Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: April 2012 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Monday, April 30, 2012

Guy Gets Tooth Pulled By Ex-Girlfriend - What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

British Dental Care Survivor
As a man who has said "I do" on more than one occasion, I can not emphasize to you the importance of maintaining at least a civil relationship with your former spouse. Doing so could save you a shit load of grief and misfortune at a later date. Trust. Me. On. This. One.


I do not speak with one of my former spouses, although I do not hold any ill will towards her. She has her life. I have mine. Our kids are all grown up now and they have and/or are in the process of having their own children.  Besides, she lives in the Midwest, I live in New England. That way the shit works out right.

I am Facebook friends with another ex-wife and we get along very well. I actually like her. I know her husband and like him very much, too. He's a great guy. As far as she and I are concerned, I think it's pretty simple. She sees life differently because she was near death after a terrible automobile accident. Me? I see life differently because I quit drinking. Plus, we are twenty years older than we were when we were hitched and I'd like to think that we've both "matured" a little bit over the last two decades.

My current wife, whom I adore, is Eye-talian. I dare not piss her off  because she has male relatives named Frankie, Vito, Guido, Vinnie and Sal. Enough said.

These kind of cordial interactions between exes are not always the case.

Let me splain.

Don't Piss Off the Cook

You know the old sayings like "you don't pull on Superman's cape", "you don't spit into the wind", "you don't pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger" and "you don't mess around with Jim" ( There ya go, Rachel! :) ), I am sure.

I'd like to pass along another "don't piss off..." warning to you. Don't piss off the cook. The cook being the one who is preparing your food and has every opportunity to do vile and disgusting things to your meal should you unreasonably irritate him/her. This Rule of Life is alterable by substituting another word for "cook". Like, let's say, "dentist". Especially a dentist who is your ex-lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/whatever.

Marek Olszewski learned this lesson the hard way.

Let me further splain.

The Toothache That Lead to Disaster

Some background to the story: Our Pollack friend Marek developed a toothache. He made an appointment with the dentist. But, fellow Dumbasses, this was no ordinary tooth yanker. This particular perturbed puller of pearly whites was Marek's ex-girlfriend! In my humble Dumbass opinion, nothing good could come from this. Not even a bad tooth. A bad tooth and 31 other perfectly good teeth perhaps. Woops! I gave away the punch line.

The ex-girlfriend dentist, Anna, said that she tried to "be professional and detach myself from my emotions, but when I saw him lying there I just thought, 'What a b-----d.'" So, like any spark-spittin' mad bitch with a set of pliers and access to narcotics, Anna set out for revenge. She sedated Marek and carefully extracted his bad tooth. Then she pulled a good tooth. Then she removed another good tooth. And another. And another. Soon, Marek was as toothless as a meth-addicted moonshiner from West Virginia. 

Upon completion of the malicious molar mauling, Anna wrapped Marek's face up in bandages so he wouldn't realize that he had NO teefahs left in his head. He did, however, notice that he couldn't feel any teeth in his mouth and Anna told him that it just the numbness from the medication she had given him and that the feeling would wear off when the drugs did. 

Enter the mirror.

He Thought She was "Trustworthy"

Looking into a mirror confirmed Marek's worst suspicions. He would be gumming his steaks and burgers for the foreseeable future. There was enough empty space in his mouth, just like his head, to park a 1956 Cadillac Fleetwood. Here's what Marek had to say, "I didn't have any reason to doubt her -- I mean, I thought she was a professional". Famous last words of a Dumbass. "But when I got home I looked in the mirror and I couldn't fucking believe it! The bitch emptied my mouth!"

Dude, trusting a pissed off lady dentist who just happened to be your ex to pull a tooth should have been your first clue that this was not a good idea. The second clue should have been your membership card to "Dumbasses of America".

It Gets Better

This is not the end of this ordeal for Marek. Not only did our Dumbass lose all his teeth in this episode, he also lost his current girlfriend! The reason the current gal pal dumped him? He has no teeth! She said she just couldn't date a man who didn't have any teeth. bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Now that's funny!

I guess asking her for a blow job is out of the question.

Did I mention that this shit took place in England where dental hygiene is right up there with eating Coon Ass (Cajun) food? It. Ain't. Happenin'.

Did I also mention that England has nationalized health care? This is what they deserve for enacting that shit. no offense to Ma and Pa Limey, just the fucking Commies who enacted and run the UK version of Obamacare. See what we are in for, America? But I digress.


Anna Gets Yanked 


Anna is under investigation for medical malpractice and could face three years in an English prison playing "hide the suction hose" with other young ladies who have teeth. By that I mean no teeth in the head but teeth in other orifices of their bodies. I'll leave it at that.

Have fun, Anna! By your actions, you have merited the old "broom handles area girl's best friend" treatment.

Dumbass.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Dumbass Songs, Videos & a Touching Tribute to the End of the World!

The Winner


                              Drop Kick Me Jesus


                                      Tequila Sheila

Finger On the Button (lyrics)
by Bobby Bare


I have appointed me the captain of my destinyAnd proclaimed myself the pilot of my soulBut my mind remains uneasy cause the rest of meDepends on someone I don't even knowMay the man who has his finger on the button have a lovely day todayHope nothing hangs him up or ticks him off or bums him out in any wayLord help him keep his cool cause he could pull the final curtain on my playMay the man who has his finger on the button have a lovely day today[ dobro ]I can recall when only God could start the world anewHe who left his babies wasted on the shoreBut now that man could have the last word if he wanted to[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/finger-on-the-button-lyrics-bobby-bare.html ]God ain't such a bad dude anymoreMay the man who has his finger on the button have a lovely night tonightHope he's got himself a honey who knows what to do and I hope she does it rightAnd in my heart I know you won't go bananas and again he mightMay the man who has his finger on the button have a lovely night tonightMay the man who has his finger...Send him over anything he wants give him a sixpack of beerGive him my old lady my girl friend
Have a Lovely Day.


Dumbasses.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Best of "Dumbass News": Feed 'Em & They Come Back

Dumbass Bait
Best of Dumbass News: This blog is getting new readers every day,. Literally. OK, maybe they're not "readers" per se, but at least they look at the pictures I post. But you gotta remember, they are Dumbasses and they can't help themselves. Kind of like YOU! 

Anyway, the point is that with all these new people stopping by the place, thus killing a few million brain cells, I have an obligation to keep them as satisfied customers. You know what I mean, throw 'em a bone. Feed 'em and they come back. Like a stray puppy. Or a homeless Dumbass. 

