Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: September 2011 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Friday, September 30, 2011

Wheel of Misfortune!

The Crud still has a firm grip on my gazebos, so I am still sick as a dawg. Unable to sally forth, I am re-posting a story from last November that was warmly received by dumbasses around the world. And by "warmly received" I mean rejected like it was contaminated with leprosy. Anyway, here ya go... 

 On game shows, things don't always go as planned. You put people in an atmosphere where they could win a shitload of money and/or prizes, and things could, unintentionally, turn ugly real quick. I remember watching Wheel of Fortune (I think) long ago and the puzzle looked like this "N*GGER". That is a recipe for disaster. At first glance, it looks very much like a racial epithet waiting to happen. But the correct answer was "NAGGER". Still, what a dumbass thing to even let the appearance of something so vile be a part of the game.

Such an incident, while very rare, is not limited to American TV. There are plenty of dumbasses in other countries too. In England, the standards for TV are quite different than those of the USA. They are a little more "liberal" across the pond. For instance, I have seen episodes of some Chef Ramsey show of one kind or another where the word "shit" is not bleeped out. On other shows on whatever over the air dumbass UK channel you'll see women with their "assets" exposed for all to see.

Which brings us to our story for the day. In jolly old England, on Channel 4, they air a show called "Countdown", which I gather is a lot like Wheel of Fortune. But the British are very lucky because this show, Countdown, has neither hide nor hair of Keith Olberdouche associated with it.(Countdown. MSNBC. Olberdink. get it? Nevermind) Just sayin'. However, Countdown is not immune from its own dumbass moments. Not long ago, the show had a puzzle with the following letters in it: "DTCEIASHF". Take a  minute to look it over and try to figure out what could possibly go wrong. I am gonna go check the mail, and I expect an answer from you when I get back. Your time starts now. OK, I'm back. If you guessed "SHITFACED", you have solved the word puzzle the same way the contestant on the show did. While this a perfectly legitament answer, the dumbass producers of this show made a decision to re-tape the show (!) because of this answer, relegating this segment to the cutting room floor and keeping their "squeaky clean" reputations spotless. Dumbasses.

What the fuck? You dumbasses were the ones to allow this word puzzle on to your show, and then some poor dumbass gives a perfectly good answer and you shitcan it? It's not like you dumbasses have any "standards" or anything. You dickweeds canceled Benny Hill for God's sake. Well, maybe not Channel 4, but the same assholes that run British TV canceled Benny Hill. Dumbasses. And these idiots all the of sudden have scruples. Pardon me while I heave.

Solve this puzzle you British TV censor bitches. CUFK OYU MUDBESSSA.

I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Christmas in September!

I am still fighting The Crud. I feel like someone ran me over with a Caterpillar Road Grater, so I am going to regale you with a post I wrote a few days after Christmas last year. Hell, I figure that if WalMart can have Christmas stuff in display in September, I can put up a story about Christmas in September. It's a funny family story that I'm sure you can all relate to. Enjoy it! Dumbasses. :) 

 I have read some nice stories about people all over the country having such a wonderful Christmas with their families. Include my family on that list. The Terrero family in West Hartford, Connecticut had a very memorable Christmas, especially 19 year old Francheska. It was a typical Christmas Eve at the Terrero house until Francheska got into the Christmas "spirits".

The story doesn't say what prompted Francheska's outburst, other than the fact that she was bombed, but she must have been in holiday frame of mind because she picked up the family Christmas tree and threw it at her parents! Assuming that 'Terrero" is an Eye-talian name, I thought throwing Christmas trees at one's parents might be some sort of weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition. So, being a Professional Internet Blogging Sensation and 10th Degree Black Belt in Google Fu, I went to the best source of Weird Eye-talian Christmas Traditions that I could find. My wife, who is Eye-talian. When I asked her about Christmas Tree Throwing as an Eye-talian tradition, she says to me, "Are you drunk?". I took that as a "no".

Anyway, Francheska got smashed on Christmas Eve and threw a fully decorated Christmas tree, which is not a weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition, at her Mom and Dad. Mom called 911 and reported a 10-86, which in Police 10-code terminology means "drunk daughter throws a fully decorated Christmas tree, which is not a weird Eye-talian Christmas tradition, at her parents. As Mom was on the phone with the cops, Frankie yanked the phone out her hand and threw that too at her father! I know for a fact that phone throwing on Christmas Eve is not a weird Eye-talian tradition, but it is a weird Christmas tradition for drunk Hungarians. But I digress.

So the heat (cops) show up at the Terrero home and notice that Francheska is FUBAR'ed and that the Christmas tree had been "relocated" and it was surrounded by some shattered ornaments. The police then explain to Francheska that even though Christmas tree throwing is not a weird Eye-talian tradition, it is against the law, especially if you throw the tree at another person. Frankie was charged with disorderly conduct, assault and interfering with a 911 call, not to mention throwing fully decorated Christmas trees at your parents while shit faced without a permit. OK, I made that last charge up.

Francheska was hauled off to jail, Mom and Dad were treated for minor injuries and the Christmas tree suffers from PTSD, so all things considered, everything turned out for the best and we can all be thankful that it wasn't Thanksgiving and Francheska got hammered and threw a bowl of giblets at her parents. Or is that a weird Eye-talian Thanksgiving Tradition that I am unaware of ? I'll have to ask my Eye-talian wife about that one. Hopefully, she won't notice that I'm drunk.  :)

(hat tip to Heather)

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Liberal Weenie Doctors Slam Cheese! In Wisconsin!

Viva Los Cheeseheads!
There are certain truths in life that you just don't mess around with. When in Texas, it's a real bad idea to make fun of chili. In North Carolina, it's not too smart to complain about pulled pork sandwiches. You piss into the wind and another undeniable fact of life is that you do not bad mouth cheese in America's Dairyland, Wisconsin. Let me splain.

There's a group of doctors located near Green Bay (Go Pack!) who have gone and pissed in the Cheerios, or more accurately, cheese, of the fine, cheese-loving population of the state. This is not wise. I'd say it's more, oh, what's the word, dumbass. The Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine has put up a billboard near Title Town that blasphemes one of America's favorite foods, cheese, and that has some folks pretty damn mad. Besides the usual "if you eat cheese you'll die" bullshit, the billboard also features the Grim Reaper wearing a Cheesehead Hat. That's one of those giant wedges of cheese that you see tens of thousands of fans wear at Lambeau Field during a Green Bay Packers game. (Go Pack!). It would be a better idea to call the Pope an atheist than to demean a Cheesehead hat in Green Bay. At least the Pope would forgive. Packers fans will not.

