Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: February 2011 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Monday, February 28, 2011

Dumbass Gets Loaded, Pisses on Chicken in Kroger Store

Free Range, Piss Free Yard Bird
Grocery shoppers in Little Rock BEWARE! There's a guy who could be in your local Kroger store pissing all over the Pilgrim's Pride or Tyson chicken! What this dumbass has in mind by pissing on the chicken, I don't know. But, I am relieved to know that he bypassed the T-bone steaks. If the dude had peed on the T-bones, I would become a vegetarian on the spot. Pissing on the yard bird, not so much. Anyway...

This dumbass went to a Kroger store (Kroger is a large grocery store company - ed.) in Little Rock as decided that he would "marinate" the yard birds with his tinkle. I know you'll find this difficult to believe, but the dumbass was drunk! The Little Rock police got a call from Kroger's saying that a man was being "verbally aggressive" with some of the employees. But, before the Law could get there the dumbass peed on over $500 worth of chicken. He also ate a large package of ham. I happen to know that the good people of Little Rock love their hogs, ooooooooooohhhhhhh pig soooooooo-eeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy! A little football lingo there.

So...the dumbass pisses on over $500 worth of chicken, eats a large package of ham and gets verbally aggressive with store employees. Enter the LRPD who quickly subdue the drunk dumbass and prepare to haul his ass to jail. Upon confronting the dumbass suspect, the police made this brilliant observation, "he was reported by officers to have been unsteady on his feet, smelled of alcohol and had bloodshot eyes when they arrived on the scene." What was their first clue? The cops left out the fact that the dumbass smelled of pig. Our dumbass was "charged with public intoxication, theft of property, and criminal mischief." Criminal mischief? Does that mean he pissed all over the chicken? I really got nothin' today, but I do hope that pissing on the yard bird isn't one of the "special seasonings" in KFC. If it is, the dumbass and I gotta have a loooooooooonnnngggg talk. Not only is he pissing on my chicken, he's breathing my air. Dumbass.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Smoking Nazis are in NYC!

Old Lady Smoking a Wolf Turd
The Smoking Nazi's are alive and well in New York City. Just ask Harry Lysons. Harry lives in an apartment building in NYC. That means Harry has neighbors - neighbors that are dumbasses. Good ole Harry just wanted to do something that millions of men and women do every day, and that is to smoke a good cigar from time to time. This is where the Smoking Nazis come in. Here's a snippet of the story from UPI and The New York Post, "A New York man settled a lawsuit by agreeing to pay $2,000 to his neighbors if he is caught smoking a cigar inside his apartment in the future. The $2 million lawsuit, filed in city Supreme Court by Russell and Amanda Poses, claimed next door neighbor Harry Lysons was stinking up their apartment by smoking cigars inside his domicile, the New York Post reported Thursday." What. The. Fuck. The story by the Post and UPI doesn't say anything about possible rules in Harry's lease that prohibit him from having a good stogie in his own apartment. If there is a clause in Harry's lease, then he should be held accountable for his actions.

It's his dumbass neighbors that piss me off. Here's a doozy for you "The Poses family said the smoke was causing health problems for their children, ages 3 and 6." Let me get this straight. harry has a smoke in his own apartment and somehow his sinful actions have caused health problems for the children of his neighbors? A few thoughts here. If indeed the cigar smoke finds it way to the neighbors' apartment (cigar smoke is known to do that. It's evil and vile and hunts down children so they'll suffer health problems and worse yet, makes the kids nicotine addicts! Big Tobacco wins thanks to Harry! Evil bastard) the apartments are cheap ass ghetto fuckers with walls made of notebook paper. To the neighbors I say, "Move! You dumbasses!" What a bunch of pussies. Here's another thought. I have had neighbors that smoked enough dope to fog in the DFW Airport, and I can honestly say, that I nor any of my family members, kids included, ever, not even one time become smokers of the weed, because the neighbors partook. NEVER! And we never even got the munchies becuase the neighbors sparked up a fattie. So I am calling bullshit on this. Harry's a dumbass for caving in and the Poses are just a bunch of garden variety Liberals who have to have something to cry about or their life isn't worth living. Pussies.

I always yhought NYC was the Big Apple, but the more I read crap like this and see what that Commie Mayor Bloomberg dictates, NYC is no longer the Big Apple, it's the Shriveled Prune. Dumbasses.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Another Dumbass and Cell Phone Episode

Favorite Phone of Dumbasses Everywhere
The internet is a great thing. You can shop, pay bills, find information on almost anything, even find a spouse. However, with all this electronic convenience comes plenty of electronic danger - stolen IDs, credit card fraud, prostitution, even death. Having said all that, the World Wide Web is an incredible tool, with the benefits of it far outweighing its downside. I would think that any almost sane person would know and recognize the warning signs of a bad thing on the net. Still, there are dumbasses who put themselves in situations that could lead to bad things happening to them.

You just know that I am going somewhere with this, don't you? There's this dumbass out in California (but, I repeat myself) who found an iPhone for sale on Craigslist and set up a meeting with the seller. The meeting was, get ready for this, to be held behind a Carl's Jr'! This is one of those bad things I mentioned up there^^^ Did I tell you that the dumbass had $500 cash money on him to purchase the iPhone with? Yep. Let us go over this situation again. Dumbass finds iPhone for sale on Craigslist. Dumbass has $500 cash to purchase iPhone with. Dumbass also sets a meeting with the iPhone seller behind Carl's Jr. What could possibly go wrong? If you said the "seller" of the iPhone pulls a semiautomatic pistol and robbed the dumbass with $500, you win a Dinky Button. The Police were as dumbfounded as anybody about this crime. A cop from the local PD said, "Broad daylight in a public place -- you really can't ask for anything more than that," the cop said. "This is so new, we don't really have guidelines on it," he said of criminals using online sales to lure victims. "Just be careful." The cop actually said this with a straight face. He saved the side-busting laughter for later when there were no reporters around.

Just be careful indeed. Here are some tips from Dumbass News that you should follow when making a face to face transaction with someone on the internet: Rule 1) Schedule the meeting to be in a public place like inside the Carl's Jr. Better yet follow Rule 2) Get a fucking PayPal account! They are FREE to set up and you'll avoid a lot of hassles that could lead to, let's say, armed robbery! Dumbass. Rule 3) Go to Best Buy or some other retailer. You can buy an iPhone there and even set up serivce with a major tele-electronics place, like Verizon or AT&T for $500 and they won't even pull a semiautomatic pistol on you. Dumbass.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Dumbass Snake Lady on Boston Subway - Story Updated!

Penelope
A couple weeks ago, February 13 to be exact, I posted a story about some dumbass chick who took her python onto the Boston Subway and lost it! The bimbo was charged with carrying a snake big enough to eat a poodle on the subway. The Wheels of Justice turned pretty quickly in this case. So quickly in fact, that the dumbass bimbo has been given her sentence.

