Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: July 2012 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Nekkid Motel Bidness is on the Rise in Florida

Git Nekkid
Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The economic funk that has engulfed the country over the last few years (how's that hope and change workin' out for you?) has hit some industries harder than others. My guess is that the ravel industry is being hit hard. I mean the price of a gallon of gas here in Maine is hovering between $3.50 and $4. I am not and economist, but that's gotta hurt a lot of bidness owners, especially the restaurant and hotel type deals.

That's exactly what has happened to a hotel owner in Florida. The economic downtown had him on the brink of shutting down his bidness. Then' like a good American during tough times, he came up with a solution to his problem.

Go nekkid!

The Real Fawlty Towers Resort Motel, 1-800-887-3870, Call 'em Today!
David Broad, not to confused with Stupid Broad and Broad Load, says he was this close || to putting padlocks on the doors of the hotel he manages, when the idea of going clothing optional came up and was decided to be worth the risk.

I am not sure about you, but where I come from "clothing optional" always means nekkid. And it's kinda funny that nekkid people like to hang around each other a lot. If Church was "clothing optional", except for the Priest or Minister of course, church buildings. mosques and synagogues would be splittin' at the seams with nekkid parishioners. I guess that would be OK with the Lord, because he sees us all the same way anyhow.

Back to Fawlty Towers Resort Motel, the nekkid hotel, the move to nekkididity has been a good one. They are no longer in danger of closing down because, like I said earlier, nekkid folks like to "hang out" (hahahahaha I kill  me) together, swimming, playing volleyball and doing the ring toss, if you know what I mean and I think you do. By the way, this is the area's only nekkid-if-you-wanna motel. No shit.

The Bottom Line

I wonder what would happen if other bidnesses followed to Nekkid Lead. It would certainly liven up a trip to the convenience store. Especially if it is manned by former strippers. Going to Sonic for a Foot Long would have new meaning.

Image the fun you could have with a trip to the fishing supply store if the employess were nekkid. The words "crank bait" and "plastic worm" conjure up some reall doozies of thoughts. How about a new game for fabulous prizes at Dunkin Donuts called Make a Donut Hole in the Dough where the nekkid Dunkin Donut girl would sling a ball of donut dough at nekkid male get the idea.

Donut holes anyone?


Monday, July 30, 2012

Swedish Dumbass Likes Sheep! A LOT!!!

Before I even get going I am gonna give "credit" to the HuffPuffingtonLibWeeniePost for this story, it was too good to pass up. It's pretty damn disgusting, so read further at your own peril.

I begin by saying that I am an animal lover. I like cats, dogs, squirrels, rabbits, pigs and so on and so forth. I also like cows - medium rare please. I just threw in that last part to piss off PETA and whatever other pussy animals rights organizations happen to read Dumbass News, especially after yesterday's post about the fallow dear and the animals rights Dumbasses.

I have had pets that I genuinely loved just like a member of the family. Ginger, my cocker spaniel when I was about 5 years old. Or Cuatro, my buddy bud bud in the early 90s. More recently, Clyde the Cat. Poor Clyde tried to challenge a big ass Buick traveling at 45 mph. The big ass Buick won that fight.

I do, however, have limits as to how familial I treat animals. I prefer that an animal treat me. Treat me to dinner that is. T-bone or a chili cheeseburger sounds good to me. Simply said, I will blow a critter to smithereens if it will feed me and my family. Suck on that PETA.

Things Are Different in Sweden

There's this funky old bastard in Sweden who "likes" wildlife to a fault. He likes them a lot, if you know what I mean and I think you do. His personal beast of choice is sheep.
Scandi Girlfriend w/ Swen's Baby

Let me splain.

Some Scandi Dumbass who works at a farm was cruisin' through the property when he noticed something unusual - an Old Guy standing behind a sheep - with his pants down - to his ankles. The Old Dumbass was apparently "having his way" with said sheep. The sheep could be overheard saying something, possibly
"Oooooohhh, Big Daa-aaa-aaa-dddyy". But that is just a rumor.

You won't believe this shit unless I quote directly from the HuffPo story: The witness said the alleged sheep rapist bound the sheep's back legs together to make it easier to commit the act, The Local reported.
It is unknown whether the sheep was injured during the act, which could be crucial to any arrest.
Sweden decriminalized sex with animals in 1944, but perpetrators can be tried for animal cruelty if the animal is deemed to have sustained injury.
Meanwhile, the suspect remains on the lam, but could be facing a more serious problem than just being arrested.
A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine last November found that men who have had sex with animals were twice as likely to develop penile cancer as those who stick with their own species. 

Does that mean that the President of the United States might have dick cancer? After all, he's been fucking a wookie for two decades or so now. I'm just askin'.

What to Do Here?

I could take this story in a hundred different directions at this point, but any of those would be sickening even for this blog! I mean I could:
  • Make some seriously funny, albeit very vulgar jokes about wool and female genitalia, but I won't.
  • I could even go so far as to inject a racial component into my observations, like Richard Pryor would, but I won't.
  • Ask what do you get when you cross a Scandi with a sheep...., but I won't.
See what I mean? I will, though, go this far: curly headed Swedish kids are living proof that Scandi men fuck woolly sheep. I know this to be true because a curly headed Scandi kids first word is "daa-aa-aa-aa-dy". I'm just sayin'.


Sunday, July 29, 2012

Fallow Deer & Dumbass Animal Rights Poosays

Best of Dumbass News

Today we'll explore the world of dumbass animal rights activists. In a recent post, I made my stance clear on "animal rights", whatever the frak that is. However, the "animal rights activists" in this case, who are nothing more than dumbasses with too much time on their hands, are soon-to-be prison bitches. Leon looks forward to meeting you idiots.
Deer. Burger.

Deer Animal Rights Asshats

Here's the deal: This guy in Oregon, Richard Bentley, raises Fallow deer for their meat. There's such a place about ten minutes from where I live. These Fallow deer look like they'd make excellent deerburgers. But I digress. So this Bentley guy raises these Fallow deer and guess what? A bunch of pussy "animal rights activists" decide that Mr. Bentley is a menace to society and since the law won't do anything about the travesty of legally raising Fallow deer, they will! So what do these Socialists "Free the Fallow Deer" (!) assholes decide to do? Hint: they decide not to build a campfire, sing "Kumbaya" and eat bean sprouts. They do, however, decide to potentially ruin Mr. Bentley's livelihood (and deer burgers) by removing a large section of his fence hoping that the deer will escape into the wild and be free! But the joke is on them! These are tame deer and  there were no deer on the property! bwahahahaha!!! The sad thing is that was also no property owner with a 12 gauge shotgun to greet these dumbasses with proper hospitality.