But, Toby, this group is made up of doctors, shouldn't they know this stuff? Yes they are doctors and no they don't necessarily know this stuff. This particular group of physicians is a bunch of Liberal do gooders that want to tell you how to live your life. Toby don't play dat. And if they want to live at all, they should drop the billboard idea like the Packers front four drops an opposing quarterback - real quick. These dipshit docs are messing with lots of people who work in and around the cheese industry and by extension, messing with these same folks' livelihood. Slick move ex Lax.

If this bunch of weenie yankers want to do the country a service, move to California and preach the gospel of why granola and the sissies that eat it are bad for the human race. They won't fight back, but they just might scratch your eyes out, you meanies.

Dumbasses.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Man Struck by Lightning on His Lightning Rod!

This Could Hurt a Man's Gazebos
Well, this is certainly something you don't hear everyday.

Many of us have been in a situation where the "call of nature" has reared its ugly head and resolving the issue  is simply too much of a chore. Anyway, John had to piss and he had to piss in a hurry. He pulled over and was taking care of business when all of the sudden ZAP ZOWIE ZONK, a bolt of lightning appears from nowhere and struck John on his, shall we say, pecker. That's gonna leave a mark! Luckily, John somehow escaped with only minor injuries, his gazebos remaining intact. Regarding the incident John said, "Thankfully, the doctors said that there would be no lasting effects, and my penis will function normally eventually." John's wife must be quite grateful. And I'm sure John is not exactly disappointed. He's damn lucky his gazebos didn't fry like a cheap piece of chicken in a vat of hot grease. 
John should also hope that lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice. He (and his penis) may not be so lucky next time. Count your blessings (and gazebos), John. And please, no more pissing in public.

Dumbass.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Kenmore Washer Assists in a Crime!

Accessory to a Crime
Have you noticed that many of dumbasses reside in the Sunshine State? I don't know why that is, but it is. On second thought, I do know why that is. It's because of all the damn Yankees leaving the Northeast and moving down to Florida.We all know that there is no such thing as a Southern Dumbass. Drunk, yes. Dumbass, no. This has been proven by science. OK, I made that last part up, but we know it to be true anyway. Today's dumbass is obviously a Yankee because no self-respecting Southerner would do something this stoopid. Allow me to elucidate. For all you Yankees in the audience, that means "Let me splain". Side note: I don't hate Yankees. I am married to a Yankee woman. I just like raggin' on Yankees cuz it pisses 'em off. And when a Yankee gets pissed, he/she automatically starts talking like a member of the Sopranos. It's quite entertaining actually.

Recently, Robert James Luther III (he's gotta be a Yankee, otherwise he'd be called Bobby Jim or some shit) broke into a vacant house to wait. for. it....do laundry! The fact that he actually committed a crime to do his laundry also leads us to conclude that he's a Yankee. redneck men always have a woman do their laundry for them - mama, wife, etc. A nearby cop saw Robert force his way into the house and immediately said to himself, "Look! That Yankee guy is breaking into that house!". So he (the cop) busted Robert on the spot. Robert evidently knew the former tenants of the house, but he did not have permission to enter the premises, therefore he was collared at the scene of the crime.

Advice tom Robert: Son, your in Florida for God's sake! How hard can it be to find water in which to do your laundry? I bet you there's even a little old lady that would gladly do your clothes for you, if you offered to say, mow her yard for her. Also, why don't you just look up your friends that used to live in the house and do your laundry over there? Or, hell, just mug a homeless guy for a few dollars and find your local Laundro-Matic and wash your threads there. The possibilities are endless. But, nooooo, dipshit, you had to go and break the law just to have clean clothes! I guess what I am trying to say, Robert, is next time you need clean clothes so you can hang out and smoke crack underneath an overpass, do it legally!

Dumbass.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Change of Seasons, No Change in Dumbasses

Autumn Brings Out the Dumbasses
Another week of 2011 has come and gone and the seasons have changed. Summer has turned into fall. The leaves on the trees have turned from green to gold and seemingly ordinary people have changed from "normal" to dumbass. Such is life.

With that we take a look back at the past seven days at some of the dumbassery that infects the world around us.
You can rest assured that more dumbassery lay ahead, as there are a seemingly endless supply of dumbass that breathe our collective air. I shall expose them for exactly what they are...

Dumbasses.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Dirty Harry Sex Game!

Dirty Harry Sex Toy
Guess what? I am sick again. A replay, if you will. Speaking of replays, (<---- clever blogger segue) Here's a post from way back at the first of the year that I think you'll find "interesting". 

 The story you are about to read is both dumbass and tragic. It provides a valuable, although horrific, lesson that even being a dumbass has its limits before you cross over into negligence and criminality. Sadly, the dumbass in our story today learned a lesson he'd rather not have been taught, I hope. Here's what I mean by "I hope":

A 23 year old man and his wife, 50, were having sex when the woman was killed by a single gunshot wound to the head. WTF? you are asking. I've heard of people dieing of heart attacks during sex, but a fatal gunshot during the act? Not so much.

The 23 year old man told police that he and his wife often played a little game during sex in which he would put a handgun to her head while they did the deed. They were engaged in sex when he grabbed a gun off the nightstand not realizing that it was loaded and he put it to her head like he said he always did, when the gun accidently discharged, killing the woman. What a fucking dumbass. I won't go into gun safety here, because I would just be preaching to the choir. On top of that, the dumbass guy owned several other weapons and should have damn sure known better. Instead, a woman lays dead in cold storage in an Oklahoma morgue.

Not surprisingly, the cops believed this dumbass' story like I believe in the Tooth Fairy. He's being held on charges of first degree murder, soon to be in his own private little domicile on Death Row in an Oklahoma State Penitentiary, assuming of course that he found guilty by a jury of his peers, many of whom will be responsible gun owners who look down on such reckless behavior while in possession of a firearm.

Even if this dumbass gets life in prison, he'll almost certainly become a prison bitch to Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams. And Leon hates people who are such dumbasses with a weapon, but Leon loves to show his new bitches his "howitzer". Enjoy it, dumbass. I know Leon will.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

One Legged Old Man Attacked by Dumbass with Cucumber Salad!

Dumbass Assault Weapon
I am a firm believer in a theory that my Dad taught me when I was a very young dumbass. "Do it right the first time and you ain't gotta do it again". Dad was right. Too often today I see young folks doing a half ass job on some chore (my own children included) and then whadaya know (!), they end up re-doing it until it's done right. Dumbasses. Now when I say "do it right the first time..." I am talking about criminals too. For instance, don't take a knife to a gun fight. Or...if you're gonna commit a crime and the punishment is jail time, do a crime that's worthy of jail time! If you are gonna assault somebody, for example, do it right the first time. Let me splain.

