If you've ever been the parent of a child who goes to school, you, more than anyone else, know that kids occasionally get sick and have to miss a day of the Three Rs only to become the Fourth R, Rotten! But Rotten is another story for another day. When kids are too ill to attend school for a day, it's school policy that the parents of said sick child, upon her return to school, issue a note from Mom or Dad explaining Little Susie's absence. Fair enough. However! Upon reading the "my kid missed school because,,," notes, teachers have to wonder how the hell did Mom or Dad make it through school! Or if they even went to school.
Let me splain.
Some of the "excuse letters" that parents write explaining a kid's absence from school are sicker than whatever kept the kid home in the first place. And by "sick", I mean "stupid". Weeeellll, "stupid" may not be the right word to use here, but the phrase "dumber than a box of hammers" is pretty accurate.
If you send your child to a public school, withdraw him immediately! If you do not take prompt action today, it may be too late for your kid! I. Ain't. Kiddin'. Once you read some of the notes I have been talking about, you'll quickly realize that the tax dollars, YOUR tax dollars, used to fund public education might as well be spent buying Chevy Volts. Schools and Volts are both gubmint projects and neither of them has proven to be anything but disastrous, expensive and failures. I'm just sayin'. Having a hard time swallowing that? Then chew on this shit.
OK, you asked for it and I am happy to oblige. Here are a few of the stupidest, most English-challenged pieces of work you have ever seen in your life. And that's just the Parents! The excuse notes are even more jacked up.
The following "excuse my kid from missing school" notes will be presented exactly as they were written at the time. I will not change a thing about them. BTW, thanks to ozzu.com for the excuse notes.
Behold the work of America's parents:
- 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
- 2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
- 3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
- 4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
- 5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
- 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
- 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
- 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
- 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
- 10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
- 11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the *plum*.[words in "( )'s" were crossed out.]
- 12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
- 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
- 15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
- 16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
- 17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
- 18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
- 19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
- 20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
- 21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
- 22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
- 23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
- 24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
|Lern to Spel!|
If it seems that I am ragging on a boatload of parents, it's because I am! My advice to these Moms and Dads is to learn your own damn language - English! I understand that mistakes will be made when writing a note to school, a resume or even a or blog. Hell, I'm sure someone with much more command of the English language and the grammar thereof could go back through what I've written in the last few minutes and tear me a new one because of various errors. I can live with that. English is a tough language to get a hold of in many ways. Ask any immigrant or student new to English. Hell, ask an American the same things and see what you get?! And it's our native tongue!
My problem lies with what appears to me to be a lack of effort in coming anywhere near the proper use of spoken and written English. Did these goofballs just not pay attention at school? Did they even GO to school? Who is to be held accountable? Lazy students? Dumbass parents? Crummy teachers? The city school board who think throwing more money at a problem is the solution instead of addressing the problem head on? The State Edjumacation morons? How about the Feds? In a word: Yes times five. But each of the aforementioned groups bears blame in different "quantities".
And the blame goes to....(in no particular order):
- 1) The Students - In the end, it's the kids' who are the ones who suffer, but it is they who've got to put their collective noses to the grindstone. It's not a very complicated thing, really. Go to school every day. Get there on time. Listen/Read/Write/Learn/Ask Questions/Study. Simple, huh? Oh! One more thing. When you are too sick to go to school and the time comes to go back, WRITE YOUR OWN NOTE AND HAVE YOUR PARENTS READ IT THEN SIGN IT! Whatever you do, for God's sake, DO NOT let your folks scribble a word!
- 2) Parents - Let me put it this way: Would you wants the parents who wrote those excuse notes to help YOUR kids with their homework? Enough said
- 3) Crummy Teachers - This is not a cheap shot at ALL public school teachers. Over the last 50 years I have known and been a student of many outstanding p. s . teachers. They taught for all the right reasons, chief among a love of kids and a desire to pass on valuable knowledge that will ultimately be crucial at some point in life. In this group of great teachers I include the current/past teachers my little girls have/have had in their brief academic endeavors. These teachers are a priceless commodity to not only our children, but to the country as well. Well educated young people are the best hope for the future of our Representative Republic. That doesn't necessarily mean that everyone has to go to an Ivy League Bastion of Liberalism either. Trade schools and, in many instances, online "schools" provide superb curricula and very good instructors. My point here is to reward the teachers who achieve success with their students and dump the crummy ones like an Iranian Mullah drops a pork chop. Easier said than done? Sure, but when has ANY challenge been too much for the United States of America to overcome? Let's start with the young folks by giving their teachers the tools needed to educate our children. And more money ain't always the right solution to a major problem.
- 4) City School Boards - See Number 3, Crummy teachers. I could add a lot more stuff here, but it would take a week to type it all out. But good ole Number 3 up there is a great place to start. Simply substitute the word "school board member/administrator for the word "teacher" and you won't be wrong.
- 5) State Dept. of Education - Again I refer to Number 3. For "teacher" use "bureaucrat", "professional public servant" (that's not a good thing) or "dumbass". They are all interchangeable.
And learn English!