Due Process

The moral to the story is that if any of these "save the animals" sissies come onto your property illegally, shoot them in the ass with a shotgun shell full of rock salt. Or a Louisville Slugger to the skull, but that's just me. But in being hospitable to these dumbasses, remember to offer them a hot dog. Or a deerburger. Or a Louisville Slugger to the skull.


Fallow Deer & Shallow Dumbass Animal Rights Poosays

Today we'll explore the world of dumbass animal rights activists. In a recent post, I made my stance clear on "animal rights", whatever the frak that is. However, the "animal rights activists" in this case, who are nothing more than dumbasses with too much time on their hands, are soon-to-be prison bitches. Leon looks forward to meeting you idiots.
Deer. Burger.

Deer Animal Rights Asshats

Here's the deal: This guy in Oregon, Richard Bentley, raises Fallow deer for their meat. There's such a place about ten minutes from where I live. These Fallow deer look like they'd make excellent deerburgers. But I digress. So this Bentley guy raises these Fallow deer and guess what? A bunch of pussy "animal rights activists" decide that Mr. Bentley is a menace to society and since the law won't do anything about the travesty of legally raising Fallow deer, they will! So what do these Socialists "Free the Fallow Deer" (!) assholes decide to do? Hint: they decide not to build a campfire, sing "Kumbaya" and eat bean sprouts. They do, however, decide to potentially ruin Mr. Bentley's livelihood (and deer burgers) by removing a large section of his fence hoping that the deer will escape into the wild and be free! But the joke is on them! These are tame deer and  there were no deer on the property! bwahahahaha!!! The sad thing is that was also no property owner with a 12 gauge shotgun to greet these dumbasses with proper hospitality.

Due Process

The moral to the story is that if any of these "save the animals" sissies come onto your property illegally, shoot them in the ass with a shotgun shell full of rock salt. Or a Louisville Slugger to the skull, but that's just me. But in being hospitable to these dumbasses, remember to offer them a hot dog. Or a deerburger. Or a Louisville Slugger to the skull.


Saturday, July 28, 2012

Golf Team Does Nekkid Calendar; Cleans Balls First

Hits Balls Like Nothing Else

I have been in contact via Facebook with some long-time friends of mine back home in Texas who have kids starting college this fall. Their offspring will be attending fine universities like Texas A & M - Commerce and the University of Texas at Tyler. It's probably a good thing that my friends are very involved with their kids' education and helped the youngsters make a decision on the school that is right for them. My friends, and by extension their children, will be pleased that Bethany College in Kansas was not among their final choices of institutions of higher learning. Let me splain.

Not too long ago a few members of the men's golf team at Bethany posed for a calendar. This was, however, no ordinary calendar! These young men posed nekkid using golf clubs to cover their gazebos and "putters". Putzes. I have never posed for nekkid photos for a calendar or any other publication, but I used to be a scratch (no pun intended) golfer and I have gazebos. I therefore feel that I am qualified to inject (again no pun intended) my golfing and gazebo knowledge into this conversation.

When trying to conceal one's "putter" for a photo, one should not use a putter (the golf club) in order to do so. The blade, of the putter would only hide a small portion of a man's "putter". Unless he has a small "putter". One should also consider the loft of the club (the angle at which it connects to the shaft), (again no pun intended...OK...maybe the pun was intended on this one). A pitching wedge, for example, has a loft that would be unsatisfactory in hiding one's "putter". A 2 or 3 iron maybe, but not a wedge. My choice would be a driver or a Big Bertha. Both of these clubs have large heads (OK, ALL the puns were intended!) on them that would most likely cover all but the largest of "putters". Of course, a head cover ( I kill myself) would be the most effective non-club option, but apparently that wasn't one the choices for the photo shoot. For non-golfers, a club cover is a sock-like gizmo that fits over the club heads of the woods (bwahahahaha) in a set of golf clubs that protects the club head from the elements and scratches, etc. That's the way I see it anyway.

These young men, their gazebos and "putters" (the clubs and non-clubs versions), were suspended from the first three tournaments in conference play for their shenanigans. Not for posing nude for the calendar, but for using the words "Bethany College" on it.

From the UPI story: 
School officials said the picture did not violate athletic regulations but the caption bore the words Bethany College, which officials said was an inappropriate use of the institution's name. I just want to make sure they understand life choices and consequences." Well hell! That cleared that right up, didn't it? What would the staff at Bethany College do if one of their coeds was a stripper and wore a BC tank top while gettin' neekid? I'm just askin'.

The golf team bogeyed this one and ended up stymied by the college. Such are the water hazards of life for young people. And par for the course.


Friday, July 27, 2012

A New Milestone (and One on the Way!) for Dumbass News!

75,000 waiting to see their Fearless Leader.....
We have reached another milestone at Dumbass News! From our very first day and the Grand Opening Announcement to the unwanted removal of the Chiniese Dumbass' ying yang, we have now had over 75,000 page views from almost 30,000 unique visitors living in 141 countires around the Globe!

.....wondering who the guy in the funny hat is
 Your support, and obvious complete lack of decency and common sense, has been the backbone of Dumbass News since it's inception. Our next big feat will be the Second Anniversary of the blog on September 19, 2012. Or 100,000 page views, whichever comes first. I can assure you September 19 will be here well before 100,000 hits. Unless you Dumbasses go psycho and read these pages 10 - 20 times a day. And that would be fine by me. By all means click away.

In all sincerity, thank you all from the bottom of my pea-pickin' Dumbass heart. Your continued readership keeps me from going sane. :)

See you at 100,000 or September 19!


Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

Guy Pokes Other Men's Wimmin, Pays for It w/ His Penis

Dumbass Note: Dumbass News is now read by Dumbasses in 141 countries around the world!!! Our latest Dumbass follower is from Myanmar!

Strange things happen when the sun goes down. Like the old Charley Pride song says, "The snakes crawl at night..."

At night, criminals, mainly thieves and burglars, do their best work, taking anything from jewelry to penises...What?? Did I just type what I think I just typed? Upon further review, I did type what I thought I typed. I typed that thieves steal male sex organs.

Why in the name of Ron Jeremy would a thief want to to pilfer a penis? The reason that immediately springs to mind is that the current owner of the ding-a-ling did something very naughty with it. Kind of a screwy notion, huh? Well, maybe it's not as rock solid weird as you might think.

Let Me Splain.

Fei Lin, No Relation to Feng Shui, or Tina Fey for that matter,is a Dumbass. Apparently Linny, not of Lenny and Squiggy fame, likes the ladies. Even if the lady belongs to another man., like maybe Won Hung Lo. This is bad joo joo in China. Or Texas. Or Tennessee.

