Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: February 2012 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Best of Dumbass News: Bank Leaves Doors Unlocked All Weekend!

Even in a time of no blogging, I am still feeding you dumbasses your spoonful of Daily Dumbassery. Can't a Fearless Leader catch a break? I thought not. Dumbasses.

I will be away from the blog for a few more days but I am pre-posting some of the best stories so far from 2012. It's been an unexpectedly fruitful start to the year, and even though I am somewhere else, the Dumbass Momentum continues to build up a head of steam with some great stuff.

Great Stuff - 1/8/12

Happy What-Would-Be Elvis' 76th Birthday, Dumbasses! It was also 37 years ago today that I attended my last day of high school. I, quite by accident mind you, had all my required courses completed so I decided "To hell with this". I partied for a couple of weeks (I was 18 and we could legally buy alcohol at the time) and then got a job. I was making $3.25 an hour, living at home. Dad paid all the bills and was on the road most of the time, so it was almost like having a bachelor pad of my own. All I had to pay for was my own beer and leave Dad's brew alone. Not a bad gig for an 18 year old. Oh, yeah! I also got to drive Dad's brand new 1974 Camaro LT. I just supplied the gas, which was less than 20 cents a gallon back then. If I had four dollars, I had a full tank of gas.

The Setup

We're barely a week into the new year and we're lining up 2012 Dumbass of the Year contenders like Charlie Sheen picking out hookers to share his nose candy with. Literally every day that I have written a new post, the dumbass in the story could be a DOTY nominee. Just take a look at the archives for January if you doubt me. That streak continues today with a story that I never imagined in my wildest dreams could actually happen. 

I hope you are sitting down. 

The Unexpected and the (Still) Unexplained

Wells Fargo. The company that bears that name has been a part of the United States banking system since 1852 and I'll bet you $10 that what I am about to tell you has never happened in the storied 160 year history of the firm.

On January 4, 2012, last Friday, the Wells Fargo Bank on Arena Blvd. in Sacramento, closed its doors at the end of the business day and the fine people who work there went home to enjoy the weekend with their families. Not unlike millions of other Americans. But that weekend would turn out to be a once-in-160 years event. After all the bank employees left for home, the last guy out at the Wells Fargo bank turned out the lights and he too, headed for the Ponderosa. Last Guy forgot one minor thing however. He forgot to lock the bank's door! How in the name of all that is Holy can Last Guy forget to lock the door of a branch of one of the largest banks in the world??? Good Gawd Almighty, y'all!


Last Guy is probably one of those neurotic dumbasses that locks his car doors (when he's washing it!), locks his front door when he's at home (in the day time!) and has a dead bolt on the bathroom door. Last Guy secures his house like Fort Knox, but can't remember to lock the door of a bank that has untold millions of dollars inside? What.The.Fuck.? Henry Wells and William Fargo (yes, that Wells and Fargo) are rolling over in their graves so fast, they sound like a couple of Japanese motorcycles doing 100 mph in 2nd gear. I mean dayum, dude.


OK 


I have a couple of thoughts on this situation. First, does Last Guy still have a job? If not, 7-11 is always hiring and they are open 24/7. This is a lucky break for Last Guy because a job at 7-11 ensures that he'll never have to worry about locking doors again! This is a good thing. Also at Siete-Once (<----a little Meskin lingo there), cash counting time will be a breeze. Instead of counting thousands pf dollars, he'll only have to count up to about 50 bucks. That's all 7-11 employees are allowed to have in the cash drawer. And unless a robber is a crack head, what self-respecting criminal would be happy with robbing a business of only 50 dollars? 


Speaking of crooks (<----clever segue), I bet there wasn't a bad guy within three billion light years of the Wells-Fargo bank that had a glimmer of a thought that the door on the place would be wide-ass open. Not that that would be a deterrent, Last Guy probably forgot to turn on the security system too.


Dumbass.

Friday, February 17, 2012

The Latest Crime Tools: Peanut Butter & Jelly!

Tools of a Criminal
Many years ago there was a TV commercial that featured two people bumping into each other. One was eating from a jar of peanut butter, the other was munching on a Hershey's Bar looking thing. When they collided, the chocolate bar ended up in the jar of peanut butter and lo a new treat was born! The peanut butter cup.

Peanut butter, or crema de cacahuate as my Meskin friends like to call it, is like bacon - something that should be eaten often and with great vigor. Chocolate? Well, it's chocolate for God's sake. It's the only thing the Swiss do right except for watches. And yodeling. The Swiss are World Class yodelers. And World Class lonely people. Any group of people who create yodeling as a form of entertainment are very lonely people. And dumbasses. But, I'll ridicule the Swiss in another story on another day. Pussies.

Is This Guy Swiss?

Probably not. He's from Kentucky and his last name is "Toothman", which is funny as hell in its own right. As you have seen in this dumbass's mug shot from above, notice his mouth and you can tell the asswipe doesn't have a tooth in his head. But I understand that he is a World Class yodeler. They yodel a lot in The Blue Grass State. Especially when wild hogs are out of season. I'm just sayin'.

At any rate, our Dumbass of the Day, Andrew (he of toothless Toothman fame) broke into a local super market, The IGA, wearing nothing but boots. They do that a lot in Kentucky, too. Break into a supermarket wearing but boots, that is. Once Toothman gained entry into the store he went straight for the fire extinguishers and the Nyquil. That's a nice start right there. But, instead of sucking down the Nyquil like a pirate, Andy simply empties the fire extinguishers and wrote on the floor, using the Nyquil, "Sorry".


