Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: May 2013 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Friday, May 31, 2013

Dumbassisms; Only in America!

Best of Dumbass News!

couple of posts ago I mentioned that I am big on sayings. You know what I mean. Those witty one liners that makes so much sense you wonder, "Why the Hell didn't I think of that?"

A few days ago I got an email from a good friend of mine in Texas, who would like to remain anonymous, so I will refrain from telling you that his name is Ted Nicolai. So Ted my friend shoots me this email with all these cute one line observations on it and I would like to share some of them with you.

I shall call these witticisms "Dumbassisms". I would call them Tedisms, but the words "Ted" and "Dumbass" are interchangeable and I like the word "Dumbass" better than the word "Ted". If I liked "Ted" better, I would have named this blog "Ted News", but I didn't. Besides, everybody knows what a Dumbass is and nobody cares about what a Ted is. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Tedisms Dumbassisms
  • Only in America drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
  • Only in America people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
  • Only in America banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  • Only in America we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
But Wait! There's More!
  • Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
  • Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
  • Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I know the answer to the last one. It's to make the dishwashing liquid taste better! I thought everyone knew that. Geez.

I told you that the words "Ted" and "Dumbass" were interchangeable.


I mean...


Thursday, May 30, 2013

Dumbass Steals Delivery Driver's Car, Continues on Delivery Route!

Best of Dumbass News

This past Friday political conservatives from all over the internet staged a "buycott" of Papa John's Pizza. This was in response to political liberals' boycott of Papa John's because of the pizza giant's plans to cut many full time employees' hours to part time and to outright discharge other workers due to the looming implementation of Obamacare, or as I call it, "a big steaming pile of yak shit".

Regardless of your position on the impending health care law, you have to admit that you have not yet heard of a single theft of a Papa John's delivery guy's automobile during this event. Even in Connecticut. Bipartisanship at its finest.

The same can not be said for a Chinese Food Delivery Guy in Connecticut.

GTA Gai Pan

Some poor schlub in Connecticut was going about his bidness of delivering Chinese food to the hungry folks of Hartford when he did something stoopid. The Schlub was making a delivery to Bristow Middle School. When he went inside to deliver the food, he left his car running! This was all the opportunity that Keith Hinds needed.

Keith jumped in the idling car and hauled ass. And by "hauled ass" I mean he went on to continuing to deliver the remaining orders on The Schlub's route! He evidently intended to keep all the cash he was collecting from the deliveries.

The cops were called and the restaurant also called the remaining customers on the route notifying them about what had happened. It was then that one of the customers reported to the restaurant that his food had already been delivered! By the car thief! At this point the jig was up.

The cops easily located Hinds and put him under arrest.

Upon taking him into custody, you'll never in a gazillion years believe what the cops found in Keith Hinds' possession. Drugs - a joint and an anti-psychotic. Oh, yeah, and a crack pipe. Knock me over with a feather.

Election turmoil with possible voter fraud, the death of Twinkies and now this.

Our country is doomed.


Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Tofu Love: Organic Dumbasses

The internet has had an amazing effects on today's society. Nowadays you can go online to pay bills, shop, do research, date and a thousand other things. I want to focus on the dating thing for today's post. As you may or may not know, I met my wife online.

Quick recap: we met in an AOL Chat Room , became friends, exchanged phone calls and one day about eighteen months later I showed up here in Maine, not really knowing what to expect, but we ended up getting married and having a baby together. I have now been here for over seven years and everything is great.

In spite of the fact that the internet has changed, or added to, the way things are done, the time-tested face to face meet and greet of the real world still is the way to go for most people. And one of the staples of finding a partner is till going strong. I am talking of meeting in a supermarket. Nothing says I love you like when two people reach for the same cumquat, touch hands and feel the sparks fly between them.

But some Dumbasses go to specialty grocery stores to meet and seek love over the tofu. Rainbow Foods of Minneapolis, Minny-sota is a trend setter when it comes to such encounters. Should we call these knot heads Organic Dumbasses? I dunno. A spokes-organic Dumbass for the grocery retailer explains, "Several people make the same types of food, and you can have a conversation that's not intimidating." Here's some more organic dumbassery for you, these co-op shoppers are likely to make connections because they "know that (others) share some values ... whether environmental or health or the treatment of animals."

All righty then.

Tofu or Not Tofu, That Is the Question

I can see it now. Two Organic Dumbasses are admiring the bean sprouts when one of them says, "Nice global warming we're having today".

Then the other Organic Dumbass responds, "Yes, it is. The Polar Ice Caps are melting at an alarming rate and soon sea levels will rise by 20 feet! How about you and I go for a latte sometime?" If I weren't busy heaving up breakfast, I'd find that type of meeting as Gaia-inspired.

The conversation continues, "I hope these bean sprouts are from free range beans. I could never forgive myself if they weren't."

The response, "Ooooh, baby, you really curdle my soy milk when you talk like that. Let's live in sin together!" An Organic Dumbass Romance is born.

Kiss My Organic Ass

I don't want to rag people because they share the same interests like global warming and a matter of fact, I DO want to rag on them because they are Organic Dumbasses! On top of that, they are generally a bunch of condescending assholes who think they are better than their Non-Organic Dumbass Friends. So Gaia damn them all!

And kiss my organic ass.

Organic dumbasses.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

URGENT APOCALYPSE ALERT! Cow Booty Calls Prove The End is Nigh!


The End is nigh! 

First of all, I'd like to ask you all to remain as calm as possible. This type of situation comes along only once in a civilization's history, but the need to remain clear-headed and rational about the looming End of the World is paramount to dying with the knowledge that the Almighty is calling His people Home.

You may be asking yourself, "Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, how do you know that the End Time is near when the prophecies in the Book of Revelations haven't been fulfilled yet?" That is a very logical and pertinent question. And I have a very logical and well thought out answer.

I know The End is here because....please ask any children in the room to leave at this time. What you about to read will make you wish you had lived a more virtuous life. Your place in Eternity has been determined, but it's not too late to find Jesus. I highly recommend that you find the Messiah ASAP, you ain't got much time, Dumbass.

How I Know The End is Upon Us

Fellow Dumbasses, I am not a Prophet nor a soothsayer, I am merely your humble Fearless Leader. You must understand before we all perish, that I would never deliberately lead you astray nor would I purposely cause panic in the streets of the 163 countries around the world that read Dumbass News without rock-solid proof. What I am about to reveal will undoubtedly be of historical proportions.

The End of the World is happening as we speak because....God help us all...because cattle are going crazy! You read that right. The End is here because the behavior of cattle is telling us so! You must be thinking that I am a nut at this point. But I am not a nut nor an alarmist. I am a man of Science and evidence and all the Science and evidence points to The Apocalypse.

Rock-Solid Proof

Remember a while back when I wrote of the cattle in Massivetwoshits that went berserk and crashed a neighborhood party and drank all the beer? That event was just a warning sign to us that Doom was inevitable. Today's story is the confirmation of that impending Doom.

Don't believe me? Just read on and you'll start confessing your sins like Barrack Obama blames George W. Bush.

The Cattle Menace has spread to Pennsylvania, thus verifying what I had feared.

