Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: September 2012 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Dumbass Gets Awakened, Assaults Neighbor

What are you like when you wake up? Or better yet, what are you like when you get woke up?

Me?

If I am allowed to sleep until I am ready (or need to) get up, I am generally not too hard to get along with. But wake me up, especially for something that I think is silly, and look out! I am a 5'4", 140 pound grizzly bear. Well, I would be if grizzly bears were 5'4", 140.

My point is that some of us wake up and hit the floor running with a smile on our faces, while others of us ain't so pleasant to be around upon awakening.

Our Dumbass of the Day fits into the latter category.

Sawin' Logs...ZZZZZZZZZZ

Justin Michael Byars got arrested for waking up in a lousy mood the other day. Really. He did.

Justin was sleeping when a neighbor came by and knocked on his door, thus waking him up. Justin was not amused. Later that day Justin, after stewing over the situation for a while, went to the neighbor's house, barge him, beat him up and threw him into an aquarium!

While this is a highly effective method of kicking somebody's ass, it is not recommended as a means of getting even just because you got woke up from your beauty sleep. The Newport News, VA PD agrees with me.

Justin got himself thrown in the slammer over the attack.

E.R. Visit

I have never been assaulted and slammed into an aquarium before, but I am fairly certain that there are much better things to be hurled into. Like a mattress, for example.

The victim of Justin's tirade, whose name has not been released, was taken to the emergency room by another friend and he (the victim) received a shit load of stitches for his injuries and then notified The Fuzz.

The guy was lucky that he wasn't more seriously injured.

Wake Me Up Gently

I'm not saying that I would toss someone into an aquarium for waking me up in a manner that I found annoying, but I would not be above shoving an alarm clock up their ass. Waaayyy up their ass. That's just how I roll.

Moral to the Story: Wake 'em up gently. Aquariums are expensive, not to mention sharp as a knife when shattered to smithereens, and alarm clocks are not easily passed through one's anal cavity. At least not when coming back out.

I'm just sayin'.

Dumbass.

The Bank Robber & the Getaway Bus

Best of Dumbass News

I know that no member of this blog has any sort of legal woes in his or her past. After all, you are dumbasses and dumbasses never have run ins with the law. Can you believe that I wrote that with a straight face? Let's say for the sake of argument that you were the mastermind of a planned bank robbery. Assuming that you actually went into the bank, handed the teller a note demanding money and she complied and you haul ass out the door. What's the next logical step in this plan? Yes! Making a clean getaway! Hopefully in a very fast getaway car. Believe it or not, a dumbass crook in Dayton, Ohio pulled off the bank robbery and was making a ... s...l...o...w getaway.

Let me splain.


Getaway Bus
Catching the 3:15

Dumbass bank robber, Lonnie Johnson, is the above-mentioned crook in Dayton. he made the heist, ran outside, went down the street two blocks from the bank and wait...for...it...stood in line to board a bus!!! The bus came Lonnie got on it and he was home free! Not really, I made that home free part up. In the meantime, the cops had arrived at the bank and interviewed some people and some of them witnessed Lonnie board the bus. At this point, the police obtained information on the bus' route and simply followed the route , caught up with the bus and  arrested Lonnie while he was still in his seat. What a dumbass.

Not that I am planning a career change to become a bank robber, but as a public service to any and all bank robbers reading this blog, I feel obligated to point out some flaws in Lonnie's attempted robbery. First of all, if you plan on fleeing on foot for any portion of your getaway, it would be much better if you ran for more than two blocks from the bank. Second, don't stop and wait for a bus! It is a well-known fact that 99% of all the best bank robbers use really fast cars or maybe even motorcycles to effect a successful, at least in the beginning of the getaway process, escape from the authorities. Public transportation is notoriously slow and not on schedule and this will hamper even your best efforts to give the heat the slip, leading to a long period of incarceration at the nearest Federal Prison, maybe even with our man Lonnie.

Dumbass.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Girl Beats Up Dude Who Won't Give Her "Some"

Best of Dumbass News

WARNING! Probably NSFW! Be On The Lookout for the Boss!



Yearning for Freedom...And BOB
Sex. Three little letters with such a profound meaning. Or result. Or consequences. Or something. "Normal" people, and Dumbasses too, need, want and crave sex. Having said that, however, there are limits to which a Dumbass (including for the sake of brevity and my poor typing skillz, henceforth, "normal" people too) wanting to get laid must adhere to. Period. There's another small but powerful word for sexual overtures that are either unwanted or unwelcome. That word is RAPE. Unless you are a sexual deviant, or from Iran, but I digress, rough sex is a no no. End of story. No ifs, ands or unwanted spankings.

99.999999999% of criminal complaints about forced sex have men as the perpetrator. There are, however, some rare cases that involve women as the aggressor in these situations. Yes, I'm looking at you sex-starved hottie school teachers who coerce some lucky 16 year old bastard poor young man into a game of hide the Teenie Weenie with promises of better grades at school and daily blowjobs.

Today's story is one in which the young lady is the horny bimbo going to extreme measures in order to do the Horizontal Hula.

Gettin' Rough

1664.81 miles from my house to Miami in the FLA, is a little hot tamale named Inez Nunez who is your normal, every day 18 year old nymphomaniac. I mean, this girl wanted her boyfriend to lay the chorizo to her in the worst way. Simply put, the bitch was as horny as a two peckered billy goat.

Sadly for Inez, her novio ( little Espanol lingo there meaning boyfriend) was not in the mood to play esconda la salchicha or as we gringos say, hide the weenie. After much pillow talk, pleading and weenie massaging, Inez's efforts remained fruitless. This is when she resorted to a more "persuasive" method of getting porked. She began to beat the shit out of her boyfriend! To my way of thinking, having a woman stomp a mud hole in me is not what I would call sexually stimulating. A felony perhaps, but it ain't no way to make Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm stand at attention. But that's just how I roll.

Exercising Restraint

Miraculously, somehow the boyfriend had enough snap about him to not retaliate against Inez as she continued to slap him upside the head. Not so miraculously, Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm had decided that standing at attention was not in the cards at this point. Poor Inez. if only she had a Battery Operated Boyfriend (BOB), this whole unfortunate incident would have never come about. Now that I think about it, if she did have a BOB and used it in a Lesbian Porn Flick kind of way, she prolly would have laid, fried, ti-died and put to the side. Willie and the boyfriend might, just might, mind you, have been properly encouraged to participate in a little Mattress Mambo. Alas, it was not to be. The mood was ruined when the ass-kickin' started. And when the cops arrived.

Ruined Mood

As Fate would have it, the roll in the hay that Inez wanted, nay, craved, and turned into something quite different that she had hoped for. Instead of getting pounded like a cheap steak, she was on her way to the Broward County Center for Horny Bitches Who Assault Their Lovers To Get a Little Pokey Pokey. On the bright side of things, I'll bet you a nickel that Inez will get plenty of attention from some of her new friends in the lockup. No BOB necessary, batteries not included and some assembly required.

All this bullshit just to get some.

Inez is a cute young felon and I feel in my heart of hearts that she could have found some studly young man to fulfill her "needs" if she had just tried. Her boyfriend is obviously a Justin Bieber fan who couldn't, or wouldn't, nail Jessica Alba if she was the one beating him like a red headed step child. But that, of course, is purely speculative. His being a pussy, on the other hand, is not.

Closing Arguments

Actually, I have no argument to make here, but this is the closing of this tale of the wrong pussy getting beat up, right? Besides, I was a PreLaw Major (Dropout) in college, so I like to say "closing arguments" whenever I can.

Conclusions: Inez committed a felony and still didn't get hammered, the boyfriend is a pussy and Willie the One Eyed Wonder Worm is still in hiding. What a sad ending to a potentially terrific Porn Flick to Be.

I'll be taking up a Batteries for BOB Fund Raiser for Inez so she'll be "armed and dangerous", IYKWIMAITYD, when she gets paroled. Send all donations through the PayPal "Donate" button in the right side bar. It's the least I could do for Inez. And BOB.

Dumbass.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Dumbass Uses Bulldozer to Steal His Own Truck!

Wooooohooooo! Another Dumbass on a Bulldozer story!

