Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: April 2013 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Cop Slaps Girlfriend; She Beats the Hell Out of Him w/ a Justin Bieber Doll!

Today's story involves a cop and is one of the weirdest yet to appear on Dumbass News.That's saying a lot considering the fact that we've written about cops being attacked by sex toys, cops whose police cruiser has been pissed on and a little diddy about a cop who tasered a female cop's ass, in the police station! No matter how much dumbassery those stories reek of, they do not compare to the stoopididity that awaits you in this beauty.

Domestic Disturbance
Bitch Slapped By Justin Bieber Doll

Domestic violence is, sad, all too common in the United States. Sometimes these incidents involve police officers. Let's face it though, that being a cop has to be one of the toughest jobs in the world. These guys gotta be wound tighter than a Britney Spears alarm clock, even at home. That's still no excuse to put your hands on a woman in a violent manner. That said, let's move on.

Our cop in question today is a member of the Denver Police Department. Michael Nuanes got into an argument with his girlfriend when things got, as they say, out of control. There was the usual pushing and shoving and throwing things. As a result of this confrontation, Michael is filing suit against his gal pal for being mean to him and injuring him with thrown objects. Did I mention that the thrown object that "injured" Nuanes was a Justin Bieber doll? Yes! A Justin Bieber doll! Dude, Justin Bieber himself couldn't hurt my 5 year old daughter, much less a trained police officer. Upon seeing Nuanes' mug shot, I thought the guy played linebacker for the Green Bay Packers and he says he was injured, on the foot no less, by a Justin Bieber doll??!! Dude, you are a fucking crybaby.

Are You Kiddin'?

From the story on HuffPo: "According to an Adams County Sheriff's Office affidavit via the Smoking Gun, "Nuanes stated that [his girlfriend] had thrown a 'Barbie Doll' at him, which bruised his foot and [said] that it hurt ... Nuanes pointed out a 'Justin Bieber' doll, which was the item used to injure him." He also said she "bit his finger and that it also hurt." Well, hell, that makes a world of difference. She bit his finger too! Good Gawd Almighty! I wonder what would happen if this guy had to arrest a real criminal like, let's say, a gang member or a murderer? Curl into the fetal position and start sucking his thumb? Oh, wait.. He's already proved he's a tough guy by beating on a woman. My bad. He wouldn't curl up and suck his thumb. He'd shit his pants, then curl up and suck his thumb.

On second thought, I have seen Justin Bieber has been wearing leather lately and that, in and of itself is a pretty scary sight. The doll must have been leather clad as well.

I almost forgot! You wnnaa know why the disagreement between Nuanes and his girlfriend started in the first place? Wait. For. It. She had yet to change her Facebook status to "In a relationship"! Are. You. Fucking. Kiddin'? I can almost here the Liberal weenies out there calling for the Feds to clamp down on Facebook. "Ban the Relationship Status" on Facebook! "Facebook Hates Women!" The possibilities are endless for an enterprising Commie Pussy.

What I Think

Where do I begin? First, Michael Nuanes has no place in the Denver Police Department or any civil service positon. He's a coward, a bully and a big pussy for laying his hands on a woman like that. Second, send the cocksucker prison and let him find out how fun it is to be slapped around by somebody bigger than he is. Third, while he's in the Big House, send him a lifetime supply of Soap on a Rope. If he were to drop a regular bar of soap in the prison shower, the right to remain silent goes out the window.

Fuck Michael Nuanes.


Monday, April 29, 2013

Restaurant Gets Lousy Review; Restaurant Owner Starts Porn Site Under Reviewer's Name!

From HuffPo via the Ottawa Citizen:


Let's play "Make Believe".    
Marisol Simoes Mambo Restaurant
Marisol Simoes, Bidnesswoman

Let's pretend that you are a restaurant owner and you give what a customer decides is lousy service and a sub par meal. That's the customer's right. It is also the right of the customer in question to post an online review of said lousy service and meal. What would you do in such a case?

I know what Marisol Simoes did. She created a profile of the customer on a sex site!

Nothing good can come of this as Ms. Simoes learned.

The hard way.

The Dish

Marisol owns a couple of "trendy" restaurants in Ottawa. Elayna Katz is the customer who spilled the beans on the crummy service and some black olives she didn't want on a pasta dish she ordered. Marisol took exception to the bad press.

So, like any good bidness owner, Marisol sought revenge! How?

According to HuffPo, "Marisol Simoes, the owner of two trendy eateries in Ottawa, Canada, created a fake sex site profile of a customer who wrote negative online reviews of Simoes' Mambo restaurant. The 42-year-old restaurateur also pretended to be the customer in lewd emails sent to the customer's bosses that said she was a “tiger in the bedroom” who was transgender and who liked group sex, according to the Ottawa Citizen."

Wouldn't an apology and a free meal have been a much better idea?

And as it turns out, much cheaper, too. 

Katz took Simoes to court.

Court Battle

It appears as though Marisol was too fucking stoopid to know that are ways of getting caught doing malicious shit like this and that they are ways to trace your IP address!

The cops traced the IP addy used to set up the sex site profile to Simoes, a legal battle ensued and Marisol Simoes was found guilty of some serious libel charges. She is due to be sentenced in November.

HuffPo tells us “It’s slightly ironic that the one thing [Simoes] was trying to avoid was the one thing that came out of all of this,” Katz told the Ottawa Citizen, referring to how much media attention the trial has attracted, compared to that of the original reviews.

I told you that an apology and a free meal would have been a better approach.Tiger.

By the way, the name of one of Marisol's eateries? Kinki's. How apropo.


Sunday, April 28, 2013

DUI of Hand Sanitizer!

Best of Dumbass News 

Why didn't I think of this when I was a Professional Drinker?

Drunks or addicts are always looking for a new cheap way to get high. They resort to over the counter medications like Sudafed, Nyquil or even mouthwash in order to get a buzz. I am sure you have heard of this.

Just yesterday, however, I discovered a way to get a buzz on that would not in a million years have crossed my mind, and now that I know about it, still wouldn't do it. But it's a novel idea nonetheless.

The latest "magic elixir"? Hand sanitizer. Yes, that stuff you wash your hands with to get all those pesky viruses and other bad shit off of them. Not only does hand sanitizer rid your hands of bacteria that could make you sick, it packs quite a wallop evidently.


Clean Hands & a Clean Liver
A lady gets pulled over while driving because she was all over the road and nearly hit a parked car. Upon  approaching the lady, the office who pulled her over smelled alcohol. The lady denied that she had been drinking. At least she hadn't been drinking likker. She had been slammin' down hand sanitizer!

According to the Daily Mail, upon further review, she later admitted to downing half of a large bottle of hand sanitizer.
Medical experts said a 20z bottle of the liquid contains about the equivalent in alcohol of four vodka shots.
Wilcox, from Middlebury, Connecticut, is thought to have drank the equivalent of 32 shots giving her blood alcohol level of 0.17
In an interview with News 8 Wilcox, who decline to have her photograph taken, admitted to drinking hand sanitizer.