The sign of The End of Time took place at an intersection of two rural highways near Kittanning, PA. Traffic was backed up for miles as drivers from all over the area rubbernecked and bottlenecked at the sight of two, you guessed it, cattle doing the Dirty Deed right in the middle of the road! Yes, Fellow Dumbasses, cows were humping like rabbits in the middle of the highway causing widespread panic amongst Kittanning, Pennsylvania area residents! OK, well maybe "widespread panic" is a bit hyperbolic, but the Cow Sex did cause a traffic jam. By the way, a traffic jam in Kittanning means that both cars registered in the town were at the same place at the same time.
See the Calves? Products of Mad Monkey Cow Sex! The End is Near!

Local authorities tried mightily to "disengage" the cows, but it ain't easy persuading a 2000 pound bull that having Mad Monkey Cow Sex in the middle of a busy highway intersection is a bad idea. So, the cops just let Nature take its course. No word if the cows were married or if this was just a Mad Monkey Cow Sex Liaison, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

The two cows finished their bidness then were rounded up and taken to a nearby farm until the rightful owner could be notified.

All's Well

I, as your Fearless Leader, urge you to keep an eye out for any type of unusual behavior by cattle in your location. If you see such bovine shenanigans, report them immediately to your local law enforcement community!

If Armageddon is here, I'm sure that we'll need an eyeball witness to corroborate the story.

On the other hand, maybe it's just two horny cows out to "block a little traffic".


Monday, May 27, 2013

Memorial Day: Freedom Has a Cost

Today there is no silly stuff.

Memorial Day is a day in which we solemnly reflect upon the most sacred of sacrifices made by hundreds of thousands of men and women who have valiantly served in the Armed Forces of the United States of America throughout its nearly 237 year history.

Our Nation has been blessed by Providence with bravest and most selfless warriors to have graced any country in the annals of Mankind.

Powerful Words

A guy in one of my Google+ Circles, Don Turner, has captured the Spirit of this Memorial Day with words borne of a Patriot's heart. "Whenever I think back through American History my heart swells with pride. America thrives on freedom; freedom thrives where heroes dwell. We are a country of military heroes". You owe it to yourself to soak up the passion with which Don salutes the The Heroes in Our Midst. 

The "Other" Soldiers  

No less brave nor courageous are the "Other" Soldiers that serve our Country. These "Other" Soldiers are the constant companions of the men and women on the front lines of combat in lands a world away.

As Phil the Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge reminds us "U.S. military canines quietly wait. Dogs
Photo from Phil, Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge
of War serve with Honor, willingly". 

Arlington National Cemetary, May 31, 1982 - "The United States and the freedom for which it stands, the freedom for which they died, must endure and prosper. Their lives remind us that freedom is not bought cheaply. It has a cost; it imposes a burden. And just as they whom we commemorate were willing to sacrifice, so too must we -- in a less final, less heroic way -- be willing to give of ourselves."

-President Ronald Reagan

God bless our Heroes and may God continue to bless America.


Sunday, May 26, 2013

White Guy Goes to War; White Wife Has Black Baby While He's Gone; Blames "Lifelike" 3D Porn Flick! White Guy Believes Her!

Best of Dumbass News

Since I started writing this blog in September, 2010, I have made fun of every class, race, creed, skin color and/or national origin, especially those pansies the Fwench. You'd have to go all the way back to yesterday to see my latest demolition of those surrender-happy Frogs. If you, too, like to lob a few verbal grenades at the Fwench, just go to the "search" button in the left sidebar and type in "Fwench". A veritable novel on "pussified" will be at your finger tips.

Enough about those Dumbasses.

Anyway, my somewhat verbose point here is that although I have ripped all the people I listed above, I have never done so because of race, color, national origin (except the Fwench), etc. I have stood fast to my word that I'll make fun of anybody, any time. My three exclusions from that are the Pope, my Mom, not yours, and Billy Graham. End. Of. Story.

He Serves His Country, She Serves a Bruthah

Here's the scene: A guy is in a branch of the United States Military serving in Iraq. (Thanks for your service!) He is a white guy. He was overseas for a year when he was sent back state side. He came home a hero. And a dumbass. Stay with me here, that ain't a shot at military guys. You'll see what I mean in a moment.

When the soldier left for Iraq, he left behind his wife. She's a cracker, too. Upon arriving back in the USA, the guy goes home to his white wife. And a black baby.

Let's do a quick review here.
  • White Soldier goes overseas leaving a white wife behind.
  • Soldier is gone for TWELVE months.
  • Fast forward a year. Soldier comes home to his white wife.
  • And a black baby. A less than year old black baby.
This gets even better, Dumbasses.

The Dumbass Part

The slut white chick says she got pregnant from, dig this shit, watching a 3D porn flick! I swear on my late Father's grave that I am not making this up. See for yourself:

Is That a Spike in Your Armor......?Any questions?
Any questions?

I have some.

Q & A

You Dumbasses know me. I am rather inquisitive. Before I continue, I'll concede a few things:
  • Against astronomical odds, this kind of stuff happens. Click here to read some weird shit.
  • Jennifer Stewart is a cheating piece of possum poop.
  • The baby in this story is a cutie pie.
Let's start with the simple, verifiable fact that the alleged Daddy, a white guy, was in Iraq for a year, fighting for his country. His was wife was not pregnant when he left. He came home to a baby less than a year old , and whose skin is of the African persuasion. I went to public school and even I can do the math on this one. The kid ain't the white guy's.
Cutie Pie

The preceding paragraph is filled with pesky little things called facts, many admitted to by the Mom. Their veracity is unquestionable. "Lifelike", even.

The Crazy Part

Mom claims she was impregnated by the black guy star of a 3D porn movie she had seen. She says that the baby resembles Bruthah Big Johnson. I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings but, lady, your kid has such a generic baby's face that he even looks like me and I ain't the daddy.

Even more bizarre is the fact that her husband believes her!!! "3D movies are very lifelike", he says. No, Sir, war is very "lifelike". I think one of the goat-fuckers you were trying to send to his 72 virgins put some tainted camel piss in your MREs. While I shall be eternally grateful for your service to our country, White Guy, you are an utter moron, idiot, dumbfuck, dipshit, Dumbass. White Guy, I hate to tell you this, but your Old Lady did the Horizontal Hula with a Black Guy and it ain't from a "likelike" 3D movie or the amazing technology we enjoy today. She broke her vows to you with a good old fashion "lifelike" black weenie attached to a "lifelike" Black Guy.

End. Of. Story.

Now the whore is gonna sue the film company that produce the 3D "lifelike" digital sperm?

It is my considered opinion that these two people be admitted to a "lifelike" Looney Fucking Tunes Funny Farm. I suffer from several "mental illnesses", therefore I feel my opinion should carry at least a little weight. However, it doesn't take a Mental Midget like me to determine that this couple is a pair of "lifelike"...


Saturday, May 25, 2013

4 United States Marines, 1 Dumbass Shoplifter = Happy Ending!

It's Time for Memorial Day Weekend Dumbassery!

Semper Fi!

Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, Georgia was at Best Buy minding his own bidness as he was doing his Christmas shoplifting a little early this year when his plans went awry. And by "awry" I mean he was met with a surprise as he tried to escape with a purloined laptop.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Odds of Winning Illinois Lotto Check Bouncing Less Than Getting Obliterated by An Asteroid!

The Lottery.

Instant riches.

All for a dollar or two spent on a lottery ticket.


