Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: June 2011 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Monday, June 20, 2011

Walkin' Away...

I think I owe you all an explanation as to why I am shutting down my blogs for a while. As many of you know, I have some health that have become a major issue in my life. None are life-threatening, but they still play a role in how I live my daily life and limit my ability to do certain things. I am trying to get back to a "normal" life, so I can be a better husband and father. It will take several weeks to get things back to ":normal", but I intend to battle my way back ASAP.
I have some physical as well as mental heath stuff (arthitis, fibromyalgia, bipolar disorder and more) that will take up a lot of time for treatment. The archives on both blogs will always be available to you to read about some "new" stuff. Please use them, if that is your wish.
I want to thank you all for your unwavering support over the last year. You have been nothing short of amazing! Of course the "Donation" button is still there on the home page. If you like to help me defray my medical cosst, a donation would be a much needed gift.
Thank you all for reading and all the joy you have brought to my life just because you clicking on one of my blogs. I appreciate each and everyone of you and your support.


God bless,
Toby

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Friday, June 17, 2011

Help Out a Fellow Dumbass!

Dumbasses still pervade our society and there are a million stories to be brought to light. I will be doing that again beginning Monday morning. I am grateful for those of you who have kept reading during my absence. Your support for me is something I don't take for granted and I never will. I have had some medical issues to deal with over the last week that have put a temporary hold on blogging. But, I will be back!

This would be a great time for you to hit my tip jar so I can defray some of the medical expenses I am incurring. But if you decide to do that, please donate on the PayPal button on Three States Plus One.

Thanks to all you dumbasses for your support. The Head Dumbass (me) is humbled by it all.

Adios and hit the Tip Jar!
Toby, Head Dumbass

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Dumbasses and Their Texts!

Use the Damn Phone!
Cell phones. Love 'em or hate 'em, they are here to stay. Sure they can ring at the most inopportune time when you forget to shut them off or set them for "vibrate', but they are extremely useful gizmos in case of an emrgency or if your on the way home and the wife calls and asks you to stop by the local grocery store and pick up a loaf of bread. Cell phones can be extremely useful in solving crimes also. Just a couple of days ago we posted this story about a dumbass burglar whose cell phone lead to his eventual arrest. Even the good guys get busted via evidence on their cell phones. "Good guys" like this former District Attorney that was "sexting" a woman who was the victim of a sexual assault and he was prosecuting the case. That's a big no-no. That's why his title is now former D.A.

Texting is "the next big thing" and has been for a while. I really don't get the whole texting craze is all about. I mean if you've got something to tell somebody why don't you call them?! It's a cell PHONE, for Pete's sake! Dumbasses.

My whole rant above was about texting. There's a website that lists texts submitted by readers and posts them on their web site, Texts from Last Night. The texts on the site are sometimes laugh out lous funny. many are made up, I'm sure, but they are still flat funny. Let me give you a Content Warning: Many of these texts are NSFW! Here's a couple of examples from the front page.

Sample texts from Texts from Last Night :

I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.

I am not making this shit up. These are actual texts from the commenters at Texts From Last Night. I am obligated to warn you again, that some of the stuff you'll see at TFLN is NSFW and just plain old nasty. Go ahead and click on over and see that dumbasses abound in our great country. It's a helluva deal. Dumbasses.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Those Wacky Canadians!

Barley Pop, eh?
I get a big kick out of our Canadians friends when one of them pulls a stunt that's dumbass-worthy. In Canada, that's quite a feat because those hosers know how to do two things extremely well - drink and smoke pot. I don't say that in a negative way, a few years ago I would've fit right in with them. Besides, I don't have a passport and I'd need one to get across the border. Once I get a passport, I'd feel compelled do some serious "research" into the drunk and stoned Canadian Community. It's a tough job, but etc, etc, etc. I wonder if I could write it off as a business expense? I'd be drunk/baked blogging about my "research". "Research" like this could take two, three, maybe 5 years of unending drinking and smoking pot to come to an indisputable conclusion regarding the drunk and stoned Canadian Community. But, that's a risk Id be willing to take as long as it benefited the "scientific" community.

