Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: August 2012 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Friday, August 31, 2012

Texas Mayor Killed by Pet Ass!

I promise you that I did not plan on this week being Strange Ways to Die Week. It just turned out that way for some weird reason.

Earlier, I wrote about a guy dressed in a ghillie suit at night setting up a Bigfoot hoax on the highway and getting creamed by a Toyota. He did not come down for breakfast.

Bad Ass Ass
Now some poor soul down in South Texas has been killed at the hands (hooves?) of his pet donkey! This guy wasn't just some Dumbass who was trying to schtoop an ass or something, he was the well-respected  Mayor of Hollywood Park, Texas.

Here's the story from in San Antonio: "The Atascosa County Sheriff’s Office said Wednesday that the death of Hollywood Park Mayor William “Bill” Bohlke appears to be an accident. Bohlke was 65.
Chief Deputy David Soward says Bohlke apparently was attacked Monday morning by a male, aggressive donkey he kept on the ranch.
Investigators say the donkey and several others are still on the property with other livestock.
"He loved his animals. He loved ranching," said Sandra Wilson.
According to the neighbor, Bohlke's wife was concerned when he didn't return to Hollywood Park after checking on his animals.
After dark, Wilson said several neighbors, jumped on all terrain vehicles and went looking for the Air Force veteran.
They found his truck still running hours after he was attacked."

Calls for Ass Control

It's difficult for me to poke fun at a guy who gets killed by a donkey apparently aggressive because of a female in heat, but getting sent to your reward by an ass looking for some female ass is not something you read about every day. Unless you live in Guatemala or some shit. Death by Donkey down there has seen a dramatic increase in recent years brought on by Global Warming-caused ass horniness. Why, animal rights pussies are even calling for ass control in many regions of Central America.

Screwing a donkey in Iran on the other hand is called "Tuesday night" by the rag heads over there.

OK, I confess. I made that part up. Except for the rag heads fucking donkeys in Iran. That shit really happens.

For now, at least ass control is off the table in Guatemala and other countries in the region. That all will change, however, when Juan Valdez is stomped into the Afterlife by that stupid burro he totes around the coffee plantation in Colombia. mark my words.

In the Meantime...

What's a Fearless Leader to do when some guy is randomly attacked an killed by a horny donkey? Make fun of the poor bastard?

Not this time.

I can however eviscerate the donkey.

What in the name of all that is Holy would cause a donkey, a pet donkey no less(!), to attack a human being? Are donkeys stoopid enough to think that a man would steal his female ass from him? Oh, wait. I just remembered Iranian donkey humping. This activity must have made its way around the worldwide donkey community, thus contributing to this erratic donkey behavior. Donkeys are devious that way. And so are horny Iranians.

What a bunch of asses.

Dumb asses.

Dumbass Setting Up Bigfoot Hoax on Hiway Gets Splattered by a Toyota

We have covered some very strange Dumbass Ways to Die here on Dumbass News and we'll do so again today, But, let us first review some of the stoopid ways that some of our Dearly Departed Dumbasses have left this veil of tears.

One example of a real good (unless you're dead person) to die is during sex. In one story, we found out about a woman who died doing the dirty deed with her husband. No she didn't bite the Big One having the Big O, she bit the bullet. Literally shot to death by her old man during some freaky Dirty Harry Sex Game. I have heard of sex weird ass sex toys, but a .45 ain't one of 'em.

Then there was the case of some Old Guy keeling over during a lap dance at the local Jiggle Joint, or the Titty Bar as some of you prefer.

Those dead Dumbasses have nothing on the guy we will be High (low?) lighting today.

Big Foot & A Weird Way to Die Go Together

We have also covered some Bigfoot stuff that is relevant to today's story in which a Bigfoot "researcher" actually uses moonshine to lure the legendary beast to within camera range. So far he has had no luck in sighting Bigfoot, but has had some legendary Saturday nights while alone in the woods with his hopes of a sighting and his hooch, which I understand provides one with some outstanding "sightings" of some sort. Like green snakes on the ceiling perhaps?

You may be asking yourself, "Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, just how the hell do getting sent to your Reward during sex, vapor locking at a strip club and drunk Bigfoot "researchers" tie in to day's excursion into the Shallow End of the gene pool and an untimely demise?

Let me splain.

Ghillie or Ghoulie?
Death and Sasquatch

Randy Lee Tenley of Kalispell, Montana was setting up a hoax Bigfoot sighting when he was killed. During the set up of he fake Bigfoot encounter on the night in question, Tenley was on the side of Highway 93 doing the hoax thing when he was struck by a car! It is my Considered Fearless Leader Bigfoot Hoax Expert Opinion that when a normal size man is struck by a motor vehicle doing 70 miles per hour or more, that he will instantly gain fame in the Darwin Awards category. In other words, Randy Lee Tenley was squashed like a ripe tomato while doing what he was doing.

Police suspect alcohol was involved. You don't say?

Here's the entire news brief from the Associated Press via the HuffPuffBigfootIsRealPost, "A man dressed in a military-style "ghillie" suit and apparently trying to provoke reports of a Bigfoot sighting in northwest Montana was struck by two cars and killed, authorities said.

The man was standing in the right-hand lane of U.S. Highway 93 south of Kalispell on Sunday night when he was hit by the first car, according to the Montana Highway Patrol. A second car hit the man as he lay in the roadway, authorities said.

Flathead County officials identified the man as Randy Lee Tenley, 44, of Kalispell. Trooper Jim Schneider said motives were ascertained during interviews with friends, and alcohol may have been a factor but investigators were awaiting tests.

Ghillie suits are a type of full-body clothing made to resemble heavy foliage and used to camouflage military snipers.

Tenley was struck by vehicles driven by two girls, ages 15 and 17, who were unable to stop in time, authorities said."

One Less Bell to Answer  

This accident sadly eliminates one of our Fellow Dumbasses from the Horde. But on the bright side, Randy Lee Tenley will no longer procreate given that he has assumed room temperature. Storm clouds, silver linings and all that. I am just a bit curious, however, about a couple of things.
  1. Why was it so important that Randy Lee dress up in a ghillie suit at night in order to perpetrate this little joke on the local citizenry? Oh, yeah. Alcohol "may have been involved. And if you read the Bigfoot story at the link above, you would know that alcohol is a very necessary tool in hunting down Bigfoot. Or at least getting drunk enough to "see" the beast.
  2. Why is it that drunk Dumbasses who do the best stoopid shit always have three names, like Randy Lee Tenley. Why ain't it ever some simple name such as John Smith? I want to know. Really. I do.
  3. Isn't there a decent strip club in Kalispell where Randy Lee could have gone to die? I mean getting a lap dance from a nekkid chick seems like an infinitely more "fun" way to buy the farm than to be obliterated by a couple of teenage girls in a Prius. Maybe I am wrong, because I have never died before and I am quite unwilling to find out which way is a more "pleasant" way to go. Although death by stripper appears to be more enticing. 
But, that's just how I roll. Unlike Randy Lee Tenley.



Thursday, August 30, 2012

Guy Blows 3 Times DUI Limit & Pees on Breathalyzer!

Thompson blew almost three times the legal breath-alcohol limit after smashing into an elderly woman's living room. Photo / File
***Photo from NZ Herald***

At last count, Dumbass News was being read by idiots nice folks in 142 countries around the globe. A few hundred of our fellow Dumbasses reside in New Zealand. I don't remember if we have ever had a story about a Kiwi Dumbass before or not.

So now, New Zealand, it's your turn in the spotlight because our Dumbass today is one of your own!

You can thank me for shining the disinfectant of sunlight upon the dregs of your civil society later.

Drunk Driving

On the surface this story appears to be a fairly routine drunk driving story. But if you dig a little deeper, you get the details that qualify this tale as a bit, shall we say, "unique"? No we shall not say "unique", we shall say stoopid as fuck.

