Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: May 2012 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Parunts uv Skool Kidz Our Dumbasses

As the school year winds down, a few thoughts...

If you've ever been the parent of a child who goes to school, you, more than anyone else, know that kids occasionally get sick and have to miss a day of the Three Rs only to become the Fourth R, Rotten! But Rotten is another story for another day. When kids are too ill to attend school for a day, it's school policy that the parents of said sick child, upon her return to school, issue a note from Mom or Dad explaining Little Susie's absence. Fair enough. However! Upon reading the "my kid missed school because,,," notes, teachers have to wonder how the hell did Mom or Dad make it through school! Or if they even went to school.

Let me splain.

Prelude to Dumbassery

Some of the "excuse letters" that parents write explaining a kid's absence from school are sicker than whatever kept the kid home in the first place. And by "sick", I mean "stupid". Weeeellll, "stupid" may not be the right word to use here, but the phrase "dumber than a box of hammers" is pretty accurate.

If you send your child to a public school, withdraw him immediately! If you do not take prompt action today, it may be too late for your kid! I. Ain't. Kiddin'. Once you read some of the notes I have been talking about, you'll quickly realize that the tax dollars, YOUR tax dollars, used to fund public education might as well be spent buying Chevy Volts. Schools and Volts are both gubmint projects and neither of them has proven to be anything but disastrous, expensive and failures. I'm just sayin'. Having a hard time swallowing that? Then chew on this shit.

Parents of Skool Kidz Are Stoopid

OK, you asked for it and I am happy to oblige. Here are a few of the stupidest, most English-challenged pieces of work you have ever seen in your life. And that's just the Parents! The excuse notes are even more jacked up.

The following "excuse my kid from missing school" notes will be presented exactly as they were written at the time. I will not change a thing about them. BTW, thanks to for the excuse notes.

Behold the work of America's parents:

  • 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • 2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  • 3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • 4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  • 5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  • 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  • 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  • 10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • 11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the *plum*.[words in "(  )'s" were crossed out.]
  • 12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  • 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Want more? Just follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Further Proof:

  • 15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
  • 16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  • 17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  • 18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  • 19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  • 20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • 21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
  • 22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
  • 23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
  • 24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
I rest my case.

Lern to Spel!
Learn Your Own Damn Language, Dumbass!

If it seems that I am ragging on a boatload of parents, it's because I am! My advice to these Moms and Dads is to learn your own damn language - English! I understand that mistakes will be made when writing a note to school, a resume or even a or blog. Hell, I'm sure someone with much more command of the English language and the grammar thereof could go back through what I've written in the last few minutes and tear me a new one because of various errors. I can live with that. English is a tough language to get a hold of in many ways. Ask any immigrant or student new to English. Hell, ask an American the same things and see what you get?! And it's our native tongue!

My problem lies with what appears to me to be a lack of effort in coming anywhere near the proper use of spoken and written English. Did these goofballs just not pay attention at school? Did they even GO to school? Who is to be held accountable? Lazy students? Dumbass parents? Crummy teachers? The city school board who think throwing more money at a problem is the solution instead of addressing the problem head on? The State Edjumacation morons? How about the Feds? In a word: Yes times five. But each of the aforementioned groups bears blame in different "quantities".

Who's to Blame?

 And the blame goes to....(in no particular order):

  • 1) The Students - In the end, it's the kids' who are the ones who suffer, but it is they who've got to put their collective noses to the grindstone. It's not a very complicated thing, really. Go to school every day. Get there on time. Listen/Read/Write/Learn/Ask Questions/Study. Simple, huh? Oh! One more thing. When you are too sick to go to school and the time comes to go back, WRITE YOUR OWN NOTE AND HAVE YOUR PARENTS READ IT THEN SIGN IT! Whatever you do, for God's sake, DO NOT let your folks scribble a word! 
  • 2) Parents - Let me put it this way: Would you wants the parents who wrote those excuse notes to help YOUR kids with their homework? Enough said
  •  3) Crummy Teachers - This is not a cheap shot at ALL public school teachers. Over the last 50 years I have known and been a student of many outstanding p. s . teachers. They taught for all the right reasons, chief among a love of kids and a desire to pass on valuable knowledge that will ultimately be crucial at some point in life. In this group of great teachers I include the current/past teachers my little girls have/have had in their brief academic endeavors. These teachers are a priceless commodity to not only our children, but to the country as well. Well educated young people are the best hope for the future of our Representative Republic. That doesn't necessarily mean that everyone has to go to an Ivy League Bastion of Liberalism either. Trade schools and, in many instances, online "schools" provide superb curricula and very good instructors. My point here is to reward the teachers who achieve success with their students and dump the crummy ones like an Iranian Mullah drops a pork chop. Easier said than done? Sure, but when has ANY challenge been too much for the United States of America to overcome? Let's start with the young folks by giving their teachers the tools needed to educate our children. And more money ain't always the right solution to a major problem. 
  •  4) City School Boards - See Number 3, Crummy teachers. I could add a lot more stuff here, but it would take a week to type it all out. But good ole Number 3 up there is a great place to start. Simply substitute the word "school board member/administrator for the word "teacher" and you won't be wrong.
  • 5) State Dept. of Education - Again I refer to Number 3. For "teacher" use "bureaucrat", "professional public servant" (that's not a good thing) or "dumbass". They are all interchangeable.
So, get with the program, you dipshits!

And learn English!


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Organic Dumbass Romance

The internet has had an amazing effects on today's society. Nowadays you can go online to pay bills, shop, do research, date and a thousand other things. I want to focus on the dating thing for today's post. As you may or may not know, I met my wife online. 

Quick recap: we met in an AOL Chat Room , became friends, exchanged phone calls and one day I showed up here in Maine, not really knowing what to expect, but we ended up getting married and having a baby together. I have now been here for almost five years and everything is great.

In spite of the fact that the internet has changed, or added to, the way things are done, the old fashion meet and greet of the real world still is the way to go for most people. Most single people prefer the old fashioned way to seek a mate...face to face. And one of the staples of finding a partner is till going strong. I am talking of meeting in a supermarket. Nothing says I love you like when two people reach for the same cumquat, touch hands and feel the sparks between each other.

But some dumbasses go to specialty grocery stores to meet and seek love over the tofu. Rainbow Foods of Minneapolis, Minny-sota is a trend setter when it comes to such encounters. Should we call thee knot heads Organic Dumbasses? I dunno. A spokes-organic dumbass for the grocery retailer explains, "Several people make the same types of food, and you can have a conversation that's not intimidating." Here's some more organic dumbassery for you, "said co-op shoppers are likely to make connections because they "know that (others) share some values ... whether environmental or health or the treatment of animals."

Tofu or Not Tofu, That Is the Question

I can see it now. Two  organic dumbasses are admiring the bean sprouts when one of them says, "Nice global warming we're having today".

Then the other organic dumbass responds, "Yes, it is. The Polar Ice Caps are melting at an alarming rate and soon sea levels will rise by 20 feet! How about you and I go for a latte sometime?" If I weren't busy heaving up breakfast, I'd find that type of meeting as Gaia-inspired.

The conversation continues, "I hope these bean sprouts are from free range beans. I could never forgive myself if they weren't."

The response, "Ooooh, baby, you really curdle my soy milk when you talk like that. Let's live in sin together!" An organic dumbass romance is born.

Kiss My Organic Ass

I don't want to rag people because they share the same interests like global warming and a matter of fact, I DO want to rag on them because they are organic dumbasses! On top of that, they are generally a bunch of condescending assholes who think they are better than their non-organic dumbass friends. So Gaia damn them all!

