Google+ swCj71E42RfqfgWx3JOogUovB8w Dumbass News: Scientists Discover Earth's Oldest Living Thing! Promptly Kill It! : o77OwPu8GHYudT_bxY1ohX-tzdw

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Scientists Discover Earth's Oldest Living Thing! Promptly Kill It!

You Dumbasses know me.

I am a Science Guy - a Guy Who Likes Science.

I am not a Scientist.

Unless you count the Science of Walking Around in a Drunken Stupor. I am a Former Professional Drinker, so I know of which I speak.

I am fascinated by people who study the mysteries of the Earth and the Universe. They have some of the coolest jobs in the world. Many Scientists travel the planet seeking answers to The Unknown and discovering Neat Shit about our Big Blue Marble.

On the other hand, some Scientists are Dumbasses.

Like "Climate Change Scientists".

I say this not because I think Climate Change (Globull Warming or whatever) is a bunch of bullshit, which I do, I say this because it's The Truth.

Oldest Living Creature on Earth

Several years ago, 2006 to be exact, a group of "Climate Change Experts" from Bangor University (that would be BU in north Wales, not BU in Bangor, Maine) were doing some Climate Change Expert Shit o the seabeds off Iceland when they found a clam.

A very old clam.

By counting the rings inside the clam's shell (like counting the rings on a tree to figger out how old it is), the Climate Change Experts determined that said clam was 405 years old!

These guys had discovered The Oldest Known Living Thing On Earth! 

This was maybe the Most Important Scientific Discovery of their careers! That is, other than the discovery of how to manipulate data to fit their agenda "proving" that man-made "Climate Change" is real.

These "Climate Change Experts" may be "experts" on Climate Change, but they are Total Dumb Fucks when it comes to clams.

You see, when the Total Dumb Fucks on Clams opened this four hundred five year old clam, something unexpected happened.

IT DIED!

On the spot.

Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 clams.

It was later found out the Climate Change Clam was over five centuries old! That's over 500 years, folks.

One of the Climate Change Experts, Paul Butler said, "We got it wrong the first time and maybe we were a bit hasty publishing our findings back then."

Ya think?!

I am sure that this is of great comfort to the Dead 507 Year Old Clam. 

One good thing did come from this misadventure, however.

The 507 Year Old Clam gave his life for Science.

And he didn't die waiting to sign up for ObamaCare.

Dumbasses.

5 comments:

  1. The picture of the clam is really cute! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. ...
    I don't really know what to say...
    They were so busy disturbing a climate they had no business being in, trying to prove that humans are messing up the world, that they ended up accidentally killing off something that was 500 years old... and who knows how much longer it would have lived, if they had just left it alone!
    There's a lesson in there somewhere...
    If I wasn't such a dumbass maybe I could figure it out...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lesson: 500 Year Old clams cause Climate Change. Or die trying.

      Delete
  3. Did they serve it with 500 year old cocktail sauce?

    ReplyDelete

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