Not only did the Dumbass in Question, 26 year old Ryan Scott Thompson of Christchurch, get wasted and drive an automobile, he drove said automobile into an old woman's house scaring the poor lady out of her wits. Luckily there were some neighbors who witnessed the accident and were able to come to the aid of the Little Old Lady and subdue the suspect until the cops got to the scene.
The New Zealand Herald picks up the story from there, "Thompson blew almost three times the legal breath-alcohol limit after smashing into Dawn Sanders' living room where she had been sitting moments earlier just after 10pm on July 23.

He pleaded guilty to all charges at his first appearance in the district court and was fined and ordered to pay $1500 in "emotional harm" reparation to Mrs Sanders
Neighbours who rushed to Mrs Sanders' aid detained the grossly intoxicated but uninjured Thompson until police arrived.
Police said he was unable to walk unaided or coherently answer questions.

After Thompson recorded a breath-alcohol reading of 1137mcg/L (Ed.- which means "drunk as fuck" in the American version) at the police station, a police officer was completing paperwork when he heard the sound of running water, according to the summary of facts."

That sound of running water? Thompson was caught pissing on the breathalyzer tubes at the police station! Now, to my way of thinking, taking a leak anywhere but in the Toilet at the Cop Shop precludes any claim of innocence or police misconduct. In other words, you have been busted, Dumbass! The Herald adds, "The 301 contaminated tubes had to be destroyed. (Ed.- Ya think?!)

Thompson admitted drinking and driving but was unable to offer any explanation. He was taken to Christchurch for detoxification.
Judge Graham Hubble disqualified Thompson from driving for nine months on the excess breath-alcohol charge and a concurrent three months on the careless use count.
He was fined $200 for wilful damage."

Questions and Comments Abound
  • "Disqualified from driving" for nine months? WTF? The guy blew a "drunk as fuck" on the Breathalyzer for Christchurch's sake! He ought to be disqualified from doing anything but nine months of Kiwi Prison Bitchery. In a homo prison.
  • Aside form the fact that the Dumbass crashed into a house, the dude nearly killed a Little Old Lady in the process, and he gets fined $1500? You're kidding, right, Judge Hubble? Right?
  • The Kiwis ain't nearly as Bad Ass as the Aussies. 
  • The "sound of running water" is too fucking funny.
  • Pissin' on the Drunk Detectors is also too fucking funny.
So, my dear Kiwi Dumbasses, you may now bask in your moment of glory. You have officially made it to Big Time when you have made it to Dumbass News. And when I say "Big Time" I mean you have hit rock bottom.

For your self-esteem and emotional well-being (and the fact that Judge Hubble still has a job) you should do your penance by donating a large sum of money through the PayPal Donate Button in the right sidebar to Dumbass News. I'll fly down and have a nice long talk with Judge Hubble. Over a couple of beers of course.

I know it would make me feel better. And "drunk as fuck".


Canadian Dumbass Gets Drunk Then Arrested, Misses Own Wedding Cuz He's in the Slammer

Best of Dumbass News

I get a big kick out of our Canadians friends when one of them pulls a stunt that's dumbass-worthy. In Canada, that's quite a feat because those hosers know how to do two things extremely well - drink and smoke pot. I don't say that in a negative way, a few years ago I would've fit right in with them. Besides, I don't have a passport and I'd need one to get across the border. Once I get a passport, I'd feel compelled do some serious "research" into the drunk and stoned Canadian Community. It's a tough job, but etc, etc, etc. I wonder if I could write it off as a business expense? I'd be drunk/baked blogging about my "research". "Research" like this could take two, three, maybe 5 years of unending drinking and smoking pot to come to an indisputable conclusion regarding the drunk and stoned Canadian Community. But, that's a risk Id be willing to take as long as it benefited the "scientific" community.

Now, let's get down to brass tacks. Until recently, Jonathan Atkinson was just an ordinary drunk and stoned dumbass Canadian. But, my main man Jon ratcheted up the dumbass to new, never-before-seen levels, even for a Canadian dumbass. On December 30, Jon got plastered and did the right thing and called a taxi to take him home.

Canadian Pacifier
Then, he fell asleep in the cab.

The cops were called, Jonathon  was arrested and the streets of Point Edward, Ontario were safe from one more drunk/stoned Canadian. This offense is an everyday Canadian dumbass occurrence so it's not really worth getting worked up over. You'll be happy to know that Jon was not about to let his fellow drunk/stoned Canadian mates down. Not only was Jon Boy put in the slammer 60 days, he missed his own wedding due to his incarceration!

 Jonny, dumbasses everywhere salute you for sticking to your drunk/stoned Canadian principles and missing out of what could have been the worst mistake of your life! No, dumbass, not for getting a 60 day jail term, but for getting a 60 day jail term and missing your own wedding!  Fuckin' A genius! I never missed one of my weddings by getting drunk/stoned and arrested. I had to get hammered to just show up at the wedding! Now that I think about it, I don't know who's the bigger dumbass, me or Jon. Him for missing his wedding or me for showing up to mine. Now, I'm depressed. I don't drink, but I need a beer.


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Dumbass Buys Sun! God Makes Nifty Profit

Best of Dumbass News!

One of the essential rules of economics is, regardless of what you intend to market, you've got to determine if there's a market for it. And damned if some dumbass lady in Spain didn't pick one of the most marketable products in the history of Man. The sun. Yup, that big bright yellow ball at the center of a our solar system. That sun.

Angeles Duran of the soggy Galicia region (which in Castillan Spanish means region of dumbasses) of Spain, went to a local notary public and registered El Sol as her own private property.This turn of events leads to several interesting preguntas (a little Espanol for you there). For instance, where did she get the deed to the sun? Is the deed to the sun one of those things Moses brought down with the Ten Commandments from Mount Sinai? Did God himself sign the deed over to Angeles the dumbass? And if He did, is Angeles the dumbass on hook for property taxes on the sun or did The Almighty sell it to her tax free? After a few billion years of owning the sun, did God just want to get a return on His investment? One other question is, what was the notary public drinking and/or smoking when he certified Angeles as the owner of the sun? Inquiring minds want to know. I have several more questions that come to mind, but they are borderline blasphemous, and I need to build up a little more credit with God, before I even think about asking them. Better safe than sorry, I always say.

My next question is more of the earthly nature. What the hell is this dumbass, Angeles, going to do with the sun now that she owns it? I bet you thought that was a rhetorical question, didn't you? Oh, hell no. Angeles the dumbass has it all figured out. According to an interview she conducted with El Mundo (The World), Angeles the dumbass owner of the sun said she now wants to slap a fee on everyone who uses the sun and give half of the proceeds to the Spanish government and 20 percent to the nation's pension fund. She would dedicate another 10 percent to research, another 10 percent to ending world hunger -- and would keep the remaining 10 percent herself. "It is time to start doing things the right way, if there is an idea for how to generate income and improve the economy and people's well being, why not do it?" she asked. It's a relief to see that this dumbass is a Liberal. I know she's a Liberal because she no sooner gain ownership of the sun, than she wants to levy a tax on its use. Remember, fee = tax.

If Angeles  succeeds in this scam, I get dibs on air.


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Woman Aims for Skunk, Shoots Dumbass Instead!

Boy hidee, I gotta tell you that we are loaded with Dumbasses today, folks. And when I say "loaded", I mean loaded as in a gun.

And it's funny you should ask, because this story revolves (pun intended) around a firearm. So, let's take aim at the Dumbasses in our story.


Where: College Station, Texas, home of Texas A & M University and the Aggie Nation. For those of you around the country, or the world for that matter, Aggies are a "special" breed of Texan. And by "special" I mean Natural Born Dumbasses. In Texas, we make fun of Aggies the way people in the Northeast make fun of the Irish or Polish or any other ethnic group. If you know a good Irish/Polish/Ethnic joke, simply insert the word "Aggie" for "Irish" or "Polish" or any ethnicity and you'll have the definition of an Aggie.

For example: How many Irish/Polish/Ethnic Group/Aggies does it take to get dinner? The answer is two (2). One to watch out for traffic.

See what I mean? That's an Aggie for you.


A skunk.


A Dumbass and his wife, co-starring a pistol.