And kiss my organic ass.

Organic dumbasses.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Dumbassisms - Dumbass Words of Wisdom!

Learning From the Wise
I trust that you all had a kick ass but safe Memorial Day Weekend. I know we did here at the Dumbass Dome...except for "The Sleepover". One of my neighbors is a divorced Dad who like, sadly, millions of other Dads around the country see their kids only on weekends or whatever. Divorce is a bitch and nothing good can come from it except for the sudden loss of 130 pounds of ugly fat. And by "ugly fat" I mean the soon-to-be ex-wife. neighbor has two little girls about the same ages as my two daughters. All four of these little girls really like each other a lot and are very fond of one another. Also, just like my neighbor the Dad, my kids see his kids when he does, so we have a double edged sword here. Do the kids visit Dad the Neighbor or have a sleepover at my house?

The Sleepover won.


All four of these little girls are great kids, but they are after all, kids. Girl kids. Ages 5 - 11. All in one small apartment. Together. Overnight. You see where this is going and believe you me, it went there.

I won't bore you with the details, but it was, shall we say, a hectic weekend. No we shall not say "hectic weekend", we shall say "tortuous weekend". However! I learned two very valuable lessons this weekend.

Lesson 1) Never again.
Lesson 2) I am a Dumbass.


A couple of posts ago I mentioned that I am big on sayings. You know what I mean. Those witty one liners that makes so much sense you wonder, "Why the Hell didn't I think of that?"

A few days ago I got an email from a good friend of mine in Texas, who would like to remain anonymous, so I will refrain from telling you that his name is Ted Nicolai. So Ted my friend shoots me this email with all these cute one line observations on it and I would like to share some of them with you.

I shall call these witticisms "Dumbassisms". I would call them Tedisms, but the words "Ted" and "Dumbass" are interchangeable and I like the word "Dumbass" better than the word "Ted". If I liked "Ted" better, I would have named this blog "Ted News", but I didn't. Besides, everybody knows what a Dumbass is and nobody cares about what a Ted is. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Tedisms Dumbassisms
  • Only in America drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
  • Only in America people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
  • Only in America banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  • Only in America we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
But Wait! There's More!
  • Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
  • Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
  • Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I know the answer to the last one. It's to make the dishwashing liquid taste better! I thought everyone knew that. Geez.

I told you that the words "Ted" and "Dumbass" were interchangeable.


I mean...


Monday, May 28, 2012

Memorial Day, 2012

You owe these guys your Freedom. Today, we honor them.

The ID a Dumbass Game!

Dumbass criminals are a dime a dozen these days. Everywhere you look, a dumbass criminal is sure to be nearby. Hey! That gives me an idea! My idea is a spin off of the old "Watching People at the Mall Game" or for brevity's sake, WPMG. You can still play WPMG but while you're doing it, you can add a whole new dimension to it. While playing WPMG, you can also play "Look for the Dumbass Criminal at the Mall Game"! That's right, folks! You can take the WPMG one step further by trying to guess which dumbass in the mall is not just a dumbass at the mall, he's also a dumbass criminal at the mall! What fun for the entire family! Not only will your family be having a great time together at the mall, but you'll be doing a Public Service as well. By identifying a potential dumbass criminal, you'll be helping local law enforcement to stop many crimes before they even happen! And to think that all this family fun time is absolutely FREE. A bargain at twice the price! Bwahahahahaha! Another benefit to WPMG and IDing dumbass criminals is that you can text your findings to all your friends! Or even post them to Twitter! Who knew that crime fighting and dumbass identifying would be such a rush?!

Here's a helpful hint for you while playing WPMG and finding dumbass criminals, be sure to sit near the food court. Every dumbass in the mall and every dumbass criminal in the mall will, at the very least, pass by the food court. Location is a very important component to WPMG. You want to be a in target rich environment and the food court offers that and more! Also you'll need to be inconspicuous while playing WPMG, so be sure to mix in with the mall crowd by ordering a slice of pizza or a big tub of popcorn while dumbass criminal IDing.

I'm sure that in all the excitement of writing about WPMG and dumbass criminals, I forgot some help hints to pass along to you, but at least you have the basics down, and that's what's important. So, good luck in your WPMG and dumbass criminal identification! Your country is calling on you!

Dumbass. :)

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Dumbass Psychic, Dwarf Tossing & Door-to-Door Boob Exams

Best of Dumbass from October 15, 2011
This week's outstanding Dumbass News stories are among the weirdest we have ever seen on these pages. frakkin' hilarious stuff. This is going to make the race for "Dumbass of the Year, 2011" is a tough one to call at this point, but I do have some ideas for the finalists for the award. It's a good thing I do because as I look at the calendar it's the middle of October already so the end of the year is really not that far off. I am thinking about running a series of polls to where you can have some input into the "Dumbass of the Year" award process. I am leaning towards a tournament type series of polls where your votes will determine who moves on in the selection process. I just don't really know yet. If you have any ideas I'd love to hear from you. This is your blog, I am just the dipshit who's dumbass enough to actually put his name on it. Leave a comment with your ideas in the comment section or shoot me an email at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. Now onto The Dumbass News Week in Review! 

  • Dumbass Psychic - Not only does this dumb bitch expose herself as a charlatan, fraud, extortionist, she jumps way up the ladder in the "Dumbass of the Year" rankings. Sad and funny as hell at the same time.
  • What do Dwarf Tossing and the Constitution of the United States have in common? A lot more than you'd think. It takes a true genius of a dumbass like me to actually make sense of it all. read on and you'll agree. I promise.
  • Door to Door Breast Exams - This story features one of the most ingenious dumbasses in the history of Dumbassery. You have got to read it to believe it. I didn't make any of this stuff up. Pinky swear.
Remember to let me know if you have any "Dumbass of the Year" nominations or story ideas by emailing me at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. To refresh your memory on your favorite dumbass, browse the blog archives and submit it to the email address <-----back there. If you are a newer reader the archives are a great place to catch up on some of weird news that happens every day somewhere in Dumbass-ville.



Saturday, May 26, 2012

"Sweet Cheeks" - Prison Bitch

Dumbass Detector
Origianlly Posted April15, 2011

What's with all the dumbass criminals today? I mean it seems like we never hear of bad guys that at least have an IQ above that of a steaming pile of dog poop. maybe that's why so many crooks are called "shit for brains", I don't know. So many of the dumbasses we hear about today are the ones whose sisters and brothers are also their aunts, uncles, and cousins rolled into one. I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

One would think that even the most dumbass of dumbasses would know that technology today is some how going to record your every damn move, especially when you commit a crime. Why in the hell do you think that the security Room at your local WalMart looks like NORAD in there? These businesses are serious about this shit. Shinki's Nail Salon in Queens,NY is no exception. Shinki's doesn't have all the latest surveillance equipment, but they do have a small security camera, which I presume made it an easy target for a dumbass crook like Kevin Cheeks. Cheeks robbed the place and thought he had it made when he jumped in the owner's van, stole it and went about his merry way. This is where technology comes into this story. The van had a GPS unit in it! Kevin's freedom was about to become a short-lived thing. Cops used the van's GPS to follow Cheeks all around NYC until they caught up with him and busted his sorry, criminal dumb ass. Kevin's "reward" for robbing four people of their valuables and Shinki's of $300 cash was to be found guilty by a jury of his peers in less than two hours. Now Kevin's little excursion into the life of crime will cost him up to twenty years in prison.

