More "You Big Dummy" Awards! Dumbass News Felon of the Year!

Before I get down to the Bidness of Dumbassery, I'd like to thank my long time friend from Wis-caaahhhn-sin and Fellow Green Bay Packers fan Kevin for his extraordinary effort in designing the brand-spankin' new Official "You Big Dummy" Award!

Kev donated a not insignificant amount of time and effort in doing me a solid by coming up with the perfect "trophy" for the winners of the various categories of the Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards. 

So, without further ado, I present to you a True Dumbass Work of Art by Kevin in Wis-caaahhhn-sin....

Ladies and Gentlemen....The Dummy...

One more thing....in case you missed the presentation of the first Dummy of 2013 yesterday, the Big Announcement of the contenders and the winner of The Flaming Dumbass Award for 2013 can be found here.

And now....the Continuation of The 2013 Dummies....

Over the last almost three and a half years, Dumbass News has shared with The World some of the Finest Dumbass Criminals in the History of Mankind.

And by "finest" I naturally mean "Most Ignant Sumbitches to Ever Take a Breath".

As a result of this overabundance of Stoopid Fuckers, 2013 has proved to be the Best Year Yet in the Annals of the Most Ignant Sumbitches to Ever Take a Breath.

Nominees for the MISTETAB Dumbass News Felon of the Year Award

• Lady Tries to Murder Her Husband by Poisoning Her Vajayjay! - Gettin' dead by gettin'some. Whatever happened to Good Old Fashion Homicide By 12 Gauge?
• Dumbass Uses Baseball Bat to Rob Gun Store! - 32 Ounce Louisville Slugger versus .45 Caliber Smith & Wesson. Guess which one wins.
• Family Burglarizes Church, Sells Stolen Loot at Yard Sale! - The Almighty ain't happy about this. Horny prison inmates, on the other hand, are ecstatic.
• Look! Mom's On TV & She's Robbing a Bank! - Penalty for early withdrawal, Member F.D.I.C. (and the "D" stands for Dumbass)

This was a Tough Choice.

But after much deliberation (and a rousing session of Eeny Meeny Miney Moe), the winner of the Most Ignant Sumbitch to Ever Take a Breath Dumbass News Felon of the Year Award is...

Poison Pussy Lady!!!

Any woman that would willingly put a toxic substance in her nether regions for the express purpose of killing another human bean is definitely one of the Most Ignant Sumbitches to Ever Take a Breath!

Look for Poison Pussy Lady's first feature film, Escape From Caged Heat: The Concealed Chisel in My Cooch, coming soon to a Drive In Movie in a trailer park near you!

Dumbass.

The Dummies: The Flaming Dumbass Award for 2013!

     

Welcome, Dumbasses, to the first installment of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards!

Over the course of the next few days we'll reveal to you the nominees and winners in several categories of Dumbassery from the last twelve months, culminating in the announcement of the recipient of The Big One, the 2013 Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award! 

The Dummy

Dumbass News has picked up over 200,000 (that's two hundred thousand) new members of the Dumbass Horde during 2013 proving that:

• a) 200,000 New Dumbasses have way too much time on their hands
• b) 200,000 New Dumbasses with way too much time on their hands means that the unemployment rate in the 172 countries in which these Dumbasses reside is unacceptably high
• c) I question the mental health of 200,000 New Dumbasses 
• d) There's a Dumbass born every minute
• e) It's good to be a Fearless Leader 
  

Ghosts of Dummies Past

As a Fearless Leader Public Service to our New Dumbasses, here's a look back at previous nominees and winners of The Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award:

• 2010 - Lady attacks cops with dildo!
• 2011 - Guy stranded on island with working cell phone doesn't call for help for five days!
• 2012 - White guy with white wife goes away to war, comes back a year later to a less than a year old BLACK baby! White wife claims she was impregnated by black guy in very realistic porn movie! 

On With the Show!

The first category of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards is The Flaming Dumbass Award!

As you probably have discerned from the name of this particular Dummy, the award has something to do with the use or misuse of fire.

Since we are talking about Dumbasses here, I lean heavily to the misuse of fire as a prerequisite for nomination to the The Flaming Dumbass Award.

The nominees are...

1. The Snake and Two Houses Afire! - Lady sees snake. Lady shits pants. Lady grabs gasoline and match, douses snake with 87 Octane, ignites accelerant with match thus setting serpent aflame. Snake runs amok like a Yankee at a Sons of the Cofederacy meeting in Alabama. Snake and two houses are incinerated.
2. Finding a Natural Gas Leak With a Bic Lighter (w/Splodey Dope Video!) - Meth. Flammable fumes. Bic lighter. Dumbasses. BOOM!
3. O Canada! Teens Burn Down RCMP Station to Visit Friend in Jail! - Hosers, eh?
4. Penis Stuck in Toaster! While technically this story has nothing to do with fire itself, it does feature fire fighters. And a guy with his dick stuck in a toaster!

While any of these four stories would be a worthy recipient of the 2013 Flaming Dumbass Award, nothing, and I mean nothing says "Dumbass" like...

....Finding a Natural Gas Leak With a Bic Lighter!

This is one of the more well-deserved Dummies ever presented in the entire (almost) 1200 post history of Dumbass News.

It gives me hope that maybe some day I'll be writing the story of a methed-up flaming snake using a Bic lighter to search for a natural gas leak Royal Canadian Mounted Police Outpost while his snake penis is stuck in a toaster.

Ya never know.

A Fearless Leader can dream, can't he?

Dumbasses.

Kid Gets Kicked Out of School; Mom Goes to School to Beat His Ass; Slaps Piss Outta Wrong Kid!

Best of Dumbass News

Have you ever come across twins or triplets so identical you wonder how anyone can tell them apart?

I have.

One time many years ago I was at a Dairy Queen in Tyler, Texas having a cheeseburger when a nice family came in. First in was a little boy, followed by Mom. Dad was holding the restaurant door open for the rest of the group. In walks a little girl closely tailgated by another little girl who looked exactly like the first girl. I thought, "That's cool. Twins!"

I was wrong.

A few nano seconds after that another little girl came through the door. She looked exactly like the two other girls who came in before her. I remember thinking, "Wow! That's something you don't see every day! Triplets!"

