my own damned money for about a year and a half down. They have been, up to this point in time, shall we say, non responsive. No, let's don't say non responsive, let's say they have been fucking me over. While researchinhis article, I found a sure fire way to get my money from the Gubmint. All I have to do is DIE! Well, that's certainly simple enough, but I'd really like to see my 9 and 4 year old daughters grow into women before that happens. But, a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do. 
  • San Francisco is Full of McDumbasses - It's San Francissy. Need I say more?
Week (insert number here) of the 2011 NFL Season is about to begin, so do whatever it is that you do during football games. Like learning the "My Index Finger" method of measuring for first downs.


Saturday, October 29, 2011

Moonshine, Bigfoot, $25 Million and Hissing Cockroaches

Dumbass Colonoscopy
The World Serious is over and the St. Louis Cardinals are the World Champions for 2011. Congrats to the Cards and their fans. You guys had a magical season in 2011, especially from late August on. What your team accomplished is something extraordinary and you should cherish every single inning of it. St. Louis is a great baseball town and the fans are some of the most knowledgeable in the Majors. Keep in mind that Spring Training is just three and a half months away and every team in the National League will be gunning for the Champs in 2012. Go forth and celebrate your 11th World Serious title, because next year the Texas Rangers will be back and better than ever!

Other than being disappointed about the outcome of the Series, it was a great week here at Dumbass News. For those of you dumbasses that missed out on some of my brilliant writing and unmatched commentary, today is your chance to catch up with the latest in the World of Dumbassery. For example...
  • Moonshine and Bigfoot - If the urge to go out into the wilderness and become the first to document the existence of Bigfoot, hooch is a necessary scientific research tool. If you are unable to find Bigfoot, you'll certainly find Big Hangover. 
  • It's Raining Money in Oklahoma - I goof on Okies on a regular basis, but I mean it in a loving way. The people of Oklahoma are some of the finest people you'll ever meet - Salt of the Earth kinda folks. Hell, Oklahoma has given us Mickey Mantle, Troy Aikman, Garth Brooks and my favorite Redhead, Reba McEntire. Who could hate a place that has produced that group? Not me. BTW, the only reason Texas doesn't drift off into the Gulf of Mexico is because Oklahoma sucks. :)
  • Eating BBQ Flavored Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches! - As a former Broadcast Professional (Radio and TV), I can tell you first hand that people will do some seriously stoopid shit in order to win a prize. The bigger the prize, the stoopider the shit they will do. Don't believe me? Read this post and you'll want to projectile vomit immediately tune in to your favorite radio station and see what kind of stoopid shit you yourself will do for a fabulous prize!
  • The $25 Million Dollar Dumbass Mistake - Here are some clues: 1.) Ay-rab. 2) 7-11.3.) Dumbass and 4.) Lotto. Go see what I mean. 
That's the Dumbass News Week in Review for the last full week of October. I must now hunker down as we have a Winter Storm on the way that could dump as much as a foot of snow on Augusta (where I live) and the rest of South Central Maine. The average first day of measurable snowfall for us is November 17, so we are definitely ahead of schedule this year. It's gonna be a long, cold, snowy winter in New England. Why did I ever leave Texas? Because I am a...


Friday, October 28, 2011

A Dumbass Story with a Happy Ending!

But I wanted a Mega Millions Ticket!
I was just checking out some stats for this blog and found some pretty neat stuff. I won't bore you with all the numbers, but I will tell you this: out of almost 400 posts since the first one way back in September of 2010. September 19 to be exact. I bring that up because I don't recall writing a single dumbass story with a happy ending. Today, I shall do so. Not without reaming some poor dumbass out, but nevertheless the story will have a happy ending, even for the Dumbass of the Day.

Have you ever been in a convenience store to buy a soda, snack or whatever and think, "What the hell, I'll buy a lottery ticket" just for shits and giggles. You patiently wait your turn, standing behind a homeless guy who smells like the north bound end of a south bound mule and stale Pabst Blue Ribbon, and you have made your choice of which lottery ticket you plan to buy. Then, out of nowhere the homeless dumb fuck pays for his Meister Brau 40 ouncer and discovers that he has a dollar's worth of change and decides to buy your lottery ticket! what are you supposed to do besides stand in line and buy the next ticket in that bunch? fair enough. But the homeless asshole that bought your lottery ticket, scratches the gray crap from it and wins $500! Your $500! Almost. Wouldn't you feel, instead, like following him to his homeless guy cardboard box and kcikin' the living shit out of him? I would. But since that's not the Christian Attitude, I'd just call him everything but a Child of God and let him go about his merry homeless guy way and celebrate his winnings with other homeless guys. PBR for everyone!

I have actually had this happen to me before but insert "my little brother" for "homeless guy" and the story is basically the same. The little fucker (my brother) bought the ticket I wanted and he ended up winning $500, while I wasted my dollar on a loser. Since I am thirty-three years older than my brother and he was about six years old at the time, I decided that kicking his ass was out of the question.That's just how I roll. But I know I could've taken him out.

Fast forward to today. A little old lady in Georgia stopped by her neighborhood c-store to get her weekly Lotto ticket. However, the Einstein behind the counter (named Habib), a former AOL Customer service rep named Bob, rang up a Powerball ticket instead of the little old lady's usual Mega Millions. Nobody noticed this fuck up ntil the lady checked her numbers and found out that she didn't win Mega Millions. Dammit! Upon further review, the lady noticed the difference in the lotto ticket and compared her numbers to the Powerball numbers that night. 16? There it is. 41, 42/ Both there. 50, 59 and Powerball 5 were also there! The lady had just won twenty-five million dollars thanks to a foreign dumbass who speaks little English and reads even less evidently. Ain't that some shit? I am very happy for the new millionaire lady and I am sure she's as happy as a pig in shit that things worked out like they did.

Just think about it. the lady is rich, the store that sold her the winning ticket got a nice bonus for doing so and the Federal Gubmint now has another wealthy person to tax the hell out of.


Thursday, October 27, 2011

Eat a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach and Win a Prize!

The Other, Other White Meat
I am a Son of the South. Texas to be precise. It pains me to have to report on Southern Dumbasses (except those in Florida. They're prolly Yankee transplants anyway), but as an unbiased smear merchant member of the New Media, I have an obligation to you, my fellow dumbasses, to report the dumbass story as it is, then call it like I see it.  And by "call it like I see it' I mean rip him/her/them a new asshole. Hey, it's a tough job but somebody's gotta do it.

Some dumbass radio station held a promotion in which the winning contestants would win a free season pass to Six Flags Over Georgia. Sounds like a pretty good deal until you find out what each player had to do in order to win the season pass. The contest hopefuls had to eat something to get their super duper prize. (A lone voice from the crowd calls out:) What did they have to eat Tobe? Thanks for that great question unsolicited member of the reading audience! They had to dogs? Nope. Jalapeno peppers? Not this time. The delicacy that would put a season pass to Six Flags Over Georgia in our eager entrants' hands? Madagascar hissing cockroaches!  Aaaaaannnddd, each potential winner had two minutes to consume these little shit eaters. Madagascar hissing cockroaches are the size of Ford trucks. OK, I made that part up, but they are anywhere from 2 to 3 inches long and weigh just a hair less than an ounce. I hear that they taste like chicken. Actually the roaches in the contest are flavored. How about a BBQ Madagascar hissing cockroach? Mexican? La cucaracha, la cucaracha ya me voy a caminar or something like that. My Meskin song memories are a little fuzzy. Like the roaches. 

