Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: October 2013 : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Dumbass Halloween Costumes!

It's Halloween!

That means that Dumbasses all over the country will attend Dumbass Halloween Parties, get hammered and do Dumbass Stuff, all the while dressed like a bunch of weirdos from San Francisco. Of course in San Francisco, people dress like it's Halloween every day.

So, in honor of All Hallows' Eve, I bring to you....

Dumbass Halloween Costumes!

A head of the curve.

Shitty costume.

Pimpin' ain't easy.

Tale of the Tape.

Plug it in, Big Boy.


Special Delivery.


Hooters Girls, San Francisco


Happy Halloween!


Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Knock on Door at 3 AM; Dumbass Answers; Clowns Rob 'Em Blind!

People are strange, as Jim Morrison wrote lo so many years ago.

They (meaning "we") suffer from some weird shit. Me? I am scared to death of heights, so I suffer from dumbassis tallus itis. Some people are afraid to go outside which, in the parlance of the American Psychiatric Association, is known simply as "stupid as fuck". Then there are those who are actually scared shitless of clowns. This affliction is known as "bozo erectus areyoukiddingme sigmund freud syndrome", or coulrophobia.

After reading today's story we should all be very afraid of grown men who paint their faces up like ancient Zulu warriors in order to amuse people, or as they are known in San Francisco, cab drivers.

But, I digress.

Sawin' Logs

Let's assume it's 2:55 in the morning, you are sleeping off a major bender and all of a sudden, there's a knock at your door. Under these circumstances, I am grabbing the nearest double barrel 12 gauge and s-l-o-w-l-y approaching the door. If I am still drunk enough, I shoot first, then approach the door.

Again, I digress.

This is exactly what happened to a Boca Raton, Florida couple recently. Except for the drunk part. I made that up for dramatic effect.

Instead, however, of being leery of someone knocking at their door at nearly 3 AM (!), the female part of the couple answered the damn door! What could possibly go wrong? Let me tell you what could possibly go wrong. There could be a guy in a scary clown mask at your door just a-chompin' at the bit to steal 120 Klonopin tablets (Klonopin is BAD, BAD joo joo), expensive watches, your wallet and all its contents including credit cards and cash -  that's what could possibly go wrong.
Klown on Klonopin


If you weren't skeered of clowns before this little incident you will be now.

Except for one thing.

You know the guy in the scary clown mask. How do you know that you know the guy in the scary clown mask? He lifts up the mask to reveal his identity! Well, hell! I feel all better now! Did I mention that Bozo has two friends with him and they are carrying crow bars? He did and they were.

So, the three clown Dumbasses enter the home swipe the Klonopin (I'm tellin' ya, this is some nasty shit!), $5000 worth of watches, and the wallet which contained plastic and cash.

The lady later ID'ed the clown who lifted up his mask and he and his buddies were soon busted by the Boca PD.

Take Aways 
  1. do not answer the door at 3 AM unless the voice on the other side is that of my Mother. I am still shooting first, though. If it really is Mom, I'll apologize for blasting her to Kingdom Come and she'll understand. And maybe even forgive me. I am an only son, after all.
  2. Ditch the Klonopin. I can't even begin to tell you what that stuff can do to a normal human bean.
  3. If you know a guy that dresses up like a clown and shows up at your door at 3 o'clock in the morning with two guys carrying crowbars, it's time to find some new friends.
  4. You deserve whatever Fate deals you if you keep five thousand dollars worth of watches and Klonopin in the same place. 
  5. You are a Dumbass for all the above reasons.
 So, the next time you are at the circus with the kids or grand kids, look at the funny clowns and think of this story, then tell it to the children with you. They'll see Bozo in a whole new light and they will never answer a 3AM knock at the door unarmed.

I promise.

And flush the damned Klonopin for Gawd's sake.

That shit is nasty.


Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Online Dating: Old Man Unwittingly Sets Up Booty Call w/Daughter In Law!

I love the internet.

Without the Ole Triple Dub (that's "www." for you Dumbass Yoopers) I could not write Dumbass News. That means that over 300,000 Dumbasses in 169 countries would have no source for the information that matters.

While the prospect of no more Dumbass News would certainly thrill many Dumbasses on the West Coast and in Fwance, the World at Large is in need of the type of journalistic integrity found only on this very blog. I mean, where would you rather get your Daily Dose of Dumbassery? From propaganda "news" outlets like PMSNBC, CNN, CNBC or here?

I rest my case.

Online Dating

The explosion in the popularity of online dating sites like, and have changed the way that hundreds of millions of people seek love and companionship. Long gone (almost) are the days of actually meeting a man or woman face to face at Church, College or work with the possibility of falling in love and getting married. Meeting someone online has come a long way since the "a/s/l" days of AOL chat rooms.

Now days, online scams matchmaking has become very "scientific". Match, eHarmony and Zoosk go to great lengths to gather information from their clients, in hopes of pairing them up with Mr./Miss Right, with varying degrees of success.

A Lonely (and by "lonely", I mean "horny") Guy in Muling, China was hoping to find a Chinese Slut true love by using the Chinese version of,

After many unsuccessful attempts, The Lonely Chinese Guy finally found a Lonely Young Chinese Lady who tripped his trigger, IYKWIMAITYD.

So, a rendezvous was set up.

Did I mention that The Lonely Young Chinese Lady was also a Married Lonely Young Chinese Lady?

As a matter of fact, unbeknownst to either of them, The Married Lonely Young Chinese Lady was married to The Lonely Chinese Guy's son!
Confucius Say.....

I know that this will be very difficult to believe, but The Lonely Chinese Guy and his would-be conquest used fake photos and names during their online encounters.

This circumstance created a very awkward situation when the Two Lonely Chinese People saw each other in person for the first time. Upon recognizing one another as each other's hook up, The Married Lonely Young Chinese Lady made an abrupt u-turn and began hauling ass.The situation was further exacerbated when she ran head on into -you guessed it(!)- The Lonely Chinese Guy's Son! 

Apparently, The Married Lonely Young Chinese Whore had left the details of her attempted sluttery in an email on her computer and The Lonely Chinese Guy's Son discovered it.

Anyway....The Son beat the shit out of his Dad resulting in severe trauma to Dad's skull, then continued his rampage by assaulting his wife and knocking out some of her teeth!

Virtue is not left to stand alone. He who practices it will have neighbors. - Confucius

He who tries to have Horizontal Kung Fu with son's wife, gets whole caved-in skull. - Fearless Leader


Monday, October 28, 2013

Guy Steals LIVE Lobsters & Stuffs Them Down His Pants to Hide Them!