I was wrong.

Again.

Dad is still holding the door open when...you guessed it...yet another little girl walked in.

Quadruplets!

I'm telling you that it was damn near impossible to tell which girl was which. It was like the same little girl had walked into the Dairy Queen and somehow sneaked back outside and re-entered the place three more times!

I have never before that moment nor since seen anything quite like that.

Which brings us back to our opening question. How the hell does anybody, besides Mom and Dad, tell kids like this one from the other? If they were a precocious quartet, I bet they could pull some bodacious swaparoony tricks on some folks.

But what if the kid was a singleton? Easy to I.D., right?

Wrong.

Knot Slappin'

From The Poughkeepsie Journal via reagancoalition.com: SPARTANBURG, S.C. --  The mother

of a middle school student who was being suspended has been arrested after deputies say she walked into the school and slapped the wrong child.

Spartanburg County sheriff's deputies say 36-year-old Tyshekka Collier went to Fairforest Middle School Wednesday morning to pick up her son. Principal Ty Dawkins called authorities after Collier walked into the office, mistook a boy for her son and slapped him in the face.
Dawkins said that boy was sick and had been waiting to be picked up.
Dawkins says once Collier realized her mistake, she apologized, then walked over to her son and knocked him to the ground.
Collier was charged with disturbing school and assault and battery. It wasn't known if she had a lawyer.
Her three children are in protective custody.

Inquiring Minds Wanna Know

• Obligatory: How in God's name could a Mother not differentiate her kid from a strange kid?
• Even if the stoopid bitch could tell her kid from another, why the hell would she go into a school and start slapping the snot out of him?
• Common Knot-Slappin' Etiquette dictates that slappin' a knot so big he's gotta tiptoe to scratch it on a boy's skull should be done in the privacy of one's home.
• Never in public.
• At least if there are witnesses.  
• Apologizing after physically attacking another human bean does not take away the fact that one has committed assault and battery. 
• Just ask Tyshekka.
• Really? 
• The Mother of the Year Award is probably out of the question now.
• Dumbass of the Year is not.
• Who the hell names their kid "Tyshekka"?

Dumbass.

Scandi Pilot Falls Asleep While Flying Passenger Jet!

Official Dumbass Reminder: On Monday, December 30, Dumbass News will begin passing out the 2013 Dummies, culminating with The Big One - The 2013 Fred G. Sanford "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award! 

Dumbass News has picked up a couple of hundred thousand new Dumbasses over the course of 2013, and many of them may not be familiar with The Dummies. 

Short explanation: think Academy Awards and/or Grammys, except with even weirder Dumbasses.

The Dummies of 2012

• Here's a list of "winners" of Dummies in Supporting Roles
• Nominees for and the "winner" of the 2012 Fred G. Sanford "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award can be found here.

Best of Dumbass News

Our Dumbasses today come to us from Sweden.

Land of Fjords and Chjevys.

Sweden is a beautiful country with lots of blond haired people with blue eyes and lots of Dumbasses.

For instance, a pilot for the Scandinavian Airlines System Group was piloting an aircraft bound for

Swedish Airlines Cockpit

Stockholm from Copenhagen, when the co-pilot got up to heed Nature's Call.

Upon returning to the cockpit, the co-pilot buzzed the Captain so he could get back to doing his co-piloting duties.

No answer.

He buzzed again.

Still no answer.

Finally, after several buzzings the pilot unlocked the cockpit door to let the co-pilot back in.

When queried as to why it took so long to answer the repeated buzzings, the Captain said, "Ho wofhwNuakde[p fcapHnc" which is Swedish for "I am a Dumbass and I was taking a nap while you went to piss, you fucking moron!" 

To which the stunned co-pilot replied, "Pohfeo hmasd?" which when translated to English means, "No shit?"

Fortunately the plane was on Auto-pilot while the tinkling and the napping were going on and the aircraft eventually landed safely in Stockholm.

As they say on those stupid TV commercials when you buy something valued at $300 for only $19.99 plus shipping and handling, "But, wait! There's more!"

The pilot going to sleep at the controls of a jet airliner full of passengers was duly reported to the Aviation authorities in Sweden, who reacted with a resounding yawn. They decided not to to punish the pilot for this travesty by saying (I ain't making this up) that he (the pilot) was tired because he only got four hours of sleep the night before. 

What. The. Hell?

At this point I usually point out what a load of Dumbasses run the Swedish airline industry, which they are and they do.

How can these people sleep at night? Fucking pasty skinned pussies.

This bullshit goes beyond dumbassery and wanders into negligence of the worst possible kind.

Do these Dumbasses not understand that hundreds of innocent people could have died because pilot had a rough night's sleep the night before?

I've got something to say about that, "Tpowgn lof uszpi jf;paaqfjffv!" Translated from Swedish that means , "Fuck you and the reindeer you rode in on you piece of Scandi yak shit."

And one more thing, "Ou;w gdszghh" which means....

Dumbasses.

Guy Goes Into Titty Bar & Leaves 3 Year Old Kid in Car!

Best of Dumbass News

I am all about having a good time.

In a former life, that is before Mrs. Fearless Leader threatened to remove my gazebos with a dull, rusty butcher knife, "having a good time" meant beer, tequila and pot. And more beer. And ultimately, if the pot was good, Taco Bell.

Followed by yet more beer.

I don't do that shit anymore, but I have no problem with those that do, given they get fucked up responsibly.

Jordan Caraway did not exercise due diligence when he went out drinking the other night.

Jordan had nothing better to do than babysit his three year old son, so he called up one of his buddies and invited him to go out and have a cold beer.

And see some strippers. 

So they did.

They also took the kid with them.

"But, Fearless Leader," you say, "a three year old kid can't enjoy the virtues of a nice rack and Pole Dancing Professionals in a strip club!"

I respond, "This is true."

Here's the deal....Jordan went into the Jiggle Joint and left his buddy in Jordan's truck to keep an eye on the little boy while The J - Dude went inside to appreciate the fine art of Nekkid Stripper Twerking.

This was a brilliant plan except for a couple of things.

This Guy Put Boobs & Booze Before Babies

1. No child should be out at one o'clock in the morning under the best of circumstances, much less in a truck with a presumably drunk Dumbass in front of a strip club.
2. The Drunk Dumbass went into the club and left the three year old kid in the truck alone!

