Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: November 2012 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Friday, November 30, 2012

Dumbass Newspaper Classified Ads!

A couple of years ago, I started a feature  on Dumbass News called Dumbass Newspaper Headlines. DNH was so popular that I decided to make them a regular part of the blog.

Last night I was considering writing a new post of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines, when all of the sudden I thought about a little blurb I saw in a small town Texas newspaper about twenty years ago. This long ago and faraway memory got me to thinking that newspapers have some pretty damn funny stuff in them besides the stoopid headlines. Of course, there's the occasional typo that completely alters the intended meaning of a sentence, but there is also another very important part of a newspaper that can provide an unintentional belly laugh - the classified ads!

With this in mind, I used my Fearless Leader Google Fu and came upon some damn funny classifieds floating around the ether. AmIageniusorwhat?

So, Fellow Dumbasses, without further ado, I present to you the Very First Edition of Dumbass Newspaper Classified Ads!

Keep in mind that these are actual ads run in actual newspapers all across the country.

The Ads
    
Dammit! I was looking for a used tombstone that said"Smith".
--------------------------------------------------------------

 
Winter time can be awful lonely in Boise.
---------------------------------------------------




 
I want some of what this guy's smokin'.
--------------------------------------------------


Well that narrows down the search!
----------------------------------------------------


Throw in a young stripper and it's a deal.
---------------------------------------------------------


  

Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.
--------------------------------------------

Just in case you are ever chased by a dog in a foreign country. Or a foreign dog for that matter.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


That's the Christmas Spirit!
------------------------------------------------




This must be an ad for Bud's Medical Center.
----------------------------------------------
And last but not least...



Wanna go shopping, Ladies?

Dumbasses.

***Special Thanks to 11Points.com & jayp.net for the Ads!***

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Lady That Sells Lingerie Gets Fired for Having Big Boobs!

Replay of Dumbass News

If you have read Dumbass News for any period of time longer than about ten minutes, you know that I am against discrimination in any way, shape or form. Except when it's necessary to the plot. Or against the Fwench. The Fwench deserve derision and scorn at every turn. But, I digress.

Discriminating against any person, except the Fwench of course, because of religion, race, national origin, creed, large hooters, etc. is a crime against humanity. Especially being discriminatory against a big rack.

Which brings us to today's story.

The Bigguns in Question
Fired Because of Heat Seeking Missiles

Lauren Odes is a young woman from New Jersey who just happens to be shall we say, "well-endowed". No, we shall not. We shall say that Lauren has very large knockers. It's these females appendages that are the source of Ms. Odes' problem.

Lauren was fired from her job because her heat seekers are too big. I know, this is the worst form of discrimination possible. Look at all the joy and comfort that titties have brought into the world since the time of Adam and Eve. Think about it. Babies had to have something to eat, right? Another example of boobs being of benefit to mankind, children specifically, is the story of the nice strippers who tried to help out a Los Angeles Little League Baseball team.

I guess I should now mention that Ms. Odes and her hammers worked for a sexy lingerie store! I thought the idea of sexy underwear for women was to show a female's assets. Am I wrong?

Disturbing Questions

Question 1) What do the owners of the "Almost Nekkid Lady Shop "have against massive breastses?

Question 2) Note that is an important part of the story: The owners of the "Almost Nekkid Lady Shop" are Orthodox Jews. That is a pertinent fact of the story. Why? Because there is evidently a dress code of some sort for Orthodox Jewish wimmin and Lauren was expected to follow that dress code. She was given a bathrobe to cover her chestictular protrusions and felt insulted, so she went shopping to buy clothing that complied with the Orthodox Jewish Wimmin dress code. She was then notified on her cell phone that she had been relieved of her duties as an almost nekkid lady lingerie sales person. It is also essential to note that Lauren Odes is a Jew as well. Not Orthodox, but Jewish nonetheless. Now the question; what do the Orthodox Jews have against New Jersey-size hooters?

Question 3) If the bidness that Lauren worked for sold sexy lingerie, wouldn't great big tits be a valuable sales tool? Tools?

Lauren Hires a Publicity Hound

I was gonna subtitle this section of the story "Lauren Hires a Publicity Whore", but the publicity whore Lauren hired is Gloria Allred and Ms. Allred has no compunction about sueing a guy like me for calling her a publicity whore. So, I won't call call G-Red a publicity whore in order to avoid any possible litigation. However! Gloria can not sue me for thinking that she is a publicity whore. Therefore, I think Gloria Allred is a publicity whore.


Ms. Allred, whom I think is a PR hooker whore, is an excellent choice in Lauren's pursuit of Justice against the Orthodox Jewish guys who hate big bosoms and terminate female employees who are blessed with a substantial rack. Gloria Allred, when representing a wronged woman, is like a pit bull on a T-bone. Vicious and umstoppable.

As much as I think Ms. Allred is a publicity whore, I am actually on her side this time. She has taken up a case worthy of litigation and will be certainly prevail against the Orthodox Jewish Guys Who Hate Big Boobs in a court of law. And deservedly so.

Good luck to Lauren and her heat seekers.

As for the Orthodox Jewish Guys Who Dislike Bodacious Ta-tas...

Yutzis.

Dumbasses.

***Thanks to the Daily Mail for the Photo***

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Cam Hidden in JCPenney Ladies Room! By an Illegal Alien!

Public restrooms ain't what they used to be. Hell, restrooms in general ain't so hot these days.

Many years ago, Texaco used an advertising strategy that featured their always-clean johns. It was something the traveling public wanted, so Texaco gave it to 'em. When you are looking to buy a home, adequate "facilities" are near the top of the list of important features your new home must have. See where I am going with this?

These days, toilets in public places and businesses, even toilets in homes don't always fall into a category that one might reasonably call sanitary or private. Port-o-potties? Don't even get me going on those things. Dumbasses all over the country have taken to giving bath rooms a dirty name.

Remember the guy who did some doo doo diving in a portable toilet? There's also the story of the shit for brains who ripped a toilet seat from its mounts and set out to murder another guy! Even the loo in the largest retailer in the world, WalMart, is not immune from dumbassery. What about when you go into the can to poop and there ain't no toilet paper? That happened to a guy at a Motel 6 and he went on a destructive rampage!

Another Toilet Horror Story 

At a JCPenney store in West Palm Beach, Florida, the Loss Prevention Officer at the West Palm Beach Store noticed the ceiling fan in the [ladies]bathroom was dislodged just after 9 a.m, Monday and a closer examination revealed a cellphone aimed toward the bathroom's toilets was recording video!

Naturally the cops were notified and responded to the call.

When the cops got to JCPenney, the Loss Prevention Chick told them that she had a suspect in mind with regards to this incident. After a great deal of intensive detective-ing, the cops came up with a brilliant idea - go to the Personnel Department and review the suspect's job application for some information that might help nab the bastard. Guess what they found on the job app? Yes! A cell phone number! They called it. The cell phone in the ladies' room rang! Busted!

No El Got-o El Green Card-o

Further investigation revealed that the owner of the cell phone, Rafael Dieguez, was not Rafael Dieguez at all! He was actually Rafael's brother, Marco Bartolon-Velasquez! But wait, there's more! Marco Bartolon-Velasquez is...wait...for...it...an illegal alien!

Bartolon-Velasquez, who has been in the United States illegally for four years, said he was using his brother's name for "employment purposes" and was using the cell phone cam to ensure that his fellow employees were doing their jobs properly. Har har.

Hold on, this gets even better.

The vato admitted to have been filming activity in the ladies' room since last Christmas! He also stated to the police that he had never recorded anything in the mens' room. I'll bet.<---dripping with sarcasm

The pendejo was arrested and is awaiting trial... and prison bitchery.

