Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: March 2012 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Duct Tape: The Newest Sex Life Enhancer! Best of Dumbass News

What Duct Tape?
I posted this story a few weeks ago and it still gets plenty of attention. That tells me that y'all are a bunch of kinky bastards. But I already knew that, so it comes as no surprise to me. After all, you are Dumbasses and I've come to expect nothing less of you. For all you numb skulls that found your way here from Pinterest, y'all are a passle of sick, twisted freaks. You'll fit right in. While your here be sure to check out the blog archives. They are listed month by month in the left sidebar. There's some great dumbassery in there. If you have any good ideas on new ways to use Duct Tape, head on over to the comment section just below this post. Oh, yeah! To all the "Pinners" who've joined us today, thanks for taking the time to re-pin my blog posts and s
tuff. 

And now members of the Dumbass Horde around the world.....I present to you Nekkid Driving and Duct Tape!!!

 When it comes to dumbassery, few places on the entire planet are weirder than Portland, Oregon. My guess is that other than San Francisco, Portland prolly has the highest Dumbass to "normal" people ratio in the country. I think the reason for this is the fact that so many homos and various other life forms of dumbassery migrate from Cal-ee-forn-ya to the Pacific Northwest trying to - wait for it - escape the dumbssery in Cal-ee-forn-ya! <face/palm> Go frakkin' figger.

True Dumbass Love

Nothing says true dumbass love like duct taping your girlfriend like a Taliban hostage and putting her in the back seat of your Subaru for a little joy ride around town. While you, too, are nekkid as a jay bird as you escort your hostage sweetie all through Portland. Not that a duct taped nekkid woman in the back seat of a Subaru would garner much attention in Portland, Oregon, but one sane soul noticed the nekkid, taped up bimbo and called the cops. One can only imagine what the heat thought when they encountered a nekkid guy driving a Subaru with a duct taped nekkid lady in the back seat! I'm fairly confident that the local constabulary had some very powerful handguns pointed directly at Mr. Driving Nekkid Guy at the sight of such a situation.

After taking a large shit on the genuine imitation llama hair seat cover, and losing his boner, Mr. Driving Nekkid Guy and Ms. Custom Duct Tape Job by Jim Bob Jumpback explained that they were just out for a nekkid ride just for a little for fun. And sexual thrills. Yup, instead of a nice candlelight dinner with some cheap wine, these two dumbasses get nekkid, duct taped and stoopid. And cited for disorderly conduct for driving around Portland, Oregon for all to see. This just oooooozzzzzeeesssss romance.

Reactions

When people learned of this little Love Boat on Land episode, most of the reactions were of the "So what, they were just having fun?" variety. One local dumbass posted on the Portland Police Department Facebook page, and I quote, "Nothing wrong with that, they were just trying to have some fun, you monsters." I ain't kiddin'.

The best comment came from a guy who summed it up very nicely: "Keep Portland weird, man." Perfect.

I implore you to heed this advice as you travel through this journey we call life: nekkid, duct taped and driving through a major city is no way to go through life, son.

Dumbasses.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Low Pay, Lousy Benefits at McDonalds Turns Woman into McSlut

You Want Me to Do What?
Just what do some Dumbasses have against McDonalds? I can't figger it out myself. Mcd's offers some of the best tasteless food in the world. Every once in a while I love to scarf down a Big Mac or Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese. Or both. My kids loves the nastiness that is a Happy Meal. They also love the lead paint covered cheap ass toys that come with the Happy meal. I don't mean to get all mushy here, but I have been eating at McDonalds since their hamburgers cost something like 19 cents. I remember when the signs at Mickey D's read "Over 2 Sold"! I ask these questions for a very good reasons, which I will go into in a just a minute.

Dumbass News has featured dumbass-inspired stories about McDonalds on more than one occasion. For example, here and here. It pains me to say it, but neither of these Dumbass stories has as serious implications as the one you are about to read.

McWhore

There's a lady, and I use that term loosely, in Las Vegas who has filed a lawsuit against the fast food giant because, as she states in the suit, it is because of the minimum wage salary she was paid at McD's that she became a prostitute! yes, fellow Dumbasses, I am sad to report that low pay and lack of a good benefits package at the Home of the Quarter Pounder, that has driven women like Shelley Lynn to become skanky sluts. Shame on you Ronald McDonald!

You see, Shelley once worked at a McDonalds owned at the time by her then-husband. As it turns out, there other would-be skanky sluts working there too. And it's all because of the lousy pay and benefit packages at the Golden Arches. Being the visionary entrepreneur that he was, Shelley's husband found a way to increase business at his restaurant. A good marketing campaign maybe? Kind of. He started pimping out his female employees! These women were listed on the store menu as the "Furry McTacos". But I digress.

You wanna know why these whores felt it necessary to sell their McWares? If you guessed the lousy pay ans bennies from their employer, you would be right! These women were not making enough money to support themselves or their families, so they got a second job selling their "McHappy Meals", if you know what I mean and I think you do. They are inspirations to young sluts everywhere. Did I mention that all this bullshit in Shelley's lawsuit took place more than twenty years ago? Since then Shelley has been employed by brothels in the Las Vegas area screwing horny dumbasses for what I imagine would be very good money.

What?

Over twenty years ago! That must be some kind of mental duress! It's also a Top Tier Dumbass Thing to Do. Shelley, we know that were peddling your McMuffin while you worked at McDonalds, now you sell it for thousands of times more money. Only the price has changed. You were twenty years ago and still are today, shit stain on the underwear of society. As for your now ex-husband, the best part of him ran down his mother's leg.

Look. I know that what Shelley is doing now is perfectly legal in Nevada and I have no qualms about that. It's the "I am still a victim" mindset that pisses me off. let me tell you, Shelley, if you were ashamed to sell your "woman hood" back then, then why continue to be a Godless Hooker all this time later? Do you have a bad coke habit? Owe the Mob money? Like to fuck a lot? Yeah, you are a "victim" OK. Stoopid cum funnel.

Once this suit goes in front of a judge, Comedy Gold should be at a Three Stooges Level of brilliance. If any of you in the Vegas area have any more on this story now or later, please email it to me at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. If you do, I'll make you the next Dumbass Emeritus, second line only to WTFWiFi founder  Alexandra Janelli, an Honor you'll cherish for life.


Adios to Shelley

Shelley, keep on selling what you sell, because one day it will as rancid as the maggots on a five year old Big Mac. I was gonna get real graphic here but I decided that even a low life no morals, weenie sucking, skanky swamp donkey whore like Shelley deserves some form of respect. :)

But not a day in Court with this kind of shit.

Dumbass.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

NYC Dept of Education Bans Words at Schools; Ban the NYC-DOE Instead!

STFU!
New York City. The Big Apple. The Greatest City in the World. Give us your poor, your tired, your dumbasses.

NYC was once the greatest city on Earth. Now a days it's turning into San Francisco East, without all the homo stuff being their main "attraction". By that I mean that New York City is turning into a nanny state faster than you can say I love New York. For example...salt on fast foods. Banned. Trans fats. Banned. Rush Limbaugh and his millions? Now in sunny South Florida. Glenn Beck and his broadcasting empire? Gawn to Big D. Is it the water? No. But it could be the schools.

What the Problem Here?

The NYC school department has notified firms that produce testing materials for New York schools to not use certain words and phrases in tests. Are we talking about words like "fuck"? No. "Bitch" or "ho"? Uh uh. Then what exactly are the offending words or phrases banned from these exams? Put some kind of padding on your desk to cushion the blow to your chin when it smacks against your desk top. Like we say in Texas, "You ain't gonna believe this shit."

Village of the Banned

Like lepers cast away into the furthest reaches of the land, the following lingo has been exiled into the Funk and Wagnalls Wasteland of Words.

Here's a partial list from theblaze.com:
  • Dinosaur – apparently people who don’t believe in evolution might be offended
  • Halloween – rumored to support Paganism and that bothers some
  • Birthday – Jehovah‘s Witnesses don’t celebrate birthdays, so nobody else should know about it… right?
  • Dancing - unless it is ballet dancing
  • Computers – if mentioned as being in homes… use in schools and libraries is ok
More from The Blaze: "Topics like divorce and disease are to be avoided, because a student taking a test could be the child of a split marriage or might have a sick relative. Mentions of wealthy people could create jealousy. Poverty is also off limits, as poor or non-wealthy kids could be offended."

Here's a video from abc7 in New York that goes into a bit more detail.


Oh, Boy! It's My Turn!

