Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Boobs for Beer!!! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Monday, March 12, 2012

Boobs for Beer!!!

He's Reaching for His Wallet ***
One of the pleasures of writing Dumbass News is that I get to choose the subject matter every day. And no subject matter says "dumbass" like boobs. Not that boobs are dumbass, but there's always a dumbass attached to said knockers if they appear here. Today's stoy, however, has another component to it which used to be near and dear to my heart - beer. Boobs and beer, what could possibly go wrong? Well, let me tell you.

A Problem Arises

Down in Florida (I live in Maine so it's "down" in Florida to me) two women were out for a night on the town and stopped by a local tavern where they consumed massive quantities of barley pop. They were drunk. Not commode huggin' drunk but drunk nonetheless. After drinking all this beer, they decided that they needed more beer. But there was one small problem. They were out of money. This is where the saying "necessity is the Mother of invention" comes into play. Throw in a dose of good old capitalism and American ingenuity and you have a felony! Let me splain.

Boobs and Beer

OK, so these two chicks are drunk and out of money, so, like any good businessman, they hatch a plan to get some cash flow. The idea is that they will go around to each table in the tavern and show their hooters if some dumbass will "tip" them. At this point I have decided that this pair of bimbos are either hookers or strippers. Probably butt ugly ones too. But that's purely speculation. However, to back my assertion I present to you a question. How many women who look like Miss America get drunk enough to be willing to show their hammers for beer money? I rest my case.

Anyway, the women start going around from table to table offering to display their assets hoping to get some drinking money. Their effort was futile. This further proves that they were as pretty as the north bound end of a south bound mule. But I digress. Employees at the watering hole were alerted to this boobs for beer plot and escorted the ladies outside. This where the real fun begins.

The Struggle 

Once outside the tavern the strippers, I mean, women become unruly. Given that they are plastered this comes as no surprise. There's a big scuffle where the two drunk bimbos attack one of the employees showing them the way out of the bar. The attackee was a female. The attackee's co-worker, a male, pulled the women apart, trying to restore some semblance of order. But it was not to be. As the guy was separating the chicks, one of the drunk "I'll Show My Tits for Beer Money" broads pulled a knife! The cops were called.

So now the "Boobs for Beer" plot becomes a "3 to 5 Years in the State Pen" plot.

My Idea 

This incident could have ended much differently and for the good if two things had happened.

Thing 1: If you are so drunk that you have to offer to display your ta-tas for more money for more beer, it's time to go home. Call a cab and head to the Ponderosa.

Thing 2: If you do intend to flash your yahbos for more money for more beer, please make sure that you look more like Miss America than Miss Pig Shit. Your chances of getting the cash will increase exponentially. Trust me one that one.


***Photo from***


  1. I can only surmise that breasts store alcohol like a camels hump stores water so they can endure long periods of drought. If that's the case I now know why it costs so much to get a busty date drunk. The next time I'll choose a flat chested one.

  2. Beef...I believe that we are brothers from different mothers. Again, your logic is infallible.


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