No driver's license for him!

Dumbass News Toilet Safety PSA 

As we plow into the Christmas shopping season at breakneck speed, keep this story (and the stories at the links) in mind the next time you gotta take a whiz in the toilet of a fine retail merchant near you.

You never know what's going on behind those doors.

Smile! You're on Candid Camera!

Happy shopping!

Dumbass.


Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Woman Refuses Money for Sex, Gets Slapped by Penis!

2012 has given us a bumper crop of Dumbasses, once again making it an extremely close race in the quest for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford (that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period) Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award. And just when things started to sort themselves out in this year's competition, along comes Fred Thomas of Cushing, Maine throwing a monkey wrench into the Dumbass of the Year (DoY) selection process.

Your Source for Penis News in Maine
What's Fearless Leader to do?

As a "You Big Dummy" Selection Committee of One, the enormous burden of  making the right choice for DoY falls squarely and heavily upon my shoulders. Fred Thomas has made this task infinitely more difficult.

The Scenario  
  1. Fred separates from his wife of 39 years.
  2. Wife runs into difficult times.
  3. In order to make it through said difficult times, wife of 39 years moves back in with Fred. 
  4. Fred wants to have sex with estranged wife and offers her $20 to give him some.
  5. Wife says, "No nookie", which angers Fred.
  6. Angry Fred pulls out his goober and slaps the wife with it!
  7. Wife calls cops after penis assault.
From israelsurvivalupdates.com by way of the Bangor Daily News, the story continues: Fred E. Thomas pleaded guilty to 180 days in jail with all but five days suspended and was placed on probation for a year for domestic violence assault and indecent conduct.   A third charge of unlawful sexual contact was dismissed. 

Defense Attorney Justin Andrus said Thomas was tremendously upset that his marriage of 39 years was ending.   He said his estranged wife was planning to go to Pakistan to meet a man she met online.   “This was not his normal conduct,” Andrus told Justice Jeffrey Hjelm during the sentencing hearing in Knox County Superior Court.   Assistant District Attorney Christopher Fernald asked for Thomas to serve seven days in jail, while Andrus asked for just probation and no jail time.
Hjelm said a jail term was appropriate in this case.   “This was sexually aggressive conduct.   This couldn’t be much more offensive,” Hjelm said.   The wife did not seek jail time for Thomas but did ask that he undergo counseling for anger management, which was ordered.
  
Fearless Leader's Observations
  • It is not a good idea to move back in with someone you have left in the ash heap of failed marriages.
  • The above is especially true if you have found another love interest - particularly if the new love interest is a camel fucker from Pakistan. Google "women's rights rights in Pakistan". The camel he screws has more rights than his woman. I'm just sayin'.
  • It's bad form to offer your soon-to-be ex-wife twenty bucks for sex.
  • It is egregiously bad form to pull out your thang and cockslap your soon-to-be ex-wife when she says no to your most generous offer of carnal pleasures.
  • The wife is an idiot.
  • The Judge is right - “This was sexually aggressive conduct.   This couldn’t be much more offensive.
  • Being slapped in the face by a penis is not one of those times to turn the other cheek. Unless you are into that kind of shit.
  • I have been to Rockland, Maine (where this story took place) and have never once been threatened by a menacing penis.  
  • Why are so many penises in the news these days?
  • Fred is a finalist for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford (that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period) Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award.
Dumbass.






 







Monday, November 26, 2012

End of the War on Terror? Brazilian Dr: Sex w/Animals Will Give Jihadis Weenie Cancer!

From November 14, 2011

A recent story published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine has inadvertently given us the weapon we need to effectively end the war on terror! We, the USA, have spent hundreds of billions of dollars on weapons systems so technologically advanced that we were blinded by the obvious. Animals. Yes, those animals. Let me splain.

The Splainin' Part

Lookin' for Love
The JSM released the results of recent study that concluded that men who have sex with animals (yes, those animals) are twice as likely as men who don't boff our furry friends to get penis cancer. Until I read this article, I had never heard of cancer of the weenie. Gazebo cancer, sure, but never cancer of Mr. Willy. The Huffington Post ran the story in more detail, but I don't care about that shit. But I will pull a couple of quotes from it in a bit.

First, as you can imagine, I have some questions about this study. Who the hell would even think of doing such a study? Some dumbass Brazilian doctor that's who. Brazilians are sick bastards sure, but a study about slippin' the sausage to cocker spaniels? That's just fucking wrong. In order to conduct this study, Dr. Zequi (the Head Man Fucking Animal Observer) needed funding from somewhere. But from where? Private donations? Taxpayers? Gubmint grants? Can and bottle deposits? Inquiring dumbasses want to know dammit!

Now to the perhaps the most obvious and important question regarding screwing beasts of burden. Actually, it's a two parted entreaty. Part 1: What in the name of all that is Holy would give somebody the idea to study men critter-boinking aardvarks? Was Dr. Z sound asleep one night and suddenly leapt out of bed and shout, "Eureka! For my next project I am going to do a study on human-animal sex and the possibility that it could cause cancer of the schlong!" 
Part 2: Where did the good doctor find volunteers for this idiocy? San Francisco? Prison? The Home for the Criminally Insane? PETA? It couldn't have been an easy task to find men willing to go through with it. Except in San Francisco.

Concerned citizens were very active in giving advice to animal pokin' men. Take, for instance, a HuffPo reader that is all about mad monkey sex...literally. Here's a portion of his email to HuffnPuff  "A member of a pro-zoophilia group told The Huffington Post by email that the results of the study should prompt people to take precautions, like using a condom, when having sex with animals. She added that it was unlikely to deter diehard zoophiles. "They might become more cautious," said Sallie Graves, "but they wouldn't change their nature." That's your typical PuffHo patron right there, folks. I would throw caution into the wind and bet a dollar to a donut that this particular emailer will not be voting Republican in the next presidential election. I have a real good joke to insert here but it's pretty out there, so I'll just give you a hint about it instead. Zoophilia, Obama, the First Wookie. I'm just sayin'.

War on Terror

I started this post off with a deal to end the war on terror. I have expertly lead you this far to get the answer with my unassailable logic and reasoning and because you are dumbass enough to read this far. Anyway...Through anecdotal evidence, we have learned that terrorists are very "friendly" with their farm animals. I have actually seen a video from an American fighter jet on a sortee to bomb the shit out of the bad guys one night and through their FLIR (Forward Looking Infrared Radar) camera they caught a bad guy getting penis cancer from a donkey! If you know what I mean and I think you do. So the end of the War on Terror would come about in no time if we just dropped millions of packets of Viagra to the Splodey Dopes. They take the tool hardener and all of the sudden old Bessie the milk cow is lookin' pretty. Damn. Good. A romantic evening ensues, the dirty deed is done and the dumbass bad guy has dick cancer! Soon, his willie will fall off, he'll die a slow, painful, miserable death and Satan will welcome him to his 72 raisins virgins. Is that a brilliant plan or what?

There is one slight problem with my plan to win the War on Terror, however. A survey of horny Iranian men concluded that out of every ten, only two preferred women. Camels beware!

Dumbasses.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Dramatic Police Raid! At the Wrong House!

Best of Dumbass News

Useful Crime Fighting Tool
99.9% of the time exposing the dumbassery around us is a labor of love for me and I find it quite enjoyable and somewhat therapeutic. But! The other 0.1% of the time, shedding light on such stoopidshittedness is a painful thing for me. Alas, today is one of those extremely difficult occasions that fall into that 0.1%. No matter how excruciating it may be, I am duty bound by my obligation as Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde to bring you all dumbassery, no matter its source.