I am gonna go down the list above and put in my Dumbass Opinion. This is gonna be fun!

Dinosaur - So it tweaks those who don't believe in evolution? Who. Gives. A. Shit? Not me. You don't have to believe in evolution to understand that the Earth is not only 5 or 6000 years old. Hell, Phyllis Diller is that old! Then again, the idiots that this word offends are probably Jehovah's Witnesses anyway. And who cares what those turds believe in? Oh, wait! These are the same dip sticks that don't believe in birthdays either! If they don't count birthdays, then how in God's name could they understand the concept of "millions" of years? Oh, yeah, they can't. Screw 'em. They don't count.
My Verdict: Dinosaur and birthday stay in the tests and the Jehovah's Witnesses get banned to New Jersey.

Halloween - Paganism? Yes, Halloween was once a Pagan holiday of some sort. That's a fact. I ain't gonna go into the history of Halloween, but you are welcomed to do so at Wikipedia. Besides, the broads not wearing masks on Halloween are prolly too ugly to nail anyway.
My Verdict: The Catholic Church says Halloween is OK. If the Pope says it's cool, it's cool. I gotta go with him on this one. So put masks on the ugly bitches get loaded and give 'em a good treat for Halloween. IYKWIMAITYD. Same for guys, too. I ain't a sexist.

Dancing - Ballet? Are you kiddin' me? That stuff is Homo City. Very cool stuff, but girly. Let the kids do some headbangin'. They're kids for cryin' out loud. BTW, the reason mayor Bloomberg doesn't make whoppie standing up is because someone might think he's dancing. I'm just sayin'.
My Verdict: Bloomberg and the people who run this testing program for NYC schools need to get laid. Just not standing up.

Computers - Whoever came up with this one should have his hard drive cut off with a rusty DVD.
My Verdict: I'll offer a reward of 23 cents for video proof of a "de-hard driving".

NYC - The Big Dumbass

I am not labeling the people of New York City as dumbasses, just the fucking asswipes who came up with all this politically correct bull shit. These nincompoops have no business potty training a kid, much less teaching them the 3 Rs. Fire 'em all. Every. Damn. One. Of. Them. Bring in some Honest-to-God "teachers" and administartors that have the best interests of the children they are teaching first. And fuck the NEA or whatever piece of doo doo union these "teachers" are a part of. But that's another story for another day.

One more thing...there are over FOUR DOZEN words on the Not On NYC-DOE Tests List.

And here's a single word that says it all to the New York City Department of Education. It's Number 1 on my list.

Dumbasses.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Dumbass Tries to Raise Alligator in Pennsylvania!

A Dumbass & His Dog (Rover)
As you know by now, I am from Texas. I love the whole state for many reasons and one of them is its geographic diversity. Out west you have 8000 ft mountains, desert and the unrivaled beauty of Big Bend National Park. In Central Texas, the Hill Country rules. Texas has 624 miles of coastline along the Gulf of Mexico. Dallas sits on the plains of North Central Texas and you have the vast rolling plains of the Panhandle. My favorite part of the Lone Star State, though, is the Piney Woods of East Texas. I love the forests, the rivers and creeks and above all the huge man made lakes, like Sam Rayburn and Toledo Bend.

Although it may seem like it, this is not a lesson in Texas Geography, it is, believe it or not, to make a point: there are alligators in Texas. All along the Eastern Border with Looziana you'll find thousands of gators in bodies of water large and small. Gators thrive in this area because of the availablitiy of so much water and the very moderate climate. Alligators are not built to last the long cold winters of states like, say, Pennsylvania. Did I say Pennsylvania? Yes! I did!

Gators in PA

Anybody who raises a gator in Pennsylvania is a dumbass. While they are cute and cuddly as teensy weensy baby gators, they grow up to be meat eating machines. And you my friend are lunch to a hungry alligator.

Some dumbass did indeed try to raise an alligator Greensburg, PA. Well, as you can imagine, the gator eventually grew into a full man eating size behemoth. So, wisely (or not), the owner of said gator set it free into the wild at a nearby lake. This is a death sentence for the poor gator. The winters in Pennsylvania are not as mild as those in East Texas and West Looziana.Go figger.

This year the winter was fairly mild at Beaver Run Lake and speculation runs rampant as to whether the gator survived or not. Here's a gator locating tip for the dumbasses of Westmoreland County, PA. Go to where the gator was last seen and hang a dead rotted chicken (or a live yelping poodle) from a tree limb over the water. If the gator is close by, he'll find it and make a quick snack of it. For the dipstick that turned the gator loose, follow the instructions above, but instead of a dead chicken (or yelping poodle), cut your self with a hunting knife, bleed like hell then go into the water. If the gator is nearby, he'll find you and make a quick snack of you as well. But only part of you. He'll eat what he needs, then he'll take the rest of you and stuff you under a submerged log, let you tenderize for a while then when it's supper time again, you'll be the guest of honor. Dumbass.

Questions

Being a man of inquisitive nature, I have some questions for you, the dumbass reader. Question 1) Why the hell would somebody want a pet alligator? Question 2) Why would some dumb fuck take a warm blooded reptile to Pennsylvania and attempt to raise it? Question 3) Did the dumbass who owned the gator not realize that the damn thing could grow to be up to 14 feet long? Question 4) Are you fucking crazy!!??

I have traveled through Pennsylvania from Pittsburgh to Philadelphia and not once did I see suitable gator habitat. I did, however, see a ton of Dutch businesses selling whatever it is the Dutch community in PA sells, but not a single solitary sign ever said, "Get a Live Dutch Alligator Here!". Wooden shoes? Yeah. Gators? Not so much. And if the Dutch don't sell it, it ain't happenin' in Pennsylvania. Trust me on this one.

Last Bite

To the people of Westmoreland County, PA: if the gator is found alive and healthy as I see it you have two options. Ship it back to Looziana or Texas or kill it, skin it and eat it. gator meat meat is very good. Tastes like chicken. After doing one of the two, send the skin to the Dutch. They can then make some alligator skin wooden shoes. They'd have to change their signs, though.

And one final word to the genius who had an alligator in Pennsylvania in the first place:

Dumbass.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Lady Lies to Get Out of Jury Duty; Tells Story on the Radio! Ooooooops!

Jury of Your Peers - Do They Look Happy to Be There?
If I have learned one thing in life it is that if you want to keep a secret or keep something private, it is best to not go on a 50,000 watt, clear channel radio station heard in almost 40 states and share your little story. I am fairly certain that such an act would let the cat out of the bag, so to speak. I could be wrong here, but I don' think so.

KOA

KOA, 850 AM in Denver, Colorado is one of the most famous radio stations in the country. They are legendary in broadcast circles. KOA has been broadcasting for over 80 years and is very popular throughout the state. I have spent many hours listening to KOA in any number of states in the USA. It goes everywhere!

Knowing what we know, it would be safe to assume that you were to do an interview on KOA, that there would be someone you know is listening at that very minute. As a matter of fact, you can take it to the bank. Just ask Susan Cole.

Jury Duty

Susan was talking on the air with long time KOA talk show host Dave Logan (a former Denver Broncos wide receiver) telling the tale of how she skipped out on jury duty. She told Logan that she faked mental illness in order to avoid serving on a jury. Two things here: 1) Shirking your civic obligation to serve on jury duty, as big a pain in the ass as it can be, is not a good idea. 2) Faking an illness or lying to the Jury Duty Guys in order to avoid service is a felony. I'm just sayin'. And as one who suffers from BiPolar Disorder and ADHD, making light of mental illness is not very nice. It doesn't offend me personally (none of my personalities....hahaha) but it sill ain't cool. I can also state categorically that I have papers to prove I am a basket case, can you prove you're sane? I didn't think so.

Remember that part up there ^^^ where I said if you were on KOA, somebody you know would be listening? Guess what? As Susan told of her web of deceit, somebody she knew was listening to her tell it! Susan's friend was not amused and reported her to the authorities. Karma, bitch, karma.

In the very near future, Susan won't be telling tall tales on the radio, but she will be listening to them in the Denver County Jail - as a convicted felon.

My Word 

I know how inconvenient serving jury duty can be, I've been there. But it really is a civic obligation not to be taken lightly or routinely dismissed simply because it comes at a bad time. Juries are the foundation of our legal system and without them things could get pretty chaotic pretty quick. Just serve when you're call upon to do so. You might actually learn something about how the criminal justice system works. There is another way to observe the workings of the justice system up close. That is to shirk jury duty. You'll just get to see the system from the other side while 12 of your peers decide that your are an unAmerican dumbass lying to get out of the very thing they are there for. And all 12 of them may not be in a good mood on your day in court. Think about it.

