Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: A Dumbass Wife's Birthday! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Monday, December 12, 2011

A Dumbass Wife's Birthday!

Heather in 64 Years
First of all, let me apologize to you for the late post. I have been doing stuff that this time of year. You know what I mean, I started drinking again. Heavily. Thanks to my Dumbass Wife. Here's the down low.

The Down Low

As I said, I accompanied my wife shopping today. All. Day. Long. The women reading this will say, "You deserve it, you son of a motherless goat". And that's one of the nicer things they say. The men are thinking, "You poor sumbitch, you should have stayed single." Then they drink heavily thinking of the day that they too will be in my position....married. With young children (4 & 9; both girls). And like me, 55 years old. Now who's the poor sumbitch boys? You have all this to look forward too. Poor sumbitches. bwahahaha!

The Real Reason for This Post

Today is my wife's birthday. She is 36 years old, 19 years younger than me. Even though I'm so much older than she is, she's too old for me. I'd rather have two eighteen year old Swedish Bikini Team Members as "wives". Preferably lesbians. After all, 18 + 18= 36. And the lesbian part is a YouTube sensation waiting to happen. So the shit works out right.

On the real side though, my wife is a good woman, a great wife and Mother, outstanding cook and she's the shiznit in the sack. But I just can't get over that Swedish Bikini Team thing up there ^^^^^. But, I digress. In spite of all these outstanding qualities my wife, Heather, possesses, God bless her, she ain't the biggest catfish on the trot line, IYKWIMAITYD. (Yankees and Californians may want to Google the term "trot line". No, it's not pornographic you fucking asswipes.)

Here's an example of how, shall we say, slow my wife is. No, let's not say "slow", let's say "dumbass". One time I told her that I wanted to watch Monday Night Football. She asked me what night it was on! See? Then there was the time several years ago that I needed to get hammered. She brought me a ball peen jobby. Even though Heather is a dumbass, she has put up with me for the last seven years, which further proves my point! If the poor woman had dynamite for brains, she couldn't blow her nose. Capice?

On the Real Side

I love Heather very much. She's stood by me when I thought even God had had enough of me. And believe you me, that's quite a job right there. She has given me two beautiful, smart, healthy little girls. She has, over the last seven years has filled a void in my life and a hole in my heart that I never expected to be filled. She has loved me when I didn't come close to deserving it more times than I can count. In spite of the fact that I am 2000 miles from my beloved Texas, Maine is now my home and I'll probably spend the rest of my life here. And I shall do so without reservation. The reason for that is simple. Her name is Heather. Without her I wouldn't be the Dumbass I am today. I love you Heather. Happy birthday.

Dumbass. :)


  1. Your tugging at my heartstrings dude like when I watch those weepy soap opera's and think its a shame Susan Lucci didn't win an Emmy until after being nominated 19 different times. You've won an Emmy the first time around for your performance on "As the realdumbass world turns".

  2. I'd like to thank all the little people....


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