Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: October 2012 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

There's Gold in Dog Poop!

Best of Dumbass News

Allow me to relate a story Willie Nelson once told me as we were getting blasted while I interviewed him. I shall regale you with the Reader's Digest Version.

Willie's first love is music. Everything else comes in second place. Period. Now this kind of outlook can put a great deal of strain on a marriage, especially when one is married to Willie Hugh Nelson.

Anyway, Willie told me that on this particular night (now early the next morning), he was out playing poker or some shit and he came home commode huggin' drunk. His wife was kind enough to let Willie get in bed and crash into an alcoholic coma (as it were) for a little shut eye.

Needless to say the then-Mrs. Nelson was not especially happy about Willie's behavior at the time, so, God bless her, she did what any Texas woman with a drunk, philandering husband would do. She sewed him up in the bed sheet! Oh, wait, this gets a lot better, Dumbasses. Mrs. Willie then proceeded to find the nearest broom. Educational Note for Young People: Broom handles were made of wood back then. The same kind of wood Roy Hobbs used for his baseball bat in "The Natural". Hard, As, A. Rock

So here's an extremely inebriated Willie Nelson sewn up in a bed sheet about to experience something that few men in History have lived through. A pissed off wife who sewed you into said bed sheet with a cement hard broom handle about to go Babe Ruth on your drunk ass. Simply put, Mrs. Willie beat the living dog shit out of the Red Headed Stranger at this, for Willie, most inopportune time. Babe Ruth hit 714 career home runs during his playing days. Mrs. Willie Nelson hit nearly 900, so it seemed to Willie, in just a few minutes.

That's how I feel today - like Mrs. Willie Nelson went Mickey Mantle on my skull.

Therefore, today I will re-post a story that is still getting quite a bit of attention from Dumbasses around the world. It's a steaming turd story of getting rich from dog shit.

You'll thank me later.

Dumbass.

Best of Dumbass News

Takin' Shit & Gettin' Paid
OK, I admit it. The thought of this blog going down the toilet has crossed my mind from time to time. What seems like easy work to many people can be a very demanding task to those of us who are stoopid enough to write something that is hopefully clever and informative on a regular basis.

Alas, Dumbass News has gone to shit. Dog shit to be precise.

Let me drop the deuce on you. Metaphorically speaking of course.

Speaking of Tough Jobs

As taxing as it can be to come up with a good post every day, there are some jobs that make this one look like a walk in the park. The Doggie Park. Full of doggie doo doo. Bowser bombs. Poodle poop. Shih tzu shits.

I never really thought about it, I guess because I am not a pet owner, but all the Dog Parks and back yards in the country have got to be cleaned up every once in a while. Think about it. There are 78.2 million dogs in the United States and every last one of them has to make a doo doo at least a couple of times a day. That's a mess (ha ha) of canine crap. 30,000 tons a day or 10 million tons a year to be exact. Put another way, that's enough dog shit to fill up 3800 miles (267,500 big rigs) of fully loaded tractor-trailers ( lined up bumper to bumper from Boston to Seattle.

My Dad, a trucker for over forty years, is rolling over in his grave at the idea of hauling terrier turds from coast to coast.

Sorry, Dad.

There's Dough in That Thar Dog Dookey!

As I read the source article for this stinker of a post, I got to wondering, what kind of Dumbass would actually have a job removing dog shit from parks and yards all over the USA?

Very smart Dumbasses, that's what kind. These guys make a shit load of money.

All the information that I have given you today comes from a bidness named, I am not making this up, Doody Calls.  Other than the obvious pratfalls of cleaning up after Rover takes a healthy squat, Doody Calls provides a very valuable service to not only their clients, but to the rest of us as well. If not properly disposed of, poochy plops can leave behind germs and bacteria that cause heartworms, parvovirus, salmonella and e.coli! No shit.

I couldn't end this screed without relaying to you SOME "Fun Facts" about greyhound grunt. Shamelessly stolen from the Doody Calls web site are these little nuggets:
  • DoodyCalls scoops over 3 million poops a year!
  • Over 8,000 dogs are happy DoodyCalls customers!
  • We are the FIRST pet waste removal franchise in the WORLD! (ed.-I believe that!) 
  • How many scooped poops does it take to make it to the top of Mount Everest and back? 400,000! 

Not an Endorsement

I am not plugging the Doggie Doo Doo Guys for any other reason than they are knuckleheads who have taken a dirty job and turned it into a money-making enterprise that is good for them and the communities they serve. I will, however, urge you to read their web page  and see what all they have to say. It's really good shit.

Doody Calls. 

Dumbasses.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Selling Drugs Via Texting...To a Cop!

Best of Dumbass News

I have a confession to make. I am a Gizmo-holic. Yes, I have traveled the rough and treacherous technological road to Gizmo-holism. I love gizmos and gadgets. desktop computers, laptop computers, iPads, GPS and all the cool little gizmo enhancers that go with them. I do not yet own all these electronic wonders. I will soon, though. Count on it.

I do have a problem, however, with cell phones. While in many instances cell phones prove to be life savers and just plain old handy. But, I do not like them very much. One of the most popular features of today's cell phones is the ability to text a friend or family member. I am still trying to figure out why you would text someone when right there in your greedy capitalist pig hand is a $500 cell phone - a cell phone hundreds of times more powerful than the first computers! A phone to me means a phone call! Fuck texting. Use the damn phone for what it is made for -  making phone calls! Do I have to teach you dumbasses everything? Good Gawd, y'all.

Now, having said all that shit, I have written a few posts on dumbasses with cell phones who end up, shall we say, fucked. To see what I mean look here and here, and you'll find dumbasses and their cell phones are not a particularly good combination. Well, guess what? I have come across another dumbass-with-a-cell-phone texting instead of making a phone call story. Go figger.

There's this chick named Amy who like millions of other Americans has a cell phone. And like millions of other Americans she texts her friends, family and business associates. Of course, by "business associates", I mean people to sell narcotics to. In a situation like this, texting is a real dumbfuck thing to do, but, being a mental midget, Amy texts her customers to meet her at Place A to pick up some stash. What Amy forgets is that if you text your "come buy drugs from me" message to the wrong number, the text is still there for the receiving party to read. A text of this nature in the "wrong" hands could be bad news for Amy. And it was. She sent her text meassage to a cop! Well, the cop's face lit up like a fat kid at Chuck E. Cheese when he saw the text. Long story short, Amy got busted and now shares a cell (<--- I made a funny) at the State Hilton with Marlene "Butch" Abernathy, the 3 Time defending Toughest Lesbian in the State Hilton award winner. Amy can look forward to fun and games with the other "girls" and probably write a book and go on Dr. Phil and become a millionaire ex-con bimbo. or a Cinemax at Night soft porn star recounting her days as a sex toy to a 6'3" Lesbian in State Prison. Sick ain't it? I am jealous.

Dumbass.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Dumbass Tries to Rob Police Station, Says He Was Just Kidding!

I have more news regarding Mrs. Fearless Leader and her surgery, but I'll spare you the details and simply say that the news ain't all that bad, but it sure ain't all that good either. She's gonna be OK and that's the main thing. With that being said, I'll also tell you that she has a second surgery scheduled for Halloween Day. Dammit.

I am buried under an avalanche of stuff to do to keep the house running as smoothly as possible and at the same time be Dad to my two young daughters while Mrs FL is on the mend, so finding more than a few minutes to write ain't happening yet. I promise to be back ASAP and Dumbass News will be bigger and  better than ever! Of course it would be very difficult to be any worse , but I am sure I could find a way if I tried.