Crema de Cacahuate Meet Chocolate

It is at this point that Andy the Toothless enjoys his favorite treat on a more "personal level" - delicately, deliberately, delectably (barf) covering himself in IGA Brand peanut butter and a more well-known brand of jelly. Now if Andy only had two very large pieces of bread he could be the Largest Dumbass Sandwich in the World.

Later on the police arrived and after a few fleeting moments of thinking they were in Donut Heaven, realized that their dream police call was a real police call and arrested PB & J Man and took him to the County Lick Lock Up. I'm sure Andy will be well-received by the other prisoners with something more than a sweet snack on their minds, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

My only hope is that there is no dog involved in this caper. I'll leave it at that.

Dumbass.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

A Dumbass Threefer, Pistol in Starbucks Goes BOOM & Sueing Over Chickens

We are now over half way through February and about six weeks into 2012, and we already have an 18 wheeler full of potential Dumbass of the Year nominees. Maybe the Mayans were right and 2012 will be the last year of existence for Planet Earth. That's how goofy things have been so far this year.

As proof I offer you some examples of the Dumbasses who warrant our attention as possible DOY candidates.

The 1st Dumbass of 2012 is a Threefer! - This should have been an omen of things to come for 2012. Three Funky Old Dudes expose their prunish ding a lings in public to other men. As the old adage goes, "it's never too late to be a homo even if you're not one". A great way to kick off 2012.

Purse Goes BANG in Starbucks - Some young lady, a dumbass by trade, goes into a coffee joint with a loaded pistol in her purse and nearly shoots another customer in his frapachinos, narrowly missing another's latte.

Butthurt Dumbass Sues a Guy for Having Chickens in His Yard - We get a large portion of our Dumbass News from the Sunshine State of Florida. I think this holds true because the F L A has a large population of snow birds. Snow birds meaning "Yankees". I'm just sayin'.

There you have it, Day 1 of my vacation. The people mentioned in the posts above are excellent examples of the Dumbasses we have covered thus far in 2012. If you need more dumbassery, be sure to check out the blog archives. Be sure to share Dumbass News with your friends, or enemies, by sending them a link to the stories you like. In the right side bar, you'll se a widget named "Bookmark" where you can share the World's Greatest Dumbassery on almost 400 social web sites. I need the readers, so share it!  :)

Dumbass.

See you in a few days!

Toby
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I have made an Executive Dumbass Decision. I am gonna take about a week away from blogging to go on the Dumbass News World Search for Exemplary Dumbassery. Yes, I am going to travel the globe in sear....OK.OK.OK 'I am gonna take a few days off. It's been a while since I actually had a real break from keeping you up on the latest Dumbassery known to mankind. I know you guys will be OK without me, keeping your Dumbass Radar finely tuned to the events and people that we love to "feature" here on the blog.

In the meantime, I am going to schedule a few "Greatest Dumbass Hits" columns before I go dark, so when you need that Dumbass Fix, you'll be just a click away from a hit. If you read all the "Greatest Hits" posts, then be sure to check out the archives for your Daily Dose of Dumbass. Remember, there are almost 500 stories to choose from.

That's a lot of Dumbassery in one location.

If you find an article worthy of putting on Dumbass News, simply email it to me at readumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. I'll check it out as soon as I get back to "work".

Until then, adios and God bless you.

Toby
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Guy Riding Bus to Work: There Goes My Girlfriend's Stolen Car!

High Old Silver!
Karma. Is. A. Bitch.

1537.33 southbound miles from where I sit typing this story is Deltona, Florida, the scene of one of the biggest "what goes around comes around" in the History of Man. Sit back and enjoy the ride. It's a doozy.

Billy Joe and Bobbie Sue

Our story today starts with the saga of two young lovers with nothing better to do (<---gratuitous Steve Miller Band Lyrics Stealing) than to steal a car. So they steal a car from a girl named Cara. The victim did everything she was supposed to by calling the police and notifying her insurance company of the theft. Cara was pissed off at the turn of events and all the bullshit that she'd have to go through in order to replace her stolen car. She should have been pissed at herself because she was a dumbass. She left her car unlocked, practically begging for someone to take her wheels. Worse yet, Cara left her keys in the car! She might as well have put up a neon sign that read "Keys in Car! Steal it Now!".

But, soon, very soon, things would get better.

The two young lovers with nothing better to do Aaron and Amber, were celebrating their recent heist by taking a leisurely cruise around Deltona when they happened upon a bus. This was no ordinary bus. On board the bus was the boyfriend of the woman whose car was stolen! Like many bus passengers, the boyfriend was observing the beautiful Deltona scenery when something even more beautiful caught his eye. His girlfriend's car driving right along in traffic with the bus! A quick call to 9-1-1 got almost instance results.

Busted

The cops caught up with the two young lovers with nothing better to do, pulled them over and found that swiping a car was the least of the pair's troubles. After further searching of the pilfered automobile, the lawmen discovered several stolen credit and debit cards. A little added insult is the fact that the guy driving it had a suspended driver's license! On top of that Aaron's (the male half of the two young lovers with nothing better to do) girlfriend squealed on him to the cops like a pig with his snout stuck in a bear trap. Aaron will now do the squealing as he enters his new avocation as a prison bitch.

The couple had been going all over Deltona breaking in to cars and stealing shit, Cara was the only one stoopid enough to leave her car unlocked and the keys in it. Now she had her car back, no fuss, no muss. Lady Luck was smiling on Cara on this day and Karma the Bitch bit the two young lovers with nothing better to do smack dab on the ass.

Some People Have All the Luck

I hope Cara bought herself a Lotto ticket that day. The odds of what happen ed happening are something 39 gazillion to 1. I also hope Cara learned a valuable lesson about leaving the keys in her car.

