Best of Dumbass News
WARNING! Probably NSFW! Be On The Lookout for the Boss!
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Yearning for Freedom...And BOB |
Sex. Three little letters with such a profound meaning.
Or result. Or consequences. Or something. "Normal" people, and Dumbasses
too, need, want and crave sex. Having said that, however, there are
limits to which a Dumbass (including for the sake of brevity and my poor
typing skillz, henceforth, "normal" people too) wanting to get laid
must adhere to. Period. There's another small but powerful word for
sexual overtures that are either unwanted or unwelcome. That word is
RAPE. Unless you are a sexual deviant, or from Iran, but I digress, rough sex is a no no.
End of story. No ifs, ands or unwanted spankings.
99.999999999% of criminal complaints about forced sex have men as the
perpetrator. There are, however, some rare cases that involve women as
the aggressor in these situations. Yes, I'm looking at
you sex-starved hottie school teachers who coerce some
lucky 16 year old bastard poor young man into a game of hide the Teenie Weenie with promises of better grades at school and daily blowjobs.
Today's story is one in which the young lady is the horny bimbo going to extreme measures in order to do the Horizontal Hula.
Gettin' Rough
1664.81 miles from my house to Miami in the FLA, is a little hot tamale
named Inez Nunez who is your normal, every day 18 year old nymphomaniac.
I mean, this girl wanted her boyfriend to lay the
chorizo to her in the worst way. Simply put, the bitch was as horny as a two peckered billy goat.
Sadly for Inez, her
novio ( little Espanol lingo there meaning boyfriend) was not in the mood to play
esconda la salchicha or
as we gringos say, hide the weenie. After much pillow talk, pleading
and weenie massaging, Inez's efforts remained fruitless. This is when
she resorted to a more "persuasive" method of getting porked. She began
to beat the shit out of her boyfriend! To my way of thinking, having a
woman stomp a mud hole in me is not what I would call sexually
stimulating. A felony perhaps, but it ain't no way to make Willie the
One Eyed Wonder Worm stand at attention. But that's just how I roll.
Exercising Restraint
Miraculously, somehow the boyfriend had enough snap about him to not
retaliate against Inez as she continued to slap him upside the head. Not
so miraculously, Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm had decided that
standing at attention was not in the cards at this point. Poor Inez. if
only she had a Battery Operated Boyfriend (BOB), this whole unfortunate
incident would have never come about. Now that I think about it, if she
did
have a BOB and used it in a Lesbian Porn Flick kind of way, she prolly
would have laid, fried, ti-died and put to the side. Willie and the
boyfriend might, just
might, mind you, have been properly
encouraged to participate in a little Mattress Mambo. Alas, it was not
to be. The mood was ruined when the ass-kickin' started. And when the
cops arrived.
Ruined Mood
As Fate would have it, the roll in the hay that Inez wanted, nay,
craved,
and turned into something quite different that she had hoped for.
Instead of getting pounded like a cheap steak, she was on her way to the
Broward County Center for Horny Bitches Who Assault Their Lovers To Get
a Little Pokey Pokey. On the bright side of things, I'll bet you a
nickel that Inez will get plenty of attention from some of her new
friends in the lockup. No BOB necessary, batteries not included and some
assembly required.
All this bullshit just to get some.
Inez is a cute young felon and I feel in my heart of hearts that she
could have found some studly young man to fulfill her "needs" if she had
just tried. Her boyfriend is obviously a Justin Bieber fan who
couldn't, or wouldn't, nail Jessica Alba if she was the one beating him
like a red headed step child. But that, of course, is purely
speculative. His being a pussy, on the other hand, is not.
Closing Arguments
Actually, I have no argument to make here, but this
is the
closing
of this tale of the wrong pussy getting beat up, right? Besides, I was a
PreLaw Major (Dropout) in college, so I like to say "closing arguments"
whenever I can.
Conclusions: Inez committed a felony and still didn't get
hammered, the boyfriend is a pussy and Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm
is still in hiding. What a sad ending to a potentially terrific Porn
Flick to Be.
I'll be taking up a Batteries for BOB Fund Raiser for Inez so she'll be
"armed and dangerous", IYKWIMAITYD, when she gets paroled. Send all
donations through the
PayPal "Donate" button in the right side bar. It's the least I could do for Inez. And BOB.
Dumbass.