Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: December 2012 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Monday, December 31, 2012

Sliced, Weaponized & Injected: Dumbass Dongs of 2012

Penises were big in 2012.

That's not to say that penises were large, but big, as in big news. Penises attached to Dumbasses were especially big this year. Again, we are not talking about gargantuan male appendages, but the ding dongs that made Dumbass News in 2012.

This is why I feel compelled to include a special penis category in the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards.

Fellow Dumbasses, I now present to you the Biggest Dumbass Dicks of 2012.

The nominees: 

1) Guy Pokes Other Wimmin, Pays for It w/His Penis - This is the story of a Chinese Guy who put his pee pee into several vajayjays. So what, you say. I'll tell you so what. These vajayjays were spoken for. In other words, the Chinese Guy was poking other men's vajayjays. In retaliation, the Other Men did something really mean to the Chinese Guy. Read the story. I ain't givin' away the ending, Dumbass.
 2) Several times every day on TV you will see a commercial for a "male enhancement" product. There's good ol' Smilin' Bob, my personal favorite, and a bunch of others that I can't remember right now, but they're out there, trust me. There is, however, one miracle product available in the grocery aisle of your local super market that will make your ding dong the size of Seabucuit's with just a few applications! Thai men with teenie weenies have been using this method of dick-biggening for generations! Just what is this amazing cure for small schlongs? Olive oil! Olive oil injections, to be precise. 

3) Mauled by Man Meat - What happens when a woman's estranged husband comes over to her house, offers her money for sex and she refuses? He pulls out his pee pee and slaps her with it!

While having your penis sliced off for screwing other men's wimmin is quite admirable, and assaulting your wife with your dick is certainly a novel way to end up in jail, there's just something about injecting a Mediterranean cooking oil into your member that screams I am the Biggest Dumbass Dick of 2012! 

The competition was stiff, but we were able to name a clear weiner, I mean winner, of this year's Biggest Dumbass Dick Award.

Now, about that olive oil thing.....


Sunday, December 30, 2012

More "Dummies": The Flaming Dumbass Award for 2012!

Some men are born into Dumbassery, others have it thrust upon them.

The overwhelming majority of the stories on Dumbass News are about idiots who are natural born Dumbasses - people who come into the world with the Dumbass Gene embedded in their DNA. Other stories usually involve people who are suddenly eat up with a bad case of Dumbass-itis and something, shall we say "out of the ordinary", happens. It is these Dumbasses that we will honor today.

The 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards are proud to present the nominees for the first-ever Flaming Dumbass Award!
May I have the fire resistant envelope, please...

I am proud to announce the winner of the 2012 Flaming Dumbass Award...

Using a Blow Torch to Rid Your House of Spiders! (And Yourself of a House) Guy! Such a simple task, yet such disastrous results. Let this story, and by extension this award, be a reminder that an attack of Dumbass-itis can unexpectedly hit anybody at anytime.

If you find yourself the victim of Sudden Dumbass-itis Syndrome there are some steps you can take to minimize, or even avoid, the negative impact this malady can inflict upon you and your loved ones.
  1. Don't create a Facebook account.
  2. Practice tampon control. Realize that feminine hygiene products are possessed by agents of Satan.
  3. Dispose of all flammable materials in your house.
  4. Avoid matches and lighters at all costs.
  5. Do not incinerate household pests with blow torches when a rolled up newspaper will do the trick.
  6. If you fail to heed the warnings of the tips above, for the sake of all that is Holy, DO NOT procreate. Dumbass-itis is hereditary. We certainly don't need another generation of human beans that carry your DNA. There are too many Liberals in our country right now. 
  7. In regards to Number 6: where's my blow torch?

Saturday, December 29, 2012

2012 Dummy Awards: Best Use of 9-1-1 by a Drunk Dumbass

Let's play a game of "pretend".

Let's pretend that you are being chased by "drug cartel agents" and a pack of vicious drug cartel agent dogs. Let's pretend that you are scared shitless and your only recourse to save your ass from these evil, bloodthirsty bad guys and their hounds from Hell is to break into a nearby house.

Now that you are safely out of harm's way inside some nice person's house, what do you do? You call 9-1-1! On yourself!

We Deliver
Wait! We don't have to pretend! This actually happened! SPOILER ALERT! 1...2...3...END OF SPOILER ALERT! The Dumbass who pulled this stunt was soon greeted by a pair of very nice Bangor (Maine) police officers and was subsequently introduced to the Penobscot County Jail for the Criminally Dumbass.

The lesson we can all take away from this incident is that 9-1-1 is to be utilized for emergency situations only.

The entrants for the next Dummy in our search for the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award winner would beg to differ.

Best Use of 9-1-1 by a Drunk Dumbass
There was no shortage of contenders for this category of the Dummies. That is evidenced by the fact that the Dumbass in the story above isn't even nominated for the award.

Those who made the cut...
And the winner of the 2012 Dummy Award for Best Use of 9-1-1 by a Drunk Dumbass is...

The Dumbass who called 9-1-1 for beer delivery!

Folks, anybody can dial up 9-1-1 and ask for a blow job or get drunk and call 'em up and threaten to kick the cops' asses, but it takes a special kind of Dumbass to place an order for beer through Emergency Services. The level of sheer unmitigated gall to do something this fucking stoopid is, in and of itself, brilliant!

As a Former Professional Drinker, I bow before the Funky Old Dude who let his drunk ass fingers do the walkin'.


Friday, December 28, 2012

The 2012 Dummy Awards: Best Use of Duct Tape By a Nekkid Dumbass

Another year of Dumbass News has come and gone. That means another 365 days of the finest Dumbassery known to modern man has been chronicled for posterity right on these very pages. It's a legacy that a Fearless Leader can be proud of, something my grand children will some day look back on and declare, "Say what you will about Grandpa Fearless Leader, he was a top notch Dumbass if he was anything." 

I get misty eyed just thinking about it.

I also get all choked up when I look back over the past year at the sheer volume of the stoopid shit I have covered, each post the result of a dogged determination to bring to you the absolutely most pathetic actions of Dumbasses from locales around the world.   

In summary, 2012 was a resounding success for Dumbass News.

And now....The Dummies...

Duct Tape  

Is There Nothing It Can't Do?
Our first category in the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards is Best Use of Duct Tape by a Dumbass, Public Nekkididity Division.

