Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Drunk Lady Smacks Cop Upside the Head With Sex Toy! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Drunk Lady Smacks Cop Upside the Head With Sex Toy!

Best of Dumbass News

When I wrote this story about some drunk, horny Battery Operated Boyfriend-wielding Dumbass Dame attacking a policeman last November, I remember thinking at the time that stories like that would come around about once every 12 to 18 months. I was wrong. It took less than six months for another one to become the buzz (ha ha) of the internet.
TWELVE Inches?

For today's Assault by Dildo Tale we venture to Upstate New York.

BOB and the Cop

The Watertown, New York Police Department recently received an early morning call about an unwanted person at a local residence. The "unwanted person" was a local woman who was not a welcomed guest at the home of a male friend of hers. At 3AM! This would be the appropriate time to inject (pun intended) into the story that the bimbo was, shall we say, drunk. No, we shall say that she was blasted. 

Anyway, it was three in the morning and Officer Jonathon Pitts did his duty and went to check out what the hell was happening at this apartment. Upon surmising that the woman was indeed inebriated and not welcomed at the guy's home, Officer Pitts went about escorting the Dumbass from the residence when IT happened.

The suspect, Lisa Anderson, took offense to being removed from the premises and on the way out, lead by Officer Pitts, Anderson noticed a pink sex toy that just happened to be laying in a nearby chair. It was at this point that she picked up the plastic penis, threw a high heater ( a little baseball lingo there) in the general direction of the cop and it smacked the Good Officer on the forehead!

Questions immediately abound.

WTF

Being the inquisitive Dumbass that I am, I demand answers to some very pertinent questions that arise from this incident.

Questions:

  • Why is Lisa Anderson, the drunk fake dick throwing dumbass out at 3 AM? Did her mother not ever tell her that nothing good happens after midnight? 
  • Why is there a pink plastic penis "just laying around" in a chair in the living room of the victim's apartment? I am of the opinion that the guy in this story wanted to get his freak on with Lisa and the BOB but she was too loaded to perform to his specifications. This is merely speculative mind you.
  • As a former Professional Drinker, I saw and did some pretty damned stoopid shit, but throwing a dildo at a cop was not one of them. Of course, I never had much use for a  TWELVE INCH (according to the police report) pink plastic ding a ling, whether my Blood Alcohol Content was .02 or .20. Then again I was never lucky enough to be around a drunk chick who came over to my house at 3 AM wanting to play "Bury the BOB in My Nether Regions". 
  • Damn the bad luck.
Three Hour Tour 

It goes without saying that Lisa was taken into custody and put up for the remainder of the night in the City of Watertown Cross Bar Hilton charged with the "old dildo to the head of the investigating flat foot is a no-no" statute. This is a misdemeanor offense, so after sobering up, Lisa was released from custody and hightailed it straight away to a local 7-11 where she purchased a bottle of the Mad Dog and some "C" cell batteries for BOB. 

I hope she gets here before 3 AM.

Dumbass.

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