Now while the lure of lapdances and bigguns may be a powerful motivator, it seems to me that the safety and well-being of one's offspring should mitigate such carnal desires - lapdances and bigguns be damned.

Unlike Jordan's and the Drunk Dumbass's mothers, my Mama raised a responsible Drunken Pothead.

My message to all of you Dumbasses of the Male Persuasion is this: if you want to go to the local Ta Ta Tavern, leave the kids at home!

Or bring the strippers to your house.

Dumbasses.

Dumbass Sounds of the Season: Stoopid Christmas Song Videos!

Merry Christmas, Dumbasses!

I Find This Offensive

It's hard to believe that 2013 is almost in the History Books.

It's also hard to believe that the 2013 Fred G. Sanford "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards will take Center Stage in a few short days!

Here's a review of the Mid-Year 2013 Fred G. Sanford "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards contenders as of this past July:

• Part 1
• Part Too

I'll have more on this year's Dummies ( as I like to call the these awards) in a few days, so be sure to take a lot of time away from your family during this Holiday Season and stay on top of the Really Important Things in Life - like The Dummies.  

Even Dumbasses Celebrate Christmas With Music

Of course Dumbasses don't exactly go through their hometowns singing Silent Night and O Come All Ye Faithful.

Dumbasses are, shall we say "non-traditional"? No....we shall say Dumbasses are "stoopid as fuck". 

With that said, below are a few examples of some non-traditional (read: stoopid as fuck) Christams songs sure to be heard in Dumbass Neighborhoods around the World.

Larry the Cable Guy's Greatest Christmas Hits

Santa Claus Is Watchin' You, Dumbass

Police Stop My Car (Feliz Navidad) {A Meskin Navidad Cancion}

12 Days of Christmas by The Farting Elves (A Dumbass Classic)

Merry Christmas, Y'all!

Dumbasses.

Dumbasses Hold Memorial Service for Dead Bees!

It's Christmas Eve!

And I can't think of a better way to say Merry Christmas than to piss off the Godless Commie Pussies of PETA!

I know it puts me in a Festive Mood.

So, as The First Family of the Dumbass Horde prepares for the arrival of The Reindeer-Abuser-in-Chief, I look forward to all the Dead Animal Flesh that Mrs. Fearless Leader will cook into tasty Holiday Meals fit for Man Who Leads Almost 400,000 Dumbasses in 172 Lands Circumventing the Big Blue Marble (that would be me).

PETA Member Meets My Christmas Supper

Merry Christmas, Y'all!

Dumbasses.

Best of Dumbass News

We have all heard of PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals - right?

While the basic premise of PETA is a noble one, it is my opinion that the organization is largely loaded with a bunch of Dumbasses. A good example of this Dumbassery can be found in this story about PETA wanting to erect a memorial sign for some fish that were killed when the tanker truck they were being transported in was involved in a traffic accident.

PETA is also against dancing shrimp.

As I have stated many times before, I am all about punishing people who abuse animals.

As I have also stated many times before, I am a carnivore. I like to consume properly cooked and prepared animal flesh - cattle chiefly among said mammal meat.

Having been born and raised in Texas, I am also a big fan of breaded/battered deep fried yard bird (chicken) and the like.

Catfish, crappie and various and sundry other creatures of the water (fried of course) have found their way down my gullet. 

Having said all that, today's story doesn't even involve PETA!

Bwahahahahaha!

It does, however, involve a little-known (to me) PETA-like Group of Dumbasses. 

Let me splain.

The Bee's Knees   

A couple of weeks ago in Portland, Oregon somebody sprayed a bunch of linden trees with a pesticide designed to kill aphids on the trees.

The pesticide application worked. 

It is also being blamed for the death of 50,000 bees.

Enter the PETA-like Group of Dumbasses (PGD).

I know that the PGD is made up of a bunch of Dumbasses for two reasons:

1. They are PETA-like.
2. They held a memorial service for the dead bees!

According to FoxNews.com: Rozzell Medina, of Portland, said on a Facebook page that the event will "memorialize these fallen lifeforms and talk about the plight of the bees and their importance to life on Earth," The Oregonian reported.

While 50,000 seems like a rather large number of bees, it should be noted that a typical beehive can contain between 5000 and 100,000 of the little critters. 

Unless of course they come into contact with a deadly pesticide. 

But a frakkin' memorial service? For bugs? 

What's next? Wakes for wombats?

I can hardly wait to write about that.

Dumbasses.

86 Year Old Guy Wins Contest! 1st Prize: Threesome With 2 Hookers! Gets Screwed By Dying Before Fooking!

I have mentioned a few times on "Dumbass News" that in a Former Life I was a Radio Guy.

I had a regular on air shift, did some TV work, TV Commercials, voice overs for TV commercials, Jerry Lewis' MD Telethon local breaks, play by play and color commentary for baseball, football and basketball, among other things.

I was a "Star".

Not a National Star, like, say, Howard Stern (more on Howard in a minute), but certainly a Local and Regional "Star".

To me, being a Radio Guy was my job - a very cool job to be sure, but playing records and doing all the other stuff was how I paid my bills.

And got a lot of beer bought for me.

And other Free Shit.

And Chicks.

Lots of Chicks.

I ain't braggin' here, that's just the way it was.

One of my favorite things I got to do as a Radio Guy was to give people Free Shit - coffee mugs emblazoned with the radio station logo, concert tickets, records (eventually CDs), T-shirts and various other forms of swag.

Back to Howard Stern...he is a National Star.

As such, he gets to give away All the Good Shit.

Like a threesome with two high-priced hookers.

Let me splain.

Howard's Get Grandpa Laid Contest 

Not too long ago, Howard Stern held what, to my knowledge, what has to be "The Greatest Radio Contest Since Guglielmo Marconi First Broadcast "That's Amore" in 1897". 

The I Want to Get My Grandpa Laid contest attracted entrants from All Over Hell and Creation. Not to mention the Upper Peninsula of Meechigan.

Alas, a Yooper did not win The Grand Prize. That means that all the men on the U P will remain virgins. (Better luck nex time, Dumbasses)

Oh, yeah! The Grand Prize!