Disclaimer

I hate the word "disclaimer". So many times it means nothing more than wussing out. For example, when you are watching TV and you see a commercial for, let's say, a weight loss product. The announcer excitedly tells heavy folks that "The Skinny Pill" is nothing short of miraculous as the video of the ad shows "Sandy T." from Salt Lake City holding the size 83 pants she wore before taking "The Skinny Pill'. Sandy T. from SLC then drops the size 83s to reveal a babe who is now a size 0 (zero)! "The Skinny Pill" really is a miracle of modern science! Or maybe not. While Sandy T. may have lost a ton or two, if you look at the fine print at the bottom of your screen as the commercial runs, you'll see phrases like "not typical results" and "use The Skinny Pill as part of an exercise and diet program in consultation with your doctor". "The Skinny Pill" may indeed help fat people lose weight, but there's a lot more to slimming down than you actually hear in the ad's audio.

That fine print that reveals "The Skinny Pill" as a small component of weight loss is called a "disclaimer". Or as I like to call it, "The Wussing Out Clause". Do you now understand why I despise the word "disclaimer"? It's a wussy word.

I Hate This Part

Having said all that, I must now swallow a bitter pill and issue a disclaimer of my own. (Damn, this leaves a bad taste in my mouth)

What I am about to write is in no way, shape or form meant to be derogatory to law enforcement personnel anywhere in this country. I am merely sharing with you a story that shows that cops are human beans too and are prone to do stoopid shit just like the rest of us. In cases like this, it is imperative that I report as fully and accurately as possible on the facts of the dumbassery you are about to witness. Dumbassery committed by cops.

So, let's see what these dumbass lawmen did! Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!

The Sting That Wasn't

I can only imagine the amount of detailed planning that goes into a police raid intended to catch some real bad people. Although, by the time I am done with this story, I may learn firsthand how much detailed planning goes into one of these raids.

Down in Massivetwoshits (that would be where Boston is), a group of highly trained men with the most advanced technology in the world at their disposal, were seconds away from executing a meticulously conceived law enforcement operation designed to capture a very bad man. There they stood, just outside the location where they would burst in screaming like a pack of hyenas with bottle rockets shoved in their asses (the hyenas, not the cops....geez), carrying weapons that cause mere mortals to poop their pants when confronted with them, then grabbing the bad guy and Justice would be served.

This team of men, among the best in the world at what they do, carried out their mission without a hitch. Except for one thing. They raided the wrong place! Holy cow! For about 45 minutes, the cops detained a woman, while her 3 year old daughter cried in another room, before realizing that WOOPS!, missed it by that much! The guy they were looking for was in an apartment a few doors down. So, like true professionals, the fuzz apologized to the lady, went on about their business and later busted the real criminal.

What to Do?

A situation like this is kind of like toothpaste that's been squeezed out of the tube. It's out and it ain't going back in. What else could the law guys do? The mess had been made and they didn't have any toothpaste left. All they could do was go get a "new tube of toothpaste", meaning rectify the dumbassery at hand and do what they had set out to do: get the bad guy. Or they could've ordered pizza and beer and stayed put. Naaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

This story just goes to prove that even the most qualified, best equipped, best prepared and bravest among us can sometimes be no higher up the Ladder of Evolution than the lowest of the low, the most pitiful of the pitiful or even the Fwench. Yes, friends, this group of special men can, just like the rest of us, be....

....Dumbasses.

Is that a knock at my door? Nevermind. The guy at the door had the wrong apartment.  :)

Saturday, November 24, 2012

The Moose, the Swing Set & the Dumbass

Best of Dumbass News

I am glad that HuffPo has a staff of millions and many of them have nothing better to do than surf the inter tubes looking for "weird news". You see HuffPo's "Weird News" often translates to Fearless Leader's Dumbass News. So, it's cool that they have the manpower to find all this stuff and I can steal it from them. Of course, I don't plagiarize them, I simply report on it from a different angle than they do. They see "Weird News", I see Dumbassery.

So, credit where credit is due and all that, thanks for today's story idea, HuffPo.

Moose-sylvania
Fluffy the Moose

As you know, I live in Maine. Up here there is abundant wildlife for viewing and occasionally running into - literally. There are frequent stories in the local news that tell about some poor person driving through the country side in their automobile and BAM! Ford meets moose. Moose wins. Sort of. People get killed by colliding with moose up here on a regular basis. Look, a bull moose tips the scales at about a ton. That's two thousand pounds of bull moose smashing into a 2500 pound car.

It's a mess.

Even if you simply come across a moose in the wild, they can be not so sociable and they can hurt you. bad. As in kill you dead. As. A. Doornail. There are occasional news stories about a wild moose straying onto a college campus or even a shopping mall in Maine, usually Bangor or Portland. College mooses sometimes become unofficial mascots of that particular campus.

Of course, if you live out in the woods or in a rural setting, encountering a moose is not that big of deal as long as you are cautious and keep your distance. Like any wild animal, once a moose loses his fear of people, he's a dangerous sonuvabitch.

Back Yard Bullwinkle

Today's Dumbass Moose Story doesn't, however, take place in Maine. It happened just outside Ogden, Utah.

From HuffPo: "A moose was freed from a strange backyard entanglement thanks to a brave Utah deputy and a pair of cutters.
Sgt. Lane Findlay found himself face to face with the moose whose antlers were wrapped up in a backyard swing set this weekend.
The Weber County Sheriff's deputy got the call Sunday and responded to a residential community outside Ogden, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City. He said the moose appeared in distress, and was bleeding.
Findlay said he handed his mobile phone to an onlooker and asked the person to shoot video, telling him, "If something happens to me, give this to my wife."

Oh, what a Dumbass, let me count the ways...
  1. The officer, while doing an admirable, if stoopid thing, is not a trained Wildlife Guy. Unless you count the hookers in Ogden, Utah as wildlife.
  2. He should have waited for the Game Warden to assess the situation and act accordingly.
  3. The moose was tangled up. "Tangled up" meaning "trapped', "cornered", "unable to flee". Bad mojo.
  4. The second most important word in the paragraph above is "distressed". A "distressed" moose is 2000 pounds of deadly fur if provoked or even if he thinks he's being jacked with.
  5. The most important word, and by "most important" I mean BIG RED FLAG WARNING DANGER CAUTION DO NOT FUCK WITH TANGLED UP MOOSE word is BLEEDING! I think we can all surmise that a trapped, distressed, bleeding moose is not a critter to agitate any further.
  6. One wrong move and the "give this to my wife" moment will be your last moment on this planet and of breathing other peoples' air.
  7. The cop is a Dumbass.
From the mouths of Dumbasses, "I just made the decision to go in there and see what I could do," he said Wednesday. "Fortunately, the moose was tired and it didn't seem threatened." What. The. Fuck.
See 1 - 7 above.

More from the cop: "Pretty crazy stuff," he said. "This is certainly a first for me, and hopefully a last."

I. Am. Speechless.

Almost.

Dumbass.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Global Warming Causes Mental Illness, Wacky Canadians & 4 Pissed Off Women

A Dumbass Salute to You!
Best of Dumbass News 
 
Thank you Dumbasses in 142 (now152- ed)countries around the world for making the last two weeks the best ever for Dumbass News! I truly believe that because you are a tasteless bastard living in your mother's basement, or you are a fucking alcohol addled hobo getting free WiFi from the library located near your cardboard box "shelter", it is you that has put this blog in its current bottom feeding almost lofty status. Then again, it is my brilliant, incisive observations, or as my late Dad used to say, bullshit, that brings us all together. On the other hand, your continued support has proven to me that you are an honest-to-God mentally defective degenerate. I say that with love, so hit the Tip Jar (the "Donate" button) in the top right sidebar. I need the money. Shoot me some cheese dammit.