I grew up in the Dallas-Fort Worth area of Texas and in the early 60s Six Flags Over Texas was welcomed to the Metroplex. As a child and a young man I went to Six Flags approximately 8 billion times. Therefore, I think it's fair to say that if I never see another Six Flags or DisneyWhatever, I will be a happy dumbass. Back then it cost like two bucks for kids to get into the park. I can only imagine what admission is today for a child. $30? Anyone? Bueller? The point is fuck Six Flags. I have no use for them as is and I damn sure would not consume a 3 inch long hissing shit eater to win a season pass to the stinkin' place. The mental deficient dumbasses who went for the passes and the radio station personnel who came up with and participated in this potential Projectile Puke Fest should be rounded up and summarily covered in honey and buried up to the neck in sand infested by gazillions of red ants. Maybe that's a little harsh, but a swift kick in the nuts would suffice instead. Only a big, tough, drunk (on cheap beer, of course) male Redneck would even consider doing this. That's where a swift kick in the nuts comes in. Oh, and a little snip snip in the gazebos so these frakkin' descendants of the cast of Deliverance can not reproduce.

I gotta run. I hear Dueling Banjos in the background.


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Okies Steal Money Raining from the Sky

He Made a Wrong Turn at Little Rock
Let's say that you were taking a leisurely drive, listening to some Merle Haggard on major Interstate Highway like, for instance, I-40 near Oklahoma City. Why anyone would want to be near OKC baffles me, but on one recent day even OKC was a great place to be, despite the large number of Okies and dumbasses (but I repeat myself) that live there. I mean even the saddest Merle Haggard song can't help you forget that you are in Okla-fucking-homa City, although "The Bottle Let Me Down" is a good one to start with. Jack Daniels is optional. As Joe Bob Briggs, World Famous Drive-In Movie Critic and Redneck Spiritual Guru used to say, "let's get to the nitty".

The Nitty: There were a bunch of Okies and poor lost souls who made a wrong turn in Little Rock driving down I-40 when all of the sudden there was money flying all over the place! Real US Legal Tender for cryin' out loud. Now, even Okies and lost souls who made a wrong turn in Little Rock have an affinity for the good old American Greenback, so they did like any bunch of dumbasses would do if there was cheese (money) raining from the sky. They slammed on the car brakes right in the middle of a major Interstate Highway and jumped out to help Police and Firefighters gather the lost loot to return the cash to the rightful owner. And by helping first responders I mean stealing the money like a hooker snortin' blow at Charlie Sheen's house. What happened was that somehow a bag of money (police estimate about $30 Large) was ejected from a car traveling I-40 and a clusterfuck of Okies and lost souls who made a wrong turn in Little Rock proceeded to do their civic duty and become felons by scooping up as much of the errant money as possible. You really can't blame the Okies and lost souls who made a wrong turn in Little Rock for doing what they did, because the economy sucks. And they are Okies. Not to rag on Okies, but they are kinda like the Lost Tribe of Israel. They ain't quite Texans and they ain't quite Kansans, kinda stranded in No Man"s Land. These people weren't delivered to the Promised Land by Moses, they were dumped in Okla-fucking-homa by Jim Bob Jumpback. Enough said.

I almost fell over backwards, which since I quit drinking would be quite a feat, when I read a quote from one of the EMS Guys at the scene of the whole Episode of the Flying Cash. These words are a direct quote that the EMS Guy made in the UPI article where I found this story. Sit down if you are prone to fall over when you laugh like a sound track to a 60s sitcom. The money quote: "It just kills me to think that somebody lost this thing. What if somebody was taking this to a hospital to pay for their surgery?" EMS Guy said. I did not make that up. Not to cast judgement on my fellow man but this guy is a true Okie. He also needs a little surgery done as well. A little snip snip to his gazebo sack. Voila! No more little Okies from this Einstein. Unless of course he was, at one time, one of the lost souls who made a wrong turn in Little Rock and ended up in the void that is OKC.


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Dumbass Excuses to Miss Work! Take Notes for Future Reference

You're shittin' me?
My late Dad used to tell me that he wishes he was born rich instead of good lookin'. I face that same dilemma, but it's a burden that I must carry until I am "The Late Toby", which I hope is no time soon. The point is that if my Dad had been born rich instead of drop dead handsome (like me), then he would not have had to drive a truck for over 40 years and at least 6 million miles, most of that in Texas. I can tell you this: it was a rare occasion when Dad called in sick to work. Nowadays, people call in sick with some really, shall we say, "creative" excuses for not showing up to his/her job.

While doing my usual looking for something to steal from another site in depth research, I came across a web site named The Hiring Site. The following list of excuses for missing work are quoted verbatim from that site. My commentary will follow each "excuse".

This is gonna be good. These are actual excuses used by Liberals, I mean Americans for not showing up for work.

Dumbass Excuses for MIssing Work

Excuse: A cow broke into my house and I have to wait for the insurance man. 
Head Dumbass: Three letters: B B Q. Enuff said.

Excuse: A chicken attacked my Mom.
Head Dumbass: Does Mom make B B Q chicken?

Excuse: My finger is stuck in a bowling ball.
Head Dumbass: Since you can't B B Q  a bowling ball and the only good fingers are steak or chicken fingers, let me get my chain saw. Adios finger. Problem solved. Fucking sissy.

Excuse: My hair transplant has gone bad.
Head Dumbass: It ain't gone half as bad as the size 12 I am gonna put up your ass will "go bad".

Excuse: My girlfriend threw a Sit-n-Spin through my window.
Head Dumbass: was she on the Sit-n-Spin at the time of this incident? If she was, she's a keeper. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

Excuse: I was on a boat in Lake Erie and I ran out of gas and the Coast Guard towed me to the Canadian side.
Head Dumbass: Grab a case of "Moosehead", an OZ of Canada's Finest and walk across the surface of Lake Erie back to the USA side. I have done this before. With good weed, anything is possible. Eh?

Excuse: My foot is caught in the garbage disposal.
Head Dumbass: Are you related to the chick with the Sit-n-Spin? If so, I hope you are a girl. I'm just sayin'.

Can you believe that shit? I know that many Americans are lazy dumbasses with the ambition of a spit wad, but, really, can't you stoopid fucks do any better than that? Whatever happened to real excuses for missing work? stuff like somebody stole my weed and I can't get motivated to work without it. Or...did someone bring a keg to work today? If so, I'm in. If not, I have to go buy one so I'll be spending the day at home doing "scientific research" on what causes hangovers. There are a million of 'em, but the lame ass excuses above could have come from a guy on a street corner selling "Excuses to Miss Work Today" cards for 10 bucks a pop. The sad thing is that so many Americans would stand in line to get a good excuse to skip work, even if it cost $10. Meanwhile, the guy on the corner selling the excuses is working his ass off and getting rich at the hands of a bunch of lazy Occupy Wall Street pussies who smell like some NFL lineman's ass after a double overtime preseason game in Dallas in August. It ain't purty folks. It ain't purty.



