Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: January 2011 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Monday, January 31, 2011

Mile High Dumbasses!

Homeless Guy Condo
Today on Dumbass News we have a rare treat for you. Hold on to your hats because today we have for your reading pleasure a Dumbass Daily Double! Yes, friends, today's post has twice the dumbassery as your regular Dumbass News post, with twice the hilarity! Since today is Monday, this is doubly exciting! So grab that cup of coffee and brace yourself for all the bullshit fun, froth and frivolity of a Dumbass Daily Double!

Today's foray into the World of Dumbass takes place in the Mile High City of Denver, Colorado. A dumbass who shall remain nameless (Terry Bannick) is a man without a home...other than his Ford truck, which is a lot better than other homeless dumbasses. Not that all homeless people are dumbasses, but the homeless do have their share of dumbasses just like the homed (?) population. But, I digress. So, Terry the Homeless Dumbass is asleep in the back of his truck, which has a camper shell on it by the way, or as it is known in the homeless community, a "condo", when all of the sudden he hears the motor of his truck come to life! Horror of horrors, another dumbass was stealing Terry's condo truck! Terry had left the keys to his truck in the ignition! Anyway, Terry calls the cops on his cell phone to report the theft of his truck, but because he's in the camper shell part of the truck, he can't pinpoint his location so the local fuzz can help him out. meanwhile Dumbass #2, the truck thief, was ignoring Terry as he (Terry) told him (Dumbass #2) that he was on the phone with the cops. Dumbass #2 is finally busted when the truck runs out of gas, Terry is saved and the homeless in Denver rejoice. The truck thief was charged with auto theft and, as if you hadn't guessed by now, possession of marijuana. Who'd have thunk it? A thief busted doing something dumbass while in possession of a controlled substance. Terry was charged with being a dumbass living in the camper shell on his truck and a homeless dipshit for possessing a cell phone. I made that part up.

All's well that ends well, they say. Terry gets to keep his cell phone and his "condo", the stoned bad guy dumbass is in the Denver County Crossbar Hilton and the homeless population of the Mile High City has a new Homeless Hero in Terry the Dumbass. The End.

Dumbasses.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Tax the Bicycles Says NJ Dem: She Changes Her Mind

Somebody's Grandma; The Whole State's Dumbass
Here we are in what is arguably the worst economic period in the United States since the Great Depression. Liberals, like the Dipshit in Chief, do what they do every time the economy turns even the least bit sour. They yell from the highest mountain top for higher taxes, especially on the rich. Despite having been proved a fallacy every time it's been tried, Liberals continue to scream for more taxes. Sometimes, they refer to a new tax as a "fee". It's still a damned tax, dumbass! The latest liberal asswipe to want to confiscate more of your money is a Democrat (go figure) from New Jersey (go figure again) named Cleopatra Tucker of Essex, NJ.

Cleo's briiliant idea is to tax bicycle riders by having them register their bikes! Now she wants the government to issue license plates for bikes! Wait a minute, this gets even better. Cleo's reasoning for taxing your bike? This is Double Barrel Dumbass, folks. Cleo wants to tax your bike in order to make the streets safer for old people! What a dumbass! “My goal was to at least begin a discussion of how best to protect elderly pedestrians. No idea is perfect, but protecting elderly pedestrians deserves attention,” said Tucker. Dumbasspatra said that several old folks had called her office to complain about being knocked over by bike riders. Bullshit. Anyway, in Cleo's mind taxing the bike is going to make it safe for the old folks of New Jersey to hobble down the street! What. The. Fuck? If an old guy gets knocked on his ass by a bicyclist, two things come to mind. One, he's senile and is walking in the street or two, the bike rider is riding on the sidewalk and breaking an existing law. Oh, I apologize. I simply forgot how taxing and registering cars has virtually eliminated auto accidents. How stupid of me. I'm sure that police officers all over Jersey would be on the lookout for a six year old without a state-approved license plate on his bike. I mean, the cops don't have a single more important thing to do than bust bike registration scofflaws. I am getting a headache.

After being called everything but a Child of God for the last week, Cleodumbasstra Tucker decided that maybe her idea wasn't such a good idea. Ya think? Now bicyclists all over New Jersey are free to run over senior citizens at will once again and then Cleo baby will again call for some kind of tax to keep seniors safe from the menacing hordes of New Jersey bike riders. I have an idea, why tax the bikes when you can tax the old people! I'm sure there are more old people than bikes in NJ, so the revenue generated by thjis type of law would solve every conceivable economic problem in New Jersey.Tax 'em enough and they'll all become shut-ins, thus keeping them safe from those evil bicyclists. And if a little old lady strolls on the sidewalk, she does so at her own risk and she's fair game for the next Schwinn zooming by! That makes as much sens as anything Cleopatra Tucker has proposed. Dumbass.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Dumbasses in Washington State Are Getting Younger

Ever heard of one of these, dumbass?
Is 15 years old too young to be a dumbass? Not on this blog it ain't. At 15, young people have accrued enough life experience to know right from wrong in most situations. Now, doing the right thing is an entirely different matter. A 15 year old in Port Orchard, Washington recently found herself in a situation in which she knew the right thing to do, but acted the dumbass instead. Let me 'splain.

The girl was walking to school and found herself running late. Nothing out of line there. But!, for some unknown reason, she called the Police and told them about having been attacked by a stranger. Problem is, the story was a lie. The girl went on to tell the cops that she was accosted , a sheet put around her head and her attacker dragged her into some nearby bushes. She also told the heat that she escaped by slipping out of her backpack. So young to be a dumbass.

The cops searched the area, found no evidence that anything like the girl described had happened. Their suspicions were confirmed when they further questioned the little dumbass and she admitted that she made the whole thing up. She even had a dandy reason for pulling such a dumbass stunt. She was running late for school. See why I have no qualms about calling this young lady a dumbass? You don't? Maybe this will sway your opinion. By filing this false report, the 15 year old dumbass tied up the services of eighteen police officers, some on overtime, and caused nearby schools to go on lockdown! See? She's a dumbass. Except now she's a dumbass in Juvenile Detention. Amen.

Now if somebody would just buy this kid an alarm clock so she won't be late to school. Or better yet, how about her parents taking some sort of action to make sure she gets to school on time, not to mention take some sort of responsibility for the kid's actions due to an apparent lack of supervision? Dumbasses.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Dumbass Canuck Takes Life-Size Dolls on Trips Around the World!

Mrs. Dumbass & Friends
As you know, I live in Maine, which is very close to Canada. Nova Scotia is a Canadian Province in extreme eastern Canada. Since Maine is in the extreme eastern USA, it is a close neighbor to Nova Scotia. I just hope the wind doesn't blow from east to west, because there are some seriously deranged individuals in Nova Scotia, and here in Maine, we don't need any airborne foreign dumbass virus carried by the wind into this fine, if Yankee, state.

Case in point. Canadian dumbass Dave Hockey ( the perfect Canadian name, Hockey) lives in Nova Scotia with his wife and fourteen life-size dolls! Now ain't that cozy? Good ole Dave even takes his dolls places like Niagra Falls, Stonehenge and the Grand Canyon. It may be just me, but does anyone else think that Dave's an ice brick shy of an igloo? Oh, but wait! There's more! Dave even takes his dolls sky diving, horseback riding and motorcycling. There's a thousand one-liners waiting to be tossed in at this point of our story, and I'll be damned if I can think of even one! I mean we've got dumbass, Hockey, puck, an almost endless list and I draw a blank! Hockey told the Daily Mirror, eh?, (all Canadian newspapers end in "eh". It's a national law or something, dave told the paper, "My wife understands it is a hobby. She isn't threatened by the dolls. She knows I'm not going to run off with an 80-pound piece of silicone shaped like a woman," Hockey said. Oh, hell no! Dave wouldn't run off with an 80 pound piece of silicone, he just takes them around the world! Dave, you, dumbass, lay off the Molson's, bro, it's eating away at what gray matter you have left.


