Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: January 2012 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Couple Attempts to Set Car Ablaze! With a Flaming Tampon!

The Tool of a Would-be Arsonist
From the "Just When You Think Things Couldn't Get Weirder But They Do Department". 

There has been some really strange stuff posted on Dumbass News over the life of the blog, and just when you think it'll be a while before you see anything more stoopid than what's already been posted, a dumbass from somewhere in the world will do something that leaves you in disbelief. 

Think about it. Just yesterday I wrote a story about a Los Angeles cop who appeared in a porn movie. While on duty and in uniform! At the time I thought "This is gonna be tough to top. I may be waiting for months before a story this good comes along again." I was wrong. It took a whole day for it to happen. A whole stinkin' twenty four hours!

Add to the cop in the XXX movie stories about a guy who doo doo dives in port-o-potties, a drunk female dumbass who attacked a cop with a sex toy and a mailman who wanted to cheer a young lady up by delivering her mail while neekid and you barely scratch the surface of the dumbassery that has appeared on these pixels.

Dumbass of the Year for 2012 Leader in the Clubhouse

As a former Professional Drinker, I can tell you with great certainty that booze can make people do some stoopid shit. I have done some of it myself and I have witnessed enough drunken dumbassery to write a dozen books. You gotta trust me on this one. :)

Case in point: two young dumbasses in Pennsylvania got into some sort of bullshit with a friend of theirs on Facebook. Upon determining that the girl in this pair had been wronged in some way by the Facebook Guy, our Dynamic Duo of Dumbasses decided that some sort of retribution for this perceived offense was in order for Facebook Guy. So they went looking for him. And found him. At a bar. What could possibly go wrong? Weeeeelllll, let me tell you...

After imbibing several adult beverages each, Patricia and Quentin (the 2 dumbasses) came up with a dandy plan to exact their revenge on Facebook Guy. They decided to vandalize his car. Nothing new there. This kind of thing happens all the time. But! It's not the fact that Pat and Quentin wanted to trash Facebook Guy's car, it's how they went about doing it that shoots this story straight into the Dumbass Stratosphere. 

After busting out all the windows, the couple then managed to get the hood on FB Guy's ride opened and began ripping out wires and cables and all kinds of other car parts necessary to the proper operation of an internal combustion engine. At this point the car is of course disabled and thoroughly beat to shit. It is at this juncture that P & Q figured that the car (and Facebook Guy) had not suffered enough. Enter one of the best displays of dumbassery in the history of mankind. Patricia, being a young woman and all, somehow came up with a tampon. And what better way for a drunk, mentally unstable young woman bent on revenge to use a tampon than to set it aflame and try to stuff it down the oil spout on the motor of Facebook Guy's car hoping to blow it to Kingdom Come! This sheer Dumbass Genius! Except for one thing.

The One Thing

Now, this is where alcohol comes into play. While firing up the tampon to use as a way to set the car on fire was a brilliant idea, putting it down the oil spout wasn't such a bright thing to do. In my humble opinion as a guy who has started many fires in unorthodox ways, I believe our two dumbasses would have been far more successful had they 1) been sober and 2) inserted the flaming tampon into the gas tank. Sure oil will ignite when exposed to a flame, but it's nowhere near as combustible as a tank full of 92 octane gasoline. Why do you think there's a law against smoking while fueling up your car? That's right. One tiny spark could very easily lead to one big BOOM!

Despite overlooking the difference in the volatility of motor oil versus gasoline, I commend these two mental midgets on a job almost well done. Well done just like they would have been had they not been too inebriated to do the job right! Drunk, stoopid and BBQ'ed is no way to go through life, you two. Still, I am awestruck at the virtuosity of the "Old Flaming Tampon to Blow Up Facebook Guy's Automobile Trick." Pure Mozart, I tell you. A masterpiece of unbridled dumbassery.

Flaming Tampons. Sounds like a punk rock band, doesn't it?


Monday, January 30, 2012

L A Fuzz Appear in X-Rated Movie! (While in {out of?} Uniform!)

Actual Police Porn; The Dangler Perhaps?
Right or wrong we, the general public, tend to hold folks who work in a public capacity to a higher standard when it comes to doing his/her job. This group includes everyone from the waitress at the local diner to the dumbasses we elect as our representatives to the Federal Gubmint. While this is not a bad thing, many times we forget how difficult it is to perform the duties of said occupation. Have you ever waited tables? I can tell you from personal experience that dealing with hungry people each day is, at best, a challenge. Special orders, substitutions, drink refills, being nice to not so nice customers and going to work when you feel like you've been run over by a Mack truck are just a few things that servers face every day they show up to work. Hell, it makes being a CongressDumbass look like a walk in the park. Seriously. But the pay and the bribes are far less lucrative. It's a tough job.

Now take all that I just posted up there^^^^ and multiply it by a million. Then you have the job degree of difficulty for a Public Servant like a policeman. Being a cop is an often thankless line of work with not so many perks, except for a free cup of coffee now and then, and the occasional role in a porn flick. Whaaaaaaaaatttttt?????????

Show Me Your Nightstick, Officer

John Dancler was a cop in LA. Until he was fired. For appearing in a porn movie! In uniform! Wait a minute, you ain't heard nothin' yet. What could be worse than a cop in his official LA Fuzz garb in a porn video? A cop in his official LA Fuzz garb in a porn video while on duty, that's what! Holy three way traffic stop, Batman! John is no longer one of LA's Finest, by the way. I guess the Civil Service Honchos in Tinseltown have no sense of humor. Geeeezzz. Dumbasses.

John "The Dangler" Dancler was stunned, stunned I tell you (!), to learn of his dismissal for such a petty reason. Granted, the LAPD has rules and regulations to be followed, but aren't those restricted to more serious matters like singling out an individual or group because of their race or something similar? Is there a clause in the "Things Not to Do" section of the LAPD Employees Manual that says an on duty officer can't appear in a porn flick? These are questions that demand answers! At least that's what 'The Dangler's" lawyer is saying.

Vampire Goes to Bat for The Dangler

Bobby Samini, the cop's attorney, went before the Los Angeles Civil Service Commission to argue that his client's firing was "unwarranted" and that The Dangler was a "convenient scapegoat" in the case. Lemme get this straight. LA cop is on duty. Check. "On duty" means the cop was in uniform, or out of uniform in this instance, right? Check. He abandoned his official obligations as a sworn Officer of the Law to show and presumably use his "automatic weapon" in an X-rated video, correct? Check. Well alrighty then! Nothing to see here. Move along, folks.

I understand that being a Police Officer is one of, if not the, toughest civilian jobs in the world. So it is equally understandable that such a high pressure work environment necessitates a little "stress relief" once in a while. The Dangler was doing just that when he was porking a few crack addict sluts up the poop chute in a little fuck flick, relieving stress.

Video This, Bitches!

It is my considered Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Opinion that John Dancler should not only be fired, but tried and if convicted, be sent to San Quentin, Twinkletoes Unit, where he'll be indoctrinated into the role of "The Danglee" by some tutti fruiti fella  built like a WWE Rassler with a "baton" instead of a nightstick, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Screw this dumabass. After all he fucked over an entire city.

Denny's is Hiring

John, my man, you betrayed your oath to the people you serve when you whipped it out for your little "stress relief" moment with some skanky HOs.  At that point you became a criminal. A criminal worse than the majority of assholes and creeps you were supposed to protect your community from. And you have the unmitigated gall to demand reinstatement to the position you so willfully deserted while on duty? 
I've got some news for you, pal. The second you even thought about pulling such a stunt, you, in theory at least, forfeited any and all recourse in getting your job back. I am fairly sure that there about six million Angelenos that agree with me.

One more thing, amigo. Tell your lawyer to get a copy of the movie you so graciously consented to do, while on duty of course, and shove it so far up his ass that the Roto Rooter Guy will have to dig it out with a plumber's snake. John Baby, you'd wish it was a plumber's snake going up your anal cavity if true Justice were applied in this circumstance. But it won't be, so consider yourself lucky. Some of the people you busted are making license plates as I type this. Let's just hope for your sake that they A) don't hear about this deal or B) aren't of a vengeful nature. What would Sgt. Joe Friday say? Fuck you and good luck, John. Those are the facts. Just the facts.