And the nominees are:

Chick With Duct Taped Boobs Beats Up Three Cops- Law Enforcement personnel have one of the toughest jobs in the world. Not only do they see that the rest of us obey the law, but many times they are called upon to act as mediators in disputes between the citizens they are sworn to protect and serve. At other times they are assaulted by nekkid wimmin with duct taped boobs. And of course by "assaulted" I mean kicked the shit out of. The Chick with Duct Taped Boobs inflicted some pretty impressive injuries upon three of Seattle's Finest.

Duct Tape and Nekkid Driving - I am a lifelong user of Duct Tape having used it to mend various parts of cars, shoes, baseball bats and prolly a hundred other things laying around the Dumbass Dome. Having said that, I can categorically deny ever having used it in a state of nekkididity or operating a motor vehicle while in my birthday suit. I can not, however, say the same for this couple in Portland, Oregon.

The winner of the first Dummy for 2012 is....!

It's a tie! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for the very first time in the history of the Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards, we have a tie! Let's face it. What we have here is two of the most inventive uses of Duct Tape in the History of Duct Tape. How on Earth can I pick one of these stories over the other? I couldn't.

Wow! What excitement! What drama! What bullshit!

The 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards are certainly off to a flying start! This is the first in a long list of Dummies to be awarded, just imagine the excitement and surprises that await us!

I can barely contain myself!


Thursday, December 27, 2012

A Welcome to New Dumbasses & A Taste of The Dummy Awards

Dumbass News has gained tens hundreds of new readers over the course of the last couple of months. This may come as a surprise to many of you, but it doesn't surprise me at all. Do you realize how many Dumbasses there are in the world? Simple math, and a shit load of shameless blog pimpin' on Twitter, dictate that this was bound to happen. Something about the law of supply and demand. The Good Lord supplies the Dumbasses and I demand that they read this blog. See? The shit works out right.
With all these new people flooding in, it is incumbent upon me as the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, to not only welcome them with scorn and derision open arms, but to make them feel at home. And if a Dumbass can't feel welcome here, then he might as well leave his mother's basement and move to Communist Cal-ee-forn-ya where he can live out his remaining days under the oppressive thumb of the State Gubmint. 
As we wind down 2012,  we are mere days away from presenting the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Awards to the most deserving Dumbasses of the year. Having said that, I felt like this was a great opportunity to prepare our newer Dumbasses for the Glory that is The Dummies by enlightening them with a taste of the 2011 version of this most treasured of trophies. I won't re-hash the entire list of the Dummy winners from last year, rather I'll go straight to The Big One (a little Fred G. Sanford humor there), the Dumbass of the Year
Attention Dumbasses around the World! The moment you both have been waiting for is here! Despite the public outcry and against the advice of the Dumbass News legal staff, Dewey, Cheatum and Howe (Home Office, Tijuana, Baja Califonia, Mexico), It is now time to announce the "winner" of the very first Fred G. Sanford (that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award! What an occasion! What an extravaganza! What a steaming pile! 
This was one of the most difficult projects that I have ever undertaken while sober. The mere volume of posts featuring some of the most mentally challenged people on Earth in and of itself was a bit overwhelming. Having to decide which dumbass is worthy of such a prestigious honor as the Fred G. Sanford (that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award was a responsibility I did not take lightly. How could I take it lightly? I was fucking sober for Gawd's sake! I was that serious about this thing. Of course if I had been blasted it would have been much more enjoyable, but I am reformed Professional Drinker, so that was out of the question. A little "Latin Lettuce" on the other hand....:) 

The Final Four

Once I got through the over 400 dumbasses to choose from, the following four stood on their own merits as head and shoulders above the rest. Not so coincidently, each of the four were among the most-read posts of 2011. If you folks weren't dumbasses I'd swear you knew what you doing in making them so popular. But you are and I won't. Dumbasses. 

The Last Dumbasses Standing are...

Courtney Love - For snorting Kurt Cobain's cremated remains when a good line of cocaine would have been much more rewarding. Stoopid bitch.

Dwarf Tossers - Dwarf tossers are the backbone of American Dumbassery. They are living proof that this country is all about having the right to not only become filthy rich and a dumbass, but also the right to be as big a dumbass as you can possibly make yourself. This is what separates us from European Pussy Dumbasses, Muslim Extremists and Commies. God bless America!

Five Day Cell Phone Guy - This guy spent five days "stranded" on an island off the California coast with his cell phone and a strong connection to a near-by cell tower without once trying to use his phone to call for help. Until the fifth day!

And finally...

Assault With Deer Antlers -   A touching romantic story about a couple of dumbasses that get into a fight and the dumbass lady ends up trying to gore the guy with a mounted deer head. I think they are from my wife's side of the family. Yankees are weird like that. I'm just sayin'.

The Big Moment!

Can I have a drum roll please?!! It is with great pleasure , reverence for the late Fred G. Sanford (that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) and deep humility, not to mention a couple of shots of Nyquil because my wife gave me the flu, I am happy to announce the winner of the Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award for 2011!!! The winner iiiiissssssssss.......

....Five Day Cell Phone Guy!!!! (wild applause and the sound of tops being screwed off of cheap wine bottles everywhere)  Was there ever any doubt that the outcome would be anything but what it is? Hell no!! Any dumbass that is on an island with a cell phone and a good, strong signal and doesn't think to try the phone to call for help for five days is the Dumbass of the Year every year in my book.

So congratulations Five Day Cell Phone Guy, and find a special spot on your fireplace mantle for the "You Big Dummy" trophy and soak up all the glory you so richly deserve as the winner of such a life changing honor. You have truly shown the world what being a dumbass is all about. And believe me my friend, you are a Dumbass with a capital "D".

I look forward to hearing from you soon, Five Day Cell Phone Guy. Call me when you have the time between network TV and national radio show interviews. I am sure you have a good signal on your iPhone. I just thought I'd save you a few days by telling you that.


Of the Year.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Coming Soon: The 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards!

Wow! Where has this year gone? 2012 zoomed by quick as a hiccup and that can mean only one thing.

It's time for the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards! Or as we at Dumbass News affectionately call them, The Dummies.

The Dummies Explained 

In some ways, The Dummies are like those fake pussified awards like the Oscars or Grammies. We'll have several categories of Dummies in which there will be a few nominees for each one and each category will have a winner. (You have no idea how difficult it is to write "winner" and "Dummies" in the same sentence.) We'll slog our way through the various groups, name a winner (there's that word again) and work our way up to the biggie, the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award.

The similarities end there.