She said: 'I just saw it there so I drank it.'
When asked how much she drank, she replied: 'Half a bottle.'
She told the TV station she drank from a big bottle but after being charged with DUI said it was the last time.

  • Hand sanitizer? Really?
  • Why?
  • Cheap vodka is only about seven bucks a bottle and tastes much better, I'm sure.
  • It was "just there"? Clorox Bleach is "just there", but I can assure you that I have absolutely no inclination to grab a shot glass and go to town on it.
  • If it's that good, why stop at half a bottle? Only amateur drinkers do this. Go for the Big Time, baby! Slam the whole damn bottle!   
  • How many hospital workers feel the urge to knock back a few shots of hand sanitizer while on duty? That shit is everywhere in hospitals and those people are under a tremendous amount of stress.
  • I will now take a Breathalyzer with me to all doctor visits and the occasional trip to the hospital. 
  • This is what happens when you live in a Communist State like Connecticut.
  • This calls for immediate Hand Sanitizer Control measures.
  • When they outlaw hand sanitizer, only outlaws will have hand sanitizer.
  • They can pry my hand sanitizer from my cold dead hands.
  • Does Rite Aid have this stuff on sale?

Saturday, April 27, 2013

New Item at Dunkin: Donut Ho!

Best of Dumbass News

There's a Dunkin Donuts on Route 46 in Parsippany, New Jersey that has added an item to their menu. Dunkin calls the new item is called "The Extra Sugar". Local cops call it prostitution. I would have called it the "donut hole", but I am a sick, twisted freak.  Let me splain.
America Humps on Dunkin

Melissa Redmond works the overnight shift at one of the local Dunkin Donuts in Parsippany and it seems that she was serving more than donuts and coffee to some of her customers. After receiving a tip from an informant, cops set up surveillance and observed Melissa leaving her post in the store to go to the cars of select customers, stay for 10 or 15 minutes and then return to work. It didn't take long for the cops to catch on so Melissa the Donut Ho was arrested for selling "Extra Sugar". Dumbass.

One of the first things that popped into my mind when I read this story was why in the name of all that is Holy would someone some sell their "coolatta" from a donut shop? Think about it. Donuts. Cops. Those two go together like Justin Bieber music and syrup of ipecac. But, I digress.

The moral to the story is twofold. First, being a hooker is bad. Second, being a hooker where a cops shows up every five minutes is just plain stoopid. If a woman wants to sell her "creme filled" pastry, sell it where the cops DO NOT show up! Like at a Likker Store. :)


Friday, April 26, 2013

Mad Dog 20/20: Artist's Imagination in a Bottle

Down in The Big Apple (from where I sit, it's down there) they grow some of the best Dumbasses in the world. They still have a way to go before catching up with California, but there are some mighty fine Dumbasses in New York City.

Like This Guy:
Brooklyn Bridge

There's an "artist" in NYC that has a weird, nay, dumbass idea for the Brooklyn Bridge. I think that "artist" in this case means "he who drinks too much Mad Dog 20/20", but I digress. Leon Reid, IV, (the artist) wants to build a 30ft by 15ft spider on the world famous bridge. Mad Dog tends to do shit like that to the mind after a while. Quick aside: who the hell names their kid "Leon" for four generations? This is further proof that not only Leon is a Mad Dog kinda guy, but his parents and those relatives all the way up to his Great Grandfather were fucking drunks. Anyway, Leon was walking across the Brooklyn Bridge with his wife, who is a boxed wine drinker, and through the powers of inebriation and Dumbassery, Leon said to himself one day, "Hey, wouldn't a 30ft by 15ft spider look great in this bridge?!" His wife simply said, 'Buuuuuurrrrpppppp." Leon took that as a "yes". "I'm trying to draw a similarity between the architecture of humankind and that of spiders," Leon Reid IV told The New York Post. I think Leon is trying to show a connection between too much Mad Dog and the accompanying hallucinations it produces. Once again, Mrs. Leon, the boxed wine drinker said, "Buuuuuurrrrrppppp". This time Leon took that as "I am almost out of boxed wine" from his lovely bride.

There are a couple of roadblocks on the artistic (and drunk) highway that Leon travels. One such roadblock is, of course, money. This project will require eight hundred thousand dollars to complete. What the hell!!?? Leon plans to finance the big spider by redeeming all of his old Mad Dog 20/20 bottles. Each bottle carries a 15 cent cash deposit, further proving that Leon slams MD 20/20 like a baby drinks milk if he can round up 800 grand like that. OK, I made the old MD bottles thing up. Where do you think Leon will get the funds he needs? My guess is from the taxpayers of New York City! And the Mayor of NYC, El Bloombito, is just dumbass enough to grant Leon his wishes. Which leads us to Roadblock Number 2, permission from the City to build the spider on the bridge. But that's a mere formality as El Bloombito will likely give Leon the cheese anyway.

I do this post as a public service to the residents of New York City. So far, New Yorkers, we have learned that Leon is a Mad Dog Dumbass and upon imbibing an adequate amount of said vino, Leon sees weird shit and wants to build big weird shit on bridges. Leon should be institutionalized and put on some safe medication like Demerol. It can't be nearly as powerful as the Mad Dog. While being "treated", I also propose that the staff at the Funny Farm cut into Leon's gazebo holder and snip that little tube that makes babies - in this case, babies named Leon V, etc., and babies prone to Mad Dog abuse.

A lobotomy might not be a bad idea either. I'm just sayin'.

Leon's wife says, "Buuuuuuurrrrrrrrppppp."


Thursday, April 25, 2013

The Drunk Lady & The 9-1-1 Lonely Hearts Club

9-1-1 is to be used only in situations where an emergency situation exists or is immanent, like when a crime is committed or during a medical crisis.

Ninety-nine per cent of the people who utilize 9-1-1 are doing so within the parameters of its intended use.

The other 1% are Dumbasses.

For Example
  • Many 9-1-1 calls come from people who wish to do themselves harm. On the odd occasion a call like this is a fake. That's where the marijuana comes in.
  • Sometimes a Dumbass just needs a cold beer. That's when 9-1-1 comes in handy.
  • One Dumbass called 9-1-1 to order a cheeseburger! NINE times!
As I'm sure you have ascertained by now, these are all exceedingly good reasons to disrupt emergency police, fire and EMS calls. That is unless your are the police, fire department or ambulance service. Those guys tend to take a dimmer view of such shenanigans than does your run of the mill Dumbass.

In other words, the people who man those agencies have absolutely no sense of humor.

Today I came across a Dumbass who has a very good reason for abusing the 9-1-1 system.


Flori-duh Again picks up the story: "Fleurette French, 64, of Vero Beach, faces a charge of abuse of 911 after authorities responded to a a medical call on March 30.