A few days ago I saw a headline on the Drudge Report (I think) that said something like "Dumbass
Wins $590,000,000 Power Ball Mega Bucks You're a Sucker Lotto!".

I thought "Wow! With that kind of money a guy could pass up on ObamaCare and get a private health insurance plan! And with the leftover cash (all $27 of it, after taxes) he could take his family out to lunch at McDonalds. If they ordered from the Value Meal Menu."

More Lotto News

How many times have you heard someone say, "If I could only win the Lotto I'd....." Then the Dumbass would go on about how he'd buy a new house, a car, a green energy company, a night in the Lincoln Bedroom in the White House...." You get the picture.

As a Public Service to Dumbasses Everywhere, I thought I would share with you some information on exactly how likely it is that any given Dumbass could buy a single Power Ball Mega Bucks You're a Sucker Lotto ticket and win untold millions of dollars.


I employed my Super Human Fearless Leader Google Fu Powers © and came up with the odds of various things happening versus the odds of winning the Power Ball Mega Bucks You're a Sucker Lotto. 

Winning Power Ball Mega Bucks You're a Sucker Lotto (single ticket) - 1 in 175,000,000 
 Save. Your. Money. Dumbass.

Dying from a bee sting - 1 in 6.1 million 
Buzz Kill or Killer Buzz?

Dying from being left-handed - 1 in 4.4 million
Lots of Southpaws die from accidents while using right-handed stuff like scissors. My wife is a Left-hander.

Being a Movie Star - 1 in 1,505,000
I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille.

Dying in a plane crash - 1 in 1 million
Lynyrd Skynyrd, Buddy Holly, Jim Croce.....I'm just sayin'.

Getting struck by lightning - 1 in 1 million
Stay indoors during a thunderstorm, Dumbass.

Dying by asteroid collision with Earth - 1 in 12,500
No worries. Bruce Willis will save us all!

Getting attacked by a shark -  1 in 11.5 million
People burgers!

Scoring holes-in-one on consecutive Par 3 Holes - 1 in 156,000,000
Does this stat include Putt Putt? 

Winning at the State Lottery and getting a winnings check that bounces?
It happened to eight people in Illinois!

From ABC Local in Chicago: When you win the Lotto, you expect to get paid.
"So much money goes into the lottery, you would think that they would be able to pay out. And then when you find out that a check bounced, you're stunned. Why would a lottery check bounce? At first I didn't believe it!" said Chicago Lotto Winner Patti Crenshaw.
But it's true. Illinois Lottery officials confirm they bounced eight checks May 1st worth $9,940 dollars. Read the rest from Channel 7 here. 

Bring on the Killer bees!


Thursday, May 23, 2013

A Moose, A Swing Set & A Dumbass!

Best of Dumbass News

I am glad that HuffPo has a staff of millions and many of them have nothing better to do than surf the inter tubes looking for "weird news". You see HuffPo's "Weird News" often translates to Fearless Leader's Dumbass News. So, it's cool that they have the manpower to find all this stuff and I can steal it from them. Of course, I don't plagiarize them, I simply report on it from a different angle than they do. They see "Weird News", I see Dumbassery.

So, credit where credit is due and all that, thanks for today's story idea, HuffPo.

Fluffy the Moose

As you know, I live in Maine. Up here there is abundant wildlife for viewing and occasionally running into - literally. There are frequent stories in the local news that tell about some poor person driving through the country side in their automobile and BAM! Ford meets moose. Moose wins. Sort of. People get killed by colliding with moose up here on a regular basis. Look, a bull moose tips the scales at about a ton. That's two thousand pounds of bull moose smashing into a 2500 pound car.

It's a mess.

Even if you simply come across a moose in the wild, they can be not so sociable and they can hurt you. Bad. As in kill you dead. As. A. Doornail. There are occasional news stories about a wild moose straying onto a college campus or even a shopping mall in Maine, usually Bangor or Portland. College mooses sometimes become unofficial mascots of that particular campus.

Of course, if you live out in the woods or in a rural setting, encountering a moose is not that big of deal as long as you are cautious and keep your distance. Like any wild animal, once a moose loses his fear of people, he's a dangerous sonuvabitch.

Back Yard Bullwinkle

Today's Dumbass Moose Story doesn't, however, take place in Maine. It happened just outside Ogden, Utah.

From HuffPo: "A moose was freed from a strange backyard entanglement thanks to a brave Utah deputy and a pair of cutters.
Sgt. Lane Findlay found himself face to face with the moose whose antlers were wrapped up in a backyard swing set this weekend.
The Weber County Sheriff's deputy got the call Sunday and responded to a residential community outside Ogden, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City. He said the moose appeared in distress, and was bleeding.
Findlay said he handed his mobile phone to an onlooker and asked the person to shoot video, telling him, "If something happens to me, give this to my wife."

Oh, what a Dumbass, let me count the ways...
  1. The officer, while doing an admirable, if stoopid thing, is not a trained Wildlife Guy. Unless you count the hookers in Ogden, Utah as wildlife.
  2. He should have waited for the Game Warden to assess the situation and act accordingly.
  3. The moose was tangled up. "Tangled up" meaning "trapped', "cornered", "unable to flee". Bad mojo.
  4. The second most important word in the paragraph above is "distressed". A "distressed" moose is 2000 pounds of deadly fur if provoked or even if he thinks he's being jacked with.
  5. The most important word, and by "most important" I mean BIG RED FLAG WARNING DANGER CAUTION DO NOT FUCK WITH TANGLED UP MOOSE word is BLEEDING! I think we can all surmise that a trapped, distressed, bleeding moose is not a critter to agitate any further.
  6. One wrong move and the "give this to my wife" moment will be your last moment on this planet and of breathing other peoples' air.
  7. The cop is a Dumbass.
From the mouths of Dumbasses, "I just made the decision to go in there and see what I could do," he said Wednesday. "Fortunately, the moose was tired and it didn't seem threatened." What. The. Fuck.
See 1 - 7 above.

More from the cop: "Pretty crazy stuff," he said. "This is certainly a first for me, and hopefully a last." 

I. Am. Speechless.



Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Fat Guy Sues White Castle Because Their Booths Are Too Small!

This is one of those stories that will invoke rage amongst some of my readers. That is not the intent of the story, but some of you will take it the wrong way. Tough shit, I say!

Let me splain.

There's a fat guy in Nanuet, New York that does fat people everywhere a disservice by being a complete and utter Dumbass. Said fat guy weighs 290 pounds and he's all pissed of at a local White Castle burger joint. You see where this is going? Anyway, Fat guy is suing the White Castle because, wait. for. it., the seats in the place are too small and fail to meet standards set forth in the Americans With Disabilities Act! Fat Guy first complained about the too small seats a couple of years ago and the company responded by promising to install bigger seats and sending him some coupons for, get this, three free White Castle burgers! Lemme get this straight. A fat guy is suing you because the booths in your restaurant are too small and you send him coupons for free burgers? Earth to White Castle...

