Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Dumbassisms - Dumbass Words of Wisdom! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Dumbassisms - Dumbass Words of Wisdom!

Learning From the Wise
I trust that you all had a kick ass but safe Memorial Day Weekend. I know we did here at the Dumbass Dome...except for "The Sleepover". One of my neighbors is a divorced Dad who like, sadly, millions of other Dads around the country see their kids only on weekends or whatever. Divorce is a bitch and nothing good can come from it except for the sudden loss of 130 pounds of ugly fat. And by "ugly fat" I mean the soon-to-be ex-wife. neighbor has two little girls about the same ages as my two daughters. All four of these little girls really like each other a lot and are very fond of one another. Also, just like my neighbor the Dad, my kids see his kids when he does, so we have a double edged sword here. Do the kids visit Dad the Neighbor or have a sleepover at my house?

The Sleepover won.


All four of these little girls are great kids, but they are after all, kids. Girl kids. Ages 5 - 11. All in one small apartment. Together. Overnight. You see where this is going and believe you me, it went there.

I won't bore you with the details, but it was, shall we say, a hectic weekend. No we shall not say "hectic weekend", we shall say "tortuous weekend". However! I learned two very valuable lessons this weekend.

Lesson 1) Never again.
Lesson 2) I am a Dumbass.


A couple of posts ago I mentioned that I am big on sayings. You know what I mean. Those witty one liners that makes so much sense you wonder, "Why the Hell didn't I think of that?"

A few days ago I got an email from a good friend of mine in Texas, who would like to remain anonymous, so I will refrain from telling you that his name is Ted Nicolai. So Ted my friend shoots me this email with all these cute one line observations on it and I would like to share some of them with you.

I shall call these witticisms "Dumbassisms". I would call them Tedisms, but the words "Ted" and "Dumbass" are interchangeable and I like the word "Dumbass" better than the word "Ted". If I liked "Ted" better, I would have named this blog "Ted News", but I didn't. Besides, everybody knows what a Dumbass is and nobody cares about what a Ted is. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Tedisms Dumbassisms
  • Only in America drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
  • Only in America people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
  • Only in America banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  • Only in America we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
But Wait! There's More!
  • Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
  • Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
  • Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I know the answer to the last one. It's to make the dishwashing liquid taste better! I thought everyone knew that. Geez.

I told you that the words "Ted" and "Dumbass" were interchangeable.


I mean...


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