Unlike Hollywood or the music industry, The Dummies recognize the "achievements" of real people, Dumbasses like you and me. We don't go for all that fakery and Liberal weenie, touchy-feely, made up bullshit you'll find in the movies or the cop-killing, racist, bitches and hoes crap in today's music.
We settle for nothing less than World Class Dumbassery.

2012 Dummies

Over the next few days, we'll take a fond look back at some of the Dumbasses that caught our attention in 2012 and bestow upon them the honor that they so richly deserve - The Dummy.

So sit back and relax with an adult beverage or your recreational drug of choice and take heart that no matter how screwed up your life is, there's a group of Dumbasses out there that'll make you feel good about yourself.



DUI in Nebraska featuring Earl the God of Dumbass Irony

I have another extremely busy day ahead of me and I won't have time to write a new post for today. BUT! I browsed the blog archives, which by the way you can find in the left sidebar by scrolling down a little, and went all the way back to November 3 , 2010 and found a real doozy of a "Dumbass News" story.

If you think nothing good ever happens in Nebraska, you'd be el correct-o. However! Plenty of Dumbass Stuff happens in Cornhuskerville. Read on to get a good profile of your average Nebraska youth. And remember the Official State Motto of Nebraska: "At least we're not Iowa. But we wish we were." 


Sometimes the God of Dumbass Irony, or Earl as he is called, has a wickedly cruel sense of humor. For example, take 19 year old Matthew Nieveen, please(!) hahahahahaha Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony, must have waited years for this twist of fate to occur. It's so unbelievable, it's believable. The stars of the constellation "Dumbass" were in perfect order, the moon was in the seventh house, Mercury was in retrograde (which, according a friend of mine, is bad mojo waiting to happen) and the final ingredient of this recipe of ironic circumstance is one full tilt boogie dumbass. That's where my man Matthew comes in. Matthew is a dumbass, as you'll shortly see. Read the post first then get a look at the photo at the end of the article.

The story that pegs the Irony Meter takes place in Lincoln, Nebraska, where NOTHING good ever happens, unless it's the annual ass-kickin' that the Texas Longhorns put on the Nebraska Cornhuskers. That's another thing about Lincoln, they call themselves Cornhuskers. What the fuck is a Cornhusker other than a guy who can husk corn? Do they have degrees in cornhusking at NU? Is the mere mention of the word "cornhusker" supposed to strike fear into the hearts of your athletic opponent? The only way the word "cornhusker" would scare the hell out of anybody is if all "cornhuskers" were women from Nebraska. But, I digress.

Back to our dumbass, Matthew, and his 15 minutes of infamy. Matthew goes to this party where alcoholic beverages are being served. (Since our story takes place in Lincoln, NE, the drinks served at this party probably have little umbrellas in them, but, again, I digress) The party in question is a Halloween party. So far, so good. (except for the drinks with tiny umbrellas in them) Matthew, who you'll remember is only 19, goes to the Halloween party and has two drinks with little umbrellas in them and gets el drunk-o. I'd like to note for the record here, that the women Cornhuskers polished off two kegs of Pabst Blue Ribbon, while the boys had the drinks with little umbrellas in them. This is Nebraska, remember. Anyway, my main man, Matt, gets hammered and makes the foolish decision to drive home while being wasted on drinks with little umbrellas in them. While Matthew is operating his motor vehicle under diminished capacity, he gets pulled over by the Lincoln Police, who hate pansies like Matthew who drive drunk, especially when they are tanked on... you guessed it, drinks with little umbrellas in them.

The law then administers road side sobriety tests (which in Nebraska involved husking corn) to Matthew, which he fails miserably. He was, however, alert enough to present the arresting officer a keepsake little umbrella from one of his drinks he had earlier. The cop was not amused. (I just made that part up for dramatic dumbass effect).

IRONY ALERT! Guess what our man Matt was wearing when he got busted? A breathalyser costume! I. Kid.You. Not. This is almost as funny as a green turd in a punch bowl. Those Nebraskans, God bless 'em, have the misfortune of being cornhuskers, then Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony steps in like James Brown throwing a fourth and 2 pass from deep inside his own territory to his tight end and ends up with a 62 yard gain. Remember that, Cornhuskers? Earl could not have more cruel to our man Matthew than if he put one more second on the clock and your opponent kicks the field goal that costs you the Conference Championship (Obscure Texas 13 Nebraska 12 reference). Doggone that Earl, he's trickster, ain't he? A breathalyser costume! bwahahahaha  Life must be hell being a Cornhusker and life must really suck if you're Matthew - drunk, in jail and out one little umbrella from a foo foo drink.


Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Cheer! Meet Leon, Adopted Felon of "Dumbass News"

Best of Dumbass News
Here's some more Christmas cheer from last year. For those who are late to the Dumbass party, this is your chance to learn about Leon, the Adopted Felon of Dumbass News. After reading this post, you will not only know what kind of dumbass Leon is, but you, too, will love him to pieces. 
Ladies and gentlemen, Leon, Adopted Felon of Dumbass News.

 As we enter the home stretch for Christmas and the insanity only intensifies, I thought it would be a good time to bring you some news that will undoubtedly brighten your day. Better still, if you get down in the mouth or bored at the job, you can always return to this page, read this story once (or twice) more and, like magic, you will be uplifted all over again! Let's shake off that Christmas anxiety with this item guaranteed to bring a smile to your otherwise I-look-like-I-just-found-out-that-my-wife-threw-away-a-winning-SuperLotto-ticket-worth-$60-million face. Onward and upward we go:
  • Our inspirational tale comes to us from Waco. For those of you who are not familiar with Waco, it is a very conservative town. Waco is home to Baylor University, the oldest university in Texas, and Baylor is a Baptist college, i.e., Waco is a very conservative city. Knowing this is true, to me at least, means that if you ever have to go through the criminal justice system, chances are that the jury of your peers hearing your case would be made up of very conservative (read: law and order types) people. To not realize this fact, you would have to be a dumbass. Leon Willis Wilkerson, 55, is a dumbass of the highest order. I mean this guy was beat with the Dumbass Stick. A lot. Here's why : Leon has been through courts in McClennan County before - to the tune of twelve(!) misdemeanors and eight felonies! But, wait! There's more! Our new friend Leon is a smoker. He was jonesing for a butt so bad, he stole a carton of cigarettes from a local store in Waco and got busted. This time, Leon's journey through the legal system ended quite badly for him. Ol' Leon ran into a jury of nice, conservative Baptists and those 12 people were nice enough to slap Mr. Wilkerson with 99 years in prison! For a carton of smokes! How dare they! Oh, wait. There were those eight other pesky felonies and twelve misdemeanors Leon had racked up. Being the nice, conservative Baptist people that they are, they determined Leon to be a habitual criminal - hence 99 years in the slammer. That's 9.9 years per pack of Newports there, Leon.  I have a sneaky feeling that Leon will be smoking in prison, but it won't be Newports, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Dumbass.This little anecdote should be your inspiration to have a great pre-Christmas Tuesday. Your boss may suck, you may be extremely tired or you could be suffering from allergies or something, but things could be worse. You could be Leon. And Leon is a dumbass.
Merry Christmas.