As for the two young lovers with nothing better to do, they are now not two young lovers nor do they have nothing to do. I don't think I'm going out on a limb here in thinking that Aaron and Amber will have plenty to do for a stretch of 5 - 15. Guarding their privates and asses comes to mind. And learning new inmate-inspired nicknames. "Peaches" for him. "Spike" for her. I'm just sayin'.

Dumbasses.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Fake Cop Turns Tricks on Hookers

Dead Giveaway
Dumbasses run the gamut of the human experience - from the poorest of the poor to the heights and glory of the Presidency of the United States. Somewhere between those two extremes lie cops and also hookers.  Both make regular appearances on the pages of Dumbass News. Today's story features a policeman and his pursuit of ladies of the evening.! Oh, the anticipation of it all is killing me, so let's not waste another moment before getting down to the nitty gritty.

The Nitty Gritty

On at least four occasions since the first of the year, a dumbass named William Taylor has posed as an NYPD officer. Taylor was targeting hookers, threatening to throw them in the slammer. Unless they performed sex acts on him. He used his status as a "police officer" the coerce those poor whores into doing something they wouldn't ever do. Work for FREE! I'm sure they'd gladly give a little tit for tat with a real cop, but how dare a fake policeman take advantage of these poor defenseless sluts! What ever will they do for crack money now?!

Apparently one of the prostitutes that Taylor had played "hide the 38 snub nose pistol" with called the hooker version of 9-1-1 (6-9-6-9?) and complained that turning an extra trick each week to recoup her lost income was not good on the old "groceries". It also cut into her cocaine use by 10%. But dammit, all work and no play makes Shaniqua a bored harlot.

NYPD Ain't Happy

After laughing their asses off and knockin' out a couple of dozen Dunkin Donuts, the NYC cops thought about the call for a minute and said, "Hey! Some dumbass is out there stealing our free hookers! Next thing you know he's gonna be getting free coffee and eclairs at our favorite pastry shops! Something must be done!" Being a police officer is very often a thankless job and when some fake cop is getting all the free tunnel of love and possibly donuts too....well, it's more than a public servant can't take. So, they did something. No, they did not put up a 24/7 stakeout on local donut joints, they did actual police work.

Our man William, the El Fake-o Cop, enjoyed the company of one of his coke-addled hoes that he gave her his cell phone number! Because he wanted to be her pimp! I am not now a fake cop (or pimp), nor have I ever been one or played one on TV, but leaving your cell phone number with someone you have basically raped is not a very good idea. The NYPD had the same idea as me and began looking in earnest for William. After polishing off another few Dunkin Munchkins.

The Big Apple's Finest caught up with William and slapped enough charges on him that his new prison bitch name will be "Sparky", IYKWIMAITYD.

Epilogue

William Taylor the fake cop of New York City is a blight on humanity and should be dealt with accordingly within the parameters of the law. I think we can all count on the fact that William will be a favorite of many of his new house mates at Sing Sing.

Fart like a man while you can, William, soon you'll just go "poooooofff" when you break wind. Have a nice day.

Dumbass.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Penii: Lesbians Need Us!

Rock Solid
NSFW! Or Kids! Not X Rated, but pretty naughty.

Every day I chronicle some act of dumbassery that takes place somewhere on Planet Earth. One of my personal favorites is the story of the Penis Museum in Iceland. While I can understand that Iceland, due to its location and long winters, would host such an exciting  venue as a penis museum, I am, as a rule, totally against the hoarding of penises at any one location. The world needs penises. What if Lesbians took over the Earth? What would they do for a penis? As far as I know, Lesbians do not have penises and pro-creation between Lesbos would be impossible. But! With one solitary penis, Lesbians could pro-create to their hearts' desires, disposing of unwanted weenies as they saw fit. That would suck. There needs to be at least one man, and by extension (damn that's funny) one penis, to enjoy the "adventures" of the Lesbians that rule the world and thus pro-create more slit lickers.

I must stand with penises everywhere in supporting the Lesbian agenda, but opposing the indiscriminate disposal of unwanted ding a lings.

That is the Official Position of Dumbass News as decreed by me, Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde.

Icelanders Are Lonely People

I don't know exactly how to begin this post, except to say you'd better be sitting down when you read it. If you are at work and are prone to outbursts of violent laughter or any other orally-emitted sound effects that will cause people in cubicles two floors above you to ask, "What the hell was that?", stifle yourself or read this in private, like in the toilet, where weird noises are perfectly acceptable. If you are of the male persuasion, be thankful your gazebos and plumbing are attached and in good working order. You have been properly cautioned. Now...To the story!

Iceland, which is a lovely place if you like ice, is a wonderful country whose citizens like to collect penises. And put them on public display! I ain't makin' this shit up. I'm not that smart...or stoned. In the sleepy little fishing village of Husavik, which is Icelandic for the "Penis Collecting Dumbasses Who Put Ding-A-Lings on Public Display for Other Dumbasses to Pay to See", the good people of said sleepy fishing village have "stimulated" the economy by opening a Penis Museum! Yes, the (get this!) Icelandic Phallological Museum and its 208 penises are housed in that quaint little building in the photo. There, you'll find the penises of damn near every sea and land mammal in Iceland - except the ding dong of a man. Until now. As the article from Aol News states, "a donor named Pall Arason donated his educational tool to the museum in an impressive show of support for the sciences." What a guy! It's a man who truly is an incredible dumbass loves his country who'll donate his thingy for the good of science and the cock museum. The thing is  is that Arason is dead so he doesn't need his weenie anymore, but it's in death that he made his greatest contribution to the penis-collecting segment of Icelandic society. And any man that donates his doohickey for the good of science is OK by me...even if he's a dead dumbass. Just run that thought up your flagpole. Pall Arason, you are a hero to the Icelandic Phallological Museum and dick savers everywhere and your generosity will stand the test of time. You're a real ding dong dandy.

