Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: August 2011 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

College Golf Team Does Nekkid Calendar; Hides Gazebos Behind Golf Clubs

Big Bertha, Gazebo Concealer
I have been in contact via Facebook with some long-time friends of mine back home in Texas who have kids starting college this fall. Their offspring will be attending fine universities like Texas A & M - Commerce and the University of Texas at Tyler. It's probably a good thing that my friends are very involved with their kids' education and helped the youngsters make a decision on the school that is right for them. My friends, and by extension their children, will be pleased that Bethany College in Kansas was not among their final choices of institutions of higher learning. Let me splain.

Not too long ago a few members of the men's golf team at Bethany posed for a calendar. This was, however, no ordinary calendar! These young men posed nekkid using golf clubs to cover their gazebos and "putters". Putzes. I have never posed for nekkid photos for a calendar or any other publication, but I used to be a scratch (no pun intended) golfer and I have gazebos. I therefore feel that I am qualified to inject (again no pun intended) my golfing and gazebo knowledge into this conversation.

When trying to conceal one's "putter" for a photo, one should not use a putter (the golf club) in order to do so. The blade, of the putter would only hide a small portion of a man's "putter". Unless he has a small "putter". One should also consider the loft of the club (the angle at which it connects to the shaft), (again no pun intended...OK...maybe the pun was intended on this one). A pitching wedge, for example, has a loft that would be unsatisfactory in hiding one's "putter". A 2 or 3 iron maybe, but not a wedge. My choice would be a driver or a Big Bertha. Both of these clubs have large heads (OK, ALL the puns were intended!) on them that would most likely cover all but the largest of "putters". Of course, a head cover ( I kill myself) would be the most effective non-club option, but apparently that wasn't one the choices for the photo shoot. For non-golfers, a club cover is a sock-like gizmo that fits over the club heads of the woods (bwahahahaha) in a set of golf clubs that protects the club head from the elements and scratches, etc. That's the way I see it anyway.

These young men, their gazebos and "putters" (the clubs and non-clubs versions), were suspended from the first three tournaments in conference play for their shenanigans. Not for posing nude for the calendar, but for using the words "Bethany College" on it.

From the UPI story: 
School officials said the picture did not violate athletic regulations but the caption bore the words Bethany College, which officials said was an inappropriate use of the institution's name. I just want to make sure they understand life choices and consequences." Well hell! That cleared that right up, didn't it? What would the staff at Bethany College do if one of their coeds was a stripper and wore a BC tank top while gettin' neekid? I'm just askin'.

The golf team bogeyed this one and ended up stymied by the college. Such are the water hazards of life for young people. And par for the course.

Dumbasses.



Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Climate Change Causes Mental Illness! Billions Will Become Dumbasses!

Climate Change Sufferers Now Being Accepted
What catastrophe is Climate Change (CC), Global Warming (GW), whatever it's called this week, not responsible for? Today alone, I have read that it's this generation's racism according to Algore, brush fires, the obliteration of polar bears due to the melting of the Polar Ice Cap, in spite of the fact that there are now more polar bears today than in any other time in modern history and the Polar Ice Cap is growing, not melting, and the BIG news today is that CC (Climate Change) is causing mental illness among hundreds of millions of Earthlings. We're all going to be psychos !!!!!eleventy111!!!

Now, as someone who has a couple of forms of mental health issues, I can assure you, at least from my own point of view, that GW, nor any other form of weather/climate change, has made one iota of difference in the severity (good or bad) of my mental health. I have had these conditions for most of my life. Not even the "climate scare" of the 1970's (the coming of the New Ice Age) according to Time Magazine, June 24, 1974, nor the coming (already here?) incineration of the Earth due to GW has caused me to eat children or hate minorities. For you "normal" people out there, you are the ones who will join me in the Fruit Loops Club as Mental Defectives. How can I claim such a thing? It's on the internet so it must be true! Don't believe me? This article in the Sydney (Australia) Morning Herald backs me up...even though I know it's a bunch of Liberal Weenie/EnviroNazi Fear Mongering BS. It's a short column, so take a few seconds to peruse it.

If you've read this blog for any period of time, you know that I am just being a dumbass. Man-caused CC is a bunch of bullshit. It's a scheme for our "betters" like Algore to make millions of dollars by scaring the hell out of a bunch of real dumbasses, not the "good" dumbasses like you and me. Fear mongering and scare tactics are the modus operandi of dipshits like Algore. Think about this: Algore flies all over the world in a private jet spewing tons of CO2 and other pollutants into the atmosphere with each trip he takes. He has a mansion in Tennessee that uses as much energy as 100's of normal homes! Al the Dickweed spits forth the fact that sea levels are rising at an alarming rate, but guess what? He bought a multi-million dollar pad on the beach in California! Is Algore stoopid enough to buy such a home if the sea levels are truly rising so rapidly? He's an asshole, scam artist and a hypocrite but he ain't stoopid. He thinks you are stoopid. And he got rich off a shitload of stoopid fucks pandering his Climate Change crap.

Having said all that, there must be some truth to the CC causes mental illness. Just look at how wealthy the pea brains who believe in this fantasy made Algore and his ilk. They must be completely insane to fall for such a fucking hoax.

Dumbasses.


Monday, August 29, 2011

The Worlwide Horde of Dumbasses Overwhelms Commie State Gubmint of Maryland!

Commie State of Maryland Flag
Dumbasses from all over the world come through!!! Viva Dumbasses!