Anyway, Fi Fei Fo Fum was evidently Por-king some Chinese lovelies that were otherwise the significant others of some other guys, Egg Fu Yung among them. Egg Fu and Won Hung got wind of these dastardly deeds and prepared to exact their revenge on Fei Tina Peking Duc. And by "exact" I mean use an exacto knife on his Shang Hai.

Their plan was meticulously thought out and when the time came....

The Time That Came

One night after performing a little Hong Kong Phookey with another man's woman, Fuk Yu Silly went home and went to bed, falling into a deep REM sleep mode. Recognizing this as their moment to cut and run, the Bad Guys made their way into Far Out, Man's apartment and performed a penis-ectomy with the skill of a surgeon and the swiftness of a Ferrari.

They sliced Foo King Shits' willie off and leaving him no hope of being a "man" again, absconded with the cut-off cucumber! In other words, they stole the dude's dick! Giving a guy the old phallus filet is one thing, but to run off with his member also, is quite another.

It's just plain old rude!

Why Me?

To no one's surprise, Long Duc Dong is baffled by what happened to his peter. "What I do long for these ferrows to knifey rifey my manhood?" Or something like that. I took a little poetic license with the translation, but you get the picture.

The Rittle City by the Liver po-po think that revenge was a factor in the de-penis-ifying of Mr. Soprano. geez, ya think?

I don't really know where to go with this from here except to say, guys, keep your goober in your pants when it comes to another dude's chick. American Ginsu Guerrillas may not be nearly as nice as those wack chink dink defacers.

That is unless you'd like your new name to be No More Stiffy.


***Photo from***

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Mining Gold from Dog Poop! Now w/ Bonus Willie Nelson Story!

Today is one of those days, Folks. 

I am feeling pretty rough.

Allow me to relate a story Willie Nelson once told me as we were getting blasted while I interviewed him. I shall regale you with the Reader's Digest Version.

Willie's first love is music. Everything else comes in second place. Period. Now this kind of outlook can put a great deal of strain on a marriage, especially when one is married to Willie Hugh Nelson.

Anyway, Willie told me that on this particular night (now early the next morning), he was out playing poker or some shit and he came home commode huggin' drunk. His wife was kind enough to let Willie get in bed and crash into an alcoholic coma (as it were) for a little shut eye.

Needless to say the then-Mrs. Nelson was not especially happy about Willie's behavior at the time, so, God bless her, she did what any Texas woman with a drunk, philandering husband would do. She sewed him up in the bed sheet! Oh, wait, this gets a lot better, Dumbasses. Mrs. Willie then proceeded to find the nearest broom. Educational Note for Young People: Broom handles were made of wood back then. The same kind of wood Roy Hobbs used for his baseball bat in "The Natural". Hard, As, A. Rock

Batting Practice
So here's an extremely inebriated Willie Nelson sewn up in a bed sheet about to experience something that few men in History have lived through. A pissed off wife who sewed you into said bed sheet with a cement hard broom handle about to go Babe Ruth on your drunk ass. Simply put, Mrs. Willie beat the living dog shit out of the Red Headed Stranger at this, for Willie, most inopportune time. Babe Ruth hit 714 career home runs during his playing days. Mrs. Willie Nelson hit nearly 900, so it seemed to Willie, in just a few minutes.

That's how I feel today - like Mrs. Willie Nelson went Mickey Mantle on my skull.

Therefore, today I will re-post a story that is still getting quite a bit of attention from Dumbasses around the world. It's a steaming turd story of getting rich from dog shit.

You'll thank me later.


Best of Dumbass News

Takin' Shit & Gettin' Paid
OK, I admit it. The thought of this blog going down the toilet has crossed my mind from time to time. What seems like easy work to many people can be a very demanding task to those of us who are stoopid enough to write something that is hopefully clever and informative on a regular basis.

Alas, Dumbass News has gone to shit. Dog shit to be precise.

Let me drop the deuce on you. Metaphorically speaking of course.

Speaking of Tough Jobs

As taxing as it can be to come up with a good post every day, there are some jobs that make this one look like a walk in the park. The Doggie Park. Full of doggie doo doo. Bowser bombs. Poodle poop. Shih tzu shits.

I never really thought about it, I guess because I am not a pet owner, but all the Dog Parks and back yards in the country have got to be cleaned up every once in a while. Think about it. There are 78.2 million dogs in the United States and every last one of them has to make a doo doo at least a couple of times a day. That's a mess (ha ha) of canine crap. 30,000 tons a day or 10 million tons a year to be exact. Put another way, that's enough dog shit to fill up 3800 miles (267,500 big rigs) of fully loaded tractor-trailers ( lined up bumper to bumper from Boston to Seattle.

My Dad, a trucker for over forty years, is rolling over in his grave at the idea of hauling terrier turds from coast to coast.

Sorry, Dad.

There's Dough in That Thar Dog Dookey!

As I read the source article for this stinker of a post, I got to wondering, what kind of Dumbass would actually have a job removing dog shit from parks and yards all over the USA?

Very smart Dumbasses, that's what kind. These guys make a shit load of money.

All the information that I have given you today comes from a bidness named, I am not making this up, Doody Calls.  Other than the obvious pratfalls of cleaning up after Rover takes a healthy squat, Doody Calls provides a very valuable service to not only their clients, but to the rest of us as well. If not properly disposed of, poochy plops can leave behind germs and bacteria that cause heartworms, parvovirus, salmonella and e.coli! No shit.

I couldn't end this screed without relaying to you SOME "Fun Facts" about greyhound grunt. Shamelessly stolen from the Doody Calls web site are these little nuggets:
  • DoodyCalls scoops over 3 million poops a year!
  • Over 8,000 dogs are happy DoodyCalls customers!
  • We are the FIRST pet waste removal franchise in the WORLD! (ed.-I believe that!) 
  • How many scooped poops does it take to make it to the top of Mount Everest and back? 400,000! 

Not an Endorsement

I am not plugging the Doggie Doo Doo Guys for any other reason than they are knuckleheads who have taken a dirty job and turned it into a money-making enterprise that is good for them and the communities they serve. I will, however, urge you to read their web page  and see what all they have to say. It's really good shit.

Doody Calls. 



From the Most Loyal Dumbass, Beef Blogonoff, I present to you poop tarts!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Want to Make $60K per Year? Beg!

Hiya, Dumbasses! For today's story, I want you to take notes. Yes, notes. I am going to present to you a way to knock out about $5000 a month. That's 60 Large a year. get a pencil and paper, a cup of coffee, a poster bard and a Sharpie. This is going to be the easiest $60,000 a year you ever pulled in.

No, I am not selling anything nor am I asking you to buy anything. This is an honest to goodness safe and legal way to make a decent living doing nothing. By "nothing", I of course mean "panhandling". Begging. Asking people to give you money and you are obligated in no way to reciprocate the charity. You ask. They give. Easy, huh?