Kevin, however, will never be lonely as our favorite inmate Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams has been notified of Mr. Cheeks' impending arrival at prison. Leon is very excited to have some what he calls "fresh meat", that he has a cute new nickname for Kevin when he finally gets to the Big House. Sweet Cheeks. Not Kevin Cheeks anymore. Sweet Cheeks. Sweet Cheeks, you are for the next twenty years Leon's little play pretty. Have a nice day!


Friday, May 25, 2012

Dumbass "Vacation Sex" Getaways! Let Me Book Your Trip!

Survey Says.....!
One of my favorite sayings, and I am big on sayings, is that life is like comedy - it's all in the timing. Well, slap me down and call me shorty (another saying I like) if blogging ain't like comedy too. The timing part that is.

Let me splain.

I got today's story in my email yesterday and, lo and behold if I didn't start up a new blog yesterday too. The story for today is about vacations and sex and my new web site is about vacations and sex! Well, the new blog, The Lower 48 (Plus 2), is actually about vacations, but I suppose that you could have some really good Mad Monkey Sex at some of the places I feature on the site. But, I digress.

"Gettin' Some" on Vacation, the romantic social site, which is another way to say "a get laid site", recently conducted a survey of 1529 adults ages 18-49 on the subject of romantic vacations. Seventy-four per cent of the respondents said that the nooky while on a romantic getaway was better than gettin' porked at home. Normally, I would call bullshit and make fun of, but not this time. I'll make fun of later in the story. :)

I don't disagree with the findings of this survey for one main reason - routine. Couples who have sex at home on a regular basis tend to slip into a routine that is more or less habitual. So I read anyway. (That's not true for me of course because I am a StudMuffin and Fearless Mad Monkey Sex With Mrs. Fearless Leader Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Enough said.) Whereas while being on vacation in a new, exciting, exotic locale is almost certain to crank up the ole Horny Meter in both men and wimmin. It just makes sense. To me anyway.

I'll have to confer with Mrs. Fearless Leader about her thoughts on the subject.

Here's the Rub

My problem with this survey is where the answerers considered the best places away from home to bump uglies.

Here's what I mean:
  • 22% said the beach was the most romantic place to spend a vacation. 
  • 15% replied that a romantic city was the deal for them.
  • Another 15% said some far-flung locale got them all worked up.
  • 9% of the 1529 Dumbasses in this survey thought that staying at a Bed & Breakfast was very romantic.
  • 8% (EIGHT PER CENT!) felt that a road trip was the way to go and...
  • 5% wanted to go camping for a romantic interlude.
What. The. Fuck.?

Here's What I Think: (in the same order as the results above)
  • I don't like sand on my nether regions
  • What constitutes a "romantic city"? One with no bowling alley?
  • Far-flung? Like Nebraska?
  • The only way this can be true is if a couple is engaging in a little "offensive driving", if you know what I mean and I think you do.
  • Are you kiddin'? I prefer that guests in the other rooms do not ear-witness the goings on of Fearless Leader Mad Monkey Sex.
  • No damn way. What's worse than sand "down there"? Ticks "down there", that's what!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Female Lingerie Seller Fired for Having Bigguns

The Heat Seekers in Question
If you have read Dumbass News for any period of time longer than about ten minutes, you know that I am against discrimination in any way, shape or form. Except when it's necessary to the plot. Or against the Fwench. The Fwench deserve derision and scorn at every turn. But, I digress.

Discriminating against any person, except the Fwench of course, because of religion, race, national origin, creed, large hooters, etc. is a crime against humanity. Especially being discriminatory against a big rack.

Which brings us to today's story.

Fired Because of Heat Seeking Missiles

Lauren Odes is a young woman from New Jersey who just happens to be shall we say, "well-endowed". No, we shall not. We shall say that Lauren has very large knockers. It's these females appendages that are the source of Ms. Odes' problem.

Lauren was fired from her job because her heat seekers are too big. I know, this is the worst form of discrimination possible. Look at all the joy and comfort that titties have brought into the world since the time of Adam and Eve. Think about it. Babies had to have something to eat, right? Another example of boobs being of benefit to mankind, children specifically, is the story of the nice strippers who tried to help out a Los Angeles Little League Baseball team.

I guess I should now mention that Ms. Odes and her hammers worked for a sexy lingerie store! I thought the idea of sexy underwear for women was to show a female's assets. Am I wrong?

Disturbing Questions

Question 1) What do the owners of the "Almost Nekkid Lady Shop "have against massive breastses?

Question 2) Note that is an important part of the story: The owners of the "Almost Nekkid Lady Shop" are Orthodox Jews. That is a pertinent fact of the story. Why? Because there is evidently a dress code of some sort for Orthodox Jewish wimmin and Lauren was expected to follow that dress code. She was given a bathrobe to cover her chestictular protrusions and felt insulted, so she went shopping to buy clothing that complied with the Orthodox Jewish Wimmin dress code. She was then notified on her cell phone that she had been relieved of her duties as an almost nekkid lady lingerie sales person. It is also essential to note that Lauren Odes is a Jew also. Not Orthodox, but Jewish nonetheless. Now the question; what do the Orthodox Jews have against New Jersey-size hooters?

Question 3) If the bidness that Lauren worked for sold sexy lingerie, wouldn't great big tits be a valuable sales tool? Tools?

Lauren Hires a Publicity Hound

I was gonna subtitle this section of the story "Lauren Hires a Publicity Whore", but the publicity whore Lauren hired is Gloria Allred and Ms. Allred has no compunction about sueing a guy like me for calling her a publicity whore. So, I won't call call G-Red a publicity whore in order to avoid any possible litigation. However! Gloria can not sue me for thinking that she is a publicity whore. Therefore, I think Gloria Allred is a publicity whore.

Ms. Allred, whom I think is a PR hooker whore, is an excellent choice in Lauren's pursuit of Justice against the Orthodox Jewish guys who hate big bosoms and terminate female employees who are blessed with a substantial rack. Gloria Allred, when representing a wronged woman, is like a pit bull on a T-bone. Vicious and umstoppable.

As much as I think Ms. Allred is a publicity whore, I am actually on her side this time. She has taken up a case worthy of litigation and will be certainly prevail against the Orthodox Jewish Guys Who Hate Big Boobs in a court of law. And deservedly so.

Good luck to Lauren and her heat seekers.

As for the Orthodox Jewish Guys Who Dislike Bodacious Ta-tas...



Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Chick w/ Duct Taped Boobs Beats Up Three Cops!

West Coast Fashion Accessory
You know, I am getting pretty damned fed up with this shit. "This shit" being that Dumbasses everywhere are giving Duct Tape bad PR. It all started back in March when a couple of nekkid Dumbasses decided to get their freak on then take a drive around Portland, Oregon. On that occasion Duct Tape was used to bind the Lady Dumbass up like she was being kidnapped. Now if the Lady Dumbass had a nice rack on her then this would not be Duct Tape Abuse, but this is Portland, Oregon we're talking about here, so that is doubtful. How do I know? Have you ever seen pictures of the women in Portland who would drive around town nekkid with their hooters bound by Duct Tape? I rest my case.

Well, the demeaning of that most valuable of Redneck Tool Box Accessories continues out on the Left Coast. This time by a stripper wanna be from Seattle. As you know, Seattle is a veritable mother lode of Dumbasses and the Communist and Suicide Haven Because It's Gray and Rainy A Lot Capital of the United States.

I. Ain't. Happy.

A Night on the Town

A woman whose name we do not know but we'll call "MoonBeam" had had enough of the Commie bullshit and rampant suicide going on in her town, so she decided that a night out would be a good thing.