Just in case you missed the first Dumbass on a Bulldozer story, it was a humdinger! It's the tale of a Dumbass driving a bulldozer while drunk!

Now that you have been regaled with that story, let's move on to today's Dumbass News.

The Choice of Dumbasses Everywhere
The Relationship Between Dumbasses & Bulldozers 

Why is it that Dumbasses have forged such a bond with bulldozers? Is there something about earth-moving equipment that calls to Dumbasses in a paranormal kind of way? "Come to me! You belong with me. Let's commit felonies together!", the bulldozer plaintively calls.

Is that it? Why the attraction?

It's because we are dealing with the shallow end of the gene pool here, i.e., Dumbasses! What the hell did you think it was, Dumbass? I ain't Dr. Phil here, trying to dig deep into the psyche of Dumbasses. I know Dumbasses! I am one of them! Their Fearless Leader. Without the bulldozer fetish.

But, I digress.

Picking Up His Car 

Donald Smith II of Bear, Delaware had taken his pick up truck to a auto repair shop in New Castle to have some shit done to it and had planned to pick it up when the work was completed. Problem is that Donald did not have the cash flow to pay the repairman for services rendered. Therefore, and rightly so, the mechanic held on the Don's truck until the bill was paid.

Donald couldn't wait that long.

So he somehow commandeered a front end loader and went straight to the repair shop to get his truck. Without permission. Late at night. On the bulldozer. 

Donald then hoisted his truck up in the air with the bucket of the front end loader! It may be just me, but the sight of a pick up truck in the bucket of a front end loader is not a normal thing. Even in Bear, Delaware.

Anyway, the shop owner saw all this going on and he called the cops, whom Donald Smith II led on a half-hour low speed chase down a highway then through a neighborhood and a cornfield. The Fuzz apprehended Donald when he drove the bulldozer, truck and all, into a retaining pond.


Donald was arrested and charged with all kinds of good stuff that should lead to at least a short stay in a Delaware Prison.

All of this unnecessary trouble when simply paying the repair bill or even working out a payment arrangement with the shop owner would have been the easiest way to take care of bidness.

But, the hypnotic call of the bulldozer was too much for Donald Smith II.

Dumbass.





Thursday, September 27, 2012

Restaurant Gets Bad Review, Owner Creates Sex Site Profile in Reviewer's Name!

Marisol Simoes Mambo Restaurant
Marisol Simoes, Bidnesswoman


 

From HuffPo via the Ottawa Citizen:

Let's play "Make Believe".

Let's pretend that you are a restaurant owner and you give what a customer decides is lousy service and a sub par meal. That's the customer's right. It is also the right of the customer in question to post an online review of said lousy service and meal. What would you do in such a case?

I know what Marisol Simoes did. She created a profile of the customer on a sex site!

Nothing good can come of this as Ms. Simoes learned. The hard way.

The Dish

Marisol owns a couple of "trendy" restaurants in Ottawa. Elayna Katz is the customer who spilled the beans on the crummy service and some black olives she didn't want on a pasta dish she ordered. Marisol took exception to the bad press.

So, like any good bidness owner, Marisol sought revenge! How?

According to HuffPo, "Marisol Simoes, the owner of two trendy eateries in Ottawa, Canada, created a fake sex site profile of a customer who wrote negative online reviews of Simoes' Mambo restaurant. The 42-year-old restaurateur also pretended to be the customer in lewd emails sent to the customer's bosses that said she was a “tiger in the bedroom” who was transgender and who liked group sex, according to the Ottawa Citizen."

Wouldn't an apology and a free meal have been a much better idea?



And as it turns out, much cheaper, too. 

Katz took Simoes to court.

Court Battle

It appears as though Marisol was too fucking stoopid to know that are ways of getting caught doing malicious shit like this and that they are ways to trace your IP address!

The cops traced the IP addy used to set up the sex site profile to Simoes, a legal battle ensued and Marisol Simoes was found guilty of some serious libel charges. She is due to be sentenced in November.

HuffPo tells us “It’s slightly ironic that the one thing [Simoes] was trying to avoid was the one thing that came out of all of this,” Katz told the Ottawa Citizen, referring to how much media attention the trial has attracted, compared to that of the original reviews.

I told you that an apology and a free meal would have been a better approach.Tiger.

By the way, the name of one of Marisol's eateries? Kinki's. How apropo.

Dumbass.




Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Dumbass Lady Shoots Husband Who Threatened Her Cat!

Today's story is about animals.

I know many people who treat their pets, usually cats and dogs, as good as they treat their family members. My mother-in-law is like that. before he went to the Big You Ain't Nuthin but a Hound Dawg Kennel in the Sky, Elvis (yes, named after that Elvis) the St. Bernard was the King (pun intended) of his castle. Teena the MIL loved Elvis almost as much as she loves her husband Donnie. I can't say as I blame her though, Donnie is from Philadelphia. Enough said. Every night Teena would cook Elvis a meal for supper. He sat or laid on the couch at will unless Donnie was home, then Elvis had to share "his" couch with the male member of the household. He did so gladly because that's just how Elvis rolled. I could go on, but you get the idea. Elvis was as much a member of the family as Donnie or Teena.

There's not a thing wrong with treating animals like the family member they are, it's just that some people like Teena go the extra mile in doing so. Again, hey, it ain't my dog, so go for it. And good for Elvis. He was a good mutt.

Then there's this lady in the Houston suburb of Spring, Texas.

Cat Lady
Cat Lover, Husband Shooter

By all appearances, Audrey Deen Miller looks like the Lady Next Door. It turns out that she is the Psycho Lady Next Door.

You see, Audrey and her husband (whose name isn't mentioned in the source for this story) got into an argument. Somewhere during this altercation The Husband threatened to shoot one of Audrey's cats with a pellet gun.

Audrey got mad. And when Audrey gets mad, she has the strength of a 2000 pound bull. Actually, Audrey was just strong enough to pick up a pistol and shoot her husband in the stomach for threatening to harm Audrey's beloved feline.


I bet The Husband will choose his words a little more carefully next time. If there is a next time.

From the story on wfaa.com, Miller, an animal lover with several cats and dogs, pulled out a .40-caliber semiautomatic handgun and shot her husband in the stomach.
“The husband was trying to do something to the cat and the wife was just trying to protect her cat,” said Assistant Chief Mark Herman, Precinct 4.
Miller was arrested at the scene and her husband was transported to Ben Taub Hospital in stable condition.
The cat was not harmed.

Oh, Goody! Questions!

Before I start my own Dumbass Inquiry into this incident, let me put this forth. If the cat is a menace to polite society, then I am all for dispatching it into the Great Beyond. But only if the cat is a danger to human health or well being. Otherwise a good dropkick will do the trick.

My Probing Inquiry
  • Why would a guy want to piss off an obvious animal lover by threatening to shoot her cat?
  • Why would a Dumbass think it was a good idea to threaten to shoot the cat with a pellet gun, when the unhinged animal lover in the house has a real gun?
  • Why would these two dumb fucks get married to begin with?
  • Better yet, why would they stay married?
  • Audrey Deen Miller is a psychotic bitch who needs to be institutionalized.
  • The Husband is a complete mental midget.
  • The cat was not harmed.
  • What?
The cat was not harmed? Who gives a shit? A man was shot in the stomach with a .40 calibre hand gun here! Fuck. The. Cat! A. Man. Could. Have. Died.

By shooting her old man, Audrey probably sealed the fate of her cat and all other animals in her care. And it don't look good for them. I don't see The Husband wanting much to do with them. Hello, Humane Society, and possibly, The Domestic Pet Adios House.

Audrey is in jail and so are the poor animals she was in charge of. Except she will live through her ordeal, the critters may not.

Happy, Audrey?

Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to Dumbass Matt Vaughn of Rockwall, Texas***

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Dumbasses Pay for Pizza & Movie with Stolen Rare Coins!

Many of you in the Dumbass Horde have hobbies. Some of them are what we might call a little on the strange side - collecting celebrities' hair. But, generally speaking these hobbies are fairly "normal" (for Dumbasses anyway) like stamp or rare coin collecting.

Did someone say "rare coin collecting"?

I know of a couple of Dumbass who collect other people's rare coins.

Rare Coin
Let me splain.