Just ask Susan Cole.

Dumbass.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Porn Stars Accept Invite to Prom! Satan Intervenes

Evil
The Senior Prom. Although mine was several light years ago, I can still see my date looking so beautiful in her blue dress and I looked like a damned fool wearing that fucking monkey suit. But the memories remain as vivid as they were almost forty years ago. Oh, what a night.

At some high schools around the country it's prom time as I type this. Young men are busily planning a special night for their dates - a nice supper, corsages, limos and condoms. That's an awful lot of cheese to cut just hoping to get laid. But such is the life of the young - and horny.

Getting a Date

The most difficult and nerve-wracking part of going to the prom is finding a chick that's desperate to go with a Dumbass. By the time the young Dumbass gets the balls to ask some girl to go, he's scraping the bottom of the barrel. All the lookers have been claimed by the football players. The only girls left for the Dumbasses are the girls who "have nice personalities". If the Dumbass is lucky, she'll have big hooters and have the fire down below, IYKWIMAITYD.

There are exceptions to this rule, of course. One kid in Oakdale, Minnesota came up with an absolutely outstanding solution to being a Dumbass stuck with a prom date with a "nice personality". He sent out Twitter messages to porn stars inviting them to be his prom date. And two of them accepted! Talk about a stroke (pun intended) of genius! And the power of Twitter! Damn, this kid, Mike Stone, is smooooooth. Not only are his dates ready for action, he won't even have to take them to supper. Just think how much money the lad is saving. And it's a cinch that he'll "get some." From a porn star no less!

Mike Stone is my hero.

Not So Fast

Dream Crusher***
Naturally, like every fairy tale story, there's a wicked witch in this one too. Her name is Patty "Dream Crusher" Phillips. Dream Crusher is the Head Honcho at the Oakdale School District. She has thrown a monkey wrench the size of The Twin Cities into the works and it doesn't look good for Mike.

Dream Crusher says that any guest at the prom that isn't a student of the school district will have to be approved by school district officials, so the porn stars (and Mike Stone) are left out in the cold.

I don't get it. Just because some chick makes an honest living by having sex with dozens of men and has the unmitigated gall to film it and sell it to willing adults, suddenly she's not worthy of attending a High School prom. What. The. Fuck. Do those same rules apply to cheerleaders? Or the school slut? I mean, c'mon, Crusher!

What I Think

If only students can attend the prom, then I have a solution to Mike's problem. My guess, and it's only speculation on my part, is that these porn stars don't have high school diplomas. I think they should get them ASAP. So, enroll them in the Oakdale School District! Instant student hood! The two professional sluts can now go to the prom with Mike! Let's see Dream Crusher Phillips get past that! 

This is why I am your Fearless Leader. I see a problem and attack it like a pit bull after a T-bone. I am relentless in pursuing a solution to the travails facing a fellow Dumbass. Especially an up and coming Young Dumbass like Mike Stone.

If this plan doesn't work, then I suggest that Mike piss in the punch and let the drinker beware.

It makes me proud and brings a tear to my eye to call a fine young man, Mike Stone, a...

...Dumbass. <sniffle>

***Thanks to Bones for finding the photo!***

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Best of "Dumbass News": Ordering Beer Through 911!

I wrote this post last May, I think, and it contains an absolutely Nobel Prize Worthy in Economics solution to the financial difficulties that face the Communist State of Connecticut. It's such a simple plan, that I'm surprised some Commie Connecticutter hasn't proposed it yet. You'll recognize the sheer brilliance of this idea right away. Provided you are not a Commie Connecticutter. Or a tea totaler. 

I live in New England. The six states that comprise New England are Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts. It's a great place to live if you throw out places like Connecticut. Why Connecticut and not, say, Maine? There is one major difference between the two states - Maine sells liquor on Sundays and in Connecticut, you can't even stop by a 7-11 and buy a six pack on Sunday! That's Communism pure and simple. "But, Toby!", you protest. "You don't even drink, so what's the big deal?" Well, here's your answer, smartypants. It's un-American! It's every American drunk's right to be able to spend part of the Sabbath drinking the adult beverage of his choice! It says so right in the Constitution of the United States! Or somewhere. No alcohol sales on Sunday lowers the Former Professional Drinker Rating of any state - like New Mexico, no alcohol sales on Sunday. At least when I lived in New Mexico, it was a short trip to Texas get get some beer. Or Colorado - they sell on 3.2 beer on Sundays in Colorado. Have you ever tasted 3.2 beer? I highly advise against it. Be prepared and buy your Sunday NFL Game beer on Saturday if you live in Colorado. Unless you live in extreme southeastern Colorado, it's too far too go to Texas to get a case of barley pop on Sunday. No package sales of booze on Sunday qualifies Connecticut as a Dumbass State. Why, such no alcohol sales on Sunday encourage criminal behavior! I can prove it.

"A 6 pack of Bud to 222 Maine Street? We're on the way, Mr. Jones!"
There's a nice Senior Citizen Drunk, in other words, an Old Lush, living in Bridgeport, Connecticut who has been driven - driven, I say! - to a life of petty crime so he can get hammered on the Lord's Day. This dumbass Senior Citizen Drunk did what any self-respecting alcoholic would do when he ran out of beer on a recent Sunday. What did the drunk dumbass do? He called 911! Not once, but three times! This old dumbass was doing some serious Jonesin' for a Pabst Blue Ribbon. To his credit, however, he did offer to pay the Police to do a quick beer run for him, even though beer is not sold on Sunday in Communist Connecticut. That was the fatal flaw in his plan. That and calling 911 to deliver the suds to his house. See? I told you that no alcohol sales on Sunday would create criminal behavior in drunks all across the state. And since the cops wouldn't deliver it if they could, they (the cops) are relegated to answering calls about stoopid stuff like shootings and robberies. What a crock of shit that is. To protect and serve indeed!

I have a solution to this most urgent of problems that satisfies thirsty drunks and liquor store owners alike. Connecticut is a very small state, so delivery of booze to the needy drunk should be considered by capitalist pigs in border cities in neighboring states, as distance isn't really an issue. Maybe some enterprising booze vendor in a surrounding state could set up a Drunks R Us delivery kind of deal. He'd make a ton of money, create new jobs and thus would increase tax revenue for his home state! As an added bonus, the booze delivery guys would spend more money on gasoline, thereby helping out another business person at the same time! That would then piss off the Climate Change Dickweeds who would belch and spew snot everywhere because of the added CO2 released into the environment. And what would Pissed Off Climate Change Dickweeds need in order to throw a first rate protest? Signs! Enter the local sign making guy who can also profit from this ingenious idea. Trickle down economics, baby! This deal is so simple even a first grader could have figgered it out. But, then again, I know very few first graders that like beer. Sure, there are some kinks to be worked out, but this idea is absolutely brilliant! Oh, yeah...and such nuisance 911 calls from drunk dumbasses would be all but eliminated. Except for the lushes from Bridgeport. But that's another story for another day.

Dumbass.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Dumbass Raaaaacist Flashback!

Raaaaacist in Chief
Hello, Dumbasses! It's the weekend once again and that means it's time for a Dumbass Flashback! Yes, a Dumbass Flashback, where I spends hours a couple of minutes playing eenie meenie miney moe searching my ass off, looking for stories from days gone by to fill space for your review or, in the case of new readers, first time viewing. I looked for these stories for hours on end damn near a minute and a half to find some stuff that will make you wanna puke excite you and delight you.

So, take 'em or leave 'em enjoy them till you heave to your heart's content!

The Ice Kream Klan is Coming! - I wrote this piece back in October of 2011. A couple of nights ago I got an email alert that someone had made a comment on it. So I went to check it out and what ensued was comedy gold! Reading the comments from some dumbass Yankee trying to tell me that I am a bigot (a Texas bigot no less!) is flat out hilarious. As you would expect i stomped a verbal mudhole in that pussy boy and had a lot of fun doing so. In fact, it was so much fun, that my wife joined in on it! This is a MUST READ!

Dumbasses and Their Texts - Not only do dumbasses do some really stoopid shit, they text some really stoopid shit, too. There are so many examples of dumbassery that I had to link to the source so you could read 'em all. Prepare to be be laughing your ass off.