I almost forgot about The Grand Prize!

The Big Weener Winner got a FREE threesome with two hookers from the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada!

This prize beats the shit out of coffee mugs, concert tickets and t-shirts, let me tell you.

Apparently, the I Want to Get My Grandpa Laid contest was some sort of (satirical?) tie-in with a movie called Bad Grandpa. 

Dead Fucker & Other Fuckers

An 86 Year Old Non-Yooper named Johnny Orris was selected as the "winner". Johnny was entered into the contest by his grandson Ed.

As you can well imagine, Johnny was pumped up over his good fortune.

He was so excited that the night before the Big Event, Johnny went out and celebrated by consuming a steak dinner.

Well....almost consuming a steak dinner.

Big John was a few bites into his Dead Animal Flesh when he choked to death on a bite of the steak!

Holy Heimlich Maneuver, Batman!

Now,  I have never been dead, although I am a Grandpa and I have been laid, and it may just be me, but choking to death precludes having a nice, sweaty threesome with two whores.

And the Now Dearly Departed Grandpa Johnny had just spent a large portion of his Sohsh Curity check on Viagra, hoping for an erection lasting longer than four hours and causing an unsafe drop in blood pressure for which he would have had to immediately consult his physician.

Choking to death has a way of interrupting even the best-laid plans.

Best-laid. 

I kill me.

Just not by choking to death.

There is, however, a ray of sunshine in this tale of unrequited lust.

Ed the Grandson was sentimental enough, and by "sentimental enough" I of course mean "horny as a two-peckered billy goat", to "cash in" the Good for One Free Threesome With Two High-Priced Hookers coupon in Grandpa Johnny's honor.

Alas, it is true....blood is thicker than water.

Especially when the blood rushes to the weenie of a guy who's about to get fucked by two high dollar sluts for FREE in place of his dead Grandfather.

Word is that Ed the Grandson inherited Grandpa's Viagra too.

But he was not hoping for an erection lasting longer than four hours and causing an unsafe drop in blood pressure for which he would have had to immediately consult his physician.

Nor did he have a steak dinner the night before getting his peepers screwed cross-eyed.

And he lived to tell about it.

Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to Dumbass Emeritus Stoo via Gawker.com***

Sickening Dumbass Addictions! Lady Eats Cat Hair!

Best of Dumbass News

Two things up front.

1. Today's story is sickening. Not sickening like each of the other over 1100 Dumbass News posts, I mean nauseatingly, projectile pukingly sickening. You have been warned. 
2. If the woman in this story isn't named the winner of the 4th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award for 2013, I'll kiss your ass in the middle of downtown Dallas and give you an hour to draw a crowd.

Let the stomach churning begin!

Not Reality, Actuality

I have mentioned on at least one occasion that I am a big fan of reality TV.

A couple of my Tru TV favorites include Lizard Lick Towing and Hardcore Pawn. 

I also like the shows where people buy shit from abandoned storage units and all the ones that are about people who live in the swamps.

Oh, yeah, and the shows that feature a bunch of Dumbasses digging for gold. Nothing says I have the same I.Q. as a United States Senator like a group of guys who spend their "life savings" to run off to Alaska searching for the Mother Lode.

What are the odds of these maroons striking it rich? One in a gazillion, give or take a billion? Adios "life savings".

Quick question: if the guys in the Digging For Gold Shows invest every last nickel they have in mining for gold and they recover only enough gold for a pair of earrings, how in the name of the 49ers do they have the capital to return for a second season? Also: How do their families back in the Lower 48, whom the guys leave behind for 4 or 5 months at a time while they dodge hungry grizzly bears and horny moose in Alaska, survive? I mean the families have got to, you know, eat and shit.

Actuality my ass.

The Purr-fect Dumbass

My Twitter Buddy Stoo, via Gawker.com, sent me this:

Lick Me.

It was inevitable that Lisa would one day end up on the Internet, with her unique spin on what it means to be a crazy cat lady. She is like light to the dark of that Hoarders subject who kept her dead cats in the fridge. Lisa eats cat hair. She finds it all over her apartment, which must be as wonderful and fuzzy as finding chewed gum all over your apartment if you are a regular person who doesn't eat cat hair. She prefers it from the source, though: "The best ones are right off the cat," she explains.Freshness is key, obviously.
Lisa has been made to talk all about her taste for cat hair by being profiled by TLC's My Strange Addiction, the apotheosis of that channel's lighter-side-of-freakishness programming ethic. Lisa describes the "comforting feeling" of chewing on cat hair and while she says that stroking her cat with her tongue is a bonding experience, she and her cat aren't going all the way — Lisa explains, "I'm not lickin' her butt." Yet.

 Key Points

• Lisa also has the I.Q. of a United States Senator (see above). A Democrat, of course.
• Yes, there's a video.
• I can go to my grave a happy and complete man knowing that cat hair straight off the cat is much tastier than cat hair scraped off the sofa.
• I'd much rather get a "comforting feeling" chewing on a coca leaf. Or a tire iron.
• What channel number is TLC on Time Warner Cable?
• Lisa needs to be institutionalized.
• Lisa needs to be spayed.
• After reading this, I may start drinking again.
• My Twitter Buddy Stoo is a sick fucker.
• This story is the cat's meow. 
• I feel sick to my stomach.
• Where's the Pepto Bismol?

Dumbass.

***Photo from Gawker.com***

Survey Says! 1 in 5 of You Use Cell Phone During Sex!

Best of Dumbass News

There seems to be some recurring themes littering showing up on the pages of Dumbass News. I'm not sure why that is, but the fact that these topics routinely appear here indisputable.

Examples of Recurring Themes: 

• Hookers - The Cop & the Hookers, Lousy Benefits at McD's Force Chick to Be a Hooker
• Pot - Lawyer Drops Joint on Floor During Court Session, Dumbass Wins Lottery, Buys Pot & Meth in Celebration
• Cell Phones - Dumbass Stranded on Island, Has Cell Signal, Doesn't Use Cell Phone for FIVE Days, Selling Drugs By Texting...To a Cop!

The stories listed above are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg in their respective categories.

Taking Center Stage once again today:

Cell Phones!