OPC (Other People's Coins)

A lady in Woodland, Washington hired a man and a woman, Dakoda and Elizabeth, to do some handy work around her house. They did some handy work all right. They found some rare coins, some as old as 200 years, put them in their grimy little hands and walked away with them.

And then the Dumbassery began.

Dakoda and Liz decided that they were hungry and went to a local pizzeria and had a pie paid for by, you guessed it, the rare coins! One of the coins the dickhead duo used to pay for the pizza turned out to be a Liberty quarter worth $18,500! That's eighteen and a half Large for the Criminal Element (and Yoopers) in the Dumbass Horde.

Our Dumbass Duet also decided to take in a movie paid for, right again, Numismatic Breath, with the kiped coins.

I see a pattern here. A Pattern of Dumbassery at Its Highest Level.

Too Stoopid to Know 

I am under the impression that these two idjits either didn't know what they had or didn't care what they had because they were methed-up (a favorite pasttime in the Northwest) to realize it. If they were on meth at the time, they had to buy it from someone and they may have bought one of the most expensive 8 balls in Meth History. Think about it. Some dope dealer was paid with thousands of dollars of rare coinage for a couple of hundred dollars worth of speed. He's laughin' all the way to the bank on this one.

Anyway, he's in jail and the cops didn't hold Liz because, get this, she's nine months pregnant! The poor baby will be so proud some day to learn that his/her Mama is a felon and a...

...Dumbass.


Monday, September 24, 2012

A Criminal Mastermind with Bigguns

I grew up in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex, back in the days when Dallas and Fort Worth actually were not connected by suburbs that are now cities in their own right. Not that these cities weren't cities before the Metroplex became home to about 7 million people. They were. But they were more like towns, places to grab a burger or take a pee break during the trip from Fort Worth to Dallas or vice versa. These days it's difficult to tell one city from the next. It would be damn near impossible if it weren't for city limit signs.
Understand, that I haven't been home to DFW in several years, but other than massive population growth and new buildings, I'm pretty sure it is much the same as I left it - Urban Sprawl at Its Finest.

Even the formerly sleepy out of the way town of Colleyville has become a small city as compared to a spot in the road as I remember it. Colleyville is also a crime-infested hell hole. That is if you include the crime of a 41 year old woman leading a group of kids on a home vandalizing spree as a major crime, which in Colleyville it is.

The Crime Spree 

Mastermind with Bigguns
A group of girls were having a sleepover at a Colleyville house. A group of boys found out about it. This of course opens the door to mischief of all kinds, what with pre-teen and teen boys and all. In my adolescence, this was known as "Boys Being Boys When a Group of Young Cuties Had a Slumber Party". So, the boys hatched a brilliant plan to "vandalize" the home where the girls were staying. The List of  "Vandalization" Tools included the obligatory 4 million rolls of toilet paper and the not-so-obligatory box of tampons amongst other things. In my day, a boy my age touching a box of tampons was akin to making out with the ugliest girl in school. Unless you were drunk, and these kids are way too young for that, it did not happen. Unless one of your buddies found out, then it happened.

The difference, besides the tampons, in this "T.P-ing" is that the group pf boys had a mastermind - the aforementioned 41 year old woman. This is uncool. Uncool because the broad is 41 and planning a Pre-Teen Yard Redecorating Party and uncool because no self-respecting 12 year old boy would enlist the help of an adult, especially a woman (sorry, ladies) to do something that comes so naturally to 12 year old boys. That is unless the woman was a hottie and/or promised to show you her knockers if she could be the Mastermind behind the shenanigans. In that case, she was an Instant Mastermind. A Stoopid Mastermind, but a Mastermind nonetheless.

The Story

From WFAA.com in Dallas, "A North Texas woman has been charged in an alleged neighborhood prank using raw chicken, mustard and peanut butter to cause $6,000 in damage.

Tara Mauney, of Colleyville, has been charged with felony criminal mischief in the July incident. She's free on $7,500 bond.


The 41-year-old woman allegedly helped several middle school students buy toilet paper to litter a residence where some girls were having a sleepover. Mustard and peanut butter were smeared or used to write graffiti. Chicken was left in a mailbox.


Mauney allegedly posed for a photo with some youngsters at a store where police believe the purchases were made.


Police say no children have been charged but two boys have acknowledged taking part in the vandalism.


But wait! There's more! "Mauney allegedly posed for a photo with some youngsters at a store where police believe the purchases were made.

Police say no children have been charged but two boys have acknowledged taking part in the vandalism.

According to a Tarrant County arrest affidavit, a homeowner in the 4600 block of Alexandra Drive in Colleyville called police to report the offense on July 25.
The officer found two raw chicken halfs in the mailbox; a toilet in the driveway near the front door with the words "suck it" written in Sharpie; more Sharpie writing on the home's "exterior, light colored stucco walls" of phrases like "whore house," "suck it" and "sluts." 
The latter word was also written in mustard on the driveway and was dry by the time the officer arrived on scene. Peanut butter was smeared on pillars near the driveway. Tampons and sanitary napkins doused in ketchup were left in the driveway and front yard. 
Some of those were found stuck on the home's front windows.
 
Why?

Now come the questions that demand answers.
  • Why would a 41 year old woman want to assist a group of boys in planning and executing such a midnight raid? Buy 'em the toilet paper, sure. But knowingly and willingly participate? Sheesh.
  • Surely the woman, or She With the Big Hammers as I like to call her, knew that she (and the boys) would be breaking the law.
  • Raw chicken? That's disgusting. This alone takes this prank to another level. And it ain't a good level either. Bitch.
  • Using Sharpies (or mustard, or anything) to write vulgar terms on the walls of the house is inexcusable. 
  • "Bloody" tampons? Seriously?
  • Did she show off her "assets"?
  • I hope it was worth it.
There are more questions to be asked for sure, but this bimbo should have never gotten involved in this teenage mischief in the first place. In the second place, she knew the boys were up to something and could have least given them some good sound advice on the "etiquette" of rolling a house. Raw chicken and "bloody" tampons cross the line. Period. No pun intended.

A Lot More

What could have and should have been a simple teenage prank turned into much more with the help of an irresponsible parent. The worst that should have come out of this ordeal was that the next day the kids who did the rolling came back to clean up the mess they made and perhaps learn a lesson. But noooooooooo!! Some Dumbass broad has to go through her second childhood and decide to "help" the boys be boys.

And now she is charged with a felony!

But she is a cutie. I wonder if the she has a nice rack? Maybe I could ask one of the Rollers. Or maybe not. That could be another felony-in-the-waiting.

Dumbass.






Porn Stars at the Prom! Almost.

Evil
Best of Dumbass News
 
The Senior Prom. Although mine was several light years ago, I can still see my date looking so beautiful in her blue dress and I looked like a damned fool wearing that fucking monkey suit. But the memories remain as vivid as they were almost forty years ago. Oh, what a night.

At some high schools around the country it's prom time as I type this. Young men are busily planning a special night for their dates - a nice supper, corsages, limos and condoms. That's an awful lot of cheese to cut just hoping to get laid. But such is the life of the young - and horny.

Getting a Date

The most difficult and nerve-wracking part of going to the prom is finding a chick that's desperate to go with a Dumbass. By the time the young Dumbass gets the balls to ask some girl to go, he's scraping the bottom of the barrel. All the lookers have been claimed by the football players. The only girls left for the Dumbasses are the girls who "have nice personalities". If the Dumbass is lucky, she'll have big hooters and have the fire down below, IYKWIMAITYD.

There are exceptions to this rule, of course. One kid in Oakdale, Minnesota came up with an absolutely outstanding solution to being a Dumbass stuck with a prom date with a "nice personality". He sent out Twitter messages to porn stars inviting them to be his prom date. And two of them accepted! Talk about a stroke (pun intended) of genius! And the power of Twitter! Damn, this kid, Mike Stone, is smooooooth. Not only are his dates ready for action, he won't even have to take them to supper. Just think how much money the lad is saving. And it's a cinch that he'll "get some." From a porn star no less!

Mike Stone is my hero.

