Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Scandi Swimming Scare! Testicle - Eating Fish! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Scandi Swimming Scare! Testicle - Eating Fish!

I am a Water Guy.

When I see a body of water - a creek, a river, a pond or a lake - I think "Fish!"

I am a fisherman.

Fish. Fear. Me.

I don't like to swim, however, even though I am a good swimmer.

There's shit in the water that will fuck you up. Like snakes. Or alligators. Even some species of fish.

Just ask the people who swim in the Oresund, a strait between Denmark and Sweden.

Invasive Species 

Some Danish Dumbass was fishing in the Orelund recently when he caught what was to him a very unusual looking fish. This particular fish was indeed a strange resident of these waters because it is native to The Amazon!



The fish in question is a red-bellied pacu, a cousin of the piranha.

As you can imagine, a fish of this pedigree can be quite a nusaince. Especially to unsuspecting swimmers. Let me re-phrase that - especially to unsuspecting male swimmers. You see, in it's native waters of the Amazon, the pacu uses its teeth to eat other fish as well as fruits and nuts that fall from trees hanging over the water. The pacu of the Oresund have also become quite fond of a type of nuts native to Scandinavia - the nuts in a man's ball sack! As Foxnews.com points out, in "Papua New Guinea the invasive species has reportedly earned the reputation as the "ball-cutter" after castrating a couple of local fishermen!" (emphasis mine) 

Henrik Carl, a fish expert at the Natural History Museum of Denmark notes that the pacu bite "because they are hungry and testicles sit nicely in their mouths." This is not unlike some hookers in San Francisco. But I digress.

Carl's advice to swimmers in the Oresund? "Keep your swimwear on if you are bathing in the Sound." My advice to swimmers in the Oresund is threefold:

  1. Wear a metal jock strap while swimming in the Oresund, or
  2. Run, or in this case swim, to the nearest dry land, you idiots!
  3. Do not visit Papua New Guinea for a wade fishing extravaganza.
Dumbasses.





6 comments:

  1. If I had balls, I'd be holding them protectively right now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did exactly that when I was writing the story.

      Delete
  2. Seems only fair, to me - man eats fish nuggets all the time.

    Granted, my man nuggets will not be made available for fish fast food menu...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But these guys are Scandis. So their nuggets are popcorn shrimp.

      Delete
  3. My sack is in pain just reading about this! I'll stay in the safety of my pool, thanks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I now what you mean. It gives a guy a pain "right there", doesn't it?

      Delete

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