"Ms. French called 911 for a medical issue as well as she had been drinking," the arrest affidavit said."Ms. French was in no obvious stress when EMS assessed her, she was highly intoxicated."

A firefighter/paramedic on the scene reported that she told him the real reason she called 911 was "because she was lonely," the report said.

She had also called 911 earlier that same day and four other times, authorities said.

"On each of the aforementioned dates and times, Ms. French was transported to Indian River County Medical Center as well as she was intoxicated on each instance," the affidavit said." 

I now have a picture in my mind of Drunk Lonely Little Old Ladies all across The Fruited Plain getting blasted, dialing 9-1-1 looking for engaging conversation with some poor schlub at the Emergency Call Center. 

All because they read this story.

Damn, now I'm hungry for a cheeseburger.

Hello, 9-1-1? I'd like to place an order to be delivered...


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

I'm Rich! I Have "An Unclaimed Fund in the West Africa Region"!

Well, whaddaya know! I am "having an unclaimed fund in the West African region"!
West Africa Region

And all this time I thought I'd be a poor fucker for the rest of my life.

But that's all changed now because I am "having an unclaimed fund in the West African region"! Praise Gawd and pass the Cashier's Check!

You may not believe this, but I am also having a bit of skepticism about "having an unclaimed fund in the West African region."

My "having an unclaimed fund in the West African region" must be true though, I got it in an official email from the "Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division" of the FBI!

See for yourself, Doubting Thomas:





Ref: FBI/DC/25/113/13/2013

Urgent attention needed

We found out through our global intelligence monitoring network that you are
having an unclaimed fund in the West African region.

Many person(s) have knew about this unclaimed fund that is yet to be paid to
you, so they use the medium in contacting you about the unclaimed fund just to
extort money from you.

We are using this medium to inform you now that your said fund is held by an
insurance company in the West African region, so do not respond to email(s)
you receive from this impostors claiming to be one organization or the other.

For confirmation if truly you have an unclaimed fund with the insurance
company in Western part of Africa, you are advise to contact the GOLD LINK

They will give you their website for you to check your name on the list of
beneficiaries that are yet to receive their unclaimed fund, If your name is on
the list then you can proceed with the next step on claiming your held fund
from them.

Below is the contact details of the GOLD LINK INSURANCE COMPANY.

You are to contact Mr. Tayo Oba of the Gold Link Insurance Company directly
with the information as given below.

Mr. Tayo Oba
Email :


Yours Faithfully


cc: gold link insurance plc (glip)
cc: general intelligence department (GID)
cc federal bureau of investigation (FBI)
cc .internet crime complaint center (ic3)
cc: Counterterrorism Division (CTD)
cc: international monetary fund (IMF)
cc: Criminal Justice Information Services (CJIS)
cc: international banking security association (IBSA)
cc: FBI Police (FBIP)
cc: Counterterrorism Division (CTD)
cc: national white collar crime center (NW3C)
cc: bureau of justice assistance (BJA)
cc: economic and financial crimes commission (EFCC)

I mean, hell, just look at all those "cc:" notations! There's even one to the "National White Collar Crime Center"! And I gotta tell you, there is nobody and I mean NOBODY more against National White Collar Crime than your Beloved Fearless Leader!

Still doubt the authenticity of my "having an unclaimed fund in the West African region"? There's also a "cc:" notation to the "General Intelligence Department"! I'm generally an intelligent guy so how about that, Mr. NonBelieverMcSmartyPants?

I am further convinced that this shit is real because of all those official-looking acronyms. No Bad Guy in the whole wide world would ever use phony acronyms when notifying some poor schlub like me about "having an unclaimed fund in the West African region". NW3C, glip, ic3...if that ain't real I'll kiss your ass in the middle of Downtown Dallas and give you an hour to draw a crowd. I. Am. That. Sure.

There's no way in hell that my "having an unclaimed fund in the West African region" is fake like the Nigerian FBI's promise to put five million dollars on an ATM card for me. Granted, Nigeria is in western Africa, but my "having an unclaimed fund in the West Africa region" is probably in an honest western Africa country like Sierra Leone or Senegal.

Why, this email even states that there are some really naughty people who would try to rip me off using a scam similar to this legitimate transaction.  "Many person(s) have knew about this unclaimed fund that is yet to be paid to you, so they use the medium in contacting you about the unclaimed fund just to extort money from you." See? Many person(s) have knew that there are unscrupulous cads in "the West Africa region" who would try to pull a fast one on me. But not the Gold Link Insurance Company! Gold Link even warned me about the possibility of fraud: "do not respond to email(s) you receive from this impostors claiming to be one organization or the other."

I'll be passing along all the pertinent personal information to you ASAP! I'll also click the link and verify that I am indeed entitled to the benefits of "having an unclaimed fund in the West Africa region". Following the prescribed protocol I can rest assured that, as you so eloquently put it, I'll "be at the safe side."

Yesiree, Bob, I am gonna be filthy fucking rich!

Thanks, Tayo Oba!


Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Bad Idea of the Day: Committing Robbery at a Police Station

Best of Dumbass News

There are Dumbasses and then there are Dumbasses. The story that I am about to tell you about is one of the latter - a full tilt boogie Dumbass. And a Future Prison Bitch.

Every day, I write about the stoopid shit that people do. That's my job as Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde - to write about Dumbasses and the incredibly insane stunts they pull. The subject of today's post is the leader at the halfway pole in the race for Dumbass of the Year, 2012And that is saying a whole lot.

What I Mean

I did two quick mouse clicks and accessed the archives to Dumbass News and randomly picked out some posts from three consecutive days. These three stories (Nekkid Maids in Lubbock Woman Takes Dump on Interstate & 73 Year Old Granny Dope Dealer)were, until I cam across today's Dumbass, certainly receiving due consideration as Dumbass of the Year nominees. Not any more. The guy who stars in today's episode of Dumbass News smokes the competition like a cheap cigar when it comes to the DoY candidates thus far in 2012. But, there is hope! While today's Dumbass may be the Leader in the Clubhouse, it's not even June yet, so who knows what Dumbasses await us over the next six months?

Gimme All Your Money!

When I read those few words as reportedly used in the commission of an illegal act, I think of a bank robbery. Or of some dipshit knocking off a 7-11. Or even a simple mugging. Today, I would be wrong.

Let me splain.

In the Dallas-area town of Wilmer, Texas (it's near Hutchins...:) ) lives the Dumbass whose name will live on in Wilmer History long after his Earthly Demise. He will be forever known as the Dumbass Who Did the Stoopidest Thing in the Annals of Stoopid Things Done in Wilmer, Texas or Anywhere Else.

Keithan Manuel is an 18 year old Wilmer resident. From what I could ascertain from the source article from CBS News, Keithan had had dealings with the Wilmer Police in the past. Anyway, Keithan (and who the hell names a kid "Keithan"? A Dumbass, that's who. So it looks like Keithan came across being an idiot genetically) went to the WPD to check on some information on an arrest warrant. Nothing dumbass about that.