Soooooooooooo....for all the newer readers of Dumbass News, I present to you one of the Top 10 Most Popular Posts in the History of This Blog.

The Stranded Dumbass and the Cell Phone

If you were stranded on some deserted island after a boating mishap (cue Gilligan's Island theme song), faced with a situation that could possibly end up with you being injured or even dead, what would you do? I don't about you, but I am trying like hell to get myself noticed. I might light a fire or use rocks to "print" a message on the beach or any number of other things that would send out a call for help to get my dumb white ass off the damned island! What of you were faced with the same predicament and you had a cell phone and a good enough signal to use it? Speaking solely for myself here, I am calling 911! That's just the way I roll. 

There's this dumbass in California who faced the exact circumstances I outlined in scenario number two. This dipshit was the victim of a one man Gilligan's Island-type event. He was, like Gilligan and the rest of the castaways, stranded on a deserted island off the California coast. He was marooned when the inflatable raft he was in sprung a leak. He managed to get to the island safely before he was lost at sea. That's something that could happen to anybody, so you can't call the guy a dumbass just for that. However, this dumb fuck, unlike Gilligan and the gang, had a cell phone and access to a cell phone tower and he refused to use it! Why in the name of all that is Holy would he not used his damned cell phone??!! Wait. For. It. Because he was too embarrassed! I am not making this up. His name is Brian "Goat Man" Hopper. I ain't makin' that up either. Because Goat Man is a complete idiot and dumbass, he spent five days on this island living off of vitamins and plants native to the island. This brings up another important question. What kind of sub-moronic dumbass wakes up and says to himself, "Today I think I'll take my inflatable raft out on the Pacific Ocean for a little ride, but I dare notforget my vitamins!" Goat Man did not say, "I'd better take some water and maybe a sandwich in case something were to awry." He took his frakkin' Flintstones vitamins! I made up the part about the Flintstones vitamins. He prolly took his One-a-Day for Dumbasses instead.

On Day 5 of his "three hour tour", Goat Man got hungry enough to call his cousin who then notified the authorities. In a rare moment of lucidity after his rescue, Goat Man said, "I was embarrassed to be stranded on an island," Hopper said. "I thought I could fix my boat and make it to land ... I didn't want to spend the taxpayers' money to have the Coast Guard come rescue some stupid guy." Hammer meet head of nail. Goat Man also had this to say, Hopper said he now admits he should have called 911 in the first place. "It was the right thing to do," he said. Ya think?

Thank goodness, Goat Man is alive and well, but I have another question. What if Goat Man were stranded on that island with Jessica Alba and they thought they were doomed to die? Would he try to "get some"? Naaah. That ignorant bastard would say he was saving himself for marriage. Dumbass.


This device is useless in the hands of a dumbass

Friday, April 27, 2012

Upstate and Upside the Skull with a Sex Toy!

TWELVE Inches??!!
When I wrote this story about some drunk, horny Battery Operated Boyfriend-wielding Dumbass Dame attacking a policeman last November, I remember thinking at the time that stories like that would come around about once every 12 to 18 months. I was wrong. It took less than six months for another one to become the buzz (ha ha) of the internet.

For today's Assault by Dildo Adventure we venture to Upstate New York.

BOB and the Cop

The Watertown, New York Police Department recently received an early morning call about an unwanted person at a local residence. The "unwanted person" was a local woman who was not a welcomed guest at the home of a male friend of hers. At 3AM! This would be the appropriate time to inject (pun intended) into the story that the bitch was, shall we say, drunk. No, we shall say that the bimbo was blasted. 


Anyway, it was three in the morning and Officer Jonathon Pitts did his duty and went to check out what the hell was happening at this apartment. Upon surmising that the woman was indeed inebriated and not welcomed at the guy's home, Officer Pitts went about escorting the Dumbass from the residence when IT happened.

The suspect, Lisa Anderson, took offense to being removed from the premises and on the way out, lead by Officer Pitts, Anderson noticed a pink sex toy that just happened to be laying in a nearby chair. It was at this point that she picked up the plastic penis, threw a high heater ( a little baseball lingo there) in the general direction of the cop and it smacked the Good Officer on the forehead!

Questions immediately abound.

WTF

Being the inquisitive Dumbass that I am, I demand answers to some very pertinent questions that arise from this incident.

Questions:

  • Why is Lisa Anderson, the drunk fake dick throwing dumbass out at 3 AM? Did her mother not ever tell her that nothing good happens after midnight? 
  • Why is there a pink plastic penis "just laying around" in a chair in the living room of the victim's apartment? I am of the opinion that the guy in this story wanted to get his freak on with Lisa and the BOB but she was too loaded to perform to his specifications. This is merely speculative mind you.
  • As a former Professional Drinker, I saw and did some pretty damned stoopid shit, but throwing a dildo at a cop was not one of them. Of course, I never had much use for a  TWELVE INCH (according to the police report) pink plastic ding a ling, whether my Blood Alcohol Content was .02 or .20. Then again I was never lucky enough to be around a drunk chick who came over to my house at 3 AM wanting to play "Bury the BOB in My Nether Regions". Damn the bad luck.
Three Hour Tour 

It goes without saying that Lisa was taken into custody and put up for the remainder of the night in the City of Watertown Cross Bar Hilton charged with the "old dildo to the head of the investigating flat foot is a no-no" statute. This is a misdemeanor offense, so after sobering up, Lisa was released from custody and hightailed it straight away to a local 7-11 where she purchased a bottle of the Mad Dog and some "C" cell batteries for BOB. 

I hope she gets here before 3 AM.

Dumbass.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

http://goo.gl/oxX2L

30 Women Riot Over Facebook Comment to Dumbass's Husband!

The internet is a powerful machine. Facebook is a powerful cog in this powerful machine.

Generally speaking, Facebook is a great way to, like I do, stay in touch with friends and family or to reconnect with people you haven't seen or heard from in many moons (a little Injun Lingo there). The social network is also a great source of comedic, if felonious, material. I should know. I have an FB account and it gets weird enough there, but the stories I come across when doing research for stuff to write about on this blog are, to say the least, fucking outrageous.