Now, let's get down to brass tacks. Until recently, Joshua Atkinson was just an ordinary drunk and stoned dumbass Canadian. But, my main man Jon ratcheted up the dumbass to new, never-before-seen levels, even for a Canadian dumbass. On December 30, Jon got plastered and did the right thing and called a taxi to take him home. Then, he fell asleep in the cab because he was so lit. The cops were called, Jonathon  was arrested and the streets of Point Edward, Ontario were safe from one more drunk/stoned Canadian. This offense is an everyday Canadian dumbass occurrence so it's not really worth getting worked up over. You'll be happy to know that Jon was not about to let his fellow drunk/stoned Canadian mates down. Not only was Jon Boy put in the slammer 60 days, he missed his own wedding due to his incarceration! Jonny, dumbasses everywhere salute you for sticking to your drunk/stoned Canadian principles and missing out of what could have been the worst mistake of your life! No, dumbass, not for getting a 60 day jail term, but for getting a 60 day jail term and missing your own wedding!  Fuckin' A genius! I never missed one of my weddings by getting drunk/stoned and arrested. I had to get hammered to just show up at the wedding! Now that I think about it, I don't know who's the bigger dumbass, me or Jon. Him for missing his wedding or me for showing up to mine. Now, I'm depressed. I don't drink, but I need a beer.

Dumbass.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

A Facebook Love Story...Or Not.

The Bane of Civilization?
Facebook. You've got Facebook. I've got Facebook. All God's children got Facebook. Or so it seems. For me Facebook has been a valuable tool in my "online life". Through Facebook, I have connected with friends that I hadn't heard from in thirty-five years. I have also used Facebook to promote all my blogs, including this one, with amazing results. I'm sure there are tens of millions of other people around the world who have had similar experiences with the social network. This is not the case with everyone, however.

Take this dumbass couple from Brooksville, Florida. Please! They were evidently having some domestic issues when the lady changed her relationship status on facebook and the guy went ape shit.To make matters worse, she had the unmitigated gall to "unfriend" him. As you and I know this is not a good sign of domestic tranquility. Especially for dumbasses. However, this is where hilarity ensues.

The chick started throwing things at the dude, who retaliated by throwing stuff back at her and then punching her in the head. God knows what would have happened if she turned down his request to play Farmville. We could be talking murder one here. Long story, short. The cops came heard both sides of the story and then hauled both these dumbasses of to jail on charges of domestic violence. That's a helluva price to pay for being "unfriended" on Facebook.

Upon arrival at the County Jail, one of the arresting officers was overheard to say, "Facebook 'em, Danno"  :)  Dumbasses.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Drunk Dumbass Pisses on Chicken in Supermarket!

Marinated in Piss
Grocery shoppers in Little Rock BEWARE! There's a guy who could be in your local Kroger store pissing all over the Pilgrim's Pride or Tyson chicken! What this dumbass has in mind by pissing on the chicken, I don't know. But, I am relieved to know that he bypassed the T-bone steaks. If the dude had peed on the T-bones, I would become a vegetarian on the spot. Pissing on the yard bird, not so much. Anyway...

This dumbass went to a Kroger store (Kroger is a large grocery store company - ed.) in Little Rock as decided that he would "marinate" the yard birds with his tinkle. I know you'll find this difficult to believe, but the dumbass was drunk! The Little Rock police got a call from Kroger's saying that a man was being "verbally aggressive" with some of the employees. But, before the Law could get there the dumbass peed on over $500 worth of chicken. He also ate a large package of ham. I happen to know that the good people of Little Rock love their hogs, ooooooooooohhhhhhh pig soooooooo-eeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy! A little football lingo there.

So...the dumbass pisses on over $500 worth of chicken, eats a large package of ham and gets verbally aggressive with store employees. Enter the LRPD who quickly subdue the drunk dumbass and prepare to haul his ass to jail. Upon confronting the dumbass suspect, the police made this brilliant observation, "he was reported by officers to have been unsteady on his feet, smelled of alcohol and had bloodshot eyes

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Dumbass Shoots, Kills Wife During Sex!

Not a Sex Aid
The story you are about to read is both dumbass and tragic. It provides a valuable, although horrific, lesson that even being a dumbass has its limits before you cross over into negligence and criminality. Sadly, the dumbass in our story today learned a lesson he'd rather not have been taught, I hope. here's what I mean by "I hope":

A 23 year old man and his wife, 50, were having sex when the woman was killed by a single gunshot wound to the head. WTF? you are asking. I've heard of people dieing of heart attacks during sex, but a fatal gunshot during the act? Not so much.