Did you know that even the simplest of today's cell phones have more computing power than the computers aboard the space ships that went to the moon in the late 60s and early 70s? They do. Now if we can ever figure out how to fasten a rocket engine to a cell phone and blast it off to the moon......:)

Anyway.....I came across an article on DashBurst.com showing exactly how cell phone owners put their devices to use and when. The Good Folks at DashBurst went to a few college campii (<---- a little Rush Limbaugh Lingo there) and ask the students about their cell phone usage.

Here's what the DashBurst survey came up with:

Sex Toy

31% - Text their Exes
22% - Snap Selfies
17% - Use a Metronome App
10% - Order Take-Out
8% - Return Dad's Call
6% - Set it to Vibrate
5% - Play (and sing along to) “Girl I Want to Make You Sweat”
1% - Play “Thriller” on Repeat  

There's nothing really out of whack on that list except maybe the last two. 

I have never heard "Girl I Want to Make You Sweat", but if the song is as good as the title, then Mrs. Fearless Leader is in for a treat.

Over the last thirty years, I have heard "Thriller" almost as many times as "Stairway to Heaven". Enough said.

The Big Reveal (with Obligatory Dumbass News Spew Alert) 

Respondents to this survey in the 18 - 34 Age Group provided One of the Most Dumbass Answers to a survey question that has ever been given in the History of Dumbass Survey Question Answers. 

A full 20% (that's 1 in 5, folks!) admitted to using their smartphones while they were "gettin' some"! 

What. The. Fuck.! (pun intended)

You're telling me that 20% of college students ages 18 - 34 were talking, texting, web surfing, etc. while they were gettin' laid! ?! 

Now, isn't that interesting?

What I Think 

1. 20% of the women from 18 to 34 are being deprived of a good session of bumpin' uglies.
2. 20% of the guys from 18 to 34 are woefully pitiful and selfish in the sack. 
3. How can a man or woman do the dirty deed with any sort of intimacy while using a smartphone?
4. Does the guy/girl using the cell phone during sex hump to the rhythm of 100 words per minute of typing? 
5. How many words per minute does it take to complete the experience?
6. Is this act of carnal knowledge called "The QWERTY"?
7. When the typist uses an exclamation point while texting during sexing, is there added "umphffff" in the thrusting motion?
8. Is "Thriller" played on a loop while the act is taking place.
9. That would explain the rapid deflation of a man's weenie at this crucial time.
10. This, however, seems like a great time to sing along with "Girl I Want to Make You Sweat". 
11. iSex?
12. HTC? (Hit That Cooter)
13. Every Dumbass reading this story will now have an earworm of "Thriller" , along with gratuitous
    Michael Jackson in zombie make up playing his/her head for the next umpteen times they are having sex.

"It's after miiiiiddnight....."

Dumbasses.

Dumbass Threatens to Eat Divorce Judge's Kids!

Divorce.

One of the ugliest words in the English language. Unless of course you are married to a real motherfucker. If you find/have found yourself in the position of being hitched to a steaming pile of yak shit of a spouse, then the word "divorce" rings in your ears like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing the Hallelujah Chorus.

Still, it is always in your best interest, especially if kids are involved, to conduct yourself civilly during divorce proceedings.

James Satterfield of Cobb County, Georgia probably wishes he had done so.

But, as the old Carole King song goes, "it's too late, baby now, it's too late".

She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft

You see, James Satterfield went through a divorce in which he felt he was unfairly treated. There are ways to remedy court rulings in which one feels he or she has been given the short end of the stick. These remedies involve lawyers, judges and all kinds of other fun-filled legal system avenues. James, being all pissed off at the judge in his divorce case, forewent these processes. Instead, good ol' Jimmy wrote a letter to the presiding judge in the matter of the dissolution of his marriage.

What could possibly go wrong?

Loves Children...Especially With Salt & Mustard

I guess that nothing would go wrong unless in the letter to Hizzoner you threaten to murder his children and "cook them first to make them more palatable".

Any father would immediately take great offense at such a threat.

But not just any father can throw your lousy ass in jail and toss away the key.

A father who is a County Superior Court Judge can.

In addition to threatening to make the judge's kids his supper, the warrant for James' arrest also stated that he had written a check to his soon-to-be ex-wife for $72,000, moved out of his apartment and told his family to give away his belongings.

Oh, yeah, one more thing.

James had a gun in his truck.

With this evidence in hand, Authorities determined that James was about to carry out (carry out! kids for lunch! hahahaha!) his nefarious plot.

This is why Jim Bob is in the County Lock Up being held without bail.

To be accurate, it wasn't the judge in James' divorce case that threw him in the slammer, it was another judge altogether.

James was also ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation.

Ya think?

Dumbass.

Save Old People in New Jersey By Taxing Bicycles!

Here we are in what is arguably the worst economic period in the United States since the Great Depression.

Big Gubmint Types, like the Dipshit in Chief, do what they do every time the economy turns even the least bit sour.

They yell from the highest mountain top for higher taxes, especially on the rich.

Despite having been proved an Ass Load of Fail every time it's been tried, Big Gubmint Types continue to scream for more taxes.

Sometimes, they refer to a new tax as a "fee". 

It's still a damned tax, Dumbass!

The latest Big Gbmint Type Asswipe to want to confiscate more of your money is a Democrat (go figure) from New Jersey (go figure again) named Cleopatra Tucker of Essex, NJ.

Cleo's brilliant idea is to tax bicycle riders by having them register their bikes!

Now she wants the Gubmint to issue license plates for bikes! 

Dumbass-in-Chief On a Bike Which Cleo Wants to Tax

Wait a minute, this gets even better.

Cleo's reasoning for taxing your bike?

This is Double Barrel Dumbassery, folks.

Cleo wants to tax your bike in order to make the streets safer for old people! “My goal was to at least begin a discussion of how best to protect elderly pedestrians. No idea is perfect, but protecting elderly pedestrians deserves attention,” said Tucker.

Dumbassopatra said that several old folks had called her office to complain about being knocked over by bike riders.

Bullshit.

Anyway, in Cleo's mind taxing the bike is going to make it safe for the old folks of New Jersey to hobble down the street! 

What. The. Fuck?