Social Media Stoopididity

Some examples of Facebook Dumbassery that we've covered on Dumbass News include the story of a guy who stole some Christmas stuff then posted the details of his theft on his Facebook page! Another time a Florida couple got into a disagreement over a Facebook comment that landed them both in the slammer! Then in a touching Moment of Muslim Social Media Madness, a raghead somewhere named his newborn daughter "Facebook"! Allah will not be pleased.

But wait! There's more!

Facebook Comment Incites 30 Woman Riot!


A good cat fight between two Dumbasses of the female persuasion is a man's dream, even if it's over something posted on FB.

This brawl then must be a man's wet dream. Not only does it involve females at war over some stoopid shit placed on a Facebook page, it evolves into a full out free for all with over thirty bitches erupting into a full scale armed conflict, the likes of which have not been seen since the Beatles appeared at Shea Stadium in NYC in the mid 60s.


From the HuffPuffSnuffIsEnuffPost

"More than 30 women gathered for a large street fight in Sacramento on Sunday afternoon, reportedly over a Facebook post.
According to Sacramento Police Department Officer Michele Gigante, the fight reportedly began when a woman saw what she interpreted as a suggestive post on her husband's Facebook account from another woman.
"The incident is still under investigation," said Gigante to The Huffington Post. "But it looks like the women then met for a fight, along with their friends or other people involved."
By the time police arrived, the fight had already dispersed. But witnesses reported seeing at least 30 women using baseball bats, bottles, rocks and other weapons.
According to CBS, one woman reportedly broke a candleholder from a nearby memorial and used it as a weapon. At least two people were hospitalized.
"Two people really sustained major injuries," said Sacramento Police Sgt. Andrew Pettit to CBS. "Those two people were reportedly hit with bats and they went to the hospital requiring stitches."
CBSLocal in NutSackTown reported that after the melee, some of the brawling bitches went into a nearby convenience store for cold drinks! A couple of foatys (Hood Rat talk meaning 40s), no doubt.
On the Other Hand
What if this Clash of the Titans and Louisville Sluggers had involved a man's comment to a woman other than his wife? Mayhem, massive bloodshed and a gazebo-removing frenzy would have ensued with gazebos rolling like Homeless Marbles down the streets of NutSackramento. 
Then the women would have jumped in and the REAL horror would have begun.
I shudder at the thought. 
Dumbasses.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Here's Cheez-Its in Your Eye! Assault by Snack Crackers

No More Earth Day Concerts Ever!
During moments of temporary insanity or as we call it here on Dumbass News, dumbassery, people are inclined to do some pretty damn stoopid stuff, including assault. Assault with, shall we say unusual objects. We have covered many such incidents on these pages and each new one seems to be more bizarre than the one before it.

A few examples of Dumbasses Gone Wild (soon to be on DVD!) I have brought to the attention of Dumbasses around the world range from the lady who attacked a cop with a sex toy to the story of a one legged man assaulted by a Dumbass with a cucumber salad. I ain't makin' this shit up.

I ain't makin' the following shit up either.

Snack Attack

By "snack attack" I don't mean some dumbass smoked a fatty and went for the Cheetos like a pit bull on a t-bone. I mean he actually committed assault with a snack food! Cheez-Its to be precise.

Andy Gatz, the Dumbass Du Jour in Palm Bay, Florida, got quite upset with his wife. Why was Andy so pissed off at his beloved? She had the unmitigated gall to attend a concert celebrating Earth Day! While I think Earth Day is a Liberal Pussy Steaming Pile ©, getting so bent over such a stoopid thing is a bit over the line. Even for a Dumbass.

Good old Andy was so livid that he picked up a box of Cheez-Its and threw them at his spouse hitting her in the eye! Not only did the Cheez-Its smack the woman in the peeper, a small piece of one of the snack crackers lodged in her eye causing some sort of injury.

The lady was treated at a local Emergency Room and released.

This Ain't the First Time

Cheez-Its are a popular tool of the trade with Dumbass Criminals in Florida. Just last year in Jacksonville, a burglar who had busted into a Jax home was so proud of himself that he actually took a photo of himself holding a box of Cheez-Its signed by then Head Coach of the NFL Jacksonville Jaguars, Jack Del Rio, during the commission of his crime! He is now a Prison Bitch. Andy, too, will soon be a favorite "snack food" of Bruce "The Horse" Fenwick. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

My advice to Andy is that the next time he gets infuriated enough to go Nolan Ryan on his wife, heave something original at the poor chick. Something that will do some serious damage. Like a can of Campbell Soup.

Nacho Cheese flavor of course. It makes a nice lube for future "Share Your Snack Time" at  the Florida Department of Corrections' I Take It Up the Velveeta Boulevard Unit.

Dumbass.




Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Credit Card Theft Is a Gateway Crime to Smoking!

WARNING from Dumbass General: Cigs Can Lead to Long Term Prison Bitchery
It's very difficult to get a majority of people to agree on any given subject. Can we agree on that? OK. There is one thing, however, on which a vast majority of any given 100 Americans at any given time will rally together. Smoking.

Whether you smoke or not, we all know that inhaling or chewing tobacco products is not a healthy thing. I am not preaching here as I have been on both sides of the smoking issue. I smoked for a number of years, quit cold turkey and after twelve years of being smoke-free, my Dad up and died on me in 2004 and for some real stoopid reason I started smoking again. I have yet to stop putting daily nails in my own coffin.

Regardless of the health risks associated with smoking, some people who smoke run into trouble in ways not dealing with a medical condition. That is, unless and until being a Dumbass becomes an accepted "disorder" in the medical community.

Let me splain.


That State Up North

In a place that Ohioans call "That state up north", meaning Michigan, is a town of about 15,000 named Traverse City. TC is known for, believe it or not, growing grapes and producing wine. Wine? Made in Meechagan? I never saw that coming. What kind of wine do they make there? MD 20/20, The Mad Dog?

I don't know what the deal is with wine in Traverse City, but I do know that they produce some of the best Dumbasses in the country.

Like the guy who a couple of weeks ago stole a credit card from a local woman. The thief is  at this point running wild in Traverse City with pilfered platinum plastic, charging up large quantities of the Mad Dog and filling up his car with gasoline when he needed a cigarette. Problem was, he had none. He stopped at a 7-11 type store to buy, meaning charge, some butts where Kevin Gay was filling up his automobile with enviro-weenie friendly ethanol. Kevin recognized the credit card thief from a security camera tape where the idiot had previously used the stolen card. Oh! Did I mention that Kevin Gay is a Detective in the TCPD? Yup, he is.