Dave and other dumbasses like him, Canadian or not, who like these life-size dolls are called iDollators and it just so happens that Dave is making a doll-cumentary (I just made up that word) about himself and the other jack wagons that "play" with these dolls. I've gotta say right here that I understand why Dave is making his little film. He has to recoup some of the cash he's invested in these damn dolls. They cost as much as thirty-two hundred dollars EACH and it cost thousands more to "clothe" them. Dave insists that he is different from other iDollators, "Some iDollators prefer their dolls over a normal human relationship. But for me they're just dolls," he said. Lemmee get  this straight. On the low end, he has spent over $14,000 on dolls and thousands more on clothes for them. Dave, I think that is just a little more than "they are just dolls". Dumbass. Dave must be loaded with dough. that's the only reason his wife stays with this idiot. Either that, or she's a butt ugly dumbass, too. The mind boggles. Dumbasses.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Attack of The Lady Who Has to Pee

Assault Weapon and Dinner, too
For those of you who are newcomers to Dumbass News, you may not know that I am a fisherman and a damn good one, too. Fish.Fear.Me. So, when a story is Dumbass News- worthy, I jump on that sucker like a duck on a June bug. And guess what? I found a fishing story that is Dumbass News-worthy!

In the winter, many residents of the northern half of the country don't let frozen streams and lakes deter them from getting in a little fishing. They just get an auger and drill a hole into the iced up body of water, drop a line in that sucker and get after it.  Such is the case of a woman and two men who were recently ice fishing. One of the Cardinal sins of fishing is to not invade another fisherman's space by fishing in the immediate area he is fishing in or to fish too closely to him. It's just common courtesy, but if that rule is broken, it could led to unpleasant  consequences like a shouting match, fisticuffs or worse. Like being assaulted with a trout. What???!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if you fish too close to another fisherman, he/she just might slap you upside the head with a fish. Fishermen are a serious bunch about their fishing hole being intruded upon. For example, a lady in Michigan was ice fishing when she felt her fishing hole was intruded upon by two men. This is where the dumbassery begins. The lady walked over to the men and asked them to turn their heads while she tinkled on the ice. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go and when you're fishing, the world is your outhouse. Not that I would personally know these things <coughbullshitcough>, but when Nature calls, you've got to do something. But, I digress. The lady tells these two guys she's gotta pee. The guys turned around as the dumbass lady requested, then she goes full tilt boogie bat shit crazy and smacks the two guys about the head and shoulders and the upper extremities of their bodies with a fish! I told you that fishermen are a serious bunch when it comes to "protecting" their fishing spot.

The cops were called and it was determined that the dumbass fishing lady was pissed off because, in her opinion, the two guys had put their shanty (portable ice fishing hut) too close to hers and she felt that a flagrant fishing felony was within the unwritten laws of fishing, so she bashed them with a bass. There's a small matter that we haven't discussed yet. We know that the two guys called the the fuzz and after being pummeled by a pissed off piscatorial perpetrator, these two dumbasses refused to press charges! Holy mackerel! What a couple of pansies.

I wanted to come up with a witty ending to this post, but I am drawing a blank. All I can say is that when you go fishing, be a good sport and don't fish too close to the other guy. It's really rude and
some folks, like the dumbass lady in the story, get a touch peeved when that happens. Besides, you never know if the other guy is packing a concealed catfish and he's willing to use it. I'm just sayin'. Dumbasses.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I Hear the train a'comin', It's rollin' round the bend...

The sheer volume of dumbass things the human race  is capable of doing is kind of like a number line in math class; there is no end. Ad infinitum, into infinity it goes. 2011 is only twenty-four days old and already we've got probably a dozen candidates for Dumbass of the Year. It never ceases to amaze me and it makes for an endless supply of material for this blog. Thanks, dumbasses!

For the sheer danger quotient of the video you'll see in a minute, it's an incredible sight to see. That same risk factor, however, proves that the young man in the clip is an honest to goodness dumbass. No questions asked. End of story.
This guy is certifiable. He did this for a thrill? For attention? What else could it be for? He lost a bet to his buddy? I am seriously at a loss. I guess the thing that worries me most about this stunt is that the dumbass survived! His survival virtually ensures that this shit for brains will some day procreate! This must not be allowed to happen! His progeny in the gene pool also ensures an endless supply of dumbasses for generations to come. On the bright side, I know of a way that we can prevent this man from ever making a single baby! Yes, friends, not only am I the Head Dumbass here, I am the resident Fearless Leader. That's why I make the big bucks. Anyway, the solution to this man ever making a baby with a woman, or a test tube for that matter, is right in front of our faces. It's so simple, it's pure genius. Get one of this guy's friends to go with him when he wants to do this stunt again and have the dumbass lay across the train tracks! Train roars by. Dumbass cut into three or more pieces. No little dumbasses running around! Is that brilliant or what? I amaze even myself sometimes.

I urge you not to try this at home, unless you are a dumbass who plans on having children. Then, by all means, give it a whirl. But remember, the trick is to lay across the tracks. Any dumbass can let the train pass right over them without risk of injury. You non-dumbasses will thank me later.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Hair Today, Dumbass Tomorrow

Leila's mattress stuffing
To borrow a phrase from Jim Morrison, people are strange. And strange people do strange things, like collectfingernails, for example. I'm not making that up. I can tell you I wish I was making up the story you are about to read, alas, I am not.

Independence, Missouri is well-known as the home of President Harry S. Truman, right? Now there's a lady in Independence that is out to steal a little of Give 'em hell Harry's thunder. You wonder, how could a regular lady horn in on the spotlight of a former President of the United States? The answer is easy. The lady is a dumbass and dumbasses get publicity like Michael Moore swallows cheeseburgers.

The dumbass in question is Leila Cohoon whose hobby is collecting hair. Yep. Hair. Not just any ordinary hair, but hair from famous people. Oddly enough, Leila is a former hairdresser. Go figure. Leila's collection of famous hair includes locks from George Washington, Abe Lincoln, Marilyn Monroe and Elvis. It gets weirder. Leila also has a nice selection of jewelry and wreaths made from human hair. This woman needs help. Right now. I offer further proof that Leila is a dumbass. She said this, on TV no less(!), "I love every piece I get," she said. "I sit down and study them with a magnifying glass." She forgot to mention that she also has a bottle of Jack Daniels handy while studying the hair of famous people. OK, I made the Jack Daniels part up. Ladies, can you imagine that you see one of your friends whom you haven't seen in a while and she says, "Hi, Susie! Want to see my hair earrings? And I have this hair wreath on my front door that is to die for?" After the nausea subsides, wouldn't you haul ass in the opposite direction? Then have a shot or six of some J D? Hell, I've finished off half a gallon just writing this stuff! OK, I made that part up, too. But it sounds like a great idea! And I don't even drink! I may start again though, after writing about Leila the hair-collecting dumbass.

Just thought I'd throw this story out there and see what kind of reaction it got. I know that you are dieing to make comments with dumbass hair-collecting puns in them, so feel free to do so. I look forward to them. Any hair-collection comments that have dandruff will be deleted. hahahahahahahaha

Leila may be a nice grandmotherly lady but she's gotta cut it out with the hair. hahahahahahaha again. Dumbass.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Automobile With $425,000 in Pot on Board Gets Carjacked

The Herb Superb
Boy, have I got a doozy of a dumbass story for you today. If the dumbass were any thicker in this story, you could cut it with a knife. So, let's get to slicin'.

A man and a woman recently took off from Utah heading across the country to North Carolina. However, this was no ordinary cross country cruise. On the leg of their trip that found them in Wyoming, the couple was carjacked by three men in a red SUV. "That's terrible!," you're thinking. Yes and no. It's terrible that the two were carjacked, but not as terrible as you might suspect. You see, our two lovers were hauling over $425,000 worth of pot from Utah to North Carolina. Not only did they get carjacked, but almost a half million dollars worth of pot was stolen along with their car! Dumbasses. This constitutes a bad day if you are a drug dealer. Totin' over four hundred "large" worth of weed for over 2000 miles is stupid enough, but when you get carjacked and your Latin Lettuce is taken, too, we are getting dangerously close to dumbass territory. One would think that having been the victim of this crime and somebody's very large cargo of chronic is stolen from you, it seems like this might be a good time to thank God that you are alive, despite being more stupid than a rat's asshole, cut your losses and get as far away as possible from the guy who entrusted you with $425,000 worth of Meskin Marlboros. The Pot Guy just might be a smidgen miffed when he's told his pot has been stolen from his trustworthy couriers. Why he might even be mad enough to, oh, I don't know, KILL SOMEONE!!! When the Pot Guy finds out that you called the Police to report the carjacking, I've got this sneaky suspicion that he'll become even more unhinged over this turn of events.