MoonBeam got all painted up and dressed up for her big excursion into the night life of Seattle and headed to a local night club. This is mere conjecture on my part, but I think it will be borne out by the end of this story, upon arrival at the club, MoonBeam began to drink a copious amount of Mad Dog 20/20. Soon she was obviously drunk. I say that because at some point later in the evening, MoonBeam began to take off her clothes. While still inside the night club.

Enter the Duct Tape 

MoonBeam peeled off her shirt exposing her knockers then reached into her purse and pulled out some pink Duct Tape. At this point, she began to wrap the Duct Tape around her boobage when a club bartender and a female patron intervened and politely said, "Bitch, leave the club now!", but not in those exact words.  MoonBeam would have none of this interference, so she proceeded to give the two interlopers an old fashion beat down.

The cops were called.

The cops get to the scene and MoonBeam, with her hammers firmly ensconced in pink Duct Tape, ran from them and tried to hide in the Ladies' Room of a nearby KFC/Taco Bell joint. Now, if I am the cops and I'm looking around for a female suspect in the nearby KFC/Taco Bell, the Ladies' Room would be a good place to check out. If there are no ladies with their tits wrapped in pink Duct Tape in there, you move on with the investigation. Alas, MoonBeam was in there and the police handcuffed her and led her out of the restaurant to the Police Cruiser.

MoonBeam was not amused.

More Fun! 

It was at this point that, according to the Law, MoonBeam "freaked out". By "freaked out" I think the Seattle PD meant that MoonBeam kicked the shit out of three of Seattle's Finest. Further, by "kicked the shit out of", I mean one cop severed a tendon in one of his fingers, another suffered a slight concussion when MoonBeam gave him a round house kick to the skull and yet a third cop suffered a dislocated jaw!

There was no word whether the pink Duct Tape kept MoonBeam's hammers in place, but inquiring minds want to know.

Regardless, MoonBeam and her boobies will now spend a large portion of the next decade as a guest of the State of Washington. After the ass kickin' she gave the cops, it has yet to be determined whether she will do her time in a men's or a women's prison.  

Or! the State of Washington could send her to Portland, Oregon. I hear there's a Duct Tape-loving couple there that is looking for a new friend.

Duct Tape not included.


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Dumbass Lies That Will Save Your Gazebos - Maybe

"Tell the Truth, Dumbass!"
Here's an Old Saying that I just made up : "All liars are Dumbasses but not all Dumbasses are liars". Pretty profound, huh? Yeah, I come up with a good one once in a while.

The previous Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Words of Wisdom and Dumbassery© are mainly true for male Dumbasses when talking to female Dumbasses. Under certain circumstances, when presented with a choice of telling the truth or lying like a mangy flea-bitten dawg, a male Dumbass will lie through his teeth every. single time.

In all fairness to male Dumbasses everywhere, sometimes a lie will save your life - not to mention your gazebos. As a Public Service to Prevaricating Dumbasses of the XY Chromosome Persuasion, I shall point out some instances where a teensy weensy fib is an infinitely better choice than telling the God's honest truth.

It 's OK to Lie When... 

Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, Top Dumbass Material Contributor and You Tube Star,  found an article on about The Top 10 Lies Men Tell Women. I will list a few of them below, then give my take on the proper way to address the deal.

  • Does this dress make my ass look big? Fellas, this is a trick question. A woman asks you this because she really wants to know the truth. Except she really doesn't. I told you it was a trick question. One the one hand, a lady honestly wants to know if a certain dress makes her ass look too big. She can't, after all, go to a party, business dinner, etc. and being wearing a dress that makes her rear end look like the back side of a Mack truck. This is both embarrassing and unprofessional. Therein lies the dilemma for a male Dumbass. Let's say the dress is too tight and you know it. You then politely say, "Honey, that dress fits you a little snugly". The woman, wanting to hear the truth but not wanting to hear it all at the same time, hears you say, "Bitch, your ass is so wide I'd have to measure it using the length of axe handles". 

Solution: Lie and lie convincingly. I mean real convincingly. A little white lie here can mean  the difference in leading a life with happy gazebos or no gazebos at all. The gazebos win every time.
  • I Don't Enjoy Going to Strip Clubs. Men, you have dug your own grave here with one foot in it and the other foot on a banana peel. The only way out is to know when to stop digging. And by "stop digging" I mean of course, "stop lying". You are in a no-win circumstance at this point, guys. So just shut the fuck up. Here's the deal: you have begun lying to a woman by lying before you ever get the chance to tell the real lie! Of course you like going to strip clubs! You are a man for Pete's sake! Men are horn dawgs and going to a strip club is the closest to being a philandering bastard as you can get without actually being a philandering bastard! Unless, of course, you are already low-life cheating scuz ball. 
Solution: Don't lie to begin with. Women are not stoopid. They can see through a lie like this like Superman looks through brick walls. Or G-strings. Women know (they may not understand, but they know) that men are pigs. Men, when faced with the choice of settling down with one woman and the same poon every night for the next fifty years or cavorting about with nubile young women who look like Jessica Alba without clothes on and getting new poon every night of his life, will, believe it or not,  always go home to someone they love and are spiritually bonded with before they go on a Stripper Humping-a-Thon. Even the horniest of marrried men need the comfort and reassurance that only a good woman at home can provide.

If you want to go to the Jiggle Joint with your buddies, simply tell your wife, "Baby, I'm going to the Pierced Nipple with Frank. We just want to check out some young, firm hooters. You know, the kind you used to have?"

Then call a divorce lawyer.


Monday, May 21, 2012

Lady Fakes Home Invasion, Shoots Self! Twice!

Joy's New Playmates
I love Tennessee, God knows I do. It pains me to have to say, no matter how true it may be, that the Volunteer State has its share of Dumbasses. And I'm not just talking about the Dixie Chicks here either. There is, however, a Dixie Chick (a woman from the South, not the singing group) that fits the bill of being a Dumbass to a "T".

So many Southern women are the epitome of kindness, honesty, caring and decorum, but not all of them possess such Earthly qualities. That's where Joy Lounders comes in.

Home Invasion

Last Wednesday night, Joy was sitting alone in her home in Jefferson County, Tennessee minding her own damn bidness when the unthinkable happened. A gray haired man stormed into her house and began to violently assault her. Like any Southern woman worth her salt, Joy grabbed a pistol preparing to send the Bad Guy to His Reward. However, it didn't quite work out that way as Joy was shot twice, once in the leg and once in the shoulder. She was able to call the Cops who quickly arrived on the scene.

Joy lives in a nice, previously safe part of Jefferson County and the Police were dumbfounded that something like this horrible incident could occur in a such a neighborhood.


You wanna know why the Law was so shocked to see a crime of this type at Joy's house?

Because. It. Did. Not. Happen!

Yes! Joy made up the whole damn story! She told the Cops that a gray haired guy broke into her home, assaulted her and fled in a gray or silver SUV. Problem is, there was no bad guy, no crime and no SUV. Nothing.

That leaves us with the question: How in the world did Joy sustain these gun shot wounds then? Simple. She shot herself! I ain't makin' this shit up.

For whatever reason (the Police still don't know), the stoopid bitch fabricated the whole "home invasion" fairy tale then shot herself to make it look real. Just so you know, btw. Joy was taken to the hospital, treated and released. She's OK.

A Clue? 

According to WBIR-TV, after this whole fiasco was solved, Joy, Shooter of Self, is scheduled to turn herself in on previous DUI charges. Now, I think I know why Joy concocted such a wild tale in the first place.