Today is monumental day for Dumbass News. For the first time in the history of this blog, I am rescinding the Dumbass of the Day Award to someone. It's a simple decision really. A few days ago, I wrote this post about the Commie State Gubmint of Maryland billing the family of a young woman who was killed in an automobile accident when she ran into a guardrail.

The Commie State Gubmint of Maryland reconsidered their dumbass decision after much criticism from both thousands of Dumbass News readers from all around my neighborhood over the globe I'd like to say. I'd like to say that but I am a bit skeptical of it. As of now, however, I'd like to remove the West Texas Mojo Curse off the Commie State Gubmint of Maryland and thank them for coming to their senses about such a boneheaded thing to do. Although the West Texas Mojo Curse has been removed, it can at any time for any reason be reinstated as I see fit. Having said that, I'd also like to say that the Commie State Gubmint of Maryland is still a Commie State Gubmint.They will remain on Dumbass Double Super Secret Probation until I and I alone decide that they are worthy of being designated otherwise. After all, they are still...

...Dumbasses.


Friday, August 26, 2011

Hurricane Irene Is Headed Straight For My House

Bring it, Bitch!
As you probably know there is a little thing going on in the Atlantic Ocean. It's called Hurricane Irene. Irene is a nasty bitch headed straight up the East Coast and will eventually run her bitch ass course somewhere in Canada. Many of you may not know that I live in Maine and Maine is next door neighbors with Canada and therefore this fucking hurricane is going to pass right through the middle of the Pine Tree State. Further, this Irene will pass nearly directly over where I am sitting right now. I do not look forward to this, but being a Texan and all, this hurricane is really not much more than a West Texas Turd Floater.

People all over the Globe read this blog and they may not have experienced such a potentially devastating weather event as a hurricane. I will, therefore, as long as the electricity stays on, try to live blog the passing of Irene as she makes her way over my house. The storm's arrival (here in Maine) is not due until Sunday afternoon or night, so I have a little time to keep you posted as to what is going on in regards to what's shakin'. (pun intended)

Here's  a shot of the predicted path of Irene as she slams into the state this weekend:






Now here's a link to accuweather.com that goes into more detail about Irene and what to expect for the Northeast US and New England, where I live. Augusta is teetering right on the edge of "thank goodness" and 'oh, shit!" as far as the intensity of the hurricane goes, but I think we'll be OK since we are the East, or "good" side of the storm.

Believe it or not, I am more worried about the damage to my small garden than I am to our residence. We'll be OK, the garden, not so much. Oh, well...There's always next year.

The Small Garden

In conclusion I'd like to say...Bring it on, Irene! we ain't skeered.

Dumbass. bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

UPDATE: Not as bad as we thought? Irene weakens. 

UPDATE #2: It's a dud. 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

NYC Mayor Bloomberg Shuns Heroes of 9/11/2001!

JINO Creep and His Master
The Mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg, is an asshole. He's a self-absorbed out of touch with the "little people" dickweed, too. He has instituted policies in NYC that make a sane person ask, what. the. fuck.? No salt in restaurant food, no trans fats in said food and some other Nanny State, the Citizens are too Stupid to Figure Stuff Out on Their Own edicts. In other words, Hizonner is a dumbass. Having said that, the New Yorkers who voted for this putz over and over again ain't too bright either. But Bloomberg and the idiots that put him into office are Liberals and Liberals know what's best for everybody else as long as such draconian rules don't apply to them. In spite of all the Commie doctrine that Mayor Dumbfuck had foisted upon the peasants citizens of New York, he recently issued an order that bans political and religious speech at the 10th Anniversary Memorial for 9/11! That's bad enough, but Bloomingidiot also did NOT invite the NYPD, FDNY and other first responders to participate in the ceremony!. I. Ain't. Making. This. Up. There a many sources that have reported on this, so rather than link to one source, here's a link of Google search results of many of those sources.

What the hell is this guy thinking? But, as the cheap ass merchandise TV commercials say, there's more! While denying the Freedom of Speech at this event to Christians and Jews, Bloomberg supports the construction of the Ground Zero Mosque! You know, a Mosque where Muslims "worship". These are the same 'Religion of Peace' (bwahahahahahaha) adherents that call Jews the sons of apes and pigs. The same ROP'ers who believe, as taught in the Koran, that the "Zionist Entity" (Israel) must be destroyed and all Jews (and other infidels) must be KILLED or put into servitude. What part of "these pedophile worshiping (pbuh) subhumans want to kill non-Muslims" does mayor Bloomberg not understand? Not only has the Mayor turned his back on people of faith and the heroes of the aftermath of 9/11, but all in one fell swoop he has told the people of NY and the USA "fuck you!"

This small little man obviously has a very high opinion of himself and will go to extraordinary lengths to impose his distorted (self-serving?) view of the world on his "subjects". No wonder NYC is bleeding residents fed up with this kind of immoral behavior. They are the truly smart ones who have fled Bloomberg's tyranny and Nanny Stateship.

Mr. Mayor, karma's a bitch and if you don't get yours in this lifetime for your betrayal of your fellow Jews and Christians, New Yorkers and Americans, then surely you'll get what you have coming when you stand before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, Allah God willing. I hope the people of New York City will heap the scorn and ridicule upon you that you so richly deserve you traitorous asshole.

So, on behalf of the millions of New Yorkers and Americans who despise you and your Godless JINO (Jew In Name Only) ways...FUCK YOU!

Dumbass.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

21Year Old Woman Dies in Crash, State Sends Parents a Bill for Guardrail Damage!