(hat tip to KDFW-TV, Dallas)

Sunday, December 23, 2012

ATTN: Men! Get Neutered & Receive a FREE Pizza!

Hold the Little Balls

Best of Dumbass News
As we all know, the economy is in pretty rough shape. As a result, many retailers are offering incentives for you to shop at their business. You know what I 1 get 1 free, late night sales that offer deep discounts, etc. I found a business with an incentive that tops anything you've ever seen before. It's so unique that it is Dumbass Worthy.

Snip Snip

A doctor in Sandwhich. Massachusetts had a plan for all you guys on the go. This special gives new meaning to the term "March Madness". For you men about town, Dr. Evan Cohen is offering with each vasectomy in March, a FREE pizza! Yes, men, while some guy is fooling around with your nut sack, you can enjoy a nice, hot pepperoni pizza! Pepperoni. Ironic, ain't it? The pizza of course contains no sausage balls. I'm just sayin'.

Dr. Cohen says that this is the busiest time of year in his clinic for men who seek vasectomies, so he thought a little enticement might boost business. Why he chose pizza I don't know. It seems to me that hookers would be more appropriate. I mean shouldn't a guy make test run with his newly snipped huevos rancheros.

Great Idea

Personally, I think this is a great idea. Not necessarily pizza as the premium, though. I think the good Doctor should give away a Cadillac or something with every 20th nut cuttin'. Now that would bring in the business. Think about it. Here are these guys who are giving up ever being a father again and all Dr. Cohen offers is a pizza? C'mon, Doc. Up the ante a little. However. it's quite possible that we don't want the vasectomees to reproduce again. They are in Massachusetts after all. But, I digress.

From a marketing standpoint, this is pure genius though. Professionals from all walks of life should give this promotion a try. Lawyers could give away a free divorce or write your will for free. Baby doctors give pass out free diapers, etc.

This whole idea does bring up a question though. What would a proctologist use as an incentive for a colonoscopy?

Nevermind. I don't wanna know.


Saturday, December 22, 2012

Beer Delivery Through 9-1-1!

"A 6 Pack of Bud at 222 Elm St., Mr. Smith? It'll Be Right Over!"
Best of Dumbass News
I live in New England. The six states that comprise New England are Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts. It's a great place to live if you throw out places like Connecticut. Why Connecticut and not, say, Maine? There is one major difference between the two states - Maine sells liquor on Sundays and in Connecticut, you can't even stop by a 7-11 and buy a six pack on Sunday! That's Communism pure and simple. "But, Toby!", you protest. "You don't even drink, so what's the big deal?" Well, here's your answer, smartypants. It's un-American! It's every American drunk's right to be able to spend part of the Sabbath drinking the adult beverage of his choice! It says so right in the Constitution of the United States! Or somewhere. No alcohol sales on Sunday lowers the Former Professional Drinker Rating of any state - like New Mexico, no alcohol sales on Sunday. At least when I lived in New Mexico, it was a short trip to Texas get get some beer. Or Colorado - they sell on 3.2 beer on Sundays in Colorado. Have you ever tasted 3.2 beer? I highly advise against it. Be prepared and buy your Sunday NFL Game beer on Saturday if you live in Colorado. Unless you live in extreme southeastern Colorado, it's too far too go to Texas to get a case of barley pop on Sunday. No package sales of booze on Sunday qualifies Connecticut as a Dumbass State. Why, such no alcohol sales on Sunday encourage criminal behavior! I can prove it.

There's a nice Senior Citizen Drunk, in other words, an Old Lush, living in Bridgeport, Connecticut who has been driven - driven, I say! - to a life of petty crime so he can get hammered on the Lord's Day. This dumbass Senior Citizen Drunk did what any self-respecting alcoholic would do when he ran out of beer on a recent Sunday. What did the drunk dumbass do? He called 911! Not once, but three times! This old dumbass was doing some serious Jonesin' for a Pabst Blue Ribbon. To his credit, however, he did offer to pay the Police to do a quick beer run for him, even though beer is not sold on Sunday in Communist Connecticut. That was the fatal flaw in his plan. That and calling 911 to deliver the suds to his house. See? I told you that no alcohol sales on Sunday would create criminal behavior in drunks all across the state. And since the cops wouldn't deliver it if they could, they (the cops) are relegated to answering calls about stoopid stuff like shootings and robberies. What a crock of shit that is. To protect and serve indeed!

I have a solution to this most urgent of problems that satisfies thirsty drunks and liquor store owners alike. Connecticut is a very small state, so delivery of booze to the needy drunk should be considered by capitalist pigs in border cities in neighboring states, as distance isn't really an issue. Maybe some enterprising booze vendor in a surrounding state could set up a Drunks R Us delivery kind of deal. He'd make a ton of money, create new jobs and thus would increase tax revenue for his home state! As an added bonus, the booze delivery guys would spend more money on gasoline, thereby helping out another business person at the same time! That would then piss off the Climate Change Dickweeds who would belch and spew snot everywhere because of the added CO2 released into the environment. And what would Pissed Off Climate Change Dickweeds need in order to throw a first rate protest? Signs! Enter the local sign making guy who can also profit from this ingenious idea. Trickle down economics, baby! This deal is so simple even a first grader could have figgered it out. But, then again, I know very few first graders that like beer. Sure, there are some kinks to be worked out, but this idea is absolutely brilliant! Oh, yeah...and such nuisance 911 calls from drunk dumbasses would be all but eliminated. Except for the lushes from Bridgeport. But that's another story for another day.


Friday, December 21, 2012

Wear a Crucifix? You Are a Gangsta!

Best of Dumbass News

OK, so now I am pissed. Again.