Enough with the touchy, feely shit. Let's get down to bidness.

Bidness

As usual for a weekend, here are some oldies but goodies that you or, more likely, the thousands of new Dumbasses that haven't had a chance to read, in which case you either can't read or you are too lazy to find the stories on your own.


One more thing...here's a Special Dumbass Shout Out to Brenda somewhere in Arkansas. She and I had a nice email exchange regarding a question about one of my posts. Judging by the way Brenda writes and some of the things she wrote in our email conversation, she is definitely Dumbass Worthy. Ooooooooooooooooooooooo pig sooey!!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Bank Robbery, Bigot Math and The Frozen Dead Guy!

Portrait of Fearless Leader
Best of Dumbass News

Your Fearless Leader of The Dumbass Horde (me) has had a busy day thus far this cold (15 degrees @ 16:26 EST; the low tonight? 3 below zero!) Saturday in New England. All I can say is that I'm glad Santa brought me a Gazebo Warmer ® for Christmas. Otherwise it could have tragic. And my voice, which is a solid baritone, would have gone up a couple of octaves. God bless the man who invented The Gazebo Warmer ®. Twice. Once for each gazebo. I'm just sayin'.

The tag line of this blog ("Bringin' the Dumbassery on a Daily Basis") has never been more appropriate than it was this week. We had enough dumbassery in one week....let me put it this way: if dumbassery was bling, I'd make Flava Flav look like he dressed like Jed Clampett.

Even though I'm late with the dumbassery today, I believe you'll agree it was worth the wait. For example...

  • This week was so full of outstanding dumbassery that the most "sane" dipshit of the week was a guy who paid his girlfriend's rent.....by robbing banks! That ought to be a major clue as to what's yet to come.
  • Speaking of banks (<----excellent Dumbass Segue)...A Wells Fargo Bank in  where else but California,. was hell bent on making withdrawals extremely simple for not only their customers, but everybody else too! They accomplished this unprecedented form of Customer Service by leaving the bank's front doors OPEN all weekend!
  • In our most disgusting display of dumbass douchebaggery of the week, school board members in Norcross, Georgia showed their true colors (pun intended) towards black folks without even uttering a word. Hint: It concerns slavery and math. Be prepared to curse aloud. It's that Ludacris. <----humor noir
  • Bonus Dumbassery! Every story I post on Dumbass News is kind of like one of my kids. You know what I mean if you're the parent of more than one child. You love them all, but not one more than the other. Having said that, I have a very difficult time not favoring the story of The Frozen Dead Guy over the other 446 posts on this blog. It's Classic Dumbass from beginning to end with a healthy dose of international intrigue thrown in for good measure. This is a must read!
Dare I say that This Week in Dumbass News History will forever be the epitome of what the chronicling of dumbassery should be? I dare. Has the bar been set impossibly high for future Dumbass News content? Why, hell no!

I think I have just issued a challenge to myself. Challenge accepted.

Dumbass.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Penis Enlargement Using Olive Oil Injections!

There's a guy in Thailand that no longer has a penis.

Many of you, mostly wimmin, are right now screaming "Yes!" and doing some form of the Watusi in celebration. The other part of this group of howling Dumbasses are a bunch of spurned homos out in Cal-ee-forn-ya. On the other hand, every single non-homo guy reading this is at this very moment grabbing his crotch and holding it like a Mother cuddles with a newborn baby.

Now, there must be several questions running through your mind right now, the biggest of which is WTF?

Let me splain.

Extra Virgin

In Thailand it is evidently a common practice for men who want to enlarge their man parts to inject it with olive oil! And here you thought all EVOO (extra virgin olive oil) was good for was to sautee mushrooms and shit. Now you know that it is also a well-known agent for ding a ling biggening. It is also the source of many a pee pee problem in Thailand.

Let me splain that, too.

From what I gather from reading this article, shootin' up your thang with EVOO not only doesn't increase its size (go figger), this practice also is the source of some very serious penile infections. As far as I can tell, Thai men seeking to attain porn star-sized schlongs actually go to backstreet clinics to get this shit done. Another take away from the piece in the DailyMail is that bee's wax, silicone and even paraffin are sometimes used in this procedure. Oh, boy! Where does the line form?!

Adios Mr. Happy

The guy to whom I referred in the first line of this story was administered the old olive oil in the weenie injection by some back alley hack, developed a very bad infection in his doo hickey and was taken to a local hospital for treatment. Sadly, when the doctors were trying to fix this Dumbass up, they discovered cancer and had to remove his manhood, gazebos and all.

The attending physician was quick to point out, however, that the EVOO injection was not the cause of the cancer, but that this is still a very dangerous thing to do. No shit, Sherlock. You went to all those years of medical school to tell us that?

One more thing about this story that is the irony of ironies. And I ain't making this up...it took place in Bangkok.

Go figger.

Dumbasses.

***Hat tip to @Polliwogette on Twitter***
***Photo courtesy of the Daily Mail***

Monday, November 19, 2012

Guy Steals Delivery Car, Finishes Deliveries, Goes to Jail

This past Friday political conservatives from all over the internet staged a "buycott" of Papa John's Pizza. This was in response to political liberals' boycott of Papa John's because of the pizza giant's plans to cut many full time employees' hours to part time and to outright discharge other workers due to the looming implementation of Obamacare, or as I call it, "a big steaming pile of yak shit".

Regardless of your position on the impending health care law, you have to admit that you have not yet heard of a single theft of a Papa John's delivery guy's automobile during this event. Even in Connecticut. Bipartisanship at its finest.

The same can not be said for a Chinese Food Delivery Guy in Connecticut.

GTA Gai Pan

Some poor schlub in Connecticut was going about his bidness of delivering Chinese food to the hungry folks of Hartford when he did something stoopid. The Schlub was making a delivery to Bristow Middle School. When he went inside to deliver the food, he left his car running! This was all the opportunity that Keith Hinds needed.

Keith jumped in the idling car and hauled ass. And by "hauled ass" I mean he went on to continuing to deliver the remaining orders on The Schlub's route! He evidently intended to keep all the cash he was collecting from the deliveries.

The cops were called and the restaurant also called the remaining customers on the route notifying them about what had happened. It was then that one of the customers reported to the restaurant that his food had already been delivered! By the car thief! At this point the jig was up.

The cops easily located Hinds and put him under arrest.

Upon taking him into custody, you'll never in a gazillion years believe what the cops found in Keith Hinds' possession. Drugs - a joint and an anti-psychotic. Oh, yeah, and a crack pipe. Knock me over with a feather.

Election turmoil with possible voter fraud, the death of Twinkies and now this.

Our country is doomed.

Dumbasses.




Sunday, November 18, 2012

Dwarf Tossing, Door-to-Door Breast Exams & More!

Best of Dumbass from October 15, 2011


This week's outstanding Dumbass News stories are among the weirdest we have ever seen on these pages. Frakkin' hilarious stuff. This is going to make the race for "Dumbass of the Year, 2011" is a tough one to call at this point, but I do have some ideas for the finalists for the award. It's a good thing I do because as I look at the calendar it's the middle of October already so the end of the year is really not that far off. I am thinking about running a series of polls to where you can have some input into the "Dumbass of the Year" award process. I am leaning towards a tournament type series of polls where your votes will determine who moves on in the selection process. I just don't really know yet. If you have any ideas I'd love to hear from you. This is your blog, I am just the dipshit who's dumbass enough to actually put his name on it. Leave a comment with your ideas in the comment section or shoot me an email at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. Now onto The Dumbass News Week in Review! 