You know when you're watching TV and a car commercial comes on showing a guy driving like a bat out of hell on a 10 foot wide dirt road on the side of a mountain with a 3000 foot vertical drop where the tiniest of mistake could send him to the Big Stunt Show in the Sky? Some time during the ad a printed disclaimer saying "Do Not Try This at Home" appears onscreen. My first thought is always "No shit Sherlock". Having driven on such roads high in the Rockies, I can assure you that hauling ass on them is not the first thing that pops into my Dumbass mind.

On a similar note, stuffing live lobsters into my pants is not high on my bucket list either.

But, there's a guy in Mississippi who seems to like to do just such a thing.

Nathan Hardy of D'Iberville, Mississippi was doing his Thanksgiving dinner shoplifting early this year at a local Winn Dixie when he did exactly that.

I now live in Maine and it's my personal observation that lobsters have these large things at the end of their front "arms" called claws. It's also true that lobster claws are very powerful. Powerful to the point that they could remove a finger from your hand. This brings to mind the fact that Nathan stuffed these live lobsters in his pants! As a man, one of the last things I want in my pants (near my gazebos) is a live lobster. Keys? Yes. Money. No problemo. Something that could cut off my gazebos like a hot Rachel Ray steak knife through butter? Not so much.

Our Dumbass Friend Nathan went even further in his little shoplifting spree. He also stuffed two bags of shrimp and a pork loin in his waist band! Where he got all that room to stuff a Thanksgiving Feast in his shorts, I don't know, but I can only assume that there must not be much in the way of a package to prevent him from doing so. And that's all I'll say about that. One thing for sure though is that it took a whole lotta Dumbass to to attempt such a stunt.

Furthermore, Nathan tried to outrun the cops with all this food, including the live lobsters, crammed into his frakkin' pants!

What if a trail of food led the police to this dipshit? I can just hear the persuing officer when he discovers the food trail.

Cop: "Hey, McFinkelstein! I have a lead! Look at this..pork loin (a few steps later) live lobster...another live lobster with a pair of gazebos in his claw..."

Upon further investigation, the fuzz find Nathan bleeding from the groin area, gazebo-less.

Another cop observes, "We've got him, Clancy! And be sure to put those gazebos in an evidence bag! His bag is useless."

To summarize, Nathan is not only a thief, but he is a felon too, who somehow escaped this tomfoolery with his gazebos. He won't need them where he's going though. Maybe he should have stuffed the pork loin up his ass as a preview to what's gonna happen once he arrives in prison. A live lobster up his ass would have made his new "friend" quite angry during a moment of prison bitch intimacy.


Sunday, October 27, 2013

Dumbass Newspaper Layouts!

Dumbass Newspaper Headlines have long been a staple of this blog. And by"staple" I naturally mean "I have no idea what to write about, so copy and paste somebody else's stuff". For today I will not only semi-plagiarize make fair use of material found on BuzzFeed, but will use material they lifted from several other sources! Or as I like to call it, "Material Mimicking Monday"!

Today's Dumbass Topic? Dumbass Newspaper Layouts! This fun-filled Dumbassery features newspaper headlines not-so-strategically placed in close proximity to another feature in the newspaper that when viewed collectively create much hilarity.

For example:

When reading the headline and looking at the photo simultaneously, we could get the impression that Prince William beats Kate Middleton. We know that it is highly unlikely that His Majesty stomps a mudhole in his lovely bride. Unless they are playing a nice game of "Naughty Catholic School Girl". This, too is not likely to happen because the Prince is a Protestant and everyone knows that Protestants do not have fun in the boudoir. Hell, Babtists, and Church of Englanders, won't even make love standing up for fear that somebody will accuse them of dancing. I'm just sayin'.

Now that you've got the picture.....

Let the stealing begin!

Look Out, Bonnie and Clyde!

Bon Voyage!

Quick! Everybody to the other side of the ship!
What a phrenzy of photographic phun and phrivolity!

Be sure to click on over to BuzzFeed, they've got at least twenty more screenshots of this bullshit. It's pretty funny stuff.'s one for the road....


***Photos from , , ***

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Confirmed: Cussing Is Good For Your Health! Dammit! Feel Good UPDATE: How to Use the F Word" Chart!

Best of Dumbass News

I found an article that is as near perfect as you can get for Dumbass News. What you are about to read is scientific evidence that being a Dumbass can be a good for your health! I say this with a caveat, however. The study that determined this stuff was done in England. And since England is evolving into a Third World Muslim Hellhole, I have concluded that English scientists are Third World Dumbasses.

Let me splain.

The Splainin'

These guys with nothing better to do than conduct research on the effects of cussing on your health, while their country is going down the loo, have come to a surprising conclusion. Cussing can be good for your health!

You read that right you fuckin' Dumbass. Let go with the ugly words and you will feel better than ever! Well, exactly the truth. The Dumbass English Guys who did this study came to the conclusion that those who cuss "moderately" (whatever the hell "moderately" means) can actually relieve pain! 
that's not

No shit?

These morons did an experiment where 67 other English Dumbasses who put their hand into a bucket filled with ice water and repeated a cuss word over and over can do so for forty seconds longer than those who repeated a non cuss word over and over. BUT! if you cuss more than 60 times a day you won't get any benefit from keeping your hand in ice water for a period of time. What? Here's something straight from the Dumbass English Scientists themselves, "And the study found those who swear as many as 60 times a day receive less pain relief than those who curse a few times a day. People who curse frequently do so without an emotional response, which reduces the pain-relieving effects, the study said." 

Well that certainly clears that up.

My Own Scientific Conclusions

You mean to tell me that if cut off my cussing at 59 times a day I am gonna get some kind of pain relief? And all this time the myriad Doctors I've been seeing for my arthritis and fibromyalgia have been giving me enough bills to choke Roseanne Barr and all they had to do was tell me to cuss 59 times a day? I expected men and women who spent a hundred or more large earning a medical degree to know what they are doing. That theory is shot to hell. I smell a malpractice suit in the air. I'll keep an eye out for Joe Bornstein, the TV lawyer who has his very own "800" number. Joe also handles disability claims, car wrecks and assault with a deadly midget. I know this to be true because the evil insurance companies lawyers always cower and shit their pants when the injured party says that Joe is their attorney. To think, I hired a local lawyer to handle my disability claim when I could have had some guy who the bad guy attorneys fear like Barrack Obama fears capitalism.