By the way, Dangler, I hear Denny's is hiring.

Have a nice day.


Sunday, January 29, 2012

Second Chance Sunday! Dumbass Olympics & A Killer Chihuahua!

I first published this story in July of last year. It was my first post to have been written on Heather's desktop computer. My laptop died at the hands of an evil, vicious, mean, rotten and nasty Force of Nature -- Bailey the 4 Year Old! 

This post also gives me another shot at making fun of Cal-ee-forn-yah, which you all know will be the newest sport in the Dumbass Olympics this summer. There is one difference in the medals for the real Olympics and the Dumbass Olympics. Medals in the real Olympics are made of gold, silver and bronze. Dumbass Olympics medals will be made form old beer cans painted the appropriate color with WalMart spray paint. Yes, Dumbass, we are going all out for this year's Dumbass Olympics. Spare no expense as Dumbasses of the world unite in the Spirit of Competition and Brotherhood!

R.I.P. Laptop

(Dateline - Deep in the Bowels of Heather's Keyboard) My 4 year old daughter Bailey has banished me to this foreign land. I am using my wife's computer because Bailey loves Daddy so much she dumped a full bottle of water (16.9 oz) all over my laptop. R. I. P. Laptop. Enough said.

Speaking of chihuahuas (<---clever segue), in Altadena, California, two would-be robbers turned out to be two honest-to-goodness pussies when they tried to rob a local "smoke shop". A "smoke shop" in California is the pseudonym for "Buy Your Bong Here" shop. The two dumbasses were thwarted in their attempted heist by a) a 12 gauge wielding store owner, b) an off duty policeman or c) a man-eating chihuahua. If you said a or b, you are a dumbass. These two pansies were scared off by a fucking dog the size of a large grapefruit! The stotre's video surveillance system " shows the store owner begin to place money into a backpack worn by one of the robbers while his Chihuahua starts barking loudly and forcefully at the men. 

Investigators said the robbers were apparently spooked by the dog and fled the store with less money than they could have obtained from the store owner.

The video depicts the Chihuahua follow the men from the store and chase them down the street." 
Really? A chihuahua? A fucking chihuahua? Will the last real man in The Land of Fruits and Nuts please stand up? Oh, wait, there are none. Forgive me for that slip of the fingers.

When I was a young man, I was not always within the parameters of the law nor decorum. I have been chased by mad husbands, the cops and angry men with guns, but I swear on my Grandma's grave, not once was I EVER chased away from where I shouldn't have been by a chihuahua! But then again, I not from California. 


Saturday, January 28, 2012

My Dumbass Dliemma, The Fwench, Utah Dumbasses & 9-1-1 Dumbassery

I Have Been to the Mountain Top!
Fellow Dumbasses, I need you today like I've never needed you before. I guess that's because I've never needed you before. Literary Brilliance Note: The first two sentences of this post were put there to "hook" you into reading further. That's why it is called a "hook". See? It worked.You're still here, ain't you? Just like a hungry catfish that can't resist that big ass hunk of smelly, juicy chicken live on a 3/0 fishing hook, I have reeled you in. Damn, I'm good!

My Dilemma 

I am facing something that I suppose that every world famous, adualted, idolized two bit blogger like me encounters every once in a while. You see, when you're at the top your blogging game a retired middle aged piss ant "wirier" like me, there will come a time when it's almost impossible to live up stay in the cesspool of daily blogging. Sometimes the Blogging gods look down upon you with pity and bless you with a week's worth of material that is divinely inspired - like last week. The problem is how in the name of all that is Holy do you follow up such sagacity without taking a dramatic plunge back into the depths of internet darkness? That's the difficulty I confronted this week. How could I not crash and burn???!!!

On a Roll

I don't know how it happened but it happened. Another Dumbass Week of outstanding dumbassery inj the shadow of the Dumbassery before it, and I pulled it off with aplomb, never once intimidated by the mission before me. It? "It" is following up last week's masterpieces with equally hypnotic screeds thus preventing that "falling off a cliff" feeling that so often follows such classic works. When you are in the pits, the fall ain't so bad, but when you are at the apex of blogging brilliance as I was last week, the long, frightening descent to oblivion gives one an emotion of desperation exceeded only by the thoughts of the sudden stop at the end of the seemingly never ending dive.

Dumbassery for the Ages

Alas, next week will present me with a whole new set of tribulations to conquer. The coming days can wait, however, as I bask in the warm glow of my achievements of yesterweek.

Speaking of yesterweek, I just happened to have saved for posterity the timeless musings of your Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde with your children and grand children in mind. Some day the little bastiges tykes will grow up and read the heartwarming prose of their ancestors. When that melancholy moment embraces them, a tear will well up in their eyes, memories of long ago suddenly rushing through their minds, an inaudible whisper will caress their lips as it flows to the ears of the Almighty (or one of his sidekicks)....."Damn. Dad sure was a Dumbass." <sniffle>

The Timelessness of Excellence

As type through the mistiness of tears blurring my vision, tearsinspired by the bullshit tenderness, as presented above,of what is yet to come, I impart to you the glue that holds us all together, that all encompassing power that is Dumbassery.
  • Learning from the Fwench - Two words I never thought I'd put in the same sentence. "Learn" and "Fwench". Raise the Fwench National Flag! The solid white one. The end is nigh.Sacre bleu!
  • Utah and Moonbats - Two more words I would have bet my gazebos on that I would never put in the same sentence. "Moonbats" and "Utah". The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are mounting up for a ride.
  • 9-1-1: Hotline to an Ass Kickin' - Hello, Police? Would you be so kind as to stop by my place? I need a good ass kickin'. And a few felonies." The cops are quick to oblige requests like this one. 
I told you. Dumabssery that evokes emotion, thought and projectile puking. 

Adieu, You Cop Fightin' Fwench Cougars and...


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Friday, January 27, 2012

A Hero Dumbass! Really. No Kiddin'.

What you are about to witness on Dumbass News is as about as common around these parts as Satan attending Christmas Mass at the Vatican. Sure we still have a Dumbass to "honor", but today's story is truly about honoring a Dumbass. Sit back and get ready for something that could affect your dumbassery forever. Or not. You'll still get a kick out of it though.

Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2

George Murphy and his wife Dorothea Taylor are your typical really old people. Or so it would seem. George and Dorothea live in a two bedroom igloo in Willow, Alaska. OK, I made the igloo part up. However, like many senior citizens, the Murphys have a dog and he too is as old as dinosaur doo doo. Fellar, the pooch, is twelve years old. That's 84 to you and me. George and Dot have a routine of taking Fellar out for walks, thus assuring that he doesn't do his business on the carpet in their igloo. I made up the igloo part again. But any story based on the nation's largest state wouldn't be complete without an igloo joke or two. And by the way, Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2 explicitly states that using an igloo joke more than twice in the same story is a felony against funnyhood punishable by having one's gazebos placed into a vice to be tightened by Hulk Hogan. As you can see,  is Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2 provides for swift and severe punishment when breached. But I digress.

Let me see, where was I? Oh, yeah. The two old farts were walking their old fart dog. There were doing so near an Anchorage, AK airport when they were readying to head back to their igloo home when the, shall we say "unexpected" happened. Oh hell no! We shall say when a one in a gazillion thing happened.

Willow, AK - Unsafe for Octogenarians (and Old Dogs, Children & Watermelon Wine)

Dot was waiting in the truck for George when she just happened to catch something out of the corner of her eye. George was getting the shit kicked out of him! By a moose!!! A 2000 pound living breathing antler totin' Alaskan moose! This was all it took for Dorothea to leap into action. She got out of the truck like someone stuck a rocket up her ass. This old woman, somebody's grandmother mind you, grabbed a shovel from the bed of the truck and hobbled as fast as she could to rescue her beloved George. So what does Dot do when she gets to the scene of the moose attack? She smacks the moose on the ass with the shovel! At this point, the startled moose said to himself, "Moose, this old battleaxe is serious! I'd rather fight Chuck Norris antler to hand than take on this crazy broad." Have I mentioned yet that Dorothea is 85 years old? And 5 foot nothin' and 97 pounds? 

