Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: November 2011 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Drunk Dumbass Redneck Gives All Drunk Rednecks a Bad Name

Redneck Roman Candle
What is a Redneck? A Redneck is a hard-working harder livin', God-fearing, take no shit and will kill a sonuvabitch that presents a clear and present danger to him or his family kind of a man. A Redneck is a man who will help his neighbor because it's the right thing to do, not because some Yankee Liberal dickweed from the Gubmint forced him to do so.  Rednecks love music and often have a little band that plays places like the VFW on weekends. He loves Lynyrd Skynyrd, Hank Williams, Jr, Willie and Waylon and George Jones. Regardless of what some guy whose closest encounter with the South is bucket of chicken from the Colonel, not all Rednecks are stoopid. Or dumbasses. The great majority of us are pretty good people. That's the short version of what a Redneck is. I am a Redneck. I am proud to be a Redneck and anybody that doesn't like Rednecks can kiss my Redneck ass. Now we can get to today's story. Provided of course that you didn't kiss my ass and split the scene.  :)

However, Some Rednecks ARE Stoopid 

There are dumbasses in every segment and ethnicity of the American people. I am sad to say it, but that includes Rednecks. But a Dumbass Redneck is a higher quality of Redneck than any segment of the other Dumbasses in our society. It's in the Bible, I think. Look under St. Jim Bob, Ch1, Vs1. Rednecks like Mark Wach of Palm City, Florida are the kinds of Rednecks that give the rest of us a bad name. Why?

Why 

Mark was, as we Rednecks say, drunk. In his state of intoxication, Mark was having a nice, normal bit of Redneck Fun by blasting away with his firearms. Shooting a gun while drunk is against all that a normal Redneck believes in, therefore Mark is in serious danger of losing his Redneck Card and being forced to un-learn the Top Secret Redneck Handshake. If he can't un-learn it, then we'll just kill him. Anyway...Mark was firing off a few rounds on his property when he and his son got into an altercation. The son was all out of whack not simply because Mark was shooting his guns, the son was pissed because Mark was shooting the son's lawn mower which was in the son's yard. Where I'm from, we call this Wednesday. As usual, the cops showed up and spoiled the fun. Mark was quick to point out to the fuzz that "this is what Redneck people do." This is true. But 99% of the time, we did stuff like this before we got bombed. After we got lit up real good, we would move on to much safer Redneck activities. Stuff like playing horse shoes. With the horse shoes still on the horse! Those were mighty good times. Except for the horses.

Why, Mark? 

I do not endorse or condone using a firearm while drunk. That is completely unacceptable at any time. Aside from that minor detail, Mark and his son, I think his name is Bobby Bob, were doing nothing more than having a good old Redneck Hootnanny. However, Mark did some stoopid shit and it gives all Rednecks a bad name.

Here's some brother to brother, man to man, Redneck to Redneck advice: next time you want to get to' down, put the weapons away! Play horse shoes. But make sure the horse is cool with it first. Trust me on this one.

Dumbass.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

No Matter How You Slice It, This Chick is a Dumbass

Try Our New Felony Loaf!
Over the past fourteen plus months, I have written about some real dumbass stuff on these very pages. And when I say dumbass, I mean stories about people with the I.Q. of a spitwad. These spitwads include the guy who was stranded on an island for five days just offshore in California before even trying to use his cell phone! This has been one of the most popular posts since I started the blog. This fact leads me to believe that many of you have been through a similar experience only you didn't use you cell phone to call for help, you sent smoke signals.....from a joint. Sheesh.Then there was the one about the guy who was "short-changed" by a hooker, so he sued her! What of value he get from a hooker? Stilletos? STDs? What the hell ever, let's move on.

Our little adventure into Dumbass World today takes us again to the Sunshine State of Florida, where a dumbass broad goes ape shit over toast.

Gettin' Toasted

Maria Acevedo, our Dumbass of the Day, came home one afternoon to find her sixteen year old sister using her (Maria's) bread to GASP! toast! I swear, young people today, what won't they do? Maria took exception to this event and scolded her younger sibling with great vigor and excitement. And by "scolding with great vigor and excitement" I mean Maria beat the dawg shit out if her sister. See? Maria was very excited. Here' where the "great vigor" part comes into play. Maria vigorously pounded the sister with a six inch metal frying pan about the head and shoulders and the upper extremities of her body. And as if that wasn't vigorous enough, Maria also pulled her sister's hair and smashed her skull against the floor. And all this "vigor" took place after the sister apologized! Arrest and incarceration ensued.

What I Think 

Maria, Maria, Maria. Just what are we gonna do with you, young lady? There are several issues concerning this incident that I'd like to address. 1) It's not a very smart thing to do to beat the snot out of a minor, especially when you are of the majority age. Can you say "felony"? 2) My "assaulting a minor" to Maria is: NEVER and I mean NEVER use a frying pan to try and crack a young person's skull. This, too, is known as a felony. 3) One last thing, Maria...sell some of that crack you've been smoking and soon you'll have enough cash flow to buy a whole damn bread truck.

You're welcome.

Dumbass.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Jesus Is Stolen from California Yard!

As we enter the Christmas Season here at Dumbass News, we try to focus on positive things about the world around us. And by positive I mean stoopid. But no matter how hard we try, there's always some dumbass out there to ruin things for us - even during the Holidays. Let me splain.

Begging to be Vandalized
The Splainin'

I have never been much of one to go dumbass crazy on Christmas decorations. I have nothing against those who can and do, it's just not my cup of tea. I guess I should clarify here what "dumbass crazy" is. I did a series of posts on my now closed down blog, Three States Plus One, about some serious Christmas light displays. And when I say serious, I mean dumbass crazy serious. Take a look at the displays here and here and you'll see what I mean by "dumbass crazy". Our family of dumbasses today doesn't go quite that far in their exuberance for Christmas, but they do toe the line of dumbass crazy.

Somebody Steals Jesus (and will go to Hell for it) 

The Rudd family of Moreno Valley, California woke up one morning to find out that the Christmas decorations in their front yard were AWOL. For you dumbasses in New Jersey that means that they were ripped off. Anyway, the missing decorations were stolen while the Rudds slept with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads just a few feet away inside their home. <----A little "Night Before Christmas" lingo there. Decorations are stolen every year from yards all over the country, I am sad to say, but there was one thing about this particular set of decorations that caught my eye. The $1600 price tag! Needles to say, the Rudds were heartbroken and all that sappy shit. I would be more than sad, I'd be in a homicidal rage at this point. "They brought tears to my eyes because we put a lot of work and a lot of heart into it," Sandra Rudd said. Now isn't that pitiful? Bullshit! Listen up, Lady, you are about to learn something.

Learning a Lesson 

Sandy Baby, I'll try to be gentle in my chastisement of you and your husband. You people are fucking dumbasses! You might as well have gone ahead and bought a flashing neon sign for your front yard that said "We are Dumbasses, Steal Our Decorations!" You see, Sandy, when someone puts up an extravagant Christmas light/Jesus display in their front yard for all to see, some of those who see it will be thieves!  And there's one thing about thieves you should know, Sandy. They don't give a shit whose stuff they steal! Even if it means stealing Jesus. Hell, thieves even steal from each other! Do you see where I am going with this, Sandy? I know, dearest Sandy, that you wanted your kid to have a big time Christmas like you never had as a little girl, but allow me let you in on one more thing before I go. Security. Security is mandatory when one has such a valuable display in her front yard. Security cameras? They're OK, but I have a couple of sure-fire ways to deter bad guys from committing felonies in your yard. One is a 12 gauge shotgun. It's very difficult for bad guys to escape Justice when they have a skull full of double aught buckshot. That's my personal choice because dead bad guys commit no more crimes. And as an added bonus, they don't make any little future felons either! A two-fer!  The other solution doesn't involve firearms, which is sad, but it is still very effective and cost conscience. Make a sign that says "This Property Protected By Pit Bull With AIDS...and He Hasn't Eaten In 5 Days".

There ya go, Sandy,. That's my advice to you, so take it or leave it. It's up to you. One more thing, Sandy. I have a "Jesus" Christmas yard ornament for sale and I heard you need one.

Dumbass.





Sunday, November 27, 2011

Nekkid Mail Guy is a First Class Dumbass

Neither rain, snow, sleet or frozen Gazebos...
Today we are gonna take a look through the Dumbass Time Tunnel and resurrect a post I wrote about this time last year. It involves a sad lady, a mail man and nekkididity. I'm sure you'll like it. 