Melissa Moorhouse, the dumbass in question, was ordered to pay a $650 fine which is about what it cost taxpayers to clean out the train car the snake was lost in. What a dipshit judge that decided this case, or more precisely, the sentence. In my earlier post on this, I wrote "There were subway system employees looking high and low for the snake but to no avail. At this point, the transit people had no choice but to take the train out of service." I have a question. How long was the train car the snake was lost on out of service? A day? Two days? I think the dumbfuck judge should have fined the dumbass snake lady the equivalent of a day's (two days, depending on the amount of time the train was out of service) average fare total. But, we're talking Massivetwoshits here and a punishment in tune with offense would probably hurt the dumbass snake lady's feelings or some such Liberal crap. I mean come on. The dumbass carried a live snake onto the damn subway! What about the other passengers, if any, who may have suffered some kind of trauma from this? They have delicate feelings, too! Doesn't that count for something? Those are only rhetorical questions, but I still wonder when the first lawsuit will be filed. I hear that former Senator John Edwards, D-Ambulance Chaser, needs a gig. Dumbass.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Facebook, It's Not Only a Social Netwotk

Pissed Off Camels Not Named Fatima
Allah is gonna be pissed when he finds this out. First, a little background. You are surely familiar with the recent civil strife going on in Egypt, right? OK, good. Facebook, as much as we may curse it from time to time, played an important role in getting out information that was otherwise censored by the government. Facebook was an invaluable tool during this whole Egypt thing.

Proving that dumbass knows no boundries, a guy in Egypt recently became the father of a newborn daughter. As you know, picking out names for babies can be a real pain in the ass for many people, but not our first Egyptian dumbass! With all the cool Arabic names for baby girls, like Fatima for example, this dumbass went and named his new baby girl 'Facebook". I. Shit. You. Not. The child's full name is Facebook Jamal Ibrahi. That ought to go over well with the local Imam. I don't give a damn what the guy names his baby, he could have named her Clyde for all I care, but Facebook? We could be entering into trademark infringement territory here, not to mention all the jealous camels in Egypt with names like Ralph and Frank. Nary a camel named Fatima. It's obvious to me that our dumbass is a bigot towards Western sounding names. Next thing you know all camels will get names that will inspire more hatred towards the Western World. Just think of the repercusions that will ensue as a result of this wreckless camel-naming. What will happen if guys like our dumbass starts naming camels Sandcretariat, Sand of War or George Strait? The mind boggles at the thought. I personally will be on the lookout for camel suicide bombers or lonely terrorists who smell like camel sex. I'm just sayin'.

But, I digress. Back to baby Facebook. It was a dumbass idea from a dumbass Egyptian with a now lonely herd of camels named Frank, Clyde or George Strait. And maybe one "special" lady camel named Michelle. Dumbass.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Dumbass Tries to Shoot Cat; Shoots Self Instead

Duh?
We have had some really good stories here on Dumbass News, and today is no exception. Some dumbass in Hillsboro, Missouri, called police and told them that he was the victim of a roadside robbery and was shot by the bad guys.The dumbass said that he stopped on the side of the highway to help out a guy who needed some help.
The cops called in a team of canines and a police helicopter to aid in the search for the bad guy who supposedly shot the dumbass in question. However, there is more to this story than meets the eye. On the surface this looks like a fairly routine crime. Problem is that it's a bald face lie! As it turns out, the dumbass shot himself while  taking a potshot at a feral cat that was in his yard.

I think I am safe in assuming that the local constabulary was not pleased at having to call in the chopper and the police dogs, at taxpayers' expense , by the way. Just to show how unamused the police were, after being treated for his wounds, the dumbass was arrested and charge "suspicion of filing a false report".

You know, I write about stuff like this every day and it never ceases to amaze me how stoopid some people are. Like the dumbass in this post. He's a fucking idiot. Didn't the thougth of maybe he'd need a pesky little thing called "evidence" to corraberate his version of events? And how could this dumbass not think about the police doing, you know, an investigation into his claims? Astounding, isn't it?

I do try to find a silver lining in these dumbass stories and this little tale is  no different. Maybe our dumbass should go around Hillsboro wandering through peoples' yards late at night. Maybe one of those folks willtake a shot at a feral dumbass in their front yard. One can only hope. Dumbass.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

They Shoot Horses, Don't They?

OK, here we go again. Another "dumbass does stoopid shit to get girl's attention and ends up looking like a bigger dumbass because he goes to jail" story. Let me splain.

There is this dumbass who lives in Roseville, Michigan with a lot of other dumbasses, but he stands head and shoulders above the other dumbasses. How do I know that? This is how I know...the dumbass faked his own kidnapping just to get the attention of a girl who turns out to be his ex-girlfriend! Folks, this is the kind of dumbassery that is so stoopid that it measures 6.5 on the Richter Scale. Lemme put this another way. If a horse was this stoopid, he'd be glue right now. Our dumbass, however, would be refused at the glue factory because he's worthless, even as glue. So now it is your responsibility as a taxpayer to support his sorry ass for the next "X" number of years. We can only hope that, at the end of incarceration he has truly repented of his sins, is rehabilitated and is fit to join polite society again. In the meanwhile, I hope this dipshit, knuckle dragger gets his ass kicked every day for the duration of his prison term for pulling this little stunt. Oh...and don't forget Leon "Hung Like A Horse" Williams, the Official Adopted Inmate of Dumbass News. Leon loves white meat. Leon says it tastes like chicken. Leon also doesn't like it when pasty white sissy boys waste taxpayers money on elaborate pansy schemes to get the attention of a girl whose nicest words to you are, "Die in a fire, Asswipe".

I was going to excerpt some of the story but, there's not anything else that would add to this post, except this: "Deputies said the man told them he had been having suicidal thoughts and had previously attempted suicide. He was taken to a hospital for a psychiatric evaluation." Well, I know that I feel beter. The Roseville, Michigan Police Department is on the case! And I want to wish our dumbass better luck the next time he tries to adios himself to that big Dumbass Dungeon in the Sky.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Engagement Ring Eaten by Denver Sewer!

Eater of Engagement Rings
The Dumbass of the Day Award goes to a guy who was doing a wonderful thing, a life-changing thing, when he went from being a hopeless romantic into a dumbass in a matter of a couple of seconds.

John Iverson The Dumbass Who Shall Remain Nameless had a grand plan to propose to his girlfriend in Downtown Denver. All was going smotthly until "it" happened. Down on one knee, John Iverson The Dumbass Who Shall Remain Nameles, reached into his pocket to grab an engagement ring when he dropped it - down a sewer grate in the street! Dumbass. It gets better. The engagement ring was a family heirloom passed down the bride-to-be from her Mother! Do I hear a "dumbass" from the choir? Dumbass. I don't know if I am the only one who thinks this way, but is this an omen of some kind that this would-be marriage is doomed before the loving couple even gets to the alter? Down the shitter as it were. Naaaaah.