A Dumbass' Dumbass

Here's what George and Dorothea had to say about the whole thing:

"Jeez, that was a pretty hard thing for anyone to do, to walk up on a moose like that. Heck, all she had was a shovel," Murphy said of his wife.

"Well, we've helped each other out of problems before. This just happened to be the latest," Taylor said.

I did say earlier that this was an unusual story, didn't I?

Just ask the moose with the shovel prints on his ass.

Dorothea, you are my hero. And a.....

Dumbass. And I say that with all due respect and a great deal of love.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Dumbass Calls 9-1-1, Threatens to Kick Cops Asses

Is that you, John R.?
There are some places and some people on the Big Blue Marble that are worthy of non-stop contempt and mockery. Other than the sons of motherless goats in the Middle East (I'm looking at you, Iran!), there are some other people and places that give me great pleasure in calling a bunch of pussies and twinkletoes. I am, of course, referring to Fwance and San Fransissy. It's nothing intentional, but dumbass stories about the two keep pouring into my news readers and email at a rate faster than water barreling over Niagra Falls. Fwance and San Fran are the gifts that keep on giving. Kinda like having Christmas every day of the year. As long as they keep on supplying the gift wrapped dumbassery, I'll keep on rippin' them to shreds and looking for the goodies in the box.

Florida Gets a Dumbass Pass

I would include Florida on the list of The Mocked & Derided, but the Sunshine State is somewhat handicapped when it comes to this "competitive dumbassery". The deal with Florida has to do with its diversity. First of all, you've the Native Floridians.Plus, the F L A is loaded to the gills with immigrants trying to assimilate into the American way of life (legally) and even I wouldn't come down on them with the full Wrath of the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. The kicker in this equation is the number of "transplants", or as Real Florida-ites call them, "Fucking Yankees", that have invaded the Florida Peninsula.  Therefore, even though I write about an abundance of dumbass F L A - ridians doing dumbass stuff, so many of them are Yankees that it skews the Dumbass Sample Size. I'm just sayin'.

Comin' Up on the Outside Is...

Illinois! Chi-town and its 'burbs to be precise. Not only has The Second City produced high powered Dumbasses like former Guv Rod Blogojavich, our current Dumbass in Chief and the Daley Regime, Chicago also turns out a healthy number of "regular" dumbasses. In other words, just plain old dumbasses.

Now The Windy City can lay claim to a dumbass who ranks a notch above "regular" dumbass and a notch below the more prominent purveyors of Dumbassery. If our Dumbass of the Day keeps up the good work....Oh, wait! He can't ! Why? Because the Dumbass is is the Cook County Crossbar Hilton with $100,000 credit limit bond to help make sure that he enjoys a long vacation courtesy of the fine citizens of Chicagoland.

Today's Dumbass, John R. Pacella, has earned his stay in the Cook County Slammer by going above and beyond the call of Dumbassery. This guy has gazebos the size of Dallas and a love of likker like a Skid Row Hobo, a very dangerous combination if not kept properly in check. Who am I kiddin'? John R. is a comode huggin' drunk with about as much sense as a goat humping Ham Hater named Hussein.

You see, good ole John R. got all tanked up on some cheap ass malt likker named BlogObama Brew and began to feel angry. And brave. And fubared. That kind of Canned Courage can lead only to one thing...9-1-1! Yes, fellow Dumbasses, John R. got gassed and immediately picked up the phone and dialed 9-1-1. Was he seeking help for his drinking problem? Nope. Did he injure one of his Big D Sized Gazebos? Negatory.

John R. dialed 9-1-1 at 4AM not needing emergency assistance, but he did tell the 9-1-1 lady that he wanted her to send the cops to his house because he wanted to kick their asses. After recovering her breath from a long bit of hardy laughter, 9-1-1 lady says to John R., "Sure thing, Sir! I'll send them right over". So the fuzz made the scene at John R.'s crib and out comes John R. strutting like a banty rooster who just missed being supper. The Peace Officers on the call tried to have a nice friendly talk with the dumbass, and he politely accepted their most gracious offer with a pleasant greeting, "I say, Constable, shall we have a spot of tea and discuss this matter like gentlemen?" Then John R. was heard to yell at the cops something that sounded like "Chuck's shoe" or "cork screw" and then he shoved a Police Officer. The heat took exception to such a breach of civility and body slammed John R. onto the sidewalk, beat the shit out of him with their night sticks and said in a very surly voice, "Neener, neener, neener!" Everything after "he shoved a Police Officer", I made that up.

But Wait There's More!

Did I mention that John R. Pacella of the Chicago area is a registered sex offender? He is. I would go so far as to say that being a registered pervert didn't help John R. curry any favor with the local constabulary or the judge who set his bail. Throw in the fact that the guy assaulted a cop and resisted arrest, and our man John R. Pacella of Willowbrook, Illinois, convicted sex offender can anticipate a very long and profitable career as a Bona Fide Prison Bitch. It would be a crying shame if the other inmates in John R.'s "home to be" found out that Johnny Boy is a rapist or child molester or whatever, wouldn't it? They just might try to injure brother John R. Don't injure the poor man you bastards! Cut off his fucking gazebos!!! One. By. One. S-L-O-W-L-Y.

Have a nice vacation, John R. I hope you make new friends easily. Or get a broom handle up your ass. Personally, I vote for the broom handle up the Hershey Highway.


Wednesday, January 25, 2012

A Lesson for Dumbass Young Adults:There Are "Cougars" & Then There Are Cougars

Political Correctness. I' d rather slide down a mile long razor blade nekkid and land in rubbing alcohol than to be PC. As you might have assumed by the previous statement, I ain't too hip on all this touchy, feely, San Francisco-like crap. You know what I mean, don't you? "You're you, I'm me and that's why I love you". (Thanks to Lamont Sanford for the quote) Just thinking about this kind donkey doo doo makes me want bleach my brain.

PC is bad enough when used in every day life, but when it oozes like pus from a canker sore into other aspects of our normal routine, like football, High School football even, for Pete's sake, it has entered Scared Territory and must be confronted with great prejudice. Obliterated. Wiped out. Annihilated.

Yet, oozing onto the gridiron is exactly what this Satan's Spawn of an ideology has done. In Utah of all places! This travesty has all the earmarks of Cal-ee-forn-yuns relocating to Mormonville and spreading their religion of Liberalism. I could very well be wrong, nonetheless this thing sucks sweaty boar hog gazebos.

Cougars No More

Corner Canyon High School in Draper, Utah is the unwitting victim of a bunch of sissified, politically correct dumbasses that should be summarily rounded up and forced, under the threat of tar and feathers, to listen to William Shatner's version of Rocket Man for 24 hours straight. Those sub humans would be begging for tar and feathers within 30 seconds.

Utah is Lost

The really sad thing about this PC bullshit is that it wasn't the Draper School Board or Utah Department of Education that was behind this sinful act. It was the Students of the school! I.Kid.You.Not. This is a new school and the name Cougars was chosen to be the mascot for its athletic teams. I don't know exactly who chose Cougars to represent Corner Canyon High, but the students in all their skull full of mush glory voted to change mascots from Cougars to Chargers.  Why would these kids make such a big deal out of domething as simple as a team nickname feel compelled to do something so damn stoopid. Because they are stoopid! Stoopid from years of Liberal Indoctrination being force fed them by their (some) parents, schools, media and God knows who else.

Hey, if the students of any high school in the USA wants conduct a vote to change the school mascot from one thing to another, that's great by me. The things about this particular mascot name switcheroo is why the issue was brought up in the first place. The reason? Because "Cougars" is a derogatory name for women on the prowl for younger boyfriends! I just threw up a little in my mouth.

The Truth About Cougars

Do these knuckleheaded young people not realize that cougars have indeed prowled the Earth in one form or another for millions of years?! I can say with 100% certainty that not a single cougar in the history of cougars has ever been on the prowl for younger boyfriends, except maybe for lunch. Correct me if I am wrong, but the term "cougar" (older chicks chasing younger men) didn't to into being until recently?

No Attending BYU

I don't know about you, but I always think of older women chasing younger men when on a sportscast I hear, "In high school football action tonight, the Cougars defeated the Lions, 28 - 7." According to the young dumbasses of Corner Canyon High, this must mean 28 "cougars" went on the prowl and rounded up 7 younger guys and had their way with the poor young men. As a pig of a man, I scream to the highest heavens, "Yay!!!! Lucky bastiges!" But that's just me.