Monday, October 24, 2011

Moonshine- An Essential Bigfoot Tracking Tool

Is This Creature a Slim Whitman Fan?
Mankind has been in search of mythical creatures for hundreds of years. Sea monsters, the Loch Ness Monster and his American Cousin, Champ over in Vermont, the Chupacabra (Goat Sucker for all you Gringos out there) of South Texas, you name it, man has looked for it. One of the most enduring and endearing legends of dumbass looking "monsters" is that of Big Foot, Yeti or Sasquatch, depending on which culture you ask - Dumbass White Guy Culture, the Chinese or American Indians. each one has a stale of similar beasts roving the Northern Hemisphere from China to the Pacific Northwest of the USA.

Now some dumbass old man who has sought out Bigfoot for decades(!) has arranged another research expedition in search of my mother-in-law the legendary beast. This waste of hard earned cash, I mean, scientific exercise will take place in North Carolina. the main Expedition Dumbass Guy is Michael Greene who has said that his "previous encounters with Bigfoot -- also known as Sasquatch and Yeti in the folklore of different cultures -- include hearing the creature roar and capturing thermal imaging footage of a 7-foot-tall creature with no discernible neck...". Where I come from we call these encounters being shitfaced drunk and/or married. But, I am a dumbass Redneck, so what do I know. I'll tell you what I know! I know about being married as I have partaken of such on more than one occasion and I damn sure know about being shitfaced drunk. I must confess that I was much better at being shitfaced drunk than at being married. Anyway, our Bigfoot researcher, Brother Dumbass Greene has a plan that will with unquestioned certainty will finally prove the existence of this non-existent animal!

After reading that statement, you'd think that Brother Dumbass Greene had the most advanced technology available to men of his er, uh, "stature" in his quest for Bigfoot. But no!!! Here are Greene's own words as stolen borrowed from the UPI story:

"Usually," Greene said of his previous Bigfoot hunts, nothing at all happens. But you hear roaring in the bushes. They'll pitch rocks into camp, but they never hit anybody. Greene said his team will try to root out the Sasquatch with low-tech methods such as banging on trees with baseball bats and leaving candy bars at their campsite." In his statement, Greene left out the most powerful in his Bigfoot Searching Arsenal - moonshine! That will make something happen! Trust me on this one, folks. A couple of gizzard-warming shots of Mountain Dew will make you see Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra, Jesus and all sorts of other creatures and apparitions. After due consideration, I have deemed this little junket a success no matter if Bigfoot is found or not. Smoky Moutain Soothin' Syrup is guaranteed to make any critter-finding field trip worthwhile!

Besides the low-tech approach to this experiment, Brother Dumbass Greene has unwittingly added more tools to his baseball bats,candy bars and moonshine - hallucinations and nekkidness. A snort or two of Hillbilly Sody (spelling intentional) Water and Brother Dumbass Greene and his colleagues will be dancing around the camp fire buck ass nekkid singing the Best of Slim Whitman at the top of their lungs. I just hope that Bigfoot is a Slim Whitman fan, too. Happy hunting, Senor Greene!


Saturday, October 22, 2011

The Greatest Dumbass Ever! Dumbass Fishing Stories! And Get Hooked on Dumbass News!

The Greatest Dumbass Ever!
As we begin this week's look back into Dumbass News History, I'd first like to salute perhaps The Greatest Dumbass of Them All. He was born Jerome Lester Horvitz in New York on October 22, 1903. He was the youngest of four (or five, I forget, but so the fuck what) brothers. His older siblings included Moses and Samuel, who would also become two of the Greatest Dumbasses of All Time. Some combination of Jerome, Moses and Samuel have been entertaining men and children, but I repeat myself, for nearly 80 years. Their brand of comedy revolutionized the way we laugh at things. An eye poke here, a boink on top of the head there and, along with Lawrence Feinstein of Philadelphia, some of the most hilarious comedy in the history of mankind were their trademarks. My favorite of these three was Jerome. I'll stop here because, if you haven't already, you'll guess that I am telling you of Curly Howard. yes, that Curly Howard. His brothers were Samuel (Shemp) and Moses (Moe). And as the late Paul Harvey said so many times over the years...Now you know the ... of the story. Happy Birthday, Curly! The Greatest Stooge and the Greatest Dumbass. Check out this clip from 1936's Disorder in the Court. Be sure to catch the part with Curly getting on the witness stand. After lterally seeing this hundreds of times over the last 50 plus years, I still fall out when I see it. Pure genius. Nyuk. Nyuk. Nyuk.

Not nearly as funny as Curly, but still pr damn humorous is a look at some of the columns that have been reader favorites over the last year's worth of Dumbass News. Today's theme; Fish.
That's your Dumbass Seafood Menu for today, so sit back. relax and curse and laugh with much gusto at these dumbasses. It'll make you feel better. Guaranteed.

Be sure to click on the "Follow By Dumbass Email" button so you'll never again miss the latest mockery of dumbasses around the world, maybe even in your hometown! Well, the only dumbass in your hometown is probably you, but what the hey! Subscribe anyway! Each new post will be sent directly to your email inbox! You can also Tweet any post in the Dumbass News archives to both your friends! Located just above the Twitter button in the right sidebar is an AddThis button that allows you to share any post on the blog via the social media of your choice. Give it a click and a list of literally hundreds of social and bookmark sharing sites will pop up, and you can use any or all of them to pass along the latest in Dumbass News!  Thanks!

Head Dumbass

Friday, October 21, 2011

Target Practice and Traffic Light Cameras! Dead People Beware!

High Tech Target Practice
My job in keeping this blog up and running is just a matter of me getting off my ass and writing something every day. That's the hard part. The easy part is, as I have mentioned a million times, finding a dumbass to write about. and as Luck would have it, this great experiment in Democracy with its 310 million plus residents provides an endless supply of dumbass material. three of the most common themes are drugs (namely pot), tattoos and dead people.

Dead people tend to make the headlines quite often actually. I have written several stories about the dumbassery that goes along with being dead, not that it's the dead guy's fault. For some Dead People Dumbassery, you can check this post about the dearly departed receiving Social Security benefits and other taxpayer-funded subsidies. On a related note, this guy was getting his monthly gubmint check like clockwork. I am sure he would appreciate that except for the fact that he's dead! And, lo and behold, today death again leads us to more dumbassery from the people put in charge of the department of Public Dumbassery and Stoopid Shit. I know that's going around the coffee cup to find the handle but it's worth the wait for today's Dumbassery From the Grave!! 

