Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Granny Saves Lots of Cash for Retirement; By Selling Pot! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Granny Saves Lots of Cash for Retirement; By Selling Pot!

Best of Dumbass News

Many cultists in members of the Dumbass Horde, myself included, have reached a point in life where our Sunset Years are not that many sunsets away.

I, personally, am very close to needing to turn on the porch light in order to see through the dusk. My constant companion, Artur Itis, has, however, been kind enough to supply me with one of those curly-q CFL porch lights. How magnanimous of him.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am looking for something, someone to give me hope and inspiration as I transition from Middle Aged Curmudgeon to Full Blown Old Fart. I am ecstatic to tell you, my Beloved Dumbass Horde, that I have found my Seasoned Citizen Guru in, of all places, Oklahoma.

Darlene Mayes, Granny Role Model  
Retirement Planner

Darlene is special.

At age 73 she is an entrepreneur who has struck it rich in her chosen endeavor. Her business encompasses several states including Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, and Kansas. As a matter of fact, Granny's bidness supplies a full forty per cent of her product to this region.

Unfortunately, Darlene's bidness ran into a major roadblock recently and was forced to unexpectedly shut down. Tax problems? Nope. The bad economy? Her product is basically recession-proof, so that ain't the deal. The culprit in bringing Darlene's to a screeching halt was the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics!

Let me splain.

The Herb Superb

You see, Granny Mayes' wasn't selling hand knitted quilts or Afghans or even crocheted doilies for Chrissake. She was selling POT! Latin Lettuce! Mari-fucking-juana! She was what the law enforcement community calls a Drug Kingpin. I. Shit. You. Not. This sweet, innocent looking Little Old Lady was responsible for selling millions of dollars and thousands of pounds of weed in at least four states!
When Darlene and her "bidness associates" were busted by the Law, she was in possession of four pounds of pot, a semi-auto pistol and a revolver. Not to mention $276,000 in cash! One her her pot dealers was her son who was popped with several thousand dollars in cash and two LBs (pounds) of potential Manually Assembled Relaxation Devices (joints, fatties, Meskin Marlboros, etc.).

According to the HuffHuffPassPass Post, when the heat went into Darlene's house "cops found the supply in her bedroom, which reeked of weed. A vacuum-sealed bag full of the stuff was found in the closet, and bundles of bills labeled "$15,000" were found under her box spring. They found a pipe and another bag of weed in the bathroom, and a total of $200,000 in more vacuum-sealed bags in a guest room where Mayes' grandchildren reportedly slept."

Darlene feigned surprise and reportedly told the Narcs that all the cheese (cash, for those of you in Kansas) they discovered in her house was "for my retirement". Now that, Dumbasses and Dumbassettes is what is called planning for the future. Except for one thing. All that money was confiscated and remanded to the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics Donuts for a Rainy Day Fund, so Darlene won't see one red cent of it.

She will, however, see the Sun set on her Sunset Years from a lovely cell in a Federal Penitentiary somewhere in the Midwest.

Wasted...such promise, such bidness acumen, such such...

...a Dumbass.


  1. Awesome. I wonder if, when she makes pot brownies, she chases it with prune juice.

    I wonder if, when she's in the slammer, they'll let her eat dinner at 4 p.m.

    I wonder if, when she's in the slammer, she's get a ink-pen tramp-stamp tattoo administrated by her cellmate.

    1. I can not un-see the mental image of this Old Hag with a tramp stamp.

      I may never eat again.

      Thanks, Eli!

  2. I want to be her when I grow up. Trampstamp and all !!

    1. M*A*R*D Fan!


      Thanks for the comment!

      BTW, Dumbasses....M*A*R*D* = Manually Assembled Relaxation Device.

  3. Heck, this dumbass could have sold it legally in Denver where I am now!

  4. Just goes to show you that you can't trust anyone...even little old ladies!

    1. I know! This lady is about the same age as my Mom! I just can't see Mom selling weed to build up her "retirement fund".


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