Some dumbass broad from Florida was recently arrested for assaulting a one-legged old man in a HoverRound...with a cucumber salad! This is a piss poor way of committing an assault. Proper assault of a one-legged old man tools include baseball bats, tire irons, brass knuckles, etc. I personally prefer the Charles Bronson Method of Using a roll of quarters in a sock, but then again I am Old School when it comes to assault, especially on One Legged Old Men in a HoverRound. Notice that cucumber salad is nowhere to be found on that list. "Do it right the first time..." Do I have to teach you dumbasses everything?

Long story short, the stoopid bitch was charged with a couple of felonies and, if convicted, could face several years behind bars and a bright future as "fresh meat" in a state prison, where cucumber salads are in short supply, broom handles aren't, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Who knows? We may even see this dipshit on late night Cinemax in one of those "Women in Chains" movies. But let's all pray that we don't.

If only she'd done "it right the first time".

Dumbass.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Dumbass Headlines
Something we haven't done in a while is Dumbass Newspaper Headlines, so I figured today would be a good day to do them. My source is littlecalamity.tripod.com and they do not specify from which newspaper these headlines come, so I have no way of giving credit where credit is due. I shall, however, steal use them and make the funny.
  • 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves - God knows what they would have won if they had thunder thighs
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft - Note to astronaut: No red beans and cornbread just before next liftoff. I'm just sayin'.
  • Big Ugly Woman Wins Beauty Pageant (Newspaper in town of Big Ugly, WV) - Good thing the town ain't named Big Ass.
  • Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case- And I thought an 8 x 12 foot cell was small.
  • Include your Children When Baking Cookies- Children add texture to the cookies.
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant- That's one way to save on court costs.
  • Lack of brains hinders research - Must be the same dumbasses who believe in global warming.
  • Miners Refuse to Work After Death - That's a very effective retirement plan.
  • Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped - And from what I understand, she likes it too.
There ya go. Those are just a few of the headlines from bird cage liners from all around the country. You can now understand why print newspapers are going out of business faster than shit through a goose. That leaves us with only one thing to say.

Dumbasses.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Fat Guy Sues White Castle, Changes Mind and Eats It Instead

This is one of those stories that will invoke rage amongst some of my readers. That is not the intent of the story, but some of you will take it the wrong way. Tough shit, I say! Let me splain.

There's a fat guy in Nanuet, New York that does fat people everywhere a disservice by being a complete and utter dumbass. Said fat guy weighs 290 pounds and he's all pissed of at a local White Castle burger joint. You see where this is going? Anyway, Fat guy is suing the White Castle because, wait. fir. it., the seats in the place are too small and fail to meet standards set forth in the Americans With Disabilities Act. Fat Guy first complained about the too small seats a couple of years ago and the company responded by promising to install bigger seats and sending him some coupons for, get this, three free White Castle burgers! Lemme get this straight. A fat guy is suing you because the booths in your restaurant are too small and you send him coupons for free burgers? Earth to White Castle...

Where to begin? Let's start with the ADA. It's a steaming pile of gubmint intervention into business. But that's a discussion for another time. Fat Guy is suing White Castle because of the small seats in their establishment. I wonder if Fat Guy ever thought that maybe he's a tub of lard because he eats too often at White Castle??!! And McDonalds. And Fat Burgers. Eat some fucking yogurt dumbass! Fast food, when consumed by the 55 gallon drum, will make you look like a hot air balloon. And you have the balls to sue White Castle because the seats are too small? Maybe they should sue you for crushing their seats like a rotten tomato by slapping your fat ass down on them. Oh wait! I almost forgot, Fat Guy says that he wants bigger seats so he  can "sit down like a normal person". Then quit eating White Castle burgers like they are siphoned through a beer bong. Good Gawd, man! You don't need bigger seats, you need to lose two of your asses, dipshit. Try Subway for cryin' out loud. Until then, shut the fuck up. And have another cheeseburger.

Dumbass.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Stinking to High Heaven

I'm still not feeling so hot, so here's an oldie but goodie for you. 

Essence of Dumbass
It frosts me real good when one person who objects to something that a vast majority of people do and the the one who objects wants to curtail the activities of the masses by claiming discrimination or some bullshit like that. It goes on all the time in this country and I sick and damned tired of it.

Today's dumbass is a perfect example of one asshole trying to curtail the actions of a shitload of other people. In Indiana, some dumbass broad is trying to get perfumes and colognes banned from the high school campus because her wittle baby boy is allergic to the scents, which makes no sense. I feel for the kid with allergies as I suffer from allergies to many things. For example, I am very allergic to dumbasses like this kid's mother. Let's say that this high school has 1000 students and half of them wear cologne or perfume to school on any given day. The Allergy Kid says that he suffers varying degrees of reactions to the scents of the perfumes and colognes. To top it all off, Momma the dumbass says that because her kid is allergic to all the shit in the air around him and subjected to those smells on a daily basis, the school is in violation of (Wait. For. It.) the Americans with  Disabilities Act! Are you fucking serious? Hey, Lady Dumbass, did you ever stop to think that maybe your kid, allergies and all, is infringing on the rights of all the other students to wear cologne and perfume? Hell no!!!

Hey, Dumbass! I have a suggestion that will avoid all the unpleasant side effects of all those aromas in the high school. TEACH THE FUCKER AT HOME!!! I am sure that some of your pussy Liberal friends have already sued for a school for kids for like yours. Dumbasses like you are in constant Victim Mode and I, for one, am fed up with that shit. You professional victims won't be happy until everyone else is hamstrung by your victim mentality. Let me tell you something, dumbass. I am eat up with arthritis and fibromyalgia from my neck to my ankles and I would never infringe on the rights of others because of my condition. If I don't like the way things are done at one place, I'll find another place that is more suited to my circumstance. I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees and I, and millions more like me, ain't gonna take this "I'm a victim" shit anymore. And if you've raised your kid to be a pussy victim like you, then I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for him because he's been brought up by somebody like you. I pray that he'll be the one member of your family that is not a blight on the gene pool and will realize before it's too late, that he is doomed to a life failure because of what you have taught the poor young man.

I guess I could have saved myself a few hundred words of brilliant commentary by typing a simple words that succinctly summarize how I feel. Fuck you, dumbass.You are breathing my air. Have a nice day.