If an old guy gets knocked on his ass by a bicyclist, two things come to mind.

• One, he's senile and is walking in the street or 
• Two, the bike rider is riding on the sidewalk and breaking an existing law. 

Oh, I apologize. I simply forgot how taxing and registering cars has virtually eliminated auto accidents.

How stoopid of me.

I'm sure that police officers all over Jersey would be on the lookout for a six year old without a state-approved license plate on his bike. I mean, the cops don't have a single more important thing to do than bust bike registration scofflaws. I am getting a headache.

After being called everything but a Child of God for the last week, Cleodumbasstra Tucker decided that maybe her idea wasn't such a good idea. Ya think? Now bicyclists all over New Jersey are free to run over senior citizens at will once again and then Cleo baby will again call for some kind of tax to keep seniors safe from the menacing hordes of New Jersey bike riders.

I have an idea: why tax the bikes when you can tax the old people! I'm sure there are more old people than bikes in NJ, so the revenue generated by this type of law would solve every conceivable economic problem in The Garden State! Tax 'em enough and they'll all become shut-ins, thus keeping them safe from those evil bicyclists. And if a little old lady strolls on the sidewalk, she does so at her own risk and she's fair game for the next Schwinn zooming by!

That makes as much sense as anything Cleopatra Tucker has proposed.

Dumbass.

"Santa Is a Dumbass" Photo Album!

A Dumbass News Collection of Photos of the Other Side of Santa

Bike or Bust

Ho Ho Ho

"Please Let Me Pass!"

Crack Head

There Goes My New Bike!

Behavioral Modification

Elfis

Smokes of Christmas Past

Santa Zigged When He Should Have Zagged

The Day After Christmas


Merry Christmas!

Dumbasses.

Undercooked Cheap Ass Pizza Leads to Attempted Murder By Doggie Water Bowl!

Life is hectic. Even more so at this time of year, what with all the Christmas/Hanukkah festivities going on in schools, churches, synagogues and communities all across the Fruited Plain.

When some precious free time avails itself to us, it's nice to sit back and take it easy for a few hours by taking in a movie or some other leisurely activity.

Or you could throw a frozen pizza in oven and watch a bunch of Has-Beens and Never-Weres on some stoopid shit Holiday Special on TV.

Dick

That's exactly what Richard and Debra Watson of Orange City, Florida were doing when things got out of hand. And by "out of hand" I naturally mean "attempted murder".

Half Done Totino's

Dick and Deb (I hope they don't mind if I call them Dick and Deb and fuck 'em if they do) were having a nice quiet evening at home. Deb was watching that Dumbass Concert of Has- Beens and Never-Weres while Dick was off in another room of the house measuring out 8-balls of blow.

OK, I made up the part about measuring out 8-balls. I just wanted to spice up this story.

Anyway, the concert had ended and Dick went into the living room to join Deb is a little frozen pizza action. The pizza wasn't cooked well enough for Dick so he got mad and threw his plate full of Totino's Double Pepperoni onto the floor. Not to be outdone, Debra did likewise. Now we have two plates of perfectly good frozen-yak shit-for-pizza decorating the LR floor.

This is where the dog's water bowl comes in.

Glub Glub

You see, it is at this point of this tawdry episode that Richard takes exception to the fact that Debra threw her not-quite-done pizza across the room also. I guess Dick is the only one in that household that is allowed to chunk cheap ass frozen pizza to the other side of the house.

We can surmise that Dick was pissed because this was when Dick tackled Deb and thrust her face into a dog's bowl full of water!

After nearly being drowned to death, Deb was able to break free from Dick. Dick, however, caught up with her and backed her into a corner where he proceeded to strangle her!

A neighbor called the cops and Richard Watson was arrested.  

At this juncture of our story I have concluded a few things.

1. Dick doesn't like half-cooked cheap ass pizza.
2. Dick gets really upset when somebody besides him tosses cheap ass pizza across the living room.
3. That must be a helluva big doggy water bowl if it holds enough water to drown a full grown woman.
4. While putting forth a maniacal effort to commit homicide, Dick is really persistent.
5. Dick is a dick.

All told, Dick will soon be getting plenty of dick as a prison bitch once he has been convicted of Attempted Murder-by-Doggie Water Bowl.

A Dumbass First

In the nearly three and a half years that I have been writing this blog, we have seen attempted murder-by-toilet seat,  attempted murder-by-The Walking Dead and out and out murder by squeezing a man's scrotum until he DIED, but this is the very first time at Dumbass News that we have covered an attempted murder-by-doggie's-water-dish.

Congratulations, Dick, may you soon queef where you used to fart.

Dumbass.

Christmas Shopping While Pooping! With Wal Mart Riot Video!

Best of Dumbass News

Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la la.

Tis also the season to be a Dumbass.

Let me splain.

Christmas Mayhem

When I say "mayhem", I am of course mean "rioting".


Have you seen some of the shit that happens when a mob of bargain-starved idiots converge upon a single place with each member of the savage throng clamoring for one of what is a limited number of the latest Sale of a Lifetime (!) item? The pushing, the shoving, the cussing, the crush of humanity....and that's just the Little Old Ladies!

Don't believe me? Here's a video from the just-passed Black Friday where a large number of shoppers go on a rampage share a common desire for a TV of which there is an inadequate supply.

I'd rather eat tofu wrapped in beef liver that's been hermetically sealed in a Mason jar and exposed to the Texas sun for the entire month of July than to go through a scene like that.

I do not like to shop.

Especially at this time of year.

Saved by the Internet!

One of the beauties of the Triple W (that's "www." for the Yoopers in the audience) is that you can avoid holiday shopping crowds like a Liberal avoids logic by shopping online, right in the comfort of your own bathroom. 

Say what?

CashStar, which calls itself  "a digital gifting and incentives partner for retailers", spent a boatload of money on a survey seeking detailed information on people's shopping habits.

The survey revealed that almost 17 million people have shopped via a mobile device while standing in the retailer's physical store; 9 million have secretly shopped while in a business meeting; and 4 million have shopped online while driving a car. While driving a car? Are you fucking kiddin' me? That's four million people who must, by coercion if necessary, be spayed or neutered, never to produce another human bean with that kind of DNA.

I'm just sayin'.