If Your Baby Says "Yuck", He's a Raaaaacist!- I put this in here in "honor" of the pencil dick commenter  in "The Ice Kream Klan" story who thought he was being so brave by taking me on in a battle of the Dumbasses. The babies that say "yuck" are obviously of Southern Heritage, as no self-respecting Yankee baby would ever say "yuck".

Like I tell my kids, "That's what's on your plate, now eat it or don't eat at all!".

Have a great weekend y'all! And remember, you spell "raaaaacist" without 5 "a"s. Take it from a bigoted hick. And the Pencil Dick Commenter.

Dumbasses.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Groom's Stepmom Sends Bride-to-Be Nasty Email About Bride-to-Be!

The Supposed to be Happy Couple****
The scenario: your kid is a bout to get married to someone you don't care about. You're thinking, "This is the worst thing that my kid could possibly do. Marrying this lowlife son of a motherless goat is doomed to failure of the worst kind. She'll probably end up as a coke-addicted stripper/hooker. What am I to do?" What would you do?

There are several ways to deal with this kind of thing and one them is to be a total asshole. That's exactly how one lady handled it when she found out her stepson was going to marry a girl the the stepmpm was less than fond of. What did Stepmom do? She wrote the bride-to-be an email. A, shall we say, very rude email.

The Email

It just so happens that by employing my Super Google Fu, Dumbass News has obtain a copy of said email. OK. We actually found it on Yahoo News. You ain't gonna believe this shit.

Here's a copy of the email, unedited, from Yahoo News:

from: Carolyn Bourne
to: heidi withers
subject: your lack of manners

Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:

When you are a guest in another's house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat - unless you are positively allergic to something.

You do not remark that you do not have enough food.

You do not start before everyone else.

You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.

When a guest in another's house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early - you fall in line with house norms.

You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.

You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why. No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.

I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters' marriages.)

If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.

One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.


My Reply


First, let me state that Stepmom is from England. From this fact alone, we can establish that she's a snooty bitch. So that's a point against her right there.

Second, let state that she is the groom-to-be's Stepmother, which in my view disqualifies her from making any public judgement about anyone in the wedding party to begin with.

Third, where is Dear Old Dad in this fiasco? Oh, yeah, he's married to a Snooty British bitch, so he's a pussy anyway. Have fun at the wedding, Dad.

Fourth, I would like to attend the wedding just to see what actually happens. Will there be a throwdown of epic proportions worthy of WWE recognition? Will the bride stuff the bridal bouquet up the stepmpm's vaginal area instead of throwing it as tradition dictates? Will the groom tell the Dad to bend over and take it like a man like he's been doing since he married the Snooty British Bitch? The possibilities are endless!


To the Snooty British Bitch

Personally, I issue an open invitation for the Snooty British Bitch to find a very large swamp donkey "truffle"  and suck it. You have no damn business writing such a vile screed to the bride to be. You, Snooty British Bitch are the one with the lack of manners here. The groom-to-be is not even your kid! He has a mother with whom I'm sure he has spoken. If the young man is old enough to get married, then he's damn sure old enough to make mistake by marrying this young woman. If things are that bad with the bride-to-be, then it will all come out soon and divorce court will follow thereafter.

Just because you are a Snooty British Bitch I'd like to invite you to Maine where I can film you having a "crumpet" of great size stuff so far up your ass that it would take a Roto Rooter man to remove it. It would become a viral smash.

So, fuck you, Snooty British Bitch. England is that way -------------->

Dumbass.

****Photo from Yahoo News****

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Caviar in the Morgue!

Fish Eggs That Look Like Rabbit Turds
I like to travel. I have been lucky enough to have visited 30-something states in the USA and one very quick trip to Mexico. There are many beautiful places in the world that I'd love to see - China, Brazil and Russia to name a few. Speaking of Russia...

Russia

Amongst things like communism and mass murder, Russia is also known for being home to some of the most beautiful places on Planet Earth. One of the great cities in Russia is St. Petersburg. It has a long and storied history as well.

In St. Pete you'll also find many Russian dumbasses. Like one of the morgue employees and a business he drinks vodka with. During one of their many forays into the tater juice, these two dumbasskis, as Russian dumbasses are known, the two men hatched a plot to sell caviar on the black market. This is a big  nyet-nyet in the Motherland. Anyway, these guys round up 365 pounds of caviar, but they have to have a cool place to store it. It just so happens that they have one already. The morgue! It's a cool place and the people there won't eat because they are dead.

Busted

The Russian authorities catch wind of the plot and quickly swoop in and nail these two idiots. And as you may have heard, Russian police are not very polite when they make a collar.They do things like beat the shit out of suspects. That is if the suspect is lucky. Unlucky suspects suffer other injuries like broken bones and severe lacerations. or death. In this case what a lucky break it would be if the suspects were beaten to death because they are already at the morgue! Talk about saving taxpayer money!

Caviar comes sturgeon. Sturgeon fishing is illegal where the suspects were supposedly catching the sturgeon. Another big nyet-nyet. Near the morgue the police found 47 sturgeon carcasses and were at all amused. I don't know about you, but I get the feeling that our two dumbasses are in big trouble.

The Morgue as a Fridge

While a morgue makes a fine refrigerator, I don't think they are intended to be used to store poached (no pun intended) caviar. I believe they are exclusively for the storage of dead people. Or vodka. But not caviar. I could, however, be mistaken. This is Russia we are talking about. They do some weird shit over there.

Another thing I don't understand is why anyone would want to eat fish eggs. Why not alligator eggs or turtle eggs? I wouldn't eat them either, but geez, fish eggs? From a protected fish at that! I guess I don't understand because I am a dumbass.

But at least I didn't illegally take fish eggs, that resemble rabbit shit, from a protected species that looks like a catfish that has been exposed to nuclear radiation like these guys did. And store them in a room full of dead bodies. And cheap vodka.

Dumbasses.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Stop! Or I'll Shoot You With My Umbrella!

The world has changed a lot since I was a a kid. Back in the mid 60s I used to ride my bike all over town without fear of being kidnapped or molested. Today, I wouldn't let one of my little girls ride their bikes across the street, much less all over town. It's a sad day when kids can't even be kids anymore. It used to be the same with guns, rifles and shotguns particularly. Hell, you couldn't travel a few blocks without seeing a gun rack in some old boys pick up window. For you younger folks, by pick up window I mean the kind in a pick up truck not at McDonalds. Dumbasses. It was just something people did back then. When was the last time you saw a gun rack in a pick up? I thought so. People go ape shit when they see that sort of thing today. For example.... OMG! There's a Gun! A little while back, the students at Rochester Institute of Technology were going about doing what college kids do on campus. Then all of the sudden, somebody spotted a gun! With some of the tragedies of recent years concerning guns on campus, I understand that people are a bit leary of such things. The college staff sent out an emergency email warning of a possible shooter on campus. Here's the email: "Person allegedly with rifle spotted outside Kate Gleason residence hall. Shelter in place. People in the area of the residence halls are advised to stay inside until further notice." The Monroe County sheriff's department was notified and quickly responded. After searching the campus, they located the alleged rifle carrier. There was one small detail that lead them to release him. The rifle was really an umbrella! Woops! Last time I checked, unless it was a James Bond movie or an episode of Get Smart, umbrella rifles are very rare in Rochester, New York. But I am just guessing here. I don't blame the student who reported the "rifle" to authorities, but come the fuck on. There's just too damn much paranoia going on out there. I do, however, have a solution to eliminate or at least minimize such incidents. Make it legal for properly trained students to carry some fucking heat! A Glock or Smith & Wesson will certainly make a bad guy think twice about going on a shooting rampage when he himself could get smoked. If it doesn't make him think twice, then at least the loss of life or injuries can be substantially lowered if an armed student shoots the son a bitch dead where he stands. I'm just sayin'. Just make sure the bastard has a gun, not an umbrella. Unless he's Maxwell Smart or James Bond. Dumbass. Post a Comment via realdumbassnews.blogspot.com

Stop! Or I'll Shoot You With My Umbrella!

Bad Guy Repellant
The world has changed a lot since I was a a kid. Back in the mid 60s I used to ride my bike all over town without fear of being kidnapped or molested. Today, I wouldn't let one of my little girls ride their bikes across the street, much less all over town. It's a sad day when kids can't even be kids anymore.

It used to be the same with guns, rifles and shotguns particularly. Hell, you couldn't travel a few blocks without seeing a gun rack in some old boys pick up window. For you younger folks, by pick up window I mean the kind in a pick up truck not at McDonalds. Dumbasses. It was just something people did back then. When was the last time you saw a gun rack in a pick up? I thought so. People go ape shit when they see that sort of thing today. For example....