Dumbass.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Dumbass Chick Lets Boyfriend Cheat on Her for One Night

I am taking the day off, as is my custom on Sunday. The following is one of the most popular posts in the short history of Dumbass News. It's pretty damn funny too. :)

Skank Gives Boyfriend "A Night Off" - Dumbassery Ensues

Hi, I'm Susie and I'm a Dumbass!
See the young lady in the photo? She is a dumbass. Probably a very nice young lady, but a dumbass none the less. Why so harsh? Let me splain. This young woman, who we'll call Susie, has a steady boyfriend (David) of a few years. So far, so good. Until they started drinking. Then the fun began. David asked an alcohol-fueled question of Susie,
"If you could have sex with anyone in the world, who would it be?" he asked me.
"You," I replied.
"Other than me."
-This witty drunken repartee led to this Dr. Phil moment when David, ever the horn dawg, came up with this beauty, "If I cheated would you consider it an unforgivable offense?" David asked me, that fateful night, as we sat, a bit sloshed, on our couch."  Susie responded, "Depends". You can see where this is going. A few months later, after engaging in "a night off" with another chick, these two extreme dumbasses were in bed when "suddenly David put his hands to his face and said, as if in one breath: "I cheated on you and I'm scared to tell you because I'm afraid you're going to get mad at me, and cry, and break up with me." No shit, Sherlock. Not only is David a dumbass, he's a pansy too. Ol' Dave confessed to his transgression, but, Susie the Understanding Dumbass, decided that it was OK for David to have a "night off" banging some other broad. After all, they had discussed it beforehand.  At this point in our story, I can no longer add anything to it without quoting Susie verbatim for the rest of the story. In Susie's own words :
I felt like he was being honest. OK, he may have spent a few days -- or weeks -- thinking about it before telling me ... but, I thought, everyone is entitled to a little privacy. Besides, it was a true one night stand.

As far as I was concerned, in terms of how "nights off" might go, his was ideal. As ideal as that situation can be. He had stepped out of the relationship and hated it. I didn't know until after it happened, and he wanted everything to go back to the way it had been between us before. I couldn't have written the movie script better myself. I mean, I had told him months earlier that I could forgive such a transgression under the right circumstances, and these seemed like the right circumstances to me.
 

Today, several years later, I'm older and wiser -- and David and I did break up a couple of years later, but not because of this. In retrospect ... I still kind of feel the same way I did that day. In my opinion, a relationship isn't sex. Sex is important, but it's not the end of the world, and if someone has sex outside of their relationship, it doesn't have to end the relationship.
 

I knew that after David had taken his night off, I could do the same. I mean, what could he say? He'd have to forgive me. But I didn't. I guess I just never met the right person, or was in the right situation, so it never happened. I mean, I didn't want to force it, just to get even. He felt so bad that day, I didn't really have a desire to "get even" anyway. It actually made us closer than ever, so I never really felt the need.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, even in one relationship, no two situations are the same. Should you take a night off from each other? I don't know -- you'd have to talk with your lover to decide if it's right for you. Do I think it can help a relationship? Yeah, I do. I think it can settle a curious mind. If you end up breaking up ... well, to me, that's just fate, and it was meant to happen anyway. No matter what you do, you can't make a bad relationship work. In turn, you can't ruin a good relationship with a silly one night stand. Not a real one. We're raised to believe that stepping outside of a relationship is a bad thing ... I don't think it has to be.


To recap: Boy meets girl. They become a couple. They get blasted on Boone's Farm and mutually decide that a "night off" to have sex with whomever is OK. Boy has "night off", then feels like an asshole. Girl, who is a dumbass, says "no problemo", forgives boy and immediately starts to look for some poor, horny dipshit to lay. Girl fails in effort to get laid by horny dipshit, although she was certain Boy would say, "That's OK, honey, you needed a "night off". Several years later, Girl Dumbass still thinks it's OK to have a "night off" in a relationship. Girl is still single and now peruses bus stations for a horny homeless dipshit to have a "night off" with. Girl now does TV commercial for drugs that treat recurring STD's.

What the hell? First off, if I even thought of asking my wife if I could have a "night off", she'd cut off my gazebos with a rusty butter knife. Second off, I have never been drunk enough to ask my wife such a dumbass question. Third off, my wife would cut off my gazebos if I ever got that loaded, "night off" or not. Fourth off, I have grown fond of my gazebos over the last 54 years. Fifth off, my Mama raised me better than that. Sixth off, I am scared of my wife. And seventh off, I am really scared of my wife with a rusty butter knife in her hand when she has "that look" in her eyes.

In conclusion, we have ascertained that David is a sissy, Susie is a Godless skank and a dumbass of the highest order and I value my gazebos. The moral to the story is, guys, that if you and your wife/girlfriend/whatever get inebriated and decide that you need a "night off", hide the rusty butter knives from your wife/girlfriend/whatever. Your gazebos will thank you for it.

hat tip : Aol News





Saturday, September 17, 2011

Dumbass News: Week in Review

We had another great week in Dumbass News with some stories that other bloggers are too stoopid, or too smart, to post. Along with my pithy commentary and liberal use of vulgar language, we gave the internet an enema flushing out all the shit that was worth a damn. For example:

  • On Monday we had a touching love story of a pervert and his one true love - a plastic swimming raft.
  • Tuesday bought us one of the weirdest stories that we've ever published on Dumbass News. And it took place just down the road in South Berwick, Maine.
  • We also had the tale of a guy who stole some live lobsters and stuffed them in his pants! No word yet on whether this dumbass still has his gazebos.
  • I've been sick most of the week so I also reached out to the Wayback Time Machine to grab a couple of my personal favorites from last year. we learned of one Italian town's plans to rid the area of hookers by, get this, cutting down the forest! Another good one invlolves a guy who was lost on an island for five days before finding out he could have used his cell phone to call for help.
Rest assured that next week will bring us more dumbass stories as only a true Dumbass like me can present to the world. Until then...adios!

Dumbass.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Dumbass Lost on Island - Fails to Use Cell Phone!

Useless in the Hands of a Dumbass
I still have the flu and feel like hell, so I am gonna re-post one of my favorite stories from last year. This was originally posted on December 30, 2010. 
If you were stranded on some deserted island after a boating mishap (cue Gilligan's Island theme song), faced with a situation that could possibly end up with you being injured or even dead, what would you do? I don't about you, but I am trying like hell to get myself noticed. I might light a fire or use rocks to "print" a message on the beach or any number of other things that would send out a call for help to get my dumb white ass off the damned island! What of you were faced with the same predicament and you had a cell phone and a good enough signal to use it? Speaking solely for myself here, I am calling 911! That's just the way I roll.