Not only is she a Dumbass, she's a drunk, too! Whether or not the fake home invasion has anything to do with her DUI is purely speculation on my part. But! As a Former Professional Drinker, I can tell you that drunks do stoopid shit and it appears to me that Joy was seeking a little sympathy from the Jefferson County Justice System in regards to her DUI situation. That's just my opinion.

But there are other ways to show your remorse for driving while obliterated and possibly killing an innocent bystander or two.

From One Pro to Another

Judging by the facts in this case, I feel comfortable in saying that Joy has a drinking problem. And I don't mean, "I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, no problem". Just call me Captain Obvious.

But, Joy, Joy, Joy...tsk, tsk. Faking one crime to get a little sympathy for another ain't the way to go, sweetheart. Shooting yourself in an effort to cover up your lie is so blase. There are other avenues you could have pursued in your cry for help. Allow me to enlighten you, Joy.
  • Offer to pork all the cops who responded to your bogus 9-1-1 call. The results would have been the same. You would still be going to jail and you would have been the only one to get screwed. Of your own doing of course.
  • At you DUI sentencing, ask the Judge to join you for Happy Hour, your treat, at The Dew Drop In. Oh, yeah, tell him you'll call a cab for a ride home later. And give him a hummer under the table. Maybe he'll go light on you.
  • Prepare yourself to be "invaded" in ways you have seen only in "Women Behind Bars"-type movies on Skinemax at Night. 
Cue '70s Porn Music.


More Dead People Dumbassery!

Big Brother
My job in keeping this blog up and running is just a matter of me getting off my ass and writing something every day. That's the hard part. The easy part is, as I have mentioned a million times, finding a dumbass to write about. and as Luck would have it, this great experiment in Democracy with its 310 million plus residents provides an endless supply of dumbass material. three of the most common themes are drugs (namely pot), tattoos and dead people.

Dead people tend to make the headlines quite often actually. I have written several stories about the dumbassery that goes along with being dead, not that it's the dead guy's fault. For some Dead People Dumbassery, you can check this post about the dearly departed receiving Social Security benefits and other taxpayer-funded subsidies. On a related note, this guy was getting his monthly gubmint check like clockwork. I am sure he would appreciate that except for the fact that he's dead! And, lo and behold, today death again leads us to more dumbassery from the people put in charge of the department of Public Dumbassery and Stoopid Shit. I know that's going around the coffee cup to find the handle but it's worth the wait for today's Dumbassery From the Grave!! 

In Miami Gardens, Florida (Florida!!!), the city uses traffic light cameras to catch those hardened criminals who run red lights! As you know I am against violence unless it is totally necessary to the plot. Plot meet violence. Hence, I shall refer to traffic light cameras as "target practice". I absolutely do not endorse or encourage any dumbasses to sight in his .22 rifle on the local "target practice" in his town, but I live in New England and I can not report what I don't witness. I'm just sayin'. Back to Miami Gardens and the "target practice-using communists who run the place...Recently,  "target practice" caught a car breaking a traffic law at a local traffic intersection. :::SNAP::: The traffic light cam "target practice" did its "job" by catching this vicious resident violating City Law! Score one for the Commies. Almost. The car featured in the photo was the car of a dead woman! The decedent's family had already turned in the tags to her car and done all the Commie Bullshit a family's gotta do after a loved one dies. But the "target practice" doesn't lie! Look! There's the image of the car and it's driver right there! The one minor flaw in the photographic evidence of wrong doing is that the, once again, the lady who owned the car is graveyard dead. Has been for months. So now the City and the company who runs the "target practice" program in Miami Gardens (American Traffic Solutions, Inc.) are back tracking like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers doing the tango. Same old shit. "We're sorry...", "we'll take care off it for you..."...the usual crap.

Here's my take: Take down these fucking electronic invaders of my space and privacy and shove them up your collective ass, Miami Gardens! As far as American Traffic Solutions, inc., the program overseers, what I have in mind for them is against the law in Florida, so I'll refrain from comment o that except to say that it involves a ribeye steak rub on the body, alligators and other such fun, froth and frivolity. It is my firm belief that until these "target practices" are removed from traffic lights in Miami Gardens (bwahahahaha, I kill myself. Like that will ever happen!). Or until they somehow malfunction and are beyond repair and cost prohibitive to replace. Two words: target practice. I hope you know that I am just teasing about that part.

Kind of.


Sunday, May 20, 2012

Dumbass Week in Review - How I Survived a Coup d' Blog!

The Dumbass Horde Battle Flag - Never Surrender!
This was one weird ass week at Dumbass News. Things just seemed about a half a second out of sync with real time. Was it only me who felt that way? 

Other than being one step short of a Texas Two Step, this week was indeed quite different from your "normal" week at Dumbass News. bwahahahahahahahahahaha! I just made a funny! I used the words "normal"  and Dumbass News in the same sentence! har har har! And it's now stuck in the ether forever! GUFFAW!!!

Sorry, I lost my mind just for a moment. 

That's normal for me. 


The week started off innocently enough with a simple, heartfelt Happy Mothers Day from me, Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Then was the story of some Dumbass down in Texas trying to
rob a Police Station! The stoopid fuck is lucky that once the cops stopped laughing at him that they didn't have an "accidental" shooting in which he was the shoot-ee, or as the Cops in Texas called guys like this, "Target Practice".

Then was a Grammy-deserving performance by a guy busted for DUI. His stage was the back seat of a Police Cruiser! Dumbass News has video.


See what I mean? Nothing out of the ordinary...until I posted THIS Guest Post from a Canuckistani code named "Drive Thru Guy". DTG is a new blogger, about a month and a half into his blogging career and he has already garnered quite a following, so I thought that it would be nice and neighborly to steal some of his readers invite him to do a Guest Post on Dumbass News. The young man is a good writer and I was hoping to, as was done for me by some veteran bloggers when I first started writing about Dumbasses, steer some of you to his blog, lifeinthedrivethru. This was a popular post. Very popular.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks!

Drive Thru Guy had sent his minions to my blog, Dumbass News, in order to overthrow me, the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde! Treason! Sedition, I tell you! The situation was so dire that I almost declared Blogging Martial Law. It wasn't a pretty sight.

So, I wrote down my thoughts on being the victim of a coup d' blog. It was the most chilling moment of my blogging "career".

But DTG is Canadian, which is close to being Fwench, so the only weapon he brought to a Blog Fight was a white surrender flag.


But seriously, folks....It was a great pleasure (and worth a few extra page views, hahahahahaha) to have Drive Thru Guy share his view of the Dumbasses he sees every day while simply doing his job manning the drive thru window at a fast food joint in Eastern Canadia. I'm tellin' you that hungry Dumbasses are mother fuckers. Just ask DTG.

Anyway, thanks to Drive Thru Guy and his readers, some of whom who actually came back for more Dumbass News after reading his Guest Post, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that his customers, like mine, are nothing more than a blithering, slobbering, knuckle dragging horde of people I am happy to Fearlessly Lead.


Saturday, May 19, 2012

Teens Drink Anti-Freeze Coladas! No Rum Needed

Not as Good as Rum
BEST OF "DUMBASS NEWS", September 13, 2011

I seldom refer to teenagers as dumbasses when I do this blog. Teenagers do dumb shit all the time, simply because they are teenagers. You, me, the Pope, all God's children did stoopid stuff as teens. I only call today's teens dumbasses when it's necessary to the plot. In this story, it's necessary to the plot. Let me splain.