I have fucking had it with our nation's Public Schools. Not all of them, mind you, just many of them. Included in the "many" category is the Anoka-Hennepin School District in Minnesota. AHSD, it is your turn to face the Wrath of the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. You. Have. Gone. Too. Far.

Prepare to be chewed up and spit out, ya bunch of Liberal Pussy Dumbasses.

It's the least I can do.

Grandma, Cancer & the Rosary

There is a 15 year old young man who is a student at Coon Rapids High School in the Anoka-Hennepin School District. His name is Jake Balthazor. Jake's grandma recently underwent breast cancer surgery. Jake loves Granny and as a show of solidarity with her in her fight against this horrific disease, Jake started wearing a Rosary to school. he does so because, in his words, "I feel safe, like she's right here with me."

Personally, I think this is a very touching gesture on Jake's behalf. But the nimrods in the administartion at Coon Rapids High see things differently.

They told Jake that he can't wear the Rosary to school. These Dumbasses said that Jake had to remove the Rosary or tuck it inside his shirt. You wanna know why?

Because, according to the admins at Coon Rapids High School ( I am not making this up), some Godless young criminal bastards have coopted the Rosary (not Jake's Rosary specifically, but Rosaries in general) as a gang symbol!

What a Crock

I am going to pull a large section of the article I found this story in and post it here.

The excerpt from the Star Tribune in Minneapolis-St. Paul:

Balthazor, who said he doesn't belong to a gang, had worn the beads in school uneventfully until Tuesday. He said he hadn't known they were banned. School officials said they hadn't known about his grandmother until learning about her in news reports.

Balthazor and his family say they feel singled out, that others have worn rosary beads without incident. District spokeswoman Mary Olson said that knowing about Balthazor's grandmother might have changed how officials thought about things but probably wouldn't have changed the outcome.

Sometimes, when students wear a gang symbol, she said, "someone from the opposing gang may attack them or may do something that would start a fight or something that would be a disruption in the school. So it's really a matter of safety." (emphasis mine - ed.)

Coon Rapids Police Chief Brad Wise said the school was "in a tough spot. If something bad had happened to that boy and the school had knowledge that he was wearing something they knew could be viewed as a gang symbol, that would be a problem for the district. They were in a no-win situation in this, and they had to make a judgment call. There will be those who disagree with it."
Has it happened?

Chuck Samuelson is one. The executive director of the American Civil Liberties Union of Minnesota said he wondered whether any kid in Minnesota had been attacked by Latino gangs for wearing a rosary. Or, he wondered, was the rule a reaction to something that happened once, somewhere else?
Wise said he doesn't know of a problem with Latino gangs at Coon Rapids High School, but that a problem might not be obvious. Olson also said she was unaware of such a problem in the district.
Longtime Twin Cities youth worker Sarah Klouda has worked for a decade with police and youths who identify with gangs. She said that she only recently heard of rosaries being used by gangs, but that she's never heard of anyone being harmed because of one.

Among Roman Catholics, rosaries are a symbol sacred to the Virgin Mary. The prayer beads are carried and prayed upon but never worn.

At Sagrado Corazon de Jesus, a Spanish-speaking Catholic congregation in Minneapolis, the Rev. Vicente Miranda said he was unaware of the rosaries as a gang symbol. He also said the things of God should not be used for evil.
People who are not Catholic, he added, would not have any reason to wear a rosary around their necks.   (Note: Jake is a Lutheran)

Balthazor and his mom, Lisa Thompson, maintain his right to wear the symbol.
"Jake is a kid with a big heart," Thompson said. "When he believes in something, he will stand up for it, and I will back him 100 percent."

On Thursday, his grandmother was in recovery after successful surgery, Thompson said.

Balthazor wore the rosary to school again Thursday, the last day of school, with no problems. At least one friend wore one, too. He may continue to wear it next year.
"They're getting too carried away with all the gangs and their dress code and everything; it makes me want to move now," he said. "A lot of my friends keep on telling me to stay strong with it and just do what you think is right."

Aloha Snackbar

I was, until a few minutes ago, unaware that some Godless Little Bastards, mostly Hispanic, had adopted Rosaries as symbols of their gang membership. Apparently, that is the case. But, I don't give a shit whether they do or not. That's not the point. (My guess is that any young person of Hispanic heritage {remember that about 99.99999% of Hispanics are Catholic} who uses a Rosary as a gang-related symbol would get his ass kicked by Mamacita or Abuela quicker than you can say "guacamole".)

These criminal little cocksuckers ain't gonna take something that has been a part of my Faith for many hundreds of years away from me. Yes. I am Catholic, so I have a dog in this hunt. But so do you non-Catholics. What are you Protestants gonna do if some kid is told that he can't wear the fish symbol on his lapel while at school? Or the Jews? What if a Star of David pin is deemed to be verboten? Oh, wait. They already are, I'm sure. My bad. But the Dumbasses in schools all over the country appease the Muslims, so it's all good. God knows that nobody affiliated with the Religion of Peace would use a religious artifact as a symbol of violence or what have you. Just ask Al Qaeda. They'll tell you so.


I am so mad right now I could spit sparks.

It infuriates me that we have pushed God so far away from a public setting, like school. Hell, when I was a kid, we recited Psalm 100 every day before class started. We pledged allegiance to the flag of the United States of America every day as well. "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands..." indeed.

And don't even utter the words "separation of Church and State". Those words are NOWHERE to be found in the 1st Amendment to the Constitution of the United States. OK, find 'em for me:  

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."  

"In God We Trust", anyone? That's out National Motto.

I get this sneaky feeling that the Founding Fathers didn't want this country to be free from religion, just not members of a State Sponsored religion. The overwhelming majority of our Founding Fathers were Christian and God played a major role in their daily lives. Three of the men we think of as the Founders were Catholics who signed and were framers of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence.

I will go out on a limb here and loudly proclaim that the Protestants among our Founding Fathers were not afraid of those wily Catholics using their Rosaries as gang symbols or symbols of subversion.

It's just the Liberal Pussies who run our Public Schools that see things that way. Screw 'em. And don't kiss 'em.


Thursday, December 20, 2012

Married Mayor Steals From City, Says He Did It Cuz He's Gay

Today's story is one of those things that could happen anywhere at any time. At first glance, it's just another story of a politician that was using the public coffers for his own benefit and enrichment. That is what in legalese is known as "embezzlement". Embezzlement is a serious no no and can land one in The Big House for an extended period of time if convicted.

But, there is more to this story than meets the eye.

Please permit me to expound.