The Problem

It seems as if this innocent skunk had wandered into the Dumbasses yard one night. So, he comes up with this Great Plan to Eradicate the Skunk Once and for All. This GPTETSOAFA would involve a pistola. let inject here the fact that Texans are rather proud of their firearms and their ability to use them as needed. This includes shooting spouses who are Dumbasses.

Let me splain.

I told you that the skunk was in the guy's yard and he says, "Honey! There's a skunk in the yard! let's go blast that little bastard to Kingdom Come!" The wife agrees. So she grabs a gun and outside they head searching for their unsuspecting prey. Skunks are unsuspecting because they are stoopid. But if you had a weapon like the spray a skunk can lay on you, you'd be unsuspecting too. But I digress.

Outside the couple goes and within a few seconds they spot the intruder, the skunk. Here's where a shitload of Dumbassery comes into play. For some reason, the Dumbass is gonna let his wife shoot the skunk rather than do it himself. Why, I don't know, but I do know that that is a decision that he will regret for the rest of his life. If he lives.

Aim This Way, Sweetie!

The Dumbass goes on the opposite side of the skunk from the lady with a loaded gun! "Just squeeze the trigger, Sugar Puss". So, Sugar Puss takes careful aim at her quarry, waits for just the right second and BAM! That's when the Dumbass felt a burning sensation in his belly. The burning sensation of a .45 calibre bullet!

The skunk got away. The guy hit the ground with a bullet in his gut.

I smell questions coming up here.

  • Why did he think that shooting a skunk was the way to get it rid of it? At a safe distance, (a skunk can spray from 7 to 15 feet, so 16 feet from the bidness end of the skunk is considered a safe distance) simply go outside, make a shit load of obnoxious noise, like the Aggie War Hymn, and the little stinker will haul ass outta there like somebody stuck a Roman Candle up his ass. ***I will caution you at this point, that stuffing a Roman candle up a skunk's ass is not a highly recommended activity. Loud noise will do just fine.***
  • Even though the Dumbass in Question is an Aggie, he should have known that standing in front of the business end of a .45 is not a good idea. Why would he do this?
  • Further exacerbating the situation is his encouraging the lady to shoot the skunk while he is in the line of fire. This, too, is highly suspect, if not deadly, behavior. Why would he do this?
  • After being struck in the abdomen by a large calibre handgun bullet, will this Aggie guy live long enough to learn a lesson from his Dumbassery?
  • Let's hope so.
  • Did this moron not realize that a dead skunk stinks just as bad as a live one can when provoked? That smell doesn't just dry up because the furry little fuck has assumed room temperature.
  • Who amongst us is stoopid enough to pick up a dead skunk and move it elsewhere? 
  • Not me.
There are probably another hundred or so questions that could be asked at this time, but I think we have covered the basics.

So there you have it, Dumbass Horde. The shallow end of the gene pool has reared its ugly head yet again and man faces death by Dumbassery. I just hope the guy recovers from his we can make up Aggie jokes about him.

Now you know what an Aggie is. It's just another word for ...


***Hat tip to Dumbass Matt Vaughn***

Florida & 9-1-1 Calls for Sex Always Fun!

It's always tons of fun when we get to go to Florida for some good old fashioned Dumbassery. It's even more fun when the act of Dumbassery involves a dumbass call to 9-1-1!

Especially when the call to 9-1-1 is for SEX!

Not a Female Cop in Sight
9-1-1 No-no

We here at Dumbass News pride ourselves in bringing you the best 9-1-1 Dumbassery to be found anywhere in the world. I think we have proven that with such outstanding 9-1-1 Dumbassery as the guy who call the emergency service to have some beer delivered. While I agree that being out of beer is indeed an emergency, 9-1-1 worthy it ain't. We have even featured a story where a 9-1-1 "health emergency" call lead to cops discovering 124 pot plants from where the call was placed. excellent Dumbassery indeed. Then there's the tale of a Dumbass who dialed 9-1-1 so the cops would come over and he would kick their asses. This did not work out well for the Dumbass.

You'll notice one very important topic missing from our roster of Dumbass 9-1-1 Call List. Care to venture a guess? Yes! S-E-X!

I haven't been layin' down on the job, it wasn't until I checked my email today that I finally got a story with a 9-1-1/Sex angle to it. And being ever-vigilant for such material, the minute my eagle eye spotted it, I loaded up the blogging tools and hit the keyboard running.

Hopin' for Humpin'

There's a horny Dumbass down in Tampa. of course that description could cover 80% of the Tampa area population, but this horny Dumbass wanted some lovin' so bad, he dialed 9-1-1 for it! Not once. Not twice. Not even three times. But this Dumbass punched up a 6-3-7-7! That's seven times 9-1-1!.

Now while an occasional call to Emergency Service for a blow job or some phone sex might be OK in some places around the country, in the F-L-A this is a large uh-uh. Nein nein. Nyet nyet. Non non. For the Yoopers in the Dumbass Horde, all the previous double words represent the word "no" in three, count 'em three foreign languages. Who says that Dumbass News ain't got no class? there's that word again. No.

Anyway, the Dumbass in Tampa, no relation to the Dumbass Protesters at the Republican Convention, hit up the Hillsborough County 9-1-1 folks seven times asking them to send over a female police officer so he could be handcuffed to play "Prison Bitch". Or something like that.

Not Amused

It goes without saying that the operators at 9-1-1 faled to see the humor or the unbridled hormonal rage the Dumbass was engaging in. So after the seventh time he called looking for female cop nooky, he was arrested for abusing the emergency system. Busted by big hairy 100% Male Police Officers.

No word on whether or not he solicited the Guy Cops or not.

I doubt it though. Because he's not a homo, he's a ...


Monday, August 27, 2012

From Louisiana: Live Blogging Tropical Storm Isaac!

My long-time friend James Ott lives in Louisiana and is live blogging, on The Lower 48 (Plus 2) the events surrounding Tropical Storm Isaac as it approaches Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Florida and/or Texas. Be sure to check in often as he gives you an eyewitness account of what is happening where he is!

Join James' first post as he describes Waiting for Isaac, August 2012!

Curiosity & the Dumbass; What Could Go Wrong?

Madison Skyline
The People's Republic of Madison is a very nice city. That is if you could chase off the Liberal weenies and Liberal weenie college kids at the University of Wisconsin who live there. Liberal weenie-ism, and by definition dumbassery, is a way of life in Madtown and today's story will show you just what kind of dumbass occupies this lovely burg.

Book Club Meeting 

A 31 year old woman, whose name is not mentioned in my source story, was attending a book club meeting recently when she got a little bit more than a review and nice discussion on the book in question, Communism for Dummies. Other than the book, there was something else at the meeting that caught the lady's eye. A 4-foot long ball python.

The snake was in an aquarium at the meeting place, the lady noticed it and thought "Oh, boy!. There's a 4-foot long ball python in that aquarium! Why don't I take it out of there!" So she did. She shouldn't have. Supposedly this dumbass bimbo had experience in handling snakes, but based on what happened next, I ain't so sure. I think maybe her experience with serpents was limited to a man's nether regions and rubber snakes used as props in her stripper routine. OK, I'm busted. I made up that last part about men's you-know-whats and stripping, although it sounds plausible to me.

The python took exception to being removed from its cozy little domicile and promptly bit the dumbass lady in the face! To my knowledge, once a python has a grip on something, it's not in any hurry to let go of it and this snake was no different than any other python. He latched on and had to be "persuaded" to let go. And by "persuaded" I mean shot with a Clint Eastwood size pistol. You caught me again. I made up the bit about the Clint Eastwood pistol. I did not, however, make up the part about the snake remaining attached to the broad's face. He was quite content. Did I tell you that pythons, even though not venomous, have teeth? They do. Lots of them. That's how they hold on to their prey until they can squeeze it until it's a lifeless lump. The dumbass lady wasn't hurt too bad and the snake's owner was able to remove it from the nosy dame's face.