Not So Fast

Dream Crusher***
Naturally, like every fairy tale story, there's a wicked witch in this one too. Her name is Patty "Dream Crusher" Phillips. Dream Crusher is the Head Honcho at the Oakdale School District. She has thrown a monkey wrench the size of The Twin Cities into the works and it doesn't look good for Mike.

Dream Crusher says that any guest at the prom that isn't a student of the school district will have to be approved by school district officials, so the porn stars (and Mike Stone) are left out in the cold.

I don't get it. Just because some chick makes an honest living by having sex with dozens of men and has the unmitigated gall to film it and sell it to willing adults, suddenly she's not worthy of attending a High School prom. What. The. Fuck. Do those same rules apply to cheerleaders? Or the school slut? I mean, c'mon, Crusher!

What I Think

If only students can attend the prom, then I have a solution to Mike's problem. My guess, and it's only speculation on my part, is that these porn stars don't have high school diplomas. I think they should get them ASAP. So, enroll them in the Oakdale School District! Instant student hood! The two professional sluts can now go to the prom with Mike! Let's see Dream Crusher Phillips get past that! 

This is why I am your Fearless Leader. I see a problem and attack it like a pit bull after a T-bone. I am relentless in pursuing a solution to the travails facing a fellow Dumbass. Especially an up and coming Young Dumbass like Mike Stone.

If this plan doesn't work, then I suggest that Mike piss in the punch and let the drinker beware.

It makes me proud and brings a tear to my eye to call a fine young man, Mike Stone, a...

...Dumbass. <sniffle>

***Thanks to Bones for finding the photo!***

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Dumbass News Birthday Bash Continues! The Readers' Most Popular Posts

The Dumbass News Birthday Bash continues!


I was going over the blog stats looking for the most popular stories in its two year history so I could re-post them for the Birthday Bash. Of course the older posts are gonna have more views, but the sheer number of views for some of them caught me by surprise.

When I write something, I fully expect it to get a lot of eyeballs on it. But in the case of the most-read stories, some of the stories themselves garnered way more views than I thought they would. I mean, when I write about strippers (or boobs) that brings out the perverts en masse, as expected. Tattoos are also a very popular subject, pot is too, so it comes a no big shocker that stories about pot, strippers (or boobs) and tattoos rank very high on the Dumbass Reading List. Dumbass Newspaper Headlines do well too. Stories about make up do not. See where I'm comin' from?

Therefore, it comes as no surprise that the stories that got the most attention over the last two years involve strippers (or boobs), tattoos, pot and Dumbass Newspaper Headlines

Here they are:
  • Java Jugs: Have a Coffee and a Lap Dance! - Buy a cup of coffee for twenty bucks and you get a lap dance Free!
  • The Return of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines! - This feature is always very well-received by Dumbasses around the world. This early (2nd or 3rd?) edition of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines has been viewed almost 1000 times! Who knew?
  • A Guy Named Gus, His Ducks and Pot - This is the story of a French Guy who innocently feeds his ducks pot. They are very happy ducks. Gus has been read about nearly 1200 times! By stoned Dumbasses.
  • Tattoos Are Forever, Dumbass - I knew this one was gonna be a biggie, but not this big! Viewed nearly 2500 times, this is the tale of a radio station prank and a tattoo that went real wrong.
Those stories oughtta keep you busy and in stitches for a while. With a combined total of over 5000 views, these are the four most-viewed posts in the two year history of Dumbass News. With good reason. See for yourself.

Dumbass.


Friday, September 21, 2012

Purse Goes BOOM in Starbucks;Reader's Choice Birthday Bash Best of Dumbass News

I wrote this post back on January 5,2012 and for some Dumbass Reason, it has been one of the most popular posts of the last couple of years.

As we celebrate two years of Dumbass News, this goes on the Dumbass' Choice List of Favorite Posts Since the Beginning of the Blog.


Over & Under Pistolaccino
With big announcement of the 2011 Dumbass of the Year and the big threefer Dumbass of the Day post from yesterday, we have begun the new year with both barrels ablazin'. Kind of like our dumbass today, except that I am using "both barrels ablazin'" as a metaphor for getting off to a rousing start. Our Dumbass of the Day uses "both barrels ablazin'" in a very literal sense. Allow me to elucidate.

The Elucidation

There's a young lady, a teenager in fact, in Cheyenne, Wyoming who was visiting her local Starbucks so she could waste $5 on a cup of coffee that she could buy somewhere else for $1.29, when a very strange thing happened. Her purse went off. Not went off like it grew legs and ran away. Went off as in POW! Like a gun! Wanna know why it sounded like a gun? Because it was a gun! As much as I hate to say this about teenagers, this chick is a dumbass. She had an over and under (one barrel on top of another barrel) derringer in her purse and somehow the damn thing discharged. The bullet went through a chair and embedded itself in a wall on the other side of the coffee shop. This young lady is lucky that the bullet didn't go through another customer and embed itself in yet another bystander. The cops were summoned to the scene and were not exactly what one would call "amused". "Pissed" is more like it. They cited the dumbass with possession of a firearm by a juvenile which carries a $750 bond and an automatic (no gun pun intended) court appearance. 

The 2nd Amendment

If you've been stoopid enough to have read this blog for any length of time, you know that I am big Constitutionalist. If it's in the Constitution of the United States, leave it the hell alone! This is especially true of the Second Amendment, the one that gives Americans the right to keep and bear arms. There are many good reasons for this amendment being the second one right behind the Freedom of Speech thing, but those are for discussion on another day. 

Anyway, the right to bear arms in the state of Wyoming is not afforded to those not yet of the majority age. For those of you in San Francisco that means a person must be at least 18 in order to legally have a gun in Wyoming. Commie Dumbasses. (in SF, not Wyoming)

Having said all that, with gun ownership comes great responsibility and this girl obviously left responsibility at home when she was packing heat in the first place, much less in a public establishment like Starbucks. As was done, she received the punishment due to her and still faces other charges. Maybe. It's up to the DA in Cheyenne.

The Right to Be a Dumbass

I don't normally cover subjects that are so serious, but even dumbasses, myself included, need a reminder of what it takes to be a good American Dumbass. This country has allowed us to be the finest dumbasses on the planet, so let's do our due diligence in showing our gratitude for such an opportunity. Remember, there are places on this Big Blue Marble that punish and demean dumbasses and gun owners but celebrate sissies and perverts. Like San Francisco. Pussies.

As for our little Annie Oakley at Starbucks...quit packing a rod and tote some feminine hygiene products instead. You never know when you'll be in San Fran and one of the pussies there will need one. 

And start drinking decaf. You'll be much better off.

Dumbass.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Happy Birthday, Dumbass News!!!

It was two years ago today that I found a story about a dumbass bitch who gave her long-time boyfriend "permission" to go bag some other skank for one night only. I blogged about it,. Thus, the humble beginnings of Dumbass News. And I haven't looked back.


On that day two years ago I started  Dumbass News just to have something to do. It was at that time that my Doctor told me I'd have to retire due to some health concerns and some mental illness issues that have been visited upon me. I have more letters followed by the words "disorder" or "syndrome" than a can of Campbell's Alpha Bet Soup. But, I digress.

On September 19, 2010 when I wrote an introductory post announcing the "Grand Opening" of Dumbass News, I thought I'd have a few readers amongst family and friends around the country. I got them OK and several hundred a day more on a good day. Talk about being humbled. I have been slapped down and called "Shorty".

A Few Quick Facts About Dumbass News
  • Dumbass News is my first attempt at blogging.
  • I love this blog like it's one of my kids, which considering I personally write all the stories (except for the very occasional Guest Post). Anything that you write yourself, no matter how stoopid or brilliant, or in my case case, brilliantly stoopid, is like a new family member to a writing person.
  • I have posted over 700 (seven hundred!) stories on Dumbass News.
  • Yes, there really is a Mrs. Fearless Leader. She has been with me through thick and thin for almost eight years, which proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that she is a Dumbass. And deservedly so. I love her.
  • Here's a factoid people have a hard time swallowing: I turned 56 years old a few days ago and yes, I have children ranging in age from 5 years old to 33 years old. They are my children. I helped make them. Even though two Mrs. Fearless Leaders did the heavy lifting. A few of my grandkids are older than my youngest children. So there.
  • Dumbass News has been read by Dumbasses in 144 Countries around the world.
  • By the end of today, Dumbass News will have been viewed more than 88,000 times. That averages out to more than 3667 per month or 267 per day. Considering how slow things were in The Beginning, that ain't too bad for a one Dumbass operation. Nowadays, I average between 8000 and 10,000 page views per month.
  • I still make fun of anybody but my Mom, the Pope or Billy Graham.
  • I absolutely love doing this shit.
I think I'll make this a "Mini Series" of sorts by listing some of my personal favorite stories and the stories that you, the Dumbass Horde, have endured. made the most popular during the last couple of years. So, over the next two or three days, I shall regale you with some Dumbass Blasts from the Past. If you have a favorite, drop me a note in the comments or send me an email to realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com and I'll include it on the "Greatest Dumbass Hits" play list.