WARNING! This post contains language that may not be suitable for work and certainly IS NOT suitable for children. You have been WARNED!

In Remembrance***
This story could only happen in a Commie place like Maryland. Or New York. Or California. Or Illinois (specifically Chicago). I'm glad I came across this story because it gives me a chance to piss off a bunch of pansy Liberals. I don't like pansy Liberals. At all. They are a bunch of big government, intellectually bankrupt, holier than thou pussies. Let me spalin.

This past May 29 a terrible car accident killed 21 year old Sarah Marie Stebbins of Columbia, Maryland. needless to say her parents were crushed at the news of their young, vibrant daughter dieing so young and so unexpectedly. Life ain't supposed to go like that. Parents are supposed to die first, not their children.

It has been less than three months since this tragic event and Sarah's parents are still grief-stricken about it. I cannot and do not ever want to know what the Stebbinses are going through. I can only offer them prayers and hope that they mourning will go away soon, as if it ever will. God bless them. To prove much they care, the Commie State of Maryland sent the Stebbinses a letter concerning the crash that took their daughter's life. At first glance, you'd think, "Well, how nice. A letter of sympathy from the State." But hold on thar, Babba Louie! This wasn't exactly a letter of condolences. It was more like a bill for the damages to the guardrail that Sarah hit when she died! Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.? To add insult to injury, the State of Maryland threw in a complimentary copy of the accident report for free! Mad yet? Sit down or prepare to go ape shit crazy, there's one last little tidbit that pus the cherry on top of the shit flavored ice cream that is the Commie State of Maryland. The state gubmint also sent with the bill and the accident report...get...ready...wait...for...it...a letter of deliquency! Here's a quote from the Commie State of Maryland's letter to the Stebbinses, "Invoices are considered delinquent if not paid within 30 days of the invoice date. Delinquent invoices may be reported to credit reporting bureaus. Invoices referred to the Maryland Central Collection Unit will be charged an additional collection fee of 17 percent on unpaid balances as per Maryland law." I am so furious I could spit sparks right now. I am gonna take a quick break from typing this bullshit, then I'll be back to belittle, berate and otherwise blast the Commie State of Maryland. Gimme a minute.

OK, I am back.

Where to begin? First, I have never been to Maryland. I understand it's a great place with a a lot of good people. Unfortunately, none of those good people, it seems, work for the Commie State Gubmint. Second, fuck you, Commie State of Maryland Gubmint, especially the Godless bastard who is responsible for sending out this letter to the Stebbinses! I'd rather crawl over a mile of razor blades then swim through a lake of rubbing alcohol infested with hungry crocodiles than to ever spend one fucking penny in that hell hole of a place called Maryland. And for good measure, fuck you dumbasses again! have you cock suckers no decency? A 21 year old woman is DEAD and her parents are grieving over her tragic death and you butt fucking pussies want to bill them for a fucking guardrail??!! And threaten to ruin their credit? And charge them interest? You Communist assholes have not only crossed the line of decorum and common sense, you have obliterated it. For the love of God, oh wait....you people are Godless Commies, so let me try a new approach...fuck you and the crab you rode in on!

I was going to go into the politics of Maryland, but they have already proven to the world that they are a bunch of low life shit stains with their actions directed to the Stebbinses. Rest assured, Commie State of Maryland, that I will do everything in my power to keep decent people from all over the world to never visit, drive through, take a vacation, attend an Orioles or Ravens game or otherwise breathe the foul air that smothers your taxed out the ass, crime riddled, punk ass, tiny hell hole again. Your Commie State has over taken California (the State, not the people, except Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer) as the place that God would give this country an enema. Assholes.

In conclusion, I'd like to ask you, Commie State of Maryland, have said "fuck you" lately? OK. Fuck you!

Dumbasses.

**This is NOT an image of the dead girl in this story***

Monday, August 22, 2011

Man Shows Tackle Box While Fishing; Has Only 4 Inch Worm

Small Bait for Small Fish
Dumbasses are, unfortunately, to be found everywhere on the Big Blue Marble, including, sadly, my favorite activity, fishing. If you are a fisherman like me, you are all too familiar with these dickweeds - the ones who zoom by in there $25,000 bass boats creating a wake and a jet engine level noise that really pisses off serious fisherman like me (Fish. Fear. Me.) These goobers have no sense of common courtesy or fishing etiquette. I loathe these morons. There are, however, other kinds of dumbasses that can ruin a good fishin' trip without making a sound. Let me splain.

In Spokane, Washington, land of Fruits, Nuts, Transplanted Californians (but I repeat myself) and pot heads, one guy recently created quite a stir not by driving his fancy bass boat but by fishing in the nude. Other fishermen and outdoors enthusiasts were not amused. Dean the Nekkid Guy was showing his "nightcrawler" for all to see when he was reported to the police. Why Dean the Nekkid Guy was doing this isn't clear, but witnesses confirmed that Dean wasn't exactly "fishing for lunkers", if you know what I mean and I think you do. The only thing this dumbass caught was a felony charge of indecent exposure. Dean racked up a felony accusation because this wasn't his first time at showing his "tackle box" in public. No shit?! Dean had already accrued previous charges of stalking and indecent exposure, so Felonyville it was for this dipshit. Bill Dance this guy ain't.

My advice to any other dope smoking freak is to keep your "crankbait" in your "tackle box" while in public. You never know when the cops will handcuff you and your "rod' and throw your sorry ass into the Crossbar Marina. Even though lack of sufficient evidence may come into play.