Lesson Learned

One thing that came to mind upon reading this story was, why did the dumbass have to mess with the snake in the first place? But then again I don't like snakes, so it's a foreign concept to me. Also, if she had experience in handling snakes, how could she let it get within striking distance of her face? It may be just me, but if I'm holding a 4-foot snake of any kind, I am protecting two things (three, depending on how you count 'em): my face and my gazebos. After 55 years, I have grown quite fond of the two (three?) of them.

As I said, the lady wasn't seriously injured, but I am concerned about the health of the python. That broad could have been infected with some kind of livestock disease. Have you ever seen the corn-fed Liberal weenie women, especially the ones who go to book club meetings, in Madison? I have. In the mid-80s. And I haven't been back to town since. I'm just sayin'.


Sunday, August 26, 2012

Cop "Protects" Coke, "Serves" Squad Car!

Best of Dumbass News

My duty here at Dumbass News is to bring forth the most ludicrous stuff that people all over the world do. My insightful, spot on commentary is not just directed at Yankees, Californians and Liberals, but I repeat myself, but it is aimed at dumbasses all over the planet, bar none. Except for my Mother. At 73, she can still kick my ass. Besides, I am in her will. Enough said. And the Pope. Him, I leave alone. He's got connections. Now as far as your Mother goes, she's fair game. She does something stoopid and I get wind of it, she's toast. Sorry, I have a duty to uphold. Oh! One more guy I won't kick around is Billy Graham. I like Billy Graham, he's a good man. Let's review this...Mom, Il Papa (a little Eye-talian lingo there) and Billy Graham: off limits. Everybody else: fuck 'em. That's just how I roll.

Cop Shows His Magnum to Hookers 

Cops are normally verboten to ridicule, shame and belittle, but like everybody else (except for those mentioned above), if they screw up bad enough, they make Dumbass News just like any other poor schlub who's worthy of the "honor". Therefore..... is with great pleasure and a big na na na na na  sadness that I am compelled by my sworn, and I mean cussed at, not on a Bible, affirmation to bring you some funny shit horrific news regarding a Police Officer in Tampa, the F-L-A.

This particular officer, Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky, had a bad habit of having sex with his patrol car! I am reasonably certain that is a part of the Tampa Police Department of Shit Not to Do. But wait there more! He was paying off his hookers with cash and a little thing called cocaine. I am proud to say that Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky has hit the Dumbass Daily Double: Hookers and coke. I couldn't be more proud. Unless I found out one of my sons was serial killer of camel fuckers. Matthew as a cop, you can't do this shit. At least take the whores off in the woods to pork 'em and do a line of blow. Have you no shame man?

The Tampa PD conducted a secret internal investigation, but Matthew found out about it. Probably from one of his drug-infested cum buckets. When Matt learned of the nefarious attack on actions as a police officer, he became very angry. Angry enough that he threatened to shoot other cops who testified in a second Internal Affairs look-see. Matt resigned before he got the old heave ho.

Matthew Gets a Pension

Here's what chaps my ass about this story. Because this dumbass cop resigned before he got fired, he will still get a yearly pension of a little over $27,000. That's a helluve a gig if you can get it. Go to work in a city-provided vehicle, buy (or steal from the Evidence Room) some toot then get some "groceries" in the back seat of a city-owned car then get busted and still get over two grand a month for the rest of your life. Is the Tampa PD hiring? If so, I'm in.

Final Thoughts

What. The. Fuck? Are the Higher Ups at TPD in on this hooker and coke thing? I mean Hell, couldn't they at least recommended to have Matt's pension reduced or even revoked due to the Cop Screwing Hookers and Doing Cocaine Clause of his contract with the TPD? Moral turpitude or getting fook stains on the back seat of a cop car or something? I am at a loss for words here, folks. Almost.

Does anyone have the phone number for the Tampa Police Department? Or Matthew Dolitsky?


Saturday, August 25, 2012

Underwear as a Bank Robbing Tool!

Bank Robber Camo
Criminals are, by definition, dumbasses. Out of the billions of crimes committed around the world each day, when was the last time you heard of the "perfect crime"? Yeah, I know that against all odds some crooks get away with their crimes. The "not quite so perfect crimes" are ones where the bad guys get away with their misdeeds for a number of years, then one day the FBI knocks on their door and Freedom ain't so free any more.

I mean I can understand the fact that some idiot robs a 7-11 and gets away with it. Look at who works at a 7-11 these days - guys from Calcutta named "Bruce". No offense to guys from Calcutta named Bruce, but sometimes these fellows are new to our country and things between them and the cops can get lost in the translation.

This Ain't a 7-11

One crime that so many dumbasses attempt and think they can get off Scot Free is bank robbery. I have never understood this train of thought. Banks in the USA are probably the most surveilled locations in the world. I have seen banks whose structure was a mobile home. I don't know how common this is in 49 states, but I do know that in my home state of Texas, some very small towns actually have a bank housed in a mobile home. I ain't kiddin'.

Regardless, even these mobile home banks have very modern security systems. Just like any other bank, there are video cams every two feet overlooking every square inch of the place with the exception of the toilet.

So why would some dipshit think that he could rob a bank, move to Belize and live out his days on his ill-gotten gains? I just don't get it, yet every day some dumbass robs a bank thinking he'll be the first ever to elude the law. A safer bet would be that a Britney Spears marriage lasts a full week.

Skid Marks on the Disguise

Down in the Florida Keys, where the lifestyle is, how shall we say, "laid back", some stoned dumbass thought that it would be a really good idea to rob a bank. Aside from the fact that robbing a bank pisses off the best law enforcement people in the world (see:FBI, Dept of Treasury, etc), even if this shit for brains had the perfect plan, he was robbing a bank on an island! The word "island" to me indicates that the land the bank is located on is surrounded by water. I could be wrong, but in this case, I think I'm spot on.

You may, as I do when I learn of a story like this one, what exactly does a bank robber in the FLA Keys were for a disguise when he commits his felonious act? My first inclination is to think that he wears a Jimmy Buffett mask but that's just too passe for The Keys. My second choice for a bank robbing disguise in the Keys is ....underwear! this is a perfect ruse. Nobody in the Keys wears underwear, so chances are that a bank teller would freak out at the sight of some Fruit of the Looms.

A Note for the Teller 

The would-be felon did indeed go into the bank with underwear on his head and all intentions of ripping it off, going so far as to hand the teller a note saying, and I quote, "Give me what are the 20 and 50s". it is now clear why the draws (underwear) on the head trick wasn't such a big deal. While brilliant, the dumbass could have walked into the bank with a poster of his ID on it and not a soul would have noticed. The note he gave the teller fucked up the whole deal. The poor teller didn't know whether to shit or go blind. Instead, she laughed. A lot. OK, I made the laughing part up, but would it surprise you if the teller fell over from laughing so hard and she had an aneurism?

You know what's even better about this entire robbery? The teller was so confused by the note that the bad guy just gave up, turned around and split the scene. bwahahahahahahahaha!!! He was busted a few minutes later sans draws and now is serving time with a prison full of Florida Keys Homos that want to "drill baby drill".

The next question would be, "Boxers or briefs?". I'm just sayin'.


Beating Bullies with Algebra! - Guest Post by Beef Blogonoff²

When I was growing up I was one of the smallest kids in my class.

Did you ever see the ad about the skinny guy getting sand kicked in his face at the beach? Well I was the guy the skinny kid kicked sand at. So how did I survive the brutal jungle of the schoolyard slug fest? I used brains over brawn. Like the predators on the Serengeti plains bullies use the same techniques. They locate the weakest, and lamest and separate them from the herd. That meant nerds, freaks, fidgets, wimps, gimps, blimps, and other maladjusted misfits were targeted. After separation they were taunted, embarrassed, and beaten like a pinata till their guts spilled. The only option to avoid potential disembowelment is to confuse the enemy.