Have you ever noticed when reading about or watching one of those cop shows, that only dumbasses haul large quantities of drugs around? I mean aside from the fact that hauling large amounts of contraband is a dumbass thing to do anyway. These two dumbasses got carjacked, but I have read a hundred times that so many of these losers get pulled over for the most minor of offenses - not using a turn signal, a brake light is out, speeding...you get the idea. But the two dumbass pot haulers in this story get carjacked, lose the pot to the other bad guys and call the cops to report the carjacking, never once (apparently) thinking that the cops might find over $400,000 worth of ganja is their car? The couple and one of the other bad guys were arrested and put in a Wyoming jail.

This has to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard in my life. I'm sitting here as I type this, still wondering what. the. fuck.?! These two goofballs give even drug runners a bad name. Dumbasses.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Little D is Run By the Big D A's

A Once Proud City is in Shambles
Detroit. Motown. Motor City. Dumbass-ville. This is one of the most crime-ridden cities in America, with an unemployment rate of about 82% (that's a slight exaggeration) , infrastructure crumbling all around the place, some of the crookedest bastards in the world holding elective office (Marsha Conyers the former big politico is in the slammer as we speak for corruption as is the former Mayor), the automobile industry is going to hell as the UAW runs General Motors now and the United States Gubmint, under the steady hand of President Obama (you can stop laughing now) keeps pumping billions upon billions of your tax dollars to keep the same crooked bastards running Detroit in power and the corrupt bastards who stay in power screw the average citizen in Detroit like a fucking Black and Decker power drill.

Then today I learned that the city sent out incorrect property tax bills, not once but twice! Twice the dumbasses! The City sent out incorrect property tax bills to 60,000 homeowners and none at all to thousands more homeowners. Throwing a little more gas on the fire, another 58,000 tax statements were sent out in November. Those statements underestimated the amount of property tax due the City of Detroit. Knowing all this, there is absolutely no underestimating the depth of dumbass in the dipshits runnimng the city. The Detroit Free Press said it had received over 2000 phone calls from pissed off people who paid the tax amount stated on the November statements, only to find out later that they still owed taxes! "We whine that we're broke, but we can't get the tax bills correct?" ombudsman Durene Brown asked. "What's wrong with this picture? People could lose their homes over this."The rest of the article from UPI reads thusly, The deadline to pay city taxes is Wednesday, but thousands of residents still have received no bill, Brown said. "In all of the years I've lived in Detroit, this is the first time I didn't get a bill," said Mark Janusch, 63. "You'd think the city, with all of its financial problems, would jump at the chance to collect property taxes."  Don't worry, Mr. Janusch, the stupid fucks running Detroit will make up for their screw ups by raising taxes on everyone to offset the discrepancy. That's how liberals do business. Dumbasses.

And the fuckers of mothers in power will be stand by with a stop watch to repo your house if you are a little late in paying your property taxes. The citizens of Detroit should keep throwing the dumbasses out office until they get the city government they are entitled to. A once proud city is a mere shell of it's former self thanks to their elected represenatives and their cronies. Grow a pair, Detroit! Those sons of motherless goats work for you, not you for them! So fuck them. Dumbasses.

Get Your Dumbass Newspaper Headlines Here!

It's the weekend and time for some fun, so let's traverse the country east to west and north to south in search of stupid newspaper headlines! And where else on God's Green Earth can you find more stupid shit than on Dumbass News? Nowhere, that's where? In that Good Ole Dumbass Tradition, let's get to those headlines from Hell! Remember, these are actual newspaper headlines from actual newspapers in the actual USA.

Headline: 5th-Graders Get to Grill Lions (Detroit Free Press, Friday Jan 27, 2006)
DN: I hear it tastes like chicken.

Headline: Autos killing 110 a Day; Let's Resolve to do Better
DN: Hell yeah! Bring on a big, gas guzzlin' Hummer or something and get to frakkin' mowing down some people! Dumbasses.

Headline: Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad she Hasn't Seen in Years
DN: What would the headline be if she was deaf? "Deaf Woman Gets Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Heard from in Years"? Maroons.

Headline: Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday
DN: No shit, Sherlock! Rot in Hell. Dumbass.

Headline: Dr. Ruth to Talk about Sex with Newspaper Editors
DN: When told of this little encounter, the editors said,  "What???!!!"

Headline: Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
DN: In Oklahoma, that's called "Tough Love". I'm just sayin'.

And last but not least...

Headline: Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
DN: In Texas, that's  called "Tough Love".

It's so comforting to know that we have the best and brightest from the most prestigious journalism schools in the United States manning our press these days. I could go to the local high school (Go Rams!) and pick out ten kids at random to put out a better product than the Liberal dickweeds running newspapers today. Dumbasses.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Drunk Canadian Proves That I am a Dumbass

Canadian Barley Pop
I get a big kick out of our Canadians friends when one of them pulls a stunt that's dumbass-worthy. In Canada, that's quite a feat because those hosers know how to do two things extremely well - drink and smoke pot. I don't say that in a negative way, a few years ago I would've fit right in with them. Besides, I don't have a passport and I'd need one to get across the border. Once I get a passport, I'd feel compelled do some serious "research" into the drunk and stoned Canadian Community. It's a tough job, but etc, etc, etc. I wonder if I could write it off as a business expense? I'd be drunk/baked blogging about my "research". "Research" like this could take two, three, maybe 5 years of unending drinking and smoking pot to come to a indisputable conclusion regarding the drunk and stoned Canadian Community. But, that's a risk Id be willing to take as long as it benefited the "scientific" community.

Now, let's get down to brass tacks. Until recently, Joshua Atkinson was just an ordinary drunk and stoned dumbass Canadian. But, my main man Jon ratcheted up the dumbass to new, never-before-seen levels, even for a Canadian dumbass. On December 30, Jon got plastered and did the right thing and called a taxi ti take him home. Then, he fell asleep in the cab because he was so lit. The cops were called, Jonathon  was arrested and the streets of Point Edward, Ontario were safe from one more drunk/stoned Canadian. This offense is an everyday Canadian dumbass occurrence so it's not really worth getting worked up over. You'll be happy to know that Jon was not about to let his fellow drunk/stoned Canadian mates down.  only was Jon Boy put in the slammer 60 days, he missed his own wedding due to his incarceration! Jonny, dumbasses everywhere salute you for sticking to your drunk/stoned Canadian principles and missing out of what could have been the worst mistake of your life! No, dumbass, not for getting a 60 day jail term, but for getting a 60 day jail term and missing your own wedding!  Fuckin' A genius! I never missed one of my weddings by getting drunk/stoned and arrested. I had to get hammered to just show up at the wedding! Now that I think about it, I don't know who's the bigger dumbass, me or Jon. Him for missing his wedding or me for showing up to mine. Now, I'm depressed. I don't drink, but I need a beer. Dumbass.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Lizzie Borden Took an Axe....

Lizzie Borden
I'm sure that you know the story of Lizzie Borden. For those of you who are not familiar with the story, it goes something like this: In 1892, a man and his wife were brutally murdered by someone using an axe. The suspect in the crime was the daughter of the man who was chopped up like corned beef. Her name was Lizzie Borden. This was a sensational case in those days and it captivated the people of Salem, Massachusetts as well as folks all over the country. There was even a poem about this horrific crime - Lizzie Borden took an axe, gave her father 40 whacks...when she saw what she had done, she gave her mother 41. Lizzie was acquitted at trial, but the controversy of her guilt, or lack thereof, has been a source nof debate for over 100 years.

Like any good tragedy, there was and still is, a cottage industry of Lizzie Borden stuff. As a matter of fact, until a month ago, some dumbass in Salem ran a Lizzie Borden Museum right in the house where the murders took place! I could understand doing this sort of thing if this were a crime that involved an important person, like Abe Lincoln and Ford's Theatre, but this shit is just sick. Making a buck off a double murder like this one, is akin to OJ Simpson buying and making a museum of the home in which Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman were slaughtered. As a side note, the authorities are still looking for the "real killers" in both cases. Unfortunately, Lizzie is in Hell and OJ is a prison bitch to Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams. But...I digress.

As for the dumbass that ran the Lizzie Borden Museum, I, for one, am thrilled that you couldn't keep the place open. Profiting from such a barbaric act as the one that was committed on that day in 1892 shows what a worthless, you are breathing my air douchebag you are. You live in Salem for God's sake! Make money off of something to do with the Salem Witch Trials. At least that was a historically relevant event and a business telling that story would be of some socially redeeming value. Until you can do something for the good of your community, shove that Lizzie Borden house up your anal cavity...with the fireplace lit, you dumbass.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Lady Caught Stealing From Dead Boyfriend! !