There's this dumbass in California who faced the exact circumstances I outlined in scenario number two. This dipshit was the victim of a one man Gilligan's Island-type event. He was, like Gilligan and the rest of the castaways, stranded on a deserted island off the California coast. He was marooned when the inflatable raft he was in sprung a leak. He managed to get to the island safely before he was lost at sea. That's something that could happen to anybody, so you can't call the guy a dumbass just for that. However, this dumb fuck, unlike Gilligan and the gang, had a cell phone and access to a cell phone tower and he refused to use it! Why in the name of all that is Holy would he not used his damned cell phone??!! Wait. For. It. Because he was too embarrassed! I am not making this up. His name is Brian "Goat Man" Hopper. I ain't makin' that up either. Because Goat Man is a complete idiot and dumbass, he spent five days on this island living off of vitamins and plants native to the island. This brings up another important question. What kind of sub-moronic dumbass wakes up and says to himself, "Today I think I'll take my inflatable raft out on the Pacific Ocean for a little ride, but I dare not forget my vitamins!" Goat Man did not say, "I'd better take some water and maybe a sandwich in case something were to awry." He took his frakkin' Flintstones vitamins! I made up the part about the Flintstones vitamins. He prolly took his One-a-Day for Dumbasses instead.

On Day 5 of his "three hour tour", Goat Man got hungry enough to call his cousin who then notified the authorities. In a rare moment of lucidity after his rescue, Goat Man said, "I was embarrassed to be stranded on an island," Hopper said. "I thought I could fix my boat and make it to land ... I didn't want to spend the taxpayers' money to have the Coast Guard come rescue some stupid guy." Hammer meet head of nail. Goat Man also had this to say, Hopper said he now admits he should have called 911 in the first place. "It was the right thing to do," he said. Ya think?

Thank goodness, Goat Man is alive and well, but I have another question. What if Goat Man were stranded on that island with Jessica Alba and they thought they were doomed to die? Would he try to "get some"? Naaah. That ignorant bastard would say he was saving himself for marriage. Dumbass.

Also Useless in the Hands of a Dumbass

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Man in a Pinch Over Stolen Lobsters

Revenge: Cooking Gazebos
You know when you're watching TV and a car commercial comes on showing a guy driving like a bat out of hell on a 10 foot wide dirt road on the side of a mountain with a 3000 foot vertical drop where the tiniest of mistake could send him to the Big Stunt Show in the Sky? Sometime during the ad a printed disclaimer saying "Do Not Try This at Home" appears onscreen. My first thought is always "No shit Sherlock". Having driven on such roads high in the Rockies, I can assure you that hauling ass on them is not the first thing that pops into my dumbass mind.

On a similar note, stuffing live lobsters into my pants is not high on my bucket list. But, there's a guy in Mississippi who seems to like to do just such a thing. Let me splain.

Nathan Hardy of D'Iberville, Mississippi was doing his Christmas dinner shoplifting early this year at a local Winn Dixie when he did exactly that. I now live in Maine and it's my personal observation that lobsters have these large things at the end of their front "arms" called claws. It's also true that lobster claws are very powerful. Powerful to the point that they could remove a finger from your hand. This brings to mind the fact that Nathan stuffed these live lobsters in his pants! As a man, one of the last things I want in my pants (near my gazebos) is a live lobster. Keys? Yes. Money. No problemo. Something that could cut off my gazebos like a hot Rachel Ray steak knife through butter? Not so much.

Our dumbass friend Nathan went even further in his little shoplifting spree. He also stuffed two bags of shrimp and a pork loin in his waist band! Where he got all that room to stuff a Christmas Feast in his shorts, I don't know, but I can only assume that there must not be much in the way of a package to prevent him from doing so. And that's all I'll say about that. One thing for sure though is that it took a whole lotta dumbass to to attempt such a stunt.

Furthermore, Nathan tried to outrun the cops with all this food, including the live lobsters, crammed into his frakkin' pants! What if a trail of food led the police to this dipshit? I can just hear the persuing officer when he discovers the food trail.

Cop: "Hey, McFinkelstein! I have a lead! Look at this..pork loin (a few steps later)...shrimp...one live lobster...another live lobster with a pair of gazebos in his claw..." Upon further investigation, the fuzz find Nathan bleeding from the groin area, gazebo-less. The cop continues, "We've got him, Clancy! And be sure to put those gazebos in an evidence bag! His bag is useless."

To summarize, Nathan is not only a thief, but he is a felon too, who somehow escaped this tomfoolery with his gazebos. He won't need them where he's going though. Maybe he should have stuffed the pork loin up his ass as a preview to what's gonna happen once he arrives in prison. A live lobster up his ass would have made his new "friend" quite angry during a moment of prison bitch intimacy.

Dumbass.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Ridding Italy of Hookers by Cutting Down Forests!

Hey, Big Boy, Wanna See My Forest?
I have the flu or something and writing a new post today would make it even worse than normal (if that's possible), so here's a post I ran on October 17, 2010. It's pretty good stuff. Enjoy!

 I have never equated hookers and the forest. Having said that, I have visited the forest thousands of times, hookers, not so much. Italy, as I have seen on TV, is a beautiful place with traditions thousands of years years old. My wife's family came to America from Sicily. That's one reason I don't aggravate my wife, I never know when I'll wake up to a horse head in my bed, so I stay on the straight and narrow. I am not a dumbass.  :)

The Italian town of Abruzzo has a problem with sex for sale. As far as I can tell from this story, hookers hang out in the woods in Abruzzo and "sell their wares". The regional government of Abruzzo came up with a brilliant solution to this age old problem - cut down the forest! Abso-damn-lutely brilliant! Brilliant for a bunch of dumbasses. Let's apply this story to the US. What will happen to the unlicensed hookers in Nevada? Will the Nevada state government grow trees in the desert to rid it of prostitutes? Or will they take the hookers to the woods in Nevada then cut sown the forest to rid it of prostitutes? Or maybe the city of Las Vegas will choose to implode all the hotels in the city, then haul the hookers out to the woods, then cut down the forest to rid it of whores! How could anybody argue with such logic? Another question pops up here. Will the hookers get unemployment insurance? And will the whores in the Obama administration count these as jobs saved or created? Or will the whores in Nevada get jobs in the White House? The possibilities are endless.

At least the hookers in Italy and Vegas screw only one guy at a time, while Obama and his cadre of dumbasses screw the whole damn country.

Dumbasses.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Teens Drink Anti- Freeze! I Prefer Tequila

Not to be Confused with Jose Cuervo
I seldom refer to teenagers as dumbasses when I do this blog. Teenagers do dumb shit all the time, simply because they are teenagers. You, me, the Pope, all God's children did stoopid stuff as teens. I only call today's teens dumbasses when it's necessary to the plot. In this story, it's necessary to the plot. Let me splain.