Have you done something on a dare? Probably so, because we all have at one time or another. I would go so far as to say that the dares we followed through on were silly things that were basically harmless. But! some people are just too much of a dumbass to stay on the harmless side of things. Take for instance, a postman in Whitefish, Wisconsin. This guy is a dumbass. Let me splain.

The dumbass postman in our story today was very concerned about a lady who worked at one of the places he delivered mail to. The lady was down in the dumps about something and the dumbass mail guy wanted to cheer her up. And what a better way to cheer up a forlorn young lady than to deliver her company's mail in the nude! The mail guy offered to do so, as a public service of course, and the sad young lady replied, "I double dawg dare ya, you putz."  So, a short time later, the postman showed up nekkid as a jay bird, with his "male bag of goodies" (pun intended) and his "candy cane" full of holiday wishes, if you know what I mean and I think you do. After being arrested, the cops asked him why he did such a dumbass thing, the mail guy said that he wanted to make the sad lady smile. I hear that everyone who worked with the formerly sad lady had a large laugh at such a small package. The boys back at the Post Office, however, failed to see things the dumbass's way, so he was fired from his job. Oh, the lady that was sad at one time said she did nothing to encourage such dumbass behavior from the mail guy. She was looking for something in Parcel Post and all she got was General Delivery.

I feel kinda bad for this particular dumbass losing his job and all just before Christmas. This whole sordid affair does have a happy ending though. The mail guy was never put on trial. The prosecutor said that there was insufficient evidence to stand up in court.

Dumbass.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Longhorns, Aggies, Cursing Dolls & Dumbass of the Year Nominees

Adios Aggies
Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone and we are steamrolling our way like Michael Moore after a triple decker bacon cheeseburger towards one of the Holiest days on the Christian calendar. I am speaking, of course, of New Years Eve! Yes, fellow Dumbasses, New Years Eve, a day when even the most devout among us partake of the Devil's Water and perform stunts that they would condemn to hell anybody else who reveled in such a demonic way. Yes, this same self-righteous bastard who would wish you an eternity of wailing and the gnashing of teeth, will be running around on New Years Eve with a lamp shade on his head, his gazebos exposed in all their glory to reveal a temporary tattoo that reads "2012".Let's just hope for the dumbass' sake that nobody tries to "pull the string" to see if "2012" lights up. I'm fairly certain that the idiot would light up like the National Christmas Tree if "the string were pulled". I'm just sayin'.

What I am Thankful For

I am thankful you, fellow Dumbasses, each and every one of you from 120 countries around the globe. From Afghanistan to Zimbabwe and all countries and letters of the alphabet in between, I love you all. Even the Aggies. Side note for Aggies: 27-25. Have fun getting your asses handed to you in the SEC next year. It was fun for 118 years. Tradition-killing assholes. And I say that with love in my heart. Hook 'em Horns!

We now return you to your normal Dumbass Programming...I never knew that there that many dumbasses in that many countries. Now if I could get a few of you dumbasses in each of those 120 countries to support me in my effort to bring you the finest Dumbass News & Commentary to be found on the web. By support, I don't mean moral support, I mean hit the damn "Donate" button on the top right of the sidebar. I'm not asking for $100 a month from you. $5 a month from a lot of you would "encourage" me enough to continue writing this shit despite what PETA and Moose Limbs think. Remember, I am your Standard Bearer, your Fearless Leader, the only guy you know who's stoopid enough to write this drivel on a daily basis and I am the Head Dumbass! Besides, I need a new laptop. The one I am using now was ruined when I spilled Spam Soup all over the keyboard and into the guts of the machine. It ain't a purty sight.


One More Quick Thing -  Don't forget soon we'll be naming our 2nd Annual Dumbass of tthe Year before you know it, so go through the blog archives and pick out your nominee. Email nominations to realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com or leave them in the comments. There are dozens of worthy candidates for this prestigious honor, so choose carefully, grass-hoppah.
  • The Cursing Doll. A Dumbass Christmas gift if there ever was one. Read about the little bimbo right here.
  • Do your neighbors complain that your big ass flat panel TV and home theater system are disturbing them at all hours? Show the whiny bastards this story , then tell them to shut the fuck up and be grateful that they don't live near that monstrosity.
  • There are few people more rude and sneering, knowing they have your life in their hands, than state DMV workers. Ohio DMV  employees are the cream of the crop, or as we in Dumbassville say, the green turd in the punch bowl. 
Get those Dumbass of the Year nominations in soon and enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend. And hit the damn "Donate" button!


Dumbasses.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

A Dumbass Thanksgiving

                                HAPPY THANKSGIVING,  
                              DUMBASSES!    
Eat Moar Chikkin
            

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Ohio DMV: Prudes and Dumbasses

Unbridled Hatred
I love college football. In one way it's too bad that the season is winding down. On the other hand, it's time for some of the greatest rivalries in the game. This week alone we have Texas vs Texas A&M (Hook 'em Horns!), the Georgia Bulldogs play the Ramblin' Wreck from Georgia Tech and The Big House in Ann Arbor, Michigan will be the site of one of college football's greatest and most fierce rivalries as The Ohio State University visits the Wolverines of Michigan. I lived in Ohio for a while and let me tell you first hand how much OSU and its fans hate UM. Besides the normal fuck Michigan and Michigan sucks stuff, Buckeye fans take their animosity a little bit further. Taking it further meaning all the way their vanity license plates. Ohioans pay damn good money for those plates then the Department of Dumbasses at the Ohio Department of Motor Vee-hickles pull the rug right out from under them (the citizens) by declining their request for certain phrases on vanity plates.

Banned

The pussies at the Ohio DMV have denied requests for some stoopid phrases on vanity plates The to me seem relatively harmless. For example, one banned plate was simply "FMICHIGN". What the is the problem with that? Not a damn thing. Another doomed plate: "HATEMI". There other examples of this bullshit but I'll spare you the details since these two are among "the worst" requests. C'mon, Ohio DMV, man up you bitches! Grow a pair! "KILBLU"! <---That's on the no-no list too.I understand the need to keep the need to keep things family friendly, but holy shot, people. I can think of several slogans for vanity plates that would be inappropriate for public display. How about "FUKDBLU" or 'MICH812". Another good one would be "DMVRDUMASSES". It's a little long for a typical license plate, but maybe they could write it really small so it would fit. Where is the Freedom of Speech when you need it??!! I mean, if a guy from Ohio can't say (on a vanity plate) that "MICHEATSSWAMPDONKEYBALLS", what has this country come to? I am appalled! And disappointed. I'd look forward to seeing some visitors from Ohio here in Maine with a cool slogan on it supporting Ohio State. I can see it now..."CHRLEDRSATUMDONTEATTHEYGRAZE". It's all good clean fun that is an honored tradition in such athletic competition. But all the generations of carrying on with the spirit of thinking the other team is stomped out, nay, "SLOTRD" by a bunch of  "FUKRS" at the Ohio DMV. Old bastards who wouldn't know fun if it gave them a lap dance.

"OHIODMVSUXPIGSHITTHRUASTRAW".

Dumbasses.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Giant TV is a Giant Headache for Some New Yorkers

BFT
The Big Apple has a big TV problem. Big to the tune of a 6000 square foot digital TV on top of the Port Authority building, 8th Avenue and West 42nd Street. Residents of the neighborhood are, shall we say, a little miffed. No we shall not say "a little miffed", we shall say highly pissed off. Let me splain.

The Splainin'

The problem with this 6000 square foot behemoth is that it is turned on....24 hours a day, 7 days a week playing ADS for various businesses. During the nighttime hours, this thing must cast a helluva light around the area. According to the people who live near the giant TV say it keeps them up at night because of the pulsating lights emitted by the BFT (Big Fuckin' TV). You know how it is when a regular TV is on in a dark room of your house? The flashing and blinking as the shows and commercials change scenes and all that? It's almost as if a cop car is Code 3 right in your living room, lights and siren ablazin'. And that's from what, a 40 incher? Just think what 6000 square feet of LCD would do. It must look like the Apocalypse or some shit.