The Denver Fire Department came to the rescue and retrieved the engagement from the sewer and the proposal went on, turds and all. OK, I made the "turds and all" stuff up, but the DFD did locate the ring after about 45 minutes of searching and handed the potential groom the ring plus several cigarette butts and a green turd that didn't make it to the punchbowl. I made that part up too. There were no green turds or cig butts, but they did find the ring.

At this point, there a few questions I have. Did John Iverson the Dumbass Who Shall Remain Nameless immediately put the ring on his beloved's hand? Did she accept the proposal? Was the Dumbass Who Shall Remain Nameless drunk when he proposed? Did the Dumbass Who Shall Remain Nameless start a trend where grooms-to-be all over the country can get blasted , take their girlfriend to a sewer grate near them and "accidently" drop the ring into the sewer? These are just a few questions that demand answers from almost-engaged couples from every nook and cranny of our great country.

I am happy to report that the bride-to-be accepted the proposal and soon two dumbasses will be one. And I'm sure that they'll produce enough little dumbassses that will keep these pages full of stories just like this one for generations to come. Lord help us all.

Dumbasses.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Birds in the Bakery!

On our excursion into DumbassLand today, we go to the Upper Midwest, Wisconsin to be exact. Now I love Wisconsin. It's a beautiful state populated by some fine people. I am even a Green Bay Packer fan and have been for about fifty years, so what I am about to write brings me no joy. Laughter, yes. Joy, not so much. However, as your Fearless Leader and Professional Dumbass Detector, I am obligated by the sacred oath I took to seek out dumbasses in every corner of the Earth and bring them to your attention. My affection and emotional invovlement with these dumbasses be damned.

In River Falls, Wisconsin, a dumbass who works for a bakery was a bit angry by some birds who somehow found their way in. You know, kinda like going to the garden department in WalMart. There always little birds in there. But, I digress. These birds got into this bakery and our dumbass, let's call him Dumbass Baker (his name is not in the article I am referring to), and Dumbass Baker just happened to have a shotgun handy (the people of Wisconsin are very fond of guns. Maybe that's why outside of Milwaukee, crime is basically nonexistant). So Dumbass Baker has a 12 gauge and some bird shot shells and starts blasting the little birds while he's workin in the bakery! Not only does Dumbass Baker send the birds to their Birdly Reward, he shot one of his co-workers! As one who has been shot in the face by 12 gauge bird shot, it doesn't feel so good. Don't ask. It's a long story about dove hunting and some drunk Mexicans. Dumbass Baker guy turns out to be one of the Managers. Now that's what I call leadership. Dumbas Leadership, but nontheless, leadership. Dumbass Baker saw a problem and he solved it in an appropriate dumbass manner. The Police, however, saw it as a  felony. Dumbass Baker was charged with  "injury by negligent handling of a dangerous weapon", police said. Geez, ya think? Now our Dumbass Baker is going to learn a different meaning of "cinnamon buns" while he's in the jailhouse. Dumbass.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Fat Lady Shoplifts, Then Goes After Cop's Donut

Needs Directions To Nearest Jack in the Box
Shoplifters are some of the most clever but dumbass people you'll ever see. They come up some ingenius ways to steal something. Having done some work in retail over the years, I have seen some really good shoplifters. They are brave enough to go into a business and steal something, but most of the time after the get busted, they whine like a bunch of two year olds. It really hits them hard when the Police show up and reality smacks them upside the head. They are headed "downtown".

Having said all that, dumbasses are forever coming up with new ways to rob retailers blind. Take this woman in Rochester Hills, Michigan.....PLEASE! Haha I am a comic genuis. Anyway, there was this 400 pound woman who was doing her Christmas shoplifting early this year at Meijer store in Rochester Hills. She had stuffed over $600 worth of electronics onto the motorized scooter she was riding around the Meijer store. The story from UPI tells us that "She set off the door alarm and hit a store employee who confronted her, authorities said. When a sheriff's deputy arrived, she "took a fighting stance" and had to be Tasered to be subdued, the report said." Four little words in the previous sentence stand out like a green turd in a punch bowl. The words? "took a fighting stance". How in the hell can a 400 pound woman "take a fighting stance'? Well, of course, unless somebody cuts in front nof her at the all you can eat buffet. But, I digress. One more thing...the cops tasered her? What the hell was she gonna do to the cops? A little Kung Fu, perhaps? Dumbasses. Oh, wait! Maybe the cop who first arrived on the scene was on break at a nearby Dunkin Donuts and he grabbed his chocolate eclaire and took nit with him to the scene of the crime. Now I can see why she was tasered. The bitch wanted the cops pastry and anybody caught geeting between he and the eclaire would be squished a ripe tomato.


That's our story for today. I hope tou enjoyed the dumbassery as much as I did. Tune in tomorrow when we do a follow up to this story. Its tentative title is, "How Prison Food Helped Me Lose 275 Pounds Without Dieting". Dumbass.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Find Out Why Tire Thief Gets Busted! Bwahahahahaha

The thieves in California keep getting to be even bigger dumbasses than they already are. Example: Jeff Yancey of Rancho Cucmonga. Our man Jeff here needed some new tires. he needed some new tires so bad, that he stole some from a tire dealer in Temecula. being a dumbass and all, Jeff used his van to place the stoen tires in a he made his escape. it just so happens that the tire guy that Jeff stole the tires from has video surveillance at his business. A quick perusal of the video camera showed a van pull up and a guy loading tires into it. It was Jeff's van. How do we know it was Jeff's van? It had his business name and cell phone number painted on the side of it! With this information in hand, it didn't take long for the Police to show up at Jeff's house and throw his sorry dumb ass in jail. they found Jeff when they got the phone number off the side of his van, called him up pretending to buy some tires. Oh, sweet irony. Dumbass.

I know you'll find this next bit of info hard to believe, but Jeff had a prior criminal record! Yes, I'm afarid it's true that Jeff is a dumbass with several previoius convictions for being a dumbass on his resume. With such a lengthy record, I'm sure good ole Jeff is headed for the Big House for a few years' R & R, where his new residence will be in Cell Block D, for dumbass.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Return of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

It has been a while since we've had some dumbass newspaper headlines on this blog, so I did some digging around the internet and came up with somr flat funny ones. I always get a kick out these dumbass headlines posts because I get to demean and ridicule perfect strangers for being dumbasses.  That's just how I roll.

You gotta remember that these are actual newspaper headlines and classified ads, not something that I made up. So, let's get to this week's Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!


Computers are as much a part of our daily lives as having breakfast in the morning. We use them for almost everything in our lives - banking, research, shopping and communication. Now we learn that computer viruses are spreading to human beans!!! Let's pray that the Blue Screen of Death is not contagious. Just sayin'. Dumbasses.