Then Keithan opened his mouth.

Upon approaching the Police Clerk, did Keithan cheerfully greet the Clerk with a familiar Texas "Howdy!" Nope. How about a "Good morning/afternoon"? Not this time. Keithan, with all the youthful exuberance he could muster said, "Give me all your money!" OFFICIAL DUMBASS REMINDER: Keithan just demanded money from an on-duty Police Officer right smack dab in the middle of the Wilmer (Texas) Police Department! Did I mention that he also told the clerk that he (Keithan) was carrying a pistol? And that his hands were wrapped up inside a white towel as if he were holding something (a pistol maybe?) there? I have now.

As a Texan, I can assure you without one scentilla of hesitation or doubt, that this is NOT a good thing to do at a Police Station in Texas. The Law Enforcement Community in Texas, especially small towns, consists of men and women whose close relationship to the people they serve is considered to be of paramount importance in helping them discharge their duties as sworn Peace Officers as smoothly as possible. Again, as a Texan, I can also state categorically that walking into a building occupied by fully armed and highly trained Texas cops demanding money and announcing that you are packing a rod as if trying to commit a robbery, is not only a dumbass thing to do, but it is also a good way to gain 10 - 12 extra pounds. Ten or twelve pounds of .45 calibre hollow points that have, with great prejudice, been dispatched into to your torso courtesy of Messieurs Smith and Wesson.
The Joker

He Was Joking!

Later, at the Dallas County Jail, Keithan told a local TV station that "I play like that all the time. I didn't think she would take it seriously". What a kidder that Keithan is! It's a cryin' shame that a young man can't even walk into a Police Station with what appears to be a weapon wrapped inside a towel, announce to the Police Clerk that he is armed, demand the clerk's money and then not have a good chortle with the Guys on Duty! What's the world coming to? 

To top it all offKeithan (what a pussy name) now spends his days in the Dallas County Big House under a total of $300,000 bail wondering why can't the Wilmer (Texas) Police just have a sense of humor and what life in the Texas Department of Corrections holds for him. Prison bitch, anyone?

Where are Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson when you need them? Oh, wait. There's no money to be made in this case. Sad, ain't it?

Did I say how much I hated the name "Keithan"?


Monday, April 22, 2013

Here's Your (Dumbass) Sign! (Now w/UPDATE!)

Quick Update: Be sure to click on the "Follow "Dumbass News" on Social Media" tab so you'll never be far from the best Dumbassery on the internet! We're on Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus and Klout! (More to be added later!)

There are many keys to making a bidness successful - a quality product, competitive pricing, location, location, location(!) amongst others.

A good cheap way to let potential customers know something about your bidness is signage. A sign can say a lot about what you have to offer.

A sign can also reveal what kind of Dumbass is running the bidness.

This will also get you the prompt attention of the local authorities.

Turds only need apply.

Some signs perform a public service.

Honesty is the best policy.

Tight fit.

Couldn't they just call it "Porno Pond"?

Three squares a day.

 Soon Darkness will envelope the world!

Did she leave her phone number?


Sunday, April 21, 2013

"The Walking Dead" - A Leading Cause of Attempted Murder

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Best of Dumbass News (12/11/2012)

After a little over two years, 793 posts and somewhere in the neighborhood of a million words, I am again making Dumbass News History.

Mark this date on your calendar as the date that I capitulated to The Zombie Craze.

They're Dead and They're Everywhere

I don't get it, this Zombie Craze. Why this morbid fascination with flesh-eating dead people?

No Cable TV

I am a Poor White Guy, man of meager resources. For all the Liberals in the audience, that means that live within a very strict budget, forgoing some of life's luxuries like cable/satellite TV or a cell phone. I am, however, able to splurge on an internet connection. This fact alone separates me from are known as Piss Poor White Guys. Piss Poor White Guys don't even have enough money to budget out. These are the White Guys you see selling cheap ass roses at busy intersections in big cities. So I consider myself lucky to be a Poor White Guy since I a) have a little money to budget out and b) I don't have to sell cheap ass roses on a busy intersection.

Having said all that, I do allow myself the indulgence of subscribing to Netflix.

TV Marathons
I'm not much of a TV Guy. I rarely make use of my Netflix account. Mrs. Fearless Leader on the other hand, puts the "flix" in "net". She's a Subscription TV Demon. She watches shit that I never knew existed. She also watches stuff that is popular enough that I have heard of it, but would otherwise avoid like a swift kick to the gazebos (nuts).

A few months ago I sat through every. single. episode of eight seasons of Desperate Housewives. Then it was Grey's Anatomy. Now the crap du jour is The Walking Dead. I find very little, if any, socially redeeming value or entertainment quality to this particular program. Mrs. Fearless Leader, like millions of other Dumbasses, many of them in my Twitter timeline (@RealDumbassNews), loves it.

The Walking Dead

When my wife has an episode of The Walking Dead cranked up, I don't watch it. It's merely
background noise to me. But, every once in a while the TV will emit some of the most disgusting sounds ever heard by the human ear and I turn my head to see what the hell's going on. Usually it involves some soulless zombie trying to eat a live person all the while violently gurgling like Michael Moore slobbering over a Big Mac. This does not appeal to me.

After much study (nearly 10 minutes worth), I have come to the conclusion that this TV show, The Walking Dead, is also a leading cause of gunshot wounds.

In New York, Nassau County Detective Lt. Raymond Cote said Jared Gurman, 26, argued via text messages with his girlfriend, Jessica Gelderman, 27, just after 2:30 a.m. Monday about the possibility of a zombie apocalypse as depicted on the AMC series, The Walking Dead.

"He feels strongly about the possibility that some military mishap could occur. She thinks it's ridiculous," ABC News quoted Cote as saying. She was not taking him seriously or taking the show as seriously as he does. 

This is when Jared shot Jessica! In. The. Back.

Jared has been charged with attempted murder.

The next time Heather is watching The Walking Dead, you can bet your sweet ass that I will be paying close attention and the .22 will be safely locked away.


Saturday, April 20, 2013

Late Night Internet Cut Off, So Teen Drugs Parents' Milk Shakes!

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You can also drop me a line or send in a Dumbass News-worthy story recommendation to realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. 

Let the Social Media Dumbass Deluge begin!

Don't be a dumbass, be a Dumbass!

I am the father of four Little Dumbasses. Yes, I have polluted the gene pool with my progeny. I would say that procreating was a youthful indiscretion, but that would be untrue. And you know me, I am all about honesty - except when a good lie will save your ass. Anyway, I have four kids ranging in age from 6 to 34. The older kids (my sons) could be classified as the results of "youthful indiscretion". My two youngest? Not so much.