Thus ends the Great Credit Card Caper of 2012 in Traverse City, Michigan. Crook busted, jailed and now preparing for a bright future in Prison Bitchery.

Moral to the Story 

If there is one thing to take away from this story, it's that if you are a credit card thief, DO NOT SMOKE! Or conversely, if you smoke, DO NOT STEAL CREDIT CARDS! Taking things a step further, if you are a smoking credit card thief, buy your cancer sticks somewhere away from where you stole the damn card! Do I have to spell all this out for you Mad Dog-addicted thieves in Meechagan, or is this just an affliction of moronity unique to Traverse City?

I thought that the Dumbasses in Meechagan would be more of the Wolverine kind of guys, on a crime spree to spread terror and anguish amongst the local citizenry. Then, out of the wild blue, I find out that they are more of a gopher, like in Minny-soda.


New Meechagan State Motto: "At Least We Ain't Minny-soda. But Our Dumbasses Are Big Pussies Just Like Theirs"

Disappointment abounds.

Dumbasses.







Monday, April 23, 2012

Dumbasses Mine Gold Nuggets from Dog Poop! Now w/ a Willie Nelson Story Update!

Takin' Shit & Gettin' Paid
Today is one of those days, Folks. 

I am feeling pretty rough. Allow me to relate a story Willie Nelson once told me as we were getting blasted while I interviewed him. I shall regale you with the Reader's Digest Version.

Willie's first love is music. Everything else comes in second place. Period. Now this kind of outlook can put a great deal of strain on a marriage, especially when one is married to Willie Peter Nelson.

Anyway, Willie told me that on this particular night (now early the next morning), he was out playing poker or some shit and he came home commode huggin' drunk. His wife was kind enough to let Willie get in bed and crash into an alcoholic coma (as it were) for a little shut eye.

Needless to say the then-Mrs. Nelson was not especially happy about Willie's behavior at the time, so, God bless her, she did what any Texas woman with a drunk, philandering husbandwould do. She sewed him up in the bed sheet! Oh, wait, this gets a lot better, Dumbasses. Mrs. Willie then proceeded to find the nearest broom. Educational Note for Young People: Broom handles were made of wood back then. The same kind of wood Roy Hobbs used for his baseball bat in "The Natural". Hard, As, A. Rock

Batting Practice
So here's an extremely inebriated Willie Nelson sewn up in a bed sheet about to experience something that few men in History have lived through. A pissed off wife who sewed you into said bed sheet with a cement hard broom handle about to go Babe Ruth on your drunk ass. Simply put, Mrs. Willie beat the living dog shit out of the Red Headed Stranger at this, for Willie, most inopportune time. Babe Ruth hit 714 career home runs during his playing days. Mrs. Willie Nelson hit nearly 900, so it seemed to Willie, in just a few minutes.

That's how I feel today - like Mrs. Willie Nelson went Mickey Mantle on my skull.

Therefore, today I will re-post a story that is still getting quite a bit of attention from Dumbasses around the world. It's story of getting rich from dog shit.

You'll thank me later.

Dumbass.

Best of Dumbass News

OK, I admit it. The thought of this blog going down the toilet has crossed my mind from time to time. What seems like easy work to many people can be a very demanding task to those of us who are stoopid enough to write something that is hopefully clever and informative on a regular basis.

Alas, Dumbass News has gone to shit. Dog shit to be precise.

Let me drop the deuce on you. Metaphorically speaking of course.


Speaking of Tough Jobs

As taxing as it can be to come up with a good post every day, there are some jobs that make this one look like a walk in the park. The Doggie Park. Full of doggie doo doo. Bowser bombs. Poodle poop. Shih tzu shits.

I never really thought about it, I guess because I am not a pet owner, but all the Dog Parks and back yards in the country have got to be cleaned up every once in a while. Think about it. There are 78.2 million dogs in the United States and every last one of them has to make a doo doo at least a couple of times a day. That's a mess (ha ha) of canine crap. 30,000 tons a day or 10 million tons a year to be exact. Put another way, that's enough dog shit to fill up 3800 miles (267,500 big rigs) of fully loaded tractor-trailers ( lined up bumper to bumper from Boston to Seattle.

My Dad, a trucker for over forty years, is rolling over in his grave at the idea of hauling terrier turds from coast to coast.

Sorry, Dad.

There's Dough in That Thar Dog Dookey!

As I read the source article for this stinker of a post, I got to wondering, what kind of Dumbass would actually have a job removing dog shit from parks and yards all over the USA?

Very smart Dumbasses, that's what kind. These guys make a shit load of money.

All the information that I have given you today comes from a bidness named, I am not making this up, Doody Calls.  Other than the obvious pratfalls of cleaning up after Rover takes a healthy squat, Doody Calls provides a very valuable service to not only their clients, but to the rest of us as well. If not properly disposed of, poochy plops can leave behind germs and bacteria that cause heartworms, parvovirus, salmonella and e.coli! No shit.

I couldn't end this screed without relaying to you SOME "Fun Facts" about greyhound grunt. Shamelessly stolen from the Doody Calls web site are these little nuggets:
  • DoodyCalls scoops over 3 million poops a year!
  • Over 8,000 dogs are happy DoodyCalls customers!
  • We are the FIRST pet waste removal franchise in the WORLD! (ed.-I believe that!) 
  • How many scooped poops does it take to make it to the top of Mount Everest and back? 400,000! 

Not an Endorsement

I am not plugging the Doggie Doo Doo Guys for any other reason than they are knuckleheads who have taken a dirty job and turned it into a money-making enterprise that is good for them and the communities they serve. I will, however, urge you to read their web page  and see what all they have to say. It's really good shit.

Doody Calls. 

Dumbasses.

UPDATE:

From the Most Loyal Dumbass, Beef Blogonoff, I present to you poop tarts!