What Residents Say

One funky old dude offers us this: "It's flashing, flashing, flashing all the time, like lightning or having the paparazzi chasing you in your living room," said Wilmer Hernandez, 74, a 40-year resident of the neighborhood. My cats don't know what's happening. They're jumping around and looking all over the place trying to figure out where the light's coming from. It's funny, but it's not funny." Oh, yeah, fucking hilarious. If you want teh funnay, Wilmer, get your cats loaded just about dusk, then sit back, grab a cold beer and enjoy the entertainment. You'll be amazed at what a feline on catnip will do. Imagine Bobcat Goldwaithe on acid. Get the picture? It's hours of fun and except for the cost of the catnip, it's FREE, too!

The Other Rest of the Story

In all fairness, the Port Authority does dim the BFT by 40% at night as to not cause too much commotion. But, there is one small problem with that plan. It's a 6000 fucking square foot TV, you axlerods! What the hell are you dumbasses thinking? Good old Wilmer the Funky Old Dude and his cats, not to mention other residents in the area, are losing sleep, dealing with the flashing of the BFT's screen and their animals are going ape shit. Can't some sort of compromise be reached? Speaking of compromises, I just happen to have the foundation for one. It should appease the PA and the folks who live near the BFT. Why not turn the BFT off at 11pm or midnight and crank that bitch back up at, say, 6am. That way people can get some shut eye and the Port Authority could still flash their annoying ads. See how easy that was? I'm a Dumbass and came up with that. Couldn't you assholes at the PA have done something like that a long time ago? No! Because you are uncaring bastards who don't give a shit about people! Especially good ole Wilmer

The Wrap-Up

I know this is New York City we're talking about here, but what dipshit in his right mind is gonna see an ad for Peter Pan Bus Lines (an actual client of the BFT) at 2am and say, "Ya know, Honey, I was just thinking how much we need to get away from the Rat Race and the noise and pollution of the City. So, first thing at the crack of noon tomorrow, I'm gonna call Peter Pan Bus Lines can do for us!" It ain't happenin'.

My suggestion to the Port Authority is to come up with a plan like I outlined above or face the wrath of Wilmer, his cats and other pissed off Yankees. This is not a good thing. Also, it would be a terrible thing if Wilmer or one of his neighbors bought a 12 gauge shotgun and it were to "accidently" discharge eighteen or twenty times while aimed, unintentionally, at the BFT. But that would never happen, <snort> this is NYC, the city that never sleeps. Especially when there's a 6000 square foot TV playing at all hours.

Dumbasses.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Cursing Doll is a Bad Christmas Gift Idea

Dumbass Christmas Gift
We are barreling towards Christmas Day like Rosie O'Donnell rolling down a mountain side, so as your humble Dumbass Public Servant, I am here to day to publicly serve you. As long as my wife doesn't find out. I feel obligated to bring you the latest information on the dumbass toys that could find their way into your home this Yuletide Season. I have lived a pretty good life and have been lucky enough, or cursed by Satan, depending on your point of view, to have spent many Christmases around kids. From those experiences I have gleaned knowledge about children's gifts that the average person only wishes he had. For example, I have expertly deduced that getting a Tonka Toy dump truck for a young lad is a great thing. Giving the little turd tyke Spiderman underwear, on the other hand, is a dumbass idea from hell. How do you expect a little boy to rollick around in a good dirt pile and dig holes in it with Spiderman drawers? Trust me on this one. Dumbass.

Now for the Girls

Girls are pretty easy to buy for when they are young like my two daughters, who are 4 and 9. Barbie dolls, fake make up that ain't so fake when it ends up on the walls or carpet of your house and anything else that is girly.

There is an exception to this rule for girls, however. It is a doll with a name so long I ain't gonna type it out so I'll just call it The Doll. This particular doll can be found at a very well-known toy store whose name I won't print either, but it rhymes with 'Roy Tars Russ", IYKWIMAITYD. On the outside The Doll, a talking doll, looks just like any of the four million other dolls on the market, it's what's on the inside that separates this doll from all others. Pulling the string to make The Doll talk provides quite a surprise. Instead of saying cutesie things like "I love you Mommy" and "Daddy Sucks", The Doll says "You crazy bitch". Dumbasses would say, "what's the big deal?". Daddy says that to Mommy all the time. Especially when he drinks the stuff out of the bottle with the black and white label with a "7" on it. Non-dumbasses would be horrified to hear such language coming from a little girl's toy. However, Daddy calling Mommy a crazy bitch is quite the norm in non-dumbass families too!!. Why? Because so many non-dumbass  women are crazy bitches, that's why! But, I digress.

The simple way to handle this problem is to not buy the damn doll! How fucking hard to figure out can that be? At least the stoopid toy doesn't invite the kid to cut off Daddy's gazebos while he's sleeping, as is the wont of non-dumbass crazy bitches everywhere. Now if it said 'You crazy fucking bitch", these dolls would fly off the shelf like there was no tomorrow. Why, there would be lines of dumbasses and non-dumbasses alike stretching from New York to LA waiting to get there hands on this potty mouthed marionette. Can you spell "collectible"? I'm just sayin'.

My Conclusion 

So, lighten up, Francis and find something else to buy the little girls in your life. Like a Malibu Ho Barbie. See? There are alternatives to those nasty mouthed crazy bitch dolls some people try to push on our children. At the very least, doll makers could come up with a doll that mimics real life and real life situations. Make the dolls say something like, "Take Daddy a beer and cook his dinner, you moron!" or "Your ass is so big you're gonna need to get a Zip Code for it". See what I mean? Just normal, everyday phrases found in homes all around this country. What good is a doll that teaches our little girls nothing but naughty words instead of phrases of wisdom that come straight from common sense? I just don't get it.....but I'm sure some of you crazy bitches do. :)

Dumbasses.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Obama Condoms? Why Not? He's Screwing the Whole Damn Country

It's Second Chance Sunday for you Dumbasses.

Obama Cond
Back in the 70's there was a joke going around about Richard Nixon where the punchline was something like this: 'No, but we've got a dick in the White House screwing the whole country". Jokes, good and bad, tend to come around in new iterations many years later. Recently someone (I forget who, sorry) called the current Dumbass-in-Chief a "dick". There are prolly a few decent "dick" jokes that can be made from that bit of wisdom, but they wouldn't be nearly as funny since our current President is not named "Dick". He's just a "dick".  Just ask Jose the Condom Guy in New York City.

Jose has been selling "novelties" in the Big Apple for a while now and he has also had some run-ins with the NYPD. Long story short. Jose went to Court and won the right to sell his "novelties" as an unlicensed vendor in the the City. The City appealed the decision and the police continue to arrest Jose when he's doing business on NYC streets. Wonder if it's because NYC is a Liberal haven and Jose is selling condoms with Preznit Obama's image on them? But who am I to speculate on such things? I am a dumbass, that's who!Now, I have a question. Would the City of New York go after Jose if he sold condoms with, oh I don't know, George W. Bush's image on them? I think I know the answer.

More and more Americans each day are coming to the realization that our Fearless Leader is a dick and if the shoe condom fits...I really didn't intend for this post to go in this direction, it just kind of happened. Do I apologize? Not only "no", but "hell no"! Obama is a 98 pound weakling on a beach full of body builders, so why apologize? And why stop Jose from expressing his opinion with his Obama condoms? The Courts have already ruled in his favor, and until that decision is overturned, he's within his rights to do so. Freedom of speech, anyone?

So screw (with an Obama condom, of course) the higher ups in the NYPD and/or City of New York who continue to harass this man. Bunch of dicks...I mean...

...Dumbasses.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

The Three Ds: Dumbass, Disabled and Donate

You Can NEVER Un-see This
Where the hell has 2011 gone? This is the last weekend before Thanksgiving already. Damn. That means it's about time to start thinking about the Dumbass of the Year for Dos Mil y Once. A little Meskin lingo there. Who says that dumbasses can't be "cultured"? Don't answer that question!

As a matter of fact, I just happen to have a few examples of Dumbass Culture right here! See the shit works out right. It has been a wacked out week not only for Dumbass News, but for your cute and cuddly Head Dumbass as well. I learned a few days ago that I am no longer able to be a productive member of society. As if I ever was a productive member of society. Ha! My doctor is a dumbass. He thought by telling me that I am medically unable to work anymore that I would no longer be a blight on civilization. Did I fool him or what? As long as I can type I will continue to be a Blight of the Highest Order on Civilization! bwahahahahahaha!! Boy, did I ever fool him.