How resolute will these kids be when they get a scholarship offer from Brigham Young University? After all, the mascot for BYU is, you guessed it, the Cougar! The phrase "show me the money" comes to mind here.

I am of the opinion that not many students or fans of BYU football automatically think of horny older broads chasing after young bucks when they (the fans & students) hear the word "cougar" during the play by play of a Brigham Young U. football broadcast on the radio. I'll admit that there could be a few, but they are probably from Cal-ee-forn-yah anyway, so that's to be expected from the perverted little Commies.

Need I remind you that BYU is a Mormon university where, to the best of my knowledge, they are not allowed to smoke, curse, fornicate or drink caffeine? Mormons are very conservative folks and they are the ones who picked the BYU mascot! Something about the terrain in Utah leads me to believe that one reason "Cougars" was chosen as the nic for BYU is that there may be, oh I don't, some cougars in them thar hills! I'll go out on limb and speculate nary a one of the females is on the prowl for a younger man - again, except for lunch.

It's No Fun

I don't feel some sense of superiority in chastising these younguns, but dammit if they actually believe all this PC Feces, then somebody has the slap a little logic into them, metaphorically speaking of course, and it might as well be me. It's apparent that their Mothers and Fathers ain't gonna do it.

As I have stated many times on this blog, I hate to call kids/young adults dumbasses except when it is necessary to the plot. This is necessary to the plot. These young men and women are the Future, maybe even some future 'cougars", of our country. They must be at least presented the cold hard facts of common sense by someone with a great deal of life experience when the whole damn lot of 'em have a collective brain fart. They brain farted. I presented.


And I say that with Cougar love. BYU Cougar love.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Those Wacky Fwench Can Teach Dumbasses a Lesson

They Pledged Their Sacred Honor
For our newer readers I'd like to state right here, right now something that will reveal my bias regarding the story I am about to present to you. I am a very politically conservative individual. Now you know exactly where I stand on the following issue. And where I stand on the Fwench. I don't like the Fwench. Put in layman's terms, the Fwench are pussies. This isn't a blanket statement about everyone of Fwench extract, just a generalization about the majority of the citizens of Fwance. I am basing this outlook on personal experience and opinions formed from news stories from the Fwench media as well as the information I have gathered from the American media. Appropriate mud hole stompin' will follow. Be afraid. Be very afraid.That's just how I roll.

The Fwench Show Their Pussifiedness Again

So what's new about this headline? Nothing. That's what. The Fwench are pussies, something I have known for many years. Now what on Earth have the Fwench done now to refuel my disdain for them? To be honest, nothing has actually happened, yet, but it is thisclose (intended spelling) to becoming reality.

I just got an email alert from a Fwench news organization that once again uncovers the pure, unadulterated contempt for their own citizens from the leaders of Fwance. The Fwench Gubmint has already imposed such neat, and by neat I mean fucked up, laws on their people (a mandated 35 work week and a shit load of vacation time for everybody in the late summer, just to name a couple) that surely one more won't matter, will it?  Allow me to let you in on something the Fwench have no clue about. It's called Freedom. Oh sure, those cultured up Frogs (being called "Frogs" really pours piss on their caviar) have no problem murdering the unborn and turning their heads as their so-called "leaders" live a life filled with moral depravity. These "leaders" also look at their constituents with nothing but derision for the very who elected them to the Fwench Parliament. (I'm gettin' there, I'm gettin' there). The Frog Parliament has chiseled away at the God-given rights of the Fwench people for many years, so much in fact, that I guessing that few Fwench citizens alive today can remember anything but being in an unfettered march to Socialism. They know nothing else! Dumbasses.

Ferme Le Bouche

That's Fwench for "shut uppa you face!". And I'll be damned if that ain't exactly what the Frog Gubmint is demanding (through legislation!) that all the peon Frogs (tadpoles?) do. The Fwench Senate passed a bill just a few hours ago that will make it a crime for any Fwench citizen to deny genocide. Let me un-ferme my bouche for you and splain. If a resident of Frogland denies the fact some horrific event like the Holocaust took place, it's a long vacatio for them in the Bastille. To deny that the massacre of Armenians by Ottoman Turks took place in 1915 - 1916 could also land you in Le Slammer. I don't know about you but this appears to me to be a little thing called "thought control". But then again, I am a Dumbass. And a redneck to boot. What do I know about the Fwench? Maybe not much, but I do know that they are a nation of Socialist Pussies. But I digress.

So What?

If you have to ask that question, then you are a Dumbass. Or Fwench. What the hell do you mean, "so what?"?

OK, Frog breath, here's your "so what" wrapped in a nice little turd sandwich so you can enjoy the taste of being Fwench. Can you not see that maybe, just maybe mind you, that our very own US Gubmint (thanks Liberals!) tried to do basically the same thing to American citizens? There was this little First Amendment issue with regard to the internet in a Congressional Bill called SOPA. I am not gonna enlighten you too much on SOPA/I am Having a Middle Age Moment & Can't Remember the Other 4 Letters contained in the bill's title, but trust me on this one. If you don't trust me, fucking Google it. Do I have to do everything for you, Dumbass? :)

Bottom line on SOPA is that it would violate the 1st Amendment to the United States Constitution. Just ask the assholes that supported it until the American people realized what a pig in lipstick SOPA is. Once our Congressional dip shits saw that they were on the wrong side of the American people, they abandoned this bill like Dracula avoids high noon. Rats, meet sinking ship. This kind of bill is designed to do nothing less than censor what can and can't be said on the internet and if that ain't a violation of the 1st Amendment, then I am Brad Pitt. Arm Pitt, maybe. Brad? Not so much.

Number 1 for a Reason

There's a reason that the provisions of the 1st Amendment are there and not, let's say, the 6th Amendment. Freedom of speech, press, assembly etc. and freedom of religious choice without gubmint intervention or establishment, are exactly the main principles on which the United States were built upon. See: England, George, King. Another way to look at this crap is to think of the Ten Commandments. The 1st Commandment says "I am the Lord thy God....". I have a sneaky feeling that it's Number 1 with a bullet because it's the MOST SACRED and important of the Ten. I am fairly certain that the Almighty didn't just throw ten good things together just to have ten good things together.

SOPA/WTFEver was yet another attempt by Liberals to define the Constitution as a "living breathing document", which is another avenue to Socialism in the USA. The Founders of this country debated, debated again, then debated some more on the framework of the Constitution and they finally debated the document a little more before settling on the one we have today. They wrote what they meant and they meant what they wrote, no breathing allowed.

Around the Elbow to Get to the Arm

I may have taken the long way to get to this point, when I could have taken a shortcut, but I felt it necessary to do so. SOPA is precisely the type of bullshit explicitly forbidden by our Constitution.

If you are having a hard time trusting in what I have written, don't believe me then. In fact, I urge you to seek further information. I'll even give you a link where you can start your research. The Constitution of the United States. That's a great place to start. FYI, there is also a link to the Declaration of Independence on the page. And the Bill of Rights, parts of which I so dazzlingly illuminated in the paragraphs above.


As the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, it is my duty to point out and destroy all things that are a danger to this country. To obliterate any and all ideas contrary to the vision of our Founding Fathers and the Sacred Documents that bind us all together as Americans.

And let me tell you, folks, becoming a Socialist, pussified country like Fwance ain't the way that we (and our forebears), as Americans, should go. It's a path to doom and tyranny. Read a little history on all the -"isms". You'll change your way of thinking right quick, friend.

For over 235 years, we have done just fine as the United States of America.

May God continue to bless the Greatest Country in the History of Mankind - the United States of America.

As for the Fwench? One word.

Connardes. Translation: Dumbasses

Monday, January 23, 2012

Guacamole School, Fighting Avacados and Poor Fearless Leader

Add caption
The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Has the Flu Edition: well, Hell. It appears that The Crud® has caught up with your Fearless Leader. I have been dodging the bullet for about a month now, alas I can dodge no more. My wife and Issy have been bravely battling this Viral Menace for about four weeks and the poor chicks just can't get over it. Therefore, it is with a heavy heart and unbridled sadness that I blame them for the fact that I am now infected! I'll be putting them both on waivers later today to see if any stoopid bastard lucky man will claim them. I'll keep ypu up to date.