A Mississippi mayor accused of misusing taxpayer money to buy personal items was indicted Tuesday on embezzlement, false pretense and making fraudulent statements charges.
Southaven Mayor Greg Davis has been under scrutiny since November 2011, when the Mississippi Auditor's office told him to repay $170,000 for allegedly improper billings, including travel, food, liquor and one bill for $67 at Priape. <----remember this word.

Like I told you up there^^^, there's seemingly nothing more to the story than a small town Mayor ripping off the citizens to whom he is sworn to serve.

Mayor Twinkletoes
The Mayor has been charged with a bunch of other shit also and could very well end up serving a lengthy prison term.

But the best part of the story is yet to come.

That Word  

Remember that word that I asked you to keep in mind? Priape. That's French for "Priapos". What is "Priapos? This is "Priapos": In Greek mythology, Priapus or Priapos (Ancient Greek: Πρίαπος), was a minor rustic fertility god, protector of livestock, fruit plants, gardens and male genitalia. Priapus is marked by his absurdly oversized, permanent erection, which gave rise to the medical term priapism

Do you see where this is going? No?

Let me splain.

NSFW Material Comin' Up

The good Mayor spent at least $67 of taxpayer money at a place called Priape. Priape has to do with weenies and erections. OK, one more hint. EXTREME NSFW HOMO  ALERT! This is Priape.

Yes! The Mayor is a Goober Gobbler!

He has been married for 18 years to Suzann and is the father of three daughters. Listen to what Mrs. Mayor Homo has to say about her husband, 'Greg is a wonderful husband and girl-daddy,’ Suzann Davis was quoted as saying about her husband. ‘He can fix a broken toilet ---- and do one of the best ponytails you have ever seen!' Well, hell! Not only is the Mayor a great homo husband, he can fix toilets, make super ponytails and is a wonderful girl-daddy to top it all off. I bet he's a fabulous decorator too.

I'm sure those are qualities that will serve the Mayor well as he enters the next phase of his life as a prison bitch. I mean, being able to "do one of the best ponytails you have ever seen" is certainly a resume enhancer in The Big House. And fixing broken toilets? To die for!

Oh, one more thing. The part about being a "girl-daddy"? That should be very appealing to a certain segment of the prison population

Look, I don't give a shit whether this guy is a homo, a hetero or a switch hitter, that's his own bidness. What I do care about is that he stole from the very people who entrusted to him the Office of Mayor of Southaven, Mississippi and the duties and responsibilities of said office.

Instead, he screwed 'em. Now it's his turn to get a good fucking - in the State Pen.


***Hat tip to The Daily Mail Online***

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Guy Loses $20K in Drug Cartel's Cash, Asks Cops to Write Excuse Note!

John Wayne once said, "Life is hard. It's even harder if you're stupid."

Who am I to argue with The Duke? Those nine words are some of the most powerful ever spoken, ranking right up there with "I have a dream", "Four score and seven years ago" and "Where's the beef?" That's walkin' in some high oratory cotton right there.

Today's story is the perfect illustration of what Mr. Wayne said.

Trouble in Tucson 

Demarco Thomas must have a rough life. He is stoopid. Real stoopid.

Thomas was traveling through Tucson recently when he noticed that he'd misplaced some cash. Twenty thousand dollars worth of cash! Now what on Earth would a guy like Demarco Thomas be doing with 20 Large in cash? Do the words "alleged drug courier" mean anything to you?

Demarco Alonzo Thomas, Dumbass
So here's an alleged drug courier who has somehow lost twenty. big. ones. Knowing this, I am able to deduce that not only has Demarco lost 20 Grand, he has lost someone else's 20 Grand. And who, pray tell, could this someone else be? You got it! A Big Time Drug Dealer! I ain't the smartest Dumbass in the room, but something deep inside me says that losing twenty thousand dollars that belong to a Big Time Drug Dealer is not a good thing. My understanding is that doing such a thing can lead to a sudden stoppage in breathing. 

Seeking Help

Demarco was also concerned about the repercussions of losing all that cash, so he immediately sought help. From the Police! 

But wait, this story is about to get a lot better. Better even than the Dumbasses whose car holding $425,000 worth of pot got hijacked

Fearing for his life, he called police to ask if an officer could write a note to the local cartel explaining that he lost $20,000 in drug money; he thought it might smooth things over if he could show cartel members a phony receipt from the local police stating they had seized the money, the Arizona Daily Star reported.

I can see it now:

Dear Bloodthirsty Big Time Drug Dealing Cartel Guy, 

Could you please excuse Demarco for losing $20,000 of your ill gotten gains. It was an honest mistake that could have happened to any drug courier. We know that this a lot of money, but it is a mere drop in the bucket compared to the millions of dollars you collect while peddling Death-in-a-Small- Baggie to poor schlubs everywhere.

In light of this fact, we politely ask that you not be too harsh on Demarco by cutting off his hands or resorting to some other barbaric punishment for his little boo boo. It is our firm belief that a very harshly worded scolding done in a very stern manner would be sufficient in helping Demarco realize that what he did was not very responsible. 

Thank you for your compassion in this matter.

Tucson Police Department

In other words, Demarco Thomas is in deep doo doo. He's either a Prison Bitch or a dead man.

I hope the Bloodthirsty Big Time Drug Dealing Cartel Guy opens up his heart to forgiveness regarding Demarco's blunder.

$20,000 says he won't.


Dumbass Lies That Will Save Your Nut Sack - Maybe

"Tell the Truth, Dumbass!"
Best of Dumbass News

Here's an Old Saying that I just made up : "All liars are Dumbasses but not all Dumbasses are liars". Pretty profound, huh? Yeah, I come up with a good one once in a while.

The preceding Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Words of Wisdom and Dumbassery© are mainly true for male Dumbasses when talking to female Dumbasses. Under certain circumstances, when presented with a choice of telling the truth or lying like a mangy flea-bitten dawg, a male Dumbass will lie through his teeth every. single. time.

In all fairness to male Dumbasses everywhere, sometimes a lie will save your life - not to mention your gazebos. As a Public Service to Prevaricating Dumbasses of the XY Chromosome Persuasion, I shall point out some instances where a teensy weensy fib is an infinitely better choice than telling the God's honest truth.

It 's OK to Lie When...

Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, Top Dumbass Material Contributor and You Tube Star,  found an article on about The Top 10 Lies Men Tell Women. I will list a few of them below, then give my take on the proper way to address the deal.