For our Dumbass of the Day on this Thursday morning, we travel once again to the Sunshine State, where the sunshine is evidently rich in vitamin D - D for dumbass. A dumbass lady who lives in the Florida panhandle town of Milton, has been charged with Grand Theft after she wrote a check for $1000 from her boyfriend's bank account. Her DEAD boyfriend's bank account. Talk about your penalty for early withdrawal!

The dumbass bimbo who perpetrated this outrageous crime is named Teresa. Teresa's boyfriend died last February and being the dutiful "significant other" that she is, Teresa paid for the guy's funeral, some outstanding bills, property taxes and to get her car repaired. From his bank account! Not that the boyfriend was complaining, being dead and all, but Teresa , faithful gal that she was, took care of all these expenses to the tune of $23,470 with forged checks. Teresa may be dutiful and faithful, but, boy is she a dumbass. It was the aforementioned $1000 check that got her busted. When confronted by the police, Teresa told them that she was "so scatterbrained" that she accidently put an extra zero on the amount the check was written for. The cops, as you can imagine, had some doubts as to the veracity of her claims. In other words, one cop said to the other, "This is one dumbass woman". The other cop replied, "Yep" and they arrested Teresa for Grand Theft and being a dumbass without a license.

Maybe one of you Bible scholars out there can put me some knowledge. Ain't there a Commandment or something in the Good Book about stealing from the dead? If there's not, there ought to be. I think I'll have to get on the phone with the Pope later today and lay down the smack about robbing the dearly departed and what in the name of all that is Holy can we do about this kind of thing. Can we "create" a Special Place in Hell where you have to listen to Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber for eternity? Barring that, this dumbass broad could be given a job in Washington, D.C. as a salesperson for ObamaCare. Now that's a fate worse than death or The Joy Behar Show played on a continuous loop til the end of time. My advice to this pea brained amoeba is to seek salvation ASAP. Some fates are worse than death, Miley and Justin rolled into one, but NOTHING is worse than that Godless skank and all around vile bitch Joy Behar. NOTHING.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Monongahela River Consumes Man's Gazebos!

Many a man has lost his gazebos in this river
Let's play Pick the Dumbass! Pick the Dumbass has been voted the Internet's Most Popular User Participation Game by dumbasses across the globe! The object of Pick the Dumbass is to read the story below, and decide which person in the story is the dumbass. Be careful though, there could be more than one dumbass in the story, but we are looking for the biggest dumbass in it. You also have the option of changing your dumbass pick at any time before I reveal the answer after the story. Ready to play? OK, heeeeeeere we go!

A couple, Judy and Adam, in Pittsburgh, PA recently exchanged their wedding vows while on a water taxi in the Monongahela River. That's kind of cool, don't you think? Speaking of cool, cool as in 37 degrees, the young couple then jumped into the 37 degree water of the Monongahela! This ceremony, diving included, was to symbolize taking the plunge together into the future. I'm no Sylvia Browne, so I'm not hip to seeing into the future, but I have a fairly solid grip on "now" and "now" tells me that we are dealing with two dumbasses here. No symbolism necessary. Our DumbassCicles took the dive as part of the Pittsburgh Polar Bear Club's Annual Freeze Your Gazebos Off Day By Jumping Into 37 Degree River Water Festival. I just hope the groom has Gazebo Insurance because after jumping into 37 degree water, the dude's gazebos said AMF! (Adios Mother F*cker) I hope his new bride is OK with the thought of not having children, because her Old Man ain't got a gazebo to call his own. Science tells me no gazebos, no procreation. What a dumbass. Did Mr. and Mrs. Ima Dumbass not even consider, oh, I don't know, jumping into a hot tub(!) instead of the damn near frozen river? Then again, we are talking about Pittsburgh here. I mean these people root for the Steelers for God's sake. If willingly getting married, jumping into an almost frozen river and rooting for the Steelers ain't doublin' down on the dumbass, I don't know what is.

That's our story for the day, ladies and gentlemen, and now it's time to figure out who's the biggest dumbass. Could it be Judy, the bride? After all, she did get married, but women like all that married stuf, so Judy isn't the dumbass of the story, even though she jumped into a freezer of a river. That brings us to Adam, what I said about Judy also applies to Adam. He, too, got married and jumped into the Monongahela risking his gazebos on the way, but he's not the biggest dumbass in the our tale today. OK, who's left to be the dumbass then? Me? I agree, I am a dumbass for writing this crap, but I ain't the biggest dumbass either. That leaves YOU because you read this tripe all the way through. Dumbass. And I say that with love.  :)

Monday, January 17, 2011

Florida Dumbass Performs Panty Pilfering Persistently

This is not what Ernie was stealing.
Every once in a great while, a dumbass has the best of intentions but things go awry anyway. Ernest Kendler of Holmes Beach, Florida is just such a dumbass.

Our man Ernie here was merely trying to re-live his college days of many years ago at Wattsamatta U by pulling a time-honored prank on his neighbors. Part of this time-honored prank included breaking into their house  In that house lived two lovely young Florida ladies who owned some typical lovely young Florida ladies panties. Ernie was secretly performing regular panty raids in the home of these lovely young Florida ladies for a number of years and had accrued quite a collection of lovely young Florida ladies panties, including 23 pairs of panties and 16 pairs of thong panties. Looks like ole Ernie likes to get his freak on. But, I digress. Other than that pesky breaking and entering thing, Ernie was just being a typical college kid doing what typical college kids do. Three things need to be said here. One: Ernie is not a college kid. And two: Ernie is 62 years old. Three: Ernie is a dirty, freaky old dumbass. I'm not going to speculate what Ernie was doing with all those lovely young Florida ladies unmentionables, but sniffing them and playing "Hide the Salami"while wearing the undies on Saturday night with another man come to mind right away. In San Francisco, this type of activity is called "Tuesday Night". In Florida, not so much, if you exclude Miami. Again, I digress. Ernie, who had been stealing the lovely young Florida ladies panties for years, was well on his way to the National Panty Stealing Hall of Fame when he was busted by one of the lovely young Florida ladies. The lovely young Florida lady came home unexpectedly and walked in on Ernie rifling through her sister's drawers looking for her sister's drawers.

Ernie was arrested and charged with all kinds of panty-stealing crimes, then released on $10,000 bond, after one of the lovely young Florida ladies ID'ed some of the pilfered panties as belonging to her and her sister. Ernie then lawyered-up with one of the most famous panty-stealing defense lawyers in the country, who told the press Ernie "looks forward to confronting and discrediting this evidence in court." Mark Lipinski, Ernie's lawyer, may be a great panty-stealing defense lawyer, but judging by his words to the media, he is also a dumbass. The famous panty-steling defense lawyer and Ernie make quite a, um, pair, don't they? As they say, birds of a feather are dumbasses together.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Scandi TV Guy Gets Fired for Not Drinking on the Air!

Scandi Guy Who Sounds Like Barry White
As the Head Dumbass In Charge, or HDIC, here at Dumbass News, the responsibility falls to me to pick out dumbasses from around the world who meet our low, nonexistent even, standards in order to be a "featured" dumbass on this blog. What you are about to read, I would expect from a place like Communist China, but never from a place like Finland, where the women are beautiful and the men are men and the reindeer are nervous. Some executive dumbasses (but I repeat myself) at a Finnish TV station fired a white guy who sounds a lot like Barry White from Kansas, in a Finnish kind of way, for drinking a beer on the air! And when you see the video of the alleged beer drinking, the guy was using an empty beer bottle! The beer bottle isn't the only empty thing in this story, some higher ups at the TV station have empty skulls and no frakkin' sense of humor. I knew that Finland was a socialist paradise, but this incident goes beyond the pale. Watch this clip and decide for yourself. First off, the report mentions "incompetent personnel" serving liquor to customers. You gotta be shittin' me! To serve booze in Finland, what makes you competent to do so? A Bachelor's Degree in beer pouring? Dumbasses.Oh, but the dumbass gets stronger in this fiasco. One serving per customer? WTF? You mean if I take my wife out for a beer, we both have to stand in line to be served separately? Do we have tip the bartender separately, too? Sounds like a Communist plot to overthrow the world to me. Scandi dumbasses. Anyway, back to Olaf or Sven or whatever the news anchor's name is. I watched the video three times and it looks like to me that Nils or Arne or whatever the news anchor's name is, is clearly joking about the story being aired at that time and the beer bottle was empty, except for the skits (read: backwash) at the bottom of the bottle. Being Finnish and all that, I have a sneaky feeling that ol' Sven the Barry White-sounding anchor guy just might be able to handle a bit more beer than just the skits in the bottle. But, that's just me. It's possible, I suppose that Olaf could've have been hammered before hitting the air waves, but he doesn't look or sound blasted to me. Besides, have you seen some of the commercials the Scandis run on TV? I am not going to link them, but if you wanna see how stupid and hypocritcal this deal is, Google them.