OMG! There's a Gun!


A little while back, the students at Rochester Institute of Technology were going about doing what college kids do on campus. Then all of the sudden, somebody spotted a gun! With some of the tragedies of recent years concerning guns on campus, I understand that people are a bit leary of such things. The college staff sent out an emergency email warning of a possible shooter on campus. Here's the email: "Person allegedly with rifle spotted outside Kate Gleason residence hall. Shelter in place. People in the area of the residence halls are advised to stay inside until further notice." 



The Monroe County sheriff's department was notified and quickly responded. After searching the campus, they located the alleged rifle carrier. There was one small detail that lead them to release him. The rifle was really an umbrella!



Woops!


Last time I checked, unless it was a James Bond movie or an episode of Get Smart, umbrella rifles are very rare in Rochester, New York. But I am just guessing here.

I don't blame the student who reported the "rifle" to authorities, but come the fuck on. There's just too damn much paranoia going on out there. I do, however, have a solution to eliminate or at least minimize such incidents. Make it legal for properly trained students to carry some fucking heat! A Glock or Smith & Wesson will certainly make a bad guy think twice about going on a shooting rampage when he himself could get smoked. If it doesn't make him think twice, then at least the loss of life or injuries can be substantially lowered if an armed student shoots the son a bitch dead where he stands. I'm just sayin'.

Just make sure the bastard has a gun, not an umbrella. Unless he's Maxwell Smart or James Bond.

Dumbass.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Doc Will Snip Your Gazebos & Give You a Pizza!

Hold the Little Balls

As we all know, the economy is in pretty rough shape. As a result, many retailers are offering incentives for you to shop at their business. You know what I mean...but 1 get 1 free, late night sales that offer deep discounts, etc. I found a business with an incentive that tops anything you've ever seen before. It's so unique that it is Dumbass Worthy.

Snip Snip

A doctor in Sandwhich. Massachusetts had a plan for all you guys on the go. This specia;l gives new meaning to the term "March Madness". For you men about town, Dr. Evan Cohen is offering with each vasectomy in March, a FREE pizza! Yes, men, while some guy is fooling around with your nut sack, you can enjoy a nice, hot pepperoni pizza! Pepperoni. Ironic, ain't it? The pizza of course contains no sausage balls. I'm just sayin'.

Dr. Cohen says that this is the busiest time of year in his clinic for men who seek vasectomies, so he thought a little enticement might boost business. Why he chose pizza I don't know. It seems to me that hookers would be more appropriate. I mean shouldn't a guy make test run with his newly snipped huevos rancheros.

Great Idea

Personally, I think this is a great idea. Not necessarily pizza as the premium, though. I think the good Doctor should give away a Cadillac or something with every 20th nut cuttin'. Now that would bring in the business. Think about it. Here are these guys who are giving up ever being a father again and all Dr. Cohen offers is a pizza? C'mon, Doc. Up the ante a little. However. it's quite possible that we don't want the vasectomees to reproduce again. They are in Massachusetts after all. But, I digress.

From a marketing standpoint, this is pure genius though. Professionals from all walks of life should give this promotion a try. Lawyers could give away a free divorce or write your will for free. Baby doctors give pass out free diapers, etc.

This whole idea does bring up a question though. What would a proctologist use as an incentive for a colonoscopy?

Nevermind. I don't wanna know.

Dumbass.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Dead Granny, Beer & Hangover Cures!

In Need of a Dumbass Hangover Cure
It's Sunday and the day after St. Patrick's Day and I know you Dumbasses are hungover like Charlie Sheen after a night with hookers and nose candy. So, I'll make it easy on you with another edition of Best of Dumbass News! 

Before we get to the meat of the post, I would like to offer some hangover cures as used and approved by a former Professional Drinker - me. Your milage may vary.

Menudo - Menudo is a Meskin soup that uses tripe (cow guts) as it's major component. It tastes like shit, but if you can stomach a few slurps, it's the hangover cure for Meskins everywhere. It works. If you have a neighborhood or Mom and Pop Meskin Food place near you, you should score some menudo

Beer - The Hair of the Dog. A rodeo warm Budweiser is best.

Pot - Is there anything a good fatty won't cure? This is, of course, illegal, so smoke at your own risk. A joint will also make menudo taste like a T-bone steak. Double Hangover Cure! Spark one up!

Lesbians Need Penises - In this masterpiece, I profile a penis museum in Iceland. I am still waiting for a call from the Pulitzer Prize Dumbasses.

Dumbass Emeritus -  A lovely young lass named Alexandra is the only Dumbass Emeritus in the history of Dumbass News. The reason is simple. Alex has a website called WTF WiFi which deals with the nnicknames people assigned to the wireless networks in their homes and businesses. It's a great site with some very funny WiFi Nics. WTF WiFi further proves that dumbasses are everywhere. Plus, Alex makes a little cheese off of such a simple but brilliant idea by following the KISS Theory - Keep It Simple Stupid. Outstanding.

Dumbass Hoarders and a Dead Granny -  This is a tale fit for the whole family with a valuable lesson at the end. Be sure to have your children at your side when you read this. They'll be amazed by this warm, yet sad story.

Well, that's it for today, Dumbasses. It's a beautiful day here in Northern New England, so I think I'll spend some time with my daughters and maybe start some plants so I can have them ready to go come Memorial Day when it's finally safe to put them outside. Until the next time we convene, do something today that will make Dumbass News headlines tomorrow. You'll make your family proud.

Dumbasses.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

St. Patrick's Day Facts & a Dumbass Priest!

Stain on My Church
Happy St. Patrick's Day, Dumbasses! Today is a great day for all Americans of Irish descent. Tis a day to honor the Patron Saint of Ireland by eating corned beef, cabbage and potatoes. Personally, I'd rather have some red beans and Meskin cornbread. But then again I ain't Irish and I hate corned beef. But I digress. St. Patrick's Day also means drinking plenty of the amber current, which for all you dumbasses in Cal-ee-forn-ya means "beer". Green beer specifically. And, no, I don't mean some Schlitz that's been sitting around the trailer in an open can for the last six months. Dumbasses.

St. Patrick Facts 

I live about two hours from Boston which has a large population of people of Irish heritage, so I know about St. Patrick. See: Boston Celtics as an example. The C's, as many New Englanders call them, have as their mascot a leprechaun and a shamrock. I do wonder why the Red Sox aren't called the Shamrocks or Green Beers or something. Again, I digress.

Anyway, St. Patrick was the dude who drove the homos out of Ireland and did some other saintly stuff during the 5th century. Stuff like invent green beer. And corned beef. I hate corned beef. He also had a walking stick that grew into a living tree. No kiddin'. St. Pat was a hip guy, I tell ya.

There's a brief history of St. Patrick and now on to today's dumbass!

Father Dumbass 
Before I go any further, I want to state that I am a Roman Catholic. I love my Church and Jesus and all that religious stuff. What you are about to read is in no way meant as disrespectful to the Church, the Pope or Saint Jim Bob. Today's story is directed solely at one priest who is by any definition, a dumbass.

Father Michael Pfleger of St. Sabina Catholic Church in Chicago is at it again. This is the same priest who hangs around with the Rev Jeremiah Wright. Wright is a dumbass, too, but that's another story for another time. But I will say that the Rev is a commie, America-hating racist who spews hate and bigotry at every turn. And Father Mike hangs with this asshole. Oh. I forgot. Father Mike is an asshole, too. If for no other reason than palling around with the Rev and preaching at the Rev's church. Father Mike also looks like a homo, the kind St. Patrick drive out of Ireland.

Father Mike now has his collar in a twist over what is going into some Easter baskets. What, pray tell, could be in an Easter basket that drives a man of the cloth into such a froth? Why, guns, of course! Water pistols and some kind of Nerf gun. Father Mike went so as to write a letter to Kmart demanding that they remove the offending baskets from their shelves.

Here's part of what the good Father had to say in his missive: " With the increasing gun violence in Chicago and across this country, I am amazed that you would choose to offer toy guns to our children to make them comfortable with playing with them. I am asking you to remove any baskets with toy guns in them from your store's shelves immediately."Kmart promptly told Father Mike to stuff it in his rectory. Good on Kmart!