Dumbass.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

New Bank Robbery Tool; Underwear on the Head!

Bank Robber & Homo Faves
Criminals are, by definition, dumbasses. Out of the billions of crimes committed around the world each day, when was the last time you heard of the "perfect crime"? Yeah, I know that against all odds some crooks get away with their crimes. The "not quite so perfect crimes" are ones where the bad guys get away with their misdeeds for a number of years, then one day the FBI knocks on their door and Freedom ain't so free any more.

I mean I can understand the fact that some idiot robs a 7-11 and gets away with it. Look at who works at a 7-11 these days - guys from Calcutta named "Bruce". No offense to guys from Calcutta named Bruce, but sometimes these fellows are new to our country and things between them and the cops can get lost in the translation.

This Ain't a 7-11

One crime that so many dumbasses attempt and think they can get off Scot Free is bank robbery. I have never understood this train of thought. Banks in the USA are probably the most surveilled locations in the world. I have seen banks whose structure was a mobile home. I don't know how common this is in 49 states, but I do know that in my home state of Texas, some very small towns actually have a bank housed in a mobile home. I ain't kiddin'.

Regardless, even these mobile home banks have very modern security systems. Just like any other bank, there are video cams every two feet overlooking every square inch of the place with the exception of the toilet.

So why would some dipshit think that he could rob a bank, move to Belize and live out his days on his ill-gotten gains? I just don't get it, yet every day some dumbass robs a bank thinking he'll be the first ever to elude the law. A safer bet would be that a Britney Spears marriage lasts a full week.


Skid Marks on the Disguise

Down in the Florida Keys, where the lifestyle is, how shall we say, "laid back", some stoned dumbass thought that it would be a really good idea to rob a bank. Aside from the fact that robbing a bank pisses off the best law enforcement people in the world (see:FBI, Dept of Treasury, etc), even if this shit for brains had the perfect plan, he was robbing a bank on an island! The word "island" to me indicates that the land the bank is located on is surrounded by water. I could be wrong, but in this case, I think I'm spot on.

You may, as I do when I learn of a story like this one, what exactly does a bank robber in the FLA Keys were for a disguise when he commits his felonious act? My first inclination is to think that he wears a Jimmy Buffett mask but that's just too passe for The Keys. My second choice for a bank robbing disguise in the Keys is ....underwear! this is a perfect ruse. Nobody in the Keys wears underwear, so chances are that a bank teller would freak out at the sight of some Fruit of the Looms.

A Note for the Teller 

The would-be felon did indeed go into the bank with underwear on his head and all intentions of ripping it off, going so far as to hand the teller a note saying, and I quote, "Give me what are the 20 and 50s". it is now clear why the draws (underwear) on the head trick wasn't such a big deal. While brilliant, the dumbass could have walked into the bank with a poster of his ID on it and not a soul would have noticed. The note he gave the teller fucked up the whole deal. The poor teller didn't know whether to shit or go blind. Instead, she laughed. A lot. OK, I made the laughing part up, but would it surprise you if the teller fell over from laughing so hard and she had an aneurism?

You know what's even better about this entire robbery? The teller was so confused by the note that the bad guy just gave up, turned around and split the scene. bwahahahahahahahaha!!! He was busted a few minutes later sans draws and now is serving time with a prison full of Florida Keys Homos that want to "drill baby drill".

The next question would be, "Boxers or briefs?". I'm just sayin'.

Dumbass.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Dumbass at Gun Show Shoots Self! Embarrassment Ensues

Firewater & Firepower
I am a big supporter of gun ownership in the United States. As I have stated before, the Right to Bear Arms is second to the Freedom of Speech, Religion etc. for a reason; protection. Not only protection from bad guys foreign and domestic, but protection from an overpowering gubmint. While many of you may disagree with me on this point, and that's fine with me, I am not here to make a case for the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution, I am here to show that with gun ownership comes the ownership of responsibility that is part and parcel of owning a firearm.

Rules for Gun Owners

Rule No.1 - Always assume a gun is loaded. Common sense, ain't it? But not all gun owners follow this guideline. More on that in a minute.

Rule No.2 - If you aim a gun at another human bean, you'd better be ready to use it. Period.

There are, of course, other rules for gun ownership, but these two are the most important of them in my opinion. Just like the 1st and 2nd Amendments, these rules are numbers one and two, in that order, for a reason.

Rule No.1? What's That?

99.9% of all gun owners in the US follow these two rules and all the rest necessary to safe and responsible stewardship of weaponry. Those who don't are one of two things: a criminal or a dumbass. We know about the criminal element and guns, so let's take a look at a Dumbass who falls into the 0.1% who don't always observe gun safety properly.

At a Gun Show?

One would think that a guy in the South would be at the top of the list of guys who respect the power and dangers of guns. This would go double for a guy who is an attendee at a Gun Show! One would be doubly wrong in this case.

Charles Lake was at a big Gun Show and Terrorist Target Practice Extravaganza in Savannah, Georgia. Chuck is a big boy of twenty-six years and one would suspect that he might know better than to ignore any gun safety rules. One would again be wrong.

Charlie was reloading his pistol, after a resounding round of target practice I assume, and guess what? BOOM! He shot himself in the leg! It would appear that Charles didn't exactly follow Rule No. 1 very conscientiously doesn't it?