Two teenage boys in South Berwick, Maine pulled a dumbass stunt that rates a "10" on the Official Dumbass-O-Meter. the two boys, 15 and 16, went uninvited into a neighbor's garage and discovered some liquor bottles thinking that the bottles were full of hooch. Having already committed a trespassing offense, the duo decided to cop a buzz by taking a few shots of the "liquor". This where karma comes into play, being the bitch that karma can be. After having a number of belts, the boys got  buzz alright, but not from alcohol. Instead of a stash of booze, these two juvenile dipshits had imbibed anti-freeze! Yes, anti-freeze. As in Prestone. Now as a former professional drinker, I can tell you that there is a definite difference in appearance and taste between, say, whiskey and anti-freeze. I can also say that as a former professional drinker, that I never had the urge nor inclination to have a snort of anti-freeze or to break in to a neighbor's garage to steal his booze. I may have done so to steal his anti-freeze, but never his fire water. Hell, most of my neighbors would have gladly shared either their likker and/or anti-freeze with me. But, I digress.

Upon someone finding the two boys, the cops were called. Here's a piece of the story from the WCSH6.com (local TV station) website: "Police were having a tough time getting any information out of the boys. When they went to the hospital to talk with them they were incoherent." Well slap me down with a wine cooler! Upon further investigation, it was learned what had happened and the kids were hospitalized and are expected to make a full recovery.
That is certainly good news.

Now you can understand why I have no problem in calling these two guys dumbasses. Or dumbfucks. Or stoopid shits. Or...nevermind, you get the idea. Some people in South Berwick are even calling for the home owner whose garage was left open to be prosecuted! Are. You. Shittin'. Me? If this couple of dickweeds weren't petty thieves (remember, they trespassed and stole from someone's garage), they wouldn't be in the shape they are in now! Their parents are the ones who should be excoriated (and spayed & neutered) for having raised two such mentally deficient teenage delinquents! When they recover from their stoopid-ity, make the little bastards get a job to reimburse any and all costs for the police, EMS people, hospital personnel, etc. who were obligated to respond to this act of two brain dead (no pun intended) idiots.

Do that or teach the ingorant fucks the difference between likker and anti-freeze. They'll like likker much better. Trust me.  :)

Dumbasses.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Man Busted for Humping Plastic Raft

Edwin, Lover of Rafts

If you have read even a single post on this blog, you know that there are some real weird people on Planet earth. I mean some real weird people. I call them dumbasses as you well know. However, once in a while a dumbass comes to my attention that goes beyond dumbassery into the world of mentally challenged. Take today's dumbass for example.

There's a guy named Edwin Charles Tobergta who was recently busted for one of the most sickening and strange things I have ever heard of. His crime? Indecent exposure. But good ole Edwin was not committing just any form of showing his tallywhacker in public. He was caught performing a sex act on a, get this, "pink swimming pool accessory". It turns out that the "pink swimming accessory" was an inflatable raft. How a grown man has sexual activity with an inflatable swimming raft is beyond me, but Edwin was going hard and heavy at it. Thank God the story from UPI doesn't go into further detail. However, with the information provided we can deduct that Edwin is a bona fide dumbass. And a pervert. At first, Edwin tried to flee the cops but it's probably not easy to make a clean getaway with your ding dong stuck in a plastic raft. Even if Edwin had made his escape, it would be equally difficult to explain to others why your manhood is stuck in a "pink swimming accessory".

At this point I have some questions. Where in a swimming raft would Edwin put his pee pee in order to perform a sexual act? Second, does that mean that Edwin has a pencil dick? You get the picture. You also get nauseous just thinking about it. In the name of decency (of which this blog has none, even if we knew what it meant), I will not further elucidate.

What will be Edwin's next sexual conquest? Rubber duckies? Malibu Slut Barbie? Spaghetti-Os? I shall be vigilant in keeping up with this story by occasionally reading the online version of the Hamilton Journal News. I would hate to see Edwin made fun of or be assaulted, but that's Hamilton, Ohio for those you who would like to heap ridicule, scorn and brass knuckles upon Edwin Charles Tobergta.

On the other hand, Edwin's friends and family know exactly what to get him for Christmas.

Dumbass.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

September 11, 2001; Never Forget, Never Forgive!

Heroes
WARNING: THIS POST IS FULL OF ADULT LANGUAGE. If you are easily offended, DO NOT READ THIS!. Consider your self warned.