We have all seen these guys in towns and cities all across the country. You know the ones. The guy who looks like he last had a shower in 1962 holding a sign that says something like, "Need $$$$ for Gas and Food". Your friendly neighborhood WalMart store is a prime piece of real estate for these Dumbasses. So is a busy traffic intersection.

In my youth, I would be traveling somewhere in Texas on one of the Interstate Highways and see guys and gals standing on the side of the highway with people zipping by in automobiles at a 75 miles per hour clip. The hitch hiking Dumbass would be holding a small hand written sign that had his destination scribbled on it. For instance, I'd be headed south bound in I-35 from Dallas to Austin and some fool would be planted on the shoulder of the Interstate holding a piece of cardboard with the word "WACO" scribbled on it meaning he wanted to hitch a ride to Waco. I had a perfect answer for these maroons in the form of a bumper sticker that read "No Gas, No Grass, No Ass, No Ride". And I meant it, too.

I knew the lazy fuck would have no money, so that's one strike against him. Sometimes a hitcher would have a little weed to share so he'd hop in, we'd get high and he'd get to Waco. Women hitch hikers? I never expected nor wanted any ass from them, I just thought it was a funny way to end a bumper sticker's pithy saying. There weren't a helluva lot of females thumbing for rides, but if there was, I'd generally pull over and take her as far as I was going or to her destination, which ever was closer. If the chick looked like she was hungry, I'd stop and buy her something to eat and at the end of the ride slip her a few bucks and wish her good luck, wonder if she'd ever make it to where she was headed. I hope so.

Note Taking Time

I think I misspoke when I said get a pencil and paper earlier. I forgot for a moment that I am dealing with Dumbasses here. I meant to say "Get a crayon and some paper" with which to take notes. Or Doodle. Or eat the crayon. Like I give a shit.

Anyway, there's a guy named Shane Warren who never hits an honest lick (for you Yoopers, that means he's a shiftless bastard who doesn't have nor want a job) and brings home the bacon to the tune of sixty thousand dollars a year! Sixty. Grand. A. Year. Things could be worse here. What is it that allows Shane to rake in the cheese at this rate? He's a panhandler. A beggar. A lazy sonuvabitch. But a very successful lazy sonuvabitch.

This Dumbass does so well at making money of the generosity of others that, according to BusinessInsider, he makes about the same amount of money a year as an architect, appraiser or computer programmer analyst. This seems to bolster President YouDidn'tBuildThis' argument that the private sector is doing OK. Now if we could just get the welfare cheats (I am talking the cheaters here, not everybody on assistance) and other lazy asswipes to start begging from someone besides the gubmint, the economy would be so hot it would spit sparks moving forward.
Shane Warren, $60K/year Beggar

Oh, yeah. Each day that Shane spends begging for food and travel money, he pays $200 for a panhandling permit, which he says is no problem. No shit?

Wasted Money 

This story makes me think of my friends back home. People who went to trade school or college or something like that and have jobs that provide a service to their communities. People like Clay, who runs his own insurance agency. Or my dear sweet Anna (one of my favorite people EVER) who teaches Spanish and English to the white kids and Meskins. Or Joe the roofing guy, who is there in the hottest heat and the coldest cold repairing holes in roofs all over North Texas simply because people need it done - now. I think about these friends and about how they have sacrificed time and money helping others while guys like Shane Warren let others help him at a $5000 a month rate.

Some will say that Shane is a worthless dickweed sponging off the kindness of strangers while others will say he's brilliant and is doing nothing wrong or immoral. Shady? Maybe.

I say that he's got a great gig going on. He ain't forcin' anybody to throw some loose change in his direction, he's just holding up a sign. When the well runs dry, Shane will get thirsty and will find some other way to quench his parched throat. I say more power to him. He ain't rippin' off taxpayers and he ain't hurtin' kids. Plus he's carving out a pretty good existence for himself. I hope the IRS doesn't bust his ass.

What do you think? Is Shane a crook? A genius? An Asshole? Tell us in the comments.

Crook, genius, asshole...I don't know. But I do know that Shane Warren is my kind of guy.

A Dumbass.

***Photo courtesy***

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Dumbasses Now Have a Reason to Get Fat

It's almost 1:30PM, EDT and I have put up nothing new. Even you Dumbasses can see that.

I tell ya what I'm gonna do....

I know that there at least enough of you to have read this blog just under 75,000 times in total. By using basic math and the Law of Averages, I can accurately surmise that some of you are BIG people. By BIG I mean fat, lardass, heavy, have-another-chesseburger BIG people. Please understand that I ain't making light fun of you, Wide Load friend, I am about to do you a favor. Srsly.

Today I am gonna give you a reason to pack on a few pounds.

July is National Ice Cream Month!!!

National Ice Cream Month dates back to 1984 when July was so proclaimed by President Reagan.

Beer Belly Waiting to Happen
Read the rest of the story to get a flavor of what this special month is all about, including a History of Ice Cream, right here.

And then go on about ya bad self and start on your journey to Porkerdom!


Saturday, July 21, 2012

Dumbass Garden Tour Starring Fearless Leader!

This is what your Fearless Leader does when he is not busy blogging about Dumbasses. He does Dumbass Shit on his own!

Mrs. Fearless Leader was stoopid enough to let me give a tour of our little garden here at the Dumbass Dome. Besides my rugged good looks and masterful oratory, be prepared to experience gardening Dumbass Style!

You can go back to your Mom's basement now.

Dumbass. :)

Dumbass Busted for Humping Plastic Raft!

Edwin, Humper of Rafts
Best of Dumbass News

If you have read even a single post on this blog, you know that there are some real weird people on Planet earth. I mean some real weird people. I call them dumbasses as you well know. However, once in a while a dumbass comes to my attention that goes beyond dumbassery into the world of mentally challenged. Take today's dumbass for example.

There's a guy named Edwin Charles Tobergta who was recently busted for one of the most sickening and strange things I have ever heard of. His crime? Indecent exposure. But good ole Edwin was not committing just any form of showing his tallywhacker in public. He was caught performing a sex act on a, get this, "pink swimming pool accessory". It turns out that the "pink swimming accessory" was an inflatable raft. How a grown man has sexual activity with an inflatable swimming raft is beyond me, but Edwin was going hard and heavy at it. Thank God the story from UPI doesn't go into further detail. However, with the information provided we can deduct that Edwin is a bona fide dumbass. And a pervert. At first, Edwin tried to flee the cops but it's probably not easy to make a clean getaway with your ding dong stuck in a plastic raft. Even if Edwin had made his escape, it would be equally difficult to explain to others why your manhood is stuck in a "pink swimming accessory".