You are serious, right? Whoever let that headline make it to print must be the editor of The Dumbass News Daily. Fuckin' moron. But wait! They get better!







I blame it those damned illegal immigrants! Next thing you know they'll throwing tacos into the dumpster. What will that look like to some dumbass? I have several possibilities for jokes here, but they are too tasteless even for me, so, (insert taco joke here).







 What's the name of this town? Dumbassville? Does everybody in Dumbassville wear Essence of Turd cologne? Do they eat shit sandwiches for lunch? Oh, wait! They can't eat shit sandwiches, the dumbasses don't like bread!

                                           

Her life's ambition is to be the Mofongo Queen in next year's pageant. "Mistress of the Universe" is a bit much for a teen girl.








And the headline of the day is;

It's amazing what they can do with a little plastic surgery these days. I' just sayin' Dumbasses.                            .

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Oh, Boy! Texts Reveal Many Dumbasses in our Midst!

Use the Damn Phone!
Cell phones. Love 'em or hate 'em, they are here to stay. Sure they can ring at the most inopportune time when you forget to shut them off or set them for "vibrate', but they are extremely useful gizmos in case of an emrgency or if your on the way home and the wife calls and asks you to stop by the local grocery store and pick up a loaf of bread. Cell phones can be extremely useful in solving crimes also. Just a couple of days ago we posted this story about a dumbass burglar whose cell phone lead to his eventual arrest. Even the good guys get busted via evidence on their cell phones. "Good guys" like this former District Attorney that was "sexting" a woman who was the victim of a sexual assault and he was prosecuting the case. That's a big no-no. That's why his title is now former D.A.

Texting is "the next big thing" and has been for a while. I really don't get the whole texting craze is all about. I mean if you've got something to tell somebody why don't you call them?! It's a cell PHONE, for Pete's sake! Dumbasses.

My whole rant above was about texting. There's a website that lists texts submitted by readers and posts them on their web site, Texts from Last Night. The texts on the site are sometimes laugh out lous funny. many are made up, I'm sure, but they are still flat funny. Let me give you a Content Warning: Many of these texts are NSFW! Here's a couple of examples from the front page.

Sample texts from Texts from Last Night :

I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.

I am not making this shit up. These are actual texts from the commenters at Texts From Last Night. I am obligated to warn you again, that some of the stuff you'll see at TFLN is NSFW and just plain old nasty. Go ahead and click on over and see that dumbasses abound in our great country. It's a helluva deal. Dumbasses.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Dumbass in the Cargo Hold of a Jet

Dumbasses at Work or
Oh, boy, do we have a good dumbass story today! And it's another dumbass on the plane story! A few days ago we posted this story on a pilot who fell asleep at the controls of a passenger jet. What you are about to read isn't quite that stoopid, but it's certainly a close second. Let me splain.

You've all sen the guys who put your luggage in the cargo hold of a jet. They have their little cart with all the suitcases on it and they (the baggage handlers) are charged with taking the luggage of the cart and onto the waiting plane. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong you are turbulance breath! Recently at one of the airports in Washington, D.C., the luggage guys put all the suitcases and something else on the plane. By "something else" I mean a baggage handler"! What could possibly go wrong? This little incident begs the question, "How the hell can you put a guy in the cargo hold of a jet liner and not notice that something was amiss? I don't know either, but the dumbasses at the Washington, D.C. airport evidently have it down to a science. Another question. Why in the name of all that is Holy was the guy so far inside the cargo hold that nobody could see him? Was the dumbass smoking a joint in there? Was he getting ready to take a nap? Or is he just a dumbass? I think you know my answer to that question.

Anyway, passengers on the jet heard some sounds coming from beaneath the floor of the passenger compartment of the plane and wisely alerted a stewardess, who then notified the Captain who then notified the ground crew that there was a dumbass in the cargo hold of the jet. Another small detail to this story is that the dumbass in the cargo hold is the guy who was supposed to drive the tractor-looking thing that pushes the jet into a position on the tarmac so it can taxi on the runway and  take off to its destination! Thanks to the alert passengers, the dumbass tractor-looking thing driver and luggage handler was freed from the cargo hold unharmed and he went on to push the plane from the gate and send it on its merry way.

After almost a full two minutes of thinking, I have determined that this event could be made into a little game that luggage handlers in airports all across the country play with their fellow luggage handling dumbasses. The object of the game would be to lock a luggage guy in the cargo hold of the plane then guess where he will end up when the plane reaches its destination! Of course, everybody would have to place a little money in a pot to be held in a secure place until the dumbass in the cargo hold calls and says, "Thanks, guys! I ended up in Honolulu! And fuck you all I ain't coming back!" The fellow luggage dumbass who guessed closet to the actual place the stowaway landed would win the pot! Doesn't that sound like fun? Don't be surprised when this game of "Hide the Dumbass in the Cargo Hold" is a smash hit with luggage guys in airports nationwide! Dumbasses.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Personal and Not Pretty: Read at Your Own Risk!

Have a Nice Day, Asswhistle
This post is very personal, as it relates to a close family member. The incident that I'm writing about hits home with me, so I have made this post personal. It's not a pretty sight, even though I edited some very 'straight forward' commentary. If you are sensitive to adult language and unpleasant family drama, then you DO NOT want to read this. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! You can begin reading in 5...4...3...2...1...LAST CHANCE TO BAIL...TooLate...

 Today's Dumbass of the Day is someone I know and who shall remain nameless. For the purpose anonymity I am gonna call this man Frank. For the record, I do not know anybody named Frank, so if that's your name, this ain't about you. But, our imaginary Frank is a dumbass.

Background: Frank is a father and a grand father with grand kids from a blood daughter and a step son. The kids from the step son and one of the daughter's kids are treated like royalty. The other grand kid is treated like an outsider even though he's from the same Mom as his sister. Those are the grand children that we'll be talking about today.

Grandpa Dumbass has treated the oldest grand child like a queen since she was born and the other grand child as if he had the fucking herpes. I ain't happy about this. This sorry bastard thinks that because the youngest grand child has his father's name, that he (the kid) is not part of the Grandpa's family. Well, Grandpa, let me tell you something, Hoss. Fuck you and the moose you rode in on. You have insulted the family of the boy beyond anything you could do to make the situation right. I can guarantee you, dumbass, that you will never see either of these grand children again. You made your bed, now fucking deal with, dickweed. You had your chance to be a Grandpa, but you threw that away like a drunk throws away money on liquor. You lose, Pal. Furthermore, I have no sympathy at all for you. N.O.N.E. You have been given one chance after the other to make things right, but you blew it like Linda Lovelace blew a cock. Did I mention fuck you? Fuck you, Frank, just to be sure.