  • Does this dress make my ass look big? Fellas, this is a trick question. A woman asks you this because she really wants to know the truth. Except she really doesn't. I told you it was a trick question. One the one hand, a lady honestly wants to know if a certain dress makes her ass look too big. She can't, after all, go to a party, business dinner, etc. wearing a dress that makes her rear end look like the back side of a Mack truck. This is both embarrassing and unprofessional. Therein lies the dilemma for a male Dumbass. Let's say the dress is too tight and you know it. You then politely say, "Honey, that dress fits you a little snugly". The woman, wanting to hear the truth but not wanting to hear it all at the same time, hears you say, "Bitch, your ass is so wide I'd have to measure it using the length of axe handles". 
Solution: Lie and lie convincingly. I mean real convincingly. A little white lie here can mean the difference in leading a life with happy gazebos or no gazebos at all. The gazebos win every time.
  • I Don't Enjoy Going to Strip Clubs. Men, you have dug your own grave here with one foot in it and the other foot on a banana peel. The only way out is to know when to stop digging. And by "stop digging" I mean of course, "stop lying". You are in a no-win situation at this point, guys. So just shut the fuck up. Here's the deal: you have begun lying to a woman by lying before you ever get the chance to tell the real lie! Of course you like going to strip clubs! You are a man for Pete's sake! Men are horn dawgs and going to a strip club is the closest to being a philandering bastard as you can get without actually being a philandering bastard! Unless, of course, you are already a low-life cheating scuz ball. 
Solution: Don't lie to begin with. Women are not stoopid. They can see through a lie like this like Superman looks through brick walls. Or G-strings. Women know (they may not understand, but they know) that men are pigs. A man, when faced with the choice of settling down with one woman and the same poon every night for the next fifty years or cavorting about with nubile young women who look like Jessica Alba without clothes on and getting new poon every night of his life, will, believe it or not, always go home to someone they love before they go on a Stripper Hump-a-Thon. Even the horniest of marrried men need the comfort and reassurance that only a good woman at home can provide.

If you want to go to the Jiggle Joint with your buddies, simply tell your wife, "Baby, I'm going to the Pierced Nipple with Frank. We just want to check out some young, firm hooters. You know, the kind you used to have?"

Then call a divorce lawyer.


Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Frozen Pizza Leads to Attempted Murder!

Life is hectic. Even more so at this time of year, what with all the Christmas/Hanukkah festivities going on in schools, churches, synagogues and communities all across the Fruited Plain.

When some precious free time avails itself to us, it's nice to sit back and take it easy for a few hours by taking in a movie or some other leisurely activity.

Or you could throw a frozen pizza in oven and watch a bunch of has-beens and never-weres on some stoopid shit TV thing like the recent 12/12/12 concert.

That's exactly what Richard and Debra Watson of Orange City, Florida were doing when things got out of hand. And by "out of hand" I naturally mean "attempted murder".

Half Done Totino's

Dick and Deb (I hope they don't mind if I call them Dick and Deb and fuck 'em if they do) were having a nice quiet evening at home. Deb was watching that dumbass 12/12/12 concert while Dick was off in another room of the house measuring out 8-balls of blow. OK, I made up the part about measuring out 8-balls. I just wanted to spice up this story.

Anyway, the concert had ended and Dick went into the living room to join Deb is a little frozen pizza action. The pizza wasn't cooked well enough for Dick so he got mad and threw his plate full of Totino's Double Pepperoni onto the floor. Not to be outdone, Debra did likewise. Now we have two plates of perfectly good frozen-yak shit-for-pizza decorating the LR floor.

This is where the dog's water bowl comes in.

Glub Glub

You see, it is at this point of this tawdry episode that Richard takes exception to the fact that Debra threw her not-quite-done pizza across the room also. I guess Dick is the only one in that household that is allowed to chunk cheap ass frozen pizza to the other side of the house.

We can surmise that Dick was pissed because this was when Dick tackled Deb and thrust her face into a dog's bowl full of water!

After nearly being drowned to death, Deb was able to break free from Dick. Dick, however, caught up with her and backed her into a corner where he proceeded to strangle her!

A neighbor called the cops and Richard Watson was arrested.  

At this juncture of our story I have concluded a few things.
  1. Dick doesn't like half-cooked cheap ass pizza.
  2. Dick gets really upset when somebody besides him tosses cheap ass pizza across the living room.
  3. That must be a helluva big doggy water bowl if it holds enough water to drown a full grown woman.
  4. While putting forth a maniacal effort to commit homicide, Dick is really persistent.
  5. Dick is a dick.
All told, Dick will soon be getting plenty of dick as a prison bitch once he has been convicted of attempted murder-by-doggie-water bowl.

A Dumbass First

In the nearly two and a half years that I have been writing this blog, we have seen attempted murder-by-toilet seat,  attempted murder-by-The Walking Dead and out and out murder by squeezing a man's scrotum until he DIED, but this is the very first time at Dumbass News that we have covered an attempted murder-by-doggie's-water-dish.

Congratulations, Dick, may you soon queef where you used to fart.


Monday, December 17, 2012

Best Buy Shoplifter vs. United States Marines; Multiple Injuries Ensue

Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, Georgia was at Best Buy minding his own bidness as he was doing his Christmas shoplifting a little early this year when his plans went awry. And by "awry" I mean he was met with a surprise as he tried to escape with a purloined laptop.

Semper Fi.


***Shamelessly Ripped Off from I Hate the Media***

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Unfriended on Facebook: Leading Cause of Arson!

Best of Dumbass News

Friends. What would we do without them? We've all had a friend who was more like a brother or sister than just a friend. He (or she) was the person you went to when your girlfriend broke up with you. Or when the death of a loved one changed life as you knew it. Or just to get hammered. Tommy Thompson was that friend to me. Always there when I needed a brother. Always there when a family tragedy struck. And damn sure always there when I was ready to make Adolph Coors Company, Golden, Colorado a lot richer. Then the fucker up and died on me. I'm still pissed at him. No matter though, Tommy is always with me in Spirit when I'm doing something stupid or that family thing happens. He'd probably kick my ass if he knew I quit drinking. Now that's a friend for ya!

Besides missing my Best Friend Ever, I told that little story about Tommy for a reason. The reason? Dumbasses have friends, too. Like these two dumbass bitches in Iowa of all places.