Proof

To prove my point, I have gone back through the Dumbass News archives and come up with written proof that I am as big a pain in the ass to "polite society" (whatever the hell that is) as I have ever been! 

Serious Societal Blight  
  • Earlier this week, I came up with an ingenious Plan to End the War on Terror. Let me Warn You that this post is extremely crude and juvenile, as always, but even moreso than your "normal" crude and juvenile. It is NSFW or Kids! Heed those words or try to wiggle your way out of explaining to your six year old why terrorists like to have "relations" with donkeys. I'm just sayin'.
  • Man Has No Toilet Paper... - Talk about a chapped ass. This dumbass has no TP in his motel room and he proceeds to go absolutely batshit crazy, doing over $2000 damage to the room. I wonder what he would've done if the motel staff forgot to put a little mint on his pillow. I shiver at the thought.
  • USF-Polytechnic - This is a touching story of how university officials waste thousands of dollars on Star Wars statues instead of some more worthy academic venture - like free porn for all the fraternities on campus. Just imagine all the poor deprived biology majors who will be affected by this travesty! 
That's what the week was like here at the Dumbass Dome. It could have been worse, but it could have been better if some of you dumbasses would hit the "Donate" button at the top of the right sidebar.  Do it for the students at USFP1 Do it for the guy who needs some toilet paper! But most of all, do it for your friendly disabled neighborhood blogging dumbass. My Mama will thank you for it.  :)


Dumbasses.

    Friday, November 18, 2011

    Our Country is Being Crapped On and I am a Mad SOB

    Don't Fuck With Americans
    This post is gonna hit home for many of you dumbasses. A new study has been released that says pornography is now collectible . I can see a bunch of you dumbasses haulin' ass to that secret place where those movies and "other stuff" are stored.. "I just knew "Debbie Does Donkeys" would be worth something one day!", you say. "Imagine what I could get for one of these "personal satisfaction devices". "They were only used for one scene and the donkey didn't seem to mind". You are sick bastards.

    There are times when what I want to say is insignificant.This is one of those times. Here's a good portion of the article from UPI: "It's definitely a new market, but it's an evolving market," said Naomi Wilzig, founder and president of the World Erotic Art Museum in Miami. People are realizing how important erotic art is to both own and display. People used to cast it aside as sordid, but are now realizing it's important. There's no doubt it's escalating."

    Ted McIlvenna, president of The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco and curator of the Erotic Heritage Museum in Las Vegas, said that as pornography becomes more mainstream, people are becoming more comfortable with owning part of its history, CNBC reported Saturday. "

    McIlvenna said many collectors are seeking items from the past.

    "A lot of the films people are rediscovering is happening because so much of the stuff they're making now is fast and furious," he said.

    Well shit. No wonder this crap made the news. It's from CNBC and the people who work there are a bunch liberal pussies. Those assholes will barely, if ever, mention the shit that the Occupy Wall Street dumbasses do (rape, drugs, public masturbation, shitting on police cars and more) but, dammit, they'll jump all over some bullshit about porn like it was two kids trading baseball cards. What the hell is going on in this country? Oh, wait, I know. Liberals and their policies have taken God out of the classroom, off many public places where crosses are erected to honor victims of drunk driving or law enforcement officers who have been killed in the line of duty and don't even bring up Christmas.

    I kind of veered off the path I wanted to take this post, but I am so mad I could spit sparks. The assault is on against everything this country is about and I for one ain't gonna take this shit anymore. I won't go into great detail, but let me assure you the powder is dry and I am a good shot. Too harsh you say? Hell no it ain't too harsh! The Constitution of the United States calls for the overthrow of the government when it strays from the original meaning of the Constitution and tramples the rights of the American people. Is this that time? I don't know, but I can say with 100% certainty, when the tipping point gets here, the Alamo will look like a cat fight. Bank it.

    The collection of leftists, Occupy Wall Streeters (but I repeat myself) and any other extremist group on the left or right that wants to run this country your convoluted way, go ahead, make our day and send your soul to Heaven because your ass is ours. Have a nice day. :)

    Dumbasses.

    Thursday, November 17, 2011

    Georgia Town Bans Pants That Show Ass!

    No More Exposed Asses!
    Today is gonna b a wild day here at the Dumbass Dome, so I went down stairs and rumaged mtyway around the Dumbass Dungeon and came up with Good Ole Goodern for you today. I'll make an effort to put up a new post later so until then, go out and make it a Dumbass Day!

    I have found a town where I would like to raise my family should the need arise. Jonesboro, Georgia. Why? Because of its Southern charm? no. The laid back life in Jonesboro? Nope. Its proximity to Atlanta? Never been to Hotlanta and don't want to go. I love Jonesboro, Georgia because they have done something few cities across this country have the balls to do. They have banned saggy pants!

    This has been a pet peeve of mine for a long time. Our young people today have been exposed to a bunch of punks and dumbasses (I am looking squarely at you, rappers) and their parents have fallen asleep at the wheel when it comes to common sense regarding their kids' choice of wardrobe these days. Dumbasses. Nobody wants to see your ass or drawers in public, ya little goofballs. I mean this ain't young men imitating Elvis or the Beatles by growing sideburns or longer hair. We're talking a public display of rear ends and underwear here. Pull your damn pants up! If you want to show your butts and Fruit of the Looms in public, go to San Francisco. After a couple of days there, you'll buy a chain and a padlock to keep your pants up. Don't believe me? Take a look at what happens at the Folsom Street Fair in San Fransissy. Warning! Not safe for work or Children! Those guys would love to see your ass on public display. I don't.

    I'd like to personally thank the City leaders of Jonesboro for doing what so many Local leaders of cities all over the US are too scared or unwilling to do. Pussies. It's comforting to know that somebody somewhere still cares about decency and good manners and teaching our children that "if it feels good, do it" is a fucked up way to go through life. "But, Toby", you say, "all the other kids do it!". I don't give a shit if the Pope does it, it still ain't right! It doesn't make you look like a tough guy or real cool, it makes you look like a fucking idiot. And for you parents...get a grip on your kids! Bust some ass if you have to, ground them or take away their car keys, whatever it takes to get them to look respectable in public. You are the final arbiter in situations like this. Use some parental authority and use it til the kids puke. They are your responsibility until they turn 18. At 18 if they wanna dress like Kanye West, fine. Until then, tell them to quit dressing like a bunch of dipshit rappers that promote sex like it was chocolate and who denegrate women like they were the King's concubines. Fuck the rappers. Man (or woman) up!

    Dumbasses.

    Wednesday, November 16, 2011

    Man Has No Toilet Paper, Does $2000 Damage to Motel Room

    Motel to the Dumbasses
    You remember those TV commercials for Motel 6 that said "We'll leave the light on for ya"? What a stupid damned campaign. The "leavin' the light on for ya" part is cool. Catchy, memorable and annoying. The part of that ad campaign that bugs me is that the guy who did the voice over for them was from Alaska. Nothing against Alaska, it's a place that has been blessed by Nature way yonder more than many places on Earth. Like New Jersey for instance. But let's be real. First of all, how many Motel 6s are there in Alaska? I'll tell you how many. One. That's only one more than Madagascar for Pete's sake! There four million Motel 6s throughout the rest of the country, why not use a voice over guy from Mississippi? Or North Dakota? Anywhere but Alaska. Or New Jersey. It's a minor thing but it pisses me off. For Motel 6, I'll leave the Dumbass on for ya. Idiots.

    As you may have deduced by now, or maybe not because you are a dumbass, today venture into Dumbassville takes us to a motel. There are no strippers or drugs involved, so this ain't one of those stories.(Dammit) Most of us have stayed in a motel at some point or another, not only because we are cheap bastards, but for convenience. Convenience meaning "close to a liquor store". That aside, we stay at a place like Motel 6 and don't expect five star treatment. You sleep, you shower, you hit the road. Unless you run out of toilet paper. Like Dereck MacDonald. Evidently Dereck had to go Number 2 and discovered he was out of TP. Now, I know this can be a stressful situation, having just pinched a loaf and you have no way to get your ass clean. I think, however, most of us could improvise our way out of this type of thing leaving the head with a clean ass. After all, necessity is the Mother of invention.