  • Dumbass Psychic - Not only does this dumb bitch expose herself as a charlatan, fraud, extortionist, she jumps way up the ladder in the "Dumbass of the Year" rankings. Sad and funny as hell at the same time.
  • What do Dwarf Tossing and the Constitution of the United States have in common? A lot more than you'd think. It takes a true genius of a dumbass like me to actually make sense of it all. read on and you'll agree. I promise.
  • Door to Door Breast Exams - This story features one of the most ingenious dumbasses in the history of Dumbassery. You have got to read it to believe it. I didn't make any of this stuff up. Pinky swear.
Remember to let me know if you have any "Dumbass of the Year" nominations or story ideas by emailing me at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. To refresh your memory on your favorite dumbass, browse the blog archives and submit it to the email address <-----back there. If you are a newer reader the archives are a great place to catch up on some of weird news that happens every day somewhere in Dumbass-ville.

Adios.

Dumbasses.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Twinkies: Death By Dumbass

R I P
Twinkies are dead! Long live Twinkies!

One of the most talked about stories on the internet yesterday was the tale of the death of Twinkies. And Ding Dongs. And Ho Hos. And Wonder Bread. And several other brands of bread like Nature’s Pride ®, Merita®, Home Pride®, Butternut®, and Beefsteak®. 

Hostess' closure means that it will also shut down 33 bakeries, 565 distribution centers, approximately 5,500 delivery routes and 570 bakery outlet stores throughout the United States. 

Why?

Simply put: The Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International Union (BCTGM).

Here's why: The Genius Leaders of the BCTGM decided to call a strike against Hostess, which of course is their right. But the time to go on strike was not so good. You see, Hostess was in the middle of reorganizing under Chapter 11 Bankruptcy! I'm not a Genius Union Leader or a bidnessman, but it is my understanding that trying to coerce more  money and even better benefits from a company undergoing bankruptcy proceedings is not a particularly sound strike stategy. But what do I know?

Did I mention that the Union was asked to take an 8% pay cut while Hostess was reorganizing? I was told through a reliable source that his neighbor, a Hostess employee, would take a pay cut from $18 an hour to somewhere around $16 per hour! Oh! The sacrifice! Hostess says that their last best offer to the Union was made in September! From the Hostess website, Hostess Brands is unprofitable under its current cost structure, much of which is determined by union wages and pension costs. The offer to the BCTGM included wage, benefit and work rule concessions but also gave Hostess Brands’ 12 unions a 25 percent ownership stake in the company, representation on its Board of Directors and $100 million in reorganized Hostess Brands’ debt.

Bottom Line 

The end result of all this lunacy is that 18,500 Americans are out of a job and Hostess Brands, Inc is kaput. All thanks to 5000 members of the BCTGM and their corrupt, greed-infested Genius Union Leaders, who by the way still have jobs! The Main Genius Union Leader at BCTGM knocks out in the neighborhood of a quarter million dollars a year in salary and benefits. At least he'll have a nice holiday season.

You put your faith in a bunch of Jackass Union Thugs and you got what you asked for. 13,500 other non-BCTGM Hostess employees, including many in my hometown of Irving, Texas, also got shit canned because you and your "leadership" got what you asked for. Oh, yeah! There are at least 23 million other unemployed Americans that would love to have a job paying ten bucks an hour, much less $16 an hour plus benefits. Now you've joined them in the unemployment line. Nice.

I take no joy in writing this post because I hate to see bad things happen to my fellow Americans. It just pisses me off that so many good people were led astray by and will suffer because of a few assholes (read: Genius Union Leaders) who have their heads so far up their rectums they can count the polyps on their colons.

Dumbasses.

Friday, November 16, 2012

DUI On a Bull Dozer!

Best of Dumbass News

Every story I write about on this blog has earned the right to call itself Dumbass News-worthy. But there is the occasional tale that is tailor-made for this blog like John Wayne was made to be a Cowboy. You know the kind of story I am talking about. One so perfect that you almost have to question its authenticity. That's how the following story is. Hand meet glove. Enuff said.

Would you be surprised if I told you this perfect Dumbass story involved alcohol? And a guy with three names? And a bulldozer?

I didn't think so.

B. U. I. (Bulldozing Under the Influence)

Cody Ray Gibbs had already been cited for DUI once before. He thought he was safe from a second one, so he went out and got tanked up with his buddies and finally it was time to go home. On the bulldozer he drove to the bar.

Here's what the Atlanta Urinal-Constipation had to say: "Cody Ray Gibbs, 22, was allegedly under the influence of alcohol when he intentionally destroyed concrete curbing, erosion silt fence and landscaping at a construction site near Powder Springs where homes were to be built, according to an arrest warrant obtained by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
Gibbs did not have consent of the property owners to operate the bulldozer between 2 and 2:30 a.m. Aug. 2, the warrant states. The warrant does not state whether or not Gibbs was employed by the company that owned the bulldozer.
A week later, Gibbs was arrested and charged with second degree criminal damage, a felony. Property developers told police that damage was estimated at $10,000."


What the Hell?

That is just one question I'd like to ask...what the hell? "What the fuck?" comes to mind as well. As does "are you friggin' kiddin' me?" Who does this guy think he is, George Jones? (It's a long story, google "george jones + riding lawnmower" to get the deal)
Cody Ray "D - 9 Cat" Gibbs
  • What the heck was Cody Ray thinkin' when he decided to take the dozer and go drinking in the first place.
  • Was he hoping to impress the chciks with his ride?
  • Between 2 and 2:30 AM? On a bulldozer? After a night of consuming large quantities of alcoholic beverages? Really?
  • What was he drinking and can I have some? Please.
What Next?

Guys have been busted for DUI on scooters, bikes, motorized wheel chairs and, like George Jones, on riding lawn mowers.The lesson here is that the drinking and driving laws in most states cover a wide range of vehicles for you to get popped on if you are plowed and driving one of them.

So, all you Dumbass Drunks out there take heed. You could be next to be arrested for DUI on a horse or something.

Next thing you know they'll make it illegal to be fubared and drive a school bus.

Dumbasses.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Commies Invade North Carolina, Put End to Town's "Possum Drop"!

This time they've gone too far! And I am mad as hell!

Not a Member of PETA
The Annual New Years Eve Possum Drop in Brasstown, North Carolina is no more. The local church choirs that once sang hymns at the Possum Drop will be silent. A tribute to war veterans also becomes a casualty. After more than two decades of pure family fun, the Brasstown Possum Drop has come to an end thanks to PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and a pole cat of a judge.  

FoxNews.com fills us in: A judge ruled Tuesday that a state agency didn't have the authority to issue a permit for the event.
"Citizens are prohibited from capturing and using wild animals for pets or amusement," Judge Fred Morrison wrote in his ruling. "Hunters must afford wild animals the same right Patrick Henry yearned for: 'Give me liberty, or give me death!'"
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals had sued the N.C. Wildlife Resources Commission, which issues the permit for the event, saying it's illegal and cruel. 

Clay Logan, founder of the Possum Drop festivities said the possum is well fed and cared for by a veterinarian. During the event, it is placed in a plexiglass cage and lowered for 10 seconds. Shortly thereafter, the animal is turned loose into nearby woods, he said. A new possum is used each year, in part, because of their short life spans. A 3-year-old possum is considered old, he said.
Logan said the possum drop will continue in some form, although he won't break the law. This challenge by PETA marks at least the third time that someone has challenged the drop, he said.

What in the name of all that is Holy going on here? You'd expect this kind of shit from PETA because that's what they do, the idiots. But an Officer of the Court quoting Patrick Henry for the benefit of a possum thus overruling the very state agency that is responsible for the maintenance and preservation of wild animals in North Carolina? The way I see it is that if the guys at the Wildlife Commission say the Possum Drop is OK, then I don't have a problem with it. Screw PETA and the Judge.