It's a tough row to hoe, but your Fearless Leader has it under control. Mostly. :)

Thank you all again for your continued support and prayers. They are greatly appreciated.

Best of Dumbass News

There are Dumbasses and then there are Dumbasses. The story that I am about to tell you about is one of the latter - a full tilt boogie Dumbass. And a Future Prison Bitch.

Every day, I write about the stoopid shit that people do. That's my job as Fearless Leader of the Dumabss Horde - to write about Dumbasses and the incredibly insane stunts they pull. The subject of today's post is the leader at the halfway pole in the race for Dumbass of the Year, 2012. And that is saying a whole lot.

What I Mean

I did two quick mouse clicks and accessed the archives to Dumbass News and randomly picked out someposts from three consecutive days. These three stories (Nekkid Maids in Lubbock , Woman Takes Dump on Interstate & 73 Year Old Granny Dope Dealer)were, until I cam across today's Dumbass, certainly receiving due consideration as Dumbass of the Year nominees. Not any more. The guy who stars in today's episode of Dumbass News smokes the competition like a cheap cigar when it comes to the DoY candidates thus far in 2012. But, there is hope! While today's Dumbass may be the Leader in the Clubhouse, it's not even June yet, so who knows what Dumbasses await us over the next six months?

Gimme All Your Money!

When I read those few words as reportedly used in the commission of an illegal act, I think of a bank robbery. Or of some dipshit knocking off a 7-11. Or even a simple mugging. Today, I would be wrong.

Let me splain.

In the Dallas-area town of Wilmer, Texas (it's near Hutchins...:) ) lives the Dumbass whose name will live on in Wilmer History long after his Earthly Demise. He will be forever known as the Dumbass Who Did the Stoopidest Thing in the Annals of Stoopid Things Done in Wilmer, Texas or Anywhere Else.

Keithan Manuel is an 18 year old Wilmer resident. From what could ascertain from the source article from CBS News, Keithan had had dealings with the Wilmer Police in the past. Anyway, Keithan (and who the hell names a kid "Keithan"? A Dumbass, that's who. So it looks like Keithan came across being an idiot genetically) went to the WPD to check on some information on an arrest warrant. Nothing dumbass about that.

Then Keithan opened his mouth.

Upon approaching the Police Clerk, did Keithan cheerfully greet the Clerk with a familiar Texas "Howdy!" Nope. How about a "Good morning/afternoonn. Not this time. Keithan, with all the youthful exhuberance he could muster said, "Give me all your money!" OFFICIAL DUMBASS REMINDER: Keithan just demanded money from an on-duty Police Officer right smack dab in the middle of the Wilmer (Texas) Police Department! Did I mention that he also told the clerk that he (Keithan) was carrying a pistol? And that his hands were wrapped up inside a white towel as if he were holding something (a pistol maybe?) there? I have now.

As a Texan, I can assure you without one scentilla of hesitation or doubt, that this is NOT a good thing to do at a Police Station in Texas. The Law Enforcement Community in Texas, especially small towns, consists of men and women whose close relationship to the people they serve is considered to be of paramount importance in helping them discharge their duties as sworn Peace Officers as smoothly as possible. Again, as a Texan, I can also state categorically that walking into a building occupied by fully armed and highly trained Texas cops demanding money and announcing that you are packing a rod as if trying to commit a robbery, is not only a dumbass thing to do, but it is also a good way to gain 10 - 12 extra pounds. Ten or tweleve pounds of .45 calibre hollow points that have, with great prejudice, been dispatched into to your torso courtesy of Messeurs Smith and Wesson.
The Joker


He Was Joking!

Later, at the Dallas County Jail, Keithan told a local TV station that "I play like that all the time. I didn't thinl she would take it seriously". What a kidder that Keithan is! It's a cryin' shame that a young man can't even walk into a Police Station with what appears to be a weapon wrapped inside a towel, announce to the Police Clerk that he is armed, demand the clerk's money and then not have a good chortle with the Guys on Duty! What's the world coming to? 

To top it all off, Keithan (what a pussy name) now spends his days in the Dallas County Big House under a total of $300,000 bail wondering why can't the Wilmer (Texas) Police just have a sense of humor and what life in the Texas Department of Corrections holds for him. Prison bitch, anyone?

Where are Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson when you need them? Oh, wait. There's no money to be made in this case. Sad, ain't it?

Did I say how much I hated the name "Keithan"?

Dumbass.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Dumbass Dies During Threesome!

Best of Dumbass News

Just when you think things couldn't get any weirder...

Not long ago I wrote about a guy who died while getting a lap dance from a stripper. At the time, I said something like, "What a way to go". Although, deep inside the recesses my mind I just knew something more stoopid would eventually come up, I simply didn't expect it to be so soon. I mean, geez, just when the Dumbass of the Year Award, 2012 had a clear front runner, the waters get murkied up again.

Death by Threesome

William Martinez was a 31 year old guy with ticker trouble - heart problems. He had just been to his cardiologist, who feared that William was suffering severe blockage in his heart arteries. The doctor then scheduled Guillermo (a lil Meskin lingo there) for some kind of medical test that would help determine the source of his (William) heart ailment.

Waiting for Fearless Leader
William never made it to that appointment.

He died the day before it was to take place. While engaging in a threesome! The other two people in this meange a trois included a friend of William's and a woman. A woman who was not his wife!

For all you guys who are thinking about doing a cluster fuck with a group of people and your wife ain't one of them, let this be a very stern warning. That shit can kill you. And if you make it through your little excursion into orgy-ness, your old lady will either a) murder you in a most violent, lingering and painful manner or b) slice off your gazebos with a rusty fishing knife dipped in turpentine, in which case you'll wish you were dead. I'm just sayin' and your mileage may vary.

The Grieving Widow

Mrs. Martinez  was shocked and horrified at the sudden demise of her husband, even if he did kick the bucket while boinking another woman and/or man. She was grief stricken.

She was grief stricken just long enough to pick up the telephone and call an ambulance chasing medical malpractice lawyer. You know the kind. The ones you see on TV. Their commercials usually begin with something like this: "If you had a cheating piece of aardvark shit of a spouse who died like a rabbit in heat while porking another woman, man or both, call the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe at 1-800-UFUCKINGPIG now!"

Mrs. Martinez then sued her dead husband's doctor for all kinds of stuff basically saying that the doctor should have warned William about the dangers of "strenuous physical activity" before he was tested for his heart condition. I must agree with Senora Dumbass on this point. being in a threesome can be very strenuous physical activity. On the other hand, living through a threesome can lead to very strenuous physical activity as well. Very strenuous physical activity like running for your life from a pissed off wife with a rusty fishing knife dipped in turpentine while she is alternately screaming at the top of her lungs "Come back here, you steaming pile of zebra dung! I am going to cut off your worthless gazebos with this rusty fishing knife that I just dipped in turpentine!"

Anyway, the widow won the lawsuit.

Mrs. Martinez the Millionaire

Here's an excerpt from the Reuters article from which I got this story:

"William Martinez's death during a threesome, jurors found he was 40% responsible for his own death -- perhaps because Martinez had a history of high blood pressure and was at high risk of having clogged arteries. That reduced the jury's initial $5 million award by 40%, to $3 million.
Lawyers for Martinez's estate argued his cardiologist, Dr. Sreenivasulu Gangasani, failed to warn Martinez to refrain from physical activity like sex. The doctor also failed to take a proper medical history when Martinez showed up for a medical appointment one week before he died, The Journal-Constitution reports.
A lawyer for Gangasani vowed to appeal the $3 million verdict for the man who died during a threesome. Though the award is set to go to William Martinez's estate, it's not clear if his widow or his two sons will have access to that money, according to The Journal-Constitution.