In spite of the fact that I stand in an eye to eye, face to face with Death itsownself, I stand with the might of the Dumbass Horde behind me! If all that dumbassery doesn't scare Death to the point of pissing his pants, then I am a DOOMED man. However, I know deep in my soul that the power of dumbassery can and will overcome any Evil that stands in its way. Except ex-wives. No power on Earth, short of The Almighty Himself can banish the Satanic evil that is an ex-wife.

With the Dumbass Horde behind me and the help of The Almighty leading the way I shall do my sworn at duty to keep dumbassery at the fore of world events. Remember, I snack on danger and dine on Death. And tacos. I like tacos a lot. Guacamole too. Avacados are The Official Fruit of the Dumbass Horde®. Until I replace it with another one. I am spontaneous that way.


From October 31, 2011: Last Tuesday I posted the first "Guide to Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work". I knew that I had covered only a few of millions of reasons to take a day off from your job. There's one excuse that'll blow you away when I reveal it to you. It's also a felony. Let me splain.

There's this private school in Denver named Escuela de Guadalupe, which is Meskin for "School of Guacamole". The Gucamole School employs a physical education teacher whose handle is Jennifer Gomes, which is Meskin for "Jennifer Gomes". Two weeks ago today, on October 17, Senorita Gomes decided that she wanted to take a day off of work and she came up with an utterly flawless idea, and by flawless I mean fucking stoopid, that would not only give her the much-deserved day off she wanted, but everybody (students, teachers, administrators, janitors) at the Guacamole School would get to stay home too! I know you're thinking, "how could a simple PE teacher accomplish something of such a grand scale?" You dumbass, what else could she do but call in a bomb threat! I.Am.Not.Making.This.Up. It is said that there is a fine line between genius and insanity, well the Guacamole School PE teacher has firmly entrenched herself on the dumbass side of that line.

Imagine the joy and smiling young faces, not to mention the thunderous chorus of "Gracias, Senorita Gomes!", from the Little Fighting Avacados (Fighting Avacado is the school mascot) when they found out that she alone was responsible for this unscheduled school holiday. On the other hand , the estudiantes will be throwing rancid tamales at the pendeja when they find out they'll have to make up this day later in the school year.

At any rate, Ms. Gomes is now charged with a felony for making a bomb threat at a Guacamole School, which in this barrio in Denver is a right of passage. I can say this because I have been to many barrios in the Greater Denver Area and I can assure you that not a single one of them will appear on the cover of Better Homes and Garden or on a Top 10 Best Places in America to Live lists, so I am not at all out of el line-o here. Paraphrasing The Bard, "a dumbass by any other color would be as fucking stoopid".

Besides, Senorita Gomes did it for the children - her little Fighting Avacados.


Sunday, January 22, 2012

Alexandra, Dumbass Emeritus, Brings Back Memories (Correction Added)

Alex, Dumbass Emeritus
Correction!!! Please Take Note!

I am a Dumbass. But you all knew that. I inadvertently used the term "email" several times where I should have used "blog comment" or something similar. So where ever you read the word "email", insert "blog comment" instead. The subject of the first half of today's post, Alex, commented on my back up site when she said what she said so it's not visible on this blog. She DID NOT send me an email.I'll try to add it later, but don't count on it.

And awaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy weee gooooo!!!!!!

I had forgotten about writing this post from October of last year, but I stumbled across it and
thought it was kinda timely considering what I had written a few days ago about dumbass excuses for missing work. It's about Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work, the October, 2011 Edition! It's pretty damn funny and I know you'll like it. Dumbass.

A Note on a Note

Friday I did a deal on a Female Dumbass With a WiFi Fetish. In an odd twist of Fate, that female dumbass, Alexandra (Alex to her buds) Janelli, somehow discovered what I had written. My guess is that Alex (I am her bud yanno), who is a lovely and obviously smart young woman, was drunk. Or stoned. Or maybe she's just that much of a Dumbass, but all that is neither here nor there. She found the post.

OK, I'll fess up. I know how she found me.With a "Duplicate Content Detector".  She fired that bitch up and BANG! There I was. I plagiarized lifted stole used some her material in the post. All right, all right! I used a lot of her work in the post. The point is that, instead of sueing the hell out of me (yet), Alex took the time to compose and send to me an email informing me to contact her attorneys thank me for stealing from "marketing" her blog. What a dumbass. bwahahahahahahahaha

Alex Gets a Dumbass Award

The truth is that Alex sent me an email (which was a total surprise!) thanking me for mentioning her blog in my post. I was happy to do it as I am always looking for source material and I just happened to find WTFWiFi quite by accident. I am glad I did. BTW, in almost two years of blogging, that is the first and only email from another blog owner saying "thanks for the mention and dropping a link to my site in your post" that I have ever received. For her kind words and thoughtfulness, I'd like to publicly thank Alexandra Janelli for taking a bit of her valuable time (look at this and you'll see what I mean by "valuable time") to extend a much-appreciated, if stunningly unexpected, courtesy. This is a busy, enterprising young lady we're talking about here. Hit the previous link. You'll see that Alex could have just said, "So what? He's just a piss ant writing a blog read by his Mother and Satan. Fuck him!". She did  not do it. Instead, she did a nice thing.

As I said, Alex's response to the post was very unexpected, but greatly humbling. So, as Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, I awarded Alex the title of Dumbass Emeritus for her contributions to showing Dumbassery as it happens in the world around us. Her site is great and as you can cypher from what I've told you, Alex is a fine young lady.

Thanks again, Alex. you are indeed a ......

Dumbass. Emeritus.

Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work, Part 1 (October, 2011)

My late Dad used to tell me that he wishes he was born rich instead of good lookin'. I face that same dilemma, but it's a burden that I must carry until I am "The Late Toby", which I hope is no time soon. The point is that if my Dad had been born rich instead of drop dead handsome (like me), then he would not have had to drive a truck for over 40 years and at least 6 million miles, most of that in Texas. I can tell you this: it was a rare occasion when Dad called in sick to work. Nowadays, people call in sick with some really, shall we say, "creative" excuses for not showing up to his/her job.

While doing my usual looking for something to steal from another site in depth research, I came across a web site named The Hiring Site. The following list of excuses for missing work are quoted verbatim from that site. My commentary will follow each "excuse".

This is gonna be good. These are actual excuses used by Liberals, I mean Americans for not showing up for work.

Dumbass Excuses for MIssing Work

Excuse: A cow broke into my house and I have to wait for the insurance man. 
Head Dumbass: Three letters: B B Q. Enuff said.

Excuse: A chicken attacked my Mom.
Head Dumbass: Does Mom make B B Q chicken?

Excuse: My finger is stuck in a bowling ball.
Head Dumbass: Since you can't B B Q  a bowling ball and the only good fingers are steak or chicken fingers, let me get my chain saw. Adios finger. Problem solved. Fucking sissy.

Excuse: My hair transplant has gone bad.
Head Dumbass: It ain't gone half as bad as the size 12 I am gonna put up your ass will "go bad".

Excuse: My girlfriend threw a Sit-n-Spin through my window.
Head Dumbass: was she on the Sit-n-Spin at the time of this incident? If she was, she's a keeper. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

Excuse: I was on a boat in Lake Erie and I ran out of gas and the Coast Guard towed me to the Canadian side.
Head Dumbass: Grab a case of "Moosehead", an OZ of Canada's Finest and walk across the surface of Lake Erie back to the USA side. I have done this before. With good weed, anything is possible. Eh?

Excuse: My foot is caught in the garbage disposal.
Head Dumbass: Are you related to the chick with the Sit-n-Spin? If so, I hope you are a girl. I'm just sayin'.