    Dereck didn't see things quite that way and he went apeshit (pun intended). He went on a rampage doing over two thousand dollars worth of damage to a $39.99 a night motel room. His ass still dirty, Dereck plugged up the commode, flushed it and a flood that would do Noah proud ensued. Then he proceeded to "redecorated" the like only a man with a doo doo packed ass can do. He might as well shit two grand, because he ain't gonna make it up in jail at 38 cents a day. How the hell difficult would it be to call the front desk and say, "I have a dirty ass and no Charmin, could you please send housekeeping with some? Quilted Northern would be fine as well."" For Dereck, $2000 worth of difficult. What a fucking maroon. Just a quick call and Dereck could have avoided this whole damn mess. The housekeeping people would have been more than happy to take Dereck some John Wayne toilet paper. John Wayne TP? It's rougher than hell and don't take any shit.

    Dirty ass and two large worth of damage and soon Dereck won't need toilet paper. His ass will be cleaned by our adopted felon, Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams. I don't think Dereck will ever bitch about TP again. But then again he is a .......

    Dumbass.

    Tuesday, November 15, 2011

    USF Star Wars Statues - 10 Grand; Students - Goose Egg

    Economically, this country is in pretty rough shape. Officially the unemployment rate is about 9%. If you count the people who have given up on finding a job, the rate is about 16%. That ain't good. What's worse is that our elected dumbasses continue to spend like a stripper on a three day meth binge. Some of you may consider that statement as a comparison between the US Congress and meth addled "exotic dancers". You are entirely correct and I'd like to apologize to all speed freak strippers across this great land of ours. My point is that in such troubling financial times, we should all be extremely careful how we spend our hard earned money. This goes exponentially for Congress. We didn't get to be $14 trillion (that's a 1000  billion times fourteen, folks), by pinching pennies but that's another story for another day.
    The Dumbass Chancellor
    It appears that the regional Chancellor of the University of South Flo rida Polytechnic, from here on referred to as USF Tech, didn't get the memo. This is an educated, presumably in public schools, man who has more than one taco missing from the ole Taco Bell Shitload of Tacos meal. This dumbass took $10,000 dollars from the school's general funds and spent it on...wait...for...it..Star Wars statues to be erected on campus! And a statue of E.T. And a replica of the chair that Captain Kirk sat in on Star Trek. I think that this dumbass was Lost in Space (I made a funny) at some point in his life and has never returned to Earth. Or reality. Why would a college Chancellor spend ten large i such a frivolous manor? Besides being a dumbass without a clue, he wanted to "encourage inspiration beyond conventional thought for business students". That's a quote straight from the UPI story I got the idea for this post from. I think this particular meth head guy has been buying some bad shit from the local strippers. It's not like there is some impoverished young person could use ten grand for an education or something.

    Florida Lawmakers Pissed
    Long story short, a couple of Republican state lawmakers are pissed and Chancellor Chewbaca is is deep doo doo. As it should be. BTW, no Democrat state rep came forward to condemn this blatant misuse of university funds. They were evidently hoping the Chancellor had a couple thousand extra laying around to build a statue of themselves. Or at least build a dog park named after the elected dumbass where the stench would remind USF Tech students of the smell of a liberal asshole. Hopefully the Chancellor will visit the dog park and step in a steaming pile of liberalism.

    Dumbass.

    Monday, November 14, 2011

    My Plan to End the War on Terror

    Abdul Gets Ready for Romance
    A recent story published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has inadvertently given us the weapon we need to effectively end the war on terror! We, the USA, have spent hundreds of billions of dollars on weapons systems so technologically advanced that we were blinded by the obvious. Animals. Yes, those animals. Let me splain.

    The Splainin' Part

    The JSM released the results of recent study that concluded that men who have sex with animals (yes, those animals) are twice as likely as men who don't boff our furry friends to get penis cancer. Until I read this article, I had never heard of cancer of the weenie. Gazebo cancer, sure, but never cancer of Mr. Willy. The Huffington Post ran the story in more detail, but I don't care about that shit. But I will pull a couple of quotes from it in a bit. First, as you can imagine, I have some questions about this study. Who the hell would even think of doing such a study? Some dumbass Brazilian doctor that's who. Brazilians are sick bastards sure, but a study about slippin' the sausage to cocker spaniels? That's just fucking wrong. In order to conduct this study, Dr. Zequi (the Head Man Fucking Animal Observer) needed funding from somewhere. But from where? Private donations? Taxpayers? Gubmint grants? can and bottle deposits? Inquiring dumbasses want to know dammit! Now to the perhaps the most obvious and important question regarding screwing beasts of burden. Actually, it's a two parted entreaty. Part 1: What in the name of all that is Holy would give somebody the idea to study men critter-boinking aardvarks? Was Dr. Z sound asleep one night and suddenly leap out of bed and shout, "Eureka! For my next project I am going to do a study on human-animal sex and the possibility that it could cause cancer of the schlong!" 
    Part 2: Where did the good doctor find volunteers for this idiocy? San Francisco? Prison? The Home for the Criminally Insane? PETA? It couldn't have been an easy task to find men willing to go through with it. Except in San Francisco.

    Concerned citizens were very active in giving advice to animal pokin' men. Take, for instance, a HuffPo reader that is all about mad monkey sex...literally. Here's a portion of his email to HuffnPuff  "A member of a pro-zoophilia group told The Huffington Post by email that the results of the study should prompt people to take precautions, like using a condom, when having sex with animals. She added that it was unlikely to deter diehard zoophiles. "They might become more cautious," said Sallie Graves, "but they wouldn't change their nature." That's your typical PuffHo patron right there, folks. I would throw caution into the wind and bet a dollar to a donut that this particular emailer will not be voting Republican in the next presidential election. I have a real good joke to insert here but it's pretty out there, so I'll just give you a hint about it instead. Zoophilia, Obama, the First Wookie. I'm just sayin'.

    War on Terror

    I started this post off with a deal to end the war on terror. I have expertly lead you this far to get the answer with my unassailable logic and reasoning and because you are dumbass enough to read this far. Anyway...Through anecdotal evidence, we have learned that terrorists are very "friendly" with their farm animals. I have actually seen a video from an American fighter jet on a sortee to bomb the shit out of the bad guys one night and through their FLIR (Forward Looking Infrared Radar) camera they caught a bad guy getting penis cancer from a donkey! If you know what I mean and I think you do. So the end of the War on Terror would come about in no time if we just dropped millions of packets of Viagra to the Splodey Dopes. They take the tool hardener and all of the sudden old Bessie the milk cow is lookin' pretty. Damn. Good. A romantic evening ensues, the dirty deed is dine and the dumbass bad guy has dick cancer! Soon, his willie will fall off, he'll die a slow, painful, miserable death and Satan will welcome him to his 72 raisins virgins. Is that a brilliant plan or what?

    There is one slight problem with my plan to win the War on Terror, however. A survey of horny Iranian men concluded that out of every ten, only two preferred women. Camels beware!

    Dumbasses.

    Sunday, November 13, 2011

    Dumbass Stranded on Island; Does Not Use Cell Phone to Call for Help!

    Useless in the Hands of a Dumbass
    Today I have another good ole goodern for you to marvel at. I have posted this a couple of times and it always gets a great response, so I figured since it's been a while since the last time it was posted, that our flood of new readers might get a kick out of it. You regular Dumbasses will enjoy getting yet another laugh out of my unmatched wit, brilliant satire and comedic writing talents. Or you just might need to kill a few minutes.

    If you were stranded on some deserted island after a boating mishap (cue Gilliagan's Island theme song), faced with a situation that could possibly end up with you being injured or even dead, what would you do? I don't about you, but I am trying like hell to get myself noticed. I might light a fire or use rocks to "print" a message on the beach or any number of other things that would send out a call for help to get my dumb white ass off the damned island! What of you were faced with the same predicament and you had a cell phone and a good enough signal to use it? Speaking solely for myself here, I am calling 911 or Pizza Hut. That's just the way I roll.

    There's this dumbass in California who faced the exact circumstances I outlined in scenario number two. This dipshit was the victim of a one man Gilligan's Island-type event. He was, like Gilligan and the rest of the castaways, stranded on a deserted island off the California coast. He was marooned when the inflatable raft he was in sprung a leak. He managed to get to the island safely before he was lost at sea. That's something that could happen to anybody, so you can't call the guy a dumbass just for that. However, this dumb fuck, unlike Gilligan and the gang, had a cell phone and access to a cell phone tower and he refused to use it! Why in the name of all that is Holy would he not used his damned cell phone??!! Wait. For. It. Because he was too embarrassed! I am not making this up. His name is Brian "Goat Man" Hopper. I ain't makin' that up either. Because Goat Man is a complete idiot and dumbass, he spent five days on this island living off of vitamins and plants native to the island. This brings up another important question. What kind of sub-moronic dumbass wakes up and says to himself, "Today I think I'll take my inflatable raft out on the Pacific Ocean for a little ride, but I dare not forget my vitamins!" Goat Man did not say, "I'd better take some water and maybe a sandwich in case something were to awry." He took his frakkin' Flintstones vitamins! I made up the part about the Flintstones vitamins. He prolly took his One-a-Day for Dumbasses instead.