Sure, the possum is gonna be pissed off for a little while, but it could be much worse. He (the possum, not the Judge) could have an up close and personal encounter with a Ford truck on a local highway.What then? Would PETA sue the Ford Motor Company and would the Judge issue a temporary restraining order against F-150s? The answer is yes, the shit-stirrers at PETA probably would sue Ford and only God knows what this moron of a Judge would do.

What's next? That groundhog in Pennsylvania?

I hereby urge the fine citizens to unite against this unwanted and unethical gubmint intrusion into their God-given Constitutional right to have their yearly New Years Eve Possum Drop! This tyranny must not and will not be tolerated! The pursuit of happiness must not be infringed upon by the overreaching arm of a rogue jurist! Write and/or email your Senators and Congress Persons and express your outrage at such a blatantly lawless attempt to subvert your rights by a Judge who obviously has not seen nor read the part of the Constitution that says "Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's possum!" Or something. It's in there somewhere, trust me on this one. I implore you to rise up in look this type of unAmerican, Commie lechery square in it's bloodshot eyes and say, "enough!" Never surrender! Use the ballot box to rid yourselves of this power hungry adjudicator! He is a pox upon your fine community!

Alternatively, you could substitute a member of PETA for the possum.

Dumbasses.








Wednesday, November 14, 2012

PETA Wants Roadside Memorial for Fish Killed in Wreck!

I am a fisherman. Correction: I am a damn good fisherman. More than fifty years experience will do that to a guy. Each time I head out to the lake, river or creek, I set out with the notion in mind of decimating the local fish population. Metaphorically speaking of course. Fish. Fear.Me. Having said all that, let it be known that I fastidiously follow all fishing rules and regulations when I am on the water. Fact is, I rarely ever even keep any fish after one of my fish-slaying extravaganzas. I practice catch and release 99.99999% of the time.

Going fishing for me is more like "going to Church". I talk to God on a regular basis, but there's something about fishing that brings me closer to the Almighty. I feel more at peace when I am fishing than at any other time. Is it the solitude? The calming effect of the water? I don't know, but I do know that Jesus hung around with a bunch of fishermen,so it can't be all bad.

Crying Over Spilled Fish

I bring up fishing today because of the following story from United Press International:

IRVINE, Calif. (UPI) -- An animal rights group is asking a California city to put up a sign acknowledging the suffering of fish that died in a traffic incident.
Irvine resident Dina Kourda wrote a letter to city officials on behalf of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals asking for a sign to be placed at the site of the October crash to recognize the suffering of hundreds of saltwater bass that died when a truck carrying the fish collided with two other vehicles Oct. 11, The Orange County Register reported Tuesday.

Kourda said she wants the sign to remind truck drivers of their responsibility to the animals who are "hauled to their deaths every day."

"Although such signs are traditionally reserved for human fatalities, I hope you'll make an exception because of the enormous suffering involved in this case," the letter read.

"Research tells us that fish use tools, tell time, sing, and have impressive long-term memories and complex social structures. Yet fish used for food are routinely crushed, impaled, cut open, and gutted, all while still conscious. Sparing them from being tossed from a speeding truck and slowly dying from injuries and suffocation seems the least that we can do," Kourda wrote. 


Fish Burger in Its Natural Habitat
 My Thoughts
  • Are. You. Kiddin'. Me.?
  • We are dealing with PETA and Cal-ee-forn-ya here, so, no, they ain't kiddin'.
  • Fish are meant to be eaten. The Son of Man ate them and that's all the approval I need to eat them.
  • It's very difficult to make a Filet O' Fish without fish.
  • Is it just me or is it really offensive to compare the fish that perished in a traffic accident to the loss of a human life in a traffic accident?
  • Re: the Dead Fish Memorial Sign, see the comment directly above this one. Also, when you see a roadside memorial that marks the spot where a living breathing human being DIED, doesn't it make you keenly aware of the dangers of drunk driving or something like that? A sign memorializing dead fish lacks, shall we say, impact?
  • If I were to see a "Fish Died Here" sign on the side of the road, I'd get hungry and start looking for the closest Long John Silver or Catfish Cabin.
  • Members of PETA are also against dancing shrimp.
  • Go fishing and take home a limit then send a photo of your catch to your nearest PETA office just to piss them off.
  • Eat more fish.
  • Screw PETA.
Dumbasses.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Dumbass Robs Bank, Goes Back for More!

It's happened to me a hundred times. And it's probably happened to you as well.

I am talking about patronizing the drive thru at a joint like McDonalds, placing your order, paying for it only to get home and find out that you have been short changed an order of fries or something. So, whaddaya do? You go back to The Arches and retrieve the stuff you should have been given in the first place and maybe get a coupon for a free Big Mac redeemable on your next visit to McD's. Or you simply eat (pun intended) the price of the forgotten item.

This got me to thinkin', "What if something like this were to happen to a bank robber?" Actually I didn't think that. It's just my way of segueing into today's Dumbass News. Clever, huh?

We have done stories about bank robbery before including this one about a guy that knocks off a bank then brags about it on Facebook! There's also the one about the idiot that tried to disguise himself by putting underwear on his head and the Dumbass who robbed a bank and took a getaway bus in order to escape! But today's story may top them all.

The Scene

Picture yourself in Syracuse, New York. Or if you'd rather not, I understand. But Syracuse is where this story takes place, so deal with it.

Anyway, 1001 James Street in Syracuse is home to Alliance Bank. It is also the site of one of the stoopidest crimes in Syracuse annals.

The Heist

Arthur
Twenty-eight year old Arthur Bundrage was out of crack cocaine one day when he got a great idea. "Today is a great day to rob a bank!", he thought. So Arthur moseyed on over to the aforementioned Alliance Bank at 1001 James Street where he promptly walked in and demanded $20,000 in cash from one of the bank's tellers. The teller refused. Again, Arthur ordered the teller to fork over the 20 large. This time bank employee relented (maybe Arthur said "please") and crammed some cash into a bag and handed it over to Arthur. Arthur then split the scene. The bank called 911.

This story doesn't end here, however.

So Arthur pulled the bank job, left the scene of the crime, the cops have been notified and are on the way to the bank and what does the Dumbass do? He looks at his ill-gotten gains and determines that the bank teller did not give him the full 20 grand that he demanded. It is at this point that we find out that Arthur Bundrage is about as smart as a spit wad.

Unsatisfied with his haul, Arthur heads back into the bank to get the rest of the $20,000! He got there about the same time the cops did.

He was arrested without incident.

Dumbass.

***Hat tip to and photo courtesy of syracuse.com***



Monday, November 12, 2012

85 Year Old Dumbass Lady Hero!


Best of Dumbass News

What you are about to witness on Dumbass News is as about as common around these parts as Satan attending Christmas Mass at the Vatican. Sure we still have a Dumbass to "honor", but today's story is truly about honoring a Dumbass. Sit back and get ready for something that could affect your dumbassery forever. Or not. You'll still get a kick out of it though.

Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2

George Murphy and his wife Dorothea Taylor are your typical really old people. Or so it would seem. George and Dorothea live in a two bedroom igloo in Willow, Alaska. OK, I made the igloo part up. However, like many senior citizens, the Murphys have a dog and he too is as old as dinosaur doo doo. Fellar, the pooch, is twelve years old. That's 84 to you and me. George and Dot have a routine of taking Fellar out for walks, thus assuring that he doesn't do his business on the carpet in their igloo. I made up the igloo part again. But any story based on the nation's largest state wouldn't be complete without an igloo joke or two. And by the way, Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2 explicitly states that using an igloo joke more than twice in the same story is a felony against funnyhood punishable by having one's gazebos placed into a vice to be tightened by Hulk Hogan. As you can see,  Comedy Rule Number 3, Article 1, Section 1, Subsection 4, Paragraph 2 provides for swift and severe punishment when breached. But I digress.