A Shit Stain 

Hey, Father Mike! Do you know why there is so much gun violence in Chi-town? Because all the douchebags in charge of the city have instituted very strict gun control measures! That means that the law abiding people of Chicago are largely unarmed. And the bad guys know this. Being bad guys, they illegally obtain firearms and take advantage of the unarmed citizenry of the Second City. Get it? If you dickweeds would follow the Constitution of the United States and allow qualified citizens to carry a side arm, then maybe, just maybe, the bad guys might think twice about committing a crime. Even bad guys aren't particularly fond of being blasted to Kingdom Come by Whitey or having their internal organs splattered all over Waveland and Sheffield. The bad guys harm the harmless, not the strong. That's how things work, Father Mike. Ain't that easy?

While I can agree to disagree with Father Mike on gun control, I still think he's an idiot for doing what he's doing about the Easter basket thing. More than that though, Father Mike is a shit stain on the very priestly clothes he wears. His actions show a man not worthy of serving God in the Catholic Church. Join the Rev in his hell hole of a "church", Mike. You have besmirched the name of good men who Faithfully executed their Churchly duties as men of God and successors to St. Peter and the other eleven disciples. While I do not judge what is in your heart, as the Bible instructs me, I am freely willing and able to jump your shit when it comes to your actions. It's Open Season on them.

You bring a tear to the eye of Jesus, Father Mike. I will, however, pray for your pained soul.

Dumbass.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Strippers Help LA Little League Baseball! Almost

Batter Up!
What in the name of all that is Holy are they teaching the kids in Los Angeles? I am speaking specifically about the boys and girls who play Little League Baseball in LA. I was shocked and dismayed at what I recently learn about our National Pasttime and the way it is administrated in the City of Angels.

Angels 

The Los Angeles Little League is hard up for cash. The league was in need of money to save its season. Therefore, it seems to me, that sizeable donations would be welcome. Oooooooohhhhh noooooo, not in Tinseltown! Not long ago a group of benevolent young ladies made a $1200 donation to the LALL (LA Little League) and it was accepted. BUT! The President of LALL returned the money to them when he found out they were strippers at Jet Strip Club! I couldn't believe my eyes when I read this. The nice young ladies made the donation as a gift and didn't ask that any of the teams in LA Little League wear "Jet Strip Club" on their jerseys or anything. I wonder what the name of a team sponsored by Jet would be? The Boobs? The Nipples? The 38s? Just askin'.

Community Outreach 

Jet has long, as they put it, "given back to the community" <snicker> I'll bet. But seriously folks...I am certain that the "exotic dancers" at Jet have given plenty back to the community. Things like lapdances and STDs. Hahahahaha I just made that part up. On the real side, Jet has made considerable donations to area schools by giving money for school supplies and stuff. These aren't your ordinary slutty ass strippers we're talking about here. They are community-minded slutty ass strippers. Just because a chick shows off her yahbos to horny bastards who could never land a woman like a slutty ass stripper, doesn't mean that their money is somehow coated with poison or it came from the Mafia.

I think the La Little League President Roberto Aguirre screwed the pooch on this one. The league needed money in the worst way. The gals at Jet sent over a check for $1200. There's some much needed cash flow for the kids. Take it and callate, Roberto. I don't how this story got out nor do I care. Roberto and the other dumbasses at LALL could have accepted the check and used the money for the kids in the league and shut the fuck up. The whole thing could have been done anonymously. no harm. No foul. Instead some loose-lipped asswipe had to run to the press with the story and now the kids are out over a thousand dollars.

Strippers Are Moms Too 

As long as it's legal, I don't give a shit what anybody does for a living. Stripping is legal. In a former life I frequented "gentlemens' clubs" on a fairly regular basis. I wasn't searching for some fantasy lover or any other bullshit. I know now and I knew then how the game is played. I just liked going to strip clubs.(I haven't been to a jiggle joint in over 10 years, so don't get your underwear all in a wad). I found during my time at these places that many of the young ladies who work there are single mothers with little or no education or hopes of getting a "regular" job. But many them were also going to college to better their lives and stripping was a way to make money (LOTS of money) to pay the bills. And so many of them were single mothers, as you would expect. When you have kids, sometimes you have to do things you would not ordinarily do in order to feed and clothe them. Were there crack whore skanks who danced in the clubs I went to so many years ago? Hell yes.

My point here is not to defend the virtues of taking your clothes off for strangers, but to point out that many of these chicks are just doing what they gotta do, for whatever reason. They are doing nothing illegal by stripping and, again, a shitload of them are college students paying their way through school. Others, on the other hand, are drug addicted losers who'd fuck a horse for their next hit of heroin. I ain't talking about them here.

I have been friends with dancers before and the young ladies I befriended were just like you and me - regular people. No, I never met them away from their jobs or ask for anything (not even a lapdance). When I went to the clubs, it was like two friends meeting over coffee at Joe's Coffee Shop in Irving, Texas, except we met over boobs and beer. I must confess, however, I once bought a stripper a puppy. Why? Because she wanted one. And she was my friend.

Finally 

The Prez of La Little League should have just taken the money from the strippers and shut up. Did it ever occur to this Holier than Thou douchebag that maybe one of the dancers had a kid that played in the LALL? Hell no.

Roberto Aguirre, you should go to Jet Strip Club sometime. You might find someone who has a big heart and a willingness to give the kids in the LA Little League a hand. And some much needed money.

Besides, you could probably use a cold beer.

And a lapdance.

Dumbass.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Cop Beat Up by Girfriend with a Justin Bieber Doll!

Beat Up by Justin Bieber Doll
Today's story involves a cop and is one of the weirdest yet to appear on Dumbass News.That's saying a lot considering the fact that we've written about cops being attacked by sex toys, cops whose police cruiser has been pissed on and a little diddy about a cop who tasered a female cops ass, in the police station! No matter how much dumbassery those stories reek of, they do not compare to the stoopididity that awaits you in this beauty.

Domestic Disturbance 

Domestic violence is, sad, all too common in the United States. Sometimes these incidents involve police officers. Let's face it though, that being a cop has to be one of the toughest jobs in the world. These guys gotta be wound tighter than a Britney Spears alarm clock, even at home. That's still no excuse to put your hands on a woman in a violent manner. That said, let's move on.

Our cop in question today is a member of the Denver Police Department. Michael Nuanes got into an argument with his girlfriend when things got, as they say, out of control. There was the usual pushing and shoving and throwing things. As a result of this confrontation, Michael is filing suit against his gal pal for being mean to him and injuring him with thrown objects. Did I mention that the thrown object that "injured" Nuanes was a Justin Bieber doll? Yes! A Justin Bieber doll! Dude, Justin Bieber himself couldn't hurt my 5 year old daughter, much less a trained police officer. Upon seeing Nuanes' mug shot, I thought the guy played linebacker for the Green Bay Packers and he says he was injured, on the foot no less, by a Justin Bieber doll??!! Dude, you are a fucking crybaby.

Are You Kiddin'?

From the story on HuffPo: "According to an Adams County Sheriff's Office affidavit via the Smoking Gun, "Nuanes stated that [his girlfriend] had thrown a 'Barbie Doll' at him, which bruised his foot and [said] that it hurt ... Nuanes pointed out a 'Justin Bieber' doll, which was the item used to injure him." He also said she "bit his finger and that it also hurt." Well, hell, that makes a world of difference. She bit his finger too! Good Gawd Almighty! I wonder what would happen if this guy had to arrest a real criminal like, let's say, a gang member or a murderer? Curl into the fetal position and start sucking his thumb? Oh, wait.. He's already proved he's a tough guy by beating on a woman. My bad. He wouldn't curl up and suck his thumb. He'd shit his pants, then curl up and suck his thumb.

On second thought, I have seen Justin Bieber has been wearing leather lately and that, in and of itself is a pretty scary sight. The doll must have been leather clad as well.

I almost forgot! You wnnaa know why the disagreement between Nuanes and his girlfriend started in the first place? Wait. For. It. She had yet to change her Facebook status to "In a relationship"! Are. You. Fucking. Kiddin'? I can almost here the Liberal weenies out there calling for the Feds to clamp down on Facebook. "Ban the Relationship Status" on Facebook! "Facebook Hates Women!" The possibilities are endless for an enterprising Commie Pussy.

What I Think 

Where do I begin? First, Michael Nuanes has no place in the Denver Police Department or any civil service positon. He's a coward, a bully and a big pussy for laying his hands on a woman like that. Second, send the cocksucker prison and let him find out how fun it is to be slapped around by somebody bigger than he is. Third, while he's in the Big House, send him a lifetime supply of Soap on a Rope. If he were to drop a regular bar of soap in the prison shower, the right to remain silent goes out the window.

Fuck Michael Nuanes.