Bullies as a whole are not geniuses. Have you ever noticed their face when the teacher is trying to explain algebra? They look like they're constipated, and trying to launch a subway foot long turd. That is your goal to confuse him and get him to make that face. Swagger right up to him with an amusing demeanor and say “Yo Butch, I don't get that algebra crap do you?” Analysis of that statement reveals some important rules.
  • Rule #1) Know your enemy, it's imperative that you know their name. It establishes the fact that you are not a stranger, and you are gently forging a relationship. 
  • Rule #2) Be amusing, funny people put others at ease. 
  • Rule #3) Establish a common enemy, algebra is that enemy. 
  • Rule #4) Denigrate the common enemy. “Algebra is crap”. 
  • Rule #5) Don't linger, make your point and move on. Do this before his confusion subsides and he remembers that he wanted to bust you up like Rodney King was by the L.A. police. 
  • If you still can't get away clean there is one last resort. Say “Man I got a 0 on Mrs. Douchebags algebra exam. What did you get?” More than likely he did slightly better than that. This means he is not the dumbest ass in school. You have given his self esteem a boost and he feels proud about his new found intellectual superiority. Something he probably never felt before. Sure it may not be as much fun as tearing you up like a pit bull on a chihuahua, but it just may allow you to getaway unscathed. In fact he may have found a new friend. 
So my advice to you when confronted by bullies, “beat em with algebra.”

3x(y + z³) = 1.


***Be sure to drop by Beef's blog and see what he has to bitch about. It's some funny stuff***

Friday, August 24, 2012

Dumbass News Trifecta!

A Dumbass Salute to You!
Thank you Dumbasses in 142 countries around the world for making the last two weeks the best ever for Dumbass News! I truly believe that because you are a tasteless bastard living in your mother's basement, or you are a fucking alcohol addled hobo getting free WiFi from the library located near your cardboard box "shelter", it is you that has put this blog in its current bottom feeding almost lofty status. Then again, it is my brilliant, incisive observations, or as my late Dad used to say, bullshit, that brings us all together. On the other hand, your continued support has proven to me that you are an honest-to-God mentally defective degenerate. I say that with love, so hit the Tip Jar (the "Donate" button) in the top right sidebar. I need the money. Shoot me some cheese dammit.

Enough with the touchy, feely shit. Let's get down to bidness.


As usual for a weekend, here are some oldies but goodies that you or, more likely, the thousands of new Dumbasses that haven't had a chance to read, in which case you either can't read or you are too lazy to find the stories on your own.

One more's a Special Dumbass Shout Out to Brenda somewhere in Arkansas. She and I had a nice email exchange regarding a question about one of my posts. Judging by the way Brenda writes and some of the things she wrote in our email conversation, she is definitely Dumbass Worthy. Ooooooooooooooooooooooo pig sooey!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Flaming Feminine Pad Attack!

Best of Dumbass News

From the "Just When You Think Things Couldn't Get Weirder But They Do Department". 

There has been some really strange stuff posted on Dumbass News over the life of the blog, and just when you think it'll be a while before you see anything more stoopid than what's already been posted, a dumbass from somewhere in the world will do something that leaves you in disbelief. 

Think about it. Just yesterday I wrote a story about a Los Angeles cop who appeared in a porn movie. While on duty and in uniform! At the time I thought "This is gonna be tough to top. I may be waiting for months before a story this good comes along again." I was wrong. It took a whole day for it to happen. A whole stinkin' twenty four hours!

Add to the cop in the XXX movie stories about a guy who doo doo dives in port-o-potties, a drunk female dumbass who attacked a cop with a sex toy and a mailman who wanted to cheer a young lady up by delivering her mail while neekid and you barely scratch the surface of the dumbassery that has appeared on these pixels.

Dumbass of the Year for 2012 Candidate

As a former Professional Drinker, I can tell you with great certainty that booze can make people do some stoopid shit. I have done some of it myself and I have witnessed enough drunken dumbassery to write a dozen books. You gotta trust me on this one. :)

Case in point: two young dumbasses in Pennsylvania got into some sort of bullshit with a friend of theirs on Facebook. Upon determining that the girl in this pair had been wronged in some way by the Facebook Guy, our Dynamic Duo of Dumbasses decided that some sort of retribution for this perceived offense was in order for Facebook Guy. So they went looking for him. And found him. At a bar. What could possibly go wrong? Weeeeelllll, let me tell you...

After imbibing several adult beverages each, Patricia and Quentin (the 2 dumbasses) came up with a dandy plan to exact their revenge on Facebook Guy. They decided to vandalize his car. Nothing new there. This kind of thing happens all the time. But! It's not the fact that Pat and Quentin wanted to trash Facebook Guy's car, it's how they went about doing it that shoots this story straight into the Dumbass Stratosphere. 

After busting out all the windows, the couple then managed to get the hood on FB Guy's ride opened and began ripping out wires and cables and all kinds of other car parts necessary to the proper operation of an internal combustion engine. At this point the car is of course disabled and thoroughly beat to shit. It is at this juncture that P & Q figured that the car (and Facebook Guy) had not suffered enough. Enter one of the best displays of dumbassery in the history of mankind. Patricia, being a young woman and all, somehow came up with a tampon. And what better way for a drunk, mentally unstable young woman bent on revenge to use a tampon than to set it aflame and try to stuff it down the oil spout on the motor of Facebook Guy's car hoping to blow it to Kingdom Come! This sheer Dumbass Genius! Except for one thing.

The One Thing

Now, this is where alcohol comes into play. While firing up the tampon to use as a way to set the car on fire was a brilliant idea, putting it down the oil spout wasn't such a bright thing to do. In my humble opinion as a guy who has started many fires in unorthodox ways, I believe our two dumbasses would have been far more successful had they 1) been sober and 2) inserted the flaming tampon into the gas tank. Sure oil will ignite when exposed to a flame, but it's nowhere near as combustible as a tank full of 92 octane gasoline. Why do you think there's a law against smoking while fueling up your car? That's right. One tiny spark could very easily lead to one big BOOM!

Despite overlooking the difference in the volatility of motor oil versus gasoline, I commend these two mental midgets on a job almost well done. Well done just like they would have been had they not been too inebriated to do the job right! Drunk, stoopid and BBQ'ed is no way to go through life, you two. Still, I am awestruck at the virtuosity of the "Old Flaming Tampon to Blow Up Facebook Guy's Automobile Trick." Pure Mozart, I tell you. A masterpiece of unbridled dumbassery.

Flaming Tampons. Sounds like a punk rock band, doesn't it?


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Dumbass Breaks into House, Licks TV Remote Control....Bail Set at $250,000!

Baltimore, Maryland. Founded on July 30, 1729 and named after Lord Baltimore, Cecilius Calvert. famous for crab cakes, the Major League Baseball Balitmore Orioles, being too close to Washington, DC and Dumbasses.

Many of Baltimore's citizens are natural born Dumbasses born with speech impediments that cause them to call the city "Balmer" or some messed up shit like that. But none of these speech impeded Dumbasses can hold a candle to the Maryland Master of Dumbassery (MMD), Russell Neff.

At first glance Russell Neff looks like any 22 year old Dumbass patrolling the streets of BalmyasHell, but that is far from the case.

Russell Neff, Remote Licker
Lucy, I got some splainin' to do.

Russ and the Remote has the story for us: "Officials on the Eastern Shore arrested a 22-year-old man after they said he broke into a home in Salisbury, stripped down to his underwear and began cooking a chicken pot pie in the victim's kitchen.

Russell Neff, 22, of Salisbury, was arrested Wednesday after Wicomico County sheriff's deputies said he broke into a home in the 100 block of Civic Avenue.
The homeowner told deputies that he ran upstairs after Neff began beating on his front door around 10:30 p.m.

Neff eventually got into the home, where police said they found him sitting in a chair in the living room in only his underwear, licking the homeowner's TV remote control. Investigators said Neff was also in the process of cooking himself a chicken pot pie that he had found in the kitchen.

The Sheriff's Office said Neff resisted arrest but was eventually taken into custody and charged with burglary, theft of a chicken pot pie, malicious destruction of property and resisting arrest.
He's currently at the county detention center with bail set at $250,000.

The homeowner told police he did not know Neff before the incident".