Let me see, where was I? Oh, yeah. The two old farts were walking their old fart dog. There were doing so near an Anchorage, AK airport when they were readying to head back to their igloo home when the, shall we say "unexpected" happened. Oh hell no! We shall say when a one in a gazillion thing happened.


Willow, AK - Unsafe for Octogenarians (and Old Dogs, Children & Watermelon Wine)


Dot was waiting in the truck for George when she just happened to catch something out of the corner of her eye. George was getting the shit kicked out of him! By a moose!!! A 2000 pound living breathing antler totin' Alaskan moose! This was all it took for Dorothea to leap into action. She got out of the truck like someone stuck a rocket up her ass. This old woman, somebody's grandmother mind you, grabbed a shovel from the bed of the truck and hobbled as fast as she could to rescue her beloved George. So what does Dot do when she gets to the scene of the moose attack? She smacks the moose on the ass with the shovel! At this point, the startled moose said to himself, "Moose, this old battleaxe is serious! I'd rather fight Chuck Norris antler to hand than take on this crazy broad." Have I mentioned yet that Dorothea is 85 years old? And 5 foot nothin' and 97 pounds? 


A Dumbass' Dumbass

Here's what George and Dorothea had to say about the whole thing:

"Jeez, that was a pretty hard thing for anyone to do, to walk up on a moose like that. Heck, all she had was a shovel," Murphy said of his wife.

"Well, we've helped each other out of problems before. This just happened to be the latest," Taylor said.

I did say earlier that this was an unusual story, didn't I?

Just ask the moose with the shovel prints on his ass.

Dorothea, you are my hero. And a.....

Dumbass. And I say that with all due respect and a great deal of love.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

My Kid Mist Skool Becuz...Dumbass Excuse Notes!

Best of Dumbass News

If you've ever been the parent of a child who goes to school, you, more than anyone else, know that kids occasionally get sick and have to miss a day of the Three Rs only to become the Fourth R, Rotten! But Rotten is another story for another day. When kids are too ill to attend school for a day, it's school policy that the parents of said sick child, upon her return to school, issue a note from Mom or Dad explaining Little Susie's absence. Fair enough. However! Upon reading the "my kid missed school because,,," notes, teachers have to wonder how the hell did Mom or Dad make it through school! Or if they even went to school.

Let me splain.

Prelude to Dumbassery

Some of the "excuse letters" that parents write explaining a kid's absence from school are sicker than whatever kept the kid home in the first place. And by "sick", I mean "stupid". Weeeellll, "stupid" may not be the right word to use here, but the phrase "dumber than a box of hammers" is pretty accurate.

If you send your child to a public school, withdraw him immediately! If you do not take prompt action today, it may be too late for your kid! I. Ain't. Kiddin'. Once you read some of the notes I have been talking about, you'll quickly realize that the tax dollars, YOUR tax dollars, used to fund public education might as well be spent buying Chevy Volts. Schools and Volts are both gubmint projects and neither of them has proven to be anything but disastrous, expensive and failures. I'm just sayin'. Having a hard time swallowing that? Then chew on this shit.

Parents of Skool Kidz Are Stoopid

OK, you asked for it and I am happy to oblige. Here are a few of the stupidest, most English-challenged pieces of work you have ever seen in your life. And that's just the Parents! The excuse notes are even more jacked up.

The following "excuse my kid from missing school" notes will be presented exactly as they were written at the time. I will not change a thing about them. BTW, thanks to ozzu.com for the excuse notes.

Behold the work of America's parents:

  • 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • 2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  • 3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • 4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  • 5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  • 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  • 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  • 10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • 11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the *plum*.[words in "(  )'s" were crossed out.]
  • 12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  • 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Want more? Just follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Further Proof:

  • 15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
  • 16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  • 17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  • 18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  • 19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  • 20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • 21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
  • 22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
  • 23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
  • 24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
I rest my case.

Lern to Spel!
Learn Your Own Damn Language, Dumbass!

If it seems that I am ragging on a boatload of parents, it's because I am! My advice to these Moms and Dads is to learn your own damn language - English! I understand that mistakes will be made when writing a note to school, a resume or even a or blog. Hell, I'm sure someone with much more command of the English language and the grammar thereof could go back through what I've written in the last few minutes and tear me a new one because of various errors. I can live with that. English is a tough language to get a hold of in many ways. Ask any immigrant or student new to English. Hell, ask an American the same things and see what you get?! And it's our native tongue!

My problem lies with what appears to me to be a lack of effort in coming anywhere near the proper use of spoken and written English. Did these goofballs just not pay attention at school? Did they even GO to school? Who is to be held accountable? Lazy students? Dumbass parents? Crummy teachers? The city school board who think throwing more money at a problem is the solution instead of addressing the problem head on? The State Edjumacation morons? How about the Feds? In a word: Yes times five. But each of the aforementioned groups bears blame in different "quantities".

Who's to Blame?

 And the blame goes to....(in no particular order):

  • 1) The Students - In the end, it's the kids' who are the ones who suffer, but it is they who've got to put their collective noses to the grindstone. It's not a very complicated thing, really. Go to school every day. Get there on time. Listen/Read/Write/Learn/Ask Questions/Study. Simple, huh? Oh! One more thing. When you are too sick to go to school and the time comes to go back, WRITE YOUR OWN NOTE AND HAVE YOUR PARENTS READ IT THEN SIGN IT! Whatever you do, for God's sake, DO NOT let your folks scribble a word! 
  • 2) Parents - Let me put it this way: Would you wants the parents who wrote those excuse notes to help YOUR kids with their homework? Enough said
  •  3) Crummy Teachers - This is not a cheap shot at ALL public school teachers. Over the last 50 years I have known and been a student of many outstanding p. s . teachers. They taught for all the right reasons, chief among a love of kids and a desire to pass on valuable knowledge that will ultimately be crucial at some point in life. In this group of great teachers I include the current/past teachers my little girls have/have had in their brief academic endeavors. These teachers are a priceless commodity to not only our children, but to the country as well. Well educated young people are the best hope for the future of our Representative Republic. That doesn't necessarily mean that everyone has to go to an Ivy League Bastion of Liberalism either. Trade schools and, in many instances, online "schools" provide superb curricula and very good instructors. My point here is to reward the teachers who achieve success with their students and dump the crummy ones like an Iranian Mullah drops a pork chop. Easier said than done? Sure, but when has ANY challenge been too much for the United States of America to overcome? Let's start with the young folks by giving their teachers the tools needed to educate our children. And more money ain't always the right solution to a major problem. 
  •  4) City School Boards - See Number 3, Crummy teachers. I could add a lot more stuff here, but it would take a week to type it all out. But good ole Number 3 up there is a great place to start. Simply substitute the word "school board member/administrator for the word "teacher" and you won't be wrong.
  • 5) State Dept. of Education - Again I refer to Number 3. For "teacher" use "bureaucrat", "professional public servant" (that's not a good thing) or "dumbass". They are all interchangeable.
So, get with the program, you dipshits!

And learn English!

Dumbasses.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Smackin' Around Dumbass Leftists

Happy Birthday to the United States Marine Corps! Semper Fi!

Best of Dumbass News

I owe some members of the Dumbass Horde an apology. This specific "wing" of the Horde are the Dumbasses who come to this two time award-winning blog (as proof I'll add the award logo to the sidebar soon) to bitch, moan,complain and scream raaaaacism, amongst other lies brought on by a major lack of reading comprehension, about what I write. Products of public schools no doubt. Or products of Liberal Pussy parents. But I repeat myself.