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Dumbasses

Best of Dumbass News - The Sabbath Edition

Redneck Bottle Rocket
What is a Redneck? A Redneck is a hard-working harder livin', God-fearing, take no shit and will kill a sonuvabitch that presents a clear and present danger to him or his family kind of a man. A Redneck is a man who will help his neighbor because it's the right thing to do, not because some Yankee Liberal dickweed from the Gubmint forced him to do so.  Rednecks love music and often have a little band that plays places like the VFW on weekends. He loves Lynyrd Skynyrd, Hank Williams, Jr, Willie and Waylon and George Jones. Regardless of what some guy whose closest encounter with the South is bucket of chicken from the Colonel, not all Rednecks are stoopid. Or dumbasses. The great majority of us are pretty good people. That's the short version of what a Redneck is. I am a Redneck. I am proud to be a Redneck and anybody that doesn't like Rednecks can kiss my Redneck ass. Now we can get to today's story. Provided of course that you didn't kiss my ass and split the scene.  :)

However, Some Rednecks ARE Stoopid 

There are dumbasses in every segment and ethnicity of the American people. I am sad to say it, but that includes Rednecks. But a Dumbass Redneck is a higher quality of Redneck than any segment of the other Dumbasses in our society. It's in the Bible, I think. Look under St. Jim Bob, Ch1, Vs1. Rednecks like Mark Wach of Palm City, Florida are the kinds of Rednecks that give the rest of us a bad name. Why?

Why 

Mark was, as we Rednecks say, drunk. In his state of intoxication, Mark was having a nice, normal bit of Redneck Fun by blasting away with his firearms. Shooting a gun while drunk is against all that a normal Redneck believes in, therefore Mark is in serious danger of losing his Redneck Card and being forced to un-learn the Top Secret Redneck Handshake. If he can't un-learn it, then we'll just kill him. Anyway...Mark was firing off a few rounds on his property when he and his son got into an altercation. The son was all out of whack not simply because Mark was shooting his guns, the son was pissed because Mark was shooting the son's lawn mower which was in the son's yard. Where I'm from, we call this Wednesday. As usual, the cops showed up and spoiled the fun. Mark was quick to point out to the fuzz that "this is what Redneck people do." This is true. But 99% of the time, we did stuff like this before we got bombed. After we got lit up real good, we would move on to much safer Redneck activities. Stuff like playing horse shoes. With the horse shoes still on the horse! Those were mighty good times. Except for the horses.

Why, Mark? 

I do not endorse or condone using a firearm while drunk. That is completely unacceptable at any time. Aside from that minor detail, Mark and his son, I think his name is Bobby Bob, were doing nothing more than having a good old Redneck Hootnanny. However, Mark did some stoopid shit and it gives all Rednecks a bad name.

Here's some brother to brother, man to man, Redneck to Redneck advice: next time you want to get to' down, put the weapons away! Play horse shoes. But make sure the horse is cool with it first. Trust me on this one.

Dumbass.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Meskin Midget Bullfighters & Negroes!

The story you are about to get nauseated over has been one of the most read posts of 2012. The reasons for its popularity are twofold. It has midgets and Negroes in it. Little People and Bruthahs have long been amongst the most well-received subjects I have written about over the last almost two years on Dumbass News. Why? Midget stories always lure in unsuspecting Dumbasses because, well, they are midget stories! Negro stories on the other hand give the Liberals who are looking for something to whine about something to whine about! Posts that contain the word "negro" allow Liberal Pussies an opportunity to project their own form of raaaaacism (always 5 "a"s in "raaaaacist" or "raaaaacism. It's a Liberal Pussy Rule) onto someone else - namely me. They (Liberal Pussies) think that because I use "negro" in a story and am from Texas makes me a bigot and that's the furthest thing from the truth. I love Negroes. Except for gangbangers and Negro Homos. I have several real good friends who are of the African persuasion - the butler, the yard man and my very own Negro who BBQs for me. And Liberal Pussies call me a raaaaacist. Geez. 

Dumbasses.

Midgets & Negroes

Toro!  ****
Oh boy! One of my favorite, and one of the most popular, subjects on this blog is midgets. I have absolutely nothing at all against midgets. Hell, I am only 5'4" myself. That ain't exactly Andre the Giant territory. It's just that so many people, many of them midgets themselves, get so fucking bent when a midget goes against what they (the bent people) think is "proper" behavior for a "little person". A shitload of midgets get pissed off as well.

A Little Bull

The latest thing to put a knot in the panties of a bunch of sissy do-gooders is Midget Bullfighting. You got it. Little People doing the cucaracha with bulls. Baby bulls of course. And this pisses off so many pussies why? Why is it that midgets have to all be exactly the same following the same rules or living the same lifestyle? I don't get it. The Little People doing the bullfighting surely know what they are getting into. Or are they, as the Pissed Off Pussies seem to insinuate, too stoopid to make their own decisions? I go with the Bullfighting Midgets on this one. They are playing the hand that they've been dealt and making some cheese (that's money for those of you in New Jersey) also. Do these same protesters think less of Meskins or Spaniards for bullfighting? Or are they expected to bend tacos and make sangria simply because of some pre-conceived idea of what Meskins and Spaniards are "expected" to do? I can't remember his name, but did you know that the richest man in the world is a Meskin? I guess he bent a shit load of tacos to get there. Oh, did I mention that dwarf bullfighting is very popular in Mexico? I wonder if the Rich Meskin Guy has a stake in it?

Hypocrites

This is what all these Liberals and Pissed Off Pussies do. They complain and bitch and moan that white guys, particularly Southern White Guys, placed people in categories because of their skin color, ethnicity or some other stoopid shit. Some do. But the vast majority of these rednecks would be happy to have a midget over for dinner. Why hell, they'd even let the midget sit at the grown up table. You'd be surprised to learn that 99% of these same "bigots" would actually have supper with Negroes! Yes, Negroes! Of course the Negroes would have to sit at the back of the dining room, but at least they eat fairly close to the Southern White Guys. What more do you expect from raaaaacists and bigots? BTW, raaaaacist always has five "a"s in it.

My point is that while all the Pissed Off Pussies and Liberals, but I repeat myself, are supposedly the people who think that all men are equal, but they are the ones constantly grouping people by race, religion, midgetry, etc. I say fuck the Pissed Off Pussies and their ilk. They are a bunch of hypocritical assholes who need to get laid. Or summarily shot at sun up. I am only kidding. They don't need to get laid. They might reproduce and we can't have that. Just shoot 'em.

Or make 'em have a Negro over for supper. NO! Not as the main course! As a guest, dickweed!

The Pissed Off Pussies and other Liberal Asswipes should be looking up to midget bullfighters. But then they'd (the POP) would have to be bigger men to do it. And the only bull they know is the bullshit they are so full of.

Dumbasses.

Hat tip to The Dumbass Wife

***Photo from Getty via HuffPo***

Friday, April 20, 2012

Dumbass Cyber Crime Solved by Photo of Boobage! (A Half a World Away!)