Where to begin? Let's start with the ADA. It's a steaming pile of gubmint intervention into business. But that's a discussion for another time. Fat Guy is suing White Castle because of the small seats in their establishment. I wonder if Fat Guy ever thought that maybe he's a tub of lard because he eats too often at White Castle??!! And McDonalds. And Fat Burgers. Eat some fucking yogurt, Dumbass! Fast food, when consumed by the 55 gallon drum full, will make you look like a hot air balloon. And you have the balls to sue White Castle because the seats are too small? Maybe they should sue you for crushing their seats like a rotten tomato by slapping your fat ass down on them. Oh wait! I almost forgot, Fat Guy says that he wants bigger seats so he  can "sit down like a normal person". Then quit eating White Castle burgers like they are siphoned through a beer bong. Good Gawd, man! You don't need bigger seats, you need to lose two of your asses, dipshit. Try Subway for cryin' out loud. It worked for Jared.

Until then, shut the fuck up.

And have another cheeseburger.


Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Lady's REFUSAL of Cash for Sex Leads to Slapping by Weenie!

Best of Dumbass News (Originally Posted 11/27/12)

2012 has given us a bumper crop of Dumbasses, once again making it an extremely close race in the quest for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford (that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period) Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award. And just when things started to sort themselves out in this year's competition, along comes Fred Thomas of Cushing, Maine throwing a monkey wrench into the Dumbass of the Year (DoY) selection process.

Your Source for Penis News in Maine
What's Fearless Leader to do?

As a "You Big Dummy" Selection Committee of One, the enormous burden of  making the right choice for DoY falls squarely and heavily upon my shoulders. Fred Thomas has made this task infinitely more difficult.

The Scenario  
  1. Fred separates from his wife of 39 years.
  2. Wife runs into difficult times.
  3. In order to make it through said difficult times, wife of 39 years moves back in with Fred. 
  4. Fred wants to have sex with estranged wife and offers her $20 to give him some.
  5. Wife says, "No nookie", which angers Fred.
  6. Angry Fred pulls out his goober and slaps the wife with it!
  7. Wife calls cops after penis assault.
From by way of the Bangor Daily News, the story continues: Fred E. Thomas pleaded guilty to 180 days in jail with all but five days suspended and was placed on probation for a year for domestic violence assault and indecent conduct.   A third charge of unlawful sexual contact was dismissed. 

Defense Attorney Justin Andrus said Thomas was tremendously upset that his marriage of 39 years was ending.   He said his estranged wife was planning to go to Pakistan to meet a man she met online.   “This was not his normal conduct,” Andrus told Justice Jeffrey Hjelm during the sentencing hearing in Knox County Superior Court.   Assistant District Attorney Christopher Fernald asked for Thomas to serve seven days in jail, while Andrus asked for just probation and no jail time.
Hjelm said a jail term was appropriate in this case.   “This was sexually aggressive conduct.   This couldn’t be much more offensive,” Hjelm said.   The wife did not seek jail time for Thomas but did ask that he undergo counseling for anger management, which was ordered.
Fearless Leader's Observations
  • It is not a good idea to move back in with someone you have left in the ash heap of failed marriages.
  • The above is especially true if you have found another love interest - particularly if the new love interest is a camel fucker from Pakistan. Google "women's rights rights in Pakistan". The camel he screws has more rights than his woman. I'm just sayin'.
  • It's bad form to offer your soon-to-be ex-wife twenty bucks for sex.
  • It is egregiously bad form to pull out your thang and cockslap your soon-to-be ex-wife when she says no to your most generous offer of carnal pleasures.
  • The wife is an idiot.
  • The Judge is right - “This was sexually aggressive conduct.   This couldn’t be much more offensive.
  • Being slapped in the face by a penis is not one of those times to turn the other cheek. Unless you are into that kind of shit.
  • I have been to Rockland, Maine (where this story took place) and have never once been threatened by a menacing penis.  
  • Why are so many penises in the news these days?
  • Fred is a finalist for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford (that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period) Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Wanna Marry an American & Become a Citizen? Don't Commit a Felony!

I am an America and damned proud to be one. I love this country more than everything but God and Family. Evidently there are millions of others around the world who love the good ole USA also. While hundreds of thousands go through the immigration system to become American citizens, others try, and many succeed, in entering the country illegally. Then are the lucky foreign nationals who are already here and trying like hell to stay here. These people realize that we've got it pretty good.

Sometimes immigrants use nefarious ways to gain American Citizenship. Like marriages of convenience - marrying an American citizen in order to not be deported.

Did somebody out there say "Dumbass"?
Lookin' for Love

Well, it just so happens......

Wanting a New VISA (and I Don't Mean Credit Card)

Nikoleta Karoly is a foreigner with a just-about-to-expire-VISA. She desperately wants to stay in the United States. She is so adamant about staying here that she was willing to marry her boyfriend so she would not be sent back to her country of origin, which no doubt is some Communist Hellhole. Like Massivetwoshits.

There was, however, one teensy weensy hitch in Niki's plan to marry her beau and remain in the US. The groom-to-be did not want to be a groom. No matter how you view this situation, this minute detail throws a monkey wrench into Niki's plan. Another small detail not to be overlooked is the fact that Nikoleta is now a felon.

Well, somebody sure pissed in her Cheerios, didn't they?

Wedding Bell Blues

Upon being told that The Guy did not want to marry her, thereby blowing her immediate chances of not being deported, Niki became a bit upset. And by a "bit upset", I mean she beat the shit out of her boyfriend. Yep, nothing says "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, you American pig" like a good ole country ass kickin'.

According to the American Pig Boyfriend, this was not the first time that Niki was violent towards him because he was hesitant to marry her. I, for one, am all about a serious "come to Jesus" meeting when it's necessary to the plot, but this is not the method best-suited for encouraging one's lover into the Holy bond of matrimony.

But, then again, I am a Dumbass. What do I know?

What I Know

I know that:
  • Nikoleta Karoly is now in the Collier County (FLA) Jail.
  • Nikoleta Karoly may well spend some time in a nice comfy Florida State Prison.
  • Nikoleta Karoly will not become an American citizen.
  • Nikoleta Karoly's boyfriend is a pussy for letting a woman beat his ass.
  • Nikoleta Karoly will not be getting married to an American Pig any time soon. Unless it's to a fellow inmate at an FLA Women's Correctional Facility whose nickname is "Spike" who is also in The Slammer for beating the shit out of her boyfriend.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Ice Kream Klan Kometh!

The Yankees (Northerners, not the baseball team) have taken over Florida. The conquest is complete. I have proof of this horrific news and today I will share that proof with you, my fellow Dumbasses, no matter how much it pains my Southern-to-the-Core heart. What follows is not for the weak of heart or mind.

Puerto Ri-Klan
The mascot for a small, family owned Ocala, Florida ice cream shop is actually a mascot for the Ku Klux Klan! I. Shit. You. Not. The mascot goes around Ocala and tries to drum up business for the ice cream joint. He has often been mistaken as a symbol for the Klan! I can hear Yankees from all the other places in the USA that they are to subvert screaming in unison, "What does that have to do with us, you  bigoted Redneck asshole?" Here's your answer, you sons of motherless goats, Anti-Southern people dickweeds and representatives of all that is wrong with this great country. Who the hell else besides a dumb fucking Yankee would mistake this for a KKK uniform? See the various colored patches on the "hood" of the costume? What do think that is? A secret Klan colored scheme that signifies the mascot's rank in the KKK, Local 666? If you'd look a little further, you'd discover that the dude in the costume is a Hispanic type, Puerto Rican to be exact, guy. You know how much those Puerto Ricans love that gay old Klan. The KKK used to use guys like this for target practice or as a preliminary sacrifice while waiting for the real fun to begin when they could lynch a black guy. Believe you me, that if this guy was a Klan plant, the good people of Ocala, Florida would save the County a bunch of money and court time when they finished stompin' a mud hole in the motherfucker.