There is hope for Arne the Barry White-Sounding Finnish Guy! As a former Professional Drinker, I urge all you dumbasses, even if you don't drink Barley Pop, to unite behind Sven the Barry White-Sounding Scandi and demand that he be given his job back! There is a Facebook page set up for just such a thing. Join the masses in telling the Scandi TV Executives that they are dumbasses of the worst kind! And have a cold beer to show your outrage and support for Olaf the Barry White-Sounding White Guy!!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

If Your Kid Says "Yuck", He's a Raaaaacist!

Future Raaaaacist?
The dumbasses in London are at it again! England was once a World Power thanks to leaders like Winston Churchill and Maggie Thatcher. Since then, the island nation has been infested by Liberals, Socialists and Crybaby "Asians", not Orientals, but "Asians", and it finds itself on the fast track to Third World status, its freedoms swirling down the Toilet of Nanny Statehood. Following is an example of this fall from Grace.

The National Children's Bureau (Orwellian-sounding , isn't it?) released a 366 page report, I mean "guide", that shows adults how to recognize raaaaacist behavior in young children. Here. We. Go. The "guide" "warns adults that babies must also be included in the effort to eliminate racism because they have the ability to "recognize different people in their lives." Wait! There's more! "The bureau says to be aware of children who "react negatively to a culinary tradition other than their own by saying 'yuck'." 


This is directed at you new parents and all you parents to be. You'll want to take notes, so I'll take a smoke break and give you the time get a pen and paper. OK, I'm back. Are you ready? Write this down. If your toddler says "yuck" because he or she doesn't like his/her peas, your child is a raaaaacist. Remember, there are always five "a's" in raaaaacist. (That's worth noting, too) It is so because the National Children's Bureau has decreed it so. After all, they have your best interests and the best interests of your child at heart. Don't they? So the next time your kid says "yuck" about something he's eating, it is your solemn duty as a parent to say to him, 'Listen up, you little raaaaacist bastard! You have insulted at least one minority group and we'll not have that in this house! Eat the damn peas!" Now wasn't that easy? Your due diligence regarding this matter will have to be a daily, nay, constant reminder to your kid that "yucking" is raaaaacist and demeaning to a minority person somewhere in the world. I feel better now, don't you? Just think about it, your little bundle of joy is on his way to being a pussy just like the members of the National Children's Bureau! Now that the word "yuck" has been eliminated from the kid's vocabulary, he can react to food he dislikes by saying something like, 'Damn, Mom! This shit sucks swamp donkey gonads!" But at least the little darling will not be insulting a bunch of professional victims by saying that awful "y" word, piss be upon them.


Yuck! Dumbasses. 


(hat tip to breitbart.com,)

Friday, January 14, 2011

Don't Like the Sex of Your Baby? Abort it! (If You Are a Dumbass)

First, do no harm.
This story is about one of the hot-button issues of our time - abortion. Up front let me say that I am Catholic and I stand by the Church's position on abortion. However, this story, no matter your stance on the subject, is so disgusting and vile, that it has to be one of the worst examples of the abuse of this "right" (coughbullshitcough) that has ever made it to print. If I wrote a blog called Murders of the Year, the couple you are going to read about are the hands down winners and they have a special place in Hell reserved for them.

The two dumbasses in question recently lost a baby girl and decided to try again to conceive another baby hoping to "replace" the infant they lost. At this point, I would normally feel terrible for them at their horrific loss. After, learning what I did, however, I can only pray for the soul of the baby. The monsters that are her parents deserve no sympathy whatsoever beyond losing a precious child, which is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. The lady got pregnant again, this time with twin boys. One would expect that this would be a double blessing, but not to these Godless dumbasses. Instead of celebrating the miracle of life that was denied them before, the dumbass "parents" decided that they wanted a baby girl, not two baby boys. So what did they do? Like the vermin they are, they aborted the twin boys! They now seek to get a sex specific in vitro fertilization (IVF) in order to have a baby girl! 9Communist China, anyone?) Thank God, the Australian state of Victoria where they live, doesn't allow for such procedures under these circumstances. But guess what country does? You got it, red, white and blue breath. The United States of America! What. The. Fuck? But that's another story for another day. Just when you think it couldn't get any more vomit-inducing, it does. In steps the Australian Press Corps to make you heave even more. "According to the Herald-Sun newspaper of Melbourne, which interviewed the couple, the woman, who is in her thirties, is "consumed by grief over the daughter who died soon after birth" and admits she has "become obsessed with having a daughter and it has become vital to her psychological health." Obsessed with having a daughter? You think? The bitch needs to be obsessed with finding Jesus, like yesterday. The lady's husband, whom we'll call Assmaggot, chimed in with this beauty, "The husband told the newspaper that it was the couple's "right" to try this route. "It's ridiculous that sex selection is illegal, actually. For certain circumstances it should be legalized." I think that in certain circumstances a .45 shot to the skull should be legalized. I'll be available to do my part should this measure gain legislative approval in Victoria. It gets better, just watch. An Australian pioneer in IVF, Gab Kovacs, chimes in, "I can't see how it could possibly harm anyone," he said. "Laws should be made to protect people from things that are going to damage them. Why should we make this illegal? Who is this going to harm if this couple have their desire fulfilled?" Are. You. Kidding. Me? I always thought that if something displeases God, ain't nobody gonna be happy. I am inclined to think that the Almighty might, just might, mind you, find abortion a bit on the Offensive to God side of the aisle. But that's just me.

The author of the article piles on with this tripe, "Sex-selective abortions also take place in some places in the United States, though the vast majority of Americans reject the practice as unethical, and because the procedure is often used to destroy female fetuses and preserves males. That the Australia couple targeted their fetuses because they were boys certainly hasn't mollified American pro-life activists." Dude, find a state where assisted suicide is legal, I'll meet you there, asshole. Oh! And fuck you!

If you haven't eaten yet or have just eaten, you may want to wait to read this crap. Trust me on this one. If you want to read the whole article, click here.

I could go on, but I figured that these pieces of donkey shit people will have to face their maker some day and he won't be pleased, so I'll leave the rest of it to Him. Maybe these butt boils will seek redemption and forgiveness from God some day and He, in His infinite mercy, will welcome them into the fold. But I ain't God and they'll have to grow wings and fly to escape the scorn that I shall forever heap upon their worthless asses. Fuck them. Dumbasses.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

For Sale By Owner: The Sun

For Sale By Owner
One of the essential rules of economics is, regardless of what you intend to market, you've got to determine if there's a market for it. And damned if some dumbass lady in Spain didn't pick one of the most marketable products in the history of Man. The sun. Yup, that big bright yellow ball at the center of a our solar system. That sun.

Angeles Duran of the soggy Galicia region (which in Castillan Spanish means region of dumbasses) of Spain, went to a local notary public and registered El Sol as her own private property.This turn of events leads to several interesting preguntas (a little Espanol for you there). For instance, where did she get the deed to the sun? Is the deed to the sun one of those things Moses brought down with the Ten Commandments from Mount Sinai? Did God himself sign the deed over to Angeles the dumbass? And if He did, is Angeles the dumbass on hook for property taxes on the sun or did The Almighty sell it to her tax free? After a few billion years of owning the sun, did God just want to get a return on His investment? One other question is, what was the notary public drinking and/or smoking when he certified Angeles as the owner of the sun? Inquiring minds want to know. I have several more questions that come to mind, but they are borderline blasphemous, and I need to build up a little more credit with God, before I even think about asking them. Better safe than sorry, I always say.

My next question is more of the earthly nature. What the hell is this dumbass, Angeles, going to do with the sun now that she owns it? I bet you thought that was a rhetorical question, didn't you? Oh, hell no. Angeles the dumbass has it all figured out. According to an interview she conducted with El Mundo (The World), Angeles the dumbass owner of the sun said she now wants to slap a fee on everyone who uses the sun and give half of the proceeds to the Spanish government and 20 percent to the nation's pension fund. She would dedicate another 10 percent to research, another 10 percent to ending world hunger -- and would keep the remaining 10 percent herself. "It is time to start doing things the right way, if there is an idea for how to generate income and improve the economy and people's wellbeing, why not do it?" she asked. It's a relief to see that this dumbass is a Liberal. I know she's a Liberal because she no sooner gain ownership of the sun, than she wants to levy a tax on its use. Remember, fee = tax.