Dumbass.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Home Brewed Booze as a Bigfoot Tracking Tool

Fwench Woman on a Stroll
I need a day off. And since I am the boss and Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, I am gonna take one. I have some personal business to attend to today, so I dug up a post from a while back that thrilled Dumbasses around the with its insight and keen observations that is sure to excite the masses. I'll be back tomorrow ith my usual Dumbass take on the world and the dumbasses who inhabit it.

Toby

Mankind has been in search of mythical creatures for hundreds of years. Sea monsters, the Loch Ness Monster and his American Cousin, Champ over in Vermont, the Chupacabra (Goat Sucker for all you Gringos out there) of South Texas, you name it, man has looked for it. One of the most enduring and endearing legends of dumbass looking "monsters" is that of Big Foot, Yeti or Sasquatch, depending on which culture you ask - Dumbass White Guy Culture, the Chinese or American Indians. each one has a stale of similar beasts roving the Northern Hemisphere from China to the Pacific Northwest of the USA.


Now some dumbass old man who has sought out Bigfoot for decades(!) has arranged another research expedition in search of my mother-in-law the legendary beast. This waste of hard earned cash, I mean, scientific exercise will take place in North Carolina. the main Expedition Dumbass Guy is Michael Greene who has said that his "previous encounters with Bigfoot -- also known as Sasquatch and Yeti in the folklore of different cultures -- include hearing the creature roar and capturing thermal imaging footage of a 7-foot-tall creature with no discernible neck...". Where I come from we call these encounters being shitfaced drunk and/or married. But, I am a dumbass Redneck, so what do I know. I'll tell you what I know! I know about being married as I have partaken of such on more than one occasion and I damn sure know about being shitfaced drunk. I must confess that I was much better at being shitfaced drunk than at being married. Anyway, our Bigfoot researcher, Brother Dumbass Greene has a plan that will with unquestioned certainty will finally prove the existence of this non-existent animal!

After reading that statement, you'd think that Brother Dumbass Greene had the most advanced technology available to men of his er, uh, "stature" in his quest for Bigfoot. But no!!! Here are Greene's own words as stolen borrowed from the UPI story:

"Usually," Greene said of his previous Bigfoot hunts, nothing at all happens. But you hear roaring in the bushes. They'll pitch rocks into camp, but they never hit anybody. Greene said his team will try to root out the Sasquatch with low-tech methods such as banging on trees with baseball bats and leaving candy bars at their campsite." In his statement, Greene left out the most powerful in his Bigfoot Searching Arsenal - moonshine! That will make something happen! Trust me on this one, folks. A couple of gizzard-warming shots of Mountain Dew will make you see Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra, Jesus and all sorts of other creatures and apparitions. After due consideration, I have deemed this little junket a success no matter if Bigfoot is found or not. Smoky Moutain Soothin' Syrup is guaranteed to make any critter-finding field trip worthwhile!


Besides the low-tech approach to this experiment, Brother Dumbass Greene has unwittingly added more tools to his baseball bats,candy bars and moonshine - hallucinations and nekkidness. A snort or two of Hillbilly Sody (spelling intentional) Water and Brother Dumbass Greene and his colleagues will be dancing around the camp fire buck ass nekkid singing the Best of Slim Whitman at the top of their lungs. I just hope that Bigfoot is a Slim Whitman fan, too. Happy hunting, Senor Greene!



Dumbass.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Special Delivery: I Have a Cow Heart for Ms. Jones

$3.99/lb
It's 10:10AM EDT as I type this so let me apologize for being tardy with my post today. Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde has been very sick for a few weeks, so almost all of the household duties have become my responsibility. Yes, this includes getting the Young Dumbasses (2 girls, 5 & 9) ready for school. Since I pick out the 5 year old Dumbass's wardrobe for the day, she is, depending on who you ask, either the coolest or weirdest dressed kid in her school.

Speaking of cow hearts...

I Heart You  

 Dumbass Dateline, Portland, Oregon again. I first read about this story a couple of days ago, but it didn't have an ending so I didn,t want to write about it. But the Portland PD has now solved the case and it has a couple of elements of dumbassery that could only happen the Pacific Northwest.

The story started when some dumbass in Portland got his hands on a cow heart. Yes, a cow (moo moo and all that) heart. He prolly got it at an ethnic food store. Anyway, the dumbass with the cow heart decided it would be a great idea to place the heart on the front porch of one of his friends! What could possibly go wrong? The dumbass then set out on his on a dark and stormy night, under cover of darkness to complete his appointed task.(I made up the dark and stormy night part. I've just always wanted to use that phrase in a post) He arrived at the prankee's address and gently, ever so gently put the cow heart on the front porch. Then he ran like hell, no doubt laughing his ass off at what he had just pulled off. Remember we are dealing with a dumbass, so something just had to go wrong. And it did.

He put the cow heart on the porch of the wrong address! The friend the ccow heart was intended for lived around the corner! The next morning the owner of the house opened his front door to pick up the daily bird cage liner (that's newspaper for you idiots in Portland, the O-R-E) only to discover a cow heart on his porch! After recovering from his massive coronary upon seeing the cow heart on his porch, the home owner then went inside to have a shot of Tequila and call the cops. In that order.

Case Closed  

While the PPD worked furiously looking for a Satanic cult or mobsters, well, maybe not furiously, more like "who gives a shit?", on this case, they were unable to solve it. Until....

She walked in. In all the cow heart cases around the world and she walks into mine. She was the intended victim of the cow heart prank. I can just see it. This babe walks into the Cop Shop and says, "The cow heart was meant for me." She proceeds to tell the story of what went wrong, with the cops laughing very heartily (pun intended).

Heart to Heart 

Here's some advice for the Cow Heart Dumbass. The next time you get the urge to place animal organs on someone's porch, get the address right first! Now it's possible that Cow Heart Guy was punked by some of his and deliberately given the wrong address. In that case, he should get them all in one location at the same time, say a poker game, and when the time is right, blast them all to Kingdom Come with an M-16. Or he could simply get drunk and piss on them.

Secondly: Cow hearts are so fucking passe. Next time you do this shit, use a horse penis or something. Or a live rattlesnake. That'll induce more than a measly massive coronary. You've got to go for the gusto, son. Wouldn't a dead body add great effect to the whole prank? Do I have to do all your thinking for you?

Dumbass.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Boobs for Beer!!!

He's Reaching for His Wallet ***
One of the pleasures of writing Dumbass News is that I get to choose the subject matter every day. And no subject matter says "dumbass" like boobs. Not that boobs are dumbass, but there's always a dumbass attached to said knockers if they appear here. Today's stoy, however, has another component to it which used to be near and dear to my heart - beer. Boobs and beer, what could possibly go wrong? Well, let me tell you.

A Problem Arises

Down in Florida (I live in Maine so it's "down" in Florida to me) two women were out for a night on the town and stopped by a local tavern where they consumed massive quantities of barley pop. They were drunk. Not commode huggin' drunk but drunk nonetheless. After drinking all this beer, they decided that they needed more beer. But there was one small problem. They were out of money. This is where the saying "necessity is the Mother of invention" comes into play. Throw in a dose of good old capitalism and American ingenuity and you have a felony! Let me splain.

Boobs and Beer

OK, so these two chicks are drunk and out of money, so, like any good businessman, they hatch a plan to get some cash flow. The idea is that they will go around to each table in the tavern and show their hooters if some dumbass will "tip" them. At this point I have decided that this pair of bimbos are either hookers or strippers. Probably butt ugly ones too. But that's purely speculation. However, to back my assertion I present to you a question. How many women who look like Miss America get drunk enough to be willing to show their hammers for beer money? I rest my case.

Anyway, the women start going around from table to table offering to display their assets hoping to get some drinking money. Their effort was futile. This further proves that they were as pretty as the north bound end of a south bound mule. But I digress. Employees at the watering hole were alerted to this boobs for beer plot and escorted the ladies outside. This where the real fun begins.

The Struggle 

Once outside the tavern the strippers, I mean, women become unruly. Given that they are plastered this comes as no surprise. There's a big scuffle where the two drunk bimbos attack one of the employees showing them the way out of the bar. The attackee was a female. The attackee's co-worker, a male, pulled the women apart, trying to restore some semblance of order. But it was not to be. As the guy was separating the chicks, one of the drunk "I'll Show My Tits for Beer Money" broads pulled a knife! The cops were called.

So now the "Boobs for Beer" plot becomes a "3 to 5 Years in the State Pen" plot.

My Idea 

This incident could have ended much differently and for the good if two things had happened.