At this point I have some questions. Where in a swimming raft would Edwin put his pee pee in order to perform a sexual act? Second, does that mean that Edwin has a pencil dick? You get the picture. You also get nauseous just thinking about it. In the name of decency (of which this blog has none, even if we knew what it meant), I will not further elucidate.

What will be Edwin's next sexual conquest? Rubber duckies? Malibu Slut Barbie? Spaghetti-Os? I shall be vigilant in keeping up with this story by occasionally reading the online version of the Hamilton Journal News. I would hate to see Edwin made fun of or be assaulted, but that's Hamilton, Ohio for those you who would like to heap ridicule, scorn and brass knuckles upon Edwin Charles Tobergta.

On the other hand, Edwin's friends and family know exactly what to get him for Christmas.


Friday, July 20, 2012

They're Baaaaaaaack! Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

When I say this job is easy, I didn't know it would ever be this easy. Below you find a sampling of 25 flat funny newspaper headlines I came across on If you are in a location like work where laughing your ass off out loud would be, shall we say, "distracting", go to the toilet for a minute to read this post. If you are ROFFLMFAO in the can, your co-workers will think you are either on your cell phone (good) or slappin' the monkey. (bad). Regardless get ready for more shamelessly copied and pasted from

Remember, these are actual newspaper headlines from all around the country.

Two things. 1) Dad has a smile on his face. 2) Judging by the size of Susie's mouth, she wants to congratulate Dear Old Dad. I'm just sayin'.

Obviously that improvement hasn't made it into headline writing. Notice the byline? It's the Associated Press. "Nuff said.

Obama's package is big enough to have screwed the whole damn country. I'm turned off, too. One good thing though, Obama ain't got any balls.

The Lady is a Tramp.

 I know this to be true as I have faced many obstables in my life which led me to step in many steaming piles of horse shiite.

A lot of hookers play with Tiger's balls, too, Fearless Leader says.

 Many a man has hurt his wang while going deep.

What sound does a one armed man applauding make?  Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh. What's next, a guy with no legs giving a standing ovation?

Where do you expect it go? AlAnon?

The Nationagsujw;efuq  Football Leanjweivfjvqwjevv9

I have been to Boulder hundreds of times and am still amazed at what the women grow and where they grow it.

What can I say?

More Dead Ahead

I left out a few good ones for the sake of brevity, but you can see the rest of the Dumbass Headlines that are paired with these at BuzzFeed.

And if you should make the headlines, I hope it's for doing something extremely stoopid.  :)


Dumbass News Extra!  

Dumbass News Headlines is always a popular feature here on the blog. And since we are growing in popularity at such a rapid pace, I decided to throw in a few of the prvious Dumbass News Headlines posts from the first 22 months in the life of Dumbass News.

Here's a list of links to more Dumbass News Headlines 

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Dumbasses Unite!!! Sissy Fwench Canadians Try to Make Front Yard Garden Illegal!

I am pissed off. And this is not a good thing for the offending party. Especially if the offending party is a foreign entity, say, like a bunch of Dumbasses who run a city with all the gusto of your friendly neighborhood dictator. What 's even worse is that they are going after a guy's garden! I am from Texas and there are a few things that the gubmint don't jack with - a man's house or land, his family his horse, his awl well, his beer and his garden. If the story I am about to pass on to you happened back home in the Lone Star State, you could expect an armed standoff with the commies trying to fuck with a man's garden. A drunk, pissed off well-armed Texan is not an adversary one should expect to be very cordial.

To make matters worse, this ordeal is taking place in Canada. In Quebec Province. Drummondville, Quebec, Canada to be exact. In case you had for gotten or are not familiar with Quebec. It is Fwench Canadian. Very Fwench. And hoity toity. Holier than thou kinda stuff. Why do these Dumbasses think they are better than your average Canuck? Because they are of Fwench heritage! Now, I don't know about you, but if I were of Fwench blood, I would hide that fact like the Ancient Jews hid the Ark of the Covenant. From my perpsective, however, being Fwench is just another reason for me to blast these Dumbass-ois into oblivion. Metaphorically speaking of course.

Gubmint Gone Gonzo

Rather try to explain the deal. Here's the post in its entirety from :

Earlier this year, Josée Landry and Michel Beauchamp of Drummondville, Quebec planted the front yard of the future: a gorgeous and meticulously-maintained edible landscape full of healthy fruits and vegetables. Now they're being ordered by town officials to remove most of their gardens (town code states that a vegetable garden can't occupy more than 30% of the area of a front yard) in the next two weeks to make their yard conform with newly harmonized town code. Front yard kitchen gardens are not the problem; they're part of the solution to healthier and more sustainable communities.

You wanna see what the pussy town officials are pissing their Fwench panties over?

Sacre bleu!
Bleu Cheese! Blue berries! BTW, did you know that "sacre bleu" means "blue blood" in Fwench? "Blue blood" or "I am Fwench and I am a bitch ass Commie pussy who revels in the misery of others or ruining their lives because I live a miserable Fwench pussy existence".  I forget which is the  correct definition, but I'll go with the latter.

The Drummondville town officials are probably all wee wee'd up over this garden because they can't do something this cool and think that if they can't do it/have it, then nobody should! I mean, c'mon, what can a Fwench Canadian actually do except be a pussy or a bully? Nothing!

My Ideas

I have a couple of ideas that the gardeners should embrace.
  1. Kill all complaining neighbors. But only if they are Fwench Canadian. Like we say in Texas, "only kill people who deserve killin'". If that seems a bit harsh, then just send your little girl over to threaten to kick all the male members of the house asses. You'll see a white surrender flag go up quicker than a hiccup. Remember, Fwench people and their progeny are pussies.
  2. If there's no legal way out of this bullshit for the Garden Guys, they should have the World's Biggest Front Yard Garden Veggie and Fruit Sale in the History of Drummondville,Quebec, Fwench Canada, then follow Idea #1. Those pussies still need an ass kickin'.
  3. Follow whatever Dumbass Rules the Fwench Commie Town Officials dictate to you then open up an  Open Air Strip Club in place of the garden that has been removed.Wait. Scratch this idea. It will prolly gain Town Officials' approval. Still, strippers would be a nice addition to the cucumbers in the garden, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
  4. PETITION: Stop the War on Front Yard Vegetable Gardens Sign that petition. With the full power and wrath of the Dumbass Horde staring those Fwench Knob Slobberers  smack  dab in the eyeballs, they'll fold like a cheap tent. Or get beat up by little girls.
  5. Move to Texas.
Remember, Fellow Dumbasses: If they outlaw front yard  gardens, then only outlaws will have front yard gardens!

And Town Officials in Drummondville,Quebec, Fwench Pussy Canada can kiss my derriere.



Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Dumbass Felon Buys Illegal Gun Then Shoots Self in Genitals!

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

Beautiful words, those. That visionary statement is the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States. 

There are, of course, exceptions to the Amendment. Like convicted felons owning guns and that sort of thing.

Which brings us to today's story.

Big No No 

Tavares Donnell Colbert is one of the exceptions to the 2nd Amendment in which I alluded to earlier. He is a convicted felon having been found guilty of possession and intent to distribute a controlled substance. Therefore, no pistola for Senor Colbert.

But Mr. Colbert, being the Dumbass Drug Dealer and convicted asswipe that he is, has no desire nor compunction to obey the law. Hell, he just spent a stretch in the Big House, and I feel safe in saying that he probably didn't take any civics classes while he was locked up. But, I am merely speculating.

To further bolster my argument, let me fill you in on the fact that Tavvy-poo illegally bought a weapon off the street some where in Kansas.

This is where the fun begins.

The Fun 

From what I ascertain, Tav was planning his next big bidness venture in the Wonderful World of Narcotics Capitalism, when he thought it would be a good thing to test out his ill-gotten gun before actually committing a crime. So he got on Interstate 35, found a nice private place to bust a few caps.

If the Bullseye is the Belly Button, then Dumbass Shot Himself Near #3
Then he promptly shot himself in his Manhood.

My source story doesn't get specific about whether Tavares blasted himself in the gazebos or in Willie the One-Eyed Wonder Worm. As a member of the Male of the Species, I can unquestionably tell you that neither the gazebos nor Willie are the most preferred place in which to suffer a gunshot wound. Anytime. Especially at close range. That's gotta leave mark.

With his genitals now resembling shredded wheat, "T" drove himself to the hospital where he received emergency care for his ding-a-ling and his huevos. Plus! As an added bonus he also got a visit from the Oklahoma City Police Department. See, when injury by a firearm is involved in an ER visit, hospitals are required by law to notify law enforcement.

Upon seeing the evidence at hand (see what I did there?), the OKCPD did their duty and escorted Tavares Donnell Colbert to the OKC Facility for Dumbasses Who Shoot themselves in the nuts sack.TDC's next big adventure will include many years behind bars and an up close and very personal relationship with the Dumbass News Official Adopted Felon, Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams, iykwimaityd.

It appears that Prison Bitch-hood will suit Tavares well. Instead of testing an illegal firearm, he'll be testing "long barrelled "pistolas". And the elasticity of his bung hole.


Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Dumbass Steals Guns from FBI Car!

I start off this post with a familiar refrain, "there is no shortage of Dumbasses that make finding material for Dumbass News easy as pie." Today another group of Duimbasses is highlighted as being the most deserving idiots available in being honored (snicker, snicker) as Dumbasses of the Day.

The unique thing about this story is the fact that it has a "trickle down effect". By that I mean that it started with a Dumbass at the Top and oozed down to a couple of other Dumbasses involved in the incident.

Burglary of a Car

Here's the deal...Dumbass #1 broke into a car park in front of the car owner's house. He stole some shit. By shit I mean a submachine gun, assault rifle, shotgun and some other jazz. (The Jazz includes: a "Remington 870 shotgun, a Colt M16 and an H&K MP-5 submachine gun were missing from the trunk. A bulletproof vest and various magazines and ammunition also were gone." Thanks!) At this point, I am asking myself, "Fearless Leader Self, what kind of person would have all this military hardware in car while it is parked in his driveway?" I'll tell you what kind of person would have all this military hardware in car while it is parked in his driveway. An FBI Agent, that's what kind of person would have all this military hardware in car while it is parked in his driveway.

Will Trade for Pot
Enter "Trickle Down".

A Whole Lotta Tricklin' Goin' On Out There

Scatter Gun
Now Dumbass #1 meets up with his compadre, whom we'll call Dumbass #2 (clever, ain't I?), and gives him the pilfered loot. Now, I am not a felon nor do I play one on TV, but I'm thinkin' that if I do something this damn stoopid, I am gonna go Full Tilt Boogie Stoopid. Lead or follow, just get the hell outta my way.

Back to Dumbass this dumbfuck has all this stolen weaponry and is looking to ditch it as soon as possible. #2 takes all the guns and shit, spreads them all out on his bed and starts the sales process. By way of text messages! Now where have we heard about Dumbasses sending texts that end up gnawing their asses off? Oh, yeah, I remember. There's the story of the guy selling dope by texting and one of his messages ends up on 10 year old's cell phone. The 10 year old's Grandpa is a State Trooper! Hilarity ensues. The website, Texts From Last Night (NSFW) has some outstanding text messages in their archives.

Bureau Formal Wear
Quickly recapping, Dumbass #2 got the stolen shit from Dumbass #1 and is texting out his sales pitch to other Dumbasses. Finally, he make s a "bidness arrangement" with, you guessed it, Dumbass #3. #2 has several thousand dollars worth of military grade weapons and what does he get in return for them? $120 and an ounce of pot. Depending on the quality of the weed, it could go for as much as a few hundred dollars an o-z <---a little drug dealer lingo there. That adds up to maybe 500 bucks. Not only is #2 a Dumbass, he's a bad bidness man too.

Trickling Back Up   

Let the gurgling begin. Dumbass #3 screws up good enough to get busted and it was just a matter of time before Numbers 1 and 2 got popped and they did. That is what is called "climbing the ladder". Kind of like baseball, but instead of balls and strikes, we're dealing Dumbasses here. Also, there are no felonies in baseball. I think.

All three Dumbasses now face some serious Federal Pen time for stealing gubmint property and being in possession of guns they ain't supposed to be in possession of. It's just a matter of whether their new address will be in Sing Sing or Leavenworth.

Hopefully, our three actors will run into someone who can show 'em what a "sawed-off shotgun" is all about - our Dumbass News Adopted Felon Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams. When they "befriend" Leon, he'll show 'em what assault with a deadly weapon is all about.


Monday, July 16, 2012

Dumpster Diving Dumbass & Your Fearless Leader; What Do We Have in Common?

I have long proclaimed myself to be a Dumbass. I have done so for one simple reason. I AM a Dumbass! But, I am a genius Dumbass.

I'll prove it to you.

A few months ago I took the trash out to the dumpster here on the apartment complex grounds. I think it's time to do it again! bwahahahahahaha I kill me sometimes. At any rate, when I got to the dumpster there was a laptop computer laying on the ground next to the trash bin. The laptop wasn't covered in toxic waste or bird shit, so I picked it up and brought it home.

At the time I thought it would be a good thing to have around so I could take it apart and put it back together. A learning process, if you will. I wanted to learn to build a computer because I plan on building one soon. What the heck, huh?