To treat a child the way you have treated your grand child is beyond despicable, it is sickening. You can rest assured, dumbfuck, that one day you'll be begging to see your grand son again. It ain't happening. So, dream on, asswipe. And just to be clear...FUCK YOU! Have a nice day. Dumbass.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Snake on the Boston Subway!

Future Belt or Wallet
Boston is by most accounts a great city. It's home to fenway Park and the Red Sox, the Boston Bruins of the NHL and, of course, the 3-time Super Champs New England Patriots the legendary Boston Celtics. And that is just the sports side of Beantown. Boston is also one of the most historic cities in the country with its connection to the American Revolution. But, as much as I hate to say it, Boston is home to more than their fair share of dumbasses. Dumbasses like Melissa Moorhouse.

Melissa belongs in the realm of dumbasses for at least a couple of reasons - Reason 1) Melissa owns a snake. it's only three feet long at this point but it is a boa constrictor and could grow to be thirteen feet long! Reason 2) Melissa took this dmn snake with her on the subway! Yes, friends, this dumbass woman took a boa onto the Boston subway with her. What could go wrong? Well, I'll tell you what could go wrong. The damn snake got away from her! On the subway! Dumbass. There were subway system employees looking high and low for the snake but to no avail. At this point, the transit people had no choice but to take the train out of service. I bet the subway riders of Boston just loved to be a train short in the subway system. All over a dumbass snake, or better yet, a dumbass 30 year old woman taking the frakkin' snake on the train in the first place. Somebody finally found the stoopid snake and the train was put back in service.

Melissa the Dumbass Snake Owner had these touching words when her snake, Penelope, was returned to her, "I'm overwhelmed. I'm extremely happy to have her back."Also fro UPI article, She said the snake could hide in tiny spaces and fend for itself. No shit, dumbass!? Oh, there's more from this Darwin Award candidate. "What I've been trying to tell people is that she would survive, she would be in the train whether it was weeks or months,'' she said. "I don't know if they have mice or rats but she is completely capable of eating them.''And she (the snake) is perfectly capable of wrapping her sorry as around somebody's leg and squeezing the shit out of it. I don't even want to go into what could happen to a small child. Fucking dumbass.

So this stupid bitch gets her snake back and all is hunky dorry in the Beantown subway system. If I were the Head Subway System Guy in Boston, I would have found some ordinance that would throw this dumbass bimbo in jail or at least fine the hell out of her where the thought of taking that damn snake on the subway would make her go into convulsions or some shit. Next, I would take a machete and separate the snake's head from the rest of his body, then make a belt or wallet out of her sorry ass. End of story. Dumbass.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Dumbasses Get Nekkid and It Ain't a Purty Sight

WARNING: NOT SAFE FOR WORK OR CHILDREN. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Today on Dumbass News, we are going to get down the bare facts about a group of dumbasses that get nekkid. Yes, I said nekkid. Don't worry, there won't be any pictures of nekkid people in this post but I will provide links to a couple of places that you might want to use discretion in visiting. The material on them is not suitable for work. Unless you are the Boss. If that's the case, then dig in, Hoss.

There's a group of people in our country that like to get nekkid for no apparent reason. Why a certain segment of our population likes gather with others and get nekkid together is beyond me, but, hey, it's a free country. Another thing is that all these dumbasses that like to get nude with other dumbasses who like to get nude is beyond me. I'm not a prude, but I just don't get it. On top of that, 99% of these nekkid dumbasses are people who you don't want to see nekkid anyway! I mean this ain't exactly a bunch of Playboy bunnies and whatever Playgirl calls their nekkid men. I used to work with a guy who was a nekkidist and I still can't unforget that image. And this was in 1982! To each, his own. I guess.

This particular group of nekkid people even have a Twitter account (@aanr_nudist) as well as a Facebook page. Those pages do not show any nekkidness, so if you want to check them out, they're safe for work and kids, as far as nekkidness goes. The group I am talking about today, called 'Nakation" is down in Florida where at least it's warm enough to gather and get nekkid. Here in Maine, most of the year they'd need a 'Nekkid Dome" or some such indoor facility to do a group nekkid thing. These nude dumbasses even have an iPhone app so all the nekkidists can communicate with each other via their iPhones. Nakation's "re-designed" website can be found here. I looked so you don't have to and I can tell you that the Home Page doesn't show any nekkid dumbasses in all their nekkid glory, just some photos from the neck up. I did not, however, go beyond the Home Page, so you are on your own after that.

Nekkidness going high tech was bound to happen, everything else has. So, if you know any dumbasses that want to get nekkid with people of a like mind, pass this information along to them. I am assuming, of course, that they have nothing to hide. Dumbasses.  :)

***Cartoon from cartoonstock.com)***

Friday, February 11, 2011

Dumbass Pilot Falls Asleep at the Controls of a Jet in Mid-flight

Swedish Airlines
Today is Friday! And Friday always means good things! Let's celebrate TGIF with a Special Edition of Dumbass News! Yes! And by Special Edition I mean that dumbasses are 2 for 1 today! A double dose of dumbass always makes a day twice the fun and we get to make fun of and belittle twice as many people! That always makes me feel better! Maybe I should belittle myself today becuase I just wrote six sentences in a row that ended in exclamation points (!). That's gotta be some sort of Dumbass Record! But, I digress.

Our dumbasses today come to us from Sweden, Land of Fjords and Chjevys. Sweden is a beautiful country with lots of blond haired people with blue eyes and lots of dumbasses. For instance, a pilot for the Scandinavian Airlines System Group was piloting an aircraft bound for Stockholm from Copenhagen, when the co-pilot got up to heed Nature's Call. upon returning to the cockpit, the co-pilot buzzed the Captain so he could get back to doing his co-piloting duties. No answer. He buzzed again. Still no answer. Finally, after several buzzings the pilot unlocked the cockpit door to let the co-pilot back in. When queried as to why it took so long to answer the repeated buzzings, the Captain said, "Ho wofhwNuakde[p fcapHnc" which is Swedish for "I am a dumbass and I was taking a nap while you went to piss, you fucking moron!" To which the stunned co-pilot replied, "pohfeo hmasd?" which when translated to English means, "No shit?" Fortunately the plane was on Auto-pilot while the tinkling and the napping were going on and the aircraft eventually landed safdely in Stockholm. As they say on those stupid TV commercials when you buy something valued at $300 for only $19.99 plus shipping and handling, But, wait! There's more!