Where were you when the world stopped turnin' that September day... I was at work and for some inexplicable reason, I was there about two hours early. I had already grabbed the Dallas Morning News and was reading the Sports section. With the TV at the bar tuned in to Fox News Channel, I just happened to look up and read the crawl across the bottom of the screen. The first plane had hit the North tower of the World Trade Center. My first thought was that the pilot of the jet had a heart attack or something. Then the second plane struck the South tower. It was at that point that I knew this was much more serious than someone having a heart attack. This was an attack OK, a cowardly attack on thousands of Americans, innocent people, just doing what they do every day, an attack on my country! The second that the plane blasted into the South tower, I knew it was an act of terrorism. The United States was effectively in a state of war. The worthless bastards that perpetrated this horrendous murder of almost 3000 American citizens had, by their actions, made it so. President George W. Bush made it all but official a short time later when he addressed the people of New York City that this was indeed an act of war. A few weeks later, we let those Islamic assholes in Afghanistan know that the United States of America meant business. That was when our President was a real man, unlike the pussy occupying the White House now. Hundreds of New Yorkers were killed on impact and dozens more decided it would be better to leap to their deaths than to be incinerated in the inferno of the WTC. The rage within me grew more intense with each innocent human being that was forced by the goat fucking Islamist sons of bitches to make a sudden die by fire or die by jumping out a window 1000 above the ground decision. My hatred for those pedophile "prophet" worshippers was boiling inside me like the towers that burned before me eyes. To this day, that feeling of hatred, pure fucking hatred for those cocksuckers simmers just below the surface. I hope God will forgive me some day, but I cannot yet bring myself to forgive those barbarians. These motherfuckers not only viciously murdered 3000 men and women, but they had forever changed the lives of tens of thousands more family members and friends of the dead, so I hope they all burn in hell for eternity. They are beyond redemption and deserve the endless torment of the fiery lake of Hades, so fuck them with the barbed cock of Satan, their true master. If that makes me a bigot, then so be it, I am a bigot. Their so called "holy book", the Koran, commands people (and I use that term loosely) like them to slaughter the Infidel simply because he/she is not a Muslim. The Koran compels them to do this kind of shit, like flying jets into buildings, so the name of Allah will be glorified. Are you fucking kidding me? From newadvent.org (The Catholic Encyclopedia) I found this:"The Koran contains dogma, legends, history, fiction, religion and superstition, social and family laws prayers, threats, liturgy, fanciful descriptions of heaven, hell, the judgment day, resurrection, etc. — a combination of fact and fancy often devoid of force and originality. The most creditable portions are those in which Jewish and Christian influences are clearly discernible." Legends, fiction and superstition, huh? Sounds like an Oliver Stone movie. I don't know about this Allah asshole, but the one true God that I worship tells me that I must treat others as I want to be treated, not to slay innocent human beings for not being a Christian in order to bring glory to God. As for the other billion plus idiots that follow this cult called Islam, if you believe the same absurd shit that the nineteen hijackers of 9/11 did, then I have no use for you either. You are breathing my air, so stay the fuck away from me. I will not discriminate against you, but I want nothing to do with your sorry asses until you repudiate Islam and the violence and bigotry inherent to it. Until then, kiss my ass. Islam is not a religion, it is an ideology. A political ideology.True religions dictate that you show kindness, mercy, compassion and charity to your fellow man, not slice his head off for merely being a non-Muslim. True religions call for forgiveness of our transgressors, not the brutal stoning or hanging of someone who "offends" your twisted view of spirituality and worship of whatever you assholes worship, like that stupid fucking rock in Mecca or whichever God-forsaken third world sewer of a city you call Muslim "civilization". Defending your "religion" is one thing, but the wholesale murder of innocent men, women and children to show the rest of the world that they are "infidels" is beyond repulsive, it is degrading to God and his children. Americans don't cotton to the kind of vile behavior you proclaim in the name of Allah and we will not stand still for that kind of shit! We will slap a missile from a Predator drone up your worthless asses and not think twice about it. You asked for war, then dammit we'll give a fucking war, dickweeds. When we kick the slimy America-hating, steaming pile of camel dung that we call a President out of the White House and get a man or woman that loves this country like the average Citizen does, you'd better have more than Allah to protect your sorry souls, because there will be no place to hide. We will show no mercy in tracking you down like the pigs you are and ask you exactly once if you want to surrender. If your answer is "no", then we will happily and without giving it a second thought to it, dispatch you to the 72 virgins you so naively believe to be waiting for you in "Paradise".  We have sent our sons, fathers, daughters and even mothers to find and kill you bastards. Thousands of them gave their lives so the United States will be free of murderous lunatics like you, and thousands more volunteer every day to pick up where the fallen left off. America is not afraid of you. We stand vigilant, eyes and ears wide open, so we may detect you and will do whatever is needed to stop you before you commit more atrocities against our Citizens. We ain't scared, assholes. You may succeed in your homicidal mission from time to time, but rest assured, the every day American you seek to intimidate, will not cower to you and your deadly intentions. We will, however, happily and with extreme prejudice blow your evil carcass to Kingdom Come when it becomes necessary to the plot. We, as Americans, owe that much to the 3000 innocents you killed at the World Trade Center and to the thousands of our young men and women who perished in the line of duty when sent to defend the United States from deranged motherfuckers like you. In the words of Todd Beamer, a passenger on Flight 93, which crashed in a Pennsylvania, "Let's roll". Simply put, send your soul to Heaven because your asses are ours. AMF - Adios Mother Fuckers, have a nice day. I will never forget nor will I ever forgive!

God bless America!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Java Jugs: Have a Coffee and a Lapdance

Cofeee? Tea? Lapdance?
This country has gone to hell in a hand basket. The economy sucks, unemployment is over 9% and now the cops of Edmonds, Washington are busting baristas for flashing their boobs at customers. This is an outrage! It is every American woman's God-given right to show her hammers to anyone at any time she wants to. It's gotta be in the Constitution somewhere. Maybe the commerce clause? I have been a fan of knockers for a long time, so this hits me especially hard. I drink coffee on occasion, but I look at tatas every day of my life and have done so for over 50 years. I am not giving up leering at boobs for anybody or any reason!

Here's the deal: The women in question work for a Starbuck's-like place called Java Jugs in Edmonds. Irony anyone? Anyway, these broads have been serving more than double latte chocolate mocha espresso supreme with extra sugar and cream. Some customers buy "coffee" for as much as $20. In return they get a lap dance and a good look at some titties. For some odd reason the Police in Edmonds fail to see the benefits of such a "sale". Did I mention that Java Jugs has a stripper pole inside the shop? Yup. A stripper pole. What good is a stripper pole going unused, just standing there waiting, nay, pleading, for some skank to git nekkid and reveal her assets to paying customers? None, I say!

Think about it. You stop at Dunkin Donuts and pay $5 for a cup of coffee and drive away with nothing but a $5 cup of coffee. Guys who stop at java Jugs come away with much more than just a lousy cup of coffee, they drive away with, er, um, inspiration. And memories of a well-formed set of sweater puppies. And the cops get all in a huff about it. Where's there sense of live and let live? What do the Police have against boobies? I mean hell.

The Boob Squad of the Edmonds PD found out about this little enterprise and promptly sent over an undercover guy who witnessed what was going on for himself. He even got a lapdance or two or ten (one can never be too hasty when evaluating such a delicate case). After much evidence gathering, the cops wrote out a lot of citations to the sluts ladies working at Java Jugs and the owner of the erstwhile strip joint said that she would be nice and follow the laws as written. No more bare breasts at Java Jugs. sad, isn't it?

By the way, the police will be keeping an eye peeled for more flashing of the racks at JJ"s. The lawmen also vow to keep doing "undercover" work to keep Java Jugs in compliance. I'll bet. <snort>

Dumbasses.

UPDATE: From Beef Blogonoff in the comments.:
"As for the constitution I believe it's ...they are (well) endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights...(especially)the pursuit of (my)happiness." bwahahahahahahaha!!!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Pot From Wrecked Truck Stolen by Passersby! Munchies Ensue

Making People Hungry for 1000's of Years
OK fellow Dumbasses, it's time for another "Dumbass With Marijuana" story. But this story has a Dumbass twist to it. Let me splain.

This particular story takes place in California. (Surprise!) San Jose to be exact. At least one dumbass was driving a truck near a mall in San Jose when the truck overturned. Three guesses as to what was in the vehicle at the time of the accident and the first two don't count. My first guess was furniture and stuff because they were moving from one house to another. Wrong. secondly, I was thinking that the truck driver was making a delivery of food to the poor people of San Jose, but that was incorrect as well. Then, light a bolt of lightning out of nowhere, it struck me! I bet the dumbass had a truckload of pot. Imagine my surprise that pot was the right answer! I wasn't really surprised because after all we're talking about California here.