Two teenage boys in South Berwick, Maine pulled a dumbass stunt that rates a "10" on the Official Dumbass-O-Meter. the two boys, 15 and 16, went uninvited into a neighbor's garage and discovered some liquor bottles thinking that the bottles were full of hooch. Having already committed a trespassing offense, the duo decided to cop a buzz by taking a few shots of the "liquor". This where karma comes into play, being the bitch that karma can be. After having a number of belts, the boys got  buzz alright, but not from alcohol. Instead of a stash of booze, these two juvenile dipshits had imbibed anti-freeze! Yes, anti-freeze. As in Prestone. Now as a former professional drinker, I can tell you that there is a definite difference in appearance and taste between, say, whiskey and anti-freeze. I can also say that as a former professional drinker, that I never had the urge nor inclination to have a snort of anti-freeze or to break in to a neighbor's garage to steal his booze. I may have done so to steal his anti-freeze, but never his fire water. Hell, most of my neighbors would have gladly shared either their likker and/or anti-freeze with me. But, I digress.

Upon someone finding the two boys, the cops were called. Here's a piece of the story from the (local TV station) website: "Police were having a tough time getting any information out of the boys. When they went to the hospital to talk with them they were incoherent." Well slap me down with a wine cooler! Upon further investigation, it was learned what had happened and the kids were hospitalized and are expected to make a full recovery.
That is certainly good news.

Now you can understand why I have no problem in calling these two guys dumbasses. Or dumbfucks. Or stoopid shits. Or...nevermind, you get the idea. Some people in South Berwick are even calling for the home owner whose garage was left open to be prosecuted! Are. You. Shittin'. Me? If this couple of dickweeds weren't petty thieves (remember, they trespassed and stole from someone's garage), they wouldn't be in the shape they are in now! Their parents are the ones who should be excoriated (and spayed & neutered) for having raised two such mentally deficient teenage delinquents! When they recover from their stoopid-ity, make the little bastards get a job to reimburse any and all costs for the police, EMS people, hospital personnel, etc. who were obligated to respond to this act of two brain dead (no pun intended) idiots.

Do that or teach the ingorant fucks the difference between likker and anti-freeze. They'll like likker much better. Trust me.  :)


Friday, May 18, 2012

Killer Crack at Strip Joint

Deadly Weapon
The crack research staff here at Dumbass News is a dedicated group of Dumbasses who take their jobs very seriously. This crack research team consists of me. And Mrs. Fearless Leader. Even though we are called a crack research team, we do not research crack. Or cracks for that matter. We are not on crack either. But, we are a crack research team.

Mrs. Fearless Leader was doing some crack research (though not about crack) when she came upon a story that is as Dumbass worthy as any story can be. The story is about a man who died a crack death. that is to say, with a crack in his face. A butt crack. Mrs. Fearless Leader was not researching cracks when she found the story, the crack is, however, an integral part of the tale. (pun intended)

Remember: crack kills.

B.C. (Before Crack)

When most people die, it's usually because of old age or disease. How-so-ever, some people die in ways that even Stephen King couldn't come up with. I'm talking weird shit here.

Here's a quick rundown of some of the strange ways in which the Grim Reaper paid a visit to some most unfortunate folks:
  • Two guys were out in the desert doing a little target practice on some Saguaro cactus. One of the guys took aim with his shotgun and BLAM! The dude put a very large hole in the 25 foot tall Saguaro. The hole was large enough that it left the cactus unable to support itself. Then gravity took over and it fell. On the guy. And killed him. Grave. Yard. Dead.
  • It was 1277 and Pope John XXI wanted a new laboratory, so he ordered one to be built. Now, you'd think that with a ton of money at his disposal, The Pontiff's new lab would be made of the best and sturdiest of materials. I guess it wasn't because it fell on him and soon the white smoke was coming from the Vatican chimney announcing his successor. R.I.P. Il Papa.
  • In 1911, Jack Daniel (yes that Jack Daniel) forgot the combination to his safe. He then threw a temper tantrum and ended up kicking the safe. Soon thereafter he was dead from blood poisoning. 
Which brings us to Robert Gene White.

Now...the Crack

Robert died in a very strange but almost envious manner.

You see, Robert was at the Red Parrot Club  (NSFW Linkage!) in El Paso, Texas when he bought the farm. Just in case you didn't/couldn't check out the link, the Red Parrot is a strip joint. Robert was there looking at perky young hooters when he thought it would be a good idea to get a lap dance. As it turned out it was a lousy idea to get a lap dance.

This is where the crack comes in to play.

Smack dab in the middle of this intimate encounter with a stripper's butt Robert Gene White met his Maker. Keeled over right on the spot. Dead as a door nail. It appears that a massive coronary was the culprit. That must have been some ass on that stripper.

As a Former Professional Drinker and Friend to Strippers, I can honestly tell you that I have never heard of a guy having a fatal heart attack during a lap dance. I can tell you of times where fatal shootings and stabbings took place during a lap dance, but a heart attack? Not so much.

Questions Abound

As is the case with stuff like this, I have a question or two.
  • Is the stripper with the great ass guilty of a crime? Involuntary manslaughter caused by too much ass to the face, perhaps? Suffocation by hooters?
  • In instances like this, should strippers be required to know CPR or is giving a horny old bastard Vapor Lock just a hazard of the job?
  • Did she get to keep her tip?
According to the story, several members of the club's staff tried to revive Robert but it was too late. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

With a big smile on his face.

Moral of the story?

Crack kills. And what a way to go.



Thursday, May 17, 2012

A Drive Thru Guy Dumbass Coup?

I'll Find You, Drive Thru Guy!
Dumbass News News: Yesterday's guest post from Drive Thru Guy from lifeinthedrivethru was a smash hit with the Dumbass Horde! After such an explosive Dumbass Debut, I think DTG now has his sights set on becoming your next Fearless Leader! He's drunk on power! Drunk, I tell you! It was such a big deal that I shall now have to have Drive Thru Guy tracked down like a wild animal (he IS Canadian, so I repeat myself) and summarily de-gazebo'ed on sight! I have placed a bounty of nearly $1.98 American on those gazebos and I will not sleep until they have been dispatched! Upon said de-gazebo-ing, I shall have his newly-removed huevos (a little Meskin lingo there) wrapped in frozen polar bear shit and sent to the Penis Museum in Iceland! I. Ain't. Kiddin'. There really is a Dicks on Display Place in Iceland - just hit the link back  <----there. I will not divulge DTG's exact location, except to the De-Gazebo-ing Mercenaries, but I will say that he lives in an Eastern Canuckistani Province close enough to Iceland that it will exponentially simplify the gazebo-shipping process.

If you pass through Drive Thru Guys window, DO NOT attempt to de-gazebo him yourself. This is a job for well-trained de-gazebo-ers. I would feel responsible for any injuries you might incur while trying to knife DTG's nutsack. He is armed with a Top Secret Drive Thru Headset© that has more concealed weapons than Saddam Hussein, and is considered to be dangerous! Moreover, if you push Drive Thru Guy too far, he will spit in your food! He is a vicious, evil, maniacal fiend bent on overthrowing your Peace Loving Benevolent Fearless Leader and hocking a loogie (or as he calls it, "Secret Sauce") onto your fries!

The Truth

It is true that DTG's guest post was a well received by the Dumbass Horde and I was glad to have DTG share his wisdom with the not only the Dumbass Horde, but with the rest of humanity. His insight into the horrors of dealing with hungry Dumbasses at the Drive Thru should be a reminder to us all don't the fuck know! But it should remind us of something!

Super size THAT!