The pilot going to sleep at the controls of a jet airliner full of passengers was duly reported to the Aviation authorities in Sweden, who reacted with a resounding yawn. They decided not to to punish the pilot for this travesty by saying (I ain't makinf this up) that he (the pilot) was tired because he only got four hours of sleep the night before. What. The. Hell? At this point I usually point out what a load of dumbasses run the Swedish airline industry, which they are and they do. How can these people sleep at night? Fucking pasty skinned pussies. This event goes beyond dumbassery and wanders into negligence of the worst possible kind. Do these dumbasses not understand that hundreds of innocent people could have died because pilot had a rough night's sleep the night before? I've got something to say about that, "Tpowgn lof uszpi jf;paaqfjffv!" Translated from Swedish that means , "Fuck you and the reindeer you rode in on you piece of Scandi dog shit."And one more thing, "Ou;w gdszghh" which means....Dumbasses.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Convicted Robber Kevin Cheeks Has a New Prison Name: Sweet Cheeks

Dumbass Crook Locator
What's with all the dumbass criminals today? I mean it seems like we never hear of bad guys that at least have an IQ above that of a steaming pile of dog poop. maybe that's why so many crooks are called "shit for brains", I don't know. So many of the dumbasses we hear about today are the ones whose sisters and brothers are also their aunts, uncles, and cousins rolled into one. I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

One would think that even the most dumbass of dumbasses would know that technology today is some how going to record your every damn move, especially when you commit a crime. Why in the hell do you think that the security Room at your local WalMart looks like NORAD in there? These businesses are serious about this shit. Shinki's Nail Salon in Queens,NY is no exception. Shinki's doesn't have all the latest surveillance equipment, but they do have a small security camera, which I presume made it an easy target for a dumbass crook like Kevin Cheeks. Cheeks robbed the place and thought he had it made when he jumped in the owner's van, stole it and went about his merry way. This is where technology comes into this story. The van had a GPS unit in it! Kevin's freedom was about to become a short-lived thing. Cops used the van's GPS to follow Cheeks all around NYC until they caught up with him and busted his sorry, criminal dumb ass. Kevin's "reward" for robbing four people of their valuables and Shinki's of $300 cash was to be found guilty by a jury of his peers in less than two hours. Now Kevin's little excursion into the life of crime will cost him up to twenty years in prison.

Kevin, however, will never be lonely as our favorite inmate Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams has been notified of Mr. Cheeks' impending arrival at prison. Leon is very excited to have some what he calls "fresh meat", that he has a cute new nickname for Kevin when he finally gets to the Big House. Sweet Cheeks. Not Kevin Cheeks anymore. Sweet Cheeks.  Sweet Cheeks, you are for the next twenty years Leon's little play pretty. Have a nice day! Dumbass.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Hooker Short Changes College Boy; He Files Law Suit

Vegas Escorts
Being an American gives you the right to pursue your dreams and the attendant success or failure that goes with them. Being an American also gives you the right to be a dumbass. What a country! Being an American dumbass entails doing stoopid shit like suing McDonalds because you spill their coffee in your lap and it burns you. That doesn't even register on the Dumbass O Meter when compared to the story you are about to read. I am gonna warn you in advance so you can have some sort of soft place for your chin to land when it drops to the floor in just a moment. Ready? Let's proceed then.

First, a little background. A college guy from New York goes to Las Vegas. College guy from New York gets FUBAR. College guy from New York calls "escort service" for a little "companionship". Right or wrong, there is nothing unusual about this little tale of woe - yet. "Escort service" sends over young lady to spend an hour with the drunk college guy from New York. The "escort" arrived at the the dumbass college guy from New York's hotel, where for $155 she stripped and did a lap dance. For an extra $120 the young whore performed a sex act on the dumbass college guy from New York. She then left. Here's where the dumbass just oozes into this story. The dumbass college guy from New York paid the young slut to be his "escort" for an hour. And, lo and behold, she only stayed for a half hour! So, College Boy did what any conscientious young man would do when he felt like he got ripped off by the young hooker. He called the "escort service" and complained and demanded a refund. The "escort service" told him to politely fuck off. Unappreciative of the most generous offer from the "escort service", dumbass college guy from New York calls the Better Business Bureau and the local police! From the Aol News story,"He needs medical treatment, he said, for trauma caused when police told him he could be arrested for soliciting prostitution, which, believe it or not, is actually illegal in Las Vegas. "I had almost had gotten arrested," he wrote in the filing. "I just need medical treatment on mental condition & psycotic [sic] disorder."You can't make this stuff up. Wait. This. Gets. Better. After dumbass college guy got back to New York, he filed a lawsuit against the "escort service"! Here's what he said in his self-filed law suit, "I also would like to get my $275 payment back and a $1.8 million verdict for the tragic event that happened." After the judge quit laughing so hard he pissed his judge robe, he threw out the suit and told College Boy that he is a dumbass of epic proportions. Undaunted by the judge's admonition, dumbass college guy from New York plans to appeal the judge's decision. The next sound you hear will be the judges on the Appellate Court doubled up in pain from laughing, begging someone to tell them that this is a joke. Soon enough, dumbass college guy from New York will be screwed again, just not the way he had hoped it would be. Dumbass.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

At Least There Will be No Dancing!

Non-Baptist Young People
On a recent Sunday, dumbass members of the Greater New Zion Baptist Church in Fletcher, North Carolina had a meeting - fists meeting noses, fists meeting jaws...A fight broke out during a church service! Amen! Talk about standing up for the Lord! But, I have this sneaky feeling that the Lord was not amused that a brawl broke out during a worship service. At least they weren't dancing. <----A little Baptist humor there.

It took policemen from five different agencies to quell this mini-riot of about 75 people. I am operating on the assumption that the Greater New Zion Baptist Church is made up of a fairly conservative group of parishoners. I base that on the fact that a) they are Baptists and b) they are in North Carolina. I don't think you'll find many Liberals in the congregations of churches like Greater New Zion. I'm just sayin'. But what in God's name would bring people attending church services to come to blows with one another? I certainly don't know the answer and so far neither do the cops. Maybe some Duke University grads went to the church which is attended by U of North Carolina Alums, with the intention of having a hymnal raid. You know what I mean...a hymnal raid is like a panty raid except it's not as "naughty" and is surely nowhere near as fun. Or maybe the Duke guys wanted to dance with the UNC graduate Church Ladies. Worse yet, maybe the Duke guys wanted to have sex with the UNC Church Ladies while they were standing up! This is totally unacceptable! Having sex while standing up could lead some people to believe that they were dancing! (That's my allotment of Baptist and dancing jokes for one column) Regardless, these people are dumbasses. If they would have been Catholic, holy mackerel (!), the penance would have been to say at least 100 "Hail Marys" and to clean up after several meetings of the Knights of Columbus. The latter part of this penance is most extreme. have you ever seen the aftermath of a Knights of Columbus meetings? Alas, the group in question is strictly a Baptist one and the punishment will be quite different, but no less severe. This congregation will have to now sit down in front of their televisions and watch a full hour of Paul Crouch and his hair, on the Trinity Broadcasting Network, a fate worse than sliding down a 100 yard long razor blade and landing in a pool of rubbing alcohol. A terrible penalty indeed, but at least they won't have to dance. Or have sex standing up. Dumbasses.

Monday, February 7, 2011

False Teeth Foil Felon!

