Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: A Hero Dumbass! Really. No Kiddin'. : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Friday, January 27, 2012

A Hero Dumbass! Really. No Kiddin'.

What you are about to witness on Dumbass News is as about as common around these parts as Satan attending Christmas Mass at the Vatican. Sure we still have a Dumbass to "honor", but today's story is truly about honoring a Dumbass. Sit back and get ready for something that could affect your dumbassery forever. Or not. You'll still get a kick out of it though.

Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2

George Murphy and his wife Dorothea Taylor are your typical really old people. Or so it would seem. George and Dorothea live in a two bedroom igloo in Willow, Alaska. OK, I made the igloo part up. However, like many senior citizens, the Murphys have a dog and he too is as old as dinosaur doo doo. Fellar, the pooch, is twelve years old. That's 84 to you and me. George and Dot have a routine of taking Fellar out for walks, thus assuring that he doesn't do his business on the carpet in their igloo. I made up the igloo part again. But any story based on the nation's largest state wouldn't be complete without an igloo joke or two. And by the way, Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2 explicitly states that using an igloo joke more than twice in the same story is a felony against funnyhood punishable by having one's gazebos placed into a vice to be tightened by Hulk Hogan. As you can see,  is Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2 provides for swift and severe punishment when breached. But I digress.

Let me see, where was I? Oh, yeah. The two old farts were walking their old fart dog. There were doing so near an Anchorage, AK airport when they were readying to head back to their igloo home when the, shall we say "unexpected" happened. Oh hell no! We shall say when a one in a gazillion thing happened.

Willow, AK - Unsafe for Octogenarians (and Old Dogs, Children & Watermelon Wine)

Dot was waiting in the truck for George when she just happened to catch something out of the corner of her eye. George was getting the shit kicked out of him! By a moose!!! A 2000 pound living breathing antler totin' Alaskan moose! This was all it took for Dorothea to leap into action. She got out of the truck like someone stuck a rocket up her ass. This old woman, somebody's grandmother mind you, grabbed a shovel from the bed of the truck and hobbled as fast as she could to rescue her beloved George. So what does Dot do when she gets to the scene of the moose attack? She smacks the moose on the ass with the shovel! At this point, the startled moose said to himself, "Moose, this old battleaxe is serious! I'd rather fight Chuck Norris antler to hand than take on this crazy broad." Have I mentioned yet that Dorothea is 85 years old? And 5 foot nothin' and 97 pounds? 

A Dumbass' Dumbass

Here's what George and Dorothea had to say about the whole thing:

"Jeez, that was a pretty hard thing for anyone to do, to walk up on a moose like that. Heck, all she had was a shovel," Murphy said of his wife.

"Well, we've helped each other out of problems before. This just happened to be the latest," Taylor said.

I did say earlier that this was an unusual story, didn't I?

Just ask the moose with the shovel prints on his ass.

Dorothea, you are my hero. And a.....

Dumbass. And I say that with all due respect and a great deal of love.

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