Let me get this straight. If I were to bite the big one during an extramarital threesome, my wife and kids could get millions of dollars, but if I keel over right now, after having been a faithful husband, doting father and all around nice guy who worked for over forty years, paying exorbitant taxes and now fighting with the US Gubmint to get my own money back so I can support my family, my wife and two little girls will get about two grand as month? Well shit! I know which way I am gonna die! Thank you, Jesus and bring on Jessica Alba!

And what was that lawyer's phone number again? I'll leave it to my wife. She'll need it after my "physical strenuous activity" with Jessica Alba and her husband. I just hope I don't live through it. The thought of a rusty fishing knife freshly immersed in turpentine is a rather spooky notion. At least it is to my gazebos.

I'll be in touch, Jessica.

What a way to go.

Dumbass.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Dumbass Psychic Should Have Seen This Coming

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Psychics. 99% of the American public knows that 99% of the "psychics" in this country are "psychic" in one way only. They know that there are plenty of weak-minded dumbasses out there who will fork over good money for a "psychic" reading, hoping against hope for some miracle in their lives. Don't get me wrong, I believe in paranormal stuff, but I am not so quick to call Miss Cleo or one of her dumbass minions. But, again, some people put great faith in any old Miss Cleo, Sister Dora or Princess Jasmine and their "psychic" abilities, proving that many Americans are in fact weak minded dumbasses. Besides, you can buy a lot of beer and pizza with the amount of money you spend on one solitary "psychic" reading.

There's a Rip Off in Your Future
If grown people want and feel the need to throw some of their hard earned cash on magic dog poop, a fart reader (like reading tea leaves except they read farts) or a "psychic", I don't give a shit. But when one of the charlatans takes advantage of a kid, they cross the line into "I need my ass kicked real bad" territory. Read on and you'll see what I mean.

There's this asswipe psychic in California (!) that was giving readings to a 12 year old girl !!! What. The. Fuck. That statement right there is a major red flag for me, but that's just how I roll. Anyway, this boil on the ass of humanity psychic was telling this child that there was a terrible curse on her family and the only way to remove was to bring her parents jewelry to her (the psychic). So the kid did that. Several times. You can see where this is going. And it ain't to Cash for Gold. The girls' parents eventually caught on as to what was happening and called the cops. The cops did their duty and arrested this stoopid bitch and put her exactly where she belonged...in the fucking County Hilton, where she will have the joyous time of learning first hand what those Women Prisoners in Chains movies are all about. Enjoy the broom handle game, bitch. You so deserve it. Oh, yeah she was charged with fraud and extortion, so she'll have a long, eventful career as a prison bitch. It couldn't happen to a nicer dumbass.

A quick note to our "psychic" friend and future Cinemax After Dark star. You should have seen this coming.

Dumbass.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Guy Robs Bank, Forgets to Take the Money With Him!

Another day, another visit to the doctor for Mrs. Fearless Leader.

I am still caring for Mrs. Fearless Leader following her surgery from Wednesday, so between that and being Mom and Dad for the two kids while Mom is mending is keeping me very busy. Free time is at a minimum. I promise to get some new stuff out there in a few days, so please bear with me.

Thanks again,
Fearless Leader

Best of Dumbass News

September 19, 2010, a date that will live in Infamy. That was the date that I announced the Grand Opening of Dumbass News. The world has never been the same. And it serves the world right, if you ask me.

The first actual post to this blog was published the next day. It was about some dumbass bitch that let her boyfriend have Mad Monkey Sex with another woman for his birthday or some shit. We haven't looked back since. In the intervening 20 mmonths or so I've written about some real stoopid people who have done some real stoopid stuff.  Dumbass Subject Matte, or as we professional blogging-type dip stick call it, DSM, has ranged from The Frozen Dead Guy who is still on ice in Nederland, Colorado (I used to live there) to a recent incident in which a drunk lady hit a cop in the head with a plastic ding-a-ling, or as very lonely women call them, "boyfriend".

Odd, That

I come across some insane material in doing "research" for this blog. "Research" of course meaning stealing shit from other blogs slaving away for hours on end, employing a highly evolved and technically intricate form of Google Fu (typing in what are referred to as "search terms" into a Google "search box") known to very few men, looking for Dumbass News-worthy stories.

While I have written a few stories that feature plastic weenies as protagonists, I have, surprisingly, not come across too many Dumbass Bank Robber tales. I "searched" the Dumbass News Archives, located in the left sidebar of any page, and came up with only a handful of Dumbass Bank Robber stuff - one about a guy who took a get away bus after a bank heist. Another one about one of the Biggest Dumbass Bank Robbers in History who, after committing the crime, went on his Facebook page to brag about it!

Such is the life of a Dumbass Criminal in 2012.

Until now.

The Plan 

When you look back through history, the guys really good at bank robbin', Bonnie & Clyde, Jesse James, Billy the Kid, etc., were meticulous in the preparation aspect of the heist. Every single detail, no matter how small, had to be anticipated and possibly dealt with at a split second's notice. Of course 99% of your Average Bank Robbin' Population (ABRP) just walks into a bank, hands the teller a note saying he has a gun or bomb and give me the damn money. Not much planning involved. Not only did our Dumbass Bank Robber in today's story not have a very detailed plan, he didn't have a clue either.

Let me splain.

Some would-be Dumbass Bank Robber in Chicago was anxious to get down to the bidness of being caught on video by approximately 2 billion surveillance cameras located in the bank's lobby. I have never understood that. Don't video cams take, like, you know, video and shit? Real live as-it-happened documentation likely to be used as evidence against the Bad Guy when, if, he goes on trial? But, I digress.

Anyway, after literally seconds of planning his crime, the Bad Guy goes into the bank, passes a note to the teller saying he has a bomb, give me the money. Now comes the hard part. the Getaway! His heart pumping like a two stroke Briggs and Stratton lawnmower engine, the Bad Guy makes good his escape! "The heat will never find me!" he shouts in head as he leaves the scene of his misdeed. The heat will never find the money either. "Why?", you ask, anxiously sitting on the edge of your computer chair, the tension in this story building to almost unbearable levels. Let me tell you why. The. Dumbass. Forgot. The Money. Yup. Left it at the bank.

Now, I have never robbed a bank and the thought to do so has never been that appealing to me, but I think this ain't the way it's supposed to work, is it?

On the Lam

As of this writing, the Little Dumbass Bank Robber That Couldn't is still at large.

All this poor schmuck has to show for his efforts is a shit load of cops and Federal Agents looking for him and that ever-fleeting moment of triumph - fleeing the crime scene looking like he was shot out of a cannon. Oh, what a high that must have been! "I did it! I did it!" echoing in the Dumbass's head as he flies into Freedom a rich man.

Then a little thing called "reality" sets in. He. Forgot. The. Fucking. Money. I think this is the proverbial stop that ruins a perfectly good fall from about 10,000 feet.

Thud. Just like Wile E. Coyote.

Dumbass. 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Dead Fat Guy Rejected by Science!

Things didn't go as well as planned for Mrs. Fearless Leader's surgery yesterday, but thank God she is doing fine. It's a long story I won't go into, but suffice it to say it was an excruciating ordeal. We are all exhausted, to say the least.

She just ordered me to make her a sammich, so I guess the anesthesia has worn off.

Dammit.