    On Day 5 of his "three hour tour", Goat Man got hungry enough to call his cousin who then notified the authorities. In a rare moment of lucidity after his rescue, Goat Man said, "I was embarrassed to be stranded on an island," Hopper said. "I thought I could fix my boat and make it to land ... I didn't want to spend the taxpayers' money to have the Coast Guard come rescue some stupid guy." Hammer meet head of nail. Goat Man also had this to say, Hopper said he now admits he should have called 911 in the first place. "It was the right thing to do," he said. Ya think?

    Thank goodness, Goat Man is alive and well, but I have another question. What if Goat Man were stranded on that island with Jessica Alba and they thought they were doomed to die? Would he try to "get some"? Naaah. That ignorant bastard would say he was saving himself for marriage. Dumbass.

    Also Useless in the Hands of a Dumbass

    Saturday, November 12, 2011

    A Handicapped Dumbass Week in Review!

    Dumbass Smith & Wesson
    It's been quite an eventful week, even more eventful than "normal", here at Dumbass News. I have already broken "the news" to my Facebook amigos, so I guess it's time to let the cat out of the bag here. Due to some debilitating dumbass health reasons and old age, but mostly debilitating dumbass health reasons, I am now Officially Retired. My doctor told me that going back to work is not an option now, so at this point  all I have is you, my fellow dumbasses. <sniffle> Thanks for being there for me...assclowns. (I say that with love.) I have already reaped one of the rewards of being put out to pasture, and that is that little blue and white "handicapped" placard you hang off your rear view mirror in your car. Now I can park in one of those special handicapped spaces at those lunatic asylums like Sam's Club and WalMart. This is where I extract my revenge for all the years of some dipshit zipping in front of me to get a parking spot close to the store. Vengeance is mine, bitches! With Christmas shopping season almost upon us, I am gonna keep a running total, by stamping a Dumbass Caricature  on the driver's side door (like those old WWII fighter planes) of how many assholes I can piss off when I park in the Old Farts Spot while they aimlessly search the parking lot for a space somewhere in the same zip code as the store! bwahahahahahaha!!! I should get plenty of material for the blog at the same time. Christmas shopping dumbasses.

    Soooooooo without further ado (whatever the hell that means), let's take a look at this week's Dumbass Highlights! We had another stellar week with stories from dumbasses that even surprise me. In case you missed 'em, here they are again:
    • Legal Nekkididity in San Francissy! - Yes, friends, you can now visit the Bay Area and observe homos prancing about while they are nekkid as a jay bird. I know that's always been on my bucket list. I was in SF one time, got off my plane and saw two Oriental homos driving one of those souped up golf cart baggage carrying things and they had tongues flyin' around like electrons on a uranium atom. I puked. Then I went to the airport bar and got drunk...with my ex-wife! (that's a Dunmbass News story in and of itself) I kid you not. Now you see why San Fran holds some very "special" memories for me. That was one of the best hurl sessions I've ever had - a real Hall of Famer.
    • Inmate Sues Prison Over Soy! - This dumbass is in the joint until Michael Moore slims down to 185 pounds. That's a long time. So he's suing the Big House because they use soy in much of their food. He's got a weak stomach or some shit. Pussy. If KI were him, soy would be the last thing on my mind while I was in prison, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Two words you felonious nimrod - bung hole. I'm just sayin'.
    • Too Much Cussin' & Dumbass Newspaper Headlines - My Mom says that I need to cut back on the "colorful metaphors" in my posts. I offer my counter point to that suggestion with some well thought out and reasoned bullshit arguments otherwise. My Mom called me after she read my reply and now I have to stand in the corner for 15 minutes a day for a week. Gee thanks, Mom. The other half of this post is the rock 'em, sock 'em world of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines! Excuse me, I still have 4 minutes left in my appointment with the corner.
    • Veterans Day; Not a Dumbass in the House: This is a rare bear here on the pages of Dumbass News. A serious post. In thanking the Armed Forces personnel who are now serving our country, I thought a quick look at how Veterans Day got started would be kinda cool. It is.
    Thanks are in order for you, my kindred spirit of a dumbass, for making this probably the best week (visitor-wise) that the blog has ever had. I am as grateful as a dumbass could be. Now get to fuckin' reading and be sure to invite your friends to come be in awe of the monumental brilliance that graces these pages. Don't be shy...leave a comment. I know your keyboard doesn't have a crayon font, so do your best.

    Dumbasses.

    Friday, November 11, 2011

    Veterans Day: Not a Dumbass in the House

    God Bless Our Veterans
    Happy Veterans Day for those of you in the United States! It was on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month in 1918 that the end of World War I was officially declared. At that time and for 36 more years, this date was known as Armistice Day, a day honoring World War I veterans. It wasn't until 1954 when President Eisenhower signed into law the bill that would make November 11 Veterans Day, that we honor all veterans in the United States on November 11.How did Armistice Day morph into Veterans Day?

    The idea of Veterans Day came from an unlikely source - a shoe store owner in Emporia, Kansas. In 1953, shoe store owner Alfred King believed that November 11 should honor all veterans in the United States, not only those who served in World War I. Wikipedia picks up the story from there : "King had been actively involved with the American War Dads during World War II. He began a campaign to turn Armistice Day into "All" Veterans Day. The Emporia Chamber of Commerce took up the cause after determining that 90% of Emporia merchants as well as the Board of Education supported closing their doors on November 11 to honor veterans. With the help of then-U.S. Rep. Ed Rees, also from Emporia, a bill for the holiday was pushed through Congress. President Dwight Eisenhower signed it into law on May 26, 1954."

    A lone voice in the Heartland of the United States was heard loud and clear in the Halls of Congress, and thanks to Alfred King, shoe store owner, we now celebrate the service to our country by roughly 25,000,000 veterans from all wars throughout the Fruited Plain each November 11.

    God bless Alfred King, God bless our Veterans and God bless the United States of America.

    Thursday, November 10, 2011

    Too Much Cussin' & Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

    No shit?
    I was sitting, taking it easy and wondering about what would make an easy interesting post for today. Then, all of the sudden, out of the blue I thought of something! But Mad Monkey Sex and kitchen utensils, while quite an interesting topic, would not go over well with my Mom. She's already told me that I need to cut back on my "colorful" language. I am trying to do so, but little salty bits of the "vernacular" sometimes make a point more emphatically. For instance, which of the two following statements is more attention-getting? 
    • Statement 1) Those gosh darn Occupy Wall Street protestors are sure an excitable bunch of young people, aren't they?   OR
    • Statement 2) Those fucking dirty assmaggots are one big steaming pile of rancid pig shit piled on top of Rosie O'Donnell, ain't they?
    Any dumbass worth his rodeo warm Pabst Blue Ribbon salt would use Statement 2. Can't you just feel the anger in those words? The second one is not only very effective in letting the reader feel the speaker's anger, but importantly, it's more effective because it's true! So, while I may cut back on the use of nasty words for my Mom, I am still gonna call a douchebag a douchebag. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!

    I started out prepared to write a post on Dumbass Newspaper Headlines, and as you can see, I went off on the syphilis-infected dickweeds of OWS. But it is never  too late for DNH! As is the custom, I'll write word for word the dumbass headlines actually found on newspapers large and small from all over the good ole USA, followed by my commentary on each one. Let's rock!.


    Porn case has holes, lawyer says - Ya think?! Porn cases have more holes than ObamaCare. But, the holes in porn are much easier to plug up.

    The bra celebrates two milestones this year Here I thought that bras had been holding up sweater puppies for many decades. And they are still a pain in the ass to undo. At least that's what I am told.

    Rally against apathy draws small crowd - I don't care.

    Male student finds happiness living among women - I'll bet he does. Lucky bastard. I do, however, believe that a large sub group of women going through PMS at the same time is a motherfucker. I'm just sayin'.