The Tale of 2 Charles Lakes

I know a guy named Charles Lake, but this Charles Lake is not him. As I stated, this Charles Lake is a dumbass in Georgia and the CL I know is a dumbass in Texas. My Charles Lake is a bit older than the guy in GA as well. So all you Dumbass Friends of mine at the Half Moon Bar and Grill Lunchtime Lush Hour, don't pick on your Charles Lake. If, and that's a BIG if, this would have happened to the CL in Texas, he would have blasted his gazebos to high heaven. The dumb fuck in Savannah suffered a minor leg injury - no gazebo involvement at all. Too bad. The asswipe can still reproduce.

Besides, if my friend Charles L in Texas was gonna get his gazebos shot off, it would be his wife who shot them off. With a 12 Gauge. With Double Aught Buck. She's a mean bitch.

The Chuck in GA

So Charles Lake of Savannah, Georgia wasn't seriously wounded when his pistol accidentally discharged and for that I am glad. I'm fairly certain that Charles' gazebos are relieved as well. Do you know what kind of damage a 9mm bullet will do to man's Manhood? Neither do I and I do not want to find out! I do, however, have a pretty graphic idea of what the results of such a tragedy would be and it ain't purty, folks.

Charles did suffer one major injury to his ego though. Upon finding out that Charles was gonna be OK, I imagine the other attendees at the Gun Show and Terrorist Target Practice Extravaganza blistered Chucky Boy with a hearty exhibit of laughter, name-calling and derision. Deservedly so.

Dumbass.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Coffee and Lap Dances - Jugs & Java

Coffee? What Coffee?
The Crud ® that my wife was so gracious to pass on to me is kicking my ass. It hurts me just to use the keyboard, but I can't leave you dumbasses to look this kind of stuff up on your own. Especially dumbassery like you are about to re-read. Married men who search for this kind of "entertainment" on the internet could end up as non-married men looking up this kind of "entertainment" on the internet. I can't be held responsible for that. But I can recommend a good divorce attorney. I'm just sayin'
From September 9, 2011:

This country has gone to hell in a hand basket. The economy sucks, unemployment is over 9% and now the cops of Edmonds, Washington are busting baristas for flashing their boobs at customers. This is an outrage! It is every American woman's God-given right to show her hammers to anyone at any time she wants to. It's gotta be in the Constitution somewhere. Maybe the commerce clause? I have been a fan of knockers for a long time, so this hits me especially hard. I drink coffee on occasion, but I look at tatas every day of my life and have done so for over 50 years. I am not giving up leering at boobs for anybody or any reason!

Here's the deal: The women in question work for a Starbuck's-like place called Java Jugs in Edmonds. Irony anyone? Anyway, these broads have been serving more than double latte chocolate mocha espresso supreme with extra sugar and cream. Some customers buy "coffee" for as much as $20. In return they get a lap dance and a good look at some titties. For some odd reason the Police in Edmonds fail to see the benefits of such a "sale". Did I mention that Java Jugs has a stripper pole inside the shop? Yup. A stripper pole. What good is a stripper pole going unused, just standing there waiting, nay, pleading, for some skank to git nekkid and reveal her assets to paying customers? None, I say!

Think about it. You stop at Dunkin Donuts and pay $5 for a cup of coffee and drive away with nothing but a $5 cup of coffee. Guys who stop at java Jugs come away with much more than just a lousy cup of coffee, they drive away with, er, um, inspiration. And memories of a well-formed set of sweater puppies. And the cops get all in a huff about it. Where's there sense of live and let live? What do the Police have against boobies? I mean hell.

The Boob Squad of the Edmonds PD found out about this little enterprise and promptly sent over an undercover guy who witnessed what was going on for himself. He even got a lapdance or two or ten (one can never be too hasty when evaluating such a delicate case). After much evidence gathering, the cops wrote out a lot of citations to the sluts ladies working at Java Jugs and the owner of the erstwhile strip joint said that she would be nice and follow the laws as written. No more bare breasts at Java Jugs. sad, isn't it?

By the way, the police will be keeping an eye peeled for more flashing of the racks at JJ"s. The lawmen also vow to keep doing "undercover" work to keep Java Jugs in compliance. I'll bet. <snort>

Dumbasses.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Infected Fearless Leader and a Fat Guy Sues White Castle Burgers

I have contracted an incurable disease normally found only in the deepest darkest jungles of the Amazon Basin. OK, I made that up. I have, however, come up with a dandy case of The Crud. My wife has been sick for a few weeks and she was nice enough to pass The Crud on to me. I'd like to thank her for that, but I can't. I'd like to call her names too for making me sick, but she'd just beat me up, so I think I'll just suffer through whatever The Crud brings me. I hope to be back tomorrow. In the meantime, here's a story I wrote back in September I think you'll like 


Toby
Fearless, But Infirm Leader of the Dumbass Horde
 There's a fat guy in Nanuet, New York that does fat people everywhere a disservice by being a complete and utter dumbass. Said fat guy weighs 290 pounds and he's all pissed of at a local White Castle burger joint. You see where this is going? Anyway, Fat Guy is suing the White Castle because, wait. for. it., the seats in the place are too small and fail to meet standards set forth in the Americans With Disabilities Act. Fat Guy first complained about the too small seats a couple of years ago and the company responded by promising to install bigger seats and sending him some coupons for, get this, three free White Castle burgers! Lemme get this straight. A fat guy is suing you because the booths in your restaurant are too small and you send him coupons for free burgers? Earth to White Castle...