  • How could the idiots that performed this study tell what caused the guinea pigs' pain to moderate. 
  • Do they have a Pain-O-Meter or some shit? 
  • Also, how could they conclude that it was because the twits who kept their hand in the ice water longer do so because they were cussing? 
  • I want some fucking answers! 
  • Another thing...why in the name of all that is Holy would these Spitwad-for-Brains Dumbasses want to cuss and keep their hand in a bucket of ice water!? 
  • My last question...who's stoopid enough to carry around a bucket of ice water just in case they have a headache? 
  • Remember too that it's very impolite to cuss in public. 
  • The really smart assholes who participated in this voodoo will put a couple of Guiness Stouts and a waterproof lunch container in bucket of ice water. A couple of Guiness will kill any pain you are experiencing, from a headache all way to a pick axe protruding from your skull. Hand in ice water bucket not needed.

I Want Answers!

I'm sure you'll agree that these are vital inquiries that cry out, nay, demand answers and I will not rest until I find them! I am afraid, however, that we'll discover that the study took place in a methadone clinic. I'm just sayin'.



Thanks to Dumbass Debbi Leahy DeChellis for the "How to Use the F Word" Chart!

***Photo from Kool Czar Blog***

Friday, October 25, 2013

Printer Used for Counterfeiting Returned to WalMart With Fake Money Still In It!

Best of Dumbass News

Knockoff merchandise is big bidness.

What is "knockoff merchandise"? I guess I should splain.

Sometimes I forget that Dumbasses in 169 countries around the world read this shit most edifying of content. So, for all Dumbass News readers in locations whose first language is not English, like Dearborn, Meechigan, (Aloha Snack Bar!) or London, "knockoff merchandise" simply means "cheap fake stuff that looks like the real, more expensive original merchandise". For example, some unscrupulous asshat might be selling a hand bag that resembles the very expensive "Coach" brand bag, but it is inferior in quality and workmanship to the original. Knockoff merchandise also carries a name extremely similar to the real thing. In this case the fake stuff may be labeled "Couch" instead "Coach".

Got it?

Knockoff Cash Flow

Some Dumbasses take the Old Make Fake Shit That Looks Like the Real Thing Trick a step too far. This group of idjits specializes in making counterfeit United States currency. This is not a particularly good idea. This is what is often referred to as a "felony". Uncle Sam is not amused at such antics.

El Fake-o
We have written about this subject at least a couple of times before. Earl Devine of Lafayette, Indiana made some very realistic $100 bills, except for one minor detail. He put the face of Abraham Lincoln on them! Even the most ignant of Dumbasses knows that the face on $100 bills is that of Paul Revere! 

A Dumbass in Gainesville, Florida also thought it was a good idea to manufacture his own money with a cheap ass computer printer. Not so. See: Prison, Federal.

As stoopid as these two jack wagons were, they are a few steps farther up the ole Evolutionary Ladder than Jarad S. Carr of Wisconsin.

The Story of Jarad (and I don't mean the Subway Guy)

Jarad's story isn't really that much different than the two aforementioned Dumbasses, but there is one detail of his saga that sets it apart from all other stories about shit weasels that produce Funny Money.

You see, Jarad also had a cheap ass printer that he used to make phoney money. Problem was that Jarad didn't like the quality of the cash that the printer put out. So, he did what any Dumber Than a Box of Hammers Dumbass would do. He took the printer back to WalMart to exchange it!

This is where the story picks up steam.

Gawker fills us in, Jarad S. Carr was arrested last week after an altercation at a Walmart returns desk when he tried to return his printer—presumably because it was not good at printing money—without a receipt. Had he left it there, things might have been OK, but he pushed the matter...

Points of Order
  • Loudly arguing with a WalMart Customer Service desk person about returning an item you bought from their store is simply stoopid. He/she is the one who actually determines whether or not your item will be exchanged or refunded! 
  • It is an even worse idea to return an item that is not in original condition. And by "original condition" I mean that you left a sheet of counterfeit $100 bills still in the printer tray! 
  • Felony.
  • The Big House beckons.
  • Prison butt sex.
  • Don't drop the soap.

***Photo Heisted from Gawker***

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Callers Complain About Noise in San Fran Marathon; Re-Directed to Phone Sex Line!

I am, in general, a Fairly Early Riser.

Even when I "sleep in", I am usually out of bed between 6:00 AM and 6:30 AM. Considering, however, that I don't go to sleep most nights until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, 6:00 or 6:30 is plenty early for me.

Having said that, I get madder than hell when somebody does something that wakes me up before the appointed time. I'm sure that many of you are the same way. Don't fuck with me until I have both feet on the floor and am headed out my bedroom door.

End. Of. Story.

When I got up this morning (Wednesday), I went outside to have a smoke. As I was putting a nail in my coffin, the school bus that picks up a load of kids about 6:45 AM on school days goes driving by - with music playing over an external loud speaker! 

While this did not wake me up, I was thinking to myself  "What a rude motherfucker!". (I often think in italicised Bold Georgia font) There are plenty of other people in our apartment complex who do not crawl out of bed as early as I do and might have been awakened by this bullshit.

This incident pales in comparison to what happened this past weekend in San Francisco.

Plus porn.

Let me splain.

Nike Marathon

Nike puts on an annual womens marathon in the City By the Bay with lots of money being donated to find a cure for cancer.

This is good.

The start time for the race is 6:30 AM. Sunday morning. 

This is bad - if you live near the marathon starting line.

Various announcement concerning the race are made on a Big Ass Public Address System. A very loud Big Ass Public Address System.

This is very bad - if you live within ear shot of the Very Loud Big Ass Public Address System.

And lots of people in San Francisco live within ear shot of the VLBAPAS.

And many of them were pissed.

Lots of angry residents near the starting line for the Nike Marathon called the City's 3-1-1 number to complain. (Don't ask me! I have no idea what 3-1-1 is for. Other than to bitch about Ear-splitting Noise coming from a Very Loud Big Ass Public Address System.)

Anyway, the people manning the 3-1-1 Bitch Line referred all the Bitchers to (800) RUN - NIKE. There is a problem with this course of action. This is NOT a Nike phone number! It is a PHONE SEX LINE number! Bitchers to this number are greeted with "unzip that fly, baby."

This puts us into an entirely different category of "marathon", IYKWIMAITYD. At $3.99 per minute.

But, I digress.

The Dumbasses at 3-1-1 should have given the Bitchers a different number that, you know, actually puts the Bitchers in contact with Nike! The number that should have been given to the Bitchers is (866) RUN - NIKE. A small but significant difference with the other number.



****Photo from****

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Wedding Cancelled Due to Bomb Threat - From the Groom!