I have been to Iowa. it's a nice place. Middle America, corn, dumbasses....Jennifer Harris had a friend named Nikki. They were friends in real life and friends on Facebook. Then tragedy struck. Tragedy beyond your wildest dreams. Worse even than a death in the family. Nikki unfriended Jennifer on Facebook! Horror of horrors! This comes from the Des Moines Register, "According to Detective Jack Kamerick, the dispute had much to do with a Facebook event the former-best friends were planning. Jen asked Nikki to create an event on Facebook for a party. Nikki did that,” Kamerick told the Register. “As the date for the party approached there were a lot of ‘declines,’ on Facebook."

In Des Moines, which is French for "my ass burns like the surface of the sun", when you unfriend someone on Facebook, you had just as soon call the Pope a Jehova's Witness. It's serious bidness. Having been unfriended, Jennie became distraught. Very distraught. She was so distraught in fact, that she did the only thing she could do. Unfriend Nikki? Hell no. Nothing that serious. Jennifer promptly marched her unfriended ass to Nikki's house and proceeded to set it on fire! Most of would think that setting your former best friend's house on fire because you were unfriended on Facebook is a little on the extreme side. But this is Des Moines, Iowa we're talking about here. What do you expect the people there to do? Build a Field of Dreams?


Saturday, December 15, 2012

Strip Club Evacuation! Ugly Strippers First Out

Best of Dumbass News
As a Former Professional Drinker I can assure you that I contributed to the United States economy in ways that your Non-Professional Drinker does not.

For example, back before General Motors and Chrysler got themselves in a big jam, they owed to me a debt of gratitude, not to mention a new Corvette, for my contributions to their financial well being. Not all of their success but a great deal of it.

You may be asking yourself how could a solitary Fearless Leader be such a boon to the automotive industry in the United States? The answer? Strippers. I dropped enough money on lap dances to finance several dozen new cars. With extended warranties. I had the money to blow, so why not help out a stripper? It beats the hell out of giving to the nitwits who sell flowers on street corners. I'll take knockers over flowers any day of the week.

Not So Good Places

Some of the Jiggle Joints I patronized were not what you'd call "gentlemen's clubs". Dives is more like it. I was going into to this one place in Houston one time with a couple of my buddies visiting from Dallas when there was a hail of gun fire right in front of the entrance to the place. Spooky indeed. So, what did we do? We went in. What did you expect? There were boobies waiting to be gawked at in there.

Fire! Or Not.
In the more "high class" strip clubs the props used by the dancers range from that well-known piece of exercise equipment known asthe "stripper pole" to ribbons and fog machines. Only the ugly stippers, however, used the fog machines. But even the most high-tech and foggiest of fog machines can not hide ugly. Take my word for it.

I did not pay for lap dances from ugly strippers. A nice rack can get a girl only so far with me. Ugly is a deal-breaker.


Down in Hotlanta, a group of Professional Drinkers and bidnessmen were sitting around looking at tatas and blowing their hard earned money at a strip joint when a thick smoke filled the room. Thicker and thicker the smoke became. "Fire!", someone yelled. So the pro drinkers and the Guys Cheating on Their Expense Accounts were herded outside the club.

Enter the Fire Department. Unable to locate the blaze, one fireman bravely entering the "inferno", struggling to see through the thick smoke when he finally came upon the source of the smoke.

You guessed it. A stripper fog machine!

It seems as if if one of the strippers forgot to turn off the fog machine after her routine and the smoke quickly filled up the entire titty bar! This ruins a good day of looking at nice racks rather quickly.

Preguntas (a little Meskin lingo there)

As usual, I have questions.
  • How could a stripper fog machine be making fog for a long enough period of time without being noticed until the whole club looked like downtown London?
  • Who was the Dumbas in charge of turning off the stripper fog machine? The stripper or some minimum wage bar back who was too drunk to remember to shut it off?
  • Why did this Strip Club hire an ugly stripper? Remember, only ugly stripper use fog machines.
  • Did the management of the club fire whoever screwed up all the boob ogling?
  • Is the ugly stripper still working there?
  • What happened to the stripper fog machine?
Inquiring minds want to know.


Friday, December 14, 2012

New Drug Smuggling Device: Breast Implants!

Illicit drugs are bad ju ju. Buying them is wasteful, using them is stoopid and selling them is criminal at best.

No matter, because selling dope is a lucrative bidness and where there's a shit load of easy money to be made and demand for a product, illegal or not, there's a Dumbass willing to take a chance. And when it comes to dealing in narcotics, the bad guys are lined up around the block waiting for a chance at The Big Score.

Where There's a Will, There's a Way

Recently, I wrote about a pair of Dumbass of the Year candidates who were busted while smuggling cocaine in their hair weaves! Not to be outdone, there was another Darwin Award-worthy numb skull who was caught shipping coke (and I don't mean cola) inside of roasted chickens! Brilliant, but not good enough to fool the Law as evidenced by the lengthy prison sentences these dip shits are serving.

Despite the never ending set backs, dope dealers are constantly trying to figure out ways to outsmart Law Enforcement to distribute their drugs to an ever-growing clientele without getting caught.

That's where today's story picks up.

Breast Enhancement

A few days ago, a Panamanian Lady was arrested in Barcelona, Spain for transporting three pounds of cocaine into the country - in her tits! Ingenious! The Old Blow in the Boobs Trick!

"But, Fearless Leader", you inquire, "what's so unique about smuggling nose candy inside of a bra?" I did not say the Nice Panamanian Lady By Way of Bogota, Colombia had the coke hidden in her over the shoulder boulder holder, I said she had it hidden in her knockers! Literally. (Thanks, Joe Biden! Literally.)

Fake Boobs, Real Cocaine
Spanish authorities say they have arrested a Panamanian woman arriving at Barcelona airport with 3 pounds of cocaine concealed in breast implants.
The Interior Ministry said Wednesday that border police noticed fresh scars and blood-stained gauze on her chest as well as pale patches beneath her skin.
The woman said she had recently had breast implant surgery. The statement said police were suspicious and sent her to a local hospital where the implants were removed and found to contain cocaine. 

Automatic Dumbass of the Year Nomination!

This has got to be the most diabolically canny methods of drug smuggling in the History of Transporting Contraband. Whoever came up with this idea deserves the Pablo Escobar Murderous Narco-Trafficker Memorial Award for originality and the second best use of boobs ever.

While we've had some doozies over the course of 2012, this story leaps into contention for the coveted Fred G. Sanford "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award. Could it be a double? The Pablo AND the Dummy? An award for each tit? A Booby Prize?

Time will tell.


***Hat tip to Fox News***
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