In Miami Gardens, Florida (Florida!!!), the city uses traffic light cameras to catch those hardened criminals who run red lights! As you know I am against violence unless it is totally necessary to the plot. Plot meet violence. Hence, I shall refer to traffic light cameras as "target practice". I absolutely do not endorse or encourage any dumbasses to sight in his .22 rifle on the local "target practice" in his town, but I live in New England and I can not report what I don't witness. I'm just sayin'. Back to Miami Gardens and the "target practice-using communists who run the place...Recently,  "target practice" caught a car breaking a traffic law at a local traffic intersection. :::SNAP::: The traffic light cam "target practice" did its "job" by catching this vicious resident violating City Law! Score one for the Commies. Almost. The car featured in the photo was the car of a dead woman! The decedent's family had, already turned in the tags to her car and done all the Commie Bullshit a family's gotta do after a loved one dies. But the "target practice" doesn't lie! Look! There's the image of the car and it's driver right there! The one minor flaw in the photographic evidence of wrong doing is that the, once again, the lady who owned the car is graveyard dead. Has been for months. So now the City and the company who runs the "target practice" program in Miami Gardens (American Traffic Solutions, Inc.) are back tracking like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers doing the tango. Same old shit. "We're sorry...", "we'll take care off it for you..."...the usual crap.

Here's my take: Take down these fucking electronic invaders of my space and privacy and shove them up your collective ass, Miami Gardens! As far as American Traffic Solutions, inc., the program overseers, what I have in mind for them is against the law in Florida, so I'll refrain from comment o that except to say that it involves a ribeye steak rub on the body, alligators and other such fun, froth and frivolity. It is my firm belief that until these "target practices" are removed from traffic lights in Miami Gardens (bwahahahaha, I kill myself. Like that will ever happen!). Or until they somehow malfunction and are beyond repair and cost prohibitive to replace. Two words: target practice. I hope you know that I am just teasing about that part.

Kind of.


Thursday, October 20, 2011

Mad Dog 20/20, the Brooklyn Bridge and Spiders

The Spiders are Coming! Maybe.
Down in The Big Apple (from where I sit, it's down there) they grow some of the best dumbasses in the world. They still have a way to go before catching up with California, but there are some mighty fine dumbasses in New York City. Like this guy:

There's an "artist" in NYC that has a weird, nay, dumbass idea for the Brooklyn Bridge. I think that "artist" in this case means "he who drinks too much Mad Dog 20/20, but I digress. Leon Reid, IV, (the artist) wants to build a 30ft by 15ft spider on the world famous bridge. Mad Dog tends to do shit like that to the mind after a while. Quick aside: who the hell names their kid "Leon" for four generations? This is further proof that not only Leon is a Mad Dog kinda guy, but his parents and those relatives all the way up to his Great Grandfather were fucking drunks. Anyway, Leon was walking across the Brooklyn Bridge with his wife, who is a boxed wine drinker, and through the powers of inebriation and Dumbassery, Leon said to himself one day, "Hey, wouldn't a 30ft by 15ft spider look great in this bridge?!" His wife simply said, 'Buuuuuurrrrpppppp." Leon took that as a "yes". "I'm trying to draw a similarity between the architecture of humankind and that of spiders," Leon Reid IV told The New York Post. I think Leon is trying to show a connection between too much Mad Dog and the accompanying hallucinations it produces. Once again, Mrs. Leon, the boxed wine drinker said, "Buuuuuurrrrrppppp". This time Leon took that as "I am almost out of boxed wine" from his lovely bride.

There are a couple of roadblocks on the artistic 9and drunk) highway that Leon travels. One such roadblock is, of course, money. This project will require eight hundred thousand dollars to complete. What the hell!!?? Leon plans to finance the big spider by redeeming all of his old Mad Dog 20/20 bottles. Each bottle carries a 15 cent cash deposit, further proving that Leon slams MD 20/20 like a baby drinks milk if he can round up 800 grand like that. OK, I made the old MD bottles thing up. Where do you think Leon will get the funds he needs? My guess is from the taxpayers of New York City! And the Mayor of NYC, El Bloombito, is just dumbass enough to grant Leon his wishes. Which leads us to Roadblock number 2, permissiom from the City to build the spider on the bridge. But that's a mere formality as El Bloombito will likely give Leon the cheese anyway.

I do this post as a public service to the residents of New York City. So far, New Yorkers, we have learned that Leon is a Mad Dog Dumbass and upon imbibing an adequate amount of said vino, Leon sees weird shit and wants to build big weird shit on bridges. Leon should be institutionalized and put on some safe medication like Demerol. It can't be nearly as powerful as the Mad Dog. While being "treated", I also propose that the staff at the Funny Farm cut into Leon's gazebo holder and snip that little tube that makes babies - in this case, babies named Leon V, etc., and babies prone to Mad Dog abuse. A lobotomy might not be a bad idea either. I'm just sayin'.

Leon's wife says, "Buuuuuuurrrrrrrrppppp."


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Sex Toy Mishap Leads to Vibrator Litigation!

WARNING!!! This story is NSFW! (unless you have a freak for a boss) It is especially INAPPROPRIATE for children! You have been WARNED. Gross out WARNING also!

Love in a Box
Where to start, where to start where to start? There are a lot of love birds in the world today that seek to "enhance" their sex lives - Viagra, Cialis, "marital aids", etc. Considering this, one doesn't have to look too far for a dumbass freaky sex toy story. And boy have I got a doozy for you today!

A lady in Northern California is suing a "marital aid" maker in SoCal because of a terrible experience using one of their products. The fake dick maker is named, get this, Pipedreams Products. Now that's funny! But my question is, how does one have an accident using a vibrator or some such? According to the woman, she and her boyfriend were having Mad Monkey sex when she felt a sharp pain "down there". the guy quickly removed the vibrator and it was covered with blood. The chick thought at the time that her "monthly visitor" had made its round. That theory was shot to hell when she continued to lose blood and fade in and out of lucidity. Her son thought his mother was dieing and she did, too. The son rushed her to the hospital where she administered several pints of blood and stabilized. The lady tried to get some compensation from Pipedreams, but the company said, "How about a new fake weenie and a set of ass beads instead?". This offer was not well received by the woman in question. OK, I made that new fake weenie and ass beads part up. The point is that Pipedreams said, "Haha, bitch, you are screwed. And bloody. But mostly screwed." So she is now suing the fake dick maker, who has blood on his, er, uh, hands. Or something.

This episode brings to mind several thought-provoking questions, but I'll address just a couple or three. Question number 1: How in the world can a vibrator cause a bloody mess in a woman's vagina? Explosion? The lady mistook a small kitchen appliance for her sex toy? Maybe the boyfriend was slammin' it "in there" like a construction worker with a jack hammer working a a New York City sidewalk. I dunno. I'm still trying to figger this one out. Question number 2: Does a government agency test these sex toys to ensure their safety, like they do hair dryers or or kids' car seats? You know, A Department of Fake Dick Testing or some such. If so, I hope they test them on Playboy Playmates or some sleaze ball skanky sluts from the porn industry. Question number 3: is this government agency hiring?


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Bimbo Texts About Drugs for Sale - To a Cop!

