Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Dumbassisms - Dumbass Words of Wisdom! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Dumbassisms - Dumbass Words of Wisdom!

Learning From the Wise
I trust that you all had a kick ass but safe Memorial Day Weekend. I know we did here at the Dumbass Dome...except for "The Sleepover". One of my neighbors is a divorced Dad who like, sadly, millions of other Dads around the country see their kids only on weekends or whatever. Divorce is a bitch and nothing good can come from it except for the sudden loss of 130 pounds of ugly fat. And by "ugly fat" I mean the soon-to-be ex-wife.

Anyway...my neighbor has two little girls about the same ages as my two daughters. All four of these little girls really like each other a lot and are very fond of one another. Also, just like my neighbor the Dad, my kids see his kids when he does, so we have a double edged sword here. Do the kids visit Dad the Neighbor or have a sleepover at my house?

The Sleepover won.

Dammit.

All four of these little girls are great kids, but they are after all, kids. Girl kids. Ages 5 - 11. All in one small apartment. Together. Overnight. You see where this is going and believe you me, it went there.

I won't bore you with the details, but it was, shall we say, a hectic weekend. No we shall not say "hectic weekend", we shall say "tortuous weekend". However! I learned two very valuable lessons this weekend.

Lesson 1) Never again.
Lesson 2) I am a Dumbass.

Sayings

A couple of posts ago I mentioned that I am big on sayings. You know what I mean. Those witty one liners that makes so much sense you wonder, "Why the Hell didn't I think of that?"

A few days ago I got an email from a good friend of mine in Texas, who would like to remain anonymous, so I will refrain from telling you that his name is Ted Nicolai. So Ted my friend shoots me this email with all these cute one line observations on it and I would like to share some of them with you.

I shall call these witticisms "Dumbassisms". I would call them Tedisms, but the words "Ted" and "Dumbass" are interchangeable and I like the word "Dumbass" better than the word "Ted". If I liked "Ted" better, I would have named this blog "Ted News", but I didn't. Besides, everybody knows what a Dumbass is and nobody cares about what a Ted is. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Tedisms Dumbassisms
  • Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
  • Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
  • Only in America ......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  • Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
But Wait! There's More!
  • Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
  • Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
  • Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
 Finally
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I know the answer to the last one. It's to make the dishwashing liquid taste better! I thought everyone knew that. Geez.

I told you that the words "Ted" and "Dumbass" were interchangeable.

Ted.

I mean...

Dumbass.

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