Long story short, the discarded laptop laid around for a few months until about three weeks ago when my new Computer Whiz Neighbor came over to take a look at it. (Quick note: when I discovered the computer, it had no battery or power cord but it did have a messed up keyboard) So TJ the Computer Whiz Neighbor brought one of his laptop power cords over, plugged it in to the White Trash Laptop and PRESTO! The damn thing actually worked!

All TJ had to do was replace the hard drive with the HDD from my IBM laptop that Bailey the 5 Year Old destroyed by pouring finger nail polish remover all over the keyboard, therefore into the guts of the IBM as well. Add one USB keyboard and....

Guess which laptop I am now using as the "brains" of Dumbass News? Hint: It ain't the IBM. Yep, it's the cast aside Toshiba that I found at the dumpster all those months ago.

Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, Genius Dumbass.

I like the sound of that.

Best of Dumbass News

Finding material for this website is like taking candy from a baby. It's too easy.

There are dumbasses in every corner of the planet. For instance, take Alliance, Ohio, PLEASE! Hahahaha See? I am a dumbass, too. Now back to Alliance, Ohio. Not again! I am on a roll here. hahahaha I'll be here all week. Alliance, Ohio, a guy decides a nice evening of dumpster diving is in order. Maybe he had some last minute anniversary shopping to do and he was trying to get the perfect gift for his wife the easy way. By stealing. From a dumpster. In the middle of the night. From this information alone, I can deduce that the perpetrator, James Brienzo, is a dumbass.

Is That You, James?
The act of dumpster diving alone is not an indictment of being a dumbass. It's when you are dumpster diving and the sanitation company makes its nightly rounds to empty the dumpster and you are still in the dumpster that qualifies you as a dumbass. That's what happened to our boy James. In the middle of his late night White Trash Shopping Spree, James was somewhere in the day old donuts section when whirrrrrrr clllaaaannggg brrrrrrrrrruuuuuppp  suddenly he ends up in the business end of the sanitation truck! But James, like a Boy Scout, is prepared. He has a cell phone! James calls a friend who, in turn, calls the heat (cops). The heat locate the refuse truck that James is in through a GPS.

Technology is the shit!

The law gets to the truck and are unable to extricate James so, order the truck to the nearest dump, where James, along with the anniversary gift he was looking for, was dumped into the landfill and freed! He's in critical condition at local hospital, but the poor bastard is free. 

I have a suggestion for James and the rest of you who are considering a White Trash Shopping Spree in the middle of the night, Wal Mart is open 24 hours a day! Give it a try.


Sunday, July 15, 2012

Sweater Puppies - Mom Gives $10K Voucher to 7 Year Old for Boob Job!

Here's a little diddy I wrote a little over a year ago. It comes from the Dumbass News Overseas Dumbass Bureau, UK Division

Best of Dumbass News

These Puppies Need a Sweater
Boobs are wonderful things . I love boobs. They provide nourishment to millions of babies around the world as they have throughout history. They also make tremendous sweater puppies during the right time of year. Nothing like a tight sweater holdin' those puppies up and ogling like a pervert observing a wonder of Nature. But even boobs can be taken too far.

For example...there's a dumbass Mom in the UK who was thoughtful enough to give " her daughter Poppy a $10,000 voucher for breast augmentation surgery for her seventh birthday, UK tabloid Closer reports." Poppy, the daughter, is SEVEN years old and she's gonna have a rack. What the fuck is the dumbass mother thinking? There is one stipulation here. Poppy cannot get her boobs until she's 16. If she naturally develops large hooters on her own, Poppy will receive other great prizes like a computer. I have a sneaky feeling that if Poppy ends up with bigguns through the natural way, she'll end up on AOL showing them to horny men around the planet on her brand new computer!

Maybe Poppy's mom has some effect on her daughter when it comes to fake tits and such. From the article,
"The 50-year-old has supposedly dropped more than $800,000 on her own plastic surgeries and plans to have her daughter watch her next series of treatments, slated for later this year. Burge remarked, "I want Poppy to see what will happen. Some people think it's controversial and I get angry when strangers say I'm a bad mother because I don't think there's any harm in giving her this gift."She added, ( I am shocked!- ed.) "Poppy is a normal kid who is good at sports and loves playing outside. Girls don't want Snow White and Cinderella any more....I'm just supporting her and making her dreams come true." 

It's clear to me now. Fake knockers and and a few hundred grand on cosmetic surgery, on "normal kids", of course, will make them popular and successful in life. Or a hooker with fake ta-tas who is "good at sports and loves playing outside". I'll bet. 


Dumbass Fairy Tale - A Very Short Story

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Pucker Up, Dumbass :o

"X" marks the spot.

What a Week & A Dumbass Music Revue!

Wow! What a week for Dumbass News! The past several days have been some of the best ever for our little padded corner of the internet.

Armed with this information, which I carefully analyzed, I have come to two possible conclusions.
  1. There are enough Dumbasses in the 140 (and counting!) nations in which this blog is read to make it worthwhile to get up out of bed and write my guts out each day.  
  2. You are a bunch of mental midgets, it gets lonely down there in Mommy's basement and this is your only encounter with "reality". Well, this and the chain around your ankle that's attached to an "i" bolt in the basement floor are your only connections to "reality".
I lean heavily towards Conclusion Number 2. You are, after all, Dumbasses.

Either way, I am very grateful for you taking the time to look at the pretty pictures peruse the brilliance that occupies these very pages. For you Yoopers out there (like Krebs v Carnot)....oh, never mind, I ripped him a new asshole already. (Read the post, then regale yourself of the comments. It's worth the laugh)

Speaking of laughs...

Dumbass Music Day

Last monthe the "normal" people of the Earth celebrated World Music Day. So I figgered why not have a World Dumbass Music Day! We even coronated a King of Dumbass Music!
King of Dumbass Music

A one, an' a two an' a one, two, three...away we goooooooooo!!!!

For today's story we are going to inject a little culture into The Dumbass Horde Routine - a routine that normally includes heavy consumption of alcohol, a little Latin Lettuce, farting and scratching of gazebos. Then the weekend comes along and the real fun begins.

Our venture into culture involves music. Why music? Because today is World Music Day (WMD). According to Wikipedia, "The Fête de la Musique, also known as World Music Day, is a music festival taking place on June 21.World Music Day is a day on which the world celebrates the magical gift of music." And by "magical gift of music" they mean shit like Slim Whitman's "Una Paloma Blanca".

WMD was started in Fwance by an American musician, Joel Cohen. This Fete de la Musique is celebrated in over TWO countries worldwide! Actually World Music Day is duly feted in 32 (and counting) nations all over the globe.

Dumbass Bandstand continues here.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Cure for Erectile Dysfunction? Breastfeeding for Grown Men!