Best of Dumbass News

A couple of weeks ago I wrote that all you Dumbasses had a reason to get fat. Or fatter as the case may be. That was because July was National Ice Cream Month. It's a good thing that July ended and we are now wrapping up the first week of August. Now you can't use ice cream as a crutch to pork up with.

I have yet another reason for you civic-minded Dumbasses to stay below three bills.

Let me splain.

Science Schmience

Down in New York a fat guy died. That's not so unusual as fat people die every day. So do skinny folks. And those in between. When the Big Guy calls your number, there ain't nuthin' you can do about it, fat, skinny or medium. It's AMF (AMF = Adios Mother Fucker)

Anyway, the Fat Guy died of a heart attack and in his will he left his body to science. Problem is, Science didn't want it. Why? You guessed it. It was too fat! What this Dead Fat Guy's rather obese (he weighed in at over 300lbs.) corpse ever did to Science, I don't know. Don't Dead Fat Guys have something to contribute to Science after they buy the farm?

I just don't get it. Couldn't Science dissect this Dead Fat Guy's body like a frog in 10th grade biology class and learn something from it? Like some shit about heart disease or diabetes or Twinkies. Something! After all, the guy was nice enough to suffer a massive coronary and keel over and leave his remains to Science. What if this particular corpse held the secret to curing some currently incurable illness?

Science is an ungrateful bitch, ain't it?

Enter Dead Fat Guy's Family

We now know that Science turned down the Dead Fat Guy's habeus corpus christi cum laude McDonaldus. Which is more than could be said for the Dead Fat Guy's Faimly. Science waited a full thirteen days before giving the unwanted corpus dilecti back to the bereaved.

It is at this point that The Bereaved became The Pissed Off.

I am not a Scientist but if my memory and common sense serve me correctly, a Dead Fat Guy can become a Dead Fat Decomposed Blob after a few days, much less nearly two weeks.

Which brings out the curiosity in me.
  • If Science is so smart, how is it that it forgets to refrigerate a Dead Fat Guy while he is being turned down by Science itself? A body kept at the proper ambient temperature wouldn't rot that fast, would it? Inquiring Dumbasses wanna know.
  • Now, if Science did indeed forget to properly preserve the remains of the Dead Fat Guy, wouldn't it, you know, notice that he was  doing the ashes to ashes thing?
  • If not, why?
  • I don't know.
The Pissed Off, formerly the Dead Fat Guy's Family, was not amused to the point of filing a lawsuit against Science! Science in this case being the hospital that let the Dead Fat Guy rot to hell. To be fair, the hospital said it tried to donate the Dead Fat Guy to various Dead Fat Guy Body Snatchers but had no takers. Still, thirteen days? I think that if the Dead Fat Guy were the Alive Fat Guy and knew all this was going on, his feelings would be hurt. But he's still AMF'ed and he doesn't give a shit one way or the other.

Suggestion

Again, I am not a Scientist, but even a Dumbass like me knows that you don't let a Dead Fat Guy lay around for thirteen days before returning the body to whomever. Why couldn't these Smarty Pants Science Guys at least fake accepting the Dead Fat Guy? It seems to me that that would be much more "scientific", not to mention a lot nicer, than giving back a decomposed Dead Fat Guy after thirteen days. Could Science have not just taken out a spleen or gizzard or something and fulfilled the Dead Fat Guy's last wishes and saved The Pissed Off from being pissed off and filing lawsuits. This is what's known in the vernacular as "covering your ass". The Dead Fat Guy's Family would have been none the wiser, still grieving over the loss of their loved one and out of court. Now, though, they are The Pissed Off and a certain medical facility has a lot of splainin' and a lot of check writin' to do to The Pissed Off.

It all could have been much more pleasant and diginified had Science simply sent back the Dead Fat Guy within a day or two. Postage paid, of course.

Scientifically speaking, Science is a....

...Dumbass.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Judge Orders State of Massivetwoshits to Pay for Prisoner's Sex Change Operation!

Today is The Big Day!

My wife will be having gizzard-removal surgery today and will probably be in her room beginning the recovery process by the time you read this. I will, of course, be at her bedside at Dumbass Community Hospital, waiting patiently and lovingly for her to get strong enough to get home and make me a sammich. And if I were a drinking man, fetch me a beer. Dammit. That's just the kind of compassionate Fearless Leader that I am.

Best of Dumbass News

Speaking of sex changes...I know, through a very popular blog and Facebook, a now-female, Amanda (not her real name), who has gone through, at least partially (I don't know how much, nor do I really care), a sex change. She is a very cool person - attractive (in a sex change kind of way :{) and very funny and intelligent. I like her. If she hadn't revealed this information, I never would have known about the surgery, nor would it have mattered. What matters to me is what's on the inside, not bodily appendages or lack thereof. Amanda is a quality human bean. That's all that is important to me. Like I said, I like her and didn't abandoned our online friendship because of something that she feels is right for her. Did I mention that she's very smart and funny as hell?

Today's Dumbass News touches on sex-reassigment surgery, or for brevity's sake, a sex change. For a prison inmate. A male prison inmate.

But, "Fearless Leader", you ask, "what's the difference in what Amanda did and the inmate wants to do?"

Allow me to elucidate.

Michelle Kosilek
Robert/Michelle (Image from HuffPo)
Vive La Difference!

What my friend did and for whatever reasons, she did on her own and through her own means. The inmate, born Robert Koselik, now called Michelle, wants the tax payers of Massivetwoshits to pay for his sex change and some Dumbass Liberal Pussy Judge, US District Judge Mark Wolf  agrees!

FYI, Judge Wolf can be reached at:

1 Courthouse Way
Boston, Massachusetts 02210
(617) 748-9152

The HuffPo story states, "U.S. District Judge Mark Wolf earlier this month ordered the state Department of Correction to provide sex-reassignment surgery to Michelle Kosilek. Wolf found that prison officials had violated Kosilek's Eighth Amendment right to protection against cruel and unusual punishment, and that the surgery is the "only adequate treatment" for Kosilek's gender-identity disorder.
Wolf has now found that Kosilek is also entitled to legal fees.
"Kosilek has prevailed on his claim that the defendant has violated his Eighth Amendment rights and is continuing to do so. Therefore, he is eligible to be awarded his reasonable attorney's fees and costs," Wolf wrote in an order entered in court Sunday."

What. The. Fuck?

But wait! There's more! "Kosilek first sued state prison officials 12 years ago. Two years later, Wolf ruled that Kosilek was entitled to treatment for gender-identity disorder but stopped short of ordering surgery. Kosilek sued again in 2005, arguing that the surgery was a medical necessity. Kosilek has made two suicide attempts.
In opposing Kosilek's request, prison officials have repeatedly cited security concerns, saying that allowing her to have the surgery could make her a target for sexual assaults by other inmates.
Wolf, however, found that the DOC's security concerns are "either pretextual or can be dealt with."

You're joshin' me, right Judge? Right?

Da judge ain't joshin'.

Dumbass Questions and Musings
  • "Either pretextual or can be dealt with"? Seriously? I am dumbfounded.
  • A man living as a woman in an all male prison - what could possibly go wrong?
  • A former man who is now a woman (parts, or lack thereof and all) living in an all male prison - what could possibly go wrong there?
  • Nothing says "fuck me and make me squeal" like a transgendered person serving time in a prison filled with the opposite sex.
  • While I am fairly certain that Robert/Michelle has been a prison bitch for a while now (he's been in prison since the early '90s), he doesn't realize the significance of what he's about to do.
  • Regarding the statement above, I don't care. The motherfucker is in prison for murdering his wife. Over the mascara or some shit.
  • Judge Mark Wolf is a Commie Bastard, pretextual or not and should be dealt with at the ballot box or Judicial Review Board, whatever the appropriate channels.
  • Bawney Fwank and Ted Kennedy are/were from Massivetwoshits. So is Judge Mark Wolf. Enough said.
  • Fuck Massivetwoshits.
Dumbasses.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Chinese Sex Dolls! Plus a Personal Note!