The survey was conducted online nationwide by Harris Interactive on behalf of CashStar from Nov. 6-8, among 2,104 U.S. online adults ages 18 and older. The calculation was based on the U.S. Census Bureau's 2011 Census, which estimates there are 237,744,632 million adults ages 18 and older residing in the United States.

You know what else was determined from this survey?

That more than thirty-eight million of you have done some online shopping while sitting on the toilet! Shopping a load while dropping a load. Cell phones and iPads have replaced magazines as reading media of choice when it comes to taking a doo doo.

As a life-long magazine in the toilet kind of guy, I am saddened by this tragic turn of events.

Thirty. Eight. Million.

Dumbasses.

Dumbass Classified Ads!

Long Time, No See Dumbass Newspaper Classified Ads

A few years ago, I started a feature  on Dumbass News called Dumbass Newspaper Headlines. DNH was so popular that I decided to make them a regular part of the blog.

Last night I was considering writing a new post of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines, when all of the sudden I thought about a little blurb I saw in a small town Texas newspaper about twenty years ago. This long ago and faraway memory got me to thinking that newspapers have some pretty damn funny stuff in them besides the stoopid headlines. Of course, there's the occasional typo that completely alters the intended meaning of a sentence, but there is also another very important part of a newspaper that can provide an unintentional belly laugh - the classified ads!

With this in mind, I used my Fearless Leader Google Fu and came upon some damn funny classifieds floating around the ether.

AmIageniusorwhat?

So, Fellow Dumbasses, without further ado, I present to you the Very First Edition of Dumbass Newspaper Classified Ads!

Keep in mind that these are actual ads run in actual newspapers all across the country.

The Ads
   
Dammit! I was looking for a used tombstone that said"Smith".
--------------------------------------------------------------


Winter time can be awful lonely in Boise.
---------------------------------------------------





I want some of what this guy's smokin'.
--------------------------------------------------


Well that narrows down the search!
----------------------------------------------------


Throw in a young stripper and it's a deal.
---------------------------------------------------------


 

Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.
--------------------------------------------

Just in case you are ever chased by a dog in a foreign country. Or a foreign dog for that matter.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


That's the Christmas Spirit!
------------------------------------------------




This must be an ad for Bud's Medical Center.
----------------------------------------------
And last but not least...



Wanna go shopping, Ladies?

Dumbasses.

***Special Thanks to 11Points.com & jayp.net for the Ads!***

Dumbass Facts About Friday the 13th!

Paraskevidekatriaphobia

Best of Dumbass News

It's Friday!

To be more precise, it's Friday the 13th! 

I know many of you Dumbasses personally so it doesn't surprise me that several of you suffer from "paraskevidekatriaphobia".

That's a medical term that means "I am a Dumbass Who Believes in Illogical Stoopidstitions That Have No Foundation in Science or Reality, But I am a Dumbass So Science and Reality Mean Absolutely Nothing to Me".

I also know that a few of you that are afraid of work!

And clowns. BTW, the fear of clowns is ("coulrophobia".)

But mostly work.

Fear of the number "13" is known as "triskadekaphobia".

I ain't really scared of much except heights (I hate heights! I'd be really neurotic if I was 6'6"), so Friday the 13th is just another day to me.

But I digress.

Origins of Paraskevidekaphobia

While looking for ways to steal shit from another blog information for this story, I used my Super Dumbass Google Fu Powers and came across a site that had some pretty good stuff about Friday the 13th, so I'll pilfer use some of his info to enlighten us all.

According to the aforementioned site, guy-sports.com (sports? This guy has a slight misconception about sports, unless torture and execution were the NFL of that era), the Knights Templar contributed heavily to the fear of Friday the 13th. He writes, "The Knights Templar were immensely powerful in the middle ages.  In fact they were probably had more military and financial might than many European countries, yet on a Friday 13th in October 1307 they met their downfall.  The Knights Templar Grand Master Jaques de Molay, together with 50 of his senior knights were tricked into a meeting and captured by King Philip IV of France.  On that Friday 13th thousands of Templars were arrested and tortured. When they confessed to various trumped up charges they were executed.  Since that day, Templars regarded Friday the 13th not only unlucky but evil." 

Well, hell, that settles that. Side Note: The Knights Templar were tricked and captured by the Fwench? Oh, wait. I forgot that the Fwench actually had balls back then. Carry on.

Other Friday the 13th B.S.


Further plagiarism research reveals several cool facts about this most stoopidstitious of days. The Cape Cod Times has the lowdown, including these little gems:

• Triskaidekaphobes are in for a rough year. Tris (greek for three), deka (greek for 10) and phobe (an individual affected by a certain fear) adds up, according to Urban Dictionary, to people who fear the number 13 or any situation that involves anything in a sequence of 13. Friday is often considered an unlucky day, inspiring advice such as "Never begin sewing a garment on a Friday unless you can finish it the same day." This year, there are three Fridays falling on the 13th. Last year and in 2010, there was only one. But 2009 had three. Note: The other two months with a Friday the 13th this year are April and July. More on this note: The month of July was named for Julius Caesar who just happened to be murdered, like the Knights Templar. Except he wasn't killed by a bunch of pussies from Fwance. That's why Caesar got his own month and the Templars got jack shit. Anybody tricked and killed by the Fwench deserve nothing short of ridicule and derision. And I am a Knights Templar kind of guy. No more. Dammit.
• Any month that starts on a Sunday will have a Friday the 13th. Do the math. Another note: Since the NFL is played on Sundays including months that begin on a Sunday, is there a connection between the Friday the 13th thing and why so few NFL players wear the number 13? Just askin'.

The Times has eleven more amazing facts about Friday the 13th that will scare the snot out of even the most ardent of skeptics.

I was a non-believer with regard to paraskevidekatriaphobia, but now I am not so sure. If a bunch of bad ass looters, plunderers and killing machines like the Knights Templar can be brought down by the Fwench, I think I am going to have to re-evaluate my position on this matter.

Excuse me while I consult my psychic. And my tarot cards. And grab my lucky rabbit's foot. And.......

Dumbass. To the 13th Degree.

Dumbass Gift Giving Advice: Give More Bling to Your Wife Than Your Slut-On-the-Side

The Internet is a wonderful thing.