Where to begin? Let's start with the ADA. It's a steaming pile of gubmint intervention into business. But that's a discussion for another time. Fat Guy is suing White Castle because of the small seats in their establishment. I wonder if Fat Guy ever thought that maybe he's a tub of lard because he eats too often at White Castle??!! And McDonalds. And Fat Burgers. Eat some fucking yogurt dumbass! Fast food, when consumed by the 55 gallon drum, will make you look like a hot air balloon. And you have the balls to sue White Castle because the seats are too small? Maybe they should sue you for crushing their seats like a rotten tomato by slapping your fat ass down on them. Oh wait! I almost forgot, Fat Guy says that he wants bigger seats so he  can "sit down like a normal person". Then quit eating White Castle burgers like they are siphoned through a beer bong. Good Gawd, man! You don't need bigger seats, you need to lose two of your asses, dipshit. Try Subway for cryin' out loud. Until then, shut the fuck up. And have another cheeseburger.

Dumbass.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Four Super (Bowl) Dumbasses & an SB Hero

A Hero in the Midst of Punks
It's Super Bowl Sunday! After all the dumbass questions from dumbass reporters and various and sundry other dumbass "news" stories over the last two weeks, it gets down to the gazebo cuttin' about 6PM EST tonight on NBC. Giants vs Patriots. An East Coast Media orgasm. After all, we know that there is no world outside the Northeastern corner of the United States. At least that's the train of thought amongst millions of the Yankees I live in the middle of. I'm in Maine so it's Pats, Pats, Pats up here. Obnoxious fans. Almost like Dallas. I can say that becuase I grew up in the DFW Metroplex and have first hand knowledge of it.

So much of the coverage of the Super Bowl in the days leading up to the game itself, doesn't even involve the game. It centers on a few of the players. Players who have worked their asses off all their lives to be where they are today, on the precipice of being a Super Bowl Champion. However, many of these players gain their moment in the spotlight by doing something, shall we say, fucking stoopid. There have been some great stories of player indiscretions right before the Big Game that leave fans wondering "WTF?" In a special Super Sunday Dumbass News, we'll take a look back at some of these players and the events that made them household names for all the wrong reasons.

Barret Robbins - Oakland Raiders

This is one of the most bizarre deals in Super Bowl History. The day before SB XXXVII, Robbins disappeared from the team hotel in San Diego. He took a little trip a few miles south of SD to Tijuana. i have a hard time imagining anything good that could come from Tijuana. Unless it's some good weed.

Robbins went on a drinking binge in TJ and subsequently sent back to Oakland, thus missing the game of his young lifetime. Robbins has since been in and out of jail and rehab trying desparately to fix a blessed life gone terribly wrong.

I ain't comin' down real hard on Barret Robbins like I would any other dumbass for a personal reason. I know his Dad. Rob the Dad is a great guy and I saw him during all the turmoil surrounding this turn of events and he was devastated. this wasn't just some random dumbass ruining his life, this was Rob's son. All this happenedwhat, 9 years ago?, and I can still see that deer in the headlights blank stare on Rob's face. Very sad.

Ray Lewis - Baltimore Ravens

In what has to be the most serious of all the pre-Super Bowl player screw ups, future Hall of Fame linebacker Ray Lewis found himself indicted on murder charges resulting from a stabbing at a party before SB XXXIV. He was eventually acquitted of those allegations but convicted of obstruction of justice. Still, this is a dark stain on a brilliant NFL career of one of the baddest men to ever play in the National Football League.

Willie Andrews - New England Patriots 

Two days after Super Bowl XVII, the Pats' backup safety was caught with $6800 cash and a half-pound of marijuana while driving an unregistered automobile! A few years earlier, Andrews spent 30 days in prison after pleading guilty to a gun charge.

Stanley Wilson - Cincinnati Bengals

Ol' Stan wasn't arrested for any crime but not because of a lack of effort. Wilson was found coked up by the Bengals' running backs coach after missing the final team meeting before the game.

This was Stanley's third strike under the NFL's Sunstance Abuse policy and he was banned from the league for life.

Go figure.


Tiquan Underwood - New England Patriots

Underwood is the exception rather than the rule. He did absolutely nothing wrong! His coach, Bill Belichik, however, is a blatant asshole and dickweed.

Belichik isn't known as a man of compassion and understanding, but the stunt he pulled here is one of the most cruel things a coach could do to one of his own players. He cut Underwood from the team yesterday (the day before the SB) in hopes of adding another player to the roster before the game!

One would think that Underwood would go on a booze and drug rampage after receiving such devastating news, but one would be wrong.

Unlike the lowlifes mentioned up there ^^^^^, Underwood took the news like a man. He respnded on Twitter, " “This Is Nothing But MOTIVATION.... I Been Thru A LOT...But There Are Ppl In This World w/ More Serious Problems So I Cant Hang The Head....Thank You Lord … Good Luck To The New Enland Organization, The Coaches, & All My Teammates... #PatsNation”

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a new favorite player in the NFL. 

God bless you, Tiquan Underwood. You have a special place reserved for you in Heaven.

As for the rest of the vermin listed above (except for Barret Robbins). You guys can suck sweaty swamp donkey gazebos.

Dumbasses.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

A Petting Zoo, Bongs & Hookers - The Dumbass Trifecta

Dean of Hookers & Blow
Today's Best of Dumbass News comes to us from May 4 of last year. This is one of my favorite stories of the almost 500 that have been put to pixels on this very forum. It has college kids, petting zoos, pot and hookers. What's not to like?

Have you ever wondered how a place as beautiful as California could be inhabited by so many dumbasses? There are certain parts of the state, I'm looking at you, Bay Area, that are as infested with dumbasses as Congress is with crooks. That's saying something. I could link you to some stories from California that would curl your toenails. Then again, curled toenails are probably a fashion statement in California. But, I digress.

The state is in the economic crapper with no relief in sight and the dumbasses just elected Jerry Brown, Governor Moonbeam, to be their Governor again! Get your popcorn ready, this is gonna be good. Institutions of Higher Learning in California are turning out a bunch Socialist indoctrinated pussies to be the leaders of the future. Those poor people are doomed! The light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a freight train traveling at 100mph straight at them. It ain't gonna be pretty when it hits.