Reminder from your Fearless Leader: We are busy getting things around the Dumbass Dome (house cleaning, laundry, etc) in order today. My wife has surgery scheduled for tomorrow morning and since I will be pulling Double Parent Duty, we want things to be as organized as possible during the start of her recuperation. Therefore, I will present to you an Encore Edition of Dumbass News!

I will be back and better than ever (!) with some new stuff in a day or two depending on how Mrs. Fearless Leader's recovery is going.

Thank you for your patience, understanding, prayers and continued support. I am humbled.

Best of Dumbass News

I was goofin' around when my able assistant and wife, Mrs. Fearless Leader, was doing some searching for material for today's story. She found some OK. Boy! Did she find some! When you read this story, you'll understand why I love her - great wife, terrific Mom, outstanding cook and finder of sex doll stories extraordinaire. What's not to love?

Actually, Mrs Fearless Leader sent me only one story about a sex doll but that story has a link in it to yet another sex doll treatise. Benevolent Fearless Leader that I am, I thought that telling both of these would be a great way to celebrate TGIF.

Coincidentally, both of these tales come from China.

Sex Doll Story No. 1

A little old Chinese lady lives near a crosswalk at busy intersection and got fed up with drivers zooming by with little regard for public safety. She called the local cops who in turn did next to nothing to help alleviate the problem. More speeding drivers only caused the Little Old Lady's resolve to steel. In other words, she decided to solve the problem on her own.

I Got Nothing
Her solution? Bind a sex doll to a tree at the intersection! She was hoping that the Indy 500 wannabes would take notice of the sex doll and slow down to a reasonable speed while passing the cross walk.

No word on whether the tactic worked or not but at least one guy on a motor scooter took notice. (see photo)

Questions

As usual, I have some troubling questions to ask about the sex doll tied up to a tree at a traffic intersection with a cross walk.

Question uno: What has this old woman been smoking and can I have some?!!

Question also: Would am anatomically correct sex doll tied to a tree at a busy intersection be helpful or a hindrance? I'm going with "hindrance" on this one. While passing drivers may indeed slow down a bit, the sight of what appears to be a nekkid woman tied to a tree just might divert the drivers attention from something more important. Like, say, I don't know, maybe watching the fuck where they are going! I could be wrong. I am a Dumbass after all.

Drowning "Woman"

In Shandong (which means "plastic lover with air leak is no bueno for caca") Province, also in China, local police received a call of a woman in distress in an area river and appeared to be drowning. Ever vigilant to show their cajones by rescuing a damsel in distress, eighteen cops responded to the call. For over an hour, there eighteen short men in police uniform running about looking like an 18 man ant hill, shouting instructions to each other and keeping an eye on the victim - all this in Chinese! That must have sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks on speed.

This was an exciting moment for area residents as almost a thousand people gathered watching and cheering on the local constabulary.

Drowning Victim
Finally the moment of truth arrived and the shorts guys pulled the woman from the river. Except she wasn't a woman at all. "She" was a deflated sex doll! The gathered masses then suddenly dispersed like someone farted in Church after a long Saturday night of Generic Beer and Jack in the Box tacos.

Pffffffffffffttttttppppppppppp

We can learn a lot from these two most Dumbass News-worthy events. I don't know what the hell that might be, but I just know in my heart of hearts that we could learn something from them

Oh, yeah, I know. We have learned that police trained by Red Communist Authorities with Red Communist money are about as useful as tits on a boar hog. We also now know that short guys in police uniforms in China are lonely bastards by the way they rushed to the scene of the "drowning", hoping to be the first one to give the "lady" mouth to mouth recreation resucitation. Come to think of it, I'll bet a dollar to a donut that at least three of the cops stayed back after the matter was resolved to make sure the sex doll was "properly disposed of ", if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Better Dead Than Red

Taken in their totality, these two stories show that Communism is a miserable failure as a system of gubmint, meeting the needs of the powerful few and neglecting...woops! These stories don't prove jack shit except that the Red Communist Chinese are horny for blow up dolls. They also prove that short guys pretending to be cops, no matter how honorable their intentions, can not be trusted with a blow up doll. Even if she's deflated. The sex doll is probably the closet these poor schlubs have been to a woman in months! If not years!

Poor Commie bastards and...

...Dumbasses.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Mom Gives $10K Voucher to 7 Year Old for Boob Job!

Here's a little diddy I wrote a little over a year ago. It comes from the Dumbass News Overseas Dumbass Bureau, UK Division

Best of Dumbass News

These Puppies Need a Sweater
Boobs are wonderful things . I love boobs. They provide nourishment to millions of babies around the world as they have throughout history. They also make tremendous sweater puppies during the right time of year. Nothing like a tight sweater holdin' those puppies up and ogling like a pervert observing a wonder of Nature. But even boobs can be taken too far.

For example...there's a dumbass Mom in the UK who was thoughtful enough to give " her daughter Poppy a $10,000 voucher for breast augmentation surgery for her seventh birthday, UK tabloid Closer reports." Poppy, the daughter, is SEVEN years old and she's gonna have a rack. What the fuck is the dumbass mother thinking? There is one stipulation here. Poppy cannot get her boobs until she's 16. If she naturally develops large hooters on her own, Poppy will receive other great prizes like a computer. I have a sneaky feeling that if Poppy ends up with bigguns through the natural way, she'll end up on AOL showing them to horny men around the planet on her brand new computer!

Maybe Poppy's mom has some effect on her daughter when it comes to fake tits and such. From the article,
"The 50-year-old has supposedly dropped more than $800,000 on her own plastic surgeries and plans to have her daughter watch her next series of treatments, slated for later this year. Burge remarked, "I want Poppy to see what will happen. Some people think it's controversial and I get angry when strangers say I'm a bad mother because I don't think there's any harm in giving her this gift."She added, ( I am shocked!- ed.) "Poppy is a normal kid who is good at sports and loves playing outside. Girls don't want Snow White and Cinderella any more....I'm just supporting her and making her dreams come true." 

It's clear to me now. Fake knockers and and a few hundred grand on cosmetic surgery, on "normal kids", of course, will make them popular and successful in life. Or a hooker with fake ta-tas who is "good at sports and loves playing outside". I'll bet. 


Dumbasses.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Toilet Seats as Murder Weapons!

Best of Dumbass News

When I first saw this story I was so sick to my stomach that I nearly heaved. I mean I was thisclose || to projectile puking from here in Augusta, Maine all the way to Boston, 140 miles away. And since the Red Sox playing in Fenway Park tonight, I would have pissed off more than a few of the sellout crowd in attendance at tonight's game. Not that I care, but it still would have made somebody mad.

As I sit here writing this post on the Trashiba Laptop. I wonder just what the hell is it with the criminals in our society today? They are getting weirder and weirder by the minute, it seems.

Allow me to elucidate.

Upon Further Review...

Not only are Bad Guys still breaking into peoples' homes to steal shit, they are increasingly breaking into the homes of friends, neighbors and family members. I guess the Bad Guys are concerned that John Q. Public is probably armed with a Glock and will not hesitate to send the crook to his Maker. Therefore, the criminals are knocking over homes that they know are occupied by unarmed people, easy marks they. I have no facts to back up that assertion, it's just a not so educated guess. But I am prolly not too far off the mark here.

