Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Dumbass Birthday Extravaganza! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Dumbass Birthday Extravaganza!

Yesterday was the Youngest Daughter's (her name is Bailey) sixth birthday! We will be celebrating the Big Birthday Extravaganza today with a few of her friends and a couple of family members.

One of those family members is not my Mother-in-law.  The Old Battle Axe lives about 200 miles from us so she can't make it.

Good.

While we will rock the Dumbass Dome with the ear-splitting squeals joyful noises from Satan's Spawn Times Ten a group of Bailey's buddies, the MIL will be in the Easternmost City in the United States of America (Eastport, Maine) wearing her tall, pointy black hat and and robe, practically cradling her boiling cauldron, chanting some ghoulish gibberish and systematically adding bat's wings and eye of newt to her gurgling Witch's Brew. MIL calls this ritual "Saturday".

Oh, yeah...Happy Birthday, Bailey! I love you!

Best of Dumbass News

I wrote this post a couple of years ago and I rerun it about once a year at this time of year. Why? Because today is my Monster Mother in Law's birthday. For her and those who love her, and I ain't one of 'em, it's a day of celebration and joy. For me? Not so much. I guess I could look on the positive side of things and say to myself, "Fearless Leader, at least the old bat is one day closer to being on the other side of the dirt", but there's just no cheering me up on a day like today.

What Should Be a Happy Day, Ain't

A couple of days ago I wrote about impending doom a much overdue visit from my Mother-in-Law. As it turns out, there is a God!!!!, she had to postpone her trip by the Grace of The Almighty  due to car trouble. This turn of events caused  me to do cartwheels my wife great sadness and despair. I thought I was safe from all that is evil and wrong with the world. I.Was.Wrong. My weekend of sloth and gluttony has turned into The Weekend From Hell. I know you married guys are wondering, "How could a nice weekend of sloth and gluttony turn into a weekend from hell, when your Mother-in-Law is 200 miles away having car trouble and can't come to torture and degrade you visit?" Let me 'splain.

It Gets Worse

Although I'm happier than a stoned fat kid at a McDonald's all you can eat buffet saddened my M-I-L can't make it, a fate worse than paying alimony to an ex-wife that married a plastic surgeon has befallen me. I.Have.To.Go.Back.To.School.Shopping.! But wait! There's more! I am (or should be) committed... to attend a baby shower! Don't get me wrong, as a father of four (ages 3-31, God help me), I love kids, I really do (especially with a little salt and mustard....rimshot). But, less than a month before my 54th birthday, I thought my days of going to baby showers were over! At least until my own daughters had babies. But my wife threatened me with unspeakable acts of violence asked me nicely to go, so I said OK.

Upon further review, I never thought I'd miss my Mother-in-Law, but I do.

The Truth

I really love my Mom in Law. She's a great lady and I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for her. She's a keeper.

Today is Teena's birthday and this is my own "special" way of telling her Happy Birthday, you old bitty. I just made the "old bitty" part up. Have a great day Teena....even if it means you are one day closer to the other side of the dirt.

Ma.

Dumbass.

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