    And finally:

    Seeing worm in bowel movement bad way to start day - It's odd that this headline comes up just in time for this post. I was sayin' to my wife just the other day, "Honey, I wish I could take a shit and find it loaded with some big, fat worms because I need to go fishin' " (<------ that's satire by the way)

    It appears to me that our unemployment rate would drastically decline if only we could get some competent headline editors at news rags all over the damn country.

    Dumases. Er, uh  dummasces. Dumbasses.








    Wednesday, November 9, 2011

    Inmate Sues Prisons Over Soy!

    Lesbians, Dumbasses & $14 Million a Year
    While am still dealing with my sudden retirement, I thought that writing a good ole Dumbass News story would do me okie dokie.. It always picks me up when I see some dumb bastard whose life is worse than mine. A thought just came to me this very second. This blog is the Jerry Springer Show of the intertubes. Minus the $14 million annual salary. And the lesbians. I need to find a dumbass item featuring lesbians. I like lesbians. As a matter of fact, one of the most beautiful women I know is a lesbian. Well, she switch hits, does that count? Regardless, she is a wonderful human being and I love her dearly.

    Once again Florida makes the Dumbass News. I keep tellin' 'em down there to pass a law banning the people from New Jersey living in the state. But do they listen to me? Hell. No. In a bit of a dumbass twist, our dumbass today is a lifetime guest the Florida Department of Corrections. I won't mention what he's in for, but if you knew you'd wanna cut off his gazebos with a dull, rusty butter knife. Also, his crime is not pertinent to the story. To briefly recap: I like lesbians. Jerry Springer makes $14 really big ones a year, too many people from Jersey live in the F-L-A and our dumbass today is a lifer in the Florida DOC.

    The dumbass's complaint with the FDOC is the food the prison serves the inmates. Well, that and he plays Hide the Salami every time he takes a shower. I can't blame him there. His bitch with the food in prison is soy. Soy this, soy that, soy the other thing. So what does this blight on society and prison party boy do? He sues the Florida Department of Corrections! Copied and pasted straight from the UPI Wire Service: " inmate Eric Harris, 34, claims the processed and blended soy foods being served to inmates have caused him painful gastrointestinal cramping and threaten the health of his thyroid and immune systems, which he says constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, The Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel reported Sunday".Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me? I don't know about you, but if I'm a lifer for what this guy's in for, soy is the least of my worries. I'm thinking that guys Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams (our adopted felon here at Dumbass News) might get a little "frisky" for a new prison bitch and wanna play "house". My advice to this low life is to do everything possible that would keep him from changing his name from "Eric" to "Erica". If you know what I mean and I think you do. One more thing, Eric, stuff the soy up your poop chute.

    Pond scum, egg suckin' dumbass.

    Tuesday, November 8, 2011

    Dumbass Falls Asleep in Port-o-Potty, Gets Locked In!

    Hobo Hotel
    I went to the doctor yesterday and got some not-so-good news. It's not that bad. I ain't gonna die. Dumbass. Doctor B did tell me, however, that due to some health concerns I can not go back to work at a "normal" job until I hit the Big Dumbass House in the Sky. So, you are stuck with me. bwahahahahaha! That means that this blog is the only source of income I have. You know what that means? It means that you need to hit the "Donate" button on the top right of the page. If only the longtime readers of Dumbass News gave $5 a month, that would be of tremendous help. Remember, I have two little girls (4 & 9) and a wife to support. I am a little bummed out, but when dealt lemons, make lemonade. And you dumbasses are my lemonade. (I am fucked) Thanks, y'all. I ask not for your sympathy, just your money.

    I am actually writing this on Monday night because this whole mess still hasn't soaked in yet. After 40+ years of working my ass off....just hit the damn "Donate" button. Dumbass. And I say that with love. Here's the good stuff:

    In late September, I wrote about a guy who got his jollies by diving for doo doo. At the time, I was certain that we would not encounter another story having to do with port-a-potties for quite a while. What the hell was I thinking? Along comes this dumbass in New Jersey to prove me wrong.

    Here's the poop, I mean scoop. Unlike the doo doo diver guy who was sober as a judge, this time our dumbass was lit like the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. From what I can gather, the 61 year old dumbass in today's story was simply using the port-a-potty to take a leak and somehow got locked in the toilet. He said he tried banging on the john's door and screaming real loud, but there was no response to his plea for help. So, like any drunk worth his weight in Budweiser, the dumbass went to sleep in the port-a-potty. How a guy could sleep in a portable can is beyond me, but this guy must have been really plastered. When he woke up he again began to make a lot of noise, which is what all New Jersey drunks do after they spend the night in a port-o-let. After all, the liquor stores open at 9am and this dumbass was thirsty for breakfast and in a large hurry. As a former Professional Drinker, I can relate to his wanting to get to the beer store, but I fail to muster up any sympathy for doing something as dumbass as passing out in a portable john, when I'm sure there are plenty of perfectly good bridges nearby that would make swell places to sleep...if you're a drunk dumbass.

    Even though he was late getting to the beer store, our dumbass, whose name was not released (no shit?), was finally freed  from his Port-a-Prison, then taken to a local hospital where he was deemed OK to return to being a Dumbass Wino. A spokesdumbass for the township told the press, "No one has ever heard of anything like this happening here." Who the hell does he think he's fooling with that bullshit? This New Jersey for God's sake and you guys call incidents like this one, Friday night!

    This story does have a valuable lesson for us all. Let's hear it straight from the mouth of police Lt. Christopher Brignola, "We are instructing our employees that from now on they are supposed to open the door and look inside before padlocking it." Be sure to knock first. You never know when you'll intrude on a sleeping dumbass in a portable toilet.

    Dumbass.

    Monday, November 7, 2011

    Legal Public Nekkididity in San Francissy!

    Biff, Lance & "Friends"
    Holy Toledo! Today's story is one of that after you've read it, you ask yourself "What the hell?". In state of shock and utter disbelief, you read it again. Then it hits you. These dumbasses ain't kiddin'! Let me splain.

    The Splaination

    Let me recap the story, then I'll blast away with both keyboards in showing what a bunch of dumbasses and Godless homos (no offense to God-loving homos) run the city of, what else, San Francisco! Now it all comes into focus.

    The City Fathers of San Francissy have approved an ordinance that will allow the nekkidists and homos to galavant all around one of the most beautiful cities in the world without a stitch of clothing on their Godless dumbass and homo bodies! Nekkid! El nude-o! In the raw! For all the world to see! First off, let me state that I have nothing against Godless dumbasses and homos. They can use cucumbers, spatulas and gerbils any way they choose as long as it is between two, or twenty, consenting adults and behind closed doors or in a homo disco. Hell, I have had Godless dumbass and homo friends before. Maybe even some Godless homo friends.

    Where was I? Oh, yeah...the S.F. Board of Supervisors approve this "Git Nekkid" bill where people can go nekkid as a jay bird in public! I am about to ruin your appetite for the day, so brace yourself for some actual Godless dumbass and homo nekkidness. WARNING: What you are to see actually took place in San Francisco. It is sexually graphic and definitely NSFW and it damn sure ain't safe for kids! You have been warned! A well-known blogger and photo essayist named Zombie works "under cover" in the Bay Area and filed this post of a homo event called the Folsom Street Fair. Lemme warn you one more time before you click on the link, this material is extremely graphic and of a sexual nature. Courtesy of zombietime.com.... the Folsom Street Fair. Is that some sick shit or what? If you can stomach looking at a lot of those photos, you'll see cops just standing around while all this perversion goes on right in front of them! And the SF Board of Godless Dumbasses and Homos wants to let any Biff or Lance run around nekkid all over the city? What could possibly go wrong? We are doomed, fellow dumbasses.

    There is a bit, nay (!), a truckload of irony in this story. I swear in the name of All That is Holy, I. Am. Not. Making. This. Up. This particular nekkid ordinance was introduced by Board member, get....ready....for....it....Scott Wiener! bwahahahahaha!!! Is that a swift kick in the gazebos or what? By introducing this bill, we know that Wiener is a Godless dumbass, I wonder if he's a homo, too? Just askin'. I'm just glad that they don't have a guy named Schitz on the Board of Supervisors.

    What can I fucking say? (sigh)

    Dumbasses.

    And homos.

    Sunday, November 6, 2011

    Nekkididity, Dead Guy Dots the "I" and Mice-a-Roni!