Planning a wedding is a difficult proposition.

You've gotta line up rings, tuxes, a wedding gown, bridesmaids' dresses, a caterer, music, a Priest/Minister and most importantly, booze.

Tradition, as I understand it, has the Bride and her chosen co-conspirators helpers doing the heavy lifting on most of these matters.

Sometimes, the Groom takes responsibility for some of the necessary components of the wedding.

This is a bad idea.

A very bad idea.

How the hell is a Guy supposed to deal with shit like this? I mean, his mind is probably a thousand miles away from actually taking part in something of this nature. A Groom's thoughts meander aimlessly from "It would be a great day to go fishing" to "How the fuck am I gonna sober up in time for...for...what was I supposed to be doing today?"

You can see why assigning Necessary Wedding Tasks to a guy who is about to from a life of drinking beer for breakfast, running around the house in his underwear and scratching his nuts whenever he wants to, to a life of being married and drinking beer for breakfast, running around the house in his underwear and scratching his nuts whenever he wants to, may not be in the best interest of a couple's nuptials going off as planned, no matter how meticulously things have been strategerized for The Big Day.

Explosive Wedding

A Groom-to-be in London had at least one very simple but very important Necessary Wedding Task to perform.

It was his Sole Responsibilty to book the venue for the wedding.

He forgot.

Now, this is not the End of the World or even the End of the Meticulously Planned Prim and Proper English Wedding.

While it was certainly a Major Pain in the Ass and presented a Large Logistical Problem, a solution to this dilemma could have been (relatively) easy to come by.

Except for The Bomb Threat!

Yes, Dumbass Horde, rather than face the consequences of his actions like a man, the Groom called in a bomb threat forty-five minutes before the ceremony!

This was not a wise thing to do.

While the British may be known for keeping a Stiff Upper Lip, they are also known for being extremely fond of protocol and etiquette. And calling in a bomb threat hoax less than hour before your wedding is to take place is, to the British mind, bad form, Old Boy.

A judge in Liverpool agrees. He sentenced the Groom to a year in prison.

At this point of the story you would think that all the weirdness would have been put on full display for all to see, wouldn't you?

You'd be wrong.

After doing his time in the British Big House, other than having a poop chute the size of a silver dollar, the Groom's life won't really be that much different than it was before this incident.

The Bride, you know the one left waiting at the altar when the Groom called in the bomb threat hoax, will be waiting for him upon completion of his prison sentence!

Knock me over with a crumpet.


Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The Joker (Yes, THAT Joker) Gets a DUI!

Sixty-four year old Dennis Lalime of Pittsfield, Maine went to a Halloween party the other night.

Adult beverages were served.

Dennis got hammered.

He then did something not only stoopid, but foolish and potentially deadly.

He got behind the wheel of an automobile.

I think you can figger out where this story is going.


In his state of drunkenness, Dennis crashed his car. Thank God no innocent people were hurt and Good Old Dennis will live to see more days, with at least one of them in a Court of Law and, hopefully, several dozen of them behind bars.

Here's Dennis' mug shot. (I. Am. Not. Making. This. Up.)




Monday, October 21, 2013

Witnesses Happy to Help Clean Up After Truck Full of Pot Wrecks & Loses Cargo!

OK fellow Dumbasses, it's time for another "Dumbass With Marijuana" story. But this story has a Dumbass twist to it. Let me splain.

This particular story takes place in Cal-ee-forn-ya. (Surprise!) San Jose to be exact.

At least one Dumbass was driving a truck near a mall in San Jose when the truck overturned. Three guesses as to what was in the vehicle at the time of the accident and the first two don't count.

My first guess was furniture and stuff because they were moving from one house to another. Wrong. secondly, I was thinking that the truck driver was making a delivery of food to the poor people of San Jose, but that was incorrect as well.

Then, like a bolt of lightning out of nowhere, it struck me! I bet the Dumbass had a truckload of pot. Imagine my surprise that pot was the right answer! I wasn't really surprised because after all we're talking about Cal-ee-forn-ya here.

The twist to this story takes place after the truck crash.

This is when witnesses to the accident started picking up large bags of marijuana and running away with them! What fun!

And what Dumbasses!

As a matter of fact, the marijuana thieves committed at least two felonies within the matter of a few seconds - possession of a controlled substance and eluding police.

It's not a good idea to steal pot right in front of the local constabulary. Why? Because the cops witnessed some of these idiots absconding with the weed! There is, however, more compelling reason not to steal drugs when Law Enforcement Personnel are present: the Police have video cameras in their squad cars!

Smile, Dumbasses! You're on Dashboard Camera!

Anyway, the police are on the lookout for the driver of the truck and the Dumbasses that stole the contraband. My suggestion to the San Jose PD is to look in all McDonalds in the area. Anybody smoking a large bag full of marijuana is bound to be hungry.

Not that I would personally know about such things.


P.S. You can find other dumbass marijuana stories hereherehere and here.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

O Canada! Kids Burn Down RCMP Station to See Friend in Jail!

Best of Dumbass News


I have four of them. Two grown sons, 34 and 31 and two little girls, 10 and 6.

I know, I know. What can I say? Your Fearless Leader is a man among men. A titan among midgets. A Dumbass among Intellectuals. Or something.

My point is that being the Father of such a polar opposite passel of kids has, shall we say, enlightened me in not only the differences between boys and girls (besides their plumbing), but the differences in two completely different generations of children - all of them my own!

I am 56 years old. Most kids the ages of my daughters have parents about 30 years old or so. When it comes to Parental Experience, I am not only ahead of the curve in some ways, but I am way behind it in others.

Without going into a bunch of psychobabble bullshit, let's just say that each generation of my kids has presented its own unique set of challenges.

Challenges not unlike the ones offered up by the two Canadian teens in today's story.


One of the best things about childhood is forming bonds with your friends. Being there when your friend needs you and vice versa. You know what I mean, unbreakable ties that last a lifetime. Or in this case, bonds that last as long as the kids are in Juvenile Detention together.

True friendship.

Let me splain.

Sparking Up a Friendship (and an RCMP Station)

There were once three friends in a small Canadian town located somewhere near the North Pole. Actually, the town, St, Theresa Point, Manitoba, is about 460 kilometers (that's approximately 285 miles for our non-Canuckistani readers) northeast of Winnipeg.

These three lads were members of a Social Club, and by "Social Club", I of course mean "gang", called "Bad Ass Sundays". Once a week, the constituents of this Gathering of the Future Inmates of the Canadian Penal System plot out various and sundry ways to commit acts of destruction throughout the Land.