Dumbass.

Friday, August 19, 2011

British Fisherman Catches 6 Foot, 200 Pounder, Then Releases It!

Scrotum Fisherman
The story I am about to enlighten you with is something very close to what happened to me once while fishing, so I totally believe in its veracity. Besides, the British newspaper The Telegraph wouldn't lie to us, would they? Of course not! (coughbullshitcough)

It seems that this British Guy was fishing for mackerel in the surf of the Atlantic Ocean near Exmouth, England, when he got what he thought was the bite of a lifetime. Heart pounding at the mere thought of a giant catch, British Guy set the hook and fought the beast for must have seemed like an eternity. The catch then surfaced and British Guy's pounding heart sank into his shorts, exposing something he would not expected in a million years. He had caught a ...wait...for ...it...scuba diver! I swear I am not making this up. Adding insult to injury, the diver was hooked in the balls! This gets even better. The diver's girlfriend surfaced about this time and removed the fish hook from the guy's nut sack, swam to shore and, according to the fishing British Guy, "nonchalantly handed the hook back to me and apologised." bwahahahahahaha! That's great stuff right there. Those whacky Brits are a laugh a minute, aren't they? Stiff upper lip and all that. If a fisherman hooked me in the manhood, I come up with a spear gun and send him to his Reward. I'm just sayin'.

The dumbass in this story is the Scuba Diver. Why? He was supposed to have a little floating marker that showed divers were in the area. He didn't. Dumbass. British Guy also had this to say, "My brother-in-law's a diver and he said it served the bloke right - at the end of the day he could have ruined his kit (British for "nut sack") or even worse." Off the top of my head, I can't think of many things worse than a 1/0 fish hook embedded in my scrotum, but I am sure that such things exist. Where? I don't know, but they must exist and I do not want to know about them. Enough said.

The moral of this story is that when scuba diving the diver must let fishermen, boats, whatever, know that he is diving in the area. The diver should also, unlike the diver in the story, wear a protective cup over his junk just in case. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of nut sack.

Dumbass.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Island of the Dumbass Vampires

Sucker
Galveston Island. Jewel of the Texas Gulf Coast. The Sinking Sandbar. What a great place.Beautiful beaches, family fun and a very colorful history. Oh yeah, and vampires. Dumbass vampires. Let me splain.

Lyle Bensely, the self-described vampire, broke into a woman's apartment, hissed and groaned at her while she was in her bedroom, all the while biting and hitting her on the head. He then yanked the poor woman out of her room where she was able to free herself and make good her escape. The cops were called and Lyle was hauled off to the Galveston County Crossbar Hilton.

At this point, Lyle just looks like a dumbass criminal. However, my opinion of Lyle quickly went from dumbass crook to batshit crazy lunatic (pun intended). While in custody the suspect told the cops that he was simply trying to "feed" when he attacked the victim. Then, Lyle said something that, in my mind, put him over the dumbass edge into the fucking whacked out idiot category. He told the po-lees that he was 500 a year old vampire. (insert cookoo sound here) Lyle also told the fuzz to restrain him because he didn't want to kill them.

Lyle, Lyle, Lyle Lyle, Lyle. Put down the crack pipe and back away slowly, son. Galveston is home to some free spirited people, i.e., dumbasses, but ole Lyle here is in need of some serious mental health help. And a good dentist. And garlic. And a wooden stake through the heart. As you well know, I am against putting a wooden stake through someone's heart unless it is absolutely necessary to the plot. In Lyle's case, plot meet necessary. Think about it. Do we really need Lyle to make babies someday? Hell. No! Some of you may think that I am being a bit harsh on Lyle, but let me ask you this. Would you like your daughter to bring him home to eat meet the family? Enough said.


I am sure that Lyle will be a big hit in prison with his propensity for sucking on things. Hell, he'll probably be voted most likely to suck seed, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Have fun Lyle! You deserve it.

Dumbass.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

One Man's Trash is Another Man's Felony

"Oh, look, copper pipes!"
Other than Texas and a handful of other states, this country is in a recession. I know that you know that, I just bring it up to show you what lengths dumbasses will go to in order to make a few bucks. Maybe you've read recently about an abnormal number of copper thefts around the USA. Some dumbasses steal copper piping and sell it on the Black Market and make a quite a sum of money. That's at least "understandable"...and it's obviously doable and profitable. However, even the criminal element in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave has lowered the bar of criminal standards...at least in Peabody, Massivetwoshits.

Dumbass thieves in Peabody have been stealing...wait...for...it...dumpsters! Unlike copper pipes, dumpster jacking is not something a couple of drunk Mass-holes can do on a whim. It's not like they can simply pick up a Dempsey Dumpster and toss it into the back of a Ford pick up truck and drive off. Dumpster thievin' takes some serious lifting power....perhaps a forklift or a truck from Waste Management. Regardless of how it's done, these crooks have balls the size of cantaloupes. Or brains the size of peanuts. Take your pick.

This is straight from the UPI story, " Peabody police, Massachusetts State Police, the office of the Massachusetts attorney general and the Essex district attorney's office said they are investigating after the 22 to 25 Dumpsters, stolen from more than 10 businesses, were found Aug. 3 at a storage park on Pulaski Street in Peabody, The Boston Globe reported Thursday." If you're asking yourself why anyone would even attempt to steal a dumpster, the answer is very simple. The dumpsters are worth about five grand apiece, that's why. Evidently the bad guys were stealing the the trash bins to start up their own business! Renting out dumpsters! I am not making this up! At least they are entrepreneurial dumbases. The cops have contacted several people, none of whom have been charged in connection with the thefts, and the suspects have retained lawyers. No shit?