Not Intended for Dumbass Use
I have a confession to make. I am a Gizmo-holic. Yes, I have traveled the rough and treacherous technological road to Gizmo-holism. I love gizmos and gadgets. desktop computers, laptop computers, iPads, GPS and all the cool little gizmo enhancers that go with them. I do not yet own all these electronic wonders. I will soon, though. Count on it.

I do have a problem, however, with cell phones. While in many instances cell phones prove to be life savers and just plain old handy. But, I do not like them very much. One of the most popular features of today's cell phones is the ability to text a friend or family member. I am still trying to figure out why you would text someone when right there in your greedy capitalist pig hand is a $500 cell phone - a cell phone hundreds of times more powerful than the first computers! A phone to me means a phone call! Fuck texting. Use the damn phone for what it is made for -  making phone calls! Do I have to teach you dumbasses everything? Good Gawd, y'all.

Now, having said all that shit, I have written a few posts on dumbasses with cell phones who end up, shall we say, fucked. To see what I mean look here and here, and you'll find dumbasses and their cell phones are not a particularly good combination. Well, guess what? I have come across another dumbass-with-a-cell-phone texting instead of making a phone call story. Go figger.

There's this chick named Amy who like millions of other Americans has a cell phone. And like millions of other Americans she texts her friends, family and business associates. Of course, by "business associates", I mean people to sell narcotics to. In a situation like this, texting is a real dumbfuck thing to do, but, being a mental midget, Amy texts her customers to meet her at Place A to pick up some stash. What Amy forgets is that if you text your "come buy drugs from me" message to the wrong number, the text is still there for the receiving party to read. A text of this nature in the "wrong" hands could be bad news for Amy. And it was. She sent her text meassage to a cop! Well, the cop's face lit up like a fat kid at Chuck E. Cheese when he saw the text. Long story short, Amy got busted and now shares a cell (<--- I made a funny) at the State Hilton with Marlene "Butch" Abernathy, the 3 Time defending Toughest Lesbian in the State Hilton award winner. Amy can look forward to fun and games with the other "girls" and probably write a book and go on Dr. Phil and become a millionaire ex-con bimbo. or a Cinemax at Night soft porn star recounting her days as a sex toy to a 6'3" Lesbian in State Prison. Sick ain't it? I am jealous.


Sunday, October 16, 2011

East Coast Sports Writers - Arrogant, Clueless and All Around Dumbasses

World Series to Be Played Here
Today is Sunday and I normally don't write a new story on the Lord's day, but today I am making an exception. I am making an exception so I can blast a bunch of biased Yankee know-it-all pussies. I am not here to impugn the entire populace living north of the Mason-Dixon, just a select few, namely the East Coast Liberal Pussy Sportswriter. I won't name names but if you read any East Coast newspaper's sports section or cruise the intertubes on and other sports sites, you know who I am talking about. Two words for these dickless wonders. Make that three words - ha fucking ha! These professional "journalists" have their heads planted so far the asses of the New York Yankees, Boston Red Sox and the Philadelphia Phillies, they haven't seen the sunshine since just before Spring Training last February. Buncha asswipes. They look on paper at the big names on those three rosters and you'd think Jesus and His 12 Disciples had started a baseball team, especially the Phillies this year. What these gas bags don't see is team chemistry, team work, team sacrifice and a group of men who genuinely care about each other and are willing to working as hard and as together as possible to reach the Ultimate Goal of the World Series. You can't find those qualities on paper, you  find them in the hearts of men who are willing to exercise them in order to succeed. What you also don't see is the Yankees, Red Sox or Phillies with all their money used trying to buy a Championship rather than a a group of men like I mentioned a moment ago, in the World Series. They are all sitting at home in their castles while the Serfs of the league play in the Big Show. The serfs being the Texas Rangers. You know, the Two-Time Defending American League Champions? The 25 Men that make up the Rangers' roster are the men to whom I referred to earlier ( chemistry, team work, team sacrifice and a group of men who genuinely care about each other and are willing to working as hard and as together as possible to reach the Ultimate Goal of the World Series). Those men.

So all you Yankees, Red Sox and Phillies fans ( the sports writers), enjoy your Nathan's Hot Dogs, baked beans and Cheese Steaks while Rangers fans swig down cold beer, gorge themselves on ball park nachos and soak up the wildness that is the World Series. We'll miss you in the Indian Summer of a Texas October while our guys fight like hell to bring a World Championship to the MetroPlex. I made that up. We won't miss the High and Mighty Overlord Scribes of the National Pasttime. Keep your Yankee, Liberal, Punk Asses at home on the Eastern Seaboard. We don't want you here. We don't need you here. And most of all, you don't belong here. You can look over your stat sheets and all that shit, watch the games on TV and while you're at it - kiss my Redneck ass.

Have a nice October.


Saturday, October 15, 2011

Psychics, Midgets and Boobies, Oh My!

Your Guaranteed Right to be a Dumbass Lives Here
This week's outstanding Dumbass News stories are among the weirdest we have ever seen on these pages. frakkin' hilarious stuff. This is going to make the race for "Dumbass of the Year, 2011" is a tough one to call at this point, but I do have some ideas for the finalists for the award. It's a good thing I do because as I look at the calendar it's the middle of October already so the end of the year is really not that far off. I am thinking about running a series of polls to where you can have some input into the "Dumbass of the Year" award process. I am leaning towards a tournament type series of polls where your votes will determine who moves on in the selection process. I just don't really know yet. If you have any ideas I'd love to hear from you. This is your blog, I am just the dipshit who's dumbass enough to actually put his name on it. Leave a comment with your ideas in the comment section or shoot me an email at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. Now onto The Dumbass News Week in Review! 
  • Dumbass Psychic - Not only does this dumb bitch expose herself as a charlatan, fraud, extortionist, she jumps way up the ladder in the "Dumbass of the Year" rankings. Sad and funny as hell at the same time.
  • What do Dwarf Tossing and the Constitution of the United States have in common? A lot more than you'd think. It takes a true genius of a dumbass like me to actually make sense of it all. read on and you'll agree. I promise.
  • Door to Door Breast Exams - This story features one of the most ingenious dumbasses in the history of Dumbassery. You have got to read it to believe it. I didn't make any of this stuff up. Pinky swear.
Remember to let me know if you have any 'Dumbass of the Year" nominations or story ideas by emailing me at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. To refresh your memory on your favorite dumbass, browse the blog archives and submit it to the email address <-----back there. If you are a newer reader the archives are a great place to catch up on some of weird news that happens every day somewhere in Dumbass-ville. See y'all soon!

Head Dumbass

Friday, October 14, 2011

Dumbass Fake Doctor Gives Free Breast Exams - Felony Ensues

Tools of a Dumbass Gone Wrong
DISCLAIMER: This article deals with adult material and may not be suitable for work and is CERTAINLY NOT suitable for children. Reader discretion is advised. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED FOR THE ONLY AND LAST TIME! If it offends you, I don't give a shit and my ass is readily available for you to kiss. 
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

On Wednesday, October 12, 2011 I extolled the virtues of the Constitution of the United States, especially the part about "life, Liberty, the pursuit of happiness and the God-Given right to be a Dumbass".. OK, the dumbass part ain't the Constitution, but that's essentially what "life, Liberty"  etc. means. I also wrote about the Constitutionally guaranteed right to be the best Dumbass this country has ever seen, excluding of course President Obama until January 20, 2013. I remind you of these things in order to make a very relevant point, so let me splain.