If Angeles the dumbass succeeds in this scam, I get dibs on air.

(hat tip to myfoxorlando.com)

Sunday, January 9, 2011

MEDICAL NOTE: I Flat Don't Feel Good

It's 5:00AM, EST and I just got home from the Emergency Room due to a health problem I thought I was taken care of a couple of years ago, but there has been a recurrence of said issue. I won't be blogging today (I don't think) as the ER Doctor hooked me up with some heavy duty meds which will probably keep me out of touch with reality for most, if not all, of the day. We shall see what we shall see.

I ask you to please scroll down the page to the "Blog Archives" gadget in the sidebar and take a trip down Memory Lane with some posts from the last 7 months. I'll try to gain a grip on sobriety when I wake up later today and post an update or something.

The medication is starting to kick in, so I am gonna hit the hay for a while.

Adios,
Toby

Cross-posted at Three States Plus One

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Dumbass Contractor Tears Down Wrong House!

This is one of those stories that come around every so often and it makes you go WTF? Watch the video, then I'll have my usual brilliant-for-a-dumbass insight, commentary,name-calling and finger-pointing. In other words, we'll get to the the fun stuff!

 To review...the guy had been doing some home improvement work on his home then went on vacation for a week. He comes back home to find his house is gone like yesterday and he is now the proud owner of a hay-covered lot. The house nextdoor was the one scheduled to be torn down. As Maxwell Smart would say, "Missed it by that much!" A couple of solutions come to mind. Solution No.1: buy a goat. Goats love hay. Solution No.2: Become the proud of of all the heavy equipment a man could ever want. To achieve this objective, the dude must retain counsel and sue the dumbass contractor into oblivion! Since goats are probably not aloowed in the city limits, suing the dumbass that wrongly demolished your home after being advised by the city in writing not to do so (!) seems to be the last remaining legal remedy the homewoner has. Kicking the contractor's ass from Pittsburgh to Philadelphia is the most satisfying, but felonious, retribution. And when the word "felony" and my (your,his,her) name are inexorably linked, I tend to calm down rather quickly and seek the less violent and less fun solution to the problem. I think the homeowner will take that path as well. If there are any construction-type readers out there in the Pittsburgh area, keep an eye on your local newsrag's classifieds. I have a sneaky feeling there will be a big sale on all sorts of stuff you need at reasonable prices very soon. There will also be less competition in your town because there will one less dumbass to bid against. And one brand spankin' new home to build for the poor man whose house was obliterated by a dumbass. Things could have been worse, though. The homeowner could have been alseep in the house at the time it was torn down. Just sayin'.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Vampires Put the Bite to Roommate

Just One Little Sip?
There is evidently an upswing in vampirism in the United States. A bing search of the term "vampires in the usa" yielded an incredible 57,470,000 results, where "dumbasses in the usa" yielded only 287,000 results. Personally, having traveled this country from coast to coast and from Canada to Mexico, I feel like dumbasses have been short changed. I have met thoudsands of dumbasses, but not one vampire. It follows, according to my experience, that all vampires are dumbasses, but not all dumbasses are vampires. Today's little excursion into dumbassery involves a dumbass, who is not a vampire, and two dumbass vampires.

Here's the deal: This 25 year old guy, Robert Maley, has two roommates who are vampires. He knew this little tidbit of information when they all became roommates. As a matter of fact, Maley had, at least once, allowed his roomies to drink his blood! At this point, I think it's safe to say that Maley is a dumbass. I have a saying that goes like this: "feed 'em and they come back". Until now, I was referring to animals and people. If you leave food for a wild animal of any kind, squirrels, raccoons, birds, etc., then they will return to the place where the easy grub was. Same goes for vampires...give 'em just one teensy taste of your blood and they want more! Just ask Robert Maley. Recently when his dumbass vampire friends wanted to have another sip of his blood, he said "no". Well...being the good dumbass vampires they are, Robert's friends would not take "no" for an answer. So one them stabbed him for making fun of him (the dumbass friend) for being a vampire. I gotta admit that is one way to get blood from an unwilling party. That is also a felony! It ends up that Robert Maley was treated for his wounds and the two dumbass vampire friends were treated like felons, earning free room and board at the county lockup, with a stay at the State Pen not too far into the future.To top it all off, Maley was arrested for a probation violation, thus cementing his place in dumbassery.

All of this took place in Arizona, which is a great place to live...unless you are a dumbass vampire. Or a dumbass who knowingly lives with vampires, which has got to suck.  :)

Thursday, January 6, 2011

D. A. Stands for DumbAss

Dumbass D.A.
I'm sure you are familiar with the term "sexting". If not, sexting involves two (or more, if you're a dumbass) people who send sexy text messages and/or steamy photos to each other via their cell phones. Hardly a day goes by that you don't hear or read something about two (or more, if you're a dumbass) people sexting each other and said sexting often end with either tragic or flat funny consequences. This story has both tragedy and comedy involving sexting! A dumbass two-fer! And all this dumbassery is courtesy of a one man. But wait there's more! The man is a District Attorney! Just when you think this guy is dumbass enough, he takes his dumbassery to a level, the likes of which have never before been seen in all of Dumbassdom.

"So what?", you ask. "Maybe the guy was getting his jollies by sexting his trophy wife and telling he what he'd like to do to her with a turkey baster, chocolate syrup and an egg beater." I would answer that if the dumbass wants to make a chocolate omelet out of his old lady, then good for him. And maybe good for her. He could make and sell videos of it for all I care. Or do an infomercial that airs at 2AM on Skinemax. What consenting adults do in there spare time is none of my bidness. The keyword is the previous statement is consenting.

You see, the dumbass in our story was not sexting his culinary desires to his wife, but to a victim of domestic abuse in a case that he was prosecuting! I.Kid.You.Not. Among the the offending sexts was this peach, “Are u the kind of girl that likes secret contact with an older married elected DA...the riskier the better?” Risky, hell! Career suicide maybe, dumbass. It has since come to light that the dumbass in question, Ken Kratz, has exhibited this kind of behavior before! Kratz sent similar sexts to another domestic violence victim and in one of them offered to help her write her victim impact statement in exchange for doing the horizontal hula with him.

The expected public outcry ensued and so did Mr. Kratz's resignation in which did the obligatory I'm sorry and apologize to my wife, kids, etc. He then did what any elected dumbass would do in order to garner sympathy make amends, he went into counseling. I agree that he should get counseling....in jail! Hey, Ken, if you want to experience "domestic violence" first hand, being a prison bitch to a lifer named Leon would be a step in the right direction. I'm sure that you could brush up on your banjo playing while the tune to Deliverance plays in your mind over and over and over for 10-15 years. Dumbass.

Wife Carrying for Fun! (And Beer!)

You dumbass! You farted!
There are few things in this world that come anywhere near leaving me speechless. What I am about to describe to you damn near did it. Human beings,  by their Latin name known as dumbassus erectus, will do almost anything for amusement and/or competition. There are such events as the Calaveras (CA) County Fair and Jumping Frog Jubilee, Watermelon Thump in Luling, Texas, where the biggest attraction is the watermelon seed spitting contest and 35,000 dumbasses people attend each year, and here's a new one to me that recently took place right here in Maine - The North American Wife Carrying Championships!  I mean, we don't get the Olympics, NASCAR, NFL, Major League Baseball and whatnot, but we do make a sport of wife carrying! Just imagine the fun and companionship to be had by dumbass couples from all around the country.