For the sake of this story, let's forget about my 30 and 34 year old sons. It's my two Little Girl Dumbasses (6 & 10 years old) that are kind of relevant to this story. I say kind of because they are too young right now to do what the girl in today's story did to her parents. This story does, however, serve as a warning and reminder that one day my two sweet little girls will be maniacal, revenge-minded, rebellious, fuck-you-Dad teenagers.

As for now I keep a pretty tight rein on my daughters. They don't always appreciate my fatherly protectiveness. But that's OK for now because I can still kick their asses if they go on a would-be patricidal rampage. In another few years, the shoe just might be on the other foot where they can kick my ass. Until then, my house, my rules. End. Of. Story.

Milk Shake Mickeys

A couple in Rocklin, Cal-ee-forn-ya are the parents of a 16 year old girl. They, like me, keep a close eye on their daughter's activities. One thing that the parents were very strict about was that the girl was not allowed on the internet after 10 PM. That sounds very reasonable...unless you are a 16 year old girl.

After much complaining and fit throwing about this restriction on internet use, the teenager hatched a plan so she could stay online past the appointed hour. She did what any kid her age would do under similar circumstances - she drugged her parents' milk shakes with prescription sleeping pills that she got from a 15 year old friend. I guess that's one way to skin a cat.


The parents took a couple of swigs off the milk shakes, noticed that they tasted odd and stopped drinking them. But it was too late. They had drunk enough of the milk shake mickies to knock them out for the night.

After the parents woke up from their unexpected nap, they took a drug test and then confronted their daughter about the situation. She confessed to the scheme, ratted out her friend and was arrested.

Notes to Self   
  1. Plan ahead for potential internet use insurrection.
  2. Be flexible with daughters' hours of internet use.
  3. Stay in good physical shape in case an ass kickin' is in order. Their asses, not mine.
  4. If not in good physical condition, keep Louisville Slugger handy.
  5. Order one of those "I've fallen and can't get up" emergency thingys.
  6. Under no circumstances accept milk shake from daughters.
  7. Fuck it. 

Friday, April 19, 2013

Americans Love Congress More Than Meth Labs & Cockroaches!

The recent hullabaloo over gun control has put the United States Congress front and center in the news even more than normal over the last several weeks. This contentious debate has been a sobering reminder of just how much the American people love and respect our Elected Dumbasses. And by "love and respect" I of course mean "loathe and despise".

With that in mind, I thought it would be a good time to reprise this story from January of this year reaffirming our opinion of the men and women in whose hands we place the very destiny of our Representative Republic.

There's an old saying that goes something like this, "if 'con' is the opposite of 'pro', is 'Congress' the opposite of 'progress'?" The answer to that query is a resounding "hell yes!".

I am not the only one that feels this way.

Let me splain.

They Asked, You Replied

Public Policy Polling, a nationally recognized polling firm, recently asked 830 Americans from around the country a "series of either/or questions about Congress vs some very unpleasant alternatives".

For example, when pitted against the Kardashians, Congress comes out ahead. Our elected representatives, and I use the term "representatives" very loosely here, also edged out:
  1. North Korea
  2. Fidel Castro
  3. Lindsay Lohan
  4. The ebola virus
  5. Communism (although it's difficult to distinguish the current bunch in Washington, DC from your garden variety Commie; see numbers 1 & 2)
  6. Meth labs
  7. Gonorrhea
I'm sure the United States Congress is very happy that it out-polls perhaps the most oppressive gubmint in the world, one of the most despised mass murdering dictators in history, a deadly disease, an illegal narcotic, an actress with a well publicized drinking and drug problem and a venereal disease. I know that this puts a song in my heart. <----oozing with sarcasm.

The list above is the good news in this story.

The Bad News

Wanna hear some of the nasty shit that, according to this poll, Americans have a better opinion of when compared to your US Gubmint?
  1. Genghis Khan - At least he fought wars to win. Right, Mr. Preznit?
  2. Fwance - Proving we have become a nation of pussies....thanks Obama voters!
  3. Donald Trump - Can he fire 535 people all at once?
  4. Traffic jams - Nothing says I hate Congress more than sniffing automobile emissions on a sweltering summer day in Houston.
  5. Nickelback (the rock band) - So what? Like Congress, this band is long on BS, short on substance.
  6. Root canals - If only Novocaine could dull the pain of the House & Senate.
  7. Colonoscopies - at least you expect to take it up the ass with a colonoscopy.
  8. Cockroaches - Like the cucarachas in DC, they scatter when you turn on the light and they are impervious to insecticides.
There ya go, America. That's how the idjits who make the laws we live by stack up against such formidable competition as the ordinary cockroach, murderous despots and  having a medical device shoved up your anal cavity.

What a country!

God help us all.


Thursday, April 18, 2013

Tragedy! "Dumbass News" Blog Roll Disappears!

The Blog Gremlins have struck Dumbass News!

I went to add a new blog to the "Dumbasses I Read" gadget when I noticed that all the other blogs on the list disappeared! I have no idea why this happened but it did and now I have to go back and re-add the whole damn blog roll!

This may take a couple of days to do, so please bear with me as I fix this thing.

If you were on the "Dumbass I Read" list, and after a few days do not see your blog on there, please send me an email to realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com and I'll add you back post haste. On the other hand, if you were not on my blogroll and would like to be put on it, you too can send me a note via email or in the comment section of any post on Dumbass News.

Thanks for your understanding and patience.

I am a Dumbass.

Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

Dumbass Carjacks Porsche, Can't Drive It; It's a Stick Shift!

Car thieves are a clever bunch. Generally speaking. The world of GTA also has its share of dumbasses who are not quite ready for prime time.

We have covered car thefts before here on Dumbass News and those stories have regaled us with many seconds hours of laughter and amusement. Take for instance the couple who stole a car to use as a getaway ride after committing some credit card thefts only to be busted by the car owner's boyfriend when he saw them driving the purloined Porsche as they drove up next to the bus he was riding in. Or the story of the guy who claimed he couldn't be arrested for Grand Theft Auto because the car he stole was already stolen! Even Dumbasses on stolen golf carts are getting in on the action.

Now comes a guy who stole a car only to be thwarted by a transmission.

Here's the deal.

Being Shifty

Eighteen year old Anthony Reynolds was like any other Newark, New Jersey kid his age. He is a criminal. A car thief to be exact. Tony Boy had been waiting for just the right moment and just the right car to come along before he carjacked it and then sold it to the nearest "chop shop", just like many other Newark teenagers.

Automatic Transmission Preferred
Finally, the Big Moment arrived. The perfect car and the perfect time. Anthony quickly seized upon this once in a lifetime opportunity. He brandished a hand gun at the car's driver, forced him out of the Porsche and sped off. Well, not exactly sped off. More like griiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnndddddd and sputter. The car our Dumbass decided to hijack was a stick shift. This is where things went south for Anthony and his dreams of becoming a Carjacking Legend in Newark.

He did not know how to drive a stick shift! End of dream.

