Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Dumbass Emeritus & Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Dumbass Emeritus & Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work

Dumbass Replay

I had forgotten about writing this post from October of 2011, but I stumbled across it and
thought it was kinda timely considering what I had written a while ago about dumbass excuses for missing work. It's about Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work, the October, 2011 Edition! It's pretty damn funny and I know you'll like it. Dumbass.

A Note on a Note

Cutie Pie & Dumbass Emeritus
Several months ago I did a deal on a Female Dumbass With a WiFi Fetish. In an odd twist of Fate, that female dumbass, Alexandra (Alex to her buds) Janelli, somehow discovered what I had written. My guess is that Alex (I am her bud yanno), who is a lovely and obviously smart young woman, was drunk. Or stoned. Or maybe she's just that much of a Dumbass, but all that is neither here nor there. She found the post.

OK, I'll fess up. I know how she found me.With a "Duplicate Content Detector".  She fired that bitch up and BANG! There I was. I plagiarized lifted stole used some her material in the post. All right, all right! I used a lot of her work in the post. The point is that, instead of sueing the hell out of me (yet), Alex took the time to compose and send to me an email informing me to contact her attorneys thank me for stealing from "marketing" her blog. What a dumbass. bwahahahahahahahaha

Alex Gets a Dumbass Award

The truth is that Alex sent me an email (which was a total surprise!) thanking me for mentioning her blog in my post. I was happy to do it as I am always looking for source material and I just happened to find WTFWiFi quite by accident. I am glad I did. BTW, in almost two years of blogging, that is the first and only email from another blog owner saying "thanks for the mention and dropping a link to my site in your post" that I have ever received. For her kind words and thoughtfulness, I'd like to publicly thank Alexandra Janelli for taking a bit of her valuable time (look at this and you'll see what I mean by "valuable time") to extend a much-appreciated, if stunningly unexpected, courtesy. This is a busy, enterprising young lady we're talking about here. Hit the previous link. You'll see that Alex could have just said, "So what? He's just a piss ant writing a blog read by his Mother and Satan. Fuck him!". She did  not do it. Instead, she did a nice thing.

As I said, Alex's response to the post was very unexpected, but greatly humbling. So, as Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, I awarded Alex the title of Dumbass Emeritus for her contributions to showing Dumbassery as it happens in the world around us. Her site is great and as you can cypher from what I've told you, Alex is a fine young lady.

Thanks again, Alex. you are indeed a ......

Dumbass. Emeritus.

Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work, Part 1 (October, 2011)

My late Dad used to tell me that he wishes he was born rich instead of good lookin'. I face that same dilemma, but it's a burden that I must carry until I am "The Late Fearless Leader", which I hope is no time soon. The point is that if my Dad had been born rich instead of drop dead handsome (like me), then he would not have had to drive a truck for over 40 years and at least 6 million miles, most of that in Texas. I can tell you this: it was a rare occasion when Dad called in sick to work. Nowadays, people call in sick with some really, shall we say, "creative" excuses for not showing up to his/her job.

While doing my usual looking for something to steal from another site in depth research, I came across a web site named The Hiring Site. The following list of excuses for missing work are quoted verbatim from that site. My commentary will follow each "excuse".

This is gonna be good. These are actual excuses used by Liberals, I mean Americans for not showing up for work.

Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work

Excuse: A cow broke into my house and I have to wait for the insurance man. 
Head Dumbass: Three letters: B B Q. Enuff said.

Excuse: A chicken attacked my Mom.
Head Dumbass: Does Mom make B B Q chicken?

Excuse: My finger is stuck in a bowling ball.
Head Dumbass: Since you can't B B Q  a bowling ball and the only good fingers are steak or chicken fingers, let me get my chain saw. Adios finger. Problem solved. Fucking sissy.

Excuse: My hair transplant has gone bad.
Head Dumbass: It ain't gone half as bad as the size 12 I am gonna put up your ass will "go bad".

Excuse: My girlfriend threw a Sit-n-Spin through my window.
Head Dumbass: was she on the Sit-n-Spin at the time of this incident? If she was, she's a keeper. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

Excuse: I was on a boat in Lake Erie and I ran out of gas and the Coast Guard towed me to the Canadian side.
Head Dumbass: Grab a case of "Moosehead", an OZ of Canada's Finest and walk across the surface of Lake Erie back to the USA side. I have done this before. With good weed, anything is possible. Eh?

Excuse: My foot is caught in the garbage disposal.
Head Dumbass: Are you related to the chick with the Sit-n-Spin? If so, I hope you are a girl. I'm just sayin'.

Can you believe that shit? I know that many Americans are lazy dumbasses with the ambition of a spit wad, but, really, can't you stoopid fucks do any better than that? Whatever happened to real excuses for missing work? stuff like somebody stole my weed and I can't get motivated to work without it. Or...did someone bring a keg to work today? If so, I'm in. If not, I have to go buy one so I'll be spending the day at home doing "scientific research" on what causes hangovers. There are a million of 'em, but the lame ass excuses above could have come from a guy on a street corner selling "Excuses to Miss Work Today" cards for 10 bucks a pop. The sad thing is that so many Americans would stand in line to get a good excuse to skip work, even if it cost $10. Meanwhile, the guy on the corner selling the excuses is working his ass off and getting rich at the hands of a bunch of lazy Occupy Wall Street pussies who smell like some NFL lineman's ass after a double overtime preseason game in Dallas in August. It ain't purty folks. It ain't purty.



  1. I protest. Conservatives are dumbasses too. It's an equal opportunity affliction. But yes, dumbasses. Why not just say "I'm sick, cough, cough." Dur.

  2. Oh, I smack around Conservatives, too because I am an Equal Opportunity Dumbass Smacker. The only people I don't eviscerate are my Mom, the Pope and Billy Graham (My Favorite Protestant). But if the Pope doesn't answer my Tweets, Lord knows what I'll do. :)

  3. Those excuses are better than having the same relative die every year just so you can go to the Super Bowl.

  4. Great blast from the past!


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