Question Time!
  • First, a quarter of a million dollar bail? Really? Hell, the Playboy Playmate who smuggled a live human bean into the country from Canadiastan got hit with only a $10 Large I think) bail. Oh, well.
  • Why did Russy-poo even break into the house? For a chicken pot pie? next time try for a T-Bone, Dumbass. Or Vodka. Vodka is always better than a pot pie.
  • If the State of Maryland didn't have such Commie gun control laws (look it up), then Russel Neff would be eating daisies right now. And deservedly so. Fuck him. A man's home is his castle.
  • Licking a TV remote? What? Maybe it was dipped in tater juice. (OK Yoopers, "tater juice" is vodka)
  • Watching TV in his underwear? I must amend a previous statement: Russell Neff would be eating daisies in his underwear.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Dumbass Busted for DUI on Bull Dozer!

Every story I write about on this blog has earned the right to call itself Dumbass News-worthy. But there is the occasional tale that is tailor-made for this blog like John Wayne was made to be a Cowboy. You know the kind of story I am talking about. One so perfect that you almost have to question its authenticity. That's how the following story is. Hand meet glove. Enuff said.

Would you be surprised if I told you this perfect Dumbass story involved alcohol? And a guy with three names? And a bulldozer?

I didn't think so.

B. U. I. (Bulldozing Under the Influence) 

Cody Ray Gibbs had already been cited for DUI once before. He thought he was safe from a second one, so he went out and got tanked up with his buddies and finally it was time to go home. On the bulldozer he drove to the bar.

Here's what the Atlanta Urinal-Constipation had to say: "Cody Ray Gibbs, 22, was allegedly under the influence of alcohol when he intentionally destroyed concrete curbing, erosion silt fence and landscaping at a construction site near Powder Springs where homes were to be built, according to an arrest warrant obtained by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
Gibbs did not have consent of the property owners to operate the bulldozer between 2 and 2:30 a.m. Aug. 2, the warrant states. The warrant does not state whether or not Gibbs was employed by the company that owned the bulldozer.
A week later, Gibbs was arrested and charged with second degree criminal damage, a felony. Property developers told police that damage was estimated at $10,000."

What the Hell?

That is just one question I'd like to ask...what the hell? "What the fuck?" comes to mind as well. As does "are you friggin' kiddin' me?" Who does this guy think he is, George Jones? (It's a long story, google "george jones + riding lawnmower" to get the deal)
Cody Ray "D - 9 Cat" Gibbs
  • What the heck was Cody Ray thinkin' when he decided to take the dozer and go drinking in the first place.
  • Was he hoping to impress the chciks with his ride?
  • Between 2 and 2:30 AM? On a bulldozer? After a night of consuming large quantities of alcoholic beverages? Really?
  • What was he drinking and can I have some? Please.
What Next? 

Guys have been busted for DUI on scooters, bikes, motorized wheel chairs and, like George Jones, on riding lawn mowers.The lesson here is that the drinking and driving laws in most states cover a wide range of vehicles for you to get popped on if you are plowed and driving one of them.

So, all you Dumbass Drunks out there take heed. You could be next to be arrested for DUI on a horse or something.

Next thing you know they'll make it illegal to be fubared and drive a school bus.


Monday, August 20, 2012

Playboy Playmate Smuggles Canuck into USA!

Illegal immigration is a major problem in this country right now and both sides of the political divide rail on about what ever their side believes on this very important issue.

When we think of illegal aliens in the United States, we generally think of Meskins, Guatemalans, Hondurans and all the Latin American people south of the border. regardless of your stance on the argument. Oh, yeah, we think of a lot of guys named Muhammad and Abdul also, but only because so many of them want to blow us to smithereens. The Meskins, et al, generally speaking, are simply looking for a better life for their families and are eager to get into Los Estados Unidos by any means possible, including being smuggled into the country in jam packed vans and 18 wheelers, risking life and limb. However, illegal is illegal, no matter one's intentions, so I do not condone smuggling or assisting any foreign national in getting into the USA by any other than lawful means.

Canadians, on the other hand, ain't exactly beating down the border trying to get here, but when they do so, they do so in style.

Permtiame explicar. A little Meskin lingo there that roughly translates as "let me splain".

Jug Shot
Playboy Playmate, Human Smuggler 

You gotta admit that a mighty fine way to commit a felony by attempting to enter the USA illegally would involve a Playboy Playmate. i wouldn't know for sure as I am an American citizen, but I do know that it would certainly beat the hell out of swimming across the Rio Grande or riding in an oven of an 18 wheeler to get here.

This scenario actually took place.

Mug Shot
 A Wacky Canadian Guy, WCG, wanted to get into the US real bad. His girlfriend wanted to get him here real bad. WCG's woman is a Playboy Playmate! Were I younger and unattached and a Canuck, sneaking across the border with a Playmate would be a grand idea. I am not a large person, so there would be all kinds of nifty hiding places on a Playmate for a guy my size. I won't elaborate as some things are better left unsaid for fear of paying child support and alimony.

My lips are sealed.

The Playmate

The Playboy Chick is Colleen Shannon, who appeared in the 50th Anniversary Edition of Playboy in 2004, so this is not a homely woman. Why an intelligent, patriotic young woman (smell the sarcasm I am cookin' here?) want to smuggle a Canadian into the United States for Gawd's sake? All the dude had to was get a few papers in order with the Immigration Department Dumbasses and he could have come on over without a problem. Does he think he's Meskin or something? Or how about, you know, marrying the Playboy Playmate you fucking moron! There are worse ways to go through life than to spend it with a semi-hooker, prolly-Lesbian hot fucking tamale.

But hell no! These two Einsteins went the illegal route and now face up to ten years in prison for their misdeeds.

On the bright side, Colleen could always film a few "Prison Hooker in Chains " movies to keep her fans' "attention" while she's in the Slammer. I'm just sayin'. And writin' movie scripts.

On the flip side, I am sure that there are some very nice Canuckistani Playmates cavorting about the night clubs of Toronto, Montreal and Vancouver. can't you just start porking one of them instead of the American bimbo? I am also pretty sure than there are some red blooded American dudes who would love to be smuggled into the Great White North in some Playmate's cleavage.

Collen,the next time you feel the need to deal in human trafficking, do it the old fashioned way - in a 53 foot trailer loaded with hockey pucks or moose innards.

Like the Meskins do.


Sunday, August 19, 2012

Outstanding Real-Life Dumabsses w/ Outstanding Real-Life Dumbass Names

As great a Research Assistant as Mrs. Fearless Leader is, there's only so much she can do in helping to bring you the absolute best, or worst, depending on your perspective, Dumbass News available on the intar tubes. I wish I had a dozen of her. But she nixed the cloning idea out of hand as, as she put it it, "a bunch of bullshit, you motherfucker." She's direct and to the point when she's nice to me like that.

I say this because the people at the HuffPo are lucky to have some stoopid fuck with more money than brains as an employer. I am sure they have all the latest technology and a handful of Dumbasses to gather stoopid shit from around the net. Why do you think that I steal use them as a starting point for so much of what I write about? They get all the good stuff, that's why! I just make it better.

The rat bastids.

But I still got Mrs. Fearless Leader. And she's the best in the bidness.

Screw HuffPo. In a metaphorical kind of way, of course.

But I digress.

Dumbass Spew Alert: Be Seated and Consume No Liquids

I frequently write about Dumbass Newspaper Headlines and Dumbass Criminals like the guy who tried to kill another man with a toilet seat! 

Usually the dip shits who commit these acts of Dumbassery have normal-type names, like John Smith or ray Freeman. However! Thanks to the Dumbass department at HuffPuffIDipSnuff, i am glad to report that there are some Bad Guys out there with names only belong to a Dumbass!

For example...


A guy in South Florida was recently invited to be a guest of the Miami-Dade County Crossbar Hilton after he pulled a Felony Trifecta (assault, resisting an officer, probation violation & more). His name? (Ad Lib Spew Alert Reminder!) Jackmeoff Mudd! I kid you not!

But wait! There's more!!!

In Wisconsin, a Dumbass got busted for a bunch of stuff. His handle (and I ain't makin' this up!) is Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop.  