Back to the colleges turning out a bunch of pansies. You're gonna love this. This time of year at universities all across the country means term papers and final exams. This is a very stressful time for millions of college students. Leave it to a college in California to come up with a method of ridding these overwrought young people of all that stress. The solution? Petting zoos! I. Shit. You. Not.

Here's a piece of that story verbatim: "At the Claremont University Consortium in Southern California, as classes ended for the semester and a finals study period began, two fenced pens were set up on a campus lawn with bunnies in one and puppies in the other.

About 300 students took turns climbing into the pens and playing with the animals at the student-organized event.


Freshman Adam Griffith said he'd had only 7 hours of sleep over three days, finishing four papers for classes, and was glad of the chance to romp with the dogs.


"Stuff like this is a really, really good idea, especially since it doesn't take too much time," Griffith, 18, said. "I appreciate seeing that from the faculty and staff, acknowledging that we are under stress." 


When I read that dumbass pablum, I wanted to cut out my eyeballs with a paring knife. Bunnies and puppies? Are you fucking kidding me? This is a great idea for students....students in the First grade! No wonder the Golden State is all FUBAR'ed. If you want to "de-stress" a college kid, give him sex or booze! That's what college kids wants, you dumbasses! I am serious. Have a campus wide kegger with FREE BEER and order up a mess of non-union hookers and let nature take its course. This would also be a good way to get rid of all those free condoms you dipshits have stored in the Campus Clinic. Having said that, I am sure that some of the students would get bombed and start to "like" the bunnies and puppies, but that's another story for another day. Make this event BYOB - Bring Your Own Bong - and you've got a stress reliever of Soddam and Gammora proportions. Throw in a few Cheetos stands, sell pizza by the slice and you have generated more income in a few days as many third world countries, like New Jersey, do in a year. Do I have to tell you dumbasses everything? By the way, this would make a great time for Parents' Day on Campus also. Just sayin'.

I offer this advice free of charge this time, but if I have to remind you of it again, my consulting fee starts in six figures. But, just this once, I am waiving it, so your stressed out students can get drunk, stoned and laid. That's just how I roll. Dumbasses.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Dramatic Police Raid ! At the Wrong House!

This would have been useful.
99.9% of the time exposing the dumbassery around us is a labor of love for me and I find it quite enjoyable and somewhat therapeutic. But! The other 0.1% of the time, shedding light on such stoopidshittedness is a painful thing for me. Alas, today is one of those extremely difficult occasions that fall into that 0.1%. No matter how excruciating it may be, I am duty bound by my obligation as Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde to bring you all dumbassery, no matter its source.

Disclaimer

I hate the word "disclaimer". So many times it means nothing more than wussing out. For example, when you are watching TV and you see a commercial for, let's say, a weight loss product. The announcer excitedly tells heavy folks that "The Skinny Pill" is nothing short of miraculous as the video of the ad shows "Sandy T." from Salt Lake City holding the size 83 pants she wore before taking "The Skinny Pill'. Sandy T. from SLC then drops the size 83s to reveal a babe who is now a size 0 (zero)! "The Skinny Pill" really is a miracle of modern science! Or maybe not. While Sandy T. may have lost a ton or two, if you look at the fine print at the bottom of your screen as the commercial runs, you'll see phrases like "not typical results" and "use The Skinny Pill as part of an exercise and diet program in consultation with your doctor". "The Skinny Pill" may indeed help fat people lose weight, but there's a lot more to slimming down than you actually hear in the ad's audio.

That fine print that reveals "The Skinny Pill" as a small component of weight loss is called a "disclaimer". Or as I like to call it, "The Wussing Out Clause". Do you now understand why I despise the word "disclaimer"? It's a wussy word.

I Hate This Part

Having said all that, I must now swallow a bitter pill and issue a disclaimer of my own. (Damn, this leaves a bad taste in my mouth)

What I am about to write is in no way, shape or form meant to be derogatory to law enforcement personnel anywhere in this country. I am merely sharing with you a story that shows that cops are human beans too and are prone to do stoopid shit just like the rest of us. In cases like this, it is imperative that I report as fully and accurately as possible on the facts of the dumbassery you are about to witness. Dumbassery committed by cops.

So, let's see what these dumbass lawmen did! Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!

The Sting That Wasn't

I can only imagine the amount of detailed planning that goes into a police raid intended to catch some real bad people. Although, by the time I am done with this story, I may learn firsthand how much detailed planning goes into one of these raids.

Down in Massivetwoshits (that would be where Boston is), a group of highly trained men with the most advanced technology in the world at their disposal, were seconds away from executing a meticulously conceived law enforcement operation designed to capture a very bad man. There they stood, just outside the location where they would burst in screaming like a pack of hyenas with bottle rockets shoved in their asses (the hyenas, not the cops....geez), carrying weapons that cause mere mortals to poop their pants when confronted with them, then grabbing the bad guy and Justice would be served.

This team of men, among the best in the world at what they do, carried out their mission without a hitch. Except for one thing. They raided the wrong place! Holy cow! For about 45 minutes, the cops detained a woman, while her 3 year old daughter cried in another room, before realizing that WOOPS!, missed it by that much! The guy they were looking for was in an apartment a few doors down. So, like true professionals, the fuzz apologized to the lady, went on about their business and later busted the real criminal.

What to Do?