It's ready made subject matter, what do you expect from a Fearless Leader?

Gratitude

I wish I could personally thank the tens of thousands of you who have visited Dumbass News over the past two years but that means I'd have to shake your hands and God knows where those hands have been.

Dumbasses.

Judge Says Tax Payers Must Foot the Bill for Prisoner's Sex Change!

Speaking of sex changes...I know, through a very popular blog and Facebook, a now-female, Amanda (not her real name), who has gone through, at least partially (I don't know how much, nor do I really care), a sex change. She is a very cool person - attractive (in a sex change kind of way :{) and very funny and intelligent. I like her. If she hadn't revealed this information, I never would have known about the surgery, nor would it have mattered. What matters to me is what's on the inside, not bodily appendages or lack thereof. Amanda is a quality human bean. That's all that is important to me. Like I said, I like her and didn't abandoned our online friendship because of something that she feels is right for her. Did I mention that she's very smart and funny as hell?

Today's Dumbass News touches on sex-reassigment surgery, or for brvity's sake, a sex change. For a prison inmate. A male prison inmate.

But, "Fearless Leader", you ask, "what's the difference in what Amanda did and the inmate wants to do?"

Allow me to elucidate.

Michelle Kosilek
Robert/Michelle (Image from HuffPo)
Vive La Difference!

What my friend did and for whatever reasons, she did on her own and through her own means. The inmate, born Robert Koselik, now called Michelle, wants the tax payers of Massivetwoshits to pay for his sex change and some Dumbass Liberal Pussy Judge, US District Judge Mark Wolf  agrees!

FYI, Judge Wolf can be reached at:

1 Courthouse Way
Boston, Massachusetts 02210
(617) 748-9152

The HuffPo story states, "U.S. District Judge Mark Wolf earlier this month ordered the state Department of Correction to provide sex-reassignment surgery to Michelle Kosilek. Wolf found that prison officials had violated Kosilek's Eighth Amendment right to protection against cruel and unusual punishment, and that the surgery is the "only adequate treatment" for Kosilek's gender-identity disorder.
Wolf has now found that Kosilek is also entitled to legal fees.
"Kosilek has prevailed on his claim that the defendant has violated his Eighth Amendment rights and is continuing to do so. Therefore, he is eligible to be awarded his reasonable attorney's fees and costs," Wolf wrote in an order entered in court Sunday."

What. The. Fuck?

But wait! There's more! "Kosilek first sued state prison officials 12 years ago. Two years later, Wolf ruled that Kosilek was entitled to treatment for gender-identity disorder but stopped short of ordering surgery. Kosilek sued again in 2005, arguing that the surgery was a medical necessity. Kosilek has made two suicide attempts.
In opposing Kosilek's request, prison officials have repeatedly cited security concerns, saying that allowing her to have the surgery could make her a target for sexual assaults by other inmates.
Wolf, however, found that the DOC's security concerns are "either pretextual or can be dealt with."

You're joshin' me, right Judge? Right?

Da judge ain't joshin'.

Dumbass Questions and Musings
  • "Either pretextual or can be dealt with"? Seriously? I am dumbfounded.
  • A man living as a woman in an all male prison - what could possibly go wrong?
  • A former man who is now a woman (parts, or lack thereof and all) living in an all male prison - what could possibly go wrong there?
  • Nothing says "fuck me and make me squeal" like a transgendered person serving time in a prison filled with the opposite sex.
  • While I am fairly certain that Robert/Michelle has been a prison bitch for a while now (he's been in prison since the early '90s), he doesn't realize the significance of what he's about to do.
  • Regarding the statement above, I don't care. The motherfucker is in prison for murdering his wife. Over the mascara or some shit.
  • Judge Mark Wolf is a Commie Bastard, pretextual or not and should be dealt with at the ballot box or Judicial Review Board, whatever the appropriate channels.
  • Bawney Fwank and Ted Kennedy are/were from Massivetwoshits. So is Judge Mark Wolf. Enough said.
  • Fuck Massivetwoshits.
Dumbasses.


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Lady Poisons Boyfriend to Get His Attention!





Vicki Jo
Vicki Jo Mills of McConnellsburg was feeling that her boyfriend, Thurman Nesbitt, was lax in his duties in doting over her. So, instead of new lingerie, perfume or hairdos, Vicki Jo, hatched a plan that would make Thomas notice her like she'd never been noticed before.

It has been my experience in life that men sometimes put other things in life ahead of their wives/girlfriends that leave the poor woman craving attention. To be fair, the things that men put first are worthy things like fishing, golf, likker, etc, but there's absolutely no excuse for neglecting your woman by means other than these. I am sensitive to a woman's needs that way.

Neglected wimmin often drop subtle little hints that you have not shown them enough attention lately. They'll put on a new perfume, get a new hairdo, buy sexy lingerie or try to poison you.

At least that's the way wimmin in Fulton County, Pennsylvania do things.

Neglected


She decided to poison him! Over a period of three years!

This certainly got Thurm's attention. It also got the attention of his doctor.

During three years of fluctuating blood pressure, vomiting and difficulty breathing, Ole Sawbones called in the Law. From abc27.com, "According to investigators with the Pennsylvania State Police, Vickie Jo Mills used Visine eye drops to poison her boyfriend, Thurman Nesbitt, at least 10 times since June of 2009.
State police got involved in the case in mid-July after Nesbitt's doctor contacted them. He had been treating Nesbitt for years for unexplained nausea and vomiting, elevating and dropping blood pressure, as well as difficulty breathing.
A test showed the main ingredient for eye drops, tetrahydrozoline, in Nebitt's blood. Troopers questioned Mills, who admitted to putting eye drops in Nesbitt's drinking water." 

If at First You Don't Succeed...

Vicki Jo has been charged with aggravated assault in the case, still she maintains that "she "never meant to kill" her boyfriend, but "only wanted him to pay more attention to her.". I agree with VJ here. poisoning your significant other at least ten times is a definite scream for attention - attention from law enforcement, the District Attorney and a hangin' judge.

Vicki Jo will also be a big hit in the PA Department of Corrections for Dumbass Wimmin's "Ain't She Got a Purty Ass" Division where Spike McGillacuddy forms a one Lezbean welcoming committee, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Calls for Attention

Men, if you notice any of the more common "pay attention to me or I'll cut off your gazebos or poison you" signs from your woman, do something immediately to ensure your own safety and happiness at home.

Tell the bitch to make you a sammich.

And get you a beer. Nothing says "I am paying attention to you" like that does.

And Vicki Jo? One word for you: batteries. Lots of batteries. You now have the attention you so are desperately craving.

Dumbass.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

To Dumbass Thief in York, PA: Lurn Two Spel, Bicth!

Yesterday's Dumbass News featured a Dumbass who couldn't or wouldn't read the labels on the sewage and/or fuel tanks of an RV and wound up with a mouth full of shit instead of gasoline. Today we'll shine the Spotlight of Dumbassery on an idjit who can't spell.

But First... 

I am a firm believer in the "if you're gonna do it, do it to the best of your ability", or iygdidittboya, school of thought.

It's simple, really. If you are gonna build something, build the best one you can. If you are gonna paint something, paint it like you never painted before. That last one didn't come out the way I wanted it to but you catch my drift. Give any given task 100% and you should have no regrets about possibly having tried harder or done it better.

This is especially true if you are a criminal.

Let me splain.