So all you "I hate the South, so let's turn it into New Jersey South since its worked out so well up North" asswipes, you have two choices.
  • 1) Assimilate to your new environs. You might just learn something about caring for your neighbor or taking care of community business on your own, without the need for Federal intervention and lots of other cool shit from Southerners. Choice
  • 2). Move the fuck BACK to New Frakkin' Jersey, douchebag! Now ain't that easy?
That's how they do it in Dixie.


Saturday, May 18, 2013

Federal Fart Police!

At this moment, there are muchos shenanigans going on in the Gubmint of the United States of America. 

Over the course of the last few years, our Elected Dumbasses have seen fit to:

  • Assume control of your health care by taxing what's left of your ass off.
  • Sic the Bureau of Infernal Revenue on organizations and individuals with political leanings contrary to those of the Dumbass-in-Chief.
  • Reprimand a Gubmint employee for farting at work....
  • Say what?
  • Yep.
Best of Dumbass News

I am a simple man (cue Lynyrd Skynyrd). I have always been in awe of the things that so many people take for granted. Like the stars. We see them every night of our lives and over time they are kind of "just there" to most people. Not to me though. There's not a time I go outside at night and not think of the majesty of those seemingly tiny twinkling lights in the nighttime sky. Think about it for a moment. The star light you are looking at has traveled through the vastness of outer space for billions of light years and is just now visible to the human eye. In essence, you are looking back in time.

Another thing that simply amazes me are tomato seeds. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that something so tiny can, when put into some dirt, watered and given the requisite amount of sunlight, produce a marvel of Nature like a big fat beefsteak tomato. How the hell does that work like that? I don't know and I don't care. All I know is that it does work and I ain't askin' questions.

Which brings us to farting.

A Real Gone Gasser

I am sure that it will come as no surprise to you that stories about farting are not new to Dumbass News. It was almost two years ago to the day that I wrote about the nation of Malawi's proposed law to ban farting under certain circumstances like: "insulting the modesty of a woman," "disturbing religious assemblies" and "trespassing on burial places". Pffffffffttttt!

Last summer I told you about a guy who threatened to shoot his neighbor for farting! This post is doubly entertaining as it also has a brief etymology of the word "fart".

While outlawing gaseous anal emissions and/or shooting another human bean because he broke wind may be a bit on the extreme side, being reprimanded for farting at work is not.

Hostile Work Environment

The U.S. Social Security Administration said it has rescinded a reprimand filed against an employee for creating a "hostile work environment" by passing gas. 
The reprimand, which became public when it was posted on TheSmokingGun website, was filed against a worker accused by co-workers of creating a "hostile work environment" by continuously passing gas and releasing an unpleasant odor, The Washington Post reported Friday. 

The agency said the reprimand has now been rescinded. 

"When senior management became aware of the reprimand it was immediately rescinded," spokeswoman Dorothy Clark said. 

The Social Security Administration did not offer a date for the rescinding action or respond to questions about the status of the employee. 

The reprimand was filed by the agency's Office of Disability Operations and cited 60 occasions when the worker was accused of passing gas -- up to nine times per day -- in his office over the course of about 12 weeks. 

The employee was described by TheSmokingGun as a 38-year-old man working at a Social Security office in Baltimore. 

Is nothing sacred anymore?

When an employer can reprimand, or even possibly terminate, you because you exercise your Constitutionally-guaranteed (it falls under the "pursuit of happiness" or something) right to let one rip, then that employer must be held accountable! 


Eat more beans!

Do not be silent! (but deadly)

Fart like there's no tomorrow!


Friday, May 17, 2013

FLUSHED: $10,000 Worth of Jewelry!

Today's story involves lost jewelry. Very expensive lost jewelry.

That's one thing I have never understood. Why people wear expensive baubles and beadfs aroung like most other people wear watches or wedding rings. Are they showing off? Maybe. Are the just doing what they think is OK? Probably. Could it be that they are just plain old Dumbasses? Most likely.

The worst offenders in this type of "Look at me!" Dumbassey are rappers and athletes. Even the White Guys. I have seen White Guys wearing chains big enough to use on a Harley. The Black Guys, though, bring bling beyond blinding to blistering., like looking directly at the Sun through a telescope without the proper Solar filters. That's some bright shit, bro!
El Flush-o

The Other Worst Offenders

It may comes a surprise to you, but the absolute worst bling-wearing boneheads are White Little Old Ladies. Just like the bruthahs who accessorize like Mr. T, I have nothing against White Little Old Ladies. My Mother is a White Little Old Lady for criiminy's sakes. I do, however, have a problem with someone wearing 100 pounds of bling on a 94 pound body. White Little Old's very unbecoming.

I realize that some pieces of jewelry are family heirlooms and gifts from dearly departed loved ones, but putting them on display when you do everyday things like go to the Piggly Wiggly (for you Yoopers, that's a supermarket chain in the South... and I don't mean South Dee-troit either) to pick up some Spam and Egg Beaters.

To my way of thinking, wearing a shit load of gold and diamonds is like having a neon sign above your head flashing "Beat Me Up and Rob Me of My Bling!" Now, atletes and rappers can probably defend themselves with little or no difficulty, especially if they are packing a rod. (Again, for you Yoopers, that means "carrying a gun"). BANG! Dead Bad Guy. I am very fond of Dead Bad Guys. But, I digress.

Bling Can Be Lost, Too

In addition to being beaten the hell out of, mugged and maimed, losing your bling is also a very good possibility. And if you are sporting a ton of the shiny objects, how would you know if you lost one? Do you keep with you an inventory on the jewels you wear each day? Where? On your iPhone? that won't do you any good, because the same Soon to Be Dead Bad Guy that ripped off your jewelry will also steal your iPhone. In other words, you are fucked.

Dammit, I digressed again.

Ask a lady in (Adolph Coors Company) Golden, Colorado about accidentally losing precious personal jewelry. She recently lost ten large (I have already given the Yoopers lessons on "large") worth of jewels when she flushed them down the toilet!

From 9News (Colorado's News Leader!): "Wilkerson said she took her rings off at a water park so she wouldn't lose them. She rolled them in Kleenex and put them in her bag.
"Well, during the day I had blown my nose, and I had thrown more Kleenexes in there, so when I got home I just grabbed the Kleenexes, threw them down the toilet," she said.
She went to bed and woke up in a panic.
"And I started screaming, 'Oh, my gosh! I flushed my rings down the toilet,'" she said." 

In scientific terms, this is called "self-inflicted Dumbassery". Mrs. W had to know she was headed to the water park, so why would she wear all the valuables there any way? She's a White Little Old Lady! That's why!

Happy Ending 

There is a nice ending to the story, thankfully, as some Sewer Guys (no word on whether they were wearing bling or not) found Mrs. W's valuable bling and returned it to her.

Let this be a lesson to not only Mrs. W, but to all White Little Old Ladies across the country.

Bad Guy Repellant - 3 Nifty Sizes
The lesson: If you are gonna wear a bunch of expensive shit to do every day make sure it is secure on your person. And pack heat. Major heat. Glock 9mm will do nicely.