Have You Seen These Hooters?
Certain subject matter draws readers to this blog like a candy store brings in fat kids. If you were to go to the "Dumbass Search" feature located in the left side bar and typed in nekkid, tattoos or boobs, you would come up with the most popular posts this blog has put forth. I have written some outstanding articles dealing with other material, but nekkid, tattoos and boobs are hands down the favorite topics of the Dumbass Horde. I am all for nekkididity and sweater puppies, but tattoos, not so much. Hit up those three links and you'll see exactly what kind of perverted Dumbasses I get reading my award-worthy filth. You can thank me later.

I am all for nekkididity and sweater puppies, but tattoos, not so much. So for today, boobs it is!

Positive I.D.

Usually when a crime is committed, the bad guy leaves behind some tell tale piece of evidence that leads directly to his identification. You know what I mean...a finger print for example. Some Dumbasses have even left behind their driver's license at the scene of the dirty deed.

When a crime is committed in cyber space, stuff like an IP address will lead straight to the culprit. That is not always the case, however.

Allow me to elucidate. For those of you in Washington,DC, that means "let me splain".

The Hacker

Down on the Sinkin' Sandbar that is Galveston, Texas, is a Meskin Dumbass named Higinio Ochoa. Evidently, Higgy is pretty sharp when it comes to hacking into highly sensitive data bases like those of law enforcement agencies and he did just that to some cop shops Down Under. The Aussie Fuzz was not amused.

After much highly technical cyber sleuthing trying to locate the asswipe that compromised their not for public consumption data, the Australian authorities found their cyber way to an offshoot group of computer hackers affiliated with internet meanies "Anonymous". this is where Ochoa come and a pair of knockers come in to play.

The Boobs Tell All

As much as I don't like doing it, I must reproduce a goodly portion of the source article for this post that I found on c|net.com.

"Ochoa allegedly used a Twitter account to direct people to a Web site when all the law enforcement information he'd supposedly hacked was on display.
Also on display was a picture of a woman, her breasts lowering themselves tantalizingly toward the camera, with a sign beneath them reading: "''PwNd by w0rmer & CabinCr3w <3 u BiTch's''.
Now CabinCr3w is the apparent name of an Anonymous offshoot. And the "w0rmer" part? Well, the Twitter account linking people to the site was @AnonW0rmer.
However, the photograph of the breasts apparently linked authorities to Ochoa -- because, taken with an iPhone, it contained GPS information. The information allegedly suggested she lived in Melbourne, Australia.
Further burrowing led the police to discover a posting on Ochoa's Facebook page that allegedly revealed his girlfriend was Australian.
The claim is that police have managed to match pictures of her that Ochoa allegedly posted on Facebook to the breast image."  


Amazing.

Astonished

I have heard of suspects being linked to crimes through DNA taken from cigarette butts, clues obtained from their curb side garbage and even tattoos. But I can say with 100% certainty, that, although I have seen several pair of nice, cuddly sweater puppies, I have never been able to identify a set of heat seeking missiles with nothing more than a cell phone camera photograph.

I am shocked and awed by the industriousness of the Australian cops in finding an exact match of the hooters in question on a small island in the Gulf of Mexico, a half world away. These guys are my new heroes.

I salute you.

As for Ochoa the Hacker, next time take a picture of your girlfriend's pelvic area tattoo. If you've seen one muffin tattoo, you've seen 'em all. Unless the muffin is being chased down by the Wizards of Oz.

Dumbass.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Nekkididity, Dead Guy Dots the "I" and Mice-a-Roni!

Best of Dumbass News!

Mice-a-Roni
'Tis the Sabbath and it's gonna be a busy one here at the Dumbass Dome. Believe it or not, I am gonna do some gardening, indoors of course. For new readers, I live in Maine therefore November is not the best time to grow shit. Being the mule headed sumbitch I am, I like to try to do shit under adverse conditions just to see if I can make it work. I will make it work. Hence, gardening in November in Maine. I will prolly plant some cool weather stuff like lettuce. I would try to grow some warm weather crops, but my wife is a native Mainer and likes the house kept colder than a well digger's ass in January. Adios good stuff like tomatoes and peppers until spring time. Asi es la vida.

Here is some stuff that doesn't require heat, but it is loaded with fertilizer bullshit.
  • College Golf Team Poses for Nekkid Calendar - These dumbasses posed nekkid for the calendar, but they hid their gazebos with golf clubs. It's funny stuff, so it's worth the read just to see how many golfing metaphors I can use in lieu of cuss words.
  • Dead Guy Dots the Eye - This is a rather timely story, it being football season and all. This is the tale of a dead guy that pays his last respects to the Ohio State University by dotting the "i". Read it to see what I mean.
  • Mice-a-Roni! - Thank God this story wasn't about Hamburger Helper. 
That's a pretty good lineup for perusal during beer commercials for the NFL games being broadcast today, especially the "Dead Guy "I" dotter.

Here's something that I should do every day, but I am a Dumbass and for whatever reason(s),  just forget to do it. In the side bar to the right you'll find several buttons where you can follow me on several social media sites. Please do so! Don't forget that I am a 55 year old guy who has 9 and 4 year old daughters who need something new, like shoes, clothes and all that shit, every 10 minutes. Well...it seems like every 10 minutes. And Christmas isn't that far away. Having said that, also in right sidebar you'll see a "Donate" button. I know times are tough for so many dumbasses worried about their own families, but if you can donate a dollar or two (any amount is welcome), it would make a Middle Aged Dumbass very happy and grateful. I guess I could use the direct approach to this donation thing as well. Hit the fucking tip jar, Dumbass!  :)

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

73 Year Old Granny Saves Nest Egg...By Selling Pot!

Retirement Planner
Many cultists in members of the Dumbass Horde, myself included, have reached a point in life where our Sunset Years are not that many sunsets away.

I, personally, am very close to needing to turn on the porch light in order to see through the dusk. My constant companion, Artur Itis, has, however, been kind enough to supply me with one of those curly-q CFL porch lights. How magnanimous of him.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am looking for something, someone to give me hope and inspiration as I transition from Middle Aged Curmudgeon to Full Blown Old Fart. I am ecstatic to tell you, my Beloved Dumbass Horde, that I have found my Seasoned Citizen Guru in, of all places, Oklahoma.

Darlene Mayes, Granny Role Model

Darlene is special. At age 73 she is an entrepreneur who has struck it rich in her chosen endeavor. Her business encompasses several states including Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, and Kansas. As a matter of fact, Granny's bidness supplies a full forty per cent of her product to this region.