In the 13 months that I've been writing this blog, I have never seen a Dumbass of this magnitude. And he's a Dirty Old Man (DOM) as well. And like Fred G. Sanford once said when Aunt Esther called him a dirty old man, "Yeah and I'm gonna be one til I'm a dead old man". You just can't argue with logic like that. Sheer brilliance.

Here's the back story: An 81 year old man went around an apartment complex in Florida knocking on residents' doors. OK, no big deal. He was also carrying a Doctor's Bag. Still, no biggie. Here's the kicker: he pretended to be a doctor (which is a big deal) and was going from door to door offering free breast exams! Kicker Number 2: at least two women went along with this scam! The DOM made his way into their homes under the guise of representing a local hospital offering free breast exams for local women. Not only did the DOM feel up these chicks' knockers, he also put an un-gloved finger in their groceries! If you know what I mean and I think you do. You and I are in agreement that sexually molesting women is a very serious crime and I mean in no way to trivialize it, so let's just focus on the dumbassery in the story, not the criminal aspect of it (except for the prison bitch part).

Here's the deal: This DOM used nothing but his imagination, guile, sexual perversion, dumbassery and the Constitutional right to be a Dumbass to become the best, or in this case, the most despicable dumbass he could be. Now it's this DOM's fate is to become one of the oldest prison bitches in the US Penal System. Examine this, bitch! I feel confident in saying that where this vile, vile man is going, latex gloves and rubbers are not readily available for when Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams lays the salami him. Also the only bag the DOM will see in the slammer is Leon's nut sack smashing into his chin during those intimate moments they'll share together.

As far as the women in this story, criminality aside, what the fuck were they thinking? Didn't they ever hear of the old saying about not letting strangers into your home? Yet these bimbos readily volunteered to let the asshole in and let him feel their hammers! It was only when the DOM went for the "vaginal exam" did they become suspicious. I mean Holy shit(!), a total stranger asking to see your boobs isn't a red flag? These bitches are way past dumbass, landing somewhere in "If My Brains Were Dynamite I Couldn't Blow My Nose-ville". <shakin' my fucking head>

The various levels of the dumbassery in this story have left even me almost speechless. And I do this Dumbass News gig every day, occasionally coming across a story that seems at the time to be almost un-toppable. This is one of those stories. This little diddy has raised the bar of "excellence" in the art of dumbassery to never-before-seen-or-expected levels. But fear not! Some day, from somewhere on the Big Blue Marble, there'll be another story that makes us wonder just how far some humans have evolved and whether or not they should be allowed to procreate in furthence of the Dumbass Gene in Human DNA. I know this because the World is full of...

Dumbasses. And tits. And Dirty Old Men. <shakin' my fucking head>

Thursday, October 13, 2011

More Midget Mania! Motel 6 and the Midget

We'll Leave a Midget in Your Closet for You
I have lots of stuff to do today, including a Doctor's visit for me and my oldest daughter. I won't have time this morning to write a new post, so I'll leave you with more Midget Fu. I wrote this one a while back and it has got to be one of our Top 5 Most Popular Posts. It won't take long to read. After all, it's a short story. :)

Nobody is immune to doing something stupid once in a while. Not me, you or anybody we know. Some people, however, do stupid shit on a regular basis because they are stupid and they know nothing else but being stupid. In such cases, the person is a dumbass.

When I do a Dumbass News story, I try to take into account various aspects of the story and whether or not it is Dumbass News worthy. I consider whether or not the incident in the story is just plain old bad luck or being at the right place at the wrong time. Bad luck and bad timing do not a dumbass make....most of the time.

The dumbass in this story was definitely at the  right place at the wrong time, which would normally not be sufficient evidence to declare him a dumbass. But, the dude took right place, wrong time to a previously unheard of level. And by that, I mean he got into a hole and kept digging, with one foot on a banana peel and his head up his ass.

The dumbass in question was staying in a Motel 6 in Spartanburg, South Carolina when the phone in his room rang. An unknown male was the caller and he promptly told the dumbass that there were hidden cameras in the motel room and he was to destroy the television and mirrors in the room so he could disable the "hidden cameras". Our dumbass dutifully did as he was told by a total stranger on the phone! This is only half the dumbassery, there was more to unfold. Next, the caller instructed the dumbass to break into the room next door and FREE A TRAPPED MIDGET! Surely, our hero would realize that at this point, he was being pranked. But no! With the aid of aid of a wrench, the dumbass broke through the wall leading to the room next door. That's when the cops showed up. The ending of this story is different than what you might expect.

Despite having done a few thousand dollars worth of damage to his motel room, the dumbass was not charged with any crimes, he was simply asked to leave the Motel 6 and they will not leave the light on for him.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Dwarf Tossing - The Constitutional Right to Be a Dumbass!

A Dwarf and His Horses
It's times like these that make me proud to be an American. Last night we had a Republican Presidential Candidate debate in my next door neighbor, New Hampshire. Democracy in action, with each candidate sharing his views on various matters to the citizens of this great land. Just like the Founding Fathers envisioned. One of the major objectives of the Founders was that government remain limited in its role in the American peoples' lives. I am for that. The government should be really good at three things...Guarding our borders against all enemies, killing bad guys swiftly and efficiently while turning the hell holes they live in into nice parking lots and leaving me the hell alone! And believe it or not a State rep in Florida gets the idea of small government! Let me splain.

Representative Ritch Workman of Melbourne has introduced a bill to the state legislature that repeals a twenty-two year old ban on dwarf tossing! Now that's what I'm talkin' about! we used to do something similar when I was a younger man back home in Texas. We'd throw horse shoes - with the horse still in them! It was a tough go but we managed until we got too drunk and/or stoned at which time we'd throw women. The women loved it! The chicks were drunk an/or stoned also, so it was in the name of fun and togetherness. Besides, the women folk knew if they played that they would "get some" later. OK, I made that stuff up, except for the drunk and/or stoned part.

Back to the midgets. Rep. Workman does not endorse nor condone tossing Little People, but he says that it is every American Midget's God-given right to be passed around like a good one-hitter amid a sea of drunk dumbasses if he or she chooses to do so. I agree. This is America dammit and each and every one of her 310,000,000 residents has the Constitutional Right to be the best and brightest at his/her chosen field of endeavor. That same right applies to dumbasses too! Stoopid people, homeless people and midgets are guaranteed by the United States Constitution to be the biggest and best dumbass he or she can possibly be! Can I get an amen from the Readership?