When a crime is committed, there are a number of ways to link a particular suspect to it. Fingerprints and DNA immediately come to mind. Thanks to a dumbass in Sacramento, California, there is now a brand new way to place a suspect at the scene of the crime - false teeth. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the latest tool in the forensic arsenal of police forces all over the country is now dentures. Let me splain.

A guy named James Brown (not the dead black guy, this JB is a live stupid shit white guy) stole a car and while tooling around in said stolen car crashed into two other automobiles. And some fences. And landscaping. Our man James fled the scene on foot bloodied and injured according to witnesses. That's a dumbass move in and of itself. The cops IDed James as the culprit because of something he left at the crash site - his false teeth! I'm no authority on dentures, but I assume that they are somewhat mouth-specific. Unique like a fingerprint, I guess. James lost his choppers when the airbag in the car he swiped deployed upon impact with one of the other cars he crashed into. The dumbass. To top it off, James has one of the best mugshots ever!
Member of the Ugly White guy Dumbass Hall of Shame


It should come as no surprise that James Brown the Dumbass White Guy is no stranger to law enforcement. At the time of his arrest in Sacramento, he was wanted in Washington, D.C. on an escape from jail charge. Evidently James has a history of escaping from the custody of the police. I am gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that during his previous escapes from the law, James never once left his dentures behind. I'm just sayin'. He did this time, however, and the cops put the bite on him. Dumbass.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

A Dumbass Repeat !!!


30 Day Home to a Dumbass
Let me right off the bat say that I am a yay for science kind of guy. Having said that, I think you'll understand why I have named a lady who spent thirty days in a museum the Dumbass of the Day.

This little tale of dumbassery comes to us from Chicago which soon will not be known as The Windy City, but as The Dumbass City. Here's why: A lady named Kate won a drawing and the first prize was $10,000 and a thirty day stay at the museum. The ten grand I am all over. But the thirty days in the museum, not so much. I once spent twelve days in a Ford mini van, hoisted about fifteen feet in the air by a big ass crane, as a promotional event for a Ford dealership in Wichita Falls, Texas. Thirty days in a museum would be a cakewalk compared to that, but it's still not on my Top Ten List Ways to Be Couped Up.

So Katie the Dumbass Lady "won" this contest and spent a month in the Museum of Science and Industry doing God knows what with pistons, fulcrums and levers. Sounds like a porn flick in the making. But I digress.

Katie's itinerary included breakfast with Apollo astronaut Jim Lovell, watching an open heart surgery and interacting with teachers and students who visited the museum. I don't know about you, but my perfect day starts off with a pan-fried pork chop, fried eggs and fried taters, followed by a little open heart surgery as a prelude to lunch. I understand that the teachers and students who came across Katie during their field trips to the museum, went home and said, "Mommy! We saw the new dumbass exhibit at the museum today! And she talks!" At which point Mommy replied, "That's nice, dear."

"These 30 days have been a whirlwind of 'firsts' for me, and it's been such a great experience," Katie said. "It's hard to believe that this adventure is coming to a close, but I have definitely discovered my inner science geek during these 30 days and met some incredible people." Discovered her inner science geek? I think she discovered her inner "I am a bigger dumbass now than I was thirty days ago" geek who hallucinated on some 2000 year old mushrooms from the "Technology In Farming" exhibit. Put simply, Katie was a stoned dumbass for thirty days. That's the only explanation I can't come with in regards to her quote above.

I gotta hand it to Katie in one regard though. She's a stoned dumbass with ten grand and I'm a sober dumbass who, that if it cost a nickel to go around the world, couldn't get out of town.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Mascot Mugger Merits More Molson

Pucky the Whale - Jack Wagon Mascot
Hockey is a great game, even for a Redneck from Texas. I remember when I was in my early teens, my Mom took me to a Dallas Blackhawks game at the State Fair Ice Arena (I think). The 'Hawks were a minor league affiliate of the Chicago Blackhawks of the NHL. I fell in love with the game right then and there. The action was non-stop, the sounds of the game were hypnotic, the sound of the skate blades on the ice, the sound of hockey sticks smacking into each other and the fights. Man, the fights! Oh! And the fans! They were nuts. I think that you have to be a little off-kilter to really get into hockey. Maybe that's why I like it so much. Case in point: me.
It appears that I'm not the only dumbass that likes hockey as today's story will show.

Hartford, Connecticut has a minor league hockey team named the Whalers. The team's fans are boisterous, loud and drunk. At least one fan was drunk. And a dumbass. That's a dumbass combination when you're at a hockey where there may be other drunk fans, like the buddies you went to the game with. I feel the dumbassery in this story. The Whalers were doing hockey battle with a team from Moose Turd, Saskatchewan, Canada when the drunk dumbass made a bet with his drunk dumbass buddies. he bet the drunk dumbasses that he could be the biggest drunk dumbass in Hartford on this particular night. And he won the bet by attacking the team's mascot!!! You gotta admit that's a pretty dumbass thing to do. Interrupting a sporting event always puts the police and team security personnel in a bad mood. The drunk guy, Kevin, tackled the Whalers' mascot and started punching him. I would normally not condone this sort of behavior, but I do have a tiny amount of sympathy for Kevin. Why? I'll tell you why. the Whalers' team mascot is named "Pucky the Whale". Are. You. Kidding. Me? that's the best they could do? Frakkin' Pucky the Whale? This is why I don't slam Kevin the Drunk Fan as hard as I might otherwise. Hell, with a name like Pucky the Whale, the mascot deserved to have his ass kicked. This is hockey for God's sake, not volleyball or some other sissy sport. The stupid mascot should have a name like Gus or Puck U, something that sounds like a hockey guy's name. Pucky indeed. Whoever is responsible for that name should be cross-checked at center ice for an hour. Or better yet, hang a little target in front of his gazebos and let the biggest, baddest penalty shot guy on the team play a game of "Bull's Eye Over the Mascot's Gazebos". It's the only way to protect the integrity of mascots at all levels of hockey!

I'm not sure that I have ever switched from one dumbass to another one in the middle of the column, but today's switcheroo was the only way to bring attention not to the behavior of drunk fans, but team mascots with fucking sissy jack wagon names! It looks like I owe Kevin a beer.

Friday, February 4, 2011

From High School to Prison - A Career Path!

Fun Group Activities!
Like any parent of a school aged child, there are times when it's necessary to pick up your kid early from school. Doctor's appointments immediately come to mind as a good reason to do so. A dumbass lady in Lilburn, Georgia recently picked up her seventeen year old son and some of his buddies early from school so they could have a little "together time". By "together time", I mean time together to rob a bank. Yes, friends, the dumbass broad got her kid and some of his amigos out of school early so they could commit a Federal crime. And here I was feeling a bit guilty for checking Issy out of class early to go to the eye doctor. Now, I can plan eye doctor appointments around the fun things in life for a Dad and his little girl. Things like stealing an ATM from a local merchant. Or knocking over a convenience store. Issy will be so happy that we can do these things together! She'll be the envy of the second grade!