  • Dumbass Wife to Dumbass husband : "Honey, I have just the thing that could save our marriage." 
  • Dumbass Husband : "And that would be what?"
  • Dumbass Wife : "You could carry me!"
  • Dumbass Husband : "I've been doing that for the last 25 years."
  • Dumbass Wife : "No,dear. I mean you could carry me in the North American Wife Carrying Championships!"
  • Dumbass Husband : "You do love me! Our marriage is saved!"
 The object of this dumbass "sport" is to navigate a 278 yard course lined with mud holes and all sorts of fun obstacles like that while carrying your dumbass wife on your back! What fun! The people who participate in dumbass wife carrying are deadly serious about it, why they've even got specialized ways for a man to carry his better half. From ABCNews.com we learn : "Carrying methods include traditional piggyback, the fireman’s carry or something called the “Estonian carry,” said Paula Wheeler, director of development for the Mahoosuc Arts Council, the event’s sponsor." The "Estonian carry" sounds particularly menacing (or pornographic, I ain't sure which). The best thing about this event, besides the certain hilarity that ensues, is what the winner receives as a prize. I.Am.Not.Making.This.Up. His wife's weight in beer! There is a God! It turns out that the dumbass husband totin' around his dumbass wife becomes a dumbass drunk! You now understand what people who live in a place like Maine, where there are about 8 months winter, do during those long cold times. They make up dumbass stuff like wife carrying! And curling, but that's another story for another day. If every married couple in the United States took part in wife carrying, the divorce rate would plummet.The alcoholism rate among married men would skyrocket (see prize for winners), but those men would be happily married drunks. In my view, it all evens out. :) For those of you who are considering wife carrying as a marriage-enhancing tool, I'll leave you with info on the 2011 World Wife Carrying Championships to be held in Finland. I almost forgot that there is a division in this dumbass competition for women who want to carry their husbands! Equal opportunity, you gotta love it. I am curious here, what is the wife's prize if she wins? Her husband's weight in bon bons?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Footprints in the Snow - A Dumbass Tale

Dumbass Leaves Crime Scene
When it comes to criminals, I get great joy from making fun of the really dumbass ones. Which of course comprises about 99.9% of the criminal population. Our man Aaron Braun of Ellsworth, Maine is in the top (bottom?) .001% of the criminally dumbass. A.B., as his fellow criminal dumbasses call him, got a brilliant idea to commit a burglary at a local plumbing supply store. He broke out a window on a side door to the business, made his entry, snagged $300 cash and made a clean getaway. Well.....an almost clean getaway. There was snow on the ground the night that A.B. committed his little breaking and entering. And the problem with snow on the ground is what? Yes! Footprints! A.B., dumbass burglar is also A.B. the dumbass who doesn't realize that when you walk in snow, you leave footprints! But, wait! There's more! (best cheap ass product commercial voiceover). Aaron didn't have a getaway car standing by to make a clean escape. He walked to crime scene and walked home after committing the crime! So guess what? The police showed up investigate the crime and you know what they saw by the side door with the broken window? Yes again! Footprints! Footprints leading to a nearby apartment. Cops follow footprints to nearby apartment and knock on door. Door answered by (Ta-Da!) Aaron Braun! Aaron gets busted and is now a guest of the Hancock County Crossbar Hilton. Aaron, Aaron, Aaron...tsk tsk...Buy a damn car, dumbass! Or don't rob a place while there is snow on the ground! Or just don't rob any place. Especially for only $300. Dumbass. Do I have to do all the thinking for you?

Aaron was charged with a bunch of stuff and will undoubtedly be spending a few years making license plates for the State of Maine. During that time, I'll be working on my next book. It's called Burglary for Dumbasses, Don't Leave Footprints in the Snow. That soon-to-be-bestselling treatise will be followed by another winner entitled Public Defenders for Dumbasses. 

(hat tip bangordailynews.com)

A City Overrun With Dumbasses

Usually when we do a story like the one you are a bout to read, the Dumbass of the Story is easy to spot. However, today we are tasked with picking our Dumbass from a group of Dumbass wannabes! So, gather the family around whatever it is you gather your family around,  read the story and make a group decision! Take a vote and those who correctly guess who the Dumbass is will get a treat, such as an ice cream cone! Those who name the wrong person as the Dumbass of the Story will become Honorary Dumbasses themselves! It's a win-win situation! Here's today's Dumbass Story:
  • Earl Devine of Lafayette, Indiana recently decided that he needed some money. So, instead of getting a job and earning some cash flow the old fashion way, Earl chose to take another path. He printed his own money! Counterfeiting is certainly a step in the right direction of becoming a dumbass, but our friend Earl went above and beyond the call of Dumbass Duty when he printed some fake $100 bills with Abraham Lincoln's face on them! I am certainly no expert on everything that is on a $100 bill, but I do know that Honest Abe ain't supposed to be on one. Ratcheting up the dumbass to new levels, Earl went on a spending spree with the fake bills (here's where our 2nd Dumbass of the Day nominee comes in)  and fooled several merchants in town! Now this turn of events begs a question: What.The.Fuck?! I can only surmise that these "merchants" were products of the Lafayette Public School System. I can also surmise that the Lafayette Public Schools are run by dumbasses. I'm sure that, as we speak, the Superintendent of Lafayette schools is on the phone with the federal Department of Education pleading for more of our tax dollars to pay dumbass teachers more money to "educate" and graduate more dumbasses like these "merchants". Good work if you can find it, I guess. Earl's life of crime came to an abrupt halt when a bartender(!), who is probably not a former student of Lafayette schools, realized he had been paid with a phony $100 bill. He called the cops and soon thereafter Earl became a guest of the Lafayette Criminal Justice System. This story gets.even.better. When asked about the funny money by the local bird cage liner, "Detectives called the bills “excellent fakes” in spite of other errors, such as red and blue dots that suggested the bill was printed from an inkjet printer". It's now painfully clear to me that at least one detective is, like Earl and several local "merchants", a product of Lafayette schools. I just can't, and won't, label the entirety of the LPD as dumbasses, but one of their detectives is the third nominee for the coveted Dumbass of the Day Award. In fairness to the local "merchants" I mentioned above, several other businesses in town and neighboring West Lafayette also received fake cash from Earl, so what the hell, they are potential dumbasses, too. 
Here's my take: The whole damn town of Lafayette, Indiana is loaded with dumbasses. Having said that, I guess I won't be getting a "Welcome to Lafayette" package from the Greater Lafayette Chamaber of Commerce should I ever decide to move there. I'll scratch Lafayette, Indiana off my "Where to Retire List". Getting back to our story, the detective who made the "excellent fakes" comment about the $100 bills with Abe Lincoln on them, is not our Dumbass of the Day. This guy's job is tough enough without being tagged a dumbass, a moron maybe, but not a dumbass. As for the educators in the Lafayette School District, they are probably members of some teachers' union, so they can't be blamed for Earl's level of dumbassery, they just do whatever the Union tells them to do. Being members of a  teachers' union is approaching Dumbassville, but the teachers, like the fuzz, have a thankless job and at least they are consistently churning out quality dumbasses like Earl. The process of elimination leaves us with no other choice, as if there was another choice, but to crown Earl as today's Dumbass of the Day! Earl, you can pick up your award in 10-15 years. In regards to the apparent Dumbass Epidemic in Lafayette, Indiana, I have a brilliant solution. Make it a mandatory part of certifying teachers and law enforcement personnel, that they go to bartending school before being accredited by the State of Indiana as a public servant. It seems that the bartender that busted Earl is the only one that knows that Lincoln is not on a $100 bill. Everyone knows he's on the fifty.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Skank Gives Boyfriend "A Night Off" - Dumbassery Ensues

Hi, I'm Susie and I'm a Dumbass!
See the young lady in the photo? She is a dumbass. Probably a very nice young lady, but a dumbass none the less. Why so harsh? Let me splain. This young woman, who we'll call Susie, has a steady boyfriend (David) of a few years. So far, so good. Until they started drinking. Then the fun began. David asked an alcohol-fueled question of Susie,
"If you could have sex with anyone in the world, who would it be?" he asked me.
"You," I replied.
"Other than me."
-This witty drunken repartee led to this Dr. Phil moment when David, ever the horn dawg, came up with this beauty, "If I cheated would you consider it an unforgivable offense?" David asked me, that fateful night, as we sat, a bit sloshed, on our couch."  Susie responded, "Depends". You can see where this is going. A few months later, after engaging in "a night off" with another chick, these two extreme dumbasses were in bed when "suddenly David put his hands to his face and said, as if in one breath: "I cheated on you and I'm scared to tell you because I'm afraid you're going to get mad at me, and cry, and break up with me." No shit, Sherlock. Not only is David a dumbass, he's a pansy too. Ol' Dave confessed to his transgression, but, Susie the Understanding Dumbass, decided that it was OK for David to have a "night off" banging some other broad. After all, they had discussed it beforehand.  At this point in our story, I can no longer add anything to it without quoting Susie verbatim for the rest of the story. In Susie's own words :
I felt like he was being honest. OK, he may have spent a few days -- or weeks -- thinking about it before telling me ... but, I thought, everyone is entitled to a little privacy. Besides, it was a true one night stand.

