Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Odds of Winning Illinois Lotto Check Bouncing Less Than Getting Obliterated by An Asteroid! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Friday, May 24, 2013

Odds of Winning Illinois Lotto Check Bouncing Less Than Getting Obliterated by An Asteroid!

The Lottery.

Instant riches.

All for a dollar or two spent on a lottery ticket.

Bullshit.

A few days ago I saw a headline on the Drudge Report (I think) that said something like "Dumbass
Wins $590,000,000 Power Ball Mega Bucks You're a Sucker Lotto!".

I thought "Wow! With that kind of money a guy could pass up on ObamaCare and get a private health insurance plan! And with the leftover cash (all $27 of it, after taxes) he could take his family out to lunch at McDonalds. If they ordered from the Value Meal Menu."

More Lotto News

How many times have you heard someone say, "If I could only win the Lotto I'd....." Then the Dumbass would go on about how he'd buy a new house, a car, a green energy company, a night in the Lincoln Bedroom in the White House...." You get the picture.

As a Public Service to Dumbasses Everywhere, I thought I would share with you some information on exactly how likely it is that any given Dumbass could buy a single Power Ball Mega Bucks You're a Sucker Lotto ticket and win untold millions of dollars.

Odds

I employed my Super Human Fearless Leader Google Fu Powers © and came up with the odds of various things happening versus the odds of winning the Power Ball Mega Bucks You're a Sucker Lotto. 

Winning Power Ball Mega Bucks You're a Sucker Lotto (single ticket) - 1 in 175,000,000 
 Save. Your. Money. Dumbass.

Dying from a bee sting - 1 in 6.1 million 
Buzz Kill or Killer Buzz?

Dying from being left-handed - 1 in 4.4 million
Lots of Southpaws die from accidents while using right-handed stuff like scissors. My wife is a Left-hander.

Being a Movie Star - 1 in 1,505,000
I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille.

Dying in a plane crash - 1 in 1 million
Lynyrd Skynyrd, Buddy Holly, Jim Croce.....I'm just sayin'.

Getting struck by lightning - 1 in 1 million
Stay indoors during a thunderstorm, Dumbass.

Dying by asteroid collision with Earth - 1 in 12,500
No worries. Bruce Willis will save us all!

Getting attacked by a shark -  1 in 11.5 million
People burgers!

Scoring holes-in-one on consecutive Par 3 Holes - 1 in 156,000,000
Does this stat include Putt Putt? 

Winning at the State Lottery and getting a winnings check that bounces?
It happened to eight people in Illinois!

From ABC Local in Chicago: When you win the Lotto, you expect to get paid.
"So much money goes into the lottery, you would think that they would be able to pay out. And then when you find out that a check bounced, you're stunned. Why would a lottery check bounce? At first I didn't believe it!" said Chicago Lotto Winner Patti Crenshaw.
But it's true. Illinois Lottery officials confirm they bounced eight checks May 1st worth $9,940 dollars. Read the rest from Channel 7 here. 

Bring on the Killer bees!

Dumbasses.


2 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. LMFAO I had a pithy reply to your comment all ready to go when I hear a MAINE LOTTERY commercial on TV! Now, I got nothin'. What are the odds of that happening?

      Delete

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