My apology, sincere and heartfelt, is due to the fact that I forgot to wish those Dumbasses a Happy May Day. May Day is a big deal in the Commie World that these pencil neck weenies occupy (Wall Street). I made a Commie Funny, huh, Comrades? Now before you Marxist asswipes start crying about what a mean and misinformed Neanderthal I am, let me point you to the official Commie perspective of May Day. I'll write very slowly so you can understand what it is that you are protesting/making a damn fool of yourself/looking like a brain dead moonbat for. Click. This. Link. To. Learn. Something.

Or get somebody to read it to you, as it has no pretty pictures of unicorns shitting Skittles.

I'll wait for you.

Such Nice Young People

Now that, via the link above, I have handed you your worthless ass on a silver platter by presenting those pesky things called facts, don't come crying to me when one day you grow up and/or get out of rehab and realize that on all those occasions in which you participated in an Occupy (insert latest Commie Buzz Word here) event, you were trashing the country and the founding documents that allowed you to make a total boil on the ass of Humanity out of yourself.

You should thank a Conservative for helping to stave off your "leaders'" efforts to destroy what True Americans hold dear - the God-given Right to Be a Dumbass. Or worse.

Better yet, thank a cop or a current or past member of the Armed Forces of the United States for fighting, and in millions of instances giving up their LIFE, so you can breathe the air of those you are "protesting". By "protesting" I of course mean harassing, intimidating and otherwise disrespecting. But what's a little taking a shit on a police car or a few rapes in your tent cities between friends?

You guys kill me. In a metaphorical sense of the word, of course.

Free Advice from a Redneck 

OK, Occupy Pus Pockets, because I believe and have hope in even the worst of the worst of you, I feel compelled to pass along some things you might want to learn and commit to memory. Best of all, I'll do it for free! You used tampons like free stuff don't you? Then you'll absolutely love what I am about to edify you with, again, at no cost to you. Yet.

Free Things for Smelly Commie Pussies to Keep in Mind

  • Hope and pray that the next cop car you take a dump on is being driven by a police officer who is in a real good mood. Otherwise, he/she just might take exception with your actions and relocate you to a nice cozy jail cell in Harlem, occupied (<---another Commie funny; I kill me) by a former enforcer for the Black Panthers named "Foot Long" who hasn't had butt sex for an extended period of time. "Foot Long" will show your anal cavity some real occupation.
  • It would behoove you to keep abreast of which of the people you are irritating the hell out of have 6th Degree Black Belts in some form of Asian self defense that I can't even pronounce, much less spell. As a Public Service to you, I present the tale of a dearly departed Chinese guy who was the recipient of a form of this discipline called Gazebo Fu. 
  • While I do not condone violence unless it is necessary to the plot, I, and many folks just like me, are prepared to a) kick your stinking unAmerican ass if provoked to that point or b) if within the parameters of the Law, blow you and your crotch critters to Kingdom Come. An example of this type of retribution would be if you harmed, or attempted to harm, our women or children or threatened the sanctity of our property, thus creating a sense of fear for the safety of our families. That's just common sense. Deal. With. It.
  •  Here's a very valuable, yet free, reminder about the mindset of some of the people you are fucking with. The only reason they carry (with proper certification, licensing, etc.) a .45 is that Smith & Wesson doesn't make a .46. I'm just sayin'
  • You are breathing their air.
Still With Me?

That's about all I have for now, Comrade. I hope you find the information in this post useful, because it is certainly pertinent to the situation in which you have put yourselves. Re-read it (or have it re-read to you) and be uplifted.

I hope and pray that you Green Turds in the Punch Bowl can maintain a modicum of civility towards those with whom you so vehemently disagree and consider yourselves fortunate that they have acted towards you with little more than looks of disgust, which you so richly deserve and feelings of pity, which you don't.

And take a bath. The lice in your dog shit-lookin' hair do haven't had a drop of water in weeks.

Idiots. And...

Dumbasses.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Chick w/Duct Taped Boobs Attacks 3 Cops!

Milestone: Some time yesterday morning Dumbass News topped the 100,000 page view barrier! One. Hundred. Thousand. That's got a nice ring to it. I can't begin to express my sincerest thanks to each of you for time and support. There were times when I wasn't sure that we'd make it to a thousand, much less 100K.

I am humbled and grateful.

Thank you.

Fearless Leader

Best of Dumbass News

You know, I am getting pretty damned fed up with this shit. "This shit" being that Dumbasses everywhere are giving Duct Tape bad PR. It all started back in March when a couple of nekkid Dumbasses decided to get their freak on then take a drive around Portland, Oregon. On that occasion Duct Tape was used to bind the Lady Dumbass up like she was being kidnapped. Now if the Lady Dumbass had a nice rack on her then this would not be Duct Tape Abuse, but this is Portland, Oregon we're talking about here, so that is doubtful. How do I know? Have you ever seen pictures of the women in Portland who would drive around town nekkid with their hooters bound by Duct Tape? I rest my case.

Well, the demeaning of that most valuable of Redneck Tool Box Accessories continues out on the Left Coast. This time by a stripper wanna be from Seattle. As you know, Seattle is a veritable mother lode of Dumbasses and the Communist and Suicide Haven Because It's Gray and Rainy A Lot Capital of the United States.

I. Ain't. Happy.

A Night on the Town

A woman whose name we do not know but we'll call "MoonBeam" had had enough of the Commie bullshit and rampant suicide going on in her town, so she decided that a night out would be a good thing.

MoonBeam got all painted up and dressed up for her big excursion into the night life of Seattle and headed to a local night club. This is mere conjecture on my part, but I think it will be borne out by the end of this story, upon arrival at the club, MoonBeam began to drink a copious amount of Mad Dog 20/20. Soon she was obviously drunk. I say that because at some point later in the evening, MoonBeam began to take off her clothes. While still inside the night club.

Enter the Duct Tape

MoonBeam peeled off her shirt exposing her knockers then reached into her purse and pulled out some pink Duct Tape. At this point, she began to wrap the Duct Tape around her boobage when a club bartender and a female patron intervened and politely said, "Bitch, leave the club now!", but not in those exact words.  MoonBeam would have none of this interference, so she proceeded to give the two interlopers an old fashion beat down.

The cops were called.

The cops get to the scene and MoonBeam, with her hammers firmly ensconced in pink Duct Tape, ran from them and tried to hide in the Ladies' Room of a nearby KFC/Taco Bell joint. Now, if I am the cops and I'm looking around for a female suspect in the nearby KFC/Taco Bell, the Ladies' Room would be a good place to check out. If there are no ladies with their tits wrapped in pink Duct Tape in there, you move on with the investigation. Alas, MoonBeam was in there and the police handcuffed her and led her out of the restaurant to the Police Cruiser.

MoonBeam was not amused.

More Fun!

It was at this point that, according to the Law, MoonBeam "freaked out". By "freaked out" I think the Seattle PD meant that MoonBeam kicked the shit out of three of Seattle's Finest. Further, by "kicked the shit out of", I mean one cop severed a tendon in one of his fingers, another suffered a slight concussion when MoonBeam gave him a round house kick to the skull and yet a third cop suffered a dislocated jaw!

There was no word whether the pink Duct Tape kept MoonBeam's hammers in place, but inquiring minds want to know.

Regardless, MoonBeam and her boobies will now spend a large portion of the next decade as a guest of the State of Washington. After the ass kickin' she gave the cops, it has yet to be determined whether she will do her time in a men's or a women's prison.  

Or! the State of Washington could send her to Portland, Oregon. I hear there's a Duct Tape-loving couple there that is looking for a new friend.

Duct Tape not included.

Dumbass.
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