As a matter of fact, one of these little rascals was already in custody for setting fire to an igloo or some shit like that. This left his two fellow thugs quite lonely for his companionship. So the two forlorn young fellows decided to go pay the poor boy a visit at the facility where he is locked up.
Not Dudley Doright

Now, most enterprising teenagers would mow yards, shovel snow, throw newspapers or some such thing to earn enough money to make the trip to Winnipeg to visit their friend. Not these two boys though!

They figured out a way to get FREE transportation to Winnipeg! Without working!

They set fire to a Royal Canadian Mounted Police station! Holy Dudley Doright!

What initiative! What originality! What a couple of stoopid young fuckers!

Crown Attorney Courtney St. Croix posed this thought, "If they are willing to burn down an RCMP detachment to come hang out with their friend, I'm concerned about what else they'll be willing to do to bring themselves back to jail".

It just so happens that I have extensive experience in the field of Being a Dumb Fuck Young Man and Doing Stoopid Shit (Without Burning Down an RCMP Detachment).

This knowledge, I believe, leaves me uniquely qualified to offer alternative methods of achieving the stated goal like visiting a fellow punk in prison.

  • Get a damn job! 
  • I'm positive there must be a McMoose Burger Joint somewhere in St. Theresa Point. Learn to say "super size" in English and French and soon the "loonies" (Canadian dollar coins) will start rolling in.
  • Start up a "Moose Food" stand. This is akin to a "Horse Food" stand in my Native Texas. Like all Texans are cowboys and own horses, all Canadians are Eskimos and own moose.
  • Except the French Canadians.
  • Steal hubcaps. There's big money in hub caps.
  • Sell pot. 
  • Canada is home to some killer weed.
  • So I am told.
  • By a friend.

***Thanks to the Sun News***

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Flaming Snake = Two Houses on Fire!

Best of Dumbass News

Note to New Dumbasses: There's not much we won't cover here at Dumbass News. Dumbasses of any shape, size, color, nationality, sexual persuasion or gender will be vilified to the High Heavens, provided of course that vilification is necessary to the plot.

The only off limits topics will be the Dumbassification of my Mother, the Pope and My Favorite Protestant, the Reverend Billy Graham.

Your mother? Fair game. The Dolly Llama? In the Dumbass Cross Hairs. The "Reverends" Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton? Screw 'em.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way...

Hot Stuff

Today's story has a familiar ring to it - Dumbasses and fire.

We have, on several occasions, brought to your attention incidents where the interaction of Dumbasses with open flames have been met with, shall we say, unpleasantness. No, we shall not. We shall say "disaster".

Remember the guy who set a parade float aflame?

How about the couple that went ape shit and attacked a car with a flaming tampon!

Then there's the one where the guy was trying to get rid of a nest of spiders with a blowtorch! He got rid of the spiders alright. He also got rid of his house. This story is a perfect segue into the Dumbassery that lies ahead....

The Snake and the Dumbass

A Lady Dumbass down in Liberty Eylau, Texas was doing a little spring cleaning around her property when she made a startling discovery - a snake! Running across a snake while living in rural Texas happens all the time. What makes this story so unusual is how the Lady Dumbass reacted to the situation.

When all the sudden coming face to face with a snake, most Texans I know would do one of two things:
  1. Grab a shovel, garden hoe or some other equally lethal farming implement, and beat the scaly serpent repeatedly until he was graveyard dead.
  2. The more commonly used method in dealing with a venomous viper is utilize something along the lines of a 12 gauge shotgun and blast that motherfucker to smithereens.
Then there's the Dumbass Way.

Gasoline and a match.

Yes, the Lady Dumbass went Full Tilt Boogie Dumb Fuck and poured 87 octane gasoline on the snake and then pitched a match on it. While this would ordinarily be a very effective, if not stoopid, method of sending an unwanted snake to his Maker,  a snake that has been turned into a writhing mass of flame tends to be what many would say is "unpredictable". Many would be correct.

This particular Snake Flambe headed straight for some underbrush.

The Scientific Method clearly states that "a snake that has been set afire by a Lady Dumbass will, proportional to the level of pain while burning like a marshmallow over a camp fire, seek refuge in the nearest pile of dry kindling". This is what is known as "starting a brush fire". And a house fire. Make that two house fires. A neighboring home was also damaged in the conflagration.

Liberty Eylau Fire Chief David Wesslehoft said (I swear in the Name of All That is Holy I ain't makin' this up) that "it's not unusual for burning animals to start a fire."

I have nothing further to add.



Friday, October 18, 2013

Climate Change Causes Mental Illness!

What catastrophe is Climate Change (CC), Global Warming (GW), whatever it's called this week, not responsible for?

Today alone, I have read that GW is this generation's racism according to Algore and is responsible for brush fires, the obliteration of polar bears due to the melting of the Polar Ice Cap, in spite of the fact that there are now more polar bears today than in any other time in modern history and the Polar Ice Cap is growing, not melting!

The BIG news today is that CC (Climate Change) is causing mental illness among hundreds of millions of Earthlings. We're all going to be psychos !!!!!eleventy111!!!

Now, as someone who has a couple of forms of mental health issues, I can assure you, at least from my own point of view, that GW, nor any other form of weather/climate change, has made one iota of difference in the severity (good or bad) of my mental health. I have had these conditions for most of my life. Not even the "climate scare" of the 1970's (the coming of the New Ice Age) according to Time Magazine, June 24, 1974, nor the coming (already here?) incineration of the Earth due to GW has caused me to eat children or hate minorities. For you "normal" people out there, you are the ones who will join me in the Fruit Loops Club as Mental Defectives. How can I claim such a thing? It's on the internet so it must be true! Don't believe me? This article in the Sydney (Australia) Morning Herald backs me up...even though I know it's a bunch of Commie Weenie/EnviroNazi Fear Mongering BS. It's a short column, so take a few seconds to peruse it.

If you've read this blog for any period of time, you know that I am just being a Dumbass. Man-caused CC is a bunch of bullshit. It's a scheme for our "betters" like Algore to make millions of dollars by scaring the hell out of a bunch of Real Dumbasses, not the "Good" Dumbasses like you and me. Fear mongering and scare tactics are the modus operandi of dipshits like Algore.

Think about this: Algore flies all over the world in a private jet spewing tons of CO2 and other pollutants into the atmosphere with each trip he takes. He has a mansion in Tennessee that uses as much energy as 100's of normal homes! Al the Dickweed spits forth the fact that sea levels are rising at an alarming rate, but guess what? He bought a multi-million dollar pad on the beach in California! Is Algore stoopid enough to buy such a home if the sea levels are truly rising so rapidly? He's an asshole, scam artist and a hypocrite but he ain't stoopid. He thinks you are stoopid. And he got rich off a shitload of stoopid fucks pandering his Climate Change crap.