The 23 year old man told police that he and his wife often played a little game during sex in which he would put a handgun to her head while they did the deed. They were engaged in sex when he grabbed a gun off the nightstand not realizing that it was loaded and he put it to her head like he said he always did, when the gun accidently discharged, killing the woman. What a fucking dumbass. I won't go into gun safety here, because I would just be preaching to the choir. On top of that, the dumbass guy owned several other weapons and should have damn sure known better. Instead, a woman lays dead in cold storage in an Oklahoma morgue.

Not surprisingly, the cops believed this dumbass' story like I believe in the Tooth Fairy. He's being held on charges of first degree murder, soon to be in his own private little domicile on Death Row in an Oklahoma State Penitentiary, assuming of course that he found guilty by a jury of his peers, many of whom will be responsible gun owners who look down on such reckless behavior while in possession of a firearm.

Even if this dumbass gets life in prison, he'll almost certainly become a prison bitch to Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams. And Leon hates people who are such dumbasses with a weapon, but Leon loves to show his new bitches his "howitzer". Enjoy it, dumbass. I know Leon will.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Dumbass Arsonist at Parade!

As I have previously mentioned, the dumbass is strong in our country, and no state is immune from it. The dumbass infects people at a rate H1N1 only wishes it could. Today's dumbass story comes from California, Pennsylvania. When I saw the word "California", that's a red flag lit up by neon right there. I know that's a terrible assumption to make, but hey, California has brought it upon itself for being the Dumbass Capital of the World. But, I digress. Back to Pennsylvania...the dumbass antagonist in our story today attends California University of Pennsylvania, a dumbass name for a college in and of itself. What's their mascot, the Fighting Dumbasses? Actually the school's mascot has something to do with either fire or Vulcans, I can't figure out what the hell it is. At any rate, this young man, whom we'll call Dumbass College Guy, helps keep school spirit up by dressing as Vulcan the Fire god and zis boom ba-ing his way into the hearts of his fellow students and alumni. Except when he veers off into arson.

Yes, Dumbass College Guy is an arsonist. That's the last thing I would when I see some dumbass dressed up as the god of FIRE! And Dumbass College Guy doesn't let us down. During the school's homecoming parade, Dumbass College Guy, dressed in full god of FIRE regalia, had too much time on his hands when the old arson bug bit him. So, as any arsonist worth his accelerants would do, Dumbass College Guy turned arsonist, lit one of the floats in the homecoming parade on fire! Assuming Dumbass College Guy thought he could get away with this dastardly deed, what was he gonna do? Go on the lam? In a god of fire outfit? I've got this crazy hunch that there are not too many other dumbasses in California, Pennsylvania running around in god of fire outfits. But that's just me.

It goes with saying, that Dumbass College Guy Turned Arsonist was apprehended very quickly. Upon his arrest, a university spokes-dumbass said that Dumbass College Guy Turned Arsonist, was sent to a "medical facility". Ya think? Then she goes on to say that Dumbass College Guy Turned Arsomist was a well-liked member of the student community, etc., nevermind that pesky arson incident. Now Dumbass College Guy Turned Arsonist will have plenty of time on his hands to set fire to prison inmate Leon the Lifer, who just loves to have his wick lit.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Ed Takes a Walk to Prison Bitch-hood

Famous Old Man Prison Bitch
Some of the most frequent targets of this blog are Dumbass Criminals and today is no exception. Today's dumbass had it made until he peed in public. Edward Nathan, Jr had been on the lam since 1983 (!), seemingly a free man after he walked off a work detail in Florida almost thirty years ago.

Ed was convicted of armed robbery and was serving part of his sentence in a Tampa work release center when one day he just walked away. Recently, he was picked up by Georgia Police when a cop in Atlanta saw Ed pissin' in public. I understand that when Nature calls, you have little choice in the matter, Ed, but ain't there public toilets or maybe even a big tree to hide behind down in Georgia? Taking a leak in public has got to be one of the stupidest reasons in the history of man to get busted for. Especially if you are running from the law! I am thankful for Ed and guys like him, they keep this blog in business, but c'mon, man! You dumbass!

As I mentioned earlier, Ed was serving 5 years for armed robbery when he took a walk from the work release program and disappeared into the Florida sun in 1983. If he was on a work release deal, wouldn't that mean that he was fairly close to completing his sentence? Another question. If escaping prison was Ed's wish back then, why would he stay in Georgia, which the last time I looked shared a common border with Florida? Why not haul as to California or some shit, Ed? You know, mix in with the other 35 million or so folks out there. Oh, yeah, Ed is a dumbass! My bad.