Spell Check Your Work

Let me give you an example of what I mean by spell check your work. See the nice jihadi in the photo? His message would have been much more effective if he'd only spelled "Jews" right. Instead he looks like even more of a camel-fucking pig than he already is. Killing "juice" is not high on the "Death to the Jews" agenda supported by this dooshbag and his cronies, I'm sure. But slaughtering those of the Hebrew faith is. If only he'd consulted a real Jew on how to spell "Jews" correctly, he'd simply look like a pissed off rag head instead of a complete pile of steaming aardvark shit.

Today's Dumbass could use the same spell check rule of thumb as ole Abdul there.

You See...

Our Dumbass of the Day decided it would be a great time to steal a motorcycle and vandalize someone else's property, so he did.

But before leaving the scene of the crime with the stolen motorcycle, our Dumbass decided to add insult to injury by painting some graffiti on the victim's SUV. He scrawled the word "bicth" on the driver's side door. This is where Spell Check would have come in handy.

Why is it that when criminals try to be clever, their efforts end in such epic fail? Because they are Dumbasses, that's why! Who else but an honest to God Dumbass is capable of such idiocy? As if what he is doing isn't vile and stoopid enough, he has to throw in the graffiti like that's gonna make things worse?

The kicker is that he (the thief) has beclowned himself so bad by misspelling one simple word that when he gets caught, he's gonna be the most popular guy in the county jail, iykwimaityd. Yes, fellow Dumbasses, prison "bicth"hood is just around the corner for this guy. And I bet he'll squeal like a "bicth" too when Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams lays the "bicth" meat to his scrawny no-spellin' ass.

Stoopid son of a "bicth". And...

...Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to Dumbass Matthew Vaughn in Rockwall, Texas***

Monday, September 17, 2012

Seattle Dumbass Siphons Sewage Instead of Gas from RV!

Sometimes it just doesn't pay to get up in the morning.





Petrol or Poop?
I don't know where the original article came from except that Mrs. Fearless Leader shared it on Facebook via funmeme.com.

I Wanna Know

  • Are the sewage and fuel tanks on RVs not labeled as such?
  • If not, why?
  • If so, can't this Dumbass read?
  • If not, why can't he? 
  • Is he just another product of the Seattle School System?
  • Fire all Seattle teachers who taught him if the above is true. Please.
  • I kinda don't blame the guy. Gas is over four bucks a gallon.
  • The owner of the RV is a cool sumbitch letting a mouth full of shit be punishment enough for the Dumbass Gas Thief.
  • I'm glad that it was him and not me.
  • ROFLMFAO
I have put forth some very serious and demanding-of-answers questions and I fully expect them to be answered forthwith.

Yeah. Right.

And I am still ROFLMFAO.

Dumbass.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Pissin' Off a Lady Who Has to Pee

Supper & a Deadly Weapon
Today is my birthday, so I am taking the day off to spend with my wife (Mrs. Fearless Leader) and little girls, Issy the 9 Year Old and Bailey the 5 Year Old. I'll be back with a new dose of Dumbassery on Monday. 
 
In the mean time remember, you can pick your friends but you can't pick your friend's nose. Unless you guys are really weird; then all bets are off.
 
With that said, let's go fishin'.
 
For those of you who are newcomers to Dumbass News, you may not know that I am a fisherman and a damn good one, too. Fish.Fear.Me. So, when a story is Dumbass News- worthy, I jump on that sucker like a duck on a June bug. And guess what? I found a fishing story that is Dumbass News-worthy!

In the winter, many residents of the northern half of the country don't let frozen streams and lakes deter them from getting in a little fishing. They just get an auger and drill a hole into the iced up body of water, drop a line in that sucker and get after it.  Such is the case of a woman and two men who were recently ice fishing. One of the Cardinal sins of fishing is to not invade another fisherman's space by fishing in the immediate area he is fishing in or to fish too closely to him. It's just common courtesy, but if that rule is broken, it could led to unpleasant  consequences like a shouting match, fisticuffs or worse. Like being assaulted with a trout. What???!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if you fish too close to another fisherman, he/she just might slap you upside the head with a fish. Fishermen are a serious bunch about their fishing hole being intruded upon. For example, a lady in Michigan was ice fishing when she felt her fishing hole was intruded upon by two men. This is where the dumbassery begins. The lady walked over to the men and asked them to turn their heads while she tinkled on the ice. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go and when you're fishing, the world is your outhouse. Not that I would personally know these things <coughbullshitcough>, but when Nature calls, you've got to do something. But, I digress. The lady tells these two guys she's gotta pee. The guys turned around as the dumbass lady requested, then she goes full tilt boogie bat shit crazy and smacks the two guys about the head and shoulders and the upper extremities of their bodies with a fish! I told you that fishermen are a serious bunch when it comes to "protecting" their fishing spot.

The cops were called and it was determined that the dumbass fishing lady was pissed off because, in her opinion, the two guys had put their shanty (portable ice fishing hut) too close to hers and she felt that a flagrant fishing felony was within the unwritten laws of fishing, so she bashed them with a bass. There's a small matter that we haven't discussed yet. We know that the two guys called the the fuzz and after being pummeled by a pissed off piscatorial perpetrator, these two dumbasses refused to press charges! Holy mackerel! What a couple of pansies.

I wanted to come up with a witty ending to this post, but I am drawing a blank. All I can say is that when you go fishing, be a good sport and don't fish too close to the other guy. It's really rude and
some folks, like the dumbass lady in the story, get a touch peeved when that happens. Besides, you never know if the other guy is packing a concealed catfish and he's willing to use it. 
 
I'm just sayin'. 
 
Dumbasses.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Sperminated by a Squid! In the Mouth!

The Sperminator
Best of Dumbass News
I hope all you Dads has a better than average Fathers Day. And being Dumbasses that is highly unlikely, but being your Fearless Leader comes with the responsibility of trying to keep you motivated and in high spirits. By "high spirits" I do not mean tequila.

Since yesterday was Fathers Day, I can only assume that many of you have Little Dumbasses running around your basement. However, many other members of the Dumbass Horde are not so fortunate as to have children. Some Dumbasses have not gotten their wives /girlfriends knocked up yet, while other Dumbasses pay the neighbor to boink their old ladies in hopes of putting a bun in the oven. There are also some Dumbasses who wouldn't know what to do with a vagina if it bit them in the face. I gotta tell you that it's my firm personal belief that a biting vagina wouldn't be much fun anyway, so I won't yank anyone's Dumbass Card - yet. I'll review such cases on its own individual merits. Finally, we have Dumbasses who are - how do I say this delicately? - homos. I have nothing against Dumbasses who are queers as they are valuable member of The Horde. Besides, many gayrod Dumbasses get all worked up over me calling them homos and therefore giving me more ammunition that 1) proves they are indeed homos and 2) some funny shit to write about. I love our prissy homo Dumbases. In a brotherly kind of way of course. Besides, I need someone to design my Fearless Leader wardrobe and who better to turn to than a diva homo?

Speaking of biting vaginas...

Is That a Squid in Your Mouth or Are you Just Happy to See Me? 

Those wacky Koreans are at it again.

There's this lady in Seoul, South Korea who went to a local eatery to grab a bite to eat. She placed her order which included fatback, grits and fired tripe....oh wait! That's the wrong South I'm thinking of. I kill me sometimes.

Anyway, this nice Korean lady goes out to eat and once at the cafe, placed her order for squid. She was really hungry by the time her squid got to her so she began to slam it down like Charlie Sheen pounds down expensive sham-pain. During the chewing process, the nice Korean lady experienced a small problem with her cephalopod. 

It was alive!

Wait'll you hear this: The squid injected its sperm bag into her tongue, according to research published in February.
The unidentified woman reportedly experienced a "pricking and foreign-body sensation" while she chewed and spat the squid out. She had to go to the hospital when she felt severe pain and several "small, squirming" creepy crawlies in her mouth.
Doctors found that the squid had left "twelve small, white spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms" in the mucous membranes of her tongue and cheek.
Indeed, the woman's mouth had been essentially inseminated.

