Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Chinese Lady Puts Grip on Man's Gazebos - He Dies! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Chinese Lady Puts Grip on Man's Gazebos - He Dies!

WARNING! Not Meant for Use on Gazebos
Death. It is as inevitable as Lindsay Lohan going to court. We will all face the Grim reaper one day and there ain't no escaping his Adios Grip.

When one departs this Earthly Veil of Tears, there are more "preferred ways to go than others. Really old and in your sleep comes to mind as not a bad way to go. Burning to death, on the other hand, doesn't come across as very appealing.

No matter the method of Biting the Big One, I think we all have our druthers about which road we travel to get to The Other Side.

For a man, his last moments before the Old Ashes to Ashes Routine, would be better spent if he were not given the Big Sendoff by way of having his gazebos squeezed until he expired.


Not too long ago in China, a woman rode her scooter into town so she could pick up her daughter from school. She spotted a parking space in front of a local store and was pulling in to park when the shop owner confronted her. He said to her, "Bitch, you can't park that shit in front of my store just so you can pick up that little Commie Kid of yours from school!" OK, I made the quote up, but you get the picture. The argument escalated and eventually the broad called her husband and her brother to "talk some sense" into the shop owner. They did just that. They "talked enough sense into him" that the poor guy was beat to shit by the two men. Somewhere in the melee, the woman became involved and grabbed the victim by the gazebos and squeezed them like an illegal alien squeezing the juice out of an orange at the Minute Maid factory in Florida. The old Chinese Vice Grip Hold on the nutsack was too much for the Squeezee and he passed out.

I can feel understand how that could happen.

The shop owner dude was taken to the hospital where he was treated for injuries consistent with having the dog snot beat of you and crushed gazebos.

He later died.

Please, Lord...

Keeling over from gazebo squeezure is not on my Top 10 List of Ways to Not Come Down for Breakfast. That sort of thing may be OK with some men (I am looking at YOU, homos in San Francisco), but where I come from, this is akin to having a massive coronary while "gettin' some". It. Just. Ain't. Right.

I am not trying to be sacrilegious here, but I have got to look it up to see if there is a Patron Saint of Such Things. If there is, he's my new favorite Saint. Sorry about that, Saint Peter.

Calf Fries

For the uninitiated, calf fries are steer gazebos. Many people enjoy eating them. I have never entertained that idea, but I have actually seen seemingly normal men and women partake of them. I have too much sympathy for the poor steer.

But not for the Killer Chinese Gazebo Squeezer. Die (in a metaphorical kind of way, bitch!) I'm sure that a stint in a nice country club-like Chinese prison will make you wish you were dead. Of having the area just south of your navel repeatedly violated by a former member of the Chinese Womens' Weight Lifting Team and a bamboo chute. I'm just sayin'.

Have a nice day!



  1. My wife is Chinese and I have warned her repeatedly the dumplings are off limits. That being said I think this woman should be charged with Testicular Homicide.


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