Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Giant TV is a Giant Headache for Some New Yorkers : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Giant TV is a Giant Headache for Some New Yorkers

The Big Apple has a big TV problem. Big to the tune of a 6000 square foot digital TV on top of the Port Authority building, 8th Avenue and West 42nd Street. Residents of the neighborhood are, shall we say, a little miffed. No we shall not say "a little miffed", we shall say highly pissed off. Let me splain.

The Splainin'

The problem with this 6000 square foot behemoth is that it is turned on....24 hours a day, 7 days a week playing ADS for various businesses. During the nighttime hours, this thing must cast a helluva light around the area. According to the people who live near the giant TV say it keeps them up at night because of the pulsating lights emitted by the BFT (Big Fuckin' TV). You know how it is when a regular TV is on in a dark room of your house? The flashing and blinking as the shows and commercials change scenes and all that? It's almost as if a cop car is Code 3 right in your living room, lights and siren ablazin'. And that's from what, a 40 incher? Just think what 6000 square feet of LCD would do. It must look like the Apocalypse or some shit.

What Residents Say

One funky old dude offers us this: "It's flashing, flashing, flashing all the time, like lightning or having the paparazzi chasing you in your living room," said Wilmer Hernandez, 74, a 40-year resident of the neighborhood. My cats don't know what's happening. They're jumping around and looking all over the place trying to figure out where the light's coming from. It's funny, but it's not funny." Oh, yeah, fucking hilarious. If you want teh funnay, Wilmer, get your cats loaded just about dusk, then sit back, grab a cold beer and enjoy the entertainment. You'll be amazed at what a feline on catnip will do. Imagine Bobcat Goldwaithe on acid. Get the picture? It's hours of fun and except for the cost of the catnip, it's FREE, too!

The Other Rest of the Story

In all fairness, the Port Authority does dim the BFT by 40% at night as to not cause too much commotion. But, there is one small problem with that plan. It's a 6000 fucking square foot TV, you axlerods! What the hell are you dumbasses thinking? Good old Wilmer the Funky Old Dude and his cats, not to mention other residents in the area, are losing sleep, dealing with the flashing of the BFT's screen and their animals are going ape shit. Can't some sort of compromise be reached? Speaking of compromises, I just happen to have the foundation for one. It should appease the PA and the folks who live near the BFT. Why not turn the BFT off at 11pm or midnight and crank that bitch back up at, say, 6am. That way people can get some shut eye and the Port Authority could still flash their annoying ads. See how easy that was? I'm a Dumbass and came up with that. Couldn't you assholes at the PA have done something like that a long time ago? No! Because you are uncaring bastards who don't give a shit about people! Especially good ole Wilmer

The Wrap-Up

I know this is New York City we're talking about here, but what dipshit in his right mind is gonna see an ad for Peter Pan Bus Lines (an actual client of the BFT) at 2am and say, "Ya know, Honey, I was just thinking how much we need to get away from the Rat Race and the noise and pollution of the City. So, first thing at the crack of noon tomorrow, I'm gonna call Peter Pan Bus Lines can do for us!" It ain't happenin'.

My suggestion to the Port Authority is to come up with a plan like I outlined above or face the wrath of Wilmer, his cats and other pissed off Yankees. This is not a good thing. Also, it would be a terrible thing if Wilmer or one of his neighbors bought a 12 gauge shotgun and it were to "accidently" discharge eighteen or twenty times while aimed, unintentionally, at the BFT. But that would never happen, <snort> this is NYC, the city that never sleeps. Especially when there's a 6000 square foot TV playing at all hours.


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