Thing 1: If you are so drunk that you have to offer to display your ta-tas for more money for more beer, it's time to go home. Call a cab and head to the Ponderosa.

Thing 2: If you do intend to flash your yahbos for more money for more beer, please make sure that you look more like Miss America than Miss Pig Shit. Your chances of getting the cash will increase exponentially. Trust me one that one.

Dumbasses.

***Photo from Funnyhub.com***

Sunday, March 11, 2012

The Shocking Truth About Daylight Savings Time!

Spring Forward
Before we get into the meat of today's Dumbass post, I must pass on a (cue fanfare and Professional Radio Announcer Voice) Dumbass Public Service Announcement! I hope you Dumbasses in the United States remembered to "spring forward" by setting your clocks and watches forward an hour for Daylight Savings Time. 48 1/2 states observe DST. Parts of Indiana and all of Arizona do not take place in this annual event (unless things have recently changed), making it much harder for the dumbasses of those states to figure out when their favorite reality show comes on TV. But, hey, that's part of being a dumbass.DST runs into November which means Americans have to endure one less hour of the Obama presidency. But that's a subject for another day. I bring it only to give hope to all US citizens and illegal aliens that the end of the Great Experiment in Socialism in our beloved Republic is nigh.

WTF is DST?

I ain't sure. I just know that the sun comes up and goes down later than normal. During Plain Old Time, or POT as we call it on Dumbass News, the sun comes up really early here in Maine. It looks like High Noon at 5 AM. It take some time to get used to. With DST in effect, we have to wait til 6 AM! In addition, it doesn't get completely dark until close to 10 PM! I must say though, that this allows me many hours of decimating the fish population of the Pine Tree State. Fish.Fear.Me.

As far as Daylight Savings Times goes, it doesn't really "save" any daylight. So why don't they call it "The Sun Comes Up and Sets Later Time". Dumbasses. I have neither time nor the inclination to go into the whole DST Thing in this post, so I'll refer you to this info from Wikipedia.

The Shocking Truth!

According to some dumbass shit I found in a "Bing" search (Google is Evil, not that Microsoft is much better) Daylight Savings Times is all about money! Big Oil is the main culprit although there are other conspirators as well. Personally, I blame George W. Bush, Evil Oil Man and Bloodthirsty Hater of Minorities. But that's just me. Read this bullshit and come to your own conclusions. This stuff sounds like it came straight from the Democrat National Committee. But, it tells the Shocking Truth! And that's what Dumbass News is all about- the Shocking Truth! 


Back to Bed

All I know about DST is that I lost an hour's sleep last night. This is not good. My wife has been sick with various forms of a cold, the flu and now bronchitis and a double ear infection. That means that for a few weeks that I have been Mom and Dad to two young children. What's the big deal? I am 55 years old. My 9 year old is a great kid, except for when she gets sneaky about stuff. That's to be expected though. She's just a growing young lady finding her her boundaries. But my 5 year, that's another story. She's like a West Texas Tornado destroying everything in her path. The kid is a one girl wrecking crew. Thankfully, there have been no deaths associated with this phenomenon.


Now that I know the Shocking Truth, I can sleep in peace. And expect the sun to rise at 5 AM instead of 4 AM. Oh the joy. Wait! The Texas Tornado wakes up about an hour before the sun comes up! I am a dead man.

But at least I know the Shocking Truth.

Dumbasses.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Midget Bullfighting and Negroes For Supper

Toro! ***
Oh boy! One of my favorite, and one of the most popular, subjects on this blog is midgets. I have absolutely nothing at all against midgets. Hell, I am only 5'4" myself. That ain't exactly Andre the Giant territory. It's just that so many people, many of them midgets themselves, get so fucking bent when a midget goes against what they (the bent people) think is "proper" behavior for a "little person". A shitload of midgets get pissed off as well.

A Little Bull 

The latest thing to put a knot in the panties of a bunch of sissy do-gooders is Midget Bullfighting. You got it. Little People doing the cucaracha with bulls. Baby bulls of course. And this pisses off so many pussies why? Why is it that midgets have to all be exactly the same following the same rules or living the same lifestyle? I don't get it. The Little People doing the bullfighting surely know what they are getting into. Or are they, as the Pissed Off Pussies seem to insinuate, too stoopid to make their own decisions? I go with the Bullfighting Midgets on this one. They are playing the hand that they've been dealt and making some cheese (that's money for those of you in New Jersey) also. Do these same protesters think less of Meskins or Spaniards for bullfighting? Or are they expected to bend tacos and make sangria simply because of some pre-conceived idea of what Meskins and Spaniards are "expected" to do? I can't remember his name, but did you know that the richest man in the world is a Meskin? I guess he bent a shit load of tacos to get there. Oh, did I mention that dwarf bullfighting is very popular in Mexico? I wonder if the Rich Meskin Guy has a stake in it?

Hypocrites 

This is what all these Liberals and Pissed Off Pussies do. They complain and bitch and moan that white guys, particularly Southern White Guys, placed people in categories because of their skin color, ethnicity or some other stoopid shit. Some do. But the vast majority of these rednecks would be happy to have a midget over for dinner. Why hell, they'd even let the midget sit at the grown up table. You'd be surprised to learn that 99% of these same "bigots" would actually have supper with Negroes! Yes, Negroes! Of course the Negroes would have to sit at the back of the dining room, but at least they eat fairly close to the Southern White Guys. What more do you expect from raaaaacists and bigots? BTW, raaaaacist always has five "a"s in it.

My point is that while all the Pissed Off Pussies and Liberals, but I repeat myself, are supposedly the people who think that all men are equal, but they are the ones constantly grouping people by race, religion, midgetry, etc. I say fuck the Pissed Off Pussies and their ilk. They are a bunch of hypocritical assholes who need to get laid. Or summarily shot at sun up. I am only kidding. They don't need to get laid. They might reproduce and we can't have that. Just shoot 'em.

Or make 'em have a Negro over for supper. NO! Not as the main course! As a guest, dickweed!

The Pissed Off Pussies and other Liberal Asswipes should be looking up to midget bullfighters. But then they'd (the POP) would have to be bigger men to do it. And the only bull they know is the bullshit they are so full of.

Dumbasses.

Hat tip to The Dumbass Wife

***Photo from Getty via HuffPo***

Friday, March 9, 2012

Duct Tape and Nekkid Driving!

Lookin' for Love in Portland
When it comes to dumbassery, few places on the entire planet are weirder than Portland, Oregon. My guess is that other than San Francisco, Portland prolly has the highest Dumbass to "normal" people ratio in the country. I think the reason for this is the fact that so many homos and various other life forms of dumbassery migrate from Cal-ee-forn-ya to the Pacific Northwest trying to - wait for it - escape the dumbssery in Cal-ee-forn-ya! <face/palm> Go frakkin' figger.

True Dumbass Love

Nothing says true dumbass love like duct taping your girlfriend like a Taliban hostage and putting her in the back seat of your Subaru for a little joy ride around town. While you, too, are nekkid as a jay bird as you escort your hostage sweetie all through Portland. Not that a duct taped nekkid woman in the back seat of a Subaru would garner much attention in Portland, Oregon, but one sane soul noticed the nekkid, taped up bimbo and called the cops. One can only imagine what the heat thought when they encountered a nekkid guy driving a Subaru with a duct taped nekkid lady in the back seat! I'm fairly confident that the local constabulary had some very powerful handguns pointed directly at Mr. Driving Nekkid Guy at the sight of such a situation.

After taking a large shit on the genuine imitation llama hair seat cover, and losing his boner, Mr. Driving Nekkid Guy and Ms. Custom Duct Tape Job by Jim Bob Jumpback explained that they were just out for a nekkid ride just for a little for fun. And sexual thrills. Yup, instead of a nice candlelight dinner with some cheap wine, these two dumbasses get nekkid, duct taped and stoopid. And cited for disorderly conduct for driving around Portland, Oregon for all to see. This just oooooozzzzzeeesssss romance.

Reactions

When people learned of this little Love Boat on Land episode, most of the reactions were of the "So what, they were just having fun?" variety. One local dumbass posted on the Portland Police Department Facebook page, and I quote, "Nothing wrong with that, they were just trying to have some fun, you monsters." I ain't kiddin'.

The best comment came from a guy who summed it up very nicely: "Keep Portland weird, man." Perfect.

I implore you to heed this advice as you travel through this journey we call life: nekkid, duct taped and driving through a major city is no way to go through life, son.

Dumbasses.
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