Needless to say that the Little People of America is not exactly enthused by this situation. The Head Midget says that dwarfs who worked at being tossed about were alcoholics and had bad self-esteem. No shit, dumbass! Still, cry me a fucking river. Or since you are a Little Person Dumbass, cry me a creek, asswipe. Look, I don't give a shit about Dwarf Tossing. If a Little Man wants to do that stoopid and demeaning shit, more power to him. It's NOT about the dehumanizing of midgets being thrown around like rags dolls, it's about The Right to Be Stoopid as put forth and guaran-fucking-teed by the document that is the very foundation of this country! So relax and puff on a fattie, Little People. "Normal" sized folks do stoopid shit that dwarf (pun intended) Dwarf Tossing all the time. Hideous, vile, destructive, thoughtless things. Like vote for Democrats.


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Dumbass Psychic Should Have Seen this Coming

A Rip Off is in Your Future
Psychics. 99% of the American public knows that 99% of the "psychics" in this country are "psychic" in one way only. They know that there are plenty of weak-minded dumbasses out there who will fork over good money for a "psychic" reading, hoping against hope for some miracle in their lives. Don't get me wrong, I believe in paranormal stuff, but I am not so quick to call Miss Cleo or one of her dumbass minions. But, again, some people put great faith in any old Miss Cleo, Sister Dora or Princess Jasmine and their "psychic" abilities, proving that many Americans are in fact weak minded dumbasses. Besides, you can buy a lot of beer and pizza with the amount of money you spend on one solitary "psychic" reading.

If grown people want and feel the need to throw some of their hard earned cash on magic dog poop, a fart reader (like reading tea leaves except they read farts) or a "psychic", I don't give a shit. But when one of the charlatans takes advantage of a kid, they cross the line into "I need my ass kicked real bad" territory. Read on and you'll see what I mean.

There's this asswipe psychic in California (!) that was giving readings to a 12 year old girl !!! What. The. Fuck. That statement right there is a major red flag for me, but that's just how I roll. Anyway, this boil on the ass of humanity psychic was telling this child that there was a terrible curse on her family and the only way to remove was to bring her parents jewelry to her (the psychic). So the kid did that. Several times. You can see where this is going. And it ain't to Cash for Gold. The girls' parents eventually caught on as to what was happening and called the cops. The cops did their duty and arrested this stoopid bitch and put her exactly where she the fucking County Hilton, where she will have the joyous time of learning first hand what those Women Prisoners in Chains movies are all about. Enjoy the broom handle game, bitch. You so deserve it. Oh, yeah she was charged with fraud and extortion, so she'll have a long, eventful career as a prison bitch. It couldn't happen to a nicer dumbass.

A quick note to our "psychic" friend and future Cinemax After Dark star. You should have seen this coming.


Sunday, October 9, 2011

There's No Joy in Dumbassville , But There is Pot!

Still My Team After All These Years
There is no joy in Dumbassville today. The Mighty Longhorns have struck out. The University of Texas at Norman (Oklahoma Univ.) bat the horse shit out of my guys, The Texas Longhorns, yesterday,m 55-17. That sucks a big one, but the Horns will be back a much better and more experienced team next year. Keep an eye on the Sooners, though. They are one helluva football team seemingly bound for the National Championship Game on January 9. But, life goes on despite the injustices of the Football Gods and the dickweed Sooners.
Gawd, I hate fucking Oklahoma.  Dumbasses.

So now I'll do what I always do when life deals me lemons. I read about dumbasses! Join me as we tour the World of Dumbassery as it reveals itself to be the Land of Future Jerry Springer Guests!
  • Pot From Stolen Truck...- A little trip to California (where else?) gives us this story of how a stolen truck loaded with marijuana wrecks and passersby, ever so civic-minded, help the Police out by stealing the pot thrown from the truck when it overturned. Ya gotta love the Land of Fruits and Nuts.
  • How to Lose $425,000 Worth of Pot! - One of our All-Time most read pot stories, this is a lesson in how to lose almost a half million dollars worth of weed and sign your own death Warrant at the same time!
  • A Guy Named Gus and His Ducks and Pot - What's not to like about a guy named Gus? And ducks. And pot. I'm just sayin'.
That's your lineup for this fine NFL and Longhorns Heartbreak Sunday. With these stories, perhaps there is some joy in Dumbassville after all.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Prison Bitch Saturday!

Dumbasses of All Stripes Wear These Colors
I am Back in the Saddle! Well, I am back just long enough to hook you up with a Best of Dumbass News post for today. Please allow me to elucidate.

Today is the first time in three days that I've been out of bed and I am leaning heavily towards plopping my happy white ass right back in it. If you'll recall, I've been pissin' and moanin' about having The Crud over the last week or two. It has finally caught up to me with the vengeance of 1000 ex-wives with female lawyers with PMS suing for alimony. Simply put, I have been sicker than a cur dawg. I hope to be back to full strength by Monday. Until then, here's a little something to hold you over for today.
I hope you enjoy the joy you'll get by laughing your ass off at the misfortune, suffering and dumbassery of your fellow man. I know it always helps me feel better.  :)


    Thursday, October 6, 2011

    Fightin' (No, Really) for the Lord!

    Non-Baptist Young People
    Man! I don't kniow what alien genetic mutation has taken over my body, but it has done a fine job of it. I am still sick as hell. There is good news , however. I was the very first one in our little apartment community to come down with whatever it is and since that time, I have spread it to the masses! Yes! I have created an epidemic just by saying "hello" to my neighbors. Now, they won't even pass in front of my apartment without a can of Lysol or a Toby-like VooDoo doll. But at least they leave me the hell alone! See? There is an upside to this whole sick like death thing. Anyway, this story was first posted last February and I thought I could use some Old Time Religion to make me feel better. Here ya go....

    On a recent Sunday, dumbass members of the Greater New Zion Baptist Church in Fletcher, North Carolina had a meeting - fists meeting noses, fists meeting jaws...A fight broke out during a church service! Amen! Talk about standing up for the Lord! But, I have this sneaky feeling that the Lord was not amused that a brawl broke out during a worship service. At least they weren't dancing. <----A little Baptist humor there.

    It took policemen from five different agencies to quell this mini-riot of about 75 people. I am operating on the assumption that the Greater New Zion Baptist Church is made up of a fairly conservative group of parishoners. I base that on the fact that a) they are Baptists and b) they are in North Carolina. I don't think you'll find many Liberals in the congregations of churches like Greater New Zion. I'm just sayin'. But what in God's name would bring people attending church services to come to blows with one another? I certainly don't know the answer and so far neither do the cops. Maybe some Duke University grads went to the church which is attended by U of North Carolina Alums, with the intention of having a hymnal raid. You know what I mean...a hymnal raid is like a panty raid except it's not as "naughty" and is surely nowhere near as fun. Or maybe the Duke guys wanted to dance with the UNC graduate Church Ladies. Worse yet, maybe the Duke guys wanted to have sex with the UNC Church Ladies while they were standing up! This is totally unacceptable! Having sex while standing up could lead some people to believe that they were dancing! (That's my allotment of Baptist and dancing jokes for one column) Regardless, these people are dumbasses. If they would have been Catholic, holy mackerel (!), the penance would have been to say at least 100 "Hail Marys" and to clean up after several meetings of the Knights of Columbus. The latter part of this penance is most extreme. have you ever seen the aftermath of a Knights of Columbus meetings? Alas, the group in question is strictly a Baptist one and the punishment will be quite different, but no less severe. This congregation will have to now sit down in front of their televisions and watch a full hour of Paul Crouch and his hair, on the Trinity Broadcasting Network, a fate worse than sliding down a 100 yard long razor blade and landing in a pool of rubbing alcohol. A terrible penalty indeed, but at least they won't have to dance. Or have sex standing up. Dumbasses.