Most of the time.

With a few keystrokes, you can look up medical advice, get directions to just about anywhere, read brilliant commentary like you do on this very site (OK, not so much) and set up an extramarital rendezvous.

I. Kid.You. Not.

You can even find someone to cheat on your spouse with!

I am not talking about finding someone in a chat room or party site, I am talking about a site whose sole purpose is specifically to line you up with a paramour! If you think I'm kidding, click this link.

Notice their motto? "Life is short. Have an affair". 

How about a motto like "You put your gazebos on the chopping block, we give your wife the ginsu knife?" As a Professional Dumbass News Researcher, I can assure you that websites like the one at the link above are not uncommon, sadly, and there's always Some Dumbass looking to make a buck off the marital discord of Some Other Dumbass.

I point out the aforementioned site because I found an article that stated that mistresses of married men receive better Christmas presents than their wives!

What the hell??!!

These Dumbass Married Fuckers buy their sluts girlfriends jewelry, lingerie and trips to the day spa. Those pesky women these assholes married for better or worse, sickness and health and all that, get perfume, bath and body products and the always-romantic gift card. This vital information comes from a survey conducted by the web site at the link above. All told, according to Whores R Us (I just made that part up), men spend twice as much money on their concubines than on their wives. From the article in question, the web site "says it has been keeping an eye on this aspect of holiday gift-buying for five years, says it got 143,717 responses this year, up from 28,994 in 2006.

And with the United States going through some tough economic times, the survey found men are showing financial restraint -- spending 22 percent less on their wives compared with 2006, while putting a freeze on their extramarital spending." 

Let me get this straight. Wives - the mother of the Taint Stain's children, his partner-for-life gets a 22% cut in Christmas gift value and the gold digging hookers of these same men still get the usual pay-for-pussy rates.

Sounds like Commie Economic Voodoo, pay the shiftless and punish the "producers".

But, I digress.

On that happy note, I hope Santa delivers ginsu knives to all the betrayed wives along with a "How To De-Gazebo a Philandering Douche Nozzle" instruction manual, along with a nice bout with genital herpes to the sleazy skanks that screw those dickweeds.

Merry Christmas.

Dumbasses.

Score With Dumbass Sports' Guest Post at Coach Daddy!

.

Guess what?

A very good Blog Amigo of mine at Coach Daddy invited me to do a Guest Post at his place!

This fact alone should let you know that Eli (My Blog Amigo) is a Dumbass.

However, Eli is BIG on Cultural Exchange.

And soccer.

I am BIG on Dumbass Sports.

And Dumbass Cultural Exchange.

Thus, my Guest Post at Coach Daddy.

Please click on over and discover one of the best blogs on the internet (and my Guest Post!) - Coach Daddy!

Weird Eye-talian Christmas Tradition: Throwing Christmas Trees at Mom!

Christmas is two weeks from today.

We are already Full Tilt Boogie into the Christmas Spirit here at The Dumbass Dome.

Especially Bailey the Six Year Old.

Her Christmas Wish List is really very simple. All I'd need is to do is DVR Nickelodeon for twenty-four hours and make a list of every toy in every commercial that ran in those 24 hours and buy each one for Bailey.

This would make Bailey the Six Year Old a Very Happy Little Girl.

It would also make Daddy the Fearless Leader a Very Broke Man - and a VIP Customer at every Pay Day Loan Rip Off Joint in New England.

Best of Dumbass News

I have read some nice stories about people all over the country having such a wonderful Christmas with their families.

Include my family on that list.

The Terrero family in West Hartford, Connecticut had a very memorable Christmas - especially 19 year old Francheska.

It was a typical Christmas Eve at the Terrero house.

Weird Eye-talian Christmas Tree

Until Francheska got into the Christmas "spirits".

The story doesn't say what prompted Francheska's outburst, other than the fact that she was bombed, but she must have been in a holiday frame of mind because she picked up the family Christmas tree and threw it at her parents! Assuming that 'Terrero" is an Eye-talian name, I thought throwing Christmas trees at one's parents might be some sort of weird Eye-talian Christmas Tradition.

So, being a Professional Internet Blogging Sensation and 10th Degree Black Belt in Google Fu, I went to the best source of Weird Eye-talian Christmas Traditions that I could find: my wife, who is Eye-talian. When I asked her about Christmas Tree Throwing as an Eye-talian Tradition, she says to me, "Are you drunk?".

I took that as a "no".

Anyway, Francheska got smashed on Christmas Eve and threw a fully decorated Christmas tree, which is not a Weird Eye-talian Christmas Tradition, at her Mom and Dad.

Mom called 9-1-1 and reported a 10-86, which in Police 10-code terminology means Mom called 911 and reported a 10-86, which in Police 10-code terminology means "drunk daughter throws a fully decorated Christmas tree, which is not a Weird Eye-talian Christmas Tradition, at her parents".

As Mom was on the phone with the cops, Frankie yanked the phone out her hand and threw that too! At her father! I know for a fact that phone throwing on Christmas Eve is not a Weird Eye-talian Christmas Tradition, but it is a Weird Christmas Tradition for drunk Hungarians.

But I digress.

So the heat (cops) show up at the Terrero home, notice that Francheska is FUBAR'ed and that the Christmas tree had been "relocated" and was surrounded by some shattered ornaments. The police then explained to Francheska that even though Christmas tree throwing is not a Weird Eye-talian Christmas Tradition, it is against the law, especially if you throw the tree at another person.

Frankie was charged with disorderly conduct, assault and interfering with a 911 call, not to mention throwing fully decorated Christmas trees at your parents while shit faced without a permit. 

OK, I made that last charge up.

Francheska was hauled off to jail, Mom and Dad were treated for minor injuries and the Christmas tree suffers from PTSD, so all things considered, everything turned out for the best.

We can all be thankful that it wasn't Thanksgiving and Francheska got hammered and threw a bowl of giblets at her parents. Or is that a weird Eye-talian Thanksgiving Tradition of which I am unaware?

I'll have to ask my Eye-talian wife about that one.

Hopefully, she won't notice that I'm drunk - which is an Eye-talian Christmas Tradition. :)

Dumbass.

(hat tip to Mrs. Fearless Leader)