Anthony quickly realized what was up and he eventually did speed off, but he sped off on foot not in the Porsche. It is my considered opinion that "speeding off" on foot is nowhere near a fast as speeding off in an $80,000 sports car that goes from standing still to 60 MPH in just over six seconds. My theory on foot speed versus Porsche speed proved correct when Anthony was arrested a short time later. Still on foot.

Luck Favors a Prepared Mind

That's one of my favorite sayings. Luck favors a prepared mind. Profound, ain't it?

Now if only Tony Poo has planned ahead and knew how to drive a stick, he might not be in the jam he is in today. If he had only taken about ten minutes of GTA stick shift training from a more experienced thug...But, he didn't and now he's a Prison Bitch

Maybe Anthony should have started of with something small, like a Volkswagen or Toyota. Oh, wait. Many of those come with standard transmissions as well.

Anthony was fucked from the get go.

Alas, his dreams shattered and his prison bitchery assured, Anthony Reynolds will rue the day he tried to jack a German-made sports car with a stick shift.

Maybe Tony Poo can take automotive classes in the Big House in between ass reamings and learn the intricacies of the modern manual tranny. And by tranny, I don't mean other prison bitches.


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Guy Lets Ex-Girlfriend the Dentist Work On His Teeth; What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

From April, 30, 2012

As a man who has said "I do" on more than one occasion, I can not emphasize to you the importance of maintaining at least a civil relationship with your former spouse. Doing so could save you a shit load of grief and misfortune at a later date. Trust. Me. On. This. One.
I do not speak with one of my former spouses, although I do not hold any ill will towards her. She has her life. I have mine. Our kids are all grown up now and they have and/or are in the process of having their own children.  Besides, she lives in the Midwest, I live in New England. That way the shit works out right.
ObamaCare Dental Patient

I am Facebook friends with another ex-wife and we get along very well. I actually like her. I know her husband and like him very much, too. He's a great guy. As far as she and I are concerned, I think it's pretty simple. She sees life differently because she was near death after a terrible automobile accident. Me? I see life differently because I quit drinking. Plus, we are twenty years older than we were when we were hitched and I'd like to think that we've both "matured" a little bit over the last two decades.

My current wife, whom I adore, is Eye-talian. I dare not piss her off  because she has male relatives named Frankie, Vito, Guido, Vinnie and Sal. Enough said.

These kind of cordial interactions between exes are not always the case.

Let me splain.

Don't Piss Off the Cook

You know the old sayings like "you don't pull on Superman's cape", "you don't spit into the wind", "you don't pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger" and "you don't mess around with Jim" ( There ya go, Rachel! :) ), I am sure.

I'd like to pass along another "don't piss off..." warning to you. Don't piss off the cook. The cook being the one who is preparing your food and has every opportunity to do vile and disgusting things to your meal should you unreasonably irritate him/her. This Rule of Life is alterable by substituting another word for "cook". Like, let's say, "dentist". Especially a dentist who is your ex-lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/whatever.

Marek Olszewski learned this lesson the hard way.

Let me further splain.

The Toothache That Lead to Disaster

Some background to the story: Our Pollack friend Marek developed a toothache. He made an appointment with the dentist. But, fellow Dumbasses, this was no ordinary tooth yanker. This particular perturbed puller of pearly whites was Marek's ex-girlfriend! In my humble Dumbass opinion, nothing good could come from this. Not even a bad tooth. A bad tooth and 31 other perfectly good teeth perhaps. Woops! I gave away the punch line.

The ex-girlfriend dentist, Anna, said that she tried to "be professional and detach myself from my emotions, but when I saw him lying there I just thought, 'What a b-----d.'" So, like any spark-spittin' mad bitch with a set of pliers and access to narcotics, Anna set out for revenge. She sedated Marek and carefully extracted his bad tooth. Then she pulled a good tooth. Then she removed another good tooth. And another. And another. Soon, Marek was as toothless as a meth-addicted moonshiner from West Virginia. 

Upon completion of the malicious molar mauling, Anna wrapped Marek's face up in bandages so he wouldn't realize that he had NO teefahs left in his head. He did, however, notice that he couldn't feel any teeth in his mouth and Anna told him that it just the numbness from the medication she had given him and that the feeling would wear off when the drugs did. 

Enter the mirror.

He Thought She was "Trustworthy"

Looking into a mirror confirmed Marek's worst suspicions. He would be gumming his steaks and burgers for the foreseeable future. There was enough empty space in his mouth, just like his head, to park a 1956 Cadillac Fleetwood. Here's what Marek had to say, "I didn't have any reason to doubt her -- I mean, I thought she was a professional". Famous last words of a Dumbass. "But when I got home I looked in the mirror and I couldn't fucking believe it! The bitch emptied my mouth!"

Dude, trusting a pissed off lady dentist who just happened to be your ex to pull a tooth should have been your first clue that this was not a good idea. The second clue should have been your membership card to "Dumbasses of America".

It Gets Better

This is not the end of this ordeal for Marek. Not only did our Dumbass lose all his teeth in this episode, he also lost his current girlfriend! The reason the current gal pal dumped him? He has no teeth! She said she just couldn't date a man who didn't have any teeth. bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Now that's funny!

I guess asking her for a blow job is out of the question.

Did I mention that this shit took place in England where dental hygiene is right up there with eating Coon Ass (Cajun) food? It. Ain't. Happenin'.

Did I also mention that England has nationalized health care? This is what they deserve for enacting that shit. no offense to Ma and Pa Limey, just the fucking Commies who enacted and run the UK version of Obamacare. See what we are in for, America? But I digress.

Anna Gets Yanked 

Anna is under investigation for medical malpractice and could face three years in an English prison playing "hide the suction hose" with other young ladies who have teeth. By that I mean no teeth in the head but teeth in other orifices of their bodies. I'll leave it at that.

Have fun, Anna! By your actions, you have merited the old "broom handles area girl's best friend" treatment.


Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Boston: Under Attack!

I am sad.

More than that, I am pissed off.

Make that furious.

My country has again come under attack. Attacked by blood thirsty barbarians with no regard for the lives of the innocent, sons of bitches whose only calling card is that of death, destruction and the maiming of the unsuspecting and most vulnerable.

In the blink of an eye, the splendor of a sun soaked April day in one of America's most historic cities transformed from excitement into horror. Without warning, the enthusiastic cheers of tens of thousands of spectators at the running of the 117th running of the Boston Marathon became ear-piercing screams of terror. The once-festive scene of Americans watching one of the oldest sporting events in the United States was now a backdrop of slaughter and bloodshed, with at least three dead, including an eight year old boy, and a hundred or so injured, many seriously.