Thursday, May 16, 2013

Teacher Wants Day Off of Work; Calls in Bomb Threat to Guacamole School!

A while back I posted the first "Guide to Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work". I knew that I had covered only a few of millions of reasons to take a day off from your job. There's one excuse I left off that list that'll blow you away when I reveal it to you.

It's also a felony.

Let me splain.
Fighting Avacados!

There's this private school in Denver named Escuela de Guadalupe, which is Meskin for "School of Guacamole". The Gucamole School employs a physical education teacher whose handle is Jennifer Gomes, which is Meskin for "Jennifer Gomes". One day Senorita Gomes decided that she wanted to take a day off of work and she came up with an utterly flawless idea, and by flawless I mean fucking stoopid, that would not only give her the much-deserved day off she wanted, but everybody (students, teachers, administrators, janitors) at the Guacamole School would get to stay home too! I know you're thinking, "how could a simple PE teacher accomplish something of such a grand scale?" You dumbass, what else could she do but call in a bomb threat! I.Am.Not.Making.This.Up. It is said that there is a fine line between genius and insanity, well the Guacamole School PE teacher has firmly entrenched herself on the Dumbass side of that line.

Imagine the joy and smiling young faces, not to mention the thunderous chorus of "Gracias, Senorita Gomes!", from the Little Fighting Avacados (Fighting Avacado is the school mascot) when they found out that she alone was responsible for this unscheduled school holiday. On the other hand , the estudiantes will be throwing rancid tamales at the pendeja when they find out they'll have to make up this day later in the school year.

At any rate, Ms. Gomes is now charged with a felony for making a bomb threat at a Guacamole School, which in this barrio in Denver is a right of passage. I can say this because I have been to many barrios in the Greater Denver Area and I can assure you that not a single one of them will appear on the cover of Better Homes and Garden or on a Top 10 Best Places in America to Live lists, so I am not at all out of el line-o here. Paraphrasing The Bard, "a dumbass by any other color would be as fucking stoopid".

Besides, Senorita Gomes did it for the children - her little Fighting Avacados.


Wednesday, May 15, 2013

200,000 Dumbasses in 160 Countries Can't Be Wrong! Or Can They?

 Dumbass News has reached another milestone!

Just seconds ago, Dumbass News recorded its 200,000th page view!





Holy Dumbass Horde, Batman!

It was in March, 2013 that Dumbass News went over 150,000 page views and here we are a mere two months later celebrating another Big Deal. Two. Hundred. Thousand. Two hundred Large. One-fifth of one million.

That's a shit load of Dumbasses, folks.

  1. That the number of people almost equal to the population of Burbank, Cal-ee-forn-ya would actually take the time to read the stoopid shit that I write.
  2. That the number of people almost equal to the population of Burbank, Cal-ee-forn -ya are stoopid enough to read the stoopid shit that I write.
  3. That 200,000 Dumbasses can read at all.
  4. That the rate of growth of Dumbass News, over the last few months especially, has been  phenomenal, in no small part because of a) many new Bloggin' Buddies who, much to their detriment, have put Dumbass News on their own blogrolls and b) a recent mention on one of the most popular (and my Favorite Blog of All Time) blogs in the world, Ace of Spades HQ.
  5. The rate of growth of this blog proves the words of P.T. Barnum to be true: "There's a Dumbass born every minute".
  6. That Dumbass News will forevermore be a part of dark, dingy basement reading curriculum as long as the Internet exists.
  7. That just two and a half short years ago I was ecstatic to check the blog's stats and see that we had gotten twenty page views on any given day.
  8. Last month alone we got almost 22,000 look-sees. That's 22,000 Felons on Parole with WiFi access.
  9. Thank you.

Dumbass Steals Guns from FBI Guy's Car!

I start off this post with a familiar refrain, "there is no shortage of Dumbasses that make finding material for Dumbass News easy as pie." Today another group of Duimbasses is highlighted as being the most deserving idiots available in being honored (snicker, snicker) as Dumbasses of the Day.

The unique thing about this story is the fact that it has a "trickle down effect". By that I mean that it started with a Dumbass at the Top and oozed down to a couple of other Dumbasses involved in the incident.

Burglary of a Car

Here's the deal...Dumbass #1 broke into a car parked in front of the car owner's house. He stole some shit. By shit I mean a submachine gun, assault rifle, shotgun and some other jazz. (The Jazz includes: a "Remington 870 shotgun, a Colt M16 and an H&K MP-5 submachine gun were missing from the trunk. A bulletproof vest and various magazines and ammunition also were gone." Thanks!) At this point, I am asking myself, "Fearless Leader Self, what kind of person would have all this military hardware in a car while it is parked in his driveway?" I'll tell you what kind of person would have all this military hardware in a car while it is parked in his driveway. An FBI Agent, that's what kind of person would have all this military hardware in a car while it is parked in his driveway.

Enter "Trickle Down".

A Whole Lotta Tricklin' Goin' On Out There

Scatter Gun
Now Dumbass #1 meets up with his compadre, whom we'll call Dumbass #2 (clever, ain't I?), and gives him the pilfered loot.

Now this dumbfuck has all this stolen weaponry and is looking to ditch it as soon as possible. #2 takes all the guns and shit, spreads them all out on his bed and starts the sales process. By way of text messages! Now where have we heard about Dumbasses sending texts that end up gnawing their asses off? Oh, yeah, I remember. There's the story of the guy selling dope by texting and one of his messages ends up on 10 year old's cell phone. The 10 year old's Grandpa is a State Trooper! Hilarity ensues.

Quickly recapping, Dumbass #2 got the stolen shit from Dumbass #1 and is texting out his sales pitch to other Dumbasses. Finally, he makes a "bidness arrangement" with, you guessed it, Dumbass #3. #2 has several thousand dollars worth of military grade weapons and what does he get in return for them? $120 and an ounce of pot. Depending on the quality of the weed, it could go for as much as a few hundred dollars an o-z <---a little drug dealer lingo there. That adds up to maybe 500 bucks. Not only is #2 a Dumbass, he's a bad bidness man too.

Trickling Back Up   

Dumbass #3 screws up good enough to get busted and it was just a matter of time before Numbers 1 and 2 got popped and they did. That is what is called "climbing the ladder". Kind of like baseball, but instead of balls and strikes, we're dealing Dumbasses here. Also, there are no felonies in baseball. I think.

All three Dumbasses now face some serious Federal Pen time for stealing gubmint property and being in possession of guns they ain't supposed to be in possession of. It's just a matter of whether their new address will be in Sing Sing or Leavenworth.

Hopefully, our three actors will run into someone who can show 'em what a "sawed-off shotgun" is all about - our Dumbass News Adopted Felon Leon "Hung Like a Horse" Williams. When they "befriend" Leon, he'll show 'em what assault with a deadly weapon is all about.


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Newest Quit Smoking Method: Bitch Slap a Cop!

We are nothing if not civic-minded at Dumbass News. 

Our support for law enforcement officers in this country is unwavering and irrefutable. We have proven this time after time over the last two and a half years.

Take for instance the time we stood solidly behind a Philadelphia cop who was assaulted by a drunk Dumbass during Oktoberfest last year. This unprovoked attack on one of Philly's Finest was met with a very provoked Cop Uses Baton to Beat the Dog Shit Out of a Drunk Dumbass response.