So now Ed is 50 years old and will certainly be in prison for much longer than his original 5 year sentence. He could have paid his debt to society, been under 30 years old and led a long productive life. Now he'll lead a long life as an old prison bitch to this blog's adopted felon, Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams. Have a nice stay, Ed. And give our regards to Leon! Dumbass.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

How Could We Forget Spuds McDumbass?

Breakfast
***Repost from December, 2010***

 I am sitting here in my living room with my wife watching a DVR'ed  Dr. Phil show. The topic is very timely. The show's about overeating and gaining weight during the holiday season. Millions of Americans will fight the Battle of the Bulge over the next few weeks as the visit Grandma's house and eat. The in-laws' house and eat. The kids' house and eat. You get the picture. That's just the nature of the beast st this time of year.

There's a dumbass in Moses Lake, Washington that is the head of the Washington State Potato Commission. You are asking yourself, "Now, Toby, why would you just jump to the conclusion that the Head of the Washington State Potato Commission is a dumbass?" Fair question. I will now present to you conclusive evidence that this guy is a dumbass. Prepare to be amazed. Or nauseated. Or something.

The Head Spud Guy in Washington is named Chris Voigt. Chris recently took of the cause of defending and repairing the reputation of potatoes. Hey, he's the Head Spud Guy, so it's understandable why he'd do that. But, Chris the Head Spud Guy went a bit overboard in his efforts to de-demonize potatoes. How? Well, Chris went a on potatoes-only for 60 days! And he was mighty proud of the fact that he lost 17 pounds during his diet. Well, guess what, Chris, you dumbass? You could eat nothing but pork chops for two months and you'd still lose weight. 

Chris gave us this pearl of wisdom, "I've baked, boiled, broiled, fried, smashed and shredded potatoes." He said he avoided all the add-ons that you'd normally put on taters including butter, sour cream and bacon bits. It seems that the "health conscious crowd", or as I call them anorexic dumbasses, doesn't like you to put butter, sour cream or bacon bits on your spuds. I say WHY? Chris, just look at the the dumbasses you are trying to prove wrong! They are going to die sick fuckers from not eating any of the good stuff! On the other hand, you will live longer than those "health conscious" assholes because you ate real food that nourished your body the way it needs to be nourished. Don't get me wrong, I know that it's not healthy to do anything in excess, however, doing nothing but eating tofu and bean sprouts ain't gonna cut the mustard either. Put the "health conscious" crowd on a 60 day tofu-only diet and what would you get? A dead anorexic tofu-eating member of the "health conscious" crowd! Dumbasses.

I think I'll head over to Wendy's and get me a triple decker baconator and a baked potato with sour cream, lots of butter, cheese and bacon bits. Wanna join me, Chris? We can make fun of tofu eating anorexic dumbasses.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Double Dumbass Delight!

Today on Dumbass News we have a rare treat for you. Hold on to your hats because today we have for your reading pleasure a Dumbass Daily Double! Yes, friends, today's post has twice the dumbassery as your regular Dumbass News post, with twice the hilarity! Since today is Friday, this is doubly exciting! So grab that cup of coffee and brace yourself for all the bullshit fun, froth and frivolity of a Dumbass Daily Double!

Today's foray into the World of Dumbass takes place in the Mile High City of Denver, Colorado. A dumbass who shall remain nameless (Terry Bannick) is a man without a home...other than his Ford truck, which is a lot better than other homeless dumbasses. Not that all homeless people are dumbasses, but the homeless do have their share of dumbasses just like the homed (?) population. But, I digress. So, Terry the Homeless Dumbass is asleep in the back of his truck, which has a camper shell on it by the way, or as it is known in the homeless community, a "condo", when all of the sudden he hears the motor of his truck come to life! Horror of horrors, another dumbass was stealing Terry's condo truck! Terry had left the keys to his truck in the ignition! Anyway, Terry calls the cops on his cell phone to report the theft of his truck, but because he's in the camper shell part of the truck, he can't pinpoint his location so the local fuzz can help him out. meanwhile Dumbass #2, the truck thief, was ignoring Terry as he (Terry) told him (Dumbass #2) that he was on the phone with the cops. Dumbass #2 is finally busted when the truck runs out of gas, Terry is saved and the homeless in Denver rejoice. The truck thief was charged with auto theft and, as if you hadn't guessed by now, possession of marijuana. Who'd have thunk it? A thief busted doing something dumbass while in possession of a controlled substance. Terry was charged with being a dumbass living in the camper shell on his truck and a homeless dipshit for possessing a cell phone. I made that part up.