The twist to this story takes place after the truck crash when witnesses to the crash started picking up large bags of marijuana and running away with them! What fun! And what dumbasses. Of course the truck was abandoned by the time the cops got there, but the cops did see some of the pot buzzards fleeing with the bags of the Herb Superb. This is not a good idea. As a matter of fact, the marijuana thieves committed at least two felonies within the matter of a few seconds - Possession of a controlled substance and eluding police. i am sure a couple more charges could be added to those, but what do I know? I am a dumbass. But I ain't no pot thief! Besides, because of my bad back, I couldn't lift a large bag of marijuana on my best day.

Up there ^^^ I said that it's not a good idea to steal pot right in front of the local constabulary. Why? Because the cops have video cameras in their squad cars! Anyway, the police are on the lookout for the driver of the truck and the dumbasses that stole the contraband. My suggestion to the San Jose PD is to look in all McDonalds in the area. Anybody smoking a large bag full of marijuana is bound to be hungry. Not that I would personally know about such things. I don't even like McDonalds. I'm just sayin'. :)

Dumbasses.

P.S. You can find other dumbass marijuana stories here, here, here and here.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Hell Comes to Texas

This will not be the usual Dumbass News post, but I will have the biting satire and brilliant commentary you have grown accustomed to a bit later today.

Hell Comes to Texas
I am sick to my stomach. I am sad. And there's nothing I can do about it. My home is burning. Surely you have seen or read about it. Texas is on fire. Literally.

The wildfires in Texas have burned several hundreds of thousands of acres and show no signs of slowing down. Possum Kingdom Lake,one of my favorite places on Earth, has been ravaged by the fires and residents of the area have been evacuated. 90% of Possum Kingdom State Park has been destroyed and two others are in the path of the infernos. Though threatened, San Angelo State Park and Lake Arrowhead SP are still open. My great friend Bob Zeller, the Blog Owner of Texas Tweeties, lives very close to San Angelo State Park. I am praying for him and his lovely bride of over 50 years, Ann.

My brother from another mother, Mark can see the approaching wildfires as they creep closer to his place of employment in the Hill Country. I am praying for Mark and Marcy as well.

Texas firefighters, especially in the rural areas of the State are in desperate need of reinforcements to help them battle this monster of flames. I urge anybody who has the time and resources to assist them to contact the Texas Forest Service in Austin at 512-339-4118. They can direct you to other Forest Service offices scattered throughout Texas. I am certain that they will appreciate anything you can do to help out.

I have no doubt that the people of Texas will make it through this horrible ordeal, no matter how bad it gets. Texans are a proud and sturdy bunch and it'll take more than wildfires to break their spirit. And when a Texan comes back from disaster, he comes back with both barrels ablazin'. That's just how they roll.

Still, my heart is breaking. But my Texas Spirit remains undaunted.

God bless Texas!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Elementary School Flies Saudi Flag Higher Than Old Glory!

Treat her with respect
The United States of America is routinely ridiculed and scoffed at by dumbasses all over the world. No surprise there. But! Our country is also berated by some her own citizens, mostly  Liberal, Commie, Marxist and various and sundry other dumbasses. We have grown to expect such derision from leftist shit for brains freaks, but a recent case of America trashing comes from a school in Fort Collins, Colorado.

I lived in Colorado on and off for over 20 years and I love the place, but it is loaded with Liberal pussies, mostly from California. Side Note: there's an ongoing saying in Colorado that goes like this: "Don't Californicate Colorado". I agree. Californians flee the massive tax burden they are faced with in their home state only to move to Colorado and try to establish the same damn system! The locals don't like that much. End of Side Note.

Back to the topic at hand. At Bauder Elementary School in Fort Collins, the school routinely flies the flag of a foreign country along side Old Glory to recognize the nationality of various students attending the school. Question: Barring the newly arrived foreign students and wetbacks, if the kids are attending an American school, shouldn't they be Americans? Why is there a need to fly another country's flag, especially when the flag being flown is that of a country that despises us??!! In this case, the flag of Saudi Arabia.

Yup. I said Saudi Arabia. you know the country who sponsors terrorism (9/11 hijackers anyone?), brutally murders in cold blood it's own citizens protesting the rule of a tyrant and treats women as property. Yeah. That Saudi Arabia.

One fine day Bauder Elemenatry School's Principal decided it was a good day to fly the flag of SA next to the American flag. I don't like this idea, but it's their school. Here's where I get pissed off. The dumbasses who hoisted the SA flag atop the flagpole then lowered the American flag to a position lower than the Saudi banner. I am a dumbass and I immediately knew that something ain't right here. So I used the powers of my Google Fu to further investigate. this what I found at ushistory.org:
4. When flags of States, cities, or localities, or pennants of societies are flown on the same halyard with the flag of the United States, the latter should always be at the peak. When the flags are flown from adjacent staffs, the flag of the United States should be hoisted first and lowered last. No such flag or pennant may be placed above the flag of the United States or to the right of the flag of the United States (the viewer's left). When the flag is half-masted, both flags are half-masted, with the US flag at the mid-point and the other flag below.

When the story of this bullshit was run in a local newspaper, the feces made contact with the rotating blade. In other words, the shit hit the fan. Folks in Fort Collins were not amused. Long story short, the situation was corrected and the school will no longer display the US flag in such a demeaning manner. That's as it should be.

My problem with this deal is: how stoopid are the administrators at Bauder? Do they not have computers and the slightest idea of how to use Google to find proper flag etiquette for stuff like this? I took me all of 10 seconds to find a site dedicated to the proper display and care of the American flag. And why in the name of God do they feel a need to recognize any student's nationality? The answer to this question is easy. It's a feel good thing for the sake of diversity and multiculturalism. I bet the assholes that run the school won't let the kids keep score during a game of kick ball. We are all the same! There are no losers! Kids' self esteem must be considered over everything else! Fuck that shit. If the powers that be want to show a student the flag of his nationality, give him a fucking encyclopedia! Don't fly another nation's flag while disrespecting our own! Also, learn to use Google for the love of God! Another question: Would this school fly the flags of Israel or the Vatican? Hell no....too Jewish and Catholic, even though the Vatican is a sovereign nation.

Quit flying the colors of other countries and stick to the one that gives you the right to be a miserable douchebag...Old Glory.

Dumbasses.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Cut Fiber Optic Knocks Dumbass News Offline for 4 1/2 Days

No bueno.
Long story short.

A repairman in a back hoe cut a fiber optic cable cutting internet and phone service to hundreds of thousnds

That's where we stood from last Wednesday until late this morning.

I'll post more details later, so stand by for updates.

Toby
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