We steadfastly supported the Man in Blue who was viciously beaten about the head and shoulders and upper extremities of his body by a sex toy wielding Mad Woman! I know you'll find it hard to believe that this Dumbass Dame was drunk at the time of the incident.

Dumbass News was at the forefront of Dumbass Journalism when we brought the horrific story of  three Seattle Police Dudes who were faced with the split second decision that could have meant life or death. Well, OK, not exactly life and death, but they were assailed by a chick with duct taped boobs!

This type of lawlessness must not, and will not, be tolerated!

Unless it's Dumbass News -worthy! 

Which leads us to today's story.

Smokin' in Sac Town  

Etta Lopez of Sacramento, Cal-ee-forn-ya, like millions of our fellow citizens, is an addict. Etta is a slave to nicotine. 

Try as she might, Etta could not escape the death grip of Demon Tobacco.

Until she slapped a cop.

Let me splain.

It's All in the Timing 

There are myriad products out there that claim to be THE way to quit smoking. As I was typing that last sentence there was a commercial on TV about Chantrix or some shit. The State of Maine has been running Public Service Announcements about every ten minutes (or so it seems) touting the Quit Smoking Hot Line Thing. One of the most popular recent methods to help folks give up Marlboros is the E-Butt Electronic Cigarette or whatever it's called.

None of these quit smoking schemes worked for Etta Lopez, so she came up with a simply brilliant, if illegal, way to quit smoking.

Etta was hanging out at the Sacramento Jail in an area where newly released inmates go to be picked up by waiting relatives and friends after having paid their debt to society. Only Etta wasn't there to pick up a family member or friend, she was there to quit smoking!

But, Fearless Leader, how does one go about smoking cessation at a jail house?

One waits for a cop to exit the building then one walks up to the cop and bitch slaps him. That's how one goes about smoking cessation at the local hoosegow.

No Smoking

There was a method to Etta's madness for slapping the hell out of an unsuspecting police man right there on the jail house grounds. There is NO SMOKING in the Sac County Lock Up! 

Fucking brilliant!

Think about it. If you have no access to your particular vice (cigs, drugs, etc.), then you have taken the first step in kicking the habit.

You have also taken the first step to being a felon, but, hell, the ends justify the means. The ends also justify a lengthy stay in prison, but what the hell, huh? At least she'll be rid of that nasty nicotine habit.


***Image from***

Monday, May 13, 2013

PETA Wants Memorial Sign Erected for Fish Killed in Truck Wreck!

I am a fisherman. Correction: I am a damn good fisherman. More than fifty years experience will do that to a guy. Each time I head out to the lake, river or creek, I set out with the notion in mind of decimating the local fish population. Metaphorically speaking of course. Fish. Fear.Me. Having said all that, let it be known that I fastidiously follow all fishing rules and regulations when I am on the water. Fact is, I rarely ever even keep any fish after one of my fish-slaying extravaganzas. I practice catch and release 99.99999% of the time.
Future Fish Burger in Its Natural Habitat

Going fishing for me is more like "going to Church". I talk to God on a regular basis, but there's something about fishing that brings me closer to the Almighty. I feel more at peace when I am fishing than at any other time. Is it the solitude? The calming effect of the water? I don't know, but I do know that Jesus hung around with a bunch of fishermen,so it can't be all bad.

Crying Over Spilled Fish

I bring up fishing today because of the following story from United Press International:

IRVINE, Calif. (UPI) -- An animal rights group is asking a California city to put up a sign acknowledging the suffering of fish that died in a traffic incident.
Irvine resident Dina Kourda wrote a letter to city officials on behalf of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals asking for a sign to be placed at the site of the October crash to recognize the suffering of hundreds of saltwater bass that died when a truck carrying the fish collided with two other vehicles Oct. 11, The Orange County Register reported Tuesday.

Kourda said she wants the sign to remind truck drivers of their responsibility to the animals who are "hauled to their deaths every day."

"Although such signs are traditionally reserved for human fatalities, I hope you'll make an exception because of the enormous suffering involved in this case," the letter read.

"Research tells us that fish use tools, tell time, sing, and have impressive long-term memories and complex social structures. Yet fish used for food are routinely crushed, impaled, cut open, and gutted, all while still conscious. Sparing them from being tossed from a speeding truck and slowly dying from injuries and suffocation seems the least that we can do," Kourda wrote. 

 My Thoughts
  • Are. You. Kiddin'. Me.?
  • We are dealing with PETA and Cal-ee-forn-ya here, so, no, they ain't kiddin'.
  • Fish are meant to be eaten. The Son of Man ate them and that's all the approval I need to eat them.
  • It's very difficult to make a Filet O' Fish without fish.
  • Is it just me or is it really offensive to compare the fish that perished in a traffic accident to the loss of a human life in a traffic accident?
  • Re: the Dead Fish Memorial Sign, see the comment directly above this one. Also, when you see a roadside memorial that marks the spot where a living breathing human being DIED, doesn't it make you keenly aware of the dangers of drunk driving or something like that? A sign memorializing dead fish lacks, shall we say, impact?
  • If I were to see a "Fish Died Here" sign on the side of the road, I'd get hungry and start looking for the closest Long John Silver or Catfish Cabin.
  • Members of PETA are also against dancing shrimp.
  • Go fishing and take home a limit then send a photo of your catch to your nearest PETA office just to piss them off.
  • Eat more fish.
  • Screw PETA.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Mothers Day!

Happy Mothers Day!!! I sincerely hope that your Mom has her best day ever. God bless her.

  • To my Mom - I never would have turned out like I am without the unconditional love that my Mom has shown me for the last 56 years. She is the best human being I know, bar none. I love her with all my heart and cannot thank her enough for all the times she repaired my wounds, both physical and mental. When I'm down about life, it's like she has a built-in mechanism that sends off a signal that I need her. Her love, compassion and support have been unwavering, unyielding....her guidance given with a gentle hand and a loving heart. I am eternally in her debt. Two simple words describe my Mom - The Best. I love you, Mom.
  • To Heather my Wife - Heather has stood beside me like no other woman I have ever known. There were times when she could have, and probably should have, easily thrown my sorry ass out with yesterday's garbage. She didn't. She stood by when I was not very deserving of such devotion. Our love for each other is so powerful that only the Almighty hisownself could rip it apart. Still, it's amazing to me that I love her a little more each day. She's the answer to a prayer and I thank God for her every day. I love you, Heather.
Being a Mom is the toughest, often most thankless, job in the world. Moms make the planet a better place simply by being Moms. Mamas keep plugging away day after day keeping us healthy, happy and most importantly, loved. They are Moms and that's what Moms do.

Sometimes we take Mothers for granted, but I can assure you that they never take us for granted. They are, as the old song says, "Creation's most unique and precious pearl".

Happy Mothers Day!

Saturday, May 11, 2013

The Rent Is Due & I'm Broke! Hey! I'll Rob a Bank!

Love is a powerful thing. Real powerful. Love has caused men and women to do some of the most dumbass things humanly possible. One of the greatest artists of all time, Vincent Van Gogh, was so in love with a woman that when she wouldn't give him the time of day, much less "some" (IFKWIMAITYD), the stoopid bastard cut off his own ear! That's a bit of an extreme example, maybe, but even in the realm of Super Heroes, his Super Love for Lois Lane was so strong that The Man of Steel hisownself gave up his powers to spend his life with her. I've only got one thing to say about that. Lois must have had some mighty good, er, um, uh, "groceries" for Superman to do something that radical. But, as they say, that's the way love goes.