Video Dumbassery! Guy Arrested for DUI - Belts Out "Queen" Song!

I don't post a lot of video stuff on Dumbass News and I am remiss in my duties as Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde for not doing so. In the future, I shall try to expose more Dumbassery through the use of video. I promise. Lord knows I would have plenty of material simply by virtue of a) the sheer volume of video dumbassery available on the 3 Dub. (that means "www.") b) the infinite number of Dumbasses willing to be video'ed doing random acts of Dumbassery and c) Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde is a video freak. She finds some of the most amazing bullshit in the ether. As a matter of fact, she clued me in to what you are about to witness. Her YouTube Fu is strong.

Before I continue, I am obligated to issue a:

Dumbass Spew Alert! A Dumbass Spew Alert has been issued by the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. A Dumbass Spew Alert will be in effect for the next several minutes for all readers of this blog post. A Dumbass Spew Alert means that conditions are favorable for spewing any liquid you may be consuming while watching the following video Dumbassery all over your computer, computer monitor and/or other electronics within the immediate Spewing Area. You have been alerted!

Driving Under the Influence

The Dumbass in the following video insert was busted for drunk driving. Luckily, no one was hurt while the fucking dipshit was hammered and behind the wheel of an automobile.

Over eight million YouTube viewers can't be wrong.

How in the hell do I follow that?

I don't.


Wednesday, May 16, 2012

A Dumbass' Life In the Drive Thru - Guest Post

Guest Dumbass Post by Drive Thru Guy!

Yesterday I posted about some of the new blogs I have come across in recent weeks. One of them, lifeinthedrivethru, is manned by a young man in Canada codenamed "Drive Thru Guy". DTG, as all us hip, swingin', cool, mack daddy blogging stars call him, has been blogging for literally about 35 days or so. 

It was the title of his blog that caught my attention as I have worked in the food service biz before. I never held down a drive thru window, but I have waited a lot of tables and tended a lot of bar, and let me tell you hungry people can be SOB's. Drive Thru Guy captures the essence of what it's really like being on the receiving end of food orders from hungry dumbasses - hungry Canadian dumbasses at that!

So, hop in the passenger seat and let's hit the drive thru! Oh! And please make sure you have your order all thought out - Drive Thru Guy is picky that way.

Post by Drive Thru Guy
Drive Thru Guy?

Here's a recap of one of the dumbasses I dealt with today. Please be advised of the following two things:

1) I hate people like this, and 2) I think profanity and venting go hand-in-hand. Make no mistake, I'm venting here.

The headset goes off, alerting me that there's an order, "Hi, can I take your order?"

"Yeah, I'll get a number 2."

"Alright, did you want fries and cola with that?"

"No, just the sandwich." WELL THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING NUMBER 2 NOW IS IT? The number 2 suggests COMBO, otherwise it's just a burger, which.... isn't a number at all!

"Alright, is that everything?"

"That's one order."

Uhhh yeah, it SURE FUCKING IS! One that was clearly placed by a dumbass too! "How many orders do you have?" And why, oh WHY, can't people tell me they have multiple orders BEFORE they start placing them?


"Alright, go ahead with the second order."

The passenger is ordering this, as it's barely audible, which may not be the best idea if you prefer to actually get what you are asking for, but people do it all the time. It's like when it's raining and they crack their window an inch and a half and then talk through the glass, expecting me to hear them, but I digress. "I'll get a fiphishfiphishfip."

Hmmmm, all I know is, aside from a mean polar-bear-cub-pot-pie, we don't serve anything exotic here, "pardon me?"

Again we go through this nonsense of the passenger doing the talking and again I can't make it out. "Sorry, one more time?"

The driver finally clues in and YELLS it himself. "A number 6." It's about time you realize I'm wearing a headset, not a whisper 2000 and thanks ya muff taco.

Number 6. Oh sweet Jesus. NUMBER 6? Do I dare ask? I have to... "Did you want fries and cola with that?"


Oh, well pardon me! One of you two idiots doesn't understand the concept of a combo, and excuse me for thinking that maybe you wanted a caesar salad and juice to drink. "Alright, is that everything?"

"Yeah, that's it." Oh are you sure that's not just the SECOND order? Asshole. 

So I give him the totals and he drives up and pays. Then the driver, who I'd describe as a partially retarded Tarzan look-a-like looks up at me with his long wavy blonde hair, big dumb eyes and says "Is there extra ketchup in the bag?"

HELL NO! There'd have to be ORIGINAL ketchup in the bag before there could be EXTRA. Did you ask me for ketchup? NO! So of course there's no ketchup in the bag.... 
and to borrow from one of my favorite and first posts:

Why would we automatically assume you want ketchup? Do you know how much ketchup we would waste if we just gave it to everyone? We would bankrupt the world of tomatoes.

The last time you bought a pair of pants at the department store and were leaving the check out, did you look at the cashier and say “is there a belt in the bag?” NO!


Unfortunately, I HAVE to CHEERILY reply, "No, but I'll get you some!" <--- And that, my friends, is why I think profanity and venting go hand-in-hand!

Get Rich Quick by Hypnotizing Dumbasses!

You Are Getting Sleeeeeepy....
Boston. Beantown. At Least We Ain't New Yawk, But We Wish We Had That Many World Series Championships. Whatever you want to call it, Boston is a city that is as full of American history and tradition as any city in the country. Paul Revere, the Red Sawx, the Boston Tea Party and really exceptional Dumbasses - all part of Boston, baby.

For Example...

Chicanery in Chinatown

A 57 year old woman was in Boston's Chinatown doing a little grocery shopping when she was approached by three women. The women began asking the lady questions and after several minutes, one of the trio handed the shopper a plastic bag. They then instructed her to go home, fill the bag with a shit load of loot and meet them later at Boston Commons.

She did. The lady filled the bag with a valuable necklace, a jade bracelet, her passport and $160,000 in cash! The Nice Lady then proceeded to the Commons where she willfully handed over her life savings to the three con women. The Nice Lady is a Dumbass.

I feel the need to jump in here and make a point or two.

Point 1) I may be in the monority, but if three strange Asian women were to instruct me to go home and cram a couple of hundred large worth of cash and jewelry into a Wal Mart bag, I'd have a tendency to become a bit suspicious. That's just how I roll.

Point 2) IF I ever reach a point in my life where my mental condition deteriorates to the point that I would even consider doing something so blatantly STOOPID, I hereby authorize anyone reading this post to promptly and mercifully put a .45 hollowpoint into my skull. I thank you in advance.

Keep Your Eyes on the Shiny Object

This same kind of crime has happened twice since the one above and all of the sudden the (I am not making the name of this organization up) Chinese Progressive Association (Commies?) has alerted its members "to remain vigilant when approached by strangers". That's odd, I tell my 5 year old daughter the same thing. The difference is that she seems to get it.

The dumbass that heads up the Commies, I mean Chinese Progressive Association, says that he believes the victim was hypnotizedf by the three scammers. He backs this up with the solid evidence that his mother told him of thieves using hypnosis on their victims in his native Hong Kong. (No relation to King Kong or Donkey Kong)

That settles that! I gotta find me a How-to book on this Hypnotizing Dumbasses into Willingly Handing Over to Me Hundreds of Thousands of Dollars in Cash and Jewelry stuff. Then, I am moving to Boston. Chinatown specifically. Supply and demand. Beantown supplies the Dumbasses and the Dumbasses supply me - with millions of dollars!

Put. Me. In. Coach!