As far as I was concerned, in terms of how "nights off" might go, his was ideal. As ideal as that situation can be. He had stepped out of the relationship and hated it. I didn't know until after it happened, and he wanted everything to go back to the way it had been between us before. I couldn't have written the movie script better myself. I mean, I had told him months earlier that I could forgive such a transgression under the right circumstances, and these seemed like the right circumstances to me.
 

Today, several years later, I'm older and wiser -- and David and I did break up a couple of years later, but not because of this. In retrospect ... I still kind of feel the same way I did that day. In my opinion, a relationship isn't sex. Sex is important, but it's not the end of the world, and if someone has sex outside of their relationship, it doesn't have to end the relationship.
 

I knew that after David had taken his night off, I could do the same. I mean, what could he say? He'd have to forgive me. But I didn't. I guess I just never met the right person, or was in the right situation, so it never happened. I mean, I didn't want to force it, just to get even. He felt so bad that day, I didn't really have a desire to "get even" anyway. It actually made us closer than ever, so I never really felt the need.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, even in one relationship, no two situations are the same. Should you take a night off from each other? I don't know -- you'd have to talk with your lover to decide if it's right for you. Do I think it can help a relationship? Yeah, I do. I think it can settle a curious mind. If you end up breaking up ... well, to me, that's just fate, and it was meant to happen anyway. No matter what you do, you can't make a bad relationship work. In turn, you can't ruin a good relationship with a silly one night stand. Not a real one. We're raised to believe that stepping outside of a relationship is a bad thing ... I don't think it has to be.


To recap: Boy meets girl. They become a couple. They get blasted on Boone's Farm and mutually decide that a "night off" to have sex with whomever is OK. Boy has "night off", then feels like an asshole. Girl, who is a dumbass, says "no problemo", forgives boy and immediately starts to look for some poor, horny dipshit to lay. Girl fails in effort to get laid by horny dipshit, although she was certain Boy would say, "That's OK, honey, you needed a "night off". Several years later, Girl Dumbass still thinks it's OK to have a "night off" in a relationship. Girl is still single and now peruses bus stations for a horny homeless dipshit to have a "night off" with. Girl now does TV commercial for drugs that treat recurring STD's.

What the hell? First off, if I even thought of asking my wife if I could have a "night off", she'd cut off my gazebos with a rusty butter knife. Second off, I have never been drunk enough to ask my wife such a dumbass question. Third off, my wife would cut off my gazebos if I ever got that loaded, "night off" or not. Fourth off, I have grown fond of my gazebos over the last 54 years. Fifth off, my Mama raised me better than that. Sixth off, I am scared of my wife. And seventh off, I am really scared of my wife with a rusty butter knife in her hand when she has "that look" in her eyes.

In conclusion, we have ascertained that David is a sissy, Susie is a Godless skank and a dumbass of the highest order and I value my gazebos. The moral to the story is, guys, that if you and your wife/girlfriend/whatever get inebriated and decide that you need a "night off", hide the rusty butter knives from your wife/girlfriend/whatever. Your gazebos will thank you for it.

hat tip : Aol News

Monday, January 3, 2011

The Most Vile Dumbass We Have Come Across to Date

Hold on tight, Jody.***
Let me warn you up front, there is going to be some very vulgar language in this post. Short of taking the Lord's name in vain, the subject of this post is infinitely more vile and disgusting than any colloquialism or "colorful metaphor" that I could conjure up. If you've got the balls to read on, please do. If not, tough shit. I don't say that to insult you. If you read on, you'll be as spark-spittin' mad as I am. Today is only the third day of 2011 and if I come across another post this year that even comes near the level of making me want to puke that this one does, I'll sing 'Boomer Sooner", naked in downtown Norman, Oklahoma and give you an hour to draw a crowd.

Let the verbal barbecue and emasculation of Jody Bennett begin in earnest. Jody Bennett is a dumbass. A major league, certified, undeniable dumbass. And then some. Why would I say such things about Jody? Because it's true. Want proof? OK. Prepare to be ass kickin' mad. Jody was attending the wake for 17 year old Bradley McCombs, a friend of the Bennett family. Bradley, like millions of other 17 year olds around the world, loved to play video games. So much so that when he was tragically killed in a Christmas morning car accident and subsequently prepared for burial, his beloved Game Boy was put in the coffin with Bradley, to be buried with him. Enter Jody Bennett. This piece of possum shit, who is 37 years old by the way, stole the Game Boy from the dead kid's casket! Are you mad yet? I am just getting warmed up. Bradley's uncle saw Bennett steal the Game Boy and confronted him outside the funeral home and Bennett returned the Game Boy. The police were called and Bennett was carted off to the Indiana County, Montgomery Township, Pennsylvania jail, where there is, hopefully, a close relative of Leon 'Hung Like A Horse" Williams incarcerated as well. Hey, Jody, learn to squeal real good, boy. Even really bad men don't like dumbasses who steal from the dead...at their wake especially! Jody Bennett, future prison bitch, has been charged with theft, desecration of a venerated object and abuse of a corpse. I'm confident that the charge of being a lower than worm shit dumbass will be added to the others.

You think that Jody's fucked up? Check out what his mother had to say about the incident. She apologized to the McCombs family and said she suspects the theft was a result of her son's alcohol and drug problem. She said she had also lost a son in a car crash 12 years ago."It just makes me heartsick for the family because I know how I would feel," she told the AP. "I never thought he would stoop that low." So Jody is a victim. because he drinks and does drugs? Listen to me lady. I have drunk enough alcohol to float the State of Pennsylvania. And I am not proud to say that short of using needles, I have partaken of some fine narcotics in my lifetime. I can honestly say, that despite my knack for "having fun" or better yet, being a dumbass, not one single, solitary time that I was blasted out of my mind, did I ever steal a damn dime from anybody, MUCH LESS THE DEAD! Fuck your lowlife knob-gobbler of a son. That bastard deserves a fate befitting the indignity he has heaped upon a dead 17 year old boy, his grieving family and most importantly, God Himself. If that sissy ass punk was in Texas, which I wish he was, he would have to send his soul to Heaven because his ass would be mine. I hope that Jody the Jackoff suffers anguish for the rest of the miserable life that he has left. God will be far more lenient than I on the dumbass cock sucker, and he's damn lucky that that is the case.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go rinse my eyes out with bleach because they were dirtied by the sight of the name Jody Bennett, a man who gives dumbasses a bad name. Fucking vermin. Have a nice day.

 ***Image from http://www.worldforpets.com.au/products/product_detail.asp?ID=575***

(hat tip aolnews)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Our First Dumbasss of 2011!

It is with utter desperation great cheer that I bring to you the First Dumbass of 2011! Our first dumbass of this new year comes from right in here in my city of residence, Augusta, Maine. Since Augusta is the State Capital of Maine, at first glance I thought that our dumbass may be one of the Liberals in the State Legislature, but it was not meant to be. However, I have faith that one of our more Liberal lawmakers will be on the Dumbass List of 2011 sometime this year. But, I digress.

Joseph Darling was sentenced to 21 days in jail after being convicted of tax evasion. Joseph is a dumbass. But, he is a dumbass for a reason other than being a tax cheat. Joey claimed he didn't have to pay taxes because he was the governor of Maine! While I harbor no doubt that Joey could do a better job than our outgoing Gov, I can assure you, the reader, that Joseph Darling is not now nor has he ever been the Governor of Maine. He is simply a dumbass tax cheat who was caught and convicted. As the Attorney General of Maine pointed out, that even if Joe were the Governor of Maine, he would still have to pay taxes on his salary.

Maine has a state income tax, which is a dumbass thing in and of itself, but it's not terribly draconian. i have lived here for almost five years, and while I am not exactly in the upper echelon of taxpayers in the state, until I became almost disabled, I was doing OK financially, and the largest refund on State Income Tax that I got was something like $40. Here's the rub with Joseph. He owes the state more than $11,000 in back taxes for only four years that he failed to file his state income tax report. What a dumbass! If he was making enough money to rack up an $11,000 tax bill to the state in only four years, he should have been Governor! The dude has some mad money-making skillz. The state of Maine would be debt-free and on the road to serious prosperity with this guy at the helm of the Ship of State. On second thought, if Maine were to achieve such fiscal success, it would just bring in more dumbasses from Massivetwoshits and I'd rather pay more taxes than to have those Mass-holes come to Maine to stay. Taxes are way more tolerable than Mass-holes. Dumbasses.

And Joseph Darling? He's a dumbass, too.

(hat tip Bangor Daily News)
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