I am at an age (55) when physical maladies that also beset millions of other Dumbasses of similar Life Seniority have begun to manifest themselves upon my person.  I am mainly talking about My close friend Arthur Itis and his cousin Fi Bro Myalgia.

While these discomforts are quite unpleasant to deal with, I am thankful beyond words that I am not afflicted with something really serious like cancer, heart disease or God forbid, E.D. While some of my body parts function with limited success, others do exactly what they were designed to do, and for that I am most happy.

Dysfunctional Ding-a-ling 

There's a guy named Jeff from Parts Unknown, USA who says that he has problems with his pee pee. Jeff is only 34 years old, so this is indeed sad news for not only Jeff, but his better half, Michelle. It is great news, however, for Duracell or whoever manufactures the brand of batteries Michelle uses in her Battery Operated Boyfriend (BOB) when good ol' Jeff can't "tote the mail".

Jeff and Michelle have searched far and wide for something that will make Jeff's pecker "normal" again. I would assume that their search includes using hard-on medication like Viagra or Cialis. Quick aside: Why do the drug companies that produce pills that make a man's willie stand up like a Georgia pine for extended periods of time advise you to seek medical help if your erection lasts longer than four hours? I have never understood this. I am telling you right here and right now that if I ever find myself in need of medical assistance in achieving a woody and I consume one of these drugs to help me out, I am riding that baby to Kingdom Come if that's where it leads me. Medical attention indeed.

Jeff's "Medical Assistance" 

E D Symptom Alleviators
Brother Jeff has come up with a novel method of  alleviating the symptoms of his Erectile Dysfunction. He drinks his wife's breast milk! I am not making this up! 

The source for this story is the HuffandPuffnadBlowYourHouseDownington Post. Here's an  extra long excerpt that takes this tale beyond the limits of stoopid, straight into the World of Dumbass: Jeff and Michelle, who wish to have their last names withheld, have been incorporating breastfeeding into their sexual routine since a few months after the birth of their first child. The girl, now age 2, has stopped breastfeeding, but Michelle, 27, is now producing milk for the couple's 8-month-old son.
Jeff drinks his wife's milk "straight from the source." Not only do both partners find the process intensely erotic, but Jeff also says that it significantly alleviates his symptoms of erectile dysfunction.
The children have always received first priority when it comes to Michelle's milk supply, Jeff noted.
The couple will be featured on the season 3 premiere of 'Strange Sex.' However, when Jeff and Michelle first submitted an application, they were hoping to be featured for a different fetish: vampirism.
Vampirism is "exactly what it sounds like," Jeff said, though he added, "I do not need blood for sustenance."
For Michelle and Jeff, vampirism is by no means a gory experience. The bites Jeff would give Michelle would "essentially be like a scraped knee," with minimal amounts of blood.
The vampirism alleviated his ED symptoms "somewhat," Jeff said, but the two practiced it fairly infrequently, partially due to the risk of scarring.
What This Means     
After careful and studied contemplation on the matter at hand, I have come to the inescapable conclusion that Jeff and Michelle are Dumbasses.
What did you expect me to say? That these two freaks are merely "expressing themselves"? I think they are expressing themselves all right, expressing themselves in a way that screams, "We are two fucking psychotics!".  
Jeff, my man, go back to using the instant stiffy stuff. Drinking a nursing mother's Boob Juice  ain't cool, bro. I don't care if your thingy is hangin' there limp as an egg noodle that has been soaking in water for a week.
And that vampire gig? Bad joo joo.
Another thing, what are you gonna suck on when the "well" runs dry?
Never mind. I don't want to know.

Thanks to the HuffPo for not (yet) suing my ass off for using the long excerpt. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Dumbass Uses Blow Torch to Rid House of Spiders; Rids Himself of House Instead

Since I relocated the Dumbass Dome to Maine a shade over 6 years ago, summer has become my favorite time of year. Of  course summers up here are more comparable to spring time in Texas where I grew up. The average High/Low temperatures for this day of the year are 80/60. Not too shabby, huh?

Even, however, with the mild weather this time of year, the usual pratfalls of summer are evident. High humidity, sunrise at 4:30AM and of course the annual onslaught of bugs. While not nearly as buggy as Texas or other parts of the country during the summer, we still get our fair share of insects here in New England. Just like they do in Chico, Cal-ee-forn-ya.

Chico also has an abundance of Summer Time Dumbasses (STDs). Like Eiliya Maida.

Arachnid Assault

Normally, when a horde of bugs invade a home, The Orkin Guy is just a phone call away. On the other hand, some people take ridding their homes of insects into their own hands. Rather than call a professional exterminator, the Big E decided to save a few bucks and clear out a shit load of spiders that had made his casa their casa.

He should have called The Orkin Guy.

Let me splain.

Pest Control by Eiliya

OK, so these spiders pitched camp at Big E's pad and something had to be done about the situation. Enter the blow torch. And hilarity.

Big E grabbed his trusty spider killin' blow torch and accompanying propane when he went about the house blasting spiders with lethal precision. Until he got too close to some dried out plants. This is where hilarity and the obligatory house fire enter.

The thing is that E never saw it coming. Unbeknownst to him the plants ignited and begin to smolder which in turn set the the house ablaze! E went around to the front of the house to continue his arachnid eradication with the flame thrower completely unaware of the pending doom. His brother in law, however, saw smoke coming up from the house where E had just been bbq-ing bugs.

Five fire engines, one firetruck, an ambulance, a few volunteer firefighters and 25 Large (that's $25,000 for all of you Yoopers, and you know who you are) in in damage later, the fire was extinguished.


***Spider Men***
Naturally, I have a couple of questions that need, nay, demand answers!
  • First and most importantly, does Big E's Home Owner's insurance coverage carry a "Dumbass Clause" and if so, where can I get one? That's a query I'll have to ask my long time friend in Texas, Clay Money. Clay is a State Farm Agent down in Midlothian. Like a good neighbor State Farm Agent Clay Money is there. :) Clay, leave me a message on Facebook  about the "Dumbass Clause" inquiry. Thanks, amigo.
  • Next question, or as the Morons at Ace of Spades HQ, one of the best blogs on the Triple Dub (www.) with the smartest and funniest commenters (Morons) any where, say FYNQ . That's pronounced "fink" and stands for "fuck you next question". After writing that glowing review of the HQ and the Morons, I forgot the FYNQ. But it was a good one, dammit!
Before I get done here and head up to bed (it's10:45 PM, 7/11/2012) trying like hell, and failing miserably, to remember what the FYNQ was, I will ask the post-FYNQ FYNQ of The Big E: haven't you ever heard of using a broom to remove spider webs and then stomping the little bastards into fuzzy spots on the ground?



***Image from***

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