Another thing that made me want to vomit is the fact that criminals are growing more stoopid by the minute. In other words, we are getting a lower class of crook these days. What kind of civil society can properly exist when the dregs of said society are becoming so inept? That says a lot about all of us as Americans. Bad Crooks = Watered Down Citizens, or as I prefer to call such people, L:iberals. If this is the case, our country is doomed.

Nostalgic for Professional Bad Guys

I am forlorn at the thought that the perps of today have absolutely nothing on the crooks of yesteryear. It used to be that a guy jimmied his way into a home, stealthily went about his business and if he was interrupted by the home owner, he (the Bad Guy) would brandish a weapon, point it at the Good Guy and it was understood that gags, blindfolds and hog tying would be the order of the day. The burglar would leave with his ill-gotten gains and the home owner would wiggle his way free of his bonds and call the cops.

Deadly Weapon
Nowadays, the Bad Guys do real stoopid shit when they beak into a house - like take a bath! For real. There's this one dumbass who broke into his neighbor's house and damn near beat the neighbor to death. With. A. Toilet. Seat! And a guitar! What. The. Fuck? A toilet seat? Really? Wasn't a plunger handy? Or a loofa sponge? What a pussy. A Liberal, no doubt.

An Investment in the Future

I say we get a bunch of Old Crooks from the State Home for the Criminally Insane and Really Cool Old Crooks together and teach to day's thugs about how to properly go about committing a crime. Any crime, except murder or rape. Educate the Young Scum of today about how to carry out a burglary with dignity and professionalism - and no fucking toilet seats! Instruct them in the preferred way of conning some poor Granny out of her pension or how to rob a bank with class.

To accomplish this notable and noteworthy goal, I say we divert some tax dollars from the Department of Education to the Democrat Party! Not only would the Young Felons of America have a steady income, but upon being caught would be sent to the best Country Clubs Federal Prisons in the nation! The Democraps would be rewarded with the recidivist career criminal vote and thus maintain a firm grip on the power they so deperately crave! It's a win-win situation! Just think, these Liberals would be around for generations to come exhorting every effort known to man trying to figure out a way to control every aspect of the lives of all American Citizens and Illegal Meskins, too! Kind of like they are doing as  we speak! Yay!

That is unless the Young Scum and Future Liberals happen to break in a Granny who is packing heat. Then all bets are off and we just send these cretins to the morgue.

I feel better already! I knew if I kept writing It would cheer me up. And it did!

No toilet seat needed.

Dumbass.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Mrs. Fearless Leader to Have Surgery

Dear Dumbasses,

Circumstances here at the Dumbass Dome dictate that I take some time off.

My wife is due to have surgery in a few days and there's a lot that needs to be done around the Dome before that happens. She'll be out of commission for a couple of weeks meaning that I will be doing the Dreaded Double Parent Duty until she is back on her feet.

But fear not! I will be posting Best of Dumbass News every day until my return. I shall try to find time to write some new stuff as well, but that depends on what's going on around here. Remember, besides caring for my wife, I have 10 year old and 5 year old daughters to look after, so my hands will be pretty full.

There is, however, plenty of flat funny Dumbass News in the blog archives to keep you occupied, so be sure to look them over! You can find the archives by scrolling down and locating them in the left hand sidebar. So, please visit early and visit often!

Thank you all for your continued support. I am grateful for it and humbled by it.

Hasta la vista,
Toby
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

Buying Pot Online, Shipping It Via USPS = Bad Idea

Best of Dumbass News
Order Now!
I love the internet. I really do. If something can be done, it can be done on the world wide web, or the "3 Dub" as we international "3 Dub" blogging sensations call it.

Think about it, you look up the latest news, sports, weather, etc. You can locate long lost friends on sites like Facebook, do background checks on potential employees, do banking, buy pot...What? Yes, fellow Dumbasses, drug dealing runs amok on the internet. What in the name of the Patron Saint of the 3 Dub (Al Gore) is going on here?

Let me splain. puffpuffpasspass

Bluegrass State

High on the List of Cool Things to Do on the 3 Dub is gaming. Millions people from all over the Planet play games and make friends with others from far away places every day, even in Kentucky. The thing is that every Tom, Dick and Jim Bob with an internet connection and a $20 computer recently bought at a yard sale in the trailer park can access the web and do all kinds of stoopid shit stuff. Like buy pot from essentially a total stranger in a far away land named Cal-ee-forn-ya. My guess is that all Gomer in Kentucky knows about Cal-ee-forn-ya is what he "cyphered"from watching reruns of the Beverly Hillbillies and wondering how in the name of corn likker did they get those people in that little TV box.

Billy Wayne does, however, know weed and he has probably read, or should I say had somebody read to him, all about the killer herb grown on the Left Coast. This is where internet gaming comes in.

Johnny Jethro became friends with a Dumbass Out West by way of the Xbox Network for Idiots Who Have No Teeth or Socially Redeeming Value. So, what does Willie Duke do? He orders some pot from the Dumbass Out West - a pound to be exact - and has it shipped from Cal-ee-forn-ya to Korntucky! Via the United States Postal Service! Maybe Silas Curtis has heard this before, but Inspectors from the USPS have absolutley no sense of humor when some asswipe tries to make them look stoopid by shipping contraband across thre country by way of Snail Mail.

123 Main Street

Or was that 132 Main Street? Well, good ole Homer Goober got his pot shipped without a hitch - until it arrived in his hometown of Lawrenceburg, Kentucky. See those addresses I typed back there? At first glance, you can see where some one might get the two confused. 99% of the time this would not be a big deal. It's the 1% that is a big deal that it's a BIG DEAL. Big deal as in major prison bitch hood awaits me in The Cornhole Unit of the KY (KY! Prison bitch! bwahahahahaha) State Penis-tentiary big deal.

You see, Jimmy Jake the Internet Pot Guru lives at 123 Main Street in L-burg. BUT! The pound of pot he bought from the Dumbass Out West was delivered to 132 Main Street! The poor guy who lived a 132 Main was, to say the least, surprised when he opened the package that he thought contained that "special friend" from Big Bob's Blow Up Doll Emporium and Green Stamp Redemption Center, only to discover over $2000 worth of Latin Lettuce. After the initial shock (and a couple of bong hits) wore off, Poor Guy at 132 Main called the local constabulary and Jakey Jim was arrested and will undoubtedly be the talk of the Cornhole Unit soon.

Advice That's Too Late

As Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, the duty to counsel one of the minions on the proper way to avoid getting busted during a narcotics shipment, falls on my shoulders. It is, however, a burden that I was born to bear, so I do it freely and with great compasion.

Dude, there is a 100% guaranteed fool-proof way to avoid getting busted when shipping marijuana across state lines. Don't do it, Dumbass! Good Gawd, son. You dare to call yourself a loyal member of the Dumbass Nation and pull stunts like this? Next time you decide you want or need an LB, grow it yourself! Do I have to tell you how to do illegal shit every. single. time? I am your Fearless Leader, not your fucking nanny.

Growing your own weed in Kentucky shouldn't be that difficult to do and keep it on the down low. Think about it. Take away the populations of Louisville and Lexington and how many people actually live in Kentucky? Four? Five? Six, tops. See where I am going here? There aren't enough people in the whole damn state (minus L & L) who would give a shit whether or not you farm a little "Blue Grass". Why take a chance on getting popped for interstate pot selling and buying when you can grow it right out in your own Back 40?