These two numbnuts are only the beginning of the Dumbasses with Dumbass Names Class of '12. There is also Leonard G. Dickman and Donald Duck. Daniel Noody, Draco Slaughter (a bomb scare guy) and Joseph Moron also make the list

We can't discount Dalcapone Alpaccino Morris, sex offender Mister Love or Tyrannusaurus Rex Mullens, also a pervert who should be strung up by the gazebos until he is grave yard dead and agood ole Patrick Molesti who is just an ordinary Dumbass Crook, not a sex offender.

If you'd appreciate a belly laugh or two, click on over to the HuffPo slide show featuring outstanding Dumbass photos of our Inaugural Group of Dumbasses with Dumbass Names (Class of '12). It's worth the look.


Saturday, August 18, 2012

Dumbass Newspaper Headlines (Best of...)

It has been a while since we've had some dumbass newspaper headlines on this blog, so I did some digging around the internet and came up with somr flat funny ones. I always get a kick out these dumbass headlines posts because I get to demean and ridicule perfect strangers for being dumbasses.  That's just how I roll.

You gotta remember that these are actual newspaper headlines and classified ads, not something that I made up. So, let's get to this week's Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Computers are as much a part of our daily lives as having breakfast in the morning. We use them for almost everything in our lives - banking, research, shopping and communication. Now we learn that computer viruses are spreading to human beans!!! Let's pray that the Blue Screen of Death is not contagious. Just sayin'. Dumbasses.

You are serious, right? Whoever let that headline make it to print must be the editor of The Dumbass News Daily. Fuckin' moron. But wait! They get better!

I blame it those damned illegal immigrants! Next thing you know they'll throwing tacos into the dumpster. What will that look like to some dumbass? I have several possibilities for jokes here, but they are too tasteless even for me, so, (insert taco joke here).

 What's the name of this town? Dumbassville? Does everybody in Dumbassville wear Essence of Turd cologne? Do they eat shit sandwiches for lunch? Oh, wait! They can't eat shit sandwiches, the dumbasses don't like bread!


Her life's ambition is to be the Mofongo Queen in next year's pageant. "Mistress of the Universe" is a bit much for a teen girl.

And the headline of the day is;

It's amazing what they can do with a little plastic surgery these days. I' just sayin'.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Dumbass School Photos!

Listen up, Dumbasses! Today's post will be of the visual variety. For you Yoopers in the audience, that means there will be pretty pictures so the neighbor doesn't have to read thos old pesky words for you.

Fun will be had by all!

First off, let's give credit to the Dumbasses at for posting these photos so I could without shame, guilt or threat of law suit steal them to use for an easy article. Thanks, guys!

WARNING!  Let this serve as a WARNING to you that if you are eating breakfast now, wait at least a half hour before continuing to read the rest of this post. Continuing on while eating may cause severe projectile puking and/or indigestion/loss of appetite. Consider your Dumbass Self warned.

Phucked Up Photos

When I say phucked up, I mean phucked up. Some of the following photos are so phunny that you may cause a disturbance at work due to uncontrollable howling laughter that would wake the dead, so be advised.

Let us begin.....
 John Candy illegitimate daughter with an alien life form from the planet Woof! in the movie Space Balls. Da Schwartz was with Candy on this one.

This guy was once a cast member on the old TV series Mod Squad playing the role of Linc's long lost white guy brother. Needless to say, things didn't work out on the show (critics panned him as a "poor excuse for a black guy"), but the guy did go on to become the World's First Human Pipe Cleaner and then on to stardom in the porn industry.

This back to school photo went awry when Dad (background) went into an alcoholic coma at an extremely unfortunate time. The little girl made it to school on time. By the way, the girl is now a Junior in High School and Dad is still laying in the same spot

Speaking as a Short Guy (I'm 5'4"), this kid has the best date at the prom, especially when a slow song plays and the belly rubbin' begins. Keywords: "Eyes at Boob Level". Yay for slow songs.

 This is the Class Pansy preparing for the unlikely event of a girl attack. the boy can recite the Periodic Table of Elements frontwards and backwards, probably in several languages, but the site of a female sends him into a frenzy unseen since the Egyptians were in the middle of the Red Sea while chasing Moses and the Hebes. the kid was voted Most Likely to be a Homo with 98.3 % of the vote.

This sissy got the other 1.7% of the Most Likely to Be a Homo Vote. He's now a male stripper in Boston. 'Nuff said.

Lord help us all.


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Port-o-Potty Peeper Gets Knee Deep in Work

It was on this date in 1977, The King died. yes, on Augusta 16, 1977 Elvis Presley was found dead in the bathroom of his beloved Graceland mansion.

I still remember when I found out this sad news about the King. Elvis had to be the coolest guy to ever live. renting out movie theaters and amusement parks just so he could enjoy a "normal" life away from being the King of Rock n Roll. He did all this not only for himself, but for his what was called his Memphis Mafia, those friends closest to him and their families.

But this post is to bury Elvis not praise him. Since The Coolest Guy Ever died while on his Throne, I wanted to commemorate this auspicious occasion with a story of the same nature. A story of a Dumbass in the People's Republic of Boulder who didn't die taking a shit, but who was busted for being a Peeping Tom with port-o-potties being his venue of choice.

Port-o-Potties, the Bain of Mankind  

I have written stories about Dumbasses and Port-o-Potties before. Like this one about a guy who enjoys doo doo diving in them. And this tale of a guy who got hammered then got locked in a Port-o-Potty overnight. Ain't that some shit?

The Potty Peeper & His Shit Lawyer***
Now comes the story of some Dumbass who made peep holes in port-o-potties being used at a yoga festival! This jackass got kicks on Route 66 by looking at wimmin peeing and pooping (wimmin poop they don't shit) in between yoga routines. Ain't that some shit?

What the hell kind of fetish is it that a man gets his jollies by watching wimmin use the head? While he is up to his waist in waste inside the tank of the toilet! If some dumbass were so inclined to do something like this, wouldn't it be more "practical" to peep into the dressing room area? Nekkid wimmin vs pooping wimmin is a no brainer in my book, but I have absolutely no desire to be a Peeping Tom. Except when Mrs. Fearless Leader and I play our "little game" on Saturday nights.

But I digress.

Port-o-Potty Questions

Naturally, I have some questions and it is incumbent upon me as your Saturday Night Freakapalooza Fearless Leader to bring these querries to the forefront.
  • Where is the outcry from the fine Liberal Pansies of Boulder for port-o-potty control? Let the federal Gubmint regulate the manufacture and sale of port-o-potties across this land! Why not? You Commie Pussies want the gubmint to run your life from cradle to grave, why not let have at portable shitters as well?
  • How does a guy create peep holes in numerous potties on the go (hahahahaha I made a funny) and not get noticed?
  • Why in Gawd's name would a guy want create peep holes in numerous potties on the go in the first place? 
  • Peeping from tank itself ? Enough said.
  • Why isn't this Dumbass in a mental institution somewhere?
  • Elvis still dead. Unless he is still living a hermit's existence in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Is K-town on the UP of Michigan? If so, does that make the King of Rock n Roll a Yooper?

***From the Boulder Daily Camera***

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

UPDATE: Dumbass Pressure Pays Off! Big Gubmint Backs Down!

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about a bunch of Sissy Fwench Canadians getting their T-back panties in a wad over a guy's front yard garden. Here's a photo of the garden in question:

I am still not sure why, other than the fact that they are Sissy Fwench pussies, these dumbasses were so upset about this garden. I mean look at it! It's frakkin' great! I know I'd just hate to have something that disgusting in my front yard. I hope you can see the oozing sarcasm there.

Dumbasses - 1  Sissy Fwench Pussies - 0

The story I wrote about this obvious clusterfuck was the catalyst in forcing these girly men and manly girls into reversing their decision to coerce The Guy to remove his garden. OK, OK. Several thousand Non Sissy Fwench Canadians who chimed in on the deal by notifying the dickweeds who came up with this garden ban in the first place that this would not stand.