Love Pays the Rent 

There's a Dumbass in Florida named Raymond Schaefer  who was deeply in love with a young lady and he would do almost anything to prove his feelings for her. When I say "almost anything", I of course mean rob banks. You see, Ray was faced with a situation that pitted his love for this woman against his common sense. Guess which one won out?

The deal was that Ray's gal needed money to pay her rent. Good ole Raymond, ever the romantic gentleman,told his sweetie not to fret over the rent money because he had an idea. His actual words were, and I quote, "Sweetie, don't you fret over the rent money because I have an idea." Sweetie was taken aback and all of a sudden her heart had a warm fuzzy feeling. She replied to Ray, "Ray, I am taken aback and all of a sudden my heart has a warm fuzzy feeling." When recounting a conversation of such import, I am accurate if nothing else.

Amore and Felonies

Eager to please his chick and ready for his own little trip to the "grocery store", Ray went about the task of accruing rent money for his honeybunch. So, he went to the bank to make a withdrawal. With a note and a gun. It is my understanding that Federal authorities take a dim view of such methods of getting money from a financial institution.This sort of thing irritates the Feds so much that they are more than happy and willing to house a man like Raymond for 5 - 15 years with the State of Florida picking up the tab.

But wait there's more! It seems that the young lady who had Ray's heart in her hands needed more "rent money" than she had anticipated. Fear not! Ray's love knew no bounds, so he once again set out to acquire the cash for his lover. His decision was a simple one. In order to keep his bimbo housed was to - you guessed it! - rob another bank!

I told you love would make a grown man do some downright dumbass stuff. Ray proves my point.

Free Room and Board

Soon after the second "rent money run", the Long Arm of the Law caught up with Raymond - at abuse treatment facility! Now who in the hell would have ever thought such a thing possible? Our man Ray? An abuser of substances? Go figger.

Long story short, Mr. Schaefer eventually confessed to his wrong doings and is at present a guest of the Florida Department of Corrections. What a sad ending to the love story of the ages. Ray lost his girl, his freedom and after a few days in the slammer, his hiney virginity, just so he could help a damsel in distress. What chivalry! What devotion! What a fucking moron!

On the bright side, Raymond gets three squares a day, a place to sleep and all the "prison love" he can handle. 

Rent free.


Friday, May 10, 2013

Dumbass Mothers Day Gift Ideas to Avoid Like the Plague!

I am a guy. I am a lousy gift buyer. This is especially true when it comes to picking out a gift for a woman, say, like Mom.

When you are a kid getting Mom a Mothers Day present is easy. Any gift will do. Perfume? Sure. House shoes. You bet. Embalmed gila monster incense burner? Not a problem. But as you get older, you are expected to be a bit more practical about such things. I don't understand why that is though. I am still a guy who has no frakkin' clue what to get Mom for her special day. Besides, an embalmed gila monster incense burner still sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
Nothing Says "Mom's a Slut" Like a High Heel Wine Holder for Mothers Day

It is at this point that I remind myself that I am a Dumbass.


These days it's much easier to do the actual shopping for a Mothers Day gift, thanks in large part to the internet. If you have an internet connection and a debit card you can buy practically anything from anywhere in the world. A few mouse clicks and the next thing you know Mom has been booked for an all expense paid trip to Puerta NoOneKnows or she's the proud owner of that authentic fake Shroud of Turin Replica, autographed by Jesus. Yes, Jesus himself (pronounced Hay-soos), a Colombian burro rancher and part-time cocaine distributor for the Cali drug cartel, will personally sign and authenticate each Shroud sold. I must point out that although the Shroud may be a reproduction, the burro hair it is made from is quite real. It's a real steal at 4 bazillion pesos. That's about 38 cents American. A free line of blow is included with bulk orders of 25 or more.

Any Mom would be glad to own one and proud to wear it to her next Little Old Ladies' Every Other Wednesday Canasta Tournament and Tequila Drinking Extravaganza.

Or maybe not.

Making the RIGHT Choice

This is where things get hairy when guys buy stuff for women, whether it's for Mothers Day, an anniversary or because he was out waaaayyy too late with the boys last night. No matter the circumstance, we men make lousy gift choices.

As a Public Service to My Fellow Male Dumbasses Who Are Pitiful Gift Buyers for Females, I have heeded the advice of my wife, who is also a Mother, and done an extraordinary amount of research into gifts to not buy Mom this Sunday. And by "extraordinary research" I mean Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde sent me an email with a link to some really fucking stoopid crap being sold as gifts. And by "fucking stoopid crap" I mean shit that would clutter up a landfill.

Let us explore.


I am gonna put up a few photos of actual items for sale that some poor Dumbass will buy for his wife or Mother. The wife or Mother, upon receipt of this steaming pile of merchandise, will then Google up "gazebo removers", if you know what I mean and I think you do.

First up...

While this contraption may look like Good Old Dad has an ulterior motive in making this purchase, the fact of the matter is that while this may look like something Mom practices a hummer on, it's actually a (I ain't making this up) a "Suction-Powered Lip Plumper". It must be a tremendous item, just take notice of the "far away" look in Mom's eyes. I think Dad may be on to something here. I'm just sayin'.

Item #2...

If you think the blow job insinuator up there ^^^ is a poor choice of Mothers Day gift ideas, then this one probably comes with a loaded .45 and a hollow point bullet in the chamber. This contraption is a "Waist Stretcher". I can think of no better way to get Mom to Google-ing "gazebo removers" or "insanity pleas for husband murder" than to make her a present of this thing. You see, Mothers Day is the perfect time to let Mom know she's put on an extra inch or two in the abdominal area. Trust me on this one, Guys. You'd rather fight Satan at the End of Times using only a Slinky as a weapon than to buy this as a Mothers Day gift. The Blow Job Thing is a far better choice. And that ain't necessarily a positive thing.

Mom the Sports Fan

I am from Texas and almost all Texas Women are sports fans to varying degrees. My sister Teri can talk shit about sports with the best of 'em, male or female. For women like her, this "Personalized Bobblehead Doll" would be an outstanding gift idea. Keep in mind,Guys, that the woman you buy one of these for must be a HUGE sports fan! If she's not big on football and stuff and you give her this lovely trinket for Mothers Day, on Monday she will be a big Female Divorce Lawyer on PMS Fan. Enough said.

Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde came across these sensational items on the Huffandpuffandgiveyouablowjobpost, where you can view a nifty slide show of wonderful Mothers Day gift ideas similar to those above. She then proceeded to lecture about the virtue of receiving diamonds as a deterrent to"gazebo remover" or "pissed of female divorce attorney" Google-ing. I am sure she was being very sincere with me.

For more exciting and "unique" ways to tell Mom you love her this Mothers Day, it is imperative that you visit the site where all these valuable and collectible treasures can be found.

Fellow Dumbasses, let valor be the better part of judgement when considering what to give Mom this Sunday. Also, in your mind's ear, let the words "gazebo remover" echo loudly and often. I'm just sayin'.

Humor Blogs - Blog Rankings Google

Follow Us