I hope you know I am only kidding about teaching my little girl about a life of crime. I just can't fathom what the dumbass Mom the Bank Robber was thinking when she took her son and his friends to rob a bank. Was it a take your kid to work day? The kids the dumbass took with her to rob the bank are high school kids. Did they not know that they would be in deep shit if they robbed a bank? Oh, yeah, I forgot that dumbass begets dumbass. It's in Darwin's Theory of Evolution or something.

This group of dumbasses got arrested post haste and now they'll all be fresh meat in the Georgia prison system where I'm sure they'll all learn about fun group activities like "Drop the Soap, Get a Surprise" or "My Salami, Your Buns". Dumbasses.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Malawi Looks to Ban Farting!

According to the Chinese calendar, 2011 is the Year of the Rabbit. But according to the Dipshit Calendar, 2011 is the Year of the Dumbass. And, ladies and gentlemen, the dumbasses of the world have not let us down so far in this young year.

The Next Malawian Law?
We bitch and moan about the dumbasses that we have elected to our gubmint, and rightfully so, but we rarely whine and complain about foreign leaders. That is about to change. While we are supplied with an endless flow of dumbass in the USA, ours aren't the only dumbasses elected to High Office. Take Malawi, please! for example. What's that? Where's Malawi? I think it's near New Jersey. What do I look like? A Rand-McNally Atlas? But, I digress.

In Malawi, which is a New Jersey Secret Code Word for "our women are ugly and at least we're not Delaware", that nation's President is calling for a law to outlaw farting in some instances. In my opinion, this law doesn't pass the smell test. (insert your own fart joke here) I am not making this stuff up. The UPI, which does make up stuff, reports that the proposed Fart Law will "include measures to ban "passing gas" with the intention to "mold responsible and disciple citizens," "insulting the modesty of a woman," "disturbing religious assemblies" and "trespassing on burial places". Let's break down this proposal into sections. The first section we'll observe is the "Intention to Mold Responsible and Disciple Citizens" Section". What. The. Hell.? How in the world can the fart-or "mold" a fart-ee? Will the fart-ee's face become molded into a "holy shit that thing stinks" look when somebody lets one rip? You know, like your Mom told you when you were  kid. "If you keep making that hideous face it will freeze like that forever." Furthermore, what if some Malawian prankster got his hands on a whoopie cushion and went all over the place "farting" and causing other Malawians' faces to "freeze like that"? would that be a crime? If so, what would the punishment be? On to the "Insulting the Modesty of a Woman Section" of this would-be law. If a modest woman, the fart-ee marries a flatulent man, the fart-or, can she testify against him in a court of law? If not, then her status as a fart-ee is immaterial to the case, and she must suffer the life of a fart-ee married to a fart-or until death do they fart part. Thank goodness there is opposition to this statute. The Main Opposition Guy said the bill, which would also impose penalties on people posing as fortune tellers, would create a "kangaroo-like court" that would "not be ideal for a democracy."Yeah, fart-ors and fortune tellers are the bane of a civilized society, aren't they?

Just remember this. When they outlaw farts, only outlaws will have farts. Dumbasses.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Dumbass Busted for Importing Illegal Cucarachas!

The Shit Eater Family
Over the course of the brief lifetime of this blog, we have seen some dumbass stuff. We have seen a guy who "dives" into Port-a-Potties, a cop tase a female cop's ass at the Police Station, and one of my personal favorites, the guy who was stranded on an island for five days before using his cell phone to call for help.today's venture into dumbassery is right up there with the best (worst?) dumbass stories we have seen so far. Let me splain.

Our Dumbass of the Day today, Derek Rader, resides in Orlando, Florida. Derek got busted not for drug running or smuggling Cubans into the country, he was nabbed because he bought illegal cockroaches on the internet! It looks as though Derek forged a permit to import this particular kind of cucaracha, since only organizations such as zoos are permitted to own them, and even they have to follow strict protocol when they do have them. It should also be noted that this kind of roach is considered an invasive species (like Yankees who move to Florida) by state biology-type guys. This information leads us to the conclusion that Derek is a dumbass.

Derek the Dumbass has been charged with forging a public record certificate, fraud and introduction of pests that affect plant life. Although the cops and whatever other state officials aren't sure what the dumbass was going to do with the roaches, they did note that the roachus dumbassus are soft-shelled and high in protein content. I have a question here. How the hell do the state official dumbasses know that these bugs are protein-rich? Did they have some for breakfast and one the guys says, "Wow! These foreign cockroaches are chock full of protein! You can taste it in every bite!" Do they have a tiny protein meter they stick up the roach's little hiney that measures protein levels?" These are questions that demand answers! But, I digress.

Being from Texas, I have seen my fair share of roaches and agree that some dumbass ordering an invasive variety of the little shit eaters should be punished. Lock the dumbass up and put him on work detail. His duties should include washing, drying, folding and replacing all the tiny little towels in every roach motel in Orlando. The Dumbass.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Ed Takes a Walk and Then Becomes a Prison Bitch 30 Years Later

Famous Old Man Prison Bitch
Some of the most frequent targets of this blog are Dumbass Criminals and today is no exception. Today's dumbass had it made until he peed in public. Edward Nathan, Jr had been on the lam since 1983 (!), seemingly a free man after he walked off a work detail in Florida almost thirty years ago.

Ed was convicted of armed robbery and was serving part of his sentence in a Tampa work release center when one day he just walked away. recently, he was picked up by Georgia Police when a cop in Atlanta saw Ed pissin' in public. I understand that when Nature calls, you have little choice in the matter, Ed, but ain't there public toilets or maybe even a big tree to hide behind down in Georgia? Taking a leak in public has got to be one of the stupidest reasons in the history of man to get busted for. Especially if you are running from the law! I am thankful for Ed and guys like him, they keep this blog in business, but c'mon, man! You dumbass!

As I mentioned earlier, Ed was serving 5 years for armed robbery when he took a walk from the work release program and disappeared into the Florida sun in 1983. If he was on a work release deal, wouldn't that mean that he was fairly close to completing his sentence? Another question. if escaping prison was Ed's wish back then, why would he stay in Georgia, which the last time I looked shared a common border with Florida? Why not haul ass to California or some shit, Ed? You know, mix in with the other 35 million or so folks out there. Oh, yeah, Ed is a dumbass! My bad.

So now Ed is 50 years old and will certainly be in prison for much longer than his original 5 year sentence. He could have paid his debt to society, been under 30 years old and led a long productive life. Now he'll lead a long life as an old prison bitch to this blog's adopted felon, Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams. Have a nice stay, Ed. And give our regards to Leon! Dumbass.
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