Here's some advice for you wannabe thieves out there. Do not steal dumpsters! Hiding them is like trying to hide an elephant in your bathtub. I have also learned that dumpsters have serial numbers etched on them, so they are easily identified as to whom they belong. Stick with the copper pipes. No serial numbers, no forklift needed and easily hidden or sold. I'm just sayin'.

Remember, one man's trash is another man's felony.

Dmbasses.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Picnic in the WalMart Toilet!

Picnic Area
As summertime comes to its inevitable close, time for outdoor activities such as fishing, camping and nude sunbathing is also quickly fading away for another year. However(!), there is one thing that does not depend on the weather in order to be enjoyed - picnics. But, Toby, you say, how can you logically expect to enjoy a picnic when the cool weather of fall turns into the annual deep freeze of winter? Thanks to a dumbass in Florida, I have the perfect answer to that question. The WalMart bathroom!  Yes, fellow dumbasses, your neighborhood WalMart toilet provides you and your family the perfect setting to spend quality time together even during the harshest weather.

Alas, I must give credit where credit is due for this outstanding dumbass idea. The Picnic in the Pooper idea comes from a Florida dumbass named Taylor Dresia of Vero Beach. You see, Taylor was eating lunch in the bathroom of the local Wally World when a walMart employee discivered him, and obviously jealous that he wasn't the one who originated this mental masterpiece, demanded that Taylor vacate the head and vamoos ASAP. The dumbass employee, in a jealous rage, said that Taylor was blocking the stall so other patrons could not use the facilities. Likely story! Ha! The reality of the situation is that the WalMart worker is too fucking stoopid to understand that Taylor has come up with a million dollar idea. Can you say snack bar in the bathroom lobby? No wonder the typical WalMart dumbass makes minimum wage. Dipshits.

I am, of course, just kidding here. What kind of dumbass wants to eat lunch in a bathroom??!! You might as well take a dump in the dining area of Taco Bell and scarf down a few bean burritos right next to the steaming pile of dookie. Taylor Dresia, you are a mental midget and a sick bastard who needs to be institutionalized - in Picnic Free Zone... and a padded cell.

Dumbass.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Dunkin Donuts In Connecticut Is the Target of a Dumbass Bomb Threat

Those whacky knuckleheads at Dunkin Donuts have made the news again. It's nothing that Dunkin has done to bring all this attention to themselves, rather another Dunkin customer who who's had one too many Coolattas. On the heels of a recent story about I wrote about a Dunkin employee selling her "eclair"  through the drive thru window, comes the news of another dumbass who has had one too many glazed donuts from the venerable donut chain. Let me splain.

Down in Connecticut (it's down in Connecticut from where I sit anyway), a lady pulled into the drive thru, ordered a drink and handed the Dunkin employee a package and a note. The note said that the package was a bomb(!) and sped away. After taking a large poop in her pants, the clerk called the cops, who eventually discovered that there was no bomb in the package. The obvious question is "why would someone want to bomb a Dunkin Donuts store?". I mean, the coffee from Dunkin tastes like strained pig shit, but is that a good excuse to threaten the poor people at the store with a bomb? Of course not. Maybe the would-be bomber is a disgruntled former employee and she was upset that Dunkin dismissed her for eating up the profits. Or maybe she's a pissed off customer who has a caffeine problem. Or maybe she's just a lunatic. I vote for lunatic. And dumbass. All lunatics are dumbasses.

I publish this column not as a dig at Dunkin Donuts, but as a public service to you, my dumbass readers. I urge you be vigilant when you patronize your neighborhood Dunkin Donuts. Be on the lookout for suspicious customers who look like he/she could be the next dumbass to be featured on this very blog. You know the type. They are the ones who offer you their "eclair" or hand you a package with a bomb threat note attached to it.

America runs on Dunkin indeed.

Dumbasses.


Friday, August 12, 2011

A Bi-Lingual Dumbass Story - Can You Say "Pendejo"?

Viva Pendejos!
Today's post is more of a civic duty and/or Public Service Announcement than a dumbass "news" feature. I couldn't live with myself if I failed to bring it to your attention. That's just how I roll.

Cicero, Illinois is where our story takes place. Cicero is a town of about 6000 just outside Chicago. Like every city or town in the USA, Cicero has its problems with crime. Take Wilfredo Gonzales, for instance. Please!

Wilfredo is a local repairman who was doing some remodeling for a Cicero couple. All was going well until Wilfredo asked to use the bathroom. He went to the can and then the lady homeowner went into the bathroom and noticed her diamond ring was missing. A valuable diamond ring in the bathroom? With a stranger in the house even? That's dumbass in and of itself, but it's also another story for another day. Anyway, The lady notices that the ring is missing and goes to tell her husband about it. The husband confronts Wilfredo who says "No speaky da English." Actually, Wilfredo denied stealing the ring. and eventually got into a scuffle with the husband. As the husband and Willie were wrestling around, Willie pulls the ring out of his pocket and swallows it! Willie is a pendejo (Spanish for "dumbass"). Thinking by swallowing the ring that he can get away with felony theft, Wilfredo forgot one very important function of the human body - this too shall pass. He also forgot one more very important word from medical community - X- ray. X-rays indeed showed that Wilfredo had eaten the ring.