To be sure, I am not advocating that any member of the Dumbass Community do something stoopid like grow pot (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough) Shipping your stash through the United States Postal Service, though,  is something that I highly recommend against. 

So, it's off to the Big House for Frankie Joe where his new nick name (besides "Fresh Meat") will be "Xbox Live". And I'm sure his "Xbox" will be thoroughly "360"ed on a regular basis.

The guy is an afront to good, honest, hard-working dope-smoking hillbillies everywhere.

Dumbass.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Guy Farts, Neighbor Threatens to Shoot Him!

Best of Dumbass News

Fearless Leaders lead. That's what I do for you every day. I lead you. I lead you into the depths of human depravity and dumbassery. I must say, however, that this blog can be educational as well. Today for example, we will study etymology. Wikipedia defines etymology thusly, "the study of the history of words, their origins, and how their form and meaning have changed over time." 

The word we'll take a look at today is one that is used and actually practiced daily here at the Dumbass Dome. The word is "fart". I know it will come as a surprise to many of you that your Fearless Leader would engage in such juvenile vulgarity. (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough) Moving right along...

As we all know, "farting", or in the vernacular, "letting one rip", "here's a kiss for you" or "cutting the cheese", is the process in which digestive gasses are forced through the anus at super sonic speeds. This type of "fart" is often referred to as a "gasser". Men are the main emitters of such farts, truck drivers being the most notable. My Old Man was a trucker for over 40 years and, believe you me, I know a gasser when I hear one.

Females, on the other hand, "fluff" or "poot" when they emit anal gas., with "fluff" being the quieter of the two types of farting.

How "Fart" Came About

Not being an expert in etymology, I have turned to others more knowledgeable than I. A brief look at the word "fart" from Wiktionary informs us:

Etymology

Pronunciation

Verb

fart (third-person singular simple present farts, present participle farting, simple past and past participle farted)
  1. (informal, mildly vulgar) To emit digestive gases from the anus; to flatulate.
  2. (colloquial, usually as "fart around") To waste time with idle and inconsequential tasks; to go about one's activities in a lackadaisical manner; to be lazy or over-relaxed in one's manner or bearing.
Edified yet?

An Almost Gone Gasser

On the surface Daniel Collins of Teaneck, New Jersey looks any other 72 year old would-be felon galavanting around the city. Recently, however, Daniel erased "would-be" from his resume. Although not yet convicted by a jury of his peers, Collins' likely destination in the very near future is Prison Bitchville.

This Guy Hates Farts
You see, Dirty Dan had an ongoing dispute going on with one of his neighbors when the feud erupted. Literally. The neighbor was coming home from a drunken night of heavy crack cocaine usage when he was strolling by Dan's apartment door. As he was meandering through the hallways of Teaneck's finest soon-to-be condemned slum, he had the urge to fart. So he did. It was this gaseous emission that sent Daniel Collins over the edge.

Upon hearing the fartage from his passing neighbor, good ol' Dan rush to his dresser drawer and grabbed a handgun! He then confronted the fartor while brandishing said firearm and threatened to "put a hole" in his head. Letting one ripin public is certainly not very courteous, but "putting a hole" in the gasser's head is a bit of a harsh reaction when a simple "quit the fucking farting in the hallway, you uncivilized asshole" would have sufficed. Geez, some fucking people. But at least this is the USA, Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, where a man can still fart without fear of persecution from the Gubmint. A deranged neighbor may blow your shit away, but you can still fart free!

It goes without saying that Dan was arrested and believe it or not, released from jail on his own recognizance! What. The. Hell!

Justice awaits Dan "The Man" Collins. If there is any Justice (and irony) in the world, he'll get the gas chamber.

Dumbass.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Hand Sanitizer: The New Vodka for Dumbasses

Why didn't I think of this when I was a Professional Drinker?

Drunks or addicts are always looking for a new cheap way to get high. They resort to over the counter medications like Sudafed, Nyquil or even mouthwash in order to get a buzz. I am sure you have heard of this.

Just yesterday, however, I discovered a way to get a buzz on that would not in a million years have crossed my mind, and now that I know about it, still wouldn't do it. But it's a novel idea nonetheless.

The latest "magic elixir"? Hand sanitizer. Yes, that stuff you wash your hands with to get all those pesky viruses and other bad shit off of them. Not only does hand sanitizer rid your hands of bacteria that could make you sick, it packs quite a wallop evidently.

DUI

Clean Hands & a Clean Liver
A lady gets pulled over while driving because she was all over the road and nearly hit a parked car. Upon  approaching the lady, the office who pulled her over smelled alcohol. The lady denied that she had been drinking. At least she hadn't been drinking likker. She had been slammin' down hand sanitizer!

According to the Daily Mail, upon further review, she later admitted to downing half of a large bottle of hand sanitizer.
Medical experts said a 20z bottle of the liquid contains about the equivalent in alcohol of four vodka shots.
Wilcox, from Middlebury, Connecticut, is thought to have drank the equivalent of 32 shots giving her blood alcohol level of 0.17
In an interview with News 8 Wilcox, who decline to have her photograph taken, admitted to drinking hand sanitizer.
She said: 'I just saw it there so I drank it.'
When asked how much she drank, she replied: 'Half a bottle.'
She told the TV station she drank from a big bottle but after being charged with DUI said it was the last time.

Observations 
  • Hand sanitizer? Really?
  • Why?
  • Cheap vodka is only about seven bucks a bottle and tastes much better, I'm sure.
  • It was "just there"? Clorox Bleach is "just there", but I can assure you that I have absolutely no inclination to grab a shot glass and go to town on it.
  • If it's that good, why stop at half a bottle? Only amateur drinkers do this. Go for the Big Time, baby! Slam the whole damn bottle!   
  • How many hospital workers feel the urge to knock back a few shots of hand sanitizer while on duty? That shit is everywhere in hospitals and those people are under a tremendous amount of stress.
  • I will now take a Breathalyzer with me to all doctor visits and the occasional trip to the hospital. 
  • This is what happens when you live in a Communist State like Connecticut.
  • This calls for immediate Hand Sanitizer Control measures.
  • When they outlaw hand sanitizer, only outlaws will have hand sanitizer.
  • They can pry my hand sanitizer from my cold dead hands.
  • Does Rite Aid have this stuff on sale?
Dumbass.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

One Legged Old Man Attacked With Cucumber!

I am taking a day or two off. Enjoy the Best of Dumbass News!

I am a firm believer in a theory that my Dad taught me when I was a very young dumbass. "Do it right the first time and you ain't gotta do it again". Dad was right. Too often today I see young folks doing a half ass job on some chore (my own children included) and then whadaya know (!), they end up re-doing it until it's done right. Dumbasses. Now when I say "do it right the first time..." I am talking about criminals too. For instance, don't take a knife to a gun fight. Or...if you're gonna commit a crime and the punishment is jail time, do a crime that's worthy of jail time! If you are gonna assault somebody, for example, do it right the first time.

Dumbass Assault Weapon
Let me splain.

Some dumbass broad from Florida was recently arrested for assaulting a one-legged old man in a HoverRound...with a cucumber salad! This is a piss poor way of committing an assault. Proper assault of a one-legged old man tools include baseball bats, tire irons, brass knuckles, etc. I personally prefer the Charles Bronson Method of Using a roll of quarters in a sock, but then again I am Old School when it comes to assault, especially on One Legged Old Men in a HoverRound. Notice that cucumber salad is nowhere to be found on that list. "Do it right the first time..." Do I have to teach you dumbasses everything?