There are mass murderers in my metaphorical back yard. Yet for the people of Boston, this act of cowardice and wanton destruction took place at their front door step. I can not imagine the gamut of emotions that must be flooding the hearts and minds of my fellow Americans in Beantown.
The homicidal maniacs responsible for this bloody undertaking ultimately will be found and hopefully face Justice in its harshest form. They can run but they can not hide. They can slink around in the shadows of evil, but they can not escape the light of vengeance.

God bless Boston and may God continue to bless the United States of America.

***Images from Bing Search. Attributions May Be Found There***

Monday, April 15, 2013

Monkey Bidness: The Dumbass & the Go-rilla

I think we have come across a first here at Dumbass News. I say "I think" because I used all the relevant search terms to scour the blog archives for a similarly themed story. My efforts were in vain. I was looking for a post relating to monkeys. Or chimps. Or gorillas. The closest I came to meeting that criterion was this post about King Kong. Even that story wasn't about the real King Kong, just some ugly bitch who liked like the Big Ape.

Therefore, I believe we are about to boldly go where we have never gone before. Kind of like Star Trek.

Except we are in the alternate universe known as the Dumbass Divergence.

San Antone

Famous San Antonio Lez Bean Gorilla
A Dumbass named Paul Nimnicht (which is dangerously close to "Paul Numbnuts") was on the North Side of the Alamo City at a nightclub called CoCo Bongo (are we sure that this idiot's last name is not "Numbnuts"? CoCo Bongo? Really?) when he suddenly bolted from the premises darting into traffic and was greeted by a white Infinity. And by "greeted by" I mean "flattened like an IHOP short stack". This is not really all that odd, even for San Antonio, considering that Numbnuts could have been commode huggin' drunk and in dire need of being run over by a passing automobile. That's merely speculation, and the recollection of a similar incident involving me and a Ford F-250 Pick Up Truck in Dallas and The Busy Bee Gentlemen's Club, on my part though.

The strange part of this tale is that, at the time of his untimely confrontation with a luxury automobile, Numbnuts was being chased by a guy in a gorilla suit! As a Former Professional Drinker, let me assure you that being three sheets to the wind and simultaneously being aggressively pursued by a fellow dressed like King Kong can be a very disconcerting experience for the pursuee. To be honest, getting smacked by an Infinity was in a weird sort of way probably some form of relief for poor Numbnuts.

The Posse

At this point the San Antonio Police are involved and are pouring over the vicinity looking for a Dumbass in a gorilla suit. It should come as no surprise that the SAPD would catch the King Kong Guy. It would have taken a miracle of Biblical proportions or the sudden break out of a Meskin Lez Bean Orgy for a guy in a gorilla costume to escape the watchful and observant eye of San Antone's Finest. God was busy and the Lez Beans were orgy-ing somewhere else in SA that night. Goober in the Gorilla Suit was found at a nearby bar. I ain't kiddin'. I guess the zoo must be on the other side of town, because that's the only place that would have provided Monkey Man with some sort of cover.

Soon Gorilla Boy will be eating "bananas" in the Bexar County Hilton, maybe to be followed by King Dong somewhere in the Texas Department of Erections Corrections.

Talk about your "Curious" George.


Sunday, April 14, 2013

PETA and the Story of the Dancing Shrimp!

C'mon, Baby! Let's Do the Twist!
Let me state this up front. I think the vast majority of people who are members of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) are dumbasses. Having said that, I know there are people in the organization who truly believe in PETA's mission of stopping animal cruelty, and they do so legally and non-violently. I agree with these people 100%. Anybody who deliberately abuses an animal through acts of violence, starvation, neglect or whatever, should be punished to the full extent of the law. I am not talking about hunting or fishing, as the overwhelming number of these sportsmen obey applicable rules and regulations regarding their harvesting of animals or fish. Those outdoorsmen who do break the rules and regs concerning their sport, should also be punished according to the law.

Now that that has been cleared up...

PETA has proven many times in the past to be a bunch of hypocritical Dumbasses. Just click the previous link for stories regarding unlawful and sometimes violent behavior perpetrated by its members. And that link is the result of just one simple bing search. I won't go into detail here, so just take a minute to see for yourself at the link.

Well, it looks like the dumbasses at PETA are at it again.

They have found something else to exercise control over, and make no mistake PETA is all about controlling the behavior of others because anyone that disagrees with them is a target of ridicule and scorn, or worse.

Here's the deal: this restaurant in Cal-ee-forn-ya (go figure) has an item on their menu called "dancing shrimp" and Aol News says, "The "dancing prawn" dish features live prawns with their shells ripped off. When diners squeeze the lemon, the prawns react as you might in that situation: with a great big "ouch" reflex." In other words, shrimp feel pain and PETA wants the "dancing shrimp" off the menu.
  •  Point number one: anybody who eats a live shrimp is a Dumbass. 
  • Point number two: why the hell is it any of PETA's business if this place serves "dancing shrimp" or not? Now, if the restaurant served, say, kittens in this manner, I'd side with PETA in a heartbeat. But we are talking shrimp here! Again, I wouldn't eat a live shrimp to save my Mama's life and people who do are a screwed up bunch. But PETA puts their nose in a small businessman's business, screams , hollers and Lord knows what else and he caves in like a sand tunnel. 
What option does have? He's just one guy with one restaurant and PETA is a big organization with tons of money from like-minded Dumbasses who "care" for the shrimp. Hey, PETA! Do unborn babies feel pain, too? If you are satisfied that they do, do you wanna save them, too?
Just askin'.


Saturday, April 13, 2013

Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Best of Dumbass News

Ladies and gentlemen and Dumbasses from 154 countries around the globe, it's time once again for one of the most popular features on Dumbass News!

No, we are not gonna show nekkid lezbean photos of Salma Hayek, Angelina Jolie or Charlize Theron. Get your mind out of the gutter, Dumbass. We show nekkid lezbean photos of beautiful Hollywood starlets on Saturday, not Thursday! Geez.

Although I am great fan of nekkid lezbean photos of beautiful wimmin, what we are gonna do today is another edition of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Let us sally forth...

I'll be busy that day. While police are busy taking all you Dumbasses into custody, I'll be on a crime spree of epic proportions.

That must have hurt like hell.

It's about time. We love hookers here at Dumbass News. We really do. For proof, look here or here.
Maybe it's illegal to fish for sharks where this guy lives.
It's also time to spark up the Buffalo Wings.

Bonnie Lewinsky?


Friday, April 12, 2013

Dumbass Real Estate Company Ad: For Sale: One Sun

One of the essential rules of economics is, regardless of what you intend to market, you've got to determine if there's a market for it. And damned if some dumbass lady in Spain didn't pick one of the most marketable products in the history of Man. The sun. Yup, that big bright yellow ball at the center of a our solar system. That sun.