This line appeared in the UPI article: "Cicero police recovered the ring -- but didn't say how they did it, the Tribune reported." The Tribune is loaded with dumbasses so this makes perfect sense. The law or the hospital fed ole Willie Boy some fiber and that diamond ring probably felt like a a ball of dull razor blades going through his poop chute. bwahahahaha Willie, next time try the "No speaky da English" bit. It's more beliveable.

Pendejo.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Georgia Town Bans Saggy Pants! Hip, Hip Hooray!

BANNED!
I have found a town where I would like to raise my family should the need arise. Jonesboro, Georgia. Why? Because of its Southern charm? no. The laid back life in Jonesboro? Nope. Its proximity to Atlanta? Never been to Hotlanta and don't want to go. I love Jonesboro, Georgia because they have done something few cities across this country have the balls to do. They have banned saggy pants!

This has been a pet peeve of mine for a long time. Our young people today have been exposed to a bunch of punks and dumbasses (I am looking squarely at you, rappers) and their parents have fallen asleep at the wheel when it comes to common sense regarding their kids' choice of wardrobe these days. Dumbasses. Nobody wants to see your ass or drawers in public, ya little goofballs. I mean this ain't young men imitating Elvis or the Beatles by growing sideburns or longer hair. We're talking a public display of rear ends and underwear here. Pull your damn pants up! If you want to show your butts and Fruit of the Looms in public, go to San Francisco. After a couple of days there, you'll buy a chain and a padlock to keep your pants up. Don't believe me? Take a look at what happens at the Folsom Street Fair in San Fransissy. Warning! Not safe for work or Children! Those guys would love to see your ass on public display. I don't.

I'd like to personally thank the City leaders of Jonesboro for doing what so many Local leaders of cities all over the US are too scared or unwilling to do. Pussies. It's comforting to know that somebody somewhere still cares about decency and good manners and teaching our children that "if it feels good, do it" is a fucked up way to go through life. "But, Toby", you say, "all the other kids do it!". I don't give a shit if the Pope does it, it still ain't right! It doesn't make you look like a tough guy or real cool, it makes you look like a fucking idiot. And for you parents...get a grip on your kids! Bust some ass if you have to, ground them or take away their car keys, whatever it takes to get them to look respectable in public. You are the final arbiter in situations like this. Use some parental authority and use it til the kids puke. They are your responsibility until they turn 18. At 18 if they wanna dress like Kanye West, fine. Until then, tell them to quit dressing like a bunch of dipshit rappers that promote sex like it was chocolate and who denegrate women like they were the King's concubines. Fuck the rappers. Man (or woman) up!

Dumbasses.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Man Shoots Self in His Weenie!

We may have found our Dumbass of the Year for 2011 in this story. We have discovered many oustanding dumbass over the first eight months of this year, but this guy is clearly head and shoulders above the rest. Let me splain.

Instant Vasectomy Instrument
Arizona is one of a select few, if not the only, state that has open carry of firearms for all its eligible citizens. Joshua Seto is one of those citizens. Not long ago Josh and his fiancee decided to go out for a nice supper but things did not go well. You see his fiancee, Cara, also carries a pistol. A pink pistol. Before entering the eating establishment, Josh thought it would be a good idea if he put her gun in the waistband of his pants. Things did not go as planned. As Josh was sliding the pistol into his waistband the the gun discharged hitting ole Josh right smack dab "there". And by "there" I mean tallywhacker. Ouch! That hurts just thinking about it. Oh, yeah, Joshua was also shot in his left thigh. Forget the thigh. This young man just shot himself in his manhood! I hope he and Cara were not planning to have children. Maybe that's a good thing as Josh is a major dumbass. A major dumbass without a ding a ling. You. Can't. Make. This. Stuff. Up.

 A police spokesman said it was not clear if Josh had suffered any permanent damage because of the incident, but the Police Department did issue a statement urging gun owner to (I am not kidding here) to take gun safety classes! A suggested motto for the gun safety classes: "Don't Be a Dickless Dumbass! Take the State Gun Safety Class!" There's a rhyme there and everything. It's a little late for good ole tallywahckerless Josh, but thousands of other Arizonans would be wise to heed this message. I hate to see any more men suffer the trauma that Josh has been through. A penisless life is no way to live. And Josh is only 27 years old, so it's quite possible that he'll live the next 50 years or so without the music of coitus coming from his skin flute. That's really sad, especially if his fiancee is a nympho. Poor Joshua. But let's look at the bright side of this tragedy. At least Josh still has gazebos...I think.

We can learn a few valuable lessons from this accident. 1) Do not carry a gun with a bullet in the chamber 2) Do not try to slip a loaded weapon into your waistband  3) I would hate it if I shot off my own One Eyed Willie. and 4) It's a good thing that Josh wasn't stuffing a .12 Gauge shotgun down his pants.
I wish Josh and Cara the beast and hope he recovers fully from his injuries, with or without a weenie.

Dumbass.

(Hat tip UPI)

Monday, August 8, 2011

Bank Robber Puts Photo on Facebook; What Could Go Wrong?