Here's a short article with details on how the Sissy Fwench Canadian Pussies folden like a cheap prom dress:

"Dear Kitchen Gardener,

At the risk of sounding immodest, let me say just this: we

By "we" I mean the over 30,000 gardeners who took action over the past three weeks in support of the food garden cause. Together, we helped win not just one victory but two.  The first and most important was the Drummondville front yard garden case which attracted over 30,000 petition signatures, significant international media attention and what seemed to be an endless parade of supportive emails (I stopped counting after the first 200).  Earlier this week, the Drummondville Municipal Council announced that henceforth front yard kitchen gardens will be allowed and have even invited gardeners, Josée Landry and Michel Beauchamp, to help shape the city's new guidelines for urban food gardens. You can see the news story translated
here and Josée and Michel's blog post here. I am convinced that this victory will prove to be a landmark case that will influence urban agriculture in a positive way, not just in Canada but around the world. So let me join Josée and Michel in thanking you for all your support and good wishes.

And for the frosting on our celebratory cake (carrot, of course), we learned last week that we pulled off a surprising come-from-behind victory in the "Do Good Outdoors" contest thanks to the nearly
1200 people who voted for our entry. We were 3rd out of 115 going into the final day of voting but when the dust had finally settled and all the votes were verified, we finished in 1st place! We'll use the $5000 prize and the publicity in Good magazine to help plant more school and community gardens. So thank you one and all for helping us and gardens to come out on top!

I hope you'll join me (virtually or in person) in celebrating these victories and kitchen gardens in general on
World Kitchen Garden Day (facebook link) on Sunday, August 26th.  We've worked hard and it's time to party!

Very best wishes,


This, Dumbasses, is what happens when Dumbasses of all stripes come together as one lethal fighting force (metaphorically speaking of course) and challenge the would-be "Masters" of our own destinies. Fuck. Them.

We have, at last count, 1495 Canadian Dumbasses in our numbers. I am certain that they were well represented in the over 30 thousand Dumbasses who bitch slapped the Town Council or what the hell ever they have in Drummondville (the scene of the almost Commie Crime)/.

In addition to the bone-crushing pressure applied by the Dumbass Horde, most of the credit goes to Kitchen Gardeners International  for getting this story out there for the international community to see and respond to. Great job, Kitchen Gardeners!

As your Fearless Leader, I feel compelled and obligated to bestow Honorary Dumbass Status on all who participated in this near-criminal over reach of the Drummondville and set an example of what activism can accomplish when applied with great prejudice on the appropriate person or persons. like Ronald Reagan said, "if you can't make 'em see the light, make 'em feel the heat"

The city "leaders" of Drummondville felt the heat so intimately that they all have scorch marks on the panties.


Get Filthy Rich by Hypnotizing Dumbasses!

Best of Dumbass News

Boston. Beantown. At Least We Ain't New Yawk, But We Wish We Had That Many World Series Championships. Whatever you want to call it, Boston is a city that is as full of American history and tradition as any city in the country. Paul Revere, the Red Sawx, the Boston Tea Party and really exceptional Dumbasses - all part of Boston, baby.

For Example...

Chicanery in Chinatown

A 57 year old woman was in Boston's Chinatown doing a little grocery shopping when she was approached by three women. The women began asking the lady questions and after several minutes, one of the trio handed the shopper a plastic bag. They then instructed her to go home, fill the bag with a shit load of loot and meet them later at Boston Commons.

She did. The lady filled the bag with a valuable necklace, a jade bracelet, her passport and $160,000 in cash! The Nice Lady then proceeded to the Commons where she willfully handed over her life savings to the three con women. The Nice Lady is a Dumbass.

I feel the need to jump in here and make a point or two.

Point 1) I may be in the monority, but if three strange Asian women were to instruct me to go home and cram a couple of hundred large worth of cash and jewelry into a Wal Mart bag, I'd have a tendency to become a bit suspicious. That's just how I roll.

Point 2) IF I ever reach a point in my life where my mental condition deteriorates to the point that I would even consider doing something so blatantly STOOPID, I hereby authorize anyone reading this post to promptly and mercifully put a .45 hollowpoint into my skull. I thank you in advance.

Keep Your Eyes on the Shiny Object

This same kind of crime has happened twice since the one above and all of the sudden the (I am not making the name of this organization up) Chinese Progressive Association (Commies?) has alerted its members "to remain vigilant when approached by strangers". That's odd, I tell my 5 year old daughter the same thing. The difference is that she seems to get it.

The dumbass that heads up the Commies, I mean Chinese Progressive Association, says that he believes the victim was hypnotizedf by the three scammers. He backs this up with the solid evidence that his mother told him of thieves using hypnosis on their victims in his native Hong Kong. (No relation to King Kong or Donkey Kong)

That settles that! I gotta find me a How-to book on this Hypnotizing Dumbasses into Willingly Handing Over to Me Hundreds of Thousands of Dollars in Cash and Jewelry stuff. Then, I am moving to Boston. Chinatown specifically. Supply and demand. Beantown supplies the Dumbasses and the Dumbasses supply me - with millions of dollars!

Put. Me. In. Coach!

Other Etnic Groups

I see a potential trend here. If this kind of shit can be pulled on Asians, why not open up a market for Meskins, Eye-talians or Micks? Boston is a multi-cultural city after all. And I do not discriminate against any group. I don't care if you are the Mayor of Boston, if a person is a Dumbass (and from what I hear, the current mayor of Boston, Thomas "Mumbles" Menino is a Dumbass {and a Commie}) the person is a target, baby. And I aim to please.

America! What a country!


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Drunk Dumbass Passes Out in Garbage Truck - Near St. Pancake Status Ensues - Twice!

I have been telling you about the Dumbass Things that Dumbasses do for almost two years now. And no matter how weird the story, there eventually will be another Dumbass pulling the same Dumbass Stunt.

Today's story is an encore presentation. Not of the Best of Dumbass News variety, but of the "some Dumbass was bound to do it again" type. Here's the original Dumbass News story that relates to today's tale.

This activity involves Drunk Homeless Guys and I'm afraid it's giving a bad name to drunk homeless guys all over the country. As a former Drunk Homeless Guy, I am truly concerned about the sullying of the image of my Drunk Homeless Brethren.

I can not and will not stand for it!

A Fad?

"Hold on, Harold! I think there's a drunk homeless guy in there!"
The activity I'm talking about is homeless guys from Portland, Oregon that get drunk and do something stoopid, like, oh, I don't know, maybe crawl into the back of a Waste Management trash truck and pass out, thus risking being squeezed to death like a rotten tomato. This is not typical behavior for the seasoned Drunk Homeless Guy, so I can only assume it is rookie Drunk Homeless Guys ruining the fun of being a Drunk Homeless Guy for all Normal Drunk Homeless Guys.

Normal Drunk Homeless Guys may crash on a park bench or on the steps of the Public Library, maybe even under a nice comfy bridge, but NEVER in the bidness end of a garbage truck!

You can see where my problem lies.

I hope like hell that this is not a fad or some Red Chinese Communist Plot to ruin the good name and untarnished image of Drunk Homeless Guys all over America. Better dead and homeless than Red and homeless! That's my motto!

Dumbass at Hand

The Dumbass in our story today got all shit faced and decided that driving home was not an option. Good choice. He could have killed dozens of Drunk Homeless Guys and Liberals had he driven an automobile while fubar'ed. This is unacceptable! Drunk Homeless Guys are people, too! Fuck the Liberals.

Wait! Did I imply that this guy had a car? Lemme re-check. Yes! I did! Knowing that little tidbit of information that may have been overlooked by an ordinary Dumbass without my Drunk Homeless Guy Street Cred, I can now conclude that this is indeed a Red Communist Chinese Plot to ruin the red blooded American Drunk Homeless Guy!

As I delve deeper into the available facts of this case, this Red Commie Drunk Homeless Guy was not homeless at all AND, get a load of this, he twice avoided being crushed when the garbage truck compacted its load! Only a well-trained foreign Red Chinese Communist Drunk Fake Homeless Guy Secret Agent could pull of this caper!

OK, I concede, this incident could have been a mere accident, with no involvement from the Official Red Chinese Communist Ministry of Drunk Fake Homeless Guys.

He could just be a....

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