Having said all that, there must be some truth to the CC causes mental illness. Just look at how wealthy the pea brains who believe in this fantasy made Algore and his ilk. They must be completely insane to fall for such a fucking hoax.


Thursday, October 17, 2013

Dumbass Restaurant Signs!

I am a White Guy.

I am also (mostly) bi-lingual.

I was born and raised in Texas, so Spanish is my "second language". I don't speak it like a Native Spanish/Meskin Guy, but I do pretty good - for a Gringo that is. By the way, I can also read and write Espanol and can mostly keep up with what's going on with TV shows on Univision and Telemundo. "El Chapulin Colorado" and "Llevatelo" were my favorite Meskin TV Shows.

Reading very simple Eye-talian and French are a part of my Furn Lingo Repe-twawr as well.

I am a Worldly Fearless Leader, to say the least.

Having said all that, I can say with a degree of certainty that foreign languages do not always translate well to English.

While today's Adventure in Dumbass Land does not involve any Meskin Lingo, the principle remains the same - translation ain't easy.

Especially when the translation involves going from some Oriental (mostly Chinese) idiom to American English.

The following restaurant signs make the point for me.

Ho Lee Phuk Signs

Thank God my cat is laying right next to me as I type this.

Is this the same restaurant?

Fu King "A"!

Yeah! Fook Hing all to hell!

No, fook you!


Shitty food?

Buddah Buffet?

Sounds painful to me.

Saving the best for last......

I got nuthin.

Dumbasses. (蠢驴.)

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Feline Felony: Cat Box Chaos!

Earlier this year my family and I adopted a cat from the local Humane Society through Petsmart.

Her name is Lou Lou.
Lou Lou

On October 11 Lou Lou celebrated her 3rd birthday. We know that October 11 is her birthday because it was written on the little info card attached to her cage at Petsmart. And my ten year old daughter said so. Thus, it is.

Before we went out and brought Lou Lou into our family, I told the aforementioned ten year old and her six year old sister that taking care of a cat ain't easy. I explained to them that there are certain responsibilities that come with pet ownership - feeding her, making sure her water thing is full (and clean), brushing her, etc. And by "etc." I mean "Cat Box Turd Removal Duty".

I told The Girls that if we got a cat that it would be their job to do all the feeding, watering, brushing and Cat Box Turd Removal Duty. "OK, Daddy!", they gleefully (and loudly) agreed. I was so proud of them.

For about three days. 

Long story short, after about three days of diligently doing Lou Lou-related chores.....

I think you get where I am going with this.

Speaking of cats....

75 Miles Northeast of the Dumbass Dome

Up in Bangor, a Cat Owner Lady Without a Telephone went to her neighbor's apartment to (ta da!) ask to use the the telephone!

The Neighbor With the Telephone had a visitor who was less than receptive to the idea that The Cat Owner Lady Without a Telephone had knocked on the door asking to (ta da!) use the telephone. The Visitor began to scream at The Cat Owner Lady Without a Telephone that "the whole building reeks of a foul aroma because you are somewhat lax in performing your duly appointed Cat Box Turd Removal Duty." OK, he actually said "this building smells like sweaty swamp donkey ass because you won't clean the cat shit out of the litter box, you skanky bitch!" Or something very similar.

The Visitor then proceeded to shove The Cat Owner Lady Without a Telephone to the ground and smack her around.

Now, I am against smacking around Cat Owner Ladies Without Telephones unless it is necessary to the plot. In this case, it was clearly not necessary to the plot. 

The ensuing Police Report says that The Visitor was "visibly intoxicated". 

You don't say!

The Visitor is now a guest of the Penobscot County Crossbar Hilton.

He has been assigned Single Visible Cold Steel Toilet in An 8 x 8 Cell Prisoner Turd Removal Duty.

Don't Drop the Soap Duty is optional.


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

"Gettin' Some" While Driving Drunk!

Best of Dumbass News


Fire Water.

The Devil's Brew.

Whatever you choose to call it, alcohol, when consumed in adequate quantities, causes people to do some stoopid shit. I should know. I am a Former Professional Drinker. And after gettin' likkered up I did some real stoopid shit.

I am not here to regale you with Tales of a Drunken Fearless Leader, although some of the stories I could tell you would make your toe nails curl and your head explode. I am here, however, as a Dumbass News Public Service, to pass along some stoopid shit that other Drunk Dumbasses have done.

If you were to go to the Dumbass News Search Box near the top of the right hand side bar and type in "DUI", you'd come up with some epic sagas of Drunken Dumbassery.

For Example
  • Cody Ray Gibbs of Atlanta had already been convicted of one DUI when he decided to go get drunk with his buddies. He got drunk all right and decided that it was time to go home. On the bull dozer he drove to the bar!
  • A Kiwi Dumbass (that's a Dumbass from New Zealand for the Yoopers in the audience) tried to drive home after a night of blowin' the froth off a few with a Young Kiwi Lass when he got popped for DUI. After he crashed his car into her living room! Dumbass Spoiler Alert: he blew three times the legal DUI limit and also pissed on some Breath-a-lyzers at the Police Station!
  • One Drunk Dumbass knew he was in trouble for DUI when he was stopped at a Police DUI Check Point. So what does he do before he gets to the front of the DUI Check Point line? Cracks open a cold one and waits his turn to be carted off to jail!
You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet

While the stories listed above are some very fine examples of Dumbass Drunk Driving, they fail miserably in comparison to level of Dumbass Drunk Driving Drama in today's potboiler.

An Albuquerque man faces multiple charges after police said he was engaging in sex with a woman while drunken driving, and then crashed his vehicle.
Drunk Dick
Police said they found Luis Briones, 25, wearing one shoe and inside-out shorts Monday night after he crashed his vehicle. His unidentified female passenger was found naked outside the vehicle after being ejected, and was hospitalized for deep cuts to her face and head, The Albuquerque Journal reported Wednesday.
Police said Briones ran a red light and struck a car.
The criminal complaint mentions "Mr. Briones was observed to be having sexual intercourse with the passenger, and sped off ... at a high rate of speed."
Witnesses told police Briones was drunk at the scene, and officers found a partially full vodka bottle in the vehicle, the newspaper said. He faces charges including aggravated DWI, reckless driving and evading police.
What else can I say?

