Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Furor in Pittsburgh! Cop in Uniform Wearing Unicorn Mask in Photo w/ Porn Star! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Monday, August 12, 2013

Furor in Pittsburgh! Cop in Uniform Wearing Unicorn Mask in Photo w/ Porn Star!

Baseball. Our National Pasttime.

Even the names of long ago ball playing Legends are ingrained in the minds of baseball fans today...

Babe Ruth. Lou Gehrig. Willie Mays. Nolan Ryan. Andy San Dimas....wait...what?

Who the hell is Andy San Dimas and what in the name of Ty Cobb does he have to do with Major League Baseball? First of all, Andy San Dimas is not a "he", but a "she", and her claim to MLB Fame is not as a player, but as a spectator.

Let me splain.

At the Old Ball Game

Andy was recently in attendance at a Pittsburgh Pirates game just like tens of thousands of other fans. but, Andy is different than your average Pirates fan in a few of ways.

She's a high paid stripper

And a porn star.

Who likes to wear a unicorn mask.

I. Ain't. Makin'. This. Up. has the story: The girl with the unicorn mask was sitting in the seats directly in front of us, with a friend of hers. Her friend started talking with the people sitting next to us, and mentioned that she was in town to dance at Cheerleaders and that she was a "major triple x star." Didn't catch a name. If I remember correctly they have something called the "unicorn army," in which they take pictures of themselves wearing the unicorn mask in various places and post the pictures to Instagram.
Anyway, between the top and bottom of the sixth inning, we convinced her to put the mask on and start doing a dance at the bottom of the stairs of our section, because there was a camera guy looking at us from the field. She was doing her sexy stripper dance, but keeping her clothes on, and an usher in the moat between our seats and the really, really fancy seats asked her to stop a couple times, but she ignored him. He radioed something into his shoulder walkie talkie and walked away and she sat down before the bottom of the inning started. Right around the time it did, a security guy came by our seats, and standing in the moat, motioned to her to come talk to him. Instead of pleading her case, she got up and decided to just leave, but not without screaming "OH I'M SORRY I WAS TRYING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME AT THE FUCKING PIRATES GAME." It was pretty magical, all in all.
She was wearing a Neil Walker shirt for some reason, despite the fact that she wasn't from Pittsburgh and he's injured. Also, the people next to her said they could tell from her glassy eyes that she was on heroin, which if true, makes the whole thing even better I think. Me and my dad were just in town from New York to see the Mets series, and that was some shit that we definitely never saw at Citi Field.

Did someone say "photos"?

Like this one? ---> 

That is Andy San Dimas in the photo. Andy's the one not wearing the unicorn head. The guy in the uniform wearing the unicorn mask is a Pittsburgh Police Officer! See the stripes on the sleeve of the cop's uniform? Those are the markings of a Sergeant - a leader of men, a supervisor, a Dumbass.

The Higher Ups in the Pittsburgh police Department are not amused.

I, on the other hand, see this Unicorniness as a Public Relations Coup for PPD and Stripper/Porn Star Community Relations. I mean, what could be more coalescing for two such disparate groups than sharing the magic of a beloved symbol like a unicorn?

Unicorns and Skittles?

Unicorns shitting Skittles?

And rainbows. Don't forget the rainbows.



  1. I see nothing wrong here. Strippers, cops, unicorn heads. Sounds like a job I'd like. Sign me up!


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