Not for Bank Robbers
Social networks are now major players in the fight for eyeballs (readers) on the Internet, Facebook being the Top Dawg. Hundreds of millions of people worldwide use Facebook daily to communicate with family, friends and businesses. Out of the hundreds of millions of Facebook accounts simple mathematics suggest that there are bound to be a few dumbasses with an FB page. Case in point...if you are at work right now, look around at your co-workers. Pick out the Office Dumbass. He/she has a Facebook account, guaranteed. He/she is probably a member of the Saving Belly Button Lint as a Second Income and/or Bowling to Save the Endangered Snail Darter and Block a $200,000,000 Construction Project groups. But even the beloved Office Dumbass has nothing on 21 year old Jasmyne Dunlap of Fort Worth, Texas. Let me splain.

It seems that Jasmyne has been making withdrawals from Fort Worth area banks on a regular basis. deal is, she doesn't have an account at ANY of them. The constabulary of Tarrant County  along with the FBI are not pleased with Jasmyne's behavior. She has already robbed at least three banks in FW and its suburbs and, you got it(!), a Facebook account! Lawmen searched Facebook and found Jasmyne's profile and the lovely self-photo of her posted on it...wearing some of the clothes she wore to rob one of the banks! Fucking brilliant! the Police also found some clothes that Jasmyne ditch after one robbery and the DNA on the outfit matched hers. Jasmyne has been charged with one count of bank robbery with more charges soon to follow, I'm sure. Long story short, Jasmyne had better catch up on all the "Women in Prison" movies she can find. I am fairly certain it will make her stay in Texas Department of Corrections (Lesbo Unit) much more, shall we say "enjoyable". Besides, Jas should have used My Space, nobody ever reads it anymore.  :)

It's easy to call Jasmyne Dunlap a fucking moron, but for now we'll just call her a...

...Dumbass.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Robbed While Buying Pot, Dumbass Calls Police!

Dumbass Lettuce
I have written before on these very pages about dumbasses and drugs. I wrote about a couple of dumbasses who lost $425,000 worth of pot. Not to mention the idiot who was busted for pot possession and told the cops "This is how I make my money". There is more of the same Dumbass Modus Operandi in the archives, but after reading these two stories, you'll get the picture that dumbasses and drugs don't make a very good combination.

There is this Honest to Goodness bona fide dumbass in Charleston, West Virignia who recently went to a seedy neighborhood looking to buy some pot. That alone is worth a Dumbass News mention. But this gets better! The weed-buying dumbass was on top of his game on the night in question. He  was robbed ( no shit!?) while making his purchase and all of the sudden he became a concerned citizen, so he called the Police! Now, I don't know about you, but if I were making an illicit drug buy and something went wrong, the Police are the last people on my "To Call" list. I'm thinking that the victim would chalk it up as a dumbass, but learning, experience and go on about his life poorer but wiser. But nooooooooooooooo, this dipshit calls the cops.

But wait, there's more! After the cops arrive to help this guy out, he tells them he has decided to not press charges against the robber! Are. You. Kidding. Me? The people of Charleston, WV must come up with a plan to get a more suitable type of dumbass into their city. This dickweed, whose name is Jeremy Stalnaker needs to be sent to Dumbass Hell or California (whichever is cheaper) for being not only a someone who will some day father little dumbasses who will be members the C-town community, but, in general, is a blight on honest dumbasses everywhere. I propose here and now that we start a Bus to Callifornia Fund for Jeremy Stalnaker. Hit the donate to PayPal button in the right sidebar and I'll make sure that Jeremy Stalnaker receives his One-way ticket to the West Coast, where he'll fit in nicely with the Granola Crowd out there.

In the meantime, keep those donations rolling in and I'll take good care of them for you. I will personally drive to Charleston and hand deliver Jeremy Stalnaker's bus ticket to him. The fine citizens of Charleston, West Virginia must rise up and meet this Dumbass Challenge! Until such time as I can hand-deliver Jeremy Stalnaker's one-way bus ticket to LaLa Land, Jeremy deserves nothing short of ridicule and scorn, along with a trustworthy pot supplier, until the Greyhound leaves the station westward bound. Help the brother out.

Dumbass.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Obama Condoms and Dickishness in NYC

Obama Condoms
Back in the 70's there was a joke going around about Richard Nixon where the punchline was something like this: 'No, but we've got a dick in the White House screwing the whole country". Jokes, good and bad, tend to come around in new iterations many years later. Recently someone (I forget who, sorry) called the current Dumbass-in-Chief a "dick". There are prolly a few decent "dick" jokes that can be made from that bit of wisdom, but they wouldn't be nearly as funny since our current President is not named "Dick". He's just a "dick".  Just ask Jose the Condom Guy in New York City.

Jose has been selling "novelties" in the Big Apple for a while now and he has also had some run-ins with the NYPD. Long story short. Jose went to Court and won the right to sell his "novelties" as an unlicensed vendor in the the City. The City appealed the decision and the police continue to arrest Jose when he's doing business on NYC streets. Wonder if it's because NYC is a Liberal haven and Jose is selling condoms with Preznit Obama's image on them? But who am I to speculate on such things? I am a dumbass, that's who!Now, I have a question. Would the City of New York go after Jose if he sold condoms with, oh I don't know, George W. Bush's image on them? I think I know the answer.

More and more Americans each day are coming to the realization that our Fearless Leader is a dick and if the shoe condom fits...I really didn't intend for this post to go in this direction, it just kind of happened. Do I apologize? Not only "no", but "hell no"! Obama is a 98 pound weakling on a beach full of body builders, so why apologize? And why stop Jose from expressing his opinion with his Obama condoms? The Courts have already ruled in his favor, and until that decision is overturned, he's within his rights to do so. Freedom of speech, anyone?