Unfortunately, Darlene's bidness ran into a major roadblock recently and was forced to unexpectedly shut down. Tax problems? Nope. The bad economy? Her product is basically recession-proof, so that ain't the deal. The culprit in bringing Darlene's to a screeching halt was the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics!

Let me splain.

The Herb Superb

You see, Granny Mayes' wasn't selling hand knitted quilts or Afghans or even crocheted doilies for Chrissake. She was selling POT! Latin Lettuce! Mari-fucking-juana! She was what the law enforcement community calls a Drug Kingpin. I. Shit. You. Not. This sweet, innocent looking Little Old Lady was responsible for selling millions of dollars and thousands of pounds of weed in at least four states!
  

When Darlene and her "bidness associates" were busted by the Law, she was in possession of four pounds of pot, a semi-auto pistol and a revolver. Not to mention $276,000 in cash! one her her pot dealers was her son who was popped with several thousand dollars in cash and two LBs (pounds) of potential Manually Assembled Relaxation Devices (joints, fatties, Meskin Marlboros, etc.).

According to the HuffHuffPassPass Post, when the heat went into Darlene's house "cops found the supply in her bedroom, which reeked of weed. A vacuum-sealed bag full of the stuff was found in the closet, and bundles of bills labeled "$15,000" were found under her box spring. They found a pipe and another bag of weed in the bathroom, and a total of $200,000 in more vacuum-sealed bags in a guest room where Mayes' grandchildren reportedly slept."

Darlene feigned surprise and reportedly told the Narcs that all the cheese (cash, for those of you in Kansas) they discovered in her house was "for my retirement". Now that, Dumbasses and Dumbassettes is what is called planning for the future. Except for one thing. All that money was confiscated and remanded to the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics Donuts for a Rainy Day Fund, so Darlene won't see one red cent of it.

She will, however, see the Sun set on her Sunset Years from a lovely cell in a Federal Penitentiary somewhere in the Midwest.

Wasted...such promise, such bidness acumen, such such...

...a Dumbass.



Monday, April 16, 2012

Dumbass Drops the Deuce on the Interstate!

Shit for Brains
I like to travel. I love seeing the "purple mountains' majesty" "from sea to shining sea" of this land of ours. God has truly "shed His Grace on thee."

I do all my running around the USA by car. I like to see stuff, to soak in and appreciate the Natural Wonders surrounding me. Traveling by automobile does have some drawbacks, however. Time spent getting from place to place being one of them. But that's not really too bad as you can always take in the scenery just outside your car window. Finding a decent place to eat is a little more difficult and coming across a clean toilet is the cruelest Travel demon of all.

When Nature calls, men can, if it's an emergency, simply pull off to the side of the road, scamper off into the nearby woods and take care of business. Women? Not so much.

For instance...

When Ya Gotta Go, Ya Gotta Go

I must admit that when seeing the country by car, there are times when you gotta take a potty break and there's no toilet in sight. This can present quite a dilemma. While your bowels are doing the Flamenco Dance, do you try to hold on for a little while or do you just pull over and take a healthy dump or perhaps, get ready to shed your nasty ass drawers at the next truck stop? This is not an easy decision to make, although the decision sometimes makes itself, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Melissa Mansfield was faced with such a quandry while traveling one of the busiest highways in the state of Florida. She chose to pull over and leave her calling card right on the side of the Interstate! Things then went from bad to worse for Melissa.


Almost There

During the Poop Process, Melissa the Doo Doo Dumbass, was spotted doing her thing by, you guessed it (!), a Florida State Trooper! The next phase of the Bad to Worse transition was a bout to take place.

When asked by the Fuzz for ID, the Dumbass Doo Doo Queen had none. Strike two.

Did I mention that she was driving a stolen car also? She was. Strike two and a half.

The piece resistance is that had Melissa waited for another five minutes before taking a shit on the side of the Interstate, she would have come upon a Rest Area with public toilets. As Maxwell Smart would say, "Missed it by that much!"

Wiped Out 

Our friend Melissa will now spend the next several years of her young life as a resident of State Facilities courtesy of a jury of twelve of her peers (pee pun intended) where she'll be too pooped to drop the deuce. She'll will, however, enjoy many hours of broom handle riding with her new friend, Peggy the "O'Cedar Makes My Life Easier" Finkelstein.

In other words, Melissa the Doo Doo Dipshit is about to learn what "squeezing the Charmin" is all about.

Dumbass.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Another Friday the 13th!

Today is the second of three (I think) Fridays the 13th in 2012. A few months ago I did some looking into what makes Friday the 13th so intriguing. here's what I discovered: NOTHING! Just kiddin'. Take a look:


It's Friday! To be more precise, it's Friday the 13th! I know many of you Dumbasses personally so it doesn't surprise me that several of you suffer from "paraskevidekatriaphobia". That's a medical term that means "I am a Dumbass Who Believes in Illogical Stoopidstitions That Have No Foundation in Science or Reality, But I am a Dumbass So Science and Reality Mean Absolutely Nothing to Me". I know a few of you that are afraid of work! And clowns. BTW, the fear of clowns is "coulrophobia". Fear of the number "13" is known as "triskadekaphobia". I ain't really scared of much except heights (I hate heights! I'd be really neurotic if I was 6'6"), so Friday the 13th is just another day to me. But I digress.



Origins of Paraskevidekaphobia

While looking for ways to steal shit from another blog information for this story, I used my Super Dumbass Google Fu Powers and came across a site that had some pretty good stuff about Friday the 13th, so I'll pilfer use some of his info to enlighten us all.

According to the aforementioned site, guy-sports.com (sports? This guy has a slight misconception about sports, unless torture and execution were the NFL of that era), the Knights Templar contributed heavily to the fear of Friday the 13th. He writes, "The Knights Templar were immensely powerful in the middle ages.  In fact they were probably had more military and financial might than many European countries, yet on a Friday 13th in October 1307 they met their downfall.  The Knights Templar Grand Master Jaques de Molay, together with 50 of his senior knights were tricked into a meeting and captured by King Philip IV of France.  On that Friday 13th thousands of Templars were arrested and tortured. When they confessed to various trumped up charges they were executed.  Since that day, Templars regarded Friday the 13th not only unlucky but evil." Well, hell, that settles that. Side Note: The Knights Templar were tricked and captured by the Fwench? Oh, wait. I forgot that the Fwench actually had balls back then. Carry on.