Monday, October 14, 2013

Guy Robs Bank w/Fake Gun, Gets Shot By REAL Gun!

Best of Dumbass News

The 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States reads thusly: "a well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed". 

A bank employee in Trimble, Missouri recently exercised his 2nd Amendment rights when some Dumbass tried to rob the First Security Bank.

The Thinker

Michael Oliva is one of those Dumbasses who on occasion comes up with a brilliant idea. And by "brilliant" I of course mean "stoopid as fuck".

Michael was sittin' around one day sparkin' up the ol' crack pipe, throwin' back some foaties (that's "forties" as in 40oz beer for all you Old White Guys out there) and singin' Kanye West songs, hereafter referred to as "shit", trying to think of something to do. All of the sudden Michael came up with a brilliant ("stoopid as fuck") idea. Michael exclaimed, "El Frito Bandito es pendejo!" which is Meskin lingo for, "Hey! I have a stoopid as fuck idea! I'm gonna go rob a bank with a realistic looking but fake hand gun!".

So he set out on his felonious feat.

Penalty for Early Withdrawal

At 1:25 PM one recent Friday afternoon, Michael Oliva arrived at First Security Bank, 202 US Highway 169 in Trimble, MO. Michael had his Fake But Realistic Looking Hand Gun at the ready. What could possibly go wrong?

I'm glad you asked that question.

So Michael pulls a black ski mask over his head and makes his entry into the bank. He goes up to one of the bank tellers and demands the money in her cash drawer. At this point, a bunch of noisy shit and commotion goes on catching the attention of another bank employee in an office near the teller area.

Remember up there ^^^ when you asked "what could possibly go wrong?"

This is What Could Possibly Go Wrong

The Bank Guy who came running to the front of the bank from an office? He confronted Michael and his Fake But Looks Like a Real Gun Gun face to face. Did I mention that the Bank Guy has a concealed carry permit for a REAL gun? He does.
Very Real

Anyway, here's the Bank Guy with a .357 staring straight into the eyes of Michael Oliva who is in possession     of a Realistic Looking But FAKE Gun. It is at this point that the Bank Guy aims his very real .357 at Michael and blasts him in the face with a very real .357 bullet.

Somehow, by the Grace of God I suppose, Michael is not graveyard dead and manages to escape with a gun shot wound to the jaw.

Long story short....Michael gets away and then leads the cops on a high speed car chase before finally being apprehended. Upon being nabbed by The Fuzz, Michael was heard to say, "Hace mucho calor" which translates to: "Boy was that a stoopid as fuck idea".

Ay! Ay! Ay! Canta y no llores! Translation:


Sunday, October 13, 2013

Unfriendly Fire: Facebook Rebuke Leads to Arson!

Best of Dumbass News

Friends. What would we do without them?

We've all had a friend who was more like a brother or sister than just a friend. He (or she) was the person you went to when your girlfriend broke up with you. Or when the death of a loved one changed life as you knew it. Or just to get hammered. Tommy Thompson was that friend to me. Always there when I needed a brother. Always there when a family tragedy struck. And damn sure always there when I was ready to make Adolph Coors Company, Golden, Colorado a lot richer. Then the fucker up and died on me. I'm still pissed at him. No matter though, Tommy is always with me in Spirit when I'm doing something stupid or that family thing happens. He'd probably kick my ass if he knew I quit drinking. Now that's a friend for ya!

Besides missing my Best Friend Ever, I told that little story about Tommy for a reason. The reason? Dumbasses have friends, too. Like these two dumbass bitches in Iowa of all places.


I have been to Iowa. it's a nice place. Middle America, corn, dumbasses....

Jennifer Harris had a friend named Nikki. They were friends in real life and friends on Facebook. Then tragedy struck. Tragedy beyond your wildest dreams.

Worse even than a death in the family.

Nikki unfriended Jennifer on Facebook! Horror of horrors!

This comes from the Des Moines Register, "According to Detective Jack Kamerick, the dispute had much to do with a Facebook event the former-best friends were planning.  “Jen asked Nikki to create an event on Facebook for a party. Nikki did that,” Kamerick told the Register. “As the date for the party approached there were a lot of ‘declines,’ on Facebook."

In Des Moines, which is French for "my ass burns like the surface of the sun", when you unfriend someone on Facebook, you had just as soon call the Pope a Jehova's Witness. It's serious bidness. Having been unfriended, Jennie became distraught. Very distraught. She was so distraught in fact, that she did the only thing she could do. Unfriend Nikki? Hell no. Nothing that serious. Jennifer promptly marched her unfriended ass to Nikki's house and proceeded to set it on fire!

Most of would think that setting your former best friend's house on fire because you were unfriended on Facebook is a little on the extreme side. But this is Des Moines, Iowa we're talking about here. What do you expect the people there to do? Build a Field of Dreams?


Hat tip to Heather the Dumbass Wife, But Great Cook.  :)

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Lady Needs I D to Order Beer; Presents Stolen I D; To Waitress She Stole It From!

Best of Dumbass News

Our story today involves I D theft.

This is a first for Dumbass News.

In the past I have written about this stoopid bitch that was cashing Social Security checks - that were written to her DEAD boyfriend! There was also the time that we discovered that credit card theft is a gateway to becoming a smoker.

While cashing gubmint checks made out to your dead boyfriend and credit card theft are fine felonies indeed, they don't compare to the Dumbassery we will learn about today.

May I See Your ID, Please?

Brianna Priddy is a waitress at the Applebee's in the Denver suburb of Lakewood, Colorado. A couple of weeks ago, Brianna's wallet was stolen from her. In the meantime, somebody was going around the Greater Denver area cashing hundreds of dollars of bad checks using Brianna's stolen ID. This is important to remember.

One day Brianna was at work serving some delicious Applebee's menu fare to the upstanding citizens of the Metro Denver area when a young lady came into the restaurant and was seated in Brianna's section. The young lady, whom we'll call Clarice, then ordered an adult libation. Brianna wasn't sure that Clarice was of legal drinking age, so like the Law and Applebee's company policy dictate, Brianna asked Clarice for some form of identification to verify that Clarice was indeed of the age of majority. Clarice happily complied and presented a drivers license to the waitress.

The ID that Clarice showed the server was Brianna's stolen drivers license! This is what is commonly referred to as "Karma" or as I like to call it, "a swift kick in the nuts".

Do Not Pass "Go"

One can only imagine what Brianna was thinking. But, she kept her cool and calmly took Clarice's drink order then proceeded to call the local constabulary post haste.