Upon reading this love story about a squid and a Korean lady's mouth, no less than 48 quintillion thoughts came to mind. For brevity's sake (and the fact that I have no idea how to count to 48 quintillion), I shall narrow those racing thoughts into a manageable number - like 2 or 3.
  • Can a nice Korean lady become impregnated by squid sperm working its way down her gullet? BTW, Stephen King (Big Steve is a fellow resident of Maine)  this is my theory and would make a great book about Korean/Squid Crossbreeding, so don't even think about stealing my idea here. This idea is now "in print" as having originated here on Dumbass News, therefore it is © ® and other legal shit. I am sure, however, that we can work something out. Call my people. Dumbass.
  • How does one go about complaining to the manager of the joint that a squid just unloaded in your mouth? I have several ideas, but none of them are for public consumption. 
  • Does the nice Korean lady swallow?
  • Will sperm sack-squirting squid in the mouth become "The Next Big Thing" in the Homo Community?
Answers

In order of the questions posed above.
  • Stephen King will love my alien/squid/Nice Korean Lady cross-boinking idea and write a best seller about it. I will get my due credit and recognition for being a sick sonuvabitch. A RICH sick, twisted SOB. Steve, email me, baby. We've got business to do.
  • See above.
  • If so, she has a bright future in the Nice Squid Sperm Swallowing Korean Lady porn industry.
  • Yes.
Note to self: No more squid for me. Leave it for the homos.

Dumbasses.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Fog Machine Causes Strip Club Evacuation!

As a Former Professional Drinker I can assure you that I contributed to the United states economy in ways that your Non-Professional Drinker does not.

For example, back before General Motors and Chrysler got themselves in a big jam, they owed to me a debt of gratitude, not to mention a new Corvette, for my contributions to their financial well being. Not all of their success but a great deal of it.

You may be asking yourself how could a solitary Fearless Leader be such a boon to the automotive industry in the United States? The answer? Strippers. I dropped enough money on lap dances to finance several dozen new cars. With extended warranties. I had the money to blow, so why not help out a stripper? It beats the hell out of giving to the nitwits who sell flowers on street corners. I'll take knockers over flowers any day of the week.

Not So Good Places 

Some of the Jiggle Joints I patronized were not what you'd call "gentlemen's clubs". Dives is more like it. I was going into to this one place in Houston one time with a couple of my buddies visiting from Dallas when there was a hail of gun fire right in front of the entrance to the place. Spooky indeed. So, what did we do? We went in. What did you expect? There were boobies waiting to be gawked at in there.

Fire! Or Not.
In the more "high class" strip clubs the props used by the dancers range from that well-known piece of exercise equipment known asthe "stripper pole" to ribbons and fog machines. Only the ugly stippers, however, used the fog machines. But even the most high-tech and foggiest of fog machines can not hide ugly. Take my word for it.

I did not pay for lap dances from ugly strippers. A nice rack can get a girl only so far with me. Ugly is a deal-breaker.

Smokin'  

Down in Hotlanta, a group of Professional Drinkers and bidnessmen were sitting around looking at tatas and blowing their hard earned money at a strip joint when a thick smoke filled the room. Thicker and thicker the smoke became. "Fire!", someone yelled. So the pro drinkers and the Guys Cheating on Their Expense Accounts were herded outside the club.

Enter the Fire Department. Unable to locate the blaze, one fireman bravely entering the "inferno", struggling to see through the thick smoke when he finally came upon the source of the smoke.

You guessed it. A stripper fog machine!

It seems as if if one of the strippers forgot to turn off the fog machine after her routine and the smoke quickly filled up the entire titty bar! This ruins a good day of looking at nice racks rather quickly.

Preguntas (a little Meskin lingo there)

As usual, I have questions.
  • How could a stripper fog machine be making fog for a long enough period of time without being noticed until the whole club looked like downtown London?
  • Who was the Dumbas in charge of turning off the stripper fog machine? The stripper or some minimum wage bar back who was too drunk to remember to shut it off?
  • Why did this Strip Club hire an ugly stripper? Remember, only ugly stripper use fog machines.
  • Did the management of the club fire whoever screwed up all the boob ogling?
  • Is the ugly stripper still working there?
  • What happened to the stripper fog machine?
Inquiring minds want to know.

Dumbasses.
 
 
 





Umbrellas - The Latest Deadly Weapons

Best of Dumbass News
 
The world has changed a lot since I was a a kid. Back in the mid 60s I used to ride my bike all over town without fear of being kidnapped or molested. Today, I wouldn't let one of my little girls ride their bikes across the street, much less all over town. It's a sad day when kids can't even be kids anymore. It used to be the same with guns, rifles and shotguns particularly. Hell, you couldn't travel a few blocks without seeing a gun rack in some old boys pick up window. For you younger folks, by pick up window I mean the kind in a pick up truck not at McDonalds. Dumbasses. It was just something people did back then. When was the last time you saw a gun rack in a pick up? I thought so. 
 
I Demand Umbrella Control!
People go ape shit when they see that sort of thing today. For example.... OMG! There's a Gun! A little while back, the students at Rochester Institute of Technology were going about doing what college kids do on campus. Then all of the sudden, somebody spotted a gun! With some of the tragedies of recent years concerning guns on campus, I understand that people are a bit leary of such things. The college staff sent out an emergency email warning of a possible shooter on campus. Here's the email: "Person allegedly with rifle spotted outside Kate Gleason residence hall. Shelter in place. People in the area of the residence halls are advised to stay inside until further notice." The Monroe County sheriff's department was notified and quickly responded. After searching the campus, they located the alleged rifle carrier. There was one small detail that lead them to release him. The rifle was really an umbrella! Woops! 
 
Last time I checked, unless it was a James Bond movie or an episode of Get Smart, umbrella rifles are very rare in Rochester, New York. But I am just guessing here. I don't blame the student who reported the "rifle" to authorities, but come the fuck on. There's just too damn much paranoia going on out there. I do, however, have a solution to eliminate or at least minimize such incidents. Make it legal for properly trained students to carry some fucking heat! A Glock or Smith & Wesson will certainly make a bad guy think twice about going on a shooting rampage when he himself could get smoked. If it doesn't make him think twice, then at least the loss of life or injuries can be substantially lowered if an armed student shoots the son a bitch dead where he stands. I'm just sayin'. Just make sure the bastard has a gun, not an umbrella. Unless he's Maxwell Smart or James Bond. 
 
Dumbass.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Bank Says Lady Is Dead; She Says, "I Ain't Either!"

Dead to me.
Today, I am taking my wife to the doctor for some pre-surgery tests and will be gone most of the day. Therefore, I shall leave you with a little diddy I wrote last November.

I hope you enjoy it.
 
Fearless Leader

Best of Dumbass News
 
Her bank says she's dead, so she must be, right? Wrenella Pierre says the rumors of her demise are greatly exaggerated. She's even filed a lawsuit saying so. Let me splain.

According to JP Morgan Chase Bank in Oviedo, Florida met an untimely death. They sent her family a note of condolence, notified credit reporting agencies, etc. Mrs. Pierre has tried on several occasions to get the bank to fix the problem, but so far nothing has worked. Dumbasses. Since JP Morgan Chase Bank won't recognize her as not dead, Wrenella says her credit rating has gone to hell. Quick question. How can a dead person (or presumably dead person) have their credit ruined, and further, why and how can it matter to them if they are DEAD? But, I digress. At any rate, Wrenella Pierre keeps telling JP Morgan Chase Bank, "Hey! Look at me! I am NOT dead!" The bank, however, insists that she is dead. Just ask her. Mrs. Pierre has now hired an attorney to help her fix this situation, but so far, no luck. She's still dead.

You'd think that solving a problem like this would be fairly easy to do. The bank says you're dead, you say, "No, I'm not", go to the bank, show them your ID and you are indeed still alive and a few comouter keystrokes and BINGO! All is well and everyone lives happily ever after. Alas, this is not the case with Wrenella Pierre. I have an idea that could clear up this whole mess in about five minutes. Wrenella should go buy a couple of $100,000 Mercedes, miss a payment or two and the dipshits at JP Morgan Chase Bank will know you're still alive right quick. I promise.

Dumbasses.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Getting Shot Shooting Golf

It was either Will Rogers or Mark Twain who said that "Golf is a perfectly good walk through the park spoiled by chasing around a little white ball".

I disagree.