Angeles Duran of the soggy Galicia region (which in Castillan Spanish means region of dumbasses) of Spain, went to a local notary public and registered El Sol as her own private property.This turn of events leads to several interesting preguntas (a little Espanol for you there). For instance, where did she get the deed to the sun? Is the deed to the sun one of those things Moses brought down with the Ten Commandments from Mount Sinai? Did God himself sign the deed over to Angeles the dumbass? And if He did, is Angeles the Dumbass on hook for property taxes on the sun or did The Almighty sell it to her tax free? After a few billion years of owning the sun, did God just want to get a return on His investment? One other question is, what was the notary public drinking and/or smoking when he certified Angeles as the owner of the sun? Inquiring minds want to know. I have several more questions that come to mind, but they are borderline blasphemous, and I need to build up a little more credit with God, before I even think about asking them. Better safe than sorry, I always say.

My next question is more of the earthly nature. What the hell is this Dumbass, Angeles, going to do with the sun now that she owns it? I bet you thought that was a rhetorical question, didn't you? Oh, hell no. Angeles the Dumbass has it all figured out. According to an interview she conducted with El Mundo (The World), Angeles the Dumbass Owner of the Sun said she now wants to slap a fee on everyone who uses the sun and give half of the proceeds to the Spanish government and 20 percent to the nation's pension fund. She would dedicate another 10 percent to research, another 10 percent to ending world hunger -- and would keep the remaining 10 percent herself. "It is time to start doing things the right way, if there is an idea for how to generate income and improve the economy and people's wellbeing, why not do it?" she asked. It's a relief to see that this dumbass is a Liberal. I know she's a Liberal because she no sooner gain ownership of the sun, than she wants to levy a tax on its use. Remember, fee = tax.

If Angeles the Dumbass succeeds in this scam, I get dibs on air.

Breathe deep the gathering gloom...


Thursday, April 11, 2013

Skool Daze: Parunts Are Stoopid

If you've ever been the parent of a child who goes to school, you, more than anyone else, know that However! Upon reading the "my kid missed school because,,," notes, teachers have to wonder how the hell did Mom or Dad make it through school! Or if they even went to school.
kids occasionally get sick and have to miss a day of the Three Rs only to become the Fourth R, Rotten! But Rotten is another story for another day. When kids are too ill to attend school for a day, it's school policy that the parents of said sick child, upon her return to school, issue a note from Mom or Dad explaining Little Susie's absence. Fair enough.

Let me splain.

Prelude to Dumbassery

Some of the "excuse letters" that parents write explaining a kid's absence from school are sicker than whatever kept the kid home in the first place. And by "sick", I mean "stupid". Weeeellll, "stupid" may not be the right word to use here, but the phrase "dumber than a box of hammers" is pretty accurate.

If you send your child to a public school, withdraw him immediately! If you do not take prompt action today, it may be too late for your kid! I. Ain't. Kiddin'. Once you read some of the notes I have been talking about, you'll quickly realize that the tax dollars, YOUR tax dollars, used to fund public education might as well be spent buying Chevy Volts. Schools and Volts are both gubmint projects and neither of them has proven to be anything but disastrous, expensive and failures. I'm just sayin'. Having a hard time swallowing that? Then chew on this shit.

Parents of Skool Kidz Are Stoopid

OK, you asked for it and I am happy to oblige. Here are a few of the stupidest, most English-challenged pieces of work you have ever seen in your life. And that's just the Parents! The excuse notes are even more jacked up.

The following "excuse my kid from missing school" notes will be presented exactly as they were written at the time. I will not change a thing about them. BTW, thanks to for the excuse notes.

Behold the work of America's parents:

  • 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • 2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  • 3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • 4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  • 5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  • 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  • 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  • 10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • 11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the *plum*.[words in "(  )'s" were crossed out.]
  • 12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  • 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Want more? Just follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Further Proof:

  • 15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
  • 16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  • 17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  • 18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  • 19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  • 20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • 21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
  • 22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
  • 23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
  • 24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
I rest my case.

Lern to Spel!
Learn Your Own Damn Language, Dumbass!

If it seems that I am ragging on a boatload of parents, it's because I am! My advice to these Moms and Dads is to learn your own damn language - English! I understand that mistakes will be made when writing a note to school, a resume or even a or blog. Hell, I'm sure someone with much more command of the English language and the grammar thereof could go back through what I've written in the last few minutes and tear me a new one because of various errors. I can live with that. English is a tough language to get a hold of in many ways. Ask any immigrant or student new to English. Hell, ask an American the same things and see what you get?! And it's our native tongue!

My problem lies with what appears to me to be a lack of effort in coming anywhere near the proper use of spoken and written English. Did these goofballs just not pay attention at school? Did they even GO to school? Who is to be held accountable? Lazy students? Dumbass parents? Crummy teachers? The city school board who think throwing more money at a problem is the solution instead of addressing the problem head on? The State Edjumacation morons? How about the Feds? In a word: Yes times five. But each of the aforementioned groups bears blame in different "quantities".

Who's to Blame?

 And the blame goes to....(in no particular order):

  • 1) The Students - In the end, it's the kids' who are the ones who suffer, but it is they who've got to put their collective noses to the grindstone. It's not a very complicated thing, really. Go to school every day. Get there on time. Listen/Read/Write/Learn/Ask Questions/Study. Simple, huh? Oh! One more thing. When you are too sick to go to school and the time comes to go back, WRITE YOUR OWN NOTE AND HAVE YOUR PARENTS READ IT THEN SIGN IT! Whatever you do, for God's sake, DO NOT let your folks scribble a word! 
  • 2) Parents - Let me put it this way: Would you wants the parents who wrote those excuse notes to help YOUR kids with their homework? Enough said
  •  3) Crummy Teachers - This is not a cheap shot at ALL public school teachers. Over the last 50 years I have known and been a student of many outstanding p. s . teachers. They taught for all the right reasons, chief among a love of kids and a desire to pass on valuable knowledge that will ultimately be crucial at some point in life. In this group of great teachers I include the current/past teachers my little girls have/have had in their brief academic endeavors. These teachers are a priceless commodity to not only our children, but to the country as well. Well educated young people are the best hope for the future of our Representative Republic. That doesn't necessarily mean that everyone has to go to an Ivy League Bastion of Liberalism either. Trade schools and, in many instances, online "schools" provide superb curricula and very good instructors. My point here is to reward the teachers who achieve success with their students and dump the crummy ones like an Iranian Mullah drops a pork chop. Easier said than done? Sure, but when has ANY challenge been too much for the United States of America to overcome? Let's start with the young folks by giving their teachers the tools needed to educate our children. And more money ain't always the right solution to a major problem. 
  •  4) City School Boards - See Number 3, Crummy teachers. I could add a lot more stuff here, but it would take a week to type it all out. But good ole Number 3 up there is a great place to start. Simply substitute the word "school board member/administrator for the word "teacher" and you won't be wrong.
  • 5) State Dept. of Education - Again I refer to Number 3. For "teacher" use "bureaucrat", "professional public servant" (that's not a good thing) or "dumbass". They are all interchangeable.
So, get with the program, you dipshits!

And learn English!

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