Other Friday the 13th B.S.

Further plagiarism research reveals several cool facts about this most stoopidstitious of days. The Cape Cod Times has the lowdown, including these little gems that are copied and pasted:

  • Triskaidekaphobes are in for a rough year. Tris (greek for three), deka (greek for 10) and phobe (an individual affected by a certain fear) adds up, according to Urban Dictionary, to people who fear the number 13 or any situation that involves anything in a sequence of 13. Friday is often considered an unlucky day, inspiring advice such as "Never begin sewing a garment on a Friday unless you can finish it the same day." This year, there are three Fridays falling on the 13th. Last year and in 2010, there was only one. But 2009 had three. Note: The other two months with a Friday the 13th this year are April and July. More on this note: The month of July was named for Julius Caesar who just happened to be murdered, like the Knights Templar. Except he wasn't killed by a bunch of pussies from Fwance. That's why Caesar got his own month and the Templars got jack shit. Anybody tricked and killed by the Fwench deserve nothing short of ridicule and derision. And I am a Knights Templar kind of guy. No more. Dammit.
  • Any month that starts on a Sunday will have a Friday the 13th. Do the math. Another note: Since the NFL is played on Sundays including months that begin on a Sunday, is there a connection between the Friday the 13th thing and why so few NFL players wear the number 13? Just askin'.
The Times has eleven more amazing facts about Friday the 13th that will scare the snot out of even the most ardent of skeptics.

I was a non-believer with regard to paraskevidekatriaphobia, but now I am not so sure. If a bunch of bad ass looters, plunderers and killing machines like the Knights Templar can be brought down by the Fwench, I think I am going to have to re-evaluate my position on this matter.

Excuse me while I consult my psychic. And my tarot cards. And grab my lucky rabbit's foot. And.......

Dumbass. To the 13th Degree.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Tits for Tat! Show Your Boobs for Nekkid Maids in Lubbock, Texas!

FiFi
Lubbock, Texas. The Hub City. Located in the Llano Estacado (Staked Plains) of West Texas, Lubbock ain't a bad little city. It's home to Texas Tech University and the Red Raiders. I have been to Lubbock on a few occasions but not in many years. I remember it as a very conservative place where you actually had to leave the city limits to buy a six pack of beer. that may still be true, but Lubbock is a bit less conservative these days than way back then.

Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock made it so.

Nekkid House Cleaning

The idea behind Fantasy Maid Service is for you to hire out a maid from them and she will come to your house to clean it up the way it should be cleaned up. This is a great idea for bachelors who are too busy chasing split tail deer at the bars near the Texas Tech Campus to do a proper house cleaning. especially if Mom & Dad are coming for a visit.

What (lifts and) separates Fantasy from other such business in Lubbock is that the girls from Fantasy will clean your home in various stages of undress right in front of the customer, if of course the client is over 18 years old.

Nekkid Maids Love the Cops & Military Guys! (and Girls, too...maybe)

At this point, I feel it is better for me to copy and paste some information directly and unedited from the Fantasy web site, but the site blocks me from doing so! bwahahahahahahaha

You've got to see this shit to believe it, so I'll give you a quick summary of the pertinent information, then you can click on the link that will follow so you can verify that what I am telling you is 100% true!

The Fantasy strippers maids also work parties pouring drinks and serving "appetizers" to party guests. I'll bet. They heartily recommend two maids to work your party. I would assume that a single maid would get worn out too quickly to provide satisfactory service all night long. Let me stress here that Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock goes out of their way to point out that they are not an adult oriented business. I agree. Who in the world could possibly see a business that provides scantily clad or nekkid young women to clean homes or waitress at parties as an adult oriented venture? Certainly not me. I am all for the public display of boobs of all sizes, shapes and colors at any given time. provided of course that the boobs on public display are at least 18 years of age.

The owners of Fantasy Maids are not just people who rent out nekkid bimbos for house cleaning and parties, they are also community supporters! Why, they even offer a discount to cops, fire fighters and military members and vets! God bless America!

That's a thumbnail sketch of what Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock is all about, but it is only fair that I provide a link to their website and let you see first hand what the hookers girls are expected to and not to do and some other shit. Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock.

Hooter Showing is a Right!

I feel compelled to alert you king hearted Dumbasses to the fact that this has not been all peaches and cream for Fantasy Maid Service. The Lubbock Police Department, at the behest of the Lubbock County District Attorney I would presume, are demanding that Fantasy pony up for a license that designates it as an adult oriented bidness. The owners of the nekkid maid place say they ain't buyin' it because they ain't an adult oriented bidness. The cops retort that no license means a $2000 a day fine for Fantasy Maids! Two. Large. A. Day. The poor employees of Fantasy would have to show a ton of boobage to make up for a two grand a day penalty.

I say to the owners and maids of Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock : Fight back!

Tits for Tat

I have an idea that'll turn this situation into a Public Relations nightmare for the prudes at City Hall and a financial windfall for Fantasy Maids!

Get all the maids at Fantasy and as many Texas Tech coeds and other young female owners of Sweater Puppies to go to the very steps of Lubbock City Hall and show them your knockers! If dozens of pairs of supple breasts are on prominent display right in Downtown Lubbock, imagine the media coverage to be had! imagine all the curious (and horny) young men of the Hub City that would show up in support (pun intended) of Fantasy Maid Service and demand that the City back off and harass some other local bidness persons! or minorities. Or wetbacks.

I would also urge that some enterprising Lubbobkidian get properly permitted by the powers that be in town and set up a refreshment stand! Hamburgers, hot dogs, french fries, burritos! Beer! Soda! make it a fucking party that the City of Lubbock will NEVER forget!

Be sure to take along your video cam and shoot as much footage as possible for posting on YouTube. As the brains behind this revolutionary concept, I get first shot at any and all video and/or photos taken at this event! 


You should alert  any and all media (TV, Radio, Newspapers,Blogs) well ahead of time in order to get maximum exposure! (pun intended again)

It's Now in Your Hands, Lubbock!

I have given you a starting point in which to rally around the good titties people of Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock and fight the dickweeds that want to suppress boobies everywhere. I fully expect that you will keep me up to date on how things go during the Tits for Tat Protest and Exravaganza. I can be reached at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com.

Do your part, Lubbock! Show the world that your Sweater Puppies will not be impounded!

Make the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde proud!

Long live tits!

And Dumbasses!

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