Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Dumbass Carjacks Porsche, Can't Drive It; It's a Stick Shift! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Dumbass Carjacks Porsche, Can't Drive It; It's a Stick Shift!

Car thieves are a clever bunch. Generally speaking. The world of GTA also has its share of dumbasses who are not quite ready for prime time.

We have covered car thefts before here on Dumbass News and those stories have regaled us with many seconds hours of laughter and amusement. Take for instance the couple who stole a car to use as a getaway ride after committing some credit card thefts only to be busted by the car owner's boyfriend when he saw them driving the purloined Porsche as they drove up next to the bus he was riding in. Or the story of the guy who claimed he couldn't be arrested for Grand Theft Auto because the car he stole was already stolen! Even Dumbasses on stolen golf carts are getting in on the action.

Now comes a guy who stole a car only to be thwarted by a transmission.

Here's the deal.

Being Shifty

Eighteen year old Anthony Reynolds was like any other Newark, New Jersey kid his age. He is a criminal. A car thief to be exact. Tony Boy had been waiting for just the right moment and just the right car to come along before he carjacked it and then sold it to the nearest "chop shop", just like many other Newark teenagers.

Automatic Transmission Preferred
Finally, the Big Moment arrived. The perfect car and the perfect time. Anthony quickly seized upon this once in a lifetime opportunity. He brandished a hand gun at the car's driver, forced him out of the Porsche and sped off. Well, not exactly sped off. More like griiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnndddddd and sputter. The car our Dumbass decided to hijack was a stick shift. This is where things went south for Anthony and his dreams of becoming a Carjacking Legend in Newark.

He did not know how to drive a stick shift! End of dream.

Anthony quickly realized what was up and he eventually did speed off, but he sped off on foot not in the Porsche. It is my considered opinion that "speeding off" on foot is nowhere near a fast as speeding off in an $80,000 sports car that goes from standing still to 60 MPH in just over six seconds. My theory on foot speed versus Porsche speed proved correct when Anthony was arrested a short time later. Still on foot.

Luck Favors a Prepared Mind

That's one of my favorite sayings. Luck favors a prepared mind. Profound, ain't it?

Now if only Tony Poo has planned ahead and knew how to drive a stick, he might not be in the jam he is in today. If he had only taken about ten minutes of GTA stick shift training from a more experienced thug...But, he didn't and now he's a Prison Bitch

Maybe Anthony should have started of with something small, like a Volkswagen or Toyota. Oh, wait. Many of those come with standard transmissions as well.

Anthony was fucked from the get go.

Alas, his dreams shattered and his prison bitchery assured, Anthony Reynolds will rue the day he tried to jack a German-made sports car with a stick shift.

Maybe Tony Poo can take automotive classes in the Big House in between ass reamings and learn the intricacies of the modern manual tranny. And by tranny, I don't mean other prison bitches.

Dumbass.

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