Clarice was taken into police custody and charged with a bunch of shit that will keep her behind bars for a few years, where her I D will consist of a string of numbers on a striped jumpsuit.


Friday, October 11, 2013

Wanna Get Away From Your Wife? Fake Your Own Kidnapping!

I am a married Fearless Leader.

From experience I know that marriage can be turbulent at times.

I mean, sometimes a guy just needs to get away from it all for a little while. I'm not talking about The Big D and I Don't Mean Dallas here, I mean that sometimes a man simply needs to go fishin' or on a motor sicle ride or fake his own at-gunpoint kidnapping.....

Rogelio Andaverde of Hidalgo County, Texas was at the point where getting away from his wife for a while was at Crisis Level. And of course by "Crisis Level", I mean he did something stoopid. 

And illegal.

As Senor Andaverde sat at home with his wife last Tuesday night the unthinkable happened! Two masked bandidos brandishing  pistolas busted down Rogelio's door and, horror of horrors, right in front of a terrified Mrs. Rogelio, whisked him away!

Senora Rogelio called the policia and frantically explained to them what had just happened. (Note: there is no word on whether she had to "marque dos para Espanol"). 

Let me tell you that the Sheriff's Department of Hidalgo County, Texas takes armed men busting into someone's home and taking another human bean against his will very seriously. Tweleve Sheriff Guys and a Cop Chopper immediately set out looking for Rogelio, hoping to safely free him from his captors.

After several hours and no Rogelio, the Sheriff Guys called it a night and decided to call off the search.

Two Days Later 

A couple of days later, Rogelio miraculously returned home unharmed, saying that his abductors had shown him mercy and released him safe and sound. 

His wife was thanking God that her beloved husband was back home none the worse for wear.

The Hidalgo County Sheriff's Department was suspicious.

And with good reason.

Upon further review and investigation, Andaverde admitted that the whole ordeal was a hoax! 

I know that many of you are now asking yourselves, "Why in the name of South Texas would Rogelio concoct such an elaborate story and stage a phony kidnapping that would leave his poor wife traumatized to Hell and back AND lead a dozen officers of the Law and a police helicopter on a wild burro chase?"


Because he wanted to party with his amigos! 

I think that staging one's own abduction at the hands of gun-wielding maniacs in order to party with one's buddies is a perfectly legitimate reason for escaping the throes of marriage - if done in moderation, of course.

You married Dumbasses will understand this.

You Unmarried Guys won't.


***Hat Tip to Dumbass Matt Vaughn***

Thursday, October 10, 2013

I Love You So Much I'll Bury a Butcher Knife In Your Back!

I have a story today that is aimed squarely at you poor married schmucks.

Pay close attention, you'll be quizzed on this later.

Gentlemen, when you ask a lovely person of the female persuasion to be your bride, you are asking her to be your partner until death you do part. She is is to be treated with the dignity and respect due a woman who will one day bear your children. She is to be cherished for being the invaluable treasure she is.

In short, don't piss her off!

When sufficiently provoked, the pookie bear of your life turns into she devil with felonious intentions. Consider yourself lucky if your beloved requires an ample amount of you giving her shit before she finds her chicken cuttin' scissors and applies them to your gazebos. SNIP SNIP

A guy just up I-95 in Bangor didn't even have to make his Dumbass Wife mad before she slammed a kitchen knife into the dude's back! When the cops asked her why she did that she replied (take note of this, guys) "because he drives me nuts!" Well that settles that. Hell, if my wife stabbed me every time I made her mad, I'd look like sandwich cut roast beef from the supermarket deli. I have over time, learned to say "yes ma'am" when she gets that Texas Chainsaw Massacre look in her eyes and she hasn't made fajita meat out of me in over 3 weeks!

But, I digress.

Meanwhile back in Bangor...the crazy bitch stabbed her old man for no damn good reason (Note: I am all for stabbing someone when it is necessary to the plot) and she was promptly arrested and charged with all kinds of good stuff, including assault with a dangerous weapon.

Now get this. The Dumbass Lunatic Broad was released from jail after posting a cash bond. Fair enough. A cash bond of $1500!!! Are you fucking kidding me? Fifteen hundred dollars? For stabbing a guy in the back??!! What kind of Dumbass Judge would pull such a stunt? Damn! Oh, well, this is Bangor we're talking about here. Nice town, but a weenie paradise, or so I'm told.

Two things I do know about Little Boston Bangor:
  1. Some dickweed judge needs lessons in bail-setting.
  2. There's a crazy bitch out of jail on bond that should not be allowed to touch any kitchen utensils but spoons.

(Hat tip: Bangor Daily News)

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Drunk Guy Passes Out In Port-O-Potty!

In late September, 2011, I wrote about a guy who got his jollies by diving for doo doo. At the time, I was certain that we would not encounter another story having to do with port-a-potties for quite a while. What the hell was I thinking?

Along comes this Dumbass in New Jersey to prove me wrong.
Hobo Hotel

Here's the Poop

Unlike the doo doo diver guy who was sober as a judge, this time our Dumbass was lit like the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. From what I can gather, the 61 year old guy in today's story was simply using the port-a-potty to take a leak and somehow got locked in the toilet. He said he tried banging on the john's door and screaming real loud, but there was no response to his plea for help. So, like any drunk worth his weight in Budweiser, the idiot went to sleep in the port-a-potty. How a guy could sleep in a portable can is beyond me, but this guy must have been really plastered.

When he woke up he again began to make a lot of noise, which is what all New Jersey drunks do after they spend the night in a port-o-let. After all, the liquor stores open at 9 AM and this Dumbass was thirsty for breakfast... and in a large hurry. As a former Professional Drinker, I can relate to his wanting to get to the beer store, but I fail to muster up any sympathy for doing something as stoopid as passing out in a portable john, when I'm sure there are plenty of perfectly good bridges nearby that would make swell places to sleep...if you're a drunk Dumbass.

Even though he was late getting to the beer store, our Dumbass, whose name was not released (no shit?), was finally freed  from his Port-a-Prison, then taken to a local hospital where he was deemed OK to return to being a Dumbass Wino. A spokesdumbass for the township told the press, "No one has ever heard of anything like this happening here." Who the hell does he think he's fooling with that bullshit? This New Jersey for God's sake and you guys call incidents like this one, "Friday Night"!

This story does have a valuable lesson for us all. Let's hear it straight from the mouth of police Lt. Christopher Brignola, "We are instructing our employees that from now on they are supposed to open the door and look inside before padlocking it."

Be sure to knock first.

You never know when you'll intrude on a sleeping Dumbass in a portable toilet.

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