I like golf. A lot. I like the beer cart on the golf course a lot. Well, I used to anyway. I haven't had an alcoholic beverage in over two years, so the beer cart love is out of the question these days. As a matter of fact, golf is out of the question these days. My back is rather fidgety and a round of golf, or even just a couple of holes, would lay me up for a while if I were to get stymied on the links by hitting my mashie astray.

I guess there's always Putt Putt.

Oooohhhhhhh weeeeeelllllll...

I Shot a Round in Reno Just to Almost Die

I have never been to Nevada but I hear that Reno is a great place to visit for a little gambling and golfing action. Even though a bad back prevents me from playing golf, I am still able to gamble with the best of 'em. Cha-ching!

Reno, however, was a lousy choice of golfing destinations for one guy with a bad banana slice.

Let me splain.

LakeRidge Colf Course...Really
Shotgun Start

A Golf Guy had made through 15 holes at LakeRidge Golf Course in Reno when he sliced his tee shot on Number 16 through the window of a house located on the course. This is not uncommon if you live on a Golf Course. Not every golfer hits 'em straight. Especially after several encounters with the beer cart.

The old Golf Ball Through the Living Room Window Trick was too much for the home owner. So he sought Justice. With a shotgun. Home Owner Guy found The Slicer and after a brief verbal altercation was not satisfied with the conclusion of the conversation so he shot the golfer! For you non-golfers, let me assure you that this is a very draconian "out of bounds penalty" at most golf courses. The usual penalty for hitting out of bounds is a stroke or two, not a barrel or two from a 12 gauge Mossberg shotgun.

It is after being blasted by a Dumbass with a 12 gauge that the beer cart comes in real handy.

I'm just sayin'.

Here Come the Cops

Of course the cops were called and even though my source story doesn't mention it, I would venture a guess that Home Owner Guy was arrested for, at the very least, assault with a deadly weapon, maybe even attempted murder.

Here's to hoping that The Slicer is fully recovered from his wounds (which were not serious, btw) and Home Owner Guy is getting "stymied" and "mashied" at every available opportunity in the Nevada State Pen, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

That would be the perfect ending to a perfectly good walk through the park ruined by chasing around a little white ball.

A shotgun blast to the face doesn't make the walk through the park any better I'm sure.

Where's the beer cart?

Dumbass.


Tuesday, September 11, 2012

September 11, 2001 - Never Forget & Never Forgive

Heroes
This is my annual September 11 post that I wrote on 9/11/2010. I will repeat it as often as it takes until we rid the World of the camel fucking sons of pigs that seek to destroy us. Never forget. Never forgive. 
WARNING: THIS POST IS FULL OF ADULT LANGUAGE. If you are easily offended, DO NOT READ THIS!. Consider your self warned.

Where were you when the world stopped turnin' that September day... I was at work and for some inexplicable reason, I was there about two hours early. I had already grabbed the Dallas Morning News and was reading the Sports section. With the TV at the bar tuned in to Fox News Channel, I just happened to look up and read the crawl across the bottom of the screen. The first plane had hit the North tower of the World Trade Center. My first thought was that the pilot of the jet had a heart attack or something. Then the second plane struck the South tower. It was at that point that I knew this was much more serious than someone having a heart attack. This was an attack OK, a cowardly attack on thousands of Americans, innocent people, just doing what they do every day, an attack on my country! The second that the plane blasted into the South tower, I knew it was an act of terrorism. The United States was effectively in a state of war. The worthless bastards that perpetrated this horrendous murder of almost 3000 American citizens had, by their actions, made it so. President George W. Bush made it all but official a short time later when he addressed the people of New York City that this was indeed an act of war. A few weeks later, we let those Islamic assholes in Afghanistan know that the United States of America meant business. That was when our President was a real man, unlike the pussy occupying the White House now. Hundreds of New Yorkers were killed on impact and dozens more decided it would be better to leap to their deaths than to be incinerated in the inferno of the WTC. The rage within me grew more intense with each innocent human being that was forced by the goat fucking Islamist sons of bitches to make a sudden die by fire or die by jumping out a window 1000 above the ground decision. My hatred for those pedophile "prophet" worshippers was boiling inside me like the towers that burned before me eyes. To this day, that feeling of hatred, pure fucking hatred for those cocksuckers simmers just below the surface. I hope God will forgive me some day, but I cannot yet bring myself to forgive those barbarians. These motherfuckers not only viciously murdered 3000 men and women, but they had forever changed the lives of tens of thousands more family members and friends of the dead, so I hope they all burn in hell for eternity. They are beyond redemption and deserve the endless torment of the fiery lake of Hades, so fuck them with the barbed cock of Satan, their true master. If that makes me a bigot, then so be it, I am a bigot. Their so called "holy book", the Koran, commands people (and I use that term loosely) like them to slaughter the Infidel simply because he/she is not a Muslim. The Koran compels them to do this kind of shit, like flying jets into buildings, so the name of Allah will be glorified. Are you fucking kidding me? From newadvent.org (The Catholic Encyclopedia) I found this:"The Koran contains dogma, legends, history, fiction, religion and superstition, social and family laws prayers, threats, liturgy, fanciful descriptions of heaven, hell, the judgment day, resurrection, etc. — a combination of fact and fancy often devoid of force and originality. The most creditable portions are those in which Jewish and Christian influences are clearly discernible." Legends, fiction and superstition, huh? Sounds like an Oliver Stone movie. I don't know about this Allah asshole, but the one true God that I worship tells me that I must treat others as I want to be treated, not to slay innocent human beings for not being a Christian in order to bring glory to God. As for the other billion plus idiots that follow this cult called Islam, if you believe the same absurd shit that the nineteen hijackers of 9/11 did, then I have no use for you either. You are breathing my air, so stay the fuck away from me. I will not discriminate against you, but I want nothing to do with your sorry asses until you repudiate Islam and the violence and bigotry inherent to it. Until then, kiss my ass. Islam is not a religion, it is an ideology. A political ideology.True religions dictate that you show kindness, mercy, compassion and charity to your fellow man, not slice his head off for merely being a non-Muslim. True religions call for forgiveness of our transgressors, not the brutal stoning or hanging of someone who "offends" your twisted view of spirituality and worship of whatever you assholes worship, like that stupid fucking rock in Mecca or whichever God-forsaken third world sewer of a city you call Muslim "civilization". Defending your "religion" is one thing, but the wholesale murder of innocent men, women and children to show the rest of the world that they are "infidels" is beyond repulsive, it is degrading to God and his children. Americans don't cotton to the kind of vile behavior you proclaim in the name of Allah and we will not stand still for that kind of shit! We will slap a missile from a Predator drone up your worthless asses and not think twice about it. You asked for war, then dammit we'll give a fucking war, dickweeds. When we kick the slimy America-hating, steaming pile of camel dung that we call a President out of the White House and get a man or woman that loves this country like the average Citizen does, you'd better have more than Allah to protect your sorry souls, because there will be no place to hide. We will show no mercy in tracking you down like the pigs you are and ask you exactly once if you want to surrender. If your answer is "no", then we will happily and without giving it a second thought to it, dispatch you to the 72 virgins you so naively believe to be waiting for you in "Paradise".  We have sent our sons, fathers, daughters and even mothers to find and kill you bastards. Thousands of them gave their lives so the United States will be free of murderous lunatics like you, and thousands more volunteer every day to pick up where the fallen left off. America is not afraid of you. We stand vigilant, eyes and ears wide open, so we may detect you and will do whatever is needed to stop you before you commit more atrocities against our Citizens. We ain't scared, assholes. You may succeed in your homicidal mission from time to time, but rest assured, the every day American you seek to intimidate, will not cower to you and your deadly intentions. We will, however, happily and with extreme prejudice blow your evil carcass to Kingdom Come when it becomes necessary to the plot. We, as Americans, owe that much to the 3000 innocents you killed at the World Trade Center and to the thousands of our young men and women who perished in the line of duty when sent to defend the United States from deranged motherfuckers like you. In the words of Todd Beamer, a passenger on Flight 93, which crashed in a Pennsylvania field, "Let's roll". Simply put, send your soul to Heaven because your asses are ours. AMF - Adios Mother Fuckers, have a nice day. 
I will never forget nor will I ever forgive!

God bless America!
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