All's well that ends well, they say. Terry gets to keep his cell phone and his "condo", the stoned bad guy dumbass is in the Denver County Crossbar Hilton and the homeless population of the Mile High City has a new Homeless Hero in Terry the Dumbass. The End.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Fight Breaks Out at....a Church Service?

Non-Baptist Young People
On a recent Sunday, dumbass members of the Greater New Zion Baptist Church in Fletcher, North Carolina had a meeting - fists meeting noses, fists meeting jaws...A fight broke out during a church service! Amen! Talk about standing up for the Lord! But, I have this sneaky feeling that the Lord was not amused that a brawl broke out during a worship service. At least they weren't dancing. <----A little Baptist humor there.

It took policemen from five different agencies to quell this mini-riot of about 75 people. I am operating on the assumption that the Greater New Zion Baptist Church is made up of a fairly conservative group of parishoners. I base that on the fact that a) they are Baptists and b) they are in North Carolina. I don't think you'll find many Liberals in the congregations of churches like Greater New Zion. I'm just sayin'. But what in God's name would bring people attending church services to come to blows with one another? I certainly don't know the answer and so far neither do the cops. Maybe some Duke University grads went to the church which is attended by U of North Carolina Alums, with the intention of having a hymnal raid. You know what I mean...a hymnal raid is like a panty raid except it's not as "naughty" and is surely nowhere near as fun. Or maybe the Duke guys wanted to dance with the UNC graduate Church Ladies. Worse yet, maybe the Duke guys wanted to have sex with the UNC Church Ladies while they were standing up! This is totally unacceptable! Having sex while standing up could lead some people to believe that they were dancing! (That's my allotment of Baptist and dancing jokes for one column) Regardless, these people are dumbasses. If they would have been Catholic, holy mackerel (!), the penance would have been to say at least 100 "Hail Marys" and to clean up after several meetings of the Knights of Columbus. The latter part of this penance is most extreme. have you ever seen the aftermath of a Knights of Columbus meetings? Alas, the group in question is strictly a Baptist one and the punishment will be quite different, but no less severe. This congregation will have to now sit down in front of their televisions and watch a full hour of Paul Crouch and his hair, on the Trinity Broadcasting Network, a fate worse than sliding down a 100 yard long razor blade and landing in a pool of rubbing alcohol. A terrible penalty indeed, but at least they won't have to dance. Or have sex standing up.

Dumbasses.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Crook Should Have Used a Camaro as a Getaway Car

He Should Have Used a Camaro
I know that no member of this blog has any sort of legal woes in his or her past. After all, you are dumbasses and dumbasses never have run ins with the law. Can you believe that I wrote that with a straight face? Let's say for the sake of argument that you were the mastermind of a planned bank robbery. Assuming that you actually went into the bank, handed the teller a note demanding money and she complied and you haul ass out the door. What's the next logical step in this plan? Yes! Making a clean getaway! Hopefully in a very fast getaway car. Believe it or not, a dumbass crook in Dayton, Ohio pulled off the bank robbery and was making a ... s...l...o...w getaway. Let me splain.

Dumbass bank robber, Lonnie Johnson, is the above-mentioned crook in Dayton. he made the heist, ran outside, went down the street two blocks from the bank and wait...for...it...stood in line to board a bus!!! The bus came Lonnie got on it and he was home free! Not really, I made that home free part up. In the meantime, the cops had arrived at the bank and interviewed some people and some of them witnessed Lonnie board the bus. At this point, the police obtained information on the bus' route and simply followed the route , caught up with the bus and  arrested Lonnie while he was still in his seat. What a dumbass.

Not that I am planning a career change to become a bank robber, but as a public service to any and all bank robbers reading this blog, I feel obligated to point out some flaws in Lonnie's attempted robbery. First of all, if you plan on fleeing on foot for any portion of your getaway, it would be much better if you ran for more than two blocks from the bank. Second, don't stop and wait for a bus! It is a well-known fact that 99% of all the best bank robbers use really fast cars or maybe even motorcycles to effect a successful, at least in the beginning of the getaway process, escape from the authorities. Public transportation is notoriously slow and not on schedule and this will hamper even your best efforts to give the heat the slip, leading to a long period of incarceration at the nearest Federal Prison, maybe even with our man Lonnie. Dumbass.
Humor Blogs - Blog Rankings Google

Follow Us