Long story short, the stoopid bitch was charged with a couple of felonies and, if convicted, could face several years behind bars and a bright future as "fresh meat" in a state prison, where cucumber salads are in short supply, broom handles aren't, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Who knows? We may even see this dipshit on late night Cinemax in one of those "Women in Chains" movies. But let's all pray that we don't.

If only she'd done "it right the first time".

Dumbass.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Guy Slaps Cop: Cop Beats Hell Out of Guy - W/ Cop Baton Fu Video!

They were celebrating Oktoberfest in South Philadelphia when a group of Dumbasses were spitting at passersby, throwing beer at celebrants, picking fights and generally being assholes.

Then the cops came.

One of the tough guys slapped a cop. Hilarity and a good beat down with a police baton ensued.


Dumbass.

***Hat Tip Pat Dollard***

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Car Holding $425,000 Worth of Pot Hijacked!

Herb
Best of Dumbass News 

Boy, have I got a doozy of a dumbass story for you today. If the dumbass were any thicker in this story, you could cut it with a knife. So, let's get to slicin'.

A man and a woman recently took off from Utah heading across the country to North Carolina. However, this was no ordinary cross country cruise. On the leg of their trip that found them in Wyoming, the couple was carjacked by three men in a red SUV. "That's terrible!," you're thinking. Yes and no. It's terrible that the two were carjacked, but not as terrible as you might suspect. You see, our two lovers were hauling over $425,000 worth of pot from Utah to North Carolina. Not only did they get carjacked, but almost a half million dollars worth of pot was stolen along with their car! Dumbasses. This constitutes a bad day if you are a drug dealer. Totin' over four hundred "large" worth of weed for over 2000 miles is stupid enough, but when you get carjacked and your Latin Lettuce is taken, too, we are getting dangerously close to dumbass territory. One would think that having been the victim of this crime and somebody's very large cargo of chronic is stolen from you, it seems like this might be a good time to thank God that you are alive, despite being more stupid than a rat's asshole, cut your losses and get as far away as possible from the guy who entrusted you with $425,000 worth of Meskin Marlboros. The Pot Guy just might be a smidgen miffed when he's told his pot has been stolen from his trustworthy couriers. Why he might even be mad enough to, oh, I don't know, KILL SOMEONE!!! When the Pot Guy finds out that you called the Police to report the carjacking, I've got this sneaky suspicion that he'll become even more unhinged over this turn of events.

Have you ever noticed when reading about or watching one of those cop shows, that only dumbasses haul large quantities of drugs around? I mean aside from the fact that hauling large amounts of contraband is a dumbass thing to do anyway. These two dumbasses got carjacked, but I have read a hundred times that so many of these losers get pulled over for the most minor of offenses - not using a turn signal, a brake light is out, speeding...you get the idea. But the two dumbass pot haulers in this story get carjacked, lose the pot to the other bad guys and call the cops to report the carjacking, never once (apparently) thinking that the cops might find over $400,000 worth of ganja is their car? The couple and one of the other bad guys were arrested and put in a Wyoming jail.

This has to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard in my life. I'm sitting here as I type this, still wondering what. the. fuck.?! These two goofballs give even drug runners a bad name.

 Dumbasses.

***Photo from LA Times***

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Another Tattoo, Another Prison Bitch

A Tattoo is Worth 1000 Words
Best of Dumbass News
 
I have never been one for tattoos, on me at least. I have seen some tats that look real good...on other people. I don't begrudge those who have "body art" on their persons because some times the tattoos lead to a perfect Dumbass News story, like this one. After reading that post, you just had to know that another tattooed dumbass would eventually come down the pike. Lo, it is that time.

Unlike the dumbass in the link above who got his tattoo to win a radio contest, today's dumbass, Anthony Garcia, got his ink because he KILLED somebody. What could possibly go wrong with that? I mean other than the fact that he could get arrested at a later time and the "confession" in his tattoo would get him convicted of murder.

Yahoo! News has the story and from it we get this clip, "Back in 2004, Lloyd had been working as a sergeant at the Pico Rivera station when he was called to the scene of a shooting outside a liquor store, in which 23-year-old John Juarez was gunned down. The murder was never solved.
But Lloyd quickly realized that the tattoo on Garcia's chest showed the scene. It wasn't just the image of the liquor store itself. It was the artistic details: the Christmas lights on the roof; the street lamp in the corner; and the murder victim depicted as a peanut, which is a gang terminology for a rival gang member. And above it all was a banner reading "Rivera Kills"—a reference to the Rivera-13 gang." What. A. Dumbass.

The cops found and arrested Garcia and threw his dumb ass in the lockup. The cops also placed another "prisoner" in the cell with Garcia. but this "prisoner" was actually an undercover policeman who just happened to be wired so any conversation he had with Garcia could be recorded and used as evidence against him at trial. Being a typical dumbass gangbanger, Garcia started singing like Old Blue Eyes Hisownself, with each syllable being carefully recorded by the heat.

Long story short, Garcia the Pendejo was tried and convicted of murder because of a fucking tattoo! Well, that and the small matter of murder. So Tony is now a long-term guest of the State and a booty call for many inmates that have "needs". After all, felons are only human.

Dumbass.

Hat tip to Mark the Brother


Friday, October 12, 2012

Dumbass Gets Into Fight With Stop Sign!

People fight for the damnedest reasons. We have covered many of them here on Dumbass News.

The reasons for altercations are often hilarious. Take, for example, the story of the girl the girl who beat up her boyfriend because he didn't want to have sex with her when she was as horny as a fresh-fucked fox in a forest fire.

Facebook is at he root of many fights as well. One stoopid comment on face book caused thirty women to riot! One comment, one riot. I guess that OK.

Sometimes it's not the reason for the fight, it's the fight itself. Like the time a cop in Denver was smackin' his girlfriend around. When she finally got a chance to fight back, she did - with a Justin Bieber doll! beat the hell outta the sumbitch with it. bwahahahahahaha Good for her!

On other occasions, it's the object of a Dumbass' ire that's the funny part of a story.

Like this guy in Roswell, New Mexico.

UFO - Unidentified Fighting Object

Victim
Roswell Police recently answered a call about a fight. A fight between a Dumbass and a stop sign. You read that right, a stop sign!

The cops arrived on the scene to find Raymond Garcia dukin' it out with a a stop sign. UPI tells us, Police said Garcia was belligerent and attempted to flee from the officers. The arrest report said two officers shot Garcia with Taser darts, but he broke them off from his stomach and kicked at the officers.

"Usually when somebody is tased, their muscles contract and don't allow them to do anything, and that's why you normally see them fall to the ground," Sabrina Morales of the Roswell   Police Department said.


Garcia was also doused with pepper spray, but he wiped it from his face and kept fighting, police said. They said he managed to grab an officer's baton and attempted to use it to fight police. 


High As a Kite

I think we can surmise at this point that Raymond was higher than a Roswell flying saucer. Whatever he was on, I don't want near me. That shit'll kill you. I mean the guy ripped taser cables out of his body, wiped pepper spray from his eyes and disarmed a cop without blinking an eye. Holy shit!

All I know is that Raymond Garcia is lucky to be alive, thanks to the professionalism of the cops on the scene.

No word on the condition of the stop sign. Heh.

Dumbass.


Thursday, October 11, 2012

More Fun-Filled Dumbass Newspaper Headlines! - Part Deux

Since we had so much fun earlier, let's do it again!

Here's another edition Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!











I bet the cougar enjoyed that!









If you can't beat 'em....









I bet that was real hard to do.










I'm sure the Colonel would be proud.









Does that mean wear less pink?










A true Hero!

Dumbasses.

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