Other Etnic Groups

I see a potential trend here. If this kind of shit can be pulled on Asians, why not open up a market for Meskins, Eye-talians or Micks? Boston is a multi-cultural city after all. And I do not discriminate against any group. I don't care if you are the Mayor of Boston, if a person is a Dumbass (and from what I hear, the current mayor of Boston, Thomas "Mumbles" Menino is a Dumbass {and a Commie}) the person is a target, baby. And I aim to please.

America! What a country!



Tuesday, May 15, 2012

New Dumbass Bloggers! Fearless Leader Tested and Approved

Something I try, and often fail, to do every once in a while is to keep you up to date with the new blogs I discover during my never-ending search for the World's Best Dumbasses. Today, I have set aside time to recognize these sites, many of which are indeed very new blogs.

It wasn't that long ago that I walked in these guys' blogging shoes as someone who just wanted to write shit and hope someone besides my Mother read it. Before you know it, good things happen and, slowly but surely, people from all over the Earth find their way to your site. As of this writing, Dumbass News has been read by Dumbasses in 136 countries more than 62,000 times! I knew that there were a ton of Dumbasses out there, but Dumbasses from 136 countries bonding together to become a Community of Sick and Twisted Idiots that constitute the make up of the Dumbass Horde? You people are fucked up. And I say that with love in my heart. :)

A Fearless Leader Leads Fearlessly

As the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, it is incumbent upon me to ferret out not only the Dumbasses I write about every day, but to seek and promote Dumbasses that are making a difference in the Dumbass-o-sphere.

Following is a list of new additions to the "Dumbasses I Read" module in the left side bar of Dumbass News. I have read stuff from each of them and have deemed them to be Dumbass Worthy.

The Newest Dumbasses I Read (in alphabetical order)
  • Beef Blogonoff - Beef has been in the side bar for a while now and getting quite a bit of attention from Dumbasses everywhere. His take on things is, shall we say, "unique"? Funny too.
  • Beefy's House O' Fun  - Today's post at Beefy's? "Ode to Popcorn" What's not to like?
  • DiatribesAndOvations - When the tag line of a blog's title makes you chuckle, then that blog is for me. BTW, the full title, including the tag line is: DiatribesAndOvations (Because RantsAndRaves Was Already Taken). I like it.
  • fringewalk - fringewalk is the newest of the new. The first post is dated May 13. That's two days ago! Good luck, fringe!
  • lifeinthedrivethru - Drive Thru Guy, the blog's Head Honcho, just celebrated a very successful first month as a blogger. I found him when he was stoopid kind enough to leave a comment at Dumbass News. He works in the fast food world and tells some great stories about lifeinthedrivethru. He's Canadian, but I won't hold that against him. :)
  • Single People's Grocery Lists - This blog has been around for almost a year now, but I just found it about two weeks ago. Great premise and funny content. We can all relate.
  • STUPH BLOG - twindaddy runs the place. He's an IT Guy, so the blog is pretty fancy. I am jealous. He's also a damn good writer.
  • Team Pretentious - The people who run this blog are really smart Dumbasses. Funny as Hell also. 
I don't have any connections to any of these blogs/bloggers other than the fact that most of them have read my blog and I have read theirs. I hope you'll hit them up as often as possible and enjoy what they have to say. They are a pretty talented group.

Except for Beef Blogonoff. He's merely insane. :)

However, they are all, in their own way...


Future Prison Bitch Tries to Rob Police Station in Texas!

Prison Bitch-In-Waiting; His Name Rhymes w/ "Teeth On"
There are Dumbasses and then there are Dumbasses. The story that I am about to tell you about is one of the latter - a full tilt boogie Dumbass. And a Future Prison Bitch.

Every day, I write about the stoopid shit that people do. That's my job as Fearless Leader of the Dumabss Horde - to write about Dumbasses and the incredibly insane stunts they pull. The subject of today's post is the leader at the halfway pole in the race for Dumbass of the Year, 2012. And that is saying a whole lot.

What I Mean

I did two quick mouse clicks and accessed the archives to Dumbass News and randomly picked out someposts from three consecutive days. These three stories (Nekkid Maids in Lubbock , Woman Takes Dump on Interstate & 73 Year Old Granny Dope Dealer)were, until I cam across today's Dumbass, certainly receiving due consideration as Dumbass of the Year nominees. Not any more. The guy who stars in today's episode of Dumbass News smokes the competition like a cheap cigar when it comes to the DoY candidates thus far in 2012. But, there is hope! While today's Dumbass may be the Leader in the Clubhouse, it's not even June yet, so who knows what Dumbasses await us over the next six months?

Gimme All Your Money!

When I read those few words as reportedly used in the commission of an illegal act, I think of a bank robbery. Or of some dipshit knocking off a 7-11. Or even a simple mugging. Today, I would be wrong.

Let me splain.

In the Dallas-area town of Wilmer, Texas (it's near Hutchins...:) ) lives the Dumbass whose name will live on in Wilmer History long after his Earthly Demise. He will be forever known as the Dumbass Who Did the Stoopidest Thing in the Annals of Stoopid Things Done in Wilmer, Texas or Anywhere Else.

Keithan Manuel is an 18 year old Wilmer resident. From what could ascertain from the source article from CBS News, Keithan had had dealings with the Wilmer Police in the past. Anyway, Keithan (and who the hell names a kid "Keithan"? A Dumbass, that's who. So it looks like Keithan came across being an idiot genetically) went to the WPD to check on some information on an arrest warrant. Nothing dumbass about that.

Then Keithan opened his mouth.

Upon approaching the Police Clerk, did Keithan cheerfully greet the Clerk with a familiar Texas "Howdy!" Nope. How about a "Good morning/afternoonn. Not this time. Keithan, with all the youthful exhuberance he could muster said, "Give me all your money!" OFFICIAL DUMBASS REMINDER: Keithan just demanded money from an on-duty Police Officer right smack dab in the middle of the Wilmer (Texas) Police Department! Did I mention that he also told the clerk that he (Keithan) was carrying a pistol? And that his hands were wrapped up inside a white towel as if he were holding something (a pistol maybe?) there? I have now.

As a Texan, I can assure you without one scentilla of hesitation or doubt, that this is NOT a good thing to do at a Police Station in Texas. The Law Enforcement Community in Texas, especially small towns, consists of men and women whose close relationship to the people they serve is considered to be of paramount importance in helping them discharge their duties as sworn Peace Officers as smoothly as possible. Again, as a Texan, I can also state categorically that walking into a building occupied by fully armed and highly trained Texas cops demanding money and announcing that you are packing a rod as if trying to commit a robbery, is not only a dumbass thing to do, but it is also a good way to gain 10 - 12 extra pounds. Ten or tweleve pounds of .45 calibre hollow points that have, with great prejudice, been dispatched into to your torso courtesy of Messeurs Smith and Wesson.

He Was Joking!

Later, at the Dallas County Jail, Keithan told a local TV station that "I play like that all the time. I didn't thinl she would take it seriously". What a kidder that Keithan is! It's a cryin' shame that a young man can't even walk into a Police Station with what appears to be a weapon wrapped inside a towel, announce to the Police Clerk that he is armed, demand the clerk's money and then not have a good chortle with the Guys on Duty! What's the world coming to? 

To top it all off, Keithan (what a pussy name) now spends his days in the Dallas County Big House under a total of $300,000 bail wonder why can't the Wilmer (Texas) Police just have a sense of humor and what life in the Texas Department of Corrections holds for him. Prison bitch, anyone?

Where are Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson when you need them? Oh, wait. There's no money to be made in this case. Sad, ain't it?

Did I say how much I hated the name "Keithan"?


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