Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Natl. Institutes of Health Spend $2.7 Million to Study Fat, Drunk Lesbians! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Natl. Institutes of Health Spend $2.7 Million to Study Fat, Drunk Lesbians!

As has been written ad nauseam, ad infinitum and otherwise a whole bunch, the economy of the United States is swirling around the toilet bowl like the last turd. You know it's eventually going down, but it's riding that little Toilet Water Tornado like a kid on a merry go round. Quick Note for Yoopers: ad nauseam means that something has been cussed and discussed so much that it puts a guy on the verge of projectile puking....without the use of alcohol or ox tail soup.

Anyway, a few days ago I wrote about how the Gubmint of the United States of America thought it was a good idea to grant one of the most prestigious universities in the world, Yale, $385,000 to be used to study duck dicks. I. Am. Not. Making. This. Up. See for yourself at this Official Dumbass News $385,000 Duck Dick Study Link.

It is my Considered Fearless Leader Opinion that if the Gubmint really believed it was necessary to spend nearly 400K Large on duck dicks, they might as well throw in a few grand more for 12 gauge shotguns and shells. "What?", you ask. This is so that once the Duck Dick Studying is completed, that the Gubmint can arm with said shotguns Homeless Guys Who Hang Out Around Yale When They Are Not Selling Roses on Street Medians who would in turn blast the dicks off all ducks used in the Yale study! Not only would this duck slaughter provide meaningful recreation and stress relief for the Homeless Guys Who Hang Out Around Yale When They Are Not Selling Roses on Street Medians, it would be a fantastic way to feed Other Homeless Guys Who Hang Out Around Yale and Are Too Damn Lazy to Sell Roses on Street Medians! It's a win-win situation!

It's stuff like this that exemplifies exactly why I am a Fearless Leader - a Man of Vision. A Man of Ideas. A Man Full of Bullshit.

But, I digress.

You think the Duck Dick Study was a waste of taxpayer money, wait'll hear about the Multi-Million Dollar Fat, Drunk Lezbean Study.

$2.7 Mil for Fat, Drunk Lezbeans

The National Institutes for Health has doled out $2.7 million to the University of Illinois for a thing called "Cumulative Stress and Hazardous Drinking in a Community of Adult Lesbians".

Lezbeans who drink hazardously are put into a group called "Sexual Minorities". Understand that "hazardous drinking" for Lezbeans is defined as "more than seven drinks a week or more than 3 drinks per occasion". This is what I used to call "Tuesday night". Furthermore, for "Lezbeans of color", the problem may be much worse!

I am relieved to know that the menace of drunk, heavy set Lezbeans in our society has finally been addressed. I am further encouraged that Lezbeans of Color who pack on the pounds and become alcoholics have some Dumbass with a shit load of taxpayer cash to turn to for help, just like Regular White Lezbeans. 

The NIH also awarded a few million dollars more to other universities in order to study and quantify drinking and obesity problems in the Sexual Minority population, so don't think for a minute that the National Institutes of Health is lying down on the job in regards to this most pressing of social issues. Rest assured that where ever there's a large, loaded Lezbean, the NIH will be there with a fist full of money, a bag of Doritos and a 6 pack of Budweiser ready, willing and able to lend a helping hand. (I'll bet!)

There's a bunch more crap about Lezbeans in the story at if you wanna click over to there and read the whole thing, but I think you grasp what I am saying here.

Oh! Get of the Dumbasses who conducted much of this research was inducted into the University of Kentucky's College of Nursing's Hall of Fame for her groundbreaking work in the study of fat, drunk Lezbeans, who may or may not be Lezbeans of Color.

That taxpayer money is allocated to such socially significant work on behalf of Lezbeans across this great land of ours makes me proud to be an American.

Even though I am neither heavy, alcoholic nor a Lezbean.



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