    Wednesday, October 5, 2011

    Moose vs. Dumbass - Guess Who Wins?

    1500 Pounds of Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love
    I have traveled to 30 some odd states in The Fruited Plain and have each of them to have a special quality about itself - even Oklahoma (Hook 'em Horns!) From the breadth and depth and the geographic diversity of Texas to the deep blue waters of the Atlantic Coast of Maine, the United States is indeed blessed by God with incredible beauty. Our smallest state, Rhode Island, which isn't even an island, has a landmark every American should see - a traffic signal. Such excitement! However, one the country's most beautiful states, Utah, has never blessed my eyes with her natural wonders. I hope to change that next summer. Utah does, however, make itself known to me through a common bond that we share - dumbasses. Yes, even a conservative, mostly white guy, Mormon state has its share of dumbasses. Here's what I mean:

    Some guy in Utah named Zeke or some shit like that was hiking in a state park when he came upon a male and a female moose near the trail he was on. "Beautiful!", Zeke (or some shit like that) thought. He was so excited he grabbed his cell phone and began to take photos and video of the encounter. Speaking of encounters, the moose weren't where they were to exchange vegetarian cookie recipes. male and female moose are in the same location for reason and one reason alone - SEX. Mad Monkey Moose Sex. Propagation of the species and all that stuff. Did I mention that when a Bull Moose wants Mad Monkey Moose Sex, he finds it highly offensive that some some Mormon white guy interferes with the heavy duty moose boinking that lay ahead. In fact, he gets flat out PISSED OFF. Mr. Bull Moose, all 1500 pounds of him, gave Zeke a fake charge and went back to the Lady Moose for Mad Monkey Moose Sex. Zeke failed to heed the Bull Moose's warning and kept on filming the "encounter". Senor Bull Moose then proceeded to stomp a mud hole in Zeke, who is now known as the Mormon White Guy Dumbass, once again returning to the Lady Moose for their predestined mating ritual.

    Other than having a fetish for watching Mad Monkey Moose Sex, I cannot for the life of me understand why Zeke just didn't quietly leave the moose to Nature's Call and continue on with his hike. The beer in Utah is only 3.2% good stuff, so the idea that Zeke was drunk ain't gonna wash with me. He's just an everyday Mormon White Guy Dumbass. Simple as that. But, I am still pissed that Zeke would defame and demean the magnificent home state of Robert Redford, Donnie and Marie and the Utah State cheerleaders.


    Tuesday, October 4, 2011

    The Ice Kream Klan is Coming!

    Puerto Ric-Klan?
    The Yankees (Northerners, not the baseball team) have taken over Florida. The conquest is complete. I have proof of this horrific news and today I will share that proof with you, my fellow Dumbasses, no matter how much it pains my Southern-to-the-Core heart. What follows is not for the weak of heart or mind.
    The mascot for a small, family owned Ocala, Florida ice cream shop is actually a mascot for the Ku Klux Klan! I. Shit. You. Not. The mascot goes around Ocala and tries to drum up business for the ice cream joint. He has often been mistaken as a symbol for the Klan! I can hear Yankees from all the other places in the USA that they are to subvert screaming in unison, "What does that have to do with us, you bigoted Redneck asshole?" Here's your answer, you sons of motherless goats, Anti-Southern people dickweeds and representatives of all that is wrong with this great country. Who the hell else besides a dumb fucking Yankee would mistake this for a KKK uniform? See the various colored patches on the "hood" of the costume? What do think that is? A secret Klan colored scheme that signifies the mascot's rank in the KKK, Local 666? If you'd look a little further, you'd discover that the dude in the costume is a Hispanic type, Puerto Rican to be exact, guy. You know how much those Puerto Ricans love that gay old Klan. The KKK used to use guys like this for target practice or as a preliminary sacrifice while waiting for the real fun to begin when they could lynch a "nigger". (I despise that word, I use here only to make a point) Believe you me, that if this guy was a Klan plant, the good people of Ocala, Florida would save the County a bunch of money and court time when they finished stompin' a mud hole in the motherfucker.

    So all you "I hate the South, so let's turn it into new Jersey South since its worked out so well up North" asswipes, you have two choices. 1) Assimilate to your new environs. You might just learn something about caring for your neighbor or taking care of community business on your own, without the need for Federal intervention and lots of other cool shit from Southerners. Choice 2). Move the fuck BACK to New Frakkin' Jersey, douchebag! Now ain't that easy?

    That's how they do it in Dixie.


    Monday, October 3, 2011

    Flying Your Gazebos at 75 MPH

    Sunroofs. Those wonderful holes in the roof of your car that can turn a 100 degree day into a mere 95 degree day in a matter of seconds - shooting a jet stream of hot air through your car that could fry eggs on the center console. I am not too big a fan of sunroofs. Sure, they are nice to have sometimes, but the risk of leaking rain like a keg of beer at a Frat party and, when it's not raining, whistling the theme to The Andy Griffith Show  while cruising the nearest interstate make sunroofs as useless as tits on a boar hog, in my opinion.

    CAUTION: Do Not Use for Gazebo Exposure!
    BUT! There is a guy in Florida who has found a groovy new way to utilize the sunroof of his buddy's car - by yanking down his pants, exposing his gazebos to passersby and pretend to be "slappin' his monkey", if you know what I mean and I think you do. Well, the lad in Florida felt the urge to let the rush of fresh air to his gazebos while hauling ass down the highway, but his timing, shall we say, sucked. The car next to to Air on the Gazebos Boy was occupied by an off duty Police officer and his family! i would have pulled out my 44 Auto Mag and blown said gazebos into Kingdom Come, but the nice cop did what had to do which was to call the local authorities. Soon Air to the Gazebos Boy and his friends were pulled over and AOTGB was arrested and charged with being a dumbass while showing his junk in public.

    In observing safety, a man should never expose his gazebos through a sunroof while going down a freeway. hae you ever seen the damage a rock thrown from the tire of an 18 wheeler can to do to a windshield? The mere thought of a rock like that striking you in the gazebos brings up pictures of a guy's manhood splattered on the car seat like a 'love bug" smashing into your windshield at 75 mph. Not a pretty sight. Do they make little motorcycle helmets for gazebos? I'm just askin'.

    We could go on abut the safety precautions you should employ when flashing your gazebos while traveling at high rate of speed, but the only one that works 100% of the time is Do not expose your gazebos while traveling at a high trate of speed! Got that?

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