Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Dumbass Uses Blow Torch to Rid House of Spiders; Rids Himself of House Instead : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Dumbass Uses Blow Torch to Rid House of Spiders; Rids Himself of House Instead

Since I relocated the Dumbass Dome to Maine a shade over 6 years ago, summer has become my favorite time of year. Of  course summers up here are more comparable to spring time in Texas where I grew up. The average High/Low temperatures for this day of the year are 80/60. Not too shabby, huh?

Even, however, with the mild weather this time of year, the usual pratfalls of summer are evident. High humidity, sunrise at 4:30AM and of course the annual onslaught of bugs. While not nearly as buggy as Texas or other parts of the country during the summer, we still get our fair share of insects here in New England. Just like they do in Chico, Cal-ee-forn-ya.

Chico also has an abundance of Summer Time Dumbasses (STDs). Like Eiliya Maida.

Arachnid Assault

Normally, when a horde of bugs invade a home, The Orkin Guy is just a phone call away. On the other hand, some people take ridding their homes of insects into their own hands. Rather than call a professional exterminator, the Big E decided to save a few bucks and clear out a shit load of spiders that had made his casa their casa.

He should have called The Orkin Guy.

Let me splain.

Pest Control by Eiliya

OK, so these spiders pitched camp at Big E's pad and something had to be done about the situation. Enter the blow torch. And hilarity.

Big E grabbed his trusty spider killin' blow torch and accompanying propane when he went about the house blasting spiders with lethal precision. Until he got too close to some dried out plants. This is where hilarity and the obligatory house fire enter.

The thing is that E never saw it coming. Unbeknownst to him the plants ignited and begin to smolder which in turn set the the house ablaze! E went around to the front of the house to continue his arachnid eradication with the flame thrower completely unaware of the pending doom. His brother in law, however, saw smoke coming up from the house where E had just been bbq-ing bugs.

Five fire engines, one firetruck, an ambulance, a few volunteer firefighters and 25 Large (that's $25,000 for all of you Yoopers, and you know who you are) in in damage later, the fire was extinguished.


***Spider Men***
Naturally, I have a couple of questions that need, nay, demand answers!
  • First and most importantly, does Big E's Home Owner's insurance coverage carry a "Dumbass Clause" and if so, where can I get one? That's a query I'll have to ask my long time friend in Texas, Clay Money. Clay is a State Farm Agent down in Midlothian. Like a good neighbor State Farm Agent Clay Money is there. :) Clay, leave me a message on Facebook  about the "Dumbass Clause" inquiry. Thanks, amigo.
  • Next question, or as the Morons at Ace of Spades HQ, one of the best blogs on the Triple Dub (www.) with the smartest and funniest commenters (Morons) any where, say FYNQ . That's pronounced "fink" and stands for "fuck you next question". After writing that glowing review of the HQ and the Morons, I forgot the FYNQ. But it was a good one, dammit!
Before I get done here and head up to bed (it's10:45 PM, 7/11/2012) trying like hell, and failing miserably, to remember what the FYNQ was, I will ask the post-FYNQ FYNQ of The Big E: haven't you ever heard of using a broom to remove spider webs and then stomping the little bastards into fuzzy spots on the ground?



***Image from***


  1. Toby did I ever tell you I suffer from Baracknophobia? It's a fear of four more years.

  2. We Yoopers know damn well what "25 large" refers to.

    Pronounce "pasties", Dunderbluss... yeah, I thought so.

    1. Woops!I forgot the most important part of your comment. "Pasties" pronounced "payst-eez". Of course the strippers of Meechigan would necessarily need pasties. Have you seen the udders, I mean tits, on those chicks?

    2. Strippers wear "Pay-stees". You eat "Pass-tees". Duh.


    3. See K v C? Smokey is someone who makes sense.

  3. K v C...You must not have been educated in the Yoopers Public School System then. My neighbor, who married a female Yooper and spent several years on the U.P., told me that Yoopers use the word "large" for very few things, chief among them a "large" order of fries or a "large" beer. You are one of the lucky Yoopers who know what "25 Large" actually means. Then again, you are probably a transplant. Nobody on the U.P. is smart enough to know what "25 Large" means unless a) they ask a non-Native Meechigooseandgander for the definition or b) ask the question of their Uncle Guido who is certainly familiar with the term.

    As for you...thanks for the comment and spread the word - "25 Large Means 25 Thousand Dollars". With that statement right there, I have given you a project. Form a club called "25 Large" and go forth amongst Yoopers all over the U.P. evangelizing about "25 Large". It will be especially fun in the winter months when igloo-building and Mad Monkey Sex with polar bears are the preferred outdoors activities. See what fun you could have? Oh yeah! Don't forget to take along some "large" fries and "large" beers to these meetings of the "large" minds.

    "Large" Dumbass.


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