    Mice-a-Roni
    'Tis the Sabbath and it's gonna be a busy one here at the Dumbass Dome. Believe it or not, I am gonna do some gardening, indoors of course. For new readers, I live in Maine therefore November is not the best time to grow shit. Being the mule headed sumbitch I am, I like to try to do shit under adverse conditions just to see if I can make it work. I will make it work. Hence, gardening in November in Maine. I will prolly plant some cool weather stuff like lettuce. I would try to grow some warm weather crops, but my wife is a native Mainer and likes the house kept colder than a well digger's ass in January. Adios good stuff like tomatoes and peppers until spring time. Asi es la vida.

    Here is some stuff that doesn't require heat, but it is loaded with fertilizer bullshit.
    • College Golf Team Poses for Nekkid Calendar - These dumbasses posed nekkid for the calendar, but they hid their gazebos with golf clubs. It's funny stuff, so it's worth the read just to see how many golfing metaphors I can use in lieu of cuss words.
    • Dead Guy Dots the Eye - This is a rather timely story, it being football season and all. This is the tale of a dead guy that pays his last respects to the Ohio State University by dotting the "i". Read it to see what I mean.
    • Mice-a-Roni! - Thank God this story wasn't about Hamburger Helper. 
    That's a pretty good lineup for perusal during beer commercials for the NFL games being broadcast today, especially the "Dead Guy "I" dotter.

    Here's something that I should do every day, but I am a Dumbass and for whatever reason(s),  just forget to do it. In the side bar to the right you'll find several buttons where you can follow me on several social media sites. Please do so! Don't forget that I am a 55 year old guy who has 9 and 4 year old daughters who need something new, like shoes, clothes and all that shit, every 10 minutes. Well...it seems like every 10 minutes. And Christmas isn't that far away. Having said that, also in right sidebar you'll see a "Donate" button. I know times are tough for so many dumbasses worried about their own families, but if you can donate a dollar or two (any amount is welcome), it would make a Middle Aged Dumbass very happy and grateful. I guess I could use the direct approach to this donation thing as well. Hit the fucking tip jar, Dumbass!  :)

    Saturday, November 5, 2011

    Climate Change, Beer, Pot , Dumbass Brit and Pig Sooey All in One Post!

    New Reader from Arkansas
    Thank you Dumbasses in 117 countries around the world for making the last two weeks the best ever for Dumbass News! I truly believe that because you are a tasteless bastard living in your mother's basement, or you are a fucking alcohol addled hobo getting free wifi from the library located near your cardboard box "shelter", it is you that has put this blog in its current bottom feeding almost lofty status. Then again, it is my brilliant, incisive observations, or as my late Dad used to say, bullshit, that brings us all together. On the hand, your continued support has proven to me that you are an honest-to-God mentally defective degenerate. I say that with love, so hit the fucking Tip Jar (the "Donate" button) in the top right sidebar. I need the money. Shoot me some cheese dammit.

    Enough with the touchy, feely shit. Let's get down to bidness.

    Bidness

    As usual for a weekend, here are some oldies but goodies that you or, more likely, the thousands of new Dumbasses that haven't had a chance to read, in which case you either can't read or you are too lazy to find the stories on your own.

    One more thing...here's a Special Dumbass Shout Out to Brenda somewhere in Arkansas. She and I had a nice email exchange regarding a question about one of my posts. Judging by the way Brenda writes and some of the things she wrote in our email conversation, she is definitely Dumbass Worthy. Ooooooooooooooooooooooo pig sooey!!!!!!!

    Dumbass.

    Friday, November 4, 2011

    A Saved Penis and $63,000

    This was originally posted on May 21, 2011. It's still damn funny and quite educational.
     
    Marriage is a Sacrament  that bonds a man and a woman together forever, in body and in spirit, a union that is Holy as ordained by God. Getting to the alter sometimes proves, shall we say, to be problematic. Especially if the dumbass groom has a bachelor party and he bumps uglies with a woman he met there. It's even worse when the bride-to-be finds out about the groom-to-be's "indiscretion". And to make matters even worse, if that's possible at this point, the jilted woman is an attorney. Complicating things even more is the fact that the dumbass groom-to-be is a lawyer, too!

    The Mrs. Dumbass-to-be was scorned and hell hath no fury and all that. It goes without saying that Mrs. Almost a Dumbass called off the wedding because the groom couldn't keep his thang in his pants. Now the spurned bride has filed a lawsuit against the dumbass groom to the tune of 63 Large. From the UPI story we find out, "The suit, which alleges breach of the promise to marry and intentional infliction of emotional distress, is seeking reimbursement totaling $62,814 for expenses including the wedding dress, bridesmaid's dresses, wedding invitations, a band reservation and non-refundable plane tickets and hotel reservations for a honeymoon in Bora Bora." What the hell was this dumbass thinking? Bumping uglies with some chick at your bachelor party is about as dumbass as a groom-to-be can get. It also tends to piss off the bride. And that ain't good. Especially when she's a lawyer. By the way, the boinkee in this saga said she had no idea that the dumbass was involved with anyone. I guess the fact that it was a bachelor party and that there was a wedding coming up was a little above this broad's head. Dumbass.

    I have absolutely no sympathy for the dumbass groom. He's an idjit. Dude, if you're gonna nail some broad at your own bachelor party, make sure she's a stripper or something, and the boinking is cheap and superficial at best. However, the sure fire way to avoid a situation like this is to keep your penis in your pants! The penis, and $63,000 you save may be your own. 
     
    Dumbass.

    Thursday, November 3, 2011

    This Dumbass is a Real Swinger!

    Dumbass Trap
    I don't know about you, but when I hear of a twenty-one year old man being a swinger, I tend to think of a Playboy-type guy. You know, always on the prowl for some, shall we say, "strange". we all know the types - Charlie Sheen, for instance. Good ole Carlos is  a swinger personified. Not that that's a good thing, that's just way it is. For those of you who don't live in the USA, google "Charlie Sheen". You'll be entertained, or sick to your stomach, for hours on end. What fun! I'm not here to tell you about Charlie Sheen, even this blog has standards - as low as they may be. Let me splain.


    I Splain Here

    Speaking of California....Vallejo, to be exact, is our destination and the home of a real swinger. Did I mention that this guy is a dumbass also? I didn't? This guy is a dumbass. Our twenty-one year old dumbass and some of his dumbass buddies were hanging around a park when one of them got a brilliant idea. His scheme? To bet our dumbass a c-note, a Ben Franklin, ah hell, a hundred bucks that he (the dumbass) couldn't fit into one of the kiddie swings. having apparently sniffed too much model airplane glue and hanging around Occupy Wall Street gatherings, the dumbass says, "OK". What could possibly go wrong?

    Let me tell you what could, and did, go wrong. The dumbass somehow got hold of some  liquid laundry soap and greased up his legs for much needed lubrication in order to fit into the kiddie swing. I'll be damned if he didn't fit into the swing! One problem though. He could not get out! But wait there's more! Care to hazard a guess as to what that would be? Yep. You got it. His friends left the poor bastard stuck in the kiddie swing at the park! Now, this is not the Christian thing to do, but for dumbasses, this is the perfect thing to do. bwahahahaha Too damn funny. It gets even better! The poor dumbass sumbitch was in that kiddie swing all night long - more than nine hours. The next morning, somebody called the cops, who in turn called the Fire Department to rescue the shit-for-brains. I just knew nothing good would come of this, especially if you are the dumbass in question. For the rest of mankind this is funnier than a green turd in a punch bowl.

    My Advice to the Dumbass

    First off, I'd go purchase a decent .12 gauge shotgun and some #6 shells. After buying the scatter gun and ammo, open up the shells, dump out all the little bb's and replace them with rock salt. Second, round up the three other guys who left you hanging out to dry and have them over for a beer. Third, tell them that they have exactly three seconds to run as far as they can before you turn Clint Eastwood on their sorry asses. Fourth, load up each of their rear ends with as much rock salt as time and distance permit. They will remember you for a long time to come. Fifth, drink all the beer that they brought over as a peace offering. Sixth, Sweet Revenge.

    The next time you idiots (the dumbass & friends) want to piss away 100 bucks, click on the little radio button located at the top right side of this page (it says "Donate" on it), click it and follow the prompts. I'll be glad to take it off your hands. No laundry soap required.

    Dumbasses.
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