A situation like this is kind of like toothpaste that's been squeezed out of the tube. It's out and it ain't going back in. What else could the law guys do? The mess had been made and they didn't have any toothpaste left. All they could do was go get a "new tube of toothpaste", meaning rectify the dumbassery at hand and do what they had set out to do: get the bad guy. Or they could've ordered pizza and beer and stayed put. Naaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

This story just goes to prove that even the most qualified, best equipped, best prepared and bravest among us can sometimes be no higher up the Ladder of Evolution than the lowest of the low, the most pitiful of the pitiful or even the Fwench. Yes, friends, this group of special men can, just like the rest of us, be....

....Dumbasses.

Is that a knock at my door? Nevermind. The guy at the door had the wrong apartment.  :)

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Curiosity Gets the Best of the Dumbass

Madison - A Very Pretty City
The People's Republic of Madison is a very nice city. That is if you could chase off the Liberal weenies and Liberal weenie college kids at the University of Wisconsin who live there. Liberal weenie-ism, and by definition dumbassery, is a way of life in Madtown and today's story will show you just what kind of dumbass occupies this lovely burg.

Book Club Meeting 

A 31 year old woman, whose name is not mentioned in my source story, was attending a book club meeting recently when she got a little bit more than a review and nice discussion on the book in question, Communism for Dummies. Other than the book, there was something else at the meeting that caught the lady's eye. A 4-foot long ball python.

The snake was in an aquarium at the meeting place, the lady noticed it and thought "Oh, boy!. There's a 4-foot long ball python in that aquarium! Why don't I take it out of there!" So she did. She shouldn't have. Supposedly this dumbass bimbo had experience in handling snakes, but based on what happened next, I ain't so sure. I think maybe her experience with serpents was limited to a man's nether regions and rubber snakes used as props in her stripper routine. OK, I'm busted. I made up that last part about men's you-know-whats and stripping, although it sounds plausible to me.

The python took exception to being removed from its cozy little domicile and promptly bit the dumbass lady in the face! To my knowledge, once a python has a grip on something, it's not in any hurry to let go of it and this snake was no different than any other python. He latched on and had to be "persuaded" to let go. And by "persuaded" I mean shot with a Clint Eastwood size pistol. You caught me again. I made up the bit about the Clint Eastwood pistol. I did not, however, make up the part about the snake remaining attached to the broad's face. He was quite content. Did I tell you that pythons, even though not venomous, have teeth? They do. Lots of them. That's how they hold on to their prey until they can squeeze it until it's a lifeless lump. The dumbass lady wasn't hurt too bad and the snake's owner was able to remove it from the nosy dame's face.

Lesson Learned

One thing that came to mind upon reading this story was, why did the dumbass have to mess with the snake in the first place? But then again I don't like snakes, so it's a foreign concept to me. Also, if she had experience in handling snakes, how could she let it get within striking distance of her face? It may be just me, but if I'm holding a 4-foot snake of any kind, I am protecting two things (three, depending on how you count 'em): my face and my gazebos. After 55 years, I have grown quite fond of the two (three?) of them.

As I said, the lady wasn't seriously injured, but I am concerned about the health of the python. That broad could have been infected with some kind of livestock disease. Have you ever seen the corn-fed Liberal weenie women, especially the ones who go to book club meetings, in Madison? I have. In the mid-80s. And I haven't been back to town since. I'm just sayin'.

Dumbasses.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Dumbass Hoarders and a Dead Grandma

Has Anybody Seen Grandma?
Have you ever seen that TV show "Hoarders"? Each episode features some dumbass who has a serious problem disposing of stuff he/she has in his/her home and just keep stockpiling junk until the inside of his house looks like an indoor land fill. The squalor these people live in is frakkin' disgusting. Some crazy people doctors say that hoarders suffer from some sort of mental disorder. I say these doctors are correct. Hoarders are fucking nuts.

I think the word "hoarder" comes from the Greek inhalusadhesivusalotis which translates to "I sniffed too much model airplane glue and now I am almost as smart as an amoeba". Keep in mind that this is a rough translation.

Hoarding Mom

When you saw the title for this portion of today's story, you probably interpreted it as "a Mom who hoards". You would be wrong. It means "hoarding Mom" as in "that dumbass broad is hoarding her Mom, who died in 1994." This is a significant milestone in the art of hoarding, with many layers of inter-generational dumbassery involved. Let me splain.

You see, the dead lady was a hoarder. When she went to that big House Whose Inside Looks Like a Landfill in the sky in 1994, she was hoarded by her daughter, Bobbie, who was also a hoarder. The daughter later died but before she said the Big Adios, she told her daughter, Rebecca, about Grandma. Bobbie told Rebecca that the family couldn't afford to ship Grandma to her home state of Alabama for burial, so she (Bobbie) put Grandma in a storage facility! Yes! Like a U-haul storage facility where it appears she has been kept since her death in 1994! The cherry on top of this Dumbass Sundae is that the daughter/grand daughter, Rebecca, has known since last year that Granny was entombed, as it  were, in the storage unit! My guess is that chunckin' a dead family matriarch into a storage bin is the Redneck equivalent of an Egyptian pyramid. I'm just sayin'.

Sworn to Secrecy

Rebecca said nothing about Grandma being in storage because she was sworn to secrecy by her Mother. That and being eat up with the Dumbass. You gotta give this dumbass bimbo credit where credit is due though. As she had promised her Mom, she kept her mouth shut about their little secret. Her lips were sealed so tight you couldn't drive a straight pin between 'em with a jackhammer.

You wanna know how it was found out where Grandma was? The rent on the storage thing was left unpaid for long enough that its contents were set to be auctioned off! Just think about it, if Bobbie and Rebecca had only thought this thing through, their story could have been told on Hoarders. And Granny could have been a star on another reality TV show, Storage Wars.


Yuuuuuupp!


Dumbasses.
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