So screw (with an Obama condom, of course) the higher ups in the NYPD and/or City of New York who continue to harass this man. Bunch of dicks...I mean...

...Dumbasses.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Dunkin' More Than Donuts

America "Runs" on Dunkin
Howdy, y'all! It's 11 degrees in Augusta, Maine on this fine Sunday morning. It looks like Old Man Winter has finally arrived in New England. I am not happy about this. Let me splain to our newer readers. I am from Texas. It is warm in Texas for 50 weeks of the year. I like it warm. Where I live is next to Canada. Canada is cold 50 weeks a year. Plus Canadians talk funny and call one of their coins a "loony". I ain't kiddin'. Therefore, the choice is simple. I choose Cancun. Here's your "Best of Dumbass News" for this week. Remember this story as you stop off at Dunkin Donuts on the way too Church this morning. But as the Good Book says, Jesus came to svae the sinner, not the righteous. Therer's some good sinnin' going on in this story. Amen. 

There's a Dunkin Donuts on Route 46 in Parsippany, New Jersey that has added an item to their menu. Dunkin calls the new item is called "The Extra Sugar". Local cops call it prostitution. I would have called it the "donut hole", but I am a sick, twisted freak.  Let me splain.

Melissa Redmond works the overnight shift at one of the local Dunkin Donuts in Parsippany and it seems that she was serving more than donuts and coffee to some of her customers. After receiving a tip from an informant, cops set up surveillance and observed Melissa leaving her post in the store to go to the cars of select customers, stay for 10 or 15 minutes and then return to work. It didn't take long for the cops to catch on so Melissa the Donut Ho was arrested for selling "Extra Sugar". Dumbass.

One of the first things that popped into my mind when I read this story was why in the name of all that is Holy would someone some sell their "coolatta" from a donut shop? Think about it. Donuts. Cops. Those two go together like Justin Bieber music and syrup of ipecac. But, I digress.

The moral to the story is twofold. First, being a hooker is bad. Second, being a hooker where a cops shows up every five minutes is just plain stoopid. If a woman wants to sell her "creme filled" pastry, sell it where the cops DO NOT show up! Like at a Likker Store. :)

Dumbass.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

SSA Says Lady is Alive; Lady Says Nothing; She's DEAD

Under Gubmint Control
Yesterday we read about a bank that declared a lady dead, but she really wasn't , despite her best efforts to prove otherwise by doing things like showing up at the bank and, you know, breathing and stuff. Today's story is along the same lines except vice versa. A lady died but the US Gubmint kept sending her Social Security checks for years! That would have been a good gig for a non-dead person. But for dead people? Not so much.

The dead lady in question is the late, and I mean real late, Gladys Stansbury of Jennings, Missouri. Gladys' body was found mummified when neighbors called the police to report the daughter had not been seen for several days. Ms. Stansbury had been living in her home with her daughter, who was also found dead inside the house(!), when she died. Although I am not a scientist and I don't play one on TV, I can only deduce from this story that death is contagious. Therefore, if you have any dead people in your house, I would highly recommend that you give them a proper Christian/Jewish/Athiest/Whatever burial or throw the body into the nearest fast-flowing river and forget you ever knew the dead guy. I'm just sayin'.

Anyway, the Gubmint kept sending Gladys her monthly Social Security checks for years after she died. Is this a great country or what? I would make a snarky comment here about Gubmint inefficiency and bureaucracy, but I'll leave that to a saying I saw on a T-shirt at the Eastport, Maine 4th of July Festival. The shirt was worn by an Indian from a near-by reservation at Pleasant Point. The slogan said, "Trust the Government? Ask an Indian."

I also have a slogan for the bureaucratic dipshits at the SSA, with whom I have been fighting for over a year just to get my own money from the blood sucking bastards. My motto is as follows: Kiss. My. Ass. Numbnuts. Or die trying.Your check is in the mail.

Dumbasses.

(hat tip: stlouistoday.com)

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Bank Says Woman is Dead - She Says, "I'm Not Either!", Files Suit

Dead to me.
Her bank says she's dead, so she must be, right? Wrenella Pierre says the rumors of her demise are greatly exaggerated. She's even filed a lawsuit saying so. Let me splain.

According to JP Morgan Chase Bank in Oviedo, Florida met an untimely death. They sent her family a note of condolence, notified credit reporting agencies, etc. Mrs. Pierre has tried on several occasions to get the bank to fix the problem, but so far nothing has worked. Dumbasses. Since JP Morgan Chase Bank won't recognize her as not dead, Wrenella says her credit rating has gone to hell. Quick question. How can a dead person (or presumably dead person) have their credit ruined, and further, why and how can it matter to them if they are DEAD? But, I digress. At any rate, Wrenella Pierre keeps telling JP Morgan Chase Bank, "Hey! Look at me! I am NOT dead!" The bank, however, insists that she is dead. Just ask her. Mrs. Pierre has now hired an attorney to help her fix this situation, but so far, no luck. She's still dead.

You'd think that solving a problem like this would be fairly easy to do. The bank says you're dead, you say, "No, I'm not", go to the bank, show them your ID and you are indeed still alive and a few comouter keystrokes and BINGO! All is well and everyone lives happily ever after. Alas, this is not the case with Wrenella Pierre. I have an idea that could clear up this whole mess in about five minutes. Wrenella should go buy a couple of $100,000 Mercedes, miss a payment or two and the dipshits at JP Morgan Chase Bank will know you're still alive right quick. I promise.

Dumbasses.
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