Can you believe that shit? I know that many Americans are lazy dumbasses with the ambition of a spit wad, but, really, can't you stoopid fucks do any better than that? Whatever happened to real excuses for missing work? stuff like somebody stole my weed and I can't get motivated to work without it. Or...did someone bring a keg to work today? If so, I'm in. If not, I have to go buy one so I'll be spending the day at home doing "scientific research" on what causes hangovers. There are a million of 'em, but the lame ass excuses above could have come from a guy on a street corner selling "Excuses to Miss Work Today" cards for 10 bucks a pop. The sad thing is that so many Americans would stand in line to get a good excuse to skip work, even if it cost $10. Meanwhile, the guy on the corner selling the excuses is working his ass off and getting rich at the hands of a bunch of lazy Occupy Wall Street pussies who smell like some NFL lineman's ass after a double overtime preseason game in Dallas in August. It ain't purty folks. It ain't purty.


Saturday, January 21, 2012

Dumbassery at a High Level - Except in Green Bay & The Big Easy

Not Anymore. Dammit.
The week that we are ending today has been a memorable one.

It all started for me during the National Football League Playoffs last Sunday. Needless to say, from my perspective, starting about 4PM EST, things sucked from that moment on. A little while after four, the Divisional Playoff game between the San Francisco Ballerinas and Nawlins Saints. The Pansies won and the Coon Asses headed back to the Big Easy. Dammit. Things did not get any better from there for me.

My favorite NFL team of over 50 years, the Green Bay Packers, were next to make me wanna barf when they lost to the New York Mannings. In Green Bay no less! What.The.Hell. I remain in shock. How could the defending Super Bowl Champs lose to a team that squeaked into the playoffs beat creaming the Dallas Rhinestone Cowboys in the last game of the regular season! I mean for Vince Lombardi's sake, the Pack was 15 - 1 during the regular season and the Mannings finished at 9 - 7 by virtue of their win over Dallas. That's SIX game spread! In lieu of this upset, I am still boycotting all cheese from Wisconsin. Until I make a double decker Toby Burger later today, protest be damned!

To top off the whole disastrous week, my wife and/or one or both of my little girls have been sick all week. Actually this is about the third week that Heather and Issy have been on again off again ill. Heather and Issy Woo Woo are still under the weather. Whatever it is that's kickin' their asses will not go the hell away! Now I wear the "I'm Next to Contract the Super Crud" bull's eye on my back. Oh, the joy! Dammit. Again.

Even though this week sucked swamp donkey gazebos for my family and me (and my beloved Packers), the dumbassery we displayed in our posts was at a very high level, with each day presenting a tough act to follow for the next day's story. It wasn't easy, but through hard work, determination and cheating, we did it.
  • On Monday, we paid tribute to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Also on Monday, I had a dream! A dream of eliminating terrorists in a most unusual way. Penis cancer!
  • I have posted several stories about dwarf tossing on Dumbass News, but the one we had up on Tuesday had a bit of a twist to it. Ambush Dwarf Tossing!
  • Some weenie at a fitness club in Cal-ee-forn-ya was mortified, mortified, I tell you at posters in the club that featured young, pretty fit women in minimal clothing. BTW...his name is "Twinkletoes", IYKWIMAITYD.
That's an All Pro lineup of Dumbassery if I've ever seen one. Of course I said the same thing about the Green Bay Packers and the Nawlins Saints last Sunday and look how that worked out. Both teams got their asses handed to them by inferior teams. On any given Sunday, I suppose. Dammit.


Friday, January 20, 2012

A Female Dumbass With a WiFi Fetish

To: Alexandra Janelli, A Dumbass Amongst Dumbasses
It's a rare occasion that I salute another blogger as I sit high atop the throne of the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. By "throne" of course I mean the toilet. I do my best thinking in the john, so leave me alone about it. OK? I must say, however, that totin' this desktop computer upstairs is a bitch. I shall not further edify you with the details. You're welcome.

The Salute

This blogger chick in Evanston, Illinois has become quite successful writing about something even more stoopid than Dumbass News. Well, maybe not more stoopid, but her niche is pretty damn unique and fairly stoopid. Stoopid in a good way. And by "good way" I mean this young lady is frakkin' famous.

This young lady, Alexandra Janelli, is not only an internet star, but she has been featured in major newspapers around the country, including the New York Times and the Chicago Tribune. That ain't exactly the HootervilleValley Guardian. Exactly what does this chick do that garners so much attention? She's a Dumbass. Like me. Alex (may I call you Alex?) Alex blogs about Dumbasses. Like me. Instead of writing about the stoopid shit that dumbasses do, she writes about the dumb as dirt names computer users give their wireless networks. Those folks are her dumbasses. Alex has gained fame and fortune, unlike me, doing something so simple that not another SOB in the world thought of it. Ms. Janelli has followed one of the oldest theories in the history of Mankind and ridden it to success. That theory? The K.I.S.S. Theory. Keep It Simple Stoopid. Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant! 

I am going to list a few of the weird handles that dumbasses from, well, all over the place have pinned on their home networks.
  • Tacos and Beer - Now who the hell could argue with that? Having consumed massive quantities of both tacos and beer, I certainly can't. I give it two Coronas up. 
  • Cat Litter Casserole - I guess it's better than Possum Belly Stroganoff. Unless you live in Kentucky. But I digress.
  • centaurporn - Who (or what) co-stars in a Centaur porn flick? Seabiscuit or Jenna Jameson? Inquiring dumbass minds wanna know. This group of dumbasses would need a Fearless Leader of their own. The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Herd. I'm just sayin'.
  • rubbingmyrocketraw - While watching centaurporn, no doubt.
  • spickandhick - Beaner meets hillbilly.
  • Local Hooker ;) - A true Dumbass WiFi nickname. 
  • ur mom is pregnant - I was out of town that week.
Those are just a few of the (at least) hundreds of outstanding WTFWiFi names that Alexandra has come across in her "research". Alex, I bow before you. You have achieved a level of Dumbassery that is reserved for the Few. The Proud. The Dumbass. I am duly impressed. So moved that, as the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, I hereby bestow upon you the unrivaled Honor of Dumbass Emeritus.

God bless you, Alexandra Janelli. You are spreading Dumbassery like a select few can.

I tip my Dumbass Derby (OK it's really a "Dumbasses Need Love Too" baseball cap) to you.

Dumbass. Emeritus.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work!!!

Dear Boss....
Ya know, this retirement gig ain't all it's cracked to be - yet. As a young man I thought by the time I retired, I'd have a few million in the bank doing what I damn well pleased. I was half right. I do whatever the Hell I want to do. Although I must confess that I probably spent a few hundred large having fun over the years, drinking, traveling the country, fishin', drinking, chasing women, drinking, buying Corvettes for strippers, get the picture. Did I mention drinking? All that "wasted" (pun intended) cheese would be nice to have stashed away for a rainy day at this point in my life, but I wouldn't change a thing. I have had a colorful, if a bit eccentric, life and I offer no apologies for that eccentricity. I am just thankful that we have a loving, merciful and forgiving God. 

Excuses, Excuses

But, Hell, there are days I'd cut off my gazebos to get back into the work force. I've always had a pretty good work ethic when working, but when it was quttin' time, I hit the door runnin'. Work hard, play harder. Even though I lived life "to the fullest", I missed maybe five days of work in 20 years, and three of those were for funerals, my Dad's included. What I'm getting at here is that I knew that feeling a little "measly" the next morning did not preclude me from getting to work on time and going full speed ahead for eight hours. No excuses. Period.

These days, I don't see that sort of "I have a job to do and I am gonna do it to the best of my abilities every damn day I am there, no matter what." Not that there aren't millions of Americans who do exactly that, it's just that so many of us are looking for an excuse to play hooky from work for the smallest and most dumbass of reasons. Some folks must carry the "Book of Excuses for Missing Work" (prolly downloaded to their iPhone) with them like a preacher totes the Good Book. And believe me, Brother, some of the reasons that a lot of dumbasses come up with are, shall we say, "inventive".

Hello, Boss? I Can't Make it in Today Because...

There's an organization that keeps track of that sort of thing. No, it's not us here at Dumbass News, it's a far more obnoxious entity that would steal the blood from a vampire bat given the chance, if it hasn't already done so. And guess what? We (you & I) pay these dumbasses to do stoopid shit like this. And the employees of this monster are well-paid, compensated with great benefits and a generous number of vacation days and no work holidays. Yet with all those perks, many of these douchebags are some of the laziest bastards known to Mankind, with their noses firmly planted in the pages of the "Book of Excuses for Missing Work" looking for an unused reason to miss a day at work so they can do something really important, like study the sex lives of tse tse flies during the second week of March during the peak of the tse tse fly humping season. But, I digress.

Following you'll see a list of excuses that people from all over America have come up with to skip work and chase tse tse flies while they (the flies, that is) fly around and have airborne tse tse fly marital relations. This list is an honest to goodness project compiled by the United States Gubmint from information directly from employers from the four corners of this great land.

 -- My cat had the hiccups.
Me: Tell us about the time your parrot lost his voice. Pussy. (pun intended)

-- I thought I won the lottery (but, alas, didn't).
Me: Yeah, and I thought Jessica Alba wanted to do the Horizontal Meskin Hat Dance with me. (alas, she didn't) Dipshit.

-- I got distracted watching "The Today Show."
Me: You liein' sonuvabitch. You got distracted watching lesbian porn. Pervert.

-- My roommate got mad at me and cut the cord to my phone charger, so it didn't charge and my alarm didn't go off.
Me: Three words, asswipe. Wind.Up.Clock.

-- You mean my commute time doesn't count toward my work hours?
Me: No. And screwing farm animals doesn't make you a porn star. A degenerate? Yes. Porn star? Not so much. Pencil Penis? (from yesterday's post) Is that you?

-- A fox stole my car keys.
Me: You ought to be friends with the guy in the excuse preceding this one. He likes animals too. Goat Boy.

-- My leg got trapped between the subway car and the platform (OK, this one turned out to be true).
Me: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Burp!

-- Try the honest approach: I have no intention of getting to work before 9 a.m. (start time was 8 a.m.)
Me: You know what the honest approach will get you? The unemployment approach.

-- Sorry I'm late, I had a job interview with another firm.
Me: I hope it went well. Shit for brains.

-- I had to take a personal call from the state governor (Again, this one turned out to be true).
Me: Suuuuurrrrreeeee. And I had to take a call from the Pope. Protestant.



***Excuses copied & pasted from Original UPI article. The responses are my own***

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Dumbass Signs of the Times

Fitness Club Poster. Offensive?***
Long time readers of Dumbass News know exactly how I feel about Cal-ee-forn-ya. Beautiful place run by dumbass moonbats. Now before I go any further, I want to say upfront that I am not familiar at all with ordinances concerning signage in any given location. What I am about to write is what I think should be the deal regarding billboards, business signs and electronic sign displays where ever there are such signs. When it comes to business signs, with very few exceptions, and using common sense, which is a rare commodity for state or local politicos anywhere, Gubmint should stay the hell out of a business' business. In other words, screw the local laws about this kind of thing, I am about to tell you the way things ought to be concerning signs in any city in the USA, say like Irvine, Cal-ee-forn-ya for example.

Why Irvine?

I chose Irvine over other cities from around the country for a few reasons. First, it's in Cal-ee-forn-ya. Second, Cal-ee-forn-ya is the Fwance of the United States. And I don't mean that as a compliment. Third, I like tweaking the Fwench and Cal-ee-forn-yuns. Two birds. One stone. OK. OK. OK. Let me jump in right  here to say that not all Fwench people and residents of the Golden State are gazebo-less pussies, but the great majority of them are. However, both places have a goodly population of Dumbasses like you and me, but sadly not enough of them to make a helluva lot of difference. Therefore, this post is aimed squarely at the more, shall we say "progressive" citizens of the two locales. No, we shall not say "progressive", we shall say rainbow-flag-waving-kill-the-unborn-I-can-run-your-life-better-than-you-can-tax-the-rich-even-though-a-poor-guy-never-created-a-job-Liberals who have the majority in Cal-ee-forn-ya and Fwance.

A Sign of the Times

This post is built around what an obvious pencil penis Cal-ee-forn-yun, but I repeat myself, has to say about a sign at an Irvine fitness center. Let me splain.

Pencil Penis is a member of a health club in I-town that was recently bought out by another company. When the new people took over the spa, they put up some new signs around the place that portrayed the image the company wants to be known for. The new owners want to project an image of healthy being sexy so they put up some signs that featured some "healthy" young ladies. These posters upset good ole Pencil Penis. He says that the displays "objectify" women. What. The. Hell? We are talking bout a fitness joint aren't we? Does PP expect the club to have posters of large women (or men) plastered all over the place? Nothing says "health club" like a poster of a woman who screams "triple baconator"! I could understand if the club put up before and after signs of some of its clients, but that requires that one half of the signage on display be of the "healthy" young lady (or man) variety. But slappin' a shit load of fat folks on the walls of the fitness center wouldn't exactly fill me with confidence that this business could help me get into a healthy lifestyle. If only the '"fat" signs were up, I'd immediately think that the new owners have a major stake in the Burger King across the street. But that's just me.

Gubmint to the Rescue!

Pencil Penis and some other patrons of the club complained to the City of Irvine about the signs and quick as a hiccup the City jumped all over this stuff. An Irvine City Spokescal-ee-forn-yun said, "The city received complaints that the signage is offensive; we issued a code enforcement notice for the sign to be removed.(by Jan. 19 because) it is a non-permitted sign visible from the exterior of the building that is not part of an approved sign program."An "approved" sign program. Approved by whom? The moonbats who run the City? Liberals R Us? The Homo Nation? God?

The article I read said nothing of nudity or explicitly sexual content (other than the hot babes themselves), so what's offensive about that? I personally find no offense in looking at the poster of a young bimbo built like a brick shit house in a bikini urging me to be healthy.  I always thought that being healthy was supposed to make one feel beautiful and proud of the hard work it took/takes to be built like Katy Perry or The Rock. And I can state categorically that the picture of a woman built like Roseanne Barr (or man built like Ed Asner, depending on your perspective) does not in any way entice me to wanna join this spa. Go buy some Pepto Bismol? Sure. Join this fitness club? Not so much.

That Word Again

The rainbow-flag-waving-kill-the-unborn-I-can-run-your-life-better-than-you-can-tax-the-rich-even-though-a-poor-guy-never-created-a-job-Liberal, I call Pencil Penis is really named Angelo Paparelli. Get this. Angelo is a 20 year old guy who is squealing like a bitch over signs at a fitness club that show some good lookin' chicks! I'm thinkin' that Angie Boy has deeper issues to deal with than whining about these posters of some female hotties, IYKWIMAITYD.

Angelo, it seems to me that you have other options than to remain a member of this club. Finding another place to work out comes to mind. You know... a place that displays posters of Ricky Martin or that openly gay guy on the Bravo Network. Carson Somethingoranother. (I think). That ought to be right "up your alley", so to speak.Your other choice is for you and your good lookin' chick hatin' buddies to just shut the fuck up and work out where you are members right now. It's that easy. Trust me on this one, Ang. The market place will determine whether or not posters of hot women (or men) are a beneficial or detrimental to this business.

There ya go, Angie. The choice is all yours. Take your prick pick.



Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Dwarf Ambushed & Tossed by Drunk Brit!

Physically speaking, I am a small man.Some dumbasses would say the same about my mental capabilities and character too. The ones who carry these ludicrous thoughts around with themselves are either 1) Liberals or 2) Those who wish to dethrone me as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Let me tell you sons of motherless goats in Group 2 that it ain't gonna happen. As far as Liberals go, I ain't skeered of a bunch of pussies who want to turn the USA into Fwance. What a perfect match. The Fwench wouldn't fight to save their own mothers and Liberals won't work to save their own mothers. I told you the Libs were pussies, and we already knew as much a bout the people of the Flag of Surrender. Knowing that, I'm pretty sure that my reign as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde is safe. But I digress....

No Fearless Leader Tossing

As I said up there^^^^^, physically I am not what you'd call a candidate to play Middle Linebacker for the Green Bay Packers. I am about a foot too short and at least a hundred pounds too light. As unimposing as I am, there are smaller men in the world than me who are imposing only in the movies and the WWE. Where I come from we call them "midgets". They prefer to be called "Little People". Forget that noise. My two youngest children (ages 4 & 9) are "little people". A fully grown human bean that got the raw end of the "Verticality Stick" is a friggin' midget! End.Of.Story. Besides, nobody in his right Dumbass Mind would dare to try to do some Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde tossing. Midgets on the other hand are thrown around, willingly in the great majority of cases, like a drunk hooker at a bachelor party. I'm just sayin'.

Drunk Guy Shot Puts Midget, Much to Midget's Dismay

The Telegraph reports that "A dwarf claims he was partially paralyzed on his birthday when a stranger lifted and heaved him onto the hard ground outside an English pub." Did I mention that there was a dwarf tossing event at the pub in question when this incident occurred? It's not stated in the Telegraph article whether the midget victim, Martin Henderson, was participant in the "Mad Midget Weekender" as the show was called, nonetheless Martin was tossed like a salad at a Weight Watchers meeting. The tosser was a drunk bloke who Martin claims was encouraged by a drunk rugby team into giving Martin the Midget the ol' heave ho. While I certainly sympathize with Martin regarding his injuries, that's where my concerns for Martin come to an abrupt halt.

Martin Is a Dumbass

While no midget deserves to be blindsided and flung around for the sheer enjoyment of some inebriated asshole...oh, wait! That's what dwarf tossing is all about! Watching teensy weensy full grown men getting pitched all over the pub to the bemusement of the likkered up assholes in said pub. What the hell was to be expected of a shit load of Brits drinking warm beer, for God's sake? These are the same people who drink hot tea also! Haven't these dumbasses ever heard of ice? No wonder the UK is going to Hell in a hand basket. Warm beer indeed.

Let me go through this ordeal step by step: 1) There is a "Mad Midget Weekender" 2) At a British pub 3) That serves warm beer 4) With a lorry load (<------a little Brit lingo there) of drunk dumbasses in attendance. I can't see any potential problems with that set of circumstances, could you? Evidently Martin the Teensy Weensy Full Grown Man didn't and look what happened to him.

Giving the Runt Credit

I won't list them, but suffice it to say that Martin suffered some pretty serious injuries as a result of being unexpectedly dwarf tossed by some plowed dickweed and still has significant health issues from his experience. But is that what has Martin so pissed off about this ordeal? Not from what I can tell.

The reason that the Midget in Question is perturbed is because the impairments from which he suffers have " derailed what he described as a promising acting career" Acting career? In what, short subjects? A mini series? After reading that, I am of the opinion that martin himself was a few pints along the Drunk Highway on the night in question. Again, I digress.....

The credit Martin is due is because all he wants out this horrible happening is an apology from the rugby that supposedly egged on the Surprise Dwarf Slammer into his commode-huggin' drunk actions. After all, this could have rather easily a long drawn out court battle taking God knows how long to determine the outcome of.

Way to go, Martin Old Bean! Your sense of Justice is to be admired. However, your sense of the common leaves a lot to be desired. Wrong place, wrong time and all that sort of rot. (<-----more Brit lingo there). Have a nice rodeo warm beer on me, mate. But seriously get the pub owners to fucking ice down some of the ole Amber Current, will ya?

And a pip, pip cheery oh to you.


Monday, January 16, 2012

MLK & I : A Man of God & a Dumbass PLUS: Penis Cancer to End War on Terror!

Today we celebrate the birth of a great American - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Dr. King was the most preeminent and influential  civil rights leader in the history of the United States, preaching non-violence and civil disobedience to help achieve his goal of "black children playing with white children".

In Augusta, 1963, one month shy of my 7th birthday, Martin Luther King, Jr. gave one of the most famous, important and stirring speeches in the history of the world, not just this country. His words ring as true today as they did on that sweltering summer night in Washington, DC almost 50 years ago.

If it has been a while since you've heard the "I Have a Dream" speech from Dr. King, please take the less than eighteen minutes it runs to remember the reason we honor this man of humble beginnings as one of the most important men in the history of the United States.
                                                            The Dream Lives

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr...even though he was killed on April 4, 1968, he's still making dumbasses out of bigots everywhere through his message of racial equality for all Americans.

I Ain't as Nice as Dr. King 

While I am very in tune with Dr. King and his vision of equality for all citizens of the US, I am not nearly so tolerant of other kinds of bigots, like, let's say, um Moose Limb terrorists. I'm not certain how the Good Doctor would suggest that we deal with these lovers of goats and mules, but I am quite sure that Dr. King wouldn't recommend The Dumbass Way of Sending Terrorists to Their 72 Virgins, which on the other hand I heartily endorse. I suppose that two great men of vision such as MLK and I are bound to disagree when it comes to turning another human bean into a pile of smoldering internal organs. He would undoubtedly say 'no", I say, "Blow the goat fuckers to Kingdom Come and let the Almighty sort 'em out." but, that's just how I roll.

My Idea to End the War on Terror - Penis Cancer!

Repost from 12/4/11

A recent story published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has inadvertently given us the weapon we need to effectively end the war on terror! We, the USA, have spent hundreds of billions of dollars on weapons systems so technologically advanced that we were blinded by the obvious. Animals. Yes, those animals. Let me splain.

The Splainin' Part

The JSM released the results of recent study that concluded that men who have sex with animals (yes, those animals) are twice as likely as men who don't boff our furry friends to get penis cancer. Until I read this article, I had never heard of cancer of the weenie. Gazebo cancer, sure, but never cancer of Mr. Willy. The Huffington Post ran the story in more detail, but I don't care about that shit. But I will pull a couple of quotes from it in a bit. First, as you can imagine, I have some questions about this study. Who the hell would even think of doing such a study? Some dumbass Brazilian doctor that's who. Brazilians are sick bastards sure, but a study about slippin' the sausage to cocker spaniels? That's just fucking wrong. In order to conduct this study, Dr. Zequi (the Head Man Fucking Animal Observer) needed funding from somewhere. But from where? Private donations? Taxpayers? Gubmint grants? can and bottle deposits? Inquiring dumbasses want to know dammit! Now to the perhaps the most obvious and important question regarding screwing beasts of burden. Actually, it's a two parted entreaty. Part 1: What in the name of all that is Holy would give somebody the idea to study men critter-boinking aardvarks? Was Dr. Z sound asleep one night and suddenly leap out of bed and shout, "Eureka! For my next project I am going to do a study on human-animal sex and the possibility that it could cause cancer of the schlong!" 
Part 2: Where did the good doctor find volunteers for this idiocy? San Francisco? Prison? The Home for the Criminally Insane? PETA? It couldn't have been an easy task to find men willing to go through with it. Except in San Francisco.

Concerned citizens were very active in giving advice to animal pokin' men. Take, for instance, a HuffPo reader that is all about mad monkey sex...literally. Here's a portion of his email to HuffnPuff  "A member of a pro-zoophilia group told The Huffington Post by email that the results of the study should prompt people to take precautions, like using a condom, when having sex with animals. She added that it was unlikely to deter diehard zoophiles. "They might become more cautious," said Sallie Graves, "but they wouldn't change their nature." That's your typical PuffHo patron right there, folks. I would throw caution into the wind and bet a dollar to a donut that this particular emailer will not be voting Republican in the next presidential election. I have a real good joke to insert here but it's pretty out there, so I'll just give you a hint about it instead. Zoophilia, Obama, the First Wookie. I'm just sayin'.

War on Terror

I started this post off with a deal to end the war on terror. I have expertly lead you this far to get the answer with my unassailable logic and reasoning and because you are dumbass enough to read this far. Anyway...Through anecdotal evidence, we have learned that terrorists are very "friendly" with their farm animals. I have actually seen a video from an American fighter jet on a sortee to bomb the shit out of the bad guys one night and through their FLIR (Forward Looking Infrared Radar) camera they caught a bad guy getting penis cancer from a donkey! If you know what I mean and I think you do. So the end of the War on Terror would come about in no time if we just dropped millions of packets of Viagra to the Splodey Dopes. They take the tool hardener and all of the sudden old Bessie the milk cow is lookin' pretty. Damn. Good. A romantic evening ensues, the dirty deed is dine and the dumbass bad guy has dick cancer! Soon, his willie will fall off, he'll die a slow, painful, miserable death and Satan will welcome him to his 72 raisins virgins. Is that a brilliant plan or what?

There is one slight problem with my plan to win the War on Terror, however. A